The Wife vs The Slave

This is a guest post by Jim’s {Beth}.

Alternative lifestyles make some people nervous. Others believe that anyone who lives such a lifestyle must be sick, crazy, unbalanced, twisted, perverted, or even masochistic. Living a lifestyle choice such as Dominance/submission (D/s), Master/slave (M/s)—both can be considered as All or Total Power Exchange relationships (APE/TPE)— is not that different from marriage, yet society looks at them very differently. D/s or M/s are perversions. Marriage is a sacred institution. I am reminded of a quote from Larry Townsend: “ Perversion, like beauty, is in the eye of the beholder.”

Everyone knows the ‘rules’ of Marriage. A M/s relationship is similar though the ‘rules’ are much stricter. When a slave meets the man she feels is her Master, she submits to him. She submits completely, she has no will of her own. She lives at her Master’s whim. Everything she does, from the basics of eating and sleeping to schooling, work or a career is at his discretion. A slave lives for one thing, to please her Master, which is her first priority. All other needs come secondary to that.

There are fundamental differences between a wife and a slave. As a wife, a woman enjoys certain rights. Some of those rights are her ability to make decisions without obligatory concern of what her husband might think or feel. She does not necessarily worry about how her decision might reflect upon his desires or the effect her actions may have upon the relationship. Slaves only make decisions when permitted. However, the difference is the slave always thinks of the repercussions of any decision. Wives on the other hand do not have to think ahead to what the repercussions may be; they just deal with it when or if it occurs.

Many M/s relationships mirror the marriages of the eras before 1960, and those that are often the strongest in today’s society are the ‘throw-backs’ to that way of life. In those marriages, the wife did and does think first, about what the consequences will be. Even the Bible states a wife should be subservient to her husband, that her husband is “Her Lord and Master”. If the roles in today’s relationships were as clearly defined as they were in marriages before the sexual revolution of the 60’s and the value systems in M/s relationships that carry through to today, there could possibly be less divorce in this country. Marriages would have a strong foundation and value structure ensuring, commitment, trust and longevity.

A slave always thinks first about what the consequences of her actions will be. A slave is her Masters property, with that submits to him, and surrenders to her Masters will and rule, absolute and unconditional. Everything she says or does is a reflection upon him. The slave has no rights. The Master has the rule and responsibility. A slave’s only purpose is to serve and please her Master. The Master may do with his slave and property as he wishes.

In today’s atmosphere, having an overtly submissive wife is not considered ‘politically correct’. It is thought of by many as abuse to encourage submission in a partner. However, in many societies outside of this country, it is still very much the ‘norm’ to have such a marriage. In this country, before the 60′s and 70′s, wives behaved much as a slave does in our world today. The husband was ‘King of the castle’, and to flout that authority was so looked down upon, that the community as a whole tended to promote submission in women. I mean that women tended to help each other learn to submit, teaching to new wives what their ‘duties’ were during the day as their husbands worked. Many wives learned at the feet of their mothers, aunts, and grandmothers what submitting to the head of the house meant, and accepted that as how things ‘should be’.

After the sexual revolution of the 60′s and 70′s, wives came to believe that to behave that way somehow made them ‘less’ in the eyes of society and changed the way they acted.

So, what happened? Society, through advertising, literature, and the rise of the woman’s movement, seemed to tell women that it was wrong to

be submissive, or that to be submissive was weak. That it is somehow abusive to give over that authority willingly, that they should fight to be in control.

The slave, like the wife, enters into the relationship consensually, but cannot leave it as easily as a wife can leave should abuse occur. Abuse happens more and more often in marriages today, still society looks at it differently. Most consider anyone living a M/s lifestyle a victim, or an abuser. Abuse can occur in M/s relationships, as with anywhere, there are people who take advantage of others they see as weak. Many slaves can tell horror stories of meeting numerous predators before being able to establish an acceptable healthy M/s relationship.

The slave must choose her Master wisely. She must inspect the man and his traits and Mores and or value system in depth. Then she will contemplate if she can indeed give her total submission and unconditional surrender to this Man, and serve him to the best of her ability within the perimeters set by the Master. It is the Master’s character, and value system that are most important, not the detailed service requirements, as they might change at the Masters will, at any time. Very few wives have such strict perimeters in their relationship with their husbands and do not have to contemplate these issues in such detail before marriage if at all. Could this perhaps be another reason domestic abuse is so prevalent in marriages, and divorce rates are so high?

