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The Top 30 Posts of 2009
January 5, 2010 by lunaKM
Filed under Views on D/s
A year ago I started a small blog project called Submissive Guide. I wanted it to be an organized place where I could voice my opinions about submission, help novices discover who they are and explore BDSM through the written word. Since that time it has grown to so much more, including an e-book, a newsletter and video posts.
To celebrate one year of excellent writing I wanted to showcase the top 30 posts of 2009. I’ve noted in the link if the author was a guest post. Please take a look at what has had the most views since starting out one year ago. You may have missed a few gems!
- What is slave training?
- Rituals that Work
- 2 Weeks to Better Submissive Positions
- Best Submissive Blogslist
- The Difference Between Bottom, Masochist, Submissive and Slave
- 7 Things You Can Do Today to Improve Your Submission
- Discovering Your Submissive Nature
- How to Beg When Asked
- Mapping Out Your Ideal Submission
- A Great Example of a Slave’s Rosary
- Learning To Kneel (from 2 Weeks to Better Submissive Positions)
- The Importance of Rules
- Beginning Your Training Resume
- Dominance as a Slave Training Tool for Better Submission
- Caring For Yourself After a Scene: Self-Aftercare
- The BDSM Checklist That Will Really Help You
- Offering Your Body for Service (from 2 Weeks to Better Submissive Positions)
- What it Means to be an Owned Kajira by dina
- The Nitty Gritty of the BDSM Lifestyle
- 5 Ways to Recognize Topping from the Bottom
- Another 7 Things You Can Do Today to Improve Your Submission
- Your Bathing Regime
- Where to Buy a Collar Online
- The Importance of Journaling Your Submission
- Pet Play and Human Pets Primer by skylerpet
- The Realities of Online Submission
- Two Dominants by Aria
- Submission By Choice: Learned Submission
- Sub Drop’s Emotional Side
- 10 Helpful Websites for the Busy Submissive
Here’s to another year of great content!
Why You Should Sign Up for the Submissive Guide Newsletter
November 27, 2009 by lunaKM
Filed under Views on D/s
The Submissive Guide Newsletter is your personal direct channel to what’s on my mind. It’s delivered every 2 weeks right to your inbox for you to read at your own leisure. You are missing out if you haven’t signed up. I’ve got so much more to tell you; and I’m doing it with the newsletter. In just 2 months over 100 people have signed up to get the best of Submissive Guide sent directly to them.
But what else do you get with your subscription?
- Unique, quality content delivered directly to your email!
- Essays and tips not available on the website!
- Some of the best essays from the site!
- Each newsletter is on a different topic, and you drive the suggestions for topics!
- Occasional updates about Submissive Guide!
- First chance at new promotions, contests, giveaways and new features!
And that’s not all….
When you subscribe now you will get my new report on Wants and Needs: Knowing what you need and expressing your desires absolutely free, just for signing up. The report is 18 pages of useful and quality information that every novice submissive could use.
photo by bravenewtraveler
SubWise #2: Advice You Swear By
Last week I asked you to share some advice that you live by or love passing on to novices because it worked so well for you. Here’s the submissions I got. There is some excellent advice here folks! Check it out. Make sure you leave comments!
Participants, repost the link list within a week and you’re all set.
The conversation isn’t over. If you would like to share your advice, please do so in the comments!
Should There Be Clear Definitions to Label Yourself In This Lifestyle?
September 25, 2009 by lunaKM
Filed under Defining Submission, Society and Norms
So, you’ve met submissives and slaves online, their Dominant and Master counterparts but as you get to know them and how they interact you start to see the things they do blurring the lines of what you had believed a submissive was, or that a slave wasn’t supposed to act this way, etc. It brings about quite a difficult and confusing time for novice submissives when they try to put themselves into a box where definition X might not apply to them, but sub-definition for Y does. Then they talk to someone else and neither X nor Y apply to them but some unknown before Z definition.
How do you keep it all straight?
For example, I call myself a submissive but people who have read my blog have called me slave, and also had people at munch groups call me slave. I’m not comfortable with my definition of being a slave so I sit at submissive. Then you have people who read my blog and wonder if I’m submissive at all. The range of personal definitions is that varied.
So should there be a solid set of definitions that people can choose from? Other than the dictionary definitions that is; something lifestyle related that we can point to and say if you fit into a, b and c you are submissive, but if you feel more like d, e and f you are slave. If we had to come up with specific definitions what would be in your list for each label? What traits would you look for to be a submissive trait but not a slave trait?
