My Submission is Better Than Your Submission

Competition is human nature. From the time we are children we start to see who is ‘better’ and hopefully that is you. It could be as simple as having more ice cream than your sibling thus making you better or getting the best grade on a test, making you better than everyone else in the class. We have all compared ourselves with others; sometimes we ‘win’ sometimes we ‘lose’. It is when we voice these opinions outloud that we might not realize the ramifications.

I’ve read recently on a forum where a submissive is explaining her life and how she struggles with one thing or another. Someone commented that they must not be submissive enough and that opened the gateway for competition. From people saying that they wouldn’t behave that way, or a good submissive would do this or that it’s all saying (even if it might not be true) that I’m better than you are because I know the answer. As if there were just one answer to begin with.

There is no such thing as not submissive enough.

Submissives are as different as snowflakes. Each is unique and beautiful. No one snowflake is the same as another. Telling someone that they aren’t submissive enough is just a means to belittle them and is not appropriate for any submissive to do. What I try to convey on Submissive Guide is that there is an appropriate way to act and behave. That is with common courtesy and manners. How would you feel if you were told that you weren’t skinny enough or sexy enough or feminine/masculine enough?

Unless you are willing to put yourself up on the box to have your submission picked apart, keep it to yourself. It’s not doing anyone any good.

Your relationship isn’t better than theirs, just different.

Those of us lucky enough to live in our submission full time are not better than those who get to do it in bits and pieces. Submissives come from all walks of life and look for relationships to fill certain needs. It could be that they are looking for a full time D/s relationship and it could be that they aren’t. Telling someone that their relationship isn’t D/s enough or judging them based on how frequently they play is just childish and rude. Try not to compare your life with someone elses. In the end, you will fail to see the point of their discussion because you will be too busy finding the flaws in their relationship that don’t make it just like yours. Be thankful you are in a relationship.

When at a play party, don’t try to be super masochist; be yourself.

Play parties aren’t competitions. If you go to one and try to do more, experience more intense play than you have before with the sole purpose of doing it better than masosubbie, you will fail and probably hurt yourself in the process. You need to remember your limits and stay within those. No one is going to think less of you because you can’t handle the lexan cane at maximum strength or a bull whip to your breasts.  What you want to be remembered for is having fun and enjoying yourself. That’s easy to do when you remember what your body can handle.

Your submissive journey is not a race. Learn about yourself and be proud of yourself. There is no reason to compete with anyone else. Do you have any advice for those that want to compete or play the game of one-upmanship?

photo by HikingArtist

Submissive PMS and How to Deal With It

This video post is about how to deal with a submissive bout of PMS.

It’s not your normal run of the mill PMS. You don’t have cramps or bloating or headaches or chills, but your mood is so out of whack that you are getting in trouble just by opening your mouth. You don’t know where your submissive filter went, all you know is that it’s gone and you’re going to be paying for it with every utterance. This is submissive PMS. I suffer from it often and it’s something I’ve learned a few things from to make it easier to get through. Let’s help you out.

What’s the Big Deal?

I’m pretty certain most of you haven’t heard this term before and that’s because I just made it up. You won’t find submissive PMS in any dictionary (urban, BDSM or otherwise), but if you have been submissive for more than a few minutes you know exactly how I’m going to describe it. It starts with the sudden urge to just tell your Dominant to ‘go get it yourself!’ It can lead to mouthing off, acting pissy when there is no real reason behind and when confronted you can’t explain why you are feeling that way in the first place.

Confront It Dead On

A lot of times it’s obvious that you are entering sub PMS and you can work to stop it before it gets your butt in their sling. The moment you notice the ‘get it yourselfs’ creeping into your head, ask to remove yourself from the room or their presence and go refocus. If this means reading or blogging or meditating then go do it. I tend to get my catharsis from blogging but each person is going to find a different way to refocus. If you can identify an underlying thought or problem that caused the PMS you will want to talk to your Dominant about it. Never harbor feelings from your Dominant, even if you think they are trivial. It will help them help you. Win win in any case.

