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The Top 30 Posts of 2009
January 5, 2010 by lunaKM
Filed under Views on D/s
A year ago I started a small blog project called Submissive Guide. I wanted it to be an organized place where I could voice my opinions about submission, help novices discover who they are and explore BDSM through the written word. Since that time it has grown to so much more, including an e-book, a newsletter and video posts.
To celebrate one year of excellent writing I wanted to showcase the top 30 posts of 2009. I’ve noted in the link if the author was a guest post. Please take a look at what has had the most views since starting out one year ago. You may have missed a few gems!
- What is slave training?
- Rituals that Work
- 2 Weeks to Better Submissive Positions
- Best Submissive Blogslist
- The Difference Between Bottom, Masochist, Submissive and Slave
- 7 Things You Can Do Today to Improve Your Submission
- Discovering Your Submissive Nature
- How to Beg When Asked
- Mapping Out Your Ideal Submission
- A Great Example of a Slave’s Rosary
- Learning To Kneel (from 2 Weeks to Better Submissive Positions)
- The Importance of Rules
- Beginning Your Training Resume
- Dominance as a Slave Training Tool for Better Submission
- Caring For Yourself After a Scene: Self-Aftercare
- The BDSM Checklist That Will Really Help You
- Offering Your Body for Service (from 2 Weeks to Better Submissive Positions)
- What it Means to be an Owned Kajira by dina
- The Nitty Gritty of the BDSM Lifestyle
- 5 Ways to Recognize Topping from the Bottom
- Another 7 Things You Can Do Today to Improve Your Submission
- Your Bathing Regime
- Where to Buy a Collar Online
- The Importance of Journaling Your Submission
- Pet Play and Human Pets Primer by skylerpet
- The Realities of Online Submission
- Two Dominants by Aria
- Submission By Choice: Learned Submission
- Sub Drop’s Emotional Side
- 10 Helpful Websites for the Busy Submissive
Here’s to another year of great content!
The Safety Disguise of Safewords
I’ve always believed that safewords are only good if you know how to use them. Good ole communication is great for things like numb limbs, an itch you can’t reach or a bathroom break. Submissive Guide is here for novices and it’s always good to teach about safewords and recommend that you have one.
In every beginning BDSM book you will find information on safewords. On this site I have an essay on safewords. What I’ve read recently from Emma is some very obvious news about safewords that most people don’t pick up on their own and never share with others. Well, I’m going to share it with you.
Protect Your Safety
In a play situation you need to establish trust with your play partner. If you choose to play with a relative stranger you are putting yourself in danger of not having your safeword respected. Safewords can not protect you from someone who intends to do you harm. No matter how many times you shout ‘red’ in a dangerous situation a predator will not heed. Just like a stop sign, it only works if drivers obey the law and actually stop. The trust that is needed in a relationship is what makes a safe word really work for you.
Don’t ever expect your safeword to protect you. I’ve read horror stories where a submissive said she thought her safeword was all she needed to stay safe. A lot of the BDSM play we engage in is inherently dangerous and risky (even if you believe in Safe, Sane and Consensual). A verbalized stop word is not going to make you any safer.
It Starts With Trust
You can not have safewords without trust. As you’ve read and hopefully understand now a safeword is a false blanket of security. Building trust with your partner is all about open, honest communication and respect. How do you build trust?
The answer is acceptance.
Once you accept your partner for who they are then your trust will come right along with it. Sure that means you need to accept yourself first and we are always hearing about that, but in this article we are building trust in our partner so that if we choose to use safewords they will work.
Negotiate, Negotiate, Negotiate
Every relationship starts somewhere, even the quick and casual play partners are relationships. I can’t stress enough that you need to communicate and share your needs and desires in order to get them. Doing this also includes requesting and agreeing on a safeword if works for you. Even if a Dominant doesn’t believe in safewords, a negotiation where a safeword is requested should be honored.
Say ‘No’
In the worst situation imaginable where your safeword is being ignored, begin screaming ‘no’. Unfortunately this won’t necessarily make the person stop but it will give you some legal leverage later. Not all legal authorities understand or respect stop words, our safewords. They will ask if you said ‘no’.
