The Top 30 Posts of 2009

A year ago I started a small blog project called Submissive Guide. I wanted it to be an organized place where I could voice my opinions about submission, help novices discover who they are and explore BDSM through the written word. Since that time it has grown to so much more, including an e-book, a newsletter and video posts.

To celebrate one year of excellent writing I wanted to showcase the top 30 posts of 2009. I’ve noted in the link if the author was a guest post. Please take a look at what has had the most views since starting out one year ago. You may have missed a few gems!

1. What is slave training?
2. Rituals that Work
3. 2 Weeks to Better Submissive Positions
4. Best Submissive Blogslist
5. The Difference Between Bottom, Masochist, Submissive and Slave
6. 7 Things You Can Do Today to Improve Your Submission
7. Discovering Your Submissive Nature
8. How to Beg When Asked
9. Mapping Out Your Ideal Submission
10. A Great Example of a Slave’s Rosary
11. Learning To Kneel (from 2 Weeks to Better Submissive Positions)
12. The Importance of Rules
13. Beginning Your Training Resume
14. Dominance as a Slave Training Tool for Better Submission
15. Caring For Yourself After a Scene: Self-Aftercare
16. The BDSM Checklist That Will Really Help You
17. Offering Your Body for Service (from 2 Weeks to Better Submissive Positions)
18. What it Means to be an Owned Kajira by dina
19. The Nitty Gritty of the BDSM Lifestyle
20. 5 Ways to Recognize Topping from the Bottom
21. Another 7 Things You Can Do Today to Improve Your Submission
22. Your Bathing Regime
23. Where to Buy a Collar Online
24. The Importance of Journaling Your Submission
25. Pet Play and Human Pets Primer by skylerpet
26. The Realities of Online Submission
27. Two Dominants by Aria
28. Submission By Choice: Learned Submission
29. Sub Drop’s Emotional Side
30. 10 Helpful Websites for the Busy Submissive

Here’s to another year of great content!

The Impact of Velcro Collars on the Symbolism

This week’s video post is about velcro collars.

To submissives, a collar is one of the most important things they have. It is a symbol of their commitment, their service and their adoration of a special someone. In most situations, the offering or begging of a collar is not taken lightly. The weight of the matter could mean a lifetime of service, the same importance of engagement or marriage and strict adherence to rules and behaviors.

However, just as there are people who go through mates like tissues, there are submissives and Dominants alike that use Velcro collars. These collars have practically no meaning to them and they hand them out or give them back without so much as a blink of the eye.

It is believed that the use of a collar like this can cheapen the meaning and symbolism for those people who hold the collar and it’s meaning in high regard to those of the community if so many others are seen to be passed around from one person to the next.

This really goes along with my thoughts on the Disposable Relationship. Too many people aren’t taking relationships seriously anymore. The value of anything to do with partnership and couples working together has diminished. We’ve become a satisfaction now society. No consequences. It’s just sad.

Now back to velcro collars…. They exist mainly online, but it’s not uncommon to find one or two people in your local community that seem to bounce around the group ‘collecting’ collars. Every time you see them they are collared to someone new. Wearing a collar becomes a game to them.

How does this impact the symbolism? In my opinion it doesn’t. The symbolism of the collar is developed by your own beliefs. Just as the wedding ring means one thing or another to someone, so does the collar. Does someone else’s many marriages impact the value of your marriage? Of course it doesn’t.

Being someone who hands out or receives collars that would define them as velcro would only impact the particular person. Sure it could make them appear needy or desperate or in the least, inexperienced.

I know that for myself, wearing a collar and being collared is the most sacred thing in our relationship. I know that if I weren’t committed to the relationship that the collar wouldn’t even be a part of our lives.

What do you think? Are velcro collars affecting the overall symbolism of collars in our society?

Can You Separate BDSM and Sex?

When Master and I get to play, it’s quite sexually charged. We find the play and the energy we swap as very sexual. Our play time usually ends in sex of some form. That’s just how we roll. Does it always have to be that way? Heck no! In fact, when I was casually playing, there was no sex at all.

But can you really separate the sex from BDSM? You have to admit that much of what we do during play time is rooted in sexual pleasure and sensation. Even if you are never touched sexually you can achieve orgasm. Does this make it sex or BDSM?

My first kinky experiences were purely sexual and yet I can and have separated the idea  of sex from BDSM. I’m not exactly sure how it happened. Perhaps it could have been necessity. I was casually seeing people when I started exploring. I know that sex was special and important to a relationship; a relationship I wasn’t kindling with any of these partners.

What really comes down to it for you and each partner you have is how you define sex. For myself and the casual partners, sex was any form of penetration. For Master and myself that definition is more inclusive of everything we do.

I recommend that you have a discussion with your partner as a part of negotiation for the first play session that you define what sex is and if it’s a welcome part of your play. I’ve talked about negotiations before so I’m not going to get into the depth of it, but it is a very important part of a new relationship and can be important in well established ones too in certain situations.

So much of what we do is sexual because that is how most of us first explore our kinky side. It’s not uncommon for all of us to start out with the tentative sensations during sex and keep our new side hidden behind bedroom doors. This association alone could lead to your understanding that BDSM is the same as sex.

It doesn’t have to be. If you have been to any variety of play parties you will see a wide variety of play styles. Most parties have rules regarding sexual play. Some won’t allow any at all. Yet you will still see people enjoying themselves and having a good time.

Should you separate BDSM and Sex? That’s completely up to you; but as I’ve said previously there are reasons to do so and there are just as valid reasons not to. BDSM play tends to be just as intimate as sex, sometimes moreso. This is a decision that you should make for yourself while you are still searching for your Dominant or play partner. Stick to what you decide.  Your future intimacy depends on your decisions now.

So, what about you? Can you separate sex from BDSM?

Other Thoughts on BDSM and Sex

• Our chat discussion transcript from 8/25/09 on this very topic
• Is BDSM Sexual?
• BDSM vs. Kink

What are Dress Protocols?

I had a question sent to me via YouTube asking me about for information about dress protocols. I can only tell you what I am familiar with, so be aware that there are many many other forms of dress protocols and just as many (if not more) reasons behind them. I’m going to assume that the person who asked me wants to understand rules and protocols, not just special occasions where protocol may be in place.

Let’s start out with a refresher of what a rule is in comparison with a protocol. A rule is something that often a spoken or written direction for behavior and generally applies all the time. A protocol, as I understand it, is a set of nonverbal rules for specific purposes and occasions. A dress protocol for a wedding is different than that for a funeral, right? No one has to tell you that you should dress a certain way; it’s an unspoken rule. In BDSM situations, it is possible to have the protocol of a group or function written out and agreed to before you can attend. This is a higher form of rules that apply to just that event or group.

Now, moving on to dress rules and protocols.

A dress protocol is established by a Dominant as the way a submissive is to present themselves for any specific situation. These can be basic grooming habits to very precise details to what to wear to dinner or bed. A lot of times these are the first rules established in a relationship. These can start out as directions for when and what to keep shaved, how to care for your hair, or if you can wear panties or not.

