Novice Q & A – January Edition

This year I’m starting a new series of posts that will occur once a  month just like the Roundtable did last year. Novice Q & A is for you to ask questions about things you’d like more information on, advice you are looking for or anything else. You can even ask me personal questions! My inbox is always open so you can send me questions whenever they occur.

This month, being the first month, I have a few questions asked in groups on FetLife. Any identifying information has been removed for the sake of anonymity.

When at a munch, do you find it inappropriate to extend your hand in greeting to a Dom/Master/Top? Is there a more appropriate greeting that could be extended?

It can be intimidating to meet new people at a BDSM gathering, especially if you are new yourself. I’d recommend listening to your mom’s voice in your head; be courteous and shake people’s hands if they are extended to you. If they don’t extend a hand you can nod and smile with a “nice to meet you”. Most people in a social setting won’t blink twice about a handshake. Just because you are submissive and the person you are greeting is a Dominant does not mean you have to greet them any more submissively. You are NOT submitting to anyone in that room (unless you have a partner with you).

A lot of social munches I’ve been to it has been common that once you know someone a little bit then hugs get passed around as well as handshakes. Maybe it’s a Midwest thing, maybe not.  You do not have to accept hugs if you are not comfortable.  Just stop them short by offering your hand if they come at you arms outstretched.

When meeting new Dominants and building a relationship is it considered topping from the bottom to try to explain how to get the best response from my body?

Novices, myself included at one time long ago, believed that the Dominant didn’t want my input and would magically just know what I loved and enjoyed and how to pleasure me. Turns out I was doing them and myself a disservice. It is not considered topping from the bottom to help the Dominant along with learning your body and your responses. They would appreciate the road map to be sure. Any Dominant that is worth his/her salt is going to want you to be open about yourself. Besides, your responses are part of what does it for them. So tell them if stroking your hair makes you melt or that biting really gets your body going. Even in the middle of a scene it could be necessary, imperative almost, to respectfully tell them if something they are doing isn’t working for you.

photo credit immrchris

Exploring Impact Play: A Variety of Pleasures

This is a guest post by bgtreasure for the BDSM Play Feature Series here on Submissive Guide.

I choose this topic to write about because it is my favorite form of play and has been since I’ve found this wonderful thing we call “The Lifestyle”.

The general definition of Impact Play that you will find in BDSM dictionaries:  Impact Play: Often referred to as edgy. The action is the same as paddling or spanking but done with the intent to cause deep tissue bruising. A bruise that is very painful and may take very long to heal.

So with the intent to cause deep tissue bruising which is something that I don’t really pay attention to it’s the more intense pounding and beating that gets me off.  I tend not bruise easily if at all.  I do consider this as a part of play that is edge play because serious damage could be done if it is not done correctly or without care for your partner.  I do however love when I do bruise and can feel it for the rest of the week and see the fruits of Sir’s labor.

Some instruments used for Impact Play are hands and fists, kicking, floggers and paddles which are of course used in various other forms of play but it is the intensity when using them that makes it Impact Play.  In my play it’s a steady rhythmic beating, building and building and intensifying as we go on.

When playing and going into this arena of play I find that I have to have a period of time to get my head straight with my partner, relaxing into him, relaxing my breathing and focusing on him before we start to play and we tend to build up rather than go full force out and out from the beginning.  Sir increases and decreases depending on where he knows that I am at and then pushes it to the level he wants me to be at.

I think the fact that I have to have a very special connection with my partner in order to go this far.  In my current relationship I believe our connection is so deep that he has taken me further then I have ever been and the experience each time after we first started playing has placed me in such a deep subspace that I literally can be beaten with any instrument and I just float, I feel as though I am on top of the world looking down at my body and my partner with a smile on my face swaying to some tune that is playing in my head.  Everything else drops away as each strike comes and becomes an expression of ecstasy.

Impact Play is generally the only type play (other than physically touching the genital area) that can make me come.  Again I think this comes because of our connection and that we can play so deeply and that he is in tune with my body but it sets off a reaction that somewhere deep in my mind that says this is hot, this is delicious, this makes you wet it’s time for you to come.  At first I thought it was a fluke because it’s not easy to make me come but as we continue to play more and specifically when he uses his hands as the instrument of torture I usually come and more than once.

