Exploring BDSM in a Guest Post Feature Series

To herald in the New Year I have been able to collect guest posts from some of the best voices in submission to share with you what it’s like to explore and experience their favorite play activities. Over the next few weeks we will learn about flogging and caning, rope bondage and fire play and more!

If you have a favorite play activity and you’d like to share with the readers what it’s like, please let me know!

You have until January 18th to get me your contributions.

Are you an avid fan of a particular play activity? Would you write a short post about what you experience during the play time; from how it feels, how you respond, what it does to you emotionally and recovery. Sorry, no Dominant posts!

Some ideas for posts:

Spanking,  metal bondage, orgasm denial or come on command, watersports, play piercing/needle play, humiliation, adult babies and so much more. The sky is the limit.

Here’s what I need from you if you want to help:

• Send me an email (subguide@gmail.com) and let me know you want to write a post about _______ topic.
• Write the post. (At least 500 words and the submissive point of view)
• Write a 3-5 sentence bio with at least one way for people to find you online.
• Send me the finished post! I’ll review it and let you know when it will be posted.
• Enjoy the fame when it shows up on the blog!

Chat Night Transcript for Speaking Submissively

This chat was held on December 2nd, 2009.

~lunaKM> So tonight I wanted to talk about speech and how the way we communicate can impact our submission.

Nia> tonight’s topic really struck a chord with me

angel> same here

~lunaKM> I’ve been doing a bit of non-scientific research of my own when I am out and about and am appalled at the way we talk to each other anymore.

~lunaKM> It’s like the care and respect for strangers no longer exists.

~lunaKM> But furthermore, how we talk to our family has also gone downhill.

~lunaKM> We can take our submissive nature (whether learned or natural) and use it to bring back grace and charm to conversation.

~lunaKM> You can feel free to chime in any time thoughts pop into your head, this is an open discussion.

angel> :)

angel> i didn’t want to interrupt

Nia> ty, luna

angel> i agree with you. i’ve notice how even friends in public speak to one another…

~lunaKM> I’d like to touch on gossiping, vulgarities, person bashing and docile speech with your partner

Nia> i concur…observing my and other’s speech at work shames me

angel> my Sir always tells me that you can speak about anything, but it’s how it’s presented that makes the difference

~lunaKM> Exactly and we can cover that first since you brought it up.

~lunaKM> What’s the difference between these to requests:

~lunaKM> a. I’m going to the store Sir.

~lunaKM> b. May I go to the store Sir?

angel> b is a request. a is telling/more aggressive

Nia> i see (a) as information and (b) as a request for permission

~lunaKM> You are both correct.

Nia> i think (a) would be appropriate only as a response to a question from my Mama as to where I am going?

~lunaKM> a was the more aggressive way to voice your need to go to the store.

angel> yes…i also like Nia’s (a) too :)

~lunaKM> :)

angel> i’ll have to admit, though, sometimes it’s hard

~lunaKM> With just a slight change we can turn our requests into questions or suggestions. Words that still give your Dominant the upper hand.

Nia> yes, i agree

~lunaKM> It’s totally hard, I struggle with it all the time.

angel> oh, good. it’s not just me

Nia> i have been away from my Mama for a year…we just got back together a few weeks ago and the transition is harder than i thought

angel> i’m in the same boat with you Nia. my relationship is long distance and i fall out of it at times

angel> the speech, i mean

~lunaKM> Ok, how about these two phrases…(I’m making them up as I go)

~lunaKM> a. The house needs to be repainted.

~lunaKM> b. I’m going to paint the house.

Nia> (a) is definitely more passive in tone

angel> (a) gives the Dominant a chance to respond either yes or no. (b) takes that way

Nia> however, (b) does mean that i am taking responsibility for this chore

~lunaKM> A allows a dialog to be opened up and the Dominant to make decisions.

~lunaKM> If it is your responsiblity to maintain the outside of the house, sure it might be okay, but a cost incurred for doing so may not be.

Nia> (b) does take the risk of offending your Domme

~lunaKM> It sure does

angel> i agree

~lunaKM> Speaking passively is a safer route to take when talking directly to your Dominant.

~lunaKM> Of course it’s something that comes naturally.

Nia> do you feel that it would be the same at home as in public?

~lunaKM> Nia, do you mean in conversations with your Dominant or with everyone?

