First Playtime Jitters and How to Arrive Prepared

Every submissive goes though it. You may be going through it now. Those butterflies in your stomach because you’ve just set a date for your first play session. Things are still so new and exciting. You don’t know what to expect or how you will react to things. It’s all so strange and foreign feeling. You aren’t alone. Even the most experienced submissive can go through the butterflies before play, but there are ways to learn to relax and be a bit more prepared for what might happen at your first play session.

1. Talk to the Dominant beforehand. Make sure that they understand your nervousness. Ask them lots of questions about what might happen during your playtime or you can even specify what you would like to experience. Don’t take it too extreme that first time. You have all the time in the world to try play piercing or the single tail whip. If you aren’t sure if you like pain at all, don’t hide that from the Dominant. The point of this is to keep the lines of communication open. They want you to enjoy yourself as much as they want to enjoy the experience. Find out what they will expect of you well in advance.

2. Learn about what is going to happen. If the Dominant has a spanking planned and you don’t know a lot about consensual spanking, read about it. Go on forums and ask questions, become familiar with the terms and knowledge available to you. If you must, look at pictures and porn related to the event. Knowing about what will happen will help you calm your nerves.

3. Set up a safe call. This doesn’t have to be elaborate. Just let someone else know that you are going on a date, of if they are into BDSM, be upfront and say it’s a first play session, and ask them to call you at a specified time. Then let the Dominant know ahead of time that you have a safe call and will be expected to answer the phone at whatever time you have set. This way they can make sure you are not occupied or unable to get the phone. A respectable Dominant will have no problems with this; a shady character may object (sound the alarm). The phone call is just to check if you are okay. You can get fancy with a code if you want to, but there usually isn’t a need. I’ve heard that someone has the code, ‘Can you let the dog out?’ as meaning I’m in trouble or uncomfortable, I need to get out but can’t. So far they haven’t used this code.  It’s completely up to you, but having a safe call can help you with your jitters as well.

4. Breathe. Alot. Taking deep breaths will relax your beating heart and help you absorb what is happening a lot easier than panicked gasps for air. You’ve been waiting a long time for this moment, enjoy it.

5. Talk about it afterward with the Dominant or experienced others. Talking about what happened and how you felt can help you feel better prepared and accepting of what you went through. Watch for signs of sub drop and I suggest you think about some self-aftercare. I think it brings the event full circle.

Are you getting ready for your first play session? Do you have questions you’d like answered? Contact me! subguide@gmail.com

photo by SashaW

Processing Pain and Being a Masochist

Being that I’m a masochist, I love pain. I’ve never really thought about it or analyzed what that means really, but reading other people’s blogs has always helped me see that saying I’m masochist is just another huge personal term in BDSM as a whole. So, to think it though, this is what being a masochist means to me.

I eroticize pain. I get the most thrill from impact play; be it flogging, spanking, paddles or crops. Just thinking about these activities can stir my sexual responses. I like sting more than thud which I’m beginning to think is a rare thing. So many people I talk to cringe when I say I like sting. I’ve always interpreted thud to be kinda uneventful. Now don’t get me wrong, I love the feel of a heavy flogger thudding across my back, but the masochist in me wants sting and feeds off of it. I get the most gratification from a mixture of sting and thud. I like intense and steady once I’ve made to to that happy place.

Constant pain like clothespins and nipple clamps or the swelling of areas while the blood flow is cut off is another delicious pain, but it’s one that I have a tendency to struggle against. In this I know that I like the struggle, I like the feeling that I can’t take one more minute and yet proving myself wrong over and over again. I like to tremble as the endorphins take hold and I like the buzzy feeling I get when the pain has reached the threshold. Going past the threshold is just pain, not pleasure at all. With constant pain, pushing me over the edge will max me out.

How I process the pain really depends on how I’ve gone into the scene. The easiest for me is to moan and groan and sigh, allowing my body to express itself any way I can. I tend to wiggle or struggle with it and then against the pain. To space a bit I have to get past this point. I have to progress to silence and acceptance. When the pain of the impact toy blurs with pleasure and is more muted no matter how fierce it may be is when I can find a zone that I love to sit in and probably could for hours. It is cathartic and feels healing in a way.

Another way I like to process pain is to bring out the tears. It’s a release to cry and sob and let the natural expression of pain come out. It starts out small and can lead to screams and loud cries. In this state I think I could get the most personal satisfaction from. I feel that I can push myself past the tears then I’ve made it to some level beyond what I thought I could have pushed myself.

It’s only been recently that Master has accepted that making me cry is okay. It used to be a full stop for him. Needless to say I crashed hard if he stopped then. I was just getting into it and then he’d stop because he thought my reaction was negative rather than positive. Many conversations later I think he’s accepting that I will call red if I’m done.

One of the most embarrassing ways I communicate pleasure in pain is by laughing. I get this way on more occasions than I can count. He could be going at me with the paddle and it will be so painful that I laugh and laugh. I try to stop only to explode in laughter more. I don’t know if it was harder for Master to accept this than the crying, but I know that I still have problems when I laugh. It just feels… out of place. I’m not mocking the scene at all, I swear. It just feels so darned painful that I have to let it out somehow.

So, being a masochist is my own personal definition of pain translation. I don’t have an ache for pain very often but when I do I’m pretty good at telling Master I need something. We’re open that way. Since Master has grown in his role we’ve been better at giving each other what we need at the right time.

I feed his sadistic desires and he fuels my masochism dreams.

Lactation Play and the Adult Nursing Relationship

This is a guest post by dani. She is a new submissive in an Adult Nursing relationship.You can read about Erotic Lactation at Wikipedia or visit Land of Milk and Honey for more information.

We didn’t start 2009 with any kind of BDSM activities in our lives, so we have quite the journey over the last 12 months! For many couples an Adult Nursing Relationship is not considered  kinky nor does it have any connection between lactation and BDSM. For us, lactation was a first step down a new path.

Our journey to re-lactation began as the first kinky request my husband made of me. We have been together for 13 years and while he suckled for my relief when our babies were breastfed, i hadn’t had any milk for over a year. He had been looking up on line how to induce and he asked me to do it one evening. While i didn’t think re-lactation was possible, i was excited about his enthusiasm and his request of me.  We started with a pretty relaxed schedule, but he suckled 3x a day for about 20 minutes a side.

Suckling became totally intoxicating.  i craved it and couldn’t wait for him to come home from work so we could sneak off and have our time together.  Not surprisingly, all of the attention did wonders for my libido.  My husband compared me to an old car. If you let her go too long without getting her started, she will take longer to get warmed up.  Better to turn her over more often, keep her warm, she will start every time…and as it turned out i was now always warm!  We went from having sex two or so times a week, to having sex two times a day. We spent so much time together, just the two of us, holding each other and that wasn’t something we had ever done before.  Making time for just us was an amazing boost to our relationship, and it wasn’t easy, but it was so worth it.  We found that we didn’t bicker at each other nearly as much as we used to and of course he was much more sexually satisfied. i guess i was, too.

Once milk began to come in, i loved the way my breasts felt.  They were bigger (and they weren’t really small to begin with), but also firmer.  They looked fine without a bra, which was not something i had ever really done before.  They also felt full. i had nursed two babies and once that was over, my breasts felt like deflated balloons. So, we were both very happy with the physical changes.

Feeling sexier and being physically together so much more often, led to more, shall we say, creative sex for us.  He opened up about wanting milky breasts and i was able to open up more about other, more submissive, behavior i was interested in exploring.

Now as my Master, he gives me shivers when he tells me to “milk” myself or to take good care of his breasts. i hate the term, “milking”, but when he tells me to do it, it sends me to the moon.  We are still suckling regularly and while i don’t make as much milk as he would like, we both still love spending the time together a couple of times a day.

dani is a new submissive and this is her first guest post on Submissive Guide. You can reach her on FetLife at milkydani

With the Stroke of a Cane: Enjoying Caning

This is a guest post by Nadia West for the BDSM activities series.

I’m fairly new to caning, but I’ve discovered that I like it a lot (even if I can’t take as much as some people can). I was afraid of canes for a long time because I had heard they’re rough pain-wise. While I like pain I’m not truly a pain slut. And it’s true, they are rough – the impact is concentrated along one thin area. But I find that a caning puts me into subspace wonderfully, perhaps better than any other implement.