Impact play for me is very freeing sometimes it’s like a very intense full body massage breaking the stress of the day, the week, the month.  I personally prefer when Sir uses his hands it makes it so much more personal and I believe strengthens our connection, however floggers and paddles can take me there as well.

bgtreasure is cofounder and conference organizer of Black BEAT Inc. (www.blackbeatinc.org), and cofounder of BESS (Baltimore Educational and Social Society). Bgtreasure has been involved in the BDSM lifestyle for over 9 years and has held various positions with other groups. Meeting people from all over and watching them share with others has truly been an eye opener for her. One of her proudest moments was (Black BEAT) winning the 2006 Pantheons Award for Small Event of the Year, and being nominated herself for the Pantheon regional award.  She enjoys networking with others and helping those new to the lifestyle. A submissive that enjoys many different aspects of this lifestyle, she is owned by Sir Mystical. Black BEAT is home for BG, her lifestyle accomplishments are commendable. She is also host along with Lady Z of Black BEAT’s Maryland Headquarters Munch Group.

She can be reached at bgtreasure@yahoo.com and on Yahoo and AIM messengers  and on fetlife under bgtreasure.

Photo by Luiza

Should There Be Clear Definitions to Label Yourself In This Lifestyle?

So, you’ve met submissives and slaves online, their Dominant and Master counterparts but as you get to know them and how they interact you start to see the things they do blurring the lines of what you had believed a submissive was, or that a slave wasn’t supposed to act this way, etc. It brings about quite a difficult and confusing time for novice submissives when they try to put themselves into a box where definition X might not apply to them, but sub-definition for Y does. Then they talk to someone else and neither X nor Y apply to them but some unknown before Z definition.

How do you keep it all straight?

For example, I call myself a submissive but people who have read my blog have called me slave, and also had people at munch groups call me slave. I’m not comfortable with my definition of being a slave so I sit at submissive. Then you have people who read my blog and wonder if I’m submissive at all. The range of personal definitions is that varied.

So should there be a solid set of definitions that people can choose from? Other than the dictionary definitions that is; something lifestyle related that we can point to and say if you fit into a, b and c you are submissive, but if you feel more like d, e and f you are slave. If we had to come up with specific definitions what would be in your list for each label? What traits would you look for to be a submissive trait but not a slave trait?

I read on K’s blog today about her issue with labels and her need to put people under a label in order to relate to them. She brings up a good point about definitions and labels though. In many cases the character traits of one are not mutually exclusive to a specific label. What do you do then? Create a blur zone, of course. In this blur zone are all the things that can apply to both submissive and slave. This blur zone is so large that there is no wonder why novices have such a hard time learning what they are and where they can place themselves.

She asked for a dichotomy map to help her place people, but the problem with a dichotomy chart for submissive and slave tendencies, I think, is that you need a cube instead of a flat map to place people. Not only will people be able to place themselves in the right places, but also the right planes for them.

That’s why I try so hard to have people who read this blog define their own submission, but that submission is right. No one is going to do your submission better than you do. You also can’t expect anyone else to have the same definition as you do.

Applying labels and using those definitions is practically impossible.

What do you think? Should there be clearer definitions for submissive and slave?