The only recourse that a slave has once she has committed herself to her Master as his slave and property is to ask or beg her Master for release.

“There are, of course, exceptions to the rule. If a Master continually does “harm” to his slaves in a way, such as with substance abuse, or mental illness, this might indeed constitute “abuse”, even within a M/s relationship. The emphasis here must lie on the Master’s intention, or “non intention” for that matter. The slave can and should of course leave should abuse occur.”

Slavery in today’s society is consensual, and slaves living in established M/s relationships are rarely abused. They choose carefully. Perhaps wives today should take a few lessons from their sisters in bondage, rather than look down upon them. Long ago, they were the same. Many wives today seem to have forgotten that.

(Quotes from Slavery by slave David)

Beth met her Master online over 8 years ago, and after moving across the country to live with him in 2003 has worn his collar ever since. Her Master requires living a D/s relationship with the focus on personal development and service. She sees her submission to him as a continual journey of growth and adaptation to his needs. Email any comments to her at: hadespeka@jprdesign.com

Image by yeowatzup

The Newness of It: Understanding a Relationship

This is a response to the following request for advice:

I have a Dom, and He loves me. But the things is, sometimes he act as my “boyfriend” then he acts as my Master. I am having trouble dealing with the fact that he wants that Master and sub relationship as my utmost and foremost priority in terms of my relationship status. I’ve always thought of the relationship being a normal one but more “kinky” I guess. I really want him to be both, but i don’t know how to deal with it.

He also wants me to trust him blindly, without asking any questions and just doing whatever he says, I want to do that too. And I understand that trust is the most important thing in this kind of relationship. I just really want to be the best for him.

Also, I know that Doms have “criteria” that they follow, and we’re both new in this field. I always feel that he’s changing me, and gradually, the people that I see everyday are also noticing the difference, and their comments are not good.

I am really at a loss of what I want to do. Please help?

Being a novice and having a novice Dominant is a challenge. You are both learning not only from each other but of yourselves. I always recommend talking to the other partner in the relationship as your first course of understanding any challenges you both have.

You say he’s acting like a boyfriend sometimes and a Master the other times but  you are struggling with accepting him as both. Even when he is in ‘boyfriend’ mode he is still your Master. You can have both, it really is possible that you have a different definition of what a Master is to you. Within this lies your problem. If he doesn’t fit one mold or the other then you need to identify why you have to have him act a certain way. Why is being a boyfriend that much different than being a Master? Perhaps he wants more of the power exchange than you are willing to submit to? You have to have a serious talk about this before things get to a point where both of you are unhappy.

Blind faith comes from total submission and trust. I don’t like novices going into a situation blind, but I myself have had to learn to not question my Dominant’s requests. He does have my best interests at heart. It’s not an easy process and I still question my Dominant occasionally. The deeper you get in your relationship the less you may question what he asks of you.

Dominant’s don’t have criteria; that’s a myth. Each and every Dominant is different and expects different things from their submissives. How they go about changing their property is also different. What is it about your changes in behavior that the people around you don’t like? Is it something that they find to be different but not alarming or is there possible harm there? Are these changes making you feel good about yourself and improving your submission?

Overall you have a lot to think about and you should sit down with him in a moment where roles are set aside and talk about your concerns and thoughts. Growing together requires communication. I wish you the best of luck.

Anyone else have advice for this submissive?

Many Different Relationship Types

from Submissive Guide Newsletter 10-10-09

Relationships of any type are unique and special to those involved in them. But how many types of relationships are there? The answer is related to how many people their are. As each person enters into a relationship their expectations are different and varied. This forms the unique mesh that is a relationship.

We can however, put every relationship into 5 different relationship types. I’m sure there are more, but for the purpose of this essay, I will be covering the 5 types that I can see in this life. This is not the only way to look at and describe relationships, but it is a good beginning. I am not a relationship expert and what I am writing about is my own observations. If you feel that another definition fits your idea of each relationship type, then by all means, please use your own.

Why do we need to put ourself into boxes anyway? Honestly, we don’t. So many people find it helpful in figuring out their own existence that we define ourselves to great depths to help us feel normal and accepted… even if it’s just to please ourselves.

