Let’s Play! BDSM Activities From a Submissive Viewpoint

One of every submissive’s first experiences happens to be in the bedroom or dungeon. That’s why this month I’d like to focus on the joys and pleasures of the things we can explore during scenes and play.

The next few weeks we’ll be hearing about a variety of BDSM activities. Just about every post is a guest post from readers like you! Here are some of the posts that I have coming up:

• Exploring Impact Play by bgtreasure
• Fireplay by Gwendolyn
• Caning by Nadia West
• Lactation Play by dani
• Rope Bondage by patricialynn
• A Beginner’s Look at play by The Beginner

I’m still looking for more guest posts for this series so if you are interested in writing about your favorite playtime activity, please contact me!

photo by erenemre

Exploring Your Place in BDSM Play

Submission during play can be overwhelming. How do you understand what you might like? What about the buzz words of subspace and sub drop? One of Submissive Guide’s goals is to help novice submissives understand BDSM and their place in it. To help you begin your exploration I’ve put together a list of the posts here to help you on your journey.

• Why BDSM is NOT D/s – skylarpet shares her thoughts on the differences between BDSM and the relationship type D/s.
• Safe Sane and Consensual – Learn what your responsibilities are when it comes to playing.
• RACK – SSC not your idea of a good way to play? Try Risk Aware Consensual Kink.
• The BDSM Checklist that will Really Help You – Checklists offered online are extensive, overwhelming and increasingly not useful. Learn how to write one that will work with your development.
• Using Playtime Check-Ins Wisely – Communicating effectively during play is vital to a comfortable and pleasurable playtime.
• To Safeword or Not to Safeword – The use of safewords in BDSM and deciding if they are important to you.
• Nonverbal Ways to Safeword – How do you express discomfort or the need to stop when you are gagged or hooded? Come read about some nonverbal options.
• Packing a Toybag – Dominants are not the only ones who should come prepared. See what you should have with you when you play.
• Sub Space – What is it? Do I want it? How much does it cost?
• Emotional Aspects of Sub Drop – The crash when play is over can be physical and emotional. Take a look at the emotional side; which can be the hardest to deal with.
• Sub Frenzy – What is it and can you get it? Is it contagious? Find out how you can cool the fever!
• Aftercare for Yourself – Putting together a kit to help you heal after playing is important in casual and live-in relationships.

This isn’t all there is to BDSM play, trust me. But it’s a start. Now open for questions!

photo by spankmeeehard

Submissive Chat Night 9/22/09: Subspace and Subdrop

It’s time for another Submissive Chat Night!

When: Sept 22nd at 8pm CST. It is expected to last about 1 1/2 hours.

Topic: Subspace and Subdrop

Optional Pre-reading:

• What is Subspace – pdf format
• Going Deep: Topspace, Bottomspace and Sado-erotic Ecstacy
• Moving within Space
• Sub Drop
• Sub Drop

Some chat night rules, up for discussion.

1. Right now I have the room set that it will be moderated during chat night. Dominants are welcome at anytime, but will not be able to speak publicly during discussion hours. I want to make this a comfortable place for submissives to come together to talk but I also don’t want to say that Dominants are not allowed to attend.
2. I would like to be able to post the edited chat log for the discussion on this website and will put it up for a vote every chat night. Vote will decide for that night only.
3. Dominant bashing will not be allowed. Gossip is not welcome. Using people’s full names, or those of people not in the chat will be subject to banning for the duration of the discussion. Please don’t make me use my powers. I’d like to keep this comfortable for everyone; even those not present.

How to get to the chat room

The chat room is attached to this site under the Resources link at the top, or you can click this link here. You will want to click on that big CHAT image to open the chat room. It will ask for your nickname and then automatically connect you to the chat room. It is open all the time, so if you want to meet some people, hang out in there. I try to be there when I’m at my computer too.

If you use an IRC desktop client you can connect to the server directly. Here is the information you need to find the room:

Server: irc.bdsm-net.com
Port: 6667
Channel: #submissive-guide

Questions? Let me know. Otherwise I hope to see a lot of you there on Tuesday!