I read on K’s blog today about her issue with labels and her need to put people under a label in order to relate to them. She brings up a good point about definitions and labels though. In many cases the character traits of one are not mutually exclusive to a specific label. What do you do then? Create a blur zone, of course. In this blur zone are all the things that can apply to both submissive and slave. This blur zone is so large that there is no wonder why novices have such a hard time learning what they are and where they can place themselves.
She asked for a dichotomy map to help her place people, but the problem with a dichotomy chart for submissive and slave tendencies, I think, is that you need a cube instead of a flat map to place people. Not only will people be able to place themselves in the right places, but also the right planes for them.
That’s why I try so hard to have people who read this blog define their own submission, but that submission is right. No one is going to do your submission better than you do. You also can’t expect anyone else to have the same definition as you do.
Applying labels and using those definitions is practically impossible.
What do you think? Should there be clearer definitions for submissive and slave?
photo by Felix Francis
Exploring Your Place in BDSM Play
September 23, 2009 by lunaKM
Filed under BDSM Basics
Submission during play can be overwhelming. How do you understand what you might like? What about the buzz words of subspace and sub drop? One of Submissive Guide’s goals is to help novice submissives understand BDSM and their place in it. To help you begin your exploration I’ve put together a list of the posts here to help you on your journey.
- Why BDSM is NOT D/s – skylarpet shares her thoughts on the differences between BDSM and the relationship type D/s.
- Safe Sane and Consensual – Learn what your responsibilities are when it comes to playing.
- RACK – SSC not your idea of a good way to play? Try Risk Aware Consensual Kink.
- The BDSM Checklist that will Really Help You – Checklists offered online are extensive, overwhelming and increasingly not useful. Learn how to write one that will work with your development.
- Using Playtime Check-Ins Wisely – Communicating effectively during play is vital to a comfortable and pleasurable playtime.
- To Safeword or Not to Safeword – The use of safewords in BDSM and deciding if they are important to you.
- Nonverbal Ways to Safeword – How do you express discomfort or the need to stop when you are gagged or hooded? Come read about some nonverbal options.
- Packing a Toybag – Dominants are not the only ones who should come prepared. See what you should have with you when you play.
- Sub Space – What is it? Do I want it? How much does it cost?
- Emotional Aspects of Sub Drop – The crash when play is over can be physical and emotional. Take a look at the emotional side; which can be the hardest to deal with.
- Sub Frenzy – What is it and can you get it? Is it contagious? Find out how you can cool the fever!
- Aftercare for Yourself – Putting together a kit to help you heal after playing is important in casual and live-in relationships.
This isn’t all there is to BDSM play, trust me. But it’s a start. Now open for questions!
photo by spankmeeehard
SubWise #2: Advice You Swear By – Participation Request
This is the second SubWise! You know what to do by now. I’m going to give you a topic to write about and your task goes like this:
- Write about the topic in your blog or online journal. You don’t have to have a blog to participate. If you have a FetLife account you can use your writing section. Other communities also have journal areas where you can post your response.
- Send me an email letting me know where to find your post about the topic. I need the URL to the post, not the link to your home page of the blog.
- Repost the list of posts within one week of when they are published on this site.
I’m going to give you one week to write and submit your response. The topic carnival will be published on August 28th so all submissions should be received by August 28th at midnight CST. Please feel free to let your friends know about this carnival. The more people that participate the better!
Okay so the topic you will be writing about is:
What is some advice that was given to you that really helped you explore your submission that you swear by now? Why has it helped you?
OR
What advice would you give a novice that you wish someone would have given to you? What is the back story behind why you needed that advice?
The Safety Disguise of Safewords
I’ve always believed that safewords are only good if you know how to use them. Good ole communication is great for things like numb limbs, an itch you can’t reach or a bathroom break. Submissive Guide is here for novices and it’s always good to teach about safewords and recommend that you have one.
In every beginning BDSM book you will find information on safewords. On this site I have an essay on safewords. What I’ve read recently from Emma is some very obvious news about safewords that most people don’t pick up on their own and never share with others. Well, I’m going to share it with you.
