Reader’s Response to Addictions

I got quite a few wonderful responses in my email about addictions after I posted about my own vice. Some of you have allowed me to share your thoughts here for everyone to read. Thank you so much for sharing your stories. I know that someone will be touched by them; I know I have.

Anon1:

im a self-injurer.  i told Sir, and that was the hardest thing i ever did.   i didnt know what his reaction would be.  once you tell someone this, you cannot take it back.  but he was wonderful  about it.  of course i am forbidden to self-injure, (i cut myself).  and i must contact him when i am triggered.  at first it was very hard, because it was so easy just to cut when the stress built up and i needed a release.  that is now not an option.  i realize some people dont consider this an addiction perhaps, but to a certain extent i feel it is.  Sir has been so supportive and caring.  He never brow beat me about it.  with Sir, i can accomplish anything, even getting past self-injuring which i never thought wouldve been possible.   thank you so much for being so brave to tell you story and fight with this.  you will win this fight.

Anon2:

I am an alcoholic. Master has made suggestions but has not given me any orders. I tried to hide it at first, but the more I went out the more I sent texts and emails. Then the guilt set in and I came clean. He pulled away and stopped calling me his doll. That hurt the most. When he does not call my name my heart breaks. Doll. BUT I DID NOT STOP. being and addict is an everyday struggle. but it is something he wants me to come to terms with on my own. He cares about me. I am trying to beat this and with his encouraging words I hope I can. I do not want to lose him.

Anon3:

i truly know what you are saying about food addiction. 7 years ago i stopped smoking after 36 years and a two pack addiction to cigarettes. and that was nothing compare to trying to control my food addiction. last year i did loose 46 pounds and i was thinking boy i am on my way. so this year i wanted to loose the last 50 pounds. well i am not sure that well happen. one day i do real good the next i do not do well. i have a Master we have been in our relationship almost a year now. it is not a 24/7 relationship. another word we do not live together and He does give me a lot of freedom due to my family and His. but He knows about me trying to loose this last 50 pounds. the year is more than half over and i have only lost 15 pounds. He always tells me He does not reward bad behavior. and that seems to work in all areas except my eating habit. someday when i get cared away with the eating i just say well i well start again tomorrow. but most time i don’t .i don’t know how to bring it up to my Master and i do not know what kind of help to ask for. i know i just don’t feel right about not letting Master in on how hard this is for me and i need help.
my mother would always say there are two ways to look at food. one is you eat to live. the second is you live to eat. well when your addiction is food you are the second.and that is me.
so as you can see i do not have an answer for you but i can tell you there are a lot of us out here in the same boat. all we want is to be healthy and happy.

i wish you luck on your journey and  anyone else who is on this roll a coaster ride with food addiction.

If you have a story you want to tell, I’m here to listen. I keep all emails private unless permission is given to share them. That is ALWAYS the case.

photo by Capture Queen

Coming Clean: Admitting Your Disobedience

We all have those little voices in our head that tell us what to do. Sometimes it tries to convince us that our disobedience is okay.  The voices are very convincing at times and then we have guilt riding with us until we come clean. Perhaps you’ve heard these voices yourself:

“Come on, he won’t see me have this Pepsi I’m not supposed to have. I can drink it before he comes home and no one need know.”

“As long as it looks like I cleaned the kitchen he won’t care, I can bend the rules a bit with this one.”

“He won’t know that I didn’t go to bed on time if I stay off the computer; I’m not ready to sleep just yet.”

These are simple voices, but only you know how far your voices go to stray you from the path of your personal submission.

If you give in to the voices you have a choice to make. You can keep it a secret and live with the guilt until it eats you up so much that you just have to tell them. By then the infraction isn’t only that you had a pop, for example, but that you hid it from them, perhaps even lied to keep them from finding out and you are in deep deep trouble. Or you can do the good submissive thing and admit your misdeed as soon as you can. The sooner the better.

Honesty is always the best policy, even if that means you are going to be in trouble for a time for disobeying. The pain of guilt and added punishment is far far worse. Coming clean isn’t easy. It means admitting to the person you serve that you didn’t take their rules seriously enough to obey them. It means that you failed them.

