Lactation Play and the Adult Nursing Relationship

This is a guest post by dani. She is a new submissive in an Adult Nursing relationship.You can read about Erotic Lactation at Wikipedia or visit Land of Milk and Honey for more information.

We didn’t start 2009 with any kind of BDSM activities in our lives, so we have quite the journey over the last 12 months! For many couples an Adult Nursing Relationship is not considered  kinky nor does it have any connection between lactation and BDSM. For us, lactation was a first step down a new path.

Our journey to re-lactation began as the first kinky request my husband made of me. We have been together for 13 years and while he suckled for my relief when our babies were breastfed, i hadn’t had any milk for over a year. He had been looking up on line how to induce and he asked me to do it one evening. While i didn’t think re-lactation was possible, i was excited about his enthusiasm and his request of me.  We started with a pretty relaxed schedule, but he suckled 3x a day for about 20 minutes a side.

Suckling became totally intoxicating.  i craved it and couldn’t wait for him to come home from work so we could sneak off and have our time together.  Not surprisingly, all of the attention did wonders for my libido.  My husband compared me to an old car. If you let her go too long without getting her started, she will take longer to get warmed up.  Better to turn her over more often, keep her warm, she will start every time…and as it turned out i was now always warm!  We went from having sex two or so times a week, to having sex two times a day. We spent so much time together, just the two of us, holding each other and that wasn’t something we had ever done before.  Making time for just us was an amazing boost to our relationship, and it wasn’t easy, but it was so worth it.  We found that we didn’t bicker at each other nearly as much as we used to and of course he was much more sexually satisfied. i guess i was, too.

Once milk began to come in, i loved the way my breasts felt.  They were bigger (and they weren’t really small to begin with), but also firmer.  They looked fine without a bra, which was not something i had ever really done before.  They also felt full. i had nursed two babies and once that was over, my breasts felt like deflated balloons. So, we were both very happy with the physical changes.

Feeling sexier and being physically together so much more often, led to more, shall we say, creative sex for us.  He opened up about wanting milky breasts and i was able to open up more about other, more submissive, behavior i was interested in exploring.

Now as my Master, he gives me shivers when he tells me to “milk” myself or to take good care of his breasts. i hate the term, “milking”, but when he tells me to do it, it sends me to the moon.  We are still suckling regularly and while i don’t make as much milk as he would like, we both still love spending the time together a couple of times a day.

dani is a new submissive and this is her first guest post on Submissive Guide. You can reach her on FetLife at milkydani

SubWise #5: A Year’s Reflection

Last week I asked you to talk about your reflections on the year and your progress with submission. Here are the submissions I received. There is some excellent advice here folks! Check it out. Make sure you leave comments!

(Participants, repost the link list within a week and you’re all set.)

Decorating Master’s Sofa

lunaKM

pet’s journey

The conversation isn’t over. If you would like to share your advice, please do so in the comments!

SubWise #4: Favorite Scene Memory

Last week I asked you to talk about your favorite scene memory. Here are the submissions I got. There is some excellent advice here folks! Check it out. Make sure you leave comments!

(Participants, repost the link list within a week and you’re all set.)

pet’s journey

BDSM is Love

The conversation isn’t over. If you would like to share your advice, please do so in the comments!

Submissive Journey Weekend 2010 Registration Now Open

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE – Please cross-post

Welcome to the 3rd Annual Submissive Journey Weekend…

I am proud to announce that registration for the next Submissive Journey Weekend is now open. We cordially invite those who identify as submissive, slave, girl, boi /boy, bottom, pup, etc. to a weekend of learning, growth and support. All genders, sexual orientations,and experience levels, are welcome.

The classes at SJW will focus on service skills training, personal growth and relationship-oriented classes all with the intent to inspire further learning and growth in the submissive.

Come stay with us for three days and two nights at a luxurious cabin nestled in the beautiful mountains in Pigeon Forge, TN . We have people that attend from all over the country and even Canada. Your registration package will include lodging, meals, educational materials, event t-shirt, over 15 different classes and large group discussions, and much more.

In an attempt to offer personalized attention I am offering only 45 openings so please don’t wait to register. We fill up fast! We already have applications coming in.

For more detailed information please feel free to visit our website at submissive journey weekend

Please contact kendell at sjw.information@gmail.com for any questions you may have. I’d love to talk to you.

~ A Thank you to our Sponsors
This would not be possible without the support and kindness of our sponsors. If you are interested in sponsoring or making a donation to the Submissive Journey Weekend please check out our sponsor information page on our website.

Please feel free to cross post this announcement or share it with others who might be interested in this event

Thank you,
kendell
SJW – Producer

SubWise #2: Advice You Swear By

Last week I asked you to share some advice that you live by or love passing on to novices because it worked so well for you. Here’s the submissions I got. There is some excellent advice here folks! Check it out. Make sure you leave comments!

Participants, repost the link list within a week and you’re all set.

• this girl
• ember’s submissive journey
• pet’s journey

The conversation isn’t over. If you would like to share your advice, please do so in the comments!

Exploring Your Place in BDSM Play

Submission during play can be overwhelming. How do you understand what you might like? What about the buzz words of subspace and sub drop? One of Submissive Guide’s goals is to help novice submissives understand BDSM and their place in it. To help you begin your exploration I’ve put together a list of the posts here to help you on your journey.