Apologize

After you have refocused, apologize to your Dominant for your slip in behavior or manners. They may not have even noticed it, but that’s not the purpose. The purpose is to make a mental note for you that you have corrected the behavior and are ready to continue serving. An apology is quite beneficial for that.

Resolve

You can’t prevent submissive PMS, but you can resolve to keep it in check. Make it a task to notice it before anyone else and correct it silently. Everyone has bad moods and off days, but our job as submissives and slaves is to make sure it doesn’t cloud our service. This of course is the hardest part. I’m still not there personally. I can’t recognize it sometimes and leave it to my Master noticing and correcting for me; usually not the way I wish it could be handled. Discipline yourself to make sure you can catch your backsliding and keep your backside from catching it for you.

Know Your Manners when Visiting D/s Friends

Accepting an invitation to visit friends that are into BDSM or the lifestyle can lead to a wonderful experience and the development of close friends. That is if you keep yourself aware of house rules and relationship dynamics. 

Generally speaking, a couple of D/s friends are not going to drop their dynamic around you since they know you are into BDSM as well. This could lead to some awkward pauses or mis-steps on your part if you aren’t used to hanging out with them.  Here are some things to keep in mind.

• Ask before showing up if you need to give them a head’s up you are on your way. Some people are more comfortable without clothing on and this would give them time to dress.
• If you would like to meet in a vanilla atmosphere, let your friends know. They will certainly shift gears if it will make your more comfortable. If you like the protocol displays and are comfortable with it, let them know that also.
• Be on your best behavior until you learn how the house is run. Just like at your family’s place; you could have to take your shoes off when entering the house, offer to help with the meal or drinks if they are being served and don’t snoop around rooms that you don’t have permission to be in. 
• Don’t correct the submissive’s behavior, word choice or mention thier attitude. That is not your job. Doing this could not only embarass the submissive, but anger the Dominant. 
• Do not assume that play will happen. D/s couples and friends don’t play every time they get together. If play was not mentioned on the invite, expect that it will not happen. 

Yes these can seem common sense, and I’m so glad you would think so. Not everyone has this information at hand and that’s why this post exists. What other tips do you have for someone that may have never been invited to a D/s household?

Review: Screw the Roses, Send Me the Thorns

If you’ve been around the BDSM and D/s scene at all there is one of many books that always comes up in conversation as a good book to read when you are new to the whole lifestyle. This book is Screw the Roses, Send Me the Thorns: The Romance and Sexual Sorcery of Sadomasochism by Philip Miller and Molly Devon. It comes as recommended reading for anyone curious about BDSM and want a primer for what SM is all about. This was the first book I purchased when I as first learning and is still the go to guide for helping me explain to novices certain aspects of safety, and loving play that I may not have the right words for.

This book is written in the male Dominant / female submissive interactions, but it’s easily translatable into valuable advice for any relationship configuration.  “Screw the Roses enthusiastically covers all the basics and even some of the not-so-basics–bondage, negotiation, sex, endorphins, dominance and submission, toys, safety, S/M community, and beyond.” –Cheryl Trooskin

The first few chapters are dedicated to introducing the basics, safety and recognizing abuse in BDSM relationships. The information is provided in  a clear and concise manner that even the most novice of users can understand and get on board with. The book ascribes to Safe, Sane and Conensual form of safety which I also recommend for new explorers into BDSM. It’s a great help for further into the book that these terms are defined so that understanding comes easier.

Once the basics are down the Philip and Molly take you into relationships. How to find a partner, exploring the roles and basic etiquette are the bulk of these chapters. I love that etiquette is covered as so many seem to forget their manners once they enter into a kinky relationship. Lewd is rude, no matter the situation. You can pick up information on negotiation and setting limits. There is also an interesting chart for the different roles.

