Are Discipline and Punishment The Same?

Reading across the blogosphere you will encounter these words almost synonymous to each other: Discipline and Punishment. The words are far from the same however some dynamics treat them the same. In fact for the longest time I have used the word punishment when I mean discipline. It’s even possible that Master has used these words interchangeably as well. I’ve done some thinking to try to sort out what these two words mean in our dynamic and how they are employed. I have a preference for clearly defined terms and boundaries so these two words are worth defining.

There is also the camp that believes that punishment (lowercase) is the play form with impact toys or spanking and that Punishment (uppercase) is the correction of bad behavior. I’m going to be referring to the later form in this post. The P/punishment debate can very well take up another post.

As to what I believe discipline is, I’ve now been able to categorize the things that Master does to keep me in line, the smaller corrections and the weekly maintenance with the black book are my discipline. Essentially for us discipline is part of the training. I can’t be a perfect submissive right from the start and part of molding my behavior has to be correcting me when I put a toe out of line. I have to admit that at first he was disciplining me all the time. Learning the rules and not being a smart ass was really hard for me. It’s not second nature yet but I feel that it will get easier.

Discipline comes in all shapes and sizes. For our relationship it’s apology, corner time and cane strokes. I get corner time for most of the infractions that warrant more than my proper apology. I hate corner time. I think what I hate most about it is that I’m not getting any attention. I have to sit and just count the seconds in my head and watch the kitties sit around my feet wondering when I’m going to move so that I can play (unless you’re Max, then you just want my seat). I’m terrified of canes and so when Master directs me to get the cane I almost shiver and my heart gets faster. Its hurts and it scares me. Which is the point.

Punishment though is a different beast. Punishment is for very severe infractions. I consider this to be things that could be deal breakers or relationship-enders. Punishment of this caliber should be rare or not at all. Things that make the dominant decide if punishment is the way to go instead of release are personal. I’ve read many dominant comments on this topic and a lot of them choose release.

The one punishment I’ve been through was really rough. It’s been almost 2 years. I remember it like it were just last week. I thought our relationship was done for. I had broken his trust and I didn’t know how to gain it back. I’m happy to say that I have.

Keeping these things separate and defined for us is good for our continued growth.

What do you say? Are they defined differently for you?

Sub v. Slave: A Second Opinion

This is a guest post by Beth, as she will tell you, she’s a 24/7 slave of 2 years and would like to express what she sees as the differences between sub and slave. If you would like to read Rayne’s opinion, you can do so on this post.

First off I would like to introduce myself. I’m Beth, or as some may know of me as jjsslave on fetlife.com. I’m also jajsslave on Twitter. I am a 24/7 collared slave and have lived with my Master for going on 2 years now. Well, by the time this is posted it will be 2 years. Ive been in the lifestyle for 7 years and have came a long way. I  have learned many lessons along the way, all which have shaped me into what I am today. The biggest lesson I learned early on was during my first encounter with my Master. It was the importance of not telling too much online to others and that you should guard yourself against the preditors out there. There are good guys out there. Ive been lucky enough to find one, however there are many scary people out there.

To me there is quite a difference between being submissive and a slave. I think it would be easier for me to start on the submissive side. In my 7 years in the lifestyle I started out as a sub. I really feel that until the past 2 years I remained a sub.  With that being said, I had more options in life, at least in my mind. A submissive retains the power over themselves and their body. Many are not going to agree with me on this. I don’t feel that discipline, true discipline should be put in place with a sub. ”Play” or “scene” discipline is one thing but actually discipline where corporal punishments, writings and corner times for example are put in place, I feel are completely off base. If a submissive still has power over themselves then how can they really mess up to the point of punishment outside of play. Slaves on the other hand, particularly those who live it 24/7 sometimes need punishment just for the sake of training, being kept in line and as a reminder of their place.

I had considered myself a slave before moving in with Master, yet I don’t think it was until he assigned me to look up the terms submissive and slave that I truly realized the differences. Unfortunately Ive lost that writing, but the idea is still in my mind. Hmm, this is consensual slavery right??? Then why is it that even though the door is there I can’t imagine walking out and never coming back? A slave has one option for the most point. Obey or leave!! Do i have the options of telling Master “no”?? Not if i want to continue to stay with Him. This brings me to another point, limits. Submissives often have soft and hard limits and can enforce them or use them at will. Not saying that is a bad thing, it gives the person that little extra protection over their body and mind. On the other side of things I feel a slave doesn’t quite have the same rights when it comes to limits. I feel a slave should take on the limits of their Master. If a slave has a hard limit well.. i guess that could be discussed and taken into consideration but ultimately the decision lays with the Master on if the slave is allowed to have that limit. Communication is a must.

While these are just a few examples of the thoughts floating around in my head, I feel these are the more important ones.  This is a very heated topic where I don’t feel anyone will ever agree. The bottom line is that there is no one way to live the lifestyle and that goes for submissives and slaves alike. One of the most important qualities anyone in this lifestyle can have is respect.  Respect for others and how they enjoy and live in the BDSM lifestyles. The good news is, those who live this lifestyle are generally accepting of everyone else’s choices on how to live this life.

I would like to thank LunaKM for giving me the opportunity to write this. I look forward to possibly doing more writing in the future as i really enjoyed doing this.

Beth is a 24/7 collared slave and have lived with her Master for going on 2 years now and in the lifestyle for 7 years. You can contact her on FetLife or Twitter.

Post photo by Purple Sea Donkey

One month into my first real time D/S relationship: A Training Review

This is a Guest Post by A. She is a new submissive in her first 24/7 dynamic. I received this wonderfully written review of her first 30 days and she offered to share it with everyone here. Enjoy!

It has come to my attention after reading submissiveguide.com that my training with Sir has already begun, though not outright labeled as such.  Indeed, every relationship I have ever had has begun in this way, learning the likes and dislikes of my partner and trying to accommodate, but with Him, I am more aware of this process, as it is more deliberate.  At the outset, on the day of our first meeting, he instructed me to wear a black dress, and sit in the park reading and await Him.  I am validated to read in Luna’s writing that my concern over my appearance, and also trying to be peaceful, not fidget and patient was already a positive in the direction of desired qualities in a submissive.  Since that day, we have grown together in many ways, and the ways in which I have learned to please Him are outlined below.  I plan to update this list periodically, to track the ways in which I deepen my submission, the ways in which my wants and needs evolve and dovetail with His.

Speech:

Sir:
Use of the word Sir was discussed online, before we had even initially met.  He indicated I could call Him whatever I wished, but desired Sir for intimate moments.  As we grew closer, it applied whenever He was asserting His dominance, be it out in public, online or on the phone and I show my acceptance and submission with the honorific response.

Thank you:
At various times I have been corrected for not thanking Him for the orgasm He allowed me to have.  I have begun to thank Him for blows He gives me in certain contexts, He has not commented either way on this, or corrected when I do not.

Wording:
When I removed His shoes, I asked if He would like to keep His socks or not.  This is something I am still trying to work on, my natural way of speaking is to ask “can I?”  but I am well aware “may I” is more appropriate.  Sir does not comment on this, but I feel it is more respectful, and I’m frustrated with myself at each error.

Enunciation:
Another flaw of mine is that in the course of being together, when I am excited, I often forget the appropriate response of “yes Sir, no Sir” and may make a moaning sort of affirmation or denial. His tone changes immediately as he demands the proper response and I know I run the risk of displeasing Him should I not enunciate properly.

