SubWise #5: A Year’s Reflection

Last week I asked you to talk about your reflections on the year and your progress with submission. Here are the submissions I received. There is some excellent advice here folks! Check it out. Make sure you leave comments!

(Participants, repost the link list within a week and you’re all set.)

Decorating Master’s Sofa

lunaKM

pet’s journey

The conversation isn’t over. If you would like to share your advice, please do so in the comments!

SubWise #5: A Year’s Reflection – Participation Request

Its time for SubWise! You know what to do by now. I’m going to give you a topic to write about and your task goes like this:

1. Write about the topic in your blog or online journal. You don’t have to have a blog to participate. If you have a FetLife account you can use your writing section. Other communities also have journal areas where you can post your response. Examples: MyDungeonSpace, LetMeServe, LifeKink… etc.
2. Send me an email letting me know where to find your post about the topic. I need the URL to the post, not the link to your home page of the blog.
3. Please repost the list of posts within one week of when they are published on this site.

I’m going to give you one week to write and submit your response. The topic carnival will be published on December 23rd so all submissions should be received by December 22nd at midnight CDT. Please feel free to let your  friends know about this carnival. The more people that participate the better!

Okay so the topic you will be writing about is:

Reflecting in the past year, how have you progressed in your submission? What challenges have you overcome and what others are you still working on?

One month into my first real time D/S relationship: A Training Review

This is a Guest Post by A. She is a new submissive in her first 24/7 dynamic. I received this wonderfully written review of her first 30 days and she offered to share it with everyone here. Enjoy!

It has come to my attention after reading submissiveguide.com that my training with Sir has already begun, though not outright labeled as such.  Indeed, every relationship I have ever had has begun in this way, learning the likes and dislikes of my partner and trying to accommodate, but with Him, I am more aware of this process, as it is more deliberate.  At the outset, on the day of our first meeting, he instructed me to wear a black dress, and sit in the park reading and await Him.  I am validated to read in Luna’s writing that my concern over my appearance, and also trying to be peaceful, not fidget and patient was already a positive in the direction of desired qualities in a submissive.  Since that day, we have grown together in many ways, and the ways in which I have learned to please Him are outlined below.  I plan to update this list periodically, to track the ways in which I deepen my submission, the ways in which my wants and needs evolve and dovetail with His.

Speech:

Sir:
Use of the word Sir was discussed online, before we had even initially met.  He indicated I could call Him whatever I wished, but desired Sir for intimate moments.  As we grew closer, it applied whenever He was asserting His dominance, be it out in public, online or on the phone and I show my acceptance and submission with the honorific response.

Thank you:
At various times I have been corrected for not thanking Him for the orgasm He allowed me to have.  I have begun to thank Him for blows He gives me in certain contexts, He has not commented either way on this, or corrected when I do not.

Wording:
When I removed His shoes, I asked if He would like to keep His socks or not.  This is something I am still trying to work on, my natural way of speaking is to ask “can I?”  but I am well aware “may I” is more appropriate.  Sir does not comment on this, but I feel it is more respectful, and I’m frustrated with myself at each error.

Enunciation:
Another flaw of mine is that in the course of being together, when I am excited, I often forget the appropriate response of “yes Sir, no Sir” and may make a moaning sort of affirmation or denial. His tone changes immediately as he demands the proper response and I know I run the risk of displeasing Him should I not enunciate properly.

Positions:

Spanking:
Sir is particular about positions and protocol.  When I am to be spanked, I am to kneel and bend over with my face flat, shoulders to the bed, and present myself.  He prefers my back to be straight, which is difficult for me, as my natural tendency is to reverse arch my back.  As I am punished, I am most often allowed to cry out, but not to move.  If I flinch, I am to return to the instructed position immediately without hesitation.  If I am to stand and be punished, I must brace myself stiff armed on a designated piece of furniture, slightly bent, head down.

Undressing:
I am just now beginning to learn how to undress for Sir. I feel a bit silly, but the lingerie I wear for Him helps. So far He has only specified me to remove my panties while facing away from Him, slightly bent over.  Beyond that He has only asked that I please Him with my removal of my clothes, and I try to be creative and pleasing in the process.

Waiting to Serve Sexually:
When Sir decides He wishes to use me I am ordered to get on the bed, on my back, legs spread open and knees up, so He can gaze at me exposed while He readies Himself to enter me.  Often I will casually hold this position, while writhing a bit, gazing at Him to allow Him to feel my passion and desire, and my hunger. Occasionally He will correct me and tell me to be still, but generally He enjoys my arousal and encourages me to exhibit these feelings.

From the Rear:
As one of Sir’s favorite ways to have me, positioning for rear entry is very important.  He prefers a similar position to that of spanking, with more of a reverse lean so as to better accommodate His thrusts.

