The Impact of Velcro Collars on the Symbolism

This week’s video post is about velcro collars.

To submissives, a collar is one of the most important things they have. It is a symbol of their commitment, their service and their adoration of a special someone. In most situations, the offering or begging of a collar is not taken lightly. The weight of the matter could mean a lifetime of service, the same importance of engagement or marriage and strict adherence to rules and behaviors.

However, just as there are people who go through mates like tissues, there are submissives and Dominants alike that use Velcro collars. These collars have practically no meaning to them and they hand them out or give them back without so much as a blink of the eye.

It is believed that the use of a collar like this can cheapen the meaning and symbolism for those people who hold the collar and it’s meaning in high regard to those of the community if so many others are seen to be passed around from one person to the next.

This really goes along with my thoughts on the Disposable Relationship. Too many people aren’t taking relationships seriously anymore. The value of anything to do with partnership and couples working together has diminished. We’ve become a satisfaction now society. No consequences. It’s just sad.

Now back to velcro collars…. They exist mainly online, but it’s not uncommon to find one or two people in your local community that seem to bounce around the group ‘collecting’ collars. Every time you see them they are collared to someone new. Wearing a collar becomes a game to them.

How does this impact the symbolism? In my opinion it doesn’t. The symbolism of the collar is developed by your own beliefs. Just as the wedding ring means one thing or another to someone, so does the collar. Does someone else’s many marriages impact the value of your marriage? Of course it doesn’t.

Being someone who hands out or receives collars that would define them as velcro would only impact the particular person. Sure it could make them appear needy or desperate or in the least, inexperienced.

I know that for myself, wearing a collar and being collared is the most sacred thing in our relationship. I know that if I weren’t committed to the relationship that the collar wouldn’t even be a part of our lives.

What do you think? Are velcro collars affecting the overall symbolism of collars in our society?

Can You Separate BDSM and Sex?

When Master and I get to play, it’s quite sexually charged. We find the play and the energy we swap as very sexual. Our play time usually ends in sex of some form. That’s just how we roll. Does it always have to be that way? Heck no! In fact, when I was casually playing, there was no sex at all.

But can you really separate the sex from BDSM? You have to admit that much of what we do during play time is rooted in sexual pleasure and sensation. Even if you are never touched sexually you can achieve orgasm. Does this make it sex or BDSM?

My first kinky experiences were purely sexual and yet I can and have separated the idea  of sex from BDSM. I’m not exactly sure how it happened. Perhaps it could have been necessity. I was casually seeing people when I started exploring. I know that sex was special and important to a relationship; a relationship I wasn’t kindling with any of these partners.

What really comes down to it for you and each partner you have is how you define sex. For myself and the casual partners, sex was any form of penetration. For Master and myself that definition is more inclusive of everything we do.

I recommend that you have a discussion with your partner as a part of negotiation for the first play session that you define what sex is and if it’s a welcome part of your play. I’ve talked about negotiations before so I’m not going to get into the depth of it, but it is a very important part of a new relationship and can be important in well established ones too in certain situations.

So much of what we do is sexual because that is how most of us first explore our kinky side. It’s not uncommon for all of us to start out with the tentative sensations during sex and keep our new side hidden behind bedroom doors. This association alone could lead to your understanding that BDSM is the same as sex.

It doesn’t have to be. If you have been to any variety of play parties you will see a wide variety of play styles. Most parties have rules regarding sexual play. Some won’t allow any at all. Yet you will still see people enjoying themselves and having a good time.

Should you separate BDSM and Sex? That’s completely up to you; but as I’ve said previously there are reasons to do so and there are just as valid reasons not to. BDSM play tends to be just as intimate as sex, sometimes moreso. This is a decision that you should make for yourself while you are still searching for your Dominant or play partner. Stick to what you decide.  Your future intimacy depends on your decisions now.

So, what about you? Can you separate sex from BDSM?

Other Thoughts on BDSM and Sex

• Our chat discussion transcript from 8/25/09 on this very topic
• Is BDSM Sexual?
• BDSM vs. Kink

Review: How To Get the Spanking You Want

My first ebook up for review is “How To Get The Spanking You Want: The Complete Guide to Asking For it, Getting it, and Making it Better” by Vivian of The Disciplined Feminist. I have an excerpt on this site if you’d like to read it.

The author has over 23 years of spanking experience and over a decade of scholarly and academic research on the subject. She is even well published.

The book is broken up into 4 chapters with a pretty good flow and cohesive train of thought.It’s developed for the person that would like to enter a spanking relationship with their partner but don’t know how to go about doing it.  Written in a conversational tone will really help you explore the topic in your head as you read along. The author stays pretty general about what kind of spanking relationship, but does mention domestic discipline and play spanking so I think it could help you no matter what type of spanking your are looking for. It’s an excellent first step for the hesitant and hopeful spankee.

The first chapter will help you figure out what type of spanking you are looking for, and analyze your fantasies to understand what you expect from a spanking, but she also explains that your real life spankings probably won’t look anything like your fantasies. After all, you control the fantasy and the spanker always knows exactly what to do, right?

The second chapter is set up to help you ask your partner to spank you.  While I do have some issues with the way the author says you should go about asking, there is some sound advice on your partners response; whatever that may be. Vivian says that you should use your feminine seductive arts to ply your partner into seeing you as submissive and demure; dressing and acting the part before and during the discussion where you ask your partner to be your spanking partner. In a way, it comes off as she is saying you should manipulate the situation to get what you want by using your feminine mystique and then being direct about what you want because that’s what guys like.

Now, I don’t have experience with asking a partner to spank me that wasn’t already interested, but to me this sounds a little backward. Essentially I see this as luring the man into your ‘trap’ and then confronting them with some huge secret and expecting them to respond positively about it. I don’t know about you, but if I followed her directions specifically, I’d have a confused man on my hands AND probably no hope of a spanking partner.

Really, my advice would be to definitely set a date to have this revealing conversation, but be honest and open about it when the time comes. There is no need to try to show your man that you are submissive and pliant and your ass is ripe for spanking as she suggests.  But, that’s just me.

The rest of the book helps you prepare and receive your first spanking. It does a wonderful job going through the possible reactions you can have the first spanking you get, as well as the triggers you could awaken and how to deal with them. I love how she makes sure you understand that unlike your fantasy spankings, these hurt. It’s something that a lot of people just don’t realize till it’s happening and then you react poorly.

I’d highly recommend this book just for the last 2 chapters alone. You can definitely get something out of this book even if you are already in a spanking relationship. She also has a chapter on how to get more from your spanking experience and is worth reading even if you’ve been exploring spanking for years. I loved it.

