Exploring Impact Play: A Variety of Pleasures

This is a guest post by bgtreasure for the BDSM Play Feature Series here on Submissive Guide.

I choose this topic to write about because it is my favorite form of play and has been since I’ve found this wonderful thing we call “The Lifestyle”.

The general definition of Impact Play that you will find in BDSM dictionaries:  Impact Play: Often referred to as edgy. The action is the same as paddling or spanking but done with the intent to cause deep tissue bruising. A bruise that is very painful and may take very long to heal.

So with the intent to cause deep tissue bruising which is something that I don’t really pay attention to it’s the more intense pounding and beating that gets me off.  I tend not bruise easily if at all.  I do consider this as a part of play that is edge play because serious damage could be done if it is not done correctly or without care for your partner.  I do however love when I do bruise and can feel it for the rest of the week and see the fruits of Sir’s labor.

Some instruments used for Impact Play are hands and fists, kicking, floggers and paddles which are of course used in various other forms of play but it is the intensity when using them that makes it Impact Play.  In my play it’s a steady rhythmic beating, building and building and intensifying as we go on.

When playing and going into this arena of play I find that I have to have a period of time to get my head straight with my partner, relaxing into him, relaxing my breathing and focusing on him before we start to play and we tend to build up rather than go full force out and out from the beginning.  Sir increases and decreases depending on where he knows that I am at and then pushes it to the level he wants me to be at.

I think the fact that I have to have a very special connection with my partner in order to go this far.  In my current relationship I believe our connection is so deep that he has taken me further then I have ever been and the experience each time after we first started playing has placed me in such a deep subspace that I literally can be beaten with any instrument and I just float, I feel as though I am on top of the world looking down at my body and my partner with a smile on my face swaying to some tune that is playing in my head.  Everything else drops away as each strike comes and becomes an expression of ecstasy.

Impact Play is generally the only type play (other than physically touching the genital area) that can make me come.  Again I think this comes because of our connection and that we can play so deeply and that he is in tune with my body but it sets off a reaction that somewhere deep in my mind that says this is hot, this is delicious, this makes you wet it’s time for you to come.  At first I thought it was a fluke because it’s not easy to make me come but as we continue to play more and specifically when he uses his hands as the instrument of torture I usually come and more than once.

Impact play for me is very freeing sometimes it’s like a very intense full body massage breaking the stress of the day, the week, the month.  I personally prefer when Sir uses his hands it makes it so much more personal and I believe strengthens our connection, however floggers and paddles can take me there as well.

bgtreasure is cofounder and conference organizer of Black BEAT Inc. (www.blackbeatinc.org), and cofounder of BESS (Baltimore Educational and Social Society). Bgtreasure has been involved in the BDSM lifestyle for over 9 years and has held various positions with other groups. Meeting people from all over and watching them share with others has truly been an eye opener for her. One of her proudest moments was (Black BEAT) winning the 2006 Pantheons Award for Small Event of the Year, and being nominated herself for the Pantheon regional award.  She enjoys networking with others and helping those new to the lifestyle. A submissive that enjoys many different aspects of this lifestyle, she is owned by Sir Mystical. Black BEAT is home for BG, her lifestyle accomplishments are commendable. She is also host along with Lady Z of Black BEAT’s Maryland Headquarters Munch Group.

She can be reached at bgtreasure@yahoo.com and on Yahoo and AIM messengers  and on fetlife under bgtreasure.

Photo by Luiza

5 Ways to Express Your Gratitude to Your Dominant

With Thanksgiving (USA) just around the corner I thought it would be fitting to write about gratitude, and how to express your gratitude to the one you serve. Sure you can say thank you. That’s standard. I really hope you take every opportunity to say thank  you, but what if you want a few more creative ways to show how appreciative you are to your Dominant?

Being thankful can take on many forms, and each time we feel that sensation of gratitude well up we can use a different display of appreciation. For example, thanking your Dominant for giving you an orgasm will be treated differently than if you are grateful that hold the power in your life. Orgasm gratitude is usually expressed immediately after while you may take awhile to express your feelings for the later.

Take a moment and come up with some things you are grateful in your life that you may not have had before you were in a relationship with your Dominant. How important are they to your development and your overall happiness? When was the last time you showed your appreciation for these things? Is it about time you did?

So, what ideas do you have for expressing yourself? They can be simple or elaborate, as long as they are your own. Make it honest and full of your service.

Offer

The first idea is to offer a service that you don’t normally do. It can be anything. Give a massage, bathe their feet, sexual service that you don’t pine after (for me that’s analingus). Be a foot stool, be their tax preparer. Anything that would just make their day and surprises them would fit the bill. Just remember to make it a part of yourself. Offering to pay for them to attend a salon is not the same thing, as offering yourself for a day of pampering.

Create

This idea isn’t about making something, but setting a mood. If you know your Dominant is going to coming home from a stressful day, it would be as simple as soft lights and maybe candles to help them relax and shed the outside world. Making sure the home is picked up and inviting can bring a lot of emotion attached to it. It not only shows that you care for the household possessions, but also how it makes people feel when they enter.

You can also create an atmosphere appropriate for whatever may be planned. If play is on the menu, then neatly prepare your play space. If dinner is the order of the day, setting the table as if you are in a fine restaurant can show your appreciation for a number of things.

Do

Take an idea from online for a ritual that you don’t do. Perhaps it can be kneeling and then lowering your face cheek to cheek to the floor in submission or kneeling when you bring their drink. Adding that bit of focused attention is a pleasant surprise to a Dominant and shows them that you care for how you present your submission. There is any number of things you can do in this vein. From a specific way you adopt to disrobe, to how you reply to requests in a set format. It’s not just up to the Dominant to add ritual and intensity to the relationship. Volunteering these simple steps will tell them that you thank them for the opportunity to serve them.

Make

Sure it’s quite easy to go to the store and purchase something for them, but when was the last time you made something for them? You don’t have to learn anything or have specific skills. Make a special dinner or dessert, write a card or poem, put together a photo album or mosaic. Something homemade has more meaning than a purchased item.

Coming up next week I’ll share ideas of what to give a Dominant, until then use your imagination!

Rededicate

Ultimately, this should only be done if you are really ready to deepen your relationship or there has been a lapse in the dynamic that you wish to try to repair. Again, the ritual that this involves can be simple to elaborate so let your mind develop what would work for you. Even just setting aside time to talk about how you wish to submit and offering that over voluntarily expresses how you love the relationship and what they do for you. Again, you don’t have to wait for the Dominant to tell you to create a ritual or process for doing something. I’ve gained so many rituals just by starting it and having him say he really likes it.

If you have gotten lazy in your rules, start really digging in and doing them before you get in trouble. Don’t let their distraction sway you. You want to serve, that’s why you are in this relationship so serve. Your submission just might deepen their Dominance and the rededication can you an exchange, just as it should be.

Lastly, remember to say thank you when you do these things. Make it about them. We take too much for granted anymore. Don’t let your relationship become one of those things. Relationships build because we work at them, show how much you appreciate everything they do and you will also reap the rewards.

How do you show your gratitude to your Dominant?

photo by FernR

Scheduled Maintenance 11/8/09 for Redesign

I just wanted to let everyone know that Submissive Guide will be unavailable Sunday 11-8-09 for about 3 hours in the afternoon while I apply a redesign. That’s right, Submissive Guide is getting a new look! I would like to thank those of you who helped me out with reviews of the sneak peak early this month.

During the down time this site will have a splash page with a notice that I am only down for maintenance and an estimate for return to normal. If you’d like up to the minute notice, I will be posting to twitter during the change and will notify twitter first when the new design is live and ready.

Here’s to a more colorful design that is hopefully an improved user experience!

When Protocol Becomes Boring

Protocol. It can be a scary word if you are new to submission. In a relationship, it is likely that you will have some protocol established to control your behavior. So, what is protocol? Simply defined, protocol is the set of special rules that you follow for defined situations that remind you of your place in the relationship. Every relationship is different and will have a different level of protocol. One of my first protocol rules was to call my Dominant ‘Master’ when in private and lifestyle event situations. It was a simple change in my normal behavior and a reminder of my place in the relationship.

As the protocols developed I was so excited to finally be doing what I had dreamed about and read in so many BDSM fiction books. I was living with rules and protocol and my mindset thrived. I felt so good about my place in the relationship and the happiness that Master displayed at my success. The pleasure I felt wasn’t just sexual it was like a part of my soul was finally being satisfied.

It didn’t last. After a few months I started to feel less happy about my protocol. It felt less like bliss and more like a chore. I had lost the attachment to WHY the protocol was in place to begin with; the reminder of my place in the relationship. The honeymoon period was over. Things got really rocky in our relationship because the effort involved in doing the protocol got more and more difficult for me, and the stress he experienced was just as bad.

What happened?

I lost focus for why the rules and protocols existed in the first place. I stopped feeling my submission when I obeyed and began rebelling with what I had gotten so used to doing for joy. I started looking to those fiction stories I’ve read for some sort of answer to my loss in vision. Why couldn’t I make the fantasy my reality? I was very stuck with that thought.

So what did I do?