I don’t have experience with different types of canes. MasterDoc’s (my Dom) are rattan with handmade handles. Rattan is pretty standard cane material. It doesn’t look like the rattan cane with the crook is fundamentally different than a straight rattan cane. I got to watch a sub get beaten with a carbon fiber cane recently – seems harsher than the more flexible rattan. I’ve also read that carbon fiber canes conduct electricity, and therefore can be used creatively with a Violet Wand. Canes come in other materials, including acrylic and aluminum. The less flexible a cane is, the more pain it’s going to produce.

My Dom has always warmed me up first with his hand, and/or a paddle. He gets my ass nice and rosy and my pain tolerance starts to improve with warm up. Then he picks out the thinnest cane we have (we’re working our way up to the thickest of the three someday) and starts with some taps. Light taps aren’t too painful, but the real attraction of the cane is a sharp hit. Angry red stripes left on your ass is definitely a desirable, and kinkily attractive, result. With a sharp hit the pain surges and I have to focus my breathing. I slowly breathe in and out so I can manage the pain. Sometimes my Dom strokes my legs until my tense muscles start to relax. Then he resumes with the cane. It’s quite painful, but unlike paddling it’s a short, sharp pain. Paddling usually goes on with the paddle hitting the same area repeatedly, and that gives me a longer lasting pain. While the cane strokes have to be measured and I need more breaks to process the pain, it feels exhilarating to take it.

It’s intense dealing with the sharp pain, but this makes me feel even more proud about taking it than pain from other implements. I probably cry out more, but this isn’t necessarily a bad thing. (I’m sure sadists just love those little cries of pain.) The intensity leads me into subspace fairly quickly. As I enter subspace, I find that strokes of the cane that would ordinarily hurt are somehow manageable. I feel proud of myself for immediately converting the pain into pleasure. Some strikes do hurt though, and it’s not like the caning will ever be negligibly stimulating. I get to float between, “Wow, that should hurt but it really doesn’t feel like much,” to “Holy shit that hurt! I’m holding my breath involuntarily now; I need to take deep breaths.”

At the end of a caning, I’m really wet and in a total subspace buzz. With just a little sexual teasing at that point I’d probably gladly do anything whatsoever that my dominant asked of me (even things that I usually have a hard time with, like piss play). I look forward to working my way up to more intense canes, and I’m glad that I didn’t let my fear keep me from trying them out.

Nadia West blogs about her adventures with her Dom over at Diary of Kinky Librarian (www.diaryofakinkylibrarian.com). While she’s been a kinkster for years, she’s only been in a D/s relationship for two and a half years. Other favorite pastimes include (receiving) wax play, orgasm control, flogging and giving blow jobs. She also twitters at www.twitter.com/nadiawest.

photo by canes4pain.com

Up in Flames: The Basics of Fireplay

This is another guest post for the BDSM Play Feature here on SubmissiveGuide. This post about Fire Play is by Gwendolyn. Enjoy!

I have always been a fire bug and am a volunteer fire fighter. So when I became interested in BDSM and heard about fire play it was definitely top of my list of things to try. As soon as I did I was hooked on it. There are many things that can be part of a fire play scene and I will be going over what I have experience in or know a lot about due to research.

Now, there are some things you should know about fire play. Check out the references of the tops offering it. Fire is dangerous. Yea, you may say well.. duh..  But, if you are a submissive like me, you will put all of your trust into your Top/Dom and sometimes not challenge what they doing.  I learned that by not asking about every detail of the fire play aka negotiating out your scene, you are asking to be damaged.  I have scars to prove this point. So if someone brings out a propane torch, end the scene right there.

One of the questions I tend to get often from people who have not tried fire play yet, are how do I handle the pain? Everyone has different techniques, what I have found to be most effective is focus upon your breathing. This works on any kind of play.  Find a focal point and breathe slowly. If part of the safety precaution is to have your head against a support/safety person then close your eyes and still breathe slowly.

If you would like to get in contact with me, please feel free to add me on Fetlife (SehAnru), or email me directly at gwendolynhopping@gmail.com.

Disclaimer: Do Not attempt fire play on yourself, and especially not alone if you are not experienced already. If you do, you are doing so at your own risk, and I, nor Submissive Guide nor anywhere else that this may be posted are to be held responsible for any damages that may occur. Thank you.

Safety Equipment/Precautions: People use varied types of equipment, there are the Nomex hoods used by fire fighters, fire blankets, all the way down to wet wash cloths. As a submissive/bottom don’t be afraid to ask about protective gear. Your safety should always be number one. Make sure your hair is out of the way when doing any kind of flogging or whipping. If you know you will be participating in such a scene, do not use hair spray or perfumes/colognes. Even some lotions have been known to be flammable.

Fire flogging: This is the most common which includes a  flogger made out of Kevlar rope/wicks and some have knots at the end of them not only for the stingy factor but also prevents the ropes from coming unraveled. This I have experienced many times both on my back and upon my front. It is a little more sting than a usual flogger made of leather mostly due to the knots, but the heat is incredible as it isn’t constant, but flashes.  If you have never tried this before, I would recommend just starting out on your back.

Fire Fleshing: This is where designs are made upon your body with the fuel and then set on fire then quickly blown out, wiped out, or smothered with a fire blanket.  The tools used for this vary. Some use drumsticks wrapped in Kevlar, some create pens with a Kevlar wick, and many other creative tools have been made and used. There is more than just Kevlar that can be used, but this is what I am most familiar with. This too I have had experience with both on my back, and front, and even upon my labia. Now, that.. was interesting. Though a note of caution, fire does suck out the moisture in your skin, this includes your sensitive lips, testicles, whatever you may use it on. Have moisturizer with you.. I had shriveled little lips and that was the strangest thing I have ever experienced.

Fire Whipping: Everything with fire is dangerous, but in my opinion this is the most dangerous manner of fire play as it is a single tail whip that is on fire. Some are made with leather and a Kevlar popper at the end, and some also make them completely out of a Kevlar blend then use an aluminum handle, and Kevlar popper. So far I have experienced this once and definitely will be going back for more, but it is not for anyone who does not have a high pain tolerance as it does mark, and can cut the skin.

Fire Cupping: This is an age old medical practice seen most commonly in the Oriental though has been known to pop up all over the world. Some use this as a way of blood letting, while others use it for a manner of reverse acupressure. I have not personally tried this yet, though I have heard many good things about it. Fire cups are relatively inexpensive and can be found in many places online. Always do your research on safety precautions before ever trying something like this.

Flash Paper/cotton: This has had mixed reviews from Fire Master’s and Mistress’s as when it ignites it can cause 3rd degree burns if not placed correctly aka too close together. I would recommend getting: “Flames of Passion: Handbook of Erotic Fire Play.” By David Walker and Robert Rubel with a Forward by Jay Wiseman who I have met personally.

Fire Drumming: This is where fire wands are set on fire and they are drummed against the body in rhythmic manner. This is intense as well as relaxing. Odd combination I know, but it’s true.  Think of it as a heavy Florentine flogging. So yummy.

Here is a neat little parlor trick which is cheap and easy to try, Alberto V05 mouse is flammable. Do not put this in your hair and get close to fire, we don’t want a Michael Jackson or Richard Pryor re-enactment. Make a spiral design, or any design of interest and light it. It can barely be felt, but has a very cool effect. Wipe and rinse, and repeat if you would like.

Always play safe!!

~Gwendolyn Hopping Aka SehAnru

Gwendolyn is an old fashioned Irish service oriented slave in Oregon who has been involved in the S&M part of BDSM for a little over a year now and have been involved in the DS portion of BDSM since she was 9 (Had a Domme for a mother.)So she know a lot about service. She also am a stay at home wife who works on our poly farm,  loves to craft, and is working towards writing my first of many novels. She is quite easy to get along with, and is always open to new friendships so feel free to contact her anytime.

Photo by photos8.com

Exploring Impact Play: A Variety of Pleasures

This is a guest post by bgtreasure for the BDSM Play Feature Series here on Submissive Guide.

I choose this topic to write about because it is my favorite form of play and has been since I’ve found this wonderful thing we call “The Lifestyle”.

The general definition of Impact Play that you will find in BDSM dictionaries:  Impact Play: Often referred to as edgy. The action is the same as paddling or spanking but done with the intent to cause deep tissue bruising. A bruise that is very painful and may take very long to heal.

