Novice Q&A – February Edition

Novice Q & A is for you to ask questions about things you’d like more information on, advice you are looking for or anything else. You can even ask me personal questions! My inbox is always open so you can send me questions whenever they occur. Last month I answered questions about appropriate greetings and topping from the bottom in new relationships, if you’d like to take a look, head on over to January’s Edition of the Q&A.

Question:

“I am starting to make friends in the community and enjoy going to the munches, but the idea of actually trying anything terrifies me. I went to a play party last night to observe and really didn’t see anything that interested me. I was asked a few times what I wanted to try and I honestly could not give them an answer. After I left the party and all day today I felt like I want to run for the hills.

“I just don’t know what to do, something interests me enough that I walked through the doors of the munch, but now I’m too scared to try to figure out what it is I want. For weeks I have had this image of myself holding an apple (as in the forbidden fruit) trying to decide “do I take a bite or not” and now the image has shifted to the apple is on the other side of this great wall (I can only image the wall if my fear) and I’m trying to figure out if I want to climb over or not.”

My Response:

Being a novice submissive and fearful of that first step is common. Let me tell you what I think based on your short missive to me.

You may not be SM inclined. Most play parties are all about the flesh and intense sensation. Perhaps what drew you to BDSM and the fact that you like munches is actually the submissive/service aspect. You may be more attracted to the idea of a Dominant man/woman and providing them with an atmosphere of service and comfort. Now these are just guesses, but if you feel the sensation to run away and hide after seeing the physical aspects that some people engage in, perhaps that’s just not for you.

Or, you aren’t ready to experience the physical side of things. That’s okay too. Most people need to feel comfortable with someone before they would let them sit next to them, let alone see them partially (completely) naked and do kinky/sensual things to them. Take a deep breath, you aren’t alone.

I recommend you continue to explore yourself, attend the munches and become familiar with ALL of the things that BDSM can provide you. I’m certain that you will find what attracted you in the first place and the light bulb will go off. Trust me. The wall you experienced is fear and easy to break down with knowledge. Ask questions, seek guidance and learn. You have all the time in the world to take a bite of the apple.

Question:

I am enrolled in is a sociocultural anthropology course on culture and emotion. As part of my program we have to explore an emotion or set of emotions specific to a particular culture. I would like to explore the emotions related to sub-frenzy/sub-fever. I know that by objectively examining the different experiences of others, I will A) get a better grasp and understanding of my own emotions, and B) should this paper and its research ever be published it would be a helpful resource for others. What I am seeking is some help, either interviews with people or just their own emotonal experiences with this topic. All information would be used in the most respectful manner and I would ethically be responsible for maintaining protective measures for all people who provide information or personal experences on the event/emotion.

My Response:

This question actually goes out to you the readers of Submissive Guide. An article on Sub Frenzy can be found here if you need to have the term defined. If you are interested in helping Valerie with her research, you can reach her at vjones@ucsd.edu.

The Ins and Outs of Fetishes

“I have a fetish for wool socks, I just love them!”

“I have a fetish for corsets, I can’t get off without thinking of them!”

One of these statements is a sure sign of a fetish; the other is a misuse of the term. Sure this is a poor example. How many times have you heard a  phrase like the first one in everyday speech? Not long ago the idea of having a fetish was taboo and now we use it as a casual obsession with something from foods to material items. There is no wonder that when it comes to real fetishes people are still in the dark as to understanding them.

What is a Fetish, Really?

Let’s use Wikipedia to give us a general definition, shall we?

Sexual fetishism, or erotic fetishism, is the sexual arousal brought on by any object, situation or body part not conventionally viewed as being sexual in nature. Sexual fetishism may be regarded, e.g. in psychiatric medicine, as a disorder of sexual preference or as an enhancing element to a relationship. The sexual acts involving fetishes are characteristically depersonalized and objectified, even when they involve a partner. Body parts may also be the subject of sexual fetishes (also known as partialism) in which the body part preferred by the fetishist takes a sexual precedence over the owner.

As we can see from the definition, a fetish is a sexual attachment to an inanimate object of body part. In many cases the fetishist can no achieve an erection or orgasm without the object being present or an active part in the act. This is not limited to men, so don’t get my use of words turned around. Women also can develop fetishes.

How Do Fetishes Develop?

There are several theories out there as to how a fetish develops. The classical theory is said to be that the object of fetishism and sexual stimulus are presented at the same time and thus through the learning process they get associated with each other. The learning process is not always during sexual exploration, but can happen early in childhood when what makes you feel happy is constantly the same thing. The sense of euphoria is then attached to that object and can transition into a more adult behavior once sexual maturity has been reached. For example, it may only be shiny skin that arouses a person at first, but in time more common stimuli, such as shiny latex, may have the same effect.

Other theories state that a fetish is gained through heredity or through psychological distress. I tend to believe that it is more the classical theory than any other. If you wish to read a bit on these other two theories you can do so on the Wikipedia article about Fetishism.

Are Fetishes Common?

Fetishes are relatively uncommon. They are more likely in heterosexual men than any other gender group.  That doesn’t mean you can’t develop a temporary fetish. Occasionally there is something that just turns me on about a certain object and I will fantasize about it for some time before it drops off my sexual radar, so to speak. During my high school and college career I was obsessed with anything phallic shaped, as are many women prior (and after) sexual initiation. I am not afflicted quite so much with phallic-fetishism. There is nothing harmful about a temporary fetish as long as you can engage in the fetish safely.

Some fetishes can not be acted out in a loving, healthy manner. A more grotesque fetish I have read about is necrophilia (sex with dead people). This is a fetish that is generally treated with psychotherapy and medication. There are several such fetishes that can harm a person or are detrimental to others if engaged in. You can explore those on your own if you wish to research them.

One of the most common fetishes has to do with feet. Foot worship is quite acceptable in the BDSM arena, but outside it most foot fetishists have to keep their desires hidden. Other foot fetishists have a love of shoes and high heels. One of my favorite blogs to read is Diary of a Long-Distance Sub (NSFW). The submissive has a growing collection of shoes for her Dominant to enjoy and most of the pictures she shares on her blog have her shoes showing prominently with a part of her sexual anatomy.  This is a healthy way to explore the fetish and is a good read.

10 Most Common Fetishes

1. Feet
2. High-heels and knee-high boots
3. Piercing
4. Silk, satin, leather or latex
5. Hands
6. Hair
7. Role playing: doctor, nurse etc.
8. Body parts like flat, tight tummy
9. Balloons
10. Finger-nails art

What else do you know about fetishes? Do you think you have one? Why or why not?

Can You Separate BDSM and Sex?

When Master and I get to play, it’s quite sexually charged. We find the play and the energy we swap as very sexual. Our play time usually ends in sex of some form. That’s just how we roll. Does it always have to be that way? Heck no! In fact, when I was casually playing, there was no sex at all.

But can you really separate the sex from BDSM? You have to admit that much of what we do during play time is rooted in sexual pleasure and sensation. Even if you are never touched sexually you can achieve orgasm. Does this make it sex or BDSM?

My first kinky experiences were purely sexual and yet I can and have separated the idea  of sex from BDSM. I’m not exactly sure how it happened. Perhaps it could have been necessity. I was casually seeing people when I started exploring. I know that sex was special and important to a relationship; a relationship I wasn’t kindling with any of these partners.

What really comes down to it for you and each partner you have is how you define sex. For myself and the casual partners, sex was any form of penetration. For Master and myself that definition is more inclusive of everything we do.

I recommend that you have a discussion with your partner as a part of negotiation for the first play session that you define what sex is and if it’s a welcome part of your play. I’ve talked about negotiations before so I’m not going to get into the depth of it, but it is a very important part of a new relationship and can be important in well established ones too in certain situations.

So much of what we do is sexual because that is how most of us first explore our kinky side. It’s not uncommon for all of us to start out with the tentative sensations during sex and keep our new side hidden behind bedroom doors. This association alone could lead to your understanding that BDSM is the same as sex.

It doesn’t have to be. If you have been to any variety of play parties you will see a wide variety of play styles. Most parties have rules regarding sexual play. Some won’t allow any at all. Yet you will still see people enjoying themselves and having a good time.

Should you separate BDSM and Sex? That’s completely up to you; but as I’ve said previously there are reasons to do so and there are just as valid reasons not to. BDSM play tends to be just as intimate as sex, sometimes moreso. This is a decision that you should make for yourself while you are still searching for your Dominant or play partner. Stick to what you decide.  Your future intimacy depends on your decisions now.

So, what about you? Can you separate sex from BDSM?

Other Thoughts on BDSM and Sex

• Our chat discussion transcript from 8/25/09 on this very topic
• Is BDSM Sexual?
• BDSM vs. Kink

Review: Erotic Slavehood

One of the cornerstone books recommended for submissives and Dominants alike has always been Erotic Slavehood by Christina Abernathy. Once two individual books; Miss Abernathy’s Concise Slave Training Manual and Training with Miss Abernathy, this omnibus has everything you could want in a manual about training submissives.

When I first read this book I was in awe of the depth that I could comprehend the training ideas. There were so many places that I found myself nodding my head in agreement to what she had to say. The book is a bit dated as the original books were written in 1998 but the information on it’s pages can be brought to modern times and understood with the same impact.