Talk about it: I first approached my Dominant and explained to him how I was feeling and expressed that I didn’t like what had happened to me and us. We have a very open communication stream and it didn’t come as a surprise to him that this conversation was occurring. We talked about how long I had been feeling off task and also some ideas of what I could do to get back on track. It wasn’t an easy conversation as the fault, which is hard for me to take, was all mine.

The fantasy was just that; fantasy. I had to find my own reality in the protocols. I had to seek the happiness I once had and hang on to it. I started reviewing my rules on a daily basis. I developed a meditation routine to do to keep my submission blossoming. I learned how to self-correct my behavior before it became noticeable.

Most importantly, I made it a priority to create my own reality; one that would work better than trying to live a fantasy. It’s a constant work in progress and I still have my bad and good days. I know it will get better. One day I will be living as I’ve dreamed and the peace that I strive for everyday will find me.

photo by lepiaf.geo

Is It Submission If You Like What You’re Doing?

I love surfing the submissive blogs to see what other people are talking about. Many times it gives me something to talk about here on this site. This post is one such example. Over on Underhishand.com, kaya asked about submission and what qualifies it as submission. She asked if you are not expected to do things that you don’t like, can it be submission? Can activities that you would do normally become submission just by someone telling you to do them, or being directed to perform them?

It’s an interesting question and one that has me really thinking about what I consider submission, whether I would be considered a submissive for what I do and how would my life be if it fell into kaya’s philosophy. How would you decide what is considered submitting and what doesn’t?

In my opinion, anything that a Dominant asks the submissive to do is considered submission to them when performed. This can be as basic as making coffee in the morning to being forced to lick his shoes even though you have expressed a distaste for that.  Whether or not you would do them without direction doesn’t matter. It is still submission because the Dominant has expressed that x, y and z would make them happy.

For kaya, only things that are considered submission are things you have to be challenged, pushed and  forced to do. Essentially doing things that the only joy would be in knowing that your Dominant is happy that you did them.

If everything you’re doing is stuff that you would do on your own anyway, and the only difference now is that someone is telling you to do what you were already doing, and you’re never challenged or pushed or expected to, you know, actually submit to something or someone…. I have trouble seeing the submission. –kaya

Let’s use a basic example and apply it to kaya’s question in different situations. The activity I will use for this discussion is washing dishes. Let’s say that on a normal day a submissive not in a relationship does the dishes once a day before bed. It’s a habit that they have developed and maintained.

Entering into a relationship, this same submissive is told that they have to do the dishes once a day. Since they already have this habit in place, can this be submission? Yes it is because the Dominant has now expressed a desire for the submissive to maintain the habit they already have in place. You are submitting to the Dominant’s wishes to continue a desirable habit.

Now consider if the Dominant asked the submissive to wash the dishes within a half hour after dinner is complete. The dishes being washed is still only once a day but it means changing the habit to obey the Dominant and do them earlier. Is this now submission? In this instance I would also say that yes, it is submission. This is an example of behavior modification and once the submissive moves their habit to washing the dishes at the right time, the daily dish washing would still continue to be a routine that would likely continue with or without the Dominant. It would please the Dominant to have the submissive change their habit to suit their preferences.

Next the Dominant sets up a specific washing routine that the submissive needs to follow. This routine specifies what the submissive should wear to do dishes, what order to wash them in and perhaps even how they are to be placed in the drying rack. All of the items in this routine are different from what the submissive has been doing in their habit of washing the dishes once a day. Is this now submission? Yes. It’s a new routine that the submissive must follow and obey, and to please the Dominant, the new order must be upheld. Even if this would then become habit, the submissive performs for the Dominant’s pleasure.

What if another submissive enters the relationship and is asked to do the dishes on a daily basis. This submissive hates doing the dishes and yet is expected to fulfill the Dominant’s desire. Is this submissive MORE submissive than the other just based on the fact that they are being made to do something that they don’t normally enjoy or want to do? No. They are still submissive as long as they carry out the request.

What I’m trying to get at here, is that submission is based on what is agreed upon in the relationship. It can include things that you are happy doing and that make you feel good when you do them. There may also be things that challenge you, or push you to some limit and you have to perform them just as well. Putting limits on what is submissive and what isn’t is a lot like competition with others, that I’ve already expressed an opinion on.

It is an individual idea of what is submissive behavior and what isn’t. The importance is not to express it out loud to the person if you disagree with how they do things or if you define what they are doing as NOT submissive. Everyone has a right to live their life however they want, and if they submit by doing only things that they love and adore (and the Dominant agrees to this) then who’s to say that they aren’t submissive?

