Exploring Impact Play: A Variety of Pleasures

This is a guest post by bgtreasure for the BDSM Play Feature Series here on Submissive Guide.

I choose this topic to write about because it is my favorite form of play and has been since I’ve found this wonderful thing we call “The Lifestyle”.

The general definition of Impact Play that you will find in BDSM dictionaries:  Impact Play: Often referred to as edgy. The action is the same as paddling or spanking but done with the intent to cause deep tissue bruising. A bruise that is very painful and may take very long to heal.

So with the intent to cause deep tissue bruising which is something that I don’t really pay attention to it’s the more intense pounding and beating that gets me off.  I tend not bruise easily if at all.  I do consider this as a part of play that is edge play because serious damage could be done if it is not done correctly or without care for your partner.  I do however love when I do bruise and can feel it for the rest of the week and see the fruits of Sir’s labor.

Some instruments used for Impact Play are hands and fists, kicking, floggers and paddles which are of course used in various other forms of play but it is the intensity when using them that makes it Impact Play.  In my play it’s a steady rhythmic beating, building and building and intensifying as we go on.

When playing and going into this arena of play I find that I have to have a period of time to get my head straight with my partner, relaxing into him, relaxing my breathing and focusing on him before we start to play and we tend to build up rather than go full force out and out from the beginning.  Sir increases and decreases depending on where he knows that I am at and then pushes it to the level he wants me to be at.

I think the fact that I have to have a very special connection with my partner in order to go this far.  In my current relationship I believe our connection is so deep that he has taken me further then I have ever been and the experience each time after we first started playing has placed me in such a deep subspace that I literally can be beaten with any instrument and I just float, I feel as though I am on top of the world looking down at my body and my partner with a smile on my face swaying to some tune that is playing in my head.  Everything else drops away as each strike comes and becomes an expression of ecstasy.

Impact Play is generally the only type play (other than physically touching the genital area) that can make me come.  Again I think this comes because of our connection and that we can play so deeply and that he is in tune with my body but it sets off a reaction that somewhere deep in my mind that says this is hot, this is delicious, this makes you wet it’s time for you to come.  At first I thought it was a fluke because it’s not easy to make me come but as we continue to play more and specifically when he uses his hands as the instrument of torture I usually come and more than once.

Impact play for me is very freeing sometimes it’s like a very intense full body massage breaking the stress of the day, the week, the month.  I personally prefer when Sir uses his hands it makes it so much more personal and I believe strengthens our connection, however floggers and paddles can take me there as well.

bgtreasure is cofounder and conference organizer of Black BEAT Inc. (www.blackbeatinc.org), and cofounder of BESS (Baltimore Educational and Social Society). Bgtreasure has been involved in the BDSM lifestyle for over 9 years and has held various positions with other groups. Meeting people from all over and watching them share with others has truly been an eye opener for her. One of her proudest moments was (Black BEAT) winning the 2006 Pantheons Award for Small Event of the Year, and being nominated herself for the Pantheon regional award.  She enjoys networking with others and helping those new to the lifestyle. A submissive that enjoys many different aspects of this lifestyle, she is owned by Sir Mystical. Black BEAT is home for BG, her lifestyle accomplishments are commendable. She is also host along with Lady Z of Black BEAT’s Maryland Headquarters Munch Group.

She can be reached at bgtreasure@yahoo.com and on Yahoo and AIM messengers  and on fetlife under bgtreasure.

Photo by Luiza

The Top 30 Posts of 2009

A year ago I started a small blog project called Submissive Guide. I wanted it to be an organized place where I could voice my opinions about submission, help novices discover who they are and explore BDSM through the written word. Since that time it has grown to so much more, including an e-book, a newsletter and video posts.

To celebrate one year of excellent writing I wanted to showcase the top 30 posts of 2009. I’ve noted in the link if the author was a guest post. Please take a look at what has had the most views since starting out one year ago. You may have missed a few gems!

1. What is slave training?
2. Rituals that Work
3. 2 Weeks to Better Submissive Positions
4. Best Submissive Blogslist
5. The Difference Between Bottom, Masochist, Submissive and Slave
6. 7 Things You Can Do Today to Improve Your Submission
7. Discovering Your Submissive Nature
8. How to Beg When Asked
9. Mapping Out Your Ideal Submission
10. A Great Example of a Slave’s Rosary
11. Learning To Kneel (from 2 Weeks to Better Submissive Positions)
12. The Importance of Rules
13. Beginning Your Training Resume
14. Dominance as a Slave Training Tool for Better Submission
15. Caring For Yourself After a Scene: Self-Aftercare
16. The BDSM Checklist That Will Really Help You
17. Offering Your Body for Service (from 2 Weeks to Better Submissive Positions)
18. What it Means to be an Owned Kajira by dina
19. The Nitty Gritty of the BDSM Lifestyle
20. 5 Ways to Recognize Topping from the Bottom
21. Another 7 Things You Can Do Today to Improve Your Submission
22. Your Bathing Regime
23. Where to Buy a Collar Online
24. The Importance of Journaling Your Submission
25. Pet Play and Human Pets Primer by skylerpet
26. The Realities of Online Submission
27. Two Dominants by Aria
28. Submission By Choice: Learned Submission
29. Sub Drop’s Emotional Side
30. 10 Helpful Websites for the Busy Submissive

Here’s to another year of great content!

SkylerPet’s Helpful Holiday Hints

This post is another guest post by Skylerpet. You can read her other posts here. She’s wants to help us all get through the holidays with less stress. Here’s some tips to help you. If you have other tips for holiday stress, please leave them in the comments!

With the holiday season in full swing, things can get pretty hectic.  It seems like there’s always more things to do, a list left unfinished.  So I thought I’d share a few tips that I’ve learned over the years to make things go a little smoother.  As submissives it’s important for us to be able to get through these things with as few mishaps as possible, so that we may serve our Master’s better and insure their holidays are most enjoyable.

Around the house:

• Don’t be afraid to ask if guests will be bringing children.  If they are, make sure your home is child safe.  Put breakables up and out of the way, have plastic safety plugs in the electrical outlets, things of that nature.
• Have a place set aside for guests coats, such as a bedroom and a mat for shoes, if weather will be inclement, to keep your floor clean.  Don’t be afraid to put up a “please remove your shoes” sign for those who like to wear shoes inside.
• It’s perfectly okay to use paper plates, especially if they’re biodegradable.
• Make sure to have an extra roll of bathroom tissue and plenty of handsoap available in your bathroom.  Also, having an extra hand towel is not a bad idea. (Not your best ones either! They will be used a lot.)
• If you have your computer on, make sure it’s password protected so nosey relatives or curious children don’t find things they don’t need to.
• Make sure to use surge protectors when plugging in your Christmas tree lights.  Safety first!

In the kitchen:

• Buy your meat in bulk and separate it into 1 lb sections.  Freeze in freezer bags.
• Do a major cleanout of your fridge and cupboards a week or two ahead of time, so there’s room for leftovers.
• Make sure you know about any allergies and other dietary restrictions of your guests.
• Use whole wheat flour for baking.  It’s healthier, tastes better and bakes better.
• Make sure to accept offers for guests to bring dishes.
• Using generic brands is an okay thing.  It saves money and most of them taste the same as name brands.
• Frozen veggies and fruits are an excellent alternative to the fresh varieties.  They last longer, are cheaper and taste just the same.

Miscellaneous:

• Cut up and hemmed flannel shirts make excellent washable napkins.
• Use masking tape to put dates on leftovers you plan on freezing.  It’s easy to remove so you won’t have to cross it out on the Tupperware.
• Ground turkey is a lighter and usually cheaper alternative to ground beef.  The taste difference is not noticeable.
• Use different colored disposable cups for alcoholic versus non-alcoholic drinks.

Make sure to do something special for your Master! Something like a food dish that has special meaning to just you and Him could be subtle but still have meaning.

In the end, the holidays are about family.  And they’re going to understand that things can’t be perfect.  So if you have to put a pile of magazines behind the chair in the living room or use paper plates or if you don’t dust the top of the book cases, family is family and they will understand.

Skylerpet is a 24/7 submissive pup in her late 20’s. She has been into pet play since she discovered the D/s lifestyle and can be reached at: requiemskye@yahoo.com for emails and also YIM chat.

photo by mysza831

Sub v. Slave: A Second Opinion

This is a guest post by Beth, as she will tell you, she’s a 24/7 slave of 2 years and would like to express what she sees as the differences between sub and slave. If you would like to read Rayne’s opinion, you can do so on this post.

First off I would like to introduce myself. I’m Beth, or as some may know of me as jjsslave on fetlife.com. I’m also jajsslave on Twitter. I am a 24/7 collared slave and have lived with my Master for going on 2 years now. Well, by the time this is posted it will be 2 years. Ive been in the lifestyle for 7 years and have came a long way. I  have learned many lessons along the way, all which have shaped me into what I am today. The biggest lesson I learned early on was during my first encounter with my Master. It was the importance of not telling too much online to others and that you should guard yourself against the preditors out there. There are good guys out there. Ive been lucky enough to find one, however there are many scary people out there.

To me there is quite a difference between being submissive and a slave. I think it would be easier for me to start on the submissive side. In my 7 years in the lifestyle I started out as a sub. I really feel that until the past 2 years I remained a sub.  With that being said, I had more options in life, at least in my mind. A submissive retains the power over themselves and their body. Many are not going to agree with me on this. I don’t feel that discipline, true discipline should be put in place with a sub. ”Play” or “scene” discipline is one thing but actually discipline where corporal punishments, writings and corner times for example are put in place, I feel are completely off base. If a submissive still has power over themselves then how can they really mess up to the point of punishment outside of play. Slaves on the other hand, particularly those who live it 24/7 sometimes need punishment just for the sake of training, being kept in line and as a reminder of their place.

