Open for Questions

Submissive Guide.com is doing wonderfully as a start up site and I hope that each and every one of you has learned and grown in your submission since you found this site and it’s associated resources. I’m just one person hoping to provide you with something you may not be able to find somewhere else.

A real person to answer your questions and get advice. I can’t do it without you. If you have questions or are in need of advice, please contact me at subguide@gmail.com or come to the site and submit your question via my contact form.

Even if you’d just like to suggest something for the website, I’m open to hearing what you’d like to see. The site is for you just as much as it is for me. Tell me what you want!

You aren’t alone. Your question could help many other submissives in the same situation as you are. I want to be there for you. Let me help you.

So send in those comments, questions, suggestions and requests for advice. Thank you.

Chat Night Transcript From What is Service Talk

lunaKM> So, first I’d like to get some impression about how new you are to submission. Could you please tell me how long you have been exploring submission and if you are in a relationship right now?

lunaKM> hello aquamuse

aquamuse> Hello, I’m new of course.

eagerslut> I am in a relationship and just recently discovered I am submissive and asked my master to teach me. Previously he had other subs

selene1123> i am currently in a 24/7 m/s relationship…have been exploring submission for about 6 months

aquamuse> I am in my first positive and healthy D/s relationship now with a man who is just discovering how much he likes it when I do what he asks.

aquamuse> about 6 months.

eagerslut> We always have had a sexual d/s relationship but 2 wks ago i discovered I wanted a 24/7

pleasure> i am in a 24/7 D/s relationship for over 6 years now…..i am 53 and in the lifestyle 6 1/2 years

bc26_2> i have only been doing this since march of this year and i am in a D/s relationship for that same amount of time

lunaKM> I’ve been living 24/7 for 5 years, just so you know ;)

pleasure> smiles

eagerslut> :O:

lunaKM> Ok, so we have a range of experience levels. thank you so much for sharing with me.

pleasure> it’s an ever evolving lifestyle and growth, no matter how long one has been in it

eagerslut> That is what I believe

lunaKM> Now, what do you think service is to you? No answer is wrong.

selene1123> To me, service is anything i physically do for Master’s purpose or enjoyment

aquamuse> I’m going to venture here and say service is being totally available, open and willing to comply. This assumes my basic needs are taken care of and put to the side for the time being.

eagerslut> Doing something for someone that would make them happy,even if you don’t feel like doing it. Giving your heart and soul to please that person

pleasure> nick/pleasure…….service/submission..is all the same to me…what ever makes my Sir life easier, happier…and i might add that i am actually more a slave

lunaKM> I’ve always believed that service is a part of my submission and what I give to my Master on a daily basis. Service is, to me, the activities that help the house run, our life be enjoyable and the basic needs met.

pleasure> yes exactly luna

eagerslut> That is very true

lunaKM> But I had someone explain to me yesterday on my recent post that they believe service is separate from submission

lunaKM> and I really like that explanation she gave too.

bc26_2> i agree with service being anything that makes the house run and enjoyable…even when my Mistress is not here

selene1123> i see service as the physical representation of my emotion submission

selene1123> *emotional

aquamuse> I like that selene1123

lunaKM> I’m going to quote it here… CarrieAnn said: To me, service and submission are different. Service is something I do because I’m required to or even want to but doesn’t necessarily require that I submit to anything or anyone. I can not have a submissive bone in my body and still serve. Submission is more direct; surrender to his will, submission to his dominance. The two often merge but are not always one and the same.
eagerslut> I like that too

bc26_2> oh i like that too

pleasure> yes i like that

eagerslut> I can see that point

lunaKM> So as you can see for some of us they are the same thing, but for others they are separate

lunaKM> Perhaps that is why I see people identify as service submissives?

eagerslut> As is everything in life we are all different and we interpret things differently,from our own background

eagerslut> I like that term

bc26_2> i feel that i am in service to many — myself, my Mistress, my daughter at some level…but i submit to only my Mistress

lunaKM> If we can agree that service is likely to be activities and not emotional in nature then perhaps we can come up with a list of things that are service?

aquamuse> I can agree with the definition.

