What NOT to Share on Your Online Profile

This video post is about what not to share on your online profile.

We all have one somewhere. FetLife being all the rage right now, but also we have alt.com, collarme.com, bondage.com and others where we place ads and identity profiles up to get people interested. This interest can be friends or relationship related; it doesn’t matter. What does matter is what we broadcast to everyone that happens across our profiles. You need to keep some things secure and really consider what’s necessary to put out into the World Wide Web.

What’s Safe?

Nothing you place online is safe. Anyone can find you and use what you put online to harm you in some way. Take for instance a rather vanilla picture of yourself on an adult site. It could be used against you in your job or other social engagements. Just the knowledge alone that you are present on a site like FetLife or CollarMe could get you fired. Your ex could use it against you to gain custody of your children. Anything is possible.

The idea that because you have to log into the service means that every word you write or photo you share behind that security feature means you are safe. This is far from true. Too many people rely heavily on the false sense of security that a log in screen provides. Think about it this way; how easy was it for you to create a profile? A predator or someone you don’t want to find you will find it a breeze.

Top 8 Online Safety Tips

Photos

If you share photos of yourself, even if you head and identifying features are cut out; be prepared to find them elsewhere online. So many people online just don’t care if they don’t own the rights to the photo, others like to increase their personal stash of porn, and others still want to earn money on your shared ‘free’ content. It takes all kinds. So, before you share a photo, consider if you want it on the internet. Don’t limit your mental scope to the site you are placing it, but all over the internet.

• Pictures Share You With The World
• Dangers of Online Photos

Personal Information

Other than the basic profile information, I’d keep your life pretty vague if you don’t want to be found by others you may know in another sphere of your life. Leave relationship, family and work details out of profiles. Never share information about your children.

Think about it this way, put on your profile only what you wouldn’t have a problem telling someone face to face that you don’t know. Because you know, that’s just it. Strangers are reading your profile and looking at those pictures before they know you… really know you.

Sure it sounds counter productive for a dating site, but protecting yourself should come first. Besides, emails and site mailing systems are slightly safer for sharing a bit more about yourself. Granted, these too can be abused, so be careful.

Some of you may be saying, “Well sure lunaKM, but I’ve seen your profile here or there and you share a lot about yourself including unaltered photos. Practice what you preach!

Let me tell you; I have no job outside the home, no friends or tech-saavy family that do not know and have nothing to loose if someone sees me or learns about me. I’m a unique case. I’m not saying that some of you aren’t either. I’ve given all of my profiles a look over and am happy with what is shared. That’s all that matters.

How Much Information is Too Much?

I Challenge You

Today I challenge you to go through your profiles and reconsider some of the information you have shared. Rip out what could put you in some form of danger or get you recognized by someone you’d rather stay incognito with. If you aren’t using a profile; delete it completely.

SubWise #6: Myth Busting

Last week I asked you to talk all about BDSM Myths. Here are the submissions I received. There is some excellent thoughts here folks! Check it out. Make sure you leave comments!

(Participants, repost the link list within a week and you’re all set.)

pet’s journey

BDSM is Love

The conversation isn’t over. If you would like to share your advice, please do so in the comments!

Exploring Impact Play: A Variety of Pleasures

This is a guest post by bgtreasure for the BDSM Play Feature Series here on Submissive Guide.

I choose this topic to write about because it is my favorite form of play and has been since I’ve found this wonderful thing we call “The Lifestyle”.

The general definition of Impact Play that you will find in BDSM dictionaries:  Impact Play: Often referred to as edgy. The action is the same as paddling or spanking but done with the intent to cause deep tissue bruising. A bruise that is very painful and may take very long to heal.

So with the intent to cause deep tissue bruising which is something that I don’t really pay attention to it’s the more intense pounding and beating that gets me off.  I tend not bruise easily if at all.  I do consider this as a part of play that is edge play because serious damage could be done if it is not done correctly or without care for your partner.  I do however love when I do bruise and can feel it for the rest of the week and see the fruits of Sir’s labor.

Some instruments used for Impact Play are hands and fists, kicking, floggers and paddles which are of course used in various other forms of play but it is the intensity when using them that makes it Impact Play.  In my play it’s a steady rhythmic beating, building and building and intensifying as we go on.

When playing and going into this arena of play I find that I have to have a period of time to get my head straight with my partner, relaxing into him, relaxing my breathing and focusing on him before we start to play and we tend to build up rather than go full force out and out from the beginning.  Sir increases and decreases depending on where he knows that I am at and then pushes it to the level he wants me to be at.

I think the fact that I have to have a very special connection with my partner in order to go this far.  In my current relationship I believe our connection is so deep that he has taken me further then I have ever been and the experience each time after we first started playing has placed me in such a deep subspace that I literally can be beaten with any instrument and I just float, I feel as though I am on top of the world looking down at my body and my partner with a smile on my face swaying to some tune that is playing in my head.  Everything else drops away as each strike comes and becomes an expression of ecstasy.

Impact Play is generally the only type play (other than physically touching the genital area) that can make me come.  Again I think this comes because of our connection and that we can play so deeply and that he is in tune with my body but it sets off a reaction that somewhere deep in my mind that says this is hot, this is delicious, this makes you wet it’s time for you to come.  At first I thought it was a fluke because it’s not easy to make me come but as we continue to play more and specifically when he uses his hands as the instrument of torture I usually come and more than once.

Impact play for me is very freeing sometimes it’s like a very intense full body massage breaking the stress of the day, the week, the month.  I personally prefer when Sir uses his hands it makes it so much more personal and I believe strengthens our connection, however floggers and paddles can take me there as well.

bgtreasure is cofounder and conference organizer of Black BEAT Inc. (www.blackbeatinc.org), and cofounder of BESS (Baltimore Educational and Social Society). Bgtreasure has been involved in the BDSM lifestyle for over 9 years and has held various positions with other groups. Meeting people from all over and watching them share with others has truly been an eye opener for her. One of her proudest moments was (Black BEAT) winning the 2006 Pantheons Award for Small Event of the Year, and being nominated herself for the Pantheon regional award.  She enjoys networking with others and helping those new to the lifestyle. A submissive that enjoys many different aspects of this lifestyle, she is owned by Sir Mystical. Black BEAT is home for BG, her lifestyle accomplishments are commendable. She is also host along with Lady Z of Black BEAT’s Maryland Headquarters Munch Group.