photo by Felix Francis

Chat Night Transcript From Sub Space and Sub Drop Talk

<~luna[KM]> Now I’d like to hear from everyone… have you experienced subspace? If you don’t know if you have, it’s okay.
<selene1123> i’m pretty new…so i think i have but am not sure
<slavelauren> i have
<radiogirl> I most definitely have
<pet_rain> i’m not sure  i think i would like a clear definition i’v heard different people desribe it differently
<selene1123> thank you pet_rain!  i am confused about some of the contradicting definitions
* ~luna[KM] smiles
<radiogirl> I think subspace would happen differently for each individual
<~luna[KM]> we will definitely be covering that
<slavelauren> i agree with that radiogirl
<~luna[KM]> I have experienced subspace as well, just so you all know where I’m coming from.
<pet_rain> yes everyone experiences everything differently
<~luna[KM]> welcome littlemiss96
<pet_rain> hi
<selene1123> hello
<slavelauren> hi littlemiss96
<littlemiss96> thanks…hi all
<~luna[KM]> we’ve just started talking about subspace and subdrop so jump right in when you feel comfortable.
<radiogirl> For me, subspace is also what I call my “happy place”
<~luna[KM]> are there other words for it?
<slavelauren> same for me
<~luna[KM]> euphoria?
<selene1123> i think that’s a good word for it
<radiogirl> yes, it is a euphoric place
<littlemiss96> i’m still really new to all this, but I think I got there last week…euphoria
<selene1123> like feeling the need to purr, lol
<~luna[KM]> it can also be a primal place
<radiogirl> but its where I am comfortable, secure in myself and my Master’s love
<~luna[KM]> one where you retreat to animal instincts
<radiogirl> yes
<radiogirl> that too
<radiogirl> :)
<slavelauren> so true
<~luna[KM]> So, as you can see sub space is a number of different things, but we can agree that it’s a happy euphoric sensation or ‘place’
<pet_rain> right like youve been redused down to your core and where you feel most content like there is nothing wrong in the world
<slavelauren> yes
<radiogirl> exactly
<selene1123> that perfect feeling
<slavelauren> oh yeah i like that
<pet_rain> okay then i’v experianced that i’v heard it defined very differently though
<radiogirl> so I have a question for you guys
<radiogirl> How do YOU get there?
<~luna[KM]> It’s different each and every time we play
<~luna[KM]> and I don’t get there everytime
<littlemiss96> sometimes its deeper than others
<selene1123> for me, it is through serving Master….even something as simple as dinner or desert
<radiogirl> yes of course littlemiss
<slavelauren> for me its the sound of Masters voice it doesnt matter if we are “playing” or not
<~luna[KM]> exactly, these are called triggers
<selene1123> i agree with you slavelauren
<selene1123> it is in or out of a schece
<slavelauren> we could be driving in His car
<selene1123> *scene
<radiogirl> it can be either for some people
<radiogirl> doesnt take a scene to put me in subspace
<pet_rain> when i’m laying in His lap or at his feet infrount of the couch or its after Hes played with me or used me, sometimes its after i’m punished sometimes just the looks He gives me
<slavelauren> We have a kinda trigger phase that puts me right under
<slavelauren> phrase sorry
<pet_rain> whats that?
<~luna[KM]> slavelauren, is the phrase something you can share with us?
<slavelauren> the simple words of To Serve Him is the greatest gift in Life
<slavelauren> sorry i had to ask
<pet_rain> dont be sorry
* ~luna[KM] smiles, that’s okay and I assumed so
<selene1123> understood
<slavelauren> thanks
<radiogirl> thank you slavelauren
<slavelauren> your welcome
<slavelauren> He says that and im under fast
<~luna[KM]> alright, so how would you describe YOUR subspace to someone who has never experienced it?
<selene1123> my subspace is a state of perfect harmony between Master and i
<slavelauren> wow thats hard, for me its like im there but not there.kinda outside looking in
<slavelauren> not feeling except ectasy
<~luna[KM]> For me, it is a sense of complete peace and happiness, but also a separation from my physical body (the pain if if it play) and a sort of spiritual connection to my Master.
<littlemiss96> the place where nothing else matters but my Master and me
<radiogirl> for me, its when I open myself totally to my Master
<selene1123> i have never felt a physical separation
<radiogirl> communion of souls
<selene1123> the opposite actually – i become very aware of my body and the sensations i feel
<radiogirl> some call the physical separation “flying”
<~luna[KM]> oh I have felt that way as well selene1123
<pet_rain> the only thing thats real is Him, His dominance is a weight i can really FEEL on me it engulfs me surrounds me consumes me and W/we are perfect there is no higher happieness there is nothing else that is real
<~luna[KM]> very beautiful pet_rain, lovely description
<slavelauren> im aware of the sensations but if it is pain or anything negative it does not hurt
<radiogirl> very nicely put pet
<slavelauren> wow pet thats awesome
<selene1123> i love the way you put that pet
<pet_rain> RIGHT i cant feel pain
<pet_rain> thanks
<littlemiss96>are all of you in 24/7 relationships?
<slavelauren> sometimes it gets me through some serious “play” Master is a bit heavy handed lol
<~luna[KM]> I generally can feel the pain, but it’s not painful.
<slavelauren> i am
<selene1123> yes littlemiss
<radiogirl> I am not
<littlemiss96> ok, thanks. i am not either
<~luna[KM]> You are LDR aren’t you radiogirl?
<pet_rain> i think the reason i can’t feel pain is because its negitive and to feel anything negitive would be selfish and i am incapable of being selfish there is only His pleasure
<radiogirl> for me its like…… I am so immersed in the pain that it ceases to exist…
* ~luna[KM] thinks pet_rain is a poet :)
<slavelauren> yes she is
<pet_rain> no i’m not
<pet_rain> (blushes)
<radiogirl> and I know that He immerses himself in it to
<slavelauren> well you are excellent with your words
<pet_rain> thank you
<selene1123> you have a gift for putting feelings into the perfect words
<radiogirl> yes I am in  a LDR, Luna
