One month into my first real time D/S relationship: A Training Review

This is a Guest Post by A. She is a new submissive in her first 24/7 dynamic. I received this wonderfully written review of her first 30 days and she offered to share it with everyone here. Enjoy!

It has come to my attention after reading submissiveguide.com that my training with Sir has already begun, though not outright labeled as such.  Indeed, every relationship I have ever had has begun in this way, learning the likes and dislikes of my partner and trying to accommodate, but with Him, I am more aware of this process, as it is more deliberate.  At the outset, on the day of our first meeting, he instructed me to wear a black dress, and sit in the park reading and await Him.  I am validated to read in Luna’s writing that my concern over my appearance, and also trying to be peaceful, not fidget and patient was already a positive in the direction of desired qualities in a submissive.  Since that day, we have grown together in many ways, and the ways in which I have learned to please Him are outlined below.  I plan to update this list periodically, to track the ways in which I deepen my submission, the ways in which my wants and needs evolve and dovetail with His.

Speech:

Sir:
Use of the word Sir was discussed online, before we had even initially met.  He indicated I could call Him whatever I wished, but desired Sir for intimate moments.  As we grew closer, it applied whenever He was asserting His dominance, be it out in public, online or on the phone and I show my acceptance and submission with the honorific response.

Thank you:
At various times I have been corrected for not thanking Him for the orgasm He allowed me to have.  I have begun to thank Him for blows He gives me in certain contexts, He has not commented either way on this, or corrected when I do not.

Wording:
When I removed His shoes, I asked if He would like to keep His socks or not.  This is something I am still trying to work on, my natural way of speaking is to ask “can I?”  but I am well aware “may I” is more appropriate.  Sir does not comment on this, but I feel it is more respectful, and I’m frustrated with myself at each error.

Enunciation:
Another flaw of mine is that in the course of being together, when I am excited, I often forget the appropriate response of “yes Sir, no Sir” and may make a moaning sort of affirmation or denial. His tone changes immediately as he demands the proper response and I know I run the risk of displeasing Him should I not enunciate properly.

Positions:

Spanking:
Sir is particular about positions and protocol.  When I am to be spanked, I am to kneel and bend over with my face flat, shoulders to the bed, and present myself.  He prefers my back to be straight, which is difficult for me, as my natural tendency is to reverse arch my back.  As I am punished, I am most often allowed to cry out, but not to move.  If I flinch, I am to return to the instructed position immediately without hesitation.  If I am to stand and be punished, I must brace myself stiff armed on a designated piece of furniture, slightly bent, head down.

Undressing:
I am just now beginning to learn how to undress for Sir. I feel a bit silly, but the lingerie I wear for Him helps. So far He has only specified me to remove my panties while facing away from Him, slightly bent over.  Beyond that He has only asked that I please Him with my removal of my clothes, and I try to be creative and pleasing in the process.

Waiting to Serve Sexually:
When Sir decides He wishes to use me I am ordered to get on the bed, on my back, legs spread open and knees up, so He can gaze at me exposed while He readies Himself to enter me.  Often I will casually hold this position, while writhing a bit, gazing at Him to allow Him to feel my passion and desire, and my hunger. Occasionally He will correct me and tell me to be still, but generally He enjoys my arousal and encourages me to exhibit these feelings.

From the Rear:
As one of Sir’s favorite ways to have me, positioning for rear entry is very important.  He prefers a similar position to that of spanking, with more of a reverse lean so as to better accommodate His thrusts.

Rituals and Behavior:

Morning Check In:
Each day when I get up, I am to write to Him, tell Him my plans for the day, and say hello. Sometimes He responds with additional commands, which may include meditating on a certain subject, writing, masturbation or explicit instructions to abstain from that. Other times He responds with a brief “good morning my sweet girl.” Other times He does not respond at all. The initial contact on my part is the focus, and allows me to show that in waking up to start my day, He is in my first thoughts.

Shoes:
My first actual training occurred when we reached my home our first day together.  Sir sat on my couch, and took one of the pillows, placing it at His feet, He instructed me to kneel and remove His shoes.  He informed me at that time that His women do not kneel on the floor, only on pillows, and so I learned my first lesson. Now, unless we are in a rush, I kneel at His feet and put on and remove His shoes.