photo by three7zero

Chat Night Transcript From Sub Space and Sub Drop Talk

<~luna[KM]> Now I’d like to hear from everyone… have you experienced subspace? If you don’t know if you have, it’s okay.
<selene1123> i’m pretty new…so i think i have but am not sure
<slavelauren> i have
<radiogirl> I most definitely have
<pet_rain> i’m not sure  i think i would like a clear definition i’v heard different people desribe it differently
<selene1123> thank you pet_rain!  i am confused about some of the contradicting definitions
* ~luna[KM] smiles
<radiogirl> I think subspace would happen differently for each individual
<~luna[KM]> we will definitely be covering that
<slavelauren> i agree with that radiogirl
<~luna[KM]> I have experienced subspace as well, just so you all know where I’m coming from.
<pet_rain> yes everyone experiences everything differently
<~luna[KM]> welcome littlemiss96
<pet_rain> hi
<selene1123> hello
<slavelauren> hi littlemiss96
<littlemiss96> thanks…hi all
<~luna[KM]> we’ve just started talking about subspace and subdrop so jump right in when you feel comfortable.
<radiogirl> For me, subspace is also what I call my “happy place”
<~luna[KM]> are there other words for it?
<slavelauren> same for me
<~luna[KM]> euphoria?
<selene1123> i think that’s a good word for it
<radiogirl> yes, it is a euphoric place
<littlemiss96> i’m still really new to all this, but I think I got there last week…euphoria
<selene1123> like feeling the need to purr, lol
<~luna[KM]> it can also be a primal place
<radiogirl> but its where I am comfortable, secure in myself and my Master’s love
<~luna[KM]> one where you retreat to animal instincts
<radiogirl> yes
<radiogirl> that too
<radiogirl> :)
<slavelauren> so true
<~luna[KM]> So, as you can see sub space is a number of different things, but we can agree that it’s a happy euphoric sensation or ‘place’
<pet_rain> right like youve been redused down to your core and where you feel most content like there is nothing wrong in the world
<slavelauren> yes
<radiogirl> exactly
<selene1123> that perfect feeling
<slavelauren> oh yeah i like that
<pet_rain> okay then i’v experianced that i’v heard it defined very differently though
<radiogirl> so I have a question for you guys
<radiogirl> How do YOU get there?
<~luna[KM]> It’s different each and every time we play
<~luna[KM]> and I don’t get there everytime
<littlemiss96> sometimes its deeper than others
<selene1123> for me, it is through serving Master….even something as simple as dinner or desert
<radiogirl> yes of course littlemiss
<slavelauren> for me its the sound of Masters voice it doesnt matter if we are “playing” or not
<~luna[KM]> exactly, these are called triggers
<selene1123> i agree with you slavelauren
<selene1123> it is in or out of a schece
<slavelauren> we could be driving in His car
<selene1123> *scene
<radiogirl> it can be either for some people
<radiogirl> doesnt take a scene to put me in subspace
<pet_rain> when i’m laying in His lap or at his feet infrount of the couch or its after Hes played with me or used me, sometimes its after i’m punished sometimes just the looks He gives me
<slavelauren> We have a kinda trigger phase that puts me right under
<slavelauren> phrase sorry
<pet_rain> whats that?
<~luna[KM]> slavelauren, is the phrase something you can share with us?
<slavelauren> the simple words of To Serve Him is the greatest gift in Life
<slavelauren> sorry i had to ask
<pet_rain> dont be sorry
* ~luna[KM] smiles, that’s okay and I assumed so
<selene1123> understood
<slavelauren> thanks
<radiogirl> thank you slavelauren
<slavelauren> your welcome
<slavelauren> He says that and im under fast
<~luna[KM]> alright, so how would you describe YOUR subspace to someone who has never experienced it?
<selene1123> my subspace is a state of perfect harmony between Master and i
<slavelauren> wow thats hard, for me its like im there but not there.kinda outside looking in
<slavelauren> not feeling except ectasy
<~luna[KM]> For me, it is a sense of complete peace and happiness, but also a separation from my physical body (the pain if if it play) and a sort of spiritual connection to my Master.
<littlemiss96> the place where nothing else matters but my Master and me
<radiogirl> for me, its when I open myself totally to my Master
<selene1123> i have never felt a physical separation
<radiogirl> communion of souls
<selene1123> the opposite actually – i become very aware of my body and the sensations i feel
<radiogirl> some call the physical separation “flying”
<~luna[KM]> oh I have felt that way as well selene1123
<pet_rain> the only thing thats real is Him, His dominance is a weight i can really FEEL on me it engulfs me surrounds me consumes me and W/we are perfect there is no higher happieness there is nothing else that is real
<~luna[KM]> very beautiful pet_rain, lovely description
<slavelauren> im aware of the sensations but if it is pain or anything negative it does not hurt
<radiogirl> very nicely put pet
<slavelauren> wow pet thats awesome
<selene1123> i love the way you put that pet
<pet_rain> RIGHT i cant feel pain
<pet_rain> thanks
<littlemiss96>are all of you in 24/7 relationships?
<slavelauren> sometimes it gets me through some serious “play” Master is a bit heavy handed lol
<~luna[KM]> I generally can feel the pain, but it’s not painful.
<slavelauren> i am
<selene1123> yes littlemiss
<radiogirl> I am not
<littlemiss96> ok, thanks. i am not either
<~luna[KM]> You are LDR aren’t you radiogirl?
<pet_rain> i think the reason i can’t feel pain is because its negitive and to feel anything negitive would be selfish and i am incapable of being selfish there is only His pleasure
<radiogirl> for me its like…… I am so immersed in the pain that it ceases to exist…
* ~luna[KM] thinks pet_rain is a poet :)
<slavelauren> yes she is
<pet_rain> no i’m not
<pet_rain> (blushes)
<radiogirl> and I know that He immerses himself in it to
<slavelauren> well you are excellent with your words
<pet_rain> thank you
<selene1123> you have a gift for putting feelings into the perfect words
<radiogirl> yes I am in  a LDR, Luna
<slavelauren> radiogirl that is exactly the way Master describes His feelings when we talk about how He feels
<~luna[KM]> Did anyone read the optional pre-reading for tonight?
<radiogirl> yes
<slavelauren> i am sorry i did not
<pet_rain> i read some of it but most of it woulnd’t come up
<littlemiss96> i did
<radiogirl> i always do my homework Luna
<radiogirl> LOL
* ~luna[KM] winks… that’s why it is optional
<selene1123> i skimmed through it during work
<pet_rain> i only got to read about sub drop
<~luna[KM]> In the Mistress Steel essay, she talks about different levels of subspace
<~luna[KM]> and that you can move through the levels smoothly, like climbing a ladder
<pet_rain> yeah i would like to read that
<slavelauren> i have read it before and i its very well put for me
<~luna[KM]> well I can send you a copy pet_rain to your email if it won’t open. Just shoot me a message via the contact page when we are done here to remind me and give me your email.
<~luna[KM]> So, how important is sub space for you?
<selene1123> it is essential for me
<slavelauren> same for me
<radiogirl> same here
<selene1123> if i do not feel that space then i feel like i am not in harmony with Master
<~luna[KM]> I could actually take it or leave it. I love it when I experience it, don’t get me wrong, but it’s not important to my relationship or connection with Master.
<selene1123> and that is simply not an option for me
<slavelauren> very true
<littlemiss96> after hearing from all of you, i think my definition may have been too narrow
<slavelauren> what do you mean littlemiss96
<littlemiss96> well, i think i was thinking that subspace was only that detached euphoria, but listening to you guys, I am realizing that i go there whenever i talk to Master, whether in person, phone, or even text
<selene1123> that’s how i feel
<slavelauren> i can acheive it any time anywhere no matter what the form of communication is
<selene1123> or even when i am not with Master but doing something i know will please him in the future
<~luna[KM]> Not everyone you meet will agree with the definition that it’s a broader definition.
<slavelauren> very true luna
<~luna[KM]> Some will say that the non-play sub space isn’t sub space
<~luna[KM]> It’s more a slave space that is a focus for some relationships
<selene1123> that’s one of the reasons i was confused
<littlemiss96> ehhh..to each his/her own, i think
<slavelauren> for me it is slave space always
<~luna[KM]> Sure, the hope is that you will be able to develop your own definition.
<~luna[KM]> wb pet_rain
<pet_rain> oh i’m sorry it kicked me off
<pet_rain> my Master’s here now
<~luna[KM]> welcome pet_rain’s Master
<slavelauren> welcome Sir
<pet_rain> He’s reading along
<pet_rain> He said thanks
<radiogirl> Welcome Sir
<radiogirl> nice to have you with us
<selene1123> good evening
<~luna[KM]> Let’s focus now on play time
<~luna[KM]> how important is sub space to play time?
<slavelauren> pretty important for me
<selene1123> it depends on what kind of play for me
<selene1123> if it is physical/involves pain, very important
<slavelauren> very true
<littlemiss96> i dont think its possible for me to separate
<pet_rain> i think its very importain because i think i can please Him better while i’m in subspace
<radiogirl> I agree selene
<slavelauren> being in subspace expands my limits alot
<~luna[KM]> I agree with pet_rain that I’m more pliable when in subspace, Master can get me to do things that I would normally hesitate to do when I’m in subspace.
<selene1123> definitely
<radiogirl> Oh yes slavelauren
<radiogirl> thats when you learn how strong you actually are
<~luna[KM]> So, what if you can’t get to subspace? Are there alternatives to experiencing that ‘high’?
<slavelauren> well i dont know about everyone else but i am a slave so i dont have safewords or limits but subspace makes it easier sometimes
<pet_rain> right me too
<radiogirl> well, endorphins come
<radiogirl> and thats my High if i am not in subspace
<slavelauren> i always acheive subspace so i cant answer that
<littlemiss96> i think i do too, slavelauren
<~luna[KM]> I think a pretty darned good orgasm is a great alternative *grins*
<radiogirl> oh yeah luna
<littlemiss96> lol for sure
<selene1123> ditto, luna!
<slavelauren> true
<pet_rain> well… sometimes it doens’t come during sometimes i just feel used, but after its done i guess that feeling of being used and knowing that i made Him happy brings me to sub space
<~luna[KM]> how about emotional release. I know that sometimes when I play I feel emotions just pour out of me and that’s a healing process.
<slavelauren> one little problem with that luna i can only orgasm on command
<slavelauren> so if i dont have permission then that doesnt work for me
<~luna[KM]> sure, then that alternative isn’t good for you.
<slavelauren> for me its all about an emotional release
<pet_rain> i dont think i have emotional releases during play
<selene1123> it has almost nothing to do with physical release for me
<~luna[KM]> Does any of you cry during play/space?
<pet_rain> there is a emotional connetion sometimes
<pet_rain> yes
<pet_rain> i do
<pet_rain>  alot
<selene1123> i haven’t….yet
<radiogirl> oh yes
<littlemiss96> i haven’t yet, but I know I will
<~luna[KM]> How about laugh?
<selene1123> all the time….my Master loves “playful” play
<littlemiss96> oh yes…
<littlemiss96> we laugh togther a lot…and I’ve laughed in orgasm too
<slavelauren> i do both
<~luna[KM]> When I’ve entered space and the pain intensifies I tend to laugh when it hurts
<pet_rain> i’v laughed dureing play but when i’m in space i dont, i’ll smile alot but thats about it
<radiogirl> slavelauren, may I ask a question
<pet_rain> well sometimes i’ll like half laugh half cry its wierd
<littlemiss96> me too, pet_rain
<slavelauren> of course anything?
<radiogirl> how long have you been with your Master?
<radiogirl> im curious about the “come on command”
<slavelauren> over 5 years now
<slavelauren> cumming on command takes alot of practice and patience
<slavelauren> and trial and error
<pet_rain> i’m not allowed to cum without permission but i have trouble cumming on command
<radiogirl> I would like to talk with you about that sometime
<slavelauren> of course when we are finished i will give you my email and yahoo nic i am on alot
<radiogirl> I sent you a PM
<~luna[KM]> Are we ready to move on to Sub Drop?
<radiogirl> with my email
<slavelauren> i am allowed to talk to anyone
<pet_rain> yes
<selene1123> i think i experienced sub drop very badly this weekend
<~luna[KM]> wanna talk about it selene1123?
<littlemiss96> i had my first experience with it last week…awful
<~luna[KM]> I’d like to hear your experiences if you are willing to share them.
<slavelauren> got it radiogirl
<pet_rain> can someone define that for me?
<selene1123> to me, subspace is almost 24/7, but this weekend I completely threw out my neck….could not move, sit up, or talk…much less serve Master
<selene1123> all i wanted to do was cry
<~luna[KM]> Sub Drop is when the endorphins and euphoria leave your body and you feel what I call a crash in mood
<~luna[KM]> For some people this can be very severe and traumatic.
<selene1123> Master had to take care of me and i felt so….useless
<slavelauren> when i experience it is very traumatic
<pet_rain> okay like when you feel like yesterday you were His perfect little tng but today you feel frustrated and all wrong like that?
<~luna[KM]> I have felt that way too selene1123, when I’m sick.
<littlemiss96> i had a really rough time
<slavelauren> have you talk to Him about it?
<littlemiss96> combined with PMS…
<~luna[KM]> When I’m out of commission, he tells me that it’s his turn to take care of his property… his job ya know.
<selene1123> luna, that’s what my Master says….but i still feel so lost
<slavelauren> because Master has never experience subspace or sub drop He has asked me to discuss with Him the feeling that go with each one sub drop more bc He sees subspace in me most of the time
<slavelauren> smae here luna
<~luna[KM]> Did you know that sub drop happens more in committed relationships than in casual or long distance ones?
<selene1123> i can see that
<~luna[KM]> I did a non-academic study with the munch groups I attend and it was overwhelming
<slavelauren> i would have to agree with that
<pet_rain> i can deffently see how
<~luna[KM]> I know what I think as the reason, but why do you think that is the case?
<slavelauren> i think that is more of an emotional attachment in committed relationships
<selene1123> i think it is the level of devotion
<littlemiss96> i think that’s what partially caused mine…i’m realizing my heart is getting involved in this along with my mind and body
<pet_rain> because you are more emotionally connected with them everythings more real in your face everyday
<slavelauren> very tue luna
<slavelauren> true sorry
<~luna[KM]> I think that more casual or separate-lives relationships have less sub drop because of a defense mechanism to protect the person’s emotional state. When in a live-in relationship, you let your guard down more often, allowing for drop.
<littlemiss96> since my relationship is new, I kind of discounted that I would go through sub drop…i was totally unprepared for it
<slavelauren> very true luna
<~luna[KM]> Drop is the same though, the emotional distress, feelings of inadequacy or disbelief that you just went through play activity x, y and z. Or even shock from injuries received, and thoughts on how you can enjoy something like ‘that’.
<radiogirl> Its impossible to be prepared for subdrop
<littlemiss96> Master also had some personal stuff that kept him away from me for a couple of days, and I didn’t know why…in my fragile state, I began to have abandonment issues
<~luna[KM]> What forms of aftercare are available to you when you do drop?
<~luna[KM]> that can totally happen littlemiss96
<slavelauren> yes it can littlemiss
<selene1123> i feel the same way sometimes littlemiss
<littlemiss96> plus I was PMSing…so it was the perfect storm…lol
<slavelauren> Master is really big on aftercare
<radiogirl> lol
<littlemiss96> I talked to Master about it, and he apologized, and has promised to be there for more aftercare
<selene1123> i use my slave journal as aftercare; writing helps me “balance” myself out
<selene1123> plus i’m writing for Master so i feel connected to him
<slavelauren> when i first came to live with Master fulltime i already knew that He leaves every week Monday through Wednesday to see His sub about an hour from here but that first month was horrible abandonment issues galore
<littlemiss96> so do I selene1123…and I send it to Master
<slavelauren> i journal alot
<littlemiss96> i do ok as long as I know what’s going on and why he’s gone…when he says, “talk to you this afternoon” and then he doesn’t…that’s when I freak out
<~luna[KM]> I tend to find that taking a long hot bath or shower helps
<~luna[KM]> and chocolate, lots of chocolate
<littlemiss96> lol chocolate always works
<~luna[KM]> I’ve got some music I like to listen to as well when I’m dropping
<littlemiss96> or I love a day at the beach
<slavelauren> chocolate works very well
<~luna[KM]> Anything else you’d like to talk about related to sub drop?
<slavelauren> i have a meditaion cd that works really well bc it is all about sub drop and it guides you through getting out of it most of the time it works
<~luna[KM]> where did you get a CD like that slavelauren?
<littlemiss96> do y’all find it worse in connection to your cycle?
<selene1123> i’m interested too
<radiogirl> me 2
<littlemiss96> me too
<slavelauren> at a convention i attended a few years ago, i will true to download to mp3 and send it to everyone who would like it
<slavelauren> i have alot of them all different ones
<~luna[KM]> ooooh, that would be way cool! Can you legally share them?
<slavelauren> they help me alot
<radiogirl> I would love that
<slavelauren> i dont see why not
<selene1123> that would be great, slavelauren
<slavelauren> they are not copyrighted
<slavelauren> i just looked
<littlemiss96> should be legal then
<slavelauren> i like helping out anyone who asks especially if it helps them serve their Master better
<radiogirl> I appreciate that
<littlemiss96> thanks so much…should we pm you our email addresses?
<selene1123> thank you

