I'm still amazed at how many novices on FetLife and in my inbox ask me how to talk to their Dominant to ask for what they want or need. Others fail at open communication at all or have had issues with their Dominant because they are keeping things from them.
I don't know about you, but in my childhood home I was constantly told, "If you want something, ask for it" or "I'm not a mind-reader." I know the same holds true with Dominants. After all, they are people, just like you. (Amazing I know.) It's possible this post will come off as snarky to some of you and it's not directly my intention.
Part of the reason we submissives have so many issues expressing our desires to our Dominants is that we've been told that asking for what we want can be topping from the bottom. If you've read the article on this site about bottom topping you'll know that it's just not true. We've been told that when we express these needs and the Dominant does them for us that we have just topped from the bottom, but just as a refresher here I'd like to remind you what makes bottom topping. You are topping from the bottom if you force your Dominant to change their decision or push a decision in your favor.
So how do you talk to your Dominant?
It may come as a surprise but you talk with them as if you and they have a relationship. Oh, you have a relationship with them? Well, then that's easy peasy then. You sit down with them and honestly and respectfully talk to them. Your wants and needs are just as valid as theirs is; make sure they know 'em! If you have things you'd like to try, get over your fears and shyness and tell them. How are you ever going to explore your fantasies if they don't know what they are?
In an unscientific poll, I asked Dominants in my local community if they'd rather had a submissive who told them what they wanted and needed or if they preferred to guess and hope they were making their submissive happy. What do you think was the overwhelming response? That's right, they aren't psychics. If you are unhappy with something, or just want some cuddle time asking for it is your best way to convey that to your Dominant.
Should I just accept what I get and be content with that?
Do you want to live like that? If so, by all means, remain uncommunicative. The Dominant will keep floundering and wondering why you aren't happy and when they realize that you aren't going to tell them why you aren't happy they may decide to just walk away. Who wants to Dominant a passive partner? They need active submission!
I can see some of you saying, but I'm still afraid of what they'll say! Let's think about this rationally for a moment. Why are you afraid of what they will say? Do you think they will think less of you, or perhaps think you are sick, perverted and dirty? Get past those feelings. They've chosen you to be with and I'm certain they have sick dirty thoughts that they've shared with you and perhaps you've even enacted for them.
If you are afraid they will say no to your request, what difference is there between now and then if they do? But oh think of the results if they say yes! Don't you want to know? Of course, you do or you wouldn't be afraid to talk to them. Work past it. Get your thoughts out there and let them decide what to do with them.
Lastly, I'd like to talk about being uncommunicative. In my relationship, and I'd wager many of yours, keeping things from my Dominant is forbidden. If my thoughts, feelings, actions or health affect my ability to serve, he is to be informed. He knows when I'm in a bad mood, the dreams I'm having or when I'm feeling a headache coming on. This helps him, it really does. It's part of what makes our relationship so dynamic. Adaptable. Fulfilling!
The more you hold in, the less you are really getting in your submission that you could potentially be enjoying. Open your mouth and speak up. Make your life how you'd like it. Stop dreaming of talking to your Dominant and start doing it.
Anything you'd like to add? What keeps you from talking to your Dominant about things?