There is one flaw that is major to me, but may be minor to some. The book is decently put together; if you can get past all of the spelling errors. It’s like there was no editor and it can get quite annoying if you have any temptation to correct other people’s spelling. Of course, ignoring the errors is sloppy and I’m sure just overlooked due to the popularity of the book. I would like to see another updated version come out with spelling corrected some day in the future.

It has everything that even a single submissive could use to improve themselves on their own. I highly recommend the training exercises in the second book; and use them myself to bring about a better understanding of my service to my Dominant partner.

If you are looking for a step by step training manual, this book will certainly provide that. If you are looking for an understanding of training and what it can do for enhancing your relationship, this book offers that as well.

Product Details

• luna’s Rating: 8/10
• Published on: 2007-06-15
• Original language: English
• Binding: Paperback
• 192 pages

Buy your copy of Erotic Slavehood Now!

One month into my first real time D/S relationship: A Training Review

This is a Guest Post by A. She is a new submissive in her first 24/7 dynamic. I received this wonderfully written review of her first 30 days and she offered to share it with everyone here. Enjoy!

It has come to my attention after reading submissiveguide.com that my training with Sir has already begun, though not outright labeled as such.  Indeed, every relationship I have ever had has begun in this way, learning the likes and dislikes of my partner and trying to accommodate, but with Him, I am more aware of this process, as it is more deliberate.  At the outset, on the day of our first meeting, he instructed me to wear a black dress, and sit in the park reading and await Him.  I am validated to read in Luna’s writing that my concern over my appearance, and also trying to be peaceful, not fidget and patient was already a positive in the direction of desired qualities in a submissive.  Since that day, we have grown together in many ways, and the ways in which I have learned to please Him are outlined below.  I plan to update this list periodically, to track the ways in which I deepen my submission, the ways in which my wants and needs evolve and dovetail with His.

Speech:

Sir:
Use of the word Sir was discussed online, before we had even initially met.  He indicated I could call Him whatever I wished, but desired Sir for intimate moments.  As we grew closer, it applied whenever He was asserting His dominance, be it out in public, online or on the phone and I show my acceptance and submission with the honorific response.

Thank you:
At various times I have been corrected for not thanking Him for the orgasm He allowed me to have.  I have begun to thank Him for blows He gives me in certain contexts, He has not commented either way on this, or corrected when I do not.

Wording:
When I removed His shoes, I asked if He would like to keep His socks or not.  This is something I am still trying to work on, my natural way of speaking is to ask “can I?”  but I am well aware “may I” is more appropriate.  Sir does not comment on this, but I feel it is more respectful, and I’m frustrated with myself at each error.

Enunciation:
Another flaw of mine is that in the course of being together, when I am excited, I often forget the appropriate response of “yes Sir, no Sir” and may make a moaning sort of affirmation or denial. His tone changes immediately as he demands the proper response and I know I run the risk of displeasing Him should I not enunciate properly.

Positions:

Spanking:
Sir is particular about positions and protocol.  When I am to be spanked, I am to kneel and bend over with my face flat, shoulders to the bed, and present myself.  He prefers my back to be straight, which is difficult for me, as my natural tendency is to reverse arch my back.  As I am punished, I am most often allowed to cry out, but not to move.  If I flinch, I am to return to the instructed position immediately without hesitation.  If I am to stand and be punished, I must brace myself stiff armed on a designated piece of furniture, slightly bent, head down.

Undressing:
I am just now beginning to learn how to undress for Sir. I feel a bit silly, but the lingerie I wear for Him helps. So far He has only specified me to remove my panties while facing away from Him, slightly bent over.  Beyond that He has only asked that I please Him with my removal of my clothes, and I try to be creative and pleasing in the process.

Waiting to Serve Sexually:
When Sir decides He wishes to use me I am ordered to get on the bed, on my back, legs spread open and knees up, so He can gaze at me exposed while He readies Himself to enter me.  Often I will casually hold this position, while writhing a bit, gazing at Him to allow Him to feel my passion and desire, and my hunger. Occasionally He will correct me and tell me to be still, but generally He enjoys my arousal and encourages me to exhibit these feelings.

From the Rear:
As one of Sir’s favorite ways to have me, positioning for rear entry is very important.  He prefers a similar position to that of spanking, with more of a reverse lean so as to better accommodate His thrusts.

Rituals and Behavior:

Morning Check In:
Each day when I get up, I am to write to Him, tell Him my plans for the day, and say hello. Sometimes He responds with additional commands, which may include meditating on a certain subject, writing, masturbation or explicit instructions to abstain from that. Other times He responds with a brief “good morning my sweet girl.” Other times He does not respond at all. The initial contact on my part is the focus, and allows me to show that in waking up to start my day, He is in my first thoughts.

Shoes:
My first actual training occurred when we reached my home our first day together.  Sir sat on my couch, and took one of the pillows, placing it at His feet, He instructed me to kneel and remove His shoes.  He informed me at that time that His women do not kneel on the floor, only on pillows, and so I learned my first lesson. Now, unless we are in a rush, I kneel at His feet and put on and remove His shoes.

Worship:
In removing or putting on of shoes, I always kiss the tops of His feet.  Once the shoes are off or on respectively, from my kneeling position I wrap my arms around His calves, and press my head down softly on His lap. He then bends at the waist, and embraces me and we hold that moment.  In this way, I show my devotion and love, and He shows His acceptance and reciprocation.

Sir also requires certain ways of being touched, especially after intercourse.  He prefers His chest to be stroked and will directly request it.

Massage:
Due to injury, regular massage is very beneficial to Him, so often I do massage His muscles for Him, both solicited and unsolicited.  As I do these things for Him, I try to focus on the feelings I have for Him, all I appreciate that He does for me, and allow that warmth and tenderness to radiate through my hands.  This is to me, one of the highest forms of worship and a deep communion between us.

Fetching:
I have the natural desire, when fetching something for Him, to kneel and present the item with both hands upon my return. Sir has expressed appreciation for this, and thus I adopt it.

Toys:
Sir introduces all toys and equipment by either presenting it to me or instructing me to fetch it for Him. He then presents it to my lips and I kiss it, typically a flogger, rope or a slapper, though a blindfold or other bondage instruments, hair brush, etc, are managed similarly.

When Sir is finished with the toy, or when I am cleaning up the room afterward, I am to take the toy to the closet where it is kept, and hang it very deliberately in its designated spot. I stop the swaying with my hands, then bend at the waist to kiss the item, as He watches.  He then closes the closet door.

Presentation:
Sir prefers that the condom box be displayed in my room, with one always set on top, ready and anticipating His need.

Orgasm Control:
Sir has decreed that I may not orgasm without His permission.  As I feel it build, I am to ask, and if He says no, resist it.  This has been my sole punishable infraction to date, as the way in which He was having me made it next to impossible to resist, and in complete honesty, I wanted to see what would happen.  Since that time though, with punishment looming over my head, I improved a great deal, and even redeemed myself, forgiven and excused from the punishment.  Sir has been pleased to the point where He has moved on to orgasm on command.

Orgasm on Command:
Sir employs both the counting method and basic instruction for orgasm on command training and only during sex, which makes it easier for me.  He wishes to lessen my response time however.  I myself would like to be trained by Sir to orgasm independent of sexual stimulation; i.e. a simple word can trigger that response but that is at His discretion.

Clothing:
Usually He does not request specific items of clothing to be worn, but generally I ask when planning to see Him, what He would like for me to wear. As we are still in the beginnings of our relationship, He is not 100% familiar with my wardrobe, but I do my best to accommodate His requests.

Personal Grooming:
Sir often does request specific hair styles of me, and I do my best to please Him in this way. Also, He prefers me to have pubic hair, which I have always removed. Growing out and getting used to this hair has been challenging for me, but His pleasure in knowing it is difficult but seeing that I obey nonetheless makes it a rewarding task.

A is a submissive from Boston MA.  She has experienced elements of BDSM in the past, but is now embarking on her first 24×7 collared relationship.  She happily shares her progress with others who may be inspired in a similar manner. You can find her on FetLife as northern_siren.

Photo by and of A.

Am I Submissive?

So, you want me to tell you how you can tell if you are submissive or not? Asking someone else if you are submissive is like asking a blind man what color your dress is. Is there some magical online quiz that can say whether you are submissive or slave? Unfortunately no and I don’t think I’d listen to the results of one if it existed either. Submission isn’t something you can find in a self-help book or a therapist. Submission is a calling.

No, not the same kind of calling that religion speaks about; but similar. Some people find submission to be a natural way to live; something that comes to them easily and simply. To be a natural submissive means you have something innate and inherent in them that disposes them to submission.  Others have to learn about submission step by step. I’ve written about my own experiences with learning submission in the post Submission by Choice. When you feel inside that you are happiest when submitting, that’s when you know you’re submissive. There is no secret to it.

Hearing your inner voice tends to be the hardest thing. You’ve probably come to this post because either someone said you are submissive and you want to know more or you’ve heard that inner voice and you are curious about what it means. Hopefully you will leave here with some understanding of submission and how you know if you are submissive or not.

It will take soul searching, no doubt about that. Trust me when I say that you can not become submissive if you do not have the basic inclination to serve and the emotional pleasure of being available to serve. Once you have that, you are well on your way to knowing you are submissive.