The bulk of the book is dedicated to teaching safe basic technique. You can pick up information on bondage and other forms of play with detailed explanations. There is also a few chapters on flogging and impact play for those looking to dive right into the fun stuff. This area is not only good for the novice, but an experienced player could pick up a few tips and tricks. This is definitely a book that should be in every BDSM library.

Near the end the authors cover endorphins and subpace as well as the psychological effects of play.Mindfucks, forced exhibitionism, verbal abuse, and public play are not for everyone and play that involves a person’s mind and emotions can be dangerous and should be explored slowly and consensually.

No primer would be complete without a glimpse into the dungeon equipment and tools that are used during a kinky encounter. There is also an appendix to stores, support groups and communities that can help the newcomer step out into the world. The photos are a nice touch and help to display what Philip and Molly are talking about throughout the book.  It has an excellent table of contents to find things quickly and a useful appendix for things to help anyone get started.

All in all, there is no wonder why so many people recommend this book as one of the first books for someone just starting out in BDSM. It has everything you could wish for in a complete overview of BDSM book.

Product Details

• Paperback: 277 pages
• Publisher: Mystic Rose Books; 1st ed edition (July 1, 1988)
• Language: English
• ISBN-10: 0964596008
• luna’s Rating: 9/10

Buy Screw the Roses, Send Me the Thorns: The Romance and Sexual Sorcery of Sadomasochism

Simply Service

A once-a-month newsletter/e-zine written for service oriented people, by service oriented people in M/s, D/s or Leather relationships.

Current contributors are all slave or submissive identified, and in real time relationships where obedience and service are necessary, valued skills, achieved over time. I have been fortunate enough to meet these lovely people all over the country, and have delighted in great conversations, where we sometimes agree, and sometimes disagree, but are bound by a mutual respect of each other’s choices. Occasionally, words from the “other side” might be included as well, as many perspectives will be represented.

Many current contributors are active in their own local leather communities, as well as maintaining relationships, homes, jobs and more. We know it can be a balancing act. We know it isn’t pretty all the time. We’ll be sharing our stories, tricks, tips, lessons learned (easy and hard), mistakes, and human foibles.

Every possible relationship combination will be represented, as this is about service, and can transcend gender and role orientations. Contributors are encouraged to write about issues they are currently facing, and as such each issue may go in a number of directions. The thought of “theming” issues has arisen, and is on hold at this time to allow for freedom of expression and creativity as this project finds a niche of its own. Philosophy, skill training, methods, and more may be examined.

Simply Service Groups on the Web

Yahoo Group: Simply Service
FetLife Group: Simply Service

Contributions will be accepted and reviewed on a per submission basis for addition into a future issue. Please include a bio, and any references you have and send submissions to msolympusleather2003@cox.net.

To view these newsletters you must have the free Adobe Reader or another PDF reader.  Here’s where you can get it! Download Adobe Reader

Archives

Holiday 2008 Download Now!	The Matriarch of Merriment by Sazmira Holiday Tips and Ideas by Danae Holiday Traditions by Whipmaster Bob Clark The Great Christmas Tree Adventure by BootPig Gift Wrap Like a PorkChop by PorkChop Making Croissants for the Holidays by Wildfluers Also Tons of Holiday Recipe Cards!

Unconventional Service by Dusk Peterson Making House Guests Comfortable and Welcome by Danae Carson Not Trustworthy, Risk Worthy SWJ2 Media Release	August 2008 Download Now!

June 2008 Download Now!	Rolling with the Punches by Joy C. On Pigs by Whipmaster Bob Clark Working Backwards by kate maripose

Is Slavery Real? by Darren Productivity Tools Training Outside of the Box by Bootpig porkchops Rules of Bedding: Inside Info from a Retail Whore	May 2008 Download Now!

November 2006 Download Now!