The first rule I had was that I was not allowed to cut my hair. My Dominant likes my hair a certain length and I could only get it trimmed with permission, but never cut more than a certain amount. My hairstylist has adjusted to the change and will ask me now how much I can cut off safely before my boyfriend gets upset. The one to follow directly after that was shaving rules.

Now each Dominant has preferences for clothing and grooming. These are very outward symbols of ownership when followed and adhered to. Dominants can use these protocols to build body image or cause humilation or embarrasment. It could very well just be a Dominant’s preference.

In the case of a party, for instance, there may be a protocol that you must attend in fetish wear and that in order to get in you have to dress a certain way. This is intentional; to keep nosey vanilla people out and to strengthen the sexual and sensual vibe in the party venue.  You may very well have clothing and grooming requirements for your private play too. If your Dominant requires you to have an enema and to paint your nails red, this is part of your play protocol. This can take on very different meanings for each couple.

Below is a short list of the dress rules and protocols that I can come up with. I welcome you to include your own in the comments.

• Shaving the genital area
• Maintaining a certain hairstyle
• Wearing or not wearing makeup
• Wearing undergarments
• Requirements for high heeled shoes
• Allowances to wear pants or dresses
• Having manicures and pedicures
• Only certain colors of clothing
• Accessiblity in clothing
• Wearing insertables
• Presenting in private completely nude
• When to wear the collar
• Allowances for jewelry
• etc…

What do you have for dress protocol? Do you wear a uniform of some sort? Share your rules in the comments!

photo by Alaskan Dude

Submissive Chat Night: 12/1/09 – Speaking Submissively

It’s time for another Submissive Chat Night!

When: Dec 1st at 8pm CST. It is expected to last about 1 1/2 hours.

Topic: Graceful Words: Speaking Submissively

Optional Pre-reading:

Graceful Speech

Etiquette of Speech

The Art of Conversation

Some chat night rules, up for discussion.

1. I would like to be able to post the edited chat log for the discussion on this website and will put it up for a vote every chat night. Vote will decide for that night only.
2. Dominant bashing will not be allowed. Gossip is not welcome. Using people’s full names, or those of people not in the chat will be subject to banning for the duration of the discussion. Please don’t make me use my powers. I’d like to keep this comfortable for everyone; even those not present.

How to get to the chat room

The chat room is attached to this site under the Resources link at the top, or you can click this link here.  It will ask for your nickname and then automatically connect you to the chat room. It is open all the time, so if you want to meet some people, hang out in there. I try to be there when I’m at my computer too.

If you use an IRC desktop client you can connect to the server directly. Here is the information you need to find the room:

Server: irc.mibbit.cm
Port: 6667
Channel: #submissive-guide

Questions? Let me know. Otherwise I hope to see a lot of you there on Tuesday!

5 Ways to Express Your Gratitude to Your Dominant

With Thanksgiving (USA) just around the corner I thought it would be fitting to write about gratitude, and how to express your gratitude to the one you serve. Sure you can say thank you. That’s standard. I really hope you take every opportunity to say thank  you, but what if you want a few more creative ways to show how appreciative you are to your Dominant?

Being thankful can take on many forms, and each time we feel that sensation of gratitude well up we can use a different display of appreciation. For example, thanking your Dominant for giving you an orgasm will be treated differently than if you are grateful that hold the power in your life. Orgasm gratitude is usually expressed immediately after while you may take awhile to express your feelings for the later.

Take a moment and come up with some things you are grateful in your life that you may not have had before you were in a relationship with your Dominant. How important are they to your development and your overall happiness? When was the last time you showed your appreciation for these things? Is it about time you did?

So, what ideas do you have for expressing yourself? They can be simple or elaborate, as long as they are your own. Make it honest and full of your service.

Offer

The first idea is to offer a service that you don’t normally do. It can be anything. Give a massage, bathe their feet, sexual service that you don’t pine after (for me that’s analingus). Be a foot stool, be their tax preparer. Anything that would just make their day and surprises them would fit the bill. Just remember to make it a part of yourself. Offering to pay for them to attend a salon is not the same thing, as offering yourself for a day of pampering.

Create

This idea isn’t about making something, but setting a mood. If you know your Dominant is going to coming home from a stressful day, it would be as simple as soft lights and maybe candles to help them relax and shed the outside world. Making sure the home is picked up and inviting can bring a lot of emotion attached to it. It not only shows that you care for the household possessions, but also how it makes people feel when they enter.

You can also create an atmosphere appropriate for whatever may be planned. If play is on the menu, then neatly prepare your play space. If dinner is the order of the day, setting the table as if you are in a fine restaurant can show your appreciation for a number of things.

Do

Take an idea from online for a ritual that you don’t do. Perhaps it can be kneeling and then lowering your face cheek to cheek to the floor in submission or kneeling when you bring their drink. Adding that bit of focused attention is a pleasant surprise to a Dominant and shows them that you care for how you present your submission. There is any number of things you can do in this vein. From a specific way you adopt to disrobe, to how you reply to requests in a set format. It’s not just up to the Dominant to add ritual and intensity to the relationship. Volunteering these simple steps will tell them that you thank them for the opportunity to serve them.

Make

Sure it’s quite easy to go to the store and purchase something for them, but when was the last time you made something for them? You don’t have to learn anything or have specific skills. Make a special dinner or dessert, write a card or poem, put together a photo album or mosaic. Something homemade has more meaning than a purchased item.

Coming up next week I’ll share ideas of what to give a Dominant, until then use your imagination!

Rededicate

Ultimately, this should only be done if you are really ready to deepen your relationship or there has been a lapse in the dynamic that you wish to try to repair. Again, the ritual that this involves can be simple to elaborate so let your mind develop what would work for you. Even just setting aside time to talk about how you wish to submit and offering that over voluntarily expresses how you love the relationship and what they do for you. Again, you don’t have to wait for the Dominant to tell you to create a ritual or process for doing something. I’ve gained so many rituals just by starting it and having him say he really likes it.

If you have gotten lazy in your rules, start really digging in and doing them before you get in trouble. Don’t let their distraction sway you. You want to serve, that’s why you are in this relationship so serve. Your submission just might deepen their Dominance and the rededication can you an exchange, just as it should be.

Lastly, remember to say thank you when you do these things. Make it about them. We take too much for granted anymore. Don’t let your relationship become one of those things. Relationships build because we work at them, show how much you appreciate everything they do and you will also reap the rewards.

How do you show your gratitude to your Dominant?

photo by FernR

Submissive Chat Night 11/17/09: Negotiation and Common Sense

It’s time for another Submissive Chat Night! This is a repeat of a chat that was rescheduled due to illness.

When: Nov 17th at 8pm CST. It is expected to last about 1 1/2 hours.

Topic: Negotiations and Common Sense

Optional Pre-reading:

• Ouch is Not a Safe Word: Safe Words, Limits and Scene Protocol
• Limits and Negotiations
• Establishing Limits: Going Full Circle
• Can I Get That In Writing: Basics of Negotiations
• Article on Negotiations

Some chat night rules, up for discussion.

