5 Ways to Express Your Gratitude to Your Dominant

With Thanksgiving (USA) just around the corner I thought it would be fitting to write about gratitude, and how to express your gratitude to the one you serve. Sure you can say thank you. That’s standard. I really hope you take every opportunity to say thank  you, but what if you want a few more creative ways to show how appreciative you are to your Dominant?

Being thankful can take on many forms, and each time we feel that sensation of gratitude well up we can use a different display of appreciation. For example, thanking your Dominant for giving you an orgasm will be treated differently than if you are grateful that hold the power in your life. Orgasm gratitude is usually expressed immediately after while you may take awhile to express your feelings for the later.

Take a moment and come up with some things you are grateful in your life that you may not have had before you were in a relationship with your Dominant. How important are they to your development and your overall happiness? When was the last time you showed your appreciation for these things? Is it about time you did?

So, what ideas do you have for expressing yourself? They can be simple or elaborate, as long as they are your own. Make it honest and full of your service.

Offer

The first idea is to offer a service that you don’t normally do. It can be anything. Give a massage, bathe their feet, sexual service that you don’t pine after (for me that’s analingus). Be a foot stool, be their tax preparer. Anything that would just make their day and surprises them would fit the bill. Just remember to make it a part of yourself. Offering to pay for them to attend a salon is not the same thing, as offering yourself for a day of pampering.

Create

This idea isn’t about making something, but setting a mood. If you know your Dominant is going to coming home from a stressful day, it would be as simple as soft lights and maybe candles to help them relax and shed the outside world. Making sure the home is picked up and inviting can bring a lot of emotion attached to it. It not only shows that you care for the household possessions, but also how it makes people feel when they enter.

You can also create an atmosphere appropriate for whatever may be planned. If play is on the menu, then neatly prepare your play space. If dinner is the order of the day, setting the table as if you are in a fine restaurant can show your appreciation for a number of things.

Do

Take an idea from online for a ritual that you don’t do. Perhaps it can be kneeling and then lowering your face cheek to cheek to the floor in submission or kneeling when you bring their drink. Adding that bit of focused attention is a pleasant surprise to a Dominant and shows them that you care for how you present your submission. There is any number of things you can do in this vein. From a specific way you adopt to disrobe, to how you reply to requests in a set format. It’s not just up to the Dominant to add ritual and intensity to the relationship. Volunteering these simple steps will tell them that you thank them for the opportunity to serve them.

Make

Sure it’s quite easy to go to the store and purchase something for them, but when was the last time you made something for them? You don’t have to learn anything or have specific skills. Make a special dinner or dessert, write a card or poem, put together a photo album or mosaic. Something homemade has more meaning than a purchased item.

Coming up next week I’ll share ideas of what to give a Dominant, until then use your imagination!

Rededicate

Ultimately, this should only be done if you are really ready to deepen your relationship or there has been a lapse in the dynamic that you wish to try to repair. Again, the ritual that this involves can be simple to elaborate so let your mind develop what would work for you. Even just setting aside time to talk about how you wish to submit and offering that over voluntarily expresses how you love the relationship and what they do for you. Again, you don’t have to wait for the Dominant to tell you to create a ritual or process for doing something. I’ve gained so many rituals just by starting it and having him say he really likes it.

If you have gotten lazy in your rules, start really digging in and doing them before you get in trouble. Don’t let their distraction sway you. You want to serve, that’s why you are in this relationship so serve. Your submission just might deepen their Dominance and the rededication can you an exchange, just as it should be.

Lastly, remember to say thank you when you do these things. Make it about them. We take too much for granted anymore. Don’t let your relationship become one of those things. Relationships build because we work at them, show how much you appreciate everything they do and you will also reap the rewards.

How do you show your gratitude to your Dominant?

photo by FernR

Am I Submissive?

So, you want me to tell you how you can tell if you are submissive or not? Asking someone else if you are submissive is like asking a blind man what color your dress is. Is there some magical online quiz that can say whether you are submissive or slave? Unfortunately no and I don’t think I’d listen to the results of one if it existed either. Submission isn’t something you can find in a self-help book or a therapist. Submission is a calling.

No, not the same kind of calling that religion speaks about; but similar. Some people find submission to be a natural way to live; something that comes to them easily and simply. To be a natural submissive means you have something innate and inherent in them that disposes them to submission.  Others have to learn about submission step by step. I’ve written about my own experiences with learning submission in the post Submission by Choice. When you feel inside that you are happiest when submitting, that’s when you know you’re submissive. There is no secret to it.

Hearing your inner voice tends to be the hardest thing. You’ve probably come to this post because either someone said you are submissive and you want to know more or you’ve heard that inner voice and you are curious about what it means. Hopefully you will leave here with some understanding of submission and how you know if you are submissive or not.

It will take soul searching, no doubt about that. Trust me when I say that you can not become submissive if you do not have the basic inclination to serve and the emotional pleasure of being available to serve. Once you have that, you are well on your way to knowing you are submissive.

Let’s take a look at the following four spaces to help you figure out if you are submissive. Apply them however they will work for your own personal situation.

Knowing you are submissive will have a mental aspect to it. When you think of serving others does it put you in a peaceful position? If it feels like the logical thing to do then it probably is. When I found that I was happy being submissive I stopped fighting myself and accepted being happy.

You may also have a spiritual connection to submission. I’ve often described my connectedness to my Dominant as being in prayer. I feel a higher power sort of connection when I please him. You may have an overall sense of bliss or complete happiness thinking about or participating in service.

Connecting to submissive can have an emotional response as well. You may cry uncontrollably, or smile so hard and so often that your cheeks hurt. There is a clear sign that you are submissive when you can look upon being of service to someone else and your heart aches with need. Your emotional response is usually the strongest response to submissive stimulus that you will be able to experience.

Lastly when you are submissive you will develop a physical response to Dominance exerted at or near you. For many this is sexual excitement but it could also be a need to physically get up and do something to bring your closer to that Dominance. I’ve had moments that only felt perfect when I listened to the primal urge to kneel or kiss his hand or do something to serve him.

Feeling all of these things at one time or another usually means you have a submissive mindset. It may not happen all the time, but the moments that do you should try to feed it. Develop a service you can provide someone else, volunteer in your community and certainly, if you can explore a relationship with Dominance and submission at its core. You may find the calling you were hearing was one thing or another… or all of the above. Only you can know if submission is the right direction for you.

photo by doug88888

The Disposable Relationship Mentality

I’ve been witness to a shocking new trend in relationships lately. Perhaps I’m old school or old fashioned but what I’m seeing in today’s society, and not just the BDSM culture, is the lack of effort in relationships.

As I was raised I was taught that something worthwhile wasn’t always easy to achieve and you may have to work hard to get it. I applied this to everything in my life; including the relationships I developed. My marriage may have failed, but I didn’t give up and worked very hard to make it work before admitting defeat. The same goes for my current relationship. It takes work.

Now I’m not saying that you should give every relationship a fighting chance because I know some relationships are rushed into, lacking desire, destructive or overall bad for you. These are not what I mean by disposable relationships. These are relationships that everyone has to experience to know what a good relationship looks like.

An Example of What I’m Talking About

Recently Master and I were going through a rough patch. Things have since cleared up so there’s no need to worry, I know I didn’t. Recommendations from people that barely know us were along the lines of the disposable relationship mentality.

“Oh well you’ve been together for so long, maybe you aren’t compatible anymore and should consider moving on.”