She can be reached at bgtreasure@yahoo.com and on Yahoo and AIM messengers  and on fetlife under bgtreasure.

Photo by Luiza

Exploring BDSM in a Guest Post Feature Series

To herald in the New Year I have been able to collect guest posts from some of the best voices in submission to share with you what it’s like to explore and experience their favorite play activities. Over the next few weeks we will learn about flogging and caning, rope bondage and fire play and more!

If you have a favorite play activity and you’d like to share with the readers what it’s like, please let me know!

You have until January 18th to get me your contributions.

Are you an avid fan of a particular play activity? Would you write a short post about what you experience during the play time; from how it feels, how you respond, what it does to you emotionally and recovery. Sorry, no Dominant posts!

Some ideas for posts:

Spanking,  metal bondage, orgasm denial or come on command, watersports, play piercing/needle play, humiliation, adult babies and so much more. The sky is the limit.

Here’s what I need from you if you want to help:

• Send me an email (subguide@gmail.com) and let me know you want to write a post about _______ topic.
• Write the post. (At least 500 words and the submissive point of view)
• Write a 3-5 sentence bio with at least one way for people to find you online.
• Send me the finished post! I’ll review it and let you know when it will be posted.
• Enjoy the fame when it shows up on the blog!

SubWise #5: A Year’s Reflection

Last week I asked you to talk about your reflections on the year and your progress with submission. Here are the submissions I received. There is some excellent advice here folks! Check it out. Make sure you leave comments!

(Participants, repost the link list within a week and you’re all set.)

Decorating Master’s Sofa

lunaKM

pet’s journey

The conversation isn’t over. If you would like to share your advice, please do so in the comments!

The Ins and Outs of Fetishes

“I have a fetish for wool socks, I just love them!”

“I have a fetish for corsets, I can’t get off without thinking of them!”

One of these statements is a sure sign of a fetish; the other is a misuse of the term. Sure this is a poor example. How many times have you heard a  phrase like the first one in everyday speech? Not long ago the idea of having a fetish was taboo and now we use it as a casual obsession with something from foods to material items. There is no wonder that when it comes to real fetishes people are still in the dark as to understanding them.

What is a Fetish, Really?

Let’s use Wikipedia to give us a general definition, shall we?

Sexual fetishism, or erotic fetishism, is the sexual arousal brought on by any object, situation or body part not conventionally viewed as being sexual in nature. Sexual fetishism may be regarded, e.g. in psychiatric medicine, as a disorder of sexual preference or as an enhancing element to a relationship. The sexual acts involving fetishes are characteristically depersonalized and objectified, even when they involve a partner. Body parts may also be the subject of sexual fetishes (also known as partialism) in which the body part preferred by the fetishist takes a sexual precedence over the owner.

As we can see from the definition, a fetish is a sexual attachment to an inanimate object of body part. In many cases the fetishist can no achieve an erection or orgasm without the object being present or an active part in the act. This is not limited to men, so don’t get my use of words turned around. Women also can develop fetishes.

How Do Fetishes Develop?

There are several theories out there as to how a fetish develops. The classical theory is said to be that the object of fetishism and sexual stimulus are presented at the same time and thus through the learning process they get associated with each other. The learning process is not always during sexual exploration, but can happen early in childhood when what makes you feel happy is constantly the same thing. The sense of euphoria is then attached to that object and can transition into a more adult behavior once sexual maturity has been reached. For example, it may only be shiny skin that arouses a person at first, but in time more common stimuli, such as shiny latex, may have the same effect.

Other theories state that a fetish is gained through heredity or through psychological distress. I tend to believe that it is more the classical theory than any other. If you wish to read a bit on these other two theories you can do so on the Wikipedia article about Fetishism.

Are Fetishes Common?

Fetishes are relatively uncommon. They are more likely in heterosexual men than any other gender group.  That doesn’t mean you can’t develop a temporary fetish. Occasionally there is something that just turns me on about a certain object and I will fantasize about it for some time before it drops off my sexual radar, so to speak. During my high school and college career I was obsessed with anything phallic shaped, as are many women prior (and after) sexual initiation. I am not afflicted quite so much with phallic-fetishism. There is nothing harmful about a temporary fetish as long as you can engage in the fetish safely.

Some fetishes can not be acted out in a loving, healthy manner. A more grotesque fetish I have read about is necrophilia (sex with dead people). This is a fetish that is generally treated with psychotherapy and medication. There are several such fetishes that can harm a person or are detrimental to others if engaged in. You can explore those on your own if you wish to research them.

One of the most common fetishes has to do with feet. Foot worship is quite acceptable in the BDSM arena, but outside it most foot fetishists have to keep their desires hidden. Other foot fetishists have a love of shoes and high heels. One of my favorite blogs to read is Diary of a Long-Distance Sub (NSFW). The submissive has a growing collection of shoes for her Dominant to enjoy and most of the pictures she shares on her blog have her shoes showing prominently with a part of her sexual anatomy.  This is a healthy way to explore the fetish and is a good read.

10 Most Common Fetishes

1. Feet
2. High-heels and knee-high boots
3. Piercing
4. Silk, satin, leather or latex
5. Hands
6. Hair
7. Role playing: doctor, nurse etc.
8. Body parts like flat, tight tummy
9. Balloons
10. Finger-nails art

What else do you know about fetishes? Do you think you have one? Why or why not?

SkylerPet’s Helpful Holiday Hints

This post is another guest post by Skylerpet. You can read her other posts here. She’s wants to help us all get through the holidays with less stress. Here’s some tips to help you. If you have other tips for holiday stress, please leave them in the comments!