Positions:

Spanking:
Sir is particular about positions and protocol.  When I am to be spanked, I am to kneel and bend over with my face flat, shoulders to the bed, and present myself.  He prefers my back to be straight, which is difficult for me, as my natural tendency is to reverse arch my back.  As I am punished, I am most often allowed to cry out, but not to move.  If I flinch, I am to return to the instructed position immediately without hesitation.  If I am to stand and be punished, I must brace myself stiff armed on a designated piece of furniture, slightly bent, head down.

Undressing:
I am just now beginning to learn how to undress for Sir. I feel a bit silly, but the lingerie I wear for Him helps. So far He has only specified me to remove my panties while facing away from Him, slightly bent over.  Beyond that He has only asked that I please Him with my removal of my clothes, and I try to be creative and pleasing in the process.

Waiting to Serve Sexually:
When Sir decides He wishes to use me I am ordered to get on the bed, on my back, legs spread open and knees up, so He can gaze at me exposed while He readies Himself to enter me.  Often I will casually hold this position, while writhing a bit, gazing at Him to allow Him to feel my passion and desire, and my hunger. Occasionally He will correct me and tell me to be still, but generally He enjoys my arousal and encourages me to exhibit these feelings.

From the Rear:
As one of Sir’s favorite ways to have me, positioning for rear entry is very important.  He prefers a similar position to that of spanking, with more of a reverse lean so as to better accommodate His thrusts.

Rituals and Behavior:

Morning Check In:
Each day when I get up, I am to write to Him, tell Him my plans for the day, and say hello. Sometimes He responds with additional commands, which may include meditating on a certain subject, writing, masturbation or explicit instructions to abstain from that. Other times He responds with a brief “good morning my sweet girl.” Other times He does not respond at all. The initial contact on my part is the focus, and allows me to show that in waking up to start my day, He is in my first thoughts.

Shoes:
My first actual training occurred when we reached my home our first day together.  Sir sat on my couch, and took one of the pillows, placing it at His feet, He instructed me to kneel and remove His shoes.  He informed me at that time that His women do not kneel on the floor, only on pillows, and so I learned my first lesson. Now, unless we are in a rush, I kneel at His feet and put on and remove His shoes.

Worship:
In removing or putting on of shoes, I always kiss the tops of His feet.  Once the shoes are off or on respectively, from my kneeling position I wrap my arms around His calves, and press my head down softly on His lap. He then bends at the waist, and embraces me and we hold that moment.  In this way, I show my devotion and love, and He shows His acceptance and reciprocation.

Sir also requires certain ways of being touched, especially after intercourse.  He prefers His chest to be stroked and will directly request it.

Massage:
Due to injury, regular massage is very beneficial to Him, so often I do massage His muscles for Him, both solicited and unsolicited.  As I do these things for Him, I try to focus on the feelings I have for Him, all I appreciate that He does for me, and allow that warmth and tenderness to radiate through my hands.  This is to me, one of the highest forms of worship and a deep communion between us.

Fetching:
I have the natural desire, when fetching something for Him, to kneel and present the item with both hands upon my return. Sir has expressed appreciation for this, and thus I adopt it.

Toys:
Sir introduces all toys and equipment by either presenting it to me or instructing me to fetch it for Him. He then presents it to my lips and I kiss it, typically a flogger, rope or a slapper, though a blindfold or other bondage instruments, hair brush, etc, are managed similarly.

When Sir is finished with the toy, or when I am cleaning up the room afterward, I am to take the toy to the closet where it is kept, and hang it very deliberately in its designated spot. I stop the swaying with my hands, then bend at the waist to kiss the item, as He watches.  He then closes the closet door.

Presentation:
Sir prefers that the condom box be displayed in my room, with one always set on top, ready and anticipating His need.

Orgasm Control:
Sir has decreed that I may not orgasm without His permission.  As I feel it build, I am to ask, and if He says no, resist it.  This has been my sole punishable infraction to date, as the way in which He was having me made it next to impossible to resist, and in complete honesty, I wanted to see what would happen.  Since that time though, with punishment looming over my head, I improved a great deal, and even redeemed myself, forgiven and excused from the punishment.  Sir has been pleased to the point where He has moved on to orgasm on command.

Orgasm on Command:
Sir employs both the counting method and basic instruction for orgasm on command training and only during sex, which makes it easier for me.  He wishes to lessen my response time however.  I myself would like to be trained by Sir to orgasm independent of sexual stimulation; i.e. a simple word can trigger that response but that is at His discretion.

Clothing:
Usually He does not request specific items of clothing to be worn, but generally I ask when planning to see Him, what He would like for me to wear. As we are still in the beginnings of our relationship, He is not 100% familiar with my wardrobe, but I do my best to accommodate His requests.

Personal Grooming:
Sir often does request specific hair styles of me, and I do my best to please Him in this way. Also, He prefers me to have pubic hair, which I have always removed. Growing out and getting used to this hair has been challenging for me, but His pleasure in knowing it is difficult but seeing that I obey nonetheless makes it a rewarding task.

A is a submissive from Boston MA.  She has experienced elements of BDSM in the past, but is now embarking on her first 24×7 collared relationship.  She happily shares her progress with others who may be inspired in a similar manner. You can find her on FetLife as northern_siren.

Photo by and of A.

Best BDSM Fiction for Hot Steamy Nights

I love reading BDSM fiction, erotica and other service books. I broke my kinky teeth on the Story of O so I can’t ignore it on this list, but it’s not the best of the best. I’d like to offer up the books that I love and enjoy to read; most of which I like to keep on my bedside table. Not at the same time, mind you. Please feel free to recommend your own to this list.

• Story of O
• The Marketplace Series

1. The Marketplace – Currently Unavailable
2. The Slave
3. The Trainer
4. The Academy: Tales of the MarketplaceThe Reunion

• Kushiel’s Legacy – Light kink and suggestive play
  1. Kushiel’s Dart
  2. Kushiel’s Chosen
  3. Kushiel’s Avatar
  4. Kushiel’s Scion
  5. Kushiel’s Justice
  6. Kushiel’s Mercy
• Master/Slave
• Carrie’s Story: An Erotic S/M Novel
• Safe Word: An Erotic S/M Novel
• Breaking the Girl
• The Dark Garden
• The Sleeping Beauty Trilogy
  1. The Claiming of Sleeping Beauty
  2. Beauty’s Punishment
  3. Beauty’s Release

• Exit to Eden
• The Toy (Blue Moon)
• His Perfect Submissive

Authors Recommended in the Comments:

Shayla Black

Laura Reese

Eden Bradley

Lissa Matthews

Claire Thompson

What books do you like to read for their debauchery and kinky erotica?

A Lesson in Control with Self-Punishment

Each and every day there is the chance to scew up and be disobedient. Luckily, most of us won’t break rules every single day but when we do we know that punishment will come swiftly and precisely. That is, unless you are an online submissive. Then there are a few other steps to having punishment carried out and most likely that involves you doing the punishment by direction.

Every submissive I know, including myself, hates to get into trouble, but it’s going to happen. We have to admit that there will be times of backsliding, pushing limits and general disobedience in our learning. It’s a part of growth. This doesn’t mean we are more or less submissive or that we don’t deserve the collar we wear. It just means we need that bit of focus that punishment affords us. Don’t think of punishment as something bad, but as something to help us grow inward.

Punishment really can be a good thing.