• Why BDSM is NOT D/s – skylarpet shares her thoughts on the differences between BDSM and the relationship type D/s.
• Safe Sane and Consensual – Learn what your responsibilities are when it comes to playing.
• RACK – SSC not your idea of a good way to play? Try Risk Aware Consensual Kink.
• The BDSM Checklist that will Really Help You – Checklists offered online are extensive, overwhelming and increasingly not useful. Learn how to write one that will work with your development.
• Using Playtime Check-Ins Wisely – Communicating effectively during play is vital to a comfortable and pleasurable playtime.
• To Safeword or Not to Safeword – The use of safewords in BDSM and deciding if they are important to you.
• Nonverbal Ways to Safeword – How do you express discomfort or the need to stop when you are gagged or hooded? Come read about some nonverbal options.
• Packing a Toybag – Dominants are not the only ones who should come prepared. See what you should have with you when you play.
• Sub Space – What is it? Do I want it? How much does it cost?
• Emotional Aspects of Sub Drop – The crash when play is over can be physical and emotional. Take a look at the emotional side; which can be the hardest to deal with.
• Sub Frenzy – What is it and can you get it? Is it contagious? Find out how you can cool the fever!
• Aftercare for Yourself – Putting together a kit to help you heal after playing is important in casual and live-in relationships.

This isn’t all there is to BDSM play, trust me. But it’s a start. Now open for questions!

photo by spankmeeehard

Strengths and Misconceptions of Kajira

This is another guest post by dina of kajiradreams. She continues her thoughts on Gor and the life of a kajira. You can also read her thoughts on what it’s like to be an owned kajira.

The strengths of a kajira and the misconceptions of what a kajira is and does.
And what strengths better a kajira in being her Master’s absolute and total property….

I want to make one statement before I write what was set of me.
Gor, Gorean philosophy, Gorean lifestyle is exactly that. A lifestyle that is chose by those that have a particular set of intrinsic ideals. I have no time for role-players or wannabes. it is not something that you can ‘act’. It is not a ‘role’ you can play. It has to be lived, from the heart. Also, Gor is a fictional planet within a series of fantasy novels written by John Lange under the pen name John Norman. Gorean lifestyle can be lived here on Earth, but with adaptations, compromises and understanding. Gor of the books is fiction. The underlying principles and values are real.

I feel I should start with the misconceptions surrounding a kajira, as I know so many people in my life that would look with horror and complete incomprehension of that word (that is is they knew what it meant). To outside observers Gorean philosophy appears to subjugate women, treating them as mere objects, owned, ordered about, used as mere sex objects. It also appears at first glance to be all about sex, about sex mad dumb blondes with no brains or ability to exercise their own independence or free will… with no brains to know what they want, reliant on another person. women who have no mind of their own, no thoughts or ideas. Men who want to just use females, objectify them, dehumanise them… All in all, weak minded, easily controlled people who get a kick out of being treat like a piece of meat.

Sorry to disappoint you all agreeing with that statement, but it isn’t.
The Gorean lifestyle actually allows women to be women and men to be Men. I am a woman, quite categorically female and I am a completely different creature of the human species type to Men, I am softer in nature, more emotional, curvier and more able to love unconditionally. Gor allows me to be true to my nature and to myself.

Ultimately Gor comes down to the need for control though. The need of one person to be controlled and another to take control. Gor is about finding yourself in fulfilling that need.

So what are the strengths of a kajira?
For me a kajira is a woman who is confident in her femininity, strong in her commitment and strong in spirit. As kajira I offered myself to my Master freely, of my own free will and in that I chose to give my own will into his care. I am obedient, not because I have to, but because I choose to be. I know I can be forced into obedience by my Master, but that would not be pleasing. My first priority is to be pleasing to my Master and within that I choose to willingly do whatever he asks in order to meet his desires. In doing so I gain pleasure. A kajira is expected to give herself over entirely to her Master, heart, mind, body and spirit and under his guidance learn what is expected of her. I find as I learn more and more what is expected of me, I give more and more of myself. It is without doubt a difficult process and fears surface each time a limit is pushed or a change is realised, but it is a very worthwhile journey and not everything is painful. A Master does not walk this path out of cruelty or a desire to inflict pain, or a desire to have a kajira who will blindly do his bidding… I mean, how many people really want to spend time with a mindless robot? I don’t walk this path as kajira out of fear either, but because I want to. I want to please my Master, in every and any way I can. I want to meet his expectations of me, I want him to be proud of who and what I am, and what I freely give to him out of love and trust and submission. I need to remember, internalize that thought and trust that what my Master demands of me is for my own good.

It has been said that a kajira has no responsibilities or thoughts of her own, that the master holds all the responsibilities. All I can say to that is get real! have you ever actually thought about what it really means to be pleasing to a Master at all times? I am by no means expert, but even I know It certainly is not easy and neither is it meant to be. I find my master makes me look into myself, recognize and accept my beauty, speak my ideas, thoughts, dreams, fantasies and aspirations and be loved just for being myself. It is a hard thing to do.. to accept yourself and realize that you are loved just for being that person, the dark side of your nature just as much as the light. It takes an inordinate amount of strength, but in doing so I see that no matter what, my love for him is returned 10 fold and I am forced to feel it; I feel my life is safe from harm, that my Master protects me and shields me from all that is wrong in the world, whether that be other peoples actions, intent or malice. This strong, dominant, honourable man who consciously and purposefully demands every intimate feeling and thought I have. The desire and need that creates within me is overwhelming, the need to turn over my most basic human rights and trust totally and completely in one Man and his decisions. In a previous post I made reference to IE. IE for those that do not know, stands for Internal Enslavement. If you want to know what that is, look it up. I am not going to explain it here.