Worship:
In removing or putting on of shoes, I always kiss the tops of His feet.  Once the shoes are off or on respectively, from my kneeling position I wrap my arms around His calves, and press my head down softly on His lap. He then bends at the waist, and embraces me and we hold that moment.  In this way, I show my devotion and love, and He shows His acceptance and reciprocation.

Sir also requires certain ways of being touched, especially after intercourse.  He prefers His chest to be stroked and will directly request it.

Massage:
Due to injury, regular massage is very beneficial to Him, so often I do massage His muscles for Him, both solicited and unsolicited.  As I do these things for Him, I try to focus on the feelings I have for Him, all I appreciate that He does for me, and allow that warmth and tenderness to radiate through my hands.  This is to me, one of the highest forms of worship and a deep communion between us.

Fetching:
I have the natural desire, when fetching something for Him, to kneel and present the item with both hands upon my return. Sir has expressed appreciation for this, and thus I adopt it.

Toys:
Sir introduces all toys and equipment by either presenting it to me or instructing me to fetch it for Him. He then presents it to my lips and I kiss it, typically a flogger, rope or a slapper, though a blindfold or other bondage instruments, hair brush, etc, are managed similarly.

When Sir is finished with the toy, or when I am cleaning up the room afterward, I am to take the toy to the closet where it is kept, and hang it very deliberately in its designated spot. I stop the swaying with my hands, then bend at the waist to kiss the item, as He watches.  He then closes the closet door.

Presentation:
Sir prefers that the condom box be displayed in my room, with one always set on top, ready and anticipating His need.

Orgasm Control:
Sir has decreed that I may not orgasm without His permission.  As I feel it build, I am to ask, and if He says no, resist it.  This has been my sole punishable infraction to date, as the way in which He was having me made it next to impossible to resist, and in complete honesty, I wanted to see what would happen.  Since that time though, with punishment looming over my head, I improved a great deal, and even redeemed myself, forgiven and excused from the punishment.  Sir has been pleased to the point where He has moved on to orgasm on command.

Orgasm on Command:
Sir employs both the counting method and basic instruction for orgasm on command training and only during sex, which makes it easier for me.  He wishes to lessen my response time however.  I myself would like to be trained by Sir to orgasm independent of sexual stimulation; i.e. a simple word can trigger that response but that is at His discretion.

Clothing:
Usually He does not request specific items of clothing to be worn, but generally I ask when planning to see Him, what He would like for me to wear. As we are still in the beginnings of our relationship, He is not 100% familiar with my wardrobe, but I do my best to accommodate His requests.

Personal Grooming:
Sir often does request specific hair styles of me, and I do my best to please Him in this way. Also, He prefers me to have pubic hair, which I have always removed. Growing out and getting used to this hair has been challenging for me, but His pleasure in knowing it is difficult but seeing that I obey nonetheless makes it a rewarding task.

A is a submissive from Boston MA.  She has experienced elements of BDSM in the past, but is now embarking on her first 24×7 collared relationship.  She happily shares her progress with others who may be inspired in a similar manner. You can find her on FetLife as northern_siren.

Photo by and of A.

When Protocol Becomes Boring

Protocol. It can be a scary word if you are new to submission. In a relationship, it is likely that you will have some protocol established to control your behavior. So, what is protocol? Simply defined, protocol is the set of special rules that you follow for defined situations that remind you of your place in the relationship. Every relationship is different and will have a different level of protocol. One of my first protocol rules was to call my Dominant ‘Master’ when in private and lifestyle event situations. It was a simple change in my normal behavior and a reminder of my place in the relationship.

As the protocols developed I was so excited to finally be doing what I had dreamed about and read in so many BDSM fiction books. I was living with rules and protocol and my mindset thrived. I felt so good about my place in the relationship and the happiness that Master displayed at my success. The pleasure I felt wasn’t just sexual it was like a part of my soul was finally being satisfied.

It didn’t last. After a few months I started to feel less happy about my protocol. It felt less like bliss and more like a chore. I had lost the attachment to WHY the protocol was in place to begin with; the reminder of my place in the relationship. The honeymoon period was over. Things got really rocky in our relationship because the effort involved in doing the protocol got more and more difficult for me, and the stress he experienced was just as bad.

What happened?