While most of the following ideas are used mainly in online relationships, they can and are used in face-to-face relationships as well. Feel free to add your own thoughts as well. I would like to point out that communication is key in any relationship and negotiation of these issues is important. A Dominant must not violate your limits or agreed terms during punishment. Also, punishment is not to be enjoyed by either party in order for it to work correctly. It is difficult for sex to be a good punishment because of this.

Essays

Now, for those submissives in an online relationship punishment takes on a variety of tasks. Most common is the essay. The essay can be about anything that the Dominant feels would benefit the submissive in improving their behavior.  In most cases I have seen essays about the specific infraction used the most.

Many online submissives have blogs where they post their completed work. Others use email to send their completed essay to their Dominant. I know I used the email method when I was online only, but eventually those essays ended up on my blog as well. Reading old essays has helped me see where my mind was at in various times of my submission.

Writing lines is another form of essay punishment that can be a reinforcement tool. Handwriting lines in a book is a physical reminder as well as a mental one that you have disobeyed and are being punished.

It’s easy to see that the proof that you fulfilled your punishment is the resulting paper or set of lines. This is why it is a good punishment tool for those online relationships.

Sexual Chastisement

Punishment in this form can be instructed to wear a sexual aid for a period of time, no orgasms for a time frame or any other form of control that the Dominant can take away as part of your punishment for misbehaving.

A common punishment in my Dominant’s house is wearing a butt plug or ben wa balls while out, forbidding orgasms for a time or making me do something sexual that doesn’t appeal to me (but isn’t a limit).

The delicate thing about this form of punishment is that if the Dominant uses something that they want you to start enjoying then it could set a negative vibe about it once the activity is employed for pleasure instead of punishment. Sexual punishments should be used with care if used at all.

For online relationships, these things may be carried out while on web cam or chatting directly. With built up trust, these things can also be done with camera proof or maintaining communication.

Lecture

No one ever looked forward to a lecture from their parents. Having to sit down and listen to your Dominant tell you that you were disobedient is just as scary. Having to hear a long drawn out message is even worse. You can feel horrible and that’s the point. Driving it home is the purpose. Listen to your Dominant during lectures, don’t tune them out.

Privilege Restriction

In essence this is like being grounded. The Dominant can take away favorite foods, set a bedtime, allow only a certain number of text messages per day or can make clothing requirements. Anything that you take for granted can be taken away from you. Punishments of this sort are quite common in face-to-face relationships as they can be policed easier that way.

Online ‘Public’ Punishment

Used mostly online as the title describes, this would be going to a chat room or other online BDSM venue where others are and declaring your misdeed and receiving chastisement in front of other people.

This is also possible in face-to-face relationships. I’ve read of submissives wearing signs at parties about thier misbehavior and what punishment they are under. There are many creative ways to be punished in BDSM public and if your relationship allows for this form of activity then the Dominant may deploy it to teach you a lesson.

Proof

For an online or long distance relationship, part of the frustration of both parties is the proof that the punishment was carried out. Unlike the essay option where there is physical proof that it was completed other punishment may require the use of technology.

• Web Cam or Digital Photo – Used when an image is necessary to see that the punishment was carried out. This can be helpful in most any instance of self punishment.
• Other Documentation of Self-Punishment Obedience – things like calendars, text messages, emails and voice messages can help provide proof that you have obeyed.
• Anything else? What other ideas do you have as ways to prove you obeyed and the sentence was carried out?

photo by apesara

Coming Clean: Admitting Your Disobedience

We all have those little voices in our head that tell us what to do. Sometimes it tries to convince us that our disobedience is okay.  The voices are very convincing at times and then we have guilt riding with us until we come clean. Perhaps you’ve heard these voices yourself:

“Come on, he won’t see me have this Pepsi I’m not supposed to have. I can drink it before he comes home and no one need know.”

“As long as it looks like I cleaned the kitchen he won’t care, I can bend the rules a bit with this one.”

“He won’t know that I didn’t go to bed on time if I stay off the computer; I’m not ready to sleep just yet.”

These are simple voices, but only you know how far your voices go to stray you from the path of your personal submission.

If you give in to the voices you have a choice to make. You can keep it a secret and live with the guilt until it eats you up so much that you just have to tell them. By then the infraction isn’t only that you had a pop, for example, but that you hid it from them, perhaps even lied to keep them from finding out and you are in deep deep trouble. Or you can do the good submissive thing and admit your misdeed as soon as you can. The sooner the better.

Honesty is always the best policy, even if that means you are going to be in trouble for a time for disobeying. The pain of guilt and added punishment is far far worse. Coming clean isn’t easy. It means admitting to the person you serve that you didn’t take their rules seriously enough to obey them. It means that you failed them.

The level of the failure varies on the infraction, but admitting it to your Dominant does give you some level of uplift when the punishment is handed down. I’ve even had my Dominant tell me that since I brought it to him so quickly that my punishment would be less. If you count sitting in the kitchen facing the microwave for 15 mins as less (ugh I hate time out).

Coming clean does not mean you can listen to those voices again. You need to learn from your mistakes and make a concious choice not to do it again.

How do you come clean? What is the longest you held something in and how did you get disciplined for it? Share your story so that others may learn from your trials.

photo by Robyn Gallagher

Banishment as a Form of Punishment: How Do You Cope?

“Go to your room!”

Yes even  adults in power exchange relationships get treated like children sometimes. A common tool for Dominants in their punishment arsenal is removal. You can be removed from the activity and sent to a time out area. For me that’s the kitchen. Ugh. I hate when I’m banished there. I can still hear what’s going on everywhere else, and to torture me even more there are no clocks. I can’t tell how much time has passed.  It works for us because I can understand my punishment and correct my behavior during the time I am away.

You may not have such a short time away. What if your Dominant tells you that they are not going to talk to you or see you for a week? Longer? How do you cope with that realization that you have made them so upset with you that they don’t want to see you? It happens more often in relationships that are not live-in, but certainly are not reserved to that style of relationship. It’s hard and I spent my first few removals crying and confused.

Now, cyber relationships use banishment a lot more readily and it can be even more frustrating. You are essentially cut off from your Dominant in every way. They won’t answer their phone, you email them but no response; it’s like they dropped off the face of the earth. In these cases I think that banishment is a lot more damaging than other punishment. In fact I’m sure it’s lead to a lot of failed attempts at online submission. Connection and communication is the only way you are staying together and so to break that leaves a huge gaping hole. A hole that you can bail out of. Commonly, that is just what happens.

There are ways to cope with the disconnect of your Dominant for punishment sake. It may be hard at first, like it was for me, but it is possible. Now, coping does not mean you can get used to it, that the reason you are being punished can be forgotten, or that you won’t miss your Dominant. All of these things are important to remind yourself of while you go through your banishment.

The Initial Phase

At first you could feel that your relationship is fractured or that you did something really really bad to deserve this. Now I can’t judge how bad punishment is; only your Dominant really knows if it fits the crime. The only thing you can do is serve the punishment with humility. Do not constantly try to get in contact with them. They have given you this punishment and you should serve it.

Reflecting on the Infraction

Now that you know you are being punished and that you have a bit more time on your hands; think about what you did. Write about it to yourself or in a journal. Figure out how you can prevent it in the future. Heal the problem as best as you can so that you do not have to feel this punishment again.

Atone

As soon as the punishment is over apologize for what you did wrong. This is not the time to say that you didn’t do anything wrong or critique your Dominant. Be humble and apologize. You can hope that your reflection on what you did wrong will remind you that you don’t want to do that again, or you can apologize and know that you have corrected it.

Stay strong; banishment is not an easy punishment and thankfully something not everyone does.