The Path of Service, a Primer Part 1: The Mental, Physical, and Spiritual Disciplines of Service and Surrender by Mercedes White Socks by Jamie Nemitz Personal Responsibility in BDSM by ZooDirt and Kyphi Community Service by Kassie Nine Fold Path Seminars This Month in NC and GA The Role of Slavery in Modern Society by mair A Dominant’s View of Service by Mermaid Master A Series: The Glorified Bottom by Kathryn_Tact For Pig by BootPig

When You Say Nothing At All – Nonverbal Communication in the Scene by seri My Little Sister Wants a Slave by Mistress Grace Hope’s journal Ritual of the Pipe by izzy Service in Daddy Moments by Sean-Michael Traveling with Master by Elegant Brighten your World? Clean your Windows! by sweetkahi Our Readers Write!	February 2006 Download Now!

November 2005 Download Now!	My Journey by slavedebbie Community Unity by Master Kalan Declutter 101 by Tante Jen Metamorphosis by slave a Naturally Polyamourous by Mistress Pamela Essay by E Missy Hall Intimate Partner Abuse in the BDSM Lifestyle by sequi

Ledgerbook Service by Jezzie, property of Anton Eulogy for O by slave a Pantheon of Leather Nominations From the Editor and Letters Humidity and Leather Toys – Flirting with Danger by Elegant Time Management by Mistress Grace Politely Encouraging Departure or “Go Home, Please” by sazmira Reader’s Write! August Responses and September’s Question Are you Experienced? by Kassie Humility by sweetkahi	September 2005 Download Now

August 2005 Download Now!	Grace in Service by Linda ‘BootPig’ Hall Being Transparent for Daddy by slaveboi carlie Aromatherapy Uses in Service by Tante Jen Working with Speech Protocols by slave a Rule of St Benedict Notes for use in Master/slave or service relationships by slave jean Our Readers Write! Consideration 101 by sazmira

Service does not always mean Serious by morgana From the Editor and GWNN Bash Announcement Southwest Leather Conference Announcement – Looking for PR reps Luxury in the Bath with Tante Jen Aftercare starts with Negotiations by Lady Wyllo hope’s Journal The Pitfalls of Excellence by slave a A Life without Rules by Tante Jen	July 2005 Download Now!

June 2005 Download Now!

The Reality of Reliance by ZD, one of our rare offerings from the Top perspective Hiding in Plain Sight by wonderwoman. Balancing your service relationship with functioning the real world. Children, jobs, and more Psycho-Hostess: Tamed? slave jean Are you a Psycho-Hostess? A humorous, but real, look at how obsessive the service-minded can be, and how to reel that in and make it graceful. Deconstruction of Bootblacking by Steven Hagen, 2005 Southwest Bootblack and IMBB First Runner-Up 2005 hope

Ritualizing the Ordinary by slave jean Discovering Leather Care as Service by Sean Michael Part II of the The Write Stuff: Written Communication in Service by morgana Part II of the Mental Orgasm: The Phenomenon of Brain Sex series by Wyllo Hand Signals as a tool of communication by BootPig	May 2005 Download Now!

April 2005 Download Now!	slave a is back with an introspective look at Presumption in Service From the Editor The Art of the Interview

From the Editor –Linda Service Oriented and Protocols If He told you to jump off a bridge… Submission from Strength New Studies Show Diamonds Cause Irritation in Slaves Working Outside the Home A Feminist Perspective of BDSM Ritual Routine Recommitment Head space, slave space, sub space and other places we travel	March 2005 Download Now!

February 2005 Download Now!	Living Authentically Serving While Sick A is for Alpha The Symbology of Ritual Earned Respect of Proper Manners Bed Linens Primer

Welcome from Linda ‘Bootpig’ Hall Catherine Gross. Servants Retreat 2005 How does your service rank? Using the hospitality industry as a reference. Obedience. A slave examines the development of obedience. The Basics of Resistance Management The differences between submissives and slaves. Is one deeper than the other or are they just different?? Master/slave is not another form of marriage Beginning to serve tea

January 2005 Download Now!