So with the intent to cause deep tissue bruising which is something that I don’t really pay attention to it’s the more intense pounding and beating that gets me off.  I tend not bruise easily if at all.  I do consider this as a part of play that is edge play because serious damage could be done if it is not done correctly or without care for your partner.  I do however love when I do bruise and can feel it for the rest of the week and see the fruits of Sir’s labor.

Some instruments used for Impact Play are hands and fists, kicking, floggers and paddles which are of course used in various other forms of play but it is the intensity when using them that makes it Impact Play.  In my play it’s a steady rhythmic beating, building and building and intensifying as we go on.

When playing and going into this arena of play I find that I have to have a period of time to get my head straight with my partner, relaxing into him, relaxing my breathing and focusing on him before we start to play and we tend to build up rather than go full force out and out from the beginning.  Sir increases and decreases depending on where he knows that I am at and then pushes it to the level he wants me to be at.

I think the fact that I have to have a very special connection with my partner in order to go this far.  In my current relationship I believe our connection is so deep that he has taken me further then I have ever been and the experience each time after we first started playing has placed me in such a deep subspace that I literally can be beaten with any instrument and I just float, I feel as though I am on top of the world looking down at my body and my partner with a smile on my face swaying to some tune that is playing in my head.  Everything else drops away as each strike comes and becomes an expression of ecstasy.

Impact Play is generally the only type play (other than physically touching the genital area) that can make me come.  Again I think this comes because of our connection and that we can play so deeply and that he is in tune with my body but it sets off a reaction that somewhere deep in my mind that says this is hot, this is delicious, this makes you wet it’s time for you to come.  At first I thought it was a fluke because it’s not easy to make me come but as we continue to play more and specifically when he uses his hands as the instrument of torture I usually come and more than once.

Impact play for me is very freeing sometimes it’s like a very intense full body massage breaking the stress of the day, the week, the month.  I personally prefer when Sir uses his hands it makes it so much more personal and I believe strengthens our connection, however floggers and paddles can take me there as well.

bgtreasure is cofounder and conference organizer of Black BEAT Inc. (www.blackbeatinc.org), and cofounder of BESS (Baltimore Educational and Social Society). Bgtreasure has been involved in the BDSM lifestyle for over 9 years and has held various positions with other groups. Meeting people from all over and watching them share with others has truly been an eye opener for her. One of her proudest moments was (Black BEAT) winning the 2006 Pantheons Award for Small Event of the Year, and being nominated herself for the Pantheon regional award.  She enjoys networking with others and helping those new to the lifestyle. A submissive that enjoys many different aspects of this lifestyle, she is owned by Sir Mystical. Black BEAT is home for BG, her lifestyle accomplishments are commendable. She is also host along with Lady Z of Black BEAT’s Maryland Headquarters Munch Group.

She can be reached at bgtreasure@yahoo.com and on Yahoo and AIM messengers  and on fetlife under bgtreasure.

Photo by Luiza

Submissive Chat Night 1/12/10 8PM CST – BDSM Play

It’s time again for another chat night here at Submissive Guide. I’d welcome everyone to come on in Tuesday 1/12 for a bit of conversation. The topic is going to be BDSM Play. Anything and everything can be discussed. Please come with questions or a curiosity about different play activities.

Info

When: 1/12/10 8 PM CDT – 9:30 PM CDT

Where: Chat room on the website, or use an IRC Client

Topic: BDSM Play activities. All questions asked will be answered!

How to get to the Chat Room

The chat room is attached to this site under the link at the top, or you can click this link here.  It will ask for your nickname and then automatically connect you to the chat room. It is open all the time, so if you want to meet some people, hang out in there. I try to be there when I’m at my computer too.

If you use an IRC desktop client you can connect to the server directly. Here is the information you need to find the room:

Server: irc.mibbit.com
Port: 6667
Channel: #submissive-guide

Questions? Let me know. Otherwise I hope to see a lot of you there on Tuesday!

Let’s Play! BDSM Activities From a Submissive Viewpoint

One of every submissive’s first experiences happens to be in the bedroom or dungeon. That’s why this month I’d like to focus on the joys and pleasures of the things we can explore during scenes and play.

The next few weeks we’ll be hearing about a variety of BDSM activities. Just about every post is a guest post from readers like you! Here are some of the posts that I have coming up:

• Exploring Impact Play by bgtreasure
• Fireplay by Gwendolyn
• Caning by Nadia West
• Lactation Play by dani
• Rope Bondage by patricialynn
• A Beginner’s Look at play by The Beginner

I’m still looking for more guest posts for this series so if you are interested in writing about your favorite playtime activity, please contact me!

photo by erenemre

The Top 30 Posts of 2009

A year ago I started a small blog project called Submissive Guide. I wanted it to be an organized place where I could voice my opinions about submission, help novices discover who they are and explore BDSM through the written word. Since that time it has grown to so much more, including an e-book, a newsletter and video posts.

To celebrate one year of excellent writing I wanted to showcase the top 30 posts of 2009. I’ve noted in the link if the author was a guest post. Please take a look at what has had the most views since starting out one year ago. You may have missed a few gems!

1. What is slave training?
2. Rituals that Work
3. 2 Weeks to Better Submissive Positions
4. Best Submissive Blogslist
5. The Difference Between Bottom, Masochist, Submissive and Slave
6. 7 Things You Can Do Today to Improve Your Submission
7. Discovering Your Submissive Nature
8. How to Beg When Asked
9. Mapping Out Your Ideal Submission
10. A Great Example of a Slave’s Rosary
11. Learning To Kneel (from 2 Weeks to Better Submissive Positions)
12. The Importance of Rules
13. Beginning Your Training Resume
14. Dominance as a Slave Training Tool for Better Submission
15. Caring For Yourself After a Scene: Self-Aftercare
16. The BDSM Checklist That Will Really Help You
17. Offering Your Body for Service (from 2 Weeks to Better Submissive Positions)
18. What it Means to be an Owned Kajira by dina
19. The Nitty Gritty of the BDSM Lifestyle
20. 5 Ways to Recognize Topping from the Bottom
21. Another 7 Things You Can Do Today to Improve Your Submission
22. Your Bathing Regime
23. Where to Buy a Collar Online
24. The Importance of Journaling Your Submission
25. Pet Play and Human Pets Primer by skylerpet
26. The Realities of Online Submission
27. Two Dominants by Aria
28. Submission By Choice: Learned Submission
29. Sub Drop’s Emotional Side
30. 10 Helpful Websites for the Busy Submissive

Here’s to another year of great content!

Exploring BDSM in a Guest Post Feature Series

To herald in the New Year I have been able to collect guest posts from some of the best voices in submission to share with you what it’s like to explore and experience their favorite play activities. Over the next few weeks we will learn about flogging and caning, rope bondage and fire play and more!

If you have a favorite play activity and you’d like to share with the readers what it’s like, please let me know!

You have until January 18th to get me your contributions.

Are you an avid fan of a particular play activity? Would you write a short post about what you experience during the play time; from how it feels, how you respond, what it does to you emotionally and recovery. Sorry, no Dominant posts!

Some ideas for posts:

Spanking,  metal bondage, orgasm denial or come on command, watersports, play piercing/needle play, humiliation, adult babies and so much more. The sky is the limit.

Here’s what I need from you if you want to help:

• Send me an email (subguide@gmail.com) and let me know you want to write a post about _______ topic.
• Write the post. (At least 500 words and the submissive point of view)
• Write a 3-5 sentence bio with at least one way for people to find you online.
• Send me the finished post! I’ll review it and let you know when it will be posted.
• Enjoy the fame when it shows up on the blog!

Is BDSM the Nerds and Geeks Club?

I was listening to Mistress Matisse’s Guest Appearance the other day on the Savage Lovecast (Ep 163). She talks about a lot of kinky topics that callers ask Dan Savage. Somewhere near the end there was an interesting comment by Dan where he asked MM if nerds and geeks are more likely to be into BDSM. It was meant to be a joke, but in all truth, there has to be something to this as I’ve seen it myself.

Now maybe it’s because I’m more sensitive to seeing nerds and geeks, or should I say advanced intellectuals, being more into BDSM than other forms of sexuality. I am, after all a nerd myself and my Master is a geek. We get along better with nerdy and geeky friends than we do others because of the common topics that keep coming up.

So, I’ve had some time to give it some thought. Yes I think that BDSM attracts the advanced intellectuals, but it’s not an exclusive club by any means. Please allow me to explain and keep in mind there is a bit of tongue in cheek here. I don’t mean to offend anyone.