With the holiday season in full swing, things can get pretty hectic.  It seems like there’s always more things to do, a list left unfinished.  So I thought I’d share a few tips that I’ve learned over the years to make things go a little smoother.  As submissives it’s important for us to be able to get through these things with as few mishaps as possible, so that we may serve our Master’s better and insure their holidays are most enjoyable.

Around the house:

• Don’t be afraid to ask if guests will be bringing children.  If they are, make sure your home is child safe.  Put breakables up and out of the way, have plastic safety plugs in the electrical outlets, things of that nature.
• Have a place set aside for guests coats, such as a bedroom and a mat for shoes, if weather will be inclement, to keep your floor clean.  Don’t be afraid to put up a “please remove your shoes” sign for those who like to wear shoes inside.
• It’s perfectly okay to use paper plates, especially if they’re biodegradable.
• Make sure to have an extra roll of bathroom tissue and plenty of handsoap available in your bathroom.  Also, having an extra hand towel is not a bad idea. (Not your best ones either! They will be used a lot.)
• If you have your computer on, make sure it’s password protected so nosey relatives or curious children don’t find things they don’t need to.
• Make sure to use surge protectors when plugging in your Christmas tree lights.  Safety first!

In the kitchen:

• Buy your meat in bulk and separate it into 1 lb sections.  Freeze in freezer bags.
• Do a major cleanout of your fridge and cupboards a week or two ahead of time, so there’s room for leftovers.
• Make sure you know about any allergies and other dietary restrictions of your guests.
• Use whole wheat flour for baking.  It’s healthier, tastes better and bakes better.
• Make sure to accept offers for guests to bring dishes.
• Using generic brands is an okay thing.  It saves money and most of them taste the same as name brands.
• Frozen veggies and fruits are an excellent alternative to the fresh varieties.  They last longer, are cheaper and taste just the same.

Miscellaneous:

• Cut up and hemmed flannel shirts make excellent washable napkins.
• Use masking tape to put dates on leftovers you plan on freezing.  It’s easy to remove so you won’t have to cross it out on the Tupperware.
• Ground turkey is a lighter and usually cheaper alternative to ground beef.  The taste difference is not noticeable.
• Use different colored disposable cups for alcoholic versus non-alcoholic drinks.

Make sure to do something special for your Master! Something like a food dish that has special meaning to just you and Him could be subtle but still have meaning.

In the end, the holidays are about family.  And they’re going to understand that things can’t be perfect.  So if you have to put a pile of magazines behind the chair in the living room or use paper plates or if you don’t dust the top of the book cases, family is family and they will understand.

Skylerpet is a 24/7 submissive pup in her late 20’s. She has been into pet play since she discovered the D/s lifestyle and can be reached at: requiemskye@yahoo.com for emails and also YIM chat.

photo by mysza831

Chat Night Transcript for Speaking Submissively

This chat was held on December 2nd, 2009.

~lunaKM> So tonight I wanted to talk about speech and how the way we communicate can impact our submission.

Nia> tonight’s topic really struck a chord with me

angel> same here

~lunaKM> I’ve been doing a bit of non-scientific research of my own when I am out and about and am appalled at the way we talk to each other anymore.

~lunaKM> It’s like the care and respect for strangers no longer exists.

~lunaKM> But furthermore, how we talk to our family has also gone downhill.

~lunaKM> We can take our submissive nature (whether learned or natural) and use it to bring back grace and charm to conversation.

~lunaKM> You can feel free to chime in any time thoughts pop into your head, this is an open discussion.

angel> :)

angel> i didn’t want to interrupt

Nia> ty, luna

angel> i agree with you. i’ve notice how even friends in public speak to one another…

~lunaKM> I’d like to touch on gossiping, vulgarities, person bashing and docile speech with your partner

Nia> i concur…observing my and other’s speech at work shames me

angel> my Sir always tells me that you can speak about anything, but it’s how it’s presented that makes the difference

~lunaKM> Exactly and we can cover that first since you brought it up.

~lunaKM> What’s the difference between these to requests:

~lunaKM> a. I’m going to the store Sir.

~lunaKM> b. May I go to the store Sir?

angel> b is a request. a is telling/more aggressive

Nia> i see (a) as information and (b) as a request for permission

~lunaKM> You are both correct.

Nia> i think (a) would be appropriate only as a response to a question from my Mama as to where I am going?

~lunaKM> a was the more aggressive way to voice your need to go to the store.

angel> yes…i also like Nia’s (a) too :)

~lunaKM> :)

angel> i’ll have to admit, though, sometimes it’s hard

~lunaKM> With just a slight change we can turn our requests into questions or suggestions. Words that still give your Dominant the upper hand.

Nia> yes, i agree

~lunaKM> It’s totally hard, I struggle with it all the time.

angel> oh, good. it’s not just me

Nia> i have been away from my Mama for a year…we just got back together a few weeks ago and the transition is harder than i thought

angel> i’m in the same boat with you Nia. my relationship is long distance and i fall out of it at times

angel> the speech, i mean

~lunaKM> Ok, how about these two phrases…(I’m making them up as I go)

~lunaKM> a. The house needs to be repainted.

~lunaKM> b. I’m going to paint the house.

Nia> (a) is definitely more passive in tone

angel> (a) gives the Dominant a chance to respond either yes or no. (b) takes that way

Nia> however, (b) does mean that i am taking responsibility for this chore

~lunaKM> A allows a dialog to be opened up and the Dominant to make decisions.

~lunaKM> If it is your responsiblity to maintain the outside of the house, sure it might be okay, but a cost incurred for doing so may not be.

Nia> (b) does take the risk of offending your Domme

~lunaKM> It sure does

angel> i agree

~lunaKM> Speaking passively is a safer route to take when talking directly to your Dominant.

~lunaKM> Of course it’s something that comes naturally.

Nia> do you feel that it would be the same at home as in public?

~lunaKM> Nia, do you mean in conversations with your Dominant or with everyone?