Wrapping It Up
It’s not my intention to scare you or convince you that you shouldn’t have a safeword. I’m hoping that what you’ve learned is that you need to have more than a word to protect you if you plan to play.
Do you have any other advice about safewords that you’d like to pass on?
The Challenges of Being Kajira in Today’s Society
September 18, 2009 by Guest Author
Filed under Defining Submission
Today’s guest post is by dina from Kajiradreams. You can also read her post on what it’s like to be an owned kajira and a kajira’s strengths and misconceptions.
When you chat to someone on the street do you suddenly announce to them you are a Christian or a Muslim? Do you tell them without cause you are a vegetarian or your political views? Do you suddenly announce to your friends over a pint that you are gay and had a fucking huge cock up the arse last night?
Of course you don’t. These are things that are personal to you. They are your personal preferences. They are your lifestyle choices. They are nobody’s business to know unless you wish them to.
So why should someone who lives the gorean lifestyle be any different?
If someone asks me if I am Gorean I will answer them honestly. If someone asks if I am kajira I will answer them honestly. But I will not share it with people out of context just as I will not announce I am a confirmed Christian or that I can skin and gut a rabbit in 15 minutes. It is personal to me and none of their damn business.
In any case, going back to the stereotypes and misconceptions, most people either wouldn’t have a clue what you were on about, or have an extremely warped and misguided idea that you were being held against your will in an abusive relationship.
So what are the challenges?
The challenges are being able to live and be who you are without having to justify yourself to every fucking stranger – and family – because your lifestyle and relationship dynamic doesn’t fit modern day societal norms we have had rammed down our throats every single day since we were born.
Being kajira is more than the misconception that you are a sex slave
Being kajira doesn’t mean you are consenting to abuse
Being kajira does not mean you must have a mental illness
Living in a gorean relationship doesn’t mean you are in an abusive relationship
It doesn’t mean the man is a wife-beating obnoxious UG who just wants a woman who will agree with everything he does, clean and cook for him and will let him treat her like shit without question.
Being kajira does not mean you don’t have an opinion, or a mind, or thoughts.
Being kajira does not mean you speak in third person.
Being kajira does not mean you are weak
Being kajira and living the gorean lifestyle means you are the exact opposite of every single sentence I have just quoted – and most people cannot handle that.
In fact the very fact you are a kajirae mean most Men out there cannot handle you or give you what you need.
And that’s the challenge.
Having to wear the masks in public.
Having to be conscious of what you say.
Hiding your true self.
Living the lifestyle…?
Having to justify your role to people who notice something and question you – in a way that they will understand
Having to adjust your speech in public so you don’t call your partner “my Master” in public and have the joy of answering all the questions it will raise
Having to adjust your behavior and house rules when friends come round to your home or you are visiting
These are some of the challenges of being kajira. Because society will not accept you if they think you are different. It threatens their imperfect little bubble.
But it isn’t the biggest challenge…
The biggest challenge of being kajira in today’s society is being true to yourself regardless of peoples perceptions and societies expectations.
That is the challenge and by choosing to live as kajira, it means you will fight it every single day.
Some days you will lose that fight. But so what?
Success isn’t about winning or losing. Success is about having the strength to pick yourself up and try again on the days you fail.
photo by The Pug Father
Strengths and Misconceptions of Kajira
September 16, 2009 by Guest Author
Filed under Defining Submission
This is another guest post by dina of kajiradreams. She continues her thoughts on Gor and the life of a kajira. You can also read her thoughts on what it’s like to be an owned kajira.
The strengths of a kajira and the misconceptions of what a kajira is and does.
And what strengths better a kajira in being her Master’s absolute and total property….
I want to make one statement before I write what was set of me.