Rituals and Behavior:

Morning Check In:
Each day when I get up, I am to write to Him, tell Him my plans for the day, and say hello. Sometimes He responds with additional commands, which may include meditating on a certain subject, writing, masturbation or explicit instructions to abstain from that. Other times He responds with a brief “good morning my sweet girl.” Other times He does not respond at all. The initial contact on my part is the focus, and allows me to show that in waking up to start my day, He is in my first thoughts.

Shoes:
My first actual training occurred when we reached my home our first day together.  Sir sat on my couch, and took one of the pillows, placing it at His feet, He instructed me to kneel and remove His shoes.  He informed me at that time that His women do not kneel on the floor, only on pillows, and so I learned my first lesson. Now, unless we are in a rush, I kneel at His feet and put on and remove His shoes.

Worship:
In removing or putting on of shoes, I always kiss the tops of His feet.  Once the shoes are off or on respectively, from my kneeling position I wrap my arms around His calves, and press my head down softly on His lap. He then bends at the waist, and embraces me and we hold that moment.  In this way, I show my devotion and love, and He shows His acceptance and reciprocation.

Sir also requires certain ways of being touched, especially after intercourse.  He prefers His chest to be stroked and will directly request it.

Massage:
Due to injury, regular massage is very beneficial to Him, so often I do massage His muscles for Him, both solicited and unsolicited.  As I do these things for Him, I try to focus on the feelings I have for Him, all I appreciate that He does for me, and allow that warmth and tenderness to radiate through my hands.  This is to me, one of the highest forms of worship and a deep communion between us.

Fetching:
I have the natural desire, when fetching something for Him, to kneel and present the item with both hands upon my return. Sir has expressed appreciation for this, and thus I adopt it.

Toys:
Sir introduces all toys and equipment by either presenting it to me or instructing me to fetch it for Him. He then presents it to my lips and I kiss it, typically a flogger, rope or a slapper, though a blindfold or other bondage instruments, hair brush, etc, are managed similarly.

When Sir is finished with the toy, or when I am cleaning up the room afterward, I am to take the toy to the closet where it is kept, and hang it very deliberately in its designated spot. I stop the swaying with my hands, then bend at the waist to kiss the item, as He watches.  He then closes the closet door.

Presentation:
Sir prefers that the condom box be displayed in my room, with one always set on top, ready and anticipating His need.

Orgasm Control:
Sir has decreed that I may not orgasm without His permission.  As I feel it build, I am to ask, and if He says no, resist it.  This has been my sole punishable infraction to date, as the way in which He was having me made it next to impossible to resist, and in complete honesty, I wanted to see what would happen.  Since that time though, with punishment looming over my head, I improved a great deal, and even redeemed myself, forgiven and excused from the punishment.  Sir has been pleased to the point where He has moved on to orgasm on command.

Orgasm on Command:
Sir employs both the counting method and basic instruction for orgasm on command training and only during sex, which makes it easier for me.  He wishes to lessen my response time however.  I myself would like to be trained by Sir to orgasm independent of sexual stimulation; i.e. a simple word can trigger that response but that is at His discretion.

Clothing:
Usually He does not request specific items of clothing to be worn, but generally I ask when planning to see Him, what He would like for me to wear. As we are still in the beginnings of our relationship, He is not 100% familiar with my wardrobe, but I do my best to accommodate His requests.

Personal Grooming:
Sir often does request specific hair styles of me, and I do my best to please Him in this way. Also, He prefers me to have pubic hair, which I have always removed. Growing out and getting used to this hair has been challenging for me, but His pleasure in knowing it is difficult but seeing that I obey nonetheless makes it a rewarding task.

A is a submissive from Boston MA.  She has experienced elements of BDSM in the past, but is now embarking on her first 24×7 collared relationship.  She happily shares her progress with others who may be inspired in a similar manner. You can find her on FetLife as northern_siren.

Photo by and of A.

Submissive and Slave: A Personal View

This post was written by Rayne. You can follow her twitter for active and interesting conversation.

I’m pretty big on book definitions. So for me, the word “submissive” has always been an adjective describing a personality trait. When I got involved in BDSM, it became, for me, a heading, of sorts, describing a group of people.

Under the heading of submissive, there are three main labels I – and others – use to describe the bottom half of the totem pole in BDSM relationships. Generally speaking, each label delineates a level of submission. How much control the person has given to their dominant. Because there is no set standard (How could there be?) of how much or how little submission one must give to be considered submissive, we instead give the different levels of submission names to aid in communication. A way of getting an idea of how much or how little control the submissive is willing to give up without having to get to know them.

In the grand scheme of things, one is not better than the other, except for the person in question. They’re just different.

Generally speaking, we call someone who is only submissive in the bedroom or at play parties and such a bottom. They are not interested in giving up total control. They enjoy being dominated sexually – or sometimes just being bound and hurt without involving sex at all – but really have no interest in being controlled on a regular basis. This group of submissive people leaves their submission at the door of their play space.