First Meetings Done Safely

This week’s video post is on First Meetings Safety.

When you are ready to meet your dream Dominant for the first time, what goes through your mind? Do you think about safety at all or do the nervousness and excitment overload your common sense?

You may not think that safety is necessary for someone you’ve been talking to for x number of hours, days, months, years but the person you meet could be very different than what is portrayed and you may not be compatible. How do you get out of the meeting safely and how do you protect yourself?

I encourage first meetings for any relationship to grow and develop. It’s similar to a blind date, right? Normally someone else knows you are on that date and where you are going. Then they usually call you shortly after you get home to see how it went. This is commonplace in vanilla dating. Don’t forget that the start of a D/s relationship starts with dating!

Be Prepared

It is the boy scouts moto for a reason; always know what you are getting into and have everything prepared, even if you may never use it or need it. For first dates, make sure you have basic information about the Dominant you are meeting. What color and make their car is, their license plate if they will give it to you (and why wouldn’t they?), their name and phone number, address and other important information you have collected. Leave this information at home in plain sight and with your safe call (more on safe calls below). If something were to happen to you, then the authorities would have somewhere to start.

Of course no one wants something to happen, but it is better to be prepared and never have to use it than to disappear and leave no trace of you behind, right? It’s about common sense and personal safety; pure and simple.

Meet in Public

When you set up a first meeting make sure it’s in a public place. You don’t want someone coming to pick you up or meeting them at their private residence. I know being picked up could be romantic, but save it for future dates, this one is all about getting to know someone better.

Being in public gives you some security and having your own transportation means that if things go south you have a way home and aren’t relying on someone else. Besides, public places generally have better food choices, beverages to enjoy and a conversational atmosphere. That’s what gives first dates a good or bad vibe.

Set Up a Safe Call

A safe call is much like that friend who knows you are out on a blind date. You give them all the information you have collected on the person and then set up a call for a set time. Depending on your comfort level with the Dominant this call could happen during the date or immediately after it is supposed to end. Anyone can be a safe call person as long as they are available to call you or receive calls during the date. Many local munch groups have a safe call network in place.

This call is just a check in call. You can treat it any way you want. Some people have a code that they only answer yes or no questions and that gives the person on the other end a clue as to how things are doing and if you are in any danger. Others have specific phrases they use to clue the caller in to what is going on. You don’t have to be so cryptic if you don’t want to. It’s completely up to you.

A respectful Dominant should allow you to answer your phone during a first meeting. Those that don’t should be warning to you and you should try to find a way out of the date. I know some Dominants that insist you have a safe call in place before meeting them, just to give you some sense of security in a tense situation. Never turn down the request for a safe call.

Do Not Play

Unless you want to develop a reputation for recklessness abandon, then do not play on the first date! Get to know the person better face to face, see if there is chemistry there and then you can schedule play dates. If you feel you are being pressured to play, call your safe call and/or leave. You should not have to get intimate with someone you have only talked to online or by phone.

Listen to Your Gut

Most of the time your gut is right. If you feel things aren’t going well, get out. If you feel uncomfortable or pressured into doing something you don’t want to, then get out. Listen to your inner voice.

Finally, enjoy yourself. All of these things I’ve listed above should be autopilot for awhile. You can still have great first meetings and have these things in place but never really think of them.

Finding Domesticity In You

I’m personally not a very domestic person. When I do find the desire to clean it’s normally to relieve stress (believe it or not). It can help calm my  nerves and give my mind something else to do while working on the house. Since I’ve become Master’s stay at home submissive I find I need to look further than stress relief to get the chores done. I’m certain that you have felt the same way too. Chores just happen to be the reality of a submissive sometimes. It’s not glorifiying, it’s not fantasy. It’s just life. If you are fortunate to have a Dominant willing to share the domestic chores that’s wonderful, but many submissives have to balance work and home life to make their Dominant happy.

So what does this have to do with washing dishes? Sure the title is misleading until I tell you a little story. One night I was exploring the internet via Google search looking for ways to develop my domestic skills, I was searching for simple ways to do things, greener cleaning solutions and so forth. One of the links I clicked was Make Washing Dishes Fun by danae over on Domestic Servitude. It was the first time I had encountered this site and it wasn’t going to be the last. I read all of the archives. She also has a post on Handwashing Dishes that I enjoyed. I found there were small ways to recapture the joys of cleaning and home care.

Since then I have grown in my way of cleaning, I’m finding simpler ways to do things. I have learned to recycle and prepare some simple things. The inspiration I get from the site was all I needed to push me further into my domestic service. I’m far from perfect but I’m getting better every single day.

The site has grown since I first found it. danae has taken on a few more authors to help her with the work and the reading is fabulous. If you have any domestic struggles with your submission this is a fantastic website to go to for all sorts of tips. I especially enjoy the recipes personally, but they share lots of fantastic DIY items, internet finds and so much more. I don’t think anything like this exists anywhere else. Can I just say I love this site?!

What other sites would you recommend for someone learning domesticity?

5 Ways to Bring Out Your Dominance In Bed

This may seem like a really odd topic to be posting in a submissive blog, but there is reason. I’ve had a question recently from a submissive woman who has been asked on occasion to be assertive and dominant in bed by her Dominant. She says she can’t connect with that because she is submissive and has difficulty being assertive in the bedroom. I can understand where she is coming from with this, and I’m certain that you do as well. 

The idea behind this post is to give you ways to be assertive without compromising your submission and making the struggle to reclaim that mindset even harder than it is. Below are five ways you can show control in the bedroom without giving up your submission. 

