Up in Flames: The Basics of Fireplay

This is another guest post for the BDSM Play Feature here on SubmissiveGuide. This post about Fire Play is by Gwendolyn. Enjoy!

I have always been a fire bug and am a volunteer fire fighter. So when I became interested in BDSM and heard about fire play it was definitely top of my list of things to try. As soon as I did I was hooked on it. There are many things that can be part of a fire play scene and I will be going over what I have experience in or know a lot about due to research.

Now, there are some things you should know about fire play. Check out the references of the tops offering it. Fire is dangerous. Yea, you may say well.. duh..  But, if you are a submissive like me, you will put all of your trust into your Top/Dom and sometimes not challenge what they doing.  I learned that by not asking about every detail of the fire play aka negotiating out your scene, you are asking to be damaged.  I have scars to prove this point. So if someone brings out a propane torch, end the scene right there.

One of the questions I tend to get often from people who have not tried fire play yet, are how do I handle the pain? Everyone has different techniques, what I have found to be most effective is focus upon your breathing. This works on any kind of play.  Find a focal point and breathe slowly. If part of the safety precaution is to have your head against a support/safety person then close your eyes and still breathe slowly.

If you would like to get in contact with me, please feel free to add me on Fetlife (SehAnru), or email me directly at gwendolynhopping@gmail.com.

Disclaimer: Do Not attempt fire play on yourself, and especially not alone if you are not experienced already. If you do, you are doing so at your own risk, and I, nor Submissive Guide nor anywhere else that this may be posted are to be held responsible for any damages that may occur. Thank you.

Safety Equipment/Precautions: People use varied types of equipment, there are the Nomex hoods used by fire fighters, fire blankets, all the way down to wet wash cloths. As a submissive/bottom don’t be afraid to ask about protective gear. Your safety should always be number one. Make sure your hair is out of the way when doing any kind of flogging or whipping. If you know you will be participating in such a scene, do not use hair spray or perfumes/colognes. Even some lotions have been known to be flammable.

Fire flogging: This is the most common which includes a  flogger made out of Kevlar rope/wicks and some have knots at the end of them not only for the stingy factor but also prevents the ropes from coming unraveled. This I have experienced many times both on my back and upon my front. It is a little more sting than a usual flogger made of leather mostly due to the knots, but the heat is incredible as it isn’t constant, but flashes.  If you have never tried this before, I would recommend just starting out on your back.

Fire Fleshing: This is where designs are made upon your body with the fuel and then set on fire then quickly blown out, wiped out, or smothered with a fire blanket.  The tools used for this vary. Some use drumsticks wrapped in Kevlar, some create pens with a Kevlar wick, and many other creative tools have been made and used. There is more than just Kevlar that can be used, but this is what I am most familiar with. This too I have had experience with both on my back, and front, and even upon my labia. Now, that.. was interesting. Though a note of caution, fire does suck out the moisture in your skin, this includes your sensitive lips, testicles, whatever you may use it on. Have moisturizer with you.. I had shriveled little lips and that was the strangest thing I have ever experienced.

Fire Whipping: Everything with fire is dangerous, but in my opinion this is the most dangerous manner of fire play as it is a single tail whip that is on fire. Some are made with leather and a Kevlar popper at the end, and some also make them completely out of a Kevlar blend then use an aluminum handle, and Kevlar popper. So far I have experienced this once and definitely will be going back for more, but it is not for anyone who does not have a high pain tolerance as it does mark, and can cut the skin.

Fire Cupping: This is an age old medical practice seen most commonly in the Oriental though has been known to pop up all over the world. Some use this as a way of blood letting, while others use it for a manner of reverse acupressure. I have not personally tried this yet, though I have heard many good things about it. Fire cups are relatively inexpensive and can be found in many places online. Always do your research on safety precautions before ever trying something like this.

Flash Paper/cotton: This has had mixed reviews from Fire Master’s and Mistress’s as when it ignites it can cause 3rd degree burns if not placed correctly aka too close together. I would recommend getting: “Flames of Passion: Handbook of Erotic Fire Play.” By David Walker and Robert Rubel with a Forward by Jay Wiseman who I have met personally.

Fire Drumming: This is where fire wands are set on fire and they are drummed against the body in rhythmic manner. This is intense as well as relaxing. Odd combination I know, but it’s true.  Think of it as a heavy Florentine flogging. So yummy.

Here is a neat little parlor trick which is cheap and easy to try, Alberto V05 mouse is flammable. Do not put this in your hair and get close to fire, we don’t want a Michael Jackson or Richard Pryor re-enactment. Make a spiral design, or any design of interest and light it. It can barely be felt, but has a very cool effect. Wipe and rinse, and repeat if you would like.

Always play safe!!

~Gwendolyn Hopping Aka SehAnru

Gwendolyn is an old fashioned Irish service oriented slave in Oregon who has been involved in the S&M part of BDSM for a little over a year now and have been involved in the DS portion of BDSM since she was 9 (Had a Domme for a mother.)So she know a lot about service. She also am a stay at home wife who works on our poly farm,  loves to craft, and is working towards writing my first of many novels. She is quite easy to get along with, and is always open to new friendships so feel free to contact her anytime.

Photo by photos8.com

The Top 30 Posts of 2009

A year ago I started a small blog project called Submissive Guide. I wanted it to be an organized place where I could voice my opinions about submission, help novices discover who they are and explore BDSM through the written word. Since that time it has grown to so much more, including an e-book, a newsletter and video posts.

To celebrate one year of excellent writing I wanted to showcase the top 30 posts of 2009. I’ve noted in the link if the author was a guest post. Please take a look at what has had the most views since starting out one year ago. You may have missed a few gems!

1. What is slave training?
2. Rituals that Work
3. 2 Weeks to Better Submissive Positions
4. Best Submissive Blogslist
5. The Difference Between Bottom, Masochist, Submissive and Slave
6. 7 Things You Can Do Today to Improve Your Submission
7. Discovering Your Submissive Nature
8. How to Beg When Asked
9. Mapping Out Your Ideal Submission
10. A Great Example of a Slave’s Rosary
11. Learning To Kneel (from 2 Weeks to Better Submissive Positions)
12. The Importance of Rules
13. Beginning Your Training Resume
14. Dominance as a Slave Training Tool for Better Submission
15. Caring For Yourself After a Scene: Self-Aftercare
16. The BDSM Checklist That Will Really Help You
17. Offering Your Body for Service (from 2 Weeks to Better Submissive Positions)
18. What it Means to be an Owned Kajira by dina
19. The Nitty Gritty of the BDSM Lifestyle
20. 5 Ways to Recognize Topping from the Bottom
21. Another 7 Things You Can Do Today to Improve Your Submission
22. Your Bathing Regime
23. Where to Buy a Collar Online
24. The Importance of Journaling Your Submission
25. Pet Play and Human Pets Primer by skylerpet
26. The Realities of Online Submission
27. Two Dominants by Aria
28. Submission By Choice: Learned Submission
29. Sub Drop’s Emotional Side
30. 10 Helpful Websites for the Busy Submissive

Here’s to another year of great content!

SkylerPet’s Helpful Holiday Hints

This post is another guest post by Skylerpet. You can read her other posts here. She’s wants to help us all get through the holidays with less stress. Here’s some tips to help you. If you have other tips for holiday stress, please leave them in the comments!

With the holiday season in full swing, things can get pretty hectic.  It seems like there’s always more things to do, a list left unfinished.  So I thought I’d share a few tips that I’ve learned over the years to make things go a little smoother.  As submissives it’s important for us to be able to get through these things with as few mishaps as possible, so that we may serve our Master’s better and insure their holidays are most enjoyable.

Around the house:

• Don’t be afraid to ask if guests will be bringing children.  If they are, make sure your home is child safe.  Put breakables up and out of the way, have plastic safety plugs in the electrical outlets, things of that nature.
• Have a place set aside for guests coats, such as a bedroom and a mat for shoes, if weather will be inclement, to keep your floor clean.  Don’t be afraid to put up a “please remove your shoes” sign for those who like to wear shoes inside.
• It’s perfectly okay to use paper plates, especially if they’re biodegradable.
• Make sure to have an extra roll of bathroom tissue and plenty of handsoap available in your bathroom.  Also, having an extra hand towel is not a bad idea. (Not your best ones either! They will be used a lot.)
• If you have your computer on, make sure it’s password protected so nosey relatives or curious children don’t find things they don’t need to.
• Make sure to use surge protectors when plugging in your Christmas tree lights.  Safety first!

In the kitchen:

• Buy your meat in bulk and separate it into 1 lb sections.  Freeze in freezer bags.
• Do a major cleanout of your fridge and cupboards a week or two ahead of time, so there’s room for leftovers.
• Make sure you know about any allergies and other dietary restrictions of your guests.
• Use whole wheat flour for baking.  It’s healthier, tastes better and bakes better.
• Make sure to accept offers for guests to bring dishes.
• Using generic brands is an okay thing.  It saves money and most of them taste the same as name brands.
• Frozen veggies and fruits are an excellent alternative to the fresh varieties.  They last longer, are cheaper and taste just the same.