A lot of people start out here. Being the bottom of a scene is often a gateway. A place where people discover deeper, more submissive desires. I was a bottom before I was a sub and sub before slave. A lot of submissive people I know followed that progression. Not everyone, though.

People occasionally shorten “submissive” when specifically discussing this next group to avoid confusion. It’s a running joke, in the community, that a “sub” is a sandwich, and you’ll occasionally hear people talking about wanting roast beef and provolone on theirs. But since the first day M dragged me onto IRC, using “sub” has been my way of making it clear I am talking about this particular level of submission and not submissive people as a whole.

So what’s a sub? That’s where it gets tricky. Because the line between sub and slave is rather fine and blurs a lot. People often use “submissive” and “slave” interchangeably. But they are not the same thing.

A sub is someone who still retains some control, but is in service to someone else. They have the right to say no and walk away at any time. They have a safe word. They have limits. They’re not owned.

An article I read recently described it best when it said “A submissive is a volunteer. A slave is not.”

A slave is owned. That’s probably the only constant. Some slaves have safe words. Some do not. Some slaves have negotiated limits. Some do not. Some slaves have submissive personalities. Some are only submissive with the one who owns them. Some slaves have given up their right to leave, or consented to having it taken from them. Some retain the right to walk out the door whenever they choose.

Legally, we all have that right. Some of us just choose not to acknowledge it.

In my perfect world, a slave is someone without limits or safe words. A slave is someone who opens himself or herself completely to his or her owner. Complete transparency. Total power exchange. He or she doesn’t have a choice.

But in my reality, it’s illegal to own another human being. Some states don’t recognize consent. In the interest of keeping the owner out of prison, the submissive is allowed to negotiate the rules. Even I can’t or don’t always live up to my perfect world. So it doesn’t surprise me that others don’t, can’t or aren’t interested.

Some say the difference between a submissive and a slave has nothing whatever to do with how much control one gives up or how submissive one is. That it’s in one’s actions. In the way the slave obeys without question or hesitation. In the respect in the slave’s voice when he or she speaks with his or her owner. In the way the slave knows what the owner needs almost before the owner does. But I’ve known some submissives to show their dominants more respect than some slaves show their owners.

A submissive is someone who submits willingly, sometimes on a case by case basis, to the will of another. A slave is someone who is wholly controlled and owned by another. That’s really the sum of it.

Rayne is a loving slave with sadistic tendencies and masochistic desires. Chaos incarnate. The girl your mother warned you about.  She writes toy reviews and blogs about being a 24/7 medium protocol slave to her husband Melen at Insatiable Desire (http://www.insatiabledesire.com/), along with four other bloggers involved in the lifestyle.  She also guest write a series that is a basic look at M/s at Eden Cafe (http://www.edencafe.com/) with a number of other authors who write about various sex-positive subjects.

photo by BL1961

When Protocol Becomes Boring

Protocol. It can be a scary word if you are new to submission. In a relationship, it is likely that you will have some protocol established to control your behavior. So, what is protocol? Simply defined, protocol is the set of special rules that you follow for defined situations that remind you of your place in the relationship. Every relationship is different and will have a different level of protocol. One of my first protocol rules was to call my Dominant ‘Master’ when in private and lifestyle event situations. It was a simple change in my normal behavior and a reminder of my place in the relationship.

As the protocols developed I was so excited to finally be doing what I had dreamed about and read in so many BDSM fiction books. I was living with rules and protocol and my mindset thrived. I felt so good about my place in the relationship and the happiness that Master displayed at my success. The pleasure I felt wasn’t just sexual it was like a part of my soul was finally being satisfied.

It didn’t last. After a few months I started to feel less happy about my protocol. It felt less like bliss and more like a chore. I had lost the attachment to WHY the protocol was in place to begin with; the reminder of my place in the relationship. The honeymoon period was over. Things got really rocky in our relationship because the effort involved in doing the protocol got more and more difficult for me, and the stress he experienced was just as bad.

What happened?

I lost focus for why the rules and protocols existed in the first place. I stopped feeling my submission when I obeyed and began rebelling with what I had gotten so used to doing for joy. I started looking to those fiction stories I’ve read for some sort of answer to my loss in vision. Why couldn’t I make the fantasy my reality? I was very stuck with that thought.

So what did I do?

Talk about it: I first approached my Dominant and explained to him how I was feeling and expressed that I didn’t like what had happened to me and us. We have a very open communication stream and it didn’t come as a surprise to him that this conversation was occurring. We talked about how long I had been feeling off task and also some ideas of what I could do to get back on track. It wasn’t an easy conversation as the fault, which is hard for me to take, was all mine.

The fantasy was just that; fantasy. I had to find my own reality in the protocols. I had to seek the happiness I once had and hang on to it. I started reviewing my rules on a daily basis. I developed a meditation routine to do to keep my submission blossoming. I learned how to self-correct my behavior before it became noticeable.