Protect Your Safety
In a play situation you need to establish trust with your play partner. If you choose to play with a relative stranger you are putting yourself in danger of not having your safeword respected. Safewords can not protect you from someone who intends to do you harm. No matter how many times you shout ‘red’ in a dangerous situation a predator will not heed. Just like a stop sign, it only works if drivers obey the law and actually stop. The trust that is needed in a relationship is what makes a safe word really work for you.
Don’t ever expect your safeword to protect you. I’ve read horror stories where a submissive said she thought her safeword was all she needed to stay safe. A lot of the BDSM play we engage in is inherently dangerous and risky (even if you believe in Safe, Sane and Consensual). A verbalized stop word is not going to make you any safer.
It Starts With Trust
You can not have safewords without trust. As you’ve read and hopefully understand now a safeword is a false blanket of security. Building trust with your partner is all about open, honest communication and respect. How do you build trust?
The answer is acceptance.
Once you accept your partner for who they are then your trust will come right along with it. Sure that means you need to accept yourself first and we are always hearing about that, but in this article we are building trust in our partner so that if we choose to use safewords they will work.
Negotiate, Negotiate, Negotiate
Every relationship starts somewhere, even the quick and casual play partners are relationships. I can’t stress enough that you need to communicate and share your needs and desires in order to get them. Doing this also includes requesting and agreeing on a safeword if works for you. Even if a Dominant doesn’t believe in safewords, a negotiation where a safeword is requested should be honored.
Say ‘No’
In the worst situation imaginable where your safeword is being ignored, begin screaming ‘no’. Unfortunately this won’t necessarily make the person stop but it will give you some legal leverage later. Not all legal authorities understand or respect stop words, our safewords. They will ask if you said ‘no’.
Wrapping It Up
It’s not my intention to scare you or convince you that you shouldn’t have a safeword. I’m hoping that what you’ve learned is that you need to have more than a word to protect you if you plan to play.
Do you have any other advice about safewords that you’d like to pass on?
Would you like to get a topical newsletter sent directly to your email on a regular basis?
September 12, 2009 by lunaKM
Filed under Webmaster Notes
Submissive Guide now has a bi-weekly newsletter that can help you improve submission and explore BDSM, just like the website. Why subscribe to the newsletter?
- Unique, quality content delivered directly to your email!
- Essays and tips not available on the website!
- Each newsletter is on a different topic, and you drive the suggestions for topics!
- Occasional updates about Submissive Guide!
- First chance at new promotions, contests, giveaways and new features!
And that’s not all….
When you subscribe now you will get my new report on Wants and Needs: Knowing what you need and expressing your desires absolutely free, just for signing up. The report is 18 pages of useful and quality information that every novice submissive could use.
Newsletter
September 3, 2009 by lunaKM
Filed under Defining Submission
Comments Off
Would you like to get a topical newsletter sent directly to your email on a regular basis?
Submissive Guide now has a bi-monthly newsletter that can help you improve submission and explore BDSM, just like the website. Why subscribe to the newsletter?
- Unique, quality content delivered directly to your email!
- Essays and tips not available on the website! (Essays posted on the site 6 months after they are sent in a newsletter)
- Some of the best essays from the site!
- Each newsletter is on a different topic, and you drive the suggestions for topics!
- Occasional updates about Submissive Guide!
- First chance at new promotions, contests, giveaways and new features!
And that’s not all….
When you subscribe now you will get my new report on Wants and Needs: Knowing what you need and expressing your desires absolutely free, just for signing up. The report is 18 pages of useful and quality information that every novice submissive could use.
Freebies
September 1, 2009 by lunaKM
Filed under Defining Submission
Comments Off
Here at Submissive Guide I try to provide a lot of information for free so that you can learn and grow at your own pace. The products I provide here are quality ebooks and reports on specific topics that have importance to a novice and experienced submissive alike.
Newsletter
As of September 2009, I started a topic-based newsletter sent out once every few weeks to focus on types of service and submission. These are sent directly to your email when they are produced. If you sign up now, you will get my free ebook on Wants and Needs.
E-Books
(no e-books are available yet)
Simply Service Newsletter
A fantastic once monthly newsletter (now inactive). I store all of the archives here on Submissive Guide. There is some wonderful service related articles!
Online Finds
Wonderful resources available for download. This list is always changing, check back often!
View the current list of Online Finds!