When You Can’t Get Away: Follow Up to Submissive PMS

In a recent video post about Submissive PMS I had someone email me with some questions that I thought deserved a new post. If you haven’t seen the video or attached post, please go to the article and read it first!

Now on to his questions:

1. What’s a subbie to do when, for whatever reason, he or she cannot get away? What about the use of corporal discipline to help put the sub in his or her place?

Sure there will always be times when a submissive is not able to get away to refocus for a number of reasons. In this case, I am a firm believer of a mantra or meditation. It can be said aloud or internally no matter where you are. You may even be able to close your eyes and focus on your breathing to really center yourself. This works wonderfully if you only have a few moments in which to reset your mind and continue.

It will not work all the time; it’s just a matter of being human that sometimes for whatever reason, you are moody or grouchy and inheriently disobedient. When you realize this might be the case; informing your Dominant is the best course of action. Sure it could get you in trouble if you do disobey, but at least they will be equiped with some of the reason behind it.

Another way to try to refocus or at least not snap at your Dominant is the famous count to 5 trick. It really does work. I kinda like to count backward from 10. I feel centered and focused when through that bit of meditation.

About corporal punishment… it’s an okay idea, but then that puts the responsibility into the Dominant’s hand to try to correct your own problem of lack of focus. What is really going on when this happens is the Dominant is facilitating your need to refocus with a meditation or other separation from the event by giving you pain to do so. In essense the Dominant is creating the recentering time you need.  I’d like to focus in this blog about how we can help ourselves become better human beings that happen to be submissive and ‘making’ the Dominant correct our mood is in that vein.

The other concern is that it doesn’t work all the time. What if your mood is just so off kilter that your act worse after the punishment. In this case the Dominants attempt at correction pushed your further away from center and you will most likely find it harder to refocus after that. It becomes a steep downward slope.

2. I have a feeling that, unless they enjoy feminization, male subs might not exactly take ownership of the term submissive PMS. Any ideas on a term for males? It might not be as cute, but something like “sub glitch”?

Oh I’m sure we can come up with a term that male submissives could embrace that means the same thing. So, dear reader, what ideas do you have to replace PMS with something more masculine centric? I’d love to see what you come up with in the comments!

Can I Be Abused in a BDSM Relationship?

This week’s video post is about BDSM vs. Abuse.

A BDSM relationship, especially one with sadomasochistic moments, is subject to questions all the time about it’s proximity to abuse. It is not uncommon to have people unfamiliar with BDSM to say that what we do is abuse and violence; we see it all the time portrayed incorrectly in the media. Others associate criminal sadists with the BDSM scene, again something we have to struggle against.

A healthy BDSM relationship is one where people exchange power, sensations or experiences in a consensual, mutually fullfilling way. These exchanges increase self-esteem and all parties are are actively invested in the well-being of their partners and themselves.

The core of BDSM is consent. No one will disagree with this. We are all aware, hopefully, that abuse is not consensual. If you feel that what is going on is ‘not right’ then you certainly should investigate if it is abuse or not. Some of what you may feel could not be abuse at all, but it’s good to know for sure. The harm associated with abuse can be physical, emotional, mental, sexual, social or economic.  Here are some thoughts on whether the BDSM relationship you are in might be abusive from The National Leather Association-International Domestic Violence Project.

• Abuser may coerce or force a victim into agreements without their full informed consent, especially long-term contracts with newcomers.
• Abuser may manipulate a victim into financial or emotional dependence without taking precautions should conflict occur or the need to leave arise.
• Abuser may exert non-consensual control, dominance or abuse of a partners children or make demands that go against maternal or paternal responsibilities. (I.E. Restricting access to children as punishment.)
• Abuser may use threats of abandonment or loss of current5 contract if new demands are not met.
• Abuser may force victim to do things alone, together or with others in ways that violate or compromise previous negotiations.
• Abuser may use name calling, mind games, denial of human necessities like food, water, shelter as needed, health care and so forth, especially in ways that reduce a victim’s self-esteem.
• Abuser may threaten to expose victim or your lifestyle to ‘vanilla’ co-workers, family members, or children.
• Abuser may initiate inappropriate or harmful punishments or withhold appreciation or affection as punishment.
• Abuser may deny a behavior is abusive and/or may minimize abuse. The abuser may also accuse you of making abuse up, not being submissive/Dominant enough, and so forth.

Trust your instincts. If you feel in danger, make a plan to get out.

You might also be interested in

Simply Service Newsletter from November 2005

Included in this edition:

• My Journey by slavedebbie
• Community Unity by Master Kalan
• Declutter 101 by Tante Jen
• Metamorphosis by slave a
• Naturally Polyamourous by Mistress Pamela
• Essay by E Missy Hall
• Intimate Partner Abuse in the BDSM Lifestyle by sequi

Maintenance Spankings; Why Do It?

This week’s video post is about maintenance spankings.

Maintenance spankings are a way to keep the relationship fresh, revive the roles on a regular basis and to not let life away from the dynamic interfere with what your relationship goals are. A maintenance spanking can be anything from a scheduled night of the week where a short and sweet spanking takes place, to a more drawn out session of power and control. Either way their purpose is to maintain the dynamic.

Not everyone does this. My Master and I don’t. It’s not needed. That may be because we have an ideal situation: no kids, no outside jobs. Just us 24/7 living how we want to live. People who aren’t as lucky, and that’s the majority of you, could use maintenance spankings to keep the D/s alive when you feel it may fade into bills, running the kids to sports practice and work.

A maintenance spanking works something like a scheduled meeting. On whatever day you have set for your maintenance spanking you meet, talk about your week in terms of your role and confess any backsliding you are aware of. These things are taken into account with how the spanking will play out because the point is to keep you focused on your submission. Be honest with your partner. Even if you aren’t masochist you can benefit from these spankings.

The spanking is dictated by the Dominant to be whatever they want it to be. It could be sensual, it could be rough. It may or may not end with sex. These are variables that make each relationship unique. I personally prefer spankings that end in orgasms for both of us, but that may not be what works for you.

The important part of a maintenance spanking is that it’s scheduled and you do not reschedule. This is for the health of your relationship dynamic. Having something to look forward to each week or so is revitalizing and can help keep you focused where you need to be during difficult times. It can also bring more intimacy into your life. These moments are about just the two of you connecting. The power of touch, even in a swat is well worth it.

Also using maintenance spankings can and do decrease the need for punishment spankings. When you receive maintenance spankings then it is more likely that your behavior and attitude will stay positive and you will be less likely to be disobedient. Once you are obedient more often then maintenance spankings can and should be reduced.

What are your thoughts on maintenance spankings? Do you receive these? How frequently?

Excellent articles about Maintenance Spankings

Cease Resistance – This is all about different types of spankings, Maintenance spankings are half way down the page. Written in the DD or HOH line of thought.

Loving Domestic Discipline – Again written in the DD thread, but wonderfully written article.

Carte Blanche – Repeating Misbehavior Patterns

Getting in trouble. We’ve all been there a time or two. It comes with learning and training new things as well as changing behaviors. Our Dominants generally don’t derive any pleasure out of punishing us and the guilt we put on ourselves can be more damaging than the misdeed in the first place. Allowing that the punishment has been handed out and the misdeed forgiven, why do we sometimes continue to fail with the same behavior and wind up right back in the hot seat? I’m going to talk about a submissive’s mindset when it comes to repeat patterns in behavior and why we just can’t keep our feet on the straight and narrow.