Basic Manners and Etiquette

Do you think you have a good grasp of good manners and etiquette? We all know someone as an adult that has horrible manners and no etiquette. Learning basic manners is usually done as soon as children can understand you. The ones most pressed upon them are ’sharing and taking turns’, ‘no staring’, and ‘please and thank you’. Unfortunately adults can forget these basic social rules.

The following is a short list of manners and rules that help guide our daily living so that we are more appropriate in social settings. Review them and see if there are any you don’t know. Feel free to volunteer others in the comments!

Ten Basic Manners

1. Waiting your turn and not interrupting other people when they are speaking.
2. No name calling. Even if it’s in “fun”, name calling hurts.
3. Always greet someone when they come over to your house. Depending on your level of formality, you can shake hands with adults who come over, but it’s not necessary to shake hands with children. But, you should always say, “hello” or “hi” when someone visits so that the guest feels welcome.
4. Say, “Please” and “Thank you” often. It shows respect and appreciation. In addition, if you are thanked, then say “You’re welcome”.
5. Clean up after yourself. Whether at home or at a friend’s house, always pick up after yourself.
6. Good sportsmanship. After playing a game (sports, cards, board game) , no matter the outcome, be pleasant. Be a good sport.
7. Take compliments courteously. If someone praises you, be gracious and say, “thank you”, and avoid putting yourself down or pointing out flaws.
8. Opening doors for others. When going into buildings, allow elders to go first and open the door for them. When preceding others into a building, don’t let the door slam in the face of those behind, but hold the door until the person behind can grab it. If someone holds the door for you then remember to say “thank you”.
9. Exiting/Entering etiquette. Elevators: allow those in the elevator to exit first before entering the elevator. Same with buildings or rooms – if someone is exiting the building or room through the same door you are entering, let them exit first.
10. Respect differences. If people look or act differently than you do, don’t point it out.
    

Table Manners

1. Eat with a fork unless the food is meant to be eaten with fingers. Only babies eat with fingers.
2. Don’t stuff your mouth full of food, it looks gross, and they could choke.
3. Chew with your mouth closed. No one wants to be grossed out seeing food being chewed up or hearing it being chomped on. This includes no talking with your mouth full.
4. Don’t make any rude comments about any food being served. It will hurt someone’s feelings.
   
5. Always say thank you when served something. Shows appreciation.
6. If the meal is not buffet style, then wait until everyone is served before eating. It shows consideration.
   
7. Eat slowly, don’t gobble up the food. Someone took a long time to prepare the food, enjoy it slowly. Slowly means to wait about 5 seconds after swallowing before getting another forkful.
8. When eating rolls, break off a piece of bread before buttering. Eating a whole piece of bread looks tacky.
9. Don’t reach over someone’s plate for something, ask for the item to be passed to you. Shows consideration.
   
10. Do not pick anything out of your teeth, it’s gross. If it bothers you that bad, excuse yourself and go to the restroom to pick.
11. Always use a napkin to dab your mouth, which should be on your lap when not in use. Remember, dab your mouth only. Do not wipe your face or blow your nose with a napkin, both are gross. Excuse yourself from the table and go the restroom to do those things.
12. When eating at someone’s home or a guest of someone at a restaurant, always thank the host and tell them how delicious it was, even if it wasn’t. Again, someone took time, energy, and expense to prepare the food, show your appreciation.

Other Basic Etiquette Rules

1. Turn off cell phone completely during a meeting, social function or on public transportation.
2. Bring a gift for the hostess — preferably something that doesn’t require her to drop everything she is doing.
3. Keep to the right on sidewalks and stairs.
4. Keep food or drink, folders and briefcases in your left hand; your right hand should be free for handshakes.

Resources Online for Etiquette and Manners

The Pink Teapot

Miss Manners Column Index

A to Z Guide to Manners and Etiquette

The Emily Post Institute

Do you have any manners or etiquette to add? Please share them in the comments!

photo credit TW Collins