Sub v. Slave: A Second Opinion

This is a guest post by Beth, as she will tell you, she’s a 24/7 slave of 2 years and would like to express what she sees as the differences between sub and slave. If you would like to read Rayne’s opinion, you can do so on this post.

First off I would like to introduce myself. I’m Beth, or as some may know of me as jjsslave on fetlife.com. I’m also jajsslave on Twitter. I am a 24/7 collared slave and have lived with my Master for going on 2 years now. Well, by the time this is posted it will be 2 years. Ive been in the lifestyle for 7 years and have came a long way. I  have learned many lessons along the way, all which have shaped me into what I am today. The biggest lesson I learned early on was during my first encounter with my Master. It was the importance of not telling too much online to others and that you should guard yourself against the preditors out there. There are good guys out there. Ive been lucky enough to find one, however there are many scary people out there.

To me there is quite a difference between being submissive and a slave. I think it would be easier for me to start on the submissive side. In my 7 years in the lifestyle I started out as a sub. I really feel that until the past 2 years I remained a sub.  With that being said, I had more options in life, at least in my mind. A submissive retains the power over themselves and their body. Many are not going to agree with me on this. I don’t feel that discipline, true discipline should be put in place with a sub. ”Play” or “scene” discipline is one thing but actually discipline where corporal punishments, writings and corner times for example are put in place, I feel are completely off base. If a submissive still has power over themselves then how can they really mess up to the point of punishment outside of play. Slaves on the other hand, particularly those who live it 24/7 sometimes need punishment just for the sake of training, being kept in line and as a reminder of their place.

I had considered myself a slave before moving in with Master, yet I don’t think it was until he assigned me to look up the terms submissive and slave that I truly realized the differences. Unfortunately Ive lost that writing, but the idea is still in my mind. Hmm, this is consensual slavery right??? Then why is it that even though the door is there I can’t imagine walking out and never coming back? A slave has one option for the most point. Obey or leave!! Do i have the options of telling Master “no”?? Not if i want to continue to stay with Him. This brings me to another point, limits. Submissives often have soft and hard limits and can enforce them or use them at will. Not saying that is a bad thing, it gives the person that little extra protection over their body and mind. On the other side of things I feel a slave doesn’t quite have the same rights when it comes to limits. I feel a slave should take on the limits of their Master. If a slave has a hard limit well.. i guess that could be discussed and taken into consideration but ultimately the decision lays with the Master on if the slave is allowed to have that limit. Communication is a must.

While these are just a few examples of the thoughts floating around in my head, I feel these are the more important ones.  This is a very heated topic where I don’t feel anyone will ever agree. The bottom line is that there is no one way to live the lifestyle and that goes for submissives and slaves alike. One of the most important qualities anyone in this lifestyle can have is respect.  Respect for others and how they enjoy and live in the BDSM lifestyles. The good news is, those who live this lifestyle are generally accepting of everyone else’s choices on how to live this life.

I would like to thank LunaKM for giving me the opportunity to write this. I look forward to possibly doing more writing in the future as i really enjoyed doing this.

Beth is a 24/7 collared slave and have lived with her Master for going on 2 years now and in the lifestyle for 7 years. You can contact her on FetLife or Twitter.

Post photo by Purple Sea Donkey

Submissive Chat Night 11/17/09: Negotiation and Common Sense

It’s time for another Submissive Chat Night! This is a repeat of a chat that was rescheduled due to illness.

When: Nov 17th at 8pm CST. It is expected to last about 1 1/2 hours.

Topic: Negotiations and Common Sense

Optional Pre-reading:

• Ouch is Not a Safe Word: Safe Words, Limits and Scene Protocol
• Limits and Negotiations
• Establishing Limits: Going Full Circle
• Can I Get That In Writing: Basics of Negotiations
• Article on Negotiations

Some chat night rules, up for discussion.

1. I would like to be able to post the edited chat log for the discussion on this website and will put it up for a vote every chat night. Vote will decide for that night only.
2. Dominant bashing will not be allowed. Gossip is not welcome. Using people’s full names, or those of people not in the chat will be subject to banning for the duration of the discussion. Please don’t make me use my powers. I’d like to keep this comfortable for everyone; even those not present.

How to get to the chat room

The chat room is attached to this site under the Resources link at the top, or you can click this link here. You will want to click on that big CHAT image to open the chat room. It will ask for your nickname and then automatically connect you to the chat room. It is open all the time, so if you want to meet some people, hang out in there. I try to be there when I’m at my computer too.

If you use an IRC desktop client you can connect to the server directly. Here is the information you need to find the room:

Server: irc.mibbit.com
Port: 6667
Channel: #submissive-guide

Questions? Let me know. Otherwise I hope to see a lot of you there on Tuesday!

Submissive and Slave: A Personal View

This post was written by Rayne. You can follow her twitter for active and interesting conversation.

I’m pretty big on book definitions. So for me, the word “submissive” has always been an adjective describing a personality trait. When I got involved in BDSM, it became, for me, a heading, of sorts, describing a group of people.

Under the heading of submissive, there are three main labels I – and others – use to describe the bottom half of the totem pole in BDSM relationships. Generally speaking, each label delineates a level of submission. How much control the person has given to their dominant. Because there is no set standard (How could there be?) of how much or how little submission one must give to be considered submissive, we instead give the different levels of submission names to aid in communication. A way of getting an idea of how much or how little control the submissive is willing to give up without having to get to know them.

In the grand scheme of things, one is not better than the other, except for the person in question. They’re just different.

Generally speaking, we call someone who is only submissive in the bedroom or at play parties and such a bottom. They are not interested in giving up total control. They enjoy being dominated sexually – or sometimes just being bound and hurt without involving sex at all – but really have no interest in being controlled on a regular basis. This group of submissive people leaves their submission at the door of their play space.

A lot of people start out here. Being the bottom of a scene is often a gateway. A place where people discover deeper, more submissive desires. I was a bottom before I was a sub and sub before slave. A lot of submissive people I know followed that progression. Not everyone, though.

People occasionally shorten “submissive” when specifically discussing this next group to avoid confusion. It’s a running joke, in the community, that a “sub” is a sandwich, and you’ll occasionally hear people talking about wanting roast beef and provolone on theirs. But since the first day M dragged me onto IRC, using “sub” has been my way of making it clear I am talking about this particular level of submission and not submissive people as a whole.

So what’s a sub? That’s where it gets tricky. Because the line between sub and slave is rather fine and blurs a lot. People often use “submissive” and “slave” interchangeably. But they are not the same thing.

A sub is someone who still retains some control, but is in service to someone else. They have the right to say no and walk away at any time. They have a safe word. They have limits. They’re not owned.

An article I read recently described it best when it said “A submissive is a volunteer. A slave is not.”

A slave is owned. That’s probably the only constant. Some slaves have safe words. Some do not. Some slaves have negotiated limits. Some do not. Some slaves have submissive personalities. Some are only submissive with the one who owns them. Some slaves have given up their right to leave, or consented to having it taken from them. Some retain the right to walk out the door whenever they choose.

Legally, we all have that right. Some of us just choose not to acknowledge it.

In my perfect world, a slave is someone without limits or safe words. A slave is someone who opens himself or herself completely to his or her owner. Complete transparency. Total power exchange. He or she doesn’t have a choice.

But in my reality, it’s illegal to own another human being. Some states don’t recognize consent. In the interest of keeping the owner out of prison, the submissive is allowed to negotiate the rules. Even I can’t or don’t always live up to my perfect world. So it doesn’t surprise me that others don’t, can’t or aren’t interested.

Some say the difference between a submissive and a slave has nothing whatever to do with how much control one gives up or how submissive one is. That it’s in one’s actions. In the way the slave obeys without question or hesitation. In the respect in the slave’s voice when he or she speaks with his or her owner. In the way the slave knows what the owner needs almost before the owner does. But I’ve known some submissives to show their dominants more respect than some slaves show their owners.