Let’s take a look at the following four spaces to help you figure out if you are submissive. Apply them however they will work for your own personal situation.

Knowing you are submissive will have a mental aspect to it. When you think of serving others does it put you in a peaceful position? If it feels like the logical thing to do then it probably is. When I found that I was happy being submissive I stopped fighting myself and accepted being happy.

You may also have a spiritual connection to submission. I’ve often described my connectedness to my Dominant as being in prayer. I feel a higher power sort of connection when I please him. You may have an overall sense of bliss or complete happiness thinking about or participating in service.

Connecting to submissive can have an emotional response as well. You may cry uncontrollably, or smile so hard and so often that your cheeks hurt. There is a clear sign that you are submissive when you can look upon being of service to someone else and your heart aches with need. Your emotional response is usually the strongest response to submissive stimulus that you will be able to experience.

Lastly when you are submissive you will develop a physical response to Dominance exerted at or near you. For many this is sexual excitement but it could also be a need to physically get up and do something to bring your closer to that Dominance. I’ve had moments that only felt perfect when I listened to the primal urge to kneel or kiss his hand or do something to serve him.

Feeling all of these things at one time or another usually means you have a submissive mindset. It may not happen all the time, but the moments that do you should try to feed it. Develop a service you can provide someone else, volunteer in your community and certainly, if you can explore a relationship with Dominance and submission at its core. You may find the calling you were hearing was one thing or another… or all of the above. Only you can know if submission is the right direction for you.

photo by doug88888

The Disposable Relationship Mentality

I’ve been witness to a shocking new trend in relationships lately. Perhaps I’m old school or old fashioned but what I’m seeing in today’s society, and not just the BDSM culture, is the lack of effort in relationships.

As I was raised I was taught that something worthwhile wasn’t always easy to achieve and you may have to work hard to get it. I applied this to everything in my life; including the relationships I developed. My marriage may have failed, but I didn’t give up and worked very hard to make it work before admitting defeat. The same goes for my current relationship. It takes work.

Now I’m not saying that you should give every relationship a fighting chance because I know some relationships are rushed into, lacking desire, destructive or overall bad for you. These are not what I mean by disposable relationships. These are relationships that everyone has to experience to know what a good relationship looks like.

An Example of What I’m Talking About

Recently Master and I were going through a rough patch. Things have since cleared up so there’s no need to worry, I know I didn’t. Recommendations from people that barely know us were along the lines of the disposable relationship mentality.

“Oh well you’ve been together for so long, maybe you aren’t compatible anymore and should consider moving on.”

“If you are having problems then perhaps he isn’t the right guy for you, get out while you are still young.”

“I’d toss him on the curb and find a real man!”

All of these really had me shocked. It’s not like I was begging for happiness in our relationship, I was just voicing my frustrations with the current dilemma. Master and I work hard at our relationship. We have a very open communication channel and use it regularly to talk about everything. We are the most openly communicative relationship I have seen.  We don’t give up because deep inside the love for each other is worth keeping. If your are spiritually happy in your relationship you’ll understand on what level Master and I are.

The Disposable Relationship Mentality

I see the advice we tend to give people online that we barely know. We jump to the conclusion that their relationship is doomed and tell them 9 times out of 10 that the man or woman just isn’t worth it and they need to let them go and move on. We do this without hearing the other side, asking more questions or even understanding where this issue came from that they are asking advice on. Why do we do this?

The disposable relationship mentality is a lot like our disposable nature with everything else. We throw everything away. Quality has taken a back seat to convenience and cost. We dismiss issues with a relationship as broken goods and we just let them loose to try and find someone else that won’t break. Of course when that one does as well we start hating relationships altogether. There’s no effort anymore.

Do you think a relationship will blossom if the two or more people involved don’t work at it? Of course not. How hard are you working in your relationship to make it work to your satisfaction?

How about your current relationship? Is it like that toaster you have to keep replacing every few years because it stops toasting correctly or is it that cherished family heirloom that you take great care in keeping beautiful and shining for all to see?

Strengths and Misconceptions of Kajira

This is another guest post by dina of kajiradreams. She continues her thoughts on Gor and the life of a kajira. You can also read her thoughts on what it’s like to be an owned kajira.

The strengths of a kajira and the misconceptions of what a kajira is and does.
And what strengths better a kajira in being her Master’s absolute and total property….

I want to make one statement before I write what was set of me.
Gor, Gorean philosophy, Gorean lifestyle is exactly that. A lifestyle that is chose by those that have a particular set of intrinsic ideals. I have no time for role-players or wannabes. it is not something that you can ‘act’. It is not a ‘role’ you can play. It has to be lived, from the heart. Also, Gor is a fictional planet within a series of fantasy novels written by John Lange under the pen name John Norman. Gorean lifestyle can be lived here on Earth, but with adaptations, compromises and understanding. Gor of the books is fiction. The underlying principles and values are real.

I feel I should start with the misconceptions surrounding a kajira, as I know so many people in my life that would look with horror and complete incomprehension of that word (that is is they knew what it meant). To outside observers Gorean philosophy appears to subjugate women, treating them as mere objects, owned, ordered about, used as mere sex objects. It also appears at first glance to be all about sex, about sex mad dumb blondes with no brains or ability to exercise their own independence or free will… with no brains to know what they want, reliant on another person. women who have no mind of their own, no thoughts or ideas. Men who want to just use females, objectify them, dehumanise them… All in all, weak minded, easily controlled people who get a kick out of being treat like a piece of meat.

Sorry to disappoint you all agreeing with that statement, but it isn’t.
The Gorean lifestyle actually allows women to be women and men to be Men. I am a woman, quite categorically female and I am a completely different creature of the human species type to Men, I am softer in nature, more emotional, curvier and more able to love unconditionally. Gor allows me to be true to my nature and to myself.

Ultimately Gor comes down to the need for control though. The need of one person to be controlled and another to take control. Gor is about finding yourself in fulfilling that need.

So what are the strengths of a kajira?
For me a kajira is a woman who is confident in her femininity, strong in her commitment and strong in spirit. As kajira I offered myself to my Master freely, of my own free will and in that I chose to give my own will into his care. I am obedient, not because I have to, but because I choose to be. I know I can be forced into obedience by my Master, but that would not be pleasing. My first priority is to be pleasing to my Master and within that I choose to willingly do whatever he asks in order to meet his desires. In doing so I gain pleasure. A kajira is expected to give herself over entirely to her Master, heart, mind, body and spirit and under his guidance learn what is expected of her. I find as I learn more and more what is expected of me, I give more and more of myself. It is without doubt a difficult process and fears surface each time a limit is pushed or a change is realised, but it is a very worthwhile journey and not everything is painful. A Master does not walk this path out of cruelty or a desire to inflict pain, or a desire to have a kajira who will blindly do his bidding… I mean, how many people really want to spend time with a mindless robot? I don’t walk this path as kajira out of fear either, but because I want to. I want to please my Master, in every and any way I can. I want to meet his expectations of me, I want him to be proud of who and what I am, and what I freely give to him out of love and trust and submission. I need to remember, internalize that thought and trust that what my Master demands of me is for my own good.

It has been said that a kajira has no responsibilities or thoughts of her own, that the master holds all the responsibilities. All I can say to that is get real! have you ever actually thought about what it really means to be pleasing to a Master at all times? I am by no means expert, but even I know It certainly is not easy and neither is it meant to be. I find my master makes me look into myself, recognize and accept my beauty, speak my ideas, thoughts, dreams, fantasies and aspirations and be loved just for being myself. It is a hard thing to do.. to accept yourself and realize that you are loved just for being that person, the dark side of your nature just as much as the light. It takes an inordinate amount of strength, but in doing so I see that no matter what, my love for him is returned 10 fold and I am forced to feel it; I feel my life is safe from harm, that my Master protects me and shields me from all that is wrong in the world, whether that be other peoples actions, intent or malice. This strong, dominant, honourable man who consciously and purposefully demands every intimate feeling and thought I have. The desire and need that creates within me is overwhelming, the need to turn over my most basic human rights and trust totally and completely in one Man and his decisions. In a previous post I made reference to IE. IE for those that do not know, stands for Internal Enslavement. If you want to know what that is, look it up. I am not going to explain it here.

The strengths of a kajira for me is to allow this to happen. To have the strength to give that level of control over to another, to trust that they will act accordingly in the best interests of both themselves and their property. The strength to look into yourself and accept everything that is there, good and bad. The strength to change aspects of yourself in order to please another. The strength to place everything you have ever accepted as intrinsic to who you are, to one side as you learn. To relearn who you are and your place in life and in society. The strength to consciously choose a path whereby another will exercise the process of IE within you, knowing full well that as you walk that path you consciously and freely chose the end result, the result whereby you are psychologically bound to your Master in such a way you are mentally no longer able to exercise free will.

I am uncomfortable admitting it within myself, but I am a strong person. It keeps being pointed out to me and demonstrated quite clearly, but I feel uncomfortable accepting it when I find myself turning into everything I have previously detested. but I am strong. I will make those changes for my Master, not just because he demands it of me, but because I need to. It takes great strength to be completely 100% honest with another, especially when it is regarding things you are ashamed of or things that have upset you in the past, but I do it. I do so because I trust my Master to guide me and teach me how to please him better. One that sticks out quite sharply for me as a strength is the ability to trust in his judgment. I need to explain this one a bit better.