I had considered myself a slave before moving in with Master, yet I don’t think it was until he assigned me to look up the terms submissive and slave that I truly realized the differences. Unfortunately Ive lost that writing, but the idea is still in my mind. Hmm, this is consensual slavery right??? Then why is it that even though the door is there I can’t imagine walking out and never coming back? A slave has one option for the most point. Obey or leave!! Do i have the options of telling Master “no”?? Not if i want to continue to stay with Him. This brings me to another point, limits. Submissives often have soft and hard limits and can enforce them or use them at will. Not saying that is a bad thing, it gives the person that little extra protection over their body and mind. On the other side of things I feel a slave doesn’t quite have the same rights when it comes to limits. I feel a slave should take on the limits of their Master. If a slave has a hard limit well.. i guess that could be discussed and taken into consideration but ultimately the decision lays with the Master on if the slave is allowed to have that limit. Communication is a must.

While these are just a few examples of the thoughts floating around in my head, I feel these are the more important ones.  This is a very heated topic where I don’t feel anyone will ever agree. The bottom line is that there is no one way to live the lifestyle and that goes for submissives and slaves alike. One of the most important qualities anyone in this lifestyle can have is respect.  Respect for others and how they enjoy and live in the BDSM lifestyles. The good news is, those who live this lifestyle are generally accepting of everyone else’s choices on how to live this life.

I would like to thank LunaKM for giving me the opportunity to write this. I look forward to possibly doing more writing in the future as i really enjoyed doing this.

Beth is a 24/7 collared slave and have lived with her Master for going on 2 years now and in the lifestyle for 7 years. You can contact her on FetLife or Twitter.

Post photo by Purple Sea Donkey

Submissive and Slave: A Personal View

This post was written by Rayne. You can follow her twitter for active and interesting conversation.

I’m pretty big on book definitions. So for me, the word “submissive” has always been an adjective describing a personality trait. When I got involved in BDSM, it became, for me, a heading, of sorts, describing a group of people.

Under the heading of submissive, there are three main labels I – and others – use to describe the bottom half of the totem pole in BDSM relationships. Generally speaking, each label delineates a level of submission. How much control the person has given to their dominant. Because there is no set standard (How could there be?) of how much or how little submission one must give to be considered submissive, we instead give the different levels of submission names to aid in communication. A way of getting an idea of how much or how little control the submissive is willing to give up without having to get to know them.

In the grand scheme of things, one is not better than the other, except for the person in question. They’re just different.

Generally speaking, we call someone who is only submissive in the bedroom or at play parties and such a bottom. They are not interested in giving up total control. They enjoy being dominated sexually – or sometimes just being bound and hurt without involving sex at all – but really have no interest in being controlled on a regular basis. This group of submissive people leaves their submission at the door of their play space.

A lot of people start out here. Being the bottom of a scene is often a gateway. A place where people discover deeper, more submissive desires. I was a bottom before I was a sub and sub before slave. A lot of submissive people I know followed that progression. Not everyone, though.

People occasionally shorten “submissive” when specifically discussing this next group to avoid confusion. It’s a running joke, in the community, that a “sub” is a sandwich, and you’ll occasionally hear people talking about wanting roast beef and provolone on theirs. But since the first day M dragged me onto IRC, using “sub” has been my way of making it clear I am talking about this particular level of submission and not submissive people as a whole.

So what’s a sub? That’s where it gets tricky. Because the line between sub and slave is rather fine and blurs a lot. People often use “submissive” and “slave” interchangeably. But they are not the same thing.

A sub is someone who still retains some control, but is in service to someone else. They have the right to say no and walk away at any time. They have a safe word. They have limits. They’re not owned.

An article I read recently described it best when it said “A submissive is a volunteer. A slave is not.”

A slave is owned. That’s probably the only constant. Some slaves have safe words. Some do not. Some slaves have negotiated limits. Some do not. Some slaves have submissive personalities. Some are only submissive with the one who owns them. Some slaves have given up their right to leave, or consented to having it taken from them. Some retain the right to walk out the door whenever they choose.

Legally, we all have that right. Some of us just choose not to acknowledge it.

In my perfect world, a slave is someone without limits or safe words. A slave is someone who opens himself or herself completely to his or her owner. Complete transparency. Total power exchange. He or she doesn’t have a choice.

But in my reality, it’s illegal to own another human being. Some states don’t recognize consent. In the interest of keeping the owner out of prison, the submissive is allowed to negotiate the rules. Even I can’t or don’t always live up to my perfect world. So it doesn’t surprise me that others don’t, can’t or aren’t interested.

Some say the difference between a submissive and a slave has nothing whatever to do with how much control one gives up or how submissive one is. That it’s in one’s actions. In the way the slave obeys without question or hesitation. In the respect in the slave’s voice when he or she speaks with his or her owner. In the way the slave knows what the owner needs almost before the owner does. But I’ve known some submissives to show their dominants more respect than some slaves show their owners.

A submissive is someone who submits willingly, sometimes on a case by case basis, to the will of another. A slave is someone who is wholly controlled and owned by another. That’s really the sum of it.

Rayne is a loving slave with sadistic tendencies and masochistic desires. Chaos incarnate. The girl your mother warned you about.  She writes toy reviews and blogs about being a 24/7 medium protocol slave to her husband Melen at Insatiable Desire (http://www.insatiabledesire.com/), along with four other bloggers involved in the lifestyle.  She also guest write a series that is a basic look at M/s at Eden Cafe (http://www.edencafe.com/) with a number of other authors who write about various sex-positive subjects.

photo by BL1961

Using Contracts to Negotiate a Relationship

When you get married, you have to legally sign a document attesting to your decision to be married. The legal document can come in many forms but most have a brief section about what each party declares for the union, how they will treat each other and how commitment will be displayed (change of names usually). In a D/s relationship it is not unfamiliar to also draft a contract in which to declare your intentions with each other. These are not required, of course, and some people will proclaim the invalidity of these documents to anyone who will listen.

I feel that the creation of a contract has some very useful and valuable  importance to a growing relationship.

What are D/s contracts?

A contract is a document written up by one or both parties entering a relationship. This contract specifies the responsibilities of the people involved. It is not a standard operating procedures document and should not list all of the rules you are to be given. The important new behaviors can be listed, such as how each person should be addressed and basic behavior required of each. Keep your rules and protocol or procedures to a separate, easily changed document.

A contract has a set start and ending date. This can be a short term agreement such as for a weekend or it can be a renewable contract on an agreed upon date or annually. D/s contracts can also be permanent in nature, but for the purpose of this essay I will be covering renewable contracts.

Can we put anything we want in them?

As I stated earlier, the contract is not for every small measure of control in the relationship. It is a declaration of the commitment you both wish to have and basic means for expressing certain term changes, violations in the contract and means for dismissal. If you feel you need to write up a long list of rules at the get go, don’t. Submission is a learning process and handing someone a book and saying memorize it by tomorrow just isn’t going to happen. For this reason, the rules and structure of the relationship should be in a different, living document.

I strongly suggest D/s contracts be drafted for each relationship. Using a default one is nice to start, but you will encounter areas that you want to customize for the relationship each time you sign the contract. Use other people’s contracts as an example, but just like your relationship; it’s different so only use it for inspiration.

Are they legally binding?

D/s relationship contracts are not legally binding. They have no validity in court and you can not use them for disputes after a relationship ends. Contracts of this nature are more about the spiritual connection, the emotional and physical commitment established by the people signing it. They are morally binding. This makes it very special to the people involved.

Why should I consider the use of a contract?

You should consider the use of a contract if you are in a temporary situation and are taking a collar for a short duration. This provides an element of dedication to the experience you wish to enjoy and also lays down a foundation for how the term will play out.

Contracts also give a sense of importance to the relationship. You may feel a stronger need to work hard at problems as they arise because you have a contract. You may also feel more committed to achieving everything laid out so that your contract will be renewed.

How do I draft a contract?

Since D/s contracts are not legally binding they can take on any form that you wish them to. They can be laid out like a business contract or they can be hand-written forms that are signed. It depends on what kind of relationship you are looking for on what kind will work best for you.

Start out by making a list of all the things you think are important to have in the contract. Then go through the list and decide which ones belong in the rules list instead. Rules that could potentially evolve or diminish are good for the rules list, but not for the contract.

Then have your partner look at your list and work together to add or subtract items as necessary. Once you have an agreed list, write it up in full sentences. Decide on how long the contract should remain in effect and how a renewal is to take place; whether that be an amendment to this contract or a new drafted contract. Add a declaration at the top. Something like the following is basic and works in any situation.

We, the undersigned, declare to abide by the following items below with full commitment and awareness of our role in these items during the term this contract is in effect from [start date] to [end date].

Then make a space so that you can sign and date it. Then actually sign and date it.

What do I do if my partner breaks the contract?

How did you decide to handle violations in the contract? If you didn’t define how things were going to be resolved then it’s dependent upon you to decide what to do. The contract should have a stipulation about what to do with a violation of the contract. This can be from a re-evaluation up to a termination of the contract. It’s completely up to you. Since it’s not legally binding, the people involved are the only ones responsible for carrying this out.

Where can I find examples of a D/s contract?

If you are interested in seeing what other people have come up with for their D/s contracts, you can usually find some interesting variations. Here’s a few that I came up with while looking for research materials.

Submissive Chat Night 10/27/09: Dating and Online Dominant Searches

It’s time for another chat night here at Submissive Guide. This week’s topic will be one I am very interested in. As always, the chat is expected to last about 1 1/2 hours and is open to everyone.

When: 10/27/09 at 8:00pm Central Time

Where: Chat room located on the website

Topic: Dating and Online Dominant Searches

I will be asking you to give me permission to save a transcript of the chat session and post it on the website for others to share in the conversation. Dominants are welcome to attend. See everyone then!

Optional Pre-Work

• Red Flags, Warning Signs, and Intuition: Learning to Trust You Instincts – Part One: Dominants
• Dating in the Lifestyle
• On Love and D/s

Questions:

1. What are the most common ways to find Dominants to date?
2. What is considered a safe way to meet someone?
3. What is expected on a date with a Dominant?
4. What isn’t expected on a date with a Dominant?
5. What is the difference between dating in the vanilla sense and dating in D/s?
6. Around what date do you play? Compared to when you’d open up for possible sex during a vanilla relationship, why do you allow play at this point in time?