A submissive is someone who submits willingly, sometimes on a case by case basis, to the will of another. A slave is someone who is wholly controlled and owned by another. That’s really the sum of it.

Rayne is a loving slave with sadistic tendencies and masochistic desires. Chaos incarnate. The girl your mother warned you about.  She writes toy reviews and blogs about being a 24/7 medium protocol slave to her husband Melen at Insatiable Desire (http://www.insatiabledesire.com/), along with four other bloggers involved in the lifestyle.  She also guest write a series that is a basic look at M/s at Eden Cafe (http://www.edencafe.com/) with a number of other authors who write about various sex-positive subjects.

photo by BL1961

Is It Submission If You Like What You’re Doing?

I love surfing the submissive blogs to see what other people are talking about. Many times it gives me something to talk about here on this site. This post is one such example. Over on Underhishand.com, kaya asked about submission and what qualifies it as submission. She asked if you are not expected to do things that you don’t like, can it be submission? Can activities that you would do normally become submission just by someone telling you to do them, or being directed to perform them?

It’s an interesting question and one that has me really thinking about what I consider submission, whether I would be considered a submissive for what I do and how would my life be if it fell into kaya’s philosophy. How would you decide what is considered submitting and what doesn’t?

In my opinion, anything that a Dominant asks the submissive to do is considered submission to them when performed. This can be as basic as making coffee in the morning to being forced to lick his shoes even though you have expressed a distaste for that.  Whether or not you would do them without direction doesn’t matter. It is still submission because the Dominant has expressed that x, y and z would make them happy.

For kaya, only things that are considered submission are things you have to be challenged, pushed and  forced to do. Essentially doing things that the only joy would be in knowing that your Dominant is happy that you did them.

If everything you’re doing is stuff that you would do on your own anyway, and the only difference now is that someone is telling you to do what you were already doing, and you’re never challenged or pushed or expected to, you know, actually submit to something or someone…. I have trouble seeing the submission. –kaya

Let’s use a basic example and apply it to kaya’s question in different situations. The activity I will use for this discussion is washing dishes. Let’s say that on a normal day a submissive not in a relationship does the dishes once a day before bed. It’s a habit that they have developed and maintained.

Entering into a relationship, this same submissive is told that they have to do the dishes once a day. Since they already have this habit in place, can this be submission? Yes it is because the Dominant has now expressed a desire for the submissive to maintain the habit they already have in place. You are submitting to the Dominant’s wishes to continue a desirable habit.

Now consider if the Dominant asked the submissive to wash the dishes within a half hour after dinner is complete. The dishes being washed is still only once a day but it means changing the habit to obey the Dominant and do them earlier. Is this now submission? In this instance I would also say that yes, it is submission. This is an example of behavior modification and once the submissive moves their habit to washing the dishes at the right time, the daily dish washing would still continue to be a routine that would likely continue with or without the Dominant. It would please the Dominant to have the submissive change their habit to suit their preferences.

Next the Dominant sets up a specific washing routine that the submissive needs to follow. This routine specifies what the submissive should wear to do dishes, what order to wash them in and perhaps even how they are to be placed in the drying rack. All of the items in this routine are different from what the submissive has been doing in their habit of washing the dishes once a day. Is this now submission? Yes. It’s a new routine that the submissive must follow and obey, and to please the Dominant, the new order must be upheld. Even if this would then become habit, the submissive performs for the Dominant’s pleasure.

What if another submissive enters the relationship and is asked to do the dishes on a daily basis. This submissive hates doing the dishes and yet is expected to fulfill the Dominant’s desire. Is this submissive MORE submissive than the other just based on the fact that they are being made to do something that they don’t normally enjoy or want to do? No. They are still submissive as long as they carry out the request.

What I’m trying to get at here, is that submission is based on what is agreed upon in the relationship. It can include things that you are happy doing and that make you feel good when you do them. There may also be things that challenge you, or push you to some limit and you have to perform them just as well. Putting limits on what is submissive and what isn’t is a lot like competition with others, that I’ve already expressed an opinion on.

It is an individual idea of what is submissive behavior and what isn’t. The importance is not to express it out loud to the person if you disagree with how they do things or if you define what they are doing as NOT submissive. Everyone has a right to live their life however they want, and if they submit by doing only things that they love and adore (and the Dominant agrees to this) then who’s to say that they aren’t submissive?