• Advanced intellectuals tend to have higher mental abilities. They can comprehend social and physical challenges at a rate faster than others. They have trained minds to do these computations in their heads. Philosophy, sociology and psychology are simple tactics for them. That may be why they can read  body language really well and can tweek at your mind in the most delicious ways.
• It is also common for advanced intellectuals to study and research things far more intensely than other types. When asked about electrical play for example, they can not only perform with precision they can talk about how the current plays out in certain situations better than others, the differences in amperage and voltage, how to make their own tens units and can draw schematics for the electrical torture devices of their dreams.  It is far more likely to have a deeply technical conversation with them.
• Advanced intellectuals are frequently online and tend to be the most prevalent sort in successful online communities. These people like to argue the terms, analyze the facts and give advice when none was asked for. The fountain of knowledge they harbor sometimes flows forth and what could be a one sentence answer to someone’s question becomes an 8 paragraph explanation about how that one sentence really isn’t enough.
• The advanced intellectuals have a desire to be very exact with their play. Rope bondage practitioners may be precise, require perfect wrapping and symmetry, perform 15 different knots or have 10 different ways to do the same thing. A cane aficionado may have a multitude of techniques perfected and just as many canes. They can produce just about any mark they desire or none at all.
• Advanced intellectuals generally have higher paying jobs than other folks and thus have more spending money for the things that please them. The cost of participating in BDSM is high and with a larger personal expense budget, these people tend to go for the best and most expensive of the equipment. Their dungeons are usually top notch, specialized in the kink that interests them most and it’s not unheard of for them to have 15 of one particular implement on the wall… all organized by sensation or material.

There are possibly dozens of reasons why the nerds and geeks among us are attracted to BDSM. If you can think of a reason, I’d love to hear it in the comments. And please, remember this is humorous post and is not meant to harm anyone.

The Ins and Outs of Fetishes

“I have a fetish for wool socks, I just love them!”

“I have a fetish for corsets, I can’t get off without thinking of them!”

One of these statements is a sure sign of a fetish; the other is a misuse of the term. Sure this is a poor example. How many times have you heard a  phrase like the first one in everyday speech? Not long ago the idea of having a fetish was taboo and now we use it as a casual obsession with something from foods to material items. There is no wonder that when it comes to real fetishes people are still in the dark as to understanding them.

What is a Fetish, Really?

Let’s use Wikipedia to give us a general definition, shall we?

Sexual fetishism, or erotic fetishism, is the sexual arousal brought on by any object, situation or body part not conventionally viewed as being sexual in nature. Sexual fetishism may be regarded, e.g. in psychiatric medicine, as a disorder of sexual preference or as an enhancing element to a relationship. The sexual acts involving fetishes are characteristically depersonalized and objectified, even when they involve a partner. Body parts may also be the subject of sexual fetishes (also known as partialism) in which the body part preferred by the fetishist takes a sexual precedence over the owner.

As we can see from the definition, a fetish is a sexual attachment to an inanimate object of body part. In many cases the fetishist can no achieve an erection or orgasm without the object being present or an active part in the act. This is not limited to men, so don’t get my use of words turned around. Women also can develop fetishes.

How Do Fetishes Develop?

There are several theories out there as to how a fetish develops. The classical theory is said to be that the object of fetishism and sexual stimulus are presented at the same time and thus through the learning process they get associated with each other. The learning process is not always during sexual exploration, but can happen early in childhood when what makes you feel happy is constantly the same thing. The sense of euphoria is then attached to that object and can transition into a more adult behavior once sexual maturity has been reached. For example, it may only be shiny skin that arouses a person at first, but in time more common stimuli, such as shiny latex, may have the same effect.

Other theories state that a fetish is gained through heredity or through psychological distress. I tend to believe that it is more the classical theory than any other. If you wish to read a bit on these other two theories you can do so on the Wikipedia article about Fetishism.

Are Fetishes Common?

Fetishes are relatively uncommon. They are more likely in heterosexual men than any other gender group.  That doesn’t mean you can’t develop a temporary fetish. Occasionally there is something that just turns me on about a certain object and I will fantasize about it for some time before it drops off my sexual radar, so to speak. During my high school and college career I was obsessed with anything phallic shaped, as are many women prior (and after) sexual initiation. I am not afflicted quite so much with phallic-fetishism. There is nothing harmful about a temporary fetish as long as you can engage in the fetish safely.

Some fetishes can not be acted out in a loving, healthy manner. A more grotesque fetish I have read about is necrophilia (sex with dead people). This is a fetish that is generally treated with psychotherapy and medication. There are several such fetishes that can harm a person or are detrimental to others if engaged in. You can explore those on your own if you wish to research them.

One of the most common fetishes has to do with feet. Foot worship is quite acceptable in the BDSM arena, but outside it most foot fetishists have to keep their desires hidden. Other foot fetishists have a love of shoes and high heels. One of my favorite blogs to read is Diary of a Long-Distance Sub (NSFW). The submissive has a growing collection of shoes for her Dominant to enjoy and most of the pictures she shares on her blog have her shoes showing prominently with a part of her sexual anatomy.  This is a healthy way to explore the fetish and is a good read.

10 Most Common Fetishes

1. Feet
2. High-heels and knee-high boots
3. Piercing
4. Silk, satin, leather or latex
5. Hands
6. Hair
7. Role playing: doctor, nurse etc.
8. Body parts like flat, tight tummy
9. Balloons
10. Finger-nails art

What else do you know about fetishes? Do you think you have one? Why or why not?

SkylerPet’s Helpful Holiday Hints

This post is another guest post by Skylerpet. You can read her other posts here. She’s wants to help us all get through the holidays with less stress. Here’s some tips to help you. If you have other tips for holiday stress, please leave them in the comments!

With the holiday season in full swing, things can get pretty hectic.  It seems like there’s always more things to do, a list left unfinished.  So I thought I’d share a few tips that I’ve learned over the years to make things go a little smoother.  As submissives it’s important for us to be able to get through these things with as few mishaps as possible, so that we may serve our Master’s better and insure their holidays are most enjoyable.

Around the house:

• Don’t be afraid to ask if guests will be bringing children.  If they are, make sure your home is child safe.  Put breakables up and out of the way, have plastic safety plugs in the electrical outlets, things of that nature.
• Have a place set aside for guests coats, such as a bedroom and a mat for shoes, if weather will be inclement, to keep your floor clean.  Don’t be afraid to put up a “please remove your shoes” sign for those who like to wear shoes inside.
• It’s perfectly okay to use paper plates, especially if they’re biodegradable.
• Make sure to have an extra roll of bathroom tissue and plenty of handsoap available in your bathroom.  Also, having an extra hand towel is not a bad idea. (Not your best ones either! They will be used a lot.)
• If you have your computer on, make sure it’s password protected so nosey relatives or curious children don’t find things they don’t need to.
• Make sure to use surge protectors when plugging in your Christmas tree lights.  Safety first!

In the kitchen:

• Buy your meat in bulk and separate it into 1 lb sections.  Freeze in freezer bags.
• Do a major cleanout of your fridge and cupboards a week or two ahead of time, so there’s room for leftovers.
• Make sure you know about any allergies and other dietary restrictions of your guests.
• Use whole wheat flour for baking.  It’s healthier, tastes better and bakes better.
• Make sure to accept offers for guests to bring dishes.
• Using generic brands is an okay thing.  It saves money and most of them taste the same as name brands.
• Frozen veggies and fruits are an excellent alternative to the fresh varieties.  They last longer, are cheaper and taste just the same.

Miscellaneous:

• Cut up and hemmed flannel shirts make excellent washable napkins.
• Use masking tape to put dates on leftovers you plan on freezing.  It’s easy to remove so you won’t have to cross it out on the Tupperware.
• Ground turkey is a lighter and usually cheaper alternative to ground beef.  The taste difference is not noticeable.
• Use different colored disposable cups for alcoholic versus non-alcoholic drinks.

Make sure to do something special for your Master! Something like a food dish that has special meaning to just you and Him could be subtle but still have meaning.

In the end, the holidays are about family.  And they’re going to understand that things can’t be perfect.  So if you have to put a pile of magazines behind the chair in the living room or use paper plates or if you don’t dust the top of the book cases, family is family and they will understand.

Skylerpet is a 24/7 submissive pup in her late 20’s. She has been into pet play since she discovered the D/s lifestyle and can be reached at: requiemskye@yahoo.com for emails and also YIM chat.

photo by mysza831

Chat Night Transcript for Speaking Submissively

This chat was held on December 2nd, 2009.

