March is Question Month

As so many bloggers are known to do, I am opening up this site for your questions… even the personal ones. March is the month known in a small sphere as Question Month!

If you have a question about submission, your own struggles or anything to do with BDSM this is your chance. I’ll also take personal questions about myself and you can ask questions directed at my new contributors as well. I’ll take questions until March 30th. You can post a comment on this post or email me via the form at the top of the site. I will not use your name unless you allow me to.

This should be an interesting experience. Please feel free to ask me (or Rayne, nan{SL},mrsK) anything.

Novice Q&A – February Edition

Novice Q & A is for you to ask questions about things you’d like more information on, advice you are looking for or anything else. You can even ask me personal questions! My inbox is always open so you can send me questions whenever they occur. Last month I answered questions about appropriate greetings and topping from the bottom in new relationships, if you’d like to take a look, head on over to January’s Edition of the Q&A.

Question:

“I am starting to make friends in the community and enjoy going to the munches, but the idea of actually trying anything terrifies me. I went to a play party last night to observe and really didn’t see anything that interested me. I was asked a few times what I wanted to try and I honestly could not give them an answer. After I left the party and all day today I felt like I want to run for the hills.

“I just don’t know what to do, something interests me enough that I walked through the doors of the munch, but now I’m too scared to try to figure out what it is I want. For weeks I have had this image of myself holding an apple (as in the forbidden fruit) trying to decide “do I take a bite or not” and now the image has shifted to the apple is on the other side of this great wall (I can only image the wall if my fear) and I’m trying to figure out if I want to climb over or not.”

My Response:

Being a novice submissive and fearful of that first step is common. Let me tell you what I think based on your short missive to me.

You may not be SM inclined. Most play parties are all about the flesh and intense sensation. Perhaps what drew you to BDSM and the fact that you like munches is actually the submissive/service aspect. You may be more attracted to the idea of a Dominant man/woman and providing them with an atmosphere of service and comfort. Now these are just guesses, but if you feel the sensation to run away and hide after seeing the physical aspects that some people engage in, perhaps that’s just not for you.

Or, you aren’t ready to experience the physical side of things. That’s okay too. Most people need to feel comfortable with someone before they would let them sit next to them, let alone see them partially (completely) naked and do kinky/sensual things to them. Take a deep breath, you aren’t alone.

I recommend you continue to explore yourself, attend the munches and become familiar with ALL of the things that BDSM can provide you. I’m certain that you will find what attracted you in the first place and the light bulb will go off. Trust me. The wall you experienced is fear and easy to break down with knowledge. Ask questions, seek guidance and learn. You have all the time in the world to take a bite of the apple.

Question:

I am enrolled in is a sociocultural anthropology course on culture and emotion. As part of my program we have to explore an emotion or set of emotions specific to a particular culture. I would like to explore the emotions related to sub-frenzy/sub-fever. I know that by objectively examining the different experiences of others, I will A) get a better grasp and understanding of my own emotions, and B) should this paper and its research ever be published it would be a helpful resource for others. What I am seeking is some help, either interviews with people or just their own emotonal experiences with this topic. All information would be used in the most respectful manner and I would ethically be responsible for maintaining protective measures for all people who provide information or personal experences on the event/emotion.

My Response:

This question actually goes out to you the readers of Submissive Guide. An article on Sub Frenzy can be found here if you need to have the term defined. If you are interested in helping Valerie with her research, you can reach her at vjones@ucsd.edu.

Novice Q & A – January Edition

This year I’m starting a new series of posts that will occur once a  month just like the Roundtable did last year. Novice Q & A is for you to ask questions about things you’d like more information on, advice you are looking for or anything else. You can even ask me personal questions! My inbox is always open so you can send me questions whenever they occur.

This month, being the first month, I have a few questions asked in groups on FetLife. Any identifying information has been removed for the sake of anonymity.

When at a munch, do you find it inappropriate to extend your hand in greeting to a Dom/Master/Top? Is there a more appropriate greeting that could be extended?

It can be intimidating to meet new people at a BDSM gathering, especially if you are new yourself. I’d recommend listening to your mom’s voice in your head; be courteous and shake people’s hands if they are extended to you. If they don’t extend a hand you can nod and smile with a “nice to meet you”. Most people in a social setting won’t blink twice about a handshake. Just because you are submissive and the person you are greeting is a Dominant does not mean you have to greet them any more submissively. You are NOT submitting to anyone in that room (unless you have a partner with you).

A lot of social munches I’ve been to it has been common that once you know someone a little bit then hugs get passed around as well as handshakes. Maybe it’s a Midwest thing, maybe not.  You do not have to accept hugs if you are not comfortable.  Just stop them short by offering your hand if they come at you arms outstretched.

When meeting new Dominants and building a relationship is it considered topping from the bottom to try to explain how to get the best response from my body?