When Protocol Becomes Boring

Protocol. It can be a scary word if you are new to submission. In a relationship, it is likely that you will have some protocol established to control your behavior. So, what is protocol? Simply defined, protocol is the set of special rules that you follow for defined situations that remind you of your place in the relationship. Every relationship is different and will have a different level of protocol. One of my first protocol rules was to call my Dominant ‘Master’ when in private and lifestyle event situations. It was a simple change in my normal behavior and a reminder of my place in the relationship.

As the protocols developed I was so excited to finally be doing what I had dreamed about and read in so many BDSM fiction books. I was living with rules and protocol and my mindset thrived. I felt so good about my place in the relationship and the happiness that Master displayed at my success. The pleasure I felt wasn’t just sexual it was like a part of my soul was finally being satisfied.

It didn’t last. After a few months I started to feel less happy about my protocol. It felt less like bliss and more like a chore. I had lost the attachment to WHY the protocol was in place to begin with; the reminder of my place in the relationship. The honeymoon period was over. Things got really rocky in our relationship because the effort involved in doing the protocol got more and more difficult for me, and the stress he experienced was just as bad.

What happened?

I lost focus for why the rules and protocols existed in the first place. I stopped feeling my submission when I obeyed and began rebelling with what I had gotten so used to doing for joy. I started looking to those fiction stories I’ve read for some sort of answer to my loss in vision. Why couldn’t I make the fantasy my reality? I was very stuck with that thought.

So what did I do?

Talk about it: I first approached my Dominant and explained to him how I was feeling and expressed that I didn’t like what had happened to me and us. We have a very open communication stream and it didn’t come as a surprise to him that this conversation was occurring. We talked about how long I had been feeling off task and also some ideas of what I could do to get back on track. It wasn’t an easy conversation as the fault, which is hard for me to take, was all mine.

The fantasy was just that; fantasy. I had to find my own reality in the protocols. I had to seek the happiness I once had and hang on to it. I started reviewing my rules on a daily basis. I developed a meditation routine to do to keep my submission blossoming. I learned how to self-correct my behavior before it became noticeable.

Most importantly, I made it a priority to create my own reality; one that would work better than trying to live a fantasy. It’s a constant work in progress and I still have my bad and good days. I know it will get better. One day I will be living as I’ve dreamed and the peace that I strive for everyday will find me.

photo by lepiaf.geo

Chat Night Transcript From What is Service Talk

lunaKM> So, first I’d like to get some impression about how new you are to submission. Could you please tell me how long you have been exploring submission and if you are in a relationship right now?

lunaKM> hello aquamuse

aquamuse> Hello, I’m new of course.

eagerslut> I am in a relationship and just recently discovered I am submissive and asked my master to teach me. Previously he had other subs

selene1123> i am currently in a 24/7 m/s relationship…have been exploring submission for about 6 months

aquamuse> I am in my first positive and healthy D/s relationship now with a man who is just discovering how much he likes it when I do what he asks.

aquamuse> about 6 months.

eagerslut> We always have had a sexual d/s relationship but 2 wks ago i discovered I wanted a 24/7

pleasure> i am in a 24/7 D/s relationship for over 6 years now…..i am 53 and in the lifestyle 6 1/2 years

bc26_2> i have only been doing this since march of this year and i am in a D/s relationship for that same amount of time

lunaKM> I’ve been living 24/7 for 5 years, just so you know ;)

pleasure> smiles

eagerslut> :O:

lunaKM> Ok, so we have a range of experience levels. thank you so much for sharing with me.

pleasure> it’s an ever evolving lifestyle and growth, no matter how long one has been in it

eagerslut> That is what I believe

lunaKM> Now, what do you think service is to you? No answer is wrong.

selene1123> To me, service is anything i physically do for Master’s purpose or enjoyment

aquamuse> I’m going to venture here and say service is being totally available, open and willing to comply. This assumes my basic needs are taken care of and put to the side for the time being.

eagerslut> Doing something for someone that would make them happy,even if you don’t feel like doing it. Giving your heart and soul to please that person

pleasure> nick/pleasure…….service/submission..is all the same to me…what ever makes my Sir life easier, happier…and i might add that i am actually more a slave

lunaKM> I’ve always believed that service is a part of my submission and what I give to my Master on a daily basis. Service is, to me, the activities that help the house run, our life be enjoyable and the basic needs met.

pleasure> yes exactly luna

eagerslut> That is very true

lunaKM> But I had someone explain to me yesterday on my recent post that they believe service is separate from submission

lunaKM> and I really like that explanation she gave too.

bc26_2> i agree with service being anything that makes the house run and enjoyable…even when my Mistress is not here

selene1123> i see service as the physical representation of my emotion submission

selene1123> *emotional

aquamuse> I like that selene1123

lunaKM> I’m going to quote it here… CarrieAnn said: To me, service and submission are different. Service is something I do because I’m required to or even want to but doesn’t necessarily require that I submit to anything or anyone. I can not have a submissive bone in my body and still serve. Submission is more direct; surrender to his will, submission to his dominance. The two often merge but are not always one and the same.
eagerslut> I like that too

bc26_2> oh i like that too

pleasure> yes i like that

eagerslut> I can see that point

lunaKM> So as you can see for some of us they are the same thing, but for others they are separate

lunaKM> Perhaps that is why I see people identify as service submissives?

eagerslut> As is everything in life we are all different and we interpret things differently,from our own background

eagerslut> I like that term

bc26_2> i feel that i am in service to many — myself, my Mistress, my daughter at some level…but i submit to only my Mistress

lunaKM> If we can agree that service is likely to be activities and not emotional in nature then perhaps we can come up with a list of things that are service?

aquamuse> I can agree with the definition.

eagerslut> I am a nurse so I feel I service others on a daily basis but I submit to my MAster .

bc26_2> i agree

lunaKM> alright so is my daily coffee preparation for my Master service or submission?

lunaKM> How about the daily chores?

pleasure> i am a nurse too,as like eager, i only submit to my Sir

eagerslut> C

selene1123> i would consider daily tasks or chores service

aquamuse> by definiton – these are examples of serice.

eagerslut> keeping the house clean

selene1123> but why you do it and how you do it is an aspect of submission

eagerslut> making sure my Masters children are taken care of

pleasure> laundry, making the bed..keeping the house clean is all service…

* lunaKM nods

lunaKM> Is sex a form of service?

eagerslut> BAking.massages,listening

aquamuse> baby making?

pleasure> my Sir has set in rules for a clean house

pleasure> yes i believe that would be a service aqua

selene1123> sex to me is a form of service

pleasure> i agree selene

eagerslut> Yes I think sex is a form of service,but I love it so much it definitely isn’t a chore

pleasure> no chore here either lol

aquamuse> hehe

lunaKM> Are all things service related as chores though?

pleasure> service doesn’t have to be something enjoyed

lunaKM> I’d think that there are some things you do that you enjoy just as much as sex as service.

aquamuse> I have things like workouts and keeping a calendar updated – are these service by our definition?

pleasure> no i don’t think all things service related are chores

eagerslut> I hate to cook but I do it because my Master loves it when I do. He generally does most of the cooking but I know he is very pleased when I do

lunaKM> I believe so aqua

selene1123> service itself is enjoyable to me…even if the act i am performing may not be

lunaKM> For me that’s hard to get in touch with selene1123. I’m quite expressive in my face and even if I try not to show my displeasure at a task he tends to figure it out.

bc26_2> i agree with you selene

pleasure> yes but you are still serving luna

aquamuse> me too selene1123

lunaKM> heh, I hear that a lot from him also :P

eagerslut> I do also

lunaKM> Next thought…. do all submissives serve and do all that serve submit?

pleasure> no

eagerslut> No

aquamuse> no

bc26_2> no

lunaKM> In what way can we describe the separation?

pleasure> it’s clearly upon each individual and the circumstances of the relationship

eagerslut> I think they are interchangable

pleasure> i don’t think there is line to divide the two….they do intertwine at times for many of us

selene1123> some may serve out of necessity or arrangement (like a stay-at-home mother or father) but that doesn’t mean they are submitting

pleasure> very true

eagerslut> Yes I agree

pleasure> to submit for me is doing something i detest….and yet serving

pleasure> does that make sense ?

lunaKM> Why do you think service is held in such a high place when Dominants talk about what they would like in a partner?

lunaKM> It does pleasure.

eagerslut> I think serving is a task you can do for anyone and submission is giving your being over to your Master.

eagerslut> To establish routines

pleasure> first of all….Dominates…are predominately Male….and have different ideas and thoughts as to what serving is…it’s what and how They define it

aquamuse> I know my Lover simply enjoys the idea that I obey him in simple requests. I think the power of that has suprised him.

eagerslut> To esatblish who is in control

selene1123> i agree with eagerslut – to emphasize who has the reins in the relationship

aquamuse> I agree too with eagerslut

lunaKM> I think that since service is what they can see immediately as a result of their dominance that they tend to place that a bit higher in importance

lunaKM> submission may not be immediate, but you can serve

eagerslut> Yes how true

pleasure> yes

aquamuse> that idea works for me luna.

selene1123> i can see that

pleasure> there are those that identify as bottoms..they serve..but don’t submit

lunaKM> So is the desire to serve natural or something learned?

eagerslut> Both

aquamuse> for me it seems to be natural.

pleasure> one can only answer for themselves….for me it natural…and yet i feel it can be learned

eagerslut> Some come by it naturally but anyone can learn to serve if they desire

lunaKM> it’s completely learned for me. and it’s not coming easy, that’s for sure

bc26_2> it depends – it is natural for me

aquamuse> I read your bio today.

lunaKM> which one aquamuse?