Review: The New Bottoming Book
This month’s book review is of one of the books I gave away in the July Book Contest. The New Bottoming Book by Dossie Easton and Janet W. Hardy (formerly Lady Green) is a great beginner’s guide to bottoming. According to the authors, this “new version” contains much of the original advice, like “connecting” and negotiation, but also has new and much-needed information.
The book is divided into two sections. The first one is about skills. These chapters help novices make decisions about who they are as a bottom, what checklists are, how to make one, including the way I recommended here not long ago, bridging the gap between fantasy and reality and finding a Top that will give you what you need and want. There is a big section on meeting someone online via chat rooms, mailing lists and/or Internet newsgroups and how to convert from “cyber” to “real-time,” and dealing with the fact that their “reality” may not match yours.
The second section starts describing different “scenes”, their ‘rewards’ and also tips on beginning and ending them Also included are sections on role play, with short subsections about bondage and submission. It has small sections on dressing, public play, sensation play and other thoughts when it comes to actual scenes. I feel these chapters are nice for a very fresh novice, but not necessary when someone has already been exploring somewhat.
All in all I find the book very basic in it’s explaining what bottoming is and how to start on that path. Certainly recommended for the novice this book can help shed the nervousness and dispel the fantasy of play.
Product Details
- luna’s Rating: 6 out of 10
- Paperback: 200 pages
- Publisher: Greenery Press (CA); 2nd edition (December 1, 2001)
- Language: English
- ISBN-10: 1890159352
- ISBN-13: 978-1890159351
The Many Faces of Submission
July 22, 2009 by lunaKM
Filed under Defining Submission
Types of submissives come in as many varieties as wines; there is one for every palette and preference. When someone tells you that you are submissive and you finally admit to yourself that you are submissive, which can be a journey itself, you can figure out how your submission differs from another by what type of submissive you are.
What I’m about to lay out for you is not the only way these terms can be described but it is a good measure for the novice and open to your interpretation. No one way to serve is better than another in this list. Remember that not matter where we are on the mountainous journey, the goal is the same. Surrender.
The Bottom
The bottom is the person who in the BDSM lifestyle enjoys receiving sensation. They always wish to be on the receiving end of the flogger or other sensation. The bottom may direct the session before or during the session; the bottom maintains the control. The act of bottoming is not always sexual. The bottom does not release real control to the top rather it is more of a mutual partnership. Some good examples of “The Bottom” are those who are in to the spanking sect of the lifestyle. I have met spankers who will tell you they are not submissive and they don’t have a submissive bone in their body. They are in this for the sexual pleasure of the pain. The bottom is more of a role played rather then a state of mind.
The Bedroom Submissive
The best way to portray this type of submissive is in every facet of life s/he may be vanilla or even Dominant but when the bedroom door shuts the roles drop and s/he submits to the Dominant. The bedroom is where the power exchange happens and stays. This is almost always sexual. In the bedroom the act of submission is complete, however when the bedroom door is open the bedroom submissive returns to the vanilla world or role.
The Psychological Submissive
The physchological submissive begins his or her submission in their mind. This submissive is submissive in and out of the bedroom. They generally have a need to submit or surrender to a Dominant. The act of submission is mental. S/he can give as much or as little as they wish ot or need to give. They then become the responsibility of the Dominant to determine the direction of the relationship. The surrendering is the power exchange. Once the surrender occurs they can become an empty vessel for the Dominant. Love is not required, as this is a mental and psychological submission.
The Slave Heart Submissive
This submissive wishes to surrender everything without becoming a slave. In comparison with the psychological submissive, a slave heart submissive craves the love of the Dominant they submit to. The act of submission is full of emotion and love. S/he gives all they have for the return of love and trust from the Dominant they serve.
The Slave
Unlike the submissive, a slave must surrender completely and be in complete control of a Master. The slave must feel completely owned. The slave usually feels like nothing until Masters gives them a slave identity. When Masters is happy the slave is happy. Many slaves I have talked to feel this way. They feel most complete when with Masters. The slave beams when s/he brings Master pleasure. The slave must surrender, and the slave is not happy until s/he has surrendered. The slave feels completed when surrendering to a Master.