~lunaKM> So tonight I wanted to talk about speech and how the way we communicate can impact our submission.

Nia> tonight’s topic really struck a chord with me

angel> same here

~lunaKM> I’ve been doing a bit of non-scientific research of my own when I am out and about and am appalled at the way we talk to each other anymore.

~lunaKM> It’s like the care and respect for strangers no longer exists.

~lunaKM> But furthermore, how we talk to our family has also gone downhill.

~lunaKM> We can take our submissive nature (whether learned or natural) and use it to bring back grace and charm to conversation.

~lunaKM> You can feel free to chime in any time thoughts pop into your head, this is an open discussion.

angel> :)

angel> i didn’t want to interrupt

Nia> ty, luna

angel> i agree with you. i’ve notice how even friends in public speak to one another…

~lunaKM> I’d like to touch on gossiping, vulgarities, person bashing and docile speech with your partner

Nia> i concur…observing my and other’s speech at work shames me

angel> my Sir always tells me that you can speak about anything, but it’s how it’s presented that makes the difference

~lunaKM> Exactly and we can cover that first since you brought it up.

~lunaKM> What’s the difference between these to requests:

~lunaKM> a. I’m going to the store Sir.

~lunaKM> b. May I go to the store Sir?

angel> b is a request. a is telling/more aggressive

Nia> i see (a) as information and (b) as a request for permission

~lunaKM> You are both correct.

Nia> i think (a) would be appropriate only as a response to a question from my Mama as to where I am going?

~lunaKM> a was the more aggressive way to voice your need to go to the store.

angel> yes…i also like Nia’s (a) too :)

~lunaKM> :)

angel> i’ll have to admit, though, sometimes it’s hard

~lunaKM> With just a slight change we can turn our requests into questions or suggestions. Words that still give your Dominant the upper hand.

Nia> yes, i agree

~lunaKM> It’s totally hard, I struggle with it all the time.

angel> oh, good. it’s not just me

Nia> i have been away from my Mama for a year…we just got back together a few weeks ago and the transition is harder than i thought

angel> i’m in the same boat with you Nia. my relationship is long distance and i fall out of it at times

angel> the speech, i mean

~lunaKM> Ok, how about these two phrases…(I’m making them up as I go)

~lunaKM> a. The house needs to be repainted.

~lunaKM> b. I’m going to paint the house.

Nia> (a) is definitely more passive in tone

angel> (a) gives the Dominant a chance to respond either yes or no. (b) takes that way

Nia> however, (b) does mean that i am taking responsibility for this chore

~lunaKM> A allows a dialog to be opened up and the Dominant to make decisions.

~lunaKM> If it is your responsiblity to maintain the outside of the house, sure it might be okay, but a cost incurred for doing so may not be.

Nia> (b) does take the risk of offending your Domme

~lunaKM> It sure does

angel> i agree

~lunaKM> Speaking passively is a safer route to take when talking directly to your Dominant.

~lunaKM> Of course it’s something that comes naturally.

Nia> do you feel that it would be the same at home as in public?

~lunaKM> Nia, do you mean in conversations with your Dominant or with everyone?

Nia> with everyone, my Mama and i work together

~lunaKM> There are always occasions where passive speech just will not work

~lunaKM> Times where authority or responsibility is necessary to claim in order to make your point. But in a relationship where your submission is on display, it’s better to be subordinant in speech as well as deed.

~lunaKM> And of course this won’t work for everyone in every relationship.

angel> i think it’s the Dominant who sets the tone as well. sometimes He/She will allow you to take more verbal control of a situation. but i agree in a D/s setting it’s safer to be softer in speech

~lunaKM> My Master hates it when I say, “Whatever you’d like” (being passive) He wants to know my opinion before making decisions and giving him no options frustrates the living daylights out of him.

Nia> i am a switch and also have a sub boi, so i have to change up several times a day

angel> that’s interesting Nia. is your boi with you while you are with your Domme?

Nia> “whatever you like” drives me crazy too, i try to make suggestions, but leave it up to my Mama to set my priorities each day

Nia> so i want to learn how to keep things transparent with my speech, to emphasize my status with each of them in a non-violent manner

angel> i imagine that it is tough to switch verbal gears in that situation. i find it hard to do coming from work :) i try to stop and think of who i am speaking to (my Sir) before responding.

~lunaKM> So you could get really good with switching from passive to active speech. Set it up to an artform!

Nia> and i have 2 teenage daughters who are finding themselves…menopause on top of all of that! whew!

~lunaKM> lol, quite a handful

angel> lol..tough all the way around

~lunaKM> So, how about we move in to gossiping

~lunaKM> What do you feel about gossip?

angel> it’s a fine line between gossiping and sharing

Nia> it’s funny that when my co-workers are gossiping and i’m not, they seem to feel threatened…that i think i’m better than them by refusing to join the conversation

~lunaKM> I think a lot of gossiping is unrequested information about someone else. I used to be a huge gossip girl.

Nia> but i feel that gossip is usually more about the person who is gossiping

~lunaKM> I’d term that as bragging Nia

angel> how did you stop yourself from gossiping, luna?

Nia> not really, i don’t think that i am better than them…they just think that

Nia> yes, how did you stop, luna?

~lunaKM> Well, It wasn’t easy really. I decided that if the information wasn’t about me, that I had no right to share it.

angel> didn’t you feel like you would explode?

angel> :)

~lunaKM> So no matter how badly I wanted to talk about what happened at the party, etc, if it wasn’t me then it wasn’t my story.

Nia> true that

~lunaKM> At first I did feel that way; then I realized that I was not showing myself in a good light if I could simply talk about everyone else without a care for their thoughts.

angel> hmmm…makes perfect sense.

~lunaKM> I now get so many people wanting to share themselves with me because they know I will guard their trust

Nia> how do you keep from getting drawn into the gossip of others?

~lunaKM> And that really is more important.

~lunaKM> Well, I tend to shut gossip down pretty fast. I just tell them that I won’t talk about people that aren’t part of the conversation since we could be getting the facts wrong.

Nia> excellent point and idea

angel> yes, that is a good statement to use-it’s not harsh but puts a spin on it that others may not get the facts right either

~lunaKM> I’ve had to counter that once when someone kept going and asked them why they felt the need to talk about something that could hurt someone else’s reputation/feelings.

~lunaKM> I’ve wanted to say, ‘Is your life really that boring that we have to talk about other people?’

Nia> there are always 2 sides to every story…sometimes more

~lunaKM smirks

Nia> bravo

angel> :)

~lunaKM> I mean gossip is meant to puff up the person gossiping and tear down the person they are talking about, is it not?

Nia> there is so much that i can share about myself and listening to others sharing about themselves…why bring 3rd parties into it?

~lunaKM> So why do they need that inflated ego?

angel> good points

Nia> cursing, or as you called it “vulgarities”, is a character defect i am really struggling with now

Nia> any advice?

~lunaKM> Well, don’t laugh but I make up words instead of using curse words.

~lunaKM> So Jesus Christ has always been jimminey cricket

angel> i have to admit, the only time i do curse is during “relations”. i guess that’s not good either

angel> lol..cute luna

~lunaKM> lol, I can curse all I want during play/sex… it’s a turn on for both of us

Nia> lol…sorry i had to laugh :)

~lunaKM> That’s okay, sometimes Master repeats the word and I realize just how silly it sounds, but it keeps me from getting in trouble for cursing

Nia> for me it more about controlling my speech when i am angry/frustrated…the words just jump out before i can edit them

~lunaKM> Ah well that’s just as hard.

~lunaKM> The only thing for that is tempering…. mental counting before expressing your anger or frustration.

~lunaKM> It’s not something I’m good at yet (thus the fake curse words)

Nia> my Mama just gives a look, and i feel so ashamed

angel> good advice. taking a deep breath. think jimminey cricket

~lunaKM> lol

Nia> hehe

~lunaKM> the one that Master hates is when he says Son of a.. and I finish it with beehive!

angel> LOL

Nia> my youngest daughter charges me a quarter, fifty cents on sundays…i think i’ve paid for her college tuition this year

~lunaKM> that’s a good incentive if it makes a difference, although if you’ve paid tuition then it must not be so good.

angel> lol…money usually works. at least it benefits someone

Nia> well, i yell a lot during football games

Nia> but seriously, i realize how verbally abusive i can be, and want to change

~lunaKM> This is something that you can work on with your Dominant if you ask for help.

angel> maybe if you picture the look from your Mama before you say it, it will help you to cut down on it.