Nia> with everyone, my Mama and i work together

~lunaKM> There are always occasions where passive speech just will not work

~lunaKM> Times where authority or responsibility is necessary to claim in order to make your point. But in a relationship where your submission is on display, it’s better to be subordinant in speech as well as deed.

~lunaKM> And of course this won’t work for everyone in every relationship.

angel> i think it’s the Dominant who sets the tone as well. sometimes He/She will allow you to take more verbal control of a situation. but i agree in a D/s setting it’s safer to be softer in speech

~lunaKM> My Master hates it when I say, “Whatever you’d like” (being passive) He wants to know my opinion before making decisions and giving him no options frustrates the living daylights out of him.

Nia> i am a switch and also have a sub boi, so i have to change up several times a day

angel> that’s interesting Nia. is your boi with you while you are with your Domme?

Nia> “whatever you like” drives me crazy too, i try to make suggestions, but leave it up to my Mama to set my priorities each day

Nia> so i want to learn how to keep things transparent with my speech, to emphasize my status with each of them in a non-violent manner

angel> i imagine that it is tough to switch verbal gears in that situation. i find it hard to do coming from work :) i try to stop and think of who i am speaking to (my Sir) before responding.

~lunaKM> So you could get really good with switching from passive to active speech. Set it up to an artform!

Nia> and i have 2 teenage daughters who are finding themselves…menopause on top of all of that! whew!

~lunaKM> lol, quite a handful

angel> lol..tough all the way around

~lunaKM> So, how about we move in to gossiping

~lunaKM> What do you feel about gossip?

angel> it’s a fine line between gossiping and sharing

Nia> it’s funny that when my co-workers are gossiping and i’m not, they seem to feel threatened…that i think i’m better than them by refusing to join the conversation

~lunaKM> I think a lot of gossiping is unrequested information about someone else. I used to be a huge gossip girl.

Nia> but i feel that gossip is usually more about the person who is gossiping

~lunaKM> I’d term that as bragging Nia

angel> how did you stop yourself from gossiping, luna?

Nia> not really, i don’t think that i am better than them…they just think that

Nia> yes, how did you stop, luna?

~lunaKM> Well, It wasn’t easy really. I decided that if the information wasn’t about me, that I had no right to share it.

angel> didn’t you feel like you would explode?

angel> :)

~lunaKM> So no matter how badly I wanted to talk about what happened at the party, etc, if it wasn’t me then it wasn’t my story.

Nia> true that

~lunaKM> At first I did feel that way; then I realized that I was not showing myself in a good light if I could simply talk about everyone else without a care for their thoughts.

angel> hmmm…makes perfect sense.

~lunaKM> I now get so many people wanting to share themselves with me because they know I will guard their trust

Nia> how do you keep from getting drawn into the gossip of others?

~lunaKM> And that really is more important.

~lunaKM> Well, I tend to shut gossip down pretty fast. I just tell them that I won’t talk about people that aren’t part of the conversation since we could be getting the facts wrong.

Nia> excellent point and idea

angel> yes, that is a good statement to use-it’s not harsh but puts a spin on it that others may not get the facts right either

~lunaKM> I’ve had to counter that once when someone kept going and asked them why they felt the need to talk about something that could hurt someone else’s reputation/feelings.

~lunaKM> I’ve wanted to say, ‘Is your life really that boring that we have to talk about other people?’

Nia> there are always 2 sides to every story…sometimes more

~lunaKM smirks

Nia> bravo

angel> :)

~lunaKM> I mean gossip is meant to puff up the person gossiping and tear down the person they are talking about, is it not?

Nia> there is so much that i can share about myself and listening to others sharing about themselves…why bring 3rd parties into it?

~lunaKM> So why do they need that inflated ego?

angel> good points

Nia> cursing, or as you called it “vulgarities”, is a character defect i am really struggling with now

Nia> any advice?

~lunaKM> Well, don’t laugh but I make up words instead of using curse words.

~lunaKM> So Jesus Christ has always been jimminey cricket

angel> i have to admit, the only time i do curse is during “relations”. i guess that’s not good either

angel> lol..cute luna

~lunaKM> lol, I can curse all I want during play/sex… it’s a turn on for both of us

Nia> lol…sorry i had to laugh :)

~lunaKM> That’s okay, sometimes Master repeats the word and I realize just how silly it sounds, but it keeps me from getting in trouble for cursing

Nia> for me it more about controlling my speech when i am angry/frustrated…the words just jump out before i can edit them

~lunaKM> Ah well that’s just as hard.