When I first starting learning what it was like to be my Master’s submissive, I found that there was a lot to know and that assuming one thing over knowing another generally got me in trouble a lot. I bucked against old habits and experience from past relationships. All of these things weren’t going to make my new life any easier. I kept getting in trouble for the same things over and over again. No matter how hard I worked to be good, and trust me I worked at it. The time between punishments did lengthen, but only slightly.

I was in the mindset of the carte blanche. In plain English, that’s the clean slate syndrome. After punishment, did I really learn my lesson? Probably not. I listened to the lecture, I felt the pain of the lash and then I was off to do whatever I was supposed to with a clean slate. Until the next time.

Learn From Your Mistakes

Learning from your mistakes is the first and most important task of a submissive when it comes to changing behavior patterns that are not welcome to your Dominant. For many submissives, this comes very easily. This is not the group of submissives this post is focused on. Those of us who require a lot of mental and/or physcial focus to change our behaviors will understand that falling back into our old ways is easy, no matter how badly we would want to be good and learn the new behavior.

Try to keep your new behaviors obvious to you. You may need to place note cards throughout your house, wear a reminder bracelet or have an audio reminder to help you change your behavior. Get support and advice from senior submissives to help you learn how to change your behavior.

Have Patience

You will not learn new behaviors overnight. To learn a new behavior you need to do it consistently for 3 weeks; but this, in its self, is not an easy task. We make it easier by practicing first. We need to do two things here. Firstly, we need to be able to easily perform the require actions. Secondly, we need to link that action to a cue. A cue can be anything from a command or a visual indication.

For example, imagine that you have a new behavior that you must kneel before getting into your Dominant’s bed at night. At first you will probably forget this habit and need to be reminded by your Dominant. It’s a normal part of learning. Then after a bit you may remember most of the time, but still have moments where you are startled back onto the floor because you suddenly remembered you didn’t kneel. Finally, you have established your new behavior and correction is no longer needed.

Punishment For Attention

Many novice submissives haven’t learned how to communicate their needs or wants completely yet, and find themselves breaking rules and getting into ’small trouble’ just to get attention they need or want. They can consider punishment just as a part of their relationship and not realize the importance of learning that the misbehavior is not welcome and punishment is not pleasurable.

Others will try to get punished by being unusually bratty when they really just want to play. It unfortunately shows a lack of self-control and submissive weakness. Normal bratty behavior can be cute and endearing if the Dominant likes that attitude. Being aggressively so is what I’m referring to here.

Punishment is not  goal, it is something to be avoided. Your bad behavior reflects poorly on yourself and your Dominant. It can undermind the progress you have made in your submission and can end your relationship. Living in carte blanche syndrome is like not taking enough serious work into becoming the best submissive you can be for your Dominant. It’s time to change your thinking.

Focus on the Positive

Submission is a journey that never ends. If you try to change, you can change. Through open communication and focused energy you can be the shining light in your Dominant’s eyes. Live for the praise and positive reinforcement. You’ve earned it.

Do I have to Like Pain to be Submissive?

This week’s video post is about masochism and submission.

I mentioned this in the post about myths that submissive’s aren’t always masochist. I thought this topic deserved a more in depth discussion.

I’m a masochist. I get sexual pleasure from pain. That’s wired into me. I’m also submissive. It’s who I am. For me, these two things go together.

It’s not always the case. I read about submissives forcing themselves into play with Dominants because they think it comes with the role of submissive. They don’t understand that they are separate entities. Now, submitting to pain to please the Dominant is different and can bring your further into your submission the more you take from your Dominant, but it’s not required and should never be forced.

This has nothing to do with punishment. No one likes to be punished but sometimes it’s a necessary evil. This is about pleasure, pure and simple.

If you are a submissive, or learning about submission and don’t like pain or don’t think you like pain then that doesn’t mean you aren’t submissive. It just means you aren’t masochist. There are so many roads to submission that going down that one is not required. You could like service, or domestics, or even animal play. There are endless possibilities.

If you have questions about masochism please email me at subguide@gmail.com. I would be happy to answer them for you.

A Grand Apology [Day 11 - 2WBSP]

Today’s task is to learn an appropriate pose to take when apologizing for wrong-doing. If you need to review the past posts in this series, please take a look at the leading post.

This position is hopefully something you don’t have to do often but since we are all human, it is going to happen. I’ve had my own mis-steps and misbehavior that has landing me over his lap or chastized in another way. This position would certainly be helpful for me in my need to feel forgiven.

How do you want to appear when asking forgiveness? Is there a position that draws you from what we’ve already learned for use during apologies? Would you prefer standing or kneeling? What would your Dominant want from you?

Try It

1. Kneel, head lowered with whatever hand position you feel would express your apology best.
2. Express your apology in a clear and concise voice.
3. Stay in that position until your Dominant gives you permission to move.

Another option may be to lay flat on your back with your hands either extended in front of you, or clasped behind your back. This may be best done when no vocal apology is required or they have plans for punishment that require your immobility.

How do you show your Dominant that you are sorry? Is it in word and deed?

Handling Guilt from Mistakes and Punishment

Everyone at one time or another is going to go through moments of guilt. Submissives may have added self-guilt when you break a rule, or upset your Dominant. These things are going to happen as you develop and grow in your role and your life. It’s hard to believe but no one is perfect.

What is guilt?

• Feeling of responsibility for negative circumstances that have befallen yourself or others.
• Feeling of regret for your real or imagined misdeeds, both past and present.
• Sense of remorse for thoughts, feelings or attitudes that were or are negative, uncomplimentary or non-accepting concerning yourself or others.
• Feeling of obligation for not pleasing, not helping or not placating another.
• Feeling of bewilderment and lack of balance for not responding to a situation in your typical, stereotype manner.
• Feeling of loss and shame for not having done or said something to someone who is no longer available to you.
• Accepting of responsibility for someone else’s misfortune or problem because it bothers you to see that person suffer.
• Motivator to amend all real or perceived wrongs.
• Strong moral sense of right and wrong that inhibits you from choosing a “wrong” course of action; however, you assign your own definitions to the words.
• Driving force or mask behind which irrational beliefs hide.

The First Step

The first step to resolving guilt is recognizing guilt. It may seem a stupid step but guilt is stealthy. It comes in the middle of the night and takes up residence, even without our noticing it.

I remember my first really bad mistake with my Master. Even after the punishment was over, I wasn’t done punishing myself. He had moved on and I continued to mope around living in the idea that I had displeased him. I didn’t realize it was guilt though. I just thought I was feeling bad for being bad. I let it get so bad that I couldn’t enjoy the play and sex that we had later on. I was still stuck on the mistake I had made.

Answer the following questions in a journal.

a. What problem is currently troubling me?
b. Who is responsible for the problem?
c. Whose problem is it, really?
d. What did I do to make this problem worse for myself?
e. How much guilt do I feel about this problem?
f. How much does the guilt I experience exaggerate or exacerbate my problem?
g. If I felt no more guilt what would my problem look like then?

This recognition could be enough to drop the self-flagellation. If it doesn’t, at the very least it gives us permission to heal, to take the next step and let go of the pain.

Let Go of the Pain

Welcome the pain in, accept the feelings you are having and let go of the shame associated with it. Feel the sorrow without acting on it. Our emotions are fluid and if we can just allow them to happen they will ease. And yet we fight it, deny it, pretend it doesn’t exist – and that keeps us blocked, weighs us down.

In your questions answered above, question ‘g’ should give you an opening into what the real problem is. This could help you see what is blocking you from resolving the problem.

