Serving after Abuse

Having been in the lifestyle for almost two years now, one of the things that I have noticed is that I am facing a lot of issues due to abuse from my past. Not from any Dominant in the lifestyle, just from others in my past. I’ve learned enough that if you have similar past experiences, I’d like to share some of it with you.

When it comes to this lifestyle there is one important factor that keeps coming up which is to be open and honest with your Dominant. To some, this is a very frightening thing to ask because there may be things that you have not worked through yet. I have come to learn that these things are things that can hinder you emotionally and sexually. One of the duties of a Dominant is to help you through those issues in order to help you grow.

One of the main issues is trust. People who are emotionally, physically, and sexually abused find that the ability to trust someone is very rare. Don’t get this confused with the ability to show respect. If you are a service submissive, it is okay to show respect to all Dominants as is appropriate and allowed. That doesn’t mean you are required to trust them. For example: in large crowds I will huddle close to either my Husband or my Master depending upon who is my escort for the event as they both understand my needs in this situation. It is important to find someone who is aware of your needs and capable of taking care of you.

How do you take that first step out of your box? The answer is very carefully. First is to not rush things, be patient. This can be very hard to do when you discover this new world and want to try new things, but there are a lot of predators out there, it is important to not latch on to the first person you come across. I have made many mistakes, like jumping in without finding out what is in that murky water. Be careful of being over confident in your ability to handle yourself. It is easy to end up in the same situation in which you were abused before, and it can put the locks on your mental doors in the process. You can easily become jaded unnecessarily. Take time to get to know people. If they are worth keeping around, they will stick around and will also make the effort to get to know you.

When it comes to taking that step in wanting to get involved in scenes, again, talk to people. Get references about those in which you are interested in having a scene with. Set up a public scene at a local dungeon. Do not do private scenes. Do not invite someone to come to your home, especially if you live alone, or even if you don’t but know you will not have anyone there at the time. These are all safety precautions that should be first and foremost in your mind. I know from experience that being anxious and excited sometimes overrules common sense.

Know your limits and be honest with yourself and those you choose to share this lifestyle with. For example: I have a very hard time with humiliation. I can’t handle someone calling me a dirty whore, slut, etc. I go into fight mode or completely shut down, even though I do like being that naughty little girl. This is an example of something you need to face and explain to your Dominant, even if it has been agreed upon that you are to be broken down and reprogrammed. I have seen and read about this in many Master and slave relationships, the point should not be to damage you in the process. If that is the path your Dominant chooses to go down, you should re-evaluate your relationship as that is abuse.

Be very open and honest with your Dominant. He or she is not a mind reader and no matter what he or she says, your Dominant will not know your needs, or your limits unless you give him or her that information. This includes your past, which I know, again from experience, can be very frightening. But if you are going to go out on a limb and consider someone who would be allowed any physical, sexual, and emotional control over you, you owe them the tools to do the job. Suggestions I give in my Submission in Motion’s group: Write out what you feel are your needs. (I say feel because these will change over time as your grow.) Keep a journal. (This can be either online or buy a journal, or even use a notebook.) Chat with other submissives. (Peer support is great and will offer you many ideas to think about.) and/or go to local munches. (I went to Fetlife.com found the munch in our area and started going. You should too.)

Keep your heart and mind open enough to have new experiences, but closed enough to be safe.

Happy submitting.

The Behind the Scenes: A Dominant Character

I’ve been exploring the writing of a Dominant mind lately and thought I’d share with you some of the wonderful musings this man has for learning the Dominant personae. The blog I’ve been exploring is A Dominant Character and is written by Sir J. I’d recommend you drop by and take a look at what a good piece of Dominant blogging looks like. These are rare; rare in the case that the posts are far more than just scene reports and pictures of their submissive. There is introspective look into the working mind of a Dominant. For that, I enjoy the reading.

On a recent post titled The behind the scenes work of being a Dominant he wrote about all the training and research that goes into being a good Dominant, from the reading and practice to the research of human anatomy, first aid training and other aspects of human relationships to preparation of scenes themselves. He puts a lot of thought into the scenes he plays out with his submissive ‘h’. From what I read, he finds ways to make them magical and fulfilling for both parties; something not easily done.

Understanding a Dominant character is a mystery to submissives everywhere. Just as we explore and come to an understanding with our submission, they too have to come to grips with their personality and character as well. Not all Dominants are successful at this, just as not all submissives can really connect with their surrender. Those that do, can talk about it with the comprehension that Sir J uses here.

In previous posts of his you can travel through his mind on fictional movie Dominants (Baron Von Trapp from Sound of Music), entitlement and balance as well as the spell of overwhelming submission and so much more. His character is one of honesty and openness with a bit of anonymity. It is intriguing and wonderful for a Dominant blog and certainly worth keeping tabs of this one.