1. Don’t Ask, Just Do It

You may be trained to ask to do things to pleasure your Dominant. That’s well and good for the submissive, but not what they are looking for when they ask you to take the reigns. Think about what you want to do to pleasure them and then just do it. Don’t hesitate, enjoy your freedom to do what you want to them. If you want to kiss and suck their nipples, then do it. 

If you can’t get past asking for it, try wording it differently. Instead of saying, “May I lick your nipples, Sir,” try saying, “I’m going to lick your nipples, Sir.” Give your control a play by play. Let them know what you are doing and you could even tell them why. 

2. Be Secretive

Pretend that your control of the situation is for you to know and them to find out. If they ask, playfully touch your finger to their lips and tell them to ’shhh’. It can give you time to know what you are going to do next and will bring mystery to the moment for them. It leaves them completely in the dark; thus, not in control.  Keep the tension high, but don’t leave them guessing for too long. Take action, be a mystery man/woman.

3. Connect With Your Pleasure

This could be a perfect opportunity for you to try something that you have been fantasizing about but not tried. You could role play something that would turn you on, try a toy that you want to use on them or simply tease them like they do to you. (Don’t take this as revenge, make it fun and sexy.)

4. Take the Position of Power

During sex, use a position that leaves them helpless to get what they want. If your Dominant is a man, use the female superior and pin them down. For women, you can hold them face down into the bed. Be creative. If they are normally standing up when you give them oral sex, make them lay down. Change things up from the way they are when they are in control. 

5. Enjoy It!

This may seem like a no-brainer, but when you are told to take control and ‘not be submissive’ then sometimes you can be too serious. It’s supposed to be fun. The roles aren’t necessarily reversed; use it as a way to express what you love about sex and their pleasure.

Free your mind to think that what you are doing to and for them is a celebration of your submission. You are serving them by being assertive.

Do you have ideas on how to be more assertive in bed? Let me know!

photo by Ende

What’s the Difference Between a Lifestyler and a Player?

This week’s video is about definitions of a lifestyler and a player.

I received the following question via email the other day and thought I would cover it here in a video post.

I’m in a D/s relationship where we tend to do most of our activities behind closed doors. Outside we are a normal equal couple. Someone called me a player the other day in response to my description of who I am and I was confused. I thought I was a lifstyler. What is the difference between a lifestyler and a player?

There are all sorts of labels that people can wear in this lifestyle. Many of these have definitions that fluctuate and change depending on the situation. These are submissive, slave, real, true, Dominant, Master, and the list goes on. No one can agree on what these labels mean for the community.

This is also case for the terms Lifestyler and Player. Let’s cover the definitions first.

• A player is someone who is a BDSM practitioner. This means they participate in the activities that make up the acronym. They could be rope bondage enthusiasts, sadists and masochists. They could be sensual players or people who just like kinky sex. I personally prefer the term practitioner, but I hear player an awful lot in the online and real groups I frequent. This term also lends itself to those who pretend or seduce others as well. We won’t be covering that area today.
• A lifestyler is someone who participates in the D/s aspect outside the bedroom/dungeon as well as may be a proficient BDSM practitioner as well. Just as people may choose to live a green lifestyle or a poly lifestyle the BDSM lifestyler makes the parts of BDSM and D/s that enrich their lives a part of their everyday in some capacity.

A player is just as qualified to converse about things related to BDSM as a lifestyler. The distinction is based solely on the relationship dynamic status and depth of lifestyle change.

The two definitions are no more or less qualified to be a part of BDSM. As skylerpet will discuss later this month, the two areas can be separate or conjoined. In this aspect I feel that they are joined by a common purpose but separate in action and perception.

Why are the two so hotly debated as to who is real and who is not leads me to my next point. Just as we will never agree what the difference is between a submissive and a slave we can not agree with who is a lifestyler and who is a BDSM practitioner. Sometimes they are the same, other times they are not. I’d like to reach out to you and ask you why do these terms have to be so different and why can’t we agree to have an open mind about someone else?

The reality of who we are as individuals is the terms and definitions we apply to ourselves, not the labels other people give us. That’s why I try to always express what my opinion is in an open minded way. I can’t judge or object to anyone else’s labels based purely on what I think they mean. They need to be based on what that person thinks they mean.

So if I say that I’m a lifestyler it means to me that I practice some form of BDSM and D/s in my everyday life. For others it could mean that they are a Gorean Lifestyle practitioner. Players have a wider variety of definitions and none of them seem to be the same, but they have meaning for those that use them to define what it is they do.

In conclusion, no matter what term is used, we should remain aware that for every person there is a different definition and the difference between them is dependent on those definitions agreeing. You may be a player, you may be a lifestyler but what’s important is how you define those words and yourself.

Submissive PMS and How to Deal With It

This video post is about how to deal with a submissive bout of PMS.

It’s not your normal run of the mill PMS. You don’t have cramps or bloating or headaches or chills, but your mood is so out of whack that you are getting in trouble just by opening your mouth. You don’t know where your submissive filter went, all you know is that it’s gone and you’re going to be paying for it with every utterance. This is submissive PMS. I suffer from it often and it’s something I’ve learned a few things from to make it easier to get through. Let’s help you out.

What’s the Big Deal?

I’m pretty certain most of you haven’t heard this term before and that’s because I just made it up. You won’t find submissive PMS in any dictionary (urban, BDSM or otherwise), but if you have been submissive for more than a few minutes you know exactly how I’m going to describe it. It starts with the sudden urge to just tell your Dominant to ‘go get it yourself!’ It can lead to mouthing off, acting pissy when there is no real reason behind and when confronted you can’t explain why you are feeling that way in the first place.

Confront It Dead On

A lot of times it’s obvious that you are entering sub PMS and you can work to stop it before it gets your butt in their sling. The moment you notice the ‘get it yourselfs’ creeping into your head, ask to remove yourself from the room or their presence and go refocus. If this means reading or blogging or meditating then go do it. I tend to get my catharsis from blogging but each person is going to find a different way to refocus. If you can identify an underlying thought or problem that caused the PMS you will want to talk to your Dominant about it. Never harbor feelings from your Dominant, even if you think they are trivial. It will help them help you. Win win in any case.

Apologize

After you have refocused, apologize to your Dominant for your slip in behavior or manners. They may not have even noticed it, but that’s not the purpose. The purpose is to make a mental note for you that you have corrected the behavior and are ready to continue serving. An apology is quite beneficial for that.

Resolve

You can’t prevent submissive PMS, but you can resolve to keep it in check. Make it a task to notice it before anyone else and correct it silently. Everyone has bad moods and off days, but our job as submissives and slaves is to make sure it doesn’t cloud our service. This of course is the hardest part. I’m still not there personally. I can’t recognize it sometimes and leave it to my Master noticing and correcting for me; usually not the way I wish it could be handled. Discipline yourself to make sure you can catch your backsliding and keep your backside from catching it for you.

Sub Space: The Ultimate Frontier

Exploring submission play can involve intense sensation. As a normal part of some submissive’s play is sub space. Not everyone reaches subspace each and every time and you can not expect to reach it at all. Sub space is a way your body responds to endorphins. Described as similar to a runner’s high this is a good feeling and one to be enjoyed if you ever get there.

Subspace is a mental and physical response to the high levels of endorphins produced during play. It can manifest in many different ways and no one subspace is the same as another. Submissives will even describe thier subspace completely differently than another person. This is normal and is probably why it’s so hard to describe exactly what sub space is in more specific terms. For some people it is a sense of floating or out of body experience. For others, subspace is a quiet zen-like state. For me, it’s when pain becomes funny. I start laughing and giggling. I can take more pain then and ultimately just feel great. I can go non-verbal near the end as well. All grand.

Entering sub space when you are a novice can be dangerous. When in this space your ability to stop play or fight off anyone is gone. You are at the mercy of the Dominant. If you do not know this person well you could be setting yourself up for harm. Always negotiate all play, including level of space you wish to get to. Keep talking if you want to stay out of space, stay engaged in what is happening and you will be safer. 

Sometimes in space you can not feel pain the same way and so you can take higher levels of pain. The danger here is a Dominant that does not know you well could hit you too hard and you could end up with damaged nerves or broken bones. Trust is important in a relationship so keep space to a relationship unless you have the trust with a friendship Dominant.

There are essays all over the internet that describe different forms of sub space. None of them are wrong.  and you can learn from all of them. One of my favorites is Mistress Steel’s description of all the different spaces that people can go though. You can read the essay at The Steele Door. She breaks down sub space into several levels with descriptions of each level. I like how it’s described enough that you can see yourself in the descriptions and follow how you ebb and flow through your own space.

How would you describe your sub space? Do you need pain to get there?

Just Wait Till Your Father Gets Home: Telling Your Family

This post is from Norische. She allows anyone to post her articles anywhere they will do some good. I could not come up with a better way to say what she does in this article. Please enjoy and comment! I’d love to hear if you have told your family and how it went.

“So what are you, some kind of Satanist, or what?” This was one of the first things my sister said when she walked into my house.