I am not a mindless robot. I am fiery, I am passionate, I am ruled by strong deep-seated emotions, I am intelligent, I have ideas, thoughts, concerns, issues, fantasies, wants and needs. It is instinctual when someone demands an action for me to question. sometimes there will be quite strong fears or concerns regarding this. Being kajira does not mean that I give my Master blind obedience; being kajira means that there is a time and a place for everything. That I must trust my Master to allow me to express those fears and concerns, that I must trust him to help me work through them so they are no longer barriers. That I must trust my Master to be acting in both his and my best interests. and that at the end of it all, regardless of how strongly opposed my own feelings may or may not be, I have the strength to say the words which are the right of every kajirae. “Yes Master”.

Another key strength for me is being able to let go, lose myself as I fall down this rabbit hole in the knowledge that my Master will always be there when I fail, and I will fail for I am human but he will be there allowing me to pick myself up, evaluate what went wrong and continue the journey, knowing that as I lose myself, I also find myself.

Two final points to make, I know I have rambled on here quite a bit and I have repeated myself a lot… I am not going to edit it though as I feel it will detract from showing my Master my thought process.

1. I have an ever growing, innate need to be pleasing to my Master. I cannot switch that off. It eats inside me, demanding to be fed and to feed it means giving everything I am over to the hands of another; becoming bound to them in a way that there is no retreat, no escape route, no leniency. This is a very frightening concept and process, but just because it is ’scary’ does not mean I will back away from it. I always have enjoyed a good fight and I know within myself I have that strength to move through those fears and become everything I can be and more.
2. “If you resent being polished how can you become a mirror”. Within the need to be pleasing to my Master, there is a further desire to be a reflection of him, his ideals, his standards, his integrity, honesty, confidence, strength of character, dedication and commitment. I desire for my Master to see within me what I see in him. He makes me so happy and content and complete. I want to give him everything he desires and more besides. I have to. I have to in order to be true to myself.

Done. Finito!

Photo by Strength ~vs~ Weakness

Don’t Assume Submissive Means Sister

You know you’ve entered online submissive ground when everyone you don’t know starts to refer to you as sister. It’s been years since I’ve ‘lived’ online but this is something that has always irked me. Recently on FetLife I saw a question that had an interesting twist to the whole sister submissive thing that I’d like to talk about. I pulled out the issue, but kept one part of the question that I’d like to base this post on.

As subs aren’t we suppose to support and care for our sub sisters? Or this a dog eat dog world where our sub sisters don’t care for each other?

First I’d like to respond to the question. We are all people, submissive or not. Just because you identify as submissive does not give you a membership card into the friendship club for me. Sure I’m going to care for you with the same care I give any person I meet. Just don’t expect me to care more because you are submissive. This isn’t always a dog eat dog world, but you can’t expect people to always treat you the way you treat them.

I don’t know you. I’m going to give you the same courtesy I give a stranger. Even acquaintances aren’t going to get the same treatment as a close friend. That’s just the way I work. If submissives treated each other with more care and support than others, then we’d have less crying over submissives stealing other Dominants, talking bad about others and the number of other really horrible things that people do to each other online.

What is the value of relating in this way?

For online submissives there is a huge value in having a sense of camaraderie and comfort with other people. Usually online submissives are exploring the only way they know how and they have a fantastical idea of what D/s is and how BDSM really works. This fantasy helps them create a buffer with the real world. Online becomes a perfect world where all submissives are docile and kneel for hours at a time, service is always graceful and takes 30 mins to get a coffee and Dominants and submissives get together at the simple suggestion.

So to have sub sisters to relate to online is a way of developing a family of people that you can go to and talk about concerns, struggles, questions and friendship. It’s part of the illusion of the lifestyle. In some respects, it can be healthy and helpful, especially if the sub sisters have real life experience they can share with the online submissives.

How did submissives get put in a higher plane than everyone else?

Related to the ‘dog eat dog world’ comment above, online submissives; and I’m sure some real life ones too, feel that because they are submissive that they are angels and not subject to being human. Not every person you  meet is genuine or kind. In fact some are down-right rude and disgusting. You just can’t live in a perfect world; even online.

So I think submissives got put on a higher plane for these submissives because they want to look for the perfect in everyone. Oh and you can pretend to be whoever you want online so they may appear perfect. Again, it’s part of the fantasy that is nurtured online.

My personal feelings on sister submissives

I don’t like to be called sister by people that aren’t my sister. I’ve never told someone not to call me sister, but I just tend to ignore it. I think the name gets tossed around too much for my preference.  My sister means more to me than my friends and I can’t see any of my friends becoming sister-like (except my childhood best friend). Now I could be wrong and I could change my opinion later in life, but I doubt it. I think part of the reason I have issues with it is because I have NEVER seen Dominants refer to themselves in the same way. Are they all Dominant brothers? Nope. There’s no reason to associate that way online or in real life.

Are there real life examples of sub sisters?

Ya know, I’m not really sure. I’ve not met anyone in real life that calls others their sister. Does it happen in poly households? Or maybe Gorean ones? Let me know! I’d be curious to have a guest post on the use of sister in real life BDSM or D/s relationships. If’ you’re interested, contact me!

Now Available: The Spanking Series in E-Book!

If you have ever wondered how you can get the spanking you’ve always wanted but wasn’t sure how to ask for it, there is a book for you. I was just offered the chance to review a copy of How to Get the Spanking You Want: The Complete Guide to Asking for It, Getting It & Making It Better by Vivian of The Disciplined Feminist. I’ve just been able to browse it so far and read the first chapter but I’m already impressed!

The book is an excellent read for anyone that is on the edge about asking for a spanking, understanding why you desire that spanking and how to get what you want once you have asked for it. The book really is that special. The language so far is easy to read and welcoming to the newcomer to spanking as a lifestyle choice. You won’t be disappointed. This wisdom can only come from someone with over 20 years experience and education and training in the field of gender roles and psychology.

Get your PDF copy of the book now!

From the info page:

Written in an honest, compassionate and easy-to-read style, this guide will share with you…

• The real reasons your partner may be reluctant to spank you that will surprise and even shock you! (page 89)
• Why the popular “I Love Lucy” method of teasing or “bratting” your partner into spanking you is virtually guaranteed to fail — and may even hurt your relationship! (page 41)
• How to stop being disappointed when your real-life spankings don’t measure up to your fantasies (page 20)
• What to do if your partner has already said “no” to spanking you (page 70)
• How to take a spanking — yes, there are special techniques for receiving as well as giving a good spanking! (page 120)
• Getting past your embarrassment about wanting to be spanked (page 16)
• What it really takes to build a satisfying spanking relationship (page 140)
• How to prepare for your first real spanking (page 99)
• What to do if you find yourself getting a spanking that’s more painful that you expected (page 134)
• Get spanked in public without getting your partner arrested (page 154)
• How to cope if you need a spanking and don’t have a partner
• The 7 steps to more satisfying spankings (page 140)
• How to safely get spanked if you have a history of childhood abuse
• Expanded 2nd edition — 12 additional pages of material!
• And much more!

Get your PDF copy of the book now!

Still not sure? Here’s an excerpt of the book:

“HOW TO GET THE SPANKING YOU WANT”
(www.HowToGetaSpanking.com, © Variant Books 2009, all rights reserved.  Used with permission.)

How to Take a Spanking

Most of the focus on spankings revolves around the way that spankings are given. And this is understandable.  After all, the person spanking is doing the obvious work in the situation.  He’s the one who has to know how to spank, how long to spank, how hard to spank, etc.  All you have to do is lay there and get your spanking.

Or so it seems.

Many people are surprised to learn that there is just as much of an art to taking a spanking as there is to giving one.  So while your partner is learning the art of spanking, you’ll want to learn the art of being spanked.

To learn how to take a spanking, let’s start with the most basic fact that often gets overlooked when you’re anticipating your first spanking…

Real spankings hurt

If you haven’t been spanked before, this often comes as a big shock.  But it’s true:  spankings hurt.  A lot.  Probably a lot more than you realize.

Spankings are, of course, supposed to hurt.  But it’s one thing to imagine that they’re going to hurt and quite another to experience that pain in real life on your very own tender and vulnerable bottom.

In our fantasies, we know that spankings hurt and we probably even imagine how much they hurt and what our reaction will be.  Perhaps we imagine that we cry and beg for mercy or resist the spanking and are forced to take it even though it hurts.  Or maybe we imagine being stoic and brave and keeping a “stiff upper lip” through a severe caning or paddling, like in those British boarding school movies.

But by and large, most of our fantasies focus on the other parts of a spanking – how deliciously embarrassing it would be to be, say, be spanked in front of your class at school, or the thrill of being turned over your partner’s knee and having your skirt flipped off and your bottom bared like a naughty little girl. Or countless other scenarios and details that contribute to the excitement of being spanked.

Which is why it can be a pretty rude awakening when you feel that first swat on your bottom and realize how extreme the pain really is.  To repeat: spankings (even “mild” ones) hurt.

If you aren’t ready for how much a spanking is going to hurt, you may have a pretty extreme reaction to the pain.  That’s because your survival instinct is pre-programmed to protest – strenuously – whenever it registers that you feel pain.  Your survival instinct doesn’t care that you’re turned on by spankings. That’s because it’s even stronger than your spanking desires. It just gets the signal from your bottom that you are feeling pain and does what it’s programmed to do – resist, get away, fight back or whatever feels safest and most likely to work at that instant.