~lunaKM> Of course it’s going to be hard, but if you want to change and it’s a positive thing I don’t see why she wouldn’t help.

Nia> wow, i’ve never even asked for her help….thanks for the suggestions angel & luna

angel> :)

~lunaKM smiles. Sometimes it take someone else to point out the obvious.

~lunaKM> Are we ready for the last point I want to cover tonight?

angel> sure

Nia> yes

~lunaKM> I’ve seen this a lot on online forums and communities

~lunaKM> person/dominant bashing

Nia> ah, i’ve seen this a lot too

~lunaKM> In generalities it’s when someone says that someone isn’t a good Dominant based on one sided conversation, or that you aren’t a true submissive because of x, y and z. Essentially bashing teh person without all the facts.

~lunaKM> In an online community it is almost impossible to know exactly what is going on with someone when they write just as soon as they experience hurt or anger or fear. That isn’t the time to write, but so many do and it starts damaging the reputation of someone else.

angel> i’ve seen that a lot too

Nia> i understand the need to vent, but damaging the reputation of your Dominant isn’t going to help anything

~lunaKM> I tend to steer clear of these sorts of threads except to say that we don’t know the other person’s side or to recommend that the person reflect on the issue after the intense feelings have faded and they may see it in another light.

angel> good point, Nia. sometimes you do need to vent and for some, the online community is all they have. but, maybe it should be with a online friend and not a thread

angel> i wish everyone responded that way, luna :)

Nia> yes, being discrete should come first

Nia> or i wish that they could relate just their side without all of the damaging details (Dominant’s name, etc.)

~lunaKM> I agree

Nia> a saying in recovery programs is “if i am not the problem, there is no solution”

~lunaKM> I think that in those situations they aren’t seeing what THEY did wrong, only what is bothering them from the other person.

angel> exactly

~lunaKM> heh, that’s just about what I said

Nia> yeah, all i read in those posts is an invitation to a pity party

~lunaKM> no kidding and I never accept those invites.

angel> same here

~lunaKM> They are usually closed off to advice that doesn’t support their anger or frustration either.

angel> never thought of it that way, but that’s true

___

Do you have anything else to add? What are your thoughts?

photo by katie teqtmeyer

Can You Separate BDSM and Sex?

When Master and I get to play, it’s quite sexually charged. We find the play and the energy we swap as very sexual. Our play time usually ends in sex of some form. That’s just how we roll. Does it always have to be that way? Heck no! In fact, when I was casually playing, there was no sex at all.

But can you really separate the sex from BDSM? You have to admit that much of what we do during play time is rooted in sexual pleasure and sensation. Even if you are never touched sexually you can achieve orgasm. Does this make it sex or BDSM?

My first kinky experiences were purely sexual and yet I can and have separated the idea  of sex from BDSM. I’m not exactly sure how it happened. Perhaps it could have been necessity. I was casually seeing people when I started exploring. I know that sex was special and important to a relationship; a relationship I wasn’t kindling with any of these partners.

What really comes down to it for you and each partner you have is how you define sex. For myself and the casual partners, sex was any form of penetration. For Master and myself that definition is more inclusive of everything we do.

I recommend that you have a discussion with your partner as a part of negotiation for the first play session that you define what sex is and if it’s a welcome part of your play. I’ve talked about negotiations before so I’m not going to get into the depth of it, but it is a very important part of a new relationship and can be important in well established ones too in certain situations.

So much of what we do is sexual because that is how most of us first explore our kinky side. It’s not uncommon for all of us to start out with the tentative sensations during sex and keep our new side hidden behind bedroom doors. This association alone could lead to your understanding that BDSM is the same as sex.

It doesn’t have to be. If you have been to any variety of play parties you will see a wide variety of play styles. Most parties have rules regarding sexual play. Some won’t allow any at all. Yet you will still see people enjoying themselves and having a good time.

Should you separate BDSM and Sex? That’s completely up to you; but as I’ve said previously there are reasons to do so and there are just as valid reasons not to. BDSM play tends to be just as intimate as sex, sometimes moreso. This is a decision that you should make for yourself while you are still searching for your Dominant or play partner. Stick to what you decide.  Your future intimacy depends on your decisions now.

So, what about you? Can you separate sex from BDSM?

Other Thoughts on BDSM and Sex

• Our chat discussion transcript from 8/25/09 on this very topic
• Is BDSM Sexual?
• BDSM vs. Kink

What are Dress Protocols?

I had a question sent to me via YouTube asking me about for information about dress protocols. I can only tell you what I am familiar with, so be aware that there are many many other forms of dress protocols and just as many (if not more) reasons behind them. I’m going to assume that the person who asked me wants to understand rules and protocols, not just special occasions where protocol may be in place.

Let’s start out with a refresher of what a rule is in comparison with a protocol. A rule is something that often a spoken or written direction for behavior and generally applies all the time. A protocol, as I understand it, is a set of nonverbal rules for specific purposes and occasions. A dress protocol for a wedding is different than that for a funeral, right? No one has to tell you that you should dress a certain way; it’s an unspoken rule. In BDSM situations, it is possible to have the protocol of a group or function written out and agreed to before you can attend. This is a higher form of rules that apply to just that event or group.

Now, moving on to dress rules and protocols.

A dress protocol is established by a Dominant as the way a submissive is to present themselves for any specific situation. These can be basic grooming habits to very precise details to what to wear to dinner or bed. A lot of times these are the first rules established in a relationship. These can start out as directions for when and what to keep shaved, how to care for your hair, or if you can wear panties or not.

The first rule I had was that I was not allowed to cut my hair. My Dominant likes my hair a certain length and I could only get it trimmed with permission, but never cut more than a certain amount. My hairstylist has adjusted to the change and will ask me now how much I can cut off safely before my boyfriend gets upset. The one to follow directly after that was shaving rules.

Now each Dominant has preferences for clothing and grooming. These are very outward symbols of ownership when followed and adhered to. Dominants can use these protocols to build body image or cause humilation or embarrasment. It could very well just be a Dominant’s preference.

In the case of a party, for instance, there may be a protocol that you must attend in fetish wear and that in order to get in you have to dress a certain way. This is intentional; to keep nosey vanilla people out and to strengthen the sexual and sensual vibe in the party venue.  You may very well have clothing and grooming requirements for your private play too. If your Dominant requires you to have an enema and to paint your nails red, this is part of your play protocol. This can take on very different meanings for each couple.

Below is a short list of the dress rules and protocols that I can come up with. I welcome you to include your own in the comments.

• Shaving the genital area
• Maintaining a certain hairstyle
• Wearing or not wearing makeup
• Wearing undergarments
• Requirements for high heeled shoes
• Allowances to wear pants or dresses
• Having manicures and pedicures
• Only certain colors of clothing
• Accessiblity in clothing
• Wearing insertables
• Presenting in private completely nude
• When to wear the collar
• Allowances for jewelry
• etc…

What do you have for dress protocol? Do you wear a uniform of some sort? Share your rules in the comments!

photo by Alaskan Dude

Sub v. Slave: A Second Opinion

This is a guest post by Beth, as she will tell you, she’s a 24/7 slave of 2 years and would like to express what she sees as the differences between sub and slave. If you would like to read Rayne’s opinion, you can do so on this post.

First off I would like to introduce myself. I’m Beth, or as some may know of me as jjsslave on fetlife.com. I’m also jajsslave on Twitter. I am a 24/7 collared slave and have lived with my Master for going on 2 years now. Well, by the time this is posted it will be 2 years. Ive been in the lifestyle for 7 years and have came a long way. I  have learned many lessons along the way, all which have shaped me into what I am today. The biggest lesson I learned early on was during my first encounter with my Master. It was the importance of not telling too much online to others and that you should guard yourself against the preditors out there. There are good guys out there. Ive been lucky enough to find one, however there are many scary people out there.

To me there is quite a difference between being submissive and a slave. I think it would be easier for me to start on the submissive side. In my 7 years in the lifestyle I started out as a sub. I really feel that until the past 2 years I remained a sub.  With that being said, I had more options in life, at least in my mind. A submissive retains the power over themselves and their body. Many are not going to agree with me on this. I don’t feel that discipline, true discipline should be put in place with a sub. ”Play” or “scene” discipline is one thing but actually discipline where corporal punishments, writings and corner times for example are put in place, I feel are completely off base. If a submissive still has power over themselves then how can they really mess up to the point of punishment outside of play. Slaves on the other hand, particularly those who live it 24/7 sometimes need punishment just for the sake of training, being kept in line and as a reminder of their place.