“If you are having problems then perhaps he isn’t the right guy for you, get out while you are still young.”

“I’d toss him on the curb and find a real man!”

All of these really had me shocked. It’s not like I was begging for happiness in our relationship, I was just voicing my frustrations with the current dilemma. Master and I work hard at our relationship. We have a very open communication channel and use it regularly to talk about everything. We are the most openly communicative relationship I have seen.  We don’t give up because deep inside the love for each other is worth keeping. If your are spiritually happy in your relationship you’ll understand on what level Master and I are.

The Disposable Relationship Mentality

I see the advice we tend to give people online that we barely know. We jump to the conclusion that their relationship is doomed and tell them 9 times out of 10 that the man or woman just isn’t worth it and they need to let them go and move on. We do this without hearing the other side, asking more questions or even understanding where this issue came from that they are asking advice on. Why do we do this?

The disposable relationship mentality is a lot like our disposable nature with everything else. We throw everything away. Quality has taken a back seat to convenience and cost. We dismiss issues with a relationship as broken goods and we just let them loose to try and find someone else that won’t break. Of course when that one does as well we start hating relationships altogether. There’s no effort anymore.

Do you think a relationship will blossom if the two or more people involved don’t work at it? Of course not. How hard are you working in your relationship to make it work to your satisfaction?

How about your current relationship? Is it like that toaster you have to keep replacing every few years because it stops toasting correctly or is it that cherished family heirloom that you take great care in keeping beautiful and shining for all to see?

When Protocol Becomes Boring

Protocol. It can be a scary word if you are new to submission. In a relationship, it is likely that you will have some protocol established to control your behavior. So, what is protocol? Simply defined, protocol is the set of special rules that you follow for defined situations that remind you of your place in the relationship. Every relationship is different and will have a different level of protocol. One of my first protocol rules was to call my Dominant ‘Master’ when in private and lifestyle event situations. It was a simple change in my normal behavior and a reminder of my place in the relationship.

As the protocols developed I was so excited to finally be doing what I had dreamed about and read in so many BDSM fiction books. I was living with rules and protocol and my mindset thrived. I felt so good about my place in the relationship and the happiness that Master displayed at my success. The pleasure I felt wasn’t just sexual it was like a part of my soul was finally being satisfied.

It didn’t last. After a few months I started to feel less happy about my protocol. It felt less like bliss and more like a chore. I had lost the attachment to WHY the protocol was in place to begin with; the reminder of my place in the relationship. The honeymoon period was over. Things got really rocky in our relationship because the effort involved in doing the protocol got more and more difficult for me, and the stress he experienced was just as bad.

What happened?

I lost focus for why the rules and protocols existed in the first place. I stopped feeling my submission when I obeyed and began rebelling with what I had gotten so used to doing for joy. I started looking to those fiction stories I’ve read for some sort of answer to my loss in vision. Why couldn’t I make the fantasy my reality? I was very stuck with that thought.

So what did I do?

Talk about it: I first approached my Dominant and explained to him how I was feeling and expressed that I didn’t like what had happened to me and us. We have a very open communication stream and it didn’t come as a surprise to him that this conversation was occurring. We talked about how long I had been feeling off task and also some ideas of what I could do to get back on track. It wasn’t an easy conversation as the fault, which is hard for me to take, was all mine.

The fantasy was just that; fantasy. I had to find my own reality in the protocols. I had to seek the happiness I once had and hang on to it. I started reviewing my rules on a daily basis. I developed a meditation routine to do to keep my submission blossoming. I learned how to self-correct my behavior before it became noticeable.

Most importantly, I made it a priority to create my own reality; one that would work better than trying to live a fantasy. It’s a constant work in progress and I still have my bad and good days. I know it will get better. One day I will be living as I’ve dreamed and the peace that I strive for everyday will find me.

photo by lepiaf.geo

The Many Layers of Sub Space

This week’s video post is about sub space.

When you first heard about sub space it was probably something that you either thought you’d never experience or something that seemed so strange and foreign that you believed it to be a myth. Then you heard the stories and could swear that people were on drugs or something. I’ve even heard it referred to as impossible to attain unless you play really hard.

Whatever  information you encounter there is only one truth. You can reach sub space and if you have any experience at all, then you probably have and just don’t know what it was called. So let’s start small.

Have you ever felt a light-headed, almost floaty feeling in the presence of your Dominant? During play have you ever reached a place that feels like pure happiness and submission, where you know you’d do anything? This is likely subspace.

Now I can’t say for sure that it was or is, because I’m not an expert in seeing euphoria in other people, but trust me. You can reach the elusive sub space. Everyone has their own definition of what subspace is, and how to get there. Since there is such a huge variety of what it is and ways to get there, you can be sure that you can find your way.

During Play

Relax into the sensations. Allow your body to receive the pain or pleasure without any additional response or thoughts on it. Calm your mind. It has been understood that to feel the endorphins take hold you have to open yourself up to them. Let the pain wash over you, or the pleasure fill you overflowing.

Masochists tend to reach sub space a bit easier because they are already intense sensation junkies (you know who you are). Don’t think that you have to be a masochist at all to reach sub space! The sense of euphoria can happen at any time.

Outside of Play

You can also experience sub space outside of play. It’s commonly  felt like a sense of complete devotion and service, or slave happiness. When you focus on service and your submission you can reach a sense of pure and primal connection to your Dominant. This connection, this intense focus is sub space. You may appear to have tunnel vision; your Dominant is the only think you are centering your attention on and time seems to fade away. I’ve lost many hours this way. In complete service bliss.

My own experience with something as a teenager comes to mind. I was raised Pentecostal. Part of that is going to revivals, stirring up the emotions in hope that the holy spirit would bless you with ‘tongues’ or other holy fire. During my teen years I went to many revivals. At several of these I felt called to the front for prayer and rejoicing. The whole atmosphere is set up to make you feel like something special is going to happen. That happy sense of intimate connection with God and prayer is quite similar to the way I feel during sub space outside of play. My Master is my higher power and his love and devotion often brings me to tears and all choked up in my submission. It’s like that tremendous feeling at the revivals. I feel completely connected to him in a powerful way.

How you experience sub space is completely individual. Just like all of the descriptions you’ve heard you can add yours to the mix. It is a personal connection to your Dominant. It can be very intense or it can leave you feeling like you are glowing with happiness. In any way that you experience it, revel in it.

Living as an Emotionally Healthy Submissive

Being an emotionally healthy person is a goal that all of us have but a smaller margin actually accomplish. With the constant stress of commitments and modern day obligations our emotions face the brunt of it. The goal of a submissive is to seek that balance in emotional states so that our service appears stress-free and sincere; even if we have a lot going on in the background. Living as an emotionally healthy submissive takes knowing what is considered healthy to begin with. Applying the following concepts to your own life can help you bring balance to your mental state.

• A healthy submissive nurtures, maintains and develops life-affirming relationships. Rarely are self-destructive relationships sought or sustained. This also includes the the open friendships the submissive has.
• A healthy submissive is capable of intense joy and happiness in a sustained relationship. The feelings expressed by a submissive with a balanced emotional state are full and impressive.
• A healthy submissive is a giver. Even if it means offering their last bit of change, a submissive is willing to sacrifice to bring comfort and happiness to others. Often a submissive needs to learn self-control as to not give over more than they are capable of.
• A healthy submissive is sensitive to the emotional needs of others. Compassion and sympathy are honest emotions that a submissive can get in touch with really easily to comfort others.
• A healthy submissive is accepting of herself and does not have cultural hang ups over her body or appearance. She is comfortable in her skin and is not easily impacted by social media suggestions.

