Am I Submissive?

So, you want me to tell you how you can tell if you are submissive or not? Asking someone else if you are submissive is like asking a blind man what color your dress is. Is there some magical online quiz that can say whether you are submissive or slave? Unfortunately no and I don’t think I’d listen to the results of one if it existed either. Submission isn’t something you can find in a self-help book or a therapist. Submission is a calling.

No, not the same kind of calling that religion speaks about; but similar. Some people find submission to be a natural way to live; something that comes to them easily and simply. To be a natural submissive means you have something innate and inherent in them that disposes them to submission.  Others have to learn about submission step by step. I’ve written about my own experiences with learning submission in the post Submission by Choice. When you feel inside that you are happiest when submitting, that’s when you know you’re submissive. There is no secret to it.

Hearing your inner voice tends to be the hardest thing. You’ve probably come to this post because either someone said you are submissive and you want to know more or you’ve heard that inner voice and you are curious about what it means. Hopefully you will leave here with some understanding of submission and how you know if you are submissive or not.

It will take soul searching, no doubt about that. Trust me when I say that you can not become submissive if you do not have the basic inclination to serve and the emotional pleasure of being available to serve. Once you have that, you are well on your way to knowing you are submissive.

Let’s take a look at the following four spaces to help you figure out if you are submissive. Apply them however they will work for your own personal situation.

Knowing you are submissive will have a mental aspect to it. When you think of serving others does it put you in a peaceful position? If it feels like the logical thing to do then it probably is. When I found that I was happy being submissive I stopped fighting myself and accepted being happy.

You may also have a spiritual connection to submission. I’ve often described my connectedness to my Dominant as being in prayer. I feel a higher power sort of connection when I please him. You may have an overall sense of bliss or complete happiness thinking about or participating in service.

Connecting to submissive can have an emotional response as well. You may cry uncontrollably, or smile so hard and so often that your cheeks hurt. There is a clear sign that you are submissive when you can look upon being of service to someone else and your heart aches with need. Your emotional response is usually the strongest response to submissive stimulus that you will be able to experience.

Lastly when you are submissive you will develop a physical response to Dominance exerted at or near you. For many this is sexual excitement but it could also be a need to physically get up and do something to bring your closer to that Dominance. I’ve had moments that only felt perfect when I listened to the primal urge to kneel or kiss his hand or do something to serve him.

Feeling all of these things at one time or another usually means you have a submissive mindset. It may not happen all the time, but the moments that do you should try to feed it. Develop a service you can provide someone else, volunteer in your community and certainly, if you can explore a relationship with Dominance and submission at its core. You may find the calling you were hearing was one thing or another… or all of the above. Only you can know if submission is the right direction for you.

photo by doug88888

Review: Different Loving

Today’s BDSM lifestyle practicioners thrive on real experiences to help them learn and grow within thier own personal choices. Many books written for the beginner are not so filled with real life stories as Different Loving. I chose to review this book here because I know I learned more about myself and what I wanted to be involved in than any basic ‘this is BDSM’ book I had read previously.

Different Loving by Gloria Brahme, William Brahme and Jon Jacobs is yet another book recommended for the BDSM beginner, but not one that I would recommend as a first book. Yes, it is a fantastic resource for those wanting to know what people within the scene really think about differnet activities and aspects of BDSM. Because the reading is more textbook in format with profiles and extensive interviews, it may not be as friendly to read as some other recommended reading.

When you flip through the book, the first think you may notice that unlike other beginning BDSM books, there are no pictures. This is an educational view on D/s pure and simple. Broken into seven sections to focus on different aspects of BDSM such as the relationship, SM, body modification, gender lines, fetishism and watersports. Each section has interviews and uses quotes intensively to discuss each idea or activity. You get to know real people and learn BDSM away from the fantasy of it.  Every section has a definition of the activities described and wonderful supporting information. Interviews follow with profiles of people participating in the activity or practice. You get a feel for what happens and some clever stories of scenes and people’s lives.

The history of the activities is researched and shared so that we can find a beginning point for human desire and sexual curiosity. I especially appreciate the beginning chapters on the history of D/s and BDSM from Victorian roots. The authors describe the methods, physchological bases and the history of each activity as you learn from several hundred interviews throughout the book that you are not alone in your explorations.

Buy Different Loving: The World of Sexual Dominance and Submission

Should You Tell Your Friends about Your Kinky Interests?

Approaching your friends with something as private and sensitive as your sexual interests or lifestyle ideas maybe a decision you have to make sooner or later the further you get into your kinky habits. Your friends are your support system in all other ways of your life, but are they able to handle the new information you are thinking about giving them? Can you live with yourself if you lose said friend because they think you are too ‘out there’?

These are valid questions to think about before you go broaching the subject on your next phone call or visit. Wrestling inside with the new feelings and experiences that you are exploring can make you want to shout it from the rooftops that you are kinky and happier with life than you have been in a long time. But this isn’t the moment to do that. There’s too much at stake. Even with how out I am with most people, there are several that I could never share my kinky side with.

Each friend we have will take this news differently. We’ll look at both sides of the coin; should we tell that friend or should we keep it to ourselves?

Don’t Tell Them

Deciding not to tell them can fall under the thought that sharing your personal choices will alienate them, offend them or repulse them. This can happen a lot with devote religious types (but not all) and those that have very conservative political views. Does this person talk about sex at all around you?  What about intimate details about thier relationships? How do they respond to seeing aggressive or submissive behavior? If you have answered in the negative for any of these questions you may want to consider not telling this friend.

Choosing to not tell this person does mean you need to put up walls on what you two talk about. It shouldn’t be any harder than it is currently since the conversation has rarely moved to intimate personal thoughts.

Tell Them

Telling your friend is by no means easy, but if you think that they will take the news well, then it could relieve some tension between you as you try to keep your mouth shut. It could even open up a dialog between the two of you. Be prepared for questions and the need to disprove common myths like BDSM is about pain, it’s abuse, it’s just kinky sex play, or BDSM is against God or even Satanic. If you have the right answers and can convey them to your friends with intelligence it’s likely you will calm their nerves about your new revelation.

It is possible that you could lose some friends if you tell them about this. Be prepared for some heartache if this happens. You can’t make them understand, but you can at least hopefully keep the ones with an open mind. You can always make new friends, and while not as comfortable or valuable at first as old friends they are just as important.

photo credit by maxymedia