I lost focus for why the rules and protocols existed in the first place. I stopped feeling my submission when I obeyed and began rebelling with what I had gotten so used to doing for joy. I started looking to those fiction stories I’ve read for some sort of answer to my loss in vision. Why couldn’t I make the fantasy my reality? I was very stuck with that thought.

So what did I do?

Talk about it: I first approached my Dominant and explained to him how I was feeling and expressed that I didn’t like what had happened to me and us. We have a very open communication stream and it didn’t come as a surprise to him that this conversation was occurring. We talked about how long I had been feeling off task and also some ideas of what I could do to get back on track. It wasn’t an easy conversation as the fault, which is hard for me to take, was all mine.

The fantasy was just that; fantasy. I had to find my own reality in the protocols. I had to seek the happiness I once had and hang on to it. I started reviewing my rules on a daily basis. I developed a meditation routine to do to keep my submission blossoming. I learned how to self-correct my behavior before it became noticeable.

Most importantly, I made it a priority to create my own reality; one that would work better than trying to live a fantasy. It’s a constant work in progress and I still have my bad and good days. I know it will get better. One day I will be living as I’ve dreamed and the peace that I strive for everyday will find me.

photo by lepiaf.geo

Is It Submission If You Like What You’re Doing?

I love surfing the submissive blogs to see what other people are talking about. Many times it gives me something to talk about here on this site. This post is one such example. Over on Underhishand.com, kaya asked about submission and what qualifies it as submission. She asked if you are not expected to do things that you don’t like, can it be submission? Can activities that you would do normally become submission just by someone telling you to do them, or being directed to perform them?

It’s an interesting question and one that has me really thinking about what I consider submission, whether I would be considered a submissive for what I do and how would my life be if it fell into kaya’s philosophy. How would you decide what is considered submitting and what doesn’t?

In my opinion, anything that a Dominant asks the submissive to do is considered submission to them when performed. This can be as basic as making coffee in the morning to being forced to lick his shoes even though you have expressed a distaste for that.  Whether or not you would do them without direction doesn’t matter. It is still submission because the Dominant has expressed that x, y and z would make them happy.

For kaya, only things that are considered submission are things you have to be challenged, pushed and  forced to do. Essentially doing things that the only joy would be in knowing that your Dominant is happy that you did them.

If everything you’re doing is stuff that you would do on your own anyway, and the only difference now is that someone is telling you to do what you were already doing, and you’re never challenged or pushed or expected to, you know, actually submit to something or someone…. I have trouble seeing the submission. –kaya

Let’s use a basic example and apply it to kaya’s question in different situations. The activity I will use for this discussion is washing dishes. Let’s say that on a normal day a submissive not in a relationship does the dishes once a day before bed. It’s a habit that they have developed and maintained.

Entering into a relationship, this same submissive is told that they have to do the dishes once a day. Since they already have this habit in place, can this be submission? Yes it is because the Dominant has now expressed a desire for the submissive to maintain the habit they already have in place. You are submitting to the Dominant’s wishes to continue a desirable habit.

Now consider if the Dominant asked the submissive to wash the dishes within a half hour after dinner is complete. The dishes being washed is still only once a day but it means changing the habit to obey the Dominant and do them earlier. Is this now submission? In this instance I would also say that yes, it is submission. This is an example of behavior modification and once the submissive moves their habit to washing the dishes at the right time, the daily dish washing would still continue to be a routine that would likely continue with or without the Dominant. It would please the Dominant to have the submissive change their habit to suit their preferences.

Next the Dominant sets up a specific washing routine that the submissive needs to follow. This routine specifies what the submissive should wear to do dishes, what order to wash them in and perhaps even how they are to be placed in the drying rack. All of the items in this routine are different from what the submissive has been doing in their habit of washing the dishes once a day. Is this now submission? Yes. It’s a new routine that the submissive must follow and obey, and to please the Dominant, the new order must be upheld. Even if this would then become habit, the submissive performs for the Dominant’s pleasure.

What if another submissive enters the relationship and is asked to do the dishes on a daily basis. This submissive hates doing the dishes and yet is expected to fulfill the Dominant’s desire. Is this submissive MORE submissive than the other just based on the fact that they are being made to do something that they don’t normally enjoy or want to do? No. They are still submissive as long as they carry out the request.

What I’m trying to get at here, is that submission is based on what is agreed upon in the relationship. It can include things that you are happy doing and that make you feel good when you do them. There may also be things that challenge you, or push you to some limit and you have to perform them just as well. Putting limits on what is submissive and what isn’t is a lot like competition with others, that I’ve already expressed an opinion on.