Gor, Gorean philosophy, Gorean lifestyle is exactly that. A lifestyle that is chose by those that have a particular set of intrinsic ideals. I have no time for role-players or wannabes. it is not something that you can ‘act’. It is not a ‘role’ you can play. It has to be lived, from the heart. Also, Gor is a fictional planet within a series of fantasy novels written by John Lange under the pen name John Norman. Gorean lifestyle can be lived here on Earth, but with adaptations, compromises and understanding. Gor of the books is fiction. The underlying principles and values are real.
I feel I should start with the misconceptions surrounding a kajira, as I know so many people in my life that would look with horror and complete incomprehension of that word (that is is they knew what it meant). To outside observers Gorean philosophy appears to subjugate women, treating them as mere objects, owned, ordered about, used as mere sex objects. It also appears at first glance to be all about sex, about sex mad dumb blondes with no brains or ability to exercise their own independence or free will… with no brains to know what they want, reliant on another person. women who have no mind of their own, no thoughts or ideas. Men who want to just use females, objectify them, dehumanise them… All in all, weak minded, easily controlled people who get a kick out of being treat like a piece of meat.
Sorry to disappoint you all agreeing with that statement, but it isn’t.
The Gorean lifestyle actually allows women to be women and men to be Men. I am a woman, quite categorically female and I am a completely different creature of the human species type to Men, I am softer in nature, more emotional, curvier and more able to love unconditionally. Gor allows me to be true to my nature and to myself.
Ultimately Gor comes down to the need for control though. The need of one person to be controlled and another to take control. Gor is about finding yourself in fulfilling that need.
So what are the strengths of a kajira?
For me a kajira is a woman who is confident in her femininity, strong in her commitment and strong in spirit. As kajira I offered myself to my Master freely, of my own free will and in that I chose to give my own will into his care. I am obedient, not because I have to, but because I choose to be. I know I can be forced into obedience by my Master, but that would not be pleasing. My first priority is to be pleasing to my Master and within that I choose to willingly do whatever he asks in order to meet his desires. In doing so I gain pleasure. A kajira is expected to give herself over entirely to her Master, heart, mind, body and spirit and under his guidance learn what is expected of her. I find as I learn more and more what is expected of me, I give more and more of myself. It is without doubt a difficult process and fears surface each time a limit is pushed or a change is realised, but it is a very worthwhile journey and not everything is painful. A Master does not walk this path out of cruelty or a desire to inflict pain, or a desire to have a kajira who will blindly do his bidding… I mean, how many people really want to spend time with a mindless robot? I don’t walk this path as kajira out of fear either, but because I want to. I want to please my Master, in every and any way I can. I want to meet his expectations of me, I want him to be proud of who and what I am, and what I freely give to him out of love and trust and submission. I need to remember, internalize that thought and trust that what my Master demands of me is for my own good.
It has been said that a kajira has no responsibilities or thoughts of her own, that the master holds all the responsibilities. All I can say to that is get real! have you ever actually thought about what it really means to be pleasing to a Master at all times? I am by no means expert, but even I know It certainly is not easy and neither is it meant to be. I find my master makes me look into myself, recognize and accept my beauty, speak my ideas, thoughts, dreams, fantasies and aspirations and be loved just for being myself. It is a hard thing to do.. to accept yourself and realize that you are loved just for being that person, the dark side of your nature just as much as the light. It takes an inordinate amount of strength, but in doing so I see that no matter what, my love for him is returned 10 fold and I am forced to feel it; I feel my life is safe from harm, that my Master protects me and shields me from all that is wrong in the world, whether that be other peoples actions, intent or malice. This strong, dominant, honourable man who consciously and purposefully demands every intimate feeling and thought I have. The desire and need that creates within me is overwhelming, the need to turn over my most basic human rights and trust totally and completely in one Man and his decisions. In a previous post I made reference to IE. IE for those that do not know, stands for Internal Enslavement. If you want to know what that is, look it up. I am not going to explain it here.