You can subscribe to his blog via RSS or go to his blog address to follow him on Blogspot.

Do you have a blog that you love to read for its insight into D/s or M/s and would love to hear what I think about it? Send me an email and I will consider it.

Just Wait Till Your Father Gets Home: Telling Your Family

This post is from Norische. She allows anyone to post her articles anywhere they will do some good. I could not come up with a better way to say what she does in this article. Please enjoy and comment! I’d love to hear if you have told your family and how it went.

“So what are you, some kind of Satanist, or what?” This was one of the first things my sister said when she walked into my house.

It had been almost a year since I had seen my sister, she doesn’t live that far away but she has alwaysbeen a little on the judgmental side and so she and I have never truly been that close. She stopped by my house not long ago, no phone call, no warning, she just popped in for a visit…thankfully she didn’t have her two young sons with her. I am very open about my choices and my lifestyle, however I have never breached the subject with either of my sisters.

When you walk into my parlor/office the first thing you see is a wall of “toys”. Floggers, whips, paddles, and canes of all types, along with a large grouping of miscellaneous torture devices and implements of all types which decorate one half of the room. Of course chains, suspension devices, harnesses, and stirrups also embellish the archway to my dinning room. A leather-covered horse sitting right smack dab in the middle of the office also seems rather conspicuous as you walk into the room.

Normally I am very proud of my lifestyle choices and have no problem talking to anyone about the interesting and useful items that decorate my home. However, when my sister walked into my house I was literally at a loss for words.

To help you understand a little better, let me describe my sister a little to you. My sister and I are 16 months apart in age, I am the youngest. She is married and has been for several years; she was 24 yrs old before she went out on her first date. The first man she ever kissed is also the only man she has ever kissed, her husband. She lived with my parents until she moved in with her husband and his parents. She now has two young sons, ages 9 and 5. The have a nice little house in a nice little neighborhood and she is the picture of the perfect wife and strict mother. She is very active in her church and is a model of the average clean cut, straight-laced woman in her community.

When my sister first walked into my home I thought about how she would react, and then I worried if she would be offended and finally I wondered if she would even understand my lifestyle and the items in my home. Well to make it simple not only did she not understand the things that she saw but she also was completely clueless about what the BDSM lifestyle is truly about. At first she blushed and avoided looking at the floggers and whips, I could tell that she was very uncomfortable. I began to talk to her as I do with anyone; hoping that my openness would show her that there is nothing wrong or “sick” about the way I live my life. I also tried to help her understand the difference between the facts and myths about BDSM.

Myth:

All BDSM involves pain, or inflicting pain.

Fact:

There are several different types of Domination, some do indeed involve pain but others do not, it is a matter of choice in a relationship as to the addition or degree of pain included.

Myth:

BDSM is nothing more than kinky sex play.

Fact:

Sex may or may not be involved in a BDSM relationship; again it is a choice between those involved.

Myth:

BDSM is against God, or somehow Satanic in nature.

Fact:

There are several religions that use pain as a means of showing devotion, for centuries priest have beat themselves with sticks, whips and canes to show their sincerity to God. In many churches pleasure is viewed as the pathway to Hell, hence it has been summarized that pain must be the pathway to Heaven. From the Sun Dance of the Native Americans to the Flagellants of the Philippines pain has been viewed as a means of getting closer to God, not as a sin.

Myth:

BDSM is abuse.

Fact:

It is understood within the BDSM lifestyle that all activities must be consensual, even slavery. Before an individual can be a slave they must agree to the requirements, rules, and behaviors that are expected, before he or she is accepted as a slave. Once an arrangement is made, they seemingly loose the ability to say no, but this is untrue. Depending on the negotiations and the original contract the slave may be given certain rights or may wave those rights…but the fact is that the choice is theirs to accept the arrangements or to refuse. Safe, Sane and CONSENTUAL.

Myth:

BDSM is not normal.

Fact:

“Normal” is defined in many ways. Most people define normal as what is considered socially acceptable by the majority of the populous. If this is an accurate description then no one can be considered normal. Are Jews normal or are Christians normal? Are heterosexuals normal or are homosexuals normal? Are Native Americans the normal ones or is it the African Americans that are normal? Is it normal to be rich or poor? Is it normal to be married or divorced or single? Are you normal if you have a college degree or if you don’t have a high school diploma? Personally being “normal” is way over rated…I prefer to be unique, an individual.

After I spent my afternoon explaining my lifestyle to my sister, she began to understand a little about my life. However even with all the information I gave her, the last thing she stated to me was “Well if this is what you want then, I guess it is ok. I just want to let you know that I will not be bringing my kids over again.” With that she left and since then our communication has been limited to polite conversation. She hasn’t brought up our conversation again nor has she come back to visit.