Overall, I think it’s a decent book for someone who needs a way to share their spanking secret with their partner in hopes of finding a spanking partner in them. If you would like help talking to your partner about your spanking interests, get this book.

Interested?

Product Details

• luna’s Rating: 8/10
• PDF Format: 177 pages
• Publisher: Variant Books
• Language: English

Buy “How To Get The Spanking You Want: The Complete Guide to Asking For it, Getting it, and Making it Better“

The Safety Disguise of Safewords

I’ve always believed that safewords are only good if you know how to use them. Good ole communication is great for things like numb limbs, an itch you can’t reach or a bathroom break.  Submissive Guide is here for novices and it’s always good to teach about safewords and recommend that you have one.

In every beginning BDSM book you will find information on safewords. On this site I have an essay on safewords. What I’ve read recently from Emma is some very obvious news about safewords that most people don’t pick up on their own and never share with others. Well, I’m going to share it with you.

Protect Your Safety

In a play situation you need to establish trust with your play partner. If you choose to play with a relative stranger you are putting yourself in danger of not having your safeword respected. Safewords can not protect you from someone who intends to do you harm. No matter how many times you shout ‘red’ in a dangerous situation a predator will not heed. Just like a stop sign, it only works if drivers obey the law and actually stop. The trust that is needed in a relationship is what makes a safe word really work for you.

Don’t ever expect your safeword to protect you. I’ve read horror stories where a submissive said she thought her safeword was all she needed to stay safe. A lot of the BDSM play we engage in is inherently dangerous and risky (even if you believe in Safe, Sane and Consensual). A verbalized stop word is not going to make you any safer.

It Starts With Trust

You can not have safewords without trust. As you’ve read and hopefully understand now a safeword is a false blanket of security. Building trust with your partner is all about open, honest communication and respect. How do you build trust?

The answer is acceptance.

Once you accept your partner for who they are then your trust will come right along with it. Sure that means you need to accept yourself first and we are always hearing about that, but in this article we are building trust in our partner so that if we choose to use safewords they will work.

Negotiate, Negotiate, Negotiate

Every relationship starts somewhere, even the quick and casual play partners are relationships. I can’t stress enough that you need to communicate and share your needs and desires in order to get them. Doing this also includes requesting and agreeing on a safeword if works for you. Even if a Dominant doesn’t believe in safewords, a negotiation where a safeword is requested should be honored.

Say ‘No’

In the worst situation imaginable where your safeword is being ignored, begin screaming ‘no’. Unfortunately this won’t necessarily make the person stop but it will give you some legal leverage later. Not all legal authorities understand or respect stop words, our safewords. They will ask if you said ‘no’.

Wrapping It Up

It’s not my intention to scare you or convince you that you shouldn’t have a safeword. I’m hoping that what you’ve learned is that you need to have more than a word to protect you if you plan to play.

Do you have any other advice about safewords that you’d like to pass on?

The Basics of Negotiating a Scene

It can be very scary approaching a Dominant and asking them to play with you. The butterflies in your belly can make it very difficult to take that first step. It can be every worse if you two don’t negotiate the scene so that you get what you want out of it and s/he does too. Negotiating a scene is different than negotiating a relationship. I will be covering the play negotiation in this essay.  Negotiating play is vital for new players or for those who have never played together. Once you get to know someone it is likely that unless you have something you’d really like to experience you can forego some negotiation for spontaneity.

When you are ready to negotiate with someone have in mind what you would like to experience. You can be as specific as you’d like to be. Express what turns you on and what things you have tried in the past that really did it for you. Tell them your limits; and if you don’t know your limits it’s best if you go back to do your checklist again. It will give you a clue as to what you can and can’t do as well as things that just aren’t appealing.

Negotiating pre-scene can include (from wikipedia):

• Arrangement of Roles – who will be the top and the bottom, participation of any other observers, and the way partners address each other;
• Expectations and needs of both partners – likes and dislikes of submissive and dominant partners and the ability to fulfill each other’s needs;
• Limits of the scene – boundaries that are set to define what experience is acceptable within psychological (such as humiliation, obedience or verbal violation) and physical limits (such as pain, marks and resistance to various influences);
• Types of play – practices that would be included in a scene: bondage, role-playing, spanking or sensory deprivation;
• BDSM Gear and attire – what materials, adult toys and fetish wear will be used;
• Duration of the scene – at what time the play starts and ends, who will be in charge of the time;
• Health concerns – talking over existent health problems: allergies, chronic diseases, STD’s, taking any medications and other;
• Safety measures – any safety tools to prevent situations when something goes wrong;
• Sexual contact – what type of sexual activity is accepted if any;
• Safe words – one or set of verbal and non-verbal signs that will be used to stop the play or slow it down.

More Reading:

From eHow

Using Playtime Check Ins Wisely

A check in is where either partner provides clues as to their comfort, pain tolerance, pleasure level or other information during a scene or play session. Even the most experienced players continue to check in with their partners during play; it is a good practice to have. Whether you are playing with your partner or someone new, learning how to give good information during a check in is vital to your enjoyment and comfort. I am going to explain what a check in might look or sound like and what information to provide that will be best received and used.

Before you begin playing you should negotiate the scene. If you are in a committed relationship with your partner this is likely skipped, but if there is something you need to express make sure you have the time to do that before play begins. In the negotiation you should find out what the check in symbol is; if it’s a voiced question or another sign.  Knowing this before play can set a mental trigger to pay attention to these things if you find yourself a bit foggy during play.

The Check In

A check in is a moment when play is suspended to see if everything is still okay and that your partner is willing to continue. The top or bottom can perform a check in, however it is more common for the top to do so.

On the most basic level, a check in is the top asking, “How are you?” “Do you remember your safeword?” or “Is everything okay?” Other ways to check in are a squeeze of the hand, leg, etc. as a non-verbal check in. It could be a whisper or a special touch. All of these can be ways in which to check in with their partner.

Your response to these simple questions can give a lot of information to the top. From your mental/emotional state to whether you’ve reached your pain limit. A good top will be able to hear what you aren’t saying and can read body language and tone of your voice for more information but don’t assume that a top you have never played with will understand these things.

Provide Good Information

When asked to check in, never just say you are fine. Tell the top if you feel good, or bad. Express how excited you are or even that your back/ass are really sore and hot. Take this time to share about numb limbs or other discomforts you may not have noticed until this request to check in. If you need water or a break, do not be afraid to say so. It doesn’t make you any less of a bottom for requesting these things.