I found the following analogy to be quite interesting and so I am going to share it here. I find that it works well in describing submission in terms that novices might connect better with. It comes from The Australian BDSM Information Site.
| Submission is like drinking a glass of water |
| Immediate submissives might have water only when they eat curry. They don’t do it for itself really, they drink it because it makes the curry much better, cleanses the mouth, cuts the fire, makes them able to eat more. They wouldn’t think of drinking water without the curry. |
| Psychological submissives drink water because they like it. Sure they will drink it with curry, but they’ll drink it with roast beef, they’ll drink it with sandwiches, they’ll drink it without food at all–because they like the taste, the way if flows down the gullet, the cleansing feel. |
| The slave is someone in a hot climate. They have to drink water. Nothing else does the job. They can try wine or beer or sweet drinks, but when push comes to shove they must have clean water, because the others don’t cure the thirst. They might allay it some but when the heat is very fierce, water is the only solution. |
What do you think of this analogy? Are there types of submissives that I missed?
Further Reading
An excellent essay was shared with my on FetLife by MsKestrel. She has written an essay about the paradigm of submission and I wanted to share it with you here. Please feel free to leave comments on her essay.
A Chautauqua: On Submission – State of Surrender
photo by tanitta
Donate Your Old BDSM Books to Submissive Guide
June 27, 2009 by lunaKM
Filed under Video Posts, Webmaster Notes
This week’s video post is a plea for your assistance with books for the review section of this site.
I’m working on bringing you more book reviews more often. In order to do this I would love to have some help from all of you. There are different levels of help and please hear me out before you dismiss this as just a ploy to get materials or money from you.
The book reviews on this site benefit novice and experienced submissives alike. I do them because I know that the wide expanse of information available can be scary. Hopefully with my reviews, submissives (and maybe a few Dominants) can find books that will help them on their journey.
I don’t personally have a lot of books to review. I am able to buy maybe one every few months with the income I get from this website so far. So I’m looking to you for help.
- Go through your BDSM library and pull out any books you don’t want anymore or never got around to reading. I’d love to have them for the Submissive Guide library here to review. Just contact me via subguide@gmail.com and I will get you my mailing address. If you need postage paid, I will do that as well.(paid through PayPal)
- Go through your BDSM library and pull out any books you wouldn’t mind lending to me. In this case I would push your book to the top of the reading list and once complete I would mail it back to you. You could be Submissive Guide’s personal librarian. If you need postage paid, I will do that also. (paid through PayPal)
- Go to Amazon.com and view my wishlist. You could buy any of the books there for me to review. All of the ones listed are ones I’d like to have a review on Submissive Guide for. You can help me that way and decide the amount you want to spend.
- Go to Amazon.com and give me a gift certificate. You can use the same email address: subguide@gmail.com and send it to me. This way you can help me with some funds to buy books for the reviews. Any gift certificates I receive this way would be used for review books only, you have my promise.
- If you can’t help any other way, please just let me know what books you’d like to see reviewed here in the future. I will add them to my wishlist and purchase them when I can. Your help is much appreciated.
Thank you!
–luna
Review: SlaveCraft
Traveling further into your submission is something that most of us strive for. We want to seek the inner wisdom that will make us the best submissives or slaves we can be. Well I think I’ve found a book that will move your surrender further and deeper than it has before. SlaveCraft: Roadmaps for Erotic Servitude, principles, skills and tools by a grateful slave is a treasure of a read for those a bit further down the path of service than a complete novice.
Written in the form of a series of essays, this book let’s you take of little bits of infomation and digests them in a way that makes them feel personal and inspiring. The way the slave uses metaphors to describe his principles are beyond amazing. I walked away from every essay with new and exciting ideas (some of which have become posts on this blog).
Don’t get me wrong, SlaveCraft is a great book, but not for the novice. The author writes for the submissive or slave who may already have experience and thus understand the skills and tools that will help deepen their surrender. His four principles that he describes in detail are Identity, Obedience, Tranparency and Humility. Each one is artfully discussed so that while you may be walking in his world of surrender you can apply them to your own service quite easily.
If you are a novice you might like the next book that I’m going to review, but for now remember, one day you will be able to touch the deepest surrender with this book.
Product Details
- Paperback: 184 pages
- Publisher: Daedalus Publishing Company (April 2002)
- Language: English
- ISBN-10: 1881943143
- luna’s Rating: 9/10
Buy SlaveCraft: Roadmaps for Erotic Servitude–Principles, Skills and Tools
Sub Space: The Ultimate Frontier
Exploring submission play can involve intense sensation. As a normal part of some submissive’s play is sub space. Not everyone reaches subspace each and every time and you can not expect to reach it at all. Sub space is a way your body responds to endorphins. Described as similar to a runner’s high this is a good feeling and one to be enjoyed if you ever get there.
