The Impact of Velcro Collars on the Symbolism

This week’s video post is about velcro collars.

To submissives, a collar is one of the most important things they have. It is a symbol of their commitment, their service and their adoration of a special someone. In most situations, the offering or begging of a collar is not taken lightly. The weight of the matter could mean a lifetime of service, the same importance of engagement or marriage and strict adherence to rules and behaviors.

However, just as there are people who go through mates like tissues, there are submissives and Dominants alike that use Velcro collars. These collars have practically no meaning to them and they hand them out or give them back without so much as a blink of the eye.

It is believed that the use of a collar like this can cheapen the meaning and symbolism for those people who hold the collar and it’s meaning in high regard to those of the community if so many others are seen to be passed around from one person to the next.

This really goes along with my thoughts on the Disposable Relationship. Too many people aren’t taking relationships seriously anymore. The value of anything to do with partnership and couples working together has diminished. We’ve become a satisfaction now society. No consequences. It’s just sad.

Now back to velcro collars…. They exist mainly online, but it’s not uncommon to find one or two people in your local community that seem to bounce around the group ‘collecting’ collars. Every time you see them they are collared to someone new. Wearing a collar becomes a game to them.

How does this impact the symbolism? In my opinion it doesn’t. The symbolism of the collar is developed by your own beliefs. Just as the wedding ring means one thing or another to someone, so does the collar. Does someone else’s many marriages impact the value of your marriage? Of course it doesn’t.

Being someone who hands out or receives collars that would define them as velcro would only impact the particular person. Sure it could make them appear needy or desperate or in the least, inexperienced.

I know that for myself, wearing a collar and being collared is the most sacred thing in our relationship. I know that if I weren’t committed to the relationship that the collar wouldn’t even be a part of our lives.

What do you think? Are velcro collars affecting the overall symbolism of collars in our society?

Review: The Surrendered Wife

This month I dived into a book full of controversy with its approach to living intimately with your husband (or partner). I read The Surrendered Wife by Laura Doyle. I didn’t read it to find the reason for the argument between feminists and the author of the book’s ideas. I read it to see what a submissive could gain from its pages.

In this quest I found a part of me that was glaringly obvious as a poor trait in submissives in general and one that I’d have to let go of it I wanted to try anything that was suggested in the best-selling self help book for women seeking intimacy and peace with a man. Master says that I started acting weird when I was reading the book so either he was sensing my shift or I just wasn’t doing it right. Most likely because I was trying to overthink the suggestions in the book.

This book is written, of course, with husband and wife being key, but I think it would work for any gender mix as long as there is a relationship established and the person reading it is ready to make changes.  Reading some of the mixed reviews I can see that a majority of the reviews I read feel that the book solidifies women into very feminine and vulnerable roles that the feminist movement was trying to break the molds of. Unlike other books emphasizing the 1950’s traditions of a man centered household, this book defines the genders and not the tasks they are ’supposed’ to be performing.

In context to submission, I think that this would be a good starter book for anyone who is coming out of a vanilla relationship or preparing to enter a D/s one when they haven’t been in one before. The Surrendered Wife will help you recognize and correct habits that may have been comfortable in your previous relationships but won’t work for a D/s style one.

The book is great in it’s ability to recognize inappropriate control situations and the ideas of how to release that control are spot on. The steps to surrendering that she explains are being respectful, receiving graciously, relinquishing control, being open for sex, expressing gratitude and practicing good self-care. I especially like how she recommends we say, “ouch’ when your partner says something to hurt you instead of taking the bait and biting them back.

Not all of the suggestions would work towards a D/s relationship, but as with everything you read it’s best to take what you can and leave the rest. A book can only be as good as what you get out of it, so for that reason I’d have to give it a relatively low rating in comparison to D/s oriented books as far as helpfulness is concerned.

However, if you are like me, and had a vanilla relationship (in my case a 5 year marriage) it might help to reaffirm your femininity and find that surrendered self that very well could be the key to opening your heart to the submission you wish to give to someone else.

Product Details

• luna’s Rating: 6/10
• Paperback: 285 pages
• Publisher: Fireside (January 8, 2001)
• Language: English
• ISBN-10: 0743204441
• ISBN-13: 978-0743204446

Interested in seeing for yourself? Buy The Surrendered Wife from Amazon.com for under $11! (Price at time of post)

5 Ways to Express Your Gratitude to Your Dominant

With Thanksgiving (USA) just around the corner I thought it would be fitting to write about gratitude, and how to express your gratitude to the one you serve. Sure you can say thank you. That’s standard. I really hope you take every opportunity to say thank  you, but what if you want a few more creative ways to show how appreciative you are to your Dominant?

Being thankful can take on many forms, and each time we feel that sensation of gratitude well up we can use a different display of appreciation. For example, thanking your Dominant for giving you an orgasm will be treated differently than if you are grateful that hold the power in your life. Orgasm gratitude is usually expressed immediately after while you may take awhile to express your feelings for the later.

Take a moment and come up with some things you are grateful in your life that you may not have had before you were in a relationship with your Dominant. How important are they to your development and your overall happiness? When was the last time you showed your appreciation for these things? Is it about time you did?

So, what ideas do you have for expressing yourself? They can be simple or elaborate, as long as they are your own. Make it honest and full of your service.

Offer

The first idea is to offer a service that you don’t normally do. It can be anything. Give a massage, bathe their feet, sexual service that you don’t pine after (for me that’s analingus). Be a foot stool, be their tax preparer. Anything that would just make their day and surprises them would fit the bill. Just remember to make it a part of yourself. Offering to pay for them to attend a salon is not the same thing, as offering yourself for a day of pampering.

Create

This idea isn’t about making something, but setting a mood. If you know your Dominant is going to coming home from a stressful day, it would be as simple as soft lights and maybe candles to help them relax and shed the outside world. Making sure the home is picked up and inviting can bring a lot of emotion attached to it. It not only shows that you care for the household possessions, but also how it makes people feel when they enter.

You can also create an atmosphere appropriate for whatever may be planned. If play is on the menu, then neatly prepare your play space. If dinner is the order of the day, setting the table as if you are in a fine restaurant can show your appreciation for a number of things.

Do

Take an idea from online for a ritual that you don’t do. Perhaps it can be kneeling and then lowering your face cheek to cheek to the floor in submission or kneeling when you bring their drink. Adding that bit of focused attention is a pleasant surprise to a Dominant and shows them that you care for how you present your submission. There is any number of things you can do in this vein. From a specific way you adopt to disrobe, to how you reply to requests in a set format. It’s not just up to the Dominant to add ritual and intensity to the relationship. Volunteering these simple steps will tell them that you thank them for the opportunity to serve them.

Make

Sure it’s quite easy to go to the store and purchase something for them, but when was the last time you made something for them? You don’t have to learn anything or have specific skills. Make a special dinner or dessert, write a card or poem, put together a photo album or mosaic. Something homemade has more meaning than a purchased item.

Coming up next week I’ll share ideas of what to give a Dominant, until then use your imagination!

Rededicate

Ultimately, this should only be done if you are really ready to deepen your relationship or there has been a lapse in the dynamic that you wish to try to repair. Again, the ritual that this involves can be simple to elaborate so let your mind develop what would work for you. Even just setting aside time to talk about how you wish to submit and offering that over voluntarily expresses how you love the relationship and what they do for you. Again, you don’t have to wait for the Dominant to tell you to create a ritual or process for doing something. I’ve gained so many rituals just by starting it and having him say he really likes it.

If you have gotten lazy in your rules, start really digging in and doing them before you get in trouble. Don’t let their distraction sway you. You want to serve, that’s why you are in this relationship so serve. Your submission just might deepen their Dominance and the rededication can you an exchange, just as it should be.

Lastly, remember to say thank you when you do these things. Make it about them. We take too much for granted anymore. Don’t let your relationship become one of those things. Relationships build because we work at them, show how much you appreciate everything they do and you will also reap the rewards.

How do you show your gratitude to your Dominant?

photo by FernR

Submissive and Slave: A Personal View

This post was written by Rayne. You can follow her twitter for active and interesting conversation.

I’m pretty big on book definitions. So for me, the word “submissive” has always been an adjective describing a personality trait. When I got involved in BDSM, it became, for me, a heading, of sorts, describing a group of people.

Under the heading of submissive, there are three main labels I – and others – use to describe the bottom half of the totem pole in BDSM relationships. Generally speaking, each label delineates a level of submission. How much control the person has given to their dominant. Because there is no set standard (How could there be?) of how much or how little submission one must give to be considered submissive, we instead give the different levels of submission names to aid in communication. A way of getting an idea of how much or how little control the submissive is willing to give up without having to get to know them.

In the grand scheme of things, one is not better than the other, except for the person in question. They’re just different.