eagerslut> I am a nurse so I feel I service others on a daily basis but I submit to my MAster .

bc26_2> i agree

lunaKM> alright so is my daily coffee preparation for my Master service or submission?

lunaKM> How about the daily chores?

pleasure> i am a nurse too,as like eager, i only submit to my Sir

eagerslut> C

selene1123> i would consider daily tasks or chores service

aquamuse> by definiton – these are examples of serice.

eagerslut> keeping the house clean

selene1123> but why you do it and how you do it is an aspect of submission

eagerslut> making sure my Masters children are taken care of

pleasure> laundry, making the bed..keeping the house clean is all service…

* lunaKM nods

lunaKM> Is sex a form of service?

eagerslut> BAking.massages,listening

aquamuse> baby making?

pleasure> my Sir has set in rules for a clean house

pleasure> yes i believe that would be a service aqua

selene1123> sex to me is a form of service

pleasure> i agree selene

eagerslut> Yes I think sex is a form of service,but I love it so much it definitely isn’t a chore

pleasure> no chore here either lol

aquamuse> hehe

lunaKM> Are all things service related as chores though?

pleasure> service doesn’t have to be something enjoyed

lunaKM> I’d think that there are some things you do that you enjoy just as much as sex as service.

aquamuse> I have things like workouts and keeping a calendar updated – are these service by our definition?

pleasure> no i don’t think all things service related are chores

eagerslut> I hate to cook but I do it because my Master loves it when I do. He generally does most of the cooking but I know he is very pleased when I do

lunaKM> I believe so aqua

selene1123> service itself is enjoyable to me…even if the act i am performing may not be

lunaKM> For me that’s hard to get in touch with selene1123. I’m quite expressive in my face and even if I try not to show my displeasure at a task he tends to figure it out.

bc26_2> i agree with you selene

pleasure> yes but you are still serving luna

aquamuse> me too selene1123

lunaKM> heh, I hear that a lot from him also :P

eagerslut> I do also

lunaKM> Next thought…. do all submissives serve and do all that serve submit?

pleasure> no

eagerslut> No

aquamuse> no

bc26_2> no

lunaKM> In what way can we describe the separation?

pleasure> it’s clearly upon each individual and the circumstances of the relationship

eagerslut> I think they are interchangable

pleasure> i don’t think there is line to divide the two….they do intertwine at times for many of us

selene1123> some may serve out of necessity or arrangement (like a stay-at-home mother or father) but that doesn’t mean they are submitting

pleasure> very true

eagerslut> Yes I agree

pleasure> to submit for me is doing something i detest….and yet serving

pleasure> does that make sense ?

lunaKM> Why do you think service is held in such a high place when Dominants talk about what they would like in a partner?

lunaKM> It does pleasure.

eagerslut> I think serving is a task you can do for anyone and submission is giving your being over to your Master.

eagerslut> To establish routines

pleasure> first of all….Dominates…are predominately Male….and have different ideas and thoughts as to what serving is…it’s what and how They define it

aquamuse> I know my Lover simply enjoys the idea that I obey him in simple requests. I think the power of that has suprised him.

eagerslut> To esatblish who is in control

selene1123> i agree with eagerslut – to emphasize who has the reins in the relationship

aquamuse> I agree too with eagerslut

lunaKM> I think that since service is what they can see immediately as a result of their dominance that they tend to place that a bit higher in importance

lunaKM> submission may not be immediate, but you can serve

eagerslut> Yes how true

pleasure> yes

aquamuse> that idea works for me luna.

selene1123> i can see that

pleasure> there are those that identify as bottoms..they serve..but don’t submit

lunaKM> So is the desire to serve natural or something learned?

eagerslut> Both

aquamuse> for me it seems to be natural.

pleasure> one can only answer for themselves….for me it natural…and yet i feel it can be learned

eagerslut> Some come by it naturally but anyone can learn to serve if they desire

lunaKM> it’s completely learned for me. and it’s not coming easy, that’s for sure

bc26_2> it depends – it is natural for me

aquamuse> I read your bio today.

lunaKM> which one aquamuse?