This reaction, whatever it is, is likely to surprise you. You have wanted a spanking for so long and imagined it so often in your head that the idea that you would resist or not want the pain may catch you off guard.

And it may also be very upsetting or disturbing to your partner, whom you remember is probably still a bit nervous that he’s going to hurt you too much and get himself in trouble.

If you react very intensely to the pain of the spanking, you may be confirming for your partner all of his worst fears – that he is a closet abuser who has just done a terrible and unforgivable thing to you by hitting you and causing you pain (and yes, the darker fear that you will get angry with him and turn him in to the police for beating you).

If you have never been spanked before, you would be wise to assume going in that you’re going to have this extreme reaction to your first real spanking, no matter how much you want and need it.

To be safe, it’s important to talk with your partner beforehand about this possibility so that he’s prepared for whatever reaction you have and reassure him that you will not hold him responsible or accuse him of domestic abuse if your spanking hurts more than you realize.

In addition, you may want to talk with your partner in advance about bruising or marks on your skin.  Many spankers are fine with the spanking, and then become upset the next day when they see the results of their handiwork on their partner’s vulnerable skin.

I’m not going to tell you here that you should avoid bruising or marks. The truth is that most of the methods that claim to avoid bruising don’t work all that well and aren’t particularly reliable.  Iif you’re going to get spanked, you’re probably going to get bruised.  Your job is to make sure you’re okay with this, and then to make sure your partner knows you’re okay with it – or even excited by these lasting reminders of your spanking.

Real spankings can be shocking

In addition to hurting more than we might realize, spankings can be psychologically shocking, even if we’ve fantasized about them.

If we’ve never been spanked or hit before, the experience of being spanked – literally hit – can trigger intense emotions that go even deeper than our very deep desire to be spanked.

During your spanking, you may experience anything from panic and terror to extreme crying and feelings of helplessness.

None of these reactions means that you are wrong to want a spanking.  They just mean that your spanking has triggered some deeper emotions and instincts in you that you will need to deal with.

First of all, you may just be having the instinctive reaction to being hit that we talked about in the prior section.  We all have that primitive “fight or flight” reaction inside that is triggered whenever we feel physically or psychologically threatened.  The part of your brain that is designed to keep you safe by triggering this instinct may be doing its job, regardless of what the part of you that is turned on by the idea of being spanked says.

Second, spanking is also cathartic.  Because it’s an intense experience, getting a spanking can release all kinds of emotions that you are carrying around inside from the rest of your life that you haven’t expressed.

For example, if you’re having a difficult time at work, but haven’t given yourself permission to “let it out” and express your frustration,  you may find yourself letting it all out during your spanking.  You may find yourself crying a lot more than you (or your partner) believes is justified given the severity of your spanking.

If you find yourself in a catharsis during your spanking, my advice is to go with it and accept it as a blessing and a gift.  One of the wonderful, amazing parts of being spanked is the ability to let go of your responsible, strong self and let your vulnerable self show.  Cry like a baby, sob your guts out – let the spanking cleanse all of that negative emotion out of you.  Afterwards, you will probably feel like you went to a spa or had a nice massage!

So to help you take your spanking with grace and courage, even when you feel like you can’t stand another swat, what follows are some tips to help with the pain…

Get your PDF copy of the book now!

That’s not all though, she has a companion book written for the spanker titled, How to Give a Spanking: Advice from the Receiving End. I have this book as well to read and let you know what it’s like in a review coming later. If it’s anything like what I’ve read so far it will be well worth it.

If you buy both books today, you get 20% off! That’s a wonderful bundle deal, so don’t wait. Get these wonderful spanking resources now.

Chat Night Transcript From BDSM and Sex Talk – 8/25/09

Our first chat was a great success. Everyone gave permission to post the transcript and continue the conversation here. I loved every minute of interesting conversation. Read and enjoy!

<~luna[KM]> Alright, let’s get started. If you haven’t figured out, I’m luna. I started the site in January after I got tired of not finding what I wanted in all the sites online. I didn’t need the how to’s, but the whys.
<~luna[KM]> My goal with these chat nights is to share knowledge and information with each other to develop and grow in our submission.
<~luna[KM]> Tonight we are going to talk about BDSM and sex; if they are integral to our sexuality or if they can be separated as well as the whole perception in the community.
<~luna[KM]> In the reading for today we saw some people’s opinions as to whether sex and BDSM were separate things. What do you feel is the right way to explain it for yourself?
<hisowned1> it seemed to me that the gist of the articles–taken as a whole–was that sex is integral to a bdsm relationship….however, most bdsm relationships contain many other dimensions in addition to the sexual
<~luna[KM]> For me, in the beginning sex and BDSM were not the same, I was exploring and playing outside of a committed relationship, casually and did not want sex to be a part of it. I wanted the sensation and not the sexuality of it.
<~luna[KM]> Now that I’m in a relationship, I can not separate the two. BDSM is my sex and so much more.
<pet> i would have to agree with you luna
<hisowned1> most of our relationships probably involve the spiritual, psychological, emotional realms (should i include practical also?), in addition to sexual.  well, as luna has pointed out in some of her articles, there may be differences between solely online relationships and in-person relationships…
<~luna[KM]> Laura Goodwin (the first essay) said that it was absurd to think that sex and BDSM are separate things, that the whole reason we invite BDSM into our lives is for the sex. Now, most of what she is referring is the tactile play aspects of BDSM, but do you agree?
<~luna[KM]> Is BDSM sexual?
<pet> to me its one of many things
<~luna[KM]> You bring up a good point hisowned1. Can you really have a sexual experience online and consider it a BDSM sexual act?
<~luna[KM]> The critics will say that no, you can’t have a BDSM sex act online – that it’s just masochistic fantasy and masturbation.
<hisowned1> i think pet has something to contribute here.  pet, what are the ‘many things’ you refer to?
<hisowned1> …if i may ask…
<pet> would say for myself personally,  the service, the emotional aspect is also important to me
<hisowned1> yes, me too
<~luna[KM]> pet, do you feel that there is too much focus on the sexuality of BDSM when people talk about BDSM?
<pet> sometimes yes
<pet> to me personally there is so much to our lifestyle
<~luna[KM]> There are a lot of levels to the lifestyle, I would like to focus tonight on the physical act of play and it’s association with sex.
<~luna[KM]> When I talk with others that may not be as familiar with BDSM as they can be, I always get the perception that they think BDSM is just kinky sex.
<~luna[KM]> But when we as lifestyle and active participants get together, I see more of a separation between play and sex
<asweetpea123> at this point in my relationship with my Master all aspects interact at different levels.  Depending on the situation will depend on how deeply they react to the different aspects from sex to emotion etc
<~luna[KM]> So, can you play without sexual contact?
<pet> right, by what i have read, some definitely separate play and sex.
<~luna[KM]> sexual contact being genital touching
<radiogirl2009> oh of course
<radiogirl2009> I think so
<pet> i think so
<pet> also
<asweetpea123> yes
<radiogirl2009> my Master can play with me because he lives in my head
<radiogirl2009> my submission is in me
<~luna[KM]> Ok, so if the sensation receptors in your brain say that you are turned on, is it still sex or somehow it’s play?
<~luna[KM]> And if it is different, how do you discern the difference?
<asweetpea123> Wow
<asweetpea123> when you put it that way.
<hisowned1> how are we defining what ‘play’ means?
<radiogirl2009> okay, for me……… sex means a lot of different things
<radiogirl2009> and even though we have sex (phone sex, webcam sex) its in my mind
<~luna[KM]> play would be a set moment in time where two or more people are scening for the intent to experience sensations. This can be impact play, bondage or other forms of non-contact play.
<radiogirl2009> play……… is.. teasing
<asweetpea123> Ok my Master and I can have sex…touching in whatever way…but we can have no contact or “play” time from as far away as a phone or email where direction are given and yet I still feel the intensity as if it were physical.  He still controls me even far away
<radiogirl2009> oh yes
<~luna[KM]> If BDSM is considered part of the sexual arena, why is it not included in more vanilla ideas of sex?
<asweetpea123> ?
<~luna[KM]> If we go on the assumption the BDSM and sex are not separate, why don’t we see more mainstream sexual encounters echo what we do?
<asweetpea123> People are afraid of stereotype…beating abuse dominance have a very negative opinion in the world
<asweetpea123> It is lack of knowledge that keep people from understanding the deep strong positive connection
<pet> yes it does im afraid.  though i do have a friend who is very understanding and supportive.
<asweetpea123> media puts those words in prison/court/negative from an abusive husband/spouse and people stop looking farther…past the end of their nose
<~luna[KM]> So, can we say that BDSM is sensual more than sexual? Since we can have sex without BDSM and have discussed earlier that people can have BDSM without sex?
<~luna[KM]> It is unfortunate that the media has trouble accepting us, but the media is still working through homosexual acceptance, I fear that kink acceptance is further down the list.
<asweetpea123> BDSM is sensual for me.  Very much so.  to be so deeply controlled by someone who wants so desperately to control me…is sensual and loving..
<pet> i feel it is very sensual,  because of the close connection between Dom and sub.
<asweetpea123> I would agree…media has come a long way but they have a long way to go
<~luna[KM]> how about you radiogirl2009? is what you’ve experienced more sensual or sexual?
<pet> yes they do.
<asweetpea123> The Master watches out for you…when he decides on something he has already through for you…he knows you better than you do…how is that for sensual..
* ~luna[KM] smiles. It’s a good analogy asweetpea123
<pet> yes Sir reads me like a book.  sometimes i think he knows me better than i know myself sometimes
<radiogirl2009> well it greatly depends on my perception I guess
<radiogirl2009> Playing (not actually touching)  for me is mainly mental…. and that is extremely sensual
<radiogirl2009> however, when he gets the flogger out…… its pure SEXUAL
<asweetpea123> again it is a mental sensation…even in flogging…anyone can hit you…but a Master who incites this is thinking of you when he does the flogging or allows the flogging to take place…that becomes sensual
<asweetpea123> It is no different than the circle of life or ebb and flow.  one creates the other…without one the other is nto
<asweetpea123> not
<~luna[KM]> Great points all of them.
<~luna[KM]> You can mix sensual and sexual into BDSM, like a cocktail.
<hisowned1> asweetpea, that was beautifully put above—your post about the circle of life and ebb and flow.  lovely.  and true
<asweetpea123> Thank you hisowned1
<~luna[KM]> Now, I’ve been to a few parties and one party I’ve been too, doesn’t allow penetration of any kind. Others do, how does that change the way we could view sex and BDSM?
<asweetpea123> I feel that again if no penetration is allowed that does not matter.  The Master controls the Sensual/Sexual intensity of the situation…
<~luna[KM]> For Master and myself, we prefer to keep our sex private, but we are okay sharing the SM play at parties.
<asweetpea123> your sexual satisfaction is directed by Master no surroundings
<~luna[KM]> It makes for a rather interesting argument when we say that BDSM and sex are the same thing and yet we can fracture it like that for play parties.
<asweetpea123> His Sexual Satisfaction is directed by him
<asweetpea123> LOL yes it does…but a duck is a duck
<pet> i would feel the same way, i would much prefer to keep our sex private

