Processing Pain and Being a Masochist

Being that I’m a masochist, I love pain. I’ve never really thought about it or analyzed what that means really, but reading other people’s blogs has always helped me see that saying I’m masochist is just another huge personal term in BDSM as a whole. So, to think it though, this is what being a masochist means to me.

I eroticize pain. I get the most thrill from impact play; be it flogging, spanking, paddles or crops. Just thinking about these activities can stir my sexual responses. I like sting more than thud which I’m beginning to think is a rare thing. So many people I talk to cringe when I say I like sting. I’ve always interpreted thud to be kinda uneventful. Now don’t get me wrong, I love the feel of a heavy flogger thudding across my back, but the masochist in me wants sting and feeds off of it. I get the most gratification from a mixture of sting and thud. I like intense and steady once I’ve made to to that happy place.

Constant pain like clothespins and nipple clamps or the swelling of areas while the blood flow is cut off is another delicious pain, but it’s one that I have a tendency to struggle against. In this I know that I like the struggle, I like the feeling that I can’t take one more minute and yet proving myself wrong over and over again. I like to tremble as the endorphins take hold and I like the buzzy feeling I get when the pain has reached the threshold. Going past the threshold is just pain, not pleasure at all. With constant pain, pushing me over the edge will max me out.

How I process the pain really depends on how I’ve gone into the scene. The easiest for me is to moan and groan and sigh, allowing my body to express itself any way I can. I tend to wiggle or struggle with it and then against the pain. To space a bit I have to get past this point. I have to progress to silence and acceptance. When the pain of the impact toy blurs with pleasure and is more muted no matter how fierce it may be is when I can find a zone that I love to sit in and probably could for hours. It is cathartic and feels healing in a way.

Another way I like to process pain is to bring out the tears. It’s a release to cry and sob and let the natural expression of pain come out. It starts out small and can lead to screams and loud cries. In this state I think I could get the most personal satisfaction from. I feel that I can push myself past the tears then I’ve made it to some level beyond what I thought I could have pushed myself.

It’s only been recently that Master has accepted that making me cry is okay. It used to be a full stop for him. Needless to say I crashed hard if he stopped then. I was just getting into it and then he’d stop because he thought my reaction was negative rather than positive. Many conversations later I think he’s accepting that I will call red if I’m done.

One of the most embarrassing ways I communicate pleasure in pain is by laughing. I get this way on more occasions than I can count. He could be going at me with the paddle and it will be so painful that I laugh and laugh. I try to stop only to explode in laughter more. I don’t know if it was harder for Master to accept this than the crying, but I know that I still have problems when I laugh. It just feels… out of place. I’m not mocking the scene at all, I swear. It just feels so darned painful that I have to let it out somehow.

So, being a masochist is my own personal definition of pain translation. I don’t have an ache for pain very often but when I do I’m pretty good at telling Master I need something. We’re open that way. Since Master has grown in his role we’ve been better at giving each other what we need at the right time.

I feed his sadistic desires and he fuels my masochism dreams.

The Top 30 Posts of 2009

A year ago I started a small blog project called Submissive Guide. I wanted it to be an organized place where I could voice my opinions about submission, help novices discover who they are and explore BDSM through the written word. Since that time it has grown to so much more, including an e-book, a newsletter and video posts.

To celebrate one year of excellent writing I wanted to showcase the top 30 posts of 2009. I’ve noted in the link if the author was a guest post. Please take a look at what has had the most views since starting out one year ago. You may have missed a few gems!

1. What is slave training?
2. Rituals that Work
3. 2 Weeks to Better Submissive Positions
4. Best Submissive Blogslist
5. The Difference Between Bottom, Masochist, Submissive and Slave
6. 7 Things You Can Do Today to Improve Your Submission
7. Discovering Your Submissive Nature
8. How to Beg When Asked
9. Mapping Out Your Ideal Submission
10. A Great Example of a Slave’s Rosary
11. Learning To Kneel (from 2 Weeks to Better Submissive Positions)
12. The Importance of Rules
13. Beginning Your Training Resume
14. Dominance as a Slave Training Tool for Better Submission
15. Caring For Yourself After a Scene: Self-Aftercare
16. The BDSM Checklist That Will Really Help You
17. Offering Your Body for Service (from 2 Weeks to Better Submissive Positions)
18. What it Means to be an Owned Kajira by dina
19. The Nitty Gritty of the BDSM Lifestyle
20. 5 Ways to Recognize Topping from the Bottom
21. Another 7 Things You Can Do Today to Improve Your Submission
22. Your Bathing Regime
23. Where to Buy a Collar Online
24. The Importance of Journaling Your Submission
25. Pet Play and Human Pets Primer by skylerpet
26. The Realities of Online Submission
27. Two Dominants by Aria
28. Submission By Choice: Learned Submission
29. Sub Drop’s Emotional Side
30. 10 Helpful Websites for the Busy Submissive

Here’s to another year of great content!

Submissive and Slave: A Personal View

This post was written by Rayne. You can follow her twitter for active and interesting conversation.

I’m pretty big on book definitions. So for me, the word “submissive” has always been an adjective describing a personality trait. When I got involved in BDSM, it became, for me, a heading, of sorts, describing a group of people.

Under the heading of submissive, there are three main labels I – and others – use to describe the bottom half of the totem pole in BDSM relationships. Generally speaking, each label delineates a level of submission. How much control the person has given to their dominant. Because there is no set standard (How could there be?) of how much or how little submission one must give to be considered submissive, we instead give the different levels of submission names to aid in communication. A way of getting an idea of how much or how little control the submissive is willing to give up without having to get to know them.