This is just a beginning for what concepts can guide your life in an emotionally healthy way. Seeking balance is what everyone desires. How many times have you heard or said that everything seems out of balance? Bringing peace to your emotional well being is important to living as a happy and healthy submissive.

It’s not as easy as it sounds. I know, I’ve tried. I’m constantly trying to bring peace to myself. “Serenity Now!” The drama of being online a lot, the turmoil of a one income household, loving your best friend forever and knowing that he’s going to beat you tonight because it’s fun. Friendships come and go like the seasons in the garden of life and while you may miss the more vibrant ones, each has touched you in some profound way. Welcoming the joy of past memories into your thoughts can help bring peace.

Interacting with others is also every healthy for the submissive soul. It could be volunteering at an assisted living facility or watching the neighbor’s kids while they go out for a movie. Being there for people replenishes the submissive soul. I’ve even found it welcoming to people watch at the mall. Seeing other people struggle with life can put yours into perspective.

I’ve always envisioned my ideal life as being the peace bringer to my relationship. Someone that can see the stress and dissipate it effortlessly. Trying to achieve that goal helps me lead an emotionally healthier life.

What do you do that keeps you healthy?

Photo by Untitled blue

Chat Night Transcript From Sub Space and Sub Drop Talk

<~luna[KM]> Now I’d like to hear from everyone… have you experienced subspace? If you don’t know if you have, it’s okay.
<selene1123> i’m pretty new…so i think i have but am not sure
<slavelauren> i have
<radiogirl> I most definitely have
<pet_rain> i’m not sure  i think i would like a clear definition i’v heard different people desribe it differently
<selene1123> thank you pet_rain!  i am confused about some of the contradicting definitions
* ~luna[KM] smiles
<radiogirl> I think subspace would happen differently for each individual
<~luna[KM]> we will definitely be covering that
<slavelauren> i agree with that radiogirl
<~luna[KM]> I have experienced subspace as well, just so you all know where I’m coming from.
<pet_rain> yes everyone experiences everything differently
<~luna[KM]> welcome littlemiss96
<pet_rain> hi
<selene1123> hello
<slavelauren> hi littlemiss96
<littlemiss96> thanks…hi all
<~luna[KM]> we’ve just started talking about subspace and subdrop so jump right in when you feel comfortable.
<radiogirl> For me, subspace is also what I call my “happy place”
<~luna[KM]> are there other words for it?
<slavelauren> same for me
<~luna[KM]> euphoria?
<selene1123> i think that’s a good word for it
<radiogirl> yes, it is a euphoric place
<littlemiss96> i’m still really new to all this, but I think I got there last week…euphoria
<selene1123> like feeling the need to purr, lol
<~luna[KM]> it can also be a primal place
<radiogirl> but its where I am comfortable, secure in myself and my Master’s love
<~luna[KM]> one where you retreat to animal instincts
<radiogirl> yes
<radiogirl> that too
<radiogirl> :)
<slavelauren> so true
<~luna[KM]> So, as you can see sub space is a number of different things, but we can agree that it’s a happy euphoric sensation or ‘place’
<pet_rain> right like youve been redused down to your core and where you feel most content like there is nothing wrong in the world
<slavelauren> yes
<radiogirl> exactly
<selene1123> that perfect feeling
<slavelauren> oh yeah i like that
<pet_rain> okay then i’v experianced that i’v heard it defined very differently though
<radiogirl> so I have a question for you guys
<radiogirl> How do YOU get there?
<~luna[KM]> It’s different each and every time we play
<~luna[KM]> and I don’t get there everytime
<littlemiss96> sometimes its deeper than others
<selene1123> for me, it is through serving Master….even something as simple as dinner or desert
<radiogirl> yes of course littlemiss
<slavelauren> for me its the sound of Masters voice it doesnt matter if we are “playing” or not
<~luna[KM]> exactly, these are called triggers
<selene1123> i agree with you slavelauren
<selene1123> it is in or out of a schece
<slavelauren> we could be driving in His car
<selene1123> *scene
<radiogirl> it can be either for some people
<radiogirl> doesnt take a scene to put me in subspace
<pet_rain> when i’m laying in His lap or at his feet infrount of the couch or its after Hes played with me or used me, sometimes its after i’m punished sometimes just the looks He gives me
<slavelauren> We have a kinda trigger phase that puts me right under
<slavelauren> phrase sorry
<pet_rain> whats that?
<~luna[KM]> slavelauren, is the phrase something you can share with us?
<slavelauren> the simple words of To Serve Him is the greatest gift in Life
<slavelauren> sorry i had to ask
<pet_rain> dont be sorry
* ~luna[KM] smiles, that’s okay and I assumed so
<selene1123> understood
<slavelauren> thanks
<radiogirl> thank you slavelauren
<slavelauren> your welcome
<slavelauren> He says that and im under fast
<~luna[KM]> alright, so how would you describe YOUR subspace to someone who has never experienced it?
<selene1123> my subspace is a state of perfect harmony between Master and i
<slavelauren> wow thats hard, for me its like im there but not there.kinda outside looking in
<slavelauren> not feeling except ectasy
<~luna[KM]> For me, it is a sense of complete peace and happiness, but also a separation from my physical body (the pain if if it play) and a sort of spiritual connection to my Master.
<littlemiss96> the place where nothing else matters but my Master and me
<radiogirl> for me, its when I open myself totally to my Master
<selene1123> i have never felt a physical separation
<radiogirl> communion of souls
<selene1123> the opposite actually – i become very aware of my body and the sensations i feel
<radiogirl> some call the physical separation “flying”
<~luna[KM]> oh I have felt that way as well selene1123
<pet_rain> the only thing thats real is Him, His dominance is a weight i can really FEEL on me it engulfs me surrounds me consumes me and W/we are perfect there is no higher happieness there is nothing else that is real
<~luna[KM]> very beautiful pet_rain, lovely description
<slavelauren> im aware of the sensations but if it is pain or anything negative it does not hurt
<radiogirl> very nicely put pet
<slavelauren> wow pet thats awesome
<selene1123> i love the way you put that pet
<pet_rain> RIGHT i cant feel pain
<pet_rain> thanks
<littlemiss96>are all of you in 24/7 relationships?
<slavelauren> sometimes it gets me through some serious “play” Master is a bit heavy handed lol
<~luna[KM]> I generally can feel the pain, but it’s not painful.
<slavelauren> i am
<selene1123> yes littlemiss
<radiogirl> I am not
<littlemiss96> ok, thanks. i am not either
<~luna[KM]> You are LDR aren’t you radiogirl?
<pet_rain> i think the reason i can’t feel pain is because its negitive and to feel anything negitive would be selfish and i am incapable of being selfish there is only His pleasure
<radiogirl> for me its like…… I am so immersed in the pain that it ceases to exist…
* ~luna[KM] thinks pet_rain is a poet :)
<slavelauren> yes she is
<pet_rain> no i’m not
<pet_rain> (blushes)
<radiogirl> and I know that He immerses himself in it to
<slavelauren> well you are excellent with your words
<pet_rain> thank you
<selene1123> you have a gift for putting feelings into the perfect words
<radiogirl> yes I am in  a LDR, Luna
<slavelauren> radiogirl that is exactly the way Master describes His feelings when we talk about how He feels
<~luna[KM]> Did anyone read the optional pre-reading for tonight?
<radiogirl> yes
<slavelauren> i am sorry i did not
<pet_rain> i read some of it but most of it woulnd’t come up
<littlemiss96> i did
<radiogirl> i always do my homework Luna
<radiogirl> LOL
* ~luna[KM] winks… that’s why it is optional
<selene1123> i skimmed through it during work
<pet_rain> i only got to read about sub drop
<~luna[KM]> In the Mistress Steel essay, she talks about different levels of subspace
<~luna[KM]> and that you can move through the levels smoothly, like climbing a ladder
<pet_rain> yeah i would like to read that
<slavelauren> i have read it before and i its very well put for me
<~luna[KM]> well I can send you a copy pet_rain to your email if it won’t open. Just shoot me a message via the contact page when we are done here to remind me and give me your email.
<~luna[KM]> So, how important is sub space for you?
<selene1123> it is essential for me
<slavelauren> same for me
<radiogirl> same here
<selene1123> if i do not feel that space then i feel like i am not in harmony with Master
<~luna[KM]> I could actually take it or leave it. I love it when I experience it, don’t get me wrong, but it’s not important to my relationship or connection with Master.
<selene1123> and that is simply not an option for me
<slavelauren> very true
<littlemiss96> after hearing from all of you, i think my definition may have been too narrow
<slavelauren> what do you mean littlemiss96
<littlemiss96> well, i think i was thinking that subspace was only that detached euphoria, but listening to you guys, I am realizing that i go there whenever i talk to Master, whether in person, phone, or even text
<selene1123> that’s how i feel
<slavelauren> i can acheive it any time anywhere no matter what the form of communication is
<selene1123> or even when i am not with Master but doing something i know will please him in the future
<~luna[KM]> Not everyone you meet will agree with the definition that it’s a broader definition.
<slavelauren> very true luna
<~luna[KM]> Some will say that the non-play sub space isn’t sub space
<~luna[KM]> It’s more a slave space that is a focus for some relationships
<selene1123> that’s one of the reasons i was confused