Generally speaking, we call someone who is only submissive in the bedroom or at play parties and such a bottom. They are not interested in giving up total control. They enjoy being dominated sexually – or sometimes just being bound and hurt without involving sex at all – but really have no interest in being controlled on a regular basis. This group of submissive people leaves their submission at the door of their play space.

A lot of people start out here. Being the bottom of a scene is often a gateway. A place where people discover deeper, more submissive desires. I was a bottom before I was a sub and sub before slave. A lot of submissive people I know followed that progression. Not everyone, though.

People occasionally shorten “submissive” when specifically discussing this next group to avoid confusion. It’s a running joke, in the community, that a “sub” is a sandwich, and you’ll occasionally hear people talking about wanting roast beef and provolone on theirs. But since the first day M dragged me onto IRC, using “sub” has been my way of making it clear I am talking about this particular level of submission and not submissive people as a whole.

So what’s a sub? That’s where it gets tricky. Because the line between sub and slave is rather fine and blurs a lot. People often use “submissive” and “slave” interchangeably. But they are not the same thing.

A sub is someone who still retains some control, but is in service to someone else. They have the right to say no and walk away at any time. They have a safe word. They have limits. They’re not owned.

An article I read recently described it best when it said “A submissive is a volunteer. A slave is not.”

A slave is owned. That’s probably the only constant. Some slaves have safe words. Some do not. Some slaves have negotiated limits. Some do not. Some slaves have submissive personalities. Some are only submissive with the one who owns them. Some slaves have given up their right to leave, or consented to having it taken from them. Some retain the right to walk out the door whenever they choose.

Legally, we all have that right. Some of us just choose not to acknowledge it.

In my perfect world, a slave is someone without limits or safe words. A slave is someone who opens himself or herself completely to his or her owner. Complete transparency. Total power exchange. He or she doesn’t have a choice.

But in my reality, it’s illegal to own another human being. Some states don’t recognize consent. In the interest of keeping the owner out of prison, the submissive is allowed to negotiate the rules. Even I can’t or don’t always live up to my perfect world. So it doesn’t surprise me that others don’t, can’t or aren’t interested.

Some say the difference between a submissive and a slave has nothing whatever to do with how much control one gives up or how submissive one is. That it’s in one’s actions. In the way the slave obeys without question or hesitation. In the respect in the slave’s voice when he or she speaks with his or her owner. In the way the slave knows what the owner needs almost before the owner does. But I’ve known some submissives to show their dominants more respect than some slaves show their owners.

A submissive is someone who submits willingly, sometimes on a case by case basis, to the will of another. A slave is someone who is wholly controlled and owned by another. That’s really the sum of it.

Rayne is a loving slave with sadistic tendencies and masochistic desires. Chaos incarnate. The girl your mother warned you about.  She writes toy reviews and blogs about being a 24/7 medium protocol slave to her husband Melen at Insatiable Desire (http://www.insatiabledesire.com/), along with four other bloggers involved in the lifestyle.  She also guest write a series that is a basic look at M/s at Eden Cafe (http://www.edencafe.com/) with a number of other authors who write about various sex-positive subjects.

photo by BL1961

Review: Protocols: a Variety of Views

If you are looking for a varied account of protocol then this book is perfect! Part of Power Exchange Books’ Resource Series Protocols: a Variety of Views is a collection of essays written by people living a life with protocol in place. You will get every opinion represented here as well as a few book reviews at the end of other protocol related books you might be interested in.

Compiled of 13 well thought out essays from every role imaginable and some well known voices in the alternative community leadership, this book has what it needs and then some. You will learn what people consider protocol, what the difference is between that and ritual as well as ceremony. There are some lovely examples of personal protocols lived out in their relationships and opinions that may align with yours.

I like that the book is short essays, as I admit my attention span is relatively short. I can read one essay at a time and then give it some time to digest before moving on to another. In fact, that’s how I recommend you read this book. I tried reading one essay immediately following another and the differing viewpoints clashed in my brain and I had to reread them.

My favorite essay has to be by slave elizabeth titled, “Development of Protocols in the Order of Discipline and Service.” She shares with us her ‘unusual’ protocols that her Dominant has for the house and to be honest hers is the first I’ve read or heard about to hold these protocols. She and the other slaves that serve have uniforms much like a job would for about any occasion, they wear chains at all times, even while out and I love the idea of having personal cells for time away from serving. I was so interested in it I read the essay twice just to take care of my fascination.

If you are curious about protocol I’d recommend this compilation. It has everything you’d want to know and maybe some you wouldn’t think to learn.

Product Details

• luna’s Rating: 7/10
• Published on: 2008-10-01
• Original language: English
• Binding: Paperback
• 106 pages

Buy Protocols: A Variety of Views: Power Exchange Books’ Resource Series By Robert Rubel PhD

The Disposable Relationship Mentality

I’ve been witness to a shocking new trend in relationships lately. Perhaps I’m old school or old fashioned but what I’m seeing in today’s society, and not just the BDSM culture, is the lack of effort in relationships.

As I was raised I was taught that something worthwhile wasn’t always easy to achieve and you may have to work hard to get it. I applied this to everything in my life; including the relationships I developed. My marriage may have failed, but I didn’t give up and worked very hard to make it work before admitting defeat. The same goes for my current relationship. It takes work.

Now I’m not saying that you should give every relationship a fighting chance because I know some relationships are rushed into, lacking desire, destructive or overall bad for you. These are not what I mean by disposable relationships. These are relationships that everyone has to experience to know what a good relationship looks like.

An Example of What I’m Talking About

Recently Master and I were going through a rough patch. Things have since cleared up so there’s no need to worry, I know I didn’t. Recommendations from people that barely know us were along the lines of the disposable relationship mentality.

“Oh well you’ve been together for so long, maybe you aren’t compatible anymore and should consider moving on.”

“If you are having problems then perhaps he isn’t the right guy for you, get out while you are still young.”

“I’d toss him on the curb and find a real man!”

All of these really had me shocked. It’s not like I was begging for happiness in our relationship, I was just voicing my frustrations with the current dilemma. Master and I work hard at our relationship. We have a very open communication channel and use it regularly to talk about everything. We are the most openly communicative relationship I have seen.  We don’t give up because deep inside the love for each other is worth keeping. If your are spiritually happy in your relationship you’ll understand on what level Master and I are.

The Disposable Relationship Mentality

I see the advice we tend to give people online that we barely know. We jump to the conclusion that their relationship is doomed and tell them 9 times out of 10 that the man or woman just isn’t worth it and they need to let them go and move on. We do this without hearing the other side, asking more questions or even understanding where this issue came from that they are asking advice on. Why do we do this?

The disposable relationship mentality is a lot like our disposable nature with everything else. We throw everything away. Quality has taken a back seat to convenience and cost. We dismiss issues with a relationship as broken goods and we just let them loose to try and find someone else that won’t break. Of course when that one does as well we start hating relationships altogether. There’s no effort anymore.

Do you think a relationship will blossom if the two or more people involved don’t work at it? Of course not. How hard are you working in your relationship to make it work to your satisfaction?

How about your current relationship? Is it like that toaster you have to keep replacing every few years because it stops toasting correctly or is it that cherished family heirloom that you take great care in keeping beautiful and shining for all to see?

The Roundtable: Body Modification

Gather around the table everyone, I’d like to learn about something I don’t know a lot about. I welcome you to add your thoughts and comments to this post and if you feel an inclination, send me a guest post letting me know what you think.

This month I’d like to talk about body modification in the sense of permanent markings as a declaration of commitment of submission.

• What are the common permanent markings that can symbolize relationships and collars?
• What types of body modification are not common in BDSM?
• What are the risks of having a permanent mark on your body?
• How long do you take before you decide to have a mark?
• Who chooses the mark?
• Anyone have any stories about receiving a permanent mark?
• If you break up, what do you do about the mark?
• Anything else you’ like to add about permanent marks?

Living as an Emotionally Healthy Submissive

Being an emotionally healthy person is a goal that all of us have but a smaller margin actually accomplish. With the constant stress of commitments and modern day obligations our emotions face the brunt of it. The goal of a submissive is to seek that balance in emotional states so that our service appears stress-free and sincere; even if we have a lot going on in the background. Living as an emotionally healthy submissive takes knowing what is considered healthy to begin with. Applying the following concepts to your own life can help you bring balance to your mental state.

• A healthy submissive nurtures, maintains and develops life-affirming relationships. Rarely are self-destructive relationships sought or sustained. This also includes the the open friendships the submissive has.
• A healthy submissive is capable of intense joy and happiness in a sustained relationship. The feelings expressed by a submissive with a balanced emotional state are full and impressive.
• A healthy submissive is a giver. Even if it means offering their last bit of change, a submissive is willing to sacrifice to bring comfort and happiness to others. Often a submissive needs to learn self-control as to not give over more than they are capable of.
• A healthy submissive is sensitive to the emotional needs of others. Compassion and sympathy are honest emotions that a submissive can get in touch with really easily to comfort others.
• A healthy submissive is accepting of herself and does not have cultural hang ups over her body or appearance. She is comfortable in her skin and is not easily impacted by social media suggestions.