photo by three7zero

Chat Night Transcript From Sub Space and Sub Drop Talk

<~luna[KM]> Now I’d like to hear from everyone… have you experienced subspace? If you don’t know if you have, it’s okay.
<selene1123> i’m pretty new…so i think i have but am not sure
<slavelauren> i have
<radiogirl> I most definitely have
<pet_rain> i’m not sure  i think i would like a clear definition i’v heard different people desribe it differently
<selene1123> thank you pet_rain!  i am confused about some of the contradicting definitions
* ~luna[KM] smiles
<radiogirl> I think subspace would happen differently for each individual
<~luna[KM]> we will definitely be covering that
<slavelauren> i agree with that radiogirl
<~luna[KM]> I have experienced subspace as well, just so you all know where I’m coming from.
<pet_rain> yes everyone experiences everything differently
<~luna[KM]> welcome littlemiss96
<pet_rain> hi
<selene1123> hello
<slavelauren> hi littlemiss96
<littlemiss96> thanks…hi all
<~luna[KM]> we’ve just started talking about subspace and subdrop so jump right in when you feel comfortable.
<radiogirl> For me, subspace is also what I call my “happy place”
<~luna[KM]> are there other words for it?
<slavelauren> same for me
<~luna[KM]> euphoria?
<selene1123> i think that’s a good word for it
<radiogirl> yes, it is a euphoric place
<littlemiss96> i’m still really new to all this, but I think I got there last week…euphoria
<selene1123> like feeling the need to purr, lol
<~luna[KM]> it can also be a primal place
<radiogirl> but its where I am comfortable, secure in myself and my Master’s love
<~luna[KM]> one where you retreat to animal instincts
<radiogirl> yes
<radiogirl> that too
<radiogirl> :)
<slavelauren> so true
<~luna[KM]> So, as you can see sub space is a number of different things, but we can agree that it’s a happy euphoric sensation or ‘place’
<pet_rain> right like youve been redused down to your core and where you feel most content like there is nothing wrong in the world
<slavelauren> yes
<radiogirl> exactly
<selene1123> that perfect feeling
<slavelauren> oh yeah i like that
<pet_rain> okay then i’v experianced that i’v heard it defined very differently though
<radiogirl> so I have a question for you guys
<radiogirl> How do YOU get there?
<~luna[KM]> It’s different each and every time we play
<~luna[KM]> and I don’t get there everytime
<littlemiss96> sometimes its deeper than others
<selene1123> for me, it is through serving Master….even something as simple as dinner or desert
<radiogirl> yes of course littlemiss
<slavelauren> for me its the sound of Masters voice it doesnt matter if we are “playing” or not
<~luna[KM]> exactly, these are called triggers
<selene1123> i agree with you slavelauren
<selene1123> it is in or out of a schece
<slavelauren> we could be driving in His car
<selene1123> *scene
<radiogirl> it can be either for some people
<radiogirl> doesnt take a scene to put me in subspace
<pet_rain> when i’m laying in His lap or at his feet infrount of the couch or its after Hes played with me or used me, sometimes its after i’m punished sometimes just the looks He gives me
<slavelauren> We have a kinda trigger phase that puts me right under
<slavelauren> phrase sorry
<pet_rain> whats that?
<~luna[KM]> slavelauren, is the phrase something you can share with us?
<slavelauren> the simple words of To Serve Him is the greatest gift in Life
<slavelauren> sorry i had to ask
<pet_rain> dont be sorry
* ~luna[KM] smiles, that’s okay and I assumed so
<selene1123> understood
<slavelauren> thanks
<radiogirl> thank you slavelauren
<slavelauren> your welcome
<slavelauren> He says that and im under fast
<~luna[KM]> alright, so how would you describe YOUR subspace to someone who has never experienced it?
<selene1123> my subspace is a state of perfect harmony between Master and i
<slavelauren> wow thats hard, for me its like im there but not there.kinda outside looking in
<slavelauren> not feeling except ectasy
<~luna[KM]> For me, it is a sense of complete peace and happiness, but also a separation from my physical body (the pain if if it play) and a sort of spiritual connection to my Master.
<littlemiss96> the place where nothing else matters but my Master and me
<radiogirl> for me, its when I open myself totally to my Master
<selene1123> i have never felt a physical separation
<radiogirl> communion of souls
<selene1123> the opposite actually – i become very aware of my body and the sensations i feel
<radiogirl> some call the physical separation “flying”
<~luna[KM]> oh I have felt that way as well selene1123
<pet_rain> the only thing thats real is Him, His dominance is a weight i can really FEEL on me it engulfs me surrounds me consumes me and W/we are perfect there is no higher happieness there is nothing else that is real
<~luna[KM]> very beautiful pet_rain, lovely description
<slavelauren> im aware of the sensations but if it is pain or anything negative it does not hurt
<radiogirl> very nicely put pet
<slavelauren> wow pet thats awesome
<selene1123> i love the way you put that pet
<pet_rain> RIGHT i cant feel pain
<pet_rain> thanks
<littlemiss96>are all of you in 24/7 relationships?
<slavelauren> sometimes it gets me through some serious “play” Master is a bit heavy handed lol
<~luna[KM]> I generally can feel the pain, but it’s not painful.
<slavelauren> i am
<selene1123> yes littlemiss
<radiogirl> I am not
<littlemiss96> ok, thanks. i am not either
<~luna[KM]> You are LDR aren’t you radiogirl?
<pet_rain> i think the reason i can’t feel pain is because its negitive and to feel anything negitive would be selfish and i am incapable of being selfish there is only His pleasure
<radiogirl> for me its like…… I am so immersed in the pain that it ceases to exist…
* ~luna[KM] thinks pet_rain is a poet :)
<slavelauren> yes she is
<pet_rain> no i’m not
<pet_rain> (blushes)
<radiogirl> and I know that He immerses himself in it to
<slavelauren> well you are excellent with your words
<pet_rain> thank you
<selene1123> you have a gift for putting feelings into the perfect words
<radiogirl> yes I am in  a LDR, Luna
<slavelauren> radiogirl that is exactly the way Master describes His feelings when we talk about how He feels
<~luna[KM]> Did anyone read the optional pre-reading for tonight?
<radiogirl> yes
<slavelauren> i am sorry i did not
<pet_rain> i read some of it but most of it woulnd’t come up
<littlemiss96> i did
<radiogirl> i always do my homework Luna
<radiogirl> LOL
* ~luna[KM] winks… that’s why it is optional
<selene1123> i skimmed through it during work
<pet_rain> i only got to read about sub drop
<~luna[KM]> In the Mistress Steel essay, she talks about different levels of subspace
<~luna[KM]> and that you can move through the levels smoothly, like climbing a ladder
<pet_rain> yeah i would like to read that
<slavelauren> i have read it before and i its very well put for me
<~luna[KM]> well I can send you a copy pet_rain to your email if it won’t open. Just shoot me a message via the contact page when we are done here to remind me and give me your email.
<~luna[KM]> So, how important is sub space for you?
<selene1123> it is essential for me
<slavelauren> same for me
<radiogirl> same here
<selene1123> if i do not feel that space then i feel like i am not in harmony with Master
<~luna[KM]> I could actually take it or leave it. I love it when I experience it, don’t get me wrong, but it’s not important to my relationship or connection with Master.
<selene1123> and that is simply not an option for me
<slavelauren> very true
<littlemiss96> after hearing from all of you, i think my definition may have been too narrow
<slavelauren> what do you mean littlemiss96
<littlemiss96> well, i think i was thinking that subspace was only that detached euphoria, but listening to you guys, I am realizing that i go there whenever i talk to Master, whether in person, phone, or even text
<selene1123> that’s how i feel
<slavelauren> i can acheive it any time anywhere no matter what the form of communication is
<selene1123> or even when i am not with Master but doing something i know will please him in the future
<~luna[KM]> Not everyone you meet will agree with the definition that it’s a broader definition.
<slavelauren> very true luna
<~luna[KM]> Some will say that the non-play sub space isn’t sub space
<~luna[KM]> It’s more a slave space that is a focus for some relationships
<selene1123> that’s one of the reasons i was confused
<littlemiss96> ehhh..to each his/her own, i think
<slavelauren> for me it is slave space always
<~luna[KM]> Sure, the hope is that you will be able to develop your own definition.
<~luna[KM]> wb pet_rain
<pet_rain> oh i’m sorry it kicked me off
<pet_rain> my Master’s here now
<~luna[KM]> welcome pet_rain’s Master
<slavelauren> welcome Sir
<pet_rain> He’s reading along
<pet_rain> He said thanks
<radiogirl> Welcome Sir
<radiogirl> nice to have you with us
<selene1123> good evening
<~luna[KM]> Let’s focus now on play time
<~luna[KM]> how important is sub space to play time?
<slavelauren> pretty important for me
<selene1123> it depends on what kind of play for me
<selene1123> if it is physical/involves pain, very important
<slavelauren> very true
<littlemiss96> i dont think its possible for me to separate
<pet_rain> i think its very importain because i think i can please Him better while i’m in subspace
<radiogirl> I agree selene
<slavelauren> being in subspace expands my limits alot
<~luna[KM]> I agree with pet_rain that I’m more pliable when in subspace, Master can get me to do things that I would normally hesitate to do when I’m in subspace.
<selene1123> definitely
<radiogirl> Oh yes slavelauren
<radiogirl> thats when you learn how strong you actually are
<~luna[KM]> So, what if you can’t get to subspace? Are there alternatives to experiencing that ‘high’?
<slavelauren> well i dont know about everyone else but i am a slave so i dont have safewords or limits but subspace makes it easier sometimes
<pet_rain> right me too
<radiogirl> well, endorphins come
<radiogirl> and thats my High if i am not in subspace
<slavelauren> i always acheive subspace so i cant answer that
<littlemiss96> i think i do too, slavelauren
<~luna[KM]> I think a pretty darned good orgasm is a great alternative *grins*
<radiogirl> oh yeah luna
<littlemiss96> lol for sure
<selene1123> ditto, luna!
<slavelauren> true
<pet_rain> well… sometimes it doens’t come during sometimes i just feel used, but after its done i guess that feeling of being used and knowing that i made Him happy brings me to sub space
<~luna[KM]> how about emotional release. I know that sometimes when I play I feel emotions just pour out of me and that’s a healing process.
<slavelauren> one little problem with that luna i can only orgasm on command
<slavelauren> so if i dont have permission then that doesnt work for me
<~luna[KM]> sure, then that alternative isn’t good for you.
<slavelauren> for me its all about an emotional release
<pet_rain> i dont think i have emotional releases during play
<selene1123> it has almost nothing to do with physical release for me
<~luna[KM]> Does any of you cry during play/space?
<pet_rain> there is a emotional connetion sometimes
<pet_rain> yes
<pet_rain> i do
<pet_rain>  alot
<selene1123> i haven’t….yet
<radiogirl> oh yes
<littlemiss96> i haven’t yet, but I know I will
<~luna[KM]> How about laugh?
<selene1123> all the time….my Master loves “playful” play
<littlemiss96> oh yes…
<littlemiss96> we laugh togther a lot…and I’ve laughed in orgasm too
<slavelauren> i do both
<~luna[KM]> When I’ve entered space and the pain intensifies I tend to laugh when it hurts
<pet_rain> i’v laughed dureing play but when i’m in space i dont, i’ll smile alot but thats about it
<radiogirl> slavelauren, may I ask a question
<pet_rain> well sometimes i’ll like half laugh half cry its wierd
<littlemiss96> me too, pet_rain
<slavelauren> of course anything?
<radiogirl> how long have you been with your Master?
<radiogirl> im curious about the “come on command”
<slavelauren> over 5 years now
<slavelauren> cumming on command takes alot of practice and patience
<slavelauren> and trial and error
<pet_rain> i’m not allowed to cum without permission but i have trouble cumming on command
<radiogirl> I would like to talk with you about that sometime
<slavelauren> of course when we are finished i will give you my email and yahoo nic i am on alot
<radiogirl> I sent you a PM
<~luna[KM]> Are we ready to move on to Sub Drop?
<radiogirl> with my email
<slavelauren> i am allowed to talk to anyone
<pet_rain> yes
<selene1123> i think i experienced sub drop very badly this weekend
<~luna[KM]> wanna talk about it selene1123?
<littlemiss96> i had my first experience with it last week…awful
<~luna[KM]> I’d like to hear your experiences if you are willing to share them.
<slavelauren> got it radiogirl
<pet_rain> can someone define that for me?
<selene1123> to me, subspace is almost 24/7, but this weekend I completely threw out my neck….could not move, sit up, or talk…much less serve Master
<selene1123> all i wanted to do was cry
<~luna[KM]> Sub Drop is when the endorphins and euphoria leave your body and you feel what I call a crash in mood
<~luna[KM]> For some people this can be very severe and traumatic.
<selene1123> Master had to take care of me and i felt so….useless
<slavelauren> when i experience it is very traumatic
<pet_rain> okay like when you feel like yesterday you were His perfect little tng but today you feel frustrated and all wrong like that?
<~luna[KM]> I have felt that way too selene1123, when I’m sick.
<littlemiss96> i had a really rough time
<slavelauren> have you talk to Him about it?
<littlemiss96> combined with PMS…
<~luna[KM]> When I’m out of commission, he tells me that it’s his turn to take care of his property… his job ya know.
<selene1123> luna, that’s what my Master says….but i still feel so lost
<slavelauren> because Master has never experience subspace or sub drop He has asked me to discuss with Him the feeling that go with each one sub drop more bc He sees subspace in me most of the time
<slavelauren> smae here luna
<~luna[KM]> Did you know that sub drop happens more in committed relationships than in casual or long distance ones?
<selene1123> i can see that
<~luna[KM]> I did a non-academic study with the munch groups I attend and it was overwhelming
<slavelauren> i would have to agree with that
<pet_rain> i can deffently see how
<~luna[KM]> I know what I think as the reason, but why do you think that is the case?
<slavelauren> i think that is more of an emotional attachment in committed relationships
<selene1123> i think it is the level of devotion
<littlemiss96> i think that’s what partially caused mine…i’m realizing my heart is getting involved in this along with my mind and body
<pet_rain> because you are more emotionally connected with them everythings more real in your face everyday
<slavelauren> very tue luna
<slavelauren> true sorry
<~luna[KM]> I think that more casual or separate-lives relationships have less sub drop because of a defense mechanism to protect the person’s emotional state. When in a live-in relationship, you let your guard down more often, allowing for drop.
<littlemiss96> since my relationship is new, I kind of discounted that I would go through sub drop…i was totally unprepared for it
<slavelauren> very true luna
<~luna[KM]> Drop is the same though, the emotional distress, feelings of inadequacy or disbelief that you just went through play activity x, y and z. Or even shock from injuries received, and thoughts on how you can enjoy something like ‘that’.
<radiogirl> Its impossible to be prepared for subdrop
<littlemiss96> Master also had some personal stuff that kept him away from me for a couple of days, and I didn’t know why…in my fragile state, I began to have abandonment issues
<~luna[KM]> What forms of aftercare are available to you when you do drop?
<~luna[KM]> that can totally happen littlemiss96
<slavelauren> yes it can littlemiss
<selene1123> i feel the same way sometimes littlemiss
<littlemiss96> plus I was PMSing…so it was the perfect storm…lol
<slavelauren> Master is really big on aftercare
<radiogirl> lol
<littlemiss96> I talked to Master about it, and he apologized, and has promised to be there for more aftercare
<selene1123> i use my slave journal as aftercare; writing helps me “balance” myself out
<selene1123> plus i’m writing for Master so i feel connected to him
<slavelauren> when i first came to live with Master fulltime i already knew that He leaves every week Monday through Wednesday to see His sub about an hour from here but that first month was horrible abandonment issues galore
<littlemiss96> so do I selene1123…and I send it to Master
<slavelauren> i journal alot
<littlemiss96> i do ok as long as I know what’s going on and why he’s gone…when he says, “talk to you this afternoon” and then he doesn’t…that’s when I freak out
<~luna[KM]> I tend to find that taking a long hot bath or shower helps
<~luna[KM]> and chocolate, lots of chocolate
<littlemiss96> lol chocolate always works
<~luna[KM]> I’ve got some music I like to listen to as well when I’m dropping
<littlemiss96> or I love a day at the beach
<slavelauren> chocolate works very well
<~luna[KM]> Anything else you’d like to talk about related to sub drop?
<slavelauren> i have a meditaion cd that works really well bc it is all about sub drop and it guides you through getting out of it most of the time it works
<~luna[KM]> where did you get a CD like that slavelauren?
<littlemiss96> do y’all find it worse in connection to your cycle?
<selene1123> i’m interested too
<radiogirl> me 2
<littlemiss96> me too
<slavelauren> at a convention i attended a few years ago, i will true to download to mp3 and send it to everyone who would like it
<slavelauren> i have alot of them all different ones
<~luna[KM]> ooooh, that would be way cool! Can you legally share them?
<slavelauren> they help me alot
<radiogirl> I would love that
<slavelauren> i dont see why not
<selene1123> that would be great, slavelauren
<slavelauren> they are not copyrighted
<slavelauren> i just looked
<littlemiss96> should be legal then
<slavelauren> i like helping out anyone who asks especially if it helps them serve their Master better
<radiogirl> I appreciate that
<littlemiss96> thanks so much…should we pm you our email addresses?
<selene1123> thank you