Using Playtime Check Ins Wisely

A check in is where either partner provides clues as to their comfort, pain tolerance, pleasure level or other information during a scene or play session. Even the most experienced players continue to check in with their partners during play; it is a good practice to have. Whether you are playing with your partner or someone new, learning how to give good information during a check in is vital to your enjoyment and comfort. I am going to explain what a check in might look or sound like and what information to provide that will be best received and used.

Before you begin playing you should negotiate the scene. If you are in a committed relationship with your partner this is likely skipped, but if there is something you need to express make sure you have the time to do that before play begins. In the negotiation you should find out what the check in symbol is; if it’s a voiced question or another sign.  Knowing this before play can set a mental trigger to pay attention to these things if you find yourself a bit foggy during play.

The Check In

A check in is a moment when play is suspended to see if everything is still okay and that your partner is willing to continue. The top or bottom can perform a check in, however it is more common for the top to do so.

On the most basic level, a check in is the top asking, “How are you?” “Do you remember your safeword?” or “Is everything okay?” Other ways to check in are a squeeze of the hand, leg, etc. as a non-verbal check in. It could be a whisper or a special touch. All of these can be ways in which to check in with their partner.

Your response to these simple questions can give a lot of information to the top. From your mental/emotional state to whether you’ve reached your pain limit. A good top will be able to hear what you aren’t saying and can read body language and tone of your voice for more information but don’t assume that a top you have never played with will understand these things.

Provide Good Information

When asked to check in, never just say you are fine. Tell the top if you feel good, or bad. Express how excited you are or even that your back/ass are really sore and hot. Take this time to share about numb limbs or other discomforts you may not have noticed until this request to check in. If you need water or a break, do not be afraid to say so. It doesn’t make you any less of a bottom for requesting these things.

Expressing how foggy-headed you are feeling, if you are close to subspace and whether or not you want to go there and any requests for intensity changes or implement changes should be voiced in a check in.

Warnings to Pay Attention To

Frequent check ins can be annoying and the submissive may think that the Dominant’s constant need for reassurance is a sign of lack of confidence. A Dominant should not be expected to play without any feedback at all either. Find a happy medium during negotiation so that you can continue play safely and make it enjoyable.

If at any point you feel dizzy or shaky or weak make sure you check in immediately as these can be signs of non-diabetic hypoglycemia. In this condition you could faint, pass out, go into shock and if left untreated, you could die. Play is not worth that. Make sure you have simple sugars available for these moments. Why do you think they give you orange juice and cookies when you donate blood? It’s to spike your insulin levels while your body works to replace the blood you just gave. It works here as well.

Using check ins wisely will keep your play fun and exciting for all involved.

Final Thoughts: If you know of anything else to provide during a play session check in, please let me know in the comments.

photo by batega

Learning to Kneel [Day 1 - 2WBSP]

Today’s post  in the two week project here at Submissive Guide is focused on kneeling.

Do you kneel in front of your Dominant partner at any point of your service? Is there a specific way to do that?

For someone new to BDSM, it is common to think you must kneel a lot of the time. When you are online, it can be expected that you will be spending most of your time kneeling, however in real life it may not be expected at all. My first exposure to real time BDSM involved a little bit of kneeling. I had to kneel in front of the bed and be ‘collared’ for play. This was just a playtime collar and was part of getting me in the right mind. The kneeling was just a short time and I don’t think I spent any more time on the floor like that the rest of the play time. I do not kneel in my relationship now except on special occasions.

In some relationships it might be expected to be kneeling when the Dominant enters a room or returns home from work. The position you take while kneeling is also particular to that Dominant’s desire. Can you think of other times you may be asked to kneel?