1. I would like to be able to post the edited chat log for the discussion on this website and will put it up for a vote every chat night. Vote will decide for that night only.
2. Dominant bashing will not be allowed. Gossip is not welcome. Using people’s full names, or those of people not in the chat will be subject to banning for the duration of the discussion. Please don’t make me use my powers. I’d like to keep this comfortable for everyone; even those not present.

How to get to the chat room

The chat room is attached to this site under the Resources link at the top, or you can click this link here. You will want to click on that big CHAT image to open the chat room. It will ask for your nickname and then automatically connect you to the chat room. It is open all the time, so if you want to meet some people, hang out in there. I try to be there when I’m at my computer too.

If you use an IRC desktop client you can connect to the server directly. Here is the information you need to find the room:

Server: irc.mibbit.com
Port: 6667
Channel: #submissive-guide

Questions? Let me know. Otherwise I hope to see a lot of you there on Tuesday!

Submissive and Slave: A Personal View

This post was written by Rayne. You can follow her twitter for active and interesting conversation.

I’m pretty big on book definitions. So for me, the word “submissive” has always been an adjective describing a personality trait. When I got involved in BDSM, it became, for me, a heading, of sorts, describing a group of people.

Under the heading of submissive, there are three main labels I – and others – use to describe the bottom half of the totem pole in BDSM relationships. Generally speaking, each label delineates a level of submission. How much control the person has given to their dominant. Because there is no set standard (How could there be?) of how much or how little submission one must give to be considered submissive, we instead give the different levels of submission names to aid in communication. A way of getting an idea of how much or how little control the submissive is willing to give up without having to get to know them.

In the grand scheme of things, one is not better than the other, except for the person in question. They’re just different.

Generally speaking, we call someone who is only submissive in the bedroom or at play parties and such a bottom. They are not interested in giving up total control. They enjoy being dominated sexually – or sometimes just being bound and hurt without involving sex at all – but really have no interest in being controlled on a regular basis. This group of submissive people leaves their submission at the door of their play space.

A lot of people start out here. Being the bottom of a scene is often a gateway. A place where people discover deeper, more submissive desires. I was a bottom before I was a sub and sub before slave. A lot of submissive people I know followed that progression. Not everyone, though.

People occasionally shorten “submissive” when specifically discussing this next group to avoid confusion. It’s a running joke, in the community, that a “sub” is a sandwich, and you’ll occasionally hear people talking about wanting roast beef and provolone on theirs. But since the first day M dragged me onto IRC, using “sub” has been my way of making it clear I am talking about this particular level of submission and not submissive people as a whole.

So what’s a sub? That’s where it gets tricky. Because the line between sub and slave is rather fine and blurs a lot. People often use “submissive” and “slave” interchangeably. But they are not the same thing.

A sub is someone who still retains some control, but is in service to someone else. They have the right to say no and walk away at any time. They have a safe word. They have limits. They’re not owned.

An article I read recently described it best when it said “A submissive is a volunteer. A slave is not.”

A slave is owned. That’s probably the only constant. Some slaves have safe words. Some do not. Some slaves have negotiated limits. Some do not. Some slaves have submissive personalities. Some are only submissive with the one who owns them. Some slaves have given up their right to leave, or consented to having it taken from them. Some retain the right to walk out the door whenever they choose.

Legally, we all have that right. Some of us just choose not to acknowledge it.

In my perfect world, a slave is someone without limits or safe words. A slave is someone who opens himself or herself completely to his or her owner. Complete transparency. Total power exchange. He or she doesn’t have a choice.

But in my reality, it’s illegal to own another human being. Some states don’t recognize consent. In the interest of keeping the owner out of prison, the submissive is allowed to negotiate the rules. Even I can’t or don’t always live up to my perfect world. So it doesn’t surprise me that others don’t, can’t or aren’t interested.

Some say the difference between a submissive and a slave has nothing whatever to do with how much control one gives up or how submissive one is. That it’s in one’s actions. In the way the slave obeys without question or hesitation. In the respect in the slave’s voice when he or she speaks with his or her owner. In the way the slave knows what the owner needs almost before the owner does. But I’ve known some submissives to show their dominants more respect than some slaves show their owners.

A submissive is someone who submits willingly, sometimes on a case by case basis, to the will of another. A slave is someone who is wholly controlled and owned by another. That’s really the sum of it.

Rayne is a loving slave with sadistic tendencies and masochistic desires. Chaos incarnate. The girl your mother warned you about.  She writes toy reviews and blogs about being a 24/7 medium protocol slave to her husband Melen at Insatiable Desire (http://www.insatiabledesire.com/), along with four other bloggers involved in the lifestyle.  She also guest write a series that is a basic look at M/s at Eden Cafe (http://www.edencafe.com/) with a number of other authors who write about various sex-positive subjects.

photo by BL1961

Using Contracts to Negotiate a Relationship

When you get married, you have to legally sign a document attesting to your decision to be married. The legal document can come in many forms but most have a brief section about what each party declares for the union, how they will treat each other and how commitment will be displayed (change of names usually). In a D/s relationship it is not unfamiliar to also draft a contract in which to declare your intentions with each other. These are not required, of course, and some people will proclaim the invalidity of these documents to anyone who will listen.

I feel that the creation of a contract has some very useful and valuable  importance to a growing relationship.

What are D/s contracts?

A contract is a document written up by one or both parties entering a relationship. This contract specifies the responsibilities of the people involved. It is not a standard operating procedures document and should not list all of the rules you are to be given. The important new behaviors can be listed, such as how each person should be addressed and basic behavior required of each. Keep your rules and protocol or procedures to a separate, easily changed document.

A contract has a set start and ending date. This can be a short term agreement such as for a weekend or it can be a renewable contract on an agreed upon date or annually. D/s contracts can also be permanent in nature, but for the purpose of this essay I will be covering renewable contracts.

Can we put anything we want in them?

As I stated earlier, the contract is not for every small measure of control in the relationship. It is a declaration of the commitment you both wish to have and basic means for expressing certain term changes, violations in the contract and means for dismissal. If you feel you need to write up a long list of rules at the get go, don’t. Submission is a learning process and handing someone a book and saying memorize it by tomorrow just isn’t going to happen. For this reason, the rules and structure of the relationship should be in a different, living document.

I strongly suggest D/s contracts be drafted for each relationship. Using a default one is nice to start, but you will encounter areas that you want to customize for the relationship each time you sign the contract. Use other people’s contracts as an example, but just like your relationship; it’s different so only use it for inspiration.

Are they legally binding?

D/s relationship contracts are not legally binding. They have no validity in court and you can not use them for disputes after a relationship ends. Contracts of this nature are more about the spiritual connection, the emotional and physical commitment established by the people signing it. They are morally binding. This makes it very special to the people involved.

Why should I consider the use of a contract?

You should consider the use of a contract if you are in a temporary situation and are taking a collar for a short duration. This provides an element of dedication to the experience you wish to enjoy and also lays down a foundation for how the term will play out.