~lunaKM> The only thing for that is tempering…. mental counting before expressing your anger or frustration.

~lunaKM> It’s not something I’m good at yet (thus the fake curse words)

Nia> my Mama just gives a look, and i feel so ashamed

angel> good advice. taking a deep breath. think jimminey cricket

~lunaKM> lol

Nia> hehe

~lunaKM> the one that Master hates is when he says Son of a.. and I finish it with beehive!

angel> LOL

Nia> my youngest daughter charges me a quarter, fifty cents on sundays…i think i’ve paid for her college tuition this year

~lunaKM> that’s a good incentive if it makes a difference, although if you’ve paid tuition then it must not be so good.

angel> lol…money usually works. at least it benefits someone

Nia> well, i yell a lot during football games

Nia> but seriously, i realize how verbally abusive i can be, and want to change

~lunaKM> This is something that you can work on with your Dominant if you ask for help.

angel> maybe if you picture the look from your Mama before you say it, it will help you to cut down on it.

~lunaKM> Of course it’s going to be hard, but if you want to change and it’s a positive thing I don’t see why she wouldn’t help.

Nia> wow, i’ve never even asked for her help….thanks for the suggestions angel & luna

angel> :)

~lunaKM smiles. Sometimes it take someone else to point out the obvious.

~lunaKM> Are we ready for the last point I want to cover tonight?

angel> sure

Nia> yes

~lunaKM> I’ve seen this a lot on online forums and communities

~lunaKM> person/dominant bashing

Nia> ah, i’ve seen this a lot too

~lunaKM> In generalities it’s when someone says that someone isn’t a good Dominant based on one sided conversation, or that you aren’t a true submissive because of x, y and z. Essentially bashing teh person without all the facts.

~lunaKM> In an online community it is almost impossible to know exactly what is going on with someone when they write just as soon as they experience hurt or anger or fear. That isn’t the time to write, but so many do and it starts damaging the reputation of someone else.

angel> i’ve seen that a lot too

Nia> i understand the need to vent, but damaging the reputation of your Dominant isn’t going to help anything

~lunaKM> I tend to steer clear of these sorts of threads except to say that we don’t know the other person’s side or to recommend that the person reflect on the issue after the intense feelings have faded and they may see it in another light.

angel> good point, Nia. sometimes you do need to vent and for some, the online community is all they have. but, maybe it should be with a online friend and not a thread

angel> i wish everyone responded that way, luna :)

Nia> yes, being discrete should come first

Nia> or i wish that they could relate just their side without all of the damaging details (Dominant’s name, etc.)

~lunaKM> I agree

Nia> a saying in recovery programs is “if i am not the problem, there is no solution”

~lunaKM> I think that in those situations they aren’t seeing what THEY did wrong, only what is bothering them from the other person.

angel> exactly

~lunaKM> heh, that’s just about what I said

Nia> yeah, all i read in those posts is an invitation to a pity party

~lunaKM> no kidding and I never accept those invites.

angel> same here

~lunaKM> They are usually closed off to advice that doesn’t support their anger or frustration either.

angel> never thought of it that way, but that’s true

___

Do you have anything else to add? What are your thoughts?

photo by katie teqtmeyer

Write About Your Favorite BDSM Play Activity for Submissive Guide

I’m planning a series of posts in JANUARY related to BDSM activities. Are you an avid fan of a particular play activity? Would you write a short post about what you experience during the play time; from how it feels, how you respond, what it does to you emotionally and recovery. Sorry, no Dominant posts!

Some ideas for posts: Flogging, spanking, rope bondage, metal bondage, orgasm denial or come on command, lactation, watersports, play piercing/needle play, humiliation and so much more. The sky is the limit.

Here’s what I need from you if you want to help:

1. Send me an email (subguide@gmail.com) and let me know you want to write a post about _______ topic.
2. Write the post. (At least 500 words and the submissive point of view)
3. Write a 3-5 sentence bio with at least one way for people to find you online.
4. Send me the finished post! I’ll review it and let you know what day in January it will be posted.
5. Enjoy the fame when it shows up on the blog!