The level of the failure varies on the infraction, but admitting it to your Dominant does give you some level of uplift when the punishment is handed down. I’ve even had my Dominant tell me that since I brought it to him so quickly that my punishment would be less. If you count sitting in the kitchen facing the microwave for 15 mins as less (ugh I hate time out).

Coming clean does not mean you can listen to those voices again. You need to learn from your mistakes and make a concious choice not to do it again.

How do you come clean? What is the longest you held something in and how did you get disciplined for it? Share your story so that others may learn from your trials.

photo by Robyn Gallagher

Carte Blanche – Repeating Misbehavior Patterns

Getting in trouble. We’ve all been there a time or two. It comes with learning and training new things as well as changing behaviors. Our Dominants generally don’t derive any pleasure out of punishing us and the guilt we put on ourselves can be more damaging than the misdeed in the first place. Allowing that the punishment has been handed out and the misdeed forgiven, why do we sometimes continue to fail with the same behavior and wind up right back in the hot seat? I’m going to talk about a submissive’s mindset when it comes to repeat patterns in behavior and why we just can’t keep our feet on the straight and narrow.

When I first starting learning what it was like to be my Master’s submissive, I found that there was a lot to know and that assuming one thing over knowing another generally got me in trouble a lot. I bucked against old habits and experience from past relationships. All of these things weren’t going to make my new life any easier. I kept getting in trouble for the same things over and over again. No matter how hard I worked to be good, and trust me I worked at it. The time between punishments did lengthen, but only slightly.

I was in the mindset of the carte blanche. In plain English, that’s the clean slate syndrome. After punishment, did I really learn my lesson? Probably not. I listened to the lecture, I felt the pain of the lash and then I was off to do whatever I was supposed to with a clean slate. Until the next time.

Learn From Your Mistakes

Learning from your mistakes is the first and most important task of a submissive when it comes to changing behavior patterns that are not welcome to your Dominant. For many submissives, this comes very easily. This is not the group of submissives this post is focused on. Those of us who require a lot of mental and/or physcial focus to change our behaviors will understand that falling back into our old ways is easy, no matter how badly we would want to be good and learn the new behavior.

Try to keep your new behaviors obvious to you. You may need to place note cards throughout your house, wear a reminder bracelet or have an audio reminder to help you change your behavior. Get support and advice from senior submissives to help you learn how to change your behavior.

Have Patience

You will not learn new behaviors overnight. To learn a new behavior you need to do it consistently for 3 weeks; but this, in its self, is not an easy task. We make it easier by practicing first. We need to do two things here. Firstly, we need to be able to easily perform the require actions. Secondly, we need to link that action to a cue. A cue can be anything from a command or a visual indication.

For example, imagine that you have a new behavior that you must kneel before getting into your Dominant’s bed at night. At first you will probably forget this habit and need to be reminded by your Dominant. It’s a normal part of learning. Then after a bit you may remember most of the time, but still have moments where you are startled back onto the floor because you suddenly remembered you didn’t kneel. Finally, you have established your new behavior and correction is no longer needed.

Punishment For Attention

Many novice submissives haven’t learned how to communicate their needs or wants completely yet, and find themselves breaking rules and getting into ’small trouble’ just to get attention they need or want. They can consider punishment just as a part of their relationship and not realize the importance of learning that the misbehavior is not welcome and punishment is not pleasurable.

Others will try to get punished by being unusually bratty when they really just want to play. It unfortunately shows a lack of self-control and submissive weakness. Normal bratty behavior can be cute and endearing if the Dominant likes that attitude. Being aggressively so is what I’m referring to here.

Punishment is not  goal, it is something to be avoided. Your bad behavior reflects poorly on yourself and your Dominant. It can undermind the progress you have made in your submission and can end your relationship. Living in carte blanche syndrome is like not taking enough serious work into becoming the best submissive you can be for your Dominant. It’s time to change your thinking.

Focus on the Positive

Submission is a journey that never ends. If you try to change, you can change. Through open communication and focused energy you can be the shining light in your Dominant’s eyes. Live for the praise and positive reinforcement. You’ve earned it.

Handling Guilt from Mistakes and Punishment

Everyone at one time or another is going to go through moments of guilt. Submissives may have added self-guilt when you break a rule, or upset your Dominant. These things are going to happen as you develop and grow in your role and your life. It’s hard to believe but no one is perfect.