Novices, myself included at one time long ago, believed that the Dominant didn’t want my input and would magically just know what I loved and enjoyed and how to pleasure me. Turns out I was doing them and myself a disservice. It is not considered topping from the bottom to help the Dominant along with learning your body and your responses. They would appreciate the road map to be sure. Any Dominant that is worth his/her salt is going to want you to be open about yourself. Besides, your responses are part of what does it for them. So tell them if stroking your hair makes you melt or that biting really gets your body going. Even in the middle of a scene it could be necessary, imperative almost, to respectfully tell them if something they are doing isn’t working for you.

photo credit immrchris

Up in Flames: The Basics of Fireplay

This is another guest post for the BDSM Play Feature here on SubmissiveGuide. This post about Fire Play is by Gwendolyn. Enjoy!

I have always been a fire bug and am a volunteer fire fighter. So when I became interested in BDSM and heard about fire play it was definitely top of my list of things to try. As soon as I did I was hooked on it. There are many things that can be part of a fire play scene and I will be going over what I have experience in or know a lot about due to research.

Now, there are some things you should know about fire play. Check out the references of the tops offering it. Fire is dangerous. Yea, you may say well.. duh..  But, if you are a submissive like me, you will put all of your trust into your Top/Dom and sometimes not challenge what they doing.  I learned that by not asking about every detail of the fire play aka negotiating out your scene, you are asking to be damaged.  I have scars to prove this point. So if someone brings out a propane torch, end the scene right there.

One of the questions I tend to get often from people who have not tried fire play yet, are how do I handle the pain? Everyone has different techniques, what I have found to be most effective is focus upon your breathing. This works on any kind of play.  Find a focal point and breathe slowly. If part of the safety precaution is to have your head against a support/safety person then close your eyes and still breathe slowly.

If you would like to get in contact with me, please feel free to add me on Fetlife (SehAnru), or email me directly at gwendolynhopping@gmail.com.

Disclaimer: Do Not attempt fire play on yourself, and especially not alone if you are not experienced already. If you do, you are doing so at your own risk, and I, nor Submissive Guide nor anywhere else that this may be posted are to be held responsible for any damages that may occur. Thank you.

Safety Equipment/Precautions: People use varied types of equipment, there are the Nomex hoods used by fire fighters, fire blankets, all the way down to wet wash cloths. As a submissive/bottom don’t be afraid to ask about protective gear. Your safety should always be number one. Make sure your hair is out of the way when doing any kind of flogging or whipping. If you know you will be participating in such a scene, do not use hair spray or perfumes/colognes. Even some lotions have been known to be flammable.

Fire flogging: This is the most common which includes a  flogger made out of Kevlar rope/wicks and some have knots at the end of them not only for the stingy factor but also prevents the ropes from coming unraveled. This I have experienced many times both on my back and upon my front. It is a little more sting than a usual flogger made of leather mostly due to the knots, but the heat is incredible as it isn’t constant, but flashes.  If you have never tried this before, I would recommend just starting out on your back.

Fire Fleshing: This is where designs are made upon your body with the fuel and then set on fire then quickly blown out, wiped out, or smothered with a fire blanket.  The tools used for this vary. Some use drumsticks wrapped in Kevlar, some create pens with a Kevlar wick, and many other creative tools have been made and used. There is more than just Kevlar that can be used, but this is what I am most familiar with. This too I have had experience with both on my back, and front, and even upon my labia. Now, that.. was interesting. Though a note of caution, fire does suck out the moisture in your skin, this includes your sensitive lips, testicles, whatever you may use it on. Have moisturizer with you.. I had shriveled little lips and that was the strangest thing I have ever experienced.

Fire Whipping: Everything with fire is dangerous, but in my opinion this is the most dangerous manner of fire play as it is a single tail whip that is on fire. Some are made with leather and a Kevlar popper at the end, and some also make them completely out of a Kevlar blend then use an aluminum handle, and Kevlar popper. So far I have experienced this once and definitely will be going back for more, but it is not for anyone who does not have a high pain tolerance as it does mark, and can cut the skin.

Fire Cupping: This is an age old medical practice seen most commonly in the Oriental though has been known to pop up all over the world. Some use this as a way of blood letting, while others use it for a manner of reverse acupressure. I have not personally tried this yet, though I have heard many good things about it. Fire cups are relatively inexpensive and can be found in many places online. Always do your research on safety precautions before ever trying something like this.

Flash Paper/cotton: This has had mixed reviews from Fire Master’s and Mistress’s as when it ignites it can cause 3rd degree burns if not placed correctly aka too close together. I would recommend getting: “Flames of Passion: Handbook of Erotic Fire Play.” By David Walker and Robert Rubel with a Forward by Jay Wiseman who I have met personally.

Fire Drumming: This is where fire wands are set on fire and they are drummed against the body in rhythmic manner. This is intense as well as relaxing. Odd combination I know, but it’s true.  Think of it as a heavy Florentine flogging. So yummy.

Here is a neat little parlor trick which is cheap and easy to try, Alberto V05 mouse is flammable. Do not put this in your hair and get close to fire, we don’t want a Michael Jackson or Richard Pryor re-enactment. Make a spiral design, or any design of interest and light it. It can barely be felt, but has a very cool effect. Wipe and rinse, and repeat if you would like.

Always play safe!!