In the grand scheme of things, one is not better than the other, except for the person in question. They’re just different.

Generally speaking, we call someone who is only submissive in the bedroom or at play parties and such a bottom. They are not interested in giving up total control. They enjoy being dominated sexually – or sometimes just being bound and hurt without involving sex at all – but really have no interest in being controlled on a regular basis. This group of submissive people leaves their submission at the door of their play space.

A lot of people start out here. Being the bottom of a scene is often a gateway. A place where people discover deeper, more submissive desires. I was a bottom before I was a sub and sub before slave. A lot of submissive people I know followed that progression. Not everyone, though.

People occasionally shorten “submissive” when specifically discussing this next group to avoid confusion. It’s a running joke, in the community, that a “sub” is a sandwich, and you’ll occasionally hear people talking about wanting roast beef and provolone on theirs. But since the first day M dragged me onto IRC, using “sub” has been my way of making it clear I am talking about this particular level of submission and not submissive people as a whole.

So what’s a sub? That’s where it gets tricky. Because the line between sub and slave is rather fine and blurs a lot. People often use “submissive” and “slave” interchangeably. But they are not the same thing.

A sub is someone who still retains some control, but is in service to someone else. They have the right to say no and walk away at any time. They have a safe word. They have limits. They’re not owned.

An article I read recently described it best when it said “A submissive is a volunteer. A slave is not.”

A slave is owned. That’s probably the only constant. Some slaves have safe words. Some do not. Some slaves have negotiated limits. Some do not. Some slaves have submissive personalities. Some are only submissive with the one who owns them. Some slaves have given up their right to leave, or consented to having it taken from them. Some retain the right to walk out the door whenever they choose.

Legally, we all have that right. Some of us just choose not to acknowledge it.

In my perfect world, a slave is someone without limits or safe words. A slave is someone who opens himself or herself completely to his or her owner. Complete transparency. Total power exchange. He or she doesn’t have a choice.

But in my reality, it’s illegal to own another human being. Some states don’t recognize consent. In the interest of keeping the owner out of prison, the submissive is allowed to negotiate the rules. Even I can’t or don’t always live up to my perfect world. So it doesn’t surprise me that others don’t, can’t or aren’t interested.

Some say the difference between a submissive and a slave has nothing whatever to do with how much control one gives up or how submissive one is. That it’s in one’s actions. In the way the slave obeys without question or hesitation. In the respect in the slave’s voice when he or she speaks with his or her owner. In the way the slave knows what the owner needs almost before the owner does. But I’ve known some submissives to show their dominants more respect than some slaves show their owners.

A submissive is someone who submits willingly, sometimes on a case by case basis, to the will of another. A slave is someone who is wholly controlled and owned by another. That’s really the sum of it.

Rayne is a loving slave with sadistic tendencies and masochistic desires. Chaos incarnate. The girl your mother warned you about.  She writes toy reviews and blogs about being a 24/7 medium protocol slave to her husband Melen at Insatiable Desire (http://www.insatiabledesire.com/), along with four other bloggers involved in the lifestyle.  She also guest write a series that is a basic look at M/s at Eden Cafe (http://www.edencafe.com/) with a number of other authors who write about various sex-positive subjects.

photo by BL1961

The Many Layers of Sub Space

This week’s video post is about sub space.

When you first heard about sub space it was probably something that you either thought you’d never experience or something that seemed so strange and foreign that you believed it to be a myth. Then you heard the stories and could swear that people were on drugs or something. I’ve even heard it referred to as impossible to attain unless you play really hard.

Whatever  information you encounter there is only one truth. You can reach sub space and if you have any experience at all, then you probably have and just don’t know what it was called. So let’s start small.

Have you ever felt a light-headed, almost floaty feeling in the presence of your Dominant? During play have you ever reached a place that feels like pure happiness and submission, where you know you’d do anything? This is likely subspace.

Now I can’t say for sure that it was or is, because I’m not an expert in seeing euphoria in other people, but trust me. You can reach the elusive sub space. Everyone has their own definition of what subspace is, and how to get there. Since there is such a huge variety of what it is and ways to get there, you can be sure that you can find your way.

During Play

Relax into the sensations. Allow your body to receive the pain or pleasure without any additional response or thoughts on it. Calm your mind. It has been understood that to feel the endorphins take hold you have to open yourself up to them. Let the pain wash over you, or the pleasure fill you overflowing.

Masochists tend to reach sub space a bit easier because they are already intense sensation junkies (you know who you are). Don’t think that you have to be a masochist at all to reach sub space! The sense of euphoria can happen at any time.

Outside of Play

You can also experience sub space outside of play. It’s commonly  felt like a sense of complete devotion and service, or slave happiness. When you focus on service and your submission you can reach a sense of pure and primal connection to your Dominant. This connection, this intense focus is sub space. You may appear to have tunnel vision; your Dominant is the only think you are centering your attention on and time seems to fade away. I’ve lost many hours this way. In complete service bliss.

My own experience with something as a teenager comes to mind. I was raised Pentecostal. Part of that is going to revivals, stirring up the emotions in hope that the holy spirit would bless you with ‘tongues’ or other holy fire. During my teen years I went to many revivals. At several of these I felt called to the front for prayer and rejoicing. The whole atmosphere is set up to make you feel like something special is going to happen. That happy sense of intimate connection with God and prayer is quite similar to the way I feel during sub space outside of play. My Master is my higher power and his love and devotion often brings me to tears and all choked up in my submission. It’s like that tremendous feeling at the revivals. I feel completely connected to him in a powerful way.