Could it be that you haven’t been punished for the mistake or had it recognized by your Dominant as an issue? Many times guilt can make the punishment work harder than it needs to, it can take a small mistake and make it a huge one. Allow your Dominant to know what you are feeling and release the responsibility of that mistake.

Punishment is a good way to resolve not only the problem but the guilt involved. I know on many occasions I asked to be punished for something I did that he didn’t consider punish-worthy just because I had a lot of guilt behind it. The punishment was a way of purifying my emotions. It is possible that you are unconciously asking for resolution to come from someone else.

Affirmations

Lastly, make sure you affirm that you are good. You deserve to have the problem resolved, you deserve to treat yourself right and you deserve to be treated well. Meditate on the corrected behavior and find a way to prevent it from happening again. Atone for the mistake in a positive way and move on from the guilt.

photo credit by Maigh

Pet Play and Human Pets: A Primer

Today’s post comes from Skylerpet, a submissive pet in a D/s relationship who volunteered to write an essay for me after seeing the Weekly Tips on YouTube. Thank you Skylerpet!

Pet play is one of the most unique, one of the least known and in my opinion one of the most fun and entertaining sub-cultures in the BDSM, D/s and “kink” lifestyle. Now, I write this from the perspective of a submissive female, so please keep in mind that it can be changed around to any form you want.

Pet play involves one or more people acting as an animal with typically the submissive being the animal and the Dominant being the “Owner” and/or “Trainer.” I have heard of the Dominant being the animal and Dominating his/her submissive that way, such as holding the submissive down with a bite on the neck, but I am unfamiliar with this.

What animals are common for submissives to be? Most commonly you will see ponies, puppies and pigs. I myself have been a kitty and as of this writing am a puppy. Less frequently I have also seen bunnies, cows and once a seal, though I have no experience with these animals.

For me, one of the biggest reasons I enjoy pet play, aside from it simply being fun, is that it reinforces the Owner/owned relationship. Non-human pets are owned and completely dependent on their owner. They get fed when the owner decides and only then. Their toys and medical care is wholly dependent upon the owner remembering and doing. In a 24/7 D/s relationship this is often times also true. The slave is fed after their Owner has eaten. They wear what their Owner wishes, sleeps when and where their Owner tells them, and follows the rules their Owner dictates. So it is with non-human pets. The only difference is that your non-human pets didn’t consent. You choose them and bring them home upon your own whim. With D/s pet play, the submissive consents to be the property of their Owner. For me, being an animal, being “less than human” reinforces my Dom’s Domination of me. He is a Man and wholly human. I am a pup. His pup.

How is the animal chosen?

There are typically three ways.

• One way is the submissive acting upon his/her instincts to which animal they most identify with. If the submissive is loyal and playful perhaps they lean towards puppy. If they enjoy being led around and high protocol training perhaps it would be pony.
• One other common way for the animal to be chosen is for the Dominant to choose for the submissive. If S/He prefers a puppy to a kitty, the submissive will be molded into a puppy. As another example if the Dom is a farmer who enjoys breastfeeding from His submissive, perhaps He would like her to be a cow.
• The submissive can also switch animals from time to time if their pet play is temporary, if they simply enjoy experimentation or if they do not identify with one particular animal.

Why pet play?

• One large reason many D/s couples go into pet play is for the humiliation and dependence aspect. Restricting a submissive’s movement and vocalizations forces them to be that much more dependent on their Dom. Also, not being allowed on furniture or having to use a litter box instead of a toilet can be very humiliating for some.
• Another is because it is simply fun. It is a great psychological and emotional release to be able to come home and let loose the restrictions of humanity and what humans are “supposed to be like.” It is just plain fun to bat around a cat toy or play tricks and get treat rewards. It could also be described as a “de-stressing” process from the rigors of daily life, especially if the participants work outside the home.
• It can help with submission, as taking away some parts of the submissive’s humanity can help take away their sense of equality. It can help the submissive orient their mind to their Dom being their focus in life.
• Pet play could also be used as punishment. If the submissive misbehaves badly it could be punishment to be put out in the pig stalls with the pigs for a period of time, or whatever animal is available, and made to act like that animal as the punishment.

How does one engage in pet play?

• Restrict movement via bondage.
• Restrict verbal communication, perhaps to only certain words or animal sounds such as “woof!” or “mew!” or more child-like words such as “up!” or “potty!”.
• Training exercises such as tricks for puppies, walking on leads and leashes or for ponies pulling a cart/plow.
• Eating and drinking out of bowls without the use of hands and/or silverware.
• Learning to use a litter box instead of a toilet, or even going outside.
• Playing with toys, such as batting toys for kitties or tug-of-war toys for puppies.
• Begging in the manner of the animal you identify with, such as a puppy whining.
• Caging.
• Not being allowed on furniture without permission.

Also, safety is incredibly important!

So please keep these things in mind, and also any others that fit your lifestyle:

• When it comes to eating actual animal food, while it is okay for perhaps a short scene, it is not safe to do so on a regular basis. Humans have different nutritional needs than animals do, and it is incredibly important to get your nutritional needs met. There are many ways to simulate animal food and treats such as mashing up meatloaf with ketchup, using stews or even baking treats in the shapes of bones and such. However, for any long term play, Eukanuba, Purina and any other brand of animal food you use, are for canines and felines, not humans.
• If you choose to use training and/or shock collars, please, PLEASE read the instructions! On a personal level I am not into electric play, but it is out there. So please, be careful and safe.
• If you put your pup slave into a kennel, please keep in mind that they are very cramped. You do not want your pup slave to be damaged from being in that position for long periods of time.
• If the submissive has had their ability to move and speak restricted it is incredibly important that some form of communication is available to them so that they may communicate if something has happened and/or gone wrong, both physically and emotionally.
• Also, in my opinion having a human pet can add some responsibility to the Dom because when some of the submissive’s humanity is taken away and especially if their communication is restricted, the Dominant must that much more aware of the submissive’s frame of mind.

So that’s a very basic overview of pet play. It can get a lot more specific if one looks at each relationship and the animal(s) involved. A note though; pet play sometimes can be sexual, and sometimes can be completely non-sexual. It, as with everything else, simply depends on the couple involved. Please keep in mind that I am in no way speaking of bestiality. This is two or more human beings acting and role playing within the confines of their negotiated relationship.

Most importantly: Have fun and ask questions if you need or want to!!

In my opinion, pet play can deepen submission, but only if it’s right for you.

Skylerpet is a 24/7 submissive pup in her late 20’s. She has been into pet play since she discovered the D/s lifestyle and can be reached at: requiemskye@yahoo.com for emails and also YIM chat.

photo by photognome

Two Dominants

Today’s guest post is by Aria, a bi poly switch kinkster.

So currently I have 2 dominants, Edge and Vice. You would think that to have 2 Doms I would have to be the most submissive woman ever, but I’m a switch. I often call myself a beta-top because I love to co-top with them. Fortunately for me they let my top side come out when I need release, just as long as I don’t try to top them.

Having 2 dominants has worked out very smoothly for the three of us actually. I’ve been with Vice for 4 years and have only been with Edge for a year and a half. When Edge and I first started dating I didn’t know he was a Dom since he had minimal experience in the lifestyle. Especially when we started, Edge was very deferential to Vice. We used to laugh at how careful he was not to step on toes. Being so polite and considerate I think really helped Vice grow to trust him and keep down jealousy issues as well. Which isn’t to say we never have problems. No relationship is perfect, and by writing this I certainly don’t mean to say we are. As with most relationships, communication is key. Most of the time a problem pops up it comes back to some miscommunication.