Subspace is a mental and physical response to the high levels of endorphins produced during play. It can manifest in many different ways and no one subspace is the same as another. Submissives will even describe thier subspace completely differently than another person. This is normal and is probably why it’s so hard to describe exactly what sub space is in more specific terms. For some people it is a sense of floating or out of body experience. For others, subspace is a quiet zen-like state. For me, it’s when pain becomes funny. I start laughing and giggling. I can take more pain then and ultimately just feel great. I can go non-verbal near the end as well. All grand.
Entering sub space when you are a novice can be dangerous. When in this space your ability to stop play or fight off anyone is gone. You are at the mercy of the Dominant. If you do not know this person well you could be setting yourself up for harm. Always negotiate all play, including level of space you wish to get to. Keep talking if you want to stay out of space, stay engaged in what is happening and you will be safer.
Sometimes in space you can not feel pain the same way and so you can take higher levels of pain. The danger here is a Dominant that does not know you well could hit you too hard and you could end up with damaged nerves or broken bones. Trust is important in a relationship so keep space to a relationship unless you have the trust with a friendship Dominant.
There are essays all over the internet that describe different forms of sub space. None of them are wrong. and you can learn from all of them. One of my favorites is Mistress Steel’s description of all the different spaces that people can go though. You can read the essay at The Steele Door. She breaks down sub space into several levels with descriptions of each level. I like how it’s described enough that you can see yourself in the descriptions and follow how you ebb and flow through your own space.
How would you describe your sub space? Do you need pain to get there?
Dominance as a Slave Training Tool for Better Submission
June 4, 2009 by lunaKM
Filed under Defining Submission, Mindset
When starting out in submission, there are a lot of roads you can choose and so many people direct novices to training and needing to be trained. Most of these novices then seek out a Master or Dominant to train them. This concept that the Dominant can teach the submissive more about surrender is a myth. Dominants only provide submissives with the tools they need to then seek further surrender.
My stand on this a stepping off point from the video post about Slave Training. I said in that post that training was everything that you do for your Dominant when directed to do so in a certain manner. That is partially correct. Yes, in a basic form that is training in a relationship, but it does not work towards a submissive’s ultimate goal of deeper surrender. If you want to deepen your surrender then you need to look inside yourself and learn what it really is to be submissive, find that core of desire within yourself and fan the flames. A Dominant does not know how to do this and can not help you get there. This is your personal journey; the journey inwards.
Think about how many times you’ve thought that your Dominant (or any Dominant) just doesn’t understand where you are coming from, or how hard it is to submit all the time. That’s exactly it. A Dominant can not get in touch with their submissive side, and believe me, everyone has one. If they are in their Dom Hat, tThey can think intellectually about your submission, but they can’t touch on the emotional, passionate side of your submission – the part that drives you to do things with joy and love and fulfillment.
Dominants that may have submitted first in their explorations or switches have a different but similar issue. They may know what it’s like, or what an experience did to them, but they still can’t help you. What they felt or dealt with as far as struggle will be different for them than for you. The advice they may give you is based on how they interacted with the experience. Even if they felt deep in submission during that time, once they put that Dom Hat back on, they can’t get in touch with it. It’s a road block.
What can you do to improve your submission if you can’t be trained in it by your Dominant? Your Dominant is still a valuable tool for slave training and we can use them as a tool for our own development. Take the rules and orders they give us, how do they mold us if we are also seeking a deeper level of submission. Can we make them a learning experience to be able to focus deeper on our own? Most of the time, Dominants allow and encourage submissives to speak to other submissives. There is an intelligent reasoning behind this. You can and do pick up training from other submissives. All the time, I am asked for help and assistance and can only hope that along with the advice they are learning how to figure it out for themselves and internalize it.
You may not actively want a mentor, but each and every submissive you exchange information and knowledge with is mentoring you and you are mentoring them. Even wise and experienced submissives learn from the younger. How do you see your conversations with submissives improving your own submission? If you can’t see it, look harder. And if that doesn’t help you, use this site as an example. You are reading this post, picking up information and many of you will take something away from it and learn. Others will find another article to do the same thing.