Contracts also give a sense of importance to the relationship. You may feel a stronger need to work hard at problems as they arise because you have a contract. You may also feel more committed to achieving everything laid out so that your contract will be renewed.

How do I draft a contract?

Since D/s contracts are not legally binding they can take on any form that you wish them to. They can be laid out like a business contract or they can be hand-written forms that are signed. It depends on what kind of relationship you are looking for on what kind will work best for you.

Start out by making a list of all the things you think are important to have in the contract. Then go through the list and decide which ones belong in the rules list instead. Rules that could potentially evolve or diminish are good for the rules list, but not for the contract.

Then have your partner look at your list and work together to add or subtract items as necessary. Once you have an agreed list, write it up in full sentences. Decide on how long the contract should remain in effect and how a renewal is to take place; whether that be an amendment to this contract or a new drafted contract. Add a declaration at the top. Something like the following is basic and works in any situation.

We, the undersigned, declare to abide by the following items below with full commitment and awareness of our role in these items during the term this contract is in effect from [start date] to [end date].

Then make a space so that you can sign and date it. Then actually sign and date it.

What do I do if my partner breaks the contract?

How did you decide to handle violations in the contract? If you didn’t define how things were going to be resolved then it’s dependent upon you to decide what to do. The contract should have a stipulation about what to do with a violation of the contract. This can be from a re-evaluation up to a termination of the contract. It’s completely up to you. Since it’s not legally binding, the people involved are the only ones responsible for carrying this out.

Where can I find examples of a D/s contract?

If you are interested in seeing what other people have come up with for their D/s contracts, you can usually find some interesting variations. Here’s a few that I came up with while looking for research materials.

When Protocol Becomes Boring

Protocol. It can be a scary word if you are new to submission. In a relationship, it is likely that you will have some protocol established to control your behavior. So, what is protocol? Simply defined, protocol is the set of special rules that you follow for defined situations that remind you of your place in the relationship. Every relationship is different and will have a different level of protocol. One of my first protocol rules was to call my Dominant ‘Master’ when in private and lifestyle event situations. It was a simple change in my normal behavior and a reminder of my place in the relationship.

As the protocols developed I was so excited to finally be doing what I had dreamed about and read in so many BDSM fiction books. I was living with rules and protocol and my mindset thrived. I felt so good about my place in the relationship and the happiness that Master displayed at my success. The pleasure I felt wasn’t just sexual it was like a part of my soul was finally being satisfied.

It didn’t last. After a few months I started to feel less happy about my protocol. It felt less like bliss and more like a chore. I had lost the attachment to WHY the protocol was in place to begin with; the reminder of my place in the relationship. The honeymoon period was over. Things got really rocky in our relationship because the effort involved in doing the protocol got more and more difficult for me, and the stress he experienced was just as bad.

What happened?

I lost focus for why the rules and protocols existed in the first place. I stopped feeling my submission when I obeyed and began rebelling with what I had gotten so used to doing for joy. I started looking to those fiction stories I’ve read for some sort of answer to my loss in vision. Why couldn’t I make the fantasy my reality? I was very stuck with that thought.

So what did I do?

Talk about it: I first approached my Dominant and explained to him how I was feeling and expressed that I didn’t like what had happened to me and us. We have a very open communication stream and it didn’t come as a surprise to him that this conversation was occurring. We talked about how long I had been feeling off task and also some ideas of what I could do to get back on track. It wasn’t an easy conversation as the fault, which is hard for me to take, was all mine.

The fantasy was just that; fantasy. I had to find my own reality in the protocols. I had to seek the happiness I once had and hang on to it. I started reviewing my rules on a daily basis. I developed a meditation routine to do to keep my submission blossoming. I learned how to self-correct my behavior before it became noticeable.

Most importantly, I made it a priority to create my own reality; one that would work better than trying to live a fantasy. It’s a constant work in progress and I still have my bad and good days. I know it will get better. One day I will be living as I’ve dreamed and the peace that I strive for everyday will find me.

photo by lepiaf.geo

Chat Night Transcript From What is Service Talk

lunaKM> So, first I’d like to get some impression about how new you are to submission. Could you please tell me how long you have been exploring submission and if you are in a relationship right now?

lunaKM> hello aquamuse

aquamuse> Hello, I’m new of course.

eagerslut> I am in a relationship and just recently discovered I am submissive and asked my master to teach me. Previously he had other subs

selene1123> i am currently in a 24/7 m/s relationship…have been exploring submission for about 6 months

aquamuse> I am in my first positive and healthy D/s relationship now with a man who is just discovering how much he likes it when I do what he asks.

aquamuse> about 6 months.

eagerslut> We always have had a sexual d/s relationship but 2 wks ago i discovered I wanted a 24/7

pleasure> i am in a 24/7 D/s relationship for over 6 years now…..i am 53 and in the lifestyle 6 1/2 years

bc26_2> i have only been doing this since march of this year and i am in a D/s relationship for that same amount of time

lunaKM> I’ve been living 24/7 for 5 years, just so you know ;)

pleasure> smiles

eagerslut> :O:

lunaKM> Ok, so we have a range of experience levels. thank you so much for sharing with me.

pleasure> it’s an ever evolving lifestyle and growth, no matter how long one has been in it

eagerslut> That is what I believe

lunaKM> Now, what do you think service is to you? No answer is wrong.

selene1123> To me, service is anything i physically do for Master’s purpose or enjoyment

aquamuse> I’m going to venture here and say service is being totally available, open and willing to comply. This assumes my basic needs are taken care of and put to the side for the time being.

eagerslut> Doing something for someone that would make them happy,even if you don’t feel like doing it. Giving your heart and soul to please that person

pleasure> nick/pleasure…….service/submission..is all the same to me…what ever makes my Sir life easier, happier…and i might add that i am actually more a slave

lunaKM> I’ve always believed that service is a part of my submission and what I give to my Master on a daily basis. Service is, to me, the activities that help the house run, our life be enjoyable and the basic needs met.

pleasure> yes exactly luna

eagerslut> That is very true

lunaKM> But I had someone explain to me yesterday on my recent post that they believe service is separate from submission

lunaKM> and I really like that explanation she gave too.

bc26_2> i agree with service being anything that makes the house run and enjoyable…even when my Mistress is not here

selene1123> i see service as the physical representation of my emotion submission

selene1123> *emotional

aquamuse> I like that selene1123

lunaKM> I’m going to quote it here… CarrieAnn said: To me, service and submission are different. Service is something I do because I’m required to or even want to but doesn’t necessarily require that I submit to anything or anyone. I can not have a submissive bone in my body and still serve. Submission is more direct; surrender to his will, submission to his dominance. The two often merge but are not always one and the same.
eagerslut> I like that too

bc26_2> oh i like that too

pleasure> yes i like that

eagerslut> I can see that point

lunaKM> So as you can see for some of us they are the same thing, but for others they are separate

lunaKM> Perhaps that is why I see people identify as service submissives?