How you experience sub space is completely individual. Just like all of the descriptions you’ve heard you can add yours to the mix. It is a personal connection to your Dominant. It can be very intense or it can leave you feeling like you are glowing with happiness. In any way that you experience it, revel in it.

Chat Night Transcript From BDSM and Sex Talk – 8/25/09

Our first chat was a great success. Everyone gave permission to post the transcript and continue the conversation here. I loved every minute of interesting conversation. Read and enjoy!

<~luna[KM]> Alright, let’s get started. If you haven’t figured out, I’m luna. I started the site in January after I got tired of not finding what I wanted in all the sites online. I didn’t need the how to’s, but the whys.
<~luna[KM]> My goal with these chat nights is to share knowledge and information with each other to develop and grow in our submission.
<~luna[KM]> Tonight we are going to talk about BDSM and sex; if they are integral to our sexuality or if they can be separated as well as the whole perception in the community.
<~luna[KM]> In the reading for today we saw some people’s opinions as to whether sex and BDSM were separate things. What do you feel is the right way to explain it for yourself?
<hisowned1> it seemed to me that the gist of the articles–taken as a whole–was that sex is integral to a bdsm relationship….however, most bdsm relationships contain many other dimensions in addition to the sexual
<~luna[KM]> For me, in the beginning sex and BDSM were not the same, I was exploring and playing outside of a committed relationship, casually and did not want sex to be a part of it. I wanted the sensation and not the sexuality of it.
<~luna[KM]> Now that I’m in a relationship, I can not separate the two. BDSM is my sex and so much more.
<pet> i would have to agree with you luna
<hisowned1> most of our relationships probably involve the spiritual, psychological, emotional realms (should i include practical also?), in addition to sexual.  well, as luna has pointed out in some of her articles, there may be differences between solely online relationships and in-person relationships…
<~luna[KM]> Laura Goodwin (the first essay) said that it was absurd to think that sex and BDSM are separate things, that the whole reason we invite BDSM into our lives is for the sex. Now, most of what she is referring is the tactile play aspects of BDSM, but do you agree?
<~luna[KM]> Is BDSM sexual?
<pet> to me its one of many things
<~luna[KM]> You bring up a good point hisowned1. Can you really have a sexual experience online and consider it a BDSM sexual act?
<~luna[KM]> The critics will say that no, you can’t have a BDSM sex act online – that it’s just masochistic fantasy and masturbation.
<hisowned1> i think pet has something to contribute here.  pet, what are the ‘many things’ you refer to?
<hisowned1> …if i may ask…
<pet> would say for myself personally,  the service, the emotional aspect is also important to me
<hisowned1> yes, me too
<~luna[KM]> pet, do you feel that there is too much focus on the sexuality of BDSM when people talk about BDSM?
<pet> sometimes yes
<pet> to me personally there is so much to our lifestyle
<~luna[KM]> There are a lot of levels to the lifestyle, I would like to focus tonight on the physical act of play and it’s association with sex.
<~luna[KM]> When I talk with others that may not be as familiar with BDSM as they can be, I always get the perception that they think BDSM is just kinky sex.
<~luna[KM]> But when we as lifestyle and active participants get together, I see more of a separation between play and sex
<asweetpea123> at this point in my relationship with my Master all aspects interact at different levels.  Depending on the situation will depend on how deeply they react to the different aspects from sex to emotion etc
<~luna[KM]> So, can you play without sexual contact?
<pet> right, by what i have read, some definitely separate play and sex.
<~luna[KM]> sexual contact being genital touching
<radiogirl2009> oh of course
<radiogirl2009> I think so
<pet> i think so
<pet> also
<asweetpea123> yes
<radiogirl2009> my Master can play with me because he lives in my head
<radiogirl2009> my submission is in me
<~luna[KM]> Ok, so if the sensation receptors in your brain say that you are turned on, is it still sex or somehow it’s play?
<~luna[KM]> And if it is different, how do you discern the difference?
<asweetpea123> Wow
<asweetpea123> when you put it that way.
<hisowned1> how are we defining what ‘play’ means?
<radiogirl2009> okay, for me……… sex means a lot of different things
<radiogirl2009> and even though we have sex (phone sex, webcam sex) its in my mind
<~luna[KM]> play would be a set moment in time where two or more people are scening for the intent to experience sensations. This can be impact play, bondage or other forms of non-contact play.
<radiogirl2009> play……… is.. teasing
<asweetpea123> Ok my Master and I can have sex…touching in whatever way…but we can have no contact or “play” time from as far away as a phone or email where direction are given and yet I still feel the intensity as if it were physical.  He still controls me even far away
<radiogirl2009> oh yes
<~luna[KM]> If BDSM is considered part of the sexual arena, why is it not included in more vanilla ideas of sex?
<asweetpea123> ?
<~luna[KM]> If we go on the assumption the BDSM and sex are not separate, why don’t we see more mainstream sexual encounters echo what we do?
<asweetpea123> People are afraid of stereotype…beating abuse dominance have a very negative opinion in the world
<asweetpea123> It is lack of knowledge that keep people from understanding the deep strong positive connection
<pet> yes it does im afraid.  though i do have a friend who is very understanding and supportive.
<asweetpea123> media puts those words in prison/court/negative from an abusive husband/spouse and people stop looking farther…past the end of their nose
<~luna[KM]> So, can we say that BDSM is sensual more than sexual? Since we can have sex without BDSM and have discussed earlier that people can have BDSM without sex?
<~luna[KM]> It is unfortunate that the media has trouble accepting us, but the media is still working through homosexual acceptance, I fear that kink acceptance is further down the list.
<asweetpea123> BDSM is sensual for me.  Very much so.  to be so deeply controlled by someone who wants so desperately to control me…is sensual and loving..
<pet> i feel it is very sensual,  because of the close connection between Dom and sub.
<asweetpea123> I would agree…media has come a long way but they have a long way to go
<~luna[KM]> how about you radiogirl2009? is what you’ve experienced more sensual or sexual?
<pet> yes they do.
<asweetpea123> The Master watches out for you…when he decides on something he has already through for you…he knows you better than you do…how is that for sensual..
* ~luna[KM] smiles. It’s a good analogy asweetpea123
<pet> yes Sir reads me like a book.  sometimes i think he knows me better than i know myself sometimes
<radiogirl2009> well it greatly depends on my perception I guess
<radiogirl2009> Playing (not actually touching)  for me is mainly mental…. and that is extremely sensual
<radiogirl2009> however, when he gets the flogger out…… its pure SEXUAL
<asweetpea123> again it is a mental sensation…even in flogging…anyone can hit you…but a Master who incites this is thinking of you when he does the flogging or allows the flogging to take place…that becomes sensual
<asweetpea123> It is no different than the circle of life or ebb and flow.  one creates the other…without one the other is nto
<asweetpea123> not
<~luna[KM]> Great points all of them.
<~luna[KM]> You can mix sensual and sexual into BDSM, like a cocktail.
<hisowned1> asweetpea, that was beautifully put above—your post about the circle of life and ebb and flow.  lovely.  and true
<asweetpea123> Thank you hisowned1
<~luna[KM]> Now, I’ve been to a few parties and one party I’ve been too, doesn’t allow penetration of any kind. Others do, how does that change the way we could view sex and BDSM?
<asweetpea123> I feel that again if no penetration is allowed that does not matter.  The Master controls the Sensual/Sexual intensity of the situation…
<~luna[KM]> For Master and myself, we prefer to keep our sex private, but we are okay sharing the SM play at parties.
<asweetpea123> your sexual satisfaction is directed by Master no surroundings
<~luna[KM]> It makes for a rather interesting argument when we say that BDSM and sex are the same thing and yet we can fracture it like that for play parties.
<asweetpea123> His Sexual Satisfaction is directed by him
<asweetpea123> LOL yes it does…but a duck is a duck
<pet> i would feel the same way, i would much prefer to keep our sex private

