All Female Submissives are Bisexual and Other BDSM Myths

The world is full of false truths. These false truths tend to be the assumptions of the uninformed or the beliefs of those who want to scare novices out of their wits. Many of these are because of a narrow view of the world or an inability to accept varying viewpoints. In this post I’m going to discuss some of the most popular BDSM myths that novices here and what the truth really is.

What is a myth? A myth is a traditional story accepted as history or truth and serves to explain the world view of a people. In this case the people are BDSM practitioners. We all like to tell tales and share advice, but what if that advice has a false truth in it? Are you willing to pass on possible false information or do you want to get all the facts first before saying anything.

All Female Submissives are Bisexual

A common belief is that all submissives, and especially females are bisexual or forced into bisexuality because of the Dominant’s wishes. The truth is that respectful Dominants will comply with your sexual orientation and if it does not include being bisexual, then there should be no forced suggestion either.

All Dominants Want More Than One Submissive

Dominants are human too, and looking for a long term relationship is hard enough, let alone two or more.  There is a large percentage of Dominants that are fine with one submissive and never seek to expand their life. There are, however, people interested in polyamory and having more than one love is normal and accepted to them. You do not have to be in a polyamorous relationship if you do not want to. This is part of your wiring and either you like it or you don’t. There are also online Dominants that will have several online submissives, leading them to believe they are the one and only. These people are predators.

All Submissives are Masochists and All Masochists are Submissives

A huge misunderstanding is that you have to like pain to be submissive. Masochism is a part of your sexual identity; you either have it or you don’t. No one can make you like pain, but you can learn to accept pain for you Dominant if that is your wish. Doing so does not make you a masochist. Masochists come in all forms, the majority are submissive, however I know several Dominants that like pain as well, and instruct their submissive to give them pain during play. Switches are known to like both, but that isn’t always the case.

Slaves Are Better Submissives or Slaves Have a Deeper Submission

No group of people is better than another and no individual can be compared to another equally. We are all unique in our submission and no matter what label we choose for ourselves we can live to be the best we can be for ourselves and our Dominants. Slaves are another form of submission but that doesn’t mean they are better. I believe that all slaves are submissive but not all submissives can be slaves. It’s not a deeper submission, just a different path.

Myths are everywhere in the BDSM lifestyle. These are but a few of the most common ones. What myths can you think of?

I’m sure there will be more installments to this post as more myths come in. If you’d like to send me your common myth ideas, please do so by the contact page at the top.

Readers’ View on Polyamory

A couple week’s ago I held a Roundtable discussion on Polyamory. You had a lot to say about it.

I also had a guest post on polyamory, written by May.

Coming up this week is a second guest post about having two Dominats in a poly relationship by Aria. Keep an eye out for that one!

I’d like to share what you said in the comments. Please feel free to continue the conversation. I’d love to hear what else you have to say about Polyamorous relationships.

ellemenopea said:

What does polyamory mean to you?
Having loving relationships with multiple people

How did you decide that polyamory was something you wanted?
I didn’t really, it just sort of happened through a series of events.

How do you deal with jealousy?
Luckily, it’s not a huge issue in our relationships. Mostly, I try to remind myself that I don’t own anyone’s time. I also try to make sure everyone in my life gets some amount of time just for us.

How do you balance the relationship with more than one partner?
Right now it’s not an issue, as everyone in my life has some distance. Scheduling time is the biggest thing.

What is your support system like within the relationship?
I feel comfortable going to different people for different things, but overall, I feel that the people in my life and my partner’s lives are trustworthy and wonderful. It really gives me an extended network of people who care about me and lend a hand when necessary. It also makes me feel part of a family.

If you have more than one Dominant partner, how does the control get passed between the Dominants as it pertains to you?
There is a hierarchy in our relationship, where Sir decided who has how much control, on a case by case basis.

SereneKitten said:

1. What does polyamory mean to you? — Having more than one relationship at a time. These relationships can be very loving and committed, a “friends with benefits” situation, or a mix.

2. How did you decide that polyamory was something you wanted? — I was curious about it and wanted to give it a try. My first casual “threesome” went badly, probably due to poor ground rules. My next encounter was more structured and I set clear limits.

3. How do you deal with jealousy? — Jealousy stems from insecurity from within oneself. You have to realize your own self-worth and strengths before you can recognize that what you bring into the relationship is different from any other partner.

4. How do you balance the relationship with more than one partner? — Even if time cannot be split equally between the partners, one MUST make time for each of the other partners. Time as a group is wonderful, but one-on-one time is priceless.

5. What is your support system like within the relationship? — We are there for each other. One of our rules is that any subject is open to discussion with zero repercussions. Open, honest communication is key. We can’t know about a problem if no one tells us about it!