eagerslut> As is everything in life we are all different and we interpret things differently,from our own background

eagerslut> I like that term

bc26_2> i feel that i am in service to many — myself, my Mistress, my daughter at some level…but i submit to only my Mistress

lunaKM> If we can agree that service is likely to be activities and not emotional in nature then perhaps we can come up with a list of things that are service?

aquamuse> I can agree with the definition.

eagerslut> I am a nurse so I feel I service others on a daily basis but I submit to my MAster .

bc26_2> i agree

lunaKM> alright so is my daily coffee preparation for my Master service or submission?

lunaKM> How about the daily chores?

pleasure> i am a nurse too,as like eager, i only submit to my Sir

eagerslut> C

selene1123> i would consider daily tasks or chores service

aquamuse> by definiton – these are examples of serice.

eagerslut> keeping the house clean

selene1123> but why you do it and how you do it is an aspect of submission

eagerslut> making sure my Masters children are taken care of

pleasure> laundry, making the bed..keeping the house clean is all service…

* lunaKM nods

lunaKM> Is sex a form of service?

eagerslut> BAking.massages,listening

aquamuse> baby making?

pleasure> my Sir has set in rules for a clean house

pleasure> yes i believe that would be a service aqua

selene1123> sex to me is a form of service

pleasure> i agree selene

eagerslut> Yes I think sex is a form of service,but I love it so much it definitely isn’t a chore

pleasure> no chore here either lol

aquamuse> hehe

lunaKM> Are all things service related as chores though?

pleasure> service doesn’t have to be something enjoyed

lunaKM> I’d think that there are some things you do that you enjoy just as much as sex as service.

aquamuse> I have things like workouts and keeping a calendar updated – are these service by our definition?

pleasure> no i don’t think all things service related are chores

eagerslut> I hate to cook but I do it because my Master loves it when I do. He generally does most of the cooking but I know he is very pleased when I do

lunaKM> I believe so aqua

selene1123> service itself is enjoyable to me…even if the act i am performing may not be

lunaKM> For me that’s hard to get in touch with selene1123. I’m quite expressive in my face and even if I try not to show my displeasure at a task he tends to figure it out.

bc26_2> i agree with you selene

pleasure> yes but you are still serving luna

aquamuse> me too selene1123

lunaKM> heh, I hear that a lot from him also :P

eagerslut> I do also

lunaKM> Next thought…. do all submissives serve and do all that serve submit?

pleasure> no

eagerslut> No

aquamuse> no

bc26_2> no

lunaKM> In what way can we describe the separation?

pleasure> it’s clearly upon each individual and the circumstances of the relationship

eagerslut> I think they are interchangable

pleasure> i don’t think there is line to divide the two….they do intertwine at times for many of us

selene1123> some may serve out of necessity or arrangement (like a stay-at-home mother or father) but that doesn’t mean they are submitting

pleasure> very true

eagerslut> Yes I agree

pleasure> to submit for me is doing something i detest….and yet serving

pleasure> does that make sense ?

lunaKM> Why do you think service is held in such a high place when Dominants talk about what they would like in a partner?

lunaKM> It does pleasure.

eagerslut> I think serving is a task you can do for anyone and submission is giving your being over to your Master.

eagerslut> To establish routines

pleasure> first of all….Dominates…are predominately Male….and have different ideas and thoughts as to what serving is…it’s what and how They define it

aquamuse> I know my Lover simply enjoys the idea that I obey him in simple requests. I think the power of that has suprised him.

eagerslut> To esatblish who is in control

selene1123> i agree with eagerslut – to emphasize who has the reins in the relationship

aquamuse> I agree too with eagerslut

lunaKM> I think that since service is what they can see immediately as a result of their dominance that they tend to place that a bit higher in importance

lunaKM> submission may not be immediate, but you can serve

eagerslut> Yes how true

pleasure> yes

aquamuse> that idea works for me luna.

selene1123> i can see that

pleasure> there are those that identify as bottoms..they serve..but don’t submit

lunaKM> So is the desire to serve natural or something learned?

eagerslut> Both

aquamuse> for me it seems to be natural.

pleasure> one can only answer for themselves….for me it natural…and yet i feel it can be learned

eagerslut> Some come by it naturally but anyone can learn to serve if they desire

lunaKM> it’s completely learned for me. and it’s not coming easy, that’s for sure

bc26_2> it depends – it is natural for me

aquamuse> I read your bio today.

lunaKM> which one aquamuse?

selene1123> yes, it depends on the person…i’ve always felt the need to serve, though i never really had an outlet before Master

eagerslut> I am a mixture. I have some inherent ability to serve but I can be very selfish at times

aquamuse> Luna.

lunaKM> Oh I meant which site did you read it on

eagerslut> I agree with selene

pleasure> i am a nurse..to serve is natural….

aquamuse> Yours Luna, you mentioned that the whole submissive thing was contrary to your persona? I hope I got that right?

lunaKM> yeah, I’ve had to do some rewiring. It goes opposite to how I was raised.

lunaKM> I get the greatest thrill though when I do something in full submission mode though.

aquamuse> on the Submissive Guide

lunaKM> Which is probably why I’ve stuck with it.

eagerslut> i always thought taht being liberated and independent I couldn’t be submissive but I have found that since I have given myself over to it I am more liberated

lunaKM> There were a good 6 months I considered going Domme. ;)

pleasure> i lived in a marriage of 23 yrs, and didn’t realize till after my divorce that he was controlling..not Dominate ..there is a difference..and to the way one submits to each

bc26_2> can you describe what you mean by full submission mode

aquamuse> * smiles*

pleasure> you are free now to be who you really are inside

eagerslut> Yes controlling is different My first husband was a controller

selene1123> i agree eagerslut…Master likes to make fun of the fact that i am a feminist submissive

lunaKM> full submission mode for me is when I’m given a task and as I’m performing it, no matter what that is, I feel a peace, like all the pieces fit just right, a perfection at my choices in life.

lunaKM> I’d like to attain that as permanently as possible, but right now it’s just fits and starts.

eagerslut> You explained that beautifully

eagerslut> I will strive for that

bc26_2> nice

lunaKM> I get like a buzzing in my head almost when I get there, and my heart swells in my chest. It’s grand.

aquamuse> I wan’t that too.

pleasure> good way to explain it luna……for myself, luna, i call that “focus”

lunaKM> yeah, it is a focus, sure!

selene1123> to me, it’s a moment of perfect connection with Master

pleasure> smiles

eagerslut> :)

lunaKM> Do any of you provide any unique service to your Dominant?

eagerslut> I remodeled his home,laid tile

pleasure> well….grins ..everything from toweling Him dry after a shower..to tying of His shoes

bc26_2> wow – you go

eagerslut> Had to go to Home depot to learn that

pleasure> Dom Depot lol

eagerslut> ;)

lunaKM> Master loans me out to the BDSM communities around us when calls for volunteers are needed for events. I’ve folded pamphlets to checking people in at the door and serving as hostess.