Expressing how foggy-headed you are feeling, if you are close to subspace and whether or not you want to go there and any requests for intensity changes or implement changes should be voiced in a check in.

Warnings to Pay Attention To

Frequent check ins can be annoying and the submissive may think that the Dominant’s constant need for reassurance is a sign of lack of confidence. A Dominant should not be expected to play without any feedback at all either. Find a happy medium during negotiation so that you can continue play safely and make it enjoyable.

If at any point you feel dizzy or shaky or weak make sure you check in immediately as these can be signs of non-diabetic hypoglycemia. In this condition you could faint, pass out, go into shock and if left untreated, you could die. Play is not worth that. Make sure you have simple sugars available for these moments. Why do you think they give you orange juice and cookies when you donate blood? It’s to spike your insulin levels while your body works to replace the blood you just gave. It works here as well.

Using check ins wisely will keep your play fun and exciting for all involved.

Final Thoughts: If you know of anything else to provide during a play session check in, please let me know in the comments.

photo by batega

Dating in the Lifestyle; What’s the Big Deal?

“It’s so hard to find someone in the Lifestyle that I’m compatible with. You are so lucky to have found someone.”

I don’t know how many times I hear this on a daily basis when conversing. It always brings up my view on the whole dating atmosphere within the Lifestyle. Yes, it is hard to find that special partner who will give you what you want and compliment you in every aspect. However, think back to when you were dating in the vanilla realm. Was it just as hard? Some of you will say no, some will say yes. Those of you that say no, why is that you think?

(Why it seems like there are so few perspective partners to choose from is a different issue.)

Here’s what my opinion is on the subject. Vanilla dating seemed so much easier because we were not upfront and forward about what we needed and wanted in a relationship. Most regular dates I went on before finding my Master never included even the type of person I was looking for physically, let alone telling the person what you wanted in bed or out of the relationship as a whole. You just don’t talk about those things on dates until you both decide to try the relationship thing. In vanilla relationships, what you want and need is usually secretive at first, if expressed at all. Is it hard to find a partner in a vanilla world? Hell yes.

The difference with a BDSM or Lifestyle relationship is that we practically introduce ourselves with a checklist and wants and needs list. We come to the date and begin asking those direct questions of: what are you looking for in a Dom/sub? What do you see the ideal relationship being? What do you like to do during scene?

I feel that we approach a Lifestyle date very differently than we would in a vanilla context. Think about it the next time you are out on a new date. What do you talk about, what do you share with this stranger that you met not long ago? Now how would you go on a similar date with someone in a vanilla relationship? Would you be as upfront to them? No, most likely not. Why is that? You don’t want to scare them away, make them think you are a freak? Many other excuses come to mind.

So, you are thinking, if we come to people up front and share what we want and who we are, why is it still so hard to find the one we need in our lives? Simple, compatibility is hard. We are open with people from the start and so we shuffle through perspective people faster than traditional relationship cycles. This makes us feel like we will never find someone that works for us. It brings us down and envious of people that have found someone to be with, even for a time.

How we approach a Lifestyle date vs. a traditional date is what affects the way we find a partner. Some are looking for play partners, and we express that rather immediately with a Lifestyle date; however in a traditional date you wouldn’t say that you were just looking for someone for the sack and not expect to get slapped or called some offensive names. Those of us looking for relationships we sit down for our dates and talk about what we want and need in a relationship, right down to specifics. We get to know what the other person wants and needs, how they act in situations, how they see themselves and who they want to be years down the road. We know what they are like right way and can decide rather quickly if they will be a decent partner or not. A traditional date is superficial. It’s called date talk. Basically its small talk, where neither party really volunteers any sort of information that would be beneficial to learning if that person is compatible. They just want to get out of the date or make it to the next. Traditional dating is a longer process of getting to know one another, opening up and finding out that the person you’ve been seeing for months isn’t compatible with what you are looking for on one level or another.

Dating is dating. It’s not easy and how we approach is affects the outcome. A BDSM relationship is there for everyone. It’s not easy, but neither is a vanilla relationship. Once you adjust your thinking to how we go about dating and the changes in life that the Lifestyle brings upon us you will see that finding a partner is never easy. Once you do find that special one, you will be grateful for all the hard work.

The Many Faces of Submission

Types of submissives come in as many varieties as wines; there is one for every palette and preference. When someone tells you that you are submissive and you finally admit to yourself that you are submissive, which can be a journey itself, you can figure out how your submission differs from another by what type of submissive you are.

What I’m about to lay out for you is not the only way these terms can be described but it is a good measure for the novice and open to your interpretation. No one way to serve is better than another in this list. Remember that not matter where we are on the mountainous journey, the goal is the same. Surrender.

The Bottom

The bottom is the person who in the BDSM lifestyle enjoys receiving sensation. They always wish to be on the receiving end of the flogger or other sensation. The bottom may direct the session before or during the session; the bottom maintains the control. The act of bottoming is not always sexual. The bottom does not release real control to the top rather it is more of a mutual partnership. Some good examples of “The Bottom” are those who are in to the spanking sect of the lifestyle. I have met spankers who will tell you they are not submissive and they don’t have a submissive bone in their body. They are in this for the sexual pleasure of the pain. The bottom is more of a role played rather then a state of mind.

The Bedroom Submissive

The best way to portray this type of submissive is in every facet of life s/he may be vanilla or even Dominant but when the bedroom door shuts the roles drop and s/he submits to the Dominant. The bedroom is where the power exchange happens and stays. This is almost always sexual. In the bedroom the act of submission is complete, however when the bedroom door is open the bedroom submissive returns to the vanilla world or role.

The Psychological Submissive

The physchological submissive begins his or her submission in their mind. This submissive is submissive in and out of the bedroom. They generally have a need to submit or surrender to a Dominant. The act of submission is mental. S/he can give as much or as little as they wish ot or need to give. They then become the responsibility of the Dominant  to determine the direction of the relationship. The surrendering is the power exchange. Once the surrender occurs they can become an empty vessel for the Dominant. Love is not required, as this is a mental and psychological submission.

The Slave Heart Submissive

This submissive wishes to surrender everything without becoming a slave. In comparison with the psychological submissive, a slave heart submissive craves the love of the Dominant they submit to.  The act of submission is full of emotion and love. S/he gives all they have for the return of love and trust from the Dominant they serve.