The relationship types that I’m going to talk about here are:

1. As equals
2. Male-led vanilla
3. Female-led vanilla
4. Dominant/submissive
5. Master/slave

Hopefully you will see the differences that I see in each of them as I describe them. If you have any other ideas of each type, please feel free to make note of that in the questions below.

AS EQUALS

Most of the relationships that exist today are considered equal relationships. This means that each person has an equal decision-making right. Essentially this means that the couple take turns being the lead. It can be during bill paying or sex or any other housemaking roles. One leads and the other follows, but it’s seamless really. Both parties feel that they are giving and receiving equally and that is how communication and honesty develop.

MALE-LED VANILLA

Unlike their Dominant counterparts, a male-led vanilla relationship does not have defined roles. Instead it carries an unspoken protocol much like a 50′s style housewife and husband. The woman is subservient (not necessarily submissive) to her husband in all things. It is however a delicate balance between being in a male-led relationship and one seen as oppressive and abusive on today’s modern society.

FEMALE-LED VANILLA

In a female-led relationship the female is considered the leader. In ‘progressive feminist’ society, this is seen as a welcome sight to the previous male-dominanted world. Society sees a female-led relationship as empowering to both parties and a move forward. It’s established that the female makes the decisions in the relationship. It could even take on a reverse 50′s household-like feel.

DOMINANT/SUBMISSIVE

A Dominant/submissive relationship is one of defined roles where one is always the Dominant and the other is always the submissive in the relationship. One difference of this type of relationship and the vanilla counterparts is that there usually is an erotic counterpart to the roles; one that helps spice up the relationship. This type of relationship may or may not participate in BDSM or Domestic Discipline. The other noted difference is that there is never a relaxation of roles, where one party or the other may switch which is more likely to happen in vanilla relationships.

MASTER/SLAVE

Considered a form of Total Power Exchange, a Master/slave relationship is one where a slave completely surrenders to the will of the Master. Different from the Dominant/submissive relationship by the stigma of consensual slavery and it’s stronger service base. A Master/slave relationship is not unlike a Dominant/submissive one on many levels. A slave may not have right to voice opinions or provide input of any kind in decision-making. A slave may also be commanded to do things that submissives can negotiate. It’s all about flexibility of roles. Master and slave roles are the most rigid, in my opinion.

BENEFITS OF DEFINED ROLES

The greatest benefit that relationships with defined roles have is that no one is left wondering who’s turn it is to lead. Granted, I rarely have heard of a fight directly related to roles, but I have heard them about a purchase that wasn’t agreed upon, a decision that was made without the other’s input and even choices when it comes to children. In a defined roles relationship it’s a lot easier to know who decides what and how the outcome will play out. No one is left questioning if this bill got paid or when a new skidoo ends up in the driveway.

Another benefit to defined roles is that it can help enhance a relationship because the parties would work in a smoother fashion. Each knows what is required of them and performs their duties for the betterment and enahancement of the relationship.

CONCLUSION

Whatever type of relationship you choose, you can be sure that there will be personal growth and development that can bring your relationship to the ultimate one for you. NO relationship is worth it’s salt without work from both parties, so get your gloves on and prepare to get dirty. Just make sure you know who makes those decisions.

Thoughts to Ponder

Submissive and Slave: A Personal View

This post was written by Rayne. You can follow her twitter for active and interesting conversation.

I’m pretty big on book definitions. So for me, the word “submissive” has always been an adjective describing a personality trait. When I got involved in BDSM, it became, for me, a heading, of sorts, describing a group of people.

Under the heading of submissive, there are three main labels I – and others – use to describe the bottom half of the totem pole in BDSM relationships. Generally speaking, each label delineates a level of submission. How much control the person has given to their dominant. Because there is no set standard (How could there be?) of how much or how little submission one must give to be considered submissive, we instead give the different levels of submission names to aid in communication. A way of getting an idea of how much or how little control the submissive is willing to give up without having to get to know them.

In the grand scheme of things, one is not better than the other, except for the person in question. They’re just different.

Generally speaking, we call someone who is only submissive in the bedroom or at play parties and such a bottom. They are not interested in giving up total control. They enjoy being dominated sexually – or sometimes just being bound and hurt without involving sex at all – but really have no interest in being controlled on a regular basis. This group of submissive people leaves their submission at the door of their play space.