Miscellaneous:

• Cut up and hemmed flannel shirts make excellent washable napkins.
• Use masking tape to put dates on leftovers you plan on freezing.  It’s easy to remove so you won’t have to cross it out on the Tupperware.
• Ground turkey is a lighter and usually cheaper alternative to ground beef.  The taste difference is not noticeable.
• Use different colored disposable cups for alcoholic versus non-alcoholic drinks.

Make sure to do something special for your Master! Something like a food dish that has special meaning to just you and Him could be subtle but still have meaning.

In the end, the holidays are about family.  And they’re going to understand that things can’t be perfect.  So if you have to put a pile of magazines behind the chair in the living room or use paper plates or if you don’t dust the top of the book cases, family is family and they will understand.

Skylerpet is a 24/7 submissive pup in her late 20’s. She has been into pet play since she discovered the D/s lifestyle and can be reached at: requiemskye@yahoo.com for emails and also YIM chat.

photo by mysza831

Chat Night Transcript for Speaking Submissively

This chat was held on December 2nd, 2009.

~lunaKM> So tonight I wanted to talk about speech and how the way we communicate can impact our submission.

Nia> tonight’s topic really struck a chord with me

angel> same here

~lunaKM> I’ve been doing a bit of non-scientific research of my own when I am out and about and am appalled at the way we talk to each other anymore.

~lunaKM> It’s like the care and respect for strangers no longer exists.

~lunaKM> But furthermore, how we talk to our family has also gone downhill.

~lunaKM> We can take our submissive nature (whether learned or natural) and use it to bring back grace and charm to conversation.

~lunaKM> You can feel free to chime in any time thoughts pop into your head, this is an open discussion.

angel> :)

angel> i didn’t want to interrupt

Nia> ty, luna

angel> i agree with you. i’ve notice how even friends in public speak to one another…

~lunaKM> I’d like to touch on gossiping, vulgarities, person bashing and docile speech with your partner

Nia> i concur…observing my and other’s speech at work shames me

angel> my Sir always tells me that you can speak about anything, but it’s how it’s presented that makes the difference

~lunaKM> Exactly and we can cover that first since you brought it up.

~lunaKM> What’s the difference between these to requests:

~lunaKM> a. I’m going to the store Sir.

~lunaKM> b. May I go to the store Sir?

angel> b is a request. a is telling/more aggressive

Nia> i see (a) as information and (b) as a request for permission

~lunaKM> You are both correct.

Nia> i think (a) would be appropriate only as a response to a question from my Mama as to where I am going?

~lunaKM> a was the more aggressive way to voice your need to go to the store.

angel> yes…i also like Nia’s (a) too :)

~lunaKM> :)

angel> i’ll have to admit, though, sometimes it’s hard

~lunaKM> With just a slight change we can turn our requests into questions or suggestions. Words that still give your Dominant the upper hand.

Nia> yes, i agree

~lunaKM> It’s totally hard, I struggle with it all the time.

angel> oh, good. it’s not just me

Nia> i have been away from my Mama for a year…we just got back together a few weeks ago and the transition is harder than i thought

angel> i’m in the same boat with you Nia. my relationship is long distance and i fall out of it at times

angel> the speech, i mean

~lunaKM> Ok, how about these two phrases…(I’m making them up as I go)

~lunaKM> a. The house needs to be repainted.

~lunaKM> b. I’m going to paint the house.

Nia> (a) is definitely more passive in tone

angel> (a) gives the Dominant a chance to respond either yes or no. (b) takes that way

Nia> however, (b) does mean that i am taking responsibility for this chore

~lunaKM> A allows a dialog to be opened up and the Dominant to make decisions.

~lunaKM> If it is your responsiblity to maintain the outside of the house, sure it might be okay, but a cost incurred for doing so may not be.

Nia> (b) does take the risk of offending your Domme

~lunaKM> It sure does

angel> i agree

~lunaKM> Speaking passively is a safer route to take when talking directly to your Dominant.

~lunaKM> Of course it’s something that comes naturally.

Nia> do you feel that it would be the same at home as in public?

~lunaKM> Nia, do you mean in conversations with your Dominant or with everyone?

Nia> with everyone, my Mama and i work together

~lunaKM> There are always occasions where passive speech just will not work

~lunaKM> Times where authority or responsibility is necessary to claim in order to make your point. But in a relationship where your submission is on display, it’s better to be subordinant in speech as well as deed.

~lunaKM> And of course this won’t work for everyone in every relationship.

angel> i think it’s the Dominant who sets the tone as well. sometimes He/She will allow you to take more verbal control of a situation. but i agree in a D/s setting it’s safer to be softer in speech

~lunaKM> My Master hates it when I say, “Whatever you’d like” (being passive) He wants to know my opinion before making decisions and giving him no options frustrates the living daylights out of him.

Nia> i am a switch and also have a sub boi, so i have to change up several times a day

angel> that’s interesting Nia. is your boi with you while you are with your Domme?

Nia> “whatever you like” drives me crazy too, i try to make suggestions, but leave it up to my Mama to set my priorities each day

Nia> so i want to learn how to keep things transparent with my speech, to emphasize my status with each of them in a non-violent manner

angel> i imagine that it is tough to switch verbal gears in that situation. i find it hard to do coming from work :) i try to stop and think of who i am speaking to (my Sir) before responding.

~lunaKM> So you could get really good with switching from passive to active speech. Set it up to an artform!

Nia> and i have 2 teenage daughters who are finding themselves…menopause on top of all of that! whew!

~lunaKM> lol, quite a handful

angel> lol..tough all the way around

~lunaKM> So, how about we move in to gossiping

~lunaKM> What do you feel about gossip?

angel> it’s a fine line between gossiping and sharing

Nia> it’s funny that when my co-workers are gossiping and i’m not, they seem to feel threatened…that i think i’m better than them by refusing to join the conversation

~lunaKM> I think a lot of gossiping is unrequested information about someone else. I used to be a huge gossip girl.

Nia> but i feel that gossip is usually more about the person who is gossiping

~lunaKM> I’d term that as bragging Nia

angel> how did you stop yourself from gossiping, luna?

Nia> not really, i don’t think that i am better than them…they just think that

Nia> yes, how did you stop, luna?

~lunaKM> Well, It wasn’t easy really. I decided that if the information wasn’t about me, that I had no right to share it.

angel> didn’t you feel like you would explode?

angel> :)

~lunaKM> So no matter how badly I wanted to talk about what happened at the party, etc, if it wasn’t me then it wasn’t my story.

Nia> true that

~lunaKM> At first I did feel that way; then I realized that I was not showing myself in a good light if I could simply talk about everyone else without a care for their thoughts.

angel> hmmm…makes perfect sense.

~lunaKM> I now get so many people wanting to share themselves with me because they know I will guard their trust

Nia> how do you keep from getting drawn into the gossip of others?

~lunaKM> And that really is more important.

~lunaKM> Well, I tend to shut gossip down pretty fast. I just tell them that I won’t talk about people that aren’t part of the conversation since we could be getting the facts wrong.

Nia> excellent point and idea

angel> yes, that is a good statement to use-it’s not harsh but puts a spin on it that others may not get the facts right either

~lunaKM> I’ve had to counter that once when someone kept going and asked them why they felt the need to talk about something that could hurt someone else’s reputation/feelings.

~lunaKM> I’ve wanted to say, ‘Is your life really that boring that we have to talk about other people?’

Nia> there are always 2 sides to every story…sometimes more

~lunaKM smirks

Nia> bravo

angel> :)

~lunaKM> I mean gossip is meant to puff up the person gossiping and tear down the person they are talking about, is it not?

Nia> there is so much that i can share about myself and listening to others sharing about themselves…why bring 3rd parties into it?

~lunaKM> So why do they need that inflated ego?

angel> good points

Nia> cursing, or as you called it “vulgarities”, is a character defect i am really struggling with now

Nia> any advice?

~lunaKM> Well, don’t laugh but I make up words instead of using curse words.

~lunaKM> So Jesus Christ has always been jimminey cricket

angel> i have to admit, the only time i do curse is during “relations”. i guess that’s not good either

angel> lol..cute luna

~lunaKM> lol, I can curse all I want during play/sex… it’s a turn on for both of us

Nia> lol…sorry i had to laugh :)

~lunaKM> That’s okay, sometimes Master repeats the word and I realize just how silly it sounds, but it keeps me from getting in trouble for cursing

Nia> for me it more about controlling my speech when i am angry/frustrated…the words just jump out before i can edit them

~lunaKM> Ah well that’s just as hard.

~lunaKM> The only thing for that is tempering…. mental counting before expressing your anger or frustration.