A few basic rules are what keep us working well together.

Rule 1 – They don’t contradict each other.

Let’s say Edge gives me an order that I am not to orgasm for the next week. He will always make an exception for Vice. “If Vice wants you to come for him or you come because of something he does, then that’s ok. “ Or he would specifically ask Vice to approve a punishment (or help enforce it).

Rule 2- They back each other up. They help enforce each others rules and punishments. This of course takes communication between them.

Rule 3 – They don’t interfere in problems I’m having with the other one.

Often I need to vent about something to someone who understands. This usually means my other partner. They listen, offer some advice, and at the end almost always say “so when are you going to go talk to him about it?”

Rule 4- Before going to an event we establish who my main Dom is for that time period. This doesn’t mean I can’t play with, cuddle, or interact with the other Dom, just that the main one gets decision making power. They get to say what I wear or who I play with. Fortunately they share very well. At Beat Me in St. Louis this year, they split up the weekend so that each one got to be in charge one day of the event.

Issues do occasionally pop up however. I enjoy the submissive role, but I’m not naturally very submissive. Sometimes getting me to submit (and not just be a brat or a SAM) is difficult. Vice lives with me, so he and I have to interact as equal partners quite a bit. This makes it hard for me to submit to him especially. He struggled with some envy when I began playing with Edge because Edge and I got to date and play without much real world interference. We never had to fight about who’s turn it was to do the dishes or take out the dog because we didn’t live together. This meant it was easier for me to get in the submission mindset and let go easier. We also always seemed to go somewhere fun and interesting and new when we went out. Vice felt like the two of us didn’t get the same kind of time I got with Edge. Which brings me to rule number 5.

Rule 5- They don’t try to get more time with me by stealing from the other one.

I’ve known poly couples where every time their partner was out on a date, some crisis would come up. They would call in a panic and need their partner to come home immediately. Every time. This isn’t a good way to handle jealousy/envy/loneliness. You’ve got to own your feelings and ask for what you want. Being the person in the middle, it was my job to make sure that Vice still knew I cared about him, and that I still liked submitting to him and playing with him. It was his job to handle his emotions as best he could and ask for reassurance when he needed it. In this case, the problem was that every time I went out with Edge it was fun and special. Vice and I needed some special time of our own, without the normal interferences of daily life. We set up a dedicated Dungeon Date night for Vice and I, where we could focus on keeping the kink part of our life active. Making sure we had some “special time” time together helped us keep our connection alive while I was building a new one with Edge.

Playing with two Doms has been really good for me as a submissive cause it has allowed me to learn a great deal about myself, and that carries over to both my relationships. They have two different styles and techniques, and that brings out two different sides of my submission. Each did things that seemed to “work”. Finding something that works in one relationship gave me insight into the other. Successfully going deeper in submission in one relationship helped me be brave enough to go deeper in submission in my other relationship.

So what do I do make it work?

I’ve been really lucky in finding these Doms. They both really want me to be happy with the other one. They honestly want me to have hot scenes and hot sex, just as I wish for them and their other partners. I’ve sort of made it sound like to successfully have two partners, they’ve had to do all the work. But these rules apply to me too. So what do I do to make this work? I don’t ask one partner to interfere with another, I don’t try to get them to contradict each other. I make sure I ask which one will be in charge for the evening before we get there.

All people need reassurance, and that includes Dominants. Especially if they know you are playing with more than one person. People say you aren’t supposed to compare your partners and I don’t in the sense of saying someone is “better” than someone else. But I do compare them when I say things like “Well Edge is really good at this part, but Vice is really good at that part”. I make it clear that my partners know what great stuff I get from them and no one else. If you make your partner feel special and treasured, they won’t feel as anxious when you are away from them.

As I said above, miscommunication is what causes most of our problems. Being in the middle I consider it my job to facilitate communication. I’m pretty talkative, but I try to let the men have their say too. I try to ask how they feel about things so they know its ok to talk about or bring up. I also immediately made it clear to them that they can speak to each other when I’m not there. They have each others phone numbers, email addresses, and chat names. Once they have that info, I need to get out of their way. I need to trust that they are big boys who can handle the communication between themselves without me being involved. Like I said above, submitting is sometimes difficult for me, so this is often a struggle, but I do my best.

That being said, it is also my job to bring up issues as I see them. If I see a huge roadblock, or someone crossing a line, it is my duty to bring it up. But hopefully in a calm and non-inflammatory manner.

Overall, being in a 2 dominant relationship is like being in any poly relationship. Have lots of communication and handle disagreements in the least dramatic way possible.

Aria is a bi poly switch kinkster. She lives in Iowa and frequently travels to conventions in St. Louis. She’s AriaSwitch on fetlife and can be contacted at Aria@boundforfun.com.

A Great Example of a Slave’s Rosary

On FetLife quite awhile back now, a slave posted her version of a rosary with her Master as the focus. As with any rosary or prayer beads, it is used in mediation and presents a spirituality in service that can be adopted and adapted to fit your relationship.

I’ve always had a curiosity with religious artifacts and items used by the believers. I’ve even made and had blessed a set of rosary beads for a friend of mine. They were very special for me to make, and I will most likely do it again for someone new.

The following is a rosary, set up in the same format as the Catholic Rosary to be said during times of mediation for a slave. You can change the prayers any way you’d like or reorganize them. I would love to know if you have your own submissive Rosary and could share that in the comments!

For those not familiar, a typical Rosary consists of an emblem, three beads leading up to a medallion, and then five sets each of ten beads separated by a single bead.

The Order of Prayers

written by Syr_David’s ~melly

Begin at the emblem (1) then the single bead (2) then the three beads (3) then (4) and then the single bead (5) skip the medallion and start on the decades (set of ten beads) (6) after each of those, say (7) and then on the single bead, (8) . Repeat for each decade. At the end, (the medallion) you can say the slaves prayer again, or whatever mantra you wish to end with.

1. I say a portion of my oath of fealty here. You can repeat the “Slave’s Prayer“, or whatever is pertinent to you (original was the Apostle’s Creed).
2. Say the “Master, owner of my body“.
3. Say three “I am your slave“.
4. Say the “In gratitude“.
5. Announce (or think) the principle of your service that you will be concentrating on, and say the “Owner of my body“.
6. Say ten “I am your slave” while considering and concentrating on the principle or idea you have.
7. Say the “In gratitude“.
8. Say the principle you are meditating on, and say the “Master, owner of my body“.

The Prayers

Slave’s Prayer – adapted from A Submissive’s Prayer

Allow me the Serenity to serve Him in peace

Allow me the Love to show Him myself

Allow me the Tenderness to comfort Him

Allow me the Light to show us the way

Allow me the Wisdom to be an asset to Him

Let me be able to show Him each day my love of service to Him

Let me open myself up to completely belong to Him

Let me accept my punishments with grace

Let me learn to please Him beyond myself

Grant me the power to give myself to Him completely

Give me the strength to please us both

Permit me to love myself in loving Him

Return to Prayer Order

Master, owner of my body

Master, owner of my body and director of my will, you are with me. I am thankful that I serve you. Let me be transparent as glass, that my heart may be visible always, for my entire self, even unto the workings of my mind, are yours. Master, I honor you with my service and submit to you with my thoughts, words, and deeds, so that I may be a reflection of your will, and the manifestation of your desires.