The strengths of a kajira for me is to allow this to happen. To have the strength to give that level of control over to another, to trust that they will act accordingly in the best interests of both themselves and their property. The strength to look into yourself and accept everything that is there, good and bad. The strength to change aspects of yourself in order to please another. The strength to place everything you have ever accepted as intrinsic to who you are, to one side as you learn. To relearn who you are and your place in life and in society. The strength to consciously choose a path whereby another will exercise the process of IE within you, knowing full well that as you walk that path you consciously and freely chose the end result, the result whereby you are psychologically bound to your Master in such a way you are mentally no longer able to exercise free will.

I am uncomfortable admitting it within myself, but I am a strong person. It keeps being pointed out to me and demonstrated quite clearly, but I feel uncomfortable accepting it when I find myself turning into everything I have previously detested. but I am strong. I will make those changes for my Master, not just because he demands it of me, but because I need to. It takes great strength to be completely 100% honest with another, especially when it is regarding things you are ashamed of or things that have upset you in the past, but I do it. I do so because I trust my Master to guide me and teach me how to please him better. One that sticks out quite sharply for me as a strength is the ability to trust in his judgment. I need to explain this one a bit better.

I am not a mindless robot. I am fiery, I am passionate, I am ruled by strong deep-seated emotions, I am intelligent, I have ideas, thoughts, concerns, issues, fantasies, wants and needs. It is instinctual when someone demands an action for me to question. sometimes there will be quite strong fears or concerns regarding this. Being kajira does not mean that I give my Master blind obedience; being kajira means that there is a time and a place for everything. That I must trust my Master to allow me to express those fears and concerns, that I must trust him to help me work through them so they are no longer barriers. That I must trust my Master to be acting in both his and my best interests. and that at the end of it all, regardless of how strongly opposed my own feelings may or may not be, I have the strength to say the words which are the right of every kajirae. “Yes Master”.

Another key strength for me is being able to let go, lose myself as I fall down this rabbit hole in the knowledge that my Master will always be there when I fail, and I will fail for I am human but he will be there allowing me to pick myself up, evaluate what went wrong and continue the journey, knowing that as I lose myself, I also find myself.

Two final points to make, I know I have rambled on here quite a bit and I have repeated myself a lot… I am not going to edit it though as I feel it will detract from showing my Master my thought process.

1. I have an ever growing, innate need to be pleasing to my Master. I cannot switch that off. It eats inside me, demanding to be fed and to feed it means giving everything I am over to the hands of another; becoming bound to them in a way that there is no retreat, no escape route, no leniency. This is a very frightening concept and process, but just because it is ’scary’ does not mean I will back away from it. I always have enjoyed a good fight and I know within myself I have that strength to move through those fears and become everything I can be and more.
2. “If you resent being polished how can you become a mirror”. Within the need to be pleasing to my Master, there is a further desire to be a reflection of him, his ideals, his standards, his integrity, honesty, confidence, strength of character, dedication and commitment. I desire for my Master to see within me what I see in him. He makes me so happy and content and complete. I want to give him everything he desires and more besides. I have to. I have to in order to be true to myself.

Done. Finito!

Photo by Strength ~vs~ Weakness

SubWise #1: Your Personal Submission

Last week I asked you to write in your own blogs and journals about your personal submission. As a reminder, here’s the question:

Define your personal submission. Tell us what submission means to you and how your perfect submissive life would be like if there were no obstacles in the way.

I loved the answers I got. Here’s the list of those who participated. Please go read the answers, make some friends and leave comments!

Random Curiosities

pet’s journey

This girl

This is who I am

Time isn’t up! If you want to leave your own response to this question, please feel free to do so in the comments.

My Submission is Better Than Your Submission

Competition is human nature. From the time we are children we start to see who is ‘better’ and hopefully that is you. It could be as simple as having more ice cream than your sibling thus making you better or getting the best grade on a test, making you better than everyone else in the class. We have all compared ourselves with others; sometimes we ‘win’ sometimes we ‘lose’. It is when we voice these opinions outloud that we might not realize the ramifications.

I’ve read recently on a forum where a submissive is explaining her life and how she struggles with one thing or another. Someone commented that they must not be submissive enough and that opened the gateway for competition. From people saying that they wouldn’t behave that way, or a good submissive would do this or that it’s all saying (even if it might not be true) that I’m better than you are because I know the answer. As if there were just one answer to begin with.

There is no such thing as not submissive enough.

Submissives are as different as snowflakes. Each is unique and beautiful. No one snowflake is the same as another. Telling someone that they aren’t submissive enough is just a means to belittle them and is not appropriate for any submissive to do. What I try to convey on Submissive Guide is that there is an appropriate way to act and behave. That is with common courtesy and manners. How would you feel if you were told that you weren’t skinny enough or sexy enough or feminine/masculine enough?

Unless you are willing to put yourself up on the box to have your submission picked apart, keep it to yourself. It’s not doing anyone any good.

Your relationship isn’t better than theirs, just different.