~lunaKM> It’s not something I’m good at yet (thus the fake curse words)

Nia> my Mama just gives a look, and i feel so ashamed

angel> good advice. taking a deep breath. think jimminey cricket

~lunaKM> lol

Nia> hehe

~lunaKM> the one that Master hates is when he says Son of a.. and I finish it with beehive!

angel> LOL

Nia> my youngest daughter charges me a quarter, fifty cents on sundays…i think i’ve paid for her college tuition this year

~lunaKM> that’s a good incentive if it makes a difference, although if you’ve paid tuition then it must not be so good.

angel> lol…money usually works. at least it benefits someone

Nia> well, i yell a lot during football games

Nia> but seriously, i realize how verbally abusive i can be, and want to change

~lunaKM> This is something that you can work on with your Dominant if you ask for help.

angel> maybe if you picture the look from your Mama before you say it, it will help you to cut down on it.

~lunaKM> Of course it’s going to be hard, but if you want to change and it’s a positive thing I don’t see why she wouldn’t help.

Nia> wow, i’ve never even asked for her help….thanks for the suggestions angel & luna

angel> :)

~lunaKM smiles. Sometimes it take someone else to point out the obvious.

~lunaKM> Are we ready for the last point I want to cover tonight?

angel> sure

Nia> yes

~lunaKM> I’ve seen this a lot on online forums and communities

~lunaKM> person/dominant bashing

Nia> ah, i’ve seen this a lot too

~lunaKM> In generalities it’s when someone says that someone isn’t a good Dominant based on one sided conversation, or that you aren’t a true submissive because of x, y and z. Essentially bashing teh person without all the facts.

~lunaKM> In an online community it is almost impossible to know exactly what is going on with someone when they write just as soon as they experience hurt or anger or fear. That isn’t the time to write, but so many do and it starts damaging the reputation of someone else.

angel> i’ve seen that a lot too

Nia> i understand the need to vent, but damaging the reputation of your Dominant isn’t going to help anything

~lunaKM> I tend to steer clear of these sorts of threads except to say that we don’t know the other person’s side or to recommend that the person reflect on the issue after the intense feelings have faded and they may see it in another light.

angel> good point, Nia. sometimes you do need to vent and for some, the online community is all they have. but, maybe it should be with a online friend and not a thread

angel> i wish everyone responded that way, luna :)

Nia> yes, being discrete should come first

Nia> or i wish that they could relate just their side without all of the damaging details (Dominant’s name, etc.)

~lunaKM> I agree

Nia> a saying in recovery programs is “if i am not the problem, there is no solution”

~lunaKM> I think that in those situations they aren’t seeing what THEY did wrong, only what is bothering them from the other person.

angel> exactly

~lunaKM> heh, that’s just about what I said

Nia> yeah, all i read in those posts is an invitation to a pity party

~lunaKM> no kidding and I never accept those invites.

angel> same here

~lunaKM> They are usually closed off to advice that doesn’t support their anger or frustration either.

angel> never thought of it that way, but that’s true

___

Do you have anything else to add? What are your thoughts?

photo by katie teqtmeyer

Sub v. Slave: A Second Opinion

This is a guest post by Beth, as she will tell you, she’s a 24/7 slave of 2 years and would like to express what she sees as the differences between sub and slave. If you would like to read Rayne’s opinion, you can do so on this post.

First off I would like to introduce myself. I’m Beth, or as some may know of me as jjsslave on fetlife.com. I’m also jajsslave on Twitter. I am a 24/7 collared slave and have lived with my Master for going on 2 years now. Well, by the time this is posted it will be 2 years. Ive been in the lifestyle for 7 years and have came a long way. I  have learned many lessons along the way, all which have shaped me into what I am today. The biggest lesson I learned early on was during my first encounter with my Master. It was the importance of not telling too much online to others and that you should guard yourself against the preditors out there. There are good guys out there. Ive been lucky enough to find one, however there are many scary people out there.

To me there is quite a difference between being submissive and a slave. I think it would be easier for me to start on the submissive side. In my 7 years in the lifestyle I started out as a sub. I really feel that until the past 2 years I remained a sub.  With that being said, I had more options in life, at least in my mind. A submissive retains the power over themselves and their body. Many are not going to agree with me on this. I don’t feel that discipline, true discipline should be put in place with a sub. ”Play” or “scene” discipline is one thing but actually discipline where corporal punishments, writings and corner times for example are put in place, I feel are completely off base. If a submissive still has power over themselves then how can they really mess up to the point of punishment outside of play. Slaves on the other hand, particularly those who live it 24/7 sometimes need punishment just for the sake of training, being kept in line and as a reminder of their place.

I had considered myself a slave before moving in with Master, yet I don’t think it was until he assigned me to look up the terms submissive and slave that I truly realized the differences. Unfortunately Ive lost that writing, but the idea is still in my mind. Hmm, this is consensual slavery right??? Then why is it that even though the door is there I can’t imagine walking out and never coming back? A slave has one option for the most point. Obey or leave!! Do i have the options of telling Master “no”?? Not if i want to continue to stay with Him. This brings me to another point, limits. Submissives often have soft and hard limits and can enforce them or use them at will. Not saying that is a bad thing, it gives the person that little extra protection over their body and mind. On the other side of things I feel a slave doesn’t quite have the same rights when it comes to limits. I feel a slave should take on the limits of their Master. If a slave has a hard limit well.. i guess that could be discussed and taken into consideration but ultimately the decision lays with the Master on if the slave is allowed to have that limit. Communication is a must.

While these are just a few examples of the thoughts floating around in my head, I feel these are the more important ones.  This is a very heated topic where I don’t feel anyone will ever agree. The bottom line is that there is no one way to live the lifestyle and that goes for submissives and slaves alike. One of the most important qualities anyone in this lifestyle can have is respect.  Respect for others and how they enjoy and live in the BDSM lifestyles. The good news is, those who live this lifestyle are generally accepting of everyone else’s choices on how to live this life.

I would like to thank LunaKM for giving me the opportunity to write this. I look forward to possibly doing more writing in the future as i really enjoyed doing this.

Beth is a 24/7 collared slave and have lived with her Master for going on 2 years now and in the lifestyle for 7 years. You can contact her on FetLife or Twitter.

Post photo by Purple Sea Donkey

One month into my first real time D/S relationship: A Training Review

This is a Guest Post by A. She is a new submissive in her first 24/7 dynamic. I received this wonderfully written review of her first 30 days and she offered to share it with everyone here. Enjoy!

It has come to my attention after reading submissiveguide.com that my training with Sir has already begun, though not outright labeled as such.  Indeed, every relationship I have ever had has begun in this way, learning the likes and dislikes of my partner and trying to accommodate, but with Him, I am more aware of this process, as it is more deliberate.  At the outset, on the day of our first meeting, he instructed me to wear a black dress, and sit in the park reading and await Him.  I am validated to read in Luna’s writing that my concern over my appearance, and also trying to be peaceful, not fidget and patient was already a positive in the direction of desired qualities in a submissive.  Since that day, we have grown together in many ways, and the ways in which I have learned to please Him are outlined below.  I plan to update this list periodically, to track the ways in which I deepen my submission, the ways in which my wants and needs evolve and dovetail with His.

Speech:

Sir:
Use of the word Sir was discussed online, before we had even initially met.  He indicated I could call Him whatever I wished, but desired Sir for intimate moments.  As we grew closer, it applied whenever He was asserting His dominance, be it out in public, online or on the phone and I show my acceptance and submission with the honorific response.

Thank you:
At various times I have been corrected for not thanking Him for the orgasm He allowed me to have.  I have begun to thank Him for blows He gives me in certain contexts, He has not commented either way on this, or corrected when I do not.

Wording:
When I removed His shoes, I asked if He would like to keep His socks or not.  This is something I am still trying to work on, my natural way of speaking is to ask “can I?”  but I am well aware “may I” is more appropriate.  Sir does not comment on this, but I feel it is more respectful, and I’m frustrated with myself at each error.

Enunciation:
Another flaw of mine is that in the course of being together, when I am excited, I often forget the appropriate response of “yes Sir, no Sir” and may make a moaning sort of affirmation or denial. His tone changes immediately as he demands the proper response and I know I run the risk of displeasing Him should I not enunciate properly.

Positions:

Spanking:
Sir is particular about positions and protocol.  When I am to be spanked, I am to kneel and bend over with my face flat, shoulders to the bed, and present myself.  He prefers my back to be straight, which is difficult for me, as my natural tendency is to reverse arch my back.  As I am punished, I am most often allowed to cry out, but not to move.  If I flinch, I am to return to the instructed position immediately without hesitation.  If I am to stand and be punished, I must brace myself stiff armed on a designated piece of furniture, slightly bent, head down.

Undressing:
I am just now beginning to learn how to undress for Sir. I feel a bit silly, but the lingerie I wear for Him helps. So far He has only specified me to remove my panties while facing away from Him, slightly bent over.  Beyond that He has only asked that I please Him with my removal of my clothes, and I try to be creative and pleasing in the process.