lunaKM> He’s not as … outgoing as I am… so he says I go in his place :P

selene1123> i act as His personal assistant…He hates writing, remembering appts, anything like that so i kinda “manage” things for Him

lunaKM> I am also Master’s chauffeur. He never drives

eagerslut> I get him out of the house to exercise he hates to get going but enjoys it once he does

eagerslut> Mine hates to drive also

* lunaKM chuckles I wish I could do that for my Owner. He just says watching me is enough workout.

pleasure> we mentor others in the lifestyle..and i have given classes as other Doms request Their subs/slaves need training in areas of service that the Dom is not able to do

pleasure> (at)

lunaKM> I suppose Submissive Guide is a service I provide too

pleasure> oh yes luna !! smiles

eagerslut> Yes it helps me

pleasure> a service to all that reads it

aquamuse> Good service!

selene1123> very informative for the new slave!

bc26_2>  agreed

pleasure> being in the lifestyle for over 6 years now, but i am still a child learning my way

lunaKM> Like eagerslut said, she had to learn something in order to serve in a way or another. What have you went out to learn so that you could serve better?

pleasure> i took geisha classes ! lol

eagerslut> I love to learn and feel like I would wither away if I am not learning

lunaKM> what are geisha classes like?

pleasure> learn grace, pose …..

eagerslut> Oh I would love to do a geisha class

bc26_2> i am putting together a list for my Mistress now on things I need to learn

aquamuse> I learned the theory’s of lifting weights and started workout out.

lunaKM> oh lordy, Master would so have me in a grace and poise class in a

heartbeat.

bc26_2> lol

pleasure> it was fantastic….a part of me woke up, literally…..seeing His eyes the first time i walked in the room with out plunking down on the floor at His feet lol

eagerslut> I love the grace of a geisha. my Master lived in Okinawa and he is into that

selene1123> Master has discussed sending me to geisha classes, but the closest ones are almost 6 hours away :(

eagerslut> :(

lunaKM> awesome I doubt there are any around me, but I’m sure I can find some reference materials online ;)

aquamuse> I read that book about Gehsha. Loved it!

pleasure> google it selene…there are online sites that have wonderful tips, ect

eagerslut> I’ll do that also

aquamuse> I believe beauty is a service.

eagerslut> I have been practicing yoga and getting into position gracefully

pleasure> i may be in jeans and t-shirt one day , dirty in garden dust….but i have a feeling..of being sexy…

pleasure> oh yes i agree aqua

selene1123> definitely aqua

eagerslut> I feel sexy when I think of my Master

pleasure> taking pride in your appearance

lunaKM> Alright, anything else you’d like to cover about service?

bc26_2> yes, taking pride in appearance

eagerslut> Appearance is very important

eagerslut> I love shaving and getting ready to see him

eagerslut> He loves for me to wear dresses and heels.The heels are definately a service

selene1123> haha, my Master is the opposite

pleasure> i shave daily, sometimes twice if we are having company, for a teaching session for others ….shaving is a daily service for many subs/slaves

selene1123> i wear dresses and heels all the tim, so He likes me to wear jeans and sneakers

pleasure> your behavior…just as appearance reflects service….and it reflects back to Your Dom/Master

eagerslut> Yes my Master has already informed me of that. To speak succinctly when asked a question and to think before I speak

pleasure> yes and in a quiet tone…..

pleasure> in geisha training, words are not needed

pleasure> it’s your body that speaks for you

pleasure> the way you move….kneeling down to tie His shoe, He knows i have arthritis in both knees..that is service though painful for me

eagerslut> true

lunaKM> Well ladies that is all I have for tonight. I can stay for another half hour to chat so I’m going to open the floor for free chat if anyone would like to stay.

eagerslut> I’m going to have to get a geisha outfit now

bc26_2> thank you very much for the chat luna

eagerslut> That you for your insight luna

aquamuse> Thank you luna.

Also might interest you

Simply Service Newsletter

The Challenges of Being Kajira in Today’s Society

Today’s guest post is by dina from Kajiradreams. You can also read her post on what it’s like to be an owned kajira and a kajira’s strengths and misconceptions.

Submissive Chat Night 9/22/09: Subspace and Subdrop

It’s time for another Submissive Chat Night!

When: Sept 22nd at 8pm CST. It is expected to last about 1 1/2 hours.

Topic: Subspace and Subdrop

Optional Pre-reading:

• What is Subspace – pdf format
• Going Deep: Topspace, Bottomspace and Sado-erotic Ecstacy
• Moving within Space
• Sub Drop
• Sub Drop

Some chat night rules, up for discussion.

1. Right now I have the room set that it will be moderated during chat night. Dominants are welcome at anytime, but will not be able to speak publicly during discussion hours. I want to make this a comfortable place for submissives to come together to talk but I also don’t want to say that Dominants are not allowed to attend.
2. I would like to be able to post the edited chat log for the discussion on this website and will put it up for a vote every chat night. Vote will decide for that night only.
3. Dominant bashing will not be allowed. Gossip is not welcome. Using people’s full names, or those of people not in the chat will be subject to banning for the duration of the discussion. Please don’t make me use my powers. I’d like to keep this comfortable for everyone; even those not present.

How to get to the chat room

The chat room is attached to this site under the Resources link at the top, or you can click this link here. You will want to click on that big CHAT image to open the chat room. It will ask for your nickname and then automatically connect you to the chat room. It is open all the time, so if you want to meet some people, hang out in there. I try to be there when I’m at my computer too.

If you use an IRC desktop client you can connect to the server directly. Here is the information you need to find the room:

Server: irc.bdsm-net.com
Port: 6667
Channel: #submissive-guide

Questions? Let me know. Otherwise I hope to see a lot of you there on Tuesday!

Submissive Chat Night 8/25/09: BDSM and Sex

I’m happy to announce the start of bi-weekly chat nights here on Submissive Guide. I have found a web based chat room that is just what I want. It connects to an IRC chat room so if you already use IRC, feel free to use that client instead. I’ll give you both ways to connect here in a moment. I have decided that Tuesday nights are when I’m available to moderate chat night so from now on expect that there will be discussion in the chat room at least on every other Tuesday nights. I plan to announce the topic for the discussion on Thursdays for the following Tuesday. That gives you all weekend to do some reading (yes there will be optional homework) so that you can come to the discussion ready to talk!

The first one is August 25th at 8pm CST. It is expected to last about 1 1/2 hours.

Topic: Sex and BDSM – are they one in the same?

Optional Pre-reading:

• Sex and the BDSM scene
• BDSM and Sex
• Is BDSM sex or not?

Some chat night rules, up for discussion.

1. Right now I have the room set that it will be moderated during chat night. Dominants are welcome at anytime, but will not be able to speak publicly during discussion hours. I want to make this a comfortable place for submissives to come together to talk but I also don’t want to say that Dominants are not allowed to attend.
2. I would like to be able to post the edited chat log for the discussion on this website and will put it up for a vote every chat night. Vote will decide for that night only.
3. Dominant bashing will not be allowed. Gossip is not welcome. Using people’s full names, or those of people not in the chat will be subject to banning for the duration of the discussion. Please don’t make me use my powers. I’d like to keep this comfortable for everyone; even those not present.