The Slave

Unlike the submissive, a slave must surrender completely and be in complete control of a Master. The slave must feel completely owned. The slave usually feels like nothing until Masters gives them a slave identity. When Masters is happy the slave is happy. Many slaves I have talked to feel this way. They feel most complete when with Masters. The slave beams when s/he brings Master pleasure. The slave must surrender, and the slave is not happy until s/he has surrendered. The slave feels completed when surrendering to a Master.

I found the following analogy to be quite interesting and so I am going to share it here. I find that it works well in describing submission in terms that novices might connect better with. It comes from The Australian BDSM Information Site.

What do you think of this analogy? Are there types of submissives that I missed?

Further Reading

An excellent essay was shared with my on FetLife by MsKestrel. She has written an essay about the paradigm of submission and I wanted to share it with you here. Please feel free to leave comments on her essay.

A Chautauqua: On Submission – State of Surrender

photo by tanitta

Introducing Kink into an Existing Relationship

When you discover that you might be kinky there are a lot of questions surrounding how to accept that. One of those may be trying to explore that kink with your existing partner. But how do you bring up the subject and how do you handle what they may say about the ideas you are entertaining? Learning you may have kinky desires is not uncommon but dealing with the emotional repercussions can be difficult. You should try to stay the course and work through your thoughts slowly so that you don’t overwhelm yourself or enter sub frenzy.

Once you deal with your own emotions and feelings surrounded your new found interests, it may be time to talk to your partner about them. This can be a very nerve wrecking time for you but worth the effort you are going to put into it, right? A lot of partners are willing to try new and adventurous new things if asked. Things like light bondage, spanking or Dominant/submissive role play generally are well received for sex play.  Other activities will require conversations with your partner.

Talk About It

Plan a moment where there won’t be any distraction and talk about your new feelings and desires. Be honest about it and open for positive and negative responses. If you need help, get a book or find a few websites online to help you with your discussion. Don’t give your partner ultimatums, they will need time to understand what you are asking from them and to find out themselves if they are interested. It’s a change in the relationship they may not have expected, but then it could also be very exciting for them. A good book to maybe have laying on the bedside table is When Someone You Love Is Kinky by Dossie Easton. It comes highly recommended on Amazon and is an appropriate read for anyone new and nervous.

Leave Subtle Clues

Like I mentioned above you can leave a book out for your partner to see, but other things work too. Magazines that talk about kinky sex play, bookmark pictures of ads that show someone tied up or blindfolded, start leaving links to sites online to educational kink resources like The Iron Gate or Leather and Roses. Tell your partner your fantasies that involve some kinky things and see how they react. The goal here is to feel things out and see how they may react before talking to them outright.

After the Big Talk

Once you get someone interested in trying something don’t let the ball drop. Experiment, play around, be adventurous. You may find that you both have interests to explore and fun things to do with each other that you never thought possible. I could bring your relationship closer together and engage a level of intimacy that was not possible before. You relationship dynamic could change for the better. Revel in the changes and enjoy yourself.

If Things Go South

Not every situation turns out for the better. Some people just can’t be kinky and don’t want to entertain your fantasies or relationship desires. You may have to make a choice to never entertain your desires or to find someone that will. The hard decisions in life may be ahead for you. For me personally, that meant divorce. I found what I was looking for and while I know I failed at marriage, I know that my decision was the right one. For you it could mean opening your relationship to make room for a Dominant while keeping the existing relationship. It could mean that you become an online submissive and get your emtional and mental desires fed that way.

Don’t give up. Thing have a tendancy to work themselves out.

Additional Reading

How to make your Vanilla Boyfriend Kink Friendly

If you have suggestions for someone trying to introduce kinky play into their relationship, please leave them in the comments.

photo by captain.orange

Can I Be Abused in a BDSM Relationship?

This week’s video post is about BDSM vs. Abuse.

A BDSM relationship, especially one with sadomasochistic moments, is subject to questions all the time about it’s proximity to abuse. It is not uncommon to have people unfamiliar with BDSM to say that what we do is abuse and violence; we see it all the time portrayed incorrectly in the media. Others associate criminal sadists with the BDSM scene, again something we have to struggle against.

A healthy BDSM relationship is one where people exchange power, sensations or experiences in a consensual, mutually fullfilling way. These exchanges increase self-esteem and all parties are are actively invested in the well-being of their partners and themselves.

The core of BDSM is consent. No one will disagree with this. We are all aware, hopefully, that abuse is not consensual. If you feel that what is going on is ‘not right’ then you certainly should investigate if it is abuse or not. Some of what you may feel could not be abuse at all, but it’s good to know for sure. The harm associated with abuse can be physical, emotional, mental, sexual, social or economic.  Here are some thoughts on whether the BDSM relationship you are in might be abusive from The National Leather Association-International Domestic Violence Project.

• Abuser may coerce or force a victim into agreements without their full informed consent, especially long-term contracts with newcomers.
• Abuser may manipulate a victim into financial or emotional dependence without taking precautions should conflict occur or the need to leave arise.
• Abuser may exert non-consensual control, dominance or abuse of a partners children or make demands that go against maternal or paternal responsibilities. (I.E. Restricting access to children as punishment.)
• Abuser may use threats of abandonment or loss of current5 contract if new demands are not met.
• Abuser may force victim to do things alone, together or with others in ways that violate or compromise previous negotiations.
• Abuser may use name calling, mind games, denial of human necessities like food, water, shelter as needed, health care and so forth, especially in ways that reduce a victim’s self-esteem.
• Abuser may threaten to expose victim or your lifestyle to ‘vanilla’ co-workers, family members, or children.
• Abuser may initiate inappropriate or harmful punishments or withhold appreciation or affection as punishment.
• Abuser may deny a behavior is abusive and/or may minimize abuse. The abuser may also accuse you of making abuse up, not being submissive/Dominant enough, and so forth.

Trust your instincts. If you feel in danger, make a plan to get out.

You might also be interested in

Simply Service Newsletter from November 2005

Included in this edition:

• My Journey by slavedebbie
• Community Unity by Master Kalan
• Declutter 101 by Tante Jen
• Metamorphosis by slave a
• Naturally Polyamourous by Mistress Pamela
• Essay by E Missy Hall
• Intimate Partner Abuse in the BDSM Lifestyle by sequi

Recommended Reading for New Submissives

The following is a list of books that I recommend for every novice submissive. The links lead you to Amazon if you are interested in buying the books. Part of your purchase goes towards supporting this site and my efforts at continuing to bring you content on this site.

Books

Learning the Ropes: A Basic Guide to Safe and Fun S/m Lovemaking by Race Bannon. This brief volume explains how partners can explore their dominant and submissive S/M fantasies in a safe and fun manner. Negative myths are dispelled and replaced with the truth about the kind of S/M erotic play that so many adults enjoy. You’ll learn what S/M is, how to do it safely, and much, much more.