What It Means to Be an Owned Kajira

The Basics of Negotiating a Scene

It can be very scary approaching a Dominant and asking them to play with you. The butterflies in your belly can make it very difficult to take that first step. It can be every worse if you two don’t negotiate the scene so that you get what you want out of it and s/he does too. Negotiating a scene is different than negotiating a relationship. I will be covering the play negotiation in this essay.  Negotiating play is vital for new players or for those who have never played together. Once you get to know someone it is likely that unless you have something you’d really like to experience you can forego some negotiation for spontaneity.

When you are ready to negotiate with someone have in mind what you would like to experience. You can be as specific as you’d like to be. Express what turns you on and what things you have tried in the past that really did it for you. Tell them your limits; and if you don’t know your limits it’s best if you go back to do your checklist again. It will give you a clue as to what you can and can’t do as well as things that just aren’t appealing.

Negotiating pre-scene can include (from wikipedia):

• Arrangement of Roles – who will be the top and the bottom, participation of any other observers, and the way partners address each other;
• Expectations and needs of both partners – likes and dislikes of submissive and dominant partners and the ability to fulfill each other’s needs;
• Limits of the scene – boundaries that are set to define what experience is acceptable within psychological (such as humiliation, obedience or verbal violation) and physical limits (such as pain, marks and resistance to various influences);
• Types of play – practices that would be included in a scene: bondage, role-playing, spanking or sensory deprivation;
• BDSM Gear and attire – what materials, adult toys and fetish wear will be used;
• Duration of the scene – at what time the play starts and ends, who will be in charge of the time;
• Health concerns – talking over existent health problems: allergies, chronic diseases, STD’s, taking any medications and other;
• Safety measures – any safety tools to prevent situations when something goes wrong;
• Sexual contact – what type of sexual activity is accepted if any;
• Safe words – one or set of verbal and non-verbal signs that will be used to stop the play or slow it down.