<littlemiss96> ehhh..to each his/her own, i think
<slavelauren> for me it is slave space always
<~luna[KM]> Sure, the hope is that you will be able to develop your own definition.
<~luna[KM]> wb pet_rain
<pet_rain> oh i’m sorry it kicked me off
<pet_rain> my Master’s here now
<~luna[KM]> welcome pet_rain’s Master
<slavelauren> welcome Sir
<pet_rain> He’s reading along
<pet_rain> He said thanks
<radiogirl> Welcome Sir
<radiogirl> nice to have you with us
<selene1123> good evening
<~luna[KM]> Let’s focus now on play time
<~luna[KM]> how important is sub space to play time?
<slavelauren> pretty important for me
<selene1123> it depends on what kind of play for me
<selene1123> if it is physical/involves pain, very important
<slavelauren> very true
<littlemiss96> i dont think its possible for me to separate
<pet_rain> i think its very importain because i think i can please Him better while i’m in subspace
<radiogirl> I agree selene
<slavelauren> being in subspace expands my limits alot
<~luna[KM]> I agree with pet_rain that I’m more pliable when in subspace, Master can get me to do things that I would normally hesitate to do when I’m in subspace.
<selene1123> definitely
<radiogirl> Oh yes slavelauren
<radiogirl> thats when you learn how strong you actually are
<~luna[KM]> So, what if you can’t get to subspace? Are there alternatives to experiencing that ‘high’?
<slavelauren> well i dont know about everyone else but i am a slave so i dont have safewords or limits but subspace makes it easier sometimes
<pet_rain> right me too
<radiogirl> well, endorphins come
<radiogirl> and thats my High if i am not in subspace
<slavelauren> i always acheive subspace so i cant answer that
<littlemiss96> i think i do too, slavelauren
<~luna[KM]> I think a pretty darned good orgasm is a great alternative *grins*
<radiogirl> oh yeah luna
<littlemiss96> lol for sure
<selene1123> ditto, luna!
<slavelauren> true
<pet_rain> well… sometimes it doens’t come during sometimes i just feel used, but after its done i guess that feeling of being used and knowing that i made Him happy brings me to sub space
<~luna[KM]> how about emotional release. I know that sometimes when I play I feel emotions just pour out of me and that’s a healing process.
<slavelauren> one little problem with that luna i can only orgasm on command
<slavelauren> so if i dont have permission then that doesnt work for me
<~luna[KM]> sure, then that alternative isn’t good for you.
<slavelauren> for me its all about an emotional release
<pet_rain> i dont think i have emotional releases during play
<selene1123> it has almost nothing to do with physical release for me
<~luna[KM]> Does any of you cry during play/space?
<pet_rain> there is a emotional connetion sometimes
<pet_rain> yes
<pet_rain> i do
<pet_rain>  alot
<selene1123> i haven’t….yet
<radiogirl> oh yes
<littlemiss96> i haven’t yet, but I know I will
<~luna[KM]> How about laugh?
<selene1123> all the time….my Master loves “playful” play
<littlemiss96> oh yes…
<littlemiss96> we laugh togther a lot…and I’ve laughed in orgasm too
<slavelauren> i do both
<~luna[KM]> When I’ve entered space and the pain intensifies I tend to laugh when it hurts
<pet_rain> i’v laughed dureing play but when i’m in space i dont, i’ll smile alot but thats about it
<radiogirl> slavelauren, may I ask a question
<pet_rain> well sometimes i’ll like half laugh half cry its wierd
<littlemiss96> me too, pet_rain
<slavelauren> of course anything?
<radiogirl> how long have you been with your Master?
<radiogirl> im curious about the “come on command”
<slavelauren> over 5 years now
<slavelauren> cumming on command takes alot of practice and patience
<slavelauren> and trial and error
<pet_rain> i’m not allowed to cum without permission but i have trouble cumming on command
<radiogirl> I would like to talk with you about that sometime
<slavelauren> of course when we are finished i will give you my email and yahoo nic i am on alot
<radiogirl> I sent you a PM
<~luna[KM]> Are we ready to move on to Sub Drop?
<radiogirl> with my email
<slavelauren> i am allowed to talk to anyone
<pet_rain> yes
<selene1123> i think i experienced sub drop very badly this weekend
<~luna[KM]> wanna talk about it selene1123?
<littlemiss96> i had my first experience with it last week…awful
<~luna[KM]> I’d like to hear your experiences if you are willing to share them.
<slavelauren> got it radiogirl
<pet_rain> can someone define that for me?
<selene1123> to me, subspace is almost 24/7, but this weekend I completely threw out my neck….could not move, sit up, or talk…much less serve Master
<selene1123> all i wanted to do was cry
<~luna[KM]> Sub Drop is when the endorphins and euphoria leave your body and you feel what I call a crash in mood
<~luna[KM]> For some people this can be very severe and traumatic.
<selene1123> Master had to take care of me and i felt so….useless
<slavelauren> when i experience it is very traumatic
<pet_rain> okay like when you feel like yesterday you were His perfect little tng but today you feel frustrated and all wrong like that?
<~luna[KM]> I have felt that way too selene1123, when I’m sick.
<littlemiss96> i had a really rough time
<slavelauren> have you talk to Him about it?
<littlemiss96> combined with PMS…
<~luna[KM]> When I’m out of commission, he tells me that it’s his turn to take care of his property… his job ya know.
<selene1123> luna, that’s what my Master says….but i still feel so lost
<slavelauren> because Master has never experience subspace or sub drop He has asked me to discuss with Him the feeling that go with each one sub drop more bc He sees subspace in me most of the time
<slavelauren> smae here luna
<~luna[KM]> Did you know that sub drop happens more in committed relationships than in casual or long distance ones?
<selene1123> i can see that
<~luna[KM]> I did a non-academic study with the munch groups I attend and it was overwhelming
<slavelauren> i would have to agree with that
<pet_rain> i can deffently see how
<~luna[KM]> I know what I think as the reason, but why do you think that is the case?
<slavelauren> i think that is more of an emotional attachment in committed relationships
<selene1123> i think it is the level of devotion
<littlemiss96> i think that’s what partially caused mine…i’m realizing my heart is getting involved in this along with my mind and body
<pet_rain> because you are more emotionally connected with them everythings more real in your face everyday
<slavelauren> very tue luna
<slavelauren> true sorry
<~luna[KM]> I think that more casual or separate-lives relationships have less sub drop because of a defense mechanism to protect the person’s emotional state. When in a live-in relationship, you let your guard down more often, allowing for drop.
<littlemiss96> since my relationship is new, I kind of discounted that I would go through sub drop…i was totally unprepared for it
<slavelauren> very true luna
<~luna[KM]> Drop is the same though, the emotional distress, feelings of inadequacy or disbelief that you just went through play activity x, y and z. Or even shock from injuries received, and thoughts on how you can enjoy something like ‘that’.
<radiogirl> Its impossible to be prepared for subdrop
<littlemiss96> Master also had some personal stuff that kept him away from me for a couple of days, and I didn’t know why…in my fragile state, I began to have abandonment issues
<~luna[KM]> What forms of aftercare are available to you when you do drop?
<~luna[KM]> that can totally happen littlemiss96
<slavelauren> yes it can littlemiss
<selene1123> i feel the same way sometimes littlemiss
<littlemiss96> plus I was PMSing…so it was the perfect storm…lol
<slavelauren> Master is really big on aftercare
<radiogirl> lol
<littlemiss96> I talked to Master about it, and he apologized, and has promised to be there for more aftercare
<selene1123> i use my slave journal as aftercare; writing helps me “balance” myself out
<selene1123> plus i’m writing for Master so i feel connected to him
<slavelauren> when i first came to live with Master fulltime i already knew that He leaves every week Monday through Wednesday to see His sub about an hour from here but that first month was horrible abandonment issues galore
<littlemiss96> so do I selene1123…and I send it to Master
<slavelauren> i journal alot
<littlemiss96> i do ok as long as I know what’s going on and why he’s gone…when he says, “talk to you this afternoon” and then he doesn’t…that’s when I freak out
<~luna[KM]> I tend to find that taking a long hot bath or shower helps
<~luna[KM]> and chocolate, lots of chocolate
<littlemiss96> lol chocolate always works
<~luna[KM]> I’ve got some music I like to listen to as well when I’m dropping
<littlemiss96> or I love a day at the beach
<slavelauren> chocolate works very well
<~luna[KM]> Anything else you’d like to talk about related to sub drop?
<slavelauren> i have a meditaion cd that works really well bc it is all about sub drop and it guides you through getting out of it most of the time it works
<~luna[KM]> where did you get a CD like that slavelauren?
<littlemiss96> do y’all find it worse in connection to your cycle?
<selene1123> i’m interested too
<radiogirl> me 2
<littlemiss96> me too
<slavelauren> at a convention i attended a few years ago, i will true to download to mp3 and send it to everyone who would like it
<slavelauren> i have alot of them all different ones
<~luna[KM]> ooooh, that would be way cool! Can you legally share them?
<slavelauren> they help me alot
<radiogirl> I would love that
<slavelauren> i dont see why not
<selene1123> that would be great, slavelauren
<slavelauren> they are not copyrighted
<slavelauren> i just looked
<littlemiss96> should be legal then
<slavelauren> i like helping out anyone who asks especially if it helps them serve their Master better
<radiogirl> I appreciate that
<littlemiss96> thanks so much…should we pm you our email addresses?
<selene1123> thank you