photo by Dano

My Submission is Better Than Your Submission

Competition is human nature. From the time we are children we start to see who is ‘better’ and hopefully that is you. It could be as simple as having more ice cream than your sibling thus making you better or getting the best grade on a test, making you better than everyone else in the class. We have all compared ourselves with others; sometimes we ‘win’ sometimes we ‘lose’. It is when we voice these opinions outloud that we might not realize the ramifications.

I’ve read recently on a forum where a submissive is explaining her life and how she struggles with one thing or another. Someone commented that they must not be submissive enough and that opened the gateway for competition. From people saying that they wouldn’t behave that way, or a good submissive would do this or that it’s all saying (even if it might not be true) that I’m better than you are because I know the answer. As if there were just one answer to begin with.

There is no such thing as not submissive enough.

Submissives are as different as snowflakes. Each is unique and beautiful. No one snowflake is the same as another. Telling someone that they aren’t submissive enough is just a means to belittle them and is not appropriate for any submissive to do. What I try to convey on Submissive Guide is that there is an appropriate way to act and behave. That is with common courtesy and manners. How would you feel if you were told that you weren’t skinny enough or sexy enough or feminine/masculine enough?

Unless you are willing to put yourself up on the box to have your submission picked apart, keep it to yourself. It’s not doing anyone any good.

Your relationship isn’t better than theirs, just different.

Those of us lucky enough to live in our submission full time are not better than those who get to do it in bits and pieces. Submissives come from all walks of life and look for relationships to fill certain needs. It could be that they are looking for a full time D/s relationship and it could be that they aren’t. Telling someone that their relationship isn’t D/s enough or judging them based on how frequently they play is just childish and rude. Try not to compare your life with someone elses. In the end, you will fail to see the point of their discussion because you will be too busy finding the flaws in their relationship that don’t make it just like yours. Be thankful you are in a relationship.

When at a play party, don’t try to be super masochist; be yourself.

Play parties aren’t competitions. If you go to one and try to do more, experience more intense play than you have before with the sole purpose of doing it better than masosubbie, you will fail and probably hurt yourself in the process. You need to remember your limits and stay within those. No one is going to think less of you because you can’t handle the lexan cane at maximum strength or a bull whip to your breasts.  What you want to be remembered for is having fun and enjoying yourself. That’s easy to do when you remember what your body can handle.

Your submissive journey is not a race. Learn about yourself and be proud of yourself. There is no reason to compete with anyone else. Do you have any advice for those that want to compete or play the game of one-upmanship?

photo by HikingArtist

Why BDSM is Not D/s

This post is by Skylerpet. She’s written several other posts here for Submissive Guide. You can read more of her work on online submission and pet play here.

BDSM and D/s. Some see it as the same, I seem them as two very different things. Here, I plan on explaining the how’s and why’s of my position. I am not seeking to change anyone’s opinion, as you have a right to your own opinion, as I hope you will remember that I do also.

In my opinion BDSM and D/s, while they often go together, are two entirely separate things with a few similarities. This is my opinion for many reasons. When I recently voiced this opinion someone responded with the question: “Do you not see the D/s in BDSM as standing for Dominance and submission?” and in fact, for the most part, i do not. I see BDSM as generally standing for Bondage, Discipline and SadoMasochism. Yes, the D/s in BDSM can and sometimes does stand for Dominance and submission for those who incorporate all of those things in their relationship. However, i do not think it does all the time, as there are many who are involved only in BDSM or D/s.

