What are Dress Protocols?

I had a question sent to me via YouTube asking me about for information about dress protocols. I can only tell you what I am familiar with, so be aware that there are many many other forms of dress protocols and just as many (if not more) reasons behind them. I’m going to assume that the person who asked me wants to understand rules and protocols, not just special occasions where protocol may be in place.

Let’s start out with a refresher of what a rule is in comparison with a protocol. A rule is something that often a spoken or written direction for behavior and generally applies all the time. A protocol, as I understand it, is a set of nonverbal rules for specific purposes and occasions. A dress protocol for a wedding is different than that for a funeral, right? No one has to tell you that you should dress a certain way; it’s an unspoken rule. In BDSM situations, it is possible to have the protocol of a group or function written out and agreed to before you can attend. This is a higher form of rules that apply to just that event or group.

Now, moving on to dress rules and protocols.

A dress protocol is established by a Dominant as the way a submissive is to present themselves for any specific situation. These can be basic grooming habits to very precise details to what to wear to dinner or bed. A lot of times these are the first rules established in a relationship. These can start out as directions for when and what to keep shaved, how to care for your hair, or if you can wear panties or not.

The first rule I had was that I was not allowed to cut my hair. My Dominant likes my hair a certain length and I could only get it trimmed with permission, but never cut more than a certain amount. My hairstylist has adjusted to the change and will ask me now how much I can cut off safely before my boyfriend gets upset. The one to follow directly after that was shaving rules.

Now each Dominant has preferences for clothing and grooming. These are very outward symbols of ownership when followed and adhered to. Dominants can use these protocols to build body image or cause humilation or embarrasment. It could very well just be a Dominant’s preference.

In the case of a party, for instance, there may be a protocol that you must attend in fetish wear and that in order to get in you have to dress a certain way. This is intentional; to keep nosey vanilla people out and to strengthen the sexual and sensual vibe in the party venue.  You may very well have clothing and grooming requirements for your private play too. If your Dominant requires you to have an enema and to paint your nails red, this is part of your play protocol. This can take on very different meanings for each couple.

Below is a short list of the dress rules and protocols that I can come up with. I welcome you to include your own in the comments.

• Shaving the genital area
• Maintaining a certain hairstyle
• Wearing or not wearing makeup
• Wearing undergarments
• Requirements for high heeled shoes
• Allowances to wear pants or dresses
• Having manicures and pedicures
• Only certain colors of clothing
• Accessiblity in clothing
• Wearing insertables
• Presenting in private completely nude
• When to wear the collar
• Allowances for jewelry
• etc…

What do you have for dress protocol? Do you wear a uniform of some sort? Share your rules in the comments!

photo by Alaskan Dude

Is It Submission If You Like What You’re Doing?

I love surfing the submissive blogs to see what other people are talking about. Many times it gives me something to talk about here on this site. This post is one such example. Over on Underhishand.com, kaya asked about submission and what qualifies it as submission. She asked if you are not expected to do things that you don’t like, can it be submission? Can activities that you would do normally become submission just by someone telling you to do them, or being directed to perform them?

It’s an interesting question and one that has me really thinking about what I consider submission, whether I would be considered a submissive for what I do and how would my life be if it fell into kaya’s philosophy. How would you decide what is considered submitting and what doesn’t?

In my opinion, anything that a Dominant asks the submissive to do is considered submission to them when performed. This can be as basic as making coffee in the morning to being forced to lick his shoes even though you have expressed a distaste for that.  Whether or not you would do them without direction doesn’t matter. It is still submission because the Dominant has expressed that x, y and z would make them happy.

For kaya, only things that are considered submission are things you have to be challenged, pushed and  forced to do. Essentially doing things that the only joy would be in knowing that your Dominant is happy that you did them.

If everything you’re doing is stuff that you would do on your own anyway, and the only difference now is that someone is telling you to do what you were already doing, and you’re never challenged or pushed or expected to, you know, actually submit to something or someone…. I have trouble seeing the submission. –kaya

Let’s use a basic example and apply it to kaya’s question in different situations. The activity I will use for this discussion is washing dishes. Let’s say that on a normal day a submissive not in a relationship does the dishes once a day before bed. It’s a habit that they have developed and maintained.