Finding Your Spirituality In Service

A recent journal prompt I came across really inspired me to write about it.  It is spirituality. A lot of what I hear about spirituality is related to religion, but BDSM can be spiritual too and I’d like to explore that with you.

What is the relationship between spirituality and religion? Is BDSM spiritual? –Submissive Journal Prompts

Religion and spirituality have a connection but they don’t have to be connected. When you believe in a structured religion it generally means you have a spirituality about it. But when you are spiritual, that doesn’t mean you are connected to religion. Does that make sense?

BDSM can be spiritual if you feel connected to it in a similar way as you would religion. The whole idea of BDSM is an overpowering idea of all things sexual, sensual and relationship related that involve our entire being, life and identity. This isn’t about being kinky in the bedroom; anyone can do that. This is about living and breathing an alternative lifestyle that embraces BDSM in its core.

When you are serving, do you feel focused on the service and the power that you receive from your partner? Does it give you a floaty feeling or a sense of being that reminds you of inner peace and acceptance of your life? You could be experiencing service as spiritual.

My experiences with spiritual BDSM are limited, but the moments I felt at complete peace with myself I felt transcended into happiness and wholeness that I’ve never experienced any other way than when I was praying as a teen, looking for divine intervention in my sad life. The feeling that what I was doing at the time was just right, almost perfect and exactly what I should be doing gave me a strong sense of my spiritual self.

How To Connect

If you wish to grow closer to your submission and bring a spirituality in your service, you can look no further than your own religious exposure, whether you own or someone’s stories.

• Find a quote, mantra or mediation that means a lot to you and your service. Memorize it and say it often.
• Practice mediation techniques so that you can find your inner peace easier.
• Find a way to worship your owner. This can be by ritual bathing, foot worship, or other body part service. It can also be learning new skills to enhance your service with your owner in mind. Massage is one that I think of.
• Perform your service with focused slow steps. Develop your grace. Do every step with purpose and meaning.

Each of these ideas can help you connect with the spirituality of your service and will provide you with a new way to be intimate with your Dominant.

Spirituality is not required as a part of your service. It is just a way to enhance what you already do. If you are a bedroom submissive, these ideas can be applied to sexual service as well. Imagine a spiritual blow job or a ritual massage as a part of foreplay. Spirituality can be a part of anything you do.

Don’t let the idea of spirituality or religion overwhelm you. Make your part in BDSM whatever you want to make it. If spirituality is what you’d like to try, please embrace some of the ideas here, or share some in the comments. What ideas do you have for bringing out your spirituality in service?

Your Thoughts

darkpaladin on twitter gave me his thoughts on spirituality. Here’s what he had to say.

BDSM is very close to a religion for me – to me it is about lifting people up and showing them their internal energy and power. A dom acts a guide and submissive acts as the vessel of energy. The sacraments are time, trust and orgasms when a sub gives certain power away they awaken to their own inner strength and deification. We are all deities. The dom leads on the sub’s journey and the sub shows the dom in similar ways.

Do you have any thoughts to share?

photo by tapperboy

The Importance of Rules

Rules, instructions and assignments are things that are given to me by my Dominant for very important reasons. To follow them should bring me the pride and happiness that I feel for him, and remind me that he cares for me. Rules are in place to keep me in line, place my heart and mind in the submissive mindset, and to make sure that I hold myself in his honor. Disrespect is greatly frowned upon. Instructions and assignments are meant to help me improve myself for him. I am to follow all of these so that I present myself as a loving, obedient and beautiful woman for him.

