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Add Your Reading List to Your Training Resume
August 12, 2009 by lunaKM
Filed under Training Resume
Since the beginning of Submissive Guide I have been writing essays to help you build your service/submissive/slave resume. This is the living document of your experience and training on different tasks and a variety of relationships. If you are interested in reading the previous posts about the Training Resume I suggest you start at the topic index.
Today we are going to compile a list of the books you have read during your service that are a part of your growth and learning. The importance of this list is not only to show a potential Dominant that you are well read, but that you have a personal desire to work on improving yourself, learning a wide range of viewpoints and opinions and learn about BDSM activities of all sorts.
Gather Your Books
Pull together all the books you’ve read on BDSM, specific service items and other self help resources that you have read completely. These books can be basic relationship self help, etiquette, green cleaning and simple living, How-to books, and so much more. Let your mind explore your entire library and figure out how that could apply to a BDSM service relationship. You might be surprised.
Magazines and Newspapers
Although a bit more rare or pricey, you can find excellent magazines and even newspaper articles that might help you with building a reference library for your service experience and development as a person. Perhaps you have a subscription to a gardening magazine, home repair or fine dining journal. These things can be wonderful resources for your service life. Be creative and look for learning opportunities everywhere you go.
Online Sources
Don’t forget online newsletters and blogs that you are subscribed to! Even SubmissiveGuide.com can be a great resource to list on your reading list if you read it regularly and learn from it. Make note of the posts or articles that you enjoyed the most and the URL if there is one.
General Essay websites are great too, but make sure you keep a list of articles that you have read on each one so that it isn’t assumed that you have read the entire site.
How to Make the List
For books, make a list of the titles, authors, publication dates and a synopsis of the book. Online resources need to have the name of the site, the URL, the date you last accessed it and the site owner with a way to contact them if you can find one. You can also spend time writing personal reviews of the book or essay with what you took from it and made your own.
For example, I just read SlaveCraft and reviewed it on this blog. I can add that book to my service resume in the Reading List area. My entry would look something like this:
SlaveCraft: Roadmaps for Erotic Servitude, principles, skills and tools by a grateful slave with Guy Baldwin, M.S.
Daedalus Publishing Company (April 2002)
The author writes for the submissive or slave who may already have experience and thus understand the skills and tools that will help deepen their surrender. His four principles that he describes in detail are Identity, Obedience, Transparency and Humility. Each one is artfully discussed so that while you may be walking in his world of surrender you can apply them to your own service quite easily.
Making this list now will help you in the future too when you try to remember where you read that fantastic book or essay that you’d like to refer to, or share with a friend. The importance of a list like this can help you in more ways that just your resume.
What else would you list on your reading list? Would it be beneficial to list books and articles that you want to read in the future or have an interest in?
Cyber Submission and Exploring D/s Online
May 21, 2009 by Guest Author
Filed under Online Submission
Today’s post comes from Skylerpet, a submissive pet in a D/s relationship with experience in online submission. Thank you Skylerpet!
Online D/s is perhaps one of the most controversial subjects in the Dominance and submission community. The stance i will take on this subject, based on online D/s relationships of my own, is that yes; it can and does work. Is it anything like real time, face-to-face Dominance and submission relationships? No, not at all. That said, it is still very real and intense for those of us in online or Long Distance Relationships (LDR), and often can and will lead to a real-time (RT) relationship.
In my opinion, the most important thing to remember here is safety. There are a few things you can do to keep yourself safer while in an online relationship, or looking for someone to begin a relationship with online:
- First and foremost do not, under any circumstances, give out your home address before you have really gotten to know this person. Wait a few weeks, or even a few months. While in the end you must use your own judgment, if you have any “red flags” about the person you are chatting with do not give out personal information.
- If you and your online partner really want to exchange things via “snail mail” but you still do not want to give out your home address, get a post office box.
- Along the same lines as not giving out your home address, do not give out other important information such as your social social security number, debit/credit card pin numbers and so forth. These things may happen once you are in a stable, secure, full-time real time relationship, but until then keep these things to yourself.
- If the person you are chatting with asks for your home address after a few days and you decline, they should respect that, they should say they respect that, and then they should leave it alone. If they do not, that is a big red flag for you. Reconsider this relationship!