~Gwendolyn Hopping Aka SehAnru

Gwendolyn is an old fashioned Irish service oriented slave in Oregon who has been involved in the S&M part of BDSM for a little over a year now and have been involved in the DS portion of BDSM since she was 9 (Had a Domme for a mother.)So she know a lot about service. She also am a stay at home wife who works on our poly farm,  loves to craft, and is working towards writing my first of many novels. She is quite easy to get along with, and is always open to new friendships so feel free to contact her anytime.

Photo by photos8.com

Submissive Chat Night 1/12/10 8PM CST – BDSM Play

It’s time again for another chat night here at Submissive Guide. I’d welcome everyone to come on in Tuesday 1/12 for a bit of conversation. The topic is going to be BDSM Play. Anything and everything can be discussed. Please come with questions or a curiosity about different play activities.

Info

When: 1/12/10 8 PM CDT – 9:30 PM CDT

Where: Chat room on the website, or use an IRC Client

Topic: BDSM Play activities. All questions asked will be answered!

How to get to the Chat Room

The chat room is attached to this site under the link at the top, or you can click this link here.  It will ask for your nickname and then automatically connect you to the chat room. It is open all the time, so if you want to meet some people, hang out in there. I try to be there when I’m at my computer too.

If you use an IRC desktop client you can connect to the server directly. Here is the information you need to find the room:

Server: irc.mibbit.com
Port: 6667
Channel: #submissive-guide

Questions? Let me know. Otherwise I hope to see a lot of you there on Tuesday!

The Roundtable: Money Handling

Gather around the table everyone, I’d like to learn about something I don’t know a lot about. I welcome you to add your thoughts and comments to this post and if you feel an inclination, send me a guest post letting me know what you think.

This month I’d like to talk about money. Here’s the questions I have:

• Who does the budgeting in your relationship?
• Do you hand over your paycheck?
• Are there bank accounts with your name on them?
• Are you allowed to handle money?
• How are gift purchases handled if you aren’t allowed personal money?
• If you have no money control, what back up is in place if the relationship were to go south?

Anything else?

Submissive Chat Night 12/15/09 8 PM CDT – Free Chat

It’s time again for another chat night here at Submissive Guide. I’d welcome everyone to come on in Tuesday 12/15 for a bit of merry conversation. There is no topic set and you can drop in anytime between 8 PM and 9:30 PM CDT.

Info

When: 12/15/09 8 PM CDT – 9:30 PM CDT

Where: Chat room on the website, or use an IRC Client

How to get to the Chat Room

The chat room is attached to this site under the link at the top, or you can click this link here.  It will ask for your nickname and then automatically connect you to the chat room. It is open all the time, so if you want to meet some people, hang out in there. I try to be there when I’m at my computer too.

If you use an IRC desktop client you can connect to the server directly. Here is the information you need to find the room:

Server: irc.mibbit.com
Port: 6667
Channel: #submissive-guide

Questions? Let me know. Otherwise I hope to see a lot of you there on Tuesday!

Chat Night Transcript for Speaking Submissively

This chat was held on December 2nd, 2009.

~lunaKM> So tonight I wanted to talk about speech and how the way we communicate can impact our submission.

Nia> tonight’s topic really struck a chord with me

angel> same here

~lunaKM> I’ve been doing a bit of non-scientific research of my own when I am out and about and am appalled at the way we talk to each other anymore.

~lunaKM> It’s like the care and respect for strangers no longer exists.

~lunaKM> But furthermore, how we talk to our family has also gone downhill.

~lunaKM> We can take our submissive nature (whether learned or natural) and use it to bring back grace and charm to conversation.

~lunaKM> You can feel free to chime in any time thoughts pop into your head, this is an open discussion.

angel> :)

angel> i didn’t want to interrupt

Nia> ty, luna

angel> i agree with you. i’ve notice how even friends in public speak to one another…

~lunaKM> I’d like to touch on gossiping, vulgarities, person bashing and docile speech with your partner

Nia> i concur…observing my and other’s speech at work shames me

angel> my Sir always tells me that you can speak about anything, but it’s how it’s presented that makes the difference

~lunaKM> Exactly and we can cover that first since you brought it up.

~lunaKM> What’s the difference between these to requests:

~lunaKM> a. I’m going to the store Sir.

~lunaKM> b. May I go to the store Sir?

angel> b is a request. a is telling/more aggressive

Nia> i see (a) as information and (b) as a request for permission

~lunaKM> You are both correct.

Nia> i think (a) would be appropriate only as a response to a question from my Mama as to where I am going?

~lunaKM> a was the more aggressive way to voice your need to go to the store.

angel> yes…i also like Nia’s (a) too :)

~lunaKM> :)

angel> i’ll have to admit, though, sometimes it’s hard

~lunaKM> With just a slight change we can turn our requests into questions or suggestions. Words that still give your Dominant the upper hand.

Nia> yes, i agree

~lunaKM> It’s totally hard, I struggle with it all the time.

angel> oh, good. it’s not just me

Nia> i have been away from my Mama for a year…we just got back together a few weeks ago and the transition is harder than i thought

angel> i’m in the same boat with you Nia. my relationship is long distance and i fall out of it at times

angel> the speech, i mean

~lunaKM> Ok, how about these two phrases…(I’m making them up as I go)

~lunaKM> a. The house needs to be repainted.

~lunaKM> b. I’m going to paint the house.