<slavelauren> radiogirl that is exactly the way Master describes His feelings when we talk about how He feels
<~luna[KM]> Did anyone read the optional pre-reading for tonight?
<radiogirl> yes
<slavelauren> i am sorry i did not
<pet_rain> i read some of it but most of it woulnd’t come up
<littlemiss96> i did
<radiogirl> i always do my homework Luna
<radiogirl> LOL
* ~luna[KM] winks… that’s why it is optional
<selene1123> i skimmed through it during work
<pet_rain> i only got to read about sub drop
<~luna[KM]> In the Mistress Steel essay, she talks about different levels of subspace
<~luna[KM]> and that you can move through the levels smoothly, like climbing a ladder
<pet_rain> yeah i would like to read that
<slavelauren> i have read it before and i its very well put for me
<~luna[KM]> well I can send you a copy pet_rain to your email if it won’t open. Just shoot me a message via the contact page when we are done here to remind me and give me your email.
<~luna[KM]> So, how important is sub space for you?
<selene1123> it is essential for me
<slavelauren> same for me
<radiogirl> same here
<selene1123> if i do not feel that space then i feel like i am not in harmony with Master
<~luna[KM]> I could actually take it or leave it. I love it when I experience it, don’t get me wrong, but it’s not important to my relationship or connection with Master.
<selene1123> and that is simply not an option for me
<slavelauren> very true
<littlemiss96> after hearing from all of you, i think my definition may have been too narrow
<slavelauren> what do you mean littlemiss96
<littlemiss96> well, i think i was thinking that subspace was only that detached euphoria, but listening to you guys, I am realizing that i go there whenever i talk to Master, whether in person, phone, or even text
<selene1123> that’s how i feel
<slavelauren> i can acheive it any time anywhere no matter what the form of communication is
<selene1123> or even when i am not with Master but doing something i know will please him in the future
<~luna[KM]> Not everyone you meet will agree with the definition that it’s a broader definition.
<slavelauren> very true luna
<~luna[KM]> Some will say that the non-play sub space isn’t sub space
<~luna[KM]> It’s more a slave space that is a focus for some relationships
<selene1123> that’s one of the reasons i was confused
<littlemiss96> ehhh..to each his/her own, i think
<slavelauren> for me it is slave space always
<~luna[KM]> Sure, the hope is that you will be able to develop your own definition.
<~luna[KM]> wb pet_rain
<pet_rain> oh i’m sorry it kicked me off
<pet_rain> my Master’s here now
<~luna[KM]> welcome pet_rain’s Master
<slavelauren> welcome Sir
<pet_rain> He’s reading along
<pet_rain> He said thanks
<radiogirl> Welcome Sir
<radiogirl> nice to have you with us
<selene1123> good evening
<~luna[KM]> Let’s focus now on play time
<~luna[KM]> how important is sub space to play time?
<slavelauren> pretty important for me
<selene1123> it depends on what kind of play for me
<selene1123> if it is physical/involves pain, very important
<slavelauren> very true
<littlemiss96> i dont think its possible for me to separate
<pet_rain> i think its very importain because i think i can please Him better while i’m in subspace
<radiogirl> I agree selene
<slavelauren> being in subspace expands my limits alot
<~luna[KM]> I agree with pet_rain that I’m more pliable when in subspace, Master can get me to do things that I would normally hesitate to do when I’m in subspace.
<selene1123> definitely
<radiogirl> Oh yes slavelauren
<radiogirl> thats when you learn how strong you actually are
<~luna[KM]> So, what if you can’t get to subspace? Are there alternatives to experiencing that ‘high’?
<slavelauren> well i dont know about everyone else but i am a slave so i dont have safewords or limits but subspace makes it easier sometimes
<pet_rain> right me too
<radiogirl> well, endorphins come
<radiogirl> and thats my High if i am not in subspace
<slavelauren> i always acheive subspace so i cant answer that
<littlemiss96> i think i do too, slavelauren
<~luna[KM]> I think a pretty darned good orgasm is a great alternative *grins*
<radiogirl> oh yeah luna
<littlemiss96> lol for sure
<selene1123> ditto, luna!
<slavelauren> true
<pet_rain> well… sometimes it doens’t come during sometimes i just feel used, but after its done i guess that feeling of being used and knowing that i made Him happy brings me to sub space
<~luna[KM]> how about emotional release. I know that sometimes when I play I feel emotions just pour out of me and that’s a healing process.
<slavelauren> one little problem with that luna i can only orgasm on command
<slavelauren> so if i dont have permission then that doesnt work for me
<~luna[KM]> sure, then that alternative isn’t good for you.
<slavelauren> for me its all about an emotional release
<pet_rain> i dont think i have emotional releases during play
<selene1123> it has almost nothing to do with physical release for me
<~luna[KM]> Does any of you cry during play/space?
<pet_rain> there is a emotional connetion sometimes
<pet_rain> yes
<pet_rain> i do
<pet_rain>  alot
<selene1123> i haven’t….yet
<radiogirl> oh yes
<littlemiss96> i haven’t yet, but I know I will
<~luna[KM]> How about laugh?
<selene1123> all the time….my Master loves “playful” play
<littlemiss96> oh yes…
<littlemiss96> we laugh togther a lot…and I’ve laughed in orgasm too
<slavelauren> i do both
<~luna[KM]> When I’ve entered space and the pain intensifies I tend to laugh when it hurts
<pet_rain> i’v laughed dureing play but when i’m in space i dont, i’ll smile alot but thats about it
<radiogirl> slavelauren, may I ask a question
<pet_rain> well sometimes i’ll like half laugh half cry its wierd
<littlemiss96> me too, pet_rain
<slavelauren> of course anything?
<radiogirl> how long have you been with your Master?
<radiogirl> im curious about the “come on command”
<slavelauren> over 5 years now
<slavelauren> cumming on command takes alot of practice and patience
<slavelauren> and trial and error
<pet_rain> i’m not allowed to cum without permission but i have trouble cumming on command