Those of us lucky enough to live in our submission full time are not better than those who get to do it in bits and pieces. Submissives come from all walks of life and look for relationships to fill certain needs. It could be that they are looking for a full time D/s relationship and it could be that they aren’t. Telling someone that their relationship isn’t D/s enough or judging them based on how frequently they play is just childish and rude. Try not to compare your life with someone elses. In the end, you will fail to see the point of their discussion because you will be too busy finding the flaws in their relationship that don’t make it just like yours. Be thankful you are in a relationship.

When at a play party, don’t try to be super masochist; be yourself.

Play parties aren’t competitions. If you go to one and try to do more, experience more intense play than you have before with the sole purpose of doing it better than masosubbie, you will fail and probably hurt yourself in the process. You need to remember your limits and stay within those. No one is going to think less of you because you can’t handle the lexan cane at maximum strength or a bull whip to your breasts.  What you want to be remembered for is having fun and enjoying yourself. That’s easy to do when you remember what your body can handle.

Your submissive journey is not a race. Learn about yourself and be proud of yourself. There is no reason to compete with anyone else. Do you have any advice for those that want to compete or play the game of one-upmanship?

photo by HikingArtist

Reader’s Response to Addictions

I got quite a few wonderful responses in my email about addictions after I posted about my own vice. Some of you have allowed me to share your thoughts here for everyone to read. Thank you so much for sharing your stories. I know that someone will be touched by them; I know I have.

Anon1:

im a self-injurer.  i told Sir, and that was the hardest thing i ever did.   i didnt know what his reaction would be.  once you tell someone this, you cannot take it back.  but he was wonderful  about it.  of course i am forbidden to self-injure, (i cut myself).  and i must contact him when i am triggered.  at first it was very hard, because it was so easy just to cut when the stress built up and i needed a release.  that is now not an option.  i realize some people dont consider this an addiction perhaps, but to a certain extent i feel it is.  Sir has been so supportive and caring.  He never brow beat me about it.  with Sir, i can accomplish anything, even getting past self-injuring which i never thought wouldve been possible.   thank you so much for being so brave to tell you story and fight with this.  you will win this fight.

Anon2:

I am an alcoholic. Master has made suggestions but has not given me any orders. I tried to hide it at first, but the more I went out the more I sent texts and emails. Then the guilt set in and I came clean. He pulled away and stopped calling me his doll. That hurt the most. When he does not call my name my heart breaks. Doll. BUT I DID NOT STOP. being and addict is an everyday struggle. but it is something he wants me to come to terms with on my own. He cares about me. I am trying to beat this and with his encouraging words I hope I can. I do not want to lose him.

Anon3:

i truly know what you are saying about food addiction. 7 years ago i stopped smoking after 36 years and a two pack addiction to cigarettes. and that was nothing compare to trying to control my food addiction. last year i did loose 46 pounds and i was thinking boy i am on my way. so this year i wanted to loose the last 50 pounds. well i am not sure that well happen. one day i do real good the next i do not do well. i have a Master we have been in our relationship almost a year now. it is not a 24/7 relationship. another word we do not live together and He does give me a lot of freedom due to my family and His. but He knows about me trying to loose this last 50 pounds. the year is more than half over and i have only lost 15 pounds. He always tells me He does not reward bad behavior. and that seems to work in all areas except my eating habit. someday when i get cared away with the eating i just say well i well start again tomorrow. but most time i don’t .i don’t know how to bring it up to my Master and i do not know what kind of help to ask for. i know i just don’t feel right about not letting Master in on how hard this is for me and i need help.
my mother would always say there are two ways to look at food. one is you eat to live. the second is you live to eat. well when your addiction is food you are the second.and that is me.
so as you can see i do not have an answer for you but i can tell you there are a lot of us out here in the same boat. all we want is to be healthy and happy.

i wish you luck on your journey and  anyone else who is on this roll a coaster ride with food addiction.

If you have a story you want to tell, I’m here to listen. I keep all emails private unless permission is given to share them. That is ALWAYS the case.

photo by Capture Queen

The Many Faces of Submission

Types of submissives come in as many varieties as wines; there is one for every palette and preference. When someone tells you that you are submissive and you finally admit to yourself that you are submissive, which can be a journey itself, you can figure out how your submission differs from another by what type of submissive you are.

What I’m about to lay out for you is not the only way these terms can be described but it is a good measure for the novice and open to your interpretation. No one way to serve is better than another in this list. Remember that not matter where we are on the mountainous journey, the goal is the same. Surrender.

The Bottom

The bottom is the person who in the BDSM lifestyle enjoys receiving sensation. They always wish to be on the receiving end of the flogger or other sensation. The bottom may direct the session before or during the session; the bottom maintains the control. The act of bottoming is not always sexual. The bottom does not release real control to the top rather it is more of a mutual partnership. Some good examples of “The Bottom” are those who are in to the spanking sect of the lifestyle. I have met spankers who will tell you they are not submissive and they don’t have a submissive bone in their body. They are in this for the sexual pleasure of the pain. The bottom is more of a role played rather then a state of mind.

The Bedroom Submissive

The best way to portray this type of submissive is in every facet of life s/he may be vanilla or even Dominant but when the bedroom door shuts the roles drop and s/he submits to the Dominant. The bedroom is where the power exchange happens and stays. This is almost always sexual. In the bedroom the act of submission is complete, however when the bedroom door is open the bedroom submissive returns to the vanilla world or role.