It is an individual idea of what is submissive behavior and what isn’t. The importance is not to express it out loud to the person if you disagree with how they do things or if you define what they are doing as NOT submissive. Everyone has a right to live their life however they want, and if they submit by doing only things that they love and adore (and the Dominant agrees to this) then who’s to say that they aren’t submissive?

photo by three7zero

Help Submissive Guide Raise $1000 for NLA-I DVP for National Domestic Violence Awareness Month

It’s important to have a cause you believe in, for me it’s the National Leather Association-International Domestic Violence Project. Their cause to bring awareness of the differences in BDSM and abuse as well to help victims of domestic violence in BDSM-related relationships find assistance and get help really provide a service that you can’t get anywhere else. That’s why I’m setting up this blog as a charity fundraiser for the month of October.

In just a moment I’m going to tell you how you can donate to the NLA-I DVP but let’s first get to know the charity I stand behind and want you to support as well.

• Every year the NLA-I DVP provides workshops for individuals and kink-associated groups on the difference between BDSM and abuse as well as its related topics.
• They provide training, pamphlets, or other NLA-I DVP related materials to domestic violence agencies and services at the state, national, and international levels when it is necessary to improve or educate services and agencies about the BDSM/Kink/Leather communities.
• NLA-I DVP also produces a quarterly newsletter with information on resources, NLA-I DVP updates, and other related domestic violence information.
• Maintains a resource directory for individuals looking for help and assistance as well as agencies that are looking for resources to help them work with the kink community in situations of domestic violence.

Why should you consider donating to NLA-I DVP?

The charity runs on a volunteer basis and without donations by people like you they can not fund the work that they do. If in an unfortunate situation, you have need of their aid, I want to help make sure they can provide that for you.

Now, how can you help me help them?

I’m trying to raise at least $1000 this month for NLA-I DVP. No amount is too small. I will be using ChipIn.com to help manage the money raising. This means that money goes directly to the charity and does not go through me or someone else. I can also track how much money has been raised.

If you want to place a widget on your website like the one below that is connected to the fund raising, click on the COPY tab in the blue widget box to grab the code. Spread the word about this charity event and give to a good cause.

Added Bonuses

If the very cause isn’t enough for you, I’ve got an added bonus. For every $10 donated, I will put your name in a drawing for a $100 gift certificate from JT’s Stockroom. This drawing will take place November 4th. The more you donate, the more chances you have to win.

Can’t Donate but want to help?

Do you have a blog or website? For every post you make about the charity fundraiser, or if you want to put the widget on your site during the month of October I will submit your name into another drawing for a $25 gift certificate to Amazon.com. Send me an email if you have posted it on your website please (subguide@gmail.com).

I also have banners, if you want to use one of those. Please link back to THIS POST.

<a href=”http://www.submissiveguide.com/2009/10/submissive-guide-raise-1000-nlai-dvp-national-domestic-violence-awareness-month/”><img src=”http://www.submissiveguide.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/10/NLA-I-DVP-Banner-ALTERNATE.jpg” /></a>

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Do you use Twitter? Every day you tweet about the fundraiser will give you one entrance into the $25 gift certificate giveaway from Amazon.com. Please tweet the following text to be considered.

Donate $10 to NLA-I DVP for chance to win $100 gift certificate to JT’s Stockroom! #nlaidvp

http://tinyurl.com/qnu6bf

Give to a good cause today!

Donate Now!

Exploring Your Place in BDSM Play

Submission during play can be overwhelming. How do you understand what you might like? What about the buzz words of subspace and sub drop? One of Submissive Guide’s goals is to help novice submissives understand BDSM and their place in it. To help you begin your exploration I’ve put together a list of the posts here to help you on your journey.