Waiting to Serve Sexually:
When Sir decides He wishes to use me I am ordered to get on the bed, on my back, legs spread open and knees up, so He can gaze at me exposed while He readies Himself to enter me.  Often I will casually hold this position, while writhing a bit, gazing at Him to allow Him to feel my passion and desire, and my hunger. Occasionally He will correct me and tell me to be still, but generally He enjoys my arousal and encourages me to exhibit these feelings.

From the Rear:
As one of Sir’s favorite ways to have me, positioning for rear entry is very important.  He prefers a similar position to that of spanking, with more of a reverse lean so as to better accommodate His thrusts.

Rituals and Behavior:

Morning Check In:
Each day when I get up, I am to write to Him, tell Him my plans for the day, and say hello. Sometimes He responds with additional commands, which may include meditating on a certain subject, writing, masturbation or explicit instructions to abstain from that. Other times He responds with a brief “good morning my sweet girl.” Other times He does not respond at all. The initial contact on my part is the focus, and allows me to show that in waking up to start my day, He is in my first thoughts.

Shoes:
My first actual training occurred when we reached my home our first day together.  Sir sat on my couch, and took one of the pillows, placing it at His feet, He instructed me to kneel and remove His shoes.  He informed me at that time that His women do not kneel on the floor, only on pillows, and so I learned my first lesson. Now, unless we are in a rush, I kneel at His feet and put on and remove His shoes.

Worship:
In removing or putting on of shoes, I always kiss the tops of His feet.  Once the shoes are off or on respectively, from my kneeling position I wrap my arms around His calves, and press my head down softly on His lap. He then bends at the waist, and embraces me and we hold that moment.  In this way, I show my devotion and love, and He shows His acceptance and reciprocation.

Sir also requires certain ways of being touched, especially after intercourse.  He prefers His chest to be stroked and will directly request it.

Massage:
Due to injury, regular massage is very beneficial to Him, so often I do massage His muscles for Him, both solicited and unsolicited.  As I do these things for Him, I try to focus on the feelings I have for Him, all I appreciate that He does for me, and allow that warmth and tenderness to radiate through my hands.  This is to me, one of the highest forms of worship and a deep communion between us.

Fetching:
I have the natural desire, when fetching something for Him, to kneel and present the item with both hands upon my return. Sir has expressed appreciation for this, and thus I adopt it.

Toys:
Sir introduces all toys and equipment by either presenting it to me or instructing me to fetch it for Him. He then presents it to my lips and I kiss it, typically a flogger, rope or a slapper, though a blindfold or other bondage instruments, hair brush, etc, are managed similarly.

When Sir is finished with the toy, or when I am cleaning up the room afterward, I am to take the toy to the closet where it is kept, and hang it very deliberately in its designated spot. I stop the swaying with my hands, then bend at the waist to kiss the item, as He watches.  He then closes the closet door.

Presentation:
Sir prefers that the condom box be displayed in my room, with one always set on top, ready and anticipating His need.

Orgasm Control:
Sir has decreed that I may not orgasm without His permission.  As I feel it build, I am to ask, and if He says no, resist it.  This has been my sole punishable infraction to date, as the way in which He was having me made it next to impossible to resist, and in complete honesty, I wanted to see what would happen.  Since that time though, with punishment looming over my head, I improved a great deal, and even redeemed myself, forgiven and excused from the punishment.  Sir has been pleased to the point where He has moved on to orgasm on command.

Orgasm on Command:
Sir employs both the counting method and basic instruction for orgasm on command training and only during sex, which makes it easier for me.  He wishes to lessen my response time however.  I myself would like to be trained by Sir to orgasm independent of sexual stimulation; i.e. a simple word can trigger that response but that is at His discretion.

Clothing:
Usually He does not request specific items of clothing to be worn, but generally I ask when planning to see Him, what He would like for me to wear. As we are still in the beginnings of our relationship, He is not 100% familiar with my wardrobe, but I do my best to accommodate His requests.

Personal Grooming:
Sir often does request specific hair styles of me, and I do my best to please Him in this way. Also, He prefers me to have pubic hair, which I have always removed. Growing out and getting used to this hair has been challenging for me, but His pleasure in knowing it is difficult but seeing that I obey nonetheless makes it a rewarding task.

A is a submissive from Boston MA.  She has experienced elements of BDSM in the past, but is now embarking on her first 24×7 collared relationship.  She happily shares her progress with others who may be inspired in a similar manner. You can find her on FetLife as northern_siren.

Photo by and of A.

Open for Questions

Submissive Guide.com is doing wonderfully as a start up site and I hope that each and every one of you has learned and grown in your submission since you found this site and it’s associated resources. I’m just one person hoping to provide you with something you may not be able to find somewhere else.

A real person to answer your questions and get advice. I can’t do it without you. If you have questions or are in need of advice, please contact me at subguide@gmail.com or come to the site and submit your question via my contact form.

Even if you’d just like to suggest something for the website, I’m open to hearing what you’d like to see. The site is for you just as much as it is for me. Tell me what you want!

You aren’t alone. Your question could help many other submissives in the same situation as you are. I want to be there for you. Let me help you.

So send in those comments, questions, suggestions and requests for advice. Thank you.

Am I Submissive?

So, you want me to tell you how you can tell if you are submissive or not? Asking someone else if you are submissive is like asking a blind man what color your dress is. Is there some magical online quiz that can say whether you are submissive or slave? Unfortunately no and I don’t think I’d listen to the results of one if it existed either. Submission isn’t something you can find in a self-help book or a therapist. Submission is a calling.

No, not the same kind of calling that religion speaks about; but similar. Some people find submission to be a natural way to live; something that comes to them easily and simply. To be a natural submissive means you have something innate and inherent in them that disposes them to submission.  Others have to learn about submission step by step. I’ve written about my own experiences with learning submission in the post Submission by Choice. When you feel inside that you are happiest when submitting, that’s when you know you’re submissive. There is no secret to it.

Hearing your inner voice tends to be the hardest thing. You’ve probably come to this post because either someone said you are submissive and you want to know more or you’ve heard that inner voice and you are curious about what it means. Hopefully you will leave here with some understanding of submission and how you know if you are submissive or not.

It will take soul searching, no doubt about that. Trust me when I say that you can not become submissive if you do not have the basic inclination to serve and the emotional pleasure of being available to serve. Once you have that, you are well on your way to knowing you are submissive.

Let’s take a look at the following four spaces to help you figure out if you are submissive. Apply them however they will work for your own personal situation.

Knowing you are submissive will have a mental aspect to it. When you think of serving others does it put you in a peaceful position? If it feels like the logical thing to do then it probably is. When I found that I was happy being submissive I stopped fighting myself and accepted being happy.

You may also have a spiritual connection to submission. I’ve often described my connectedness to my Dominant as being in prayer. I feel a higher power sort of connection when I please him. You may have an overall sense of bliss or complete happiness thinking about or participating in service.

Connecting to submissive can have an emotional response as well. You may cry uncontrollably, or smile so hard and so often that your cheeks hurt. There is a clear sign that you are submissive when you can look upon being of service to someone else and your heart aches with need. Your emotional response is usually the strongest response to submissive stimulus that you will be able to experience.

Lastly when you are submissive you will develop a physical response to Dominance exerted at or near you. For many this is sexual excitement but it could also be a need to physically get up and do something to bring your closer to that Dominance. I’ve had moments that only felt perfect when I listened to the primal urge to kneel or kiss his hand or do something to serve him.

Feeling all of these things at one time or another usually means you have a submissive mindset. It may not happen all the time, but the moments that do you should try to feed it. Develop a service you can provide someone else, volunteer in your community and certainly, if you can explore a relationship with Dominance and submission at its core. You may find the calling you were hearing was one thing or another… or all of the above. Only you can know if submission is the right direction for you.

photo by doug88888

When Protocol Becomes Boring

Protocol. It can be a scary word if you are new to submission. In a relationship, it is likely that you will have some protocol established to control your behavior. So, what is protocol? Simply defined, protocol is the set of special rules that you follow for defined situations that remind you of your place in the relationship. Every relationship is different and will have a different level of protocol. One of my first protocol rules was to call my Dominant ‘Master’ when in private and lifestyle event situations. It was a simple change in my normal behavior and a reminder of my place in the relationship.

As the protocols developed I was so excited to finally be doing what I had dreamed about and read in so many BDSM fiction books. I was living with rules and protocol and my mindset thrived. I felt so good about my place in the relationship and the happiness that Master displayed at my success. The pleasure I felt wasn’t just sexual it was like a part of my soul was finally being satisfied.

It didn’t last. After a few months I started to feel less happy about my protocol. It felt less like bliss and more like a chore. I had lost the attachment to WHY the protocol was in place to begin with; the reminder of my place in the relationship. The honeymoon period was over. Things got really rocky in our relationship because the effort involved in doing the protocol got more and more difficult for me, and the stress he experienced was just as bad.