This is just a beginning for what concepts can guide your life in an emotionally healthy way. Seeking balance is what everyone desires. How many times have you heard or said that everything seems out of balance? Bringing peace to your emotional well being is important to living as a happy and healthy submissive.

It’s not as easy as it sounds. I know, I’ve tried. I’m constantly trying to bring peace to myself. “Serenity Now!” The drama of being online a lot, the turmoil of a one income household, loving your best friend forever and knowing that he’s going to beat you tonight because it’s fun. Friendships come and go like the seasons in the garden of life and while you may miss the more vibrant ones, each has touched you in some profound way. Welcoming the joy of past memories into your thoughts can help bring peace.

Interacting with others is also every healthy for the submissive soul. It could be volunteering at an assisted living facility or watching the neighbor’s kids while they go out for a movie. Being there for people replenishes the submissive soul. I’ve even found it welcoming to people watch at the mall. Seeing other people struggle with life can put yours into perspective.

I’ve always envisioned my ideal life as being the peace bringer to my relationship. Someone that can see the stress and dissipate it effortlessly. Trying to achieve that goal helps me lead an emotionally healthier life.

What do you do that keeps you healthy?

Photo by Untitled blue

Help Submissive Guide Raise $1000 for NLA-I DVP for National Domestic Violence Awareness Month

It’s important to have a cause you believe in, for me it’s the National Leather Association-International Domestic Violence Project. Their cause to bring awareness of the differences in BDSM and abuse as well to help victims of domestic violence in BDSM-related relationships find assistance and get help really provide a service that you can’t get anywhere else. That’s why I’m setting up this blog as a charity fundraiser for the month of October.

In just a moment I’m going to tell you how you can donate to the NLA-I DVP but let’s first get to know the charity I stand behind and want you to support as well.

• Every year the NLA-I DVP provides workshops for individuals and kink-associated groups on the difference between BDSM and abuse as well as its related topics.
• They provide training, pamphlets, or other NLA-I DVP related materials to domestic violence agencies and services at the state, national, and international levels when it is necessary to improve or educate services and agencies about the BDSM/Kink/Leather communities.
• NLA-I DVP also produces a quarterly newsletter with information on resources, NLA-I DVP updates, and other related domestic violence information.
• Maintains a resource directory for individuals looking for help and assistance as well as agencies that are looking for resources to help them work with the kink community in situations of domestic violence.

Why should you consider donating to NLA-I DVP?

The charity runs on a volunteer basis and without donations by people like you they can not fund the work that they do. If in an unfortunate situation, you have need of their aid, I want to help make sure they can provide that for you.

Now, how can you help me help them?

I’m trying to raise at least $1000 this month for NLA-I DVP. No amount is too small. I will be using ChipIn.com to help manage the money raising. This means that money goes directly to the charity and does not go through me or someone else. I can also track how much money has been raised.

If you want to place a widget on your website like the one below that is connected to the fund raising, click on the COPY tab in the blue widget box to grab the code. Spread the word about this charity event and give to a good cause.

Added Bonuses

If the very cause isn’t enough for you, I’ve got an added bonus. For every $10 donated, I will put your name in a drawing for a $100 gift certificate from JT’s Stockroom. This drawing will take place November 4th. The more you donate, the more chances you have to win.

Can’t Donate but want to help?

Do you have a blog or website? For every post you make about the charity fundraiser, or if you want to put the widget on your site during the month of October I will submit your name into another drawing for a $25 gift certificate to Amazon.com. Send me an email if you have posted it on your website please (subguide@gmail.com).

I also have banners, if you want to use one of those. Please link back to THIS POST.

<a href=”http://www.submissiveguide.com/2009/10/submissive-guide-raise-1000-nlai-dvp-national-domestic-violence-awareness-month/”><img src=”http://www.submissiveguide.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/10/NLA-I-DVP-Banner-ALTERNATE.jpg” /></a>

<a href=”http://www.submissiveguide.com/2009/10/submissive-guide-raise-1000-nlai-dvp-national-domestic-violence-awareness-month/”><img src=”http://www.submissiveguide.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/10/NLA-I-DVP-125X125-Banner.jpg” /></a>

Do you use Twitter? Every day you tweet about the fundraiser will give you one entrance into the $25 gift certificate giveaway from Amazon.com. Please tweet the following text to be considered.

Donate $10 to NLA-I DVP for chance to win $100 gift certificate to JT’s Stockroom! #nlaidvp

http://tinyurl.com/qnu6bf

Give to a good cause today!

Donate Now!