selene1123> yes, it depends on the person…i’ve always felt the need to serve, though i never really had an outlet before Master

eagerslut> I am a mixture. I have some inherent ability to serve but I can be very selfish at times

aquamuse> Luna.

lunaKM> Oh I meant which site did you read it on

eagerslut> I agree with selene

pleasure> i am a nurse..to serve is natural….

aquamuse> Yours Luna, you mentioned that the whole submissive thing was contrary to your persona? I hope I got that right?

lunaKM> yeah, I’ve had to do some rewiring. It goes opposite to how I was raised.

lunaKM> I get the greatest thrill though when I do something in full submission mode though.

aquamuse> on the Submissive Guide

lunaKM> Which is probably why I’ve stuck with it.

eagerslut> i always thought taht being liberated and independent I couldn’t be submissive but I have found that since I have given myself over to it I am more liberated

lunaKM> There were a good 6 months I considered going Domme. ;)

pleasure> i lived in a marriage of 23 yrs, and didn’t realize till after my divorce that he was controlling..not Dominate ..there is a difference..and to the way one submits to each

bc26_2> can you describe what you mean by full submission mode

aquamuse> * smiles*

pleasure> you are free now to be who you really are inside

eagerslut> Yes controlling is different My first husband was a controller

selene1123> i agree eagerslut…Master likes to make fun of the fact that i am a feminist submissive

lunaKM> full submission mode for me is when I’m given a task and as I’m performing it, no matter what that is, I feel a peace, like all the pieces fit just right, a perfection at my choices in life.

lunaKM> I’d like to attain that as permanently as possible, but right now it’s just fits and starts.

eagerslut> You explained that beautifully

eagerslut> I will strive for that

bc26_2> nice

lunaKM> I get like a buzzing in my head almost when I get there, and my heart swells in my chest. It’s grand.

aquamuse> I wan’t that too.

pleasure> good way to explain it luna……for myself, luna, i call that “focus”

lunaKM> yeah, it is a focus, sure!

selene1123> to me, it’s a moment of perfect connection with Master

pleasure> smiles

eagerslut> :)

lunaKM> Do any of you provide any unique service to your Dominant?

eagerslut> I remodeled his home,laid tile

pleasure> well….grins ..everything from toweling Him dry after a shower..to tying of His shoes

bc26_2> wow – you go

eagerslut> Had to go to Home depot to learn that

pleasure> Dom Depot lol

eagerslut> ;)

lunaKM> Master loans me out to the BDSM communities around us when calls for volunteers are needed for events. I’ve folded pamphlets to checking people in at the door and serving as hostess.

lunaKM> He’s not as … outgoing as I am… so he says I go in his place :P

selene1123> i act as His personal assistant…He hates writing, remembering appts, anything like that so i kinda “manage” things for Him

lunaKM> I am also Master’s chauffeur. He never drives

eagerslut> I get him out of the house to exercise he hates to get going but enjoys it once he does

eagerslut> Mine hates to drive also

* lunaKM chuckles I wish I could do that for my Owner. He just says watching me is enough workout.

pleasure> we mentor others in the lifestyle..and i have given classes as other Doms request Their subs/slaves need training in areas of service that the Dom is not able to do

pleasure> (at)

lunaKM> I suppose Submissive Guide is a service I provide too

pleasure> oh yes luna !! smiles

eagerslut> Yes it helps me

pleasure> a service to all that reads it

aquamuse> Good service!

selene1123> very informative for the new slave!

bc26_2>  agreed

pleasure> being in the lifestyle for over 6 years now, but i am still a child learning my way

lunaKM> Like eagerslut said, she had to learn something in order to serve in a way or another. What have you went out to learn so that you could serve better?

pleasure> i took geisha classes ! lol

eagerslut> I love to learn and feel like I would wither away if I am not learning

lunaKM> what are geisha classes like?

pleasure> learn grace, pose …..

eagerslut> Oh I would love to do a geisha class

bc26_2> i am putting together a list for my Mistress now on things I need to learn

aquamuse> I learned the theory’s of lifting weights and started workout out.

lunaKM> oh lordy, Master would so have me in a grace and poise class in a

heartbeat.