How to get to the chat room

The chat room is attached to this site under the Resources link at the top, or you can click this link here. You will want to click on that big CHAT image to open the chat room. It will ask for your nickname and then automatically connect you to the chat room. It is open all the time, so if you want to meet some people, hang out in there. I try to be there when I’m at my computer too.

If you use an IRC desktop client you can connect to the server directly. Here is the information you need to find the room:

Server: irc.bdsm-net.com
Port: 6667
Channel: #submissive-guide

Questions? Let me know. Otherwise I hope to see a lot of you there on Tuesday!

A Lesson in Control with Self-Punishment

Each and every day there is the chance to scew up and be disobedient. Luckily, most of us won’t break rules every single day but when we do we know that punishment will come swiftly and precisely. That is, unless you are an online submissive. Then there are a few other steps to having punishment carried out and most likely that involves you doing the punishment by direction.

Every submissive I know, including myself, hates to get into trouble, but it’s going to happen. We have to admit that there will be times of backsliding, pushing limits and general disobedience in our learning. It’s a part of growth. This doesn’t mean we are more or less submissive or that we don’t deserve the collar we wear. It just means we need that bit of focus that punishment affords us. Don’t think of punishment as something bad, but as something to help us grow inward.

Punishment really can be a good thing.

While most of the following ideas are used mainly in online relationships, they can and are used in face-to-face relationships as well. Feel free to add your own thoughts as well. I would like to point out that communication is key in any relationship and negotiation of these issues is important. A Dominant must not violate your limits or agreed terms during punishment. Also, punishment is not to be enjoyed by either party in order for it to work correctly. It is difficult for sex to be a good punishment because of this.

Essays

Now, for those submissives in an online relationship punishment takes on a variety of tasks. Most common is the essay. The essay can be about anything that the Dominant feels would benefit the submissive in improving their behavior.  In most cases I have seen essays about the specific infraction used the most.

Many online submissives have blogs where they post their completed work. Others use email to send their completed essay to their Dominant. I know I used the email method when I was online only, but eventually those essays ended up on my blog as well. Reading old essays has helped me see where my mind was at in various times of my submission.

Writing lines is another form of essay punishment that can be a reinforcement tool. Handwriting lines in a book is a physical reminder as well as a mental one that you have disobeyed and are being punished.

It’s easy to see that the proof that you fulfilled your punishment is the resulting paper or set of lines. This is why it is a good punishment tool for those online relationships.

Sexual Chastisement

Punishment in this form can be instructed to wear a sexual aid for a period of time, no orgasms for a time frame or any other form of control that the Dominant can take away as part of your punishment for misbehaving.

A common punishment in my Dominant’s house is wearing a butt plug or ben wa balls while out, forbidding orgasms for a time or making me do something sexual that doesn’t appeal to me (but isn’t a limit).

The delicate thing about this form of punishment is that if the Dominant uses something that they want you to start enjoying then it could set a negative vibe about it once the activity is employed for pleasure instead of punishment. Sexual punishments should be used with care if used at all.

For online relationships, these things may be carried out while on web cam or chatting directly. With built up trust, these things can also be done with camera proof or maintaining communication.

Lecture

No one ever looked forward to a lecture from their parents. Having to sit down and listen to your Dominant tell you that you were disobedient is just as scary. Having to hear a long drawn out message is even worse. You can feel horrible and that’s the point. Driving it home is the purpose. Listen to your Dominant during lectures, don’t tune them out.

Privilege Restriction

In essence this is like being grounded. The Dominant can take away favorite foods, set a bedtime, allow only a certain number of text messages per day or can make clothing requirements. Anything that you take for granted can be taken away from you. Punishments of this sort are quite common in face-to-face relationships as they can be policed easier that way.

Online ‘Public’ Punishment

Used mostly online as the title describes, this would be going to a chat room or other online BDSM venue where others are and declaring your misdeed and receiving chastisement in front of other people.

This is also possible in face-to-face relationships. I’ve read of submissives wearing signs at parties about thier misbehavior and what punishment they are under. There are many creative ways to be punished in BDSM public and if your relationship allows for this form of activity then the Dominant may deploy it to teach you a lesson.

Proof

For an online or long distance relationship, part of the frustration of both parties is the proof that the punishment was carried out. Unlike the essay option where there is physical proof that it was completed other punishment may require the use of technology.

• Web Cam or Digital Photo – Used when an image is necessary to see that the punishment was carried out. This can be helpful in most any instance of self punishment.
• Other Documentation of Self-Punishment Obedience – things like calendars, text messages, emails and voice messages can help provide proof that you have obeyed.
• Anything else? What other ideas do you have as ways to prove you obeyed and the sentence was carried out?

photo by apesara

Coming Clean: Admitting Your Disobedience

We all have those little voices in our head that tell us what to do. Sometimes it tries to convince us that our disobedience is okay.  The voices are very convincing at times and then we have guilt riding with us until we come clean. Perhaps you’ve heard these voices yourself:

“Come on, he won’t see me have this Pepsi I’m not supposed to have. I can drink it before he comes home and no one need know.”

“As long as it looks like I cleaned the kitchen he won’t care, I can bend the rules a bit with this one.”

“He won’t know that I didn’t go to bed on time if I stay off the computer; I’m not ready to sleep just yet.”

These are simple voices, but only you know how far your voices go to stray you from the path of your personal submission.

If you give in to the voices you have a choice to make. You can keep it a secret and live with the guilt until it eats you up so much that you just have to tell them. By then the infraction isn’t only that you had a pop, for example, but that you hid it from them, perhaps even lied to keep them from finding out and you are in deep deep trouble. Or you can do the good submissive thing and admit your misdeed as soon as you can. The sooner the better.

Honesty is always the best policy, even if that means you are going to be in trouble for a time for disobeying. The pain of guilt and added punishment is far far worse. Coming clean isn’t easy. It means admitting to the person you serve that you didn’t take their rules seriously enough to obey them. It means that you failed them.

The level of the failure varies on the infraction, but admitting it to your Dominant does give you some level of uplift when the punishment is handed down. I’ve even had my Dominant tell me that since I brought it to him so quickly that my punishment would be less. If you count sitting in the kitchen facing the microwave for 15 mins as less (ugh I hate time out).

Coming clean does not mean you can listen to those voices again. You need to learn from your mistakes and make a concious choice not to do it again.

How do you come clean? What is the longest you held something in and how did you get disciplined for it? Share your story so that others may learn from your trials.

photo by Robyn Gallagher

The Roundtable: D/s with Kids At Home

Every so often I want to open up the blog for you to share and teach me on a topic that I don’t know a lot about. This is your chance to teach me and the other readers of this blog. I encourage you to comment, subscribe to the comments and keep coming back to add more insights.

This month I’d like to discuss D/s or BDSM with kids in the home. This isn’t saying how to do these things while the kids are in the next room, but how do you balance your power exchange and play plans around your commitment to your children and home life?