The Psychological Submissive

The physchological submissive begins his or her submission in their mind. This submissive is submissive in and out of the bedroom. They generally have a need to submit or surrender to a Dominant. The act of submission is mental. S/he can give as much or as little as they wish ot or need to give. They then become the responsibility of the Dominant  to determine the direction of the relationship. The surrendering is the power exchange. Once the surrender occurs they can become an empty vessel for the Dominant. Love is not required, as this is a mental and psychological submission.

The Slave Heart Submissive

This submissive wishes to surrender everything without becoming a slave. In comparison with the psychological submissive, a slave heart submissive craves the love of the Dominant they submit to.  The act of submission is full of emotion and love. S/he gives all they have for the return of love and trust from the Dominant they serve.

The Slave

Unlike the submissive, a slave must surrender completely and be in complete control of a Master. The slave must feel completely owned. The slave usually feels like nothing until Masters gives them a slave identity. When Masters is happy the slave is happy. Many slaves I have talked to feel this way. They feel most complete when with Masters. The slave beams when s/he brings Master pleasure. The slave must surrender, and the slave is not happy until s/he has surrendered. The slave feels completed when surrendering to a Master.

I found the following analogy to be quite interesting and so I am going to share it here. I find that it works well in describing submission in terms that novices might connect better with. It comes from The Australian BDSM Information Site.

What do you think of this analogy? Are there types of submissives that I missed?

Further Reading

An excellent essay was shared with my on FetLife by MsKestrel. She has written an essay about the paradigm of submission and I wanted to share it with you here. Please feel free to leave comments on her essay.

A Chautauqua: On Submission – State of Surrender

photo by tanitta

Donate Your Old BDSM Books to Submissive Guide

This week’s video post is a plea for your assistance with books for the review section of this site.

I’m working on bringing you more book reviews more often. In order to do this I would love to have some help from all of you. There are different levels of help and please hear me out before you dismiss this as just a ploy to get materials or money from you.

The book reviews on this site benefit novice and experienced submissives alike. I do them because I know that the wide expanse of information available can be scary. Hopefully with my reviews, submissives (and maybe a few Dominants) can find books that will help them on their journey.

I don’t personally have a lot of books to review. I am able to buy maybe one every few months with the income I get from this website so far. So I’m looking to you for help.

1. Go through your BDSM library and pull out any books you don’t want anymore or never got around to reading. I’d love to have them for the Submissive Guide library here to review. Just contact me via subguide@gmail.com and I will get you my mailing address. If you need postage paid, I will do that as well.(paid through PayPal)
2. Go through your BDSM library and pull out any books you wouldn’t mind lending to me. In this case I would push your book to the top of the reading list and once complete I would mail it back to you. You could be Submissive Guide’s personal librarian. If you need postage paid, I will do that also. (paid through PayPal)
3. Go to Amazon.com and view my wishlist. You could buy any of the books there for me to review. All of the ones listed are ones I’d like to have a review on Submissive Guide for. You can help me that way and decide the amount you want to spend.
4. Go to Amazon.com and give me a gift certificate. You can use the same email address: subguide@gmail.com and send it to me. This way you can help me with some funds to buy books for the reviews. Any gift certificates I receive this way would be used for review books only, you have my  promise.
5. If you can’t help any other way, please just let me know what books you’d like to see reviewed here in the future. I will add them to my wishlist and purchase them when I can. Your help is much appreciated.

Thank you!

–luna

What Type of Relationship Are You In [Poll Results]

Last month I had a poll on the right side about the types of relationships you are engaged in. I’m happy to see such a variety of relationship dynamics representative here. I identify as submissive in a D/s relationship, but I’ve had people mistake me as being a slave in a Master/slave relationship. I love that you can connect to what I am writing and am very inspired by the wide range of opinions I’ve gotten so far. Thank you.

Why am I sharing this? Because it shows you that no matter how you identify you have a common purpose; to better yourself. Let me know if there is ever anything I can do to help you on your journey.

Curious to know?  Here are the results:

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Accepting 24/7 D/s as Real

Part of the typical criticism of D/s full-time is that it can’t be real. No one can live 24/7 D/s. I hear it a lot. These people say that life gets in the way and you can’t be Dominant and submissive all the time. The people that say they can’t lead a 24/7 life always throw excuses in the mix that sound something like this:

Kids get sick, job gets busy, your friends ask more of your time. You can’t be D/s during these exchanges, that’s real life, that’s what gets in the way of living the lifestyle 24/7. No one can avoid it and no one can be in the role all the time.

I beg to differ. It’s a matter of setting priorities.

For lifestyle submissives, submission isn’t what they do, it’s who they are. They can’t change that anymore than the color of their eyes or who their family is. It’s a part of them. To tell them that they can’t be who they are all the time is absurd in those situations. We all wear different hats; the parent hat, co-worker hat, concerned friend hat and so forth. These hats dress your core person. A lifestyle submissive isn’t wearing a submissive hat.

This is the sort of person that generally argues against the ‘24/7 is not real’ camp. For them it’s all they know. Their job, their relationships, their family all fall under this 24/7 life. They know how to manage the role in all of the situations that everyday life throws at them because they don’t have to wear the hat. Natural submissives usually have an easier time at this, but I know many submissives that found submission late in life and have made submission who they are.