- One other thing you must think hard about is exchanging photos of yourself. This is especially important if the photos are nude, fetish or kinky. Once a photo is on the internet, you no longer have control over who sees it. You must take into consideration what would happen if family, friends and/or co-workers found naked and/or kinky photos of you. And also please keep in mind, while you may simply be emailing the photos, once the recipient has them, s/he may do with them as they please. If you are going to be “free” with your photos, you must be able to accept and cope with other’s seeing them, and the possibility of them being posted online. These also applies to webcam usage. It’s very easy to download a program that can capture what the user is looking at on their computer screen. This can include the webcam video of you doing whatever it is you are doing for your online D/s partner. These can be saved, and then uploaded to many websites.
Alright, safety aside, perhaps the most commonly asked question is “Why online??” “Why LDR??” Well, the answer is different for everybody. I will go over a few of the answers here.
- First many of us enter online and/or ldr’s because we are in a community with a small to no D/s presence. This is the primary reason for me being in an online/ldr right now. The community i live in is quite conservative and the local BDSM community is incredibly small and quite frankly not safe in my opinion. As such, i am choosing to be in a long distance relationship with my Master until i can be closer to Him.
- Secondly, many online D/s’ers do so because they are in other relationships, perhaps even married and use the online D/s relationship to get their Dominance and submission needs fulfilled. And so long as the Dominant or submissive is fully honest with all of their partners, can be quite successful. If this is you, i urge you to be honest with your real time partner. While there often is no sex involved, it is still another relationship and in my opinion, you owe it to your real time partner to be honest about those needs and how you are getting them fulfilled. And you also owe it to your Dom or sub that you have another relationship.
- Another reason is that some use an online D/s relationship to learn more about Dominance and submission. To see if it’s something that they may be interested in for a real time experience. While i do agree that it is nothing like the real time thing, there are many similarities, which i will go into shortly, and can be a good primer to see if something more intense would be a right fit for that individual.
- A fourth reason is that the person simply does not want the real time thing. They want the, for lack of better words, pseudo- or watered-down version of a Dominance and submission relationship that an online relationship can provide. My opinion of this is: whatever makes them happy. If that’s how they get their needs fulfilled, the all the more power to them.
Now that we have the “why’s” aside i am sure you are wondering “HOW??” “How is it done??” Well, there are several ways.
- When it comes to giving tasks, orders and controlling the submissive’s life, orders can be given in many ways. Please remember the safety talk above. Most of these will come after you have established the trust with your partner:
- A favorite of mine is text messages. I love that Master has the ability to text me an order. How does He know i did it though? Well that is…
- Photos. You can take photos of your completed task and picture mail them to your Master. (i must say this is my favorite thing to do for Master…especially when it’s a surprise. This is something you real-timers can do to! Surprise your Master with a photo of you doing something He just loves) You could also take photos with a digital camera and upload them then email them to Him as “proof.”
- Webcam. While you are chatting online you can turn on your webcam and your Master can watch you actually perform the task.
- Simple honesty. There are some things where you will only be able to answer questions about after you have done it. As such, if you are unable to provide an apt description, your partner will know you didn’t do it.
- Online calendars and email reminders. This can be handy if your Dom wants to randomly give you tasks for the week/month. I’m quite fond of Yahoo’s calendar system for this. The tasks can be set into the program and it sends you a reminder email. Another nice thing about it is you can program in your work schedule so your Dom knows when you’re at work and can thus alter the tasks to fit a work environment.
- Daily emails and/or blogs. Master wants me to do daily blogs as a way to “keep up” with how i am doing, etc. This can also be a way for your Dom to know what you do during your day, etc. Another thing this is good for is writing “reports” or “essays” for your Dom that S/He assigns you. I’ve seen both real-time and ldr couples doing this, and i myself quite love it.
- Self bondage and other self-induced bdsm play. For this please keep in mind bdsm safety. But, many things you can do is under-the-clothes bondage, using things such as pleasure (ben-wa) balls, and/or anal beads under your clothes at work and/or simple breast bondage. With this you’re limited to things you can do to yourself, but it’s still fun and it’s getting a little of the “kink” in your life.
Well that’s a pretty basic, partially detailed description of how we do online/ldr D/s relationships. I would like to mention that i’m sure you’ve noticed i used “real time” instead of “real life.” The reason i did this is because for those of us in online/ldr D/s relationships, they are very real to us. They simply are not face to face as live-in relationships are. While i am not living with Master right now and am, in my opinion, way too far away from Him right now, He gives me orders and i follow them as i would if i were living with Him. The orders may be altered a bit, but they are still there. The feelings i have for Him are just as real as if O/our relationship were face to face.