Chat Night Transcript From Sub Space and Sub Drop Talk

<~luna[KM]> Now I’d like to hear from everyone… have you experienced subspace? If you don’t know if you have, it’s okay.
<selene1123> i’m pretty new…so i think i have but am not sure
<slavelauren> i have
<radiogirl> I most definitely have
<pet_rain> i’m not sure  i think i would like a clear definition i’v heard different people desribe it differently
<selene1123> thank you pet_rain!  i am confused about some of the contradicting definitions
* ~luna[KM] smiles
<radiogirl> I think subspace would happen differently for each individual
<~luna[KM]> we will definitely be covering that
<slavelauren> i agree with that radiogirl
<~luna[KM]> I have experienced subspace as well, just so you all know where I’m coming from.
<pet_rain> yes everyone experiences everything differently
<~luna[KM]> welcome littlemiss96
<pet_rain> hi
<selene1123> hello
<slavelauren> hi littlemiss96
<littlemiss96> thanks…hi all
<~luna[KM]> we’ve just started talking about subspace and subdrop so jump right in when you feel comfortable.
<radiogirl> For me, subspace is also what I call my “happy place”
<~luna[KM]> are there other words for it?
<slavelauren> same for me
<~luna[KM]> euphoria?
<selene1123> i think that’s a good word for it
<radiogirl> yes, it is a euphoric place
<littlemiss96> i’m still really new to all this, but I think I got there last week…euphoria
<selene1123> like feeling the need to purr, lol
<~luna[KM]> it can also be a primal place
<radiogirl> but its where I am comfortable, secure in myself and my Master’s love
<~luna[KM]> one where you retreat to animal instincts
<radiogirl> yes
<radiogirl> that too
<radiogirl> :)
<slavelauren> so true
<~luna[KM]> So, as you can see sub space is a number of different things, but we can agree that it’s a happy euphoric sensation or ‘place’
<pet_rain> right like youve been redused down to your core and where you feel most content like there is nothing wrong in the world
<slavelauren> yes
<radiogirl> exactly
<selene1123> that perfect feeling
<slavelauren> oh yeah i like that
<pet_rain> okay then i’v experianced that i’v heard it defined very differently though
<radiogirl> so I have a question for you guys
<radiogirl> How do YOU get there?
<~luna[KM]> It’s different each and every time we play
<~luna[KM]> and I don’t get there everytime
<littlemiss96> sometimes its deeper than others
<selene1123> for me, it is through serving Master….even something as simple as dinner or desert
<radiogirl> yes of course littlemiss
<slavelauren> for me its the sound of Masters voice it doesnt matter if we are “playing” or not
<~luna[KM]> exactly, these are called triggers
<selene1123> i agree with you slavelauren
<selene1123> it is in or out of a schece
<slavelauren> we could be driving in His car
<selene1123> *scene
<radiogirl> it can be either for some people
<radiogirl> doesnt take a scene to put me in subspace
<pet_rain> when i’m laying in His lap or at his feet infrount of the couch or its after Hes played with me or used me, sometimes its after i’m punished sometimes just the looks He gives me
<slavelauren> We have a kinda trigger phase that puts me right under
<slavelauren> phrase sorry
<pet_rain> whats that?
<~luna[KM]> slavelauren, is the phrase something you can share with us?
<slavelauren> the simple words of To Serve Him is the greatest gift in Life
<slavelauren> sorry i had to ask
<pet_rain> dont be sorry
* ~luna[KM] smiles, that’s okay and I assumed so
<selene1123> understood
<slavelauren> thanks
<radiogirl> thank you slavelauren
<slavelauren> your welcome
<slavelauren> He says that and im under fast
<~luna[KM]> alright, so how would you describe YOUR subspace to someone who has never experienced it?
<selene1123> my subspace is a state of perfect harmony between Master and i
<slavelauren> wow thats hard, for me its like im there but not there.kinda outside looking in
<slavelauren> not feeling except ectasy
<~luna[KM]> For me, it is a sense of complete peace and happiness, but also a separation from my physical body (the pain if if it play) and a sort of spiritual connection to my Master.
<littlemiss96> the place where nothing else matters but my Master and me
<radiogirl> for me, its when I open myself totally to my Master
<selene1123> i have never felt a physical separation
<radiogirl> communion of souls
<selene1123> the opposite actually – i become very aware of my body and the sensations i feel
<radiogirl> some call the physical separation “flying”
<~luna[KM]> oh I have felt that way as well selene1123
<pet_rain> the only thing thats real is Him, His dominance is a weight i can really FEEL on me it engulfs me surrounds me consumes me and W/we are perfect there is no higher happieness there is nothing else that is real
<~luna[KM]> very beautiful pet_rain, lovely description
<slavelauren> im aware of the sensations but if it is pain or anything negative it does not hurt
<radiogirl> very nicely put pet
<slavelauren> wow pet thats awesome
<selene1123> i love the way you put that pet
<pet_rain> RIGHT i cant feel pain
<pet_rain> thanks
<littlemiss96>are all of you in 24/7 relationships?
<slavelauren> sometimes it gets me through some serious “play” Master is a bit heavy handed lol
<~luna[KM]> I generally can feel the pain, but it’s not painful.
<slavelauren> i am
<selene1123> yes littlemiss
<radiogirl> I am not
<littlemiss96> ok, thanks. i am not either
<~luna[KM]> You are LDR aren’t you radiogirl?
<pet_rain> i think the reason i can’t feel pain is because its negitive and to feel anything negitive would be selfish and i am incapable of being selfish there is only His pleasure
<radiogirl> for me its like…… I am so immersed in the pain that it ceases to exist…
* ~luna[KM] thinks pet_rain is a poet :)
<slavelauren> yes she is
<pet_rain> no i’m not
<pet_rain> (blushes)
<radiogirl> and I know that He immerses himself in it to
<slavelauren> well you are excellent with your words
<pet_rain> thank you
<selene1123> you have a gift for putting feelings into the perfect words
<radiogirl> yes I am in  a LDR, Luna
<slavelauren> radiogirl that is exactly the way Master describes His feelings when we talk about how He feels
<~luna[KM]> Did anyone read the optional pre-reading for tonight?
<radiogirl> yes
<slavelauren> i am sorry i did not
<pet_rain> i read some of it but most of it woulnd’t come up
<littlemiss96> i did
<radiogirl> i always do my homework Luna
<radiogirl> LOL
* ~luna[KM] winks… that’s why it is optional
<selene1123> i skimmed through it during work
<pet_rain> i only got to read about sub drop
<~luna[KM]> In the Mistress Steel essay, she talks about different levels of subspace
<~luna[KM]> and that you can move through the levels smoothly, like climbing a ladder
<pet_rain> yeah i would like to read that
<slavelauren> i have read it before and i its very well put for me
<~luna[KM]> well I can send you a copy pet_rain to your email if it won’t open. Just shoot me a message via the contact page when we are done here to remind me and give me your email.
<~luna[KM]> So, how important is sub space for you?
<selene1123> it is essential for me
<slavelauren> same for me
<radiogirl> same here
<selene1123> if i do not feel that space then i feel like i am not in harmony with Master
<~luna[KM]> I could actually take it or leave it. I love it when I experience it, don’t get me wrong, but it’s not important to my relationship or connection with Master.
<selene1123> and that is simply not an option for me
<slavelauren> very true
<littlemiss96> after hearing from all of you, i think my definition may have been too narrow
<slavelauren> what do you mean littlemiss96
<littlemiss96> well, i think i was thinking that subspace was only that detached euphoria, but listening to you guys, I am realizing that i go there whenever i talk to Master, whether in person, phone, or even text
<selene1123> that’s how i feel
<slavelauren> i can acheive it any time anywhere no matter what the form of communication is
<selene1123> or even when i am not with Master but doing something i know will please him in the future
<~luna[KM]> Not everyone you meet will agree with the definition that it’s a broader definition.
<slavelauren> very true luna
<~luna[KM]> Some will say that the non-play sub space isn’t sub space
<~luna[KM]> It’s more a slave space that is a focus for some relationships
<selene1123> that’s one of the reasons i was confused
<littlemiss96> ehhh..to each his/her own, i think
<slavelauren> for me it is slave space always
<~luna[KM]> Sure, the hope is that you will be able to develop your own definition.
<~luna[KM]> wb pet_rain
<pet_rain> oh i’m sorry it kicked me off
<pet_rain> my Master’s here now
<~luna[KM]> welcome pet_rain’s Master
<slavelauren> welcome Sir
<pet_rain> He’s reading along
<pet_rain> He said thanks
<radiogirl> Welcome Sir
<radiogirl> nice to have you with us
<selene1123> good evening
<~luna[KM]> Let’s focus now on play time
<~luna[KM]> how important is sub space to play time?
<slavelauren> pretty important for me
<selene1123> it depends on what kind of play for me
<selene1123> if it is physical/involves pain, very important
<slavelauren> very true
<littlemiss96> i dont think its possible for me to separate
<pet_rain> i think its very importain because i think i can please Him better while i’m in subspace
<radiogirl> I agree selene
<slavelauren> being in subspace expands my limits alot
<~luna[KM]> I agree with pet_rain that I’m more pliable when in subspace, Master can get me to do things that I would normally hesitate to do when I’m in subspace.
<selene1123> definitely
<radiogirl> Oh yes slavelauren
<radiogirl> thats when you learn how strong you actually are
<~luna[KM]> So, what if you can’t get to subspace? Are there alternatives to experiencing that ‘high’?
<slavelauren> well i dont know about everyone else but i am a slave so i dont have safewords or limits but subspace makes it easier sometimes
<pet_rain> right me too
<radiogirl> well, endorphins come
<radiogirl> and thats my High if i am not in subspace
<slavelauren> i always acheive subspace so i cant answer that
<littlemiss96> i think i do too, slavelauren
<~luna[KM]> I think a pretty darned good orgasm is a great alternative *grins*
<radiogirl> oh yeah luna
<littlemiss96> lol for sure
<selene1123> ditto, luna!
<slavelauren> true
<pet_rain> well… sometimes it doens’t come during sometimes i just feel used, but after its done i guess that feeling of being used and knowing that i made Him happy brings me to sub space
<~luna[KM]> how about emotional release. I know that sometimes when I play I feel emotions just pour out of me and that’s a healing process.
<slavelauren> one little problem with that luna i can only orgasm on command
<slavelauren> so if i dont have permission then that doesnt work for me
<~luna[KM]> sure, then that alternative isn’t good for you.
<slavelauren> for me its all about an emotional release
<pet_rain> i dont think i have emotional releases during play
<selene1123> it has almost nothing to do with physical release for me
<~luna[KM]> Does any of you cry during play/space?
<pet_rain> there is a emotional connetion sometimes
<pet_rain> yes
<pet_rain> i do
<pet_rain>  alot
<selene1123> i haven’t….yet
<radiogirl> oh yes
<littlemiss96> i haven’t yet, but I know I will
<~luna[KM]> How about laugh?
<selene1123> all the time….my Master loves “playful” play
<littlemiss96> oh yes…
<littlemiss96> we laugh togther a lot…and I’ve laughed in orgasm too
<slavelauren> i do both
<~luna[KM]> When I’ve entered space and the pain intensifies I tend to laugh when it hurts
<pet_rain> i’v laughed dureing play but when i’m in space i dont, i’ll smile alot but thats about it
<radiogirl> slavelauren, may I ask a question
<pet_rain> well sometimes i’ll like half laugh half cry its wierd
<littlemiss96> me too, pet_rain
<slavelauren> of course anything?
<radiogirl> how long have you been with your Master?
<radiogirl> im curious about the “come on command”
<slavelauren> over 5 years now
<slavelauren> cumming on command takes alot of practice and patience
<slavelauren> and trial and error
<pet_rain> i’m not allowed to cum without permission but i have trouble cumming on command
<radiogirl> I would like to talk with you about that sometime
<slavelauren> of course when we are finished i will give you my email and yahoo nic i am on alot
<radiogirl> I sent you a PM
<~luna[KM]> Are we ready to move on to Sub Drop?
<radiogirl> with my email
<slavelauren> i am allowed to talk to anyone
<pet_rain> yes
<selene1123> i think i experienced sub drop very badly this weekend
<~luna[KM]> wanna talk about it selene1123?
<littlemiss96> i had my first experience with it last week…awful
<~luna[KM]> I’d like to hear your experiences if you are willing to share them.
<slavelauren> got it radiogirl
<pet_rain> can someone define that for me?
<selene1123> to me, subspace is almost 24/7, but this weekend I completely threw out my neck….could not move, sit up, or talk…much less serve Master
<selene1123> all i wanted to do was cry
<~luna[KM]> Sub Drop is when the endorphins and euphoria leave your body and you feel what I call a crash in mood
<~luna[KM]> For some people this can be very severe and traumatic.
<selene1123> Master had to take care of me and i felt so….useless
<slavelauren> when i experience it is very traumatic
<pet_rain> okay like when you feel like yesterday you were His perfect little tng but today you feel frustrated and all wrong like that?
<~luna[KM]> I have felt that way too selene1123, when I’m sick.
<littlemiss96> i had a really rough time
<slavelauren> have you talk to Him about it?
<littlemiss96> combined with PMS…
<~luna[KM]> When I’m out of commission, he tells me that it’s his turn to take care of his property… his job ya know.
<selene1123> luna, that’s what my Master says….but i still feel so lost
<slavelauren> because Master has never experience subspace or sub drop He has asked me to discuss with Him the feeling that go with each one sub drop more bc He sees subspace in me most of the time
<slavelauren> smae here luna
<~luna[KM]> Did you know that sub drop happens more in committed relationships than in casual or long distance ones?
<selene1123> i can see that
<~luna[KM]> I did a non-academic study with the munch groups I attend and it was overwhelming
<slavelauren> i would have to agree with that
<pet_rain> i can deffently see how
<~luna[KM]> I know what I think as the reason, but why do you think that is the case?
<slavelauren> i think that is more of an emotional attachment in committed relationships
<selene1123> i think it is the level of devotion
<littlemiss96> i think that’s what partially caused mine…i’m realizing my heart is getting involved in this along with my mind and body
<pet_rain> because you are more emotionally connected with them everythings more real in your face everyday
<slavelauren> very tue luna
<slavelauren> true sorry
<~luna[KM]> I think that more casual or separate-lives relationships have less sub drop because of a defense mechanism to protect the person’s emotional state. When in a live-in relationship, you let your guard down more often, allowing for drop.
<littlemiss96> since my relationship is new, I kind of discounted that I would go through sub drop…i was totally unprepared for it
<slavelauren> very true luna
<~luna[KM]> Drop is the same though, the emotional distress, feelings of inadequacy or disbelief that you just went through play activity x, y and z. Or even shock from injuries received, and thoughts on how you can enjoy something like ‘that’.
<radiogirl> Its impossible to be prepared for subdrop
<littlemiss96> Master also had some personal stuff that kept him away from me for a couple of days, and I didn’t know why…in my fragile state, I began to have abandonment issues
<~luna[KM]> What forms of aftercare are available to you when you do drop?
<~luna[KM]> that can totally happen littlemiss96
<slavelauren> yes it can littlemiss
<selene1123> i feel the same way sometimes littlemiss
<littlemiss96> plus I was PMSing…so it was the perfect storm…lol
<slavelauren> Master is really big on aftercare
<radiogirl> lol
<littlemiss96> I talked to Master about it, and he apologized, and has promised to be there for more aftercare
<selene1123> i use my slave journal as aftercare; writing helps me “balance” myself out
<selene1123> plus i’m writing for Master so i feel connected to him
<slavelauren> when i first came to live with Master fulltime i already knew that He leaves every week Monday through Wednesday to see His sub about an hour from here but that first month was horrible abandonment issues galore
<littlemiss96> so do I selene1123…and I send it to Master
<slavelauren> i journal alot
<littlemiss96> i do ok as long as I know what’s going on and why he’s gone…when he says, “talk to you this afternoon” and then he doesn’t…that’s when I freak out
<~luna[KM]> I tend to find that taking a long hot bath or shower helps
<~luna[KM]> and chocolate, lots of chocolate
<littlemiss96> lol chocolate always works
<~luna[KM]> I’ve got some music I like to listen to as well when I’m dropping
<littlemiss96> or I love a day at the beach
<slavelauren> chocolate works very well
<~luna[KM]> Anything else you’d like to talk about related to sub drop?
<slavelauren> i have a meditaion cd that works really well bc it is all about sub drop and it guides you through getting out of it most of the time it works
<~luna[KM]> where did you get a CD like that slavelauren?
<littlemiss96> do y’all find it worse in connection to your cycle?
<selene1123> i’m interested too
<radiogirl> me 2
<littlemiss96> me too
<slavelauren> at a convention i attended a few years ago, i will true to download to mp3 and send it to everyone who would like it
<slavelauren> i have alot of them all different ones
<~luna[KM]> ooooh, that would be way cool! Can you legally share them?
<slavelauren> they help me alot
<radiogirl> I would love that
<slavelauren> i dont see why not
<selene1123> that would be great, slavelauren
<slavelauren> they are not copyrighted
<slavelauren> i just looked
<littlemiss96> should be legal then
<slavelauren> i like helping out anyone who asks especially if it helps them serve their Master better
<radiogirl> I appreciate that
<littlemiss96> thanks so much…should we pm you our email addresses?
<selene1123> thank you