photo by Dano

The Behind the Scenes: A Dominant Character

I’ve been exploring the writing of a Dominant mind lately and thought I’d share with you some of the wonderful musings this man has for learning the Dominant personae. The blog I’ve been exploring is A Dominant Character and is written by Sir J. I’d recommend you drop by and take a look at what a good piece of Dominant blogging looks like. These are rare; rare in the case that the posts are far more than just scene reports and pictures of their submissive. There is introspective look into the working mind of a Dominant. For that, I enjoy the reading.

On a recent post titled The behind the scenes work of being a Dominant he wrote about all the training and research that goes into being a good Dominant, from the reading and practice to the research of human anatomy, first aid training and other aspects of human relationships to preparation of scenes themselves. He puts a lot of thought into the scenes he plays out with his submissive ‘h’. From what I read, he finds ways to make them magical and fulfilling for both parties; something not easily done.

Understanding a Dominant character is a mystery to submissives everywhere. Just as we explore and come to an understanding with our submission, they too have to come to grips with their personality and character as well. Not all Dominants are successful at this, just as not all submissives can really connect with their surrender. Those that do, can talk about it with the comprehension that Sir J uses here.

In previous posts of his you can travel through his mind on fictional movie Dominants (Baron Von Trapp from Sound of Music), entitlement and balance as well as the spell of overwhelming submission and so much more. His character is one of honesty and openness with a bit of anonymity. It is intriguing and wonderful for a Dominant blog and certainly worth keeping tabs of this one.

You can subscribe to his blog via RSS or go to his blog address to follow him on Blogspot.

Do you have a blog that you love to read for its insight into D/s or M/s and would love to hear what I think about it? Send me an email and I will consider it.

How to Give Good Initial Interviews

When you first start talking to a potential Dominant you go through an initial interview. A lot of times this is just a period where basic questions are asked and your answers help the Dominant gauge just how interested you are in them, how compatible you are with them and what your intelligence level is. This isn’t the right time to say that you will do whatever they ask of you or to try to insinuate that you will worship them whenever they wish. Like a job interview you want to highlight your own talents and history.

A Dominant friend of mine once said that a pet peeve of hers was when she asked a submissive what they enjoy she gets, “Whatever mistress wants,” type of answers. Short one word answers are not appropriate either unless they are a yes or no question. She calles the submissives as ’subs without preferences.’  Initial interviews can be frustrating, but not just for the submissive. The Dominant has to wade through canned responses, one word answers and submissives who appear to have no preferences, no likes or dislikes of their own and no personality. Dominants don’t want a blow up doll, they want a human being. 

Show them who you are. Discuss your likes and dislikes. Tell them honestly what you like and don’t like, what your experience level is and even who you voted for in the last election. All of these things exhibit your intelligence and eagerness to get to know a Dominant before becoming their submissive. Discuss your limits, even if they seem commonplace. Be open about your inexperience or your lack of understanding about some things. Dominants are going to want to explain things to you if you become important to them. 

Be prepared to answer basic questions. Answer them fully and completely. Tell stories if it will enhance the point. Be yourself. There is no need to try to be the perfect submissive. No Dominant is going to assume you are perfect and none are. Each person has their own perferences. But you may be close to what they are looking for.

Use in-depth questions as a way to figure out what you want from the possible relationship also. Don’t give them the answers you think they are looking for. Keep those out of the conversation. I know Dominants will stop talking to submissives if they default to generic responses.

Don’t call them Sir or Ma’am or any other title within the first interview. Many of the Dominants I talk to want to get to know you first before assuming any sort of role to  you. Keep it civil, respectable and truthful. 

Use proper grammar and spell check your writing before sending it to them. (This of course isn’t the case with spoken or face-to-face interviews.) Show you aren’t lazy and are aware of proper writing rules. Leave third person speech and lower casing i/my out of the initial interview. It’s annoying to Dominants if they do not know you.

Lastly, dress nicely. Don’t let them tell you what to wear. You aren’t submitting to them, just interviewing.

This initial interview can be your best resume and perhaps you will earn a second interview. That is the goal after all, right?

Just Wait Till Your Father Gets Home: Telling Your Family

This post is from Norische. She allows anyone to post her articles anywhere they will do some good. I could not come up with a better way to say what she does in this article. Please enjoy and comment! I’d love to hear if you have told your family and how it went.

“So what are you, some kind of Satanist, or what?” This was one of the first things my sister said when she walked into my house.

It had been almost a year since I had seen my sister, she doesn’t live that far away but she has alwaysbeen a little on the judgmental side and so she and I have never truly been that close. She stopped by my house not long ago, no phone call, no warning, she just popped in for a visit…thankfully she didn’t have her two young sons with her. I am very open about my choices and my lifestyle, however I have never breached the subject with either of my sisters.

When you walk into my parlor/office the first thing you see is a wall of “toys”. Floggers, whips, paddles, and canes of all types, along with a large grouping of miscellaneous torture devices and implements of all types which decorate one half of the room. Of course chains, suspension devices, harnesses, and stirrups also embellish the archway to my dinning room. A leather-covered horse sitting right smack dab in the middle of the office also seems rather conspicuous as you walk into the room.

Normally I am very proud of my lifestyle choices and have no problem talking to anyone about the interesting and useful items that decorate my home. However, when my sister walked into my house I was literally at a loss for words.

To help you understand a little better, let me describe my sister a little to you. My sister and I are 16 months apart in age, I am the youngest. She is married and has been for several years; she was 24 yrs old before she went out on her first date. The first man she ever kissed is also the only man she has ever kissed, her husband. She lived with my parents until she moved in with her husband and his parents. She now has two young sons, ages 9 and 5. The have a nice little house in a nice little neighborhood and she is the picture of the perfect wife and strict mother. She is very active in her church and is a model of the average clean cut, straight-laced woman in her community.

When my sister first walked into my home I thought about how she would react, and then I worried if she would be offended and finally I wondered if she would even understand my lifestyle and the items in my home. Well to make it simple not only did she not understand the things that she saw but she also was completely clueless about what the BDSM lifestyle is truly about. At first she blushed and avoided looking at the floggers and whips, I could tell that she was very uncomfortable. I began to talk to her as I do with anyone; hoping that my openness would show her that there is nothing wrong or “sick” about the way I live my life. I also tried to help her understand the difference between the facts and myths about BDSM.

Myth:

All BDSM involves pain, or inflicting pain.

Fact:

There are several different types of Domination, some do indeed involve pain but others do not, it is a matter of choice in a relationship as to the addition or degree of pain included.

Myth:

BDSM is nothing more than kinky sex play.

Fact:

Sex may or may not be involved in a BDSM relationship; again it is a choice between those involved.

Myth:

BDSM is against God, or somehow Satanic in nature.

Fact:

There are several religions that use pain as a means of showing devotion, for centuries priest have beat themselves with sticks, whips and canes to show their sincerity to God. In many churches pleasure is viewed as the pathway to Hell, hence it has been summarized that pain must be the pathway to Heaven. From the Sun Dance of the Native Americans to the Flagellants of the Philippines pain has been viewed as a means of getting closer to God, not as a sin.

Myth:

BDSM is abuse.