I’m just a submissive with an ability to express myself and a desire to help other submissives. I am a tool that a Dominant will want you to come seek out when you need to understand your submission and improve it. So the next time that you hear Slave Training and a Master that says they can train you, I’d ask direct questions as to how they can show you about surrender when they do not submit. It’s not a challenge to Dominance at all for they can train you – just not in your own submission. You have to seek that out; whether within you or from senior submissives.
When Submissives Go Wild: Sub Frenzy
June 3, 2009 by lunaKM
Filed under BDSM Basics
Submissive Frenzy is a state of mind that you may experience at any point in your submission. It is most commonly associated with new submissives, but it can also come about when more seasoned submissives end a relationship or even during a relationship. During submissive frenzy, you may feel a desperate need to have your desires fullfilled. Many of the activities in BDSM can be considered addictive and frenzy is much like a withdrawl stage.
I imagine that many of you during your younger years found a unspecific need or desire for something that you could not name. It possibly caused confusion and frustration and perhaps outbursts. You couldn’t name what you were needing, but there was a need. Then when you found out about submission and BDSM there was a moment where that need was named. In that moment it is likely that you began the initial stages of submissive frenzy.
You wanted it, you needed it, you had to have it and anything you could do to experience what you were longing for for so long had to be met. Dangerously, this leads to lack of common sense and rational thought, desperation and risky behavior. It is quite common that first experiences done in this frenzy can have a negative or damaging effect on the novice submissive. Your judgement is blurred and the Dominant you are in contact with could seem too wonderful, you ‘fall in love’ faster and will do anything to experience what they are offering.
During my initial sub frenzy I met with a Dominant at their house, at night, for the first time. He was nice at first, but then things lead to play and it went too far. He harmed me in a no go zone. I accepted his apology but just 2 weeks later, he did the same thing again. This time landing me in the ER to have my tailbone area drained of fluid and bruising. This event straightened me up pretty fast and I become more cautious of who I saw and when. I would never wish this experience on anyone, however. Try not to feed the frenzy, no matter how desperate you may be.
As I noted earlier this state of frenzy can occur at any point in a submissive’s life and is not limited to the new submissive. In fact, it occurs sometimes even stronger in more seasoned submissives. They have a need that they recognize as perhaps to ‘have their edges taken off’, and they know exactly how that can be done through their own experience. The difference is that the older submissive can then ‘evaluate’ what part of their need is pressing upon them. Many then learn to go to a Dominant they are not bonded to and ask this person they trust (often as a good friend) to relieve their physical need (play). Many Dominant’s (experienced ones) will be willing to assist or aide their friend knowing that keeping the submissives edges down will allow that submissive to retain the majority of their rational functions while they are seeking their next mate. This action ‘reduces’ the submissives vulnerability. – Sub Frenzies, Mistress Steele
You may need and want to have your desires met with such fervor that you make the wrong decisions, but hopefully I have given you tools here on Submissive Guide to recognize what is safe and what is not. Frenzy is a natural response to the needs you are discovering. Allowing it to take over your other primary goals in life, however is dangerous and should be monitored. Find friends in the lifestyle and talk to them when you are feeling a surge in desire. Try to keep the monster at bay until you can find an outlet in a safe and rational way.
photo by tonypavone
Do You Answer When Submission Calls You?
May 29, 2009 by lunaKM
Filed under Defining Submission
There is no way to be sure but, the large majority of information about the D/s lifestyle is in fiction form. While it’s nice to escape into emotional and physical stories, they are fantasy. For submissives looking to get their feet wet, these stories could hinder or harm the very ideas that develop in the brain as far as how things really are. Fictional material leaves gaping holes in your understanding of submission and the D/s dynamic. The more experienced submissive will find BDSM fiction to be mostly useless and uninteresting. So many will say that it is nothing similar to what they do day after day for those they serve.
What we need to do is establish a visible understanding of what submission is like to those looking through the fantasy for the reality of it all. Submissive Guide does try to portray it with as little sugar-coating as possible. I look to people who experience things that I don’t for information that can benefit you. I write about topics that are timely and yet timeless. There will always be novice submissives, and I hope that Submissive Guide will always be there to lead them along the real path.
But what about you? Do you listen to your heart and that voice inside telling you what you should and could be doing? Is there a call to bend your knee to someone special? I’m not here to tell you that my submission is better than yours or that your submission is not as deep as mine is; I’m here to guide you to YOUR perfect submission.