• Why BDSM is NOT D/s – skylarpet shares her thoughts on the differences between BDSM and the relationship type D/s.
• Safe Sane and Consensual – Learn what your responsibilities are when it comes to playing.
• RACK – SSC not your idea of a good way to play? Try Risk Aware Consensual Kink.
• The BDSM Checklist that will Really Help You – Checklists offered online are extensive, overwhelming and increasingly not useful. Learn how to write one that will work with your development.
• Using Playtime Check-Ins Wisely – Communicating effectively during play is vital to a comfortable and pleasurable playtime.
• To Safeword or Not to Safeword – The use of safewords in BDSM and deciding if they are important to you.
• Nonverbal Ways to Safeword – How do you express discomfort or the need to stop when you are gagged or hooded? Come read about some nonverbal options.
• Packing a Toybag – Dominants are not the only ones who should come prepared. See what you should have with you when you play.
• Sub Space – What is it? Do I want it? How much does it cost?
• Emotional Aspects of Sub Drop – The crash when play is over can be physical and emotional. Take a look at the emotional side; which can be the hardest to deal with.
• Sub Frenzy – What is it and can you get it? Is it contagious? Find out how you can cool the fever!
• Aftercare for Yourself – Putting together a kit to help you heal after playing is important in casual and live-in relationships.

This isn’t all there is to BDSM play, trust me. But it’s a start. Now open for questions!

photo by spankmeeehard

Handling an Addiction While in Service

Those of you who read my blog already know this, but for most of you this will be news. I have an addiction. At the end of last month I came to the realization that I am a binge eater and secret eater. I’m addicted to food and the way it makes me feel. While I’m sure this may not be anything like a drug addiction or alcohol I don’t have experience with them so I can’t write about them. I can write about how my Master and I are dealing with this addiction and my recovery.

When I realized that I had been hiding this secret life of mine from Master I was terrified. I could be ending my relationship with him once I told him that I had been lying for months about what I had been doing out of his sight. Lying is a cardinal offense in our relationship, but I couldn’t go on lying to him. He took it really hard but told me that he would help me get better and that we would be better. I was punished for the lying and immediately I knew he meant business when one of my new rules was that he would handle all the money. He took my debit and credit cards and all the available cash I had. I would have to ask for money to do anything and give him receipts when I returned home. He would start paying attention to everything I spent money on.

Let me tell you that I hated the idea that I couldn’t grab a snack while at the store or a shake on the way home. I dreaded going to the grocery store or anywhere alone after that. What if I was weak and binged anyway and didn’t care if he knew it?  What if I just couldn’t do it?

He’s been very watchful. He tracks everything and asks me everyday if I was good and didn’t cheat. I’m honest with him about it. I will get better with his help and support. I think I have more likelihood of success with him than if I were doing it outside of a D/s dynamic. There is something about the way we function that gives me hope and I can’t explain it. He is strict. He won’t allow me to be lazy about it. He cares for my health and will make sure that I get the help that I can to beat this.

Moreso he will correct me if I do something that sets me back. Failure is not an option with him. Setbacks are meant to be corrected swiftly and then we figure out what will make it better.

I know that an eating disorder isn’t treated the same way as alcoholism or a drug addiction. I can’t just stop taking my drug of choice. I mean an alcoholic just learns not to drink alcohol, drug addicts break their habit. I just can’t stop eating food. I have to learn to control the emotions I’m feeling while eating. I have to make sure that I’m eating at approved times and in approved portions. I will constantly be watching what I eat so that I don’t overdo it.

I’m not handling it well. I like micromanagement but I hate this. I hate that I can’t control this and that’s why he has to micromanage me.  I don’t want to be this way forever. I just want to be healthy. I feel like a hypocrite when I write here. Like because I’m not a perfect submissive I don’t have the right to write here and help you find your own way. Then I have to realize that this is one of the reasons that I make a good Guide. I have so many life experiences that I can associate with submission and hopefully I can connect with some of you in each post. I’m not perfect and that’s what makes me perfect for this blog.

I just had to get this off my chest.

I would love to know how others handle addictions while submitting to someone. What does it do to your relationship? Can you keep it strong or does it alter it negatively forever? Does anyone want to tell their story? I’ll post it here on the blog. Just send it to me at subguide@gmail.com. You can be as anonymous as you’d like.

photo by Megyarsh

Submissive Guide 2 Book Contest

In celebration of 6 months of existence and almost 200 posts here on Submissive Guide I’m excited to announce my first contest! Since Submissive Guide is all about enhancing and growing in your submission the first giveaway will be for two books from Amazon.com. The books are Erotic Slavehood: A Miss Abernathy Omnibus by Christina Abernathy and The New Bottoming Book by Janet Hardy. These are both excellent books to develop your submission and now both can be yours!