6. If you have more than one Dominant partner, how does the control get passed between the Dominants as it pertains to you? — Not applicable.

Obi said:

1. What does polyamory mean to you?
Loving more than one partner fairly but not necessarily equally.

2. How did you decide that polyamory was something you wanted?
I kept falling in love with a second person without wanting to give the first one up, or believing that I should have to do so.

3. How do you deal with jealousy?
Through honest and open communication, just like any other “negative” feeling.

4. How do you balance the relationship with more than one partner?
Schedules help, but again keeping everyone in the loop discussion was helps us access where the emotional energies need to be concentrated at any one time.

5. What is your support system like within the relationship?
Fabulous! All of my partners are in love with each other.

6. If you have more than one Dominant partner, how does the control get passed between the Dominants as it pertains to you?
They do not Dominate me together, but will discuss issues with each other when they arise to make sure that their Mastery is on the same page.

RequiemKittyPup said:

1. What does polyamory mean to you? ~~~~ for me, polyamory is when one person is able to have romantic and intimate love with more than one other individual.

2. How did you decide that polyamory was something you wanted?~~~ when i fell in love with 2 different men. i however do not *need* polyamory and while am open to it, i can live without it.

3. How do you deal with jealousy? ~~~open and honest communication. ensuring each person in the relationship has equal time with the other participants. ensuring that all participants are aware of everybody’s needs, wants and limits.

4. How do you balance the relationship with more than one partner? ~~~ again, ensuring that all partners have equal time. and also, ensuring that all partners speak up if something is off balance. Ensuring all know of each other’s needs wants and limits.

5. What is your support system like within the relationship? ~~~~ n/a

6. If you have more than one Dominant partner, how does the control get passed between the Dominants as it pertains to you? ~~~ i’ve never done this, but the way i would go about it would be to have one Dom be primary. Perhaps not dominant to the other dom, but have one dom be primary and if the primary dom is gone or whatever, then the control automatically passes to the other one.

photo by Sabrina Campagna

What Is Polyamory Anyway?

Today’s post comes from May (follow her @readheadgirl) a writer and artist.

For the longest time when I heard “polyamory,” I thought of hippies in the 70s having orgies at drug parties. I blame my misconception on why I took so long to realize that I am a polyamorous person. Like me, many people have the wrong idea about polyamory and what it means.  So before I define what polyamory is, I’d like to take a moment to say what polyamory isn’t.

It isn’t hooking up; it isn’t “free love;” it isn’t an excuse for cheating on, disrespecting or marginalizing a partner; it isn’t a rejection of commitment; and it isn’t an experiment to try while deciding whether or not to break up with your partner.

Polyamory literally translates as “many loves.”  It is a system through which people can create multi-partner relationships and families with the full consent of everyone involved.  Full consent is crucial. Only through respectful and honest communications can polyamorous relationships flourish (in this way polyamorous relationships are very similar to BDSM relationships and the two categories often overlap).

I like this Wikipedia explanation as it captures how polyamory is about what is in someone’s heart – not whom their having or not having sex with:

“Polyamory can refer to the practice or status of a relationship at a given time, or used as a description of a lifestyle, philosophy or relationship orientation (much like gender orientation), rather than of an individual’s actual relationship status at a given moment. It is an umbrella term that covers many orientations and modes of relationship. There is fluidity in its definition to accommodate the different shades of meaning which might be covered. Polyamorous relationships are themselves varied, reflecting the choices and philosophies of the individuals concerned.” (Source: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Polyamory)

Polyamorous relationships take many forms and can include many different levels of intimacy.  In some relationships, a couple will have a single dedicated partner with whom they share a series of affairs. Another person may be actively “single” while participating occasionally or often in the committed relationships of others.  A couple may be committed to each other and to a third… or to another couple.  One person who is part of a couple may be dedicated to another person who is also in a committed relationship, without the involvement their significant others. The possibilities are limited only by the needs and desires of the parties involved.

The sex in a polyamorous relationship is what most people think of first, but it is not the most important component. Many desire intimacy and excitement that cannot be met by a single person.  This is, to me, the ultimate reason for polyamory: to accept your desires and your partners’ desires for intimacy fully while you assist or allow one another the expression of those desires.

Every polyamorous relationship I have witnessed grows stronger on a daily basis because of how all involved recognize and respond to the innate needs of the others in a loving, giving way.

In many ways, polyamory is whatever you want it to be. But what it must be is honest, loving and accepting. The rest is up to you…

May is a writer, artist, feminist, geek, book-nerd, bisexual, polyamorous, ex-Baptist, pagan, environmentalist, vegetarian who lives in Kansas City, Missouri with her cats and the greatest boyfriend ever.  You can follow her on Twitter as @readheadgirl or find her poems, photography and art at readheadgirl.deviantart.com/gallery/.