Nia> with everyone, my Mama and i work together

~lunaKM> There are always occasions where passive speech just will not work

~lunaKM> Times where authority or responsibility is necessary to claim in order to make your point. But in a relationship where your submission is on display, it’s better to be subordinant in speech as well as deed.

~lunaKM> And of course this won’t work for everyone in every relationship.

angel> i think it’s the Dominant who sets the tone as well. sometimes He/She will allow you to take more verbal control of a situation. but i agree in a D/s setting it’s safer to be softer in speech

~lunaKM> My Master hates it when I say, “Whatever you’d like” (being passive) He wants to know my opinion before making decisions and giving him no options frustrates the living daylights out of him.

Nia> i am a switch and also have a sub boi, so i have to change up several times a day

angel> that’s interesting Nia. is your boi with you while you are with your Domme?

Nia> “whatever you like” drives me crazy too, i try to make suggestions, but leave it up to my Mama to set my priorities each day

Nia> so i want to learn how to keep things transparent with my speech, to emphasize my status with each of them in a non-violent manner

angel> i imagine that it is tough to switch verbal gears in that situation. i find it hard to do coming from work :) i try to stop and think of who i am speaking to (my Sir) before responding.

~lunaKM> So you could get really good with switching from passive to active speech. Set it up to an artform!

Nia> and i have 2 teenage daughters who are finding themselves…menopause on top of all of that! whew!

~lunaKM> lol, quite a handful

angel> lol..tough all the way around

~lunaKM> So, how about we move in to gossiping

~lunaKM> What do you feel about gossip?

angel> it’s a fine line between gossiping and sharing

Nia> it’s funny that when my co-workers are gossiping and i’m not, they seem to feel threatened…that i think i’m better than them by refusing to join the conversation

~lunaKM> I think a lot of gossiping is unrequested information about someone else. I used to be a huge gossip girl.

Nia> but i feel that gossip is usually more about the person who is gossiping

~lunaKM> I’d term that as bragging Nia

angel> how did you stop yourself from gossiping, luna?

Nia> not really, i don’t think that i am better than them…they just think that

Nia> yes, how did you stop, luna?

~lunaKM> Well, It wasn’t easy really. I decided that if the information wasn’t about me, that I had no right to share it.

angel> didn’t you feel like you would explode?

angel> :)

~lunaKM> So no matter how badly I wanted to talk about what happened at the party, etc, if it wasn’t me then it wasn’t my story.

Nia> true that

~lunaKM> At first I did feel that way; then I realized that I was not showing myself in a good light if I could simply talk about everyone else without a care for their thoughts.

angel> hmmm…makes perfect sense.

~lunaKM> I now get so many people wanting to share themselves with me because they know I will guard their trust

Nia> how do you keep from getting drawn into the gossip of others?

~lunaKM> And that really is more important.

~lunaKM> Well, I tend to shut gossip down pretty fast. I just tell them that I won’t talk about people that aren’t part of the conversation since we could be getting the facts wrong.

Nia> excellent point and idea

angel> yes, that is a good statement to use-it’s not harsh but puts a spin on it that others may not get the facts right either

~lunaKM> I’ve had to counter that once when someone kept going and asked them why they felt the need to talk about something that could hurt someone else’s reputation/feelings.

~lunaKM> I’ve wanted to say, ‘Is your life really that boring that we have to talk about other people?’

Nia> there are always 2 sides to every story…sometimes more

~lunaKM smirks

Nia> bravo

angel> :)

~lunaKM> I mean gossip is meant to puff up the person gossiping and tear down the person they are talking about, is it not?

Nia> there is so much that i can share about myself and listening to others sharing about themselves…why bring 3rd parties into it?

~lunaKM> So why do they need that inflated ego?

angel> good points

Nia> cursing, or as you called it “vulgarities”, is a character defect i am really struggling with now

Nia> any advice?

~lunaKM> Well, don’t laugh but I make up words instead of using curse words.

~lunaKM> So Jesus Christ has always been jimminey cricket

angel> i have to admit, the only time i do curse is during “relations”. i guess that’s not good either

angel> lol..cute luna

~lunaKM> lol, I can curse all I want during play/sex… it’s a turn on for both of us

Nia> lol…sorry i had to laugh :)

~lunaKM> That’s okay, sometimes Master repeats the word and I realize just how silly it sounds, but it keeps me from getting in trouble for cursing

Nia> for me it more about controlling my speech when i am angry/frustrated…the words just jump out before i can edit them

~lunaKM> Ah well that’s just as hard.

~lunaKM> The only thing for that is tempering…. mental counting before expressing your anger or frustration.

~lunaKM> It’s not something I’m good at yet (thus the fake curse words)

Nia> my Mama just gives a look, and i feel so ashamed

angel> good advice. taking a deep breath. think jimminey cricket

~lunaKM> lol

Nia> hehe

~lunaKM> the one that Master hates is when he says Son of a.. and I finish it with beehive!

angel> LOL

Nia> my youngest daughter charges me a quarter, fifty cents on sundays…i think i’ve paid for her college tuition this year

~lunaKM> that’s a good incentive if it makes a difference, although if you’ve paid tuition then it must not be so good.

angel> lol…money usually works. at least it benefits someone

Nia> well, i yell a lot during football games

Nia> but seriously, i realize how verbally abusive i can be, and want to change

~lunaKM> This is something that you can work on with your Dominant if you ask for help.

angel> maybe if you picture the look from your Mama before you say it, it will help you to cut down on it.

~lunaKM> Of course it’s going to be hard, but if you want to change and it’s a positive thing I don’t see why she wouldn’t help.

Nia> wow, i’ve never even asked for her help….thanks for the suggestions angel & luna

angel> :)

~lunaKM smiles. Sometimes it take someone else to point out the obvious.

~lunaKM> Are we ready for the last point I want to cover tonight?

angel> sure

Nia> yes

~lunaKM> I’ve seen this a lot on online forums and communities

~lunaKM> person/dominant bashing

Nia> ah, i’ve seen this a lot too

~lunaKM> In generalities it’s when someone says that someone isn’t a good Dominant based on one sided conversation, or that you aren’t a true submissive because of x, y and z. Essentially bashing teh person without all the facts.