Handling an Addiction While in Service

Those of you who read my blog already know this, but for most of you this will be news. I have an addiction. At the end of last month I came to the realization that I am a binge eater and secret eater. I’m addicted to food and the way it makes me feel. While I’m sure this may not be anything like a drug addiction or alcohol I don’t have experience with them so I can’t write about them. I can write about how my Master and I are dealing with this addiction and my recovery.

When I realized that I had been hiding this secret life of mine from Master I was terrified. I could be ending my relationship with him once I told him that I had been lying for months about what I had been doing out of his sight. Lying is a cardinal offense in our relationship, but I couldn’t go on lying to him. He took it really hard but told me that he would help me get better and that we would be better. I was punished for the lying and immediately I knew he meant business when one of my new rules was that he would handle all the money. He took my debit and credit cards and all the available cash I had. I would have to ask for money to do anything and give him receipts when I returned home. He would start paying attention to everything I spent money on.

Let me tell you that I hated the idea that I couldn’t grab a snack while at the store or a shake on the way home. I dreaded going to the grocery store or anywhere alone after that. What if I was weak and binged anyway and didn’t care if he knew it?  What if I just couldn’t do it?

He’s been very watchful. He tracks everything and asks me everyday if I was good and didn’t cheat. I’m honest with him about it. I will get better with his help and support. I think I have more likelihood of success with him than if I were doing it outside of a D/s dynamic. There is something about the way we function that gives me hope and I can’t explain it. He is strict. He won’t allow me to be lazy about it. He cares for my health and will make sure that I get the help that I can to beat this.

Moreso he will correct me if I do something that sets me back. Failure is not an option with him. Setbacks are meant to be corrected swiftly and then we figure out what will make it better.

I know that an eating disorder isn’t treated the same way as alcoholism or a drug addiction. I can’t just stop taking my drug of choice. I mean an alcoholic just learns not to drink alcohol, drug addicts break their habit. I just can’t stop eating food. I have to learn to control the emotions I’m feeling while eating. I have to make sure that I’m eating at approved times and in approved portions. I will constantly be watching what I eat so that I don’t overdo it.

I’m not handling it well. I like micromanagement but I hate this. I hate that I can’t control this and that’s why he has to micromanage me.  I don’t want to be this way forever. I just want to be healthy. I feel like a hypocrite when I write here. Like because I’m not a perfect submissive I don’t have the right to write here and help you find your own way. Then I have to realize that this is one of the reasons that I make a good Guide. I have so many life experiences that I can associate with submission and hopefully I can connect with some of you in each post. I’m not perfect and that’s what makes me perfect for this blog.

I just had to get this off my chest.

I would love to know how others handle addictions while submitting to someone. What does it do to your relationship? Can you keep it strong or does it alter it negatively forever? Does anyone want to tell their story? I’ll post it here on the blog. Just send it to me at subguide@gmail.com. You can be as anonymous as you’d like.

photo by Megyarsh

The Emotional Side of Sub Drop

Sub Drop can come in many different forms. Sub Drop is the emotional and physical affects of the release and drop of endorphins in the body after a play session.  Most of what you read online are the physical aspects; the fatigue, sadness, aches and pains and recovery from marks. There is a more intense side of Sub Drop that gets very little attention because for each person it is different and describing how to recover can take many forms.

If not cared for, you could go into depression just from one play session. The endorphins and other hormones released during play leave your body in such a way that it takes time to rebuild the balance of hormones in your system. You could feel like you have a hang over or partied too hard the night before, you could feel lost and depressed for hours or days. You may just want to sleep it off. These are the more extreme forms of Drop. Some people recover in a matter of hours, but others could exhibit signs of Sub Drop for weeks after an intense session.

In a previous post I helped you make an Aftercare kit for yourself when you are alone and need to care for yourself, but I never explained why some of those items were in the kit. The purpose of many of the items was to aide in the emotional recovery after a scene. You may not have need for an Aftercare kit, but it is helpful to know why such a thing is recommended.

Two Reasons It Happens More Often in Committed Relationships

Those that are in casual play relationships tend to not have as many drop issues as those in committed relationships.The reason for this is two-fold. First, casual relationships don’t have the same element of intimacy that exists in long term relationships. That’s nto to say that all casual relationships lack intimacy, but if you’ve been in a committed relationship for any amount of time you will know the intimacy for which I speak. This intimacy can cause issues with boundaries and love that when the play is over the submissive can question the validity of those feelings. On several occasions I thought how could he love me if he did that to me. Of course it was consensual and boy did I love it at the time, but once the head space is over, the questions can bring emotions of sadness, questioning and disbelief. These are all normal.