bc26_2> lol

pleasure> it was fantastic….a part of me woke up, literally…..seeing His eyes the first time i walked in the room with out plunking down on the floor at His feet lol

eagerslut> I love the grace of a geisha. my Master lived in Okinawa and he is into that

selene1123> Master has discussed sending me to geisha classes, but the closest ones are almost 6 hours away :(

eagerslut> :(

lunaKM> awesome I doubt there are any around me, but I’m sure I can find some reference materials online ;)

aquamuse> I read that book about Gehsha. Loved it!

pleasure> google it selene…there are online sites that have wonderful tips, ect

eagerslut> I’ll do that also

aquamuse> I believe beauty is a service.

eagerslut> I have been practicing yoga and getting into position gracefully

pleasure> i may be in jeans and t-shirt one day , dirty in garden dust….but i have a feeling..of being sexy…

pleasure> oh yes i agree aqua

selene1123> definitely aqua

eagerslut> I feel sexy when I think of my Master

pleasure> taking pride in your appearance

lunaKM> Alright, anything else you’d like to cover about service?

bc26_2> yes, taking pride in appearance

eagerslut> Appearance is very important

eagerslut> I love shaving and getting ready to see him

eagerslut> He loves for me to wear dresses and heels.The heels are definately a service

selene1123> haha, my Master is the opposite

pleasure> i shave daily, sometimes twice if we are having company, for a teaching session for others ….shaving is a daily service for many subs/slaves

selene1123> i wear dresses and heels all the tim, so He likes me to wear jeans and sneakers

pleasure> your behavior…just as appearance reflects service….and it reflects back to Your Dom/Master

eagerslut> Yes my Master has already informed me of that. To speak succinctly when asked a question and to think before I speak

pleasure> yes and in a quiet tone…..

pleasure> in geisha training, words are not needed

pleasure> it’s your body that speaks for you

pleasure> the way you move….kneeling down to tie His shoe, He knows i have arthritis in both knees..that is service though painful for me

eagerslut> true

lunaKM> Well ladies that is all I have for tonight. I can stay for another half hour to chat so I’m going to open the floor for free chat if anyone would like to stay.

eagerslut> I’m going to have to get a geisha outfit now

bc26_2> thank you very much for the chat luna

eagerslut> That you for your insight luna

aquamuse> Thank you luna.

Also might interest you

Simply Service Newsletter

Spread The Word about Submissive Guide

Can you do me a favor? I know this is essentially self-promotion, but if you find this site useful and worth keeping going, could you help me out?

First, you could always donate a bit of spare change to keep me buzzing with hot tea and chocolate. You can send it to me via the donate form on the right.

I also have several options for advertising. If you have a site or business you’d like to advertise here on Submissive Guide, please see my Advertising page.

If you don’t have the cash, but would love to help me anyway I would be thrilled!

Please, just take a moment and spread the word. I’m here, I’m willing to mentor and share my experience, give me an hand and let the world know.

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Just let everyone know that you’ve found a great new resource that deserves attention.

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Thank you,

–lunaKM

Dominance as a Slave Training Tool for Better Submission

When starting out in submission, there are a lot of roads you can choose and so many people direct novices to training and needing to be trained. Most of these novices then seek out a Master or Dominant to train them. This concept that the Dominant can teach the submissive more about surrender is a myth. Dominants only provide submissives with the tools they need to then seek further surrender.

My stand on this a stepping off point from the video post about Slave Training. I said in that post that training was everything that you do for your Dominant when directed to do so in a certain manner. That is partially correct. Yes, in a basic form that is training in a relationship, but it does not work towards a submissive’s ultimate goal of deeper surrender. If you want to deepen your surrender then you need to look inside yourself and learn what it really is to be submissive, find that core of desire within yourself and fan the flames. A Dominant does not know how to do this and can not help you get there. This is your personal journey; the journey inwards.

Think about how many times you’ve thought that your Dominant (or any Dominant) just doesn’t understand where you are coming from, or how hard it is to submit all the time. That’s exactly it. A Dominant can not get in touch with their submissive side, and believe me, everyone has one. If they are in their Dom Hat, tThey can think intellectually about your submission, but they can’t touch on the emotional, passionate side of your submission – the part that drives you to do things with joy and love and fulfillment.