Exploring Your Place in BDSM Play

Submission during play can be overwhelming. How do you understand what you might like? What about the buzz words of subspace and sub drop? One of Submissive Guide’s goals is to help novice submissives understand BDSM and their place in it. To help you begin your exploration I’ve put together a list of the posts here to help you on your journey.

• Why BDSM is NOT D/s – skylarpet shares her thoughts on the differences between BDSM and the relationship type D/s.
• Safe Sane and Consensual – Learn what your responsibilities are when it comes to playing.
• RACK – SSC not your idea of a good way to play? Try Risk Aware Consensual Kink.
• The BDSM Checklist that will Really Help You – Checklists offered online are extensive, overwhelming and increasingly not useful. Learn how to write one that will work with your development.
• Using Playtime Check-Ins Wisely – Communicating effectively during play is vital to a comfortable and pleasurable playtime.
• To Safeword or Not to Safeword – The use of safewords in BDSM and deciding if they are important to you.
• Nonverbal Ways to Safeword – How do you express discomfort or the need to stop when you are gagged or hooded? Come read about some nonverbal options.
• Packing a Toybag – Dominants are not the only ones who should come prepared. See what you should have with you when you play.
• Sub Space – What is it? Do I want it? How much does it cost?
• Emotional Aspects of Sub Drop – The crash when play is over can be physical and emotional. Take a look at the emotional side; which can be the hardest to deal with.
• Sub Frenzy – What is it and can you get it? Is it contagious? Find out how you can cool the fever!
• Aftercare for Yourself – Putting together a kit to help you heal after playing is important in casual and live-in relationships.

This isn’t all there is to BDSM play, trust me. But it’s a start. Now open for questions!

photo by spankmeeehard

The Safety Disguise of Safewords

I’ve always believed that safewords are only good if you know how to use them. Good ole communication is great for things like numb limbs, an itch you can’t reach or a bathroom break.  Submissive Guide is here for novices and it’s always good to teach about safewords and recommend that you have one.

In every beginning BDSM book you will find information on safewords. On this site I have an essay on safewords. What I’ve read recently from Emma is some very obvious news about safewords that most people don’t pick up on their own and never share with others. Well, I’m going to share it with you.

Protect Your Safety

In a play situation you need to establish trust with your play partner. If you choose to play with a relative stranger you are putting yourself in danger of not having your safeword respected. Safewords can not protect you from someone who intends to do you harm. No matter how many times you shout ‘red’ in a dangerous situation a predator will not heed. Just like a stop sign, it only works if drivers obey the law and actually stop. The trust that is needed in a relationship is what makes a safe word really work for you.

Don’t ever expect your safeword to protect you. I’ve read horror stories where a submissive said she thought her safeword was all she needed to stay safe. A lot of the BDSM play we engage in is inherently dangerous and risky (even if you believe in Safe, Sane and Consensual). A verbalized stop word is not going to make you any safer.

It Starts With Trust

You can not have safewords without trust. As you’ve read and hopefully understand now a safeword is a false blanket of security. Building trust with your partner is all about open, honest communication and respect. How do you build trust?

The answer is acceptance.

Once you accept your partner for who they are then your trust will come right along with it. Sure that means you need to accept yourself first and we are always hearing about that, but in this article we are building trust in our partner so that if we choose to use safewords they will work.

Negotiate, Negotiate, Negotiate

Every relationship starts somewhere, even the quick and casual play partners are relationships. I can’t stress enough that you need to communicate and share your needs and desires in order to get them. Doing this also includes requesting and agreeing on a safeword if works for you. Even if a Dominant doesn’t believe in safewords, a negotiation where a safeword is requested should be honored.

Say ‘No’

In the worst situation imaginable where your safeword is being ignored, begin screaming ‘no’. Unfortunately this won’t necessarily make the person stop but it will give you some legal leverage later. Not all legal authorities understand or respect stop words, our safewords. They will ask if you said ‘no’.

Wrapping It Up

It’s not my intention to scare you or convince you that you shouldn’t have a safeword. I’m hoping that what you’ve learned is that you need to have more than a word to protect you if you plan to play.

Do you have any other advice about safewords that you’d like to pass on?