• What considerations do you have to have in place to keep kids from finding out too soon?
• Do you play while the children are at home, how do you prevent them from finding out
• How do you change some of your rules when children are present?
• Do you have any unique explanations that you have given kids when they ask about certain relationship aspects? (Like why you always call him Sir or only sit on the floor, for example)
• What are your thoughts about being more open about your relationship to your children. Is there an age where they can start to accept your roles?
• Anything else you’d like to add?

kaya wrote a really good post a long while ago about her kids finding some of their toys. I’d recommend you read it and comment. Just remember to come back here!

Handling an Addiction While in Service

Those of you who read my blog already know this, but for most of you this will be news. I have an addiction. At the end of last month I came to the realization that I am a binge eater and secret eater. I’m addicted to food and the way it makes me feel. While I’m sure this may not be anything like a drug addiction or alcohol I don’t have experience with them so I can’t write about them. I can write about how my Master and I are dealing with this addiction and my recovery.

When I realized that I had been hiding this secret life of mine from Master I was terrified. I could be ending my relationship with him once I told him that I had been lying for months about what I had been doing out of his sight. Lying is a cardinal offense in our relationship, but I couldn’t go on lying to him. He took it really hard but told me that he would help me get better and that we would be better. I was punished for the lying and immediately I knew he meant business when one of my new rules was that he would handle all the money. He took my debit and credit cards and all the available cash I had. I would have to ask for money to do anything and give him receipts when I returned home. He would start paying attention to everything I spent money on.

Let me tell you that I hated the idea that I couldn’t grab a snack while at the store or a shake on the way home. I dreaded going to the grocery store or anywhere alone after that. What if I was weak and binged anyway and didn’t care if he knew it?  What if I just couldn’t do it?

He’s been very watchful. He tracks everything and asks me everyday if I was good and didn’t cheat. I’m honest with him about it. I will get better with his help and support. I think I have more likelihood of success with him than if I were doing it outside of a D/s dynamic. There is something about the way we function that gives me hope and I can’t explain it. He is strict. He won’t allow me to be lazy about it. He cares for my health and will make sure that I get the help that I can to beat this.

Moreso he will correct me if I do something that sets me back. Failure is not an option with him. Setbacks are meant to be corrected swiftly and then we figure out what will make it better.

I know that an eating disorder isn’t treated the same way as alcoholism or a drug addiction. I can’t just stop taking my drug of choice. I mean an alcoholic just learns not to drink alcohol, drug addicts break their habit. I just can’t stop eating food. I have to learn to control the emotions I’m feeling while eating. I have to make sure that I’m eating at approved times and in approved portions. I will constantly be watching what I eat so that I don’t overdo it.

I’m not handling it well. I like micromanagement but I hate this. I hate that I can’t control this and that’s why he has to micromanage me.  I don’t want to be this way forever. I just want to be healthy. I feel like a hypocrite when I write here. Like because I’m not a perfect submissive I don’t have the right to write here and help you find your own way. Then I have to realize that this is one of the reasons that I make a good Guide. I have so many life experiences that I can associate with submission and hopefully I can connect with some of you in each post. I’m not perfect and that’s what makes me perfect for this blog.

I just had to get this off my chest.

I would love to know how others handle addictions while submitting to someone. What does it do to your relationship? Can you keep it strong or does it alter it negatively forever? Does anyone want to tell their story? I’ll post it here on the blog. Just send it to me at subguide@gmail.com. You can be as anonymous as you’d like.

photo by Megyarsh

Submissive Guide 2 Book Contest

In celebration of 6 months of existence and almost 200 posts here on Submissive Guide I’m excited to announce my first contest! Since Submissive Guide is all about enhancing and growing in your submission the first giveaway will be for two books from Amazon.com. The books are Erotic Slavehood: A Miss Abernathy Omnibus by Christina Abernathy and The New Bottoming Book by Janet Hardy. These are both excellent books to develop your submission and now both can be yours!

How to Enter

• Tweet this text: RT @subguide: I’m giving away Erotic Slavehood and The New Bottoming Book! Retweet to enter. Rules: http://is.gd/VVkP .
• You may tweet up to once a day. Each tweet counts as one entry. It’s up to you to decide how much you want to annoy your followers.
• You must be following me on Twitter or leave a comment on this post, so I can contact you if you win.
• I’ll give you an extra entry if you write a post on your blog about this contest. Be sure to send me the link, or reply to this post and let me know.
• The deadline is July 14th, 2009 at 11:59 p.m. CST.
• I will keep a list detailing each entry, and will be picking the winner using the List Randomizer.

Also…

• You must be willing to give me your address.
• Amazon.com ships internationally, so you don’t have to live in the U.S. to enter! Hurrah!

How to Give Good Initial Interviews

When you first start talking to a potential Dominant you go through an initial interview. A lot of times this is just a period where basic questions are asked and your answers help the Dominant gauge just how interested you are in them, how compatible you are with them and what your intelligence level is. This isn’t the right time to say that you will do whatever they ask of you or to try to insinuate that you will worship them whenever they wish. Like a job interview you want to highlight your own talents and history.

A Dominant friend of mine once said that a pet peeve of hers was when she asked a submissive what they enjoy she gets, “Whatever mistress wants,” type of answers. Short one word answers are not appropriate either unless they are a yes or no question. She calles the submissives as ’subs without preferences.’  Initial interviews can be frustrating, but not just for the submissive. The Dominant has to wade through canned responses, one word answers and submissives who appear to have no preferences, no likes or dislikes of their own and no personality. Dominants don’t want a blow up doll, they want a human being. 

Show them who you are. Discuss your likes and dislikes. Tell them honestly what you like and don’t like, what your experience level is and even who you voted for in the last election. All of these things exhibit your intelligence and eagerness to get to know a Dominant before becoming their submissive. Discuss your limits, even if they seem commonplace. Be open about your inexperience or your lack of understanding about some things. Dominants are going to want to explain things to you if you become important to them. 

Be prepared to answer basic questions. Answer them fully and completely. Tell stories if it will enhance the point. Be yourself. There is no need to try to be the perfect submissive. No Dominant is going to assume you are perfect and none are. Each person has their own perferences. But you may be close to what they are looking for.

Use in-depth questions as a way to figure out what you want from the possible relationship also. Don’t give them the answers you think they are looking for. Keep those out of the conversation. I know Dominants will stop talking to submissives if they default to generic responses.

Don’t call them Sir or Ma’am or any other title within the first interview. Many of the Dominants I talk to want to get to know you first before assuming any sort of role to  you. Keep it civil, respectable and truthful. 

Use proper grammar and spell check your writing before sending it to them. (This of course isn’t the case with spoken or face-to-face interviews.) Show you aren’t lazy and are aware of proper writing rules. Leave third person speech and lower casing i/my out of the initial interview. It’s annoying to Dominants if they do not know you.

Lastly, dress nicely. Don’t let them tell you what to wear. You aren’t submitting to them, just interviewing.

This initial interview can be your best resume and perhaps you will earn a second interview. That is the goal after all, right?