I have never truly feared speaking to my family about my lifestyle nor have I ever avoided the subject or lied about my life…however, I have always known the reaction that I would encounter.

From my daughter I have had open acceptance, she was raised to accept all those that make the universe unique and wonderful. As she grew up she was slowly, and I stress the word slowly, exposed to alternative lifestyles. When she was 19 yrs old I felt she could understand enough about my lifestyle choices that I decided to get a slave. At first she didn’t know how to handle it, after they talked for a while she understood better and they became friends, and remained so even after his release. When we moved from Arkansas to Missouri I waited a couple of years and then got a submissive male as well as a male slave; my daughter began to understand the difference between the two. She honestly had no patience for the submissive but loved having my slave around. I never exposed my daughter to the S & M side of things but she was not ignorant either. It didn’t honestly shock me much when I found out she had bought a pony whip, the only thing that I wanted to know was she giving or receiving…I never asked, some things a mother just doesn’t need to know.

From my mother I had a confused understanding, she accepted the need for control and obedience but she could not understand the involvement of pain. My mother was a traditional Native American, our tribe is matriarchal…the women are in charge. I was raised by a strong woman, amongst strong women, and therefore the desire for control comes quite natural. She may have only been 4 foot 11 inches tall but it always seemed the whole world trembled at her command.

From my father I have been shunned, after my mother’s death my father remarried and the individual he married is a racist and a bigot. Since then his wife has seen to it that we no longer speak, nor am I allowed to go to my mother’s home.

From one sister I have been given a polite acknowledgement, simply put she is ok with my choices as long as they do not affect her or her family. Being Christian does not necessarily make one close-minded but it definitely narrows the realm of acceptance. Even though my sister goes to a more progressive church, she is still limited as to her interpretation of acceptable behaviors, and lifestyles.

From my other sister, perhaps some day I shall breach the subject, but not yet.

Do not fear what your family with think, or say, or even do. The only thing you should fear is ignorance. If someone does not accept your lifestyle that is ok, they have the right to their own opinions. If someone avoids associating with you because of choices that you have made, this too is a choice, it is their choice.

A slave I had in the past was faced with a horrible dilemma, lie to his family or admit his lifestyle choices and face the consequences. He refused to lie and when asked he explained his role in my house to his family. They threatened to have him committed, to take away his car (which they had paid for), to pull his college scholarship (which they had set up when he was a small child) and disown him. Rather than shame his family he asked to be released, I have not seen him since.

Pretending to be someone you are not is almost as difficult as trying to hide who you really are. Be proud of yourself, your choices, and your way of life. You do not need anyone’s approval, acceptance or understanding…it is a welcome gift that your family and friends can give to you but it is not necessary nor should it be expected.

As with everything this is my opinion, take what you will and leave the rest. If you wish to contact me, my email address is Norisch1@mchsi.com. If you wish to see more of my work you may find a complete listing of all my writings at…. http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Norisches_Quill/ in the files section.

Importance of Needs

In the previous post about wants and needs you made a list of your wants and a list of your needs so that you had them defined for your training resume. In this essay I will share why needs are so important to your overall health and happiness in a relationship and why settling for less than what you need is detrimental to you and the relationship.

I’m going to use the basic needs of security, comfort and love for this discussion but any needs that you have on your list will apply just as well. Feel free to make this part of your personal analysis. This is for your own development and I hope that it will help you see why needs are so important.

Basic Needs Explained

Security for example is the first need that you should have met in order to live. This can be physical, emotional or financial security. Without the sense of safety and security you can not easily go about your day. Things that can threaten your security are unemployment, abuse and terrorist threats. A breakdown of security can make all other needs unimportant until this one is rebuilt. Just think about if you lost your house to a flood, how would you respond to the threat on your security? Would food or clean clothing be as important or would they take a back seat to re-securing a home?

Comfort is also an important need for people. With comfort you add food, clothing, and other material goods. Generally these would be things to enhance the security of your life. Nourishment of your body, mind and heart comes from providing comfort for yourself. Comfort in a relationship could be trust, honesty, openness and commonality. Without comfort you could experience malnourishment, depression and other physical and emotional stress.

Love is the last need that I’m going to cover here. Love is relative to each person, and is not restricted to intimate spousal love. Friendships and familial love are also important in your life for balance. It’s hard to be happy if you feel unloved. People who feel unloved can experience depression, stress and some have taken their own life. Love is just that important.

As a submissive, you may have additional base needs that a dominant provides. The sense of control from your partner is one that I can think of. In order for you to feel whole in your submission you may need a dominant to exert control over you. This is considered a need; you can’t be submissive without it.