~lunaKM> In an online community it is almost impossible to know exactly what is going on with someone when they write just as soon as they experience hurt or anger or fear. That isn’t the time to write, but so many do and it starts damaging the reputation of someone else.

angel> i’ve seen that a lot too

Nia> i understand the need to vent, but damaging the reputation of your Dominant isn’t going to help anything

~lunaKM> I tend to steer clear of these sorts of threads except to say that we don’t know the other person’s side or to recommend that the person reflect on the issue after the intense feelings have faded and they may see it in another light.

angel> good point, Nia. sometimes you do need to vent and for some, the online community is all they have. but, maybe it should be with a online friend and not a thread

angel> i wish everyone responded that way, luna :)

Nia> yes, being discrete should come first

Nia> or i wish that they could relate just their side without all of the damaging details (Dominant’s name, etc.)

~lunaKM> I agree

Nia> a saying in recovery programs is “if i am not the problem, there is no solution”

~lunaKM> I think that in those situations they aren’t seeing what THEY did wrong, only what is bothering them from the other person.

angel> exactly

~lunaKM> heh, that’s just about what I said

Nia> yeah, all i read in those posts is an invitation to a pity party

~lunaKM> no kidding and I never accept those invites.

angel> same here

~lunaKM> They are usually closed off to advice that doesn’t support their anger or frustration either.

angel> never thought of it that way, but that’s true

___

Do you have anything else to add? What are your thoughts?

photo by katie teqtmeyer

What are Dress Protocols?

I had a question sent to me via YouTube asking me about for information about dress protocols. I can only tell you what I am familiar with, so be aware that there are many many other forms of dress protocols and just as many (if not more) reasons behind them. I’m going to assume that the person who asked me wants to understand rules and protocols, not just special occasions where protocol may be in place.

Let’s start out with a refresher of what a rule is in comparison with a protocol. A rule is something that often a spoken or written direction for behavior and generally applies all the time. A protocol, as I understand it, is a set of nonverbal rules for specific purposes and occasions. A dress protocol for a wedding is different than that for a funeral, right? No one has to tell you that you should dress a certain way; it’s an unspoken rule. In BDSM situations, it is possible to have the protocol of a group or function written out and agreed to before you can attend. This is a higher form of rules that apply to just that event or group.

Now, moving on to dress rules and protocols.

A dress protocol is established by a Dominant as the way a submissive is to present themselves for any specific situation. These can be basic grooming habits to very precise details to what to wear to dinner or bed. A lot of times these are the first rules established in a relationship. These can start out as directions for when and what to keep shaved, how to care for your hair, or if you can wear panties or not.

The first rule I had was that I was not allowed to cut my hair. My Dominant likes my hair a certain length and I could only get it trimmed with permission, but never cut more than a certain amount. My hairstylist has adjusted to the change and will ask me now how much I can cut off safely before my boyfriend gets upset. The one to follow directly after that was shaving rules.

Now each Dominant has preferences for clothing and grooming. These are very outward symbols of ownership when followed and adhered to. Dominants can use these protocols to build body image or cause humilation or embarrasment. It could very well just be a Dominant’s preference.

In the case of a party, for instance, there may be a protocol that you must attend in fetish wear and that in order to get in you have to dress a certain way. This is intentional; to keep nosey vanilla people out and to strengthen the sexual and sensual vibe in the party venue.  You may very well have clothing and grooming requirements for your private play too. If your Dominant requires you to have an enema and to paint your nails red, this is part of your play protocol. This can take on very different meanings for each couple.

Below is a short list of the dress rules and protocols that I can come up with. I welcome you to include your own in the comments.

• Shaving the genital area
• Maintaining a certain hairstyle
• Wearing or not wearing makeup
• Wearing undergarments
• Requirements for high heeled shoes
• Allowances to wear pants or dresses
• Having manicures and pedicures
• Only certain colors of clothing
• Accessiblity in clothing
• Wearing insertables
• Presenting in private completely nude
• When to wear the collar
• Allowances for jewelry
• etc…

What do you have for dress protocol? Do you wear a uniform of some sort? Share your rules in the comments!

photo by Alaskan Dude

SubWise #4: Favorite Scene Memory

Last week I asked you to talk about your favorite scene memory. Here are the submissions I got. There is some excellent advice here folks! Check it out. Make sure you leave comments!

(Participants, repost the link list within a week and you’re all set.)

pet’s journey

BDSM is Love

The conversation isn’t over. If you would like to share your advice, please do so in the comments!

One month into my first real time D/S relationship: A Training Review

This is a Guest Post by A. She is a new submissive in her first 24/7 dynamic. I received this wonderfully written review of her first 30 days and she offered to share it with everyone here. Enjoy!

It has come to my attention after reading submissiveguide.com that my training with Sir has already begun, though not outright labeled as such.  Indeed, every relationship I have ever had has begun in this way, learning the likes and dislikes of my partner and trying to accommodate, but with Him, I am more aware of this process, as it is more deliberate.  At the outset, on the day of our first meeting, he instructed me to wear a black dress, and sit in the park reading and await Him.  I am validated to read in Luna’s writing that my concern over my appearance, and also trying to be peaceful, not fidget and patient was already a positive in the direction of desired qualities in a submissive.  Since that day, we have grown together in many ways, and the ways in which I have learned to please Him are outlined below.  I plan to update this list periodically, to track the ways in which I deepen my submission, the ways in which my wants and needs evolve and dovetail with His.

Speech:

Sir:
Use of the word Sir was discussed online, before we had even initially met.  He indicated I could call Him whatever I wished, but desired Sir for intimate moments.  As we grew closer, it applied whenever He was asserting His dominance, be it out in public, online or on the phone and I show my acceptance and submission with the honorific response.

Thank you:
At various times I have been corrected for not thanking Him for the orgasm He allowed me to have.  I have begun to thank Him for blows He gives me in certain contexts, He has not commented either way on this, or corrected when I do not.