More Reading:

From eHow

My Submission is Better Than Your Submission

Competition is human nature. From the time we are children we start to see who is ‘better’ and hopefully that is you. It could be as simple as having more ice cream than your sibling thus making you better or getting the best grade on a test, making you better than everyone else in the class. We have all compared ourselves with others; sometimes we ‘win’ sometimes we ‘lose’. It is when we voice these opinions outloud that we might not realize the ramifications.

I’ve read recently on a forum where a submissive is explaining her life and how she struggles with one thing or another. Someone commented that they must not be submissive enough and that opened the gateway for competition. From people saying that they wouldn’t behave that way, or a good submissive would do this or that it’s all saying (even if it might not be true) that I’m better than you are because I know the answer. As if there were just one answer to begin with.

There is no such thing as not submissive enough.

Submissives are as different as snowflakes. Each is unique and beautiful. No one snowflake is the same as another. Telling someone that they aren’t submissive enough is just a means to belittle them and is not appropriate for any submissive to do. What I try to convey on Submissive Guide is that there is an appropriate way to act and behave. That is with common courtesy and manners. How would you feel if you were told that you weren’t skinny enough or sexy enough or feminine/masculine enough?

Unless you are willing to put yourself up on the box to have your submission picked apart, keep it to yourself. It’s not doing anyone any good.

Your relationship isn’t better than theirs, just different.

Those of us lucky enough to live in our submission full time are not better than those who get to do it in bits and pieces. Submissives come from all walks of life and look for relationships to fill certain needs. It could be that they are looking for a full time D/s relationship and it could be that they aren’t. Telling someone that their relationship isn’t D/s enough or judging them based on how frequently they play is just childish and rude. Try not to compare your life with someone elses. In the end, you will fail to see the point of their discussion because you will be too busy finding the flaws in their relationship that don’t make it just like yours. Be thankful you are in a relationship.

When at a play party, don’t try to be super masochist; be yourself.

Play parties aren’t competitions. If you go to one and try to do more, experience more intense play than you have before with the sole purpose of doing it better than masosubbie, you will fail and probably hurt yourself in the process. You need to remember your limits and stay within those. No one is going to think less of you because you can’t handle the lexan cane at maximum strength or a bull whip to your breasts.  What you want to be remembered for is having fun and enjoying yourself. That’s easy to do when you remember what your body can handle.

Your submissive journey is not a race. Learn about yourself and be proud of yourself. There is no reason to compete with anyone else. Do you have any advice for those that want to compete or play the game of one-upmanship?

photo by HikingArtist

A Lesson in Control with Self-Punishment

Each and every day there is the chance to scew up and be disobedient. Luckily, most of us won’t break rules every single day but when we do we know that punishment will come swiftly and precisely. That is, unless you are an online submissive. Then there are a few other steps to having punishment carried out and most likely that involves you doing the punishment by direction.

Every submissive I know, including myself, hates to get into trouble, but it’s going to happen. We have to admit that there will be times of backsliding, pushing limits and general disobedience in our learning. It’s a part of growth. This doesn’t mean we are more or less submissive or that we don’t deserve the collar we wear. It just means we need that bit of focus that punishment affords us. Don’t think of punishment as something bad, but as something to help us grow inward.

Punishment really can be a good thing.

While most of the following ideas are used mainly in online relationships, they can and are used in face-to-face relationships as well. Feel free to add your own thoughts as well. I would like to point out that communication is key in any relationship and negotiation of these issues is important. A Dominant must not violate your limits or agreed terms during punishment. Also, punishment is not to be enjoyed by either party in order for it to work correctly. It is difficult for sex to be a good punishment because of this.

Essays

Now, for those submissives in an online relationship punishment takes on a variety of tasks. Most common is the essay. The essay can be about anything that the Dominant feels would benefit the submissive in improving their behavior.  In most cases I have seen essays about the specific infraction used the most.

Many online submissives have blogs where they post their completed work. Others use email to send their completed essay to their Dominant. I know I used the email method when I was online only, but eventually those essays ended up on my blog as well. Reading old essays has helped me see where my mind was at in various times of my submission.

Writing lines is another form of essay punishment that can be a reinforcement tool. Handwriting lines in a book is a physical reminder as well as a mental one that you have disobeyed and are being punished.

It’s easy to see that the proof that you fulfilled your punishment is the resulting paper or set of lines. This is why it is a good punishment tool for those online relationships.

Sexual Chastisement

Punishment in this form can be instructed to wear a sexual aid for a period of time, no orgasms for a time frame or any other form of control that the Dominant can take away as part of your punishment for misbehaving.

A common punishment in my Dominant’s house is wearing a butt plug or ben wa balls while out, forbidding orgasms for a time or making me do something sexual that doesn’t appeal to me (but isn’t a limit).

The delicate thing about this form of punishment is that if the Dominant uses something that they want you to start enjoying then it could set a negative vibe about it once the activity is employed for pleasure instead of punishment. Sexual punishments should be used with care if used at all.

For online relationships, these things may be carried out while on web cam or chatting directly. With built up trust, these things can also be done with camera proof or maintaining communication.

Lecture

No one ever looked forward to a lecture from their parents. Having to sit down and listen to your Dominant tell you that you were disobedient is just as scary. Having to hear a long drawn out message is even worse. You can feel horrible and that’s the point. Driving it home is the purpose. Listen to your Dominant during lectures, don’t tune them out.

Privilege Restriction

In essence this is like being grounded. The Dominant can take away favorite foods, set a bedtime, allow only a certain number of text messages per day or can make clothing requirements. Anything that you take for granted can be taken away from you. Punishments of this sort are quite common in face-to-face relationships as they can be policed easier that way.

Online ‘Public’ Punishment

Used mostly online as the title describes, this would be going to a chat room or other online BDSM venue where others are and declaring your misdeed and receiving chastisement in front of other people.

This is also possible in face-to-face relationships. I’ve read of submissives wearing signs at parties about thier misbehavior and what punishment they are under. There are many creative ways to be punished in BDSM public and if your relationship allows for this form of activity then the Dominant may deploy it to teach you a lesson.

Proof

For an online or long distance relationship, part of the frustration of both parties is the proof that the punishment was carried out. Unlike the essay option where there is physical proof that it was completed other punishment may require the use of technology.

• Web Cam or Digital Photo – Used when an image is necessary to see that the punishment was carried out. This can be helpful in most any instance of self punishment.
• Other Documentation of Self-Punishment Obedience – things like calendars, text messages, emails and voice messages can help provide proof that you have obeyed.
• Anything else? What other ideas do you have as ways to prove you obeyed and the sentence was carried out?

photo by apesara

The BDSM Checklist that Will Really Help You

An important part of negotiating a scene is discussing what you want out of the scene. Sure there are a lot of really thorough BDSM checklists that you could fill out if you don’t want to really think about what turns you on and drives you crazy with pleasure. BDSM checklists all live under different names. You can call them limit lists, negotiation lists, negotiation checklists and perhaps ones I’ve never heard. They are all based on a similar idea. If you make a list of the things you enjoy or don’t enjoy you can easily share them with the person you want to play with to find out if you can build a scene that will satisfy both of your needs and desires.

The kind of list that I really like is the Yes/No/Maybe list. It doesn’t require you to look up terms you don’t know or try to figure out if you’d be into something you’ve never heard of. This list is a living document and can go in your training resume to be updated as you grow and develop in your submission. I feel that this list will give you a better view of your desires and limits than a list where you rank things by number or leave you questioning if you really are kinky by the number of question marks you put down on things you don’t know.

The YES/NO/MAYBE List

Today I’d like you to get your Yes/No/Maybe list together. Even if you have a limits list already written up; start fresh. See what you can come up with on your own.  First take a big piece of paper and make a list of all the sexual and BDSM activities you can think of, including the ones you wouldn’t choose for yourself.