Most importantly, I made it a priority to create my own reality; one that would work better than trying to live a fantasy. It’s a constant work in progress and I still have my bad and good days. I know it will get better. One day I will be living as I’ve dreamed and the peace that I strive for everyday will find me.

photo by lepiaf.geo

This Collar, That Collar, Your Collar, My Collar

A collar for submissives is one of the most fundamental symbols of their relationship and one that is usually gaurded and protected with their heart.  With all the essays online about collars I thought I’d jump in with my own take on what everyone says and believes about collars.

Play Collars

The first type of collar is the play collar. No matter what type of relationship you have now, at one point you had a leather collar with a D-ring or two that you wore during BDSM play. It’s quite common for anyone into BDSM to get one for all of the dark desires that get played out. Lifestyle submissives may have a collar worn during play also in addition to their permanent collar. 

Online Collars

An online collar may not be something you feel should be covered in the same post as ‘real’ collars, but no matter how you earn or wear your collar, they symbolism of the collar means the same thing. An online collar is usually denoted with brackets and your Dom’s initials next to your nickname. I’ve seen curly braces {Dom} for online-only and square braces [Dom] for real-time collars. Heck, I’ve even seen one of each to signify that there is real time play, but the relationship is mostly online. Creatively speaking it is interesting to see the number of collars online and to ask what it means to them to wear it. When I’m online I tend to wear one out of habit from my online days.

The issue most people have with online collars is their velcro like quality. It is not uncommon to see a submissive with a different collar everytime they are online. I don’t get offended by it really, but many others feel it cheapens the value of their own collars. Although they are allowed to express their feelings and they are valid I don’t believe another person has any bearing on your own collar. In the case of velcro collars, I like to think of them as play collars. You only wear it during play and if you are a casual player you could very well have one for each Dom you play with. It’s along the same premise. 

Symbolism

The collar is the most outward symbol that a submissive can wear that was given to them by their Dominant. It is usually the most important piece of jewelry worn on a daily basis. There are many different ways to think about your collar. Some consider it equal to an engagement ring or wedding band. The commitment that they feel in the relationship makes it that important. For others it is a strong symbol of commitment but not of the same calibre as a wedding ring. Further yet, there are people who feel their collar is just a symbol and nothing more. There is a wide spectrum of others who feel somewhere in the middle of it all. There is no one correct way to feel about your collar.

What might one look like?

A collar comes in as many physical forms as it does symbolisms. A collar can be a basic leather band, a piece of jewelry, specially made steel locking collars, tattoos, brands, piercing or other mark. There really is no rule for what one should look like as long as the people involved in the relationship agree with what it means to them.  

Would you like to share what your collar looks like? Send me a picture and I will include it in this post.

Levels of collars

I’ve read from Mistress Steele’s website about the different levels of collars. According to the website these are Collar of Consideration, Training Collar and Formal Collar. I personally don’t have any experience with the different levels. I was under consideration during our first few months together, but face it, so was he ;) I earned my collar after 18 months being together. It is a serious thing for us and one of the most special memories I have.

There is nothing wrong with desiring a graduated system of collars. It could be under the same idea of how Leathermen earn their leathers. It’s a progression and well worth it.

Just Wait Till Your Father Gets Home: Telling Your Family

This post is from Norische. She allows anyone to post her articles anywhere they will do some good. I could not come up with a better way to say what she does in this article. Please enjoy and comment! I’d love to hear if you have told your family and how it went.

“So what are you, some kind of Satanist, or what?” This was one of the first things my sister said when she walked into my house.

It had been almost a year since I had seen my sister, she doesn’t live that far away but she has alwaysbeen a little on the judgmental side and so she and I have never truly been that close. She stopped by my house not long ago, no phone call, no warning, she just popped in for a visit…thankfully she didn’t have her two young sons with her. I am very open about my choices and my lifestyle, however I have never breached the subject with either of my sisters.

When you walk into my parlor/office the first thing you see is a wall of “toys”. Floggers, whips, paddles, and canes of all types, along with a large grouping of miscellaneous torture devices and implements of all types which decorate one half of the room. Of course chains, suspension devices, harnesses, and stirrups also embellish the archway to my dinning room. A leather-covered horse sitting right smack dab in the middle of the office also seems rather conspicuous as you walk into the room.

Normally I am very proud of my lifestyle choices and have no problem talking to anyone about the interesting and useful items that decorate my home. However, when my sister walked into my house I was literally at a loss for words.

To help you understand a little better, let me describe my sister a little to you. My sister and I are 16 months apart in age, I am the youngest. She is married and has been for several years; she was 24 yrs old before she went out on her first date. The first man she ever kissed is also the only man she has ever kissed, her husband. She lived with my parents until she moved in with her husband and his parents. She now has two young sons, ages 9 and 5. The have a nice little house in a nice little neighborhood and she is the picture of the perfect wife and strict mother. She is very active in her church and is a model of the average clean cut, straight-laced woman in her community.