It had been almost a year since I had seen my sister, she doesn’t live that far away but she has alwaysbeen a little on the judgmental side and so she and I have never truly been that close. She stopped by my house not long ago, no phone call, no warning, she just popped in for a visit…thankfully she didn’t have her two young sons with her. I am very open about my choices and my lifestyle, however I have never breached the subject with either of my sisters.

When you walk into my parlor/office the first thing you see is a wall of “toys”. Floggers, whips, paddles, and canes of all types, along with a large grouping of miscellaneous torture devices and implements of all types which decorate one half of the room. Of course chains, suspension devices, harnesses, and stirrups also embellish the archway to my dinning room. A leather-covered horse sitting right smack dab in the middle of the office also seems rather conspicuous as you walk into the room.

Normally I am very proud of my lifestyle choices and have no problem talking to anyone about the interesting and useful items that decorate my home. However, when my sister walked into my house I was literally at a loss for words.

To help you understand a little better, let me describe my sister a little to you. My sister and I are 16 months apart in age, I am the youngest. She is married and has been for several years; she was 24 yrs old before she went out on her first date. The first man she ever kissed is also the only man she has ever kissed, her husband. She lived with my parents until she moved in with her husband and his parents. She now has two young sons, ages 9 and 5. The have a nice little house in a nice little neighborhood and she is the picture of the perfect wife and strict mother. She is very active in her church and is a model of the average clean cut, straight-laced woman in her community.

When my sister first walked into my home I thought about how she would react, and then I worried if she would be offended and finally I wondered if she would even understand my lifestyle and the items in my home. Well to make it simple not only did she not understand the things that she saw but she also was completely clueless about what the BDSM lifestyle is truly about. At first she blushed and avoided looking at the floggers and whips, I could tell that she was very uncomfortable. I began to talk to her as I do with anyone; hoping that my openness would show her that there is nothing wrong or “sick” about the way I live my life. I also tried to help her understand the difference between the facts and myths about BDSM.

Myth:

All BDSM involves pain, or inflicting pain.

Fact:

There are several different types of Domination, some do indeed involve pain but others do not, it is a matter of choice in a relationship as to the addition or degree of pain included.

Myth:

BDSM is nothing more than kinky sex play.

Fact:

Sex may or may not be involved in a BDSM relationship; again it is a choice between those involved.

Myth:

BDSM is against God, or somehow Satanic in nature.

Fact:

There are several religions that use pain as a means of showing devotion, for centuries priest have beat themselves with sticks, whips and canes to show their sincerity to God. In many churches pleasure is viewed as the pathway to Hell, hence it has been summarized that pain must be the pathway to Heaven. From the Sun Dance of the Native Americans to the Flagellants of the Philippines pain has been viewed as a means of getting closer to God, not as a sin.

Myth:

BDSM is abuse.

Fact:

It is understood within the BDSM lifestyle that all activities must be consensual, even slavery. Before an individual can be a slave they must agree to the requirements, rules, and behaviors that are expected, before he or she is accepted as a slave. Once an arrangement is made, they seemingly loose the ability to say no, but this is untrue. Depending on the negotiations and the original contract the slave may be given certain rights or may wave those rights…but the fact is that the choice is theirs to accept the arrangements or to refuse. Safe, Sane and CONSENTUAL.

Myth:

BDSM is not normal.

Fact:

“Normal” is defined in many ways. Most people define normal as what is considered socially acceptable by the majority of the populous. If this is an accurate description then no one can be considered normal. Are Jews normal or are Christians normal? Are heterosexuals normal or are homosexuals normal? Are Native Americans the normal ones or is it the African Americans that are normal? Is it normal to be rich or poor? Is it normal to be married or divorced or single? Are you normal if you have a college degree or if you don’t have a high school diploma? Personally being “normal” is way over rated…I prefer to be unique, an individual.

After I spent my afternoon explaining my lifestyle to my sister, she began to understand a little about my life. However even with all the information I gave her, the last thing she stated to me was “Well if this is what you want then, I guess it is ok. I just want to let you know that I will not be bringing my kids over again.” With that she left and since then our communication has been limited to polite conversation. She hasn’t brought up our conversation again nor has she come back to visit.

I have never truly feared speaking to my family about my lifestyle nor have I ever avoided the subject or lied about my life…however, I have always known the reaction that I would encounter.

From my daughter I have had open acceptance, she was raised to accept all those that make the universe unique and wonderful. As she grew up she was slowly, and I stress the word slowly, exposed to alternative lifestyles. When she was 19 yrs old I felt she could understand enough about my lifestyle choices that I decided to get a slave. At first she didn’t know how to handle it, after they talked for a while she understood better and they became friends, and remained so even after his release. When we moved from Arkansas to Missouri I waited a couple of years and then got a submissive male as well as a male slave; my daughter began to understand the difference between the two. She honestly had no patience for the submissive but loved having my slave around. I never exposed my daughter to the S & M side of things but she was not ignorant either. It didn’t honestly shock me much when I found out she had bought a pony whip, the only thing that I wanted to know was she giving or receiving…I never asked, some things a mother just doesn’t need to know.

From my mother I had a confused understanding, she accepted the need for control and obedience but she could not understand the involvement of pain. My mother was a traditional Native American, our tribe is matriarchal…the women are in charge. I was raised by a strong woman, amongst strong women, and therefore the desire for control comes quite natural. She may have only been 4 foot 11 inches tall but it always seemed the whole world trembled at her command.

From my father I have been shunned, after my mother’s death my father remarried and the individual he married is a racist and a bigot. Since then his wife has seen to it that we no longer speak, nor am I allowed to go to my mother’s home.

From one sister I have been given a polite acknowledgement, simply put she is ok with my choices as long as they do not affect her or her family. Being Christian does not necessarily make one close-minded but it definitely narrows the realm of acceptance. Even though my sister goes to a more progressive church, she is still limited as to her interpretation of acceptable behaviors, and lifestyles.

From my other sister, perhaps some day I shall breach the subject, but not yet.

Do not fear what your family with think, or say, or even do. The only thing you should fear is ignorance. If someone does not accept your lifestyle that is ok, they have the right to their own opinions. If someone avoids associating with you because of choices that you have made, this too is a choice, it is their choice.

A slave I had in the past was faced with a horrible dilemma, lie to his family or admit his lifestyle choices and face the consequences. He refused to lie and when asked he explained his role in my house to his family. They threatened to have him committed, to take away his car (which they had paid for), to pull his college scholarship (which they had set up when he was a small child) and disown him. Rather than shame his family he asked to be released, I have not seen him since.

Pretending to be someone you are not is almost as difficult as trying to hide who you really are. Be proud of yourself, your choices, and your way of life. You do not need anyone’s approval, acceptance or understanding…it is a welcome gift that your family and friends can give to you but it is not necessary nor should it be expected.

As with everything this is my opinion, take what you will and leave the rest. If you wish to contact me, my email address is Norisch1@mchsi.com. If you wish to see more of my work you may find a complete listing of all my writings at…. http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Norisches_Quill/ in the files section.

Carte Blanche – Repeating Misbehavior Patterns

Getting in trouble. We’ve all been there a time or two. It comes with learning and training new things as well as changing behaviors. Our Dominants generally don’t derive any pleasure out of punishing us and the guilt we put on ourselves can be more damaging than the misdeed in the first place. Allowing that the punishment has been handed out and the misdeed forgiven, why do we sometimes continue to fail with the same behavior and wind up right back in the hot seat? I’m going to talk about a submissive’s mindset when it comes to repeat patterns in behavior and why we just can’t keep our feet on the straight and narrow.

When I first starting learning what it was like to be my Master’s submissive, I found that there was a lot to know and that assuming one thing over knowing another generally got me in trouble a lot. I bucked against old habits and experience from past relationships. All of these things weren’t going to make my new life any easier. I kept getting in trouble for the same things over and over again. No matter how hard I worked to be good, and trust me I worked at it. The time between punishments did lengthen, but only slightly.

I was in the mindset of the carte blanche. In plain English, that’s the clean slate syndrome. After punishment, did I really learn my lesson? Probably not. I listened to the lecture, I felt the pain of the lash and then I was off to do whatever I was supposed to with a clean slate. Until the next time.

Learn From Your Mistakes

Learning from your mistakes is the first and most important task of a submissive when it comes to changing behavior patterns that are not welcome to your Dominant. For many submissives, this comes very easily. This is not the group of submissives this post is focused on. Those of us who require a lot of mental and/or physcial focus to change our behaviors will understand that falling back into our old ways is easy, no matter how badly we would want to be good and learn the new behavior.

Try to keep your new behaviors obvious to you. You may need to place note cards throughout your house, wear a reminder bracelet or have an audio reminder to help you change your behavior. Get support and advice from senior submissives to help you learn how to change your behavior.

Have Patience

You will not learn new behaviors overnight. To learn a new behavior you need to do it consistently for 3 weeks; but this, in its self, is not an easy task. We make it easier by practicing first. We need to do two things here. Firstly, we need to be able to easily perform the require actions. Secondly, we need to link that action to a cue. A cue can be anything from a command or a visual indication.

For example, imagine that you have a new behavior that you must kneel before getting into your Dominant’s bed at night. At first you will probably forget this habit and need to be reminded by your Dominant. It’s a normal part of learning. Then after a bit you may remember most of the time, but still have moments where you are startled back onto the floor because you suddenly remembered you didn’t kneel. Finally, you have established your new behavior and correction is no longer needed.