The strengths of a kajira for me is to allow this to happen. To have the strength to give that level of control over to another, to trust that they will act accordingly in the best interests of both themselves and their property. The strength to look into yourself and accept everything that is there, good and bad. The strength to change aspects of yourself in order to please another. The strength to place everything you have ever accepted as intrinsic to who you are, to one side as you learn. To relearn who you are and your place in life and in society. The strength to consciously choose a path whereby another will exercise the process of IE within you, knowing full well that as you walk that path you consciously and freely chose the end result, the result whereby you are psychologically bound to your Master in such a way you are mentally no longer able to exercise free will.
I am uncomfortable admitting it within myself, but I am a strong person. It keeps being pointed out to me and demonstrated quite clearly, but I feel uncomfortable accepting it when I find myself turning into everything I have previously detested. but I am strong. I will make those changes for my Master, not just because he demands it of me, but because I need to. It takes great strength to be completely 100% honest with another, especially when it is regarding things you are ashamed of or things that have upset you in the past, but I do it. I do so because I trust my Master to guide me and teach me how to please him better. One that sticks out quite sharply for me as a strength is the ability to trust in his judgment. I need to explain this one a bit better.
I am not a mindless robot. I am fiery, I am passionate, I am ruled by strong deep-seated emotions, I am intelligent, I have ideas, thoughts, concerns, issues, fantasies, wants and needs. It is instinctual when someone demands an action for me to question. sometimes there will be quite strong fears or concerns regarding this. Being kajira does not mean that I give my Master blind obedience; being kajira means that there is a time and a place for everything. That I must trust my Master to allow me to express those fears and concerns, that I must trust him to help me work through them so they are no longer barriers. That I must trust my Master to be acting in both his and my best interests. and that at the end of it all, regardless of how strongly opposed my own feelings may or may not be, I have the strength to say the words which are the right of every kajirae. “Yes Master”.
Another key strength for me is being able to let go, lose myself as I fall down this rabbit hole in the knowledge that my Master will always be there when I fail, and I will fail for I am human but he will be there allowing me to pick myself up, evaluate what went wrong and continue the journey, knowing that as I lose myself, I also find myself.
Two final points to make, I know I have rambled on here quite a bit and I have repeated myself a lot… I am not going to edit it though as I feel it will detract from showing my Master my thought process.
- I have an ever growing, innate need to be pleasing to my Master. I cannot switch that off. It eats inside me, demanding to be fed and to feed it means giving everything I am over to the hands of another; becoming bound to them in a way that there is no retreat, no escape route, no leniency. This is a very frightening concept and process, but just because it is ’scary’ does not mean I will back away from it. I always have enjoyed a good fight and I know within myself I have that strength to move through those fears and become everything I can be and more.
- “If you resent being polished how can you become a mirror”. Within the need to be pleasing to my Master, there is a further desire to be a reflection of him, his ideals, his standards, his integrity, honesty, confidence, strength of character, dedication and commitment. I desire for my Master to see within me what I see in him. He makes me so happy and content and complete. I want to give him everything he desires and more besides. I have to. I have to in order to be true to myself.
Done. Finito!
Photo by Strength ~vs~ Weakness
What It Means to Be an Owned Kajira
September 15, 2009 by Guest Author
Filed under Defining Submission
Today’s guest post is by dina from Kajiradreams. She’s donated a few posts for this week on Gorean Living so watch for them in the coming days!
My Master gave me the task of writing down my thoughts on what it means to be an owned kajira. I can only ever write this from my own feelings and own perspective, and to be honest it has taken a lot of thinking about. Most of my thinking though has been centered around making all the incoherent, disjointed thoughts make sense and I am still unsure if it makes any sense to anyone bar me!
I am stuck at the end of it though with one word. Just one simple word which to me sums up everything it means to me to be an owned kajira.
Peace.
Now, I know my Master will not accept from me one word as the totality of my thoughts *smiles* so I know I am going to have to write more, to give Him the inner workings of my mind and feelings so he can dissect them at his leisure; stored away for future use as He sees fit…. (me, cynical?…. Noooooo!) Ah well, my thoughts are not my own anyway, they belong to my Assassin – just like every single part of me.
But that is part of what it means to be owned isn’t it?
To be owned as kajira means:
- I have not just submitted myself to another, I have willingly and freely surrendered my totality to my Master.