After you finish with the big list of all possible activities, take a regular piece of paper and make three columns. At the top mark them YES, NO and MAYBE. In the YES column write all the items that you know you like or that you definitely want to try. The NO column are for the things that are out of your limits at this time or things you definitely don’t want to do.  The MAYBE column are for things you might like to do with the right person or if you were turned on enough or interested in but not sure of the safety around it. This is the exploration list.

And just in case you didn’t think of them, here are a few things that end up on the NO list of many experienced players:

• Temporary marks
• Permanent marks
• Play with urine or feces
• Play with guns or knives
• Sexual or genital play or penetration
• Unsafe sex
• Breathing constriction
• Use of drugs and alcohol
• No touching areas or sensitivities
• Triggers ( like “Don’t use belts, they remind me of childhood abuse.”)

Now that you have the lists finished take some time to look at the YES column. Go through each item and mark it with an ‘N’ if you need it to have a good play session. You can mark the rest with ‘W’ for want, including some in the MAYBE column. These are the icing on the cake items, the things that make play facinating and challenging and fun.

Now that you have this list you can look for a negotiations checklist from online or in books. These lists have important information areas like health issues, triggers, medications you are on and so forth. Each list ranges in detail so find one that meets your needs. You can use the lists you find to help you fill out your own list, but don’t add anything so out there that you forget what it is.

Enjoy your explorations!

How to Give Good Initial Interviews

When you first start talking to a potential Dominant you go through an initial interview. A lot of times this is just a period where basic questions are asked and your answers help the Dominant gauge just how interested you are in them, how compatible you are with them and what your intelligence level is. This isn’t the right time to say that you will do whatever they ask of you or to try to insinuate that you will worship them whenever they wish. Like a job interview you want to highlight your own talents and history.

A Dominant friend of mine once said that a pet peeve of hers was when she asked a submissive what they enjoy she gets, “Whatever mistress wants,” type of answers. Short one word answers are not appropriate either unless they are a yes or no question. She calles the submissives as ’subs without preferences.’  Initial interviews can be frustrating, but not just for the submissive. The Dominant has to wade through canned responses, one word answers and submissives who appear to have no preferences, no likes or dislikes of their own and no personality. Dominants don’t want a blow up doll, they want a human being. 

Show them who you are. Discuss your likes and dislikes. Tell them honestly what you like and don’t like, what your experience level is and even who you voted for in the last election. All of these things exhibit your intelligence and eagerness to get to know a Dominant before becoming their submissive. Discuss your limits, even if they seem commonplace. Be open about your inexperience or your lack of understanding about some things. Dominants are going to want to explain things to you if you become important to them. 

Be prepared to answer basic questions. Answer them fully and completely. Tell stories if it will enhance the point. Be yourself. There is no need to try to be the perfect submissive. No Dominant is going to assume you are perfect and none are. Each person has their own perferences. But you may be close to what they are looking for.

Use in-depth questions as a way to figure out what you want from the possible relationship also. Don’t give them the answers you think they are looking for. Keep those out of the conversation. I know Dominants will stop talking to submissives if they default to generic responses.

Don’t call them Sir or Ma’am or any other title within the first interview. Many of the Dominants I talk to want to get to know you first before assuming any sort of role to  you. Keep it civil, respectable and truthful. 

Use proper grammar and spell check your writing before sending it to them. (This of course isn’t the case with spoken or face-to-face interviews.) Show you aren’t lazy and are aware of proper writing rules. Leave third person speech and lower casing i/my out of the initial interview. It’s annoying to Dominants if they do not know you.

Lastly, dress nicely. Don’t let them tell you what to wear. You aren’t submitting to them, just interviewing.

This initial interview can be your best resume and perhaps you will earn a second interview. That is the goal after all, right?

Etiquette at Play Parties

Each social situation we expose ourselves to has it’s own set of rules and behaviors. This is also true of BDSM events, perhaps even moreso. A play party will have different rules at each location you may attend one. There will be established rules as well as house/location rules. There are also unspoken rules that many relationships have in place. Let’s cover some of each category.

Established Rules

1. Have a safeword or use the party safeword. If your word is different than the one set up for the party, let the Dungeon Monitors know before you play so that they can monitor for your chosen word.
2. If extreme or edge play is planned, speak to the Dungeon Monitor to see if it is allowed to happen and so that they can be prepared.
3. What goes on here, stays here. This one is a bit self explanatory but many new players violate this rule the first time out. You are free to talk about what happened to you, but not who with or anything else in specifics. Most groups will say you can describe what you saw in generalities (ie. “I saw this awesome fireplay scene last night!”) but better to be safe than sorry. Even identifying people who were there can be a no-no.
4. No photography. This this can be restricted to cameras only or include cell phones. For discretion sake, just leave your cell phone with your possessions.
5. Read the posted rules for any specific rules to that play party. They are there for your protection and safety.

House Rules

If a party is held at someone’s house, and a lot of times it is there are also house rules to follow. Examples include:

1. No nudity except in designated play areas.
2. No play except in designated areas.
3. Don’t open doors, these rooms are off limits.
4. Smoking allowed in these areas.
5. Alcohol rules may fluctuate depending on the type of party.
6. Sexual play may fluctuate depending on the type of party.

Unspoken Rules

These rules can be hard to know, and manytimes people learn these after breaking them, especially if you are new. Take head to these unspoken rules.

1. Do not touch. Anything. Persons, toys or other people’s equipment is theirs. Submissives may not be allowed to interact with others without the Dominant’s permission. Don’t assume that a submissive is ignoring you, they may not be allowed to speak. If in doubt, talk to the Dominant.
2. Play is concensual and optional. You do not have to play at a party, but if you do make sure that you both agree on what you want done.
3. Uncollared submissives are not required to call all Dominants Sir/Ma’am. This goes for all over, but especially where group protocol feels heavier. You are a respectable invidual first, submissive second. I believe that respect and titles are earned. (This was until I was instructed to call all Dominant’s Sir/Ma’am by my Master.)

What other rules should I include here? Any advice you would give novices as to their first play party?

The Roundtable: Open Marriages

Every so often I want to open up the blog for you to share and teach me on a topic that I don’t know a lot about. This is your chance to teach me and the other readers of this blog. I encourage you to comment, subscribe to the comments and keep coming back to add more insights.

From the Wikipedia page on Open Marriages:

Open marriage typically refers to a marriage in which the partners agree that each may engage in extramarital sexual relationships, without this being regarded as infidelity. There are many different styles of open marriage, with the partners having varying levels of input on their spouse’s activities. The impact of open marriage on relationships varies across couples. Some couples report high levels of marital satisfaction and have long-lasting open marriages. Other couples drop out of the open marriage lifestyle and return to sexual monogamy. These couples may continue to believe open marriage is a valid lifestyle, just not for them. Still other couples experience serious problems and claim open marriage contributed to their divorces. All couples in open marriages may therefore want to pay attention to their relationship maintenance behaviors.

Today I’d like to learn about open relationships and marriages. Here are the questions I have for those of you with experience in open-style relationships:

1. What rules are there in the relationship to prevent infidelity or violation of other limits? Why do the ground rules exist?
2. What style of open relationship do you have? Is it polyamory or one that we haven’t discussed yet? Is polyamory considered an open relationship?
3. How do you handle jealousy issues?
4. What sexual protection do you use with other partners?
5. The illegality of having another partner other than your wife/husband can cause issues, what do you have to keep the safety of all partners involved safe?
6. Have any of you seen the Handbook on Open Relationships found at Open Hands? What do you think of its content?

Do you have anything else you’ d like to share about open relationships that I might not have considered?

Readers’ View on Polyamory

A couple week’s ago I held a Roundtable discussion on Polyamory. You had a lot to say about it.

I also had a guest post on polyamory, written by May.

Coming up this week is a second guest post about having two Dominats in a poly relationship by Aria. Keep an eye out for that one!

I’d like to share what you said in the comments. Please feel free to continue the conversation. I’d love to hear what else you have to say about Polyamorous relationships.

ellemenopea said:

What does polyamory mean to you?
Having loving relationships with multiple people

How did you decide that polyamory was something you wanted?
I didn’t really, it just sort of happened through a series of events.