A lot of people start out here. Being the bottom of a scene is often a gateway. A place where people discover deeper, more submissive desires. I was a bottom before I was a sub and sub before slave. A lot of submissive people I know followed that progression. Not everyone, though.

People occasionally shorten “submissive” when specifically discussing this next group to avoid confusion. It’s a running joke, in the community, that a “sub” is a sandwich, and you’ll occasionally hear people talking about wanting roast beef and provolone on theirs. But since the first day M dragged me onto IRC, using “sub” has been my way of making it clear I am talking about this particular level of submission and not submissive people as a whole.

So what’s a sub? That’s where it gets tricky. Because the line between sub and slave is rather fine and blurs a lot. People often use “submissive” and “slave” interchangeably. But they are not the same thing.

A sub is someone who still retains some control, but is in service to someone else. They have the right to say no and walk away at any time. They have a safe word. They have limits. They’re not owned.

An article I read recently described it best when it said “A submissive is a volunteer. A slave is not.”

A slave is owned. That’s probably the only constant. Some slaves have safe words. Some do not. Some slaves have negotiated limits. Some do not. Some slaves have submissive personalities. Some are only submissive with the one who owns them. Some slaves have given up their right to leave, or consented to having it taken from them. Some retain the right to walk out the door whenever they choose.

Legally, we all have that right. Some of us just choose not to acknowledge it.

In my perfect world, a slave is someone without limits or safe words. A slave is someone who opens himself or herself completely to his or her owner. Complete transparency. Total power exchange. He or she doesn’t have a choice.

But in my reality, it’s illegal to own another human being. Some states don’t recognize consent. In the interest of keeping the owner out of prison, the submissive is allowed to negotiate the rules. Even I can’t or don’t always live up to my perfect world. So it doesn’t surprise me that others don’t, can’t or aren’t interested.

Some say the difference between a submissive and a slave has nothing whatever to do with how much control one gives up or how submissive one is. That it’s in one’s actions. In the way the slave obeys without question or hesitation. In the respect in the slave’s voice when he or she speaks with his or her owner. In the way the slave knows what the owner needs almost before the owner does. But I’ve known some submissives to show their dominants more respect than some slaves show their owners.

A submissive is someone who submits willingly, sometimes on a case by case basis, to the will of another. A slave is someone who is wholly controlled and owned by another. That’s really the sum of it.

Rayne is a loving slave with sadistic tendencies and masochistic desires. Chaos incarnate. The girl your mother warned you about.  She writes toy reviews and blogs about being a 24/7 medium protocol slave to her husband Melen at Insatiable Desire (http://www.insatiabledesire.com/), along with four other bloggers involved in the lifestyle.  She also guest write a series that is a basic look at M/s at Eden Cafe (http://www.edencafe.com/) with a number of other authors who write about various sex-positive subjects.

photo by BL1961

Review: Protocols: a Variety of Views

If you are looking for a varied account of protocol then this book is perfect! Part of Power Exchange Books’ Resource Series Protocols: a Variety of Views is a collection of essays written by people living a life with protocol in place. You will get every opinion represented here as well as a few book reviews at the end of other protocol related books you might be interested in.

Compiled of 13 well thought out essays from every role imaginable and some well known voices in the alternative community leadership, this book has what it needs and then some. You will learn what people consider protocol, what the difference is between that and ritual as well as ceremony. There are some lovely examples of personal protocols lived out in their relationships and opinions that may align with yours.

I like that the book is short essays, as I admit my attention span is relatively short. I can read one essay at a time and then give it some time to digest before moving on to another. In fact, that’s how I recommend you read this book. I tried reading one essay immediately following another and the differing viewpoints clashed in my brain and I had to reread them.

My favorite essay has to be by slave elizabeth titled, “Development of Protocols in the Order of Discipline and Service.” She shares with us her ‘unusual’ protocols that her Dominant has for the house and to be honest hers is the first I’ve read or heard about to hold these protocols. She and the other slaves that serve have uniforms much like a job would for about any occasion, they wear chains at all times, even while out and I love the idea of having personal cells for time away from serving. I was so interested in it I read the essay twice just to take care of my fascination.