Wording:
When I removed His shoes, I asked if He would like to keep His socks or not.  This is something I am still trying to work on, my natural way of speaking is to ask “can I?”  but I am well aware “may I” is more appropriate.  Sir does not comment on this, but I feel it is more respectful, and I’m frustrated with myself at each error.

Enunciation:
Another flaw of mine is that in the course of being together, when I am excited, I often forget the appropriate response of “yes Sir, no Sir” and may make a moaning sort of affirmation or denial. His tone changes immediately as he demands the proper response and I know I run the risk of displeasing Him should I not enunciate properly.

Positions:

Spanking:
Sir is particular about positions and protocol.  When I am to be spanked, I am to kneel and bend over with my face flat, shoulders to the bed, and present myself.  He prefers my back to be straight, which is difficult for me, as my natural tendency is to reverse arch my back.  As I am punished, I am most often allowed to cry out, but not to move.  If I flinch, I am to return to the instructed position immediately without hesitation.  If I am to stand and be punished, I must brace myself stiff armed on a designated piece of furniture, slightly bent, head down.

Undressing:
I am just now beginning to learn how to undress for Sir. I feel a bit silly, but the lingerie I wear for Him helps. So far He has only specified me to remove my panties while facing away from Him, slightly bent over.  Beyond that He has only asked that I please Him with my removal of my clothes, and I try to be creative and pleasing in the process.

Waiting to Serve Sexually:
When Sir decides He wishes to use me I am ordered to get on the bed, on my back, legs spread open and knees up, so He can gaze at me exposed while He readies Himself to enter me.  Often I will casually hold this position, while writhing a bit, gazing at Him to allow Him to feel my passion and desire, and my hunger. Occasionally He will correct me and tell me to be still, but generally He enjoys my arousal and encourages me to exhibit these feelings.

From the Rear:
As one of Sir’s favorite ways to have me, positioning for rear entry is very important.  He prefers a similar position to that of spanking, with more of a reverse lean so as to better accommodate His thrusts.

Rituals and Behavior:

Morning Check In:
Each day when I get up, I am to write to Him, tell Him my plans for the day, and say hello. Sometimes He responds with additional commands, which may include meditating on a certain subject, writing, masturbation or explicit instructions to abstain from that. Other times He responds with a brief “good morning my sweet girl.” Other times He does not respond at all. The initial contact on my part is the focus, and allows me to show that in waking up to start my day, He is in my first thoughts.

Shoes:
My first actual training occurred when we reached my home our first day together.  Sir sat on my couch, and took one of the pillows, placing it at His feet, He instructed me to kneel and remove His shoes.  He informed me at that time that His women do not kneel on the floor, only on pillows, and so I learned my first lesson. Now, unless we are in a rush, I kneel at His feet and put on and remove His shoes.

Worship:
In removing or putting on of shoes, I always kiss the tops of His feet.  Once the shoes are off or on respectively, from my kneeling position I wrap my arms around His calves, and press my head down softly on His lap. He then bends at the waist, and embraces me and we hold that moment.  In this way, I show my devotion and love, and He shows His acceptance and reciprocation.

Sir also requires certain ways of being touched, especially after intercourse.  He prefers His chest to be stroked and will directly request it.

Massage:
Due to injury, regular massage is very beneficial to Him, so often I do massage His muscles for Him, both solicited and unsolicited.  As I do these things for Him, I try to focus on the feelings I have for Him, all I appreciate that He does for me, and allow that warmth and tenderness to radiate through my hands.  This is to me, one of the highest forms of worship and a deep communion between us.

Fetching:
I have the natural desire, when fetching something for Him, to kneel and present the item with both hands upon my return. Sir has expressed appreciation for this, and thus I adopt it.

Toys:
Sir introduces all toys and equipment by either presenting it to me or instructing me to fetch it for Him. He then presents it to my lips and I kiss it, typically a flogger, rope or a slapper, though a blindfold or other bondage instruments, hair brush, etc, are managed similarly.

When Sir is finished with the toy, or when I am cleaning up the room afterward, I am to take the toy to the closet where it is kept, and hang it very deliberately in its designated spot. I stop the swaying with my hands, then bend at the waist to kiss the item, as He watches.  He then closes the closet door.

Presentation:
Sir prefers that the condom box be displayed in my room, with one always set on top, ready and anticipating His need.

Orgasm Control:
Sir has decreed that I may not orgasm without His permission.  As I feel it build, I am to ask, and if He says no, resist it.  This has been my sole punishable infraction to date, as the way in which He was having me made it next to impossible to resist, and in complete honesty, I wanted to see what would happen.  Since that time though, with punishment looming over my head, I improved a great deal, and even redeemed myself, forgiven and excused from the punishment.  Sir has been pleased to the point where He has moved on to orgasm on command.

Orgasm on Command:
Sir employs both the counting method and basic instruction for orgasm on command training and only during sex, which makes it easier for me.  He wishes to lessen my response time however.  I myself would like to be trained by Sir to orgasm independent of sexual stimulation; i.e. a simple word can trigger that response but that is at His discretion.

Clothing:
Usually He does not request specific items of clothing to be worn, but generally I ask when planning to see Him, what He would like for me to wear. As we are still in the beginnings of our relationship, He is not 100% familiar with my wardrobe, but I do my best to accommodate His requests.

Personal Grooming:
Sir often does request specific hair styles of me, and I do my best to please Him in this way. Also, He prefers me to have pubic hair, which I have always removed. Growing out and getting used to this hair has been challenging for me, but His pleasure in knowing it is difficult but seeing that I obey nonetheless makes it a rewarding task.

A is a submissive from Boston MA.  She has experienced elements of BDSM in the past, but is now embarking on her first 24×7 collared relationship.  She happily shares her progress with others who may be inspired in a similar manner. You can find her on FetLife as northern_siren.

Photo by and of A.