That isn’t to say there are those who choose to wear a submissive hat. There are plenty of them, and for them it can be true that 24/7 D/s just can’t happen. That’s because submission isn’t in their core person. It’s a hat they wear when they have time, or are in the right moment. They can not have 24/7 D/s.  That doesn’t make them any less of a submissive and I think that’s the main argument between these two camps.

No one wants to feel that they are less than another. Submission is submission, but so many people have a drive to compare themselves; either to be better or to find fault in themselves. Neither of these ideas is healthy.  As I’ve said many times on this blog, your submission is unique and the reason there isn’t a manual is that each path is different. You may pick another journey up the submissive mountain. The goal is the same and when you stand up on the peak, remember that there are so many further down the mountain having a similar struggle as yours.

If you take your lifestyle into 24/7, that is your reality. You focus your life around this and most can find it quite fulfilling to do. Accepting that not everyone can get there is a part of accepting your uniqueness.

Develop your reality to be worthwhile for your relationship and you may find that your side of the mountain is easier to scale and full of rewards.  The only real life is yours.

photo by shattered.art66

Dominance as a Slave Training Tool for Better Submission

When starting out in submission, there are a lot of roads you can choose and so many people direct novices to training and needing to be trained. Most of these novices then seek out a Master or Dominant to train them. This concept that the Dominant can teach the submissive more about surrender is a myth. Dominants only provide submissives with the tools they need to then seek further surrender.

My stand on this a stepping off point from the video post about Slave Training. I said in that post that training was everything that you do for your Dominant when directed to do so in a certain manner. That is partially correct. Yes, in a basic form that is training in a relationship, but it does not work towards a submissive’s ultimate goal of deeper surrender. If you want to deepen your surrender then you need to look inside yourself and learn what it really is to be submissive, find that core of desire within yourself and fan the flames. A Dominant does not know how to do this and can not help you get there. This is your personal journey; the journey inwards.

Think about how many times you’ve thought that your Dominant (or any Dominant) just doesn’t understand where you are coming from, or how hard it is to submit all the time. That’s exactly it. A Dominant can not get in touch with their submissive side, and believe me, everyone has one. If they are in their Dom Hat, tThey can think intellectually about your submission, but they can’t touch on the emotional, passionate side of your submission – the part that drives you to do things with joy and love and fulfillment.

Dominants that may have submitted first in their explorations or switches have a different but similar issue. They may know what it’s like, or what an experience did to them, but they still can’t help you. What they felt or dealt with as far as struggle will be different for them than for you. The advice they may give you is based on how they interacted with the experience. Even if they felt deep in submission during that time, once they put that Dom Hat back on, they can’t get in touch with it. It’s a road block.

What can you do to improve your submission if you can’t be trained in it by your Dominant? Your Dominant is still a valuable tool for slave training and we can use them as a tool for our own development. Take the rules and orders they give us, how do they mold us if we are also seeking a deeper level of submission. Can we make them a learning experience to be able to focus deeper on our own? Most of the time, Dominants allow and encourage submissives to speak to other submissives. There is an intelligent reasoning behind this. You can and do pick up training from other submissives. All the time, I am asked for help and assistance and can only hope that along with the advice they are learning how to figure it out for themselves and internalize it.

You may not actively want a mentor, but each and every submissive you exchange information and knowledge with is mentoring you and you are mentoring them. Even wise and experienced submissives learn from the younger. How do you see your conversations with submissives improving your own submission? If you can’t see it, look harder. And if that doesn’t help you, use this site as an example. You are reading this post, picking up information and many of you will take something away from it and learn. Others will find another article to do the same thing.

I’m just a submissive with an ability to express myself and a desire to help other submissives. I am a tool that a Dominant will want you to come seek out when you need to understand your submission and improve it. So the next time that you hear Slave Training and a Master that says they can train you, I’d ask direct questions as to how they can show you about surrender when they do not submit. It’s not a challenge to Dominance at all for they can train you – just not in your own submission. You have to seek that out; whether within you or from senior submissives.

Can I Be Abused in a BDSM Relationship?

This week’s video post is about BDSM vs. Abuse.

A BDSM relationship, especially one with sadomasochistic moments, is subject to questions all the time about it’s proximity to abuse. It is not uncommon to have people unfamiliar with BDSM to say that what we do is abuse and violence; we see it all the time portrayed incorrectly in the media. Others associate criminal sadists with the BDSM scene, again something we have to struggle against.

A healthy BDSM relationship is one where people exchange power, sensations or experiences in a consensual, mutually fullfilling way. These exchanges increase self-esteem and all parties are are actively invested in the well-being of their partners and themselves.

The core of BDSM is consent. No one will disagree with this. We are all aware, hopefully, that abuse is not consensual. If you feel that what is going on is ‘not right’ then you certainly should investigate if it is abuse or not. Some of what you may feel could not be abuse at all, but it’s good to know for sure. The harm associated with abuse can be physical, emotional, mental, sexual, social or economic.  Here are some thoughts on whether the BDSM relationship you are in might be abusive from The National Leather Association-International Domestic Violence Project.