Different Loving: The World of Sexual Dominance and Submission by William Brahme and Gloria Brahme. A breakthrough in sexual literature, this work is a complete, comprehensive user-friendly guide to and tour through the world of alternative sexual lifestyles. While the topics are exotic and erotic, the authors handle each one in a sensitive, thorough, analytical, and fascinating way and manage to explain a secret world to those who might wish to visit.

Sensuous Magic 2 Ed: A Guide to S/M for Adventurous Couples by Patrick Califia. Mixing erotic vignettes with practical how-to advice and personal insight, Sensuous Magic is the author’s guide to sadomasochism for couples. For readers who harbor fantasies of erotic dominance and submission, Sensuous Magic demystifies S/M, explaining terminology and technique. Experienced players will appreciate the author’s knowledge of S/M safety and his insight into S/M psychology. Novices will be reassured by the book’s honest, frank approach. This new edition discusses myths about S/M, the psychology of bondage, communication and negotiation, techniques of pleasure and sensation (including tickling, pressure, temperature, impact play, and whipping), and sex in S/M scenes. Also included are a glossary, updated bibliography, and resource guide.

Screw the Roses, Send Me the Thorns: The Romance and Sexual Sorcery of Sadomasochism by Philip Miller and Molly Devon. Screw the Roses enthusiastically covers all the basics and even some of the not-so-basics–bondage, negotiation, sex, endorphins, dominance and submission, toys, safety, S/M community, and beyond. It’s written primarily from the point of view of male dominant/female submissive interactions, but it’s easily translatable into valuable advice for any relationship configuration. Miller and Devon’s explanations of not just the how, but also the why, of sadomasochism are honest, sexy, funny–and a must-have for anyone who wants to learn about sadism, masochism, dominance, submission, or bondage.

The Compleat Slave: Creating And Living An Erotic Dominant/submissive Lifestyle by Jack Rinella. In this highly anticipated followup to The Master’s Manual, author jack Rinella continues his in-depth exploration and discussion of Dominant/submissive relationships with his latest book, The Compleat Slave. This informative overview of the leather scene features Rinella’s guidelines, tips, and personal experiences in creating safe and sane Master/slave relationships. Whether you are a novice or an experienced Master or slave, this insightful and forthright volume will prove to be a great read and a valuable reference guide.

Cyber Submission and Exploring D/s Online

Can Online Training Work?

This week’s video is about online training and submission.

The world of online Dominance and submission is riddled with skepticism and disbelief that anyone can really live and enjoy a relationship online. The fact of it all is that there are an endless numbers of people experiencing a form of D/s called cyber D/s. Whether it be because they can not live it in real time due to partners that don’t understand, or they are exploring their sexuality safely a cyber relationship with a D/s feel is developed.

The Roundtable: Open Marriages

Every so often I want to open up the blog for you to share and teach me on a topic that I don’t know a lot about. This is your chance to teach me and the other readers of this blog. I encourage you to comment, subscribe to the comments and keep coming back to add more insights.

From the Wikipedia page on Open Marriages:

Open marriage typically refers to a marriage in which the partners agree that each may engage in extramarital sexual relationships, without this being regarded as infidelity. There are many different styles of open marriage, with the partners having varying levels of input on their spouse’s activities. The impact of open marriage on relationships varies across couples. Some couples report high levels of marital satisfaction and have long-lasting open marriages. Other couples drop out of the open marriage lifestyle and return to sexual monogamy. These couples may continue to believe open marriage is a valid lifestyle, just not for them. Still other couples experience serious problems and claim open marriage contributed to their divorces. All couples in open marriages may therefore want to pay attention to their relationship maintenance behaviors.

Today I’d like to learn about open relationships and marriages. Here are the questions I have for those of you with experience in open-style relationships:

1. What rules are there in the relationship to prevent infidelity or violation of other limits? Why do the ground rules exist?
2. What style of open relationship do you have? Is it polyamory or one that we haven’t discussed yet? Is polyamory considered an open relationship?
3. How do you handle jealousy issues?
4. What sexual protection do you use with other partners?
5. The illegality of having another partner other than your wife/husband can cause issues, what do you have to keep the safety of all partners involved safe?
6. Have any of you seen the Handbook on Open Relationships found at Open Hands? What do you think of its content?

Do you have anything else you’ d like to share about open relationships that I might not have considered?

Two Dominants

Today’s guest post is by Aria, a bi poly switch kinkster.

So currently I have 2 dominants, Edge and Vice. You would think that to have 2 Doms I would have to be the most submissive woman ever, but I’m a switch. I often call myself a beta-top because I love to co-top with them. Fortunately for me they let my top side come out when I need release, just as long as I don’t try to top them.

Having 2 dominants has worked out very smoothly for the three of us actually. I’ve been with Vice for 4 years and have only been with Edge for a year and a half. When Edge and I first started dating I didn’t know he was a Dom since he had minimal experience in the lifestyle. Especially when we started, Edge was very deferential to Vice. We used to laugh at how careful he was not to step on toes. Being so polite and considerate I think really helped Vice grow to trust him and keep down jealousy issues as well. Which isn’t to say we never have problems. No relationship is perfect, and by writing this I certainly don’t mean to say we are. As with most relationships, communication is key. Most of the time a problem pops up it comes back to some miscommunication.

A few basic rules are what keep us working well together.

Rule 1 – They don’t contradict each other.

Let’s say Edge gives me an order that I am not to orgasm for the next week. He will always make an exception for Vice. “If Vice wants you to come for him or you come because of something he does, then that’s ok. “ Or he would specifically ask Vice to approve a punishment (or help enforce it).

Rule 2- They back each other up. They help enforce each others rules and punishments. This of course takes communication between them.

Rule 3 – They don’t interfere in problems I’m having with the other one.

Often I need to vent about something to someone who understands. This usually means my other partner. They listen, offer some advice, and at the end almost always say “so when are you going to go talk to him about it?”

Rule 4- Before going to an event we establish who my main Dom is for that time period. This doesn’t mean I can’t play with, cuddle, or interact with the other Dom, just that the main one gets decision making power. They get to say what I wear or who I play with. Fortunately they share very well. At Beat Me in St. Louis this year, they split up the weekend so that each one got to be in charge one day of the event.