What is guilt?

• Feeling of responsibility for negative circumstances that have befallen yourself or others.
• Feeling of regret for your real or imagined misdeeds, both past and present.
• Sense of remorse for thoughts, feelings or attitudes that were or are negative, uncomplimentary or non-accepting concerning yourself or others.
• Feeling of obligation for not pleasing, not helping or not placating another.
• Feeling of bewilderment and lack of balance for not responding to a situation in your typical, stereotype manner.
• Feeling of loss and shame for not having done or said something to someone who is no longer available to you.
• Accepting of responsibility for someone else’s misfortune or problem because it bothers you to see that person suffer.
• Motivator to amend all real or perceived wrongs.
• Strong moral sense of right and wrong that inhibits you from choosing a “wrong” course of action; however, you assign your own definitions to the words.
• Driving force or mask behind which irrational beliefs hide.

The First Step

The first step to resolving guilt is recognizing guilt. It may seem a stupid step but guilt is stealthy. It comes in the middle of the night and takes up residence, even without our noticing it.

I remember my first really bad mistake with my Master. Even after the punishment was over, I wasn’t done punishing myself. He had moved on and I continued to mope around living in the idea that I had displeased him. I didn’t realize it was guilt though. I just thought I was feeling bad for being bad. I let it get so bad that I couldn’t enjoy the play and sex that we had later on. I was still stuck on the mistake I had made.

Answer the following questions in a journal.

a. What problem is currently troubling me?
b. Who is responsible for the problem?
c. Whose problem is it, really?
d. What did I do to make this problem worse for myself?
e. How much guilt do I feel about this problem?
f. How much does the guilt I experience exaggerate or exacerbate my problem?
g. If I felt no more guilt what would my problem look like then?

This recognition could be enough to drop the self-flagellation. If it doesn’t, at the very least it gives us permission to heal, to take the next step and let go of the pain.

Let Go of the Pain

Welcome the pain in, accept the feelings you are having and let go of the shame associated with it. Feel the sorrow without acting on it. Our emotions are fluid and if we can just allow them to happen they will ease. And yet we fight it, deny it, pretend it doesn’t exist – and that keeps us blocked, weighs us down.

In your questions answered above, question ‘g’ should give you an opening into what the real problem is. This could help you see what is blocking you from resolving the problem.

Could it be that you haven’t been punished for the mistake or had it recognized by your Dominant as an issue? Many times guilt can make the punishment work harder than it needs to, it can take a small mistake and make it a huge one. Allow your Dominant to know what you are feeling and release the responsibility of that mistake.

Punishment is a good way to resolve not only the problem but the guilt involved. I know on many occasions I asked to be punished for something I did that he didn’t consider punish-worthy just because I had a lot of guilt behind it. The punishment was a way of purifying my emotions. It is possible that you are unconciously asking for resolution to come from someone else.

Affirmations

Lastly, make sure you affirm that you are good. You deserve to have the problem resolved, you deserve to treat yourself right and you deserve to be treated well. Meditate on the corrected behavior and find a way to prevent it from happening again. Atone for the mistake in a positive way and move on from the guilt.

photo credit by Maigh

10 Red Flags of Bad or Abusive Dominants

Predators and abusive Dominants are everywhere. I’ve seen them and been subjected to them in a casual relationship. Thankfully I escaped into a kind and loving relationship that I wouldn’t trade for the world. But how do you know the person you are with is an abuser and not just  a strict Dominant?

I’m going to give you 10 Red Flags that can indicate you are with an abusive person. This is no where near an exhaustive list. There are many many more flags out there. See the list of other essays below if you want a more in depth article.

1. Are you afraid of your Dominant?
2. Do they threaten to leave or abandon you of you don’t submit?
3. Do they threaten violence if you don’t submit?
4. Does the Dominant give you expensive gifts to get you to do something you don’t honestly want to do?
5. Have you gained or lost a lot of weight while being with the Dominant? (this does not include intended weight loss or gain)
6. Do they make you feel guilty if you can’t or won’t do something?
7. Does the Dominant make you feel ugly and unwanted?
8. Have you ever felt like you have been raped after having sex with the Dominant?
9. Do they ignore your needs, such as medical treatment, food or clothing?
10. Have they ever questioned your loyalty when you question their behavior?
11. (Yup, I could keep going…) Does your Dominant ignore your limits or safe words?