When my sister first walked into my home I thought about how she would react, and then I worried if she would be offended and finally I wondered if she would even understand my lifestyle and the items in my home. Well to make it simple not only did she not understand the things that she saw but she also was completely clueless about what the BDSM lifestyle is truly about. At first she blushed and avoided looking at the floggers and whips, I could tell that she was very uncomfortable. I began to talk to her as I do with anyone; hoping that my openness would show her that there is nothing wrong or “sick” about the way I live my life. I also tried to help her understand the difference between the facts and myths about BDSM.

Myth:

All BDSM involves pain, or inflicting pain.

Fact:

There are several different types of Domination, some do indeed involve pain but others do not, it is a matter of choice in a relationship as to the addition or degree of pain included.

Myth:

BDSM is nothing more than kinky sex play.

Fact:

Sex may or may not be involved in a BDSM relationship; again it is a choice between those involved.

Myth:

BDSM is against God, or somehow Satanic in nature.

Fact:

There are several religions that use pain as a means of showing devotion, for centuries priest have beat themselves with sticks, whips and canes to show their sincerity to God. In many churches pleasure is viewed as the pathway to Hell, hence it has been summarized that pain must be the pathway to Heaven. From the Sun Dance of the Native Americans to the Flagellants of the Philippines pain has been viewed as a means of getting closer to God, not as a sin.

Myth:

BDSM is abuse.

Fact:

It is understood within the BDSM lifestyle that all activities must be consensual, even slavery. Before an individual can be a slave they must agree to the requirements, rules, and behaviors that are expected, before he or she is accepted as a slave. Once an arrangement is made, they seemingly loose the ability to say no, but this is untrue. Depending on the negotiations and the original contract the slave may be given certain rights or may wave those rights…but the fact is that the choice is theirs to accept the arrangements or to refuse. Safe, Sane and CONSENTUAL.

Myth:

BDSM is not normal.

Fact:

“Normal” is defined in many ways. Most people define normal as what is considered socially acceptable by the majority of the populous. If this is an accurate description then no one can be considered normal. Are Jews normal or are Christians normal? Are heterosexuals normal or are homosexuals normal? Are Native Americans the normal ones or is it the African Americans that are normal? Is it normal to be rich or poor? Is it normal to be married or divorced or single? Are you normal if you have a college degree or if you don’t have a high school diploma? Personally being “normal” is way over rated…I prefer to be unique, an individual.

After I spent my afternoon explaining my lifestyle to my sister, she began to understand a little about my life. However even with all the information I gave her, the last thing she stated to me was “Well if this is what you want then, I guess it is ok. I just want to let you know that I will not be bringing my kids over again.” With that she left and since then our communication has been limited to polite conversation. She hasn’t brought up our conversation again nor has she come back to visit.

I have never truly feared speaking to my family about my lifestyle nor have I ever avoided the subject or lied about my life…however, I have always known the reaction that I would encounter.

From my daughter I have had open acceptance, she was raised to accept all those that make the universe unique and wonderful. As she grew up she was slowly, and I stress the word slowly, exposed to alternative lifestyles. When she was 19 yrs old I felt she could understand enough about my lifestyle choices that I decided to get a slave. At first she didn’t know how to handle it, after they talked for a while she understood better and they became friends, and remained so even after his release. When we moved from Arkansas to Missouri I waited a couple of years and then got a submissive male as well as a male slave; my daughter began to understand the difference between the two. She honestly had no patience for the submissive but loved having my slave around. I never exposed my daughter to the S & M side of things but she was not ignorant either. It didn’t honestly shock me much when I found out she had bought a pony whip, the only thing that I wanted to know was she giving or receiving…I never asked, some things a mother just doesn’t need to know.

From my mother I had a confused understanding, she accepted the need for control and obedience but she could not understand the involvement of pain. My mother was a traditional Native American, our tribe is matriarchal…the women are in charge. I was raised by a strong woman, amongst strong women, and therefore the desire for control comes quite natural. She may have only been 4 foot 11 inches tall but it always seemed the whole world trembled at her command.

From my father I have been shunned, after my mother’s death my father remarried and the individual he married is a racist and a bigot. Since then his wife has seen to it that we no longer speak, nor am I allowed to go to my mother’s home.

From one sister I have been given a polite acknowledgement, simply put she is ok with my choices as long as they do not affect her or her family. Being Christian does not necessarily make one close-minded but it definitely narrows the realm of acceptance. Even though my sister goes to a more progressive church, she is still limited as to her interpretation of acceptable behaviors, and lifestyles.

From my other sister, perhaps some day I shall breach the subject, but not yet.

Do not fear what your family with think, or say, or even do. The only thing you should fear is ignorance. If someone does not accept your lifestyle that is ok, they have the right to their own opinions. If someone avoids associating with you because of choices that you have made, this too is a choice, it is their choice.

