Sexual exploration and adventurousness can happen at any time in a couple's life; and even more so once they are committed to living their lives together for a long time. One of the ways that I've seen couples explore their sexual selves is by adding an element of D/s to the marriage.

I know I was raised to understand that a man and wife were equals and no one person has more control. I struggled with that in my first marriage where I had to take control over a lot of things in order for anything to happen. But we aren't going to talk about my bad marriage in this newsletter.

What I do want to talk about is how to incorporate elements of a power exchange relationship into your existing marriage without damaging what you have. It's a new way to look at your marriage and for many, it can breathe new life into a marriage.

Caveat: Adding D/s to a struggling marriage is never a good idea before you know why you are struggling to begin with. It can and often does make the situation worse. Please seek professional counseling to make sure you are both prepared for the changes that are going to occur.

Now that I've got all that scary stuff taken care of, let's talk about a couple of happy people that want to explore a bit of kink in the bedroom or even change their relationship into a D/s one.

If you are the one that wants to be submissive the first thing you can do is start being obedient. There are a lot of things that occur in a normal day that sound like directions, requests or orders from your partner that you may not realize. If you currently question or challenge their requests, start actually obeying them. Also, if you notice that they are low on a beverage, for example, get them a refill (or ask them if they want one) before they have to ask or get up themselves.  Taking care of their needs can help go a long way to making you feel submissive even if your partner isn't into being overtly Dominant.

From the Dominant's angle, try spending a day where you don't do anything for yourself. If you normally get your own drinks or change the TV channel, have your partner do it. See if you enjoy asking and directing them to serve you. I could stir up some excitement. Try to incorporate some sexy fun in there too.

Now before you try something that you've never done before it's always best to have information at your disposal.

Get All Your Information Together

Before you can begin to try anything kinky I always recommend that you both do reading on what it is you want to try. There are books, websites, and forums you can go to and get ideas as well as suggestions for trying things out for yourself.

You might also want to consider joining the local BDSM community if you think it will help you. You'll meet a lot of people who have experience that they can share with you so that your transition can be smoother and your understanding of what you want to do is fuller.

Talk To Your Partner

Sit down with your partner and see what they want to explore.  I suggest you are both aware of the ideas going forward so that you can communicate how you feel about them as they happen. Talking will require you to be open about sex and your secret desires that you may not have talked about in the past.

Be compassionate about your partner's thoughts and desires. It's not easy to open up about your dark desires to someone even if you love them with all your heart.

Make Small Changes

Try to contain the excitement for a new direction in the relationship by making small changes and getting used to them before adding more. You'll likely have more success this way and be able to customize your relationship so that it is perfect for both of you.


Keep the communication lines open.

Your marriage is strong because it has worked. With any changes, you need to make sure you are still talking to each other about these changes and are open to scraping what doesn't work and enhancing what does so that your new relationship is strong and it doesn't negatively impact your marriage.

Thoughts to Ponder

  1. How far into BDSM are you willing to explore? How far is your partner willing to explore?
  2. What makes you nervous about your desires to add a little spice to your marriage?
  3. What obstacles do you see with adding a BDSM element to your marriage?

 Links to Resources