The primary reason i see this is that i see BDSM being the physical aspects. Bondage, whipping, suspension, and things of that nature. D/s however is the emotional side. The act of emotionally and/or psychologically submitting or Dominating someone. I do not see BDSM and D/s automatically going together.

Submission is emotional and psychological. While many submissives do also enjoy the physical aspects, i do not believe that the physical act of bondage and discipline is required for submission.. I see this in my relationship right now. My relationship is long distance. I am incredibly submissive to my Master, however I have received no whippings or canings from Him, however W/we both do enjoy it, and as such it will be a part of our relationship when W/we are together.

• BDSM is not only hardcore bondage, whippings, canings and scenes. BDSM also includes kinky couples who like some spankings and light bondage in bed. With the exceptions of those things, many of those couples are not D/s. They have no Dominance and submission in their relationship, thus the BDSM and D/s are separate.
• There are also those who are pure masochists or sadists. They enjoy the purely physical act of tying up or being tied and getting beat or doing the beatings. For them, it is the physical act that draws them.
• Also, there are those who are in Dominance and submission relationships that is solely based upon service and consensual slavery. There are many D/s couples out there who have no BDSM in their relationship at all. Just as not all submissives are masochists, not all Dominants are sadists.

If one were to look on informational websites, in glossaries and encyclopedias and such, the definitions and descriptions given of BDSM and D/s also show this difference. Wikipedia specifically states that “Physical contact is not a necessity and it can even be conducted anonymously over the telephone, email or instant messaging system. In other cases it can be intensely physical…” As Wikipedia states, BDSM and D/s can be both separate and conjoined. Also, the glossary at Domsub Info defines the two as separate items with can be separate or conjoined.

Said quite plainly, in my opinion, just because someone goes to a dungeon to get whipped does not automatically make them a consensual slave or submissive. It simply means that they enjoy being whipped. Similarly, just because someone enjoys delivering the whipping does not automatically make them a Dominant. As such, BDSM and D/s are separate things and do not have to go together. They can be enjoyed together or separately. None of the combinations are better or more “real” than another.

A few last words:

• Being submissive or a masochist does not mean you have to be the other.
• Being a sadist or Dominant does not mean you have to be the other.
• Not being one or the other, or being both or perhaps all four does not make you worse or better than the other. It simply makes you you and unique.

Skylerpet is a 24/7 submissive pup in her late 20’s. She has been into pet play since she discovered the D/s lifestyle and can be reached at: requiemskye@yahoo.com for emails and also YIM chat.

What’s the Difference Between a Lifestyler and a Player?

This week’s video is about definitions of a lifestyler and a player.

I received the following question via email the other day and thought I would cover it here in a video post.

I’m in a D/s relationship where we tend to do most of our activities behind closed doors. Outside we are a normal equal couple. Someone called me a player the other day in response to my description of who I am and I was confused. I thought I was a lifstyler. What is the difference between a lifestyler and a player?

There are all sorts of labels that people can wear in this lifestyle. Many of these have definitions that fluctuate and change depending on the situation. These are submissive, slave, real, true, Dominant, Master, and the list goes on. No one can agree on what these labels mean for the community.

This is also case for the terms Lifestyler and Player. Let’s cover the definitions first.

• A player is someone who is a BDSM practitioner. This means they participate in the activities that make up the acronym. They could be rope bondage enthusiasts, sadists and masochists. They could be sensual players or people who just like kinky sex. I personally prefer the term practitioner, but I hear player an awful lot in the online and real groups I frequent. This term also lends itself to those who pretend or seduce others as well. We won’t be covering that area today.
• A lifestyler is someone who participates in the D/s aspect outside the bedroom/dungeon as well as may be a proficient BDSM practitioner as well. Just as people may choose to live a green lifestyle or a poly lifestyle the BDSM lifestyler makes the parts of BDSM and D/s that enrich their lives a part of their everyday in some capacity.

A player is just as qualified to converse about things related to BDSM as a lifestyler. The distinction is based solely on the relationship dynamic status and depth of lifestyle change.

The two definitions are no more or less qualified to be a part of BDSM. As skylerpet will discuss later this month, the two areas can be separate or conjoined. In this aspect I feel that they are joined by a common purpose but separate in action and perception.

Why are the two so hotly debated as to who is real and who is not leads me to my next point. Just as we will never agree what the difference is between a submissive and a slave we can not agree with who is a lifestyler and who is a BDSM practitioner. Sometimes they are the same, other times they are not. I’d like to reach out to you and ask you why do these terms have to be so different and why can’t we agree to have an open mind about someone else?

The reality of who we are as individuals is the terms and definitions we apply to ourselves, not the labels other people give us. That’s why I try to always express what my opinion is in an open minded way. I can’t judge or object to anyone else’s labels based purely on what I think they mean. They need to be based on what that person thinks they mean.

So if I say that I’m a lifestyler it means to me that I practice some form of BDSM and D/s in my everyday life. For others it could mean that they are a Gorean Lifestyle practitioner. Players have a wider variety of definitions and none of them seem to be the same, but they have meaning for those that use them to define what it is they do.

In conclusion, no matter what term is used, we should remain aware that for every person there is a different definition and the difference between them is dependent on those definitions agreeing. You may be a player, you may be a lifestyler but what’s important is how you define those words and yourself.

Can I Be Abused in a BDSM Relationship?

This week’s video post is about BDSM vs. Abuse.