I had considered myself a slave before moving in with Master, yet I don’t think it was until he assigned me to look up the terms submissive and slave that I truly realized the differences. Unfortunately Ive lost that writing, but the idea is still in my mind. Hmm, this is consensual slavery right??? Then why is it that even though the door is there I can’t imagine walking out and never coming back? A slave has one option for the most point. Obey or leave!! Do i have the options of telling Master “no”?? Not if i want to continue to stay with Him. This brings me to another point, limits. Submissives often have soft and hard limits and can enforce them or use them at will. Not saying that is a bad thing, it gives the person that little extra protection over their body and mind. On the other side of things I feel a slave doesn’t quite have the same rights when it comes to limits. I feel a slave should take on the limits of their Master. If a slave has a hard limit well.. i guess that could be discussed and taken into consideration but ultimately the decision lays with the Master on if the slave is allowed to have that limit. Communication is a must.

While these are just a few examples of the thoughts floating around in my head, I feel these are the more important ones.  This is a very heated topic where I don’t feel anyone will ever agree. The bottom line is that there is no one way to live the lifestyle and that goes for submissives and slaves alike. One of the most important qualities anyone in this lifestyle can have is respect.  Respect for others and how they enjoy and live in the BDSM lifestyles. The good news is, those who live this lifestyle are generally accepting of everyone else’s choices on how to live this life.

I would like to thank LunaKM for giving me the opportunity to write this. I look forward to possibly doing more writing in the future as i really enjoyed doing this.

Beth is a 24/7 collared slave and have lived with her Master for going on 2 years now and in the lifestyle for 7 years. You can contact her on FetLife or Twitter.

Post photo by Purple Sea Donkey

One month into my first real time D/S relationship: A Training Review

This is a Guest Post by A. She is a new submissive in her first 24/7 dynamic. I received this wonderfully written review of her first 30 days and she offered to share it with everyone here. Enjoy!

It has come to my attention after reading submissiveguide.com that my training with Sir has already begun, though not outright labeled as such.  Indeed, every relationship I have ever had has begun in this way, learning the likes and dislikes of my partner and trying to accommodate, but with Him, I am more aware of this process, as it is more deliberate.  At the outset, on the day of our first meeting, he instructed me to wear a black dress, and sit in the park reading and await Him.  I am validated to read in Luna’s writing that my concern over my appearance, and also trying to be peaceful, not fidget and patient was already a positive in the direction of desired qualities in a submissive.  Since that day, we have grown together in many ways, and the ways in which I have learned to please Him are outlined below.  I plan to update this list periodically, to track the ways in which I deepen my submission, the ways in which my wants and needs evolve and dovetail with His.

Speech:

Sir:
Use of the word Sir was discussed online, before we had even initially met.  He indicated I could call Him whatever I wished, but desired Sir for intimate moments.  As we grew closer, it applied whenever He was asserting His dominance, be it out in public, online or on the phone and I show my acceptance and submission with the honorific response.

Thank you:
At various times I have been corrected for not thanking Him for the orgasm He allowed me to have.  I have begun to thank Him for blows He gives me in certain contexts, He has not commented either way on this, or corrected when I do not.

Wording:
When I removed His shoes, I asked if He would like to keep His socks or not.  This is something I am still trying to work on, my natural way of speaking is to ask “can I?”  but I am well aware “may I” is more appropriate.  Sir does not comment on this, but I feel it is more respectful, and I’m frustrated with myself at each error.

Enunciation:
Another flaw of mine is that in the course of being together, when I am excited, I often forget the appropriate response of “yes Sir, no Sir” and may make a moaning sort of affirmation or denial. His tone changes immediately as he demands the proper response and I know I run the risk of displeasing Him should I not enunciate properly.

Positions:

Spanking:
Sir is particular about positions and protocol.  When I am to be spanked, I am to kneel and bend over with my face flat, shoulders to the bed, and present myself.  He prefers my back to be straight, which is difficult for me, as my natural tendency is to reverse arch my back.  As I am punished, I am most often allowed to cry out, but not to move.  If I flinch, I am to return to the instructed position immediately without hesitation.  If I am to stand and be punished, I must brace myself stiff armed on a designated piece of furniture, slightly bent, head down.

Undressing:
I am just now beginning to learn how to undress for Sir. I feel a bit silly, but the lingerie I wear for Him helps. So far He has only specified me to remove my panties while facing away from Him, slightly bent over.  Beyond that He has only asked that I please Him with my removal of my clothes, and I try to be creative and pleasing in the process.

Waiting to Serve Sexually:
When Sir decides He wishes to use me I am ordered to get on the bed, on my back, legs spread open and knees up, so He can gaze at me exposed while He readies Himself to enter me.  Often I will casually hold this position, while writhing a bit, gazing at Him to allow Him to feel my passion and desire, and my hunger. Occasionally He will correct me and tell me to be still, but generally He enjoys my arousal and encourages me to exhibit these feelings.

From the Rear:
As one of Sir’s favorite ways to have me, positioning for rear entry is very important.  He prefers a similar position to that of spanking, with more of a reverse lean so as to better accommodate His thrusts.

Rituals and Behavior:

Morning Check In:
Each day when I get up, I am to write to Him, tell Him my plans for the day, and say hello. Sometimes He responds with additional commands, which may include meditating on a certain subject, writing, masturbation or explicit instructions to abstain from that. Other times He responds with a brief “good morning my sweet girl.” Other times He does not respond at all. The initial contact on my part is the focus, and allows me to show that in waking up to start my day, He is in my first thoughts.

Shoes:
My first actual training occurred when we reached my home our first day together.  Sir sat on my couch, and took one of the pillows, placing it at His feet, He instructed me to kneel and remove His shoes.  He informed me at that time that His women do not kneel on the floor, only on pillows, and so I learned my first lesson. Now, unless we are in a rush, I kneel at His feet and put on and remove His shoes.

Worship:
In removing or putting on of shoes, I always kiss the tops of His feet.  Once the shoes are off or on respectively, from my kneeling position I wrap my arms around His calves, and press my head down softly on His lap. He then bends at the waist, and embraces me and we hold that moment.  In this way, I show my devotion and love, and He shows His acceptance and reciprocation.

Sir also requires certain ways of being touched, especially after intercourse.  He prefers His chest to be stroked and will directly request it.

Massage:
Due to injury, regular massage is very beneficial to Him, so often I do massage His muscles for Him, both solicited and unsolicited.  As I do these things for Him, I try to focus on the feelings I have for Him, all I appreciate that He does for me, and allow that warmth and tenderness to radiate through my hands.  This is to me, one of the highest forms of worship and a deep communion between us.

Fetching:
I have the natural desire, when fetching something for Him, to kneel and present the item with both hands upon my return. Sir has expressed appreciation for this, and thus I adopt it.

Toys:
Sir introduces all toys and equipment by either presenting it to me or instructing me to fetch it for Him. He then presents it to my lips and I kiss it, typically a flogger, rope or a slapper, though a blindfold or other bondage instruments, hair brush, etc, are managed similarly.

When Sir is finished with the toy, or when I am cleaning up the room afterward, I am to take the toy to the closet where it is kept, and hang it very deliberately in its designated spot. I stop the swaying with my hands, then bend at the waist to kiss the item, as He watches.  He then closes the closet door.

Presentation:
Sir prefers that the condom box be displayed in my room, with one always set on top, ready and anticipating His need.

Orgasm Control:
Sir has decreed that I may not orgasm without His permission.  As I feel it build, I am to ask, and if He says no, resist it.  This has been my sole punishable infraction to date, as the way in which He was having me made it next to impossible to resist, and in complete honesty, I wanted to see what would happen.  Since that time though, with punishment looming over my head, I improved a great deal, and even redeemed myself, forgiven and excused from the punishment.  Sir has been pleased to the point where He has moved on to orgasm on command.

Orgasm on Command:
Sir employs both the counting method and basic instruction for orgasm on command training and only during sex, which makes it easier for me.  He wishes to lessen my response time however.  I myself would like to be trained by Sir to orgasm independent of sexual stimulation; i.e. a simple word can trigger that response but that is at His discretion.