<radiogirl> I would like to talk with you about that sometime
<slavelauren> of course when we are finished i will give you my email and yahoo nic i am on alot
<radiogirl> I sent you a PM
<~luna[KM]> Are we ready to move on to Sub Drop?
<radiogirl> with my email
<slavelauren> i am allowed to talk to anyone
<pet_rain> yes
<selene1123> i think i experienced sub drop very badly this weekend
<~luna[KM]> wanna talk about it selene1123?
<littlemiss96> i had my first experience with it last week…awful
<~luna[KM]> I’d like to hear your experiences if you are willing to share them.
<slavelauren> got it radiogirl
<pet_rain> can someone define that for me?
<selene1123> to me, subspace is almost 24/7, but this weekend I completely threw out my neck….could not move, sit up, or talk…much less serve Master
<selene1123> all i wanted to do was cry
<~luna[KM]> Sub Drop is when the endorphins and euphoria leave your body and you feel what I call a crash in mood
<~luna[KM]> For some people this can be very severe and traumatic.
<selene1123> Master had to take care of me and i felt so….useless
<slavelauren> when i experience it is very traumatic
<pet_rain> okay like when you feel like yesterday you were His perfect little tng but today you feel frustrated and all wrong like that?
<~luna[KM]> I have felt that way too selene1123, when I’m sick.
<littlemiss96> i had a really rough time
<slavelauren> have you talk to Him about it?
<littlemiss96> combined with PMS…
<~luna[KM]> When I’m out of commission, he tells me that it’s his turn to take care of his property… his job ya know.
<selene1123> luna, that’s what my Master says….but i still feel so lost
<slavelauren> because Master has never experience subspace or sub drop He has asked me to discuss with Him the feeling that go with each one sub drop more bc He sees subspace in me most of the time
<slavelauren> smae here luna
<~luna[KM]> Did you know that sub drop happens more in committed relationships than in casual or long distance ones?
<selene1123> i can see that
<~luna[KM]> I did a non-academic study with the munch groups I attend and it was overwhelming
<slavelauren> i would have to agree with that
<pet_rain> i can deffently see how
<~luna[KM]> I know what I think as the reason, but why do you think that is the case?
<slavelauren> i think that is more of an emotional attachment in committed relationships
<selene1123> i think it is the level of devotion
<littlemiss96> i think that’s what partially caused mine…i’m realizing my heart is getting involved in this along with my mind and body
<pet_rain> because you are more emotionally connected with them everythings more real in your face everyday
<slavelauren> very tue luna
<slavelauren> true sorry
<~luna[KM]> I think that more casual or separate-lives relationships have less sub drop because of a defense mechanism to protect the person’s emotional state. When in a live-in relationship, you let your guard down more often, allowing for drop.
<littlemiss96> since my relationship is new, I kind of discounted that I would go through sub drop…i was totally unprepared for it
<slavelauren> very true luna
<~luna[KM]> Drop is the same though, the emotional distress, feelings of inadequacy or disbelief that you just went through play activity x, y and z. Or even shock from injuries received, and thoughts on how you can enjoy something like ‘that’.
<radiogirl> Its impossible to be prepared for subdrop
<littlemiss96> Master also had some personal stuff that kept him away from me for a couple of days, and I didn’t know why…in my fragile state, I began to have abandonment issues
<~luna[KM]> What forms of aftercare are available to you when you do drop?
<~luna[KM]> that can totally happen littlemiss96
<slavelauren> yes it can littlemiss
<selene1123> i feel the same way sometimes littlemiss
<littlemiss96> plus I was PMSing…so it was the perfect storm…lol
<slavelauren> Master is really big on aftercare
<radiogirl> lol
<littlemiss96> I talked to Master about it, and he apologized, and has promised to be there for more aftercare
<selene1123> i use my slave journal as aftercare; writing helps me “balance” myself out
<selene1123> plus i’m writing for Master so i feel connected to him
<slavelauren> when i first came to live with Master fulltime i already knew that He leaves every week Monday through Wednesday to see His sub about an hour from here but that first month was horrible abandonment issues galore
<littlemiss96> so do I selene1123…and I send it to Master
<slavelauren> i journal alot
<littlemiss96> i do ok as long as I know what’s going on and why he’s gone…when he says, “talk to you this afternoon” and then he doesn’t…that’s when I freak out
<~luna[KM]> I tend to find that taking a long hot bath or shower helps
<~luna[KM]> and chocolate, lots of chocolate
<littlemiss96> lol chocolate always works
<~luna[KM]> I’ve got some music I like to listen to as well when I’m dropping
<littlemiss96> or I love a day at the beach
<slavelauren> chocolate works very well
<~luna[KM]> Anything else you’d like to talk about related to sub drop?
<slavelauren> i have a meditaion cd that works really well bc it is all about sub drop and it guides you through getting out of it most of the time it works
<~luna[KM]> where did you get a CD like that slavelauren?
<littlemiss96> do y’all find it worse in connection to your cycle?
<selene1123> i’m interested too
<radiogirl> me 2
<littlemiss96> me too
<slavelauren> at a convention i attended a few years ago, i will true to download to mp3 and send it to everyone who would like it
<slavelauren> i have alot of them all different ones
<~luna[KM]> ooooh, that would be way cool! Can you legally share them?
<slavelauren> they help me alot
<radiogirl> I would love that
<slavelauren> i dont see why not
<selene1123> that would be great, slavelauren
<slavelauren> they are not copyrighted
<slavelauren> i just looked
<littlemiss96> should be legal then
<slavelauren> i like helping out anyone who asks especially if it helps them serve their Master better
<radiogirl> I appreciate that
<littlemiss96> thanks so much…should we pm you our email addresses?
<selene1123> thank you