Nia> (a) is definitely more passive in tone

angel> (a) gives the Dominant a chance to respond either yes or no. (b) takes that way

Nia> however, (b) does mean that i am taking responsibility for this chore

~lunaKM> A allows a dialog to be opened up and the Dominant to make decisions.

~lunaKM> If it is your responsiblity to maintain the outside of the house, sure it might be okay, but a cost incurred for doing so may not be.

Nia> (b) does take the risk of offending your Domme

~lunaKM> It sure does

angel> i agree

~lunaKM> Speaking passively is a safer route to take when talking directly to your Dominant.

~lunaKM> Of course it’s something that comes naturally.

Nia> do you feel that it would be the same at home as in public?

~lunaKM> Nia, do you mean in conversations with your Dominant or with everyone?

Nia> with everyone, my Mama and i work together

~lunaKM> There are always occasions where passive speech just will not work

~lunaKM> Times where authority or responsibility is necessary to claim in order to make your point. But in a relationship where your submission is on display, it’s better to be subordinant in speech as well as deed.

~lunaKM> And of course this won’t work for everyone in every relationship.

angel> i think it’s the Dominant who sets the tone as well. sometimes He/She will allow you to take more verbal control of a situation. but i agree in a D/s setting it’s safer to be softer in speech

~lunaKM> My Master hates it when I say, “Whatever you’d like” (being passive) He wants to know my opinion before making decisions and giving him no options frustrates the living daylights out of him.

Nia> i am a switch and also have a sub boi, so i have to change up several times a day

angel> that’s interesting Nia. is your boi with you while you are with your Domme?

Nia> “whatever you like” drives me crazy too, i try to make suggestions, but leave it up to my Mama to set my priorities each day

Nia> so i want to learn how to keep things transparent with my speech, to emphasize my status with each of them in a non-violent manner

angel> i imagine that it is tough to switch verbal gears in that situation. i find it hard to do coming from work :) i try to stop and think of who i am speaking to (my Sir) before responding.

~lunaKM> So you could get really good with switching from passive to active speech. Set it up to an artform!

Nia> and i have 2 teenage daughters who are finding themselves…menopause on top of all of that! whew!

~lunaKM> lol, quite a handful

angel> lol..tough all the way around

~lunaKM> So, how about we move in to gossiping

~lunaKM> What do you feel about gossip?

angel> it’s a fine line between gossiping and sharing

Nia> it’s funny that when my co-workers are gossiping and i’m not, they seem to feel threatened…that i think i’m better than them by refusing to join the conversation

~lunaKM> I think a lot of gossiping is unrequested information about someone else. I used to be a huge gossip girl.

Nia> but i feel that gossip is usually more about the person who is gossiping

~lunaKM> I’d term that as bragging Nia

angel> how did you stop yourself from gossiping, luna?

Nia> not really, i don’t think that i am better than them…they just think that

Nia> yes, how did you stop, luna?

~lunaKM> Well, It wasn’t easy really. I decided that if the information wasn’t about me, that I had no right to share it.

angel> didn’t you feel like you would explode?

angel> :)

~lunaKM> So no matter how badly I wanted to talk about what happened at the party, etc, if it wasn’t me then it wasn’t my story.

Nia> true that

~lunaKM> At first I did feel that way; then I realized that I was not showing myself in a good light if I could simply talk about everyone else without a care for their thoughts.

angel> hmmm…makes perfect sense.

~lunaKM> I now get so many people wanting to share themselves with me because they know I will guard their trust

Nia> how do you keep from getting drawn into the gossip of others?

~lunaKM> And that really is more important.

~lunaKM> Well, I tend to shut gossip down pretty fast. I just tell them that I won’t talk about people that aren’t part of the conversation since we could be getting the facts wrong.

Nia> excellent point and idea

angel> yes, that is a good statement to use-it’s not harsh but puts a spin on it that others may not get the facts right either

~lunaKM> I’ve had to counter that once when someone kept going and asked them why they felt the need to talk about something that could hurt someone else’s reputation/feelings.

~lunaKM> I’ve wanted to say, ‘Is your life really that boring that we have to talk about other people?’

Nia> there are always 2 sides to every story…sometimes more

~lunaKM smirks

Nia> bravo

angel> :)

~lunaKM> I mean gossip is meant to puff up the person gossiping and tear down the person they are talking about, is it not?

Nia> there is so much that i can share about myself and listening to others sharing about themselves…why bring 3rd parties into it?

~lunaKM> So why do they need that inflated ego?

angel> good points

Nia> cursing, or as you called it “vulgarities”, is a character defect i am really struggling with now

Nia> any advice?

~lunaKM> Well, don’t laugh but I make up words instead of using curse words.

~lunaKM> So Jesus Christ has always been jimminey cricket

angel> i have to admit, the only time i do curse is during “relations”. i guess that’s not good either

angel> lol..cute luna

~lunaKM> lol, I can curse all I want during play/sex… it’s a turn on for both of us

Nia> lol…sorry i had to laugh :)

~lunaKM> That’s okay, sometimes Master repeats the word and I realize just how silly it sounds, but it keeps me from getting in trouble for cursing

Nia> for me it more about controlling my speech when i am angry/frustrated…the words just jump out before i can edit them

~lunaKM> Ah well that’s just as hard.