How to Enter

• Tweet this text: RT @subguide: I’m giving away Erotic Slavehood and The New Bottoming Book! Retweet to enter. Rules: http://is.gd/VVkP .
• You may tweet up to once a day. Each tweet counts as one entry. It’s up to you to decide how much you want to annoy your followers.
• You must be following me on Twitter or leave a comment on this post, so I can contact you if you win.
• I’ll give you an extra entry if you write a post on your blog about this contest. Be sure to send me the link, or reply to this post and let me know.
• The deadline is July 14th, 2009 at 11:59 p.m. CST.
• I will keep a list detailing each entry, and will be picking the winner using the List Randomizer.

Also…

• You must be willing to give me your address.
• Amazon.com ships internationally, so you don’t have to live in the U.S. to enter! Hurrah!

This Collar, That Collar, Your Collar, My Collar

A collar for submissives is one of the most fundamental symbols of their relationship and one that is usually gaurded and protected with their heart.  With all the essays online about collars I thought I’d jump in with my own take on what everyone says and believes about collars.

Play Collars

The first type of collar is the play collar. No matter what type of relationship you have now, at one point you had a leather collar with a D-ring or two that you wore during BDSM play. It’s quite common for anyone into BDSM to get one for all of the dark desires that get played out. Lifestyle submissives may have a collar worn during play also in addition to their permanent collar. 

Online Collars

An online collar may not be something you feel should be covered in the same post as ‘real’ collars, but no matter how you earn or wear your collar, they symbolism of the collar means the same thing. An online collar is usually denoted with brackets and your Dom’s initials next to your nickname. I’ve seen curly braces {Dom} for online-only and square braces [Dom] for real-time collars. Heck, I’ve even seen one of each to signify that there is real time play, but the relationship is mostly online. Creatively speaking it is interesting to see the number of collars online and to ask what it means to them to wear it. When I’m online I tend to wear one out of habit from my online days.

The issue most people have with online collars is their velcro like quality. It is not uncommon to see a submissive with a different collar everytime they are online. I don’t get offended by it really, but many others feel it cheapens the value of their own collars. Although they are allowed to express their feelings and they are valid I don’t believe another person has any bearing on your own collar. In the case of velcro collars, I like to think of them as play collars. You only wear it during play and if you are a casual player you could very well have one for each Dom you play with. It’s along the same premise. 

Symbolism

The collar is the most outward symbol that a submissive can wear that was given to them by their Dominant. It is usually the most important piece of jewelry worn on a daily basis. There are many different ways to think about your collar. Some consider it equal to an engagement ring or wedding band. The commitment that they feel in the relationship makes it that important. For others it is a strong symbol of commitment but not of the same calibre as a wedding ring. Further yet, there are people who feel their collar is just a symbol and nothing more. There is a wide spectrum of others who feel somewhere in the middle of it all. There is no one correct way to feel about your collar.

What might one look like?

A collar comes in as many physical forms as it does symbolisms. A collar can be a basic leather band, a piece of jewelry, specially made steel locking collars, tattoos, brands, piercing or other mark. There really is no rule for what one should look like as long as the people involved in the relationship agree with what it means to them.  

Would you like to share what your collar looks like? Send me a picture and I will include it in this post.

Levels of collars

I’ve read from Mistress Steele’s website about the different levels of collars. According to the website these are Collar of Consideration, Training Collar and Formal Collar. I personally don’t have any experience with the different levels. I was under consideration during our first few months together, but face it, so was he ;) I earned my collar after 18 months being together. It is a serious thing for us and one of the most special memories I have.

There is nothing wrong with desiring a graduated system of collars. It could be under the same idea of how Leathermen earn their leathers. It’s a progression and well worth it.

RACK: An Alternative to SSC

In a previous post I talked about Safe, Sane and Consensual or SSC, a safety mantra that quite a bit of the BDSM community has picked up as a way to explain ourselves to non-lifestyle people. It’s an easy way to explain what can’t really be explained. I don’t intend to make this a primer for RACK, just like I didn’t have that intention for SSC. It’s a viewpoint, plain and simple.

If you have ever tried to explain what we do to someone that doesn’t have any familiarity you will probably use these very standards to stand up to your descriptions. An alternative, but one that is even hard for some BDSM practitioners to embrace is called RACK. It stands for Risk Aware Consensual Kink. The only think that the two safety standards have in common is the consensuality of it.