A BDSM relationship, especially one with sadomasochistic moments, is subject to questions all the time about it’s proximity to abuse. It is not uncommon to have people unfamiliar with BDSM to say that what we do is abuse and violence; we see it all the time portrayed incorrectly in the media. Others associate criminal sadists with the BDSM scene, again something we have to struggle against.

A healthy BDSM relationship is one where people exchange power, sensations or experiences in a consensual, mutually fullfilling way. These exchanges increase self-esteem and all parties are are actively invested in the well-being of their partners and themselves.

The core of BDSM is consent. No one will disagree with this. We are all aware, hopefully, that abuse is not consensual. If you feel that what is going on is ‘not right’ then you certainly should investigate if it is abuse or not. Some of what you may feel could not be abuse at all, but it’s good to know for sure. The harm associated with abuse can be physical, emotional, mental, sexual, social or economic.  Here are some thoughts on whether the BDSM relationship you are in might be abusive from The National Leather Association-International Domestic Violence Project.

• Abuser may coerce or force a victim into agreements without their full informed consent, especially long-term contracts with newcomers.
• Abuser may manipulate a victim into financial or emotional dependence without taking precautions should conflict occur or the need to leave arise.
• Abuser may exert non-consensual control, dominance or abuse of a partners children or make demands that go against maternal or paternal responsibilities. (I.E. Restricting access to children as punishment.)
• Abuser may use threats of abandonment or loss of current5 contract if new demands are not met.
• Abuser may force victim to do things alone, together or with others in ways that violate or compromise previous negotiations.
• Abuser may use name calling, mind games, denial of human necessities like food, water, shelter as needed, health care and so forth, especially in ways that reduce a victim’s self-esteem.
• Abuser may threaten to expose victim or your lifestyle to ‘vanilla’ co-workers, family members, or children.
• Abuser may initiate inappropriate or harmful punishments or withhold appreciation or affection as punishment.
• Abuser may deny a behavior is abusive and/or may minimize abuse. The abuser may also accuse you of making abuse up, not being submissive/Dominant enough, and so forth.

Trust your instincts. If you feel in danger, make a plan to get out.

You might also be interested in

Simply Service Newsletter from November 2005

Included in this edition:

• My Journey by slavedebbie
• Community Unity by Master Kalan
• Declutter 101 by Tante Jen
• Metamorphosis by slave a
• Naturally Polyamourous by Mistress Pamela
• Essay by E Missy Hall
• Intimate Partner Abuse in the BDSM Lifestyle by sequi

Maintenance Spankings; Why Do It?

This week’s video post is about maintenance spankings.

Maintenance spankings are a way to keep the relationship fresh, revive the roles on a regular basis and to not let life away from the dynamic interfere with what your relationship goals are. A maintenance spanking can be anything from a scheduled night of the week where a short and sweet spanking takes place, to a more drawn out session of power and control. Either way their purpose is to maintain the dynamic.

Not everyone does this. My Master and I don’t. It’s not needed. That may be because we have an ideal situation: no kids, no outside jobs. Just us 24/7 living how we want to live. People who aren’t as lucky, and that’s the majority of you, could use maintenance spankings to keep the D/s alive when you feel it may fade into bills, running the kids to sports practice and work.

A maintenance spanking works something like a scheduled meeting. On whatever day you have set for your maintenance spanking you meet, talk about your week in terms of your role and confess any backsliding you are aware of. These things are taken into account with how the spanking will play out because the point is to keep you focused on your submission. Be honest with your partner. Even if you aren’t masochist you can benefit from these spankings.

The spanking is dictated by the Dominant to be whatever they want it to be. It could be sensual, it could be rough. It may or may not end with sex. These are variables that make each relationship unique. I personally prefer spankings that end in orgasms for both of us, but that may not be what works for you.

The important part of a maintenance spanking is that it’s scheduled and you do not reschedule. This is for the health of your relationship dynamic. Having something to look forward to each week or so is revitalizing and can help keep you focused where you need to be during difficult times. It can also bring more intimacy into your life. These moments are about just the two of you connecting. The power of touch, even in a swat is well worth it.

Also using maintenance spankings can and do decrease the need for punishment spankings. When you receive maintenance spankings then it is more likely that your behavior and attitude will stay positive and you will be less likely to be disobedient. Once you are obedient more often then maintenance spankings can and should be reduced.

What are your thoughts on maintenance spankings? Do you receive these? How frequently?

Excellent articles about Maintenance Spankings

Cease Resistance – This is all about different types of spankings, Maintenance spankings are half way down the page. Written in the DD or HOH line of thought.

Loving Domestic Discipline – Again written in the DD thread, but wonderfully written article.

Do I have to Like Pain to be Submissive?

This week’s video post is about masochism and submission.

I mentioned this in the post about myths that submissive’s aren’t always masochist. I thought this topic deserved a more in depth discussion.

I’m a masochist. I get sexual pleasure from pain. That’s wired into me. I’m also submissive. It’s who I am. For me, these two things go together.

It’s not always the case. I read about submissives forcing themselves into play with Dominants because they think it comes with the role of submissive. They don’t understand that they are separate entities. Now, submitting to pain to please the Dominant is different and can bring your further into your submission the more you take from your Dominant, but it’s not required and should never be forced.

This has nothing to do with punishment. No one likes to be punished but sometimes it’s a necessary evil. This is about pleasure, pure and simple.

If you are a submissive, or learning about submission and don’t like pain or don’t think you like pain then that doesn’t mean you aren’t submissive. It just means you aren’t masochist. There are so many roads to submission that going down that one is not required. You could like service, or domestics, or even animal play. There are endless possibilities.

If you have questions about masochism please email me at subguide@gmail.com. I would be happy to answer them for you.