~lunaKM> The only thing for that is tempering…. mental counting before expressing your anger or frustration.

~lunaKM> It’s not something I’m good at yet (thus the fake curse words)

Nia> my Mama just gives a look, and i feel so ashamed

angel> good advice. taking a deep breath. think jimminey cricket

~lunaKM> lol

Nia> hehe

~lunaKM> the one that Master hates is when he says Son of a.. and I finish it with beehive!

angel> LOL

Nia> my youngest daughter charges me a quarter, fifty cents on sundays…i think i’ve paid for her college tuition this year

~lunaKM> that’s a good incentive if it makes a difference, although if you’ve paid tuition then it must not be so good.

angel> lol…money usually works. at least it benefits someone

Nia> well, i yell a lot during football games

Nia> but seriously, i realize how verbally abusive i can be, and want to change

~lunaKM> This is something that you can work on with your Dominant if you ask for help.

angel> maybe if you picture the look from your Mama before you say it, it will help you to cut down on it.

~lunaKM> Of course it’s going to be hard, but if you want to change and it’s a positive thing I don’t see why she wouldn’t help.

Nia> wow, i’ve never even asked for her help….thanks for the suggestions angel & luna

angel> :)

~lunaKM smiles. Sometimes it take someone else to point out the obvious.

~lunaKM> Are we ready for the last point I want to cover tonight?

angel> sure

Nia> yes

~lunaKM> I’ve seen this a lot on online forums and communities

~lunaKM> person/dominant bashing

Nia> ah, i’ve seen this a lot too

~lunaKM> In generalities it’s when someone says that someone isn’t a good Dominant based on one sided conversation, or that you aren’t a true submissive because of x, y and z. Essentially bashing teh person without all the facts.

~lunaKM> In an online community it is almost impossible to know exactly what is going on with someone when they write just as soon as they experience hurt or anger or fear. That isn’t the time to write, but so many do and it starts damaging the reputation of someone else.

angel> i’ve seen that a lot too

Nia> i understand the need to vent, but damaging the reputation of your Dominant isn’t going to help anything

~lunaKM> I tend to steer clear of these sorts of threads except to say that we don’t know the other person’s side or to recommend that the person reflect on the issue after the intense feelings have faded and they may see it in another light.

angel> good point, Nia. sometimes you do need to vent and for some, the online community is all they have. but, maybe it should be with a online friend and not a thread

angel> i wish everyone responded that way, luna :)

Nia> yes, being discrete should come first

Nia> or i wish that they could relate just their side without all of the damaging details (Dominant’s name, etc.)

~lunaKM> I agree

Nia> a saying in recovery programs is “if i am not the problem, there is no solution”

~lunaKM> I think that in those situations they aren’t seeing what THEY did wrong, only what is bothering them from the other person.

angel> exactly

~lunaKM> heh, that’s just about what I said

Nia> yeah, all i read in those posts is an invitation to a pity party

~lunaKM> no kidding and I never accept those invites.

angel> same here

~lunaKM> They are usually closed off to advice that doesn’t support their anger or frustration either.

angel> never thought of it that way, but that’s true

___

Do you have anything else to add? What are your thoughts?

photo by katie teqtmeyer

Submissive Chat Night: 12/1/09 – Speaking Submissively

It’s time for another Submissive Chat Night!

When: Dec 1st at 8pm CST. It is expected to last about 1 1/2 hours.

Topic: Graceful Words: Speaking Submissively

Optional Pre-reading:

Graceful Speech

Etiquette of Speech

The Art of Conversation

Some chat night rules, up for discussion.

1. I would like to be able to post the edited chat log for the discussion on this website and will put it up for a vote every chat night. Vote will decide for that night only.
2. Dominant bashing will not be allowed. Gossip is not welcome. Using people’s full names, or those of people not in the chat will be subject to banning for the duration of the discussion. Please don’t make me use my powers. I’d like to keep this comfortable for everyone; even those not present.

How to get to the chat room

The chat room is attached to this site under the Resources link at the top, or you can click this link here.  It will ask for your nickname and then automatically connect you to the chat room. It is open all the time, so if you want to meet some people, hang out in there. I try to be there when I’m at my computer too.

If you use an IRC desktop client you can connect to the server directly. Here is the information you need to find the room:

Server: irc.mibbit.cm
Port: 6667
Channel: #submissive-guide

Questions? Let me know. Otherwise I hope to see a lot of you there on Tuesday!

The Roundtable: Chastity

Gather around the table everyone, I’d like to learn about something I don’t know a lot about. I welcome you to add your thoughts and comments to this post and if you feel an inclination, send me a guest post letting me know what you think.

This month I’d like to talk about chastity. If you have any opinions or thoughts on the subject I’d love to see them in the comments! Here’s some questions to get you started:

• Do you participate in chastity?
• What is the longest time you have gone without an orgasm?
• Do you wear a physical device? What does it look like?
• Is orgasm control part of chastity?
• How do you feel in chastity?
• Is it easier for men or for women to be in chastity? (The physical devices or the activity, your choice)
• What does chastity teach you about submission?
• For those not currently in chastity, would you consider going into chastity? Why, why not?
• What is the biggest taboo surrounding chastity?