• Abuser may coerce or force a victim into agreements without their full informed consent, especially long-term contracts with newcomers.
• Abuser may manipulate a victim into financial or emotional dependence without taking precautions should conflict occur or the need to leave arise.
• Abuser may exert non-consensual control, dominance or abuse of a partners children or make demands that go against maternal or paternal responsibilities. (I.E. Restricting access to children as punishment.)
• Abuser may use threats of abandonment or loss of current5 contract if new demands are not met.
• Abuser may force victim to do things alone, together or with others in ways that violate or compromise previous negotiations.
• Abuser may use name calling, mind games, denial of human necessities like food, water, shelter as needed, health care and so forth, especially in ways that reduce a victim’s self-esteem.
• Abuser may threaten to expose victim or your lifestyle to ‘vanilla’ co-workers, family members, or children.
• Abuser may initiate inappropriate or harmful punishments or withhold appreciation or affection as punishment.
• Abuser may deny a behavior is abusive and/or may minimize abuse. The abuser may also accuse you of making abuse up, not being submissive/Dominant enough, and so forth.

Trust your instincts. If you feel in danger, make a plan to get out.

You might also be interested in

Simply Service Newsletter from November 2005

Included in this edition:

• My Journey by slavedebbie
• Community Unity by Master Kalan
• Declutter 101 by Tante Jen
• Metamorphosis by slave a
• Naturally Polyamourous by Mistress Pamela
• Essay by E Missy Hall
• Intimate Partner Abuse in the BDSM Lifestyle by sequi

Carte Blanche – Repeating Misbehavior Patterns

Getting in trouble. We’ve all been there a time or two. It comes with learning and training new things as well as changing behaviors. Our Dominants generally don’t derive any pleasure out of punishing us and the guilt we put on ourselves can be more damaging than the misdeed in the first place. Allowing that the punishment has been handed out and the misdeed forgiven, why do we sometimes continue to fail with the same behavior and wind up right back in the hot seat? I’m going to talk about a submissive’s mindset when it comes to repeat patterns in behavior and why we just can’t keep our feet on the straight and narrow.

When I first starting learning what it was like to be my Master’s submissive, I found that there was a lot to know and that assuming one thing over knowing another generally got me in trouble a lot. I bucked against old habits and experience from past relationships. All of these things weren’t going to make my new life any easier. I kept getting in trouble for the same things over and over again. No matter how hard I worked to be good, and trust me I worked at it. The time between punishments did lengthen, but only slightly.

I was in the mindset of the carte blanche. In plain English, that’s the clean slate syndrome. After punishment, did I really learn my lesson? Probably not. I listened to the lecture, I felt the pain of the lash and then I was off to do whatever I was supposed to with a clean slate. Until the next time.

Learn From Your Mistakes

Learning from your mistakes is the first and most important task of a submissive when it comes to changing behavior patterns that are not welcome to your Dominant. For many submissives, this comes very easily. This is not the group of submissives this post is focused on. Those of us who require a lot of mental and/or physcial focus to change our behaviors will understand that falling back into our old ways is easy, no matter how badly we would want to be good and learn the new behavior.

Try to keep your new behaviors obvious to you. You may need to place note cards throughout your house, wear a reminder bracelet or have an audio reminder to help you change your behavior. Get support and advice from senior submissives to help you learn how to change your behavior.

Have Patience

You will not learn new behaviors overnight. To learn a new behavior you need to do it consistently for 3 weeks; but this, in its self, is not an easy task. We make it easier by practicing first. We need to do two things here. Firstly, we need to be able to easily perform the require actions. Secondly, we need to link that action to a cue. A cue can be anything from a command or a visual indication.

For example, imagine that you have a new behavior that you must kneel before getting into your Dominant’s bed at night. At first you will probably forget this habit and need to be reminded by your Dominant. It’s a normal part of learning. Then after a bit you may remember most of the time, but still have moments where you are startled back onto the floor because you suddenly remembered you didn’t kneel. Finally, you have established your new behavior and correction is no longer needed.

Punishment For Attention

Many novice submissives haven’t learned how to communicate their needs or wants completely yet, and find themselves breaking rules and getting into ’small trouble’ just to get attention they need or want. They can consider punishment just as a part of their relationship and not realize the importance of learning that the misbehavior is not welcome and punishment is not pleasurable.

Others will try to get punished by being unusually bratty when they really just want to play. It unfortunately shows a lack of self-control and submissive weakness. Normal bratty behavior can be cute and endearing if the Dominant likes that attitude. Being aggressively so is what I’m referring to here.

Punishment is not  goal, it is something to be avoided. Your bad behavior reflects poorly on yourself and your Dominant. It can undermind the progress you have made in your submission and can end your relationship. Living in carte blanche syndrome is like not taking enough serious work into becoming the best submissive you can be for your Dominant. It’s time to change your thinking.

Focus on the Positive

Submission is a journey that never ends. If you try to change, you can change. Through open communication and focused energy you can be the shining light in your Dominant’s eyes. Live for the praise and positive reinforcement. You’ve earned it.

Best Submissive Blogslist

There are thousands of blogs on the internet by submissives. Some of them are decently written and by all means, worth following. This is not that list. This list is about the best submissive blogs out there; the ones that drive you to want to participate, feel their journey and be a part of their lives.

I’d love you to go to each of these websites, leave a comment and tell them Submissive Guide sent you.

• A subtle slavegirl
• A Submissive’s musings
• Behind the Collar
• Craving His Touch
• danae whispering
• Journey Into Submission
• Kitten’s Pawprints
• MD’s precious treasure
• persephone in love
• Ramblings of a kajira
• slave journal of the kiva
• The Femme Fagette
• The Journey
• This girl’s weblog
• Under His Hand
• View From the Floor

Think you should be on the list? Let me know!

