What are Dress Protocols?

I had a question sent to me via YouTube asking me about for information about dress protocols. I can only tell you what I am familiar with, so be aware that there are many many other forms of dress protocols and just as many (if not more) reasons behind them. I’m going to assume that the person who asked me wants to understand rules and protocols, not just special occasions where protocol may be in place.

Let’s start out with a refresher of what a rule is in comparison with a protocol. A rule is something that often a spoken or written direction for behavior and generally applies all the time. A protocol, as I understand it, is a set of nonverbal rules for specific purposes and occasions. A dress protocol for a wedding is different than that for a funeral, right? No one has to tell you that you should dress a certain way; it’s an unspoken rule. In BDSM situations, it is possible to have the protocol of a group or function written out and agreed to before you can attend. This is a higher form of rules that apply to just that event or group.

Now, moving on to dress rules and protocols.

A dress protocol is established by a Dominant as the way a submissive is to present themselves for any specific situation. These can be basic grooming habits to very precise details to what to wear to dinner or bed. A lot of times these are the first rules established in a relationship. These can start out as directions for when and what to keep shaved, how to care for your hair, or if you can wear panties or not.

The first rule I had was that I was not allowed to cut my hair. My Dominant likes my hair a certain length and I could only get it trimmed with permission, but never cut more than a certain amount. My hairstylist has adjusted to the change and will ask me now how much I can cut off safely before my boyfriend gets upset. The one to follow directly after that was shaving rules.

Now each Dominant has preferences for clothing and grooming. These are very outward symbols of ownership when followed and adhered to. Dominants can use these protocols to build body image or cause humilation or embarrasment. It could very well just be a Dominant’s preference.

In the case of a party, for instance, there may be a protocol that you must attend in fetish wear and that in order to get in you have to dress a certain way. This is intentional; to keep nosey vanilla people out and to strengthen the sexual and sensual vibe in the party venue.  You may very well have clothing and grooming requirements for your private play too. If your Dominant requires you to have an enema and to paint your nails red, this is part of your play protocol. This can take on very different meanings for each couple.

Below is a short list of the dress rules and protocols that I can come up with. I welcome you to include your own in the comments.

• Shaving the genital area
• Maintaining a certain hairstyle
• Wearing or not wearing makeup
• Wearing undergarments
• Requirements for high heeled shoes
• Allowances to wear pants or dresses
• Having manicures and pedicures
• Only certain colors of clothing
• Accessiblity in clothing
• Wearing insertables
• Presenting in private completely nude
• When to wear the collar
• Allowances for jewelry
• etc…

What do you have for dress protocol? Do you wear a uniform of some sort? Share your rules in the comments!

photo by Alaskan Dude

Am I Submissive?

So, you want me to tell you how you can tell if you are submissive or not? Asking someone else if you are submissive is like asking a blind man what color your dress is. Is there some magical online quiz that can say whether you are submissive or slave? Unfortunately no and I don’t think I’d listen to the results of one if it existed either. Submission isn’t something you can find in a self-help book or a therapist. Submission is a calling.

No, not the same kind of calling that religion speaks about; but similar. Some people find submission to be a natural way to live; something that comes to them easily and simply. To be a natural submissive means you have something innate and inherent in them that disposes them to submission.  Others have to learn about submission step by step. I’ve written about my own experiences with learning submission in the post Submission by Choice. When you feel inside that you are happiest when submitting, that’s when you know you’re submissive. There is no secret to it.

Hearing your inner voice tends to be the hardest thing. You’ve probably come to this post because either someone said you are submissive and you want to know more or you’ve heard that inner voice and you are curious about what it means. Hopefully you will leave here with some understanding of submission and how you know if you are submissive or not.

It will take soul searching, no doubt about that. Trust me when I say that you can not become submissive if you do not have the basic inclination to serve and the emotional pleasure of being available to serve. Once you have that, you are well on your way to knowing you are submissive.

Let’s take a look at the following four spaces to help you figure out if you are submissive. Apply them however they will work for your own personal situation.