Tasks While Your Dominant is Away

This guest post is by Alpine from Alpine Dreams.

A bit of a background story. My partner and I don’t live together.  We are both Poly, have other relationships and numerous obligations. Staying connected and in a D/s mindframe can be difficult since he does go away sometimes and we can’t always be together on our usual bi-weekly days.

Since, we’ve decided to explore D/s in more depth, the time away can be more difficult. He has recently been giving me tasks to do when he is away.  They have been ranging in tasks such as wearing my smart balls to work, putting clothespins on myself or locking myself up with handcuffs for a certain amount of time. We’ve only started doing these tasks in the past month and I’m sure there will be many more coming.

I think it’s an important way for us to stay connected and enforce that part of our relationship. It takes a bit of pre-planning on their part but the rewards are worth it. For every task, I am to document my time, my thoughts and take photos (if possible). He sends them to me with the date and time that I can open it.

It makes the time away easier and allows us to stay connected, it’s not close to the same thing but it helps when we are separated. I think it’s a great way for anyone in an D/s relationship to stay connected whether it’s a long distance relationship or even if your partner is away for a day.

Question

What do you think of giving or receiving  fun, re-enforcing, controlling submissive tasks to do? I’m curious on what other people do when their partner is away and what rituals have you incorporate to help when you are apart.

photo by Linds :)

Alpine is a kinky, fun loving, poly female in Western Canada. She is a professional submissive and works independently in the Vancouver area. You can find her blog at Alpine Dreams.

Are you interested in guest blogging at Submissive Guide? Contact me at subguide@gmail.com today!

Don’t Assume Submissive Means Sister

You know you’ve entered online submissive ground when everyone you don’t know starts to refer to you as sister. It’s been years since I’ve ‘lived’ online but this is something that has always irked me. Recently on FetLife I saw a question that had an interesting twist to the whole sister submissive thing that I’d like to talk about. I pulled out the issue, but kept one part of the question that I’d like to base this post on.

As subs aren’t we suppose to support and care for our sub sisters? Or this a dog eat dog world where our sub sisters don’t care for each other?

First I’d like to respond to the question. We are all people, submissive or not. Just because you identify as submissive does not give you a membership card into the friendship club for me. Sure I’m going to care for you with the same care I give any person I meet. Just don’t expect me to care more because you are submissive. This isn’t always a dog eat dog world, but you can’t expect people to always treat you the way you treat them.

I don’t know you. I’m going to give you the same courtesy I give a stranger. Even acquaintances aren’t going to get the same treatment as a close friend. That’s just the way I work. If submissives treated each other with more care and support than others, then we’d have less crying over submissives stealing other Dominants, talking bad about others and the number of other really horrible things that people do to each other online.

What is the value of relating in this way?

For online submissives there is a huge value in having a sense of camaraderie and comfort with other people. Usually online submissives are exploring the only way they know how and they have a fantastical idea of what D/s is and how BDSM really works. This fantasy helps them create a buffer with the real world. Online becomes a perfect world where all submissives are docile and kneel for hours at a time, service is always graceful and takes 30 mins to get a coffee and Dominants and submissives get together at the simple suggestion.

So to have sub sisters to relate to online is a way of developing a family of people that you can go to and talk about concerns, struggles, questions and friendship. It’s part of the illusion of the lifestyle. In some respects, it can be healthy and helpful, especially if the sub sisters have real life experience they can share with the online submissives.

How did submissives get put in a higher plane than everyone else?

Related to the ‘dog eat dog world’ comment above, online submissives; and I’m sure some real life ones too, feel that because they are submissive that they are angels and not subject to being human. Not every person you  meet is genuine or kind. In fact some are down-right rude and disgusting. You just can’t live in a perfect world; even online.

So I think submissives got put on a higher plane for these submissives because they want to look for the perfect in everyone. Oh and you can pretend to be whoever you want online so they may appear perfect. Again, it’s part of the fantasy that is nurtured online.

My personal feelings on sister submissives

I don’t like to be called sister by people that aren’t my sister. I’ve never told someone not to call me sister, but I just tend to ignore it. I think the name gets tossed around too much for my preference.  My sister means more to me than my friends and I can’t see any of my friends becoming sister-like (except my childhood best friend). Now I could be wrong and I could change my opinion later in life, but I doubt it. I think part of the reason I have issues with it is because I have NEVER seen Dominants refer to themselves in the same way. Are they all Dominant brothers? Nope. There’s no reason to associate that way online or in real life.

Are there real life examples of sub sisters?

Ya know, I’m not really sure. I’ve not met anyone in real life that calls others their sister. Does it happen in poly households? Or maybe Gorean ones? Let me know! I’d be curious to have a guest post on the use of sister in real life BDSM or D/s relationships. If’ you’re interested, contact me!

Assualt is NOT okay

This week’s video post is about an issue that needs more awareness.

I had someone ask me for some advice through my email the other day and it went something like this:

I just started exploring my kinky side and I’ve only shared it with a few other people. One person that found out started talking really crudely to me and cornering me at parties to whisper horrible naughty things in my ear. One night he forced his way into my apartment, violated me and beat me with his belt until I blacked out. I don’t know how to handle this because I’ve admitted I’m kinky, does this mean people will treat me like this?

My huge response to her request was to find out if she was alright and to seek help, right away. What this person did was rape and assault. It wasn’t consensual. It wasn’t agreed upon. It was forced. The fact that the woman was exploring her kinky side has nothing to do with what happened.

It’s sad to know that a few men out there think it is okay to harm women in this way. Submission does not mean you are open for violation and harm.  You are not an automatic victim.

I can only hope that the woman sought out help and reported the man for assault. I don’t know, the response I received was more along the lines of ‘thanks for the advice.’ I really did want to help her and even tried to find out where she lived so that I could report the man myself.

If you are in a situation where you don’t feel safe or that you find yourself fearing for what may happen, please understand that you don’t have to live that way. You can get out. There are assistance programs for you.

The one I’d like to talk about right now is the National Leather Association International – Domestic Violence Project. They have been in place since 1998 helping people get out of dangerous relationships and situations. They provide services to help communities and individuals raise awareness of the differences between consensual BDSM and abuse.  October is National Domestic Violence Awareness Month. During this month, Submissive Guide will be raising money to help the NLA-I DVP in its cause to raise awareness. Stay tuned for how you can help Submissive Guide support awareness.

If you need help, call the National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-SAFE

Chat Night Transcript From BDSM and Sex Talk – 8/25/09

Our first chat was a great success. Everyone gave permission to post the transcript and continue the conversation here. I loved every minute of interesting conversation. Read and enjoy!