Finding Your Spirituality In Service

A recent journal prompt I came across really inspired me to write about it.  It is spirituality. A lot of what I hear about spirituality is related to religion, but BDSM can be spiritual too and I’d like to explore that with you.

What is the relationship between spirituality and religion? Is BDSM spiritual? –Submissive Journal Prompts

Religion and spirituality have a connection but they don’t have to be connected. When you believe in a structured religion it generally means you have a spirituality about it. But when you are spiritual, that doesn’t mean you are connected to religion. Does that make sense?

BDSM can be spiritual if you feel connected to it in a similar way as you would religion. The whole idea of BDSM is an overpowering idea of all things sexual, sensual and relationship related that involve our entire being, life and identity. This isn’t about being kinky in the bedroom; anyone can do that. This is about living and breathing an alternative lifestyle that embraces BDSM in its core.

When you are serving, do you feel focused on the service and the power that you receive from your partner? Does it give you a floaty feeling or a sense of being that reminds you of inner peace and acceptance of your life? You could be experiencing service as spiritual.

My experiences with spiritual BDSM are limited, but the moments I felt at complete peace with myself I felt transcended into happiness and wholeness that I’ve never experienced any other way than when I was praying as a teen, looking for divine intervention in my sad life. The feeling that what I was doing at the time was just right, almost perfect and exactly what I should be doing gave me a strong sense of my spiritual self.

How To Connect

If you wish to grow closer to your submission and bring a spirituality in your service, you can look no further than your own religious exposure, whether you own or someone’s stories.

• Find a quote, mantra or mediation that means a lot to you and your service. Memorize it and say it often.
• Practice mediation techniques so that you can find your inner peace easier.
• Find a way to worship your owner. This can be by ritual bathing, foot worship, or other body part service. It can also be learning new skills to enhance your service with your owner in mind. Massage is one that I think of.
• Perform your service with focused slow steps. Develop your grace. Do every step with purpose and meaning.

Each of these ideas can help you connect with the spirituality of your service and will provide you with a new way to be intimate with your Dominant.

Spirituality is not required as a part of your service. It is just a way to enhance what you already do. If you are a bedroom submissive, these ideas can be applied to sexual service as well. Imagine a spiritual blow job or a ritual massage as a part of foreplay. Spirituality can be a part of anything you do.

Don’t let the idea of spirituality or religion overwhelm you. Make your part in BDSM whatever you want to make it. If spirituality is what you’d like to try, please embrace some of the ideas here, or share some in the comments. What ideas do you have for bringing out your spirituality in service?

Your Thoughts

darkpaladin on twitter gave me his thoughts on spirituality. Here’s what he had to say.

BDSM is very close to a religion for me – to me it is about lifting people up and showing them their internal energy and power. A dom acts a guide and submissive acts as the vessel of energy. The sacraments are time, trust and orgasms when a sub gives certain power away they awaken to their own inner strength and deification. We are all deities. The dom leads on the sub’s journey and the sub shows the dom in similar ways.

Do you have any thoughts to share?

photo by tapperboy

Real Life vs. Online, the Battle for Understanding

“What one has not experienced, one will never understand in print.” -Isadora Duncan

I began my journey into D/s and BDSM in online chat rooms; namely those on IRC (BDSM-Net and Bondage.com). I knew nothing of what the lifestyle would be for me, only the fantasy that I lived when I got home from class or work; it was a retreat from the everyday hardship that I was living with. I felt the control release and the pleasure of making someone else happy. I loved the creative talent it afforded me in my poetry and writing, the scenes I participated in. It became an art. I fell in love with the fantasy of it. Even when I accepted an online collar I thought that there was no way I could really love this in real. The activities I participated in, the rules I followed, the tasks assigned to me all seemed a part of the fantasy.

I didn’t understand why those that were ‘real’ shunned the way I behaved and looked down on my personae as one that would be trapped in online play for all my life. I didn’t understand what they were talking about when they talked about service and hardship in surrender, about the pleasure of being there for their owner, about serving and the pride in the words, “good girl”. I never understood the reality of what I was playing in.

Until one day I started asking a lot of important questions of myself. I wanted to experience the SM for real. I wanted to be tied up and see what the draw to my pleasure senses was. I wanted to know what it was like to kneel and serve someone. I wanted to hear “good girl” for something I had done. Was it going to remain fantasy? I seriously didn’t know. I thought that maybe it would just lead to kinky sex and I was okay with that also. I really didn’t know what I wanted nor could I have imagined that my life would be as it is now or where it will be in years to come. My surrender was not easy and there are parts of it that I still cling to; a part of my independence that Master is allowing me to hang on to.

I’ve known submissives that can only experience online or long-distance relationships(LDR). I do not shun them as I was shunned. I know the desire and the pull to live it in any form you can. I was lucky, I guess, and left my husband to explore the part of me drawn to BDSM, the service and surrender specifically.  I’ve been able to embrace the relationship I am in and am so very thankful for the role I played online to test the waters.

Online is no substitute and you can’t learn all that there is to know about living this life from essays and forums. You have to experience it to truly know. Every journey is different but I am grateful for my online VT beginnings. Without them I would not have met my Master. Now we live happily together.

But even now I can’t see how to explain how my life is to someone online. I don’t know how to put my service to him in words that someone with no experience or ability to experience would understand. I don’t think words like that really exist.

What do you think? Can you express what it is you do for service to someone who only knows online D/s and have them really understand?