selene1123> yes, it depends on the person…i’ve always felt the need to serve, though i never really had an outlet before Master

eagerslut> I am a mixture. I have some inherent ability to serve but I can be very selfish at times

aquamuse> Luna.

lunaKM> Oh I meant which site did you read it on

eagerslut> I agree with selene

pleasure> i am a nurse..to serve is natural….

aquamuse> Yours Luna, you mentioned that the whole submissive thing was contrary to your persona? I hope I got that right?

lunaKM> yeah, I’ve had to do some rewiring. It goes opposite to how I was raised.

lunaKM> I get the greatest thrill though when I do something in full submission mode though.

aquamuse> on the Submissive Guide

lunaKM> Which is probably why I’ve stuck with it.

eagerslut> i always thought taht being liberated and independent I couldn’t be submissive but I have found that since I have given myself over to it I am more liberated

lunaKM> There were a good 6 months I considered going Domme. ;)

pleasure> i lived in a marriage of 23 yrs, and didn’t realize till after my divorce that he was controlling..not Dominate ..there is a difference..and to the way one submits to each

bc26_2> can you describe what you mean by full submission mode

aquamuse> * smiles*

pleasure> you are free now to be who you really are inside

eagerslut> Yes controlling is different My first husband was a controller

selene1123> i agree eagerslut…Master likes to make fun of the fact that i am a feminist submissive

lunaKM> full submission mode for me is when I’m given a task and as I’m performing it, no matter what that is, I feel a peace, like all the pieces fit just right, a perfection at my choices in life.

lunaKM> I’d like to attain that as permanently as possible, but right now it’s just fits and starts.

eagerslut> You explained that beautifully

eagerslut> I will strive for that

bc26_2> nice

lunaKM> I get like a buzzing in my head almost when I get there, and my heart swells in my chest. It’s grand.

aquamuse> I wan’t that too.

pleasure> good way to explain it luna……for myself, luna, i call that “focus”

lunaKM> yeah, it is a focus, sure!

selene1123> to me, it’s a moment of perfect connection with Master

pleasure> smiles

eagerslut> :)

lunaKM> Do any of you provide any unique service to your Dominant?

eagerslut> I remodeled his home,laid tile

pleasure> well….grins ..everything from toweling Him dry after a shower..to tying of His shoes

bc26_2> wow – you go

eagerslut> Had to go to Home depot to learn that

pleasure> Dom Depot lol

eagerslut> ;)

lunaKM> Master loans me out to the BDSM communities around us when calls for volunteers are needed for events. I’ve folded pamphlets to checking people in at the door and serving as hostess.

lunaKM> He’s not as … outgoing as I am… so he says I go in his place :P

selene1123> i act as His personal assistant…He hates writing, remembering appts, anything like that so i kinda “manage” things for Him

lunaKM> I am also Master’s chauffeur. He never drives

eagerslut> I get him out of the house to exercise he hates to get going but enjoys it once he does

eagerslut> Mine hates to drive also

* lunaKM chuckles I wish I could do that for my Owner. He just says watching me is enough workout.

pleasure> we mentor others in the lifestyle..and i have given classes as other Doms request Their subs/slaves need training in areas of service that the Dom is not able to do

pleasure> (at)

lunaKM> I suppose Submissive Guide is a service I provide too

pleasure> oh yes luna !! smiles

eagerslut> Yes it helps me

pleasure> a service to all that reads it

aquamuse> Good service!

selene1123> very informative for the new slave!

bc26_2>  agreed

pleasure> being in the lifestyle for over 6 years now, but i am still a child learning my way

lunaKM> Like eagerslut said, she had to learn something in order to serve in a way or another. What have you went out to learn so that you could serve better?

pleasure> i took geisha classes ! lol

eagerslut> I love to learn and feel like I would wither away if I am not learning

lunaKM> what are geisha classes like?

pleasure> learn grace, pose …..

eagerslut> Oh I would love to do a geisha class

bc26_2> i am putting together a list for my Mistress now on things I need to learn

aquamuse> I learned the theory’s of lifting weights and started workout out.

lunaKM> oh lordy, Master would so have me in a grace and poise class in a

heartbeat.

bc26_2> lol

pleasure> it was fantastic….a part of me woke up, literally…..seeing His eyes the first time i walked in the room with out plunking down on the floor at His feet lol

eagerslut> I love the grace of a geisha. my Master lived in Okinawa and he is into that

selene1123> Master has discussed sending me to geisha classes, but the closest ones are almost 6 hours away :(

eagerslut> :(

lunaKM> awesome I doubt there are any around me, but I’m sure I can find some reference materials online ;)

aquamuse> I read that book about Gehsha. Loved it!

pleasure> google it selene…there are online sites that have wonderful tips, ect

eagerslut> I’ll do that also

aquamuse> I believe beauty is a service.

eagerslut> I have been practicing yoga and getting into position gracefully

pleasure> i may be in jeans and t-shirt one day , dirty in garden dust….but i have a feeling..of being sexy…

pleasure> oh yes i agree aqua

selene1123> definitely aqua

eagerslut> I feel sexy when I think of my Master

pleasure> taking pride in your appearance

lunaKM> Alright, anything else you’d like to cover about service?

bc26_2> yes, taking pride in appearance

eagerslut> Appearance is very important

eagerslut> I love shaving and getting ready to see him

eagerslut> He loves for me to wear dresses and heels.The heels are definately a service

selene1123> haha, my Master is the opposite

pleasure> i shave daily, sometimes twice if we are having company, for a teaching session for others ….shaving is a daily service for many subs/slaves

selene1123> i wear dresses and heels all the tim, so He likes me to wear jeans and sneakers

pleasure> your behavior…just as appearance reflects service….and it reflects back to Your Dom/Master

eagerslut> Yes my Master has already informed me of that. To speak succinctly when asked a question and to think before I speak

pleasure> yes and in a quiet tone…..

pleasure> in geisha training, words are not needed

pleasure> it’s your body that speaks for you

pleasure> the way you move….kneeling down to tie His shoe, He knows i have arthritis in both knees..that is service though painful for me

eagerslut> true

lunaKM> Well ladies that is all I have for tonight. I can stay for another half hour to chat so I’m going to open the floor for free chat if anyone would like to stay.

eagerslut> I’m going to have to get a geisha outfit now

bc26_2> thank you very much for the chat luna

eagerslut> That you for your insight luna

aquamuse> Thank you luna.

Also might interest you

Simply Service Newsletter

Should There Be Clear Definitions to Label Yourself In This Lifestyle?

So, you’ve met submissives and slaves online, their Dominant and Master counterparts but as you get to know them and how they interact you start to see the things they do blurring the lines of what you had believed a submissive was, or that a slave wasn’t supposed to act this way, etc. It brings about quite a difficult and confusing time for novice submissives when they try to put themselves into a box where definition X might not apply to them, but sub-definition for Y does. Then they talk to someone else and neither X nor Y apply to them but some unknown before Z definition.

How do you keep it all straight?

For example, I call myself a submissive but people who have read my blog have called me slave, and also had people at munch groups call me slave. I’m not comfortable with my definition of being a slave so I sit at submissive. Then you have people who read my blog and wonder if I’m submissive at all. The range of personal definitions is that varied.

So should there be a solid set of definitions that people can choose from? Other than the dictionary definitions that is; something lifestyle related that we can point to and say if you fit into a, b and c you are submissive, but if you feel more like d, e and f you are slave. If we had to come up with specific definitions what would be in your list for each label? What traits would you look for to be a submissive trait but not a slave trait?

I read on K’s blog today about her issue with labels and her need to put people under a label in order to relate to them. She brings up a good point about definitions and labels though. In many cases the character traits of one are not mutually exclusive to a specific label. What do you do then? Create a blur zone, of course. In this blur zone are all the things that can apply to both submissive and slave. This blur zone is so large that there is no wonder why novices have such a hard time learning what they are and where they can place themselves.

She asked for a dichotomy map to help her place people, but the problem with a dichotomy chart for submissive and slave tendencies, I think, is that you need a cube instead of a flat map to place people. Not only will people be able to place themselves in the right places, but also the right planes for them.

That’s why I try so hard to have people who read this blog define their own submission, but that submission is right. No one is going to do your submission better than you do. You also can’t expect anyone else to have the same definition as you do.

Applying labels and using those definitions is practically impossible.

What do you think? Should there be clearer definitions for submissive and slave?

photo by Felix Francis

The Challenges of Being Kajira in Today’s Society

Today’s guest post is by dina from Kajiradreams. You can also read her post on what it’s like to be an owned kajira and a kajira’s strengths and misconceptions.

Strengths and Misconceptions of Kajira

This is another guest post by dina of kajiradreams. She continues her thoughts on Gor and the life of a kajira. You can also read her thoughts on what it’s like to be an owned kajira.

The strengths of a kajira and the misconceptions of what a kajira is and does.
And what strengths better a kajira in being her Master’s absolute and total property….

I want to make one statement before I write what was set of me.
Gor, Gorean philosophy, Gorean lifestyle is exactly that. A lifestyle that is chose by those that have a particular set of intrinsic ideals. I have no time for role-players or wannabes. it is not something that you can ‘act’. It is not a ‘role’ you can play. It has to be lived, from the heart. Also, Gor is a fictional planet within a series of fantasy novels written by John Lange under the pen name John Norman. Gorean lifestyle can be lived here on Earth, but with adaptations, compromises and understanding. Gor of the books is fiction. The underlying principles and values are real.

I feel I should start with the misconceptions surrounding a kajira, as I know so many people in my life that would look with horror and complete incomprehension of that word (that is is they knew what it meant). To outside observers Gorean philosophy appears to subjugate women, treating them as mere objects, owned, ordered about, used as mere sex objects. It also appears at first glance to be all about sex, about sex mad dumb blondes with no brains or ability to exercise their own independence or free will… with no brains to know what they want, reliant on another person. women who have no mind of their own, no thoughts or ideas. Men who want to just use females, objectify them, dehumanise them… All in all, weak minded, easily controlled people who get a kick out of being treat like a piece of meat.