What happened?

I lost focus for why the rules and protocols existed in the first place. I stopped feeling my submission when I obeyed and began rebelling with what I had gotten so used to doing for joy. I started looking to those fiction stories I’ve read for some sort of answer to my loss in vision. Why couldn’t I make the fantasy my reality? I was very stuck with that thought.

So what did I do?

Talk about it: I first approached my Dominant and explained to him how I was feeling and expressed that I didn’t like what had happened to me and us. We have a very open communication stream and it didn’t come as a surprise to him that this conversation was occurring. We talked about how long I had been feeling off task and also some ideas of what I could do to get back on track. It wasn’t an easy conversation as the fault, which is hard for me to take, was all mine.

The fantasy was just that; fantasy. I had to find my own reality in the protocols. I had to seek the happiness I once had and hang on to it. I started reviewing my rules on a daily basis. I developed a meditation routine to do to keep my submission blossoming. I learned how to self-correct my behavior before it became noticeable.

Most importantly, I made it a priority to create my own reality; one that would work better than trying to live a fantasy. It’s a constant work in progress and I still have my bad and good days. I know it will get better. One day I will be living as I’ve dreamed and the peace that I strive for everyday will find me.

photo by lepiaf.geo

Chat Night Transcript From What is Service Talk

lunaKM> So, first I’d like to get some impression about how new you are to submission. Could you please tell me how long you have been exploring submission and if you are in a relationship right now?

lunaKM> hello aquamuse

aquamuse> Hello, I’m new of course.

eagerslut> I am in a relationship and just recently discovered I am submissive and asked my master to teach me. Previously he had other subs

selene1123> i am currently in a 24/7 m/s relationship…have been exploring submission for about 6 months

aquamuse> I am in my first positive and healthy D/s relationship now with a man who is just discovering how much he likes it when I do what he asks.

aquamuse> about 6 months.

eagerslut> We always have had a sexual d/s relationship but 2 wks ago i discovered I wanted a 24/7

pleasure> i am in a 24/7 D/s relationship for over 6 years now…..i am 53 and in the lifestyle 6 1/2 years

bc26_2> i have only been doing this since march of this year and i am in a D/s relationship for that same amount of time

lunaKM> I’ve been living 24/7 for 5 years, just so you know ;)

pleasure> smiles

eagerslut> :O:

lunaKM> Ok, so we have a range of experience levels. thank you so much for sharing with me.

pleasure> it’s an ever evolving lifestyle and growth, no matter how long one has been in it

eagerslut> That is what I believe

lunaKM> Now, what do you think service is to you? No answer is wrong.

selene1123> To me, service is anything i physically do for Master’s purpose or enjoyment

aquamuse> I’m going to venture here and say service is being totally available, open and willing to comply. This assumes my basic needs are taken care of and put to the side for the time being.

eagerslut> Doing something for someone that would make them happy,even if you don’t feel like doing it. Giving your heart and soul to please that person

pleasure> nick/pleasure…….service/submission..is all the same to me…what ever makes my Sir life easier, happier…and i might add that i am actually more a slave

lunaKM> I’ve always believed that service is a part of my submission and what I give to my Master on a daily basis. Service is, to me, the activities that help the house run, our life be enjoyable and the basic needs met.

pleasure> yes exactly luna

eagerslut> That is very true

lunaKM> But I had someone explain to me yesterday on my recent post that they believe service is separate from submission

lunaKM> and I really like that explanation she gave too.

bc26_2> i agree with service being anything that makes the house run and enjoyable…even when my Mistress is not here

selene1123> i see service as the physical representation of my emotion submission

selene1123> *emotional

aquamuse> I like that selene1123

lunaKM> I’m going to quote it here… CarrieAnn said: To me, service and submission are different. Service is something I do because I’m required to or even want to but doesn’t necessarily require that I submit to anything or anyone. I can not have a submissive bone in my body and still serve. Submission is more direct; surrender to his will, submission to his dominance. The two often merge but are not always one and the same.
eagerslut> I like that too

bc26_2> oh i like that too

pleasure> yes i like that

eagerslut> I can see that point

lunaKM> So as you can see for some of us they are the same thing, but for others they are separate

lunaKM> Perhaps that is why I see people identify as service submissives?

eagerslut> As is everything in life we are all different and we interpret things differently,from our own background

eagerslut> I like that term

bc26_2> i feel that i am in service to many — myself, my Mistress, my daughter at some level…but i submit to only my Mistress

lunaKM> If we can agree that service is likely to be activities and not emotional in nature then perhaps we can come up with a list of things that are service?

aquamuse> I can agree with the definition.

eagerslut> I am a nurse so I feel I service others on a daily basis but I submit to my MAster .

bc26_2> i agree

lunaKM> alright so is my daily coffee preparation for my Master service or submission?

lunaKM> How about the daily chores?

pleasure> i am a nurse too,as like eager, i only submit to my Sir

eagerslut> C

selene1123> i would consider daily tasks or chores service

aquamuse> by definiton – these are examples of serice.

eagerslut> keeping the house clean

selene1123> but why you do it and how you do it is an aspect of submission

eagerslut> making sure my Masters children are taken care of

pleasure> laundry, making the bed..keeping the house clean is all service…

* lunaKM nods

lunaKM> Is sex a form of service?

eagerslut> BAking.massages,listening

aquamuse> baby making?

pleasure> my Sir has set in rules for a clean house

pleasure> yes i believe that would be a service aqua

selene1123> sex to me is a form of service

pleasure> i agree selene

eagerslut> Yes I think sex is a form of service,but I love it so much it definitely isn’t a chore

pleasure> no chore here either lol

aquamuse> hehe

lunaKM> Are all things service related as chores though?

pleasure> service doesn’t have to be something enjoyed

lunaKM> I’d think that there are some things you do that you enjoy just as much as sex as service.

aquamuse> I have things like workouts and keeping a calendar updated – are these service by our definition?

pleasure> no i don’t think all things service related are chores

eagerslut> I hate to cook but I do it because my Master loves it when I do. He generally does most of the cooking but I know he is very pleased when I do

lunaKM> I believe so aqua

selene1123> service itself is enjoyable to me…even if the act i am performing may not be

lunaKM> For me that’s hard to get in touch with selene1123. I’m quite expressive in my face and even if I try not to show my displeasure at a task he tends to figure it out.

bc26_2> i agree with you selene

pleasure> yes but you are still serving luna

aquamuse> me too selene1123

lunaKM> heh, I hear that a lot from him also :P

eagerslut> I do also

lunaKM> Next thought…. do all submissives serve and do all that serve submit?

pleasure> no

eagerslut> No

aquamuse> no

bc26_2> no

lunaKM> In what way can we describe the separation?

pleasure> it’s clearly upon each individual and the circumstances of the relationship

eagerslut> I think they are interchangable

pleasure> i don’t think there is line to divide the two….they do intertwine at times for many of us

selene1123> some may serve out of necessity or arrangement (like a stay-at-home mother or father) but that doesn’t mean they are submitting

pleasure> very true

eagerslut> Yes I agree

pleasure> to submit for me is doing something i detest….and yet serving

pleasure> does that make sense ?

lunaKM> Why do you think service is held in such a high place when Dominants talk about what they would like in a partner?

lunaKM> It does pleasure.

eagerslut> I think serving is a task you can do for anyone and submission is giving your being over to your Master.

eagerslut> To establish routines

pleasure> first of all….Dominates…are predominately Male….and have different ideas and thoughts as to what serving is…it’s what and how They define it

aquamuse> I know my Lover simply enjoys the idea that I obey him in simple requests. I think the power of that has suprised him.

eagerslut> To esatblish who is in control

selene1123> i agree with eagerslut – to emphasize who has the reins in the relationship

aquamuse> I agree too with eagerslut

lunaKM> I think that since service is what they can see immediately as a result of their dominance that they tend to place that a bit higher in importance

lunaKM> submission may not be immediate, but you can serve

eagerslut> Yes how true

pleasure> yes

aquamuse> that idea works for me luna.

selene1123> i can see that

pleasure> there are those that identify as bottoms..they serve..but don’t submit

lunaKM> So is the desire to serve natural or something learned?

eagerslut> Both

aquamuse> for me it seems to be natural.

pleasure> one can only answer for themselves….for me it natural…and yet i feel it can be learned

eagerslut> Some come by it naturally but anyone can learn to serve if they desire

lunaKM> it’s completely learned for me. and it’s not coming easy, that’s for sure

bc26_2> it depends – it is natural for me

aquamuse> I read your bio today.

lunaKM> which one aquamuse?

selene1123> yes, it depends on the person…i’ve always felt the need to serve, though i never really had an outlet before Master

eagerslut> I am a mixture. I have some inherent ability to serve but I can be very selfish at times

aquamuse> Luna.