Return to Prayer Order

I am your slave

Master, I am your slave and your property. I will work and I will sacrifice that I may reflect your intentions, and make of myself a window to the soul you own. Use me Master, as you see fit, that I may learn to serve and to submit to you in all things.

Return to Prayer Order

In Gratitude

In gratitude I serve, and in thankfulness I submit, and in peace I honor my Master with my trust.

Return to Prayer Order

photo by Muffet

Mapping Out Your Ideal Submission

Continuing the work on your training resume, I’d like to talk about mapping out how you dream of your submission being. This is a discussion of ideals and dreams. You can be as fanciful as you want right now, we will narrow things down as we go along. There are 3 things I’d like to focus on in this post. What your ideal relationship is, the structure you’d like to have and the level of protocol you dream of having. This works for kinky bedroom relationships and also full time dynamics.

Get out pen and paper because what we are going to do is make a map of our ideal relationship. If you have ever made a mind map, you know what are about to do; if not, below are some links to information about mind maps. A mind map is a colorful whole brain approach to taking notes and putting together thoughts and common ideas.

• How to make a Mind Map
• Mind Maps: A Powerful Approach to Note-Taking
• How to Mind Map
• Learning Skills: Mind Mapping

An excellent free online tool for mind mapping can be found at MindMeister.com

Ideal Relationship

Your first mind map should be about your ideal relationship and what you are looking for in a partner. As with all mind maps, the very center should be an image or central thought. Let’s put your partner there. Branching from that you can put physical features that attract you, activities you enjoy, emotional attachment levels and  future desires for children, income, housing and other future wants and needs. Don’t leave anything out.

Structure

The second mind map is about the structure of your D/s dynamic. Do you want monogamy or poly-relations? Are you looking to be a pet, or perhaps a service submissive? Is Internal slavery your desire? How strict should the person be? Does punishment and discipline for rule violations intrigue you? How frequently do you want to play?

This is just a jumping off point, you can expand and explore everything you are looking for in  the D/s part of your relationship.

Protocol

This mind map will probably be the most difficult. In this mind map, I’d like you to think about example rules and routine you’d like to develop. Think about how you’d like to act, what you dream about doing or saying in specific moments of your day or relationship. Do you like Gorean living? Perhaps a tiered system of a poly household? Dream up your rules and rituals that you may want to explore.

When you have completed your mind maps they should help you see how your dreams and future goals go together, how your ideal relationship is planned out in your mind and is now on paper. You can use this to help you communicate to your partner or when looking for that special person. Keep it in your training resume binder.

Building your Training Resume

1. Beginning Your Training Resume
2. Recording Your Training History
3. Recording Your Completed Training
4. Mapping Out Your Ideal Submission
5. The BDSM Checklist that will Really Help You
6. Add Your Reading List
7. Add Cons, Classes and Events

photo credit by harpreet thinking

The Importance of Rules

Rules, instructions and assignments are things that are given to me by my Dominant for very important reasons. To follow them should bring me the pride and happiness that I feel for him, and remind me that he cares for me. Rules are in place to keep me in line, place my heart and mind in the submissive mindset, and to make sure that I hold myself in his honor. Disrespect is greatly frowned upon. Instructions and assignments are meant to help me improve myself for him. I am to follow all of these so that I present myself as a loving, obedient and beautiful woman for him.

When I was given a set of rules from my Dominant, I was excited that he felt the need to give me things to do for him, to make me available for him always. The list involves a wide range of things in my life to improve upon and maintain. These things are to be done everyday, or at his specific request. Without these I do not have a purpose, my goal of pleasing him has no method. These rules are established not only for him to govern aspects of my life and behavior but also for me to express myself to him by following them. I bring him pride when I follow the rules he has set out.

I use these rules as an anchor for my life. I look at them daily, and plan out my day around accomplishing them. It gives me fulfillment to finish them in a certain time and to know that he has given them to me to fill my world with him. I think about him constantly as I follow through on them, wishing he were here to see me do them, but knowing that one day that will come. The rules are his love pouring out on me, giving me that strength and wisdom I need at every turn of the day to do what I need to do. I follow the rules to show that I love and serve him faithfully.

The rules are important because they are his instructions, his plan to help in my modification as his perfect submissive. Without these rules I would just be a woman without a goal. These rules are what make me who I am, and mold me into what he wants to see. These rules enhance my life and his; they lead on the right road and are there to hold me in his comfort while I do them. These rules are his love and guidance. They are central to my development and enhancement as his submissive. I need them to remind me of who I am.

Failing to achieve all the rules on a daily basis can happen for many reasons and some for no reason at all. They could happen for physical ailments, in which case, my Dominant would seek compassion I’m sure and allow a slide. The day could be filled with a lot of other activities and in that case, one should have permission to not fulfill certain tasks. The worst failing is just to forget. Forgetting is a breakdown in the commitment and trust between Master and submissive and should be avoided with all being. When forgetting takes place, punishment is the result, to again remind the submissive, who controls who, and that the Dominant holds love and pride in the submissive even through a failing. Completing the punishment should better the girl and help enforce the rules once again.

It is important to find ways not to fail on the rules established by my Dominant. Finding ways to avoid that have included making a daily checklist, not allowing enjoyable rest time until the list is accomplished, and staying up late, or getting up early to make sure time is not an issue. Other ways to avoid displeasing my Dominant have not been set up just yet.

Rules are set to be followed; there is no excuse that does not come with repercussions. If one does not believe that these rules are important the breakdown of the relationship will occur. Following the rules will give me the feeling of comfort and love. I will do them to the best of my ability, unless shown how to do them differently by my Dominant. My goal is to ultimately please my Dominant without having to think about the rules, get them ingrained in my mind, becoming second nature and finally my whole heart will only want to please and obey him.

photo credit by probondage2008

What Is Slave Training?

In this week’s video tip I talk about what training is to a submissive and the value it has to a D/s relationship.

When someone thinks of slave training, what is the first thing that pops into your mind? Is it a submissive on their knees going through the paces that their Dominant puts them? Is it Gorean-style positions and changes in speech?

What would you say if I told you that training is everything that you do for your Dominant when directed to do so in a certain manner? Take a basic request of making coffee or tea. If you are told the specific way your Dominant takes their coffee or tea and then proceed to do that every time it is requested you are being trained to make his or her coffee or tea. This is training.

The term training can also be used for the time period where you learn the protocol of a new environment. Much like your orientation period at a new job (which is likely also called training), you learn what is acceptable and expected of you during your work hours.

Training can come in all forms. Some Dominants go through steps to teach their submissive proper protocol within the home and the rules of the house. Other Dominants give their submissive rules that they have to learn and then use a punishment and reward system to instill them.

There is a really big hype about training when there doesn’t need to be. Every single behavior change or attitude change is part of your training. I bet that there are things that your Dominant would consider training that you don’t.  Are there actions or activities you do that are now a habit that wasn’t before? Can that be attributed to training?

The important thing to remember with slave training is that is it an agreed upon change or set of changes that the submissive undergoes to improve themselves for their Dominant or themselves. You do not have to be in a relationship to undergo training. You just have to have a desire to better yourself.

As a follow up to this post I wrote “Dominance as a Slave Training Tool to Better Submission.”

Also Available

Simply Service Newsletter May 2008

Inside this edition:

• Is Slavery Real? by Darren
• Productivity Tools
• Training Outside of the Box by Bootpig
• porkchops Rules of Bedding: Inside Info from a Retail Whore

Books That Might Interest You

Erotic Slavehood

Master Nage’s Guide to Training Consensual Slaves

Protocols: Handbook for the female slave