Sorry to disappoint you all agreeing with that statement, but it isn’t.
The Gorean lifestyle actually allows women to be women and men to be Men. I am a woman, quite categorically female and I am a completely different creature of the human species type to Men, I am softer in nature, more emotional, curvier and more able to love unconditionally. Gor allows me to be true to my nature and to myself.

Ultimately Gor comes down to the need for control though. The need of one person to be controlled and another to take control. Gor is about finding yourself in fulfilling that need.

So what are the strengths of a kajira?
For me a kajira is a woman who is confident in her femininity, strong in her commitment and strong in spirit. As kajira I offered myself to my Master freely, of my own free will and in that I chose to give my own will into his care. I am obedient, not because I have to, but because I choose to be. I know I can be forced into obedience by my Master, but that would not be pleasing. My first priority is to be pleasing to my Master and within that I choose to willingly do whatever he asks in order to meet his desires. In doing so I gain pleasure. A kajira is expected to give herself over entirely to her Master, heart, mind, body and spirit and under his guidance learn what is expected of her. I find as I learn more and more what is expected of me, I give more and more of myself. It is without doubt a difficult process and fears surface each time a limit is pushed or a change is realised, but it is a very worthwhile journey and not everything is painful. A Master does not walk this path out of cruelty or a desire to inflict pain, or a desire to have a kajira who will blindly do his bidding… I mean, how many people really want to spend time with a mindless robot? I don’t walk this path as kajira out of fear either, but because I want to. I want to please my Master, in every and any way I can. I want to meet his expectations of me, I want him to be proud of who and what I am, and what I freely give to him out of love and trust and submission. I need to remember, internalize that thought and trust that what my Master demands of me is for my own good.

It has been said that a kajira has no responsibilities or thoughts of her own, that the master holds all the responsibilities. All I can say to that is get real! have you ever actually thought about what it really means to be pleasing to a Master at all times? I am by no means expert, but even I know It certainly is not easy and neither is it meant to be. I find my master makes me look into myself, recognize and accept my beauty, speak my ideas, thoughts, dreams, fantasies and aspirations and be loved just for being myself. It is a hard thing to do.. to accept yourself and realize that you are loved just for being that person, the dark side of your nature just as much as the light. It takes an inordinate amount of strength, but in doing so I see that no matter what, my love for him is returned 10 fold and I am forced to feel it; I feel my life is safe from harm, that my Master protects me and shields me from all that is wrong in the world, whether that be other peoples actions, intent or malice. This strong, dominant, honourable man who consciously and purposefully demands every intimate feeling and thought I have. The desire and need that creates within me is overwhelming, the need to turn over my most basic human rights and trust totally and completely in one Man and his decisions. In a previous post I made reference to IE. IE for those that do not know, stands for Internal Enslavement. If you want to know what that is, look it up. I am not going to explain it here.

The strengths of a kajira for me is to allow this to happen. To have the strength to give that level of control over to another, to trust that they will act accordingly in the best interests of both themselves and their property. The strength to look into yourself and accept everything that is there, good and bad. The strength to change aspects of yourself in order to please another. The strength to place everything you have ever accepted as intrinsic to who you are, to one side as you learn. To relearn who you are and your place in life and in society. The strength to consciously choose a path whereby another will exercise the process of IE within you, knowing full well that as you walk that path you consciously and freely chose the end result, the result whereby you are psychologically bound to your Master in such a way you are mentally no longer able to exercise free will.

I am uncomfortable admitting it within myself, but I am a strong person. It keeps being pointed out to me and demonstrated quite clearly, but I feel uncomfortable accepting it when I find myself turning into everything I have previously detested. but I am strong. I will make those changes for my Master, not just because he demands it of me, but because I need to. It takes great strength to be completely 100% honest with another, especially when it is regarding things you are ashamed of or things that have upset you in the past, but I do it. I do so because I trust my Master to guide me and teach me how to please him better. One that sticks out quite sharply for me as a strength is the ability to trust in his judgment. I need to explain this one a bit better.

I am not a mindless robot. I am fiery, I am passionate, I am ruled by strong deep-seated emotions, I am intelligent, I have ideas, thoughts, concerns, issues, fantasies, wants and needs. It is instinctual when someone demands an action for me to question. sometimes there will be quite strong fears or concerns regarding this. Being kajira does not mean that I give my Master blind obedience; being kajira means that there is a time and a place for everything. That I must trust my Master to allow me to express those fears and concerns, that I must trust him to help me work through them so they are no longer barriers. That I must trust my Master to be acting in both his and my best interests. and that at the end of it all, regardless of how strongly opposed my own feelings may or may not be, I have the strength to say the words which are the right of every kajirae. “Yes Master”.

Another key strength for me is being able to let go, lose myself as I fall down this rabbit hole in the knowledge that my Master will always be there when I fail, and I will fail for I am human but he will be there allowing me to pick myself up, evaluate what went wrong and continue the journey, knowing that as I lose myself, I also find myself.

Two final points to make, I know I have rambled on here quite a bit and I have repeated myself a lot… I am not going to edit it though as I feel it will detract from showing my Master my thought process.

1. I have an ever growing, innate need to be pleasing to my Master. I cannot switch that off. It eats inside me, demanding to be fed and to feed it means giving everything I am over to the hands of another; becoming bound to them in a way that there is no retreat, no escape route, no leniency. This is a very frightening concept and process, but just because it is ’scary’ does not mean I will back away from it. I always have enjoyed a good fight and I know within myself I have that strength to move through those fears and become everything I can be and more.
2. “If you resent being polished how can you become a mirror”. Within the need to be pleasing to my Master, there is a further desire to be a reflection of him, his ideals, his standards, his integrity, honesty, confidence, strength of character, dedication and commitment. I desire for my Master to see within me what I see in him. He makes me so happy and content and complete. I want to give him everything he desires and more besides. I have to. I have to in order to be true to myself.

Done. Finito!

Photo by Strength ~vs~ Weakness

The Roundtable: Gorean Lifestyle

Gather around the table everyone, I’d like to learn about something I don’t know a lot about. I welcome you to add your thoughts and comments to this post and if you feel an inclination, send me a guest post letting me know what you think.

This month we are talking the Gorean Lifestyle. I’d like to cover the online phenomenon and the real life adaptation of Gor. Here are some questions I have that I’d love answered.

• What are the characteristic traits of a kajira in Gor?
• What are the characteristic traits of a Master in Gor?
• What is the a Free Woman?
• Are male submissives part of Gor?
• How does a Gorean chat room operate? What’s it like?
• What is a Gorean relationship like in real life?
• What are the core values of a Gorean lifestyle?
• What makes a Gorean lifestyle different from a M/s or D/s relationship?
• Why are so many people critical about Gorean lifestyle choices?
• Anything else you’d like to share?

Don’t Assume Submissive Means Sister

You know you’ve entered online submissive ground when everyone you don’t know starts to refer to you as sister. It’s been years since I’ve ‘lived’ online but this is something that has always irked me. Recently on FetLife I saw a question that had an interesting twist to the whole sister submissive thing that I’d like to talk about. I pulled out the issue, but kept one part of the question that I’d like to base this post on.

As subs aren’t we suppose to support and care for our sub sisters? Or this a dog eat dog world where our sub sisters don’t care for each other?

First I’d like to respond to the question. We are all people, submissive or not. Just because you identify as submissive does not give you a membership card into the friendship club for me. Sure I’m going to care for you with the same care I give any person I meet. Just don’t expect me to care more because you are submissive. This isn’t always a dog eat dog world, but you can’t expect people to always treat you the way you treat them.

I don’t know you. I’m going to give you the same courtesy I give a stranger. Even acquaintances aren’t going to get the same treatment as a close friend. That’s just the way I work. If submissives treated each other with more care and support than others, then we’d have less crying over submissives stealing other Dominants, talking bad about others and the number of other really horrible things that people do to each other online.

What is the value of relating in this way?

For online submissives there is a huge value in having a sense of camaraderie and comfort with other people. Usually online submissives are exploring the only way they know how and they have a fantastical idea of what D/s is and how BDSM really works. This fantasy helps them create a buffer with the real world. Online becomes a perfect world where all submissives are docile and kneel for hours at a time, service is always graceful and takes 30 mins to get a coffee and Dominants and submissives get together at the simple suggestion.

So to have sub sisters to relate to online is a way of developing a family of people that you can go to and talk about concerns, struggles, questions and friendship. It’s part of the illusion of the lifestyle. In some respects, it can be healthy and helpful, especially if the sub sisters have real life experience they can share with the online submissives.

How did submissives get put in a higher plane than everyone else?

Related to the ‘dog eat dog world’ comment above, online submissives; and I’m sure some real life ones too, feel that because they are submissive that they are angels and not subject to being human. Not every person you  meet is genuine or kind. In fact some are down-right rude and disgusting. You just can’t live in a perfect world; even online.

So I think submissives got put on a higher plane for these submissives because they want to look for the perfect in everyone. Oh and you can pretend to be whoever you want online so they may appear perfect. Again, it’s part of the fantasy that is nurtured online.

My personal feelings on sister submissives

I don’t like to be called sister by people that aren’t my sister. I’ve never told someone not to call me sister, but I just tend to ignore it. I think the name gets tossed around too much for my preference.  My sister means more to me than my friends and I can’t see any of my friends becoming sister-like (except my childhood best friend). Now I could be wrong and I could change my opinion later in life, but I doubt it. I think part of the reason I have issues with it is because I have NEVER seen Dominants refer to themselves in the same way. Are they all Dominant brothers? Nope. There’s no reason to associate that way online or in real life.

Are there real life examples of sub sisters?

Ya know, I’m not really sure. I’ve not met anyone in real life that calls others their sister. Does it happen in poly households? Or maybe Gorean ones? Let me know! I’d be curious to have a guest post on the use of sister in real life BDSM or D/s relationships. If’ you’re interested, contact me!

Now Available: The Spanking Series in E-Book!