How do you deal with jealousy?
Luckily, it’s not a huge issue in our relationships. Mostly, I try to remind myself that I don’t own anyone’s time. I also try to make sure everyone in my life gets some amount of time just for us.

How do you balance the relationship with more than one partner?
Right now it’s not an issue, as everyone in my life has some distance. Scheduling time is the biggest thing.

What is your support system like within the relationship?
I feel comfortable going to different people for different things, but overall, I feel that the people in my life and my partner’s lives are trustworthy and wonderful. It really gives me an extended network of people who care about me and lend a hand when necessary. It also makes me feel part of a family.

If you have more than one Dominant partner, how does the control get passed between the Dominants as it pertains to you?
There is a hierarchy in our relationship, where Sir decided who has how much control, on a case by case basis.

SereneKitten said:

1. What does polyamory mean to you? — Having more than one relationship at a time. These relationships can be very loving and committed, a “friends with benefits” situation, or a mix.

2. How did you decide that polyamory was something you wanted? — I was curious about it and wanted to give it a try. My first casual “threesome” went badly, probably due to poor ground rules. My next encounter was more structured and I set clear limits.

3. How do you deal with jealousy? — Jealousy stems from insecurity from within oneself. You have to realize your own self-worth and strengths before you can recognize that what you bring into the relationship is different from any other partner.

4. How do you balance the relationship with more than one partner? — Even if time cannot be split equally between the partners, one MUST make time for each of the other partners. Time as a group is wonderful, but one-on-one time is priceless.

5. What is your support system like within the relationship? — We are there for each other. One of our rules is that any subject is open to discussion with zero repercussions. Open, honest communication is key. We can’t know about a problem if no one tells us about it!

6. If you have more than one Dominant partner, how does the control get passed between the Dominants as it pertains to you? — Not applicable.

Obi said:

1. What does polyamory mean to you?
Loving more than one partner fairly but not necessarily equally.

2. How did you decide that polyamory was something you wanted?
I kept falling in love with a second person without wanting to give the first one up, or believing that I should have to do so.

3. How do you deal with jealousy?
Through honest and open communication, just like any other “negative” feeling.

4. How do you balance the relationship with more than one partner?
Schedules help, but again keeping everyone in the loop discussion was helps us access where the emotional energies need to be concentrated at any one time.

5. What is your support system like within the relationship?
Fabulous! All of my partners are in love with each other.

6. If you have more than one Dominant partner, how does the control get passed between the Dominants as it pertains to you?
They do not Dominate me together, but will discuss issues with each other when they arise to make sure that their Mastery is on the same page.

RequiemKittyPup said:

1. What does polyamory mean to you? ~~~~ for me, polyamory is when one person is able to have romantic and intimate love with more than one other individual.

2. How did you decide that polyamory was something you wanted?~~~ when i fell in love with 2 different men. i however do not *need* polyamory and while am open to it, i can live without it.

3. How do you deal with jealousy? ~~~open and honest communication. ensuring each person in the relationship has equal time with the other participants. ensuring that all participants are aware of everybody’s needs, wants and limits.

4. How do you balance the relationship with more than one partner? ~~~ again, ensuring that all partners have equal time. and also, ensuring that all partners speak up if something is off balance. Ensuring all know of each other’s needs wants and limits.

5. What is your support system like within the relationship? ~~~~ n/a

6. If you have more than one Dominant partner, how does the control get passed between the Dominants as it pertains to you? ~~~ i’ve never done this, but the way i would go about it would be to have one Dom be primary. Perhaps not dominant to the other dom, but have one dom be primary and if the primary dom is gone or whatever, then the control automatically passes to the other one.

photo by Sabrina Campagna

The Value of Checklists

This week’s video tip is on the BDSM Checklist.

If you’ve just started out in BDSM and have asked a few questions, it is very likely that you have been directed to use a checklist to become familiar with what you may or may not like in play and roles and fetishes. If you haven’t seen a checklist before I’m going to include a list of links to a few at the end of this video.

A checklist can be very helpful for you when you are first starting out. You can learn what you might like to try and get answers to things you don’t know about. Some of the more detailed checklists can seem overwhelming but please realize that you don’t have to like everything. Pick and choose and be honest.

When you first fill out a checklist you may not know what some of the items are. Make sure you ask questions about them to someone you know that can answer them. Mark how interested you are with it and if you have any concerns. If you don’t know someone, feel free to send me an email at subguide@gmail.com or come to the site and ask via the contact page. I’d be happy to clarify some of the activities.

You may also have a checklist that requires that you put down your medical restrictions or anything that might be a trigger from past abuse or trauma. These are very good to know and share with a play partner so that they can be prepared if you happen to trigger but also to prevent that from happening. I have a trigger with belts, so they are essentially banned from play and even as time elapses, may never enter my play. Who knows. Learn your limits and be honest about them.

Your checklist should be kept in your training resume and updated as time goes on. I updated mine every few months or so when I was first starting out. Now that I’m in a committed relationship the checklist seems less important, but I still have it. It may be interesting to see how you develop and explore.

Do you know of a checklist that you like? Share it in the comments!

The Emotional Side of Sub Drop

Sub Drop can come in many different forms. Sub Drop is the emotional and physical affects of the release and drop of endorphins in the body after a play session.  Most of what you read online are the physical aspects; the fatigue, sadness, aches and pains and recovery from marks. There is a more intense side of Sub Drop that gets very little attention because for each person it is different and describing how to recover can take many forms.

If not cared for, you could go into depression just from one play session. The endorphins and other hormones released during play leave your body in such a way that it takes time to rebuild the balance of hormones in your system. You could feel like you have a hang over or partied too hard the night before, you could feel lost and depressed for hours or days. You may just want to sleep it off. These are the more extreme forms of Drop. Some people recover in a matter of hours, but others could exhibit signs of Sub Drop for weeks after an intense session.

In a previous post I helped you make an Aftercare kit for yourself when you are alone and need to care for yourself, but I never explained why some of those items were in the kit. The purpose of many of the items was to aide in the emotional recovery after a scene. You may not have need for an Aftercare kit, but it is helpful to know why such a thing is recommended.

Two Reasons It Happens More Often in Committed Relationships

Those that are in casual play relationships tend to not have as many drop issues as those in committed relationships.The reason for this is two-fold. First, casual relationships don’t have the same element of intimacy that exists in long term relationships. That’s nto to say that all casual relationships lack intimacy, but if you’ve been in a committed relationship for any amount of time you will know the intimacy for which I speak. This intimacy can cause issues with boundaries and love that when the play is over the submissive can question the validity of those feelings. On several occasions I thought how could he love me if he did that to me. Of course it was consensual and boy did I love it at the time, but once the head space is over, the questions can bring emotions of sadness, questioning and disbelief. These are all normal.

The second reason that Sub Drop occurs more in committed relationships is because limits are tested more frequently and the play could be edgier. Casual relationships tend to not be able to develop the trust and history necessary to test boundaries as easily. No matter how strong the trust is with partners, you can still have feelings of disbelief or even feelings that you can’t believe you like something so perverted, kinky or dirty. Your own doubts can bring about fear, sadness and loneliness. You could even question why you are into BDSM to begin with. Again, very normal.

Address the Emotions

The emotions that can surface during and after play are necessary to address. Don’t keep them bottled up. Write them down, talk about them and keep open communication with your partner. They can help you get through your feelings. Several of the things in the Aftercare kit are meant to help you establish that connection. A notebook to write your feelings down, a phone card to call your partner (if they are long distance), a letter from your partner telling you how they feel about you and perhaps even a voice recording. Call up some friends and get out, if you have lifestyle friends they too can help you recover from Sub Drop.