Practice Kneeling

Today’s task is to practice kneeling. Get down on the floor and rest up on your knees. Try laying your feet flat so that the tops of your feet are on the floor and rest back on your calves. Kneel with your knees together and then with your knees spread apart. Practice resting your hands on your thighs, crossing them in front of your chest, or behind your back, or behind your head. How long can you hold each of these different positions. How can you make it look graceful, composed and sensual? Try to hold the following positions for 10 mins. Do this in front of a mirror if you can.

1. Kneel up so that your body is perpendicular to the floor, the most weight will be directly on your knees. Place your knees together and then spread them apart. Try different placements of your hands in this position.
2. Kneel down rested on your calves. Rest your feet with the tops on the floor and then bending your toes under for support. Place your knees together and then spread them apart. Try different placements of your hands in this position.
3. Sit cross legged on the floor. First try it with your feet as far under as possible, then move them so that they are more in line with your knees, perhaps even on top of one another.

Which of these, if any felt the most comfortable. Which ones did you like? Which ones did you not like? Write down your favorites on a sheet of paper. Give them names and describe them so that you can remember them.

Tomorrow’s position is Standing at Attention.

photo credit notquitetrish

Two Weeks to Better Submissive Positions

Caring for Yourself After a Scene: Self-Aftercare

Aftercare is an important part of recovery from play for many people. It is most common to experience a drop in emotions and energy after play from within hours to even days later. All too often it becomes a necessity to take care of yourself after a play session because your top was just visiting or the play party is over. Even after a few days you may need to carry out some aftercare. Knowing what to do can prevent physical and emotional struggles.

Physically it may seem obvious that you have marks; bruising, cuts, sore muscles, etc that need continued first aid. If you haven’t taken first aid training, you should have a basic medical primer at home. I have one that is a Home Medical Care Manual given to my by my father. It’s come in handy for diagnosing general illnesses and in deciding if a visit to the doctor was necessary.

First Aid for Marks

Knowing basic first aid for bruises, cuts and abrasions is important to caring for your skin and muscle tissues after intense play. There are many schools of thought on bruise care but the best I’ve heard about is Arnica cream sold in the pharmacy area. Cool compresses will help cut down swelling. Treat cuts and abrasions with anti-bacterial and bandages. Scar reduction cremes may also be helpful if you are afraid of marks lasting longer than you’d like.

What is Sub Drop?

Sub Drop is when the endorphins you experienced during play suddenly leave your body and it goes into withdrawals. This can be described as similar to drug addiction recovery. Your body goes through a crash period and is personal to each person. From crying and uncontrollable emotional outbursts, to sadness, depression and anxiety. You could also experience moments of guilt or doubt about your play session and what you enjoyed. Drop can come at your within hours or even days later. It is typically more common with submissives in long term or committed relationships than with casual partners.

Guarding Against Sub Drop

Another issue is the emotional and psychological trauma you may have experienced during play. This can catch up with you shortly after play to days later when you least expect it. To guard against it, drink water before, during and after play. Make sure you do not play while hungry or even slightly ill. Listen to your body and if it’s giving you signs to stop, you should. The only limits you should try to break are emotional and non-physical ones. Your body tells you things for a reason; listen! Drink something with simple sugars after play. Orange juice works wonders.

Creating a Drop Kit

A drop kit can be helpful for Dominants and submissives that experience moderate to severe drop after play sessions. Drop can be associated with feelings of loneliness, mental and physical exhaustion, confusion, insecurity, tremors and many other physical symptoms. It is important to take care of yourself during times of drop. This kit will put all the things necessary at your fingertips.

This is by no means an exhaustive list, please feel free to add your own personal selections.

• Warm blanket
• First Aid Kit
• First Aid Manual
• Bath salts
• Bubble bath
• Scented candles
• Incense
• Favorite book
• Prepaid calling card
• Hard candy
• Favorite beverages
• Lotion
• Journal
• Relaxing music
• Letter from your partner
• Stuffed animals
• Coloring books/crayons
• Gift card to favorite restaurant
• Vitamin E
• Favorite movie

Do you have any personal items you’d add to your own Drop Kit?

photo credit Meredith_Farme