Issues do occasionally pop up however. I enjoy the submissive role, but I’m not naturally very submissive. Sometimes getting me to submit (and not just be a brat or a SAM) is difficult. Vice lives with me, so he and I have to interact as equal partners quite a bit. This makes it hard for me to submit to him especially. He struggled with some envy when I began playing with Edge because Edge and I got to date and play without much real world interference. We never had to fight about who’s turn it was to do the dishes or take out the dog because we didn’t live together. This meant it was easier for me to get in the submission mindset and let go easier. We also always seemed to go somewhere fun and interesting and new when we went out. Vice felt like the two of us didn’t get the same kind of time I got with Edge. Which brings me to rule number 5.

Rule 5- They don’t try to get more time with me by stealing from the other one.

I’ve known poly couples where every time their partner was out on a date, some crisis would come up. They would call in a panic and need their partner to come home immediately. Every time. This isn’t a good way to handle jealousy/envy/loneliness. You’ve got to own your feelings and ask for what you want. Being the person in the middle, it was my job to make sure that Vice still knew I cared about him, and that I still liked submitting to him and playing with him. It was his job to handle his emotions as best he could and ask for reassurance when he needed it. In this case, the problem was that every time I went out with Edge it was fun and special. Vice and I needed some special time of our own, without the normal interferences of daily life. We set up a dedicated Dungeon Date night for Vice and I, where we could focus on keeping the kink part of our life active. Making sure we had some “special time” time together helped us keep our connection alive while I was building a new one with Edge.

Playing with two Doms has been really good for me as a submissive cause it has allowed me to learn a great deal about myself, and that carries over to both my relationships. They have two different styles and techniques, and that brings out two different sides of my submission. Each did things that seemed to “work”. Finding something that works in one relationship gave me insight into the other. Successfully going deeper in submission in one relationship helped me be brave enough to go deeper in submission in my other relationship.

So what do I do make it work?

I’ve been really lucky in finding these Doms. They both really want me to be happy with the other one. They honestly want me to have hot scenes and hot sex, just as I wish for them and their other partners. I’ve sort of made it sound like to successfully have two partners, they’ve had to do all the work. But these rules apply to me too. So what do I do to make this work? I don’t ask one partner to interfere with another, I don’t try to get them to contradict each other. I make sure I ask which one will be in charge for the evening before we get there.

All people need reassurance, and that includes Dominants. Especially if they know you are playing with more than one person. People say you aren’t supposed to compare your partners and I don’t in the sense of saying someone is “better” than someone else. But I do compare them when I say things like “Well Edge is really good at this part, but Vice is really good at that part”. I make it clear that my partners know what great stuff I get from them and no one else. If you make your partner feel special and treasured, they won’t feel as anxious when you are away from them.

As I said above, miscommunication is what causes most of our problems. Being in the middle I consider it my job to facilitate communication. I’m pretty talkative, but I try to let the men have their say too. I try to ask how they feel about things so they know its ok to talk about or bring up. I also immediately made it clear to them that they can speak to each other when I’m not there. They have each others phone numbers, email addresses, and chat names. Once they have that info, I need to get out of their way. I need to trust that they are big boys who can handle the communication between themselves without me being involved. Like I said above, submitting is sometimes difficult for me, so this is often a struggle, but I do my best.

That being said, it is also my job to bring up issues as I see them. If I see a huge roadblock, or someone crossing a line, it is my duty to bring it up. But hopefully in a calm and non-inflammatory manner.

Overall, being in a 2 dominant relationship is like being in any poly relationship. Have lots of communication and handle disagreements in the least dramatic way possible.

Aria is a bi poly switch kinkster. She lives in Iowa and frequently travels to conventions in St. Louis. She’s AriaSwitch on fetlife and can be contacted at Aria@boundforfun.com.

Readers’ View on Polyamory

A couple week’s ago I held a Roundtable discussion on Polyamory. You had a lot to say about it.

I also had a guest post on polyamory, written by May.

Coming up this week is a second guest post about having two Dominats in a poly relationship by Aria. Keep an eye out for that one!

I’d like to share what you said in the comments. Please feel free to continue the conversation. I’d love to hear what else you have to say about Polyamorous relationships.

ellemenopea said:

What does polyamory mean to you?
Having loving relationships with multiple people

How did you decide that polyamory was something you wanted?
I didn’t really, it just sort of happened through a series of events.

How do you deal with jealousy?
Luckily, it’s not a huge issue in our relationships. Mostly, I try to remind myself that I don’t own anyone’s time. I also try to make sure everyone in my life gets some amount of time just for us.

How do you balance the relationship with more than one partner?
Right now it’s not an issue, as everyone in my life has some distance. Scheduling time is the biggest thing.

What is your support system like within the relationship?
I feel comfortable going to different people for different things, but overall, I feel that the people in my life and my partner’s lives are trustworthy and wonderful. It really gives me an extended network of people who care about me and lend a hand when necessary. It also makes me feel part of a family.

If you have more than one Dominant partner, how does the control get passed between the Dominants as it pertains to you?
There is a hierarchy in our relationship, where Sir decided who has how much control, on a case by case basis.

SereneKitten said:

1. What does polyamory mean to you? — Having more than one relationship at a time. These relationships can be very loving and committed, a “friends with benefits” situation, or a mix.

2. How did you decide that polyamory was something you wanted? — I was curious about it and wanted to give it a try. My first casual “threesome” went badly, probably due to poor ground rules. My next encounter was more structured and I set clear limits.

3. How do you deal with jealousy? — Jealousy stems from insecurity from within oneself. You have to realize your own self-worth and strengths before you can recognize that what you bring into the relationship is different from any other partner.

4. How do you balance the relationship with more than one partner? — Even if time cannot be split equally between the partners, one MUST make time for each of the other partners. Time as a group is wonderful, but one-on-one time is priceless.

5. What is your support system like within the relationship? — We are there for each other. One of our rules is that any subject is open to discussion with zero repercussions. Open, honest communication is key. We can’t know about a problem if no one tells us about it!

6. If you have more than one Dominant partner, how does the control get passed between the Dominants as it pertains to you? — Not applicable.

Obi said:

1. What does polyamory mean to you?
Loving more than one partner fairly but not necessarily equally.

2. How did you decide that polyamory was something you wanted?
I kept falling in love with a second person without wanting to give the first one up, or believing that I should have to do so.

3. How do you deal with jealousy?
Through honest and open communication, just like any other “negative” feeling.

4. How do you balance the relationship with more than one partner?
Schedules help, but again keeping everyone in the loop discussion was helps us access where the emotional energies need to be concentrated at any one time.