Other Thoughts on Drop and Aftercare

Drop and Aftercare, A Discussion

Your experience may vary.  What is Sub Drop for you? What’s the best piece of advice someone or yourself gave you to get through it?

photo by Andi♥

Review: Screw the Roses, Send Me the Thorns

If you’ve been around the BDSM and D/s scene at all there is one of many books that always comes up in conversation as a good book to read when you are new to the whole lifestyle. This book is Screw the Roses, Send Me the Thorns: The Romance and Sexual Sorcery of Sadomasochism by Philip Miller and Molly Devon. It comes as recommended reading for anyone curious about BDSM and want a primer for what SM is all about. This was the first book I purchased when I as first learning and is still the go to guide for helping me explain to novices certain aspects of safety, and loving play that I may not have the right words for.

This book is written in the male Dominant / female submissive interactions, but it’s easily translatable into valuable advice for any relationship configuration.  “Screw the Roses enthusiastically covers all the basics and even some of the not-so-basics–bondage, negotiation, sex, endorphins, dominance and submission, toys, safety, S/M community, and beyond.” –Cheryl Trooskin

The first few chapters are dedicated to introducing the basics, safety and recognizing abuse in BDSM relationships. The information is provided in  a clear and concise manner that even the most novice of users can understand and get on board with. The book ascribes to Safe, Sane and Conensual form of safety which I also recommend for new explorers into BDSM. It’s a great help for further into the book that these terms are defined so that understanding comes easier.

Once the basics are down the Philip and Molly take you into relationships. How to find a partner, exploring the roles and basic etiquette are the bulk of these chapters. I love that etiquette is covered as so many seem to forget their manners once they enter into a kinky relationship. Lewd is rude, no matter the situation. You can pick up information on negotiation and setting limits. There is also an interesting chart for the different roles.

The bulk of the book is dedicated to teaching safe basic technique. You can pick up information on bondage and other forms of play with detailed explanations. There is also a few chapters on flogging and impact play for those looking to dive right into the fun stuff. This area is not only good for the novice, but an experienced player could pick up a few tips and tricks. This is definitely a book that should be in every BDSM library.

Near the end the authors cover endorphins and subpace as well as the psychological effects of play.Mindfucks, forced exhibitionism, verbal abuse, and public play are not for everyone and play that involves a person’s mind and emotions can be dangerous and should be explored slowly and consensually.

No primer would be complete without a glimpse into the dungeon equipment and tools that are used during a kinky encounter. There is also an appendix to stores, support groups and communities that can help the newcomer step out into the world. The photos are a nice touch and help to display what Philip and Molly are talking about throughout the book.  It has an excellent table of contents to find things quickly and a useful appendix for things to help anyone get started.

All in all, there is no wonder why so many people recommend this book as one of the first books for someone just starting out in BDSM. It has everything you could wish for in a complete overview of BDSM book.

Product Details

• Paperback: 277 pages
• Publisher: Mystic Rose Books; 1st ed edition (July 1, 1988)
• Language: English
• ISBN-10: 0964596008
• luna’s Rating: 9/10

Buy Screw the Roses, Send Me the Thorns: The Romance and Sexual Sorcery of Sadomasochism

10 Red Flags of Bad or Abusive Dominants

Predators and abusive Dominants are everywhere. I’ve seen them and been subjected to them in a casual relationship. Thankfully I escaped into a kind and loving relationship that I wouldn’t trade for the world. But how do you know the person you are with is an abuser and not just  a strict Dominant?

I’m going to give you 10 Red Flags that can indicate you are with an abusive person. This is no where near an exhaustive list. There are many many more flags out there. See the list of other essays below if you want a more in depth article.

1. Are you afraid of your Dominant?
2. Do they threaten to leave or abandon you of you don’t submit?
3. Do they threaten violence if you don’t submit?
4. Does the Dominant give you expensive gifts to get you to do something you don’t honestly want to do?
5. Have you gained or lost a lot of weight while being with the Dominant? (this does not include intended weight loss or gain)
6. Do they make you feel guilty if you can’t or won’t do something?
7. Does the Dominant make you feel ugly and unwanted?
8. Have you ever felt like you have been raped after having sex with the Dominant?
9. Do they ignore your needs, such as medical treatment, food or clothing?
10. Have they ever questioned your loyalty when you question their behavior?
11. (Yup, I could keep going…) Does your Dominant ignore your limits or safe words?

Other Warning Signs

There are many many more that can also be key signs that the person you are with is dangerous. Other essays about dangerous and abusive Dominants that I recommend reading are:

• Red Flags, Warning Signs and Intuition: Learning to Trust Your Instincts, Part One by Norische
• Red Flags by Turning Point.com
• Red Flags for Abusive Relationships by The Red Flag Campaign
• Eight Red Flags for New Relationships and Possible Date Abuse
• Do You Know The Red Flags by Dangers of Internet Dating
• Red Flags by Crisis Convention
• Playing and Staying Safe from Come Hither added 4/13/09

Where to Find Help

It is important that you find out for yourself and then get out. There are local and national agencies to help you get away safely and start your life over again.

I strongly support the National Leather Association – International Domestic Violence Project in their efforts to bring awareness of abuse in BDSM relationships.

If you are experiencing a domestic violence emergency please call 911.

If you need help or assistance with domestic violence please call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at:

1-800-799-SAFE         or       1-800-787-3224 TTY

Stay safe, protect yourself and get out. You do not need to stay in an abusive relationship; especially with children.

photo credit pangalactic gargleblaster

A Submissive Approach to Safe, Sane and Consensual

When you first enter the more public BDSM community one of the largest catch phrases you will here is SSC, also known as Safe, Sane and Consensual. It is a security blanket approach to safety when playing and negotiation of play. As a submissive, you have a lot of responsibility to keeping yourself safe and well.

When I first learned about SSC I found that it was very important that I understand what it means to me and my experiences in BDSM. Everywhere I went I found essays that mostly pertained to playing safely, negotiating and choosing the right partners. It didn’t really sit well with me because I was looking for a relationship and not just play. So I defined it for what I was looking for.

Safe

While most essays you read will undoubtedly say that you need to play safely with respects to using barriers, who you play with and within your knowledge level or experience level none of them touch on relationship safety.

Safety as far as relationships go would be protecting what you feel to be valuable. This would be your limits, your needs and wants and any other substantial believe systems you already have in place, such as religion or family ties.

You also want to protect your physical and emotional safety. During negotiations for a relationship, or just getting to know one another, figure out how your partner plans to take care of you and if they will allow you some leeway in how you can care for yourself if needed. Even slaves have responsibility to make sure that their emotional and physical well-being is taken care of.

Sane

For sanity the essays out there stick with knowing fantasy from reality and not acting on fantasy. There is so much more attached to the word sane though. For example, what about expectations of service; keep them realistic. No submissive should be expected to learn 4 pages of rules and protocol in a short period of time or kneel for hours on end without a break. This is what fantasy porn is made of.

Also, listen to your gut about red flags and uneasiness. You generally don’t have invalid feelings when you feel it in your gut. If something feels crazy, then it’s perfectly okay to investigate it. Keep it yourself sane.

Consensual

Of course the two or more parties involved should agree to the play activities, it’s pretty much a given. BDSM isn’t about forcing the unwilling at all. But also, this part of SSC covers illegal activities such as incest, child abuse, animal abuse and other unsavory activities.

When relating it to relationships consensual should be that all relationship items should be agreed upon. There are good dominants and bad dominants. Holding onto your wits and enforcing your rights should keep the bad ones at bay. This means that no rules should be forced upon your that you don’t want to do.

All in all, keep it safe, sane and consensual.

In another essay, I’ll talk about the alternative to SSC called RACK.

Thursday Question #4: Playing With Others

Every week there will be a submissive question posed to readers here at The Submissive Guide. Please feel free to answer it as candidly as you would like. If you would like to participate in the discussion leave a comment on this post, send me an email or post the response on your own blog!

Then come back tomorrow for a post pertaining to the question! I'll share my thoughts and opinions in answer to the question.

Do you or your partner play with others outside your relationship? Are there limits to this play within your dynamic? How comfortable are you with this play?

photo credit Vertigogen