When I was given a set of rules from my Dominant, I was excited that he felt the need to give me things to do for him, to make me available for him always. The list involves a wide range of things in my life to improve upon and maintain. These things are to be done everyday, or at his specific request. Without these I do not have a purpose, my goal of pleasing him has no method. These rules are established not only for him to govern aspects of my life and behavior but also for me to express myself to him by following them. I bring him pride when I follow the rules he has set out.

I use these rules as an anchor for my life. I look at them daily, and plan out my day around accomplishing them. It gives me fulfillment to finish them in a certain time and to know that he has given them to me to fill my world with him. I think about him constantly as I follow through on them, wishing he were here to see me do them, but knowing that one day that will come. The rules are his love pouring out on me, giving me that strength and wisdom I need at every turn of the day to do what I need to do. I follow the rules to show that I love and serve him faithfully.

The rules are important because they are his instructions, his plan to help in my modification as his perfect submissive. Without these rules I would just be a woman without a goal. These rules are what make me who I am, and mold me into what he wants to see. These rules enhance my life and his; they lead on the right road and are there to hold me in his comfort while I do them. These rules are his love and guidance. They are central to my development and enhancement as his submissive. I need them to remind me of who I am.

Failing to achieve all the rules on a daily basis can happen for many reasons and some for no reason at all. They could happen for physical ailments, in which case, my Dominant would seek compassion I’m sure and allow a slide. The day could be filled with a lot of other activities and in that case, one should have permission to not fulfill certain tasks. The worst failing is just to forget. Forgetting is a breakdown in the commitment and trust between Master and submissive and should be avoided with all being. When forgetting takes place, punishment is the result, to again remind the submissive, who controls who, and that the Dominant holds love and pride in the submissive even through a failing. Completing the punishment should better the girl and help enforce the rules once again.

It is important to find ways not to fail on the rules established by my Dominant. Finding ways to avoid that have included making a daily checklist, not allowing enjoyable rest time until the list is accomplished, and staying up late, or getting up early to make sure time is not an issue. Other ways to avoid displeasing my Dominant have not been set up just yet.

Rules are set to be followed; there is no excuse that does not come with repercussions. If one does not believe that these rules are important the breakdown of the relationship will occur. Following the rules will give me the feeling of comfort and love. I will do them to the best of my ability, unless shown how to do them differently by my Dominant. My goal is to ultimately please my Dominant without having to think about the rules, get them ingrained in my mind, becoming second nature and finally my whole heart will only want to please and obey him.

photo credit by probondage2008

Balancing Depression and Submission

Everyone has gone though bouts of depression at one time or another. For some, it’s practically debilitating and others can handle it in stride without much of a bat of the eyelashes. I recently recovered from a long time depression with the help of medications and my Dominant’s caring. It’s never an easy process, but being reminded that your submission is still desired can help.

When I was depressed, I didn’t find joy in doing the things I normally did for my Dominant. It was hard getting up everyday to make his coffee and care for him as usual. Some days he allowed me to ’sit this one out’, but usually he just took me under his patient wing and nudged me back into submitting to him.

Finding your way back out of the darkness isn’t always easy. There are a lot of inner thoughts telling you to stay there, in the void of no comfort, dark peace and sadness. I’ve been there too many times to count. It is possible though to continue your submission at some degree and still be depressed. It may even be your window out.

Keep the Routine

The last thing you want to do is keep a routine going when you feel like your world is at an impasse, but I highly recommend trying to keep your daily routine intact as much as possible. Reminding yourself that this is the way you were happy and will continue to be happy might just resolve some of those depressive feelings. Even when I was depressed, I still made his coffee and cooked his meals (although less fancy).  I still called him by his title and followed most of my rules. He did relax a few of them but reminded me that if I continued to do them that he would be pleased.

Get Out of Bed

Feeling bad for yourself always displays outwardly as not getting out of bed, not bathing or not bathing frequently and a lack of self-care for how you look. Force yourself to continue to take care of your body even if you don’t feel like it. Dressing how you feel doesn’t encourage a change in your mood, but drives you deeper. Falling into the comfort of your bed and not getting moving within a decent time can worsen your depression. Your dominant is still looking to you to be a companion and one they want to be around. Remember the saying that a submissive is a reflection on the dominant? Keep the illusion up even if you feel horrible inside. Your dominant will thank you for it.

Ask for Help

Wallowing in your sadness is okay for awhile. No one can go through life without feeling depression for a short time, but know that you should ask for help if it gets to the point that you don’t have any good feelings anymore. Going to friends to talk if you don’t think professional help is necessary is a good first step. Let them help you revive the happiness that is in there. If you notice your friends trying to get you out of the house and moving again, listen to them. They can see your changes and are worried about you.

Get professional help if your depression lasts longer than 2 weeks.

photo credit Esther_G

What Should You Do When Your Wants or Needs Aren’t Met?

To conclude this series on wants and needs I’d like to talk about what to do when you needs and wants are not being met.  We’ve already discussed how important the fulfillment of needs are to your relationship and also what your desires are. You can also review how to express your wants and needs to your partner so that you are both on level footing. If you need to review, please do so.

Men and women live in relationships all the time and are unhappy because they don’t get what they need from the other person. No matter how much talking or arguing goes on, nothing gets accomplished. We’ve all seen the divorce rate increase due to irreparable differences. Most of these probably could be prevented if we all learned to explain our wants and needs to each other.

Your wants and needs are a part of a D/s relationship. If they aren’t being respected and honored then  you have a few things you can do to bring the relationship back on track.

• Sit them down and have a heart to heart with your partner. Use non-attacking words. Don’t say “You do this, or you don’t do that.” Instead stick with ‘I’ words. “I feel…”, “I believe…”, “I need…”.
• Suggest changing up your relationship by adding x,y and z. These are needs or wants that are not being fulfilled.
• Write a letter to your partner about your feelings. This could open up lines of conversation that may not exist now.

Unfortunately there are times where needs or wants can’t be filled by the person you are with. If the above ideas don’t help improve you sense of happiness and fulfillment then you will have to face the truth that they may not be the right person for you.

Leaving a relationship is a difficult decision and one that shouldn’t be taken lightly. I feel that if your happiness is in jeopardy then you should do what’s best for you.

Do you have ideas for what to do in this situation?

Wants and Needs Series

1. Know What You Want, Learn What You Need
2. Distinguishing Between Wants and Needs
3. The Importance of Needs
4. Expressions of Wants and Needs
5. What Should You Do When Your Wants or Needs Aren't Met?

Expressions of Wants and Needs

In the previous post about Wants and Needs we began to understand the importance of Needs for ourselves and our relationship. If you would like to go back and read The Importance of Needs to review, please do so.

In this post I’d like to talk about how to express your wants and needs with yourself and with the one you serve. Once you have your list worked out and are satisfied with how important it is for you to have these needs met, it’s time to express them. Not only will it keep your submissive transparent, but it will provide you with information on your partner’s wants and needs. Needs lists are not negotiable. You shouldn’t settle and you should never have someone convince you that your needs aren’t important. If you think that, go back and read the previous post.

When To Speak Up

Your needs are one of the most important facets of your happiness that should be fulfilled in order to continue to be happy. Everyone has periods in time where their needs may not be met for a short time, but for life-long happiness we know that they should be met with more consistency. Admitting this to yourself is the first step to that fulfillment.

Try this exercise:

In the next few moments, take a look at your list of needs. Read each of them aloud, “I need _____ to be fulfilled.” How does it resonate to you? How does it rank when compared to the entire list? Should you organize them according to importance? Perhaps you have some on there that you now see could be wants instead, feel free to move them to the other list.