First Meetings Done Safely

This week’s video post is on First Meetings Safety.

When you are ready to meet your dream Dominant for the first time, what goes through your mind? Do you think about safety at all or do the nervousness and excitment overload your common sense?

You may not think that safety is necessary for someone you’ve been talking to for x number of hours, days, months, years but the person you meet could be very different than what is portrayed and you may not be compatible. How do you get out of the meeting safely and how do you protect yourself?

I encourage first meetings for any relationship to grow and develop. It’s similar to a blind date, right? Normally someone else knows you are on that date and where you are going. Then they usually call you shortly after you get home to see how it went. This is commonplace in vanilla dating. Don’t forget that the start of a D/s relationship starts with dating!

Be Prepared

It is the boy scouts moto for a reason; always know what you are getting into and have everything prepared, even if you may never use it or need it. For first dates, make sure you have basic information about the Dominant you are meeting. What color and make their car is, their license plate if they will give it to you (and why wouldn’t they?), their name and phone number, address and other important information you have collected. Leave this information at home in plain sight and with your safe call (more on safe calls below). If something were to happen to you, then the authorities would have somewhere to start.

Of course no one wants something to happen, but it is better to be prepared and never have to use it than to disappear and leave no trace of you behind, right? It’s about common sense and personal safety; pure and simple.

Meet in Public

When you set up a first meeting make sure it’s in a public place. You don’t want someone coming to pick you up or meeting them at their private residence. I know being picked up could be romantic, but save it for future dates, this one is all about getting to know someone better.

Being in public gives you some security and having your own transportation means that if things go south you have a way home and aren’t relying on someone else. Besides, public places generally have better food choices, beverages to enjoy and a conversational atmosphere. That’s what gives first dates a good or bad vibe.