5. What is your support system like within the relationship?
Fabulous! All of my partners are in love with each other.

6. If you have more than one Dominant partner, how does the control get passed between the Dominants as it pertains to you?
They do not Dominate me together, but will discuss issues with each other when they arise to make sure that their Mastery is on the same page.

RequiemKittyPup said:

1. What does polyamory mean to you? ~~~~ for me, polyamory is when one person is able to have romantic and intimate love with more than one other individual.

2. How did you decide that polyamory was something you wanted?~~~ when i fell in love with 2 different men. i however do not *need* polyamory and while am open to it, i can live without it.

3. How do you deal with jealousy? ~~~open and honest communication. ensuring each person in the relationship has equal time with the other participants. ensuring that all participants are aware of everybody’s needs, wants and limits.

4. How do you balance the relationship with more than one partner? ~~~ again, ensuring that all partners have equal time. and also, ensuring that all partners speak up if something is off balance. Ensuring all know of each other’s needs wants and limits.

5. What is your support system like within the relationship? ~~~~ n/a

6. If you have more than one Dominant partner, how does the control get passed between the Dominants as it pertains to you? ~~~ i’ve never done this, but the way i would go about it would be to have one Dom be primary. Perhaps not dominant to the other dom, but have one dom be primary and if the primary dom is gone or whatever, then the control automatically passes to the other one.

photo by Sabrina Campagna

The Emotional Side of Sub Drop

Sub Drop can come in many different forms. Sub Drop is the emotional and physical affects of the release and drop of endorphins in the body after a play session.  Most of what you read online are the physical aspects; the fatigue, sadness, aches and pains and recovery from marks. There is a more intense side of Sub Drop that gets very little attention because for each person it is different and describing how to recover can take many forms.

If not cared for, you could go into depression just from one play session. The endorphins and other hormones released during play leave your body in such a way that it takes time to rebuild the balance of hormones in your system. You could feel like you have a hang over or partied too hard the night before, you could feel lost and depressed for hours or days. You may just want to sleep it off. These are the more extreme forms of Drop. Some people recover in a matter of hours, but others could exhibit signs of Sub Drop for weeks after an intense session.

In a previous post I helped you make an Aftercare kit for yourself when you are alone and need to care for yourself, but I never explained why some of those items were in the kit. The purpose of many of the items was to aide in the emotional recovery after a scene. You may not have need for an Aftercare kit, but it is helpful to know why such a thing is recommended.

Two Reasons It Happens More Often in Committed Relationships

Those that are in casual play relationships tend to not have as many drop issues as those in committed relationships.The reason for this is two-fold. First, casual relationships don’t have the same element of intimacy that exists in long term relationships. That’s nto to say that all casual relationships lack intimacy, but if you’ve been in a committed relationship for any amount of time you will know the intimacy for which I speak. This intimacy can cause issues with boundaries and love that when the play is over the submissive can question the validity of those feelings. On several occasions I thought how could he love me if he did that to me. Of course it was consensual and boy did I love it at the time, but once the head space is over, the questions can bring emotions of sadness, questioning and disbelief. These are all normal.

The second reason that Sub Drop occurs more in committed relationships is because limits are tested more frequently and the play could be edgier. Casual relationships tend to not be able to develop the trust and history necessary to test boundaries as easily. No matter how strong the trust is with partners, you can still have feelings of disbelief or even feelings that you can’t believe you like something so perverted, kinky or dirty. Your own doubts can bring about fear, sadness and loneliness. You could even question why you are into BDSM to begin with. Again, very normal.

Address the Emotions

The emotions that can surface during and after play are necessary to address. Don’t keep them bottled up. Write them down, talk about them and keep open communication with your partner. They can help you get through your feelings. Several of the things in the Aftercare kit are meant to help you establish that connection. A notebook to write your feelings down, a phone card to call your partner (if they are long distance), a letter from your partner telling you how they feel about you and perhaps even a voice recording. Call up some friends and get out, if you have lifestyle friends they too can help you recover from Sub Drop.

Other Thoughts on Drop and Aftercare

Drop and Aftercare, A Discussion

Your experience may vary.  What is Sub Drop for you? What’s the best piece of advice someone or yourself gave you to get through it?

photo by Andi♥

What Is Polyamory Anyway?

Today’s post comes from May (follow her @readheadgirl) a writer and artist.

For the longest time when I heard “polyamory,” I thought of hippies in the 70s having orgies at drug parties. I blame my misconception on why I took so long to realize that I am a polyamorous person. Like me, many people have the wrong idea about polyamory and what it means.  So before I define what polyamory is, I’d like to take a moment to say what polyamory isn’t.

It isn’t hooking up; it isn’t “free love;” it isn’t an excuse for cheating on, disrespecting or marginalizing a partner; it isn’t a rejection of commitment; and it isn’t an experiment to try while deciding whether or not to break up with your partner.

Polyamory literally translates as “many loves.”  It is a system through which people can create multi-partner relationships and families with the full consent of everyone involved.  Full consent is crucial. Only through respectful and honest communications can polyamorous relationships flourish (in this way polyamorous relationships are very similar to BDSM relationships and the two categories often overlap).

I like this Wikipedia explanation as it captures how polyamory is about what is in someone’s heart – not whom their having or not having sex with:

“Polyamory can refer to the practice or status of a relationship at a given time, or used as a description of a lifestyle, philosophy or relationship orientation (much like gender orientation), rather than of an individual’s actual relationship status at a given moment. It is an umbrella term that covers many orientations and modes of relationship. There is fluidity in its definition to accommodate the different shades of meaning which might be covered. Polyamorous relationships are themselves varied, reflecting the choices and philosophies of the individuals concerned.” (Source: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Polyamory)

Polyamorous relationships take many forms and can include many different levels of intimacy.  In some relationships, a couple will have a single dedicated partner with whom they share a series of affairs. Another person may be actively “single” while participating occasionally or often in the committed relationships of others.  A couple may be committed to each other and to a third… or to another couple.  One person who is part of a couple may be dedicated to another person who is also in a committed relationship, without the involvement their significant others. The possibilities are limited only by the needs and desires of the parties involved.

The sex in a polyamorous relationship is what most people think of first, but it is not the most important component. Many desire intimacy and excitement that cannot be met by a single person.  This is, to me, the ultimate reason for polyamory: to accept your desires and your partners’ desires for intimacy fully while you assist or allow one another the expression of those desires.

Every polyamorous relationship I have witnessed grows stronger on a daily basis because of how all involved recognize and respond to the innate needs of the others in a loving, giving way.