Entering into a relationship, this same submissive is told that they have to do the dishes once a day. Since they already have this habit in place, can this be submission? Yes it is because the Dominant has now expressed a desire for the submissive to maintain the habit they already have in place. You are submitting to the Dominant’s wishes to continue a desirable habit.

Now consider if the Dominant asked the submissive to wash the dishes within a half hour after dinner is complete. The dishes being washed is still only once a day but it means changing the habit to obey the Dominant and do them earlier. Is this now submission? In this instance I would also say that yes, it is submission. This is an example of behavior modification and once the submissive moves their habit to washing the dishes at the right time, the daily dish washing would still continue to be a routine that would likely continue with or without the Dominant. It would please the Dominant to have the submissive change their habit to suit their preferences.

Next the Dominant sets up a specific washing routine that the submissive needs to follow. This routine specifies what the submissive should wear to do dishes, what order to wash them in and perhaps even how they are to be placed in the drying rack. All of the items in this routine are different from what the submissive has been doing in their habit of washing the dishes once a day. Is this now submission? Yes. It’s a new routine that the submissive must follow and obey, and to please the Dominant, the new order must be upheld. Even if this would then become habit, the submissive performs for the Dominant’s pleasure.

What if another submissive enters the relationship and is asked to do the dishes on a daily basis. This submissive hates doing the dishes and yet is expected to fulfill the Dominant’s desire. Is this submissive MORE submissive than the other just based on the fact that they are being made to do something that they don’t normally enjoy or want to do? No. They are still submissive as long as they carry out the request.

What I’m trying to get at here, is that submission is based on what is agreed upon in the relationship. It can include things that you are happy doing and that make you feel good when you do them. There may also be things that challenge you, or push you to some limit and you have to perform them just as well. Putting limits on what is submissive and what isn’t is a lot like competition with others, that I’ve already expressed an opinion on.

It is an individual idea of what is submissive behavior and what isn’t. The importance is not to express it out loud to the person if you disagree with how they do things or if you define what they are doing as NOT submissive. Everyone has a right to live their life however they want, and if they submit by doing only things that they love and adore (and the Dominant agrees to this) then who’s to say that they aren’t submissive?

photo by three7zero

Service With Grace

If you’ve been following Submissive Guide on twitter for any length of time you will notice an interesting blog that I have updates sent to twitter. This blog is one of distinction because it is written to aid the domestic and service oriented submissive with tasks around the house and within themselves. The blog I’m talking about is Service Savoir Faire.

Service Savoir Faire is written by namaste a service slave from Texas with a real ability to  express herself. The blog has some wonderful regular features that I’d like to highlight.

Service Book of Days

Every Monday, namaste posts the same 15 questions with personal answers and encourages others to do the same on their blog. It’s a beautiful way to focus your submissive energy and organize your thoughts on what should be done and where your mind is at. I have yet to do this task on my own for my personal blog, but I do intend to get going on it real soon. What a simple way to focus!

Friday Finds

Most Fridays, she shares with us things that might be useful for our service from all over the internet. There have been some spectacular websites recently that have helped me out with organization and cleaning and creative energy.

Menus for the Seasons

There is a numerous amount of menus with recipes for the current season. I’m sure she will be starting on the Fall menus soon and I’m looking forward to some delicious new meals to plan into my cooking repertoire.  Summer menus were full of fresh, healthy and light cooking that would bring the joy of summer into any home.

Butler’s Book Series

I’ve always wanted to know what a butler’s book is, and while I was under the assumption that it was a list of guests with their preferences documented so that whenever they showed up you could provide them their favorites and surprise them. In fact it is that and more. It’s a household manual where you document and keep all the home care processes together in one place. You can read all about the Butler’s Book series HERE.

Today’s Mantra

On the sidebar, namaste updates a quote or saying and then her reflection on it in Today’s Mantra. I find it a beautiful testament to her abilities and dedication to service. I’m sure you will enjoy it as well.

I encourage you all to visit and bookmark the site for reading, making sure you visit often. It’s a pearl of a find and one that shouldn’t be left in the deep expanse of the internet. She also runs a Yahoo group on service, which you can find at Service Excellence.

The Challenges of Being Kajira in Today’s Society

Today’s guest post is by dina from Kajiradreams. You can also read her post on what it’s like to be an owned kajira and a kajira’s strengths and misconceptions.