Risk Aware

All of the activities that you can participate in have some level of risk to them. From something as basic as a spanking, to verbal humiliation, edge play, or the even more intense forms of play. These risks can be physical, mental, emotional and psychological. Can you place a label of safe on something that carries risks such as burns, bruising, cuts, scrapes, mental anguish, stress, fatigue, headaches or other dangers?

Consensual

Just like SSC, consensual means that both parties agree to the activities and negotiations that have occurred. This is probably the most important premise of both mantras. Without consensuality, then it is considered illegal. Illegal generally isn’t the way I’d want to play.

Shift in Purpose

The purpose of RACK is awareness and education. You should endeavor to learn all there is about a play activity before engaging in it.

danae from Within Reality explains the differences with a scenario played by both versions.

The difference between the two terms is even more clear when the spirit of them is applied in the public scene.

When watching a scene that may involve some heavy risk you might hear the person next to you whisper to their partner “they shouldn’t do that…its unsafe…that is a dangerous Dominant” – that is the spirit of SSC.

If you hear whispered “I wonder if he knows the risk involved in doing that….I wonder if he does “this” it could be made safer….I think I will tell him about it later after his scene” – that is the “spirit” of RACK.

I really like her viewpoint. Do you hear whispers of  ‘dangerous Dominant’ at parties you frequent? Is it really true? Is the DM stopping the play for safety concerns?

What Should You Do When Your Wants or Needs Aren’t Met?

To conclude this series on wants and needs I’d like to talk about what to do when you needs and wants are not being met.  We’ve already discussed how important the fulfillment of needs are to your relationship and also what your desires are. You can also review how to express your wants and needs to your partner so that you are both on level footing. If you need to review, please do so.

Men and women live in relationships all the time and are unhappy because they don’t get what they need from the other person. No matter how much talking or arguing goes on, nothing gets accomplished. We’ve all seen the divorce rate increase due to irreparable differences. Most of these probably could be prevented if we all learned to explain our wants and needs to each other.

Your wants and needs are a part of a D/s relationship. If they aren’t being respected and honored then  you have a few things you can do to bring the relationship back on track.

• Sit them down and have a heart to heart with your partner. Use non-attacking words. Don’t say “You do this, or you don’t do that.” Instead stick with ‘I’ words. “I feel…”, “I believe…”, “I need…”.
• Suggest changing up your relationship by adding x,y and z. These are needs or wants that are not being fulfilled.
• Write a letter to your partner about your feelings. This could open up lines of conversation that may not exist now.

Unfortunately there are times where needs or wants can’t be filled by the person you are with. If the above ideas don’t help improve you sense of happiness and fulfillment then you will have to face the truth that they may not be the right person for you.

Leaving a relationship is a difficult decision and one that shouldn’t be taken lightly. I feel that if your happiness is in jeopardy then you should do what’s best for you.

Do you have ideas for what to do in this situation?

Wants and Needs Series

1. Know What You Want, Learn What You Need
2. Distinguishing Between Wants and Needs
3. The Importance of Needs
4. Expressions of Wants and Needs
5. What Should You Do When Your Wants or Needs Aren't Met?

A Submissive Approach to Safe, Sane and Consensual

When you first enter the more public BDSM community one of the largest catch phrases you will here is SSC, also known as Safe, Sane and Consensual. It is a security blanket approach to safety when playing and negotiation of play. As a submissive, you have a lot of responsibility to keeping yourself safe and well.

When I first learned about SSC I found that it was very important that I understand what it means to me and my experiences in BDSM. Everywhere I went I found essays that mostly pertained to playing safely, negotiating and choosing the right partners. It didn’t really sit well with me because I was looking for a relationship and not just play. So I defined it for what I was looking for.

Safe

While most essays you read will undoubtedly say that you need to play safely with respects to using barriers, who you play with and within your knowledge level or experience level none of them touch on relationship safety.

Safety as far as relationships go would be protecting what you feel to be valuable. This would be your limits, your needs and wants and any other substantial believe systems you already have in place, such as religion or family ties.

You also want to protect your physical and emotional safety. During negotiations for a relationship, or just getting to know one another, figure out how your partner plans to take care of you and if they will allow you some leeway in how you can care for yourself if needed. Even slaves have responsibility to make sure that their emotional and physical well-being is taken care of.