A slave I had in the past was faced with a horrible dilemma, lie to his family or admit his lifestyle choices and face the consequences. He refused to lie and when asked he explained his role in my house to his family. They threatened to have him committed, to take away his car (which they had paid for), to pull his college scholarship (which they had set up when he was a small child) and disown him. Rather than shame his family he asked to be released, I have not seen him since.

Pretending to be someone you are not is almost as difficult as trying to hide who you really are. Be proud of yourself, your choices, and your way of life. You do not need anyone’s approval, acceptance or understanding…it is a welcome gift that your family and friends can give to you but it is not necessary nor should it be expected.

As with everything this is my opinion, take what you will and leave the rest. If you wish to contact me, my email address is Norisch1@mchsi.com. If you wish to see more of my work you may find a complete listing of all my writings at…. http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Norisches_Quill/ in the files section.

Carte Blanche – Repeating Misbehavior Patterns

Getting in trouble. We’ve all been there a time or two. It comes with learning and training new things as well as changing behaviors. Our Dominants generally don’t derive any pleasure out of punishing us and the guilt we put on ourselves can be more damaging than the misdeed in the first place. Allowing that the punishment has been handed out and the misdeed forgiven, why do we sometimes continue to fail with the same behavior and wind up right back in the hot seat? I’m going to talk about a submissive’s mindset when it comes to repeat patterns in behavior and why we just can’t keep our feet on the straight and narrow.

When I first starting learning what it was like to be my Master’s submissive, I found that there was a lot to know and that assuming one thing over knowing another generally got me in trouble a lot. I bucked against old habits and experience from past relationships. All of these things weren’t going to make my new life any easier. I kept getting in trouble for the same things over and over again. No matter how hard I worked to be good, and trust me I worked at it. The time between punishments did lengthen, but only slightly.

I was in the mindset of the carte blanche. In plain English, that’s the clean slate syndrome. After punishment, did I really learn my lesson? Probably not. I listened to the lecture, I felt the pain of the lash and then I was off to do whatever I was supposed to with a clean slate. Until the next time.

Learn From Your Mistakes

Learning from your mistakes is the first and most important task of a submissive when it comes to changing behavior patterns that are not welcome to your Dominant. For many submissives, this comes very easily. This is not the group of submissives this post is focused on. Those of us who require a lot of mental and/or physcial focus to change our behaviors will understand that falling back into our old ways is easy, no matter how badly we would want to be good and learn the new behavior.

Try to keep your new behaviors obvious to you. You may need to place note cards throughout your house, wear a reminder bracelet or have an audio reminder to help you change your behavior. Get support and advice from senior submissives to help you learn how to change your behavior.

Have Patience

You will not learn new behaviors overnight. To learn a new behavior you need to do it consistently for 3 weeks; but this, in its self, is not an easy task. We make it easier by practicing first. We need to do two things here. Firstly, we need to be able to easily perform the require actions. Secondly, we need to link that action to a cue. A cue can be anything from a command or a visual indication.

For example, imagine that you have a new behavior that you must kneel before getting into your Dominant’s bed at night. At first you will probably forget this habit and need to be reminded by your Dominant. It’s a normal part of learning. Then after a bit you may remember most of the time, but still have moments where you are startled back onto the floor because you suddenly remembered you didn’t kneel. Finally, you have established your new behavior and correction is no longer needed.

Punishment For Attention

Many novice submissives haven’t learned how to communicate their needs or wants completely yet, and find themselves breaking rules and getting into ’small trouble’ just to get attention they need or want. They can consider punishment just as a part of their relationship and not realize the importance of learning that the misbehavior is not welcome and punishment is not pleasurable.

Others will try to get punished by being unusually bratty when they really just want to play. It unfortunately shows a lack of self-control and submissive weakness. Normal bratty behavior can be cute and endearing if the Dominant likes that attitude. Being aggressively so is what I’m referring to here.

Punishment is not  goal, it is something to be avoided. Your bad behavior reflects poorly on yourself and your Dominant. It can undermind the progress you have made in your submission and can end your relationship. Living in carte blanche syndrome is like not taking enough serious work into becoming the best submissive you can be for your Dominant. It’s time to change your thinking.

Focus on the Positive

Submission is a journey that never ends. If you try to change, you can change. Through open communication and focused energy you can be the shining light in your Dominant’s eyes. Live for the praise and positive reinforcement. You’ve earned it.

Stop Fidgeting! [Day 12 - 2WBSP]

Just 2 days left in the Submissive Positions project here at Submissive Guide. If you need a review, please take a look at the primary post; it has links to all of the posts in the project.

Today I’d like to talk about the bane of many a submissive; fidgeting. Sitting still is really hard for me in many situations. Either nerves or discomfort will cause you to twitch and move when all you want to do is not move. So how do you learn how to cut down your fidgeting?