Getting Started
There are tools and resources aplenty if you want to start out in D/s. There are even more access points if you enter a local munch group or social outing for BDSM practitioners. Seek them out and feed your curiosity, don’t wait for them to come to you. Let your new life start now. Take that step. Ask questions, lots of questions and not just to other people. I highly recommend talking to yourself about what you are learning. Many submissives do this in a journal, but as long as you are having these conversations you can develop your perceptions on submission. Submission is sensual and erotic, it is peaceful and loving but most of all it feels right when you found the mix that’s right for you.
So, look into the fiction that you hear about, The Story of O, The Beauty Trilogy, The Marketplace Series. I encourage you to read them all. See what fiction has created as far as the lifestyle and submission. What parts of it do you like and why? What would you like in your own submission? Just because something is written as fiction does not mean you can’t make it a part of your real submission.
Enhancing Your Spirit
Once you’ve found your path to submission it’s not time to relax and enjoy the ride, although you may be tempted. The most honorable submissives will tell you that what is valued more is a submissive willing to enhance their submission with new training, wider viewpoints, better understandings of nature, the world and the one they serve. Engage in polite debate with others about terms or ideas, generate opinions about different topics and be prepared to defend them. Create your personal submissive identity.
A submissive is not just a piece of property like a desk or a chair. A submissive improves with age, refines themselves, enriches the lives they touch. Much like a fine wine, although not kept on the shelf to collect dust and then once decanted is gone. The thirst for growth is infectious and innate in many submissives; some work hard for what they learn.
Answering The Call
So when you step foot into submission, don’t make it a passive affair. Engage your senses into your new life. Take charge of how you want your submission to grow and develop. Enhance your life with the talents you have, and try hard to use all of the passion and pleasure you can muster to not only make your Dominant happy, but yourself. Find that fulfillment.
In submission, you can find love… love for yourself. Answer that call.
A slave’s life is mostly composed of patience and study. Yes, study. If not with actual books, then following the example of greater, senior slaves. Or learning every nuance of their owner’s character, so that they can more completely and seamlessly offer themselves at the right time and in the right manner. — Laura Antoniou
photo by Dawn Ashley
The Truth About Orgasm Control and Denial
The idea of orgasm control or denial strikes fear in novice submissives. “What do you mean give over my ability to orgasm whenever I want?” Sure you could think of it that way, but in terms of your submission it could mean so much more. Let me start with the basic definitions.
Orgasm Control: When a Dominant takes over the right to a submissive’s orgasms. This can be from not allowing the submissive to come without permission to requiring that all orgasms be given by the Dominant. Many other variations also exist.
Orgasm Denial: This is much like a game to some Dominants. An activity where a submissive is brought to the brink of orgasm and then denied the permission to orgasm. Many times this also means the cessation of contact. It can be done occasionally during play or be a long term modification to that submissive’s rules.
The truth is that not all Dominants enjoy controlling a submissive’s orgasms and it is more likely seen in Female Dominant relationships. I don’t know the reason for this, nor do I have any statistics but only what I’ve seen and read. My Master is more into control than denial. He likes to know when I’m nearing orgasm. It’s a power and pleasure thing.
An interesting training option for orgasm control is Come on Command training. It’s a form of hypnotic suggestion that can and does work. Then the Dominant totally owns your orgasms because you can’t control them yourself. A trigger word, phrase or touch sets it off.
When it comes to your submission, offering over your sexuality in this way can be very humbling. An orgasm can be a lot of things to people. It can be stress relief, pleasure, connection or even just private time. Giving over your orgasms to someone else to control is part of ultimate surrender.
What are your thoughts on orgasm control? Is it something that is a part of your relationship?
photo by Driving in Heels
Recommended Reading for New Submissives
May 26, 2009 by lunaKM
Filed under BDSM Basics
The following is a list of books that I recommend for every novice submissive. The links lead you to Amazon if you are interested in buying the books. Part of your purchase goes towards supporting this site and my efforts at continuing to bring you content on this site.
Books
Learning the Ropes: A Basic Guide to Safe and Fun S/m Lovemaking
Different Loving: The World of Sexual Dominance and Submission
Sensuous Magic 2 Ed: A Guide to S/M for Adventurous Couples
Screw the Roses, Send Me the Thorns: The Romance and Sexual Sorcery of Sadomasochism
The Compleat Slave: Creating And Living An Erotic Dominant/submissive Lifestyle
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