Many times those of us in long distance D/s relationships, we are in them because of circumstances beyond our control. I honestly was not looking when i met Master, but it just sort of took off from there. The emotions, desires and feelings, while different than in real time, are still there and are still incredibly intense. One last word about safety:
- Beware predators. Many people out there use the internet as a tool for their own pleasure, and nothing else. Someone who has contacted you because they truly wish to get to know you better is incredibly unlikely to ‘order’ you to undress on the webcam and perform some bdsm act. This is a huge red flag. As are other ’standard’ bdsm and D/s red flags:
- ‘Ordering’ you to call them Master, Mistress, Sir before the relationship is established and those titles have been “earned.”
- Similarly, calling you “slave” and other submissive pet names before the dynamics have been established.
- Expecting you to immediately act submissive simply on the grounds you are submissive and s/he is Dominant.
- Also, beware those who have other relationships and are not honest about them. If they are unwilling to be honest with their husband/wife/main slave/what-have-you, what are the chances they will be honest with you?
All these safety precautions aside, the internet is a wonderful tool for meeting people. I and many others have met their Masters/slaves on it. If you are safety conscious while being honest and true to yourself, you’d be surprised what can come of it.
Skylerpet is a 24/7 submissive pup in her late 20’s. She has been into pet play since she discovered the D/s lifestyle and can be reached at: requiemskye@yahoo.com for emails and also YIM chat.
Etiquette at Play Parties
May 11, 2009 by lunaKM
Filed under BDSM Basics, Playtime
Each social situation we expose ourselves to has it’s own set of rules and behaviors. This is also true of BDSM events, perhaps even moreso. A play party will have different rules at each location you may attend one. There will be established rules as well as house/location rules. There are also unspoken rules that many relationships have in place. Let’s cover some of each category.
Established Rules
- Have a safeword or use the party safeword. If your word is different than the one set up for the party, let the Dungeon Monitors know before you play so that they can monitor for your chosen word.
- If extreme or edge play is planned, speak to the Dungeon Monitor to see if it is allowed to happen and so that they can be prepared.
- What goes on here, stays here. This one is a bit self explanatory but many new players violate this rule the first time out. You are free to talk about what happened to you, but not who with or anything else in specifics. Most groups will say you can describe what you saw in generalities (ie. “I saw this awesome fireplay scene last night!”) but better to be safe than sorry. Even identifying people who were there can be a no-no.
- No photography. This this can be restricted to cameras only or include cell phones. For discretion sake, just leave your cell phone with your possessions.
- Read the posted rules for any specific rules to that play party. They are there for your protection and safety.
House Rules
If a party is held at someone’s house, and a lot of times it is there are also house rules to follow. Examples include:
- No nudity except in designated play areas.
- No play except in designated areas.
- Don’t open doors, these rooms are off limits.
- Smoking allowed in these areas.
- Alcohol rules may fluctuate depending on the type of party.
- Sexual play may fluctuate depending on the type of party.
Unspoken Rules
These rules can be hard to know, and manytimes people learn these after breaking them, especially if you are new. Take head to these unspoken rules.
- Do not touch. Anything. Persons, toys or other people’s equipment is theirs. Submissives may not be allowed to interact with others without the Dominant’s permission. Don’t assume that a submissive is ignoring you, they may not be allowed to speak. If in doubt, talk to the Dominant.
- Play is concensual and optional. You do not have to play at a party, but if you do make sure that you both agree on what you want done.
- Uncollared submissives are not required to call all Dominants Sir/Ma’am. This goes for all over, but especially where group protocol feels heavier. You are a respectable invidual first, submissive second. I believe that respect and titles are earned. (This was until I was instructed to call all Dominant’s Sir/Ma’am by my Master.)
What other rules should I include here? Any advice you would give novices as to their first play party?
All Female Submissives are Bisexual and Other BDSM Myths
May 9, 2009 by lunaKM
Filed under BDSM Basics
The world is full of false truths. These false truths tend to be the assumptions of the uninformed or the beliefs of those who want to scare novices out of their wits. Many of these are because of a narrow view of the world or an inability to accept varying viewpoints. In this post I’m going to discuss some of the most popular BDSM myths that novices here and what the truth really is.
What is a myth? A myth is a traditional story accepted as history or truth and serves to explain the world view of a people. In this case the people are BDSM practitioners. We all like to tell tales and share advice, but what if that advice has a false truth in it? Are you willing to pass on possible false information or do you want to get all the facts first before saying anything.