Meditation

That’s right. If you can quiet your mind you will be able to quiet your body. This is going to take more than a day to learn. I’d recommend trying it everyday until you can sit quietly for at least 15 minutes.

Activity

Sit comfortably with your spine straight. You may choose to sit in a chair or on the floor cross-legged as long as you can maintain the position for at least 15 mins. Do not lie down as this encourages drowsiness.

Now close your eyes and draw your attention to your breath. Notice how the breath enters your body through your nostrils and exits out of your mouth. Focus your attention on the places where your breath enters and exits. If thoughts or feelings surface  – and they will – simply return your focus back to your breathing. Count your breaths. Start with ten and work your way up. Then slowly open your eyes and become aware of your surroundings.

As you learn to do this for longer durations you will be able to use these tactics when you need to stand or sit still. Your body will be able to take a mediation moment and your fidgeting will cease.

I’m not saying this is easy; I don’t have it down pat either. But I’m learning and progressing and that’s the point. I’m better than I was a month ago and will continue to improve. You can too.

Next Steps

If bondage helps center you, try it during your meditation. It can help you focus on being silent and relaxing in your position.

Try to play some relaxing music while you hold your position. It’s best to choose music without words so that your focus remains on your breath and not the words of the songs. Practice holding your positions for up to 15 minutes.

Final step is to try your meditation and quieting movements with a lot of distraction. If you can, try to do your mediation at a play party or munch. It need not be obvious, just relax your body and sit silently for awhile.

Try to do your mediation in a position you have chosen from the previous posts. Start small and work your way up to 10 or 15 minutes. You will amaze yourself how the pain in your joints fades as your fidgeting fades.

Two Weeks to Better Submissive Positions

Rise From The Floor With Finesse [Day 4 - 2WBSP]

The next part of this two week series is about getting up from the floor. You’ve already learned about kneeling, standing at attention and lowering yourself with grace. Stick around, we have a lot to learn.

If you’ve ever watched Memoirs of a Geisha you have seen how graceful it  can be to rise from the floor, appealing and smooth to go from the floor to a standing position. We are going to try to do that today. When a Dominant asks you to get up from the floor,  it would be a compliment to him if you could do it with fluid grace. You might be expected to do it a certain way. My Master likes to see my ass as I get up, so I’ve altered the way I get up just for him. You may find your own pleasing way.

Try It

Okay, now get down on the floor. You can kneel as you’ve learned or just sit cross legged. Now try to get up without a lot of clumsiness. How did it look? Did you use your hands to help you up? Did you pivot to one side or the other? Perhaps you wobbled? If it was graceful then you’ve luckily aced it.

Learn It

So we might have work to do. Get down on your knees. It’s easier to start that way anyhow. There are two ways to go about this. One requires a lot of leg strength and the other is easier. Remember to keep grace and fluidity in mind.

The Easy

From the kneeling position, lift one leg up till you can place your foot down. Keep your hands in whatever position you had them in for kneeling. Now slowly and powerfully lift yourself up using the foot you have on the floor until you can place both feet on the floor. If you wobble, that’s okay; it will get better with practice. Go down to the floor using the method you learned yesterday. Keep trying until you are happy with the way it looks and feels.

The Hard

From the floor you have to get to kneeling first. If you are sitting cross legged you need to slide your legs to one side and using your opposite hand lift yourself up to kneeling; slowly and carefully. If you can do this, you can move to the easy steps to get yourself up off the floor.

How’d We Get Here?

Now that we can get up off the floor we have reached the end of the basic movements we need. You can kneel, stand attentively and both rise and lower yourself. You’ve made the progression well. Continue to practice these steps until you can do them without much thought or effort. If you’d like to review what we’ve learned so far, take a look below at the links in the series so far.

photo credit by David Boyle

Two Weeks to Better Submissive Positions

The Differences Between Bottom, Masochist, Submissive and Slave

As a point of personal opinion I’d like to define the differences between very basic terms so that there is no confusion as to who I am referring to when I mention either of these terms. I write this guide in my perspective and provide my mentorship and guidance with these terms clearly defined for me. I welcome varying viewpoints in the comments so please feel free to disagree civilly and provide your own view.

There are several other names that can be ‘classed’ for the submissive role in a relationship. The ones I’m covering here are the basics. I am well aware of toys, pets, sluts, servants and many many other names. Please do not feel that I am not leaving you out, but for the sake of clarity and simplicity I am covering only Bottom, Masochist, Submissive and Slave.

Bottom

A bottom is the lower role within a play session. Generally the person does not submit outside of the agreed upon time that both parties are enjoying the physical aspects of play. Bottoms have more control over what happens in the scene than other submissive types.

Masochist

A masochist is someone who likes to receive pain for pleasure. They can be the bottom in a scene but the reason I gave it a separate designation is that there are Dominant roles that are also masochist.