5 Ways to Express Your Gratitude to Your Dominant

With Thanksgiving (USA) just around the corner I thought it would be fitting to write about gratitude, and how to express your gratitude to the one you serve. Sure you can say thank you. That’s standard. I really hope you take every opportunity to say thank  you, but what if you want a few more creative ways to show how appreciative you are to your Dominant?

Being thankful can take on many forms, and each time we feel that sensation of gratitude well up we can use a different display of appreciation. For example, thanking your Dominant for giving you an orgasm will be treated differently than if you are grateful that hold the power in your life. Orgasm gratitude is usually expressed immediately after while you may take awhile to express your feelings for the later.

Take a moment and come up with some things you are grateful in your life that you may not have had before you were in a relationship with your Dominant. How important are they to your development and your overall happiness? When was the last time you showed your appreciation for these things? Is it about time you did?

So, what ideas do you have for expressing yourself? They can be simple or elaborate, as long as they are your own. Make it honest and full of your service.

Offer

The first idea is to offer a service that you don’t normally do. It can be anything. Give a massage, bathe their feet, sexual service that you don’t pine after (for me that’s analingus). Be a foot stool, be their tax preparer. Anything that would just make their day and surprises them would fit the bill. Just remember to make it a part of yourself. Offering to pay for them to attend a salon is not the same thing, as offering yourself for a day of pampering.

Create

This idea isn’t about making something, but setting a mood. If you know your Dominant is going to coming home from a stressful day, it would be as simple as soft lights and maybe candles to help them relax and shed the outside world. Making sure the home is picked up and inviting can bring a lot of emotion attached to it. It not only shows that you care for the household possessions, but also how it makes people feel when they enter.

You can also create an atmosphere appropriate for whatever may be planned. If play is on the menu, then neatly prepare your play space. If dinner is the order of the day, setting the table as if you are in a fine restaurant can show your appreciation for a number of things.

Do

Take an idea from online for a ritual that you don’t do. Perhaps it can be kneeling and then lowering your face cheek to cheek to the floor in submission or kneeling when you bring their drink. Adding that bit of focused attention is a pleasant surprise to a Dominant and shows them that you care for how you present your submission. There is any number of things you can do in this vein. From a specific way you adopt to disrobe, to how you reply to requests in a set format. It’s not just up to the Dominant to add ritual and intensity to the relationship. Volunteering these simple steps will tell them that you thank them for the opportunity to serve them.

Make

Sure it’s quite easy to go to the store and purchase something for them, but when was the last time you made something for them? You don’t have to learn anything or have specific skills. Make a special dinner or dessert, write a card or poem, put together a photo album or mosaic. Something homemade has more meaning than a purchased item.

Coming up next week I’ll share ideas of what to give a Dominant, until then use your imagination!

Rededicate

Ultimately, this should only be done if you are really ready to deepen your relationship or there has been a lapse in the dynamic that you wish to try to repair. Again, the ritual that this involves can be simple to elaborate so let your mind develop what would work for you. Even just setting aside time to talk about how you wish to submit and offering that over voluntarily expresses how you love the relationship and what they do for you. Again, you don’t have to wait for the Dominant to tell you to create a ritual or process for doing something. I’ve gained so many rituals just by starting it and having him say he really likes it.

If you have gotten lazy in your rules, start really digging in and doing them before you get in trouble. Don’t let their distraction sway you. You want to serve, that’s why you are in this relationship so serve. Your submission just might deepen their Dominance and the rededication can you an exchange, just as it should be.

Lastly, remember to say thank you when you do these things. Make it about them. We take too much for granted anymore. Don’t let your relationship become one of those things. Relationships build because we work at them, show how much you appreciate everything they do and you will also reap the rewards.

How do you show your gratitude to your Dominant?

photo by FernR

Review: Protocols: a Variety of Views

If you are looking for a varied account of protocol then this book is perfect! Part of Power Exchange Books’ Resource Series Protocols: a Variety of Views is a collection of essays written by people living a life with protocol in place. You will get every opinion represented here as well as a few book reviews at the end of other protocol related books you might be interested in.

Compiled of 13 well thought out essays from every role imaginable and some well known voices in the alternative community leadership, this book has what it needs and then some. You will learn what people consider protocol, what the difference is between that and ritual as well as ceremony. There are some lovely examples of personal protocols lived out in their relationships and opinions that may align with yours.

I like that the book is short essays, as I admit my attention span is relatively short. I can read one essay at a time and then give it some time to digest before moving on to another. In fact, that’s how I recommend you read this book. I tried reading one essay immediately following another and the differing viewpoints clashed in my brain and I had to reread them.

My favorite essay has to be by slave elizabeth titled, “Development of Protocols in the Order of Discipline and Service.” She shares with us her ‘unusual’ protocols that her Dominant has for the house and to be honest hers is the first I’ve read or heard about to hold these protocols. She and the other slaves that serve have uniforms much like a job would for about any occasion, they wear chains at all times, even while out and I love the idea of having personal cells for time away from serving. I was so interested in it I read the essay twice just to take care of my fascination.

If you are curious about protocol I’d recommend this compilation. It has everything you’d want to know and maybe some you wouldn’t think to learn.

Product Details

• luna’s Rating: 7/10
• Published on: 2008-10-01
• Original language: English
• Binding: Paperback
• 106 pages

Buy Protocols: A Variety of Views: Power Exchange Books’ Resource Series By Robert Rubel PhD

Submissive Chat Night 11/3/09: Views On Protocol

It’s time for another chat night here at Submissive Guide. This week’s topic will be one I am very interested in. As always, the chat is expected to last about 1 1/2 hours and is open to everyone.

When: 11/03/09 at 8:00pm Central Time

Where: Chat room located on the website

Topic: Different Views on Protocl

I will be asking you to give me permission to save a transcript of the chat session and post it on the website for others to share in the conversation. Dominants are welcome to attend. See everyone then!