If you have ever wondered how you can get the spanking you’ve always wanted but wasn’t sure how to ask for it, there is a book for you. I was just offered the chance to review a copy of How to Get the Spanking You Want: The Complete Guide to Asking for It, Getting It & Making It Better by Vivian of The Disciplined Feminist. I’ve just been able to browse it so far and read the first chapter but I’m already impressed!

The book is an excellent read for anyone that is on the edge about asking for a spanking, understanding why you desire that spanking and how to get what you want once you have asked for it. The book really is that special. The language so far is easy to read and welcoming to the newcomer to spanking as a lifestyle choice. You won’t be disappointed. This wisdom can only come from someone with over 20 years experience and education and training in the field of gender roles and psychology.

Get your PDF copy of the book now!

From the info page:

Written in an honest, compassionate and easy-to-read style, this guide will share with you…

• The real reasons your partner may be reluctant to spank you that will surprise and even shock you! (page 89)
• Why the popular “I Love Lucy” method of teasing or “bratting” your partner into spanking you is virtually guaranteed to fail — and may even hurt your relationship! (page 41)
• How to stop being disappointed when your real-life spankings don’t measure up to your fantasies (page 20)
• What to do if your partner has already said “no” to spanking you (page 70)
• How to take a spanking — yes, there are special techniques for receiving as well as giving a good spanking! (page 120)
• Getting past your embarrassment about wanting to be spanked (page 16)
• What it really takes to build a satisfying spanking relationship (page 140)
• How to prepare for your first real spanking (page 99)
• What to do if you find yourself getting a spanking that’s more painful that you expected (page 134)
• Get spanked in public without getting your partner arrested (page 154)
• How to cope if you need a spanking and don’t have a partner
• The 7 steps to more satisfying spankings (page 140)
• How to safely get spanked if you have a history of childhood abuse
• Expanded 2nd edition — 12 additional pages of material!
• And much more!

Get your PDF copy of the book now!

Still not sure? Here’s an excerpt of the book:

“HOW TO GET THE SPANKING YOU WANT”
(www.HowToGetaSpanking.com, © Variant Books 2009, all rights reserved.  Used with permission.)

How to Take a Spanking

Most of the focus on spankings revolves around the way that spankings are given. And this is understandable.  After all, the person spanking is doing the obvious work in the situation.  He’s the one who has to know how to spank, how long to spank, how hard to spank, etc.  All you have to do is lay there and get your spanking.

Or so it seems.

Many people are surprised to learn that there is just as much of an art to taking a spanking as there is to giving one.  So while your partner is learning the art of spanking, you’ll want to learn the art of being spanked.

To learn how to take a spanking, let’s start with the most basic fact that often gets overlooked when you’re anticipating your first spanking…

Real spankings hurt

If you haven’t been spanked before, this often comes as a big shock.  But it’s true:  spankings hurt.  A lot.  Probably a lot more than you realize.

Spankings are, of course, supposed to hurt.  But it’s one thing to imagine that they’re going to hurt and quite another to experience that pain in real life on your very own tender and vulnerable bottom.

In our fantasies, we know that spankings hurt and we probably even imagine how much they hurt and what our reaction will be.  Perhaps we imagine that we cry and beg for mercy or resist the spanking and are forced to take it even though it hurts.  Or maybe we imagine being stoic and brave and keeping a “stiff upper lip” through a severe caning or paddling, like in those British boarding school movies.

But by and large, most of our fantasies focus on the other parts of a spanking – how deliciously embarrassing it would be to be, say, be spanked in front of your class at school, or the thrill of being turned over your partner’s knee and having your skirt flipped off and your bottom bared like a naughty little girl. Or countless other scenarios and details that contribute to the excitement of being spanked.

Which is why it can be a pretty rude awakening when you feel that first swat on your bottom and realize how extreme the pain really is.  To repeat: spankings (even “mild” ones) hurt.

If you aren’t ready for how much a spanking is going to hurt, you may have a pretty extreme reaction to the pain.  That’s because your survival instinct is pre-programmed to protest – strenuously – whenever it registers that you feel pain.  Your survival instinct doesn’t care that you’re turned on by spankings. That’s because it’s even stronger than your spanking desires. It just gets the signal from your bottom that you are feeling pain and does what it’s programmed to do – resist, get away, fight back or whatever feels safest and most likely to work at that instant.

This reaction, whatever it is, is likely to surprise you. You have wanted a spanking for so long and imagined it so often in your head that the idea that you would resist or not want the pain may catch you off guard.

And it may also be very upsetting or disturbing to your partner, whom you remember is probably still a bit nervous that he’s going to hurt you too much and get himself in trouble.

If you react very intensely to the pain of the spanking, you may be confirming for your partner all of his worst fears – that he is a closet abuser who has just done a terrible and unforgivable thing to you by hitting you and causing you pain (and yes, the darker fear that you will get angry with him and turn him in to the police for beating you).

If you have never been spanked before, you would be wise to assume going in that you’re going to have this extreme reaction to your first real spanking, no matter how much you want and need it.

To be safe, it’s important to talk with your partner beforehand about this possibility so that he’s prepared for whatever reaction you have and reassure him that you will not hold him responsible or accuse him of domestic abuse if your spanking hurts more than you realize.

In addition, you may want to talk with your partner in advance about bruising or marks on your skin.  Many spankers are fine with the spanking, and then become upset the next day when they see the results of their handiwork on their partner’s vulnerable skin.

I’m not going to tell you here that you should avoid bruising or marks. The truth is that most of the methods that claim to avoid bruising don’t work all that well and aren’t particularly reliable.  Iif you’re going to get spanked, you’re probably going to get bruised.  Your job is to make sure you’re okay with this, and then to make sure your partner knows you’re okay with it – or even excited by these lasting reminders of your spanking.

Real spankings can be shocking

In addition to hurting more than we might realize, spankings can be psychologically shocking, even if we’ve fantasized about them.

If we’ve never been spanked or hit before, the experience of being spanked – literally hit – can trigger intense emotions that go even deeper than our very deep desire to be spanked.

During your spanking, you may experience anything from panic and terror to extreme crying and feelings of helplessness.

None of these reactions means that you are wrong to want a spanking.  They just mean that your spanking has triggered some deeper emotions and instincts in you that you will need to deal with.

First of all, you may just be having the instinctive reaction to being hit that we talked about in the prior section.  We all have that primitive “fight or flight” reaction inside that is triggered whenever we feel physically or psychologically threatened.  The part of your brain that is designed to keep you safe by triggering this instinct may be doing its job, regardless of what the part of you that is turned on by the idea of being spanked says.

Second, spanking is also cathartic.  Because it’s an intense experience, getting a spanking can release all kinds of emotions that you are carrying around inside from the rest of your life that you haven’t expressed.

For example, if you’re having a difficult time at work, but haven’t given yourself permission to “let it out” and express your frustration,  you may find yourself letting it all out during your spanking.  You may find yourself crying a lot more than you (or your partner) believes is justified given the severity of your spanking.

If you find yourself in a catharsis during your spanking, my advice is to go with it and accept it as a blessing and a gift.  One of the wonderful, amazing parts of being spanked is the ability to let go of your responsible, strong self and let your vulnerable self show.  Cry like a baby, sob your guts out – let the spanking cleanse all of that negative emotion out of you.  Afterwards, you will probably feel like you went to a spa or had a nice massage!

So to help you take your spanking with grace and courage, even when you feel like you can’t stand another swat, what follows are some tips to help with the pain…

Get your PDF copy of the book now!

That’s not all though, she has a companion book written for the spanker titled, How to Give a Spanking: Advice from the Receiving End. I have this book as well to read and let you know what it’s like in a review coming later. If it’s anything like what I’ve read so far it will be well worth it.

If you buy both books today, you get 20% off! That’s a wonderful bundle deal, so don’t wait. Get these wonderful spanking resources now.

Chat Night Transcript From BDSM and Sex Talk – 8/25/09

Our first chat was a great success. Everyone gave permission to post the transcript and continue the conversation here. I loved every minute of interesting conversation. Read and enjoy!

