Review: The Surrendered Wife

This month I dived into a book full of controversy with its approach to living intimately with your husband (or partner). I read The Surrendered Wife by Laura Doyle. I didn’t read it to find the reason for the argument between feminists and the author of the book’s ideas. I read it to see what a submissive could gain from its pages.

In this quest I found a part of me that was glaringly obvious as a poor trait in submissives in general and one that I’d have to let go of it I wanted to try anything that was suggested in the best-selling self help book for women seeking intimacy and peace with a man. Master says that I started acting weird when I was reading the book so either he was sensing my shift or I just wasn’t doing it right. Most likely because I was trying to overthink the suggestions in the book.

This book is written, of course, with husband and wife being key, but I think it would work for any gender mix as long as there is a relationship established and the person reading it is ready to make changes.  Reading some of the mixed reviews I can see that a majority of the reviews I read feel that the book solidifies women into very feminine and vulnerable roles that the feminist movement was trying to break the molds of