All Female Submissives are Bisexual and Other BDSM Myths

The world is full of false truths. These false truths tend to be the assumptions of the uninformed or the beliefs of those who want to scare novices out of their wits. Many of these are because of a narrow view of the world or an inability to accept varying viewpoints. In this post I’m going to discuss some of the most popular BDSM myths that novices here and what the truth really is.

What is a myth? A myth is a traditional story accepted as history or truth and serves to explain the world view of a people. In this case the people are BDSM practitioners. We all like to tell tales and share advice, but what if that advice has a false truth in it? Are you willing to pass on possible false information or do you want to get all the facts first before saying anything.

All Female Submissives are Bisexual

A common belief is that all submissives, and especially females are bisexual or forced into bisexuality because of the Dominant’s wishes. The truth is that respectful Dominants will comply with your sexual orientation and if it does not include being bisexual, then there should be no forced suggestion either.

All Dominants Want More Than One Submissive

Dominants are human too, and looking for a long term relationship is hard enough, let alone two or more.  There is a large percentage of Dominants that are fine with one submissive and never seek to expand their life. There are, however, people interested in polyamory and having more than one love is normal and accepted to them. You do not have to be in a polyamorous relationship if you do not want to. This is part of your wiring and either you like it or you don’t. There are also online Dominants that will have several online submissives, leading them to believe they are the one and only. These people are predators.

All Submissives are Masochists and All Masochists are Submissives

A huge misunderstanding is that you have to like pain to be submissive. Masochism is a part of your sexual identity; you either have it or you don’t. No one can make you like pain, but you can learn to accept pain for you Dominant if that is your wish. Doing so does not make you a masochist. Masochists come in all forms, the majority are submissive, however I know several Dominants that like pain as well, and instruct their submissive to give them pain during play. Switches are known to like both, but that isn’t always the case.

Slaves Are Better Submissives or Slaves Have a Deeper Submission

No group of people is better than another and no individual can be compared to another equally. We are all unique in our submission and no matter what label we choose for ourselves we can live to be the best we can be for ourselves and our Dominants. Slaves are another form of submission but that doesn’t mean they are better. I believe that all slaves are submissive but not all submissives can be slaves. It’s not a deeper submission, just a different path.

Myths are everywhere in the BDSM lifestyle. These are but a few of the most common ones. What myths can you think of?

I’m sure there will be more installments to this post as more myths come in. If you’d like to send me your common myth ideas, please do so by the contact page at the top.

The Differences Between Bottom, Masochist, Submissive and Slave

As a point of personal opinion I’d like to define the differences between very basic terms so that there is no confusion as to who I am referring to when I mention either of these terms. I write this guide in my perspective and provide my mentorship and guidance with these terms clearly defined for me. I welcome varying viewpoints in the comments so please feel free to disagree civilly and provide your own view.

There are several other names that can be ‘classed’ for the submissive role in a relationship. The ones I’m covering here are the basics. I am well aware of toys, pets, sluts, servants and many many other names. Please do not feel that I am not leaving you out, but for the sake of clarity and simplicity I am covering only Bottom, Masochist, Submissive and Slave.

Bottom

A bottom is the lower role within a play session. Generally the person does not submit outside of the agreed upon time that both parties are enjoying the physical aspects of play. Bottoms have more control over what happens in the scene than other submissive types.

Masochist

A masochist is someone who likes to receive pain for pleasure. They can be the bottom in a scene but the reason I gave it a separate designation is that there are Dominant roles that are also masochist.

Submissive

A submissive is someone that submits in a relationship either part of full-time. This can involve only in the bedroom play all the way to live-in service. A submissive generally submits only to those they are in a D/s relationship with and are respectful of others outside of it. A submissive has roles and rules and structure to guide their interactions with their Dominant and with others. Most of the time they still hold a veto card called the safeword.

Slave

A slave is a separate form of submissive. They hold no limits other than what their Masters give them. They can not refuse service to their Dominant. The argument has been going on since the beginning of time about the real differences and so I’d like to set up right here what I believe so that you can understand where I am coming from when discussions happen on this site. A slave is on a deeper more intense level of service than any submissive could work up to. If someone says they were submissive and became a slave, it is because they were always a slave and are now finally identifying as that. Becoming a slave is re-identifying yourself, not just a progression but an intensification of submission.

Feel free to share your thoughts in the comments! What name to do you rest well under?

photo credit honeyjew

The Meaning Behind Service and Serving

When someone becomes a submissive for the first time and finds a dominant the first words I generally hear them say is that they like being of service or they like serving. When asked what it is about service that they enjoy it tends to boil down to sex and play. There is far more to service than the play, and believe me, there are submissives that don’t even play but find fulfillment in service.

Service is any activity or function that you fill to make your dominant partner’s life easier. This could be as simple as preparing their coffee, laying out their clothes for them or performing domestic chores. Yes, it does include the play and sex aspects of some relationships, but not all of them are wired this way.

Take for example a domestic submissive. What calls them to serve is completely different than a service submissive (more on this term later). Each of them gains happiness and fulfillment out of the services they provide their dominant partner, but the service they provide can be very different. Many times a domestic submissive will have minimal or no sexual interaction with their owner. I’ve even been propositioned by a few male domestics that all they want to do is come and clean my house. It’s the pleasure of cleaning for someone that they want to enjoy.