Now do the same thing with your wants. Read each of them aloud, “I want _____ to be happy.” How do these feel? Are you self-serving, materialistic or impossible to achieve? You might want to remove them from the list. There also may be ones that you will want to move back to the needs list. That’s fine.

In a relationship it is important to let the other person know what you expect as far as needs early on. You owe to your possible future happiness that the two (or more) of you are on the same page. This way you have less likelihood of arguments based on needs not being met, you have a lower chance of unhappiness and failure of the relationship.

Plan to let your needs be known within the first few weeks of a blossoming relationship. You wouldn’t want someone to spend a lot of time with you if you have children on your needs list, but they have no intention of having any.

Having The Talk

This conversation can be serious in nature, but it can also be casual and relaxed. As I’ve said earlier, letting partners know our needs should be done relatively early on in the relationship so that compatibility can be established. You should try to make it general conversation because just talking from a list is more like an interview than getting to know someone.

Examples of how to start the talk:

• I really love how you make me feel _____. I really need that from you.
• What’s your idea of the perfect relationship? I’ll share mine, if you share yours.
• My dream home will have _____ in it, what do you think?
• How important is _____ to you?

How do you share your wants and needs with your partner? Share your thoughts in the comments!

photo credit by нσвσ

Wants and Needs Series

1. Know What You Want, Learn What You Need
2. Distinguishing Between Wants and Needs
3. The Importance of Needs
4. Expressions of Wants and Needs
5. What Should You Do When Your Wants or Needs Aren't Met?

Importance of Needs

In the previous post about wants and needs you made a list of your wants and a list of your needs so that you had them defined for your training resume. In this essay I will share why needs are so important to your overall health and happiness in a relationship and why settling for less than what you need is detrimental to you and the relationship.

I’m going to use the basic needs of security, comfort and love for this discussion but any needs that you have on your list will apply just as well. Feel free to make this part of your personal analysis. This is for your own development and I hope that it will help you see why needs are so important.

Basic Needs Explained

Security for example is the first need that you should have met in order to live. This can be physical, emotional or financial security. Without the sense of safety and security you can not easily go about your day. Things that can threaten your security are unemployment, abuse and terrorist threats. A breakdown of security can make all other needs unimportant until this one is rebuilt. Just think about if you lost your house to a flood, how would you respond to the threat on your security? Would food or clean clothing be as important or would they take a back seat to re-securing a home?

Comfort is also an important need for people. With comfort you add food, clothing, and other material goods. Generally these would be things to enhance the security of your life. Nourishment of your body, mind and heart comes from providing comfort for yourself. Comfort in a relationship could be trust, honesty, openness and commonality. Without comfort you could experience malnourishment, depression and other physical and emotional stress.

Love is the last need that I’m going to cover here. Love is relative to each person, and is not restricted to intimate spousal love. Friendships and familial love are also important in your life for balance. It’s hard to be happy if you feel unloved. People who feel unloved can experience depression, stress and some have taken their own life. Love is just that important.

As a submissive, you may have additional base needs that a dominant provides. The sense of control from your partner is one that I can think of. In order for you to feel whole in your submission you may need a dominant to exert control over you. This is considered a need; you can’t be submissive without it.

Need Deficits

A lot of what we experience as stress and depression and a sense of lacking is due to our needs not being filled completely. These deficits impact us in different ways, but over the long term the lack of having our needs met can make us ill, very unhappy and frustrated. For example, what happens if your greatest need of affection wasn’t being reached? Would you feel unwanted, alone, frustrated and unhappy? Of course you would!

Not all feelings of sadness, frustration or depression have to do with lack of satisfied needs, but most can be lead back to a basic need or desire being ignored. It is my belief that more divorces happen because someone’s needs aren’t being met than any other reason. Open and honest conversation could have prevented some compatibility issues in many relationships.

As with all D/s relationships, communication is encouraged anyway, so make sure your needs are communicated as well. If they change, let your partner know. The power exchange has to do with needs as well as everything else in the relationship, use it to get what you need.

Settling For Less

So you’ve found out what your needs are, and you are entering a relationship. What if you can’t get all of your needs met in that relationship? Do you settle for less than what you need? How do you cope? Getting only some of your needs met, as I’ve said before, can have bad consequences and could mean the end of the relationship.

When it comes to needs you should never settle for less. There is a reason why you have made a list of needs compared to wants. Needs are just that. You have to have them to be happy. Make sure you share you needs long before your wants hit the table.

The next time you take a look at your needs list, make a note of how important that need is. You can always scale them so that you can make sure your base needs are being met. Never settle for less than what you require. Submissives have needs too, make sure yours get met.

Wants and Needs Series

1. Know What You Want, Learn What You Need
2. Distinguishing Between Wants and Needs
3. The Importance of Needs
4. Expressions of Wants and Needs
5. What Should You Do When Your Wants or Needs Aren't Met?

Distinguishing Between Wants and Needs

Continuing the Wants and Needs Series, this essay is about knowing the difference between wants and needs. If you would like to read the previous essay, please read “Know What You Want, Learn What You Need.”

The difference between wants and needs can be answered in one basic question. Is this something you can live without?

Need- something you have to have
Want -something you would like to have

When we discuss basics, the needs are food, clothing and shelter, but what about relationships? When you enter into a relationship you have needs to be fulfilled also.  These could be love, attention, and affection. In a D/s relationship these could also be rules, structure, discipline and many others.

Exercise

Make a list of everything you dream of having in your perfect relationship. Don’t be stingy, list it all. Once you have made your list, go through each item and decide if it is a want or a need. Imagine your relationship without each item. Would it detract from your happiness? If it would, then it is a need. If you could be happy without it, then it is a want. Mark them so that you can refer to these two lists as needed.

Place this list in your Training Resume.

The wants on your list are just as important as the needs, but because they are only wants, they do not all have to be met to make you happy. Some of these could be desires that could be met once and that want can be removed from your list. Try to make sure that when you are in a relationship there is a happy balance of wants filled as well as the needs you need to feel completed.

In the next post in the series I’m going to talk about how to share your wants and needs with your partner so that you can make sure the relationship is compatible for the both of you.

Stay tuned.

Wants and Needs Series

1. Know What You Want, Learn What You Need
2. Distinguishing Between Wants and Needs
3. The Importance of Needs
4. Expressions of Wants and Needs
5. What Should You Do When Your Wants or Needs Aren't Met?

The Meaning Behind Service and Serving

When someone becomes a submissive for the first time and finds a dominant the first words I generally hear them say is that they like being of service or they like serving. When asked what it is about service that they enjoy it tends to boil down to sex and play. There is far more to service than the play, and believe me, there are submissives that don’t even play but find fulfillment in service.

Service is any activity or function that you fill to make your dominant partner’s life easier. This could be as simple as preparing their coffee, laying out their clothes for them or performing domestic chores. Yes, it does include the play and sex aspects of some relationships, but not all of them are wired this way.

Take for example a domestic submissive. What calls them to serve is completely different than a service submissive (more on this term later). Each of them gains happiness and fulfillment out of the services they provide their dominant partner, but the service they provide can be very different. Many times a domestic submissive will have minimal or no sexual interaction with their owner. I’ve even been propositioned by a few male domestics that all they want to do is come and clean my house. It’s the pleasure of cleaning for someone that they want to enjoy.