How to Give Good Initial Interviews

When you first start talking to a potential Dominant you go through an initial interview. A lot of times this is just a period where basic questions are asked and your answers help the Dominant gauge just how interested you are in them, how compatible you are with them and what your intelligence level is. This isn’t the right time to say that you will do whatever they ask of you or to try to insinuate that you will worship them whenever they wish. Like a job interview you want to highlight your own talents and history.

A Dominant friend of mine once said that a pet peeve of hers was when she asked a submissive what they enjoy she gets, “Whatever mistress wants,” type of answers. Short one word answers are not appropriate either unless they are a yes or no question. She calles the submissives as ’subs without preferences.’  Initial interviews can be frustrating, but not just for the submissive. The Dominant has to wade through canned responses, one word answers and submissives who appear to have no preferences, no likes or dislikes of their own and no personality. Dominants don’t want a blow up doll, they want a human being. 

Show them who you are. Discuss your likes and dislikes. Tell them honestly what you like and don’t like, what your experience level is and even who you voted for in the last election. All of these things exhibit your intelligence and eagerness to get to know a Dominant before becoming their submissive. Discuss your limits, even if they seem commonplace. Be open about your inexperience or your lack of understanding about some things. Dominants are going to want to explain things to you if you become important to them. 

Be prepared to answer basic questions. Answer them fully and completely. Tell stories if it will enhance the point. Be yourself. There is no need to try to be the perfect submissive. No Dominant is going to assume you are perfect and none are. Each person has their own perferences. But you may be close to what they are looking for.

Use in-depth questions as a way to figure out what you want from the possible relationship also. Don’t give them the answers you think they are looking for. Keep those out of the conversation. I know Dominants will stop talking to submissives if they default to generic responses.

Don’t call them Sir or Ma’am or any other title within the first interview. Many of the Dominants I talk to want to get to know you first before assuming any sort of role to  you. Keep it civil, respectable and truthful. 

Use proper grammar and spell check your writing before sending it to them. (This of course isn’t the case with spoken or face-to-face interviews.) Show you aren’t lazy and are aware of proper writing rules. Leave third person speech and lower casing i/my out of the initial interview. It’s annoying to Dominants if they do not know you.

Lastly, dress nicely. Don’t let them tell you what to wear. You aren’t submitting to them, just interviewing.

This initial interview can be your best resume and perhaps you will earn a second interview. That is the goal after all, right?

Develop Your Submission with a Training Resume

Using the posts and resources here at Submissive Guide you have tools necessary to start creating your Training Resume; a folder of all your past, present and future training as well as skills and preferences. It’s very helpful to know where you are lacking experience or developing your skills.

Here’s a list of posts already on Submissive Guide geared directly to the creation of a Training Resume. And don’t forget to check out the Training Resume Category for more posts that could help you develop a resume.

Building your Training Resume

1. Beginning Your Training Resume
2. Recording Your Training History
3. Recording Your Completed Training
4. Mapping Out Your Ideal Submission
5. The BDSM Checklist that will Really Help You
6. Add Your Reading List
7. Add Cons, Classes and Events

After going over these posts, what else would you like to add to your Training Resume? Are there topics that I need to write about to help you? This is your chance to help me out with the Guide. Let me know what you’d like me to write about. Ask your questions, please.

Two Weeks to Better Submissive Positions

Submissive Positions are talked about all over like everyone is supposed to be doing them or something. Not every relationship is set up to provide that level of protocol and you should never expect a relationship to automatically have that. If you are interested in positions, ask your partner or perspective partner if they’d be interested before you go learning any. They may have preferences to how you should look and act. Following them is by far more important than learning about positions online (unless that is their direction).

But since so many of you ask me on a regular basis about positions you could be learning I came up with two weeks of posts on the subject of different positions, how to develop your own positions and what other resources are out there as far a positions are concerned. Please understand I will not be teaching the Gorean positions that everyone sees described, but positions that average people can develop amongst themselves to do and alter and enhance for themselves. Please take these suggested positions as guidelines only and try to customize them. They should be unique and beautiful to you and your partner.

Coming up tomorrow is Kneeling.

If you have not subscribed to this blog so that you can get notices of new content, why not do it now! You can get updates from any method listed at the top right of this post.