If you are curious about protocol I’d recommend this compilation. It has everything you’d want to know and maybe some you wouldn’t think to learn.

Product Details

• luna’s Rating: 7/10
• Published on: 2008-10-01
• Original language: English
• Binding: Paperback
• 106 pages

Buy Protocols: A Variety of Views: Power Exchange Books’ Resource Series By Robert Rubel PhD

The Roundtable: D/s with Kids At Home

Every so often I want to open up the blog for you to share and teach me on a topic that I don’t know a lot about. This is your chance to teach me and the other readers of this blog. I encourage you to comment, subscribe to the comments and keep coming back to add more insights.

This month I’d like to discuss D/s or BDSM with kids in the home. This isn’t saying how to do these things while the kids are in the next room, but how do you balance your power exchange and play plans around your commitment to your children and home life?

• What considerations do you have to have in place to keep kids from finding out too soon?
• Do you play while the children are at home, how do you prevent them from finding out
• How do you change some of your rules when children are present?
• Do you have any unique explanations that you have given kids when they ask about certain relationship aspects? (Like why you always call him Sir or only sit on the floor, for example)
• What are your thoughts about being more open about your relationship to your children. Is there an age where they can start to accept your roles?
• Anything else you’d like to add?

kaya wrote a really good post a long while ago about her kids finding some of their toys. I’d recommend you read it and comment. Just remember to come back here!

The Many Faces of Submission

Types of submissives come in as many varieties as wines; there is one for every palette and preference. When someone tells you that you are submissive and you finally admit to yourself that you are submissive, which can be a journey itself, you can figure out how your submission differs from another by what type of submissive you are.

What I’m about to lay out for you is not the only way these terms can be described but it is a good measure for the novice and open to your interpretation. No one way to serve is better than another in this list. Remember that not matter where we are on the mountainous journey, the goal is the same. Surrender.

The Bottom

The bottom is the person who in the BDSM lifestyle enjoys receiving sensation. They always wish to be on the receiving end of the flogger or other sensation. The bottom may direct the session before or during the session; the bottom maintains the control. The act of bottoming is not always sexual. The bottom does not release real control to the top rather it is more of a mutual partnership. Some good examples of “The Bottom” are those who are in to the spanking sect of the lifestyle. I have met spankers who will tell you they are not submissive and they don’t have a submissive bone in their body. They are in this for the sexual pleasure of the pain. The bottom is more of a role played rather then a state of mind.

The Bedroom Submissive

The best way to portray this type of submissive is in every facet of life s/he may be vanilla or even Dominant but when the bedroom door shuts the roles drop and s/he submits to the Dominant. The bedroom is where the power exchange happens and stays. This is almost always sexual. In the bedroom the act of submission is complete, however when the bedroom door is open the bedroom submissive returns to the vanilla world or role.

The Psychological Submissive

The physchological submissive begins his or her submission in their mind. This submissive is submissive in and out of the bedroom. They generally have a need to submit or surrender to a Dominant. The act of submission is mental. S/he can give as much or as little as they wish ot or need to give. They then become the responsibility of the Dominant  to determine the direction of the relationship. The surrendering is the power exchange. Once the surrender occurs they can become an empty vessel for the Dominant. Love is not required, as this is a mental and psychological submission.

The Slave Heart Submissive

This submissive wishes to surrender everything without becoming a slave. In comparison with the psychological submissive, a slave heart submissive craves the love of the Dominant they submit to.  The act of submission is full of emotion and love. S/he gives all they have for the return of love and trust from the Dominant they serve.

The Slave

Unlike the submissive, a slave must surrender completely and be in complete control of a Master. The slave must feel completely owned. The slave usually feels like nothing until Masters gives them a slave identity. When Masters is happy the slave is happy. Many slaves I have talked to feel this way. They feel most complete when with Masters. The slave beams when s/he brings Master pleasure. The slave must surrender, and the slave is not happy until s/he has surrendered. The slave feels completed when surrendering to a Master.

I found the following analogy to be quite interesting and so I am going to share it here. I find that it works well in describing submission in terms that novices might connect better with. It comes from The Australian BDSM Information Site.

Submission is like drinking a glass of water

Immediate submissives might have water only when they eat curry. They don’t do it for itself really, they drink it because it makes the curry much better, cleanses the mouth, cuts the fire, makes them able to eat more. They wouldn’t think of drinking water without the curry.