Punishment For Attention

Many novice submissives haven’t learned how to communicate their needs or wants completely yet, and find themselves breaking rules and getting into ’small trouble’ just to get attention they need or want. They can consider punishment just as a part of their relationship and not realize the importance of learning that the misbehavior is not welcome and punishment is not pleasurable.

Others will try to get punished by being unusually bratty when they really just want to play. It unfortunately shows a lack of self-control and submissive weakness. Normal bratty behavior can be cute and endearing if the Dominant likes that attitude. Being aggressively so is what I’m referring to here.

Punishment is not  goal, it is something to be avoided. Your bad behavior reflects poorly on yourself and your Dominant. It can undermind the progress you have made in your submission and can end your relationship. Living in carte blanche syndrome is like not taking enough serious work into becoming the best submissive you can be for your Dominant. It’s time to change your thinking.

Focus on the Positive

Submission is a journey that never ends. If you try to change, you can change. Through open communication and focused energy you can be the shining light in your Dominant’s eyes. Live for the praise and positive reinforcement. You’ve earned it.

All Female Submissives are Bisexual and Other BDSM Myths

The world is full of false truths. These false truths tend to be the assumptions of the uninformed or the beliefs of those who want to scare novices out of their wits. Many of these are because of a narrow view of the world or an inability to accept varying viewpoints. In this post I’m going to discuss some of the most popular BDSM myths that novices here and what the truth really is.

What is a myth? A myth is a traditional story accepted as history or truth and serves to explain the world view of a people. In this case the people are BDSM practitioners. We all like to tell tales and share advice, but what if that advice has a false truth in it? Are you willing to pass on possible false information or do you want to get all the facts first before saying anything.

All Female Submissives are Bisexual

A common belief is that all submissives, and especially females are bisexual or forced into bisexuality because of the Dominant’s wishes. The truth is that respectful Dominants will comply with your sexual orientation and if it does not include being bisexual, then there should be no forced suggestion either.

All Dominants Want More Than One Submissive

Dominants are human too, and looking for a long term relationship is hard enough, let alone two or more.  There is a large percentage of Dominants that are fine with one submissive and never seek to expand their life. There are, however, people interested in polyamory and having more than one love is normal and accepted to them. You do not have to be in a polyamorous relationship if you do not want to. This is part of your wiring and either you like it or you don’t. There are also online Dominants that will have several online submissives, leading them to believe they are the one and only. These people are predators.

All Submissives are Masochists and All Masochists are Submissives

A huge misunderstanding is that you have to like pain to be submissive. Masochism is a part of your sexual identity; you either have it or you don’t. No one can make you like pain, but you can learn to accept pain for you Dominant if that is your wish. Doing so does not make you a masochist. Masochists come in all forms, the majority are submissive, however I know several Dominants that like pain as well, and instruct their submissive to give them pain during play. Switches are known to like both, but that isn’t always the case.

Slaves Are Better Submissives or Slaves Have a Deeper Submission

No group of people is better than another and no individual can be compared to another equally. We are all unique in our submission and no matter what label we choose for ourselves we can live to be the best we can be for ourselves and our Dominants. Slaves are another form of submission but that doesn’t mean they are better. I believe that all slaves are submissive but not all submissives can be slaves. It’s not a deeper submission, just a different path.

Myths are everywhere in the BDSM lifestyle. These are but a few of the most common ones. What myths can you think of?

I’m sure there will be more installments to this post as more myths come in. If you’d like to send me your common myth ideas, please do so by the contact page at the top.

Two Dominants

Today’s guest post is by Aria, a bi poly switch kinkster.

So currently I have 2 dominants, Edge and Vice. You would think that to have 2 Doms I would have to be the most submissive woman ever, but I’m a switch. I often call myself a beta-top because I love to co-top with them. Fortunately for me they let my top side come out when I need release, just as long as I don’t try to top them.

Having 2 dominants has worked out very smoothly for the three of us actually. I’ve been with Vice for 4 years and have only been with Edge for a year and a half. When Edge and I first started dating I didn’t know he was a Dom since he had minimal experience in the lifestyle. Especially when we started, Edge was very deferential to Vice. We used to laugh at how careful he was not to step on toes. Being so polite and considerate I think really helped Vice grow to trust him and keep down jealousy issues as well. Which isn’t to say we never have problems. No relationship is perfect, and by writing this I certainly don’t mean to say we are. As with most relationships, communication is key. Most of the time a problem pops up it comes back to some miscommunication.

A few basic rules are what keep us working well together.

Rule 1 – They don’t contradict each other.

Let’s say Edge gives me an order that I am not to orgasm for the next week. He will always make an exception for Vice. “If Vice wants you to come for him or you come because of something he does, then that’s ok. “ Or he would specifically ask Vice to approve a punishment (or help enforce it).

Rule 2- They back each other up. They help enforce each others rules and punishments. This of course takes communication between them.

Rule 3 – They don’t interfere in problems I’m having with the other one.

Often I need to vent about something to someone who understands. This usually means my other partner. They listen, offer some advice, and at the end almost always say “so when are you going to go talk to him about it?”

Rule 4- Before going to an event we establish who my main Dom is for that time period. This doesn’t mean I can’t play with, cuddle, or interact with the other Dom, just that the main one gets decision making power. They get to say what I wear or who I play with. Fortunately they share very well. At Beat Me in St. Louis this year, they split up the weekend so that each one got to be in charge one day of the event.

Issues do occasionally pop up however. I enjoy the submissive role, but I’m not naturally very submissive. Sometimes getting me to submit (and not just be a brat or a SAM) is difficult. Vice lives with me, so he and I have to interact as equal partners quite a bit. This makes it hard for me to submit to him especially. He struggled with some envy when I began playing with Edge because Edge and I got to date and play without much real world interference. We never had to fight about who’s turn it was to do the dishes or take out the dog because we didn’t live together. This meant it was easier for me to get in the submission mindset and let go easier. We also always seemed to go somewhere fun and interesting and new when we went out. Vice felt like the two of us didn’t get the same kind of time I got with Edge. Which brings me to rule number 5.

Rule 5- They don’t try to get more time with me by stealing from the other one.

I’ve known poly couples where every time their partner was out on a date, some crisis would come up. They would call in a panic and need their partner to come home immediately. Every time. This isn’t a good way to handle jealousy/envy/loneliness. You’ve got to own your feelings and ask for what you want. Being the person in the middle, it was my job to make sure that Vice still knew I cared about him, and that I still liked submitting to him and playing with him. It was his job to handle his emotions as best he could and ask for reassurance when he needed it. In this case, the problem was that every time I went out with Edge it was fun and special. Vice and I needed some special time of our own, without the normal interferences of daily life. We set up a dedicated Dungeon Date night for Vice and I, where we could focus on keeping the kink part of our life active. Making sure we had some “special time” time together helped us keep our connection alive while I was building a new one with Edge.

Playing with two Doms has been really good for me as a submissive cause it has allowed me to learn a great deal about myself, and that carries over to both my relationships. They have two different styles and techniques, and that brings out two different sides of my submission. Each did things that seemed to “work”. Finding something that works in one relationship gave me insight into the other. Successfully going deeper in submission in one relationship helped me be brave enough to go deeper in submission in my other relationship.

So what do I do make it work?

I’ve been really lucky in finding these Doms. They both really want me to be happy with the other one. They honestly want me to have hot scenes and hot sex, just as I wish for them and their other partners. I’ve sort of made it sound like to successfully have two partners, they’ve had to do all the work. But these rules apply to me too. So what do I do to make this work? I don’t ask one partner to interfere with another, I don’t try to get them to contradict each other. I make sure I ask which one will be in charge for the evening before we get there.

All people need reassurance, and that includes Dominants. Especially if they know you are playing with more than one person. People say you aren’t supposed to compare your partners and I don’t in the sense of saying someone is “better” than someone else. But I do compare them when I say things like “Well Edge is really good at this part, but Vice is really good at that part”. I make it clear that my partners know what great stuff I get from them and no one else. If you make your partner feel special and treasured, they won’t feel as anxious when you are away from them.

As I said above, miscommunication is what causes most of our problems. Being in the middle I consider it my job to facilitate communication. I’m pretty talkative, but I try to let the men have their say too. I try to ask how they feel about things so they know its ok to talk about or bring up. I also immediately made it clear to them that they can speak to each other when I’m not there. They have each others phone numbers, email addresses, and chat names. Once they have that info, I need to get out of their way. I need to trust that they are big boys who can handle the communication between themselves without me being involved. Like I said above, submitting is sometimes difficult for me, so this is often a struggle, but I do my best.

That being said, it is also my job to bring up issues as I see them. If I see a huge roadblock, or someone crossing a line, it is my duty to bring it up. But hopefully in a calm and non-inflammatory manner.

Overall, being in a 2 dominant relationship is like being in any poly relationship. Have lots of communication and handle disagreements in the least dramatic way possible.

Aria is a bi poly switch kinkster. She lives in Iowa and frequently travels to conventions in St. Louis. She’s AriaSwitch on fetlife and can be contacted at Aria@boundforfun.com.