Clothing:
Usually He does not request specific items of clothing to be worn, but generally I ask when planning to see Him, what He would like for me to wear. As we are still in the beginnings of our relationship, He is not 100% familiar with my wardrobe, but I do my best to accommodate His requests.

Personal Grooming:
Sir often does request specific hair styles of me, and I do my best to please Him in this way. Also, He prefers me to have pubic hair, which I have always removed. Growing out and getting used to this hair has been challenging for me, but His pleasure in knowing it is difficult but seeing that I obey nonetheless makes it a rewarding task.

A is a submissive from Boston MA.  She has experienced elements of BDSM in the past, but is now embarking on her first 24×7 collared relationship.  She happily shares her progress with others who may be inspired in a similar manner. You can find her on FetLife as northern_siren.

Photo by and of A.

5 Ways to Express Your Gratitude to Your Dominant

With Thanksgiving (USA) just around the corner I thought it would be fitting to write about gratitude, and how to express your gratitude to the one you serve. Sure you can say thank you. That’s standard. I really hope you take every opportunity to say thank  you, but what if you want a few more creative ways to show how appreciative you are to your Dominant?

Being thankful can take on many forms, and each time we feel that sensation of gratitude well up we can use a different display of appreciation. For example, thanking your Dominant for giving you an orgasm will be treated differently than if you are grateful that hold the power in your life. Orgasm gratitude is usually expressed immediately after while you may take awhile to express your feelings for the later.

Take a moment and come up with some things you are grateful in your life that you may not have had before you were in a relationship with your Dominant. How important are they to your development and your overall happiness? When was the last time you showed your appreciation for these things? Is it about time you did?

So, what ideas do you have for expressing yourself? They can be simple or elaborate, as long as they are your own. Make it honest and full of your service.

Offer

The first idea is to offer a service that you don’t normally do. It can be anything. Give a massage, bathe their feet, sexual service that you don’t pine after (for me that’s analingus). Be a foot stool, be their tax preparer. Anything that would just make their day and surprises them would fit the bill. Just remember to make it a part of yourself. Offering to pay for them to attend a salon is not the same thing, as offering yourself for a day of pampering.

Create

This idea isn’t about making something, but setting a mood. If you know your Dominant is going to coming home from a stressful day, it would be as simple as soft lights and maybe candles to help them relax and shed the outside world. Making sure the home is picked up and inviting can bring a lot of emotion attached to it. It not only shows that you care for the household possessions, but also how it makes people feel when they enter.

You can also create an atmosphere appropriate for whatever may be planned. If play is on the menu, then neatly prepare your play space. If dinner is the order of the day, setting the table as if you are in a fine restaurant can show your appreciation for a number of things.

Do

Take an idea from online for a ritual that you don’t do. Perhaps it can be kneeling and then lowering your face cheek to cheek to the floor in submission or kneeling when you bring their drink. Adding that bit of focused attention is a pleasant surprise to a Dominant and shows them that you care for how you present your submission. There is any number of things you can do in this vein. From a specific way you adopt to disrobe, to how you reply to requests in a set format. It’s not just up to the Dominant to add ritual and intensity to the relationship. Volunteering these simple steps will tell them that you thank them for the opportunity to serve them.

Make

Sure it’s quite easy to go to the store and purchase something for them, but when was the last time you made something for them? You don’t have to learn anything or have specific skills. Make a special dinner or dessert, write a card or poem, put together a photo album or mosaic. Something homemade has more meaning than a purchased item.

Coming up next week I’ll share ideas of what to give a Dominant, until then use your imagination!

Rededicate

Ultimately, this should only be done if you are really ready to deepen your relationship or there has been a lapse in the dynamic that you wish to try to repair. Again, the ritual that this involves can be simple to elaborate so let your mind develop what would work for you. Even just setting aside time to talk about how you wish to submit and offering that over voluntarily expresses how you love the relationship and what they do for you. Again, you don’t have to wait for the Dominant to tell you to create a ritual or process for doing something. I’ve gained so many rituals just by starting it and having him say he really likes it.

If you have gotten lazy in your rules, start really digging in and doing them before you get in trouble. Don’t let their distraction sway you. You want to serve, that’s why you are in this relationship so serve. Your submission just might deepen their Dominance and the rededication can you an exchange, just as it should be.

Lastly, remember to say thank you when you do these things. Make it about them. We take too much for granted anymore. Don’t let your relationship become one of those things. Relationships build because we work at them, show how much you appreciate everything they do and you will also reap the rewards.

How do you show your gratitude to your Dominant?

photo by FernR

Submissive and Slave: A Personal View

This post was written by Rayne. You can follow her twitter for active and interesting conversation.

I’m pretty big on book definitions. So for me, the word “submissive” has always been an adjective describing a personality trait. When I got involved in BDSM, it became, for me, a heading, of sorts, describing a group of people.

Under the heading of submissive, there are three main labels I – and others – use to describe the bottom half of the totem pole in BDSM relationships. Generally speaking, each label delineates a level of submission. How much control the person has given to their dominant. Because there is no set standard (How could there be?) of how much or how little submission one must give to be considered submissive, we instead give the different levels of submission names to aid in communication. A way of getting an idea of how much or how little control the submissive is willing to give up without having to get to know them.

In the grand scheme of things, one is not better than the other, except for the person in question. They’re just different.

Generally speaking, we call someone who is only submissive in the bedroom or at play parties and such a bottom. They are not interested in giving up total control. They enjoy being dominated sexually – or sometimes just being bound and hurt without involving sex at all – but really have no interest in being controlled on a regular basis. This group of submissive people leaves their submission at the door of their play space.

A lot of people start out here. Being the bottom of a scene is often a gateway. A place where people discover deeper, more submissive desires. I was a bottom before I was a sub and sub before slave. A lot of submissive people I know followed that progression. Not everyone, though.

People occasionally shorten “submissive” when specifically discussing this next group to avoid confusion. It’s a running joke, in the community, that a “sub” is a sandwich, and you’ll occasionally hear people talking about wanting roast beef and provolone on theirs. But since the first day M dragged me onto IRC, using “sub” has been my way of making it clear I am talking about this particular level of submission and not submissive people as a whole.

So what’s a sub? That’s where it gets tricky. Because the line between sub and slave is rather fine and blurs a lot. People often use “submissive” and “slave” interchangeably. But they are not the same thing.

A sub is someone who still retains some control, but is in service to someone else. They have the right to say no and walk away at any time. They have a safe word. They have limits. They’re not owned.

An article I read recently described it best when it said “A submissive is a volunteer. A slave is not.”

A slave is owned. That’s probably the only constant. Some slaves have safe words. Some do not. Some slaves have negotiated limits. Some do not. Some slaves have submissive personalities. Some are only submissive with the one who owns them. Some slaves have given up their right to leave, or consented to having it taken from them. Some retain the right to walk out the door whenever they choose.

Legally, we all have that right. Some of us just choose not to acknowledge it.

In my perfect world, a slave is someone without limits or safe words. A slave is someone who opens himself or herself completely to his or her owner. Complete transparency. Total power exchange. He or she doesn’t have a choice.

But in my reality, it’s illegal to own another human being. Some states don’t recognize consent. In the interest of keeping the owner out of prison, the submissive is allowed to negotiate the rules. Even I can’t or don’t always live up to my perfect world. So it doesn’t surprise me that others don’t, can’t or aren’t interested.

Some say the difference between a submissive and a slave has nothing whatever to do with how much control one gives up or how submissive one is. That it’s in one’s actions. In the way the slave obeys without question or hesitation. In the respect in the slave’s voice when he or she speaks with his or her owner. In the way the slave knows what the owner needs almost before the owner does. But I’ve known some submissives to show their dominants more respect than some slaves show their owners.

A submissive is someone who submits willingly, sometimes on a case by case basis, to the will of another. A slave is someone who is wholly controlled and owned by another. That’s really the sum of it.

Rayne is a loving slave with sadistic tendencies and masochistic desires. Chaos incarnate. The girl your mother warned you about.  She writes toy reviews and blogs about being a 24/7 medium protocol slave to her husband Melen at Insatiable Desire (http://www.insatiabledesire.com/), along with four other bloggers involved in the lifestyle.  She also guest write a series that is a basic look at M/s at Eden Cafe (http://www.edencafe.com/) with a number of other authors who write about various sex-positive subjects.

photo by BL1961