lunaKM> Oh I meant which site did you read it on

eagerslut> I agree with selene

pleasure> i am a nurse..to serve is natural….

aquamuse> Yours Luna, you mentioned that the whole submissive thing was contrary to your persona? I hope I got that right?

lunaKM> yeah, I’ve had to do some rewiring. It goes opposite to how I was raised.

lunaKM> I get the greatest thrill though when I do something in full submission mode though.

aquamuse> on the Submissive Guide

lunaKM> Which is probably why I’ve stuck with it.

eagerslut> i always thought taht being liberated and independent I couldn’t be submissive but I have found that since I have given myself over to it I am more liberated

lunaKM> There were a good 6 months I considered going Domme. ;)

pleasure> i lived in a marriage of 23 yrs, and didn’t realize till after my divorce that he was controlling..not Dominate ..there is a difference..and to the way one submits to each

bc26_2> can you describe what you mean by full submission mode

aquamuse> * smiles*

pleasure> you are free now to be who you really are inside

eagerslut> Yes controlling is different My first husband was a controller

selene1123> i agree eagerslut…Master likes to make fun of the fact that i am a feminist submissive

lunaKM> full submission mode for me is when I’m given a task and as I’m performing it, no matter what that is, I feel a peace, like all the pieces fit just right, a perfection at my choices in life.

lunaKM> I’d like to attain that as permanently as possible, but right now it’s just fits and starts.

eagerslut> You explained that beautifully

eagerslut> I will strive for that

bc26_2> nice

lunaKM> I get like a buzzing in my head almost when I get there, and my heart swells in my chest. It’s grand.

aquamuse> I wan’t that too.

pleasure> good way to explain it luna……for myself, luna, i call that “focus”

lunaKM> yeah, it is a focus, sure!

selene1123> to me, it’s a moment of perfect connection with Master

pleasure> smiles

eagerslut> :)

lunaKM> Do any of you provide any unique service to your Dominant?

eagerslut> I remodeled his home,laid tile

pleasure> well….grins ..everything from toweling Him dry after a shower..to tying of His shoes

bc26_2> wow – you go

eagerslut> Had to go to Home depot to learn that

pleasure> Dom Depot lol

eagerslut> ;)

lunaKM> Master loans me out to the BDSM communities around us when calls for volunteers are needed for events. I’ve folded pamphlets to checking people in at the door and serving as hostess.

lunaKM> He’s not as … outgoing as I am… so he says I go in his place :P

selene1123> i act as His personal assistant…He hates writing, remembering appts, anything like that so i kinda “manage” things for Him

lunaKM> I am also Master’s chauffeur. He never drives

eagerslut> I get him out of the house to exercise he hates to get going but enjoys it once he does

eagerslut> Mine hates to drive also

* lunaKM chuckles I wish I could do that for my Owner. He just says watching me is enough workout.

pleasure> we mentor others in the lifestyle..and i have given classes as other Doms request Their subs/slaves need training in areas of service that the Dom is not able to do

pleasure> (at)

lunaKM> I suppose Submissive Guide is a service I provide too

pleasure> oh yes luna !! smiles

eagerslut> Yes it helps me

pleasure> a service to all that reads it

aquamuse> Good service!

selene1123> very informative for the new slave!

bc26_2>  agreed

pleasure> being in the lifestyle for over 6 years now, but i am still a child learning my way

lunaKM> Like eagerslut said, she had to learn something in order to serve in a way or another. What have you went out to learn so that you could serve better?

pleasure> i took geisha classes ! lol

eagerslut> I love to learn and feel like I would wither away if I am not learning

lunaKM> what are geisha classes like?

pleasure> learn grace, pose …..

eagerslut> Oh I would love to do a geisha class

bc26_2> i am putting together a list for my Mistress now on things I need to learn

aquamuse> I learned the theory’s of lifting weights and started workout out.

lunaKM> oh lordy, Master would so have me in a grace and poise class in a

heartbeat.

bc26_2> lol

pleasure> it was fantastic….a part of me woke up, literally…..seeing His eyes the first time i walked in the room with out plunking down on the floor at His feet lol

eagerslut> I love the grace of a geisha. my Master lived in Okinawa and he is into that

selene1123> Master has discussed sending me to geisha classes, but the closest ones are almost 6 hours away :(

eagerslut> :(

lunaKM> awesome I doubt there are any around me, but I’m sure I can find some reference materials online ;)

aquamuse> I read that book about Gehsha. Loved it!

pleasure> google it selene…there are online sites that have wonderful tips, ect

eagerslut> I’ll do that also

aquamuse> I believe beauty is a service.

eagerslut> I have been practicing yoga and getting into position gracefully

pleasure> i may be in jeans and t-shirt one day , dirty in garden dust….but i have a feeling..of being sexy…

pleasure> oh yes i agree aqua

selene1123> definitely aqua

eagerslut> I feel sexy when I think of my Master

pleasure> taking pride in your appearance

lunaKM> Alright, anything else you’d like to cover about service?

bc26_2> yes, taking pride in appearance

eagerslut> Appearance is very important

eagerslut> I love shaving and getting ready to see him

eagerslut> He loves for me to wear dresses and heels.The heels are definately a service

selene1123> haha, my Master is the opposite

pleasure> i shave daily, sometimes twice if we are having company, for a teaching session for others ….shaving is a daily service for many subs/slaves

selene1123> i wear dresses and heels all the tim, so He likes me to wear jeans and sneakers

pleasure> your behavior…just as appearance reflects service….and it reflects back to Your Dom/Master

eagerslut> Yes my Master has already informed me of that. To speak succinctly when asked a question and to think before I speak

pleasure> yes and in a quiet tone…..

pleasure> in geisha training, words are not needed

pleasure> it’s your body that speaks for you

pleasure> the way you move….kneeling down to tie His shoe, He knows i have arthritis in both knees..that is service though painful for me

eagerslut> true

lunaKM> Well ladies that is all I have for tonight. I can stay for another half hour to chat so I’m going to open the floor for free chat if anyone would like to stay.

eagerslut> I’m going to have to get a geisha outfit now

bc26_2> thank you very much for the chat luna

eagerslut> That you for your insight luna

aquamuse> Thank you luna.

Also might interest you

Simply Service Newsletter

The Safety Disguise of Safewords

I’ve always believed that safewords are only good if you know how to use them. Good ole communication is great for things like numb limbs, an itch you can’t reach or a bathroom break.  Submissive Guide is here for novices and it’s always good to teach about safewords and recommend that you have one.

In every beginning BDSM book you will find information on safewords. On this site I have an essay on safewords. What I’ve read recently from Emma is some very obvious news about safewords that most people don’t pick up on their own and never share with others. Well, I’m going to share it with you.

Protect Your Safety

In a play situation you need to establish trust with your play partner. If you choose to play with a relative stranger you are putting yourself in danger of not having your safeword respected. Safewords can not protect you from someone who intends to do you harm. No matter how many times you shout ‘red’ in a dangerous situation a predator will not heed. Just like a stop sign, it only works if drivers obey the law and actually stop. The trust that is needed in a relationship is what makes a safe word really work for you.

Don’t ever expect your safeword to protect you. I’ve read horror stories where a submissive said she thought her safeword was all she needed to stay safe. A lot of the BDSM play we engage in is inherently dangerous and risky (even if you believe in Safe, Sane and Consensual). A verbalized stop word is not going to make you any safer.

It Starts With Trust

You can not have safewords without trust. As you’ve read and hopefully understand now a safeword is a false blanket of security. Building trust with your partner is all about open, honest communication and respect. How do you build trust?

The answer is acceptance.

Once you accept your partner for who they are then your trust will come right along with it. Sure that means you need to accept yourself first and we are always hearing about that, but in this article we are building trust in our partner so that if we choose to use safewords they will work.

Negotiate, Negotiate, Negotiate

Every relationship starts somewhere, even the quick and casual play partners are relationships. I can’t stress enough that you need to communicate and share your needs and desires in order to get them. Doing this also includes requesting and agreeing on a safeword if works for you. Even if a Dominant doesn’t believe in safewords, a negotiation where a safeword is requested should be honored.

Say ‘No’

In the worst situation imaginable where your safeword is being ignored, begin screaming ‘no’. Unfortunately this won’t necessarily make the person stop but it will give you some legal leverage later. Not all legal authorities understand or respect stop words, our safewords. They will ask if you said ‘no’.

Wrapping It Up

It’s not my intention to scare you or convince you that you shouldn’t have a safeword. I’m hoping that what you’ve learned is that you need to have more than a word to protect you if you plan to play.

Do you have any other advice about safewords that you’d like to pass on?

Add Cons, Classes and Events to your Training Resume

Your training resume should be growing in bulk and excellent information if you’ve been following along and developing your sections fully. We are now going to work on your  community exposure section.