Am I Normal? Exploring Normalcy in BDSM Relationships

One of the first questions a new submissive asks themselves is are they normal for desiring the things they do. This could be kinky sex, humiliation or service. Anything that appears to fall outside the vanilla umbrella can cause a novice to question if they are normal. This in fact, is normal.

Everyone questions themselves at one time or another. I’ve questioned myself many times. Each time I come out with a better understanding of myself and what I want in life. There is no reason to be afraid of new and different things. You may find that these things are worth your attention and could fulfill you in ways you never though possible.

For example, even if you never thought you’d explore bondage you one day had the desire to see what it was all about. There is nothing wrong with trying it out to see what feelings and sensations there were. If you find you love it, then that’s just one more thing to learn all you can about and have fun with it. If you find there isn’t really a strong pull towards it you can chalk it on the no thank you list. Either way, it’s normal and human to explore things that are different and foreign.

What about things that could be dangerous or involve risks? Does this mean you are a risky person? Not really. Everything you do has risks, even driving to the corner store could end in a deadly accident. Just because there are risks involved doesn’t mean you should shelter your desires.

So what is normal? How can it be defined in a BDSM context? Not very easily, in fact. Normal is different for each person. Everyone’s idea of normal fluctuates and changes during their lives. So your idea of normal now won’t be the same 5 years or even 5 months from now.

The uncomfortable feelings you experience when everything is still brand new have nothing to do with normalcy but with acceptance. When you accept your feelings as normal then you will feel normal. Thousands of people all over the world are exploring new and exciting things all the time. Join the fun!

Photo credit by Stryker W@SP

The Emotional Side of Sub Drop

Sub Drop can come in many different forms. Sub Drop is the emotional and physical affects of the release and drop of endorphins in the body after a play session.  Most of what you read online are the physical aspects; the fatigue, sadness, aches and pains and recovery from marks. There is a more intense side of Sub Drop that gets very little attention because for each person it is different and describing how to recover can take many forms.

If not cared for, you could go into depression just from one play session. The endorphins and other hormones released during play leave your body in such a way that it takes time to rebuild the balance of hormones in your system. You could feel like you have a hang over or partied too hard the night before, you could feel lost and depressed for hours or days. You may just want to sleep it off. These are the more extreme forms of Drop. Some people recover in a matter of hours, but others could exhibit signs of Sub Drop for weeks after an intense session.

In a previous post I helped you make an Aftercare kit for yourself when you are alone and need to care for yourself, but I never explained why some of those items were in the kit. The purpose of many of the items was to aide in the emotional recovery after a scene. You may not have need for an Aftercare kit, but it is helpful to know why such a thing is recommended.

Two Reasons It Happens More Often in Committed Relationships

Those that are in casual play relationships tend to not have as many drop issues as those in committed relationships.The reason for this is two-fold. First, casual relationships don’t have the same element of intimacy that exists in long term relationships. That’s nto to say that all casual relationships lack intimacy, but if you’ve been in a committed relationship for any amount of time you will know the intimacy for which I speak. This intimacy can cause issues with boundaries and love that when the play is over the submissive can question the validity of those feelings. On several occasions I thought how could he love me if he did that to me. Of course it was consensual and boy did I love it at the time, but once the head space is over, the questions can bring emotions of sadness, questioning and disbelief. These are all normal.

The second reason that Sub Drop occurs more in committed relationships is because limits are tested more frequently and the play could be edgier. Casual relationships tend to not be able to develop the trust and history necessary to test boundaries as easily. No matter how strong the trust is with partners, you can still have feelings of disbelief or even feelings that you can’t believe you like something so perverted, kinky or dirty. Your own doubts can bring about fear, sadness and loneliness. You could even question why you are into BDSM to begin with. Again, very normal.

Address the Emotions

The emotions that can surface during and after play are necessary to address. Don’t keep them bottled up. Write them down, talk about them and keep open communication with your partner. They can help you get through your feelings. Several of the things in the Aftercare kit are meant to help you establish that connection. A notebook to write your feelings down, a phone card to call your partner (if they are long distance), a letter from your partner telling you how they feel about you and perhaps even a voice recording. Call up some friends and get out, if you have lifestyle friends they too can help you recover from Sub Drop.

Other Thoughts on Drop and Aftercare

Drop and Aftercare, A Discussion

Your experience may vary.  What is Sub Drop for you? What’s the best piece of advice someone or yourself gave you to get through it?

photo by Andi♥

Balancing Depression and Submission

Everyone has gone though bouts of depression at one time or another. For some, it’s practically debilitating and others can handle it in stride without much of a bat of the eyelashes. I recently recovered from a long time depression with the help of medications and my Dominant’s caring. It’s never an easy process, but being reminded that your submission is still desired can help.

When I was depressed, I didn’t find joy in doing the things I normally did for my Dominant. It was hard getting up everyday to make his coffee and care for him as usual. Some days he allowed me to ’sit this one out’, but usually he just took me under his patient wing and nudged me back into submitting to him.

Finding your way back out of the darkness isn’t always easy. There are a lot of inner thoughts telling you to stay there, in the void of no comfort, dark peace and sadness. I’ve been there too many times to count. It is possible though to continue your submission at some degree and still be depressed. It may even be your window out.

Keep the Routine

The last thing you want to do is keep a routine going when you feel like your world is at an impasse, but I highly recommend trying to keep your daily routine intact as much as possible. Reminding yourself that this is the way you were happy and will continue to be happy might just resolve some of those depressive feelings. Even when I was depressed, I still made his coffee and cooked his meals (although less fancy).  I still called him by his title and followed most of my rules. He did relax a few of them but reminded me that if I continued to do them that he would be pleased.

Get Out of Bed

Feeling bad for yourself always displays outwardly as not getting out of bed, not bathing or not bathing frequently and a lack of self-care for how you look. Force yourself to continue to take care of your body even if you don’t feel like it. Dressing how you feel doesn’t encourage a change in your mood, but drives you deeper. Falling into the comfort of your bed and not getting moving within a decent time can worsen your depression. Your dominant is still looking to you to be a companion and one they want to be around. Remember the saying that a submissive is a reflection on the dominant? Keep the illusion up even if you feel horrible inside. Your dominant will thank you for it.

Ask for Help

Wallowing in your sadness is okay for awhile. No one can go through life without feeling depression for a short time, but know that you should ask for help if it gets to the point that you don’t have any good feelings anymore. Going to friends to talk if you don’t think professional help is necessary is a good first step. Let them help you revive the happiness that is in there. If you notice your friends trying to get you out of the house and moving again, listen to them. They can see your changes and are worried about you.

Get professional help if your depression lasts longer than 2 weeks.

photo credit Esther_G

How to Beg When Asked

Begging is an art form for submissives. Each of us has our own talent or lack thereof in this area. For some it is part of humiliation, or just every day activities. There are different approaches to begging.

Verbal Approach

Master insists that I beg for a lot of things and I think that most Dominants choose this route to see just how desperate their submissive is for whatever it is they want. Generally it’s about being allowed to come or when you have been teased to death and you just want sex, right, now!

I used to be horrible at begging. “Pretty please with a cherry on top?” Then if that didn’t work I’d up the anty. “Whipped cream?” “Chocolate Sauce?” Uh-huh, what was I doing, tempting him with dessert? This never worked.

Then I went to the “potty dance routine” of “please, please, please, please….” So many pleases in there that it just didn’t have the sentiment that he wanted out of me so that didn’t work either.

Now I’m catching on. I’m no where near perfect but I can and generally do get what I’ve begged for after a short stint of him grinning at me and telling me that wasn’t good enough. He wants me to go all out and yes, I give it to him.

Say I want to come and I know he’s going to ask me to beg. It may go something like this:

“Master, please may I come? I’m so hot and my clit feels like it’s going to explode!”

He usually declines the first time so then it gets more desperate.

“Master, oh god Master I’d really love to come for you and show you just how slutty I am. Please let me come.”

If he’s just in the mood to listen to me beg he’ll give me that grin that says, “Almost, but not quite.” Then the big guns come out.

“Master, I need to come so bad for you, if you let me come I’ll scream and moan so loud, god Master, I don’t want to hold it anymore please? I’ll suck your dick like a mad-woman if I can”

Yup, bribery. I opt for giving him things that I don’t normally do voluntarily. That’s just the way it works for me. I have to really show him how desperate he’s made me, tell him the orgasm is really his and not what I need and then top it off with something that he’s going to love.

Physical Approach

Kneeling and kissing the feet of your dominant is not only a sign of submission, but is a good start for begging for what you desire. This humbling of yourself goes a long way to finding that sweet spot in a Dominant so that they may pay mercy on your and allow what you are asking for. Other ideas can be prostration, kissing hands or bowing/curtsying.

Nonverbal Approach

The puppy dog eyes come out when nonverbal may work for you. The right look can transmit what you want or need very well and some Dominants prefer to have you look like you want it while listening to you beg. What look do you get on your face when you need to get permission for something?

A mixture of any of these approaches requires practice. I’m still not perfect but I’m learning what my Master requires of me when I’m asked to beg for ‘it’.