Dominants that may have submitted first in their explorations or switches have a different but similar issue. They may know what it’s like, or what an experience did to them, but they still can’t help you. What they felt or dealt with as far as struggle will be different for them than for you. The advice they may give you is based on how they interacted with the experience. Even if they felt deep in submission during that time, once they put that Dom Hat back on, they can’t get in touch with it. It’s a road block.

What can you do to improve your submission if you can’t be trained in it by your Dominant? Your Dominant is still a valuable tool for slave training and we can use them as a tool for our own development. Take the rules and orders they give us, how do they mold us if we are also seeking a deeper level of submission. Can we make them a learning experience to be able to focus deeper on our own? Most of the time, Dominants allow and encourage submissives to speak to other submissives. There is an intelligent reasoning behind this. You can and do pick up training from other submissives. All the time, I am asked for help and assistance and can only hope that along with the advice they are learning how to figure it out for themselves and internalize it.

You may not actively want a mentor, but each and every submissive you exchange information and knowledge with is mentoring you and you are mentoring them. Even wise and experienced submissives learn from the younger. How do you see your conversations with submissives improving your own submission? If you can’t see it, look harder. And if that doesn’t help you, use this site as an example. You are reading this post, picking up information and many of you will take something away from it and learn. Others will find another article to do the same thing.

I’m just a submissive with an ability to express myself and a desire to help other submissives. I am a tool that a Dominant will want you to come seek out when you need to understand your submission and improve it. So the next time that you hear Slave Training and a Master that says they can train you, I’d ask direct questions as to how they can show you about surrender when they do not submit. It’s not a challenge to Dominance at all for they can train you – just not in your own submission. You have to seek that out; whether within you or from senior submissives.

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Can Online Training Work?

This week’s video is about online training and submission.

The world of online Dominance and submission is riddled with skepticism and disbelief that anyone can really live and enjoy a relationship online. The fact of it all is that there are an endless numbers of people experiencing a form of D/s called cyber D/s. Whether it be because they can not live it in real time due to partners that don’t understand, or they are exploring their sexuality safely a cyber relationship with a D/s feel is developed.

4 Things to Look for in a Mentor

There are mentors in every area of life and situation. In BDSM it is sometimes recommended to newbies to pick up a mentor, but are never given the tools to find a mentor that is right for them. I know that when I first started out there were good people to be around and not so great people that left their mark on me. I do wish that people had lead me to learn what a mentor is and how to go about finding one that is right for me.

First, a mentor isn’t just a friend that you can talk to, although they could start out that way. A mentor is someone that you can get advice from, learn from and feel close to in a submissive context. They exist to help you learn who you are and what to expect in different lifestyle situations you may encounter as you grow in confidence and submission. A mentor is not a trainer and should not be directly involved in any physical training that you undergo. You should never have an intimate physical relationship with your mentor.

Let’s take a real world example: Big Brothers and Big Sisters. These volunteers are mentors for needy children all over the nation. They become friends and confidents for the kids involved and some go on to be close to their little brothers/sisters well into adult hood. They strengthen the child’s confidence and provide them an outlet to learn and grow without the stress of parents influence. It’s all healthy and beneficial for both parties.

A BDSM mentor should be similar. There are a few things I’d like you to look for the next time you seek out a mentor for your life. Keep them in mind the next time you approach someone and you may be able to find the person that can guide you.

1. Are their beliefs and definitions similar to yours?

You want to find a mentor that has the same definitions of common terms in BDSM. If they feel that a submissive and a slave are the same thing, and you don’t then they won’t be compatible with you when you bring up topics along that thread of thought. Treat your first few conversations as an interview. Ask them how they came into BDSM, what they think about safewords and relationships and those all important personal terms. If they mesh well with what you think then keep going. This person could be a good mentor for you.

If you are so new that you don’t know what those personal definitions mean to you, then take on what is known as an open mentor. This is someone that is availabe for new people to learn for themselves and helps guide you into your own definitions so that you can find a more targeted mentor later on if you choose to. I consider myself an open mentor and want to help you find yourself before you key into the specifics of your new life as a submissive. I can do focused mentoring, but prefer to make sure your personal beliefs and definitions are solidified first.