Other Warning Signs

There are many many more that can also be key signs that the person you are with is dangerous. Other essays about dangerous and abusive Dominants that I recommend reading are:

• Red Flags, Warning Signs and Intuition: Learning to Trust Your Instincts, Part One by Norische
• Red Flags by Turning Point.com
• Red Flags for Abusive Relationships by The Red Flag Campaign
• Eight Red Flags for New Relationships and Possible Date Abuse
• Do You Know The Red Flags by Dangers of Internet Dating
• Red Flags by Crisis Convention
• Playing and Staying Safe from Come Hither added 4/13/09

Where to Find Help

It is important that you find out for yourself and then get out. There are local and national agencies to help you get away safely and start your life over again.

I strongly support the National Leather Association – International Domestic Violence Project in their efforts to bring awareness of abuse in BDSM relationships.

If you are experiencing a domestic violence emergency please call 911.

If you need help or assistance with domestic violence please call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at:

1-800-799-SAFE         or       1-800-787-3224 TTY

Stay safe, protect yourself and get out. You do not need to stay in an abusive relationship; especially with children.

photo credit pangalactic gargleblaster

Caring for Yourself After a Scene: Self-Aftercare

Aftercare is an important part of recovery from play for many people. It is most common to experience a drop in emotions and energy after play from within hours to even days later. All too often it becomes a necessity to take care of yourself after a play session because your top was just visiting or the play party is over. Even after a few days you may need to carry out some aftercare. Knowing what to do can prevent physical and emotional struggles.

Physically it may seem obvious that you have marks; bruising, cuts, sore muscles, etc that need continued first aid. If you haven’t taken first aid training, you should have a basic medical primer at home. I have one that is a Home Medical Care Manual given to my by my father. It’s come in handy for diagnosing general illnesses and in deciding if a visit to the doctor was necessary.

First Aid for Marks

Knowing basic first aid for bruises, cuts and abrasions is important to caring for your skin and muscle tissues after intense play. There are many schools of thought on bruise care but the best I’ve heard about is Arnica cream sold in the pharmacy area. Cool compresses will help cut down swelling. Treat cuts and abrasions with anti-bacterial and bandages. Scar reduction cremes may also be helpful if you are afraid of marks lasting longer than you’d like.

What is Sub Drop?

Sub Drop is when the endorphins you experienced during play suddenly leave your body and it goes into withdrawals. This can be described as similar to drug addiction recovery. Your body goes through a crash period and is personal to each person. From crying and uncontrollable emotional outbursts, to sadness, depression and anxiety. You could also experience moments of guilt or doubt about your play session and what you enjoyed. Drop can come at your within hours or even days later. It is typically more common with submissives in long term or committed relationships than with casual partners.

Guarding Against Sub Drop

Another issue is the emotional and psychological trauma you may have experienced during play. This can catch up with you shortly after play to days later when you least expect it. To guard against it, drink water before, during and after play. Make sure you do not play while hungry or even slightly ill. Listen to your body and if it’s giving you signs to stop, you should. The only limits you should try to break are emotional and non-physical ones. Your body tells you things for a reason; listen! Drink something with simple sugars after play. Orange juice works wonders.

Creating a Drop Kit

A drop kit can be helpful for Dominants and submissives that experience moderate to severe drop after play sessions. Drop can be associated with feelings of loneliness, mental and physical exhaustion, confusion, insecurity, tremors and many other physical symptoms. It is important to take care of yourself during times of drop. This kit will put all the things necessary at your fingertips.

This is by no means an exhaustive list, please feel free to add your own personal selections.

• Warm blanket
• First Aid Kit
• First Aid Manual
• Bath salts
• Bubble bath
• Scented candles
• Incense
• Favorite book
• Prepaid calling card
• Hard candy
• Favorite beverages
• Lotion
• Journal
• Relaxing music
• Letter from your partner
• Stuffed animals
• Coloring books/crayons
• Gift card to favorite restaurant
• Vitamin E
• Favorite movie

Do you have any personal items you’d add to your own Drop Kit?

photo credit Meredith_Farme