Knowing you are submissive will have a mental aspect to it. When you think of serving others does it put you in a peaceful position? If it feels like the logical thing to do then it probably is. When I found that I was happy being submissive I stopped fighting myself and accepted being happy.

You may also have a spiritual connection to submission. I’ve often described my connectedness to my Dominant as being in prayer. I feel a higher power sort of connection when I please him. You may have an overall sense of bliss or complete happiness thinking about or participating in service.

Connecting to submissive can have an emotional response as well. You may cry uncontrollably, or smile so hard and so often that your cheeks hurt. There is a clear sign that you are submissive when you can look upon being of service to someone else and your heart aches with need. Your emotional response is usually the strongest response to submissive stimulus that you will be able to experience.

Lastly when you are submissive you will develop a physical response to Dominance exerted at or near you. For many this is sexual excitement but it could also be a need to physically get up and do something to bring your closer to that Dominance. I’ve had moments that only felt perfect when I listened to the primal urge to kneel or kiss his hand or do something to serve him.

Feeling all of these things at one time or another usually means you have a submissive mindset. It may not happen all the time, but the moments that do you should try to feed it. Develop a service you can provide someone else, volunteer in your community and certainly, if you can explore a relationship with Dominance and submission at its core. You may find the calling you were hearing was one thing or another… or all of the above. Only you can know if submission is the right direction for you.

photo by doug88888

Another 7 Things You Can Do Today to Improve Your Submission

A few months ago I started a list of things you can do to improve your submission immediately. If you want to see what’s in that list, you can find that post in the archives. I’d like to continue to add to that list because there are always things you can do but may not see as something that would enhance what you already do for your Dominant or for yourself.

1. Learn how to not fidget. Fidgeting is annoying and a sign that you are not focusing on something. If you can quiet your motions and your mind you will appear graceful and ready to take direction or just politely waiting for your Dominant. This can be expecially hard when you are excited or afraid, so practice it before it becomes necessary to do so.

2. Read and learn about something your Dominant is interested in. Part of your service is most likely to provide companionship. A partner that is knowledgable about their favorite sport or book genre for example can show a deep interest in the person and make it enjoyable to carry conversations with them. This doesn’t mean that you have to be as passionate about the subject but it will make it easier to understand what they are talking about when the topic comes up.

3. Drink plenty of water. Sure, that seems like an odd one but the benefits of water not only apply to weight management but healthy skin, radiance, blemishes, urinary health, cardiovascular health and so much more. It is a basic need for everyone and many of us don’t get enough. So stop reading right now and get yourself a glass of water; then come back here of course!

4. Surprise them! Prepare and serve His or Her favorite meal naked. Set up a bath just for them and then bathe them. Just because you have done it before doesn’t mean you can’t do it again. Be exciting and flirty. Do something you know will excite them tonight and the rewards will be worth all the wonderful effort. Keep him wondering what other special things you have up your sleeve. Pull out the surpises often.

5. Be Flexible. This one came from the comments on the last post. If your Dominant wants to do something and it requires you to drop what you are doing; then do it and don’t get in a huff about it. Things won’t always go exactly as planned and you need to be able to roll with the punches.

6. Share a fantasy with them. It is very hard to get your fantasies fullfilled if they never know what they are. If you’ve had some hot dreams lately or masturbation fantasies let them know about them. Your Dominant will appreciate the sexuality of it and the opennes of it. It could even lead to making that fantasy come true for you. I never said you couldn’t get anything out of improving yourself!

7. Practice kneeling and getting up from the floor using the tips given in May from the Submissive Positions series. It’s always good to have a few graceful kneeling and rising poses under your belt. You never know when you can whip one out and show them respect and submission in that way; or just to reach that stubborn spill on the kitchen floor. ;)

Can you think of any others? Does this list need an 8, 9 and 10? Talk it out in the comments!

photo by worak

Nurtured or Natural: Submission and Abuse

Is the desire to be submissive natural or is it part of the way you were brought up? Especially when there was abuse involved. Those internal radars go off and want to blame the abuse for how you live your life now. I can’t say that I have the global answer, but I do have my answer. That seems good enough for me.