2. Are they open to letting you talk or do they force a lot of questions at you?

A good mentor is going to allow for silence in conversation so that you can think things through and talk about what you want to talk about. Mentors know when to point questions at you that will help you think, but keep the conversation flowing the way that is most beneficial to you, the mentee, not the mentor. You should be able to pick up this trait from the interview phase.

3. Are they professional yet comfortable to be around?

When you first meet someone or talk to someone that is considering being your mentor, are they professional in manner? You should feel comfortable around them relatively easily and feel free to talk about whatever is on your mind. If you feel uncomfortable or their questions are far more private than your relationship allows, it’s a warning sign that they are not the mentor for you. A mentor’s job is to make a novice comfortable with what they are experiencing and who they are, if that can’t happen in the interview phase it may not happen at all.

4. Do they appear to know what they are talking about?

Mentors are not going to know everything, but they are going to be well versed in a lot of aspects that novices come to them with questions about. If your mentor gives you the impression that they don’t know a whole lot about what you need to talk about, it may be best to seek out someone else. Great mentors will be prepared for all questions, even if it means they need to research and learn before they can give you quality advice. Someone not willing to work for you as well as with you isn’t really taking your growth strongly.

Now there are a lot of other things to look for in a mentor, but for now; take these thoughts and figure out if a mentor would be someone you want in your current situation. If it is, start seeking them. Interview them before you start pouring your thoughts to them. Get to know them as a person and as a submissive. Feel comfortable with them and don’t let them lead the thoughts, they are there for your growth. Continue to learn and your submission will develop.

Do you have questions you’d like me to answer? Let me know in the comments or the contact form. If you want to remain anonymous, just make your name ‘Anon’ or something similar.

photo by Forty Two

What is a Mentor?

This week’s video tip is about mentors.

A mentor is a person more experienced in certain aspects of life than you are. They are also more open to varying viewpoints, have a desire to teach and aide others. A mentor is a role model and a very special counselor to those they council. In business newcomers are usually given a mentor to help them learn the business and become familiar with how things are run. They provide advice and training to the novice.

A mentor is a counselor and adviser for newcomers. Mentors usually provide an experienced view of the area being explored by the new person. They can provide training and teach the proper way that things should be done so that cautious movements become confidence.

A mentor not only helps the newbie at the beginning but can be there to advise and aide them during all phases of their development. In business the mentor is usually a more experience person with good communication skills and lots of patience.

Applying mentoring to a BDSM context a mentor is someone that guides and advises a newbie on what to expect, things they might want learn and other items. I believe a mentor should be on the same level as you. If you are submissive, then you should have a submissive mentor. Visa versa for a Dominant. They will be able to connect more with what you are thinking and feeling and can help you better than the opposing role could.

What I can do for you?

Other than just reading my posts on the website, which I promise you you can learn from, I’m here to listen to you, answer your questions and provide you with advice. In the coming months I’m putting together my first of many training courses that will provide you other ways you can learn and get advice directly from me. So subscribe to my feed and keep reading. I’m planning a lot to bring you further into your submission and learn who you are and who you can be. Let me help you find the way.

The Differences Between Bottom, Masochist, Submissive and Slave

As a point of personal opinion I’d like to define the differences between very basic terms so that there is no confusion as to who I am referring to when I mention either of these terms. I write this guide in my perspective and provide my mentorship and guidance with these terms clearly defined for me. I welcome varying viewpoints in the comments so please feel free to disagree civilly and provide your own view.

There are several other names that can be ‘classed’ for the submissive role in a relationship. The ones I’m covering here are the basics. I am well aware of toys, pets, sluts, servants and many many other names. Please do not feel that I am not leaving you out, but for the sake of clarity and simplicity I am covering only Bottom, Masochist, Submissive and Slave.

Bottom

A bottom is the lower role within a play session. Generally the person does not submit outside of the agreed upon time that both parties are enjoying the physical aspects of play. Bottoms have more control over what happens in the scene than other submissive types.