The second reason that Sub Drop occurs more in committed relationships is because limits are tested more frequently and the play could be edgier. Casual relationships tend to not be able to develop the trust and history necessary to test boundaries as easily. No matter how strong the trust is with partners, you can still have feelings of disbelief or even feelings that you can’t believe you like something so perverted, kinky or dirty. Your own doubts can bring about fear, sadness and loneliness. You could even question why you are into BDSM to begin with. Again, very normal.

Address the Emotions

The emotions that can surface during and after play are necessary to address. Don’t keep them bottled up. Write them down, talk about them and keep open communication with your partner. They can help you get through your feelings. Several of the things in the Aftercare kit are meant to help you establish that connection. A notebook to write your feelings down, a phone card to call your partner (if they are long distance), a letter from your partner telling you how they feel about you and perhaps even a voice recording. Call up some friends and get out, if you have lifestyle friends they too can help you recover from Sub Drop.

Other Thoughts on Drop and Aftercare

Drop and Aftercare, A Discussion

Your experience may vary.  What is Sub Drop for you? What’s the best piece of advice someone or yourself gave you to get through it?

photo by Andi♥

Caring for Yourself After a Scene: Self-Aftercare

Aftercare is an important part of recovery from play for many people. It is most common to experience a drop in emotions and energy after play from within hours to even days later. All too often it becomes a necessity to take care of yourself after a play session because your top was just visiting or the play party is over. Even after a few days you may need to carry out some aftercare. Knowing what to do can prevent physical and emotional struggles.

Physically it may seem obvious that you have marks; bruising, cuts, sore muscles, etc that need continued first aid. If you haven’t taken first aid training, you should have a basic medical primer at home. I have one that is a Home Medical Care Manual given to my by my father. It’s come in handy for diagnosing general illnesses and in deciding if a visit to the doctor was necessary.

First Aid for Marks

Knowing basic first aid for bruises, cuts and abrasions is important to caring for your skin and muscle tissues after intense play. There are many schools of thought on bruise care but the best I’ve heard about is Arnica cream sold in the pharmacy area. Cool compresses will help cut down swelling. Treat cuts and abrasions with anti-bacterial and bandages. Scar reduction cremes may also be helpful if you are afraid of marks lasting longer than you’d like.

What is Sub Drop?

Sub Drop is when the endorphins you experienced during play suddenly leave your body and it goes into withdrawals. This can be described as similar to drug addiction recovery. Your body goes through a crash period and is personal to each person. From crying and uncontrollable emotional outbursts, to sadness, depression and anxiety. You could also experience moments of guilt or doubt about your play session and what you enjoyed. Drop can come at your within hours or even days later. It is typically more common with submissives in long term or committed relationships than with casual partners.

Guarding Against Sub Drop

Another issue is the emotional and psychological trauma you may have experienced during play. This can catch up with you shortly after play to days later when you least expect it. To guard against it, drink water before, during and after play. Make sure you do not play while hungry or even slightly ill. Listen to your body and if it’s giving you signs to stop, you should. The only limits you should try to break are emotional and non-physical ones. Your body tells you things for a reason; listen! Drink something with simple sugars after play. Orange juice works wonders.

Creating a Drop Kit

A drop kit can be helpful for Dominants and submissives that experience moderate to severe drop after play sessions. Drop can be associated with feelings of loneliness, mental and physical exhaustion, confusion, insecurity, tremors and many other physical symptoms. It is important to take care of yourself during times of drop. This kit will put all the things necessary at your fingertips.

This is by no means an exhaustive list, please feel free to add your own personal selections.

• Warm blanket
• First Aid Kit
• First Aid Manual
• Bath salts
• Bubble bath
• Scented candles
• Incense
• Favorite book
• Prepaid calling card
• Hard candy
• Favorite beverages
• Lotion
• Journal
• Relaxing music
• Letter from your partner
• Stuffed animals
• Coloring books/crayons
• Gift card to favorite restaurant
• Vitamin E
• Favorite movie

Do you have any personal items you’d add to your own Drop Kit?

photo credit Meredith_Farme