Psychological submissives drink water because they like it. Sure they will drink it with curry, but they’ll drink it with roast beef, they’ll drink it with sandwiches, they’ll drink it without food at all–because they like the taste, the way if flows down the gullet, the cleansing feel.

The slave is someone in a hot climate. They have to drink water. Nothing else does the job. They can try wine or beer or sweet drinks, but when push comes to shove they must have clean water, because the others don’t cure the thirst. They might allay it some but when the heat is very fierce, water is the only solution.

What do you think of this analogy? Are there types of submissives that I missed?

Further Reading

An excellent essay was shared with my on FetLife by MsKestrel. She has written an essay about the paradigm of submission and I wanted to share it with you here. Please feel free to leave comments on her essay.

A Chautauqua: On Submission – State of Surrender

photo by tanitta

Banishment as a Form of Punishment: How Do You Cope?

“Go to your room!”

Yes even  adults in power exchange relationships get treated like children sometimes. A common tool for Dominants in their punishment arsenal is removal. You can be removed from the activity and sent to a time out area. For me that’s the kitchen. Ugh. I hate when I’m banished there. I can still hear what’s going on everywhere else, and to torture me even more there are no clocks. I can’t tell how much time has passed.  It works for us because I can understand my punishment and correct my behavior during the time I am away.

You may not have such a short time away. What if your Dominant tells you that they are not going to talk to you or see you for a week? Longer? How do you cope with that realization that you have made them so upset with you that they don’t want to see you? It happens more often in relationships that are not live-in, but certainly are not reserved to that style of relationship. It’s hard and I spent my first few removals crying and confused.

Now, cyber relationships use banishment a lot more readily and it can be even more frustrating. You are essentially cut off from your Dominant in every way. They won’t answer their phone, you email them but no response; it’s like they dropped off the face of the earth. In these cases I think that banishment is a lot more damaging than other punishment. In fact I’m sure it’s lead to a lot of failed attempts at online submission. Connection and communication is the only way you are staying together and so to break that leaves a huge gaping hole. A hole that you can bail out of. Commonly, that is just what happens.

There are ways to cope with the disconnect of your Dominant for punishment sake. It may be hard at first, like it was for me, but it is possible. Now, coping does not mean you can get used to it, that the reason you are being punished can be forgotten, or that you won’t miss your Dominant. All of these things are important to remind yourself of while you go through your banishment.

The Initial Phase

At first you could feel that your relationship is fractured or that you did something really really bad to deserve this. Now I can’t judge how bad punishment is; only your Dominant really knows if it fits the crime. The only thing you can do is serve the punishment with humility. Do not constantly try to get in contact with them. They have given you this punishment and you should serve it.

Reflecting on the Infraction

Now that you know you are being punished and that you have a bit more time on your hands; think about what you did. Write about it to yourself or in a journal. Figure out how you can prevent it in the future. Heal the problem as best as you can so that you do not have to feel this punishment again.

Atone

As soon as the punishment is over apologize for what you did wrong. This is not the time to say that you didn’t do anything wrong or critique your Dominant. Be humble and apologize. You can hope that your reflection on what you did wrong will remind you that you don’t want to do that again, or you can apologize and know that you have corrected it.

Stay strong; banishment is not an easy punishment and thankfully something not everyone does.

Help! My Dom is smaller than me!

You’ve met the perfect person; they are strict and charming, their dominance is a perfect compliment to your submission. There is just one hang-up. They are shorter than you, or they could be smaller in stature than you. Could there be an issue with your ability to submit to someone that can’t overpower you physically or that you can’t gaze into their eyes from below?

There is a reason why it can be a problem with some people to submit someone that doesn’t fit their mental image of a dominant. It has to do with perception. You can’t assume that just because someone is shorter than you are that they can’t bring you to your knee with a word. Someone’s physical presence is not where their dominance lies. Look within and see that the dominance is who they are and they can wield power from wherever they are, not just from above.

The media has given us a stigma of the muscular, powerful dominant or the tall, busty female dominant. The vision may help fuel your dreams and fantasies but the general population does not look like our dreams. We need to step out of that 2-d environment of screen and pictures and take in reality.