Masochist

A masochist is someone who likes to receive pain for pleasure. They can be the bottom in a scene but the reason I gave it a separate designation is that there are Dominant roles that are also masochist.

Submissive

A submissive is someone that submits in a relationship either part of full-time. This can involve only in the bedroom play all the way to live-in service. A submissive generally submits only to those they are in a D/s relationship with and are respectful of others outside of it. A submissive has roles and rules and structure to guide their interactions with their Dominant and with others. Most of the time they still hold a veto card called the safeword.

Slave

A slave is a separate form of submissive. They hold no limits other than what their Masters give them. They can not refuse service to their Dominant. The argument has been going on since the beginning of time about the real differences and so I’d like to set up right here what I believe so that you can understand where I am coming from when discussions happen on this site. A slave is on a deeper more intense level of service than any submissive could work up to. If someone says they were submissive and became a slave, it is because they were always a slave and are now finally identifying as that. Becoming a slave is re-identifying yourself, not just a progression but an intensification of submission.

Feel free to share your thoughts in the comments! What name to do you rest well under?

photo credit honeyjew

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The Realities of Online Submission

Exploring submission online is a growing reality. Chat networks, IRC chat rooms and websites developed for real-time fantasy all have areas where the D/s subculture thrives online. They have developed online protocols, rituals, belief systems and several new words the enhance the fantasy online.

I was once an online submissive. Years ago this was a safe way for me to explore BDSM and my possible role in the Lifestyle. It still remains a relatively safe place for someone to learn about the Lifestyle. There are some precautions I’d like to express regarding that safety though.

Don’t Share Everything

It may go without saying, but if I don’t say it I will feel a responsibility to everyone one of you if something happens. There are predators online; from stalkers to identity thieves and even some plain old creepy people. Do not give out your full real name, address, phone number or any other REAL information about yourself. Even if you think you trust this person completely, you really can’t online. You haven’t a clue who is sitting at the other side of the keyboard; trust yourself with your information.

This also goes with sharing your family history, information about your relatives and friends, your job or anything else that could be used to dig up information about you. It’s called personal information for a reason. Keep it that way.

Keep Your Heart Protected

You can get very attached to someone online, and the feelings are real no matter what others say. The attachment to a possible dominant and yourself could overpower your emotions and you’d be hooked. Keep a sense of reality in mind at all times because online play is a fantasy. Think with your head not your heart when it comes to connections with someone online. It’s amazing how many people fall in love online and then get hurt because the other person shattered the fantasy.

This isn’t to say that you can’t fall in love with someone online in this day and age and then meet each other and be completely happy. Online dating wouldn’t be such a big thing if it didn’t work for some people. Chatting and virtual reality are just extensions of the dating scene for BDSM folks.

Keep in mind that if you intend to move to offline submission, that the people you are talking to may not. For some people it is all about the fantasy, they choose not to live away from the computer for one reason or another.  They could explore their fantasies, escape from life’s struggles and pretend to be someone else online.

If you desire to move offline, do not pretend to be someone else. Those that you friend could become confused at your real intentions and may flag you as a pretender and not someone serious with exploration and learning. Know what you want to give as your personal impression.

Online Protocol

There are rules online in the BDSM subculture as there are in realtime groups and relationships. These rules are developed for each chat room or environment. Don’t assume that the rules are the same in every location. There are places that will require submissives to beg entrance, use the S/slash speak or even refer to every dominant as Sir/Ma’am. Your imagination is a vital asset in these places as they tend to require you to pretend you are in a room, lounge, dungeon, bar or another location with all the toys you could pretend to have at your disposal.

Use Other Resources Also

Don’t consider your online experiences as part of your overall experience. You may consider what you type and feel as real, but the realtime community will not. You can use this time to explore online websites, chat with people that are in the lifestyle offline as well and really get to know yourself. Online is a great place for that.

Ask for a mentor or helping hand when you are ready to really learn what it is to be submissive. The offline submissives will help you prepare to move offline and explore your new found lifestyle. It will be scary, but with someone there for you, it can be done. I’ve done it and I’m just fine now.