I read a post over at a submissive’s musings where she discusses how submissives are wired different depending on their home life as a child. She even goes on to say that 75% of submissives were abused as children (even though she admits this number may be wrong and only uses the statistic for childhood sexual abuse). In fact, I’m certain it is. The math just doesn’t make sense. Let’s put those numbers in perspective. Say 100 BDSM submissives are in a room and going on the assumption that 20% of the room have been abused as a child, that doesn’t make out to 75 people.

Now, if we take the statistics for all abuse as a child, which I found at ChildWelfare.gov. It says, and rightfully so, that the statistics are hard to measure. We have the fact that not everyone will admit to abuse as a child, but of those that do the maltreatment rate in the US was 12.1 per 1,000 children in the population in 2005. That’s 1.21%. This statistic includes all forms of abuse; sexual, physical, emotional and mental as well as neglect.

What does work in my mind is that the BDSM population has the same or similar composition as the population as a whole, I mean we are a varied group of people correct? So, I can safely say that of everyone with a BDSM mindset that is submissive, 1.21% were probably abused as a child. That does leave many other to wonder if this statistic is correct as well. But as I see it, ask any submissive that was abused as a child if being in a BDSM relationship feels natural and I’d say the majority will say that no, it didn’t… at first.

Yes, I’m in that 1.21%. But also, if you have read here for at least a year, you will have heard me say on numerous occasions that I am not naturally submissive. Perhaps I was and the abuse rewired me? I know that growing up, I vowed to never let anyone get under my skin and they would not hurt me. If they did, I would hurt back. I’m still fighting this new wiring.

If I was submissive from birth (which isn’t likely if you follow familial birth patterns. I’m firstborn, thus natural dominant) and then my parents abused me, turning me inward and fighting the submission, what would really make me change as an adult? Most other nature vs nurture debates say that once nurtured the change is complete. If you are nurtured to abuse, you become an abuser. Wouldn’t that then, for hypothetical purposes, make me more likely to be a domineering dominant with a penchant for causing pain? (I am NOT saying dominants are all abusers, heck no. This is hypothetical and if I have to keep placing disclaimers then your mind is wandering where it shouldn’t go.)

What keeps me from being an abuser? Several factors.

• I fear it. I’m constantly afraid that I will listen to that voice that says, “You were abused, why not strike out at those that hurt you.”
• I am in control of it. I know when my anger has reached a peak where I need to step away or face the fear of becoming.
• I refuse to accept that it can happen. This is the strongest for me. I will not become an abuser because I refuse to let myself. In this capacity lies my desire to not have children. I believe that in my fight against my nurturing, I solidified the distaste in having children. I will not subject another life to my possible weakness. This is what makes me strong.

So back to the idea we are wired differently from libby’s post. Yes, we all are born to different circumstances and there is nothing wrong with choosing later in life to be in a BDSM relationship no matter how you were raised.

What do you think about childhood abuse and its relation to a BDSM submissive? Is the percentage higher? Lower? Why do you think so?

Moving deeper into this, why do you think the NLA-I DVP exists? It exists because there is domestic abuse in BDSM relationships. How many of those do you think the abuser was once the abused? So of that 1.21%, we have people who returned to what they knew, abuse. We also have others who became abusers without childhood exposure. This post is not about those who evolved into abuse. Are submissives who were abused more likely to pair up with someone who becomes or is a BDSM abuser? Well, how likely is it that a vanilla domestic relationship, the submissive partner moves from one abuser to another? It is what they know. (My mother is one of those; I can’t get her to see reason.)

I can’t say I know why I found submission to be my calling and why I feel fulfilled in this role in relation to my past abuse. I can say that my childhood has no relation to my partner choices or my love of pain as pleasure. I refused to allow it to mold me in that way. I’ve taken back my right to chose who I am.