In many ways, polyamory is whatever you want it to be. But what it must be is honest, loving and accepting. The rest is up to you…

May is a writer, artist, feminist, geek, book-nerd, bisexual, polyamorous, ex-Baptist, pagan, environmentalist, vegetarian who lives in Kansas City, Missouri with her cats and the greatest boyfriend ever.  You can follow her on Twitter as @readheadgirl or find her poems, photography and art at readheadgirl.deviantart.com/gallery/.

Bookshelf

A good book can help you learn more about yourself and your submission or enhance a skill you have always wanted to learn. Here is a growing list of books to help you on the way. Do you have a suggestion for a book listed here? Please email me at subguide@gmail.com. Thank you.

View Submissive Guide Amazon Store for more selections

Beginning BDSM

• Screw the Roses, Send Me the Thorns: The Romance and Sexual Sorcery of Sadomasochism by Phillip Miller – Review
• SM 101: A Realistic Introduction by Jay Wiseman
• BDSM Primer by Ralph White
• Different Loving: The World of Sexual Dominance and Submission by Gloria Brahme – Review
• Partners in Power: Living in Kinky Relationships by Jack Rinella
• When Someone You Love Is Kinky by Dossie Easton and Catherine A. Lizst

Dominance

• The Art Of Sensual Female Dominance: A Guide for Women by Claudia Varrin
• The Loving Dominant by John and Libby Warren
• The Sexually Dominant Woman: A Workbook for Nervous Beginners by Lady Green
• The New Topping Book by Dossie Easton and Janet W. Hardy
• The Master’s Manual: A Handbook of Erotic Dominance by Jack Rinella

Submission

• Erotic Surrender: The Sensual Joys of Female Submission by Claudia Varrin
• The Compleat Slave: Creating And Living An Erotic Dominant/submissive Lifestyle by Jack Rinella
• Erotic Slavehood: A Miss Abernathy Omnibus by Christina Abernathy
• Becoming a Slave by Jack Rinella
• SlaveCraft: Roadmaps for Erotic Servitude–Principles, Skills and Tools by Guy Baldwin - Review
• The New Bottoming Book by Dossie Easton and Janet W Hardy – Review
• The Submissive Activity Book: Building Blocks To Better Service by Shannon Reilly

Ritual and Protocol

• Protocols: Handbook for the female slave by Robert J. Rubel
• Creating A Personal Protocol by Shannon Reilly
• The Bride Wore Black Leather…And He Looked Fabulous!: An Etiquette Guide for the Rest of Us by Drew Campbell
• Protocol Handbook for the Leather Slave: Theory and Practice by Robert J. Rubel
• Manual Creation: Defining the Structure of an M/s Household by Machele Kindle and Master Fire

Master/slave

• Master/slave Relations: Handbook of Theory and Practice (M/s Studies Books) by Robert Rubel
• Master/slave Relations: Solutions 401: Graduate Studies in Meeting Challenges in your Relationship (M/s Series) by Robert Rubel

Leather Culture and History

• Chainmale: 3SM–A Unique View of Leather Culture by Don Bastian

SM and Play

• Consensual Sadomasochism : How to Talk About It and How to Do It Safely by William A. Henkin and Sybil Holiday
• Bound to Be Free: The Sm Experience by Charles Moser
• The Compleat Spanker by Lady Green
• Consensual Spanking by Jules Markham
• Flogging by Joseph Bean
• Flogging: The Basics and Beyond (SMTech Educational) by Joseph Bean
• Learning the Ropes: A Basic Guide to Safe and Fun S/m Lovemaking by Race Bannon
• Jay Wiseman’s Erotic Bondage Handbook by Jay Wiseman
• Two Knotty Boys Showing You The Ropes: A Step-by-Step, Illustrated Guide for Tying Sensual and Decorative Rope Bondage by Two Knotty Boys
• Two Knotty Boys Back on the Ropes by Two Knotty Boys

Sex and Sexuality

• American Sex Machines: The Hidden History of Sex at the U.S. Patent Office by Hoag Levins
• Anal Pleasure & Health: A Guide for Men and Women by Jack Morin
• Come Hither: A Commonsense Guide To Kinky Sex by Gloria Brahme
• The Guide to Getting It On, 6th Edition by Psy.D Paul Joannides

Spirituality

• Dark Moon Rising: Pagan BDSM and the Ordeal Path by Raven Kaldera

Crafts and DIY

• Bondage on a Budget by Alison Tyler and Dante Davidson

A Submissive Approach to Safe, Sane and Consensual

When you first enter the more public BDSM community one of the largest catch phrases you will here is SSC, also known as Safe, Sane and Consensual. It is a security blanket approach to safety when playing and negotiation of play. As a submissive, you have a lot of responsibility to keeping yourself safe and well.

When I first learned about SSC I found that it was very important that I understand what it means to me and my experiences in BDSM. Everywhere I went I found essays that mostly pertained to playing safely, negotiating and choosing the right partners. It didn’t really sit well with me because I was looking for a relationship and not just play. So I defined it for what I was looking for.

Safe

While most essays you read will undoubtedly say that you need to play safely with respects to using barriers, who you play with and within your knowledge level or experience level none of them touch on relationship safety.

Safety as far as relationships go would be protecting what you feel to be valuable. This would be your limits, your needs and wants and any other substantial believe systems you already have in place, such as religion or family ties.

You also want to protect your physical and emotional safety. During negotiations for a relationship, or just getting to know one another, figure out how your partner plans to take care of you and if they will allow you some leeway in how you can care for yourself if needed. Even slaves have responsibility to make sure that their emotional and physical well-being is taken care of.

Sane

For sanity the essays out there stick with knowing fantasy from reality and not acting on fantasy. There is so much more attached to the word sane though. For example, what about expectations of service; keep them realistic. No submissive should be expected to learn 4 pages of rules and protocol in a short period of time or kneel for hours on end without a break. This is what fantasy porn is made of.

Also, listen to your gut about red flags and uneasiness. You generally don’t have invalid feelings when you feel it in your gut. If something feels crazy, then it’s perfectly okay to investigate it. Keep it yourself sane.

Consensual

Of course the two or more parties involved should agree to the play activities, it’s pretty much a given. BDSM isn’t about forcing the unwilling at all. But also, this part of SSC covers illegal activities such as incest, child abuse, animal abuse and other unsavory activities.

When relating it to relationships consensual should be that all relationship items should be agreed upon. There are good dominants and bad dominants. Holding onto your wits and enforcing your rights should keep the bad ones at bay. This means that no rules should be forced upon your that you don’t want to do.

All in all, keep it safe, sane and consensual.

In another essay, I’ll talk about the alternative to SSC called RACK.