About

Welcome to The Submissive Guide — a blog look at mentoring, self-taught training and BDSM exploration.

My name is luna and I’m a full-time submissive in a D/s relationship. I am webslut to The Iron Gate, Submissive Journal Prompts, The Thinking Dominant and a few others.

I started blogging when I was exploring D/s online in 2003. I used it primarily as a way to get my thoughts together and hopefully to find people that understood what I was thinking at the time. I needed advice, mentors and helping hands.

Since then I have blogged in several different places, settling on BDSM is Love. I’ve developed opinions and thoughts on many topics within the the D/s dynamic and BDSM. I don’t consider myself to be an expert at anything at all but I do think that I’ve grown to enjoy sharing and writing about all the different themes that submission and service provide me.

As my blog grew in popularity I realized that I had a commodity that people could use. My insights and words. More than just the personal meandering thoughts I tend to gather on my blog, but more thoughtful help for submissives that are seeking advice, mentorship and someone who understands.

From Online, Long-Distance and Casual to Real-Life, Full-time Submission

I’ve been through it all and can give a submissive valid insights on all facets of exploration. I’ve been an online submissive, lived a long-distance service and even played casually for awhile. Now I’ve moved to live-in submission where we tried part time, just in the bedroom and finally settled on full-time D/s dynamic where we are most happy.

So, if you feel that I won’t understand where you are coming from, just try me. I might surprise you!

Why Submissive Guide?

This site is dedicated to helping submissives understand themselves and the service they wish to provide; from sexual to domestic, personal assistant to pain slut and everything in between.

I started this site in January of 2009 because I wanted to help others out there to understand the feelings and experiences that are new and sometimes puzzling. I’d like to be a mentor to novice submissives, develop a learning program of sorts and give you tips and information on how you can improve your personal submission with or without a partner. I’ll be regularly adding essays, reviews and perhaps a video or podcast or two.

I hope you enjoy the site.

What others are saying about Submissive Guide

Thank you very much for putting this all together. i am new to the lifestyle. i have met a wonderful Master who found your site and referred me to it. i have gleaned so much information. It has really given me so much wonderful information that i feel more enlightened and better equipped to understand what my Master is teaching me. There has been so many wonderful thoughts, ideas and pointers that I really can’t be more specific. From the bottom of my heart, thank you. — dita

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I followed a link to your site and I have been reading it the last several days. I want to compliment you on the excellent job you have done with it. I am very impressed with many of the articles and blogs and other resources you list. In fact I have given the site to my LDR submissive because she is on the new side and I thought it would be helpful to her.

But I must say several of the articles I have found helpful to me too! I hope you don’t mind one of us D types lurking around.

I wanted to let you know how impressed I am with your site. Thank you for publishing it! – LGM

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I just wantedto drop you a line and tell you how much I enjoy your website. I am a newbie to the lifestyle – started with reading books, articles on the internet and have begun chatting on line. I have met one Dom, had one meeting that was very brief but seemed to go well – I was comfortable with him (normally a very shy person and don’t open easily at first) and he seemed pleased. I am trying so hard to take it slow but am so anxious to experience all that I have read/learned about.

Again, just wanted to give you a little nudge of encouragement and to let you know that your words help those of us new to the lifestyle. Thank you again –Terri

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I wished to write to you to thank you for taking the time to put together your wonderful site. I stumbled across it late last night while searching for a collar that Sir has instructed me to buy to formalize our relationship, and I read with great interest. I plan to show Him your site this evening, but I have already undertaken some of the exercises you have shared.  In reading, I realized how much work we have already done in our short month long relationship; particularly in training.  I took the time to formally write down all the ways in which my own instincts or behaviors have been modified or finessed to be more pleasing to Him, and this was truly a labor of love, so I appreciate it. — A

Contributions and Sharing

I do not know everything there is to know about everything. If you feel that you can contribute an essay or series of essays on a topic that you feel you know a lot on, please feel free to send me information via my contact page. I would be happy to hear what you could provide.

I am also open to being a guest blogger on your site. If you would like me to write something for your blog or website, please contact me. I would be happy to contribute to your site as long as I can have a short promotion of mine in return.

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