What I mean by community exposure are all the classes, extended weekends, get aways and other events you’ve attended in your past that had classes or learning opportunities that you took advantage of. Anything counts really. They don’t have to be BDSM related either. If you went to a convention for management for example you’d have learned something from that class that you could possibly employ into your service.

The value of listing the conventions, retreats and classes you’ve attended can only be weighed against the unknown. Sharing the list of regional or national events you have attended and what classes you went to will not only provide your dominant with information as to what you might be interested in or knowledgeable about but also will be a great collection of information for your own self later on when you sign up for future conventions.

It make come as an obvious point but you should be keeping a travel journal when you attend conventions. This document will keep your memory fresh with what you are learning and seeing. That way when you get home you can update your training resume in your own time. Each class should have the following information:

• Presenter’s name
• Synopsis of the class
• The event it was held at
• Contact information for the presenter if you have it
• What you want to remember/take away from the class
• handouts or other materials from the class

Sure just hearing this information now means that classes you have attended in the past might be scketchy. That’s fine, just start now and get this information added to a new section of your training resume!

photo by createvecommonsjp

A Switch of the D/s Lifestyle

This is another guest post by Christian, a switch male in a D/s relationship.

(If you would like to submit a guest post to Submissive Guide, please read the guidelines before contacting me, thanks!)

It seems there is a lot of interest in switches on the Internet, and being a switch myself I can speak on that a fair amount. But allow me to say I am only one switch in a world of switches. Switches are completely different the world around. So what I say here will certainly not apply to other switches.

When I was introduced to this lifestyle officially by the local D/s group where I live I was told there were “dominants” and “submissives”. That was it. Nothing about switches. Later on once I learned a few things and met some other people in the group I learned there was also something called “switches” and what that meant to be a switch. I immediately knew that was me.

Like most people in this life growing up was incredibly difficult dealing with my strange thoughts. One moment I was thinking about making a girl do things for me, and the next in my thoughts I was being ordered to do them for her. It was confusing to have these conflicting thoughts and going from one extreme to the other in a matter of moments did not help.

When I was finally more aware of the community, there was a lot of negative attitudes toward switches. It was thought they had no clear idea about if they wanted to be, submissive or dominant. And “Why can’t they make up their mind?” sort of an attitude. There is still quite a negative stigma about this and no one in my local group of D/s people will admit to being a switch (including me). Hopefully my online personae is never realized by anyone locally. I am not sure if this is just a local thing or if it extends worldwide? I would like to hear from other people on different parts of this world to know…

To be sure there is only one side of my switchiness at a time. I am either submissive or dominant. Never both at the same time! That is just me and maybe some others will feel different?

To clarify my own thoughts on the different variety of switches, here is how I see it. First there are the D/s only switches. These switches either don’t include BDSM in their lives, or are only dominant or submissive in the bedroom. Then there are the BDSM switches which are just the opposite of what I just described. Then there are the D/s and BDSM switches (I am sorry I can’t think of another way to describe this. Perhaps someone may enlighten me if there is some “official” way to describe the switch varieties). This last variety is me, however my owner does not allow switching in D/s for me. This is a big sacrifice for a switch believe me.

Something I get asked at times is how the actual “switch” (the verb, not the noun) occurs and what that feels like. Well the switch happens one of two ways for me. Again I am only one switch. Others experiences will vary. But the switch happens either with a sudden rapidness that really can take ones breath away! Or it happens gradually over a
period of time. Most of the time it occurs for me in a gradual way and this is for certain preferable for a number of reasons, not the least of which is it makes it easier for my owner to recognize. This is also preferable as the sudden changes are enough to give one “mental whiplash” at times! As for what it feels like, it is strictly a mental process. It is just one moment I am my usual submissive self, and the next I am thinking about how good it would be to have a submissive at my whim.

When my owner or me recognizes I am “switched” it is often an inconvenience for both of us. For her it is like she is denied use of me for the moment (as I am no longer submissive). For me it is a big inconvenience as well since it is a break in my level of service that is intolerable (because it is intolerable to her).  Like I said I am not allowed switching in D/s. But at such times I have to relieve it in some way or things get worse. This is where my wife’s live-in female submissive comes in handy. At one time before she had her, my wife filled the role of submissive to me in BDSM only. I applaud her efforts but as one who is strictly dominant it was hard for her to be
that way. Just like with me as a switch.. There are just times that I am completely NOT submissive (when “switched” specifically). That is a large portion of the reason for the acquisition of this other submissive along with the fact that my owner just wished for a female submissive anyway.

My thoughts are a switch actually does not make the ideal full-time submissive. This is not a case of self-pity or something like that. It is just fact. If you are even remotely like me (a switch of the ways) than you will never be 100% of the time at service. You will have to spend a small portion of the time “switched” to the dominant side, and inconvenience your owner like me. It is disappointing but it is something I am used to and so is my owner. It is a heart-wrenching experience when one would just as soon be at service all the time if possible. Something I should be clear on is when I switch I don’t think about how unsatisfactory it is with my owner. The only thing I
am thinking about is having one at my feet. At my will. There are no thoughts about service. Or pleasing my owner at all. That is awash with my newfound dominance. The submissive me is completely wiped from the slate only to return once I have that side of me satisfied (or it just fades after a really long while). So at the time it is not heart wrenching as I say. Only afterwards when the fire is gone and I am back to “me” that I feel disappointed.

Sometimes I get asked what percentage submissive or dominant I am. This is a strange and confusing question for me and impossible to answer. When I switch I am 100% dominant. And the other way I am 100% submissive. Not one bit the other way, and never will be. This is actually a bit of a sensitive subject since my switchability is so hard to explain anyway. Those that are fully submissive or fully dominant (I envy you by the way) have a hard time wrapping their heads about the mindset of a switch. I don’t blame you, as often I am as perplexed as you! But this is the best way I can describe such things and if it is still unclear then I am not doing well at explaining a thing that at times is very complex. It is no easy task by any means.

I welcome any questions either through this site or in private and will answer them the best I know how.

Regards,
Christian

P.S. Yes I know I used a few words like “switchiness” and “switchability” that are in fact not words in the English language, but that is the best words I could use to say those things.

I am a switch male of the D/s lifestyle for the past 14 years. I was introduced to the lifestyle and the society that at that time was extremely underground at 18 years of age.  I was raised (unbeknownst to me until just recently) in a D/s household as well. In addition my grandparents also were of the lifestyle. I am currently collared to my owner of 10 years who is bi-sexual and also has another female submissive. You can contact me at christian0539@gmail.com

photo by Redvers

Finding Domesticity In You

I’m personally not a very domestic person. When I do find the desire to clean it’s normally to relieve stress (believe it or not). It can help calm my  nerves and give my mind something else to do while working on the house. Since I’ve become Master’s stay at home submissive I find I need to look further than stress relief to get the chores done. I’m certain that you have felt the same way too. Chores just happen to be the reality of a submissive sometimes. It’s not glorifiying, it’s not fantasy. It’s just life. If you are fortunate to have a Dominant willing to share the domestic chores that’s wonderful, but many submissives have to balance work and home life to make their Dominant happy.

So what does this have to do with washing dishes? Sure the title is misleading until I tell you a little story. One night I was exploring the internet via Google search looking for ways to develop my domestic skills, I was searching for simple ways to do things, greener cleaning solutions and so forth. One of the links I clicked was Make Washing Dishes Fun by danae over on Domestic Servitude. It was the first time I had encountered this site and it wasn’t going to be the last. I read all of the archives. She also has a post on Handwashing Dishes that I enjoyed. I found there were small ways to recapture the joys of cleaning and home care.

Since then I have grown in my way of cleaning, I’m finding simpler ways to do things. I have learned to recycle and prepare some simple things. The inspiration I get from the site was all I needed to push me further into my domestic service. I’m far from perfect but I’m getting better every single day.

The site has grown since I first found it. danae has taken on a few more authors to help her with the work and the reading is fabulous. If you have any domestic struggles with your submission this is a fantastic website to go to for all sorts of tips. I especially enjoy the recipes personally, but they share lots of fantastic DIY items, internet finds and so much more. I don’t think anything like this exists anywhere else. Can I just say I love this site?!

What other sites would you recommend for someone learning domesticity?

Submissive PMS and How to Deal With It

This video post is about how to deal with a submissive bout of PMS.

It’s not your normal run of the mill PMS. You don’t have cramps or bloating or headaches or chills, but your mood is so out of whack that you are getting in trouble just by opening your mouth. You don’t know where your submissive filter went, all you know is that it’s gone and you’re going to be paying for it with every utterance. This is submissive PMS. I suffer from it often and it’s something I’ve learned a few things from to make it easier to get through. Let’s help you out.

What’s the Big Deal?

I’m pretty certain most of you haven’t heard this term before and that’s because I just made it up. You won’t find submissive PMS in any dictionary (urban, BDSM or otherwise), but if you have been submissive for more than a few minutes you know exactly how I’m going to describe it. It starts with the sudden urge to just tell your Dominant to ‘go get it yourself!’ It can lead to mouthing off, acting pissy when there is no real reason behind and when confronted you can’t explain why you are feeling that way in the first place.

