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A Submissive Approach to Safe, Sane and Consensual

When you first enter the more public BDSM community one of the largest catch phrases you will here is SSC, also known as Safe, Sane and Consensual. It is a security blanket approach to safety when playing and negotiation of play. As a submissive, you have a lot of responsibility to keeping yourself safe and well.

When I first learned about SSC I found that it was very important that I understand what it means to me and my experiences in BDSM. Everywhere I went I found essays that mostly pertained to playing safely, negotiating and choosing the right partners. It didn’t really sit well with me because I was looking for a relationship and not just play. So I defined it for what I was looking for.

Safe

While most essays you read will undoubtedly say that you need to play safely with respects to using barriers, who you play with and within your knowledge level or experience level none of them touch on relationship safety.

Safety as far as relationships go would be protecting what you feel to be valuable. This would be your limits, your needs and wants and any other substantial believe systems you already have in place, such as religion or family ties.

You also want to protect your physical and emotional safety. During negotiations for a relationship, or just getting to know one another, figure out how your partner plans to take care of you and if they will allow you some leeway in how you can care for yourself if needed. Even slaves have responsibility to make sure that their emotional and physical well-being is taken care of.

Sane

For sanity the essays out there stick with knowing fantasy from reality and not acting on fantasy. There is so much more attached to the word sane though. For example, what about expectations of service; keep them realistic. No submissive should be expected to learn 4 pages of rules and protocol in a short period of time or kneel for hours on end without a break. This is what fantasy porn is made of.

Also, listen to your gut about red flags and uneasiness. You generally don’t have invalid feelings when you feel it in your gut. If something feels crazy, then it’s perfectly okay to investigate it. Keep it yourself sane.

Consensual

Of course the two or more parties involved should agree to the play activities, it’s pretty much a given. BDSM isn’t about forcing the unwilling at all. But also, this part of SSC covers illegal activities such as incest, child abuse, animal abuse and other unsavory activities.

When relating it to relationships consensual should be that all relationship items should be agreed upon. There are good dominants and bad dominants. Holding onto your wits and enforcing your rights should keep the bad ones at bay. This means that no rules should be forced upon your that you don’t want to do.

All in all, keep it safe, sane and consensual.

In another essay, I’ll talk about the alternative to SSC called RACK.

The Nitty Gritty of the BDSM Lifestyle

There are so many primers out there about BDSM I’m not sure if another one is really needed. Then again with all the basic questions asked on forums and chat rooms about BDSM it’s unlikely that my words will not be read by someone and that they will take something new from them.

BDSM is an umbrella term for Bondage, Discipline, Dominance, Submission, Sadism, Masochism. Each of these words on their own is a giant term with a lot of other vocabulary under them. Basically anything kinky will fall under one of these terms. You don’t have to know all of the vocabulary to practice BDSM but if you are really curious there are BDSM dictionaries all over the web.

The Kinky Dictionary

Informed Consent’s BDSM Dictionary

Dictionary and BDSM Backroom

On top of knowing some of the words comes learning some of the expectations and experiences you can have in the BDSM Lifestyle. Becoming a submissive in a D/s dynamic is just like any other relationship with one very important difference. The roles are set, not fluid like a regular relationship. A dominant and submissive never switch roles (unless in agreed upon circumstances) and the relationship continues strongly as this dynamic. People can be into kinky play and only engage in their roles in the bedroom or they can be in control of their chosen role throughout their lives.

Neither is greater or less valuable to BDSM. What one chooses to do within their relationship is personal and unique. Liking other people’s kinks is not required, but accepting them is looked favorably on. There are many things that I would never entertain as pleasurable or enjoyable but I can appreciate someone else’s desire to do them for those reasons.

Not everyone you meet that is into BDSM wants to be part of a community. You can’t make someone come out into BDSM public and say they are kinky. BDSM is still in the closet for most folks and that’s okay with them. Those who want to be a part of the community you bring with you a wonderful amount of experience and personal knowledge that everyone, including new people, can learn from.

Is it a Lifestyle?

BDSM is a Lifestyle for me. I live it all the time, it’s who I am. This is not the case with over half of the known BDSM population. The range of participation varies greatly. I can’t say that I know exact numbers, but I know that out of 10 people I could met in a room, 7 of them probably do not identify as Lifestyle BDSM’ers. That’s fine with me, we can still chat kink and not get all uncomfortable becuase we aren’t EXACTLY alike, right?

There are many different roles you can play in BDSM as well, from Top, Dominant or Master to bottom, submisssive and slave. There are also variations on these roles as well depending on the type of dynamic you want. You could be in a Daddy/little girl or Mommy/little boy dynamic. You could be in a Poly Master/slave household where you are the alpha. You could just be kinky and love the fun stuff in the bedroom. It’s all available to you.

What’s the Big Deal?

BDSM is a big deal to those that have anything to do with it because it turns them on in some way; sexually, intellectually, emotionally or all of the above. BDSM is not always sex driven, but it can be. The kinky among us consider it almost a sexual orientation; even I’ve given this idea a thought or two on my blog.

Is it Safe?

Depends really on what you define as safe. BDSM has two different stands on safety. One is SSC; Safe, Sane and Concensual. The other is RACK; Risk Aware Concensual Kink. The only thing in common with these two is the concensuality. The interpretations are different as different can be. Justin Medlin wrote an essay titled ‘SSC vs. RACK‘ explaining the differences between the two.