So, what does it mean to be of service to your dominant? Does it mean you will be doing the chores around the house, caring for family or pets, perhaps paying the bills and running errands? Could it mean you are a personal assistant and keep your partner in check, organized and prepared for everything the day may throw at them? Or are you the sex object that fills every fantasy and whim without a moment’s hesitation? All of these things are service. Some other things that can service items can include:

• cooking
• cleaning
• grooming
• health
• personal trainer
• pet care
• home repair
• car repair
• organization
• event planning
• child care
• chauffeur
• scheduling
• secretarial
• intellectual conversationalist

Discover Your Purpose in Service

Finding your meaning in service isn’t always easy. You have to start with what you want and need out of a relationship. I’ve written a whole series about Wants and Needs that you can refer to if you need help figuring these things out. Once you’ve identified what you need, you can develop the services around it that will feed your needs. If you require structure, you could develop a Home Control Journal. If you like to be a hostess and use anticipatory service you could have a Butler’s Book. Perhaps you would like to develop your sexual service skills or your personal assistant skills and learn how to properly bathe and clothe someone. The possibilities are endless.

Service Submissives

There is a type of submissive that seeks only to serve. In this passion there is happiness and joy to be asked to do even menial tasks. They may derive pleasure from things other than sexual connection or play. Service Submissives can become domestics, personal assistants, chauffeurs, and handmaids.

What makes this type of submissive so special is their ability to adapt to whatever service their partner requires of them with little adjustment period. Service Submissives can bring pleasure to their dominant with little effort. It is my opinion that service submissives are rare and unique people. Not everyone can be a service submissive, but if you are one, you are worth your weight in gold and then some. All other submissives most likely look up to you for your ability to serve so smoothly.

Here are some of my ideas of what a service submissive might be.

• Personal secretary; taking calls, answering the door, responding to emails, scheduling and coffee fetching.
• Body servant; bathing, shaving, grooming and overall health care of the dominant.
• Escort; social elitist with the ability to bring attention to your owner, chat about all sorts of world topics and look beautiful on their arm.
• Service Top; when an owner is a masochist it may be requested that the submissive learn play activities to service the top.

Do you have any other ideas of what a service submissive can be? Share them in the comments!

Now that you have a better understanding of what service is, how can you use your talents to create your service resume? What services do you provide your owner? What services would they like you to learn or enhance?

Know What You Want, Learn What You Need

Wants and needs are very important to any relationship. When you start to understand who you are as a submissive, it’s time to figure out what you are looking for in a relationship.

Submissives all over seem to know what they want out of a relationship; it’s always present in their minds. The play, the sex, the love or strictness of dominance. Wants are very valid to the happiness in your life, but more important are the needs. When you think of needs, the list seems to come harder and people struggle more with defining what they really need.

Wants and needs are always changing for me. As my submission develops I have to review what I want and need from my Owner to make me feel comfortable in my role. We talk frequently about both of our desires and needs and that way we can make sure that our relationship stays strong and we are both getting out of it what we put into it. It’s that important.

I’d like to write a series of essays about defining wants and needs so that you can really control all of the things you desire and comfortably share them with your partner or perspective partner. Hopefully after you read my posts you will have a better handle on what’s most important to you and what you can live without but would prefer not to.

Needs

Needs for a submissive are the core items that will provide you with ‘life’. In reality these are the basics of life such as water, shelter, air and food. But you can also name your own personal needs amongst them. These personal needs are what I’ll be talking about in this series.

Wants

A person’s wants are desires that are additional to needs, but are not required for your happiness. Discerning your needs from your wants is a step by step process. We’ll cover how to figure out the differences between wants and needs in another post.

You may want to follow along with a notebook and pen on hand, or if you like digital then open up a word processor application. I’m going to cover the importance of knowing what your needs are in the next post of this series.

Wants and Needs Series

1. Know What You Want, Learn What You Need
2. Distinguishing Between Wants and Needs
3. The Importance of Needs
4. Expressions of Wants and Needs
5. What Should You Do When Your Wants or Needs Aren't Met?

Discovering Your Submissive Nature

Discovering your submissive nature isn’t always a sudden process. For many people it takes some soul searching to see that you may enjoy being a people-pleaser or that when someone asks you to do something you happily do it without a second thought. For others it takes some social reprogramming to allow your full nature to come out.

There are two identified forms of submission; natural and learned. Of these two it is more common to be a learned submissive. Natural submission is not just about always wanting to make someone happy, but the inner joy and peace that comes automatically without any training. For those submissives that have it naturally, serving a dominant becomes second nature quite easily.

Learned submission takes a lot more effort but is just as rewarding. It may begin with a small pang of happiness when you have done something that makes your dominant happy. As you continue to achieve that praise your mind begins to rewrite the social coding for serving. Once your behaviors have been changed by either training or self-taught behavior modification you can not tell a natural submissive apart from a learned submissive. The joy in serving is equal.

When Do You Learn

Learning you are submissive for most people is an acceptance of themselves. Societal behaviors have taught us from a young age that we should help ourselves first, and that helping others in a form of service is actually lower class. The natural progression for a person to realize they are submissive is that perhaps you have always enjoyed doing things for others without a return. The return was actually the feeling of fulfillment of your purpose. This likely didn’t have the term submissive attached to it until you were introduced to the lifestyle.

Since I am a learned submissive it actually took quite a while for me to see in myself that I had an inner peace when I helped others, or when I served my Owner. For many like me, it’s a slow learning process that only you can oversee. No one can make you submissive. It will be a struggle within yourself to break down barriers and relearn traits that you thought were not a part of you.

You can’t have anyone else tell you who you are. You have to take the time to discover it yourself. You can do that by reading more about submission, talking to elder, more experienced submissives or going through a self-training program like Miss Abernathy’s Concise Slave Training Manual, now in an Omnibus called Erotic Slavehood: A Miss Abernathy Omnibus. Once you discover your nature, you can develop it and cause it to flourish and grow.

Submissive Blossoming

Once you discover that you are submissive it is almost overwhelming what you can do with it. Being submissive is not limiting, but freeing. Now you can take your talents and help and serve others with it. Identifying your talents and strengths is just the first step. You then can study and improve yourself with items that focus your submission more so your partner will better benefit from your service.

Are you good at organization? Maybe cooking and baking makes you happy? What about personal safety or escort service? The activities you enjoy can now be a part of your service to a potential owner. Take a course to enhance your knowledge or buy some study manuals. Learning is never frowned upon in a submissive.

What about things you want to learn? Make a short list now of all the things you’d love to learn. Make a mark next to them if they would be considered a help to someone else. This could be massage, event planning, machinery, home repair, crafts, writing and beauty care to name a few. Anything can be a talent to bring to your service. The more services you know and hone to your best ability the more valuable you become to your Owner.

Bring Pride to Your Submission

Developing your personal pride in your submission provides a glow of happiness to your role, your heart and your relationship. Humbly allowing your joy in serving to radiate around you increases your personal worth and can cheer others. The passion for service is something rarely cultured enough to be of value in this materialistic, hurried world. Allow your fulfillment to drive you to do good for not only yourself, but others.

Your submissive nature is unique. No one submits in exactly the same way and it is impossible to really define submission in a general manner because of this. A habit of mine, and will continue though this site is that a submissive is one who serves, in any capacity desired. Slaves are also considered submissives with this definition. While it is discussed in many many places that slaves and submissives are separate, for the sake of discussion here I’d like to join the idea of service to both roles.

Allow you submissive nature to mold you and bring you happiness. It is the driving force in life.