<~luna[KM]> Alright, let’s get started. If you haven’t figured out, I’m luna. I started the site in January after I got tired of not finding what I wanted in all the sites online. I didn’t need the how to’s, but the whys.
<~luna[KM]> My goal with these chat nights is to share knowledge and information with each other to develop and grow in our submission.
<~luna[KM]> Tonight we are going to talk about BDSM and sex; if they are integral to our sexuality or if they can be separated as well as the whole perception in the community.
<~luna[KM]> In the reading for today we saw some people’s opinions as to whether sex and BDSM were separate things. What do you feel is the right way to explain it for yourself?
<hisowned1> it seemed to me that the gist of the articles–taken as a whole–was that sex is integral to a bdsm relationship….however, most bdsm relationships contain many other dimensions in addition to the sexual
<~luna[KM]> For me, in the beginning sex and BDSM were not the same, I was exploring and playing outside of a committed relationship, casually and did not want sex to be a part of it. I wanted the sensation and not the sexuality of it.
<~luna[KM]> Now that I’m in a relationship, I can not separate the two. BDSM is my sex and so much more.
<pet> i would have to agree with you luna
<hisowned1> most of our relationships probably involve the spiritual, psychological, emotional realms (should i include practical also?), in addition to sexual.  well, as luna has pointed out in some of her articles, there may be differences between solely online relationships and in-person relationships…
<~luna[KM]> Laura Goodwin (the first essay) said that it was absurd to think that sex and BDSM are separate things, that the whole reason we invite BDSM into our lives is for the sex. Now, most of what she is referring is the tactile play aspects of BDSM, but do you agree?
<~luna[KM]> Is BDSM sexual?
<pet> to me its one of many things
<~luna[KM]> You bring up a good point hisowned1. Can you really have a sexual experience online and consider it a BDSM sexual act?
<~luna[KM]> The critics will say that no, you can’t have a BDSM sex act online – that it’s just masochistic fantasy and masturbation.
<hisowned1> i think pet has something to contribute here.  pet, what are the ‘many things’ you refer to?
<hisowned1> …if i may ask…
<pet> would say for myself personally,  the service, the emotional aspect is also important to me
<hisowned1> yes, me too
<~luna[KM]> pet, do you feel that there is too much focus on the sexuality of BDSM when people talk about BDSM?
<pet> sometimes yes
<pet> to me personally there is so much to our lifestyle
<~luna[KM]> There are a lot of levels to the lifestyle, I would like to focus tonight on the physical act of play and it’s association with sex.
<~luna[KM]> When I talk with others that may not be as familiar with BDSM as they can be, I always get the perception that they think BDSM is just kinky sex.
<~luna[KM]> But when we as lifestyle and active participants get together, I see more of a separation between play and sex
<asweetpea123> at this point in my relationship with my Master all aspects interact at different levels.  Depending on the situation will depend on how deeply they react to the different aspects from sex to emotion etc
<~luna[KM]> So, can you play without sexual contact?
<pet> right, by what i have read, some definitely separate play and sex.
<~luna[KM]> sexual contact being genital touching
<radiogirl2009> oh of course
<radiogirl2009> I think so
<pet> i think so
<pet> also
<asweetpea123> yes
<radiogirl2009> my Master can play with me because he lives in my head
<radiogirl2009> my submission is in me
<~luna[KM]> Ok, so if the sensation receptors in your brain say that you are turned on, is it still sex or somehow it’s play?
<~luna[KM]> And if it is different, how do you discern the difference?
<asweetpea123> Wow
<asweetpea123> when you put it that way.
<hisowned1> how are we defining what ‘play’ means?
<radiogirl2009> okay, for me……… sex means a lot of different things
<radiogirl2009> and even though we have sex (phone sex, webcam sex) its in my mind
<~luna[KM]> play would be a set moment in time where two or more people are scening for the intent to experience sensations. This can be impact play, bondage or other forms of non-contact play.
<radiogirl2009> play……… is.. teasing
<asweetpea123> Ok my Master and I can have sex…touching in whatever way…but we can have no contact or “play” time from as far away as a phone or email where direction are given and yet I still feel the intensity as if it were physical.  He still controls me even far away
<radiogirl2009> oh yes
<~luna[KM]> If BDSM is considered part of the sexual arena, why is it not included in more vanilla ideas of sex?
<asweetpea123> ?
<~luna[KM]> If we go on the assumption the BDSM and sex are not separate, why don’t we see more mainstream sexual encounters echo what we do?
<asweetpea123> People are afraid of stereotype…beating abuse dominance have a very negative opinion in the world
<asweetpea123> It is lack of knowledge that keep people from understanding the deep strong positive connection
<pet> yes it does im afraid.  though i do have a friend who is very understanding and supportive.
<asweetpea123> media puts those words in prison/court/negative from an abusive husband/spouse and people stop looking farther…past the end of their nose
<~luna[KM]> So, can we say that BDSM is sensual more than sexual? Since we can have sex without BDSM and have discussed earlier that people can have BDSM without sex?
<~luna[KM]> It is unfortunate that the media has trouble accepting us, but the media is still working through homosexual acceptance, I fear that kink acceptance is further down the list.
<asweetpea123> BDSM is sensual for me.  Very much so.  to be so deeply controlled by someone who wants so desperately to control me…is sensual and loving..
<pet> i feel it is very sensual,  because of the close connection between Dom and sub.
<asweetpea123> I would agree…media has come a long way but they have a long way to go
<~luna[KM]> how about you radiogirl2009? is what you’ve experienced more sensual or sexual?
<pet> yes they do.
<asweetpea123> The Master watches out for you…when he decides on something he has already through for you…he knows you better than you do…how is that for sensual..
* ~luna[KM] smiles. It’s a good analogy asweetpea123
<pet> yes Sir reads me like a book.  sometimes i think he knows me better than i know myself sometimes
<radiogirl2009> well it greatly depends on my perception I guess
<radiogirl2009> Playing (not actually touching)  for me is mainly mental…. and that is extremely sensual
<radiogirl2009> however, when he gets the flogger out…… its pure SEXUAL
<asweetpea123> again it is a mental sensation…even in flogging…anyone can hit you…but a Master who incites this is thinking of you when he does the flogging or allows the flogging to take place…that becomes sensual
<asweetpea123> It is no different than the circle of life or ebb and flow.  one creates the other…without one the other is nto
<asweetpea123> not
<~luna[KM]> Great points all of them.
<~luna[KM]> You can mix sensual and sexual into BDSM, like a cocktail.
<hisowned1> asweetpea, that was beautifully put above—your post about the circle of life and ebb and flow.  lovely.  and true
<asweetpea123> Thank you hisowned1
<~luna[KM]> Now, I’ve been to a few parties and one party I’ve been too, doesn’t allow penetration of any kind. Others do, how does that change the way we could view sex and BDSM?
<asweetpea123> I feel that again if no penetration is allowed that does not matter.  The Master controls the Sensual/Sexual intensity of the situation…
<~luna[KM]> For Master and myself, we prefer to keep our sex private, but we are okay sharing the SM play at parties.
<asweetpea123> your sexual satisfaction is directed by Master no surroundings
<~luna[KM]> It makes for a rather interesting argument when we say that BDSM and sex are the same thing and yet we can fracture it like that for play parties.
<asweetpea123> His Sexual Satisfaction is directed by him
<asweetpea123> LOL yes it does…but a duck is a duck
<pet> i would feel the same way, i would much prefer to keep our sex private

photo by Dano

A Switch of the D/s Lifestyle

This is another guest post by Christian, a switch male in a D/s relationship.

(If you would like to submit a guest post to Submissive Guide, please read the guidelines before contacting me, thanks!)

It seems there is a lot of interest in switches on the Internet, and being a switch myself I can speak on that a fair amount. But allow me to say I am only one switch in a world of switches. Switches are completely different the world around. So what I say here will certainly not apply to other switches.

When I was introduced to this lifestyle officially by the local D/s group where I live I was told there were “dominants” and “submissives”. That was it. Nothing about switches. Later on once I learned a few things and met some other people in the group I learned there was also something called “switches” and what that meant to be a switch. I immediately knew that was me.

Like most people in this life growing up was incredibly difficult dealing with my strange thoughts. One moment I was thinking about making a girl do things for me, and the next in my thoughts I was being ordered to do them for her. It was confusing to have these conflicting thoughts and going from one extreme to the other in a matter of moments did not help.

When I was finally more aware of the community, there was a lot of negative attitudes toward switches. It was thought they had no clear idea about if they wanted to be, submissive or dominant. And “Why can’t they make up their mind?” sort of an attitude. There is still quite a negative stigma about this and no one in my local group of D/s people will admit to being a switch (including me). Hopefully my online personae is never realized by anyone locally. I am not sure if this is just a local thing or if it extends worldwide? I would like to hear from other people on different parts of this world to know…

To be sure there is only one side of my switchiness at a time. I am either submissive or dominant. Never both at the same time! That is just me and maybe some others will feel different?

To clarify my own thoughts on the different variety of switches, here is how I see it. First there are the D/s only switches. These switches either don’t include BDSM in their lives, or are only dominant or submissive in the bedroom. Then there are the BDSM switches which are just the opposite of what I just described. Then there are the D/s and BDSM switches (I am sorry I can’t think of another way to describe this. Perhaps someone may enlighten me if there is some “official” way to describe the switch varieties). This last variety is me, however my owner does not allow switching in D/s for me. This is a big sacrifice for a switch believe me.

Something I get asked at times is how the actual “switch” (the verb, not the noun) occurs and what that feels like. Well the switch happens one of two ways for me. Again I am only one switch. Others experiences will vary. But the switch happens either with a sudden rapidness that really can take ones breath away! Or it happens gradually over a
period of time. Most of the time it occurs for me in a gradual way and this is for certain preferable for a number of reasons, not the least of which is it makes it easier for my owner to recognize. This is also preferable as the sudden changes are enough to give one “mental whiplash” at times! As for what it feels like, it is strictly a mental process. It is just one moment I am my usual submissive self, and the next I am thinking about how good it would be to have a submissive at my whim.

When my owner or me recognizes I am “switched” it is often an inconvenience for both of us. For her it is like she is denied use of me for the moment (as I am no longer submissive). For me it is a big inconvenience as well since it is a break in my level of service that is intolerable (because it is intolerable to her).  Like I said I am not allowed switching in D/s. But at such times I have to relieve it in some way or things get worse. This is where my wife’s live-in female submissive comes in handy. At one time before she had her, my wife filled the role of submissive to me in BDSM only. I applaud her efforts but as one who is strictly dominant it was hard for her to be
that way. Just like with me as a switch.. There are just times that I am completely NOT submissive (when “switched” specifically). That is a large portion of the reason for the acquisition of this other submissive along with the fact that my owner just wished for a female submissive anyway.

My thoughts are a switch actually does not make the ideal full-time submissive. This is not a case of self-pity or something like that. It is just fact. If you are even remotely like me (a switch of the ways) than you will never be 100% of the time at service. You will have to spend a small portion of the time “switched” to the dominant side, and inconvenience your owner like me. It is disappointing but it is something I am used to and so is my owner. It is a heart-wrenching experience when one would just as soon be at service all the time if possible. Something I should be clear on is when I switch I don’t think about how unsatisfactory it is with my owner. The only thing I
am thinking about is having one at my feet. At my will. There are no thoughts about service. Or pleasing my owner at all. That is awash with my newfound dominance. The submissive me is completely wiped from the slate only to return once I have that side of me satisfied (or it just fades after a really long while). So at the time it is not heart wrenching as I say. Only afterwards when the fire is gone and I am back to “me” that I feel disappointed.