Give someone a chance to show you who they are. Being open to someone that isn’t your perfect vision of dominance could lead you to your perfect partner. People come in all shapes an sizes. We all have preference for body types, and each of us has different bodies. Our submission or dominance is who we are, not what we look like. When you meet someone that is just perfect in personality, their size shouldn’t mean anything.

Even if you have accepted someone into your life that is smaller than you are, you could still have occasional issues with power exchange. In the heat of a moment you could forget that they still control you and try to force them to do your will or refuse to do theirs. They may then reassert their power over you in a corrective way.

So how do you break down your own perception barrier?

1. Analyze your reasoning behind why you find shorter people less dominant and change it.
2. Figure out why being taller makes you feel less submissive.
3. Talk to the dominant as equals and get to know them.

Do you have any ideas to share? Are you in a relationship where your Dominant is smaller than you are? Is it difficult to obey them? Why or why not?

Importance of Needs

In the previous post about wants and needs you made a list of your wants and a list of your needs so that you had them defined for your training resume. In this essay I will share why needs are so important to your overall health and happiness in a relationship and why settling for less than what you need is detrimental to you and the relationship.

I’m going to use the basic needs of security, comfort and love for this discussion but any needs that you have on your list will apply just as well. Feel free to make this part of your personal analysis. This is for your own development and I hope that it will help you see why needs are so important.

Basic Needs Explained

Security for example is the first need that you should have met in order to live. This can be physical, emotional or financial security. Without the sense of safety and security you can not easily go about your day. Things that can threaten your security are unemployment, abuse and terrorist threats. A breakdown of security can make all other needs unimportant until this one is rebuilt. Just think about if you lost your house to a flood, how would you respond to the threat on your security? Would food or clean clothing be as important or would they take a back seat to re-securing a home?

Comfort is also an important need for people. With comfort you add food, clothing, and other material goods. Generally these would be things to enhance the security of your life. Nourishment of your body, mind and heart comes from providing comfort for yourself. Comfort in a relationship could be trust, honesty, openness and commonality. Without comfort you could experience malnourishment, depression and other physical and emotional stress.

Love is the last need that I’m going to cover here. Love is relative to each person, and is not restricted to intimate spousal love. Friendships and familial love are also important in your life for balance. It’s hard to be happy if you feel unloved. People who feel unloved can experience depression, stress and some have taken their own life. Love is just that important.

As a submissive, you may have additional base needs that a dominant provides. The sense of control from your partner is one that I can think of. In order for you to feel whole in your submission you may need a dominant to exert control over you. This is considered a need; you can’t be submissive without it.

Need Deficits

A lot of what we experience as stress and depression and a sense of lacking is due to our needs not being filled completely. These deficits impact us in different ways, but over the long term the lack of having our needs met can make us ill, very unhappy and frustrated. For example, what happens if your greatest need of affection wasn’t being reached? Would you feel unwanted, alone, frustrated and unhappy? Of course you would!

Not all feelings of sadness, frustration or depression have to do with lack of satisfied needs, but most can be lead back to a basic need or desire being ignored. It is my belief that more divorces happen because someone’s needs aren’t being met than any other reason. Open and honest conversation could have prevented some compatibility issues in many relationships.

As with all D/s relationships, communication is encouraged anyway, so make sure your needs are communicated as well. If they change, let your partner know. The power exchange has to do with needs as well as everything else in the relationship, use it to get what you need.

Settling For Less

So you’ve found out what your needs are, and you are entering a relationship. What if you can’t get all of your needs met in that relationship? Do you settle for less than what you need? How do you cope? Getting only some of your needs met, as I’ve said before, can have bad consequences and could mean the end of the relationship.

When it comes to needs you should never settle for less. There is a reason why you have made a list of needs compared to wants. Needs are just that. You have to have them to be happy. Make sure you share you needs long before your wants hit the table.

The next time you take a look at your needs list, make a note of how important that need is. You can always scale them so that you can make sure your base needs are being met. Never settle for less than what you require. Submissives have needs too, make sure yours get met.

Wants and Needs Series

1. Know What You Want, Learn What You Need
2. Distinguishing Between Wants and Needs
3. The Importance of Needs
4. Expressions of Wants and Needs
5. What Should You Do When Your Wants or Needs Aren't Met?