Sane

For sanity the essays out there stick with knowing fantasy from reality and not acting on fantasy. There is so much more attached to the word sane though. For example, what about expectations of service; keep them realistic. No submissive should be expected to learn 4 pages of rules and protocol in a short period of time or kneel for hours on end without a break. This is what fantasy porn is made of.

Also, listen to your gut about red flags and uneasiness. You generally don’t have invalid feelings when you feel it in your gut. If something feels crazy, then it’s perfectly okay to investigate it. Keep it yourself sane.

Consensual

Of course the two or more parties involved should agree to the play activities, it’s pretty much a given. BDSM isn’t about forcing the unwilling at all. But also, this part of SSC covers illegal activities such as incest, child abuse, animal abuse and other unsavory activities.

When relating it to relationships consensual should be that all relationship items should be agreed upon. There are good dominants and bad dominants. Holding onto your wits and enforcing your rights should keep the bad ones at bay. This means that no rules should be forced upon your that you don’t want to do.

All in all, keep it safe, sane and consensual.

In another essay, I’ll talk about the alternative to SSC called RACK.

The Nitty Gritty of the BDSM Lifestyle

There are so many primers out there about BDSM I’m not sure if another one is really needed. Then again with all the basic questions asked on forums and chat rooms about BDSM it’s unlikely that my words will not be read by someone and that they will take something new from them.

BDSM is an umbrella term for Bondage, Discipline, Dominance, Submission, Sadism, Masochism. Each of these words on their own is a giant term with a lot of other vocabulary under them. Basically anything kinky will fall under one of these terms. You don’t have to know all of the vocabulary to practice BDSM but if you are really curious there are BDSM dictionaries all over the web.

The Kinky Dictionary

Informed Consent’s BDSM Dictionary

Dictionary and BDSM Backroom

On top of knowing some of the words comes learning some of the expectations and experiences you can have in the BDSM Lifestyle. Becoming a submissive in a D/s dynamic is just like any other relationship with one very important difference. The roles are set, not fluid like a regular relationship. A dominant and submissive never switch roles (unless in agreed upon circumstances) and the relationship continues strongly as this dynamic. People can be into kinky play and only engage in their roles in the bedroom or they can be in control of their chosen role throughout their lives.

Neither is greater or less valuable to BDSM. What one chooses to do within their relationship is personal and unique. Liking other people’s kinks is not required, but accepting them is looked favorably on. There are many things that I would never entertain as pleasurable or enjoyable but I can appreciate someone else’s desire to do them for those reasons.

Not everyone you meet that is into BDSM wants to be part of a community. You can’t make someone come out into BDSM public and say they are kinky. BDSM is still in the closet for most folks and that’s okay with them. Those who want to be a part of the community you bring with you a wonderful amount of experience and personal knowledge that everyone, including new people, can learn from.

Is it a Lifestyle?

BDSM is a Lifestyle for me. I live it all the time, it’s who I am. This is not the case with over half of the known BDSM population. The range of participation varies greatly. I can’t say that I know exact numbers, but I know that out of 10 people I could met in a room, 7 of them probably do not identify as Lifestyle BDSM’ers. That’s fine with me, we can still chat kink and not get all uncomfortable becuase we aren’t EXACTLY alike, right?

There are many different roles you can play in BDSM as well, from Top, Dominant or Master to bottom, submisssive and slave. There are also variations on these roles as well depending on the type of dynamic you want. You could be in a Daddy/little girl or Mommy/little boy dynamic. You could be in a Poly Master/slave household where you are the alpha. You could just be kinky and love the fun stuff in the bedroom. It’s all available to you.

What’s the Big Deal?

BDSM is a big deal to those that have anything to do with it because it turns them on in some way; sexually, intellectually, emotionally or all of the above. BDSM is not always sex driven, but it can be. The kinky among us consider it almost a sexual orientation; even I’ve given this idea a thought or two on my blog.

Is it Safe?

Depends really on what you define as safe. BDSM has two different stands on safety. One is SSC; Safe, Sane and Concensual. The other is RACK; Risk Aware Concensual Kink. The only thing in common with these two is the concensuality. The interpretations are different as different can be. Justin Medlin wrote an essay titled ‘SSC vs. RACK‘ explaining the differences between the two.