Fact:

It is understood within the BDSM lifestyle that all activities must be consensual, even slavery. Before an individual can be a slave they must agree to the requirements, rules, and behaviors that are expected, before he or she is accepted as a slave. Once an arrangement is made, they seemingly loose the ability to say no, but this is untrue. Depending on the negotiations and the original contract the slave may be given certain rights or may wave those rights…but the fact is that the choice is theirs to accept the arrangements or to refuse. Safe, Sane and CONSENTUAL.

Myth:

BDSM is not normal.

Fact:

“Normal” is defined in many ways. Most people define normal as what is considered socially acceptable by the majority of the populous. If this is an accurate description then no one can be considered normal. Are Jews normal or are Christians normal? Are heterosexuals normal or are homosexuals normal? Are Native Americans the normal ones or is it the African Americans that are normal? Is it normal to be rich or poor? Is it normal to be married or divorced or single? Are you normal if you have a college degree or if you don’t have a high school diploma? Personally being “normal” is way over rated…I prefer to be unique, an individual.

After I spent my afternoon explaining my lifestyle to my sister, she began to understand a little about my life. However even with all the information I gave her, the last thing she stated to me was “Well if this is what you want then, I guess it is ok. I just want to let you know that I will not be bringing my kids over again.” With that she left and since then our communication has been limited to polite conversation. She hasn’t brought up our conversation again nor has she come back to visit.

I have never truly feared speaking to my family about my lifestyle nor have I ever avoided the subject or lied about my life…however, I have always known the reaction that I would encounter.

From my daughter I have had open acceptance, she was raised to accept all those that make the universe unique and wonderful. As she grew up she was slowly, and I stress the word slowly, exposed to alternative lifestyles. When she was 19 yrs old I felt she could understand enough about my lifestyle choices that I decided to get a slave. At first she didn’t know how to handle it, after they talked for a while she understood better and they became friends, and remained so even after his release. When we moved from Arkansas to Missouri I waited a couple of years and then got a submissive male as well as a male slave; my daughter began to understand the difference between the two. She honestly had no patience for the submissive but loved having my slave around. I never exposed my daughter to the S & M side of things but she was not ignorant either. It didn’t honestly shock me much when I found out she had bought a pony whip, the only thing that I wanted to know was she giving or receiving…I never asked, some things a mother just doesn’t need to know.

From my mother I had a confused understanding, she accepted the need for control and obedience but she could not understand the involvement of pain. My mother was a traditional Native American, our tribe is matriarchal…the women are in charge. I was raised by a strong woman, amongst strong women, and therefore the desire for control comes quite natural. She may have only been 4 foot 11 inches tall but it always seemed the whole world trembled at her command.

From my father I have been shunned, after my mother’s death my father remarried and the individual he married is a racist and a bigot. Since then his wife has seen to it that we no longer speak, nor am I allowed to go to my mother’s home.

From one sister I have been given a polite acknowledgement, simply put she is ok with my choices as long as they do not affect her or her family. Being Christian does not necessarily make one close-minded but it definitely narrows the realm of acceptance. Even though my sister goes to a more progressive church, she is still limited as to her interpretation of acceptable behaviors, and lifestyles.

From my other sister, perhaps some day I shall breach the subject, but not yet.

Do not fear what your family with think, or say, or even do. The only thing you should fear is ignorance. If someone does not accept your lifestyle that is ok, they have the right to their own opinions. If someone avoids associating with you because of choices that you have made, this too is a choice, it is their choice.

A slave I had in the past was faced with a horrible dilemma, lie to his family or admit his lifestyle choices and face the consequences. He refused to lie and when asked he explained his role in my house to his family. They threatened to have him committed, to take away his car (which they had paid for), to pull his college scholarship (which they had set up when he was a small child) and disown him. Rather than shame his family he asked to be released, I have not seen him since.

Pretending to be someone you are not is almost as difficult as trying to hide who you really are. Be proud of yourself, your choices, and your way of life. You do not need anyone’s approval, acceptance or understanding…it is a welcome gift that your family and friends can give to you but it is not necessary nor should it be expected.

As with everything this is my opinion, take what you will and leave the rest. If you wish to contact me, my email address is Norisch1@mchsi.com. If you wish to see more of my work you may find a complete listing of all my writings at…. http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Norisches_Quill/ in the files section.

Do You Answer When Submission Calls You?

There is no way to be sure but, the large majority of information about the D/s lifestyle is in fiction form. While it’s nice to escape into emotional and physical stories, they are fantasy. For submissives looking to get their feet wet, these stories could hinder or harm the very ideas that develop in the brain as far as how things really are. Fictional material leaves gaping holes in your understanding of submission and the D/s dynamic. The more experienced submissive will find BDSM fiction to be mostly useless and uninteresting. So many will say that it is nothing similar to what they do day after day for those they serve.

What we need to do is establish a visible understanding of what submission is like to those looking through the fantasy for the reality of it all. Submissive Guide does try to portray it with as little sugar-coating as possible. I look to people who experience things that I don’t for information that can benefit you. I write about topics that are timely and yet timeless. There will always be novice submissives, and I hope that Submissive Guide will always be there to lead them along the real path.

But what about you? Do you listen to your heart and that voice inside telling you what you should and could be doing? Is there a call to bend your knee to someone special? I’m not here to tell you that my submission is better than yours or that your submission is not as deep as mine is; I’m here to guide you to YOUR perfect submission.

Getting Started

There are tools and resources aplenty if you want to start out in D/s. There are even more access points if you enter a local munch group or social outing for BDSM practitioners.  Seek them out and feed your curiosity, don’t wait for them to come to you. Let your new life start now. Take that step.  Ask questions, lots of questions and not just to other people. I highly recommend talking to yourself about what you are learning. Many submissives do this in a journal, but as long as you are having these conversations you can develop your perceptions on submission. Submission is sensual and erotic, it is peaceful and loving but most of all it feels right when you found the mix that’s right for you.

So, look into the fiction that you hear about, The Story of O, The Beauty Trilogy, The Marketplace Series. I encourage you to read them all. See what fiction has created as far as the lifestyle and submission. What parts of it do you like and why? What would you like in your own submission? Just because something is written as fiction does not mean you can’t make it a part of your real submission.

Enhancing Your Spirit

Once you’ve found your path to submission it’s not time to relax and enjoy the ride, although you may be tempted. The most honorable submissives will tell you that what is valued more is a submissive willing to enhance their submission with new training, wider viewpoints, better understandings of nature, the world and the one they serve. Engage in polite debate with others about terms or ideas, generate opinions about different topics and be prepared to defend them. Create your personal submissive identity.

A submissive is not just a piece of property like a desk or a chair. A submissive improves with age, refines themselves, enriches the lives they touch. Much like a fine wine, although not kept on the shelf to collect dust and then once decanted is gone. The thirst for growth is infectious and innate in many submissives; some work hard for what they learn.

Answering The Call

So when you step foot into submission, don’t make it a passive affair. Engage your senses into your new life. Take charge of how you want your submission to grow and develop. Enhance your life with the talents you have, and try hard to use all of the passion and pleasure you can muster to not only make your Dominant happy, but yourself. Find that fulfillment.

In submission, you can find love… love for yourself. Answer that call.

A slave’s life is mostly composed of patience and study. Yes, study. If not with actual books, then following the example of greater, senior slaves. Or learning every nuance of their owner’s character, so that they can more completely and seamlessly offer themselves at the right time and in the right manner. — Laura Antoniou

photo by Dawn Ashley

All Female Submissives are Bisexual and Other BDSM Myths

The world is full of false truths. These false truths tend to be the assumptions of the uninformed or the beliefs of those who want to scare novices out of their wits. Many of these are because of a narrow view of the world or an inability to accept varying viewpoints. In this post I’m going to discuss some of the most popular BDSM myths that novices here and what the truth really is.

What is a myth? A myth is a traditional story accepted as history or truth and serves to explain the world view of a people. In this case the people are BDSM practitioners. We all like to tell tales and share advice, but what if that advice has a false truth in it? Are you willing to pass on possible false information or do you want to get all the facts first before saying anything.

All Female Submissives are Bisexual

A common belief is that all submissives, and especially females are bisexual or forced into bisexuality because of the Dominant’s wishes. The truth is that respectful Dominants will comply with your sexual orientation and if it does not include being bisexual, then there should be no forced suggestion either.

All Dominants Want More Than One Submissive

Dominants are human too, and looking for a long term relationship is hard enough, let alone two or more.  There is a large percentage of Dominants that are fine with one submissive and never seek to expand their life. There are, however, people interested in polyamory and having more than one love is normal and accepted to them. You do not have to be in a polyamorous relationship if you do not want to. This is part of your wiring and either you like it or you don’t. There are also online Dominants that will have several online submissives, leading them to believe they are the one and only. These people are predators.

All Submissives are Masochists and All Masochists are Submissives

A huge misunderstanding is that you have to like pain to be submissive. Masochism is a part of your sexual identity; you either have it or you don’t. No one can make you like pain, but you can learn to accept pain for you Dominant if that is your wish. Doing so does not make you a masochist. Masochists come in all forms, the majority are submissive, however I know several Dominants that like pain as well, and instruct their submissive to give them pain during play. Switches are known to like both, but that isn’t always the case.