*BDSM submissive in this case is a submissive in a BDSM relationship or looking for one, not just someone with a submissive nature; we all know that submissives exist everywhere but not necessarily all are into BDSM.

photo by Nictalopen

Altering Positions [Day 13 - 2WBSP]

Reading the past posts on the Submissive positions project may bring some of you to the realization that you can’t perform these poses for health or body size reasons. This is to be expected. I can’t kneel back on my heels at all. So what is a good submissive to do? You alter the positions so that they still look wonderful but are physically possible for you.

Today I’d like us to brainstorm ideas for how someone can alter the positions and still hold grace and etiquette at a high standard. It is possible to not follow the ‘Gorean’ style positions that everyone seems to favor and still look good. For the brainstorming, you will need creative time alone and a desire to work on the positions you want to incorporate but feel incapable of doing.

For example, I’m a large woman and can’t kneel back on my heels at all. To get around this I can put a small pillow behind my knees. Other alternatives are stools, sitting cross-legged kneeling for only short periods or not kneeling at all.

Start Brainstorming!

Let’s share what alterations you have for your positions!  I need your help to provide a resource to others, please chime in below with ideas that can help others find new and comfortable ways to do the positions if a disability restricts you!

Possible disabilities to come up with alternative positions for:

• wheelchair bound
• missing a limb
• carpal tunnel
• broken leg or arm
• obesity
• osteoperosis
• diabetes
• painful joints or arthritis
• others?…

photo credit panshipanshi

Two Weeks to Better Submissive Positions

Worship and Obedience [Day 10 - 2WBSP]

Nearing the end of our 2 Weeks to Better Submissive Positions here at Submissive Guide. Today we are going to learn positions of worship.

There will be moments in your submission that a feeling wells up inside of you to show your devotion and respect to your Dominant. You may also be asked to show your obedience to your Dominant in a position of humble service. One of the ways you can do this is with a pose of worship. I’m going to describe two basic ways you can show your obedience and worship. Please feel free to try your own; as with all of the positions expressed here, they are customizable and definitely personal to each relationship.

Kiss Their Shoe/Foot

This first position that I’m going to discuss has many different versions that you can read about online. The basic premise is to show worship to your Dominant. Practice this position with your Dominant if you can. Let them express ways to make it better and more personal.

1. Kneel in your preferred manner from Day 1 of the project.
2. From this position, lower you head down near the floor at your Dominant’s feet.
3. Place your hands on either side of your face.
4. Kiss your Dominant’s feet or shoes in homage.
5. Return to your kneeling position.

Obedience Bow

When performing this position you are reaching out to the highest form of submission you can muster from your body. You should express it in every movement into position. Find the beauty of your submission to bring you there.

1. Kneel in your preferred manner from Day 1 of the project.
2. Reach your hands out in front of you and lay them palm up or palm down on the floor.
3. Keep your head lowered in this position.
4. Lower your body until it is as low as you can comfortably bring yourself.
5. Allow your hands to remain outstretched until you have permission to rise.

What can you do to enhance these poses? Do you have a different way to express your worship of your Dominant? Could you share it with me in the comments?

10 Helpful Websites for the Busy Submissive

Sometimes you just need that extra bit of help out of your day or want to have all the tips and tricks on a certain activity. Well I have pulled together some of the best websites out there that will help you get though your difficult day in a breeze.

1. TipNut.com – This site has all the household tips, craft projects, recipes, kitchen & cooking tips and other neat-o hints that you could ever want when it comes to organizing your home. I’ve just recently come to find this site, and have fallen in love.

2. Lifehacker.com – Full of downloads and tips that you can use to make your life easier. I’ve found a lot of one-click applications that speed up my website work and browsing.

3. The Fresh Loaf – This site contains featured recipes, lessons, book reviews, a community forum and recipe exchange, and baker blogs. So please take some time to look around. It’s made with the amateur in mind.