Open for Questions

Submissive Guide.com is doing wonderfully as a start up site and I hope that each and every one of you has learned and grown in your submission since you found this site and it’s associated resources. I’m just one person hoping to provide you with something you may not be able to find somewhere else.

A real person to answer your questions and get advice. I can’t do it without you. If you have questions or are in need of advice, please contact me at subguide@gmail.com or come to the site and submit your question via my contact form.

Even if you’d just like to suggest something for the website, I’m open to hearing what you’d like to see. The site is for you just as much as it is for me. Tell me what you want!

You aren’t alone. Your question could help many other submissives in the same situation as you are. I want to be there for you. Let me help you.

So send in those comments, questions, suggestions and requests for advice. Thank you.

Submissive Chat Night 11/17/09: Negotiation and Common Sense

It’s time for another Submissive Chat Night! This is a repeat of a chat that was rescheduled due to illness.

When: Nov 17th at 8pm CST. It is expected to last about 1 1/2 hours.

Topic: Negotiations and Common Sense

Optional Pre-reading:

• Ouch is Not a Safe Word: Safe Words, Limits and Scene Protocol
• Limits and Negotiations
• Establishing Limits: Going Full Circle
• Can I Get That In Writing: Basics of Negotiations
• Article on Negotiations

Some chat night rules, up for discussion.

1. I would like to be able to post the edited chat log for the discussion on this website and will put it up for a vote every chat night. Vote will decide for that night only.
2. Dominant bashing will not be allowed. Gossip is not welcome. Using people’s full names, or those of people not in the chat will be subject to banning for the duration of the discussion. Please don’t make me use my powers. I’d like to keep this comfortable for everyone; even those not present.

How to get to the chat room

The chat room is attached to this site under the Resources link at the top, or you can click this link here. You will want to click on that big CHAT image to open the chat room. It will ask for your nickname and then automatically connect you to the chat room. It is open all the time, so if you want to meet some people, hang out in there. I try to be there when I’m at my computer too.

If you use an IRC desktop client you can connect to the server directly. Here is the information you need to find the room:

Server: irc.mibbit.com
Port: 6667
Channel: #submissive-guide

Questions? Let me know. Otherwise I hope to see a lot of you there on Tuesday!

Am I Submissive?

So, you want me to tell you how you can tell if you are submissive or not? Asking someone else if you are submissive is like asking a blind man what color your dress is. Is there some magical online quiz that can say whether you are submissive or slave? Unfortunately no and I don’t think I’d listen to the results of one if it existed either. Submission isn’t something you can find in a self-help book or a therapist. Submission is a calling.

No, not the same kind of calling that religion speaks about; but similar. Some people find submission to be a natural way to live; something that comes to them easily and simply. To be a natural submissive means you have something innate and inherent in them that disposes them to submission.  Others have to learn about submission step by step. I’ve written about my own experiences with learning submission in the post Submission by Choice. When you feel inside that you are happiest when submitting, that’s when you know you’re submissive. There is no secret to it.

Hearing your inner voice tends to be the hardest thing. You’ve probably come to this post because either someone said you are submissive and you want to know more or you’ve heard that inner voice and you are curious about what it means. Hopefully you will leave here with some understanding of submission and how you know if you are submissive or not.

It will take soul searching, no doubt about that. Trust me when I say that you can not become submissive if you do not have the basic inclination to serve and the emotional pleasure of being available to serve. Once you have that, you are well on your way to knowing you are submissive.

Let’s take a look at the following four spaces to help you figure out if you are submissive. Apply them however they will work for your own personal situation.

Knowing you are submissive will have a mental aspect to it. When you think of serving others does it put you in a peaceful position? If it feels like the logical thing to do then it probably is. When I found that I was happy being submissive I stopped fighting myself and accepted being happy.

You may also have a spiritual connection to submission. I’ve often described my connectedness to my Dominant as being in prayer. I feel a higher power sort of connection when I please him. You may have an overall sense of bliss or complete happiness thinking about or participating in service.

Connecting to submissive can have an emotional response as well. You may cry uncontrollably, or smile so hard and so often that your cheeks hurt. There is a clear sign that you are submissive when you can look upon being of service to someone else and your heart aches with need. Your emotional response is usually the strongest response to submissive stimulus that you will be able to experience.

Lastly when you are submissive you will develop a physical response to Dominance exerted at or near you. For many this is sexual excitement but it could also be a need to physically get up and do something to bring your closer to that Dominance. I’ve had moments that only felt perfect when I listened to the primal urge to kneel or kiss his hand or do something to serve him.

Feeling all of these things at one time or another usually means you have a submissive mindset. It may not happen all the time, but the moments that do you should try to feed it. Develop a service you can provide someone else, volunteer in your community and certainly, if you can explore a relationship with Dominance and submission at its core. You may find the calling you were hearing was one thing or another… or all of the above. Only you can know if submission is the right direction for you.

photo by doug88888

The Disposable Relationship Mentality

I’ve been witness to a shocking new trend in relationships lately. Perhaps I’m old school or old fashioned but what I’m seeing in today’s society, and not just the BDSM culture, is the lack of effort in relationships.