Optional Pre-reading

• Protocol
• Protocol, Etiquette and Ritual
• Basic BDSM Protocol – pdf
• Why I Don’t Give a Hoot about Protocol and Why It’s Important to Know Anyhow
• Some Notes on Scene Etiquette and Leather Protocol

SubWise #3: Ease of Obedience

Last week I asked you to talk about the easiness of obedience to you. Here are the submissions I got. There is some excellent advice here folks! Check it out. Make sure you leave comments!

(Participants, repost the link list within a week and you’re all set.)

This girl

Master Stone’s Princess

Slave to Don

The conversation isn’t over. If you would like to share your advice, please do so in the comments!

Submissive Chat Night 10/27/09: Dating and Online Dominant Searches

It’s time for another chat night here at Submissive Guide. This week’s topic will be one I am very interested in. As always, the chat is expected to last about 1 1/2 hours and is open to everyone.

When: 10/27/09 at 8:00pm Central Time

Where: Chat room located on the website

Topic: Dating and Online Dominant Searches

I will be asking you to give me permission to save a transcript of the chat session and post it on the website for others to share in the conversation. Dominants are welcome to attend. See everyone then!

Optional Pre-Work

• Red Flags, Warning Signs, and Intuition: Learning to Trust You Instincts – Part One: Dominants
• Dating in the Lifestyle
• On Love and D/s

Questions:

1. What are the most common ways to find Dominants to date?
2. What is considered a safe way to meet someone?
3. What is expected on a date with a Dominant?
4. What isn’t expected on a date with a Dominant?
5. What is the difference between dating in the vanilla sense and dating in D/s?
6. Around what date do you play? Compared to when you’d open up for possible sex during a vanilla relationship, why do you allow play at this point in time?

Rescheduled! Submissive Chat Night 10/13/09: What is Service?

It’s time for another chat night here at Submissive Guide. This week’s topic will be one I am very interested in. As always, the chat is expected to last about 1 1/2 hours and is open to everyone.

When: 10/13/09 at 8:00pm Central Time

Where: Chat room located on the website

Topic: What is Service?

I will be asking you to give me permission to save a transcript of the chat session and post it on the website for others to share in the conversation. Dominants are welcome to attend. See everyone then!

Optional Pre-Work

1. How do you define service? When is it most evident in your actions or relationship?

2. What services do you provide that you enjoy? What services do you not enjoy?

3. Find an essay online that you think speaks to your idea of service.

Submissive Journey Weekend 2010 Registration Now Open

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE – Please cross-post

Welcome to the 3rd Annual Submissive Journey Weekend…

I am proud to announce that registration for the next Submissive Journey Weekend is now open. We cordially invite those who identify as submissive, slave, girl, boi /boy, bottom, pup, etc. to a weekend of learning, growth and support. All genders, sexual orientations,and experience levels, are welcome.

The classes at SJW will focus on service skills training, personal growth and relationship-oriented classes all with the intent to inspire further learning and growth in the submissive.

Come stay with us for three days and two nights at a luxurious cabin nestled in the beautiful mountains in Pigeon Forge, TN . We have people that attend from all over the country and even Canada. Your registration package will include lodging, meals, educational materials, event t-shirt, over 15 different classes and large group discussions, and much more.

In an attempt to offer personalized attention I am offering only 45 openings so please don’t wait to register. We fill up fast! We already have applications coming in.

For more detailed information please feel free to visit our website at submissive journey weekend

Please contact kendell at sjw.information@gmail.com for any questions you may have. I’d love to talk to you.

~ A Thank you to our Sponsors
This would not be possible without the support and kindness of our sponsors. If you are interested in sponsoring or making a donation to the Submissive Journey Weekend please check out our sponsor information page on our website.

Please feel free to cross post this announcement or share it with others who might be interested in this event

Thank you,
kendell
SJW – Producer

Service With Grace

If you’ve been following Submissive Guide on twitter for any length of time you will notice an interesting blog that I have updates sent to twitter. This blog is one of distinction because it is written to aid the domestic and service oriented submissive with tasks around the house and within themselves. The blog I’m talking about is Service Savoir Faire.

Service Savoir Faire is written by namaste a service slave from Texas with a real ability to  express herself. The blog has some wonderful regular features that I’d like to highlight.

Service Book of Days

Every Monday, namaste posts the same 15 questions with personal answers and encourages others to do the same on their blog. It’s a beautiful way to focus your submissive energy and organize your thoughts on what should be done and where your mind is at. I have yet to do this task on my own for my personal blog, but I do intend to get going on it real soon. What a simple way to focus!

Friday Finds

Most Fridays, she shares with us things that might be useful for our service from all over the internet. There have been some spectacular websites recently that have helped me out with organization and cleaning and creative energy.

Menus for the Seasons

There is a numerous amount of menus with recipes for the current season. I’m sure she will be starting on the Fall menus soon and I’m looking forward to some delicious new meals to plan into my cooking repertoire.  Summer menus were full of fresh, healthy and light cooking that would bring the joy of summer into any home.

Butler’s Book Series

I’ve always wanted to know what a butler’s book is, and while I was under the assumption that it was a list of guests with their preferences documented so that whenever they showed up you could provide them their favorites and surprise them. In fact it is that and more. It’s a household manual where you document and keep all the home care processes together in one place. You can read all about the Butler’s Book series HERE.

Today’s Mantra

On the sidebar, namaste updates a quote or saying and then her reflection on it in Today’s Mantra. I find it a beautiful testament to her abilities and dedication to service. I’m sure you will enjoy it as well.

I encourage you all to visit and bookmark the site for reading, making sure you visit often. It’s a pearl of a find and one that shouldn’t be left in the deep expanse of the internet. She also runs a Yahoo group on service, which you can find at Service Excellence.

SubWise #2: Advice You Swear By

Last week I asked you to share some advice that you live by or love passing on to novices because it worked so well for you. Here’s the submissions I got. There is some excellent advice here folks! Check it out. Make sure you leave comments!

Participants, repost the link list within a week and you’re all set.

• this girl
• ember’s submissive journey
• pet’s journey

The conversation isn’t over. If you would like to share your advice, please do so in the comments!