“Submit = to present for the approval, consideration, or decision of another or others.”
“Surrender = The act of surrendering; the act of yielding, or resigning ones person, or the possession of something, into the power of another; as, the surrender of a castle to an enemy; the surrender of a right.”
Please note the difference in words. By submitting to my Master I put myself before him for consideration or approval.. I have free choice whether to accept that decision or not. I choose whether to accept his authority over me. However, owned kajira not only submit, they must also surrender, I am not only deeply compelled within myself to surrender, but demanded to by my master – and I have no doubts that my Master will hold me to ever single letter of that word. Owned kajira willingly and freely gave up all choice and decisions by accepting their Master. my Masters’ word is final and absolute. (and I think I may have just frightened myself a little here…)
- Owned kajira have no rights, I have no rights. I have only privileges, granted or removed as my Master deems appropriate.
As human beings we have grown up with basic concepts of our own rights. We have a basic human right of free choice, a right to decide what we want, a right to act without asking permission, a right to choose a career, what to wear, who to talk to, a right to be our own person. kajirae feel the need within themselves to give up those rights… whether they initially realise that need or not. As an owned kajira, I freely gave those rights up. Yes, it is an interesting process to relearn what we have been taught from birth and it is not without a few stark realisations along the way. A simple privilege for me is that my Master gives me the right to blog, but I know that right could be taken away from me without any explanation whatsoever, regardless of my feelings. For me, writing is part of me, part of who I am, it gives clarity to my thoughts, allows me to get them out of my head and be able to look at them objectively. It is an integral part of me, but if my Master decided he did not want me to, then so be it.. I am owned, I gave up choice remember.
- I belong, wholly, to Him. Mind, Body, Soul, Heart.
I am laughing now, I want to just put here refer to first point! I can’t do that though can I? As kajirae we have a need, a calling within us to submit to another. Master recognises within me things I know I don’t, but that does not mean to say they are not there, just that I have not acknowledged their presence yet. Whether the word we use is submissive, kajira, bottom… once we recognise we have that need it is pretty hard to ignore, it’s as if we have finally recognised the gaping void that signifies we are not complete. For an owned kajira though, it becomes more than just a ‘play’ session or scratching an itch. It is a deep-seated need to belong to that person in our entirety 24/7. A Master may claim your body first, with minimal work maybe part of your heart – but He is not satisfied with that. my Master is not satisfied with that. my Master has without question demanded and claimed the whole of my heart, my thoughts, which now centre around him and my spirit, which cries out to be with him. With him I feel whole and complete and I can only be complete with him as my Master. By belonging to my Master in ALL ways, he has every right to use me, train me, mould and shape me into whatever he desires: and now I am left with my only desire being to serve him, to please him. Don’t think I have forgotten though that if I don’t please him, he has every right to punish me in any and every way he sees fit. He also has every right to cause me pain for the sheer hell of it – because it pleases him.
- I live to serve Him. To please him.
Yeah yeah, vanilla reading this will think wtf?! I think the majority of subs and maybe even unowned kajirae would be thinking why would anyone be so sad as to have one person as the centre of their life, their existence? Sorry, but I honestly feel this is something very internal and personal within an owned kajira. Only with my Master and being owned can I be complete, but I cannot be kajira or owned without giving my Master my all. The only thing left within me then, becomes the desire to serve and to remain owned. I cannot now comprehend life without my Master, life as unowned or free. I am in no way shape or form, free.
- His will is my desire.
This just follows on from the last one. It does not matter how much I do not wish to do something, or how much I try to fight against it, in the end it all boils down to the same thing. my Master is my whole world and no matter how much it hurts me to say it, I would do anything he asked of me. That I must say hurts for one reason only and I am not prepared to write that reason here.
- Trusting my Master, totally without condition or question.