As I was raised I was taught that something worthwhile wasn’t always easy to achieve and you may have to work hard to get it. I applied this to everything in my life; including the relationships I developed. My marriage may have failed, but I didn’t give up and worked very hard to make it work before admitting defeat. The same goes for my current relationship. It takes work.

Now I’m not saying that you should give every relationship a fighting chance because I know some relationships are rushed into, lacking desire, destructive or overall bad for you. These are not what I mean by disposable relationships. These are relationships that everyone has to experience to know what a good relationship looks like.

An Example of What I’m Talking About

Recently Master and I were going through a rough patch. Things have since cleared up so there’s no need to worry, I know I didn’t. Recommendations from people that barely know us were along the lines of the disposable relationship mentality.

“Oh well you’ve been together for so long, maybe you aren’t compatible anymore and should consider moving on.”

“If you are having problems then perhaps he isn’t the right guy for you, get out while you are still young.”

“I’d toss him on the curb and find a real man!”

All of these really had me shocked. It’s not like I was begging for happiness in our relationship, I was just voicing my frustrations with the current dilemma. Master and I work hard at our relationship. We have a very open communication channel and use it regularly to talk about everything. We are the most openly communicative relationship I have seen.  We don’t give up because deep inside the love for each other is worth keeping. If your are spiritually happy in your relationship you’ll understand on what level Master and I are.

The Disposable Relationship Mentality

I see the advice we tend to give people online that we barely know. We jump to the conclusion that their relationship is doomed and tell them 9 times out of 10 that the man or woman just isn’t worth it and they need to let them go and move on. We do this without hearing the other side, asking more questions or even understanding where this issue came from that they are asking advice on. Why do we do this?

The disposable relationship mentality is a lot like our disposable nature with everything else. We throw everything away. Quality has taken a back seat to convenience and cost. We dismiss issues with a relationship as broken goods and we just let them loose to try and find someone else that won’t break. Of course when that one does as well we start hating relationships altogether. There’s no effort anymore.

Do you think a relationship will blossom if the two or more people involved don’t work at it? Of course not. How hard are you working in your relationship to make it work to your satisfaction?

How about your current relationship? Is it like that toaster you have to keep replacing every few years because it stops toasting correctly or is it that cherished family heirloom that you take great care in keeping beautiful and shining for all to see?

Submissive Chat Night 10/27/09: Dating and Online Dominant Searches

It’s time for another chat night here at Submissive Guide. This week’s topic will be one I am very interested in. As always, the chat is expected to last about 1 1/2 hours and is open to everyone.

When: 10/27/09 at 8:00pm Central Time

Where: Chat room located on the website

Topic: Dating and Online Dominant Searches

I will be asking you to give me permission to save a transcript of the chat session and post it on the website for others to share in the conversation. Dominants are welcome to attend. See everyone then!

Optional Pre-Work

• Red Flags, Warning Signs, and Intuition: Learning to Trust You Instincts – Part One: Dominants
• Dating in the Lifestyle
• On Love and D/s

Questions:

1. What are the most common ways to find Dominants to date?
2. What is considered a safe way to meet someone?
3. What is expected on a date with a Dominant?
4. What isn’t expected on a date with a Dominant?
5. What is the difference between dating in the vanilla sense and dating in D/s?
6. Around what date do you play? Compared to when you’d open up for possible sex during a vanilla relationship, why do you allow play at this point in time?

Submissive Journey Weekend 2010 Registration Now Open

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE – Please cross-post

Welcome to the 3rd Annual Submissive Journey Weekend…

I am proud to announce that registration for the next Submissive Journey Weekend is now open. We cordially invite those who identify as submissive, slave, girl, boi /boy, bottom, pup, etc. to a weekend of learning, growth and support. All genders, sexual orientations,and experience levels, are welcome.

The classes at SJW will focus on service skills training, personal growth and relationship-oriented classes all with the intent to inspire further learning and growth in the submissive.

Come stay with us for three days and two nights at a luxurious cabin nestled in the beautiful mountains in Pigeon Forge, TN . We have people that attend from all over the country and even Canada. Your registration package will include lodging, meals, educational materials, event t-shirt, over 15 different classes and large group discussions, and much more.

In an attempt to offer personalized attention I am offering only 45 openings so please don’t wait to register. We fill up fast! We already have applications coming in.

For more detailed information please feel free to visit our website at submissive journey weekend

Please contact kendell at sjw.information@gmail.com for any questions you may have. I’d love to talk to you.

~ A Thank you to our Sponsors
This would not be possible without the support and kindness of our sponsors. If you are interested in sponsoring or making a donation to the Submissive Journey Weekend please check out our sponsor information page on our website.

Please feel free to cross post this announcement or share it with others who might be interested in this event

Thank you,
kendell
SJW – Producer

Service With Grace

If you’ve been following Submissive Guide on twitter for any length of time you will notice an interesting blog that I have updates sent to twitter. This blog is one of distinction because it is written to aid the domestic and service oriented submissive with tasks around the house and within themselves. The blog I’m talking about is Service Savoir Faire.