Set Up a Safe Call

A safe call is much like that friend who knows you are out on a blind date. You give them all the information you have collected on the person and then set up a call for a set time. Depending on your comfort level with the Dominant this call could happen during the date or immediately after it is supposed to end. Anyone can be a safe call person as long as they are available to call you or receive calls during the date. Many local munch groups have a safe call network in place.

This call is just a check in call. You can treat it any way you want. Some people have a code that they only answer yes or no questions and that gives the person on the other end a clue as to how things are doing and if you are in any danger. Others have specific phrases they use to clue the caller in to what is going on. You don’t have to be so cryptic if you don’t want to. It’s completely up to you.

A respectful Dominant should allow you to answer your phone during a first meeting. Those that don’t should be warning to you and you should try to find a way out of the date. I know some Dominants that insist you have a safe call in place before meeting them, just to give you some sense of security in a tense situation. Never turn down the request for a safe call.

Do Not Play

Unless you want to develop a reputation for recklessness abandon, then do not play on the first date! Get to know the person better face to face, see if there is chemistry there and then you can schedule play dates. If you feel you are being pressured to play, call your safe call and/or leave. You should not have to get intimate with someone you have only talked to online or by phone.

Listen to Your Gut

Most of the time your gut is right. If you feel things aren’t going well, get out. If you feel uncomfortable or pressured into doing something you don’t want to, then get out. Listen to your inner voice.

Finally, enjoy yourself. All of these things I’ve listed above should be autopilot for awhile. You can still have great first meetings and have these things in place but never really think of them.

Do You Answer When Submission Calls You?

There is no way to be sure but, the large majority of information about the D/s lifestyle is in fiction form. While it’s nice to escape into emotional and physical stories, they are fantasy. For submissives looking to get their feet wet, these stories could hinder or harm the very ideas that develop in the brain as far as how things really are. Fictional material leaves gaping holes in your understanding of submission and the D/s dynamic. The more experienced submissive will find BDSM fiction to be mostly useless and uninteresting. So many will say that it is nothing similar to what they do day after day for those they serve.

What we need to do is establish a visible understanding of what submission is like to those looking through the fantasy for the reality of it all. Submissive Guide does try to portray it with as little sugar-coating as possible. I look to people who experience things that I don’t for information that can benefit you. I write about topics that are timely and yet timeless. There will always be novice submissives, and I hope that Submissive Guide will always be there to lead them along the real path.

But what about you? Do you listen to your heart and that voice inside telling you what you should and could be doing? Is there a call to bend your knee to someone special? I’m not here to tell you that my submission is better than yours or that your submission is not as deep as mine is; I’m here to guide you to YOUR perfect submission.

Getting Started

There are tools and resources aplenty if you want to start out in D/s. There are even more access points if you enter a local munch group or social outing for BDSM practitioners.  Seek them out and feed your curiosity, don’t wait for them to come to you. Let your new life start now. Take that step.  Ask questions, lots of questions and not just to other people. I highly recommend talking to yourself about what you are learning. Many submissives do this in a journal, but as long as you are having these conversations you can develop your perceptions on submission. Submission is sensual and erotic, it is peaceful and loving but most of all it feels right when you found the mix that’s right for you.

So, look into the fiction that you hear about, The Story of O, The Beauty Trilogy, The Marketplace Series. I encourage you to read them all. See what fiction has created as far as the lifestyle and submission. What parts of it do you like and why? What would you like in your own submission? Just because something is written as fiction does not mean you can’t make it a part of your real submission.

Enhancing Your Spirit

Once you’ve found your path to submission it’s not time to relax and enjoy the ride, although you may be tempted. The most honorable submissives will tell you that what is valued more is a submissive willing to enhance their submission with new training, wider viewpoints, better understandings of nature, the world and the one they serve. Engage in polite debate with others about terms or ideas, generate opinions about different topics and be prepared to defend them. Create your personal submissive identity.

A submissive is not just a piece of property like a desk or a chair. A submissive improves with age, refines themselves, enriches the lives they touch. Much like a fine wine, although not kept on the shelf to collect dust and then once decanted is gone. The thirst for growth is infectious and innate in many submissives; some work hard for what they learn.

Answering The Call

So when you step foot into submission, don’t make it a passive affair. Engage your senses into your new life. Take charge of how you want your submission to grow and develop. Enhance your life with the talents you have, and try hard to use all of the passion and pleasure you can muster to not only make your Dominant happy, but yourself. Find that fulfillment.

In submission, you can find love… love for yourself. Answer that call.