Confront It Dead On

A lot of times it’s obvious that you are entering sub PMS and you can work to stop it before it gets your butt in their sling. The moment you notice the ‘get it yourselfs’ creeping into your head, ask to remove yourself from the room or their presence and go refocus. If this means reading or blogging or meditating then go do it. I tend to get my catharsis from blogging but each person is going to find a different way to refocus. If you can identify an underlying thought or problem that caused the PMS you will want to talk to your Dominant about it. Never harbor feelings from your Dominant, even if you think they are trivial. It will help them help you. Win win in any case.

Apologize

After you have refocused, apologize to your Dominant for your slip in behavior or manners. They may not have even noticed it, but that’s not the purpose. The purpose is to make a mental note for you that you have corrected the behavior and are ready to continue serving. An apology is quite beneficial for that.

Resolve

You can’t prevent submissive PMS, but you can resolve to keep it in check. Make it a task to notice it before anyone else and correct it silently. Everyone has bad moods and off days, but our job as submissives and slaves is to make sure it doesn’t cloud our service. This of course is the hardest part. I’m still not there personally. I can’t recognize it sometimes and leave it to my Master noticing and correcting for me; usually not the way I wish it could be handled. Discipline yourself to make sure you can catch your backsliding and keep your backside from catching it for you.

Review: Different Loving

Today’s BDSM lifestyle practicioners thrive on real experiences to help them learn and grow within thier own personal choices. Many books written for the beginner are not so filled with real life stories as Different Loving. I chose to review this book here because I know I learned more about myself and what I wanted to be involved in than any basic ‘this is BDSM’ book I had read previously.

Different Loving by Gloria Brahme, William Brahme and Jon Jacobs is yet another book recommended for the BDSM beginner, but not one that I would recommend as a first book. Yes, it is a fantastic resource for those wanting to know what people within the scene really think about differnet activities and aspects of BDSM. Because the reading is more textbook in format with profiles and extensive interviews, it may not be as friendly to read as some other recommended reading.

When you flip through the book, the first think you may notice that unlike other beginning BDSM books, there are no pictures. This is an educational view on D/s pure and simple. Broken into seven sections to focus on different aspects of BDSM such as the relationship, SM, body modification, gender lines, fetishism and watersports. Each section has interviews and uses quotes intensively to discuss each idea or activity. You get to know real people and learn BDSM away from the fantasy of it.  Every section has a definition of the activities described and wonderful supporting information. Interviews follow with profiles of people participating in the activity or practice. You get a feel for what happens and some clever stories of scenes and people’s lives.

The history of the activities is researched and shared so that we can find a beginning point for human desire and sexual curiosity. I especially appreciate the beginning chapters on the history of D/s and BDSM from Victorian roots. The authors describe the methods, physchological bases and the history of each activity as you learn from several hundred interviews throughout the book that you are not alone in your explorations.

Buy Different Loving: The World of Sexual Dominance and Submission

Can Online Training Work?

This week’s video is about online training and submission.

The world of online Dominance and submission is riddled with skepticism and disbelief that anyone can really live and enjoy a relationship online. The fact of it all is that there are an endless numbers of people experiencing a form of D/s called cyber D/s. Whether it be because they can not live it in real time due to partners that don’t understand, or they are exploring their sexuality safely a cyber relationship with a D/s feel is developed.

Carte Blanche – Repeating Misbehavior Patterns

Getting in trouble. We’ve all been there a time or two. It comes with learning and training new things as well as changing behaviors. Our Dominants generally don’t derive any pleasure out of punishing us and the guilt we put on ourselves can be more damaging than the misdeed in the first place. Allowing that the punishment has been handed out and the misdeed forgiven, why do we sometimes continue to fail with the same behavior and wind up right back in the hot seat? I’m going to talk about a submissive’s mindset when it comes to repeat patterns in behavior and why we just can’t keep our feet on the straight and narrow.

When I first starting learning what it was like to be my Master’s submissive, I found that there was a lot to know and that assuming one thing over knowing another generally got me in trouble a lot. I bucked against old habits and experience from past relationships. All of these things weren’t going to make my new life any easier. I kept getting in trouble for the same things over and over again. No matter how hard I worked to be good, and trust me I worked at it. The time between punishments did lengthen, but only slightly.

I was in the mindset of the carte blanche. In plain English, that’s the clean slate syndrome. After punishment, did I really learn my lesson? Probably not. I listened to the lecture, I felt the pain of the lash and then I was off to do whatever I was supposed to with a clean slate. Until the next time.

Learn From Your Mistakes

Learning from your mistakes is the first and most important task of a submissive when it comes to changing behavior patterns that are not welcome to your Dominant. For many submissives, this comes very easily. This is not the group of submissives this post is focused on. Those of us who require a lot of mental and/or physcial focus to change our behaviors will understand that falling back into our old ways is easy, no matter how badly we would want to be good and learn the new behavior.

Try to keep your new behaviors obvious to you. You may need to place note cards throughout your house, wear a reminder bracelet or have an audio reminder to help you change your behavior. Get support and advice from senior submissives to help you learn how to change your behavior.

Have Patience

You will not learn new behaviors overnight. To learn a new behavior you need to do it consistently for 3 weeks; but this, in its self, is not an easy task. We make it easier by practicing first. We need to do two things here. Firstly, we need to be able to easily perform the require actions. Secondly, we need to link that action to a cue. A cue can be anything from a command or a visual indication.

For example, imagine that you have a new behavior that you must kneel before getting into your Dominant’s bed at night. At first you will probably forget this habit and need to be reminded by your Dominant. It’s a normal part of learning. Then after a bit you may remember most of the time, but still have moments where you are startled back onto the floor because you suddenly remembered you didn’t kneel. Finally, you have established your new behavior and correction is no longer needed.

Punishment For Attention

Many novice submissives haven’t learned how to communicate their needs or wants completely yet, and find themselves breaking rules and getting into ’small trouble’ just to get attention they need or want. They can consider punishment just as a part of their relationship and not realize the importance of learning that the misbehavior is not welcome and punishment is not pleasurable.

Others will try to get punished by being unusually bratty when they really just want to play. It unfortunately shows a lack of self-control and submissive weakness. Normal bratty behavior can be cute and endearing if the Dominant likes that attitude. Being aggressively so is what I’m referring to here.

Punishment is not  goal, it is something to be avoided. Your bad behavior reflects poorly on yourself and your Dominant. It can undermind the progress you have made in your submission and can end your relationship. Living in carte blanche syndrome is like not taking enough serious work into becoming the best submissive you can be for your Dominant. It’s time to change your thinking.

Focus on the Positive

Submission is a journey that never ends. If you try to change, you can change. Through open communication and focused energy you can be the shining light in your Dominant’s eyes. Live for the praise and positive reinforcement. You’ve earned it.

Show Off Your Positions! [Day 14 - 2WBSP]

You have followed the whole series of Submissive Positions posts here at Submissive Guide. If not, start back at the beginning, I’ll wait for you here.

Are you back? Ready to show them off?

Today’s post is all about you! I want to see what you came up with for positions that worked best for you. Share your blog posts about the subject, pictures and video! Show us your gracefull curtsy or perhaps pictures of your kneeling and standing positions. Have you served at a dinner party? Did you write about it? Let us know!

Even if you are just starting to learn them, take a few pictures and share them. You do not have to have your face in the photo if you want to remain anonymous. I’m fine with that. Just let me see what you’ve learned or what you can teach!

A picture is worth 1000 words, what are your pictures saying?

If you don’t want to post in the comments, my email box is open. I’ll add them to this post if you give me permission to. Just head on up to the Contact page link and let me know or send all mail to subguide@gmail.com.

Thank you for a wonderful series. I hope you had a wonderful time!

photo credit ryancr

Two Weeks to Better Submissive Positions

A Grand Apology [Day 11 - 2WBSP]

Today’s task is to learn an appropriate pose to take when apologizing for wrong-doing. If you need to review the past posts in this series, please take a look at the leading post.

This position is hopefully something you don’t have to do often but since we are all human, it is going to happen. I’ve had my own mis-steps and misbehavior that has landing me over his lap or chastized in another way. This position would certainly be helpful for me in my need to feel forgiven.

How do you want to appear when asking forgiveness? Is there a position that draws you from what we’ve already learned for use during apologies? Would you prefer standing or kneeling? What would your Dominant want from you?

Try It

1. Kneel, head lowered with whatever hand position you feel would express your apology best.
2. Express your apology in a clear and concise voice.
3. Stay in that position until your Dominant gives you permission to move.

Another option may be to lay flat on your back with your hands either extended in front of you, or clasped behind your back. This may be best done when no vocal apology is required or they have plans for punishment that require your immobility.

How do you show your Dominant that you are sorry? Is it in word and deed?