<~luna[KM]> Alright, let’s get started. If you haven’t figured out, I’m luna. I started the site in January after I got tired of not finding what I wanted in all the sites online. I didn’t need the how to’s, but the whys.
<~luna[KM]> My goal with these chat nights is to share knowledge and information with each other to develop and grow in our submission.
<~luna[KM]> Tonight we are going to talk about BDSM and sex; if they are integral to our sexuality or if they can be separated as well as the whole perception in the community.
<~luna[KM]> In the reading for today we saw some people’s opinions as to whether sex and BDSM were separate things. What do you feel is the right way to explain it for yourself?
<hisowned1> it seemed to me that the gist of the articles–taken as a whole–was that sex is integral to a bdsm relationship….however, most bdsm relationships contain many other dimensions in addition to the sexual
<~luna[KM]> For me, in the beginning sex and BDSM were not the same, I was exploring and playing outside of a committed relationship, casually and did not want sex to be a part of it. I wanted the sensation and not the sexuality of it.
<~luna[KM]> Now that I’m in a relationship, I can not separate the two. BDSM is my sex and so much more.
<pet> i would have to agree with you luna
<hisowned1> most of our relationships probably involve the spiritual, psychological, emotional realms (should i include practical also?), in addition to sexual.  well, as luna has pointed out in some of her articles, there may be differences between solely online relationships and in-person relationships…
<~luna[KM]> Laura Goodwin (the first essay) said that it was absurd to think that sex and BDSM are separate things, that the whole reason we invite BDSM into our lives is for the sex. Now, most of what she is referring is the tactile play aspects of BDSM, but do you agree?
<~luna[KM]> Is BDSM sexual?
<pet> to me its one of many things
<~luna[KM]> You bring up a good point hisowned1. Can you really have a sexual experience online and consider it a BDSM sexual act?
<~luna[KM]> The critics will say that no, you can’t have a BDSM sex act online – that it’s just masochistic fantasy and masturbation.
<hisowned1> i think pet has something to contribute here.  pet, what are the ‘many things’ you refer to?
<hisowned1> …if i may ask…
<pet> would say for myself personally,  the service, the emotional aspect is also important to me
<hisowned1> yes, me too
<~luna[KM]> pet, do you feel that there is too much focus on the sexuality of BDSM when people talk about BDSM?
<pet> sometimes yes
<pet> to me personally there is so much to our lifestyle
<~luna[KM]> There are a lot of levels to the lifestyle, I would like to focus tonight on the physical act of play and it’s association with sex.
<~luna[KM]> When I talk with others that may not be as familiar with BDSM as they can be, I always get the perception that they think BDSM is just kinky sex.
<~luna[KM]> But when we as lifestyle and active participants get together, I see more of a separation between play and sex
<asweetpea123> at this point in my relationship with my Master all aspects interact at different levels.  Depending on the situation will depend on how deeply they react to the different aspects from sex to emotion etc
<~luna[KM]> So, can you play without sexual contact?
<pet> right, by what i have read, some definitely separate play and sex.
<~luna[KM]> sexual contact being genital touching
<radiogirl2009> oh of course
<radiogirl2009> I think so
<pet> i think so
<pet> also
<asweetpea123> yes
<radiogirl2009> my Master can play with me because he lives in my head
<radiogirl2009> my submission is in me
<~luna[KM]> Ok, so if the sensation receptors in your brain say that you are turned on, is it still sex or somehow it’s play?
<~luna[KM]> And if it is different, how do you discern the difference?
<asweetpea123> Wow
<asweetpea123> when you put it that way.
<hisowned1> how are we defining what ‘play’ means?
<radiogirl2009> okay, for me……… sex means a lot of different things
<radiogirl2009> and even though we have sex (phone sex, webcam sex) its in my mind
<~luna[KM]> play would be a set moment in time where two or more people are scening for the intent to experience sensations. This can be impact play, bondage or other forms of non-contact play.
<radiogirl2009> play……… is.. teasing
<asweetpea123> Ok my Master and I can have sex…touching in whatever way…but we can have no contact or “play” time from as far away as a phone or email where direction are given and yet I still feel the intensity as if it were physical.  He still controls me even far away
<radiogirl2009> oh yes
<~luna[KM]> If BDSM is considered part of the sexual arena, why is it not included in more vanilla ideas of sex?
<asweetpea123> ?
<~luna[KM]> If we go on the assumption the BDSM and sex are not separate, why don’t we see more mainstream sexual encounters echo what we do?
<asweetpea123> People are afraid of stereotype…beating abuse dominance have a very negative opinion in the world
<asweetpea123> It is lack of knowledge that keep people from understanding the deep strong positive connection
<pet> yes it does im afraid.  though i do have a friend who is very understanding and supportive.
<asweetpea123> media puts those words in prison/court/negative from an abusive husband/spouse and people stop looking farther…past the end of their nose
<~luna[KM]> So, can we say that BDSM is sensual more than sexual? Since we can have sex without BDSM and have discussed earlier that people can have BDSM without sex?
<~luna[KM]> It is unfortunate that the media has trouble accepting us, but the media is still working through homosexual acceptance, I fear that kink acceptance is further down the list.
<asweetpea123> BDSM is sensual for me.  Very much so.  to be so deeply controlled by someone who wants so desperately to control me…is sensual and loving..
<pet> i feel it is very sensual,  because of the close connection between Dom and sub.
<asweetpea123> I would agree…media has come a long way but they have a long way to go
<~luna[KM]> how about you radiogirl2009? is what you’ve experienced more sensual or sexual?
<pet> yes they do.
<asweetpea123> The Master watches out for you…when he decides on something he has already through for you…he knows you better than you do…how is that for sensual..
* ~luna[KM] smiles. It’s a good analogy asweetpea123
<pet> yes Sir reads me like a book.  sometimes i think he knows me better than i know myself sometimes
<radiogirl2009> well it greatly depends on my perception I guess
<radiogirl2009> Playing (not actually touching)  for me is mainly mental…. and that is extremely sensual
<radiogirl2009> however, when he gets the flogger out…… its pure SEXUAL
<asweetpea123> again it is a mental sensation…even in flogging…anyone can hit you…but a Master who incites this is thinking of you when he does the flogging or allows the flogging to take place…that becomes sensual
<asweetpea123> It is no different than the circle of life or ebb and flow.  one creates the other…without one the other is nto
<asweetpea123> not
<~luna[KM]> Great points all of them.
<~luna[KM]> You can mix sensual and sexual into BDSM, like a cocktail.
<hisowned1> asweetpea, that was beautifully put above—your post about the circle of life and ebb and flow.  lovely.  and true
<asweetpea123> Thank you hisowned1
<~luna[KM]> Now, I’ve been to a few parties and one party I’ve been too, doesn’t allow penetration of any kind. Others do, how does that change the way we could view sex and BDSM?
<asweetpea123> I feel that again if no penetration is allowed that does not matter.  The Master controls the Sensual/Sexual intensity of the situation…
<~luna[KM]> For Master and myself, we prefer to keep our sex private, but we are okay sharing the SM play at parties.
<asweetpea123> your sexual satisfaction is directed by Master no surroundings
<~luna[KM]> It makes for a rather interesting argument when we say that BDSM and sex are the same thing and yet we can fracture it like that for play parties.
<asweetpea123> His Sexual Satisfaction is directed by him
<asweetpea123> LOL yes it does…but a duck is a duck
<pet> i would feel the same way, i would much prefer to keep our sex private

photo by Dano

My Submission is Better Than Your Submission

Competition is human nature. From the time we are children we start to see who is ‘better’ and hopefully that is you. It could be as simple as having more ice cream than your sibling thus making you better or getting the best grade on a test, making you better than everyone else in the class. We have all compared ourselves with others; sometimes we ‘win’ sometimes we ‘lose’. It is when we voice these opinions outloud that we might not realize the ramifications.

I’ve read recently on a forum where a submissive is explaining her life and how she struggles with one thing or another. Someone commented that they must not be submissive enough and that opened the gateway for competition. From people saying that they wouldn’t behave that way, or a good submissive would do this or that it’s all saying (even if it might not be true) that I’m better than you are because I know the answer. As if there were just one answer to begin with.

There is no such thing as not submissive enough.

Submissives are as different as snowflakes. Each is unique and beautiful. No one snowflake is the same as another. Telling someone that they aren’t submissive enough is just a means to belittle them and is not appropriate for any submissive to do. What I try to convey on Submissive Guide is that there is an appropriate way to act and behave. That is with common courtesy and manners. How would you feel if you were told that you weren’t skinny enough or sexy enough or feminine/masculine enough?

Unless you are willing to put yourself up on the box to have your submission picked apart, keep it to yourself. It’s not doing anyone any good.

Your relationship isn’t better than theirs, just different.

Those of us lucky enough to live in our submission full time are not better than those who get to do it in bits and pieces. Submissives come from all walks of life and look for relationships to fill certain needs. It could be that they are looking for a full time D/s relationship and it could be that they aren’t. Telling someone that their relationship isn’t D/s enough or judging them based on how frequently they play is just childish and rude. Try not to compare your life with someone elses. In the end, you will fail to see the point of their discussion because you will be too busy finding the flaws in their relationship that don’t make it just like yours. Be thankful you are in a relationship.

When at a play party, don’t try to be super masochist; be yourself.

Play parties aren’t competitions. If you go to one and try to do more, experience more intense play than you have before with the sole purpose of doing it better than masosubbie, you will fail and probably hurt yourself in the process. You need to remember your limits and stay within those. No one is going to think less of you because you can’t handle the lexan cane at maximum strength or a bull whip to your breasts.  What you want to be remembered for is having fun and enjoying yourself. That’s easy to do when you remember what your body can handle.

Your submissive journey is not a race. Learn about yourself and be proud of yourself. There is no reason to compete with anyone else. Do you have any advice for those that want to compete or play the game of one-upmanship?

photo by HikingArtist

Add Your Reading List to Your Training Resume

Since the beginning of Submissive Guide I have been writing essays to help you build your service/submissive/slave resume. This is the living document of your experience and training on different tasks and a variety of relationships. If you are interested in reading the previous posts about the Training Resume I suggest you start at the topic index.

Today we are going to compile a list of the books you have read during your service that are a part of your growth and learning. The importance of this list is not only to show a potential Dominant that you are well read, but that you have a personal desire to work on improving yourself, learning a wide range of viewpoints and opinions and learn about BDSM activities of all sorts.

Gather Your Books

Pull together all the books you’ve read on BDSM, specific service items and other self help resources that you have read completely. These books can be basic relationship self help, etiquette, green cleaning and simple living, How-to books, and so much more. Let your mind explore your entire library and figure out how that could apply to a BDSM service relationship. You might be surprised.

Magazines and Newspapers

Although a bit more rare or pricey, you can find excellent magazines and even newspaper articles that might help you with building a reference library for your service experience and development as a person. Perhaps you have a subscription to a gardening magazine, home repair or fine dining journal. These things can be wonderful resources for your service life. Be creative and look for learning opportunities everywhere you go.