Sometimes I get asked what percentage submissive or dominant I am. This is a strange and confusing question for me and impossible to answer. When I switch I am 100% dominant. And the other way I am 100% submissive. Not one bit the other way, and never will be. This is actually a bit of a sensitive subject since my switchability is so hard to explain anyway. Those that are fully submissive or fully dominant (I envy you by the way) have a hard time wrapping their heads about the mindset of a switch. I don’t blame you, as often I am as perplexed as you! But this is the best way I can describe such things and if it is still unclear then I am not doing well at explaining a thing that at times is very complex. It is no easy task by any means.

I welcome any questions either through this site or in private and will answer them the best I know how.

Regards,
Christian

P.S. Yes I know I used a few words like “switchiness” and “switchability” that are in fact not words in the English language, but that is the best words I could use to say those things.

I am a switch male of the D/s lifestyle for the past 14 years. I was introduced to the lifestyle and the society that at that time was extremely underground at 18 years of age.  I was raised (unbeknownst to me until just recently) in a D/s household as well. In addition my grandparents also were of the lifestyle. I am currently collared to my owner of 10 years who is bi-sexual and also has another female submissive. You can contact me at christian0539@gmail.com

photo by Redvers

Living with Kids While in the D/s Lifestyle

This is a guest post by Christian. He  is a switch male of the D/s lifestyle for the past 14 years.

For my first post here I am going to write about something I get asked a fair bit. How does one raise kids in a D/s household? As one with several kids I thought I should talk just a moment on this. It does interest me how others deal with this so I would like to know how others feel as well.

My own history of being raised in a D/s household (unbeknownst to me) my entire life also puts me in a unique position to speak on this as well. It is obvious to me now how my folks are and the thought had crossed my mind once I became aware there was a whole underground community at the age of 18. But until it was stated clearly I would have never known for sure.

In most ways my owner and I approach this thing very much as my parents did. They did as much as possible to shield me from their unique lifestyle as do we. And just like they did I imagine there will be a day when I (or my owner) will have an honest open conversation about such things. I want them to know there is a lifestyle that exists like this, and make their own decisions about what to do with that knowledge. Unlike my mother though, I will try to tell them at some point in their life when it will be helpful to them if they need that. I suspect one or two of them may be exactly like us. As an adolescent I struggled with my strange thoughts and feelings. It never even occurred to me there were others like me. And it was happening right in my own home! It would have been some helpful knowledge at that time.

But for now it is my priority as a parent to not spoil their innocence in any way. It is a precious thing and my children are a far higher priority then this life I lead. Don’t misunderstand, we are very serious about our lifestyle, and it does not take a break ever. But when it comes to my children they just don’t need to know about this thing right now.

It must be ridiculously obvious to my children who “wears the pants” in the family. But they think only that. I don’t address my owner with things like “mistress” or even call her my “owner” with the children about. We do have ways of communicating that are our secret way when they are about. We have code words for different things that mean one thing to an uninvolved bystander but a completely other thing to us.

There are obvious and subtle ways that one can serve without making ones submission obvious. You are just simply fulfilling the things that need to be done about the house. Like making breakfast, picking up the kids from school, doing the grocery shopping, and a thousand other mundane tasks your owner may not particularly enjoy. While those of us who enjoy service will be very happy to do those things.

Now BDSM play is a whole other matter entirely of course. I know this sort of thing is probably not an option for a lot of people, but this is one reason we hired a nanny for the kids. She manages to keep them busy and away from the house on activities quite often. And even our teenager enjoys going out with them from time to time, but being a teenager she also has her own life and priorities at the moment, and most times that does not involve hanging around her boring parents. Most of the time she goes out with her girlfriend and they are gone for as long as we allow her.

There are numerous things in BDSM that one can do to be discreet while living with children. Wax play, needles, bondage on its own is quiet of course, and if you want to do the spanking thing there are numerous implements that are themselves silent. Now keeping a sub quiet is another matter entirely but that is where a good ball gag comes in handy. There is also something called figging, which by a quick look around the Internet I see has become quite popular.

So having kids can be a challenge in this lifestyle but I do recommend being honest with them at some point in their life. They deserve to come to this knowledge just as much as other things in this life. What they choose to do with said knowledge should be up to them. Try not to be disappointed when they choose one way or the other too. Remember they are doing that because it makes them happy. You will have to trust them that they (or their owner) will keep themselves safe.

These are just some of my varied thoughts on this. I hope to hear from others on their opinions. Thank you.

Christian is a switch male of the D/s lifestyle for the past 14 years. He was introduced to the lifestyle and the society that at that time was extremely underground at 18 years of age.  He was raised (unbeknownst to him until just recently) in a D/s household as well. In addition his grandparents also were of the lifestyle. Christian am currently collared to his owner of 10 years who is bi-sexual and also has another female submissive. You can contact him at christian0539@gmail.com

Juggling Daily Life and Submission

We all have responsibilities in life. The family needs to be taken care of and fed, you have to work, pay the bills and keep the home repaired. Kids have to be cared for and carted around from games to classes to other outings. There are days you feel that there aren’t enough hours in the day and you haven’t even had time to say hello to your Dominant let alone serve him as you’d like to. How is it really possible that all the stories you hear about submission really happen? Are they living in a vacuum?

Once the fantasy of ideal submission settles and the excitement of trying something new fades you realize that life will continue whether you are submissive or not. The real truth is that you can be submissive during all of your everyday too; just toned down or hidden. As I’ve said here before, submission in a lifestyle sense isn’t what you do, it’s who you are. You can’t just take off the submissive hat. Here we are, living as we need to do and submitting. That is the new ideal.

So, when you go to work or make dinner you are still serving your Dominant with everything you do. Perhaps you work to pay bills. This helps provide your Dominant and yourself (with family) someplace to live and enjoy life together. Turn on that internal voice that continues to say, ‘What would my Dom think of this action or that behavior?’ As you hear it throughout the day, make the judgement calls based on what he or she would say. Change the way you think about everything you do.

It is true that the struggles of life can get in the way of play time or frequent sex or intense D/s sessions. We all suffer it from time to time. What is still true in those instances is that you are still submissive. You may not be showing it outwardly as often but it’s there because it’s a part of you. All throughout the blogosphere and in conversations on groups you hear of submissives struggles with times that life gets in the way of their dream. Never give up of that dream; but realize that priorities change.

What? Do I mean that after all the talk of submission being who you are that you can decide not to be submissive? No. What I mean is that just like everything else in life, it ebbs and flows. Some moments will feel very submissive to you and others the submission will be just a hint of your self. Accepting that the ideal life can’t be everyday all day is just a part of growth and development. Sometimes you will be a parent first and submissive second, you could be employee first and then spouse with just a hint of submission.

The important thing to remember is that the submission is still there! Just like how you were before you found submission as your calling (however strong it is), you can be just as successful of a person with just a hint of submission than when it’s flaming out in radiance of your submissive.

I may be living the perfect life for me, but it’s not for everyone. Find that perfect balance for you.

How do you juggle your daily life and your needs to be submissive? I’d really like to know how you accomplish it.

photo by jayniebell

Dating in the Lifestyle; What’s the Big Deal?

“It’s so hard to find someone in the Lifestyle that I’m compatible with. You are so lucky to have found someone.”

I don’t know how many times I hear this on a daily basis when conversing. It always brings up my view on the whole dating atmosphere within the Lifestyle. Yes, it is hard to find that special partner who will give you what you want and compliment you in every aspect. However, think back to when you were dating in the vanilla realm. Was it just as hard? Some of you will say no, some will say yes. Those of you that say no, why is that you think?

(Why it seems like there are so few perspective partners to choose from is a different issue.)

Here’s what my opinion is on the subject. Vanilla dating seemed so much easier because we were not upfront and forward about what we needed and wanted in a relationship. Most regular dates I went on before finding my Master never included even the type of person I was looking for physically, let alone telling the person what you wanted in bed or out of the relationship as a whole. You just don’t talk about those things on dates until you both decide to try the relationship thing. In vanilla relationships, what you want and need is usually secretive at first, if expressed at all. Is it hard to find a partner in a vanilla world? Hell yes.

The difference with a BDSM or Lifestyle relationship is that we practically introduce ourselves with a checklist and wants and needs list. We come to the date and begin asking those direct questions of: what are you looking for in a Dom/sub? What do you see the ideal relationship being? What do you like to do during scene?

I feel that we approach a Lifestyle date very differently than we would in a vanilla context. Think about it the next time you are out on a new date. What do you talk about, what do you share with this stranger that you met not long ago? Now how would you go on a similar date with someone in a vanilla relationship? Would you be as upfront to them? No, most likely not. Why is that? You don’t want to scare them away, make them think you are a freak? Many other excuses come to mind.

So, you are thinking, if we come to people up front and share what we want and who we are, why is it still so hard to find the one we need in our lives? Simple, compatibility is hard. We are open with people from the start and so we shuffle through perspective people faster than traditional relationship cycles. This makes us feel like we will never find someone that works for us. It brings us down and envious of people that have found someone to be with, even for a time.

How we approach a Lifestyle date vs. a traditional date is what affects the way we find a partner. Some are looking for play partners, and we express that rather immediately with a Lifestyle date; however in a traditional date you wouldn’t say that you were just looking for someone for the sack and not expect to get slapped or called some offensive names. Those of us looking for relationships we sit down for our dates and talk about what we want and need in a relationship, right down to specifics. We get to know what the other person wants and needs, how they act in situations, how they see themselves and who they want to be years down the road. We know what they are like right way and can decide rather quickly if they will be a decent partner or not. A traditional date is superficial. It’s called date talk. Basically its small talk, where neither party really volunteers any sort of information that would be beneficial to learning if that person is compatible. They just want to get out of the date or make it to the next. Traditional dating is a longer process of getting to know one another, opening up and finding out that the person you’ve been seeing for months isn’t compatible with what you are looking for on one level or another.

Dating is dating. It’s not easy and how we approach is affects the outcome. A BDSM relationship is there for everyone. It’s not easy, but neither is a vanilla relationship. Once you adjust your thinking to how we go about dating and the changes in life that the Lifestyle brings upon us you will see that finding a partner is never easy. Once you do find that special one, you will be grateful for all the hard work.