Submissive

A submissive is someone that submits in a relationship either part of full-time. This can involve only in the bedroom play all the way to live-in service. A submissive generally submits only to those they are in a D/s relationship with and are respectful of others outside of it. A submissive has roles and rules and structure to guide their interactions with their Dominant and with others. Most of the time they still hold a veto card called the safeword.

Slave

A slave is a separate form of submissive. They hold no limits other than what their Masters give them. They can not refuse service to their Dominant. The argument has been going on since the beginning of time about the real differences and so I’d like to set up right here what I believe so that you can understand where I am coming from when discussions happen on this site. A slave is on a deeper more intense level of service than any submissive could work up to. If someone says they were submissive and became a slave, it is because they were always a slave and are now finally identifying as that. Becoming a slave is re-identifying yourself, not just a progression but an intensification of submission.

Feel free to share your thoughts in the comments! What name to do you rest well under?

photo credit honeyjew

Thursday Question #1: A Look Back One Year

Every week there will be a submissive question posed to readers here at The Submissive Guide. Please feel free to answer it as candidly as you would like. If you would like to participate in the discussion leave a comment on this post, send me an email or post the response on your own blog!

Then come back tomorrow for a post pertaining to the question! I'll share my thoughts and opinions in answer to the question.

Looking back on 2008, where have you progressed and where have you fallen short? Are you making plans for goals the coming year? What was the best moment of 2008? The worst?

photo credit h.koppdelaney

Discovering Your Submissive Nature

Discovering your submissive nature isn’t always a sudden process. For many people it takes some soul searching to see that you may enjoy being a people-pleaser or that when someone asks you to do something you happily do it without a second thought. For others it takes some social reprogramming to allow your full nature to come out.

There are two identified forms of submission; natural and learned. Of these two it is more common to be a learned submissive. Natural submission is not just about always wanting to make someone happy, but the inner joy and peace that comes automatically without any training. For those submissives that have it naturally, serving a dominant becomes second nature quite easily.

Learned submission takes a lot more effort but is just as rewarding. It may begin with a small pang of happiness when you have done something that makes your dominant happy. As you continue to achieve that praise your mind begins to rewrite the social coding for serving. Once your behaviors have been changed by either training or self-taught behavior modification you can not tell a natural submissive apart from a learned submissive. The joy in serving is equal.

When Do You Learn

Learning you are submissive for most people is an acceptance of themselves. Societal behaviors have taught us from a young age that we should help ourselves first, and that helping others in a form of service is actually lower class. The natural progression for a person to realize they are submissive is that perhaps you have always enjoyed doing things for others without a return. The return was actually the feeling of fulfillment of your purpose. This likely didn’t have the term submissive attached to it until you were introduced to the lifestyle.

Since I am a learned submissive it actually took quite a while for me to see in myself that I had an inner peace when I helped others, or when I served my Owner. For many like me, it’s a slow learning process that only you can oversee. No one can make you submissive. It will be a struggle within yourself to break down barriers and relearn traits that you thought were not a part of you.

You can’t have anyone else tell you who you are. You have to take the time to discover it yourself. You can do that by reading more about submission, talking to elder, more experienced submissives or going through a self-training program like Miss Abernathy’s Concise Slave Training Manual, now in an Omnibus called Erotic Slavehood: A Miss Abernathy Omnibus. Once you discover your nature, you can develop it and cause it to flourish and grow.

Submissive Blossoming

Once you discover that you are submissive it is almost overwhelming what you can do with it. Being submissive is not limiting, but freeing. Now you can take your talents and help and serve others with it. Identifying your talents and strengths is just the first step. You then can study and improve yourself with items that focus your submission more so your partner will better benefit from your service.

Are you good at organization? Maybe cooking and baking makes you happy? What about personal safety or escort service? The activities you enjoy can now be a part of your service to a potential owner. Take a course to enhance your knowledge or buy some study manuals. Learning is never frowned upon in a submissive.

What about things you want to learn? Make a short list now of all the things you’d love to learn. Make a mark next to them if they would be considered a help to someone else. This could be massage, event planning, machinery, home repair, crafts, writing and beauty care to name a few. Anything can be a talent to bring to your service. The more services you know and hone to your best ability the more valuable you become to your Owner.

Bring Pride to Your Submission

Developing your personal pride in your submission provides a glow of happiness to your role, your heart and your relationship. Humbly allowing your joy in serving to radiate around you increases your personal worth and can cheer others. The passion for service is something rarely cultured enough to be of value in this materialistic, hurried world. Allow your fulfillment to drive you to do good for not only yourself, but others.

Your submissive nature is unique. No one submits in exactly the same way and it is impossible to really define submission in a general manner because of this. A habit of mine, and will continue though this site is that a submissive is one who serves, in any capacity desired. Slaves are also considered submissives with this definition. While it is discussed in many many places that slaves and submissives are separate, for the sake of discussion here I’d like to join the idea of service to both roles.

Allow you submissive nature to mold you and bring you happiness. It is the driving force in life.