So, what does it mean to be of service to your dominant? Does it mean you will be doing the chores around the house, caring for family or pets, perhaps paying the bills and running errands? Could it mean you are a personal assistant and keep your partner in check, organized and prepared for everything the day may throw at them? Or are you the sex object that fills every fantasy and whim without a moment’s hesitation? All of these things are service. Some other things that can service items can include:

• cooking
• cleaning
• grooming
• health
• personal trainer
• pet care
• home repair
• car repair
• organization
• event planning
• child care
• chauffeur
• scheduling
• secretarial
• intellectual conversationalist

Discover Your Purpose in Service

Finding your meaning in service isn’t always easy. You have to start with what you want and need out of a relationship. I’ve written a whole series about Wants and Needs that you can refer to if you need help figuring these things out. Once you’ve identified what you need, you can develop the services around it that will feed your needs. If you require structure, you could develop a Home Control Journal. If you like to be a hostess and use anticipatory service you could have a Butler’s Book. Perhaps you would like to develop your sexual service skills or your personal assistant skills and learn how to properly bathe and clothe someone. The possibilities are endless.

Service Submissives

There is a type of submissive that seeks only to serve. In this passion there is happiness and joy to be asked to do even menial tasks. They may derive pleasure from things other than sexual connection or play. Service Submissives can become domestics, personal assistants, chauffeurs, and handmaids.

What makes this type of submissive so special is their ability to adapt to whatever service their partner requires of them with little adjustment period. Service Submissives can bring pleasure to their dominant with little effort. It is my opinion that service submissives are rare and unique people. Not everyone can be a service submissive, but if you are one, you are worth your weight in gold and then some. All other submissives most likely look up to you for your ability to serve so smoothly.

Here are some of my ideas of what a service submissive might be.

• Personal secretary; taking calls, answering the door, responding to emails, scheduling and coffee fetching.
• Body servant; bathing, shaving, grooming and overall health care of the dominant.
• Escort; social elitist with the ability to bring attention to your owner, chat about all sorts of world topics and look beautiful on their arm.
• Service Top; when an owner is a masochist it may be requested that the submissive learn play activities to service the top.

Do you have any other ideas of what a service submissive can be? Share them in the comments!

Now that you have a better understanding of what service is, how can you use your talents to create your service resume? What services do you provide your owner? What services would they like you to learn or enhance?

Discovering Your Submissive Nature

Discovering your submissive nature isn’t always a sudden process. For many people it takes some soul searching to see that you may enjoy being a people-pleaser or that when someone asks you to do something you happily do it without a second thought. For others it takes some social reprogramming to allow your full nature to come out.

There are two identified forms of submission; natural and learned. Of these two it is more common to be a learned submissive. Natural submission is not just about always wanting to make someone happy, but the inner joy and peace that comes automatically without any training. For those submissives that have it naturally, serving a dominant becomes second nature quite easily.

Learned submission takes a lot more effort but is just as rewarding. It may begin with a small pang of happiness when you have done something that makes your dominant happy. As you continue to achieve that praise your mind begins to rewrite the social coding for serving. Once your behaviors have been changed by either training or self-taught behavior modification you can not tell a natural submissive apart from a learned submissive. The joy in serving is equal.

When Do You Learn

Learning you are submissive for most people is an acceptance of themselves. Societal behaviors have taught us from a young age that we should help ourselves first, and that helping others in a form of service is actually lower class. The natural progression for a person to realize they are submissive is that perhaps you have always enjoyed doing things for others without a return. The return was actually the feeling of fulfillment of your purpose. This likely didn’t have the term submissive attached to it until you were introduced to the lifestyle.

Since I am a learned submissive it actually took quite a while for me to see in myself that I had an inner peace when I helped others, or when I served my Owner. For many like me, it’s a slow learning process that only you can oversee. No one can make you submissive. It will be a struggle within yourself to break down barriers and relearn traits that you thought were not a part of you.

You can’t have anyone else tell you who you are. You have to take the time to discover it yourself. You can do that by reading more about submission, talking to elder, more experienced submissives or going through a self-training program like Miss Abernathy’s Concise Slave Training Manual, now in an Omnibus called Erotic Slavehood: A Miss Abernathy Omnibus. Once you discover your nature, you can develop it and cause it to flourish and grow.

Submissive Blossoming

Once you discover that you are submissive it is almost overwhelming what you can do with it. Being submissive is not limiting, but freeing. Now you can take your talents and help and serve others with it. Identifying your talents and strengths is just the first step. You then can study and improve yourself with items that focus your submission more so your partner will better benefit from your service.

Are you good at organization? Maybe cooking and baking makes you happy? What about personal safety or escort service? The activities you enjoy can now be a part of your service to a potential owner. Take a course to enhance your knowledge or buy some study manuals. Learning is never frowned upon in a submissive.

What about things you want to learn? Make a short list now of all the things you’d love to learn. Make a mark next to them if they would be considered a help to someone else. This could be massage, event planning, machinery, home repair, crafts, writing and beauty care to name a few. Anything can be a talent to bring to your service. The more services you know and hone to your best ability the more valuable you become to your Owner.

Bring Pride to Your Submission

Developing your personal pride in your submission provides a glow of happiness to your role, your heart and your relationship. Humbly allowing your joy in serving to radiate around you increases your personal worth and can cheer others. The passion for service is something rarely cultured enough to be of value in this materialistic, hurried world. Allow your fulfillment to drive you to do good for not only yourself, but others.

Your submissive nature is unique. No one submits in exactly the same way and it is impossible to really define submission in a general manner because of this. A habit of mine, and will continue though this site is that a submissive is one who serves, in any capacity desired. Slaves are also considered submissives with this definition. While it is discussed in many many places that slaves and submissives are separate, for the sake of discussion here I’d like to join the idea of service to both roles.

Allow you submissive nature to mold you and bring you happiness. It is the driving force in life.