Slaves Are Better Submissives or Slaves Have a Deeper Submission

No group of people is better than another and no individual can be compared to another equally. We are all unique in our submission and no matter what label we choose for ourselves we can live to be the best we can be for ourselves and our Dominants. Slaves are another form of submission but that doesn’t mean they are better. I believe that all slaves are submissive but not all submissives can be slaves. It’s not a deeper submission, just a different path.

Myths are everywhere in the BDSM lifestyle. These are but a few of the most common ones. What myths can you think of?

I’m sure there will be more installments to this post as more myths come in. If you’d like to send me your common myth ideas, please do so by the contact page at the top.

Am I Normal? Exploring Normalcy in BDSM Relationships

One of the first questions a new submissive asks themselves is are they normal for desiring the things they do. This could be kinky sex, humiliation or service. Anything that appears to fall outside the vanilla umbrella can cause a novice to question if they are normal. This in fact, is normal.

Everyone questions themselves at one time or another. I’ve questioned myself many times. Each time I come out with a better understanding of myself and what I want in life. There is no reason to be afraid of new and different things. You may find that these things are worth your attention and could fulfill you in ways you never though possible.

For example, even if you never thought you’d explore bondage you one day had the desire to see what it was all about. There is nothing wrong with trying it out to see what feelings and sensations there were. If you find you love it, then that’s just one more thing to learn all you can about and have fun with it. If you find there isn’t really a strong pull towards it you can chalk it on the no thank you list. Either way, it’s normal and human to explore things that are different and foreign.

What about things that could be dangerous or involve risks? Does this mean you are a risky person? Not really. Everything you do has risks, even driving to the corner store could end in a deadly accident. Just because there are risks involved doesn’t mean you should shelter your desires.

So what is normal? How can it be defined in a BDSM context? Not very easily, in fact. Normal is different for each person. Everyone’s idea of normal fluctuates and changes during their lives. So your idea of normal now won’t be the same 5 years or even 5 months from now.

The uncomfortable feelings you experience when everything is still brand new have nothing to do with normalcy but with acceptance. When you accept your feelings as normal then you will feel normal. Thousands of people all over the world are exploring new and exciting things all the time. Join the fun!

Photo credit by Stryker W@SP

Review: Screw the Roses, Send Me the Thorns

If you’ve been around the BDSM and D/s scene at all there is one of many books that always comes up in conversation as a good book to read when you are new to the whole lifestyle. This book is Screw the Roses, Send Me the Thorns: The Romance and Sexual Sorcery of Sadomasochism by Philip Miller and Molly Devon. It comes as recommended reading for anyone curious about BDSM and want a primer for what SM is all about. This was the first book I purchased when I as first learning and is still the go to guide for helping me explain to novices certain aspects of safety, and loving play that I may not have the right words for.

This book is written in the male Dominant / female submissive interactions, but it’s easily translatable into valuable advice for any relationship configuration.  “Screw the Roses enthusiastically covers all the basics and even some of the not-so-basics–bondage, negotiation, sex, endorphins, dominance and submission, toys, safety, S/M community, and beyond.” –Cheryl Trooskin

The first few chapters are dedicated to introducing the basics, safety and recognizing abuse in BDSM relationships. The information is provided in  a clear and concise manner that even the most novice of users can understand and get on board with. The book ascribes to Safe, Sane and Conensual form of safety which I also recommend for new explorers into BDSM. It’s a great help for further into the book that these terms are defined so that understanding comes easier.

Once the basics are down the Philip and Molly take you into relationships. How to find a partner, exploring the roles and basic etiquette are the bulk of these chapters. I love that etiquette is covered as so many seem to forget their manners once they enter into a kinky relationship. Lewd is rude, no matter the situation. You can pick up information on negotiation and setting limits. There is also an interesting chart for the different roles.

The bulk of the book is dedicated to teaching safe basic technique. You can pick up information on bondage and other forms of play with detailed explanations. There is also a few chapters on flogging and impact play for those looking to dive right into the fun stuff. This area is not only good for the novice, but an experienced player could pick up a few tips and tricks. This is definitely a book that should be in every BDSM library.

Near the end the authors cover endorphins and subpace as well as the psychological effects of play.Mindfucks, forced exhibitionism, verbal abuse, and public play are not for everyone and play that involves a person’s mind and emotions can be dangerous and should be explored slowly and consensually.

No primer would be complete without a glimpse into the dungeon equipment and tools that are used during a kinky encounter. There is also an appendix to stores, support groups and communities that can help the newcomer step out into the world. The photos are a nice touch and help to display what Philip and Molly are talking about throughout the book.  It has an excellent table of contents to find things quickly and a useful appendix for things to help anyone get started.

All in all, there is no wonder why so many people recommend this book as one of the first books for someone just starting out in BDSM. It has everything you could wish for in a complete overview of BDSM book.

Product Details

• Paperback: 277 pages
• Publisher: Mystic Rose Books; 1st ed edition (July 1, 1988)
• Language: English
• ISBN-10: 0964596008
• luna’s Rating: 9/10

Buy Screw the Roses, Send Me the Thorns: The Romance and Sexual Sorcery of Sadomasochism

Helping Your Partner Become More Dominant

The second question I received for March question month came to me in my email.

I’m a strong person, but something in me was missing…until i admitted what i really am. I’m engaged, i love my boyfriend very much, but I decided to open my heart to him and he’s really doing his best to understand my need to surrender, my need to submit. I don’t take the topic lightly, and nor does he…but after 4 years together, I sometimes think it’s difficult…I don’t want to lose him, and i think he’s really changing. But…how can we “direct” our changings the right way? I’ve always been the strongest one in my relationships. He isn’t weak, but very calm and he has always set me “free”…too much, if i have to say the truth. I hope it makes sense…he’s understanding, we are talking about it a lot…but i need some extra advice. I don’t want to confuse him even more…

The good part from your letter was that your boyfriend is trying. That’s all it takes to begin learning and exploring. Do you talk about how you’d like to be less free? Do discussions happen away from the bedroom activities? The reason I ask is that no matter what advice I give you here you need to share all of your thoughts with your boyfriend.

Changing has to be done at his speed. If he really is changing as you say then you have to be patient and enjoy the ride. To direct your learning, I’d recommend buy a few books about D/s, join a few social forums to start finding talk points. Then get offline and away from the books and talk to each other.

Practice it for short periods, a few hours to a few days. Test the waters with something more intense than you want to do for real and see if you both fall into roles at all. Are you able to let go and is he able to take up the reigns? Make it fun, explore new things and you just might find they way for you.

Do you both have the same idea of what you’d like to try to do? Are you looking to be a service submissive or a sexual submissive? Does he want someone to do all the housework or serve his every need? Find out what each of your wants and needs from each other.

The bottom line is that you can’t make someone change if they aren’t willing to. You can’t make someone something they aren’t. If your partner isn’t dominant or can’t be as dominant that you want then it just isn’t going to happen. You have to be prepared to make that choice.

Anyone else have suggestions for this person?

photo credit TLA8

Real Life vs. Online, the Battle for Understanding

“What one has not experienced, one will never understand in print.” -Isadora Duncan

I began my journey into D/s and BDSM in online chat rooms; namely those on IRC (BDSM-Net and Bondage.com). I knew nothing of what the lifestyle would be for me, only the fantasy that I lived when I got home from class or work; it was a retreat from the everyday hardship that I was living with. I felt the control release and the pleasure of making someone else happy. I loved the creative talent it afforded me in my poetry and writing, the scenes I participated in. It became an art. I fell in love with the fantasy of it. Even when I accepted an online collar I thought that there was no way I could really love this in real. The activities I participated in, the rules I followed, the tasks assigned to me all seemed a part of the fantasy.

I didn’t understand why those that were ‘real’ shunned the way I behaved and looked down on my personae as one that would be trapped in online play for all my life. I didn’t understand what they were talking about when they talked about service and hardship in surrender, about the pleasure of being there for their owner, about serving and the pride in the words, “good girl”. I never understood the reality of what I was playing in.

Until one day I started asking a lot of important questions of myself. I wanted to experience the SM for real. I wanted to be tied up and see what the draw to my pleasure senses was. I wanted to know what it was like to kneel and serve someone. I wanted to hear “good girl” for something I had done. Was it going to remain fantasy? I seriously didn’t know. I thought that maybe it would just lead to kinky sex and I was okay with that also. I really didn’t know what I wanted nor could I have imagined that my life would be as it is now or where it will be in years to come. My surrender was not easy and there are parts of it that I still cling to; a part of my independence that Master is allowing me to hang on to.

I’ve known submissives that can only experience online or long-distance relationships(LDR). I do not shun them as I was shunned. I know the desire and the pull to live it in any form you can. I was lucky, I guess, and left my husband to explore the part of me drawn to BDSM, the service and surrender specifically.  I’ve been able to embrace the relationship I am in and am so very thankful for the role I played online to test the waters.

Online is no substitute and you can’t learn all that there is to know about living this life from essays and forums. You have to experience it to truly know. Every journey is different but I am grateful for my online VT beginnings. Without them I would not have met my Master. Now we live happily together.

But even now I can’t see how to explain how my life is to someone online. I don’t know how to put my service to him in words that someone with no experience or ability to experience would understand. I don’t think words like that really exist.

What do you think? Can you express what it is you do for service to someone who only knows online D/s and have them really understand?