All Female Submissives are Bisexual
A common belief is that all submissives, and especially females are bisexual or forced into bisexuality because of the Dominant’s wishes. The truth is that respectful Dominants will comply with your sexual orientation and if it does not include being bisexual, then there should be no forced suggestion either.
All Dominants Want More Than One Submissive
Dominants are human too, and looking for a long term relationship is hard enough, let alone two or more. There is a large percentage of Dominants that are fine with one submissive and never seek to expand their life. There are, however, people interested in polyamory and having more than one love is normal and accepted to them. You do not have to be in a polyamorous relationship if you do not want to. This is part of your wiring and either you like it or you don’t. There are also online Dominants that will have several online submissives, leading them to believe they are the one and only. These people are predators.
All Submissives are Masochists and All Masochists are Submissives
A huge misunderstanding is that you have to like pain to be submissive. Masochism is a part of your sexual identity; you either have it or you don’t. No one can make you like pain, but you can learn to accept pain for you Dominant if that is your wish. Doing so does not make you a masochist. Masochists come in all forms, the majority are submissive, however I know several Dominants that like pain as well, and instruct their submissive to give them pain during play. Switches are known to like both, but that isn’t always the case.
Slaves Are Better Submissives or Slaves Have a Deeper Submission
No group of people is better than another and no individual can be compared to another equally. We are all unique in our submission and no matter what label we choose for ourselves we can live to be the best we can be for ourselves and our Dominants. Slaves are another form of submission but that doesn’t mean they are better. I believe that all slaves are submissive but not all submissives can be slaves. It’s not a deeper submission, just a different path.
Myths are everywhere in the BDSM lifestyle. These are but a few of the most common ones. What myths can you think of?
I’m sure there will be more installments to this post as more myths come in. If you’d like to send me your common myth ideas, please do so by the contact page at the top.
Copyright Policy
March 23, 2009 by lunaKM
Filed under Defining Submission
Copyright Submissive Guide - Some Rights Res
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Usage With Permission: Any of the above conditions can be waived if you get permission from the copyright holder. For any reuse or distribution of the content with permission, you must make clear to others the license terms of this work. The best way to do this is with a link to Submissive Guide and the original article.- US Copyright Law: US Copyright Law protects this site’s content above and beyond the license by the Creative Commons.
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The Differences Between Bottom, Masochist, Submissive and Slave
January 19, 2009 by lunaKM
Filed under Defining Submission
As a point of personal opinion I’d like to define the differences between very basic terms so that there is no confusion as to who I am referring to when I mention either of these terms. I write this guide in my perspective and provide my mentorship and guidance with these terms clearly defined for me. I welcome varying viewpoints in the comments so please feel free to disagree civilly and provide your own view.
There are several other names that can be ‘classed’ for the submissive role in a relationship. The ones I’m covering here are the basics. I am well aware of toys, pets, sluts, servants and many many other names. Please do not feel that I am not leaving you out, but for the sake of clarity and simplicity I am covering only Bottom, Masochist, Submissive and Slave.
Bottom
A bottom is the lower role within a play session. Generally the person does not submit outside of the agreed upon time that both parties are enjoying the physical aspects of play. Bottoms have more control over what happens in the scene than other submissive types.
Masochist
A masochist is someone who likes to receive pain for pleasure. They can be the bottom in a scene but the reason I gave it a separate designation is that there are Dominant roles that are also masochist.
Submissive
A submissive is someone that submits in a relationship either part of full-time. This can involve only in the bedroom play all the way to live-in service. A submissive generally submits only to those they are in a D/s relationship with and are respectful of others outside of it. A submissive has roles and rules and structure to guide their interactions with their Dominant and with others. Most of the time they still hold a veto card called the safeword.
Slave
A slave is a separate form of submissive. They hold no limits other than what their Masters give them. They can not refuse service to their Dominant. The argument has been going on since the beginning of time about the real differences and so I’d like to set up right here what I believe so that you can understand where I am coming from when discussions happen on this site. A slave is on a deeper more intense level of service than any submissive could work up to. If someone says they were submissive and became a slave, it is because they were always a slave and are now finally identifying as that. Becoming a slave is re-identifying yourself, not just a progression but an intensification of submission.
Feel free to share your thoughts in the comments! What name to do you rest well under?
photo credit honeyjew
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