A slave’s life is mostly composed of patience and study. Yes, study. If not with actual books, then following the example of greater, senior slaves. Or learning every nuance of their owner’s character, so that they can more completely and seamlessly offer themselves at the right time and in the right manner. — Laura Antoniou

photo by Dawn Ashley

Stop Fidgeting! [Day 12 - 2WBSP]

Just 2 days left in the Submissive Positions project here at Submissive Guide. If you need a review, please take a look at the primary post; it has links to all of the posts in the project.

Today I’d like to talk about the bane of many a submissive; fidgeting. Sitting still is really hard for me in many situations. Either nerves or discomfort will cause you to twitch and move when all you want to do is not move. So how do you learn how to cut down your fidgeting?

Meditation

That’s right. If you can quiet your mind you will be able to quiet your body. This is going to take more than a day to learn. I’d recommend trying it everyday until you can sit quietly for at least 15 minutes.

Activity

Sit comfortably with your spine straight. You may choose to sit in a chair or on the floor cross-legged as long as you can maintain the position for at least 15 mins. Do not lie down as this encourages drowsiness.

Now close your eyes and draw your attention to your breath. Notice how the breath enters your body through your nostrils and exits out of your mouth. Focus your attention on the places where your breath enters and exits. If thoughts or feelings surface  – and they will – simply return your focus back to your breathing. Count your breaths. Start with ten and work your way up. Then slowly open your eyes and become aware of your surroundings.

As you learn to do this for longer durations you will be able to use these tactics when you need to stand or sit still. Your body will be able to take a mediation moment and your fidgeting will cease.

I’m not saying this is easy; I don’t have it down pat either. But I’m learning and progressing and that’s the point. I’m better than I was a month ago and will continue to improve. You can too.

Next Steps

If bondage helps center you, try it during your meditation. It can help you focus on being silent and relaxing in your position.

Try to play some relaxing music while you hold your position. It’s best to choose music without words so that your focus remains on your breath and not the words of the songs. Practice holding your positions for up to 15 minutes.

Final step is to try your meditation and quieting movements with a lot of distraction. If you can, try to do your mediation at a play party or munch. It need not be obvious, just relax your body and sit silently for awhile.

Try to do your mediation in a position you have chosen from the previous posts. Start small and work your way up to 10 or 15 minutes. You will amaze yourself how the pain in your joints fades as your fidgeting fades.

Two Weeks to Better Submissive Positions

Your First Munch

This week’s video tip is about what to expect at your first munch.

So you are ready to venture into the great wide expanse of public life and meet people face to face. That’s great! A munch is a safe and fun environment to do that in. A munch is a meet and greet of kinky folks in a public to semi-private space where you can get to know people, talk and ask questions and just enjoy feeling good about who you are without having to hide anything.

Most munch groups hold their munches on a monthly basis in a restaurant or club. This way new people feel less intimidated because they are going to a public place. Other munch groups feel that a private setting is more comfortable and offer a member’s home as the munch location. In any venue you should try to feel comfortable and relaxed.

Munch groups usually have a dress code. No obvious fetish attire. The reason for this is common sense. They don’t want to bring attention to themselves. It’s a safety measure for you too. The less attention the group has, the less questions will be asked about the meeting from outsiders. Dress as you would going out with a group of friends. There is no reason to overdress. Be yourself.

Try to get to know someone. Usually the munch coordinator or leader of the group will try to introduce themselves. If this doesn’t happen within the first 15-20 mins, feel free just saying hi to whomever is nearby. Even if you are shy this could help break the ice and identify yourself as someone who wants to get to know people. Lurkers happen, but generally not for very long.

Some groups have a protocol in place for munches. Generally this is relaxed but the following rules are usually best:

1. Don’t touch. You may offer your hand for handshakes but leave the hugs for those that know each other really well. I’ve been to several groups where hugs from known members is common. If you are new, don’t initiate hugs.
2. Watch boundaries. Some couples are in their element and may not welcome contact within their space. This is especially true to Dominant/submissive couples. As a common courtesy, ask the Dominant if you can speak to the submissive, or wait to see if the submissive initiates conversation to know what is welcome. If in doubt, ask.
3. Munches are not pick up joints. Don’t try to set yourself out there as available and looking unless this is mentioned by the leaders that it is okay. The premise of a munch is socialization, not hook ups.

Lastly, enjoy yourself. You are at a munch to relax and enjoy being who you are. Let it flow. Laugh, chat, listen and learn. Don’t be afraid to ask questions.