Two Weeks to Better Submissive Positions

Help! My Dom is smaller than me!

You’ve met the perfect person; they are strict and charming, their dominance is a perfect compliment to your submission. There is just one hang-up. They are shorter than you, or they could be smaller in stature than you. Could there be an issue with your ability to submit to someone that can’t overpower you physically or that you can’t gaze into their eyes from below?

There is a reason why it can be a problem with some people to submit someone that doesn’t fit their mental image of a dominant. It has to do with perception. You can’t assume that just because someone is shorter than you are that they can’t bring you to your knee with a word. Someone’s physical presence is not where their dominance lies. Look within and see that the dominance is who they are and they can wield power from wherever they are, not just from above.

The media has given us a stigma of the muscular, powerful dominant or the tall, busty female dominant. The vision may help fuel your dreams and fantasies but the general population does not look like our dreams. We need to step out of that 2-d environment of screen and pictures and take in reality.

Give someone a chance to show you who they are. Being open to someone that isn’t your perfect vision of dominance could lead you to your perfect partner. People come in all shapes an sizes. We all have preference for body types, and each of us has different bodies. Our submission or dominance is who we are, not what we look like. When you meet someone that is just perfect in personality, their size shouldn’t mean anything.

Even if you have accepted someone into your life that is smaller than you are, you could still have occasional issues with power exchange. In the heat of a moment you could forget that they still control you and try to force them to do your will or refuse to do theirs. They may then reassert their power over you in a corrective way.

So how do you break down your own perception barrier?

1. Analyze your reasoning behind why you find shorter people less dominant and change it.
2. Figure out why being taller makes you feel less submissive.
3. Talk to the dominant as equals and get to know them.

Do you have any ideas to share? Are you in a relationship where your Dominant is smaller than you are? Is it difficult to obey them? Why or why not?

Your Bathing Regime

You may have been bathing yourself since you were 5 or 6, but if you haven’t changed your bathing routine since then, you may want to consider growing up and learning an adult way to bathe. Each person may have cleaning preferences and this is to be just a guideline and recommendation for bathing and grooming. Preparing your body for your dominant partner is a basic requirement that will amaze and delight them, besides a clean body makes you feel good too.

How frequently you bathe is as important as what you do in the bathroom to groom yourself. If you are like me, I bathe more in the summer than the winter, but you should be able to bathe at least once every day. Your body sweats, sloughs off skin and develops body oils that we can’t see. We should wash them off and reset our pheromones. Any area the generates waste needs to be cleaned at least daily. If you have sex you should bathe afterward. It’s amazing how many people don’t bathe everyday. If you don’t live in a 3rd world country then you should have no problem bathing every single day. Water is easily accessible.

Supplies

Having the right soaps and cleaning supplies will also make your bathing experience enjoyable and you’ll leave feeling clean, refreshed and hydrated.

Soap:

Most low quality soaps will strip your natural oils from your skin and you will end up with dry skin. Select a higher quality moisturizing soap in a scent that won’t conflict with any perfumes or other scents you may wear.

Shampoo and Conditioner:

Hydration and damage repair are good for highly stylized hair. Find one that is meant for your hair type, don’t go cheap when it comes to hair care, or it will show in dull, damaged or dry, brittle hair.

Moisturizer:

Finding a body lotion can be very important. Use one with a light scent that won’t conflict with your perfume or other scents you may wear. Apply it after your bath to lock in moisture and keep you glowing all day.

Facial cleansers:

These are a personal decision. I’ve been blessed with pretty blemish-free skin, so I choose not to cleanse my face daily, but every other day it gets a cleaning so that the oils that have collected don’t start to shine. I do remove my make-up every night, however.

Preparation

Take the time you need to clean yourself correctly. Do not rush through your bathing routine. Remember that you are caring for your owner’s property, or your future owner’s property. How would you like it to be treated? Start now. Make sure you have the time to do it right and don’t skip a step. Make sure you bathe in the hottest water you can stand to open up your pores.

Completion

A clean body is a healthy body. Remember that you are learning to not only care for yourself in the most basic manner, but you will be able to later extend that experience to bathing others, if you are so required to. Enjoy your fresh, clean and healthy skin. You will begin to notice a difference and so will the others around you.