A good Master who is true to himself would not think of collaring a submissive unless he was prepared to take on the inherent responsibility that implies. all submissives whatever their level of submission give trust to their Master or Dom, it is part of the deal. For owned kajirae, for me… it goes far far beyond that basic conditional trust of “you have my trust but/until…” my Master owns me, for me to surrender myself to him completely as he demands, I have no choice but to have a trust in him that has no boundrys or conditions. I trust my Master to push me to my limits, to explore my limits, to know how far to push before stepping back and allowing me to come to terms with that new realisation that yet another thing has changed.
- I must be true to what I am.
I am what I am, period. We all to varying degrees instinctively hide our true selves from others, whether that be thoughts, feelings, desires, needs. I as an owned kajira cannot hide, I must be true to what I am for my Master. That means dropping all that facade, the barriers that naturally come to mind when we feel the need to protect ourselves. I am in no position to protect myself, I am kajira. It is not my place to. It is not my place to hide my emotions, or tame them unless my Master wishes. It is my place to be the loving, clumsy, sensual, bolshy, caring, frightened, strong, impaitent, intelligent, emotional, imaginative, feral (yeah, i know) person that I am.
…Which all brings me back to that one simple word… PEACE. I can try to fight all I want who I am inside, but in the end I will not win because I am what I am. I can try to fight my feelings, but love is not to be fought against, only fought for. I cannot win a fight to not love someone. Being an owned kajira to me means one thing, being at peace with myself. Actually accepting who I am – and being lucky enough to find in my Assassin, my Love Master and completion.
Last night something happened. Me in my panic desperately thought of ways to try and resolve or excuse what could be an issue which would bring about a seriously major change. I even took a picture of what I had decided to do and sent it to my Master. Thing is, after I sent the email I just closed the computer down. I could not do what I had blindly resolved. The reason why I could not go through with my half baked plan?
my Master.
I am kajira….HIS kajira.
I trust him without question.
I love him.
I have surrended my body, mind, spirit and heart into his hands, his care.
I must be true to what I am.
I could not do it because it would not have been what my Master wanted. So, no matter what comes of it, I will face it honestly and front on. I cannot do anything else because at the end of the day, I am my Master’s kajira and I belong at the feet of my Assassin. If that means dealing with an issue quicker than I thought then so be it.
dina writes in her blog at kajiradreams. Watch for her other guest posts coming up on this site!
Books That Might Interest You
Saga of Gor
This Curious Human Phenomenon: An Exploration of Some Uncommonly Explored Aspects of BDSM
The Roundtable: Gorean Lifestyle
September 11, 2009 by lunaKM
Filed under Roundtable Discussions
Gather around the table everyone, I’d like to learn about something I don’t know a lot about. I welcome you to add your thoughts and comments to this post and if you feel an inclination, send me a guest post letting me know what you think.
This month we are talking the Gorean Lifestyle. I’d like to cover the online phenomenon and the real life adaptation of Gor. Here are some questions I have that I’d love answered.
- What are the characteristic traits of a kajira in Gor?
- What are the characteristic traits of a Master in Gor?
- What is the a Free Woman?
- Are male submissives part of Gor?
- How does a Gorean chat room operate? What’s it like?
- What is a Gorean relationship like in real life?
- What are the core values of a Gorean lifestyle?
- What makes a Gorean lifestyle different from a M/s or D/s relationship?
- Why are so many people critical about Gorean lifestyle choices?
- Anything else you’d like to share?
Best Submissive Blogslist
May 5, 2009 by lunaKM
Filed under BDSM Basics
There are thousands of blogs on the internet by submissives. Some of them are decently written and by all means, worth following. This is not that list. This list is about the best submissive blogs out there; the ones that drive you to want to participate, feel their journey and be a part of their lives.
I’d love you to go to each of these websites, leave a comment and tell them Submissive Guide sent you.
- A subtle slavegirl
- A Submissive’s musings
- Behind the Collar
- Craving His Touch
- danae whispering
- Journey Into Submission
- Kitten’s Pawprints
- MD’s precious treasure
- persephone in love
- Ramblings of a kajira
- slave journal of the kiva
- The Femme Fagette
- The Journey
- This girl’s weblog
- Under His Hand
- View From the Floor
Think you should be on the list? Let me know!
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