Service Savoir Faire is written by namaste a service slave from Texas with a real ability to  express herself. The blog has some wonderful regular features that I’d like to highlight.

Service Book of Days

Every Monday, namaste posts the same 15 questions with personal answers and encourages others to do the same on their blog. It’s a beautiful way to focus your submissive energy and organize your thoughts on what should be done and where your mind is at. I have yet to do this task on my own for my personal blog, but I do intend to get going on it real soon. What a simple way to focus!

Friday Finds

Most Fridays, she shares with us things that might be useful for our service from all over the internet. There have been some spectacular websites recently that have helped me out with organization and cleaning and creative energy.

Menus for the Seasons

There is a numerous amount of menus with recipes for the current season. I’m sure she will be starting on the Fall menus soon and I’m looking forward to some delicious new meals to plan into my cooking repertoire.  Summer menus were full of fresh, healthy and light cooking that would bring the joy of summer into any home.

Butler’s Book Series

I’ve always wanted to know what a butler’s book is, and while I was under the assumption that it was a list of guests with their preferences documented so that whenever they showed up you could provide them their favorites and surprise them. In fact it is that and more. It’s a household manual where you document and keep all the home care processes together in one place. You can read all about the Butler’s Book series HERE.

Today’s Mantra

On the sidebar, namaste updates a quote or saying and then her reflection on it in Today’s Mantra. I find it a beautiful testament to her abilities and dedication to service. I’m sure you will enjoy it as well.

I encourage you all to visit and bookmark the site for reading, making sure you visit often. It’s a pearl of a find and one that shouldn’t be left in the deep expanse of the internet. She also runs a Yahoo group on service, which you can find at Service Excellence.

Exploring Your Place in BDSM Play

Submission during play can be overwhelming. How do you understand what you might like? What about the buzz words of subspace and sub drop? One of Submissive Guide’s goals is to help novice submissives understand BDSM and their place in it. To help you begin your exploration I’ve put together a list of the posts here to help you on your journey.

• Why BDSM is NOT D/s – skylarpet shares her thoughts on the differences between BDSM and the relationship type D/s.
• Safe Sane and Consensual – Learn what your responsibilities are when it comes to playing.
• RACK – SSC not your idea of a good way to play? Try Risk Aware Consensual Kink.
• The BDSM Checklist that will Really Help You – Checklists offered online are extensive, overwhelming and increasingly not useful. Learn how to write one that will work with your development.
• Using Playtime Check-Ins Wisely – Communicating effectively during play is vital to a comfortable and pleasurable playtime.
• To Safeword or Not to Safeword – The use of safewords in BDSM and deciding if they are important to you.
• Nonverbal Ways to Safeword – How do you express discomfort or the need to stop when you are gagged or hooded? Come read about some nonverbal options.
• Packing a Toybag – Dominants are not the only ones who should come prepared. See what you should have with you when you play.
• Sub Space – What is it? Do I want it? How much does it cost?
• Emotional Aspects of Sub Drop – The crash when play is over can be physical and emotional. Take a look at the emotional side; which can be the hardest to deal with.
• Sub Frenzy – What is it and can you get it? Is it contagious? Find out how you can cool the fever!
• Aftercare for Yourself – Putting together a kit to help you heal after playing is important in casual and live-in relationships.

This isn’t all there is to BDSM play, trust me. But it’s a start. Now open for questions!

photo by spankmeeehard

The Challenges of Being Kajira in Today’s Society

Today’s guest post is by dina from Kajiradreams. You can also read her post on what it’s like to be an owned kajira and a kajira’s strengths and misconceptions.

Submissive Chat Night 9/22/09: Subspace and Subdrop

It’s time for another Submissive Chat Night!

When: Sept 22nd at 8pm CST. It is expected to last about 1 1/2 hours.

Topic: Subspace and Subdrop

Optional Pre-reading:

• What is Subspace – pdf format
• Going Deep: Topspace, Bottomspace and Sado-erotic Ecstacy
• Moving within Space
• Sub Drop
• Sub Drop

Some chat night rules, up for discussion.

1. Right now I have the room set that it will be moderated during chat night. Dominants are welcome at anytime, but will not be able to speak publicly during discussion hours. I want to make this a comfortable place for submissives to come together to talk but I also don’t want to say that Dominants are not allowed to attend.
2. I would like to be able to post the edited chat log for the discussion on this website and will put it up for a vote every chat night. Vote will decide for that night only.
3. Dominant bashing will not be allowed. Gossip is not welcome. Using people’s full names, or those of people not in the chat will be subject to banning for the duration of the discussion. Please don’t make me use my powers. I’d like to keep this comfortable for everyone; even those not present.

How to get to the chat room

The chat room is attached to this site under the Resources link at the top, or you can click this link here. You will want to click on that big CHAT image to open the chat room. It will ask for your nickname and then automatically connect you to the chat room. It is open all the time, so if you want to meet some people, hang out in there. I try to be there when I’m at my computer too.

If you use an IRC desktop client you can connect to the server directly. Here is the information you need to find the room:

Server: irc.bdsm-net.com
Port: 6667
Channel: #submissive-guide

Questions? Let me know. Otherwise I hope to see a lot of you there on Tuesday!