from the Submissive Guide Newsletter 4/25/15
When I started learning about submission it had nothing to do with "lifestyle" or "relationships" or "24/7". It was about feeding a desire. Sure, much of that was masochistic play but not all of it. So, when I met people and they were saying they were lifestyle submissives or in 24/7 relationships I looked at them as if they were foreigners; odd strange beings who somehow lived this dream all the time. Little did I know that I'd be living it myself one day and counting 24/7 as the only way I could exist in BDSM.
But 24/7 doesn't have to be so odd, so different or so foreign. People feel that 24/7 is some holy grail to be looked up to by those who can't get there, and a common existence by those who can. Not everyone is cut out for a 24/7 submissive lifestyle. But defining a 24/7 D/s relationship is something so personal and to many doesn't look the same from couple to couple. In simplest terms, a good way to describe it is a relationship where you identify as D/s before any other roles. So, for example, say you are a married couple. But when you are asked to describe your relationship you say you are D/s first and married second. Perhaps you always have your submission in your brain and that you think of what your Dom would say or do before everything. This is 24/7.
It's not constant nudity and bondage and play.
It's not about sex. No, really.
It's not kneeling at your Dominant's feet just waiting to serve and disregarding everything else.
It's not obvious to others that you are a 24/7 submissive.
So how is it learned?
It's learned quite simply by going about your life, but always having your partner in mind first. And since your partner is your Dominant, make sure you are always following the rules they laid out, that you take their thoughts in mind and that you embrace being submissive through all things.
It's been described as being a mother - but I can't relate. You are always a mother even if you are at work, or driving to a party, right? But if you don't have your child with you, how can anyone know? Well, they probably don't unless you tell them, but that doesn't mean you don't think of them or do things in their best interest.
I'm married, but as a wife, no one just casually meeting me knows I'm married unless I share that information. But everything I do and say (or not say) is in keeping with my marriage vows and honoring my husband. No one is the wiser for this or would consider my actions odd.
So how do you learn? You learn by doing. By taking on the mantle of submissive or slave and using that to guide your hands and words and deeds. It's not something you can do perfectly from the onset. But you can name yourself 24/7 submissive without having had said practice. Just as no new mother knows how to mother as soon as the child is birthed. She learns as she goes. No wife knows how to be the best wife without practice and communication. You have to practice and learn from mistakes. You have to understand that being 24/7 is a process, but it's also life.
Why does it feel so complicated?
Anything new feels complicated. If you are a creature of habit, which most of us are, changing your routine or behavior takes time and feels foreign at first. But in time you adapt and change and perhaps even feel that this is where you were supposed to be all along. And if it isn't, well, then you at least have learned to respect it for what it is.
The online discussion boards that banter back and forth about what is and isn't 24/7 make it sound far more complicated probably because they are applying their own experience to the pile as the "expected" way things are. Some couples have a lot of protocol to their relationship and think that 24/7 has to have that because they have it. Others feel that if the submissive works outside the home they can't have a 24/7 relationship and still others feel that if you don't live together you can't be 24/7. My opinion is that all relationships can be 24/7 if the people involved work on it and accept the challenges that their unique situation brings.
Ultimately, learning to be 24/7 submissive is like anything else in life. You practice, adapt and learn what works for you and discard the things that don't. If you apply it to your everyday life, make it a part of you and don't consider it an on/off switch, then you too can be 24/7.
Thoughts to Ponder
- What do you think of 24/7 submission? Is it something you have or long for?
- What positive comments have you seen about 24/7? Negative comments?
- Living in a D/s Relationship
- Living the Lifestyle 24/7
- 10 Principles for Healthy 24/7 D/s or M/s Relationships