Online Sources

Don’t forget online newsletters and blogs that you are subscribed to! Even SubmissiveGuide.com can be a great resource to list on your reading list if you read it regularly and learn from it. Make note of the posts or articles that you enjoyed the most and the URL if there is one.

General Essay websites are great too, but make sure you keep a list of articles that you have read on each one so that it isn’t assumed that you have read the entire site.

How to Make the List

For books, make a list of the titles, authors, publication dates and a synopsis of the book. Online resources need to have the name of the site, the URL, the date you last accessed it and the site owner with a way to contact them if you can find one. You can also spend time writing personal reviews of the book or essay with what you took from it and made your own.

For example, I just read SlaveCraft and reviewed it on this blog. I can add that book to my service resume in the Reading List area. My entry would look something like this:

SlaveCraft: Roadmaps for Erotic Servitude, principles, skills and tools by a grateful slave with Guy Baldwin, M.S.

Daedalus Publishing Company (April 2002)

The author writes for the submissive or slave who may already have experience and thus understand the skills and tools that will help deepen their surrender. His four principles that he describes in detail are Identity, Obedience, Transparency and Humility. Each one is artfully discussed so that while you may be walking in his world of surrender you can apply them to your own service quite easily.

Making this list now will help you in the future too when you try to remember where you read that fantastic book or essay that you’d like to refer to, or share with a friend. The importance of a list like this can help you in more ways that just your resume.

What else would you list on your reading list? Would it be beneficial to list books and articles that you want to read in the future or have an interest in?

A Lesson in Control with Self-Punishment

Each and every day there is the chance to scew up and be disobedient. Luckily, most of us won’t break rules every single day but when we do we know that punishment will come swiftly and precisely. That is, unless you are an online submissive. Then there are a few other steps to having punishment carried out and most likely that involves you doing the punishment by direction.

Every submissive I know, including myself, hates to get into trouble, but it’s going to happen. We have to admit that there will be times of backsliding, pushing limits and general disobedience in our learning. It’s a part of growth. This doesn’t mean we are more or less submissive or that we don’t deserve the collar we wear. It just means we need that bit of focus that punishment affords us. Don’t think of punishment as something bad, but as something to help us grow inward.

Punishment really can be a good thing.

While most of the following ideas are used mainly in online relationships, they can and are used in face-to-face relationships as well. Feel free to add your own thoughts as well. I would like to point out that communication is key in any relationship and negotiation of these issues is important. A Dominant must not violate your limits or agreed terms during punishment. Also, punishment is not to be enjoyed by either party in order for it to work correctly. It is difficult for sex to be a good punishment because of this.

Essays

Now, for those submissives in an online relationship punishment takes on a variety of tasks. Most common is the essay. The essay can be about anything that the Dominant feels would benefit the submissive in improving their behavior.  In most cases I have seen essays about the specific infraction used the most.

Many online submissives have blogs where they post their completed work. Others use email to send their completed essay to their Dominant. I know I used the email method when I was online only, but eventually those essays ended up on my blog as well. Reading old essays has helped me see where my mind was at in various times of my submission.

Writing lines is another form of essay punishment that can be a reinforcement tool. Handwriting lines in a book is a physical reminder as well as a mental one that you have disobeyed and are being punished.

It’s easy to see that the proof that you fulfilled your punishment is the resulting paper or set of lines. This is why it is a good punishment tool for those online relationships.

Sexual Chastisement

Punishment in this form can be instructed to wear a sexual aid for a period of time, no orgasms for a time frame or any other form of control that the Dominant can take away as part of your punishment for misbehaving.

A common punishment in my Dominant’s house is wearing a butt plug or ben wa balls while out, forbidding orgasms for a time or making me do something sexual that doesn’t appeal to me (but isn’t a limit).

The delicate thing about this form of punishment is that if the Dominant uses something that they want you to start enjoying then it could set a negative vibe about it once the activity is employed for pleasure instead of punishment. Sexual punishments should be used with care if used at all.

For online relationships, these things may be carried out while on web cam or chatting directly. With built up trust, these things can also be done with camera proof or maintaining communication.

Lecture

No one ever looked forward to a lecture from their parents. Having to sit down and listen to your Dominant tell you that you were disobedient is just as scary. Having to hear a long drawn out message is even worse. You can feel horrible and that’s the point. Driving it home is the purpose. Listen to your Dominant during lectures, don’t tune them out.

Privilege Restriction

In essence this is like being grounded. The Dominant can take away favorite foods, set a bedtime, allow only a certain number of text messages per day or can make clothing requirements. Anything that you take for granted can be taken away from you. Punishments of this sort are quite common in face-to-face relationships as they can be policed easier that way.

Online ‘Public’ Punishment

Used mostly online as the title describes, this would be going to a chat room or other online BDSM venue where others are and declaring your misdeed and receiving chastisement in front of other people.

This is also possible in face-to-face relationships. I’ve read of submissives wearing signs at parties about thier misbehavior and what punishment they are under. There are many creative ways to be punished in BDSM public and if your relationship allows for this form of activity then the Dominant may deploy it to teach you a lesson.

Proof

For an online or long distance relationship, part of the frustration of both parties is the proof that the punishment was carried out. Unlike the essay option where there is physical proof that it was completed other punishment may require the use of technology.

• Web Cam or Digital Photo – Used when an image is necessary to see that the punishment was carried out. This can be helpful in most any instance of self punishment.
• Other Documentation of Self-Punishment Obedience – things like calendars, text messages, emails and voice messages can help provide proof that you have obeyed.
• Anything else? What other ideas do you have as ways to prove you obeyed and the sentence was carried out?

photo by apesara

Dating in the Lifestyle; What’s the Big Deal?

“It’s so hard to find someone in the Lifestyle that I’m compatible with. You are so lucky to have found someone.”

I don’t know how many times I hear this on a daily basis when conversing. It always brings up my view on the whole dating atmosphere within the Lifestyle. Yes, it is hard to find that special partner who will give you what you want and compliment you in every aspect. However, think back to when you were dating in the vanilla realm. Was it just as hard? Some of you will say no, some will say yes. Those of you that say no, why is that you think?

(Why it seems like there are so few perspective partners to choose from is a different issue.)

Here’s what my opinion is on the subject. Vanilla dating seemed so much easier because we were not upfront and forward about what we needed and wanted in a relationship. Most regular dates I went on before finding my Master never included even the type of person I was looking for physically, let alone telling the person what you wanted in bed or out of the relationship as a whole. You just don’t talk about those things on dates until you both decide to try the relationship thing. In vanilla relationships, what you want and need is usually secretive at first, if expressed at all. Is it hard to find a partner in a vanilla world? Hell yes.

The difference with a BDSM or Lifestyle relationship is that we practically introduce ourselves with a checklist and wants and needs list. We come to the date and begin asking those direct questions of: what are you looking for in a Dom/sub? What do you see the ideal relationship being? What do you like to do during scene?

I feel that we approach a Lifestyle date very differently than we would in a vanilla context. Think about it the next time you are out on a new date. What do you talk about, what do you share with this stranger that you met not long ago? Now how would you go on a similar date with someone in a vanilla relationship? Would you be as upfront to them? No, most likely not. Why is that? You don’t want to scare them away, make them think you are a freak? Many other excuses come to mind.

So, you are thinking, if we come to people up front and share what we want and who we are, why is it still so hard to find the one we need in our lives? Simple, compatibility is hard. We are open with people from the start and so we shuffle through perspective people faster than traditional relationship cycles. This makes us feel like we will never find someone that works for us. It brings us down and envious of people that have found someone to be with, even for a time.

How we approach a Lifestyle date vs. a traditional date is what affects the way we find a partner. Some are looking for play partners, and we express that rather immediately with a Lifestyle date; however in a traditional date you wouldn’t say that you were just looking for someone for the sack and not expect to get slapped or called some offensive names. Those of us looking for relationships we sit down for our dates and talk about what we want and need in a relationship, right down to specifics. We get to know what the other person wants and needs, how they act in situations, how they see themselves and who they want to be years down the road. We know what they are like right way and can decide rather quickly if they will be a decent partner or not. A traditional date is superficial. It’s called date talk. Basically its small talk, where neither party really volunteers any sort of information that would be beneficial to learning if that person is compatible. They just want to get out of the date or make it to the next. Traditional dating is a longer process of getting to know one another, opening up and finding out that the person you’ve been seeing for months isn’t compatible with what you are looking for on one level or another.

Dating is dating. It’s not easy and how we approach is affects the outcome. A BDSM relationship is there for everyone. It’s not easy, but neither is a vanilla relationship. Once you adjust your thinking to how we go about dating and the changes in life that the Lifestyle brings upon us you will see that finding a partner is never easy. Once you do find that special one, you will be grateful for all the hard work.