In a previous article, I discussed conflict resolution in a D/s relationship. This post will continue the discussion on how to return to your submissive role after the argument is over.
So you've taken my advice from the previous article and stepped outside your roles to resolve a conflict you are having with your partner. Perhaps you had an all-out fight. Relationships aren’t without their ups and downs. How are you feeling now that it’s done? How do you then pick up the role again? It's not always as easy as you think. You are likely emotionally charged, and perhaps you still feel pains of anger, frustration, or sadness. Turning around and being submissive again has to get over those hurdles first.
What Happens to Your Body When You’re Fighting With Your Partner
Anyone who has been in a nasty dispute in a relationship knows that it can leave you exhausted and drained. But what effects does it have on your body?
In the thick of an argument, stress can skyrocket. Fighting will ignite your fight or flight response, releasing a large amount of cortisol in the bloodstream. This is the chemical culprit for stress. When stressed, you may clench your teeth and raise your voice. It can even manifest in muscle tension in your upper body.
Your heart beats faster, and blood pressure spikes when you’re in conflict with your partner. This will make your breathing quicken and your chest feel tight. You could hyperventilate from the stress. A surge of epinephrine and norepinephrine, the same hormones released when you feel startled, can produce a head rush feeling.
3 Ways to Recover from a Fight
Arguing will make you feel like crap. But there are things you can do to help recover from the fight so you can normalize and balance your mind and body again.
Take a Time Out
Stepping away and having a cooling-off period is an excellent way to let go of the emotions stirred up from the argument. It doesn't have to be far, just go into another room for a few minutes and not think about the fight. Relax and focus on something else. I also suggested this in the article about conflict resolution, and it's just as good after.
Take a few deep breaths, and work to slow your heart rate down. Because of all the chemicals running wild in your body, rational thought will be more challenging, so take a bit of a break before you think about what just happened or what solutions could come out of the disagreement.
Perform some self-care. Take a shower, a nap, or listen to some soothing music.
There are many ways to release a fight's thoughts, feelings, and emotions. You can do whatever works for you. Some ideas are writing in a journal, reading your favorite book, singing in the shower or car, doing cardio exercise, cooking, and crying. You need to get the pent-up feelings out to process what was said in an even and balanced way.
Reconnect With Your Partner
The fight likely caused a rift in your relationship. Take some time and be with your Dominant in a positive, non-threatening way. There has to be a reason why make-up sex is so good! Now, sex isn't a requirement but hugging and being with them can help take the sting out of a recent fight.
Returning to a Submissive Role
Now that you've come down from the argument, it is time to get back into the role you had before it started. For many submissives, it's not something they can turn on and off; it's a part of who they are. Even in these situations, it can be tough to continue serving in the same capacity as you did before the argument. The first step is realizing that it may take a while to recover your role. It doesn't mean you are a failure. It just means you've got more processing to do to get back to where you are.
In other instances, the argument may have brought to light some issues with your service that you now need to incorporate or remove. It could take days, weeks, or months to adjust, and this period of redressing your role is expected. Knowing these things will make you more self-conscious of the way you submit to your partner.
Are you feeling overwhelmed and need help figuring out how to take care of your submissive self? Submissive Reflection: A Workbook is a perfect guide to helping you do that soul-searching and pinpoint where you are in your submissive journey right now.
If you journal, decide to write a bit more for a while. If you meditate, take time out and focus on yourself until your mood and submission return to normalcy so that you can feel comfortable.
Adding a ritual to your day that helps to remind you that submission is not only work but beautiful can help refocus your mind and heal from the argument. Some of the suggestions that have come my way are:
- Kneeling before bed and saying a phrase or two about the worth of your submission.
- Ritual bathing will help you wash away all negative thoughts.
- Sitting at your partner's feet for a length of time and reflecting on your place.
A relationship is about balance, a dance between partners. Your partner has to go through similar steps to feel comfortable in their Dominance. Give them a bit of time. Exercise some patience in yourself and your partner.
Do you journal? Use this question as a journal prompt: How do you recover your submissive mindset after an argument?