Need Deficits

A lot of what we experience as stress and depression and a sense of lacking is due to our needs not being filled completely. These deficits impact us in different ways, but over the long term the lack of having our needs met can make us ill, very unhappy and frustrated. For example, what happens if your greatest need of affection wasn’t being reached? Would you feel unwanted, alone, frustrated and unhappy? Of course you would!

Not all feelings of sadness, frustration or depression have to do with lack of satisfied needs, but most can be lead back to a basic need or desire being ignored. It is my belief that more divorces happen because someone’s needs aren’t being met than any other reason. Open and honest conversation could have prevented some compatibility issues in many relationships.

As with all D/s relationships, communication is encouraged anyway, so make sure your needs are communicated as well. If they change, let your partner know. The power exchange has to do with needs as well as everything else in the relationship, use it to get what you need.

Settling For Less

So you’ve found out what your needs are, and you are entering a relationship. What if you can’t get all of your needs met in that relationship? Do you settle for less than what you need? How do you cope? Getting only some of your needs met, as I’ve said before, can have bad consequences and could mean the end of the relationship.

When it comes to needs you should never settle for less. There is a reason why you have made a list of needs compared to wants. Needs are just that. You have to have them to be happy. Make sure you share you needs long before your wants hit the table.

The next time you take a look at your needs list, make a note of how important that need is. You can always scale them so that you can make sure your base needs are being met. Never settle for less than what you require. Submissives have needs too, make sure yours get met.

Wants and Needs Series

1. Know What You Want, Learn What You Need
2. Distinguishing Between Wants and Needs
3. The Importance of Needs
4. Expressions of Wants and Needs
5. What Should You Do When Your Wants or Needs Aren't Met?

Finding a Compatible Partner in the Lifestyle

“It’s so hard to find someone in the Lifestyle that I’m compatible with. You are so lucky to have found someone.”

I don’t know how many times I hear this on a daily basis when conversing. It always brings up my view on the whole dating atmosphere within the Lifestyle. Yes, it is hard to find that special partner who will give you what you want and compliment you in every aspect. However, think back to when you were dating in the vanilla realm. Was it just as hard? Some of you will say no, some will say yes. Those of you that say no, why is that you think?

(Why it seems like there are so few prospective partners to choose from is a different issue.)

Here’s what my opinion is on the subject. Vanilla dating seemed so much easier because we were not upfront and forward about what we needed and wanted in a relationship. Most regular dates I went on before finding my Master never included even the type of person I was looking for physically, let alone telling the person what you wanted in bed or out of the relationship as a whole. You just don’t talk about those things on dates until you both decide to try the relationship thing. In vanilla relationships, what you want and need is usually secretive at first, if expressed at all. Is it hard to find a partner in a vanilla world? Hell yes.

The difference with a BDSM or Lifestyle relationship is that we practically introduce ourselves with a checklist and wants and needs list. We come to the date and begin asking those direct questions of: what are you looking for in a Dom/sub? What do you see the ideal relationship being? What do you like to do during scene?

I feel that we approach a Lifestyle date very differently than we would in a vanilla context. Think about it the next time you are out on a new date. What do you talk about, what do you share with this stranger that you met not long ago? Now how would you go on a similar date with someone in a vanilla relationship? Would you be as upfront to them? No, most likely not. Why is that? You don’t want to scare them away, make them think you are a freak? Many other excuses come to mind.

So, you are thinking, if we come to people up front and share what we want and who we are, why is it still so hard to find the one we need in our lives? Simple, compatibility is hard. We are open with people from the start and so we shuffle through perspective people faster than traditional relationship cycles. This makes us feel like we will never find someone that works for us. It brings us down and envious of people that have found someone to be with, even for a time.

How we approach a Lifestyle date vs. a traditional date is what affects the way we find a partner. Some are looking for play partners, and we express that rather immediately with a Lifestyle date; however in a traditional date you wouldn’t say that you were just looking for someone for the sack and not expect to get slapped or called some offensive names. Those of us looking for relationships we sit down for our dates and talk about what we want and need in a relationship, right down to specifics. We get to know what the other person wants and needs, how they act in situations, how they see themselves and who they want to be years down the road. We know what they are like right way and can decide rather quickly if they will be a decent partner or not. A traditional date is superficial. It’s called date talk. Basically its small talk, where neither party really volunteers any sort of information that would be beneficial to learning if that person is compatible. They just want to get out of the date or make it to the next. Traditional dating is a longer process of getting to know one another, opening up and finding out that the person you’ve been seeing for months isn’t compatible with what you are looking for on one level or another.

Dating is dating. It’s not easy and how we approach is affects the outcome. A BDSM relationship is there for everyone. It’s not easy, but neither is a vanilla relationship. Once you adjust your thinking to how we go about dating and the changes in life that the Lifestyle brings upon us you will see that finding a partner is never easy. Once you do find that special one, you will be grateful for all the hard work.