4. Chore Buster – Organize your chores and household plans and have the calendar emailed to you (or each person gets their own list emailed) weekly or monthly as reminder on what to do. You can split the chores among family members and set the difficulty of chores so that your 6 year old doesn’t get something they aren’t capable of doing!

5. The Dollar Stretcher – Learning how to be frugal and save money in this tight economy! Excellent tips and ideas to keep your money where it belongs. In your pocket.

6. FlyLady.net – This is the first stop for any submissive wanting to organize your life. She’s an online coach to a tidy home and trust me, it works! I made my household binder based on her ideas and I enjoy adding to it every week.

7. Recipezaar – A recipe index with thousands of recipes, the ability to save recipes in your own cookbook for bookmarking purposes and submit your own recipes. I love the quantity adjustment feature so that I can increase and decrease the number or servings without calculation errors!

8. Moms Buzz – Mom’s Buzz keeps you in the loop with useful beauty tips, fun and easy recipes, awesome activities for kids (even the grownup ones) – and a hefty dose of humor to make you smile!

9. To Done! – A regularly updated collection of thoughts, writings, tips, tricks and information on personal productivity, work/life balance and getting things done.

10. Google Calendar – Google’s calendar allows you to make your schedule, receive reminders and alerts, share calendars with other Google users and view it from anywhere with an internet connection. You can even send out invites for parties and other things. It’s great for bills, birthdays and other special events as well as everyday tasks and chores.

Well, that’s a starting list, but I know you all have excellent websites you love to use and would recommend to anyone struggling to find time in their day for everything. What websites do you like?

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Leaving Work at the Door: How to Find the Mindset Once You Are Both Home

My first question for March Question Month is about making the mental switch from work to home life. I know from experience that this is a very difficult time for both the Dominant and the submissive.  You could have had an intense day at work, or the submissive is in a position of power at work and needs to be brought down once home. So many things can get in the way of wanting to be in the right head space when you walk in the door and it can break down the dynamic, cause stress and dilute the mindset for everyone involved. There are some simple steps to help you find your mental place before and shortly after you walk in the door.

Before you get home, think about how you would like to be, what would make your partner happy and just use the drive as a time to refocus. This could be challenging depending on your commute, but music might be a help. Use soothing, relaxing music and allow yourself to think of how you would like to act when you get home.

Leave work at work if at all possible. I know that many of us take work home to do while at home, but avoid it wherever possible. Doing work at home keeps you from shifting gears and becoming your home person and not the work person. This is in opposition to what you want to to. If you think of something you need to do tomorrow at work, like call Mrs. Simon about her appointment, call and leave a message on your voice mail or send yourself an email. Then it’s out of your mind and you won’t forget it tomorrow because you have just reminded your work self tomorrow.

Change your clothing as soon as you get home. This is the final layer of physical reminder that you were just at work. Put on whatever you wear at home, or dress in something that would be appealing to your partner. This can help your mind shut off work and turn on your role. Remarkably this can help your kids too if they are made to change clothes when they get home. They get stressed at school too and deserve the shift in mindset also.

Take a shower if you can. This has two purposes; it can strip away the ’smell’ of the office and it can work to reset your mind on what you should be doing at home. It’s pure alone time and you can really concentrate on what’s important.

Have an entering the house ritual. This can vary depending on if you have kids or other obligations but can include helping your partner off with their coat, taking their briefcase or lunch box, kissing them hello, kneeling obediently in the entry way, a formal greeting of some sort or even changing to an at home collar if you have one.

Lastly, take some time out for yourself to reconnect. Meditate, reread your rules for your position or sit and talk to each other away from other noises. Just 5 minutes to reconnect could make a world of difference.

Try to work your life around your dynamic, too many changes and you could come up against a brick wall more often than you care to admit. Everyone has times when they can’t let go of work or when stress is insurmountable. Take it one step at a time and allow your partner to help you shift and relax.

Coming home from work doesn’t have to be a hard change to submissive mindset and once you get a routine in place it should be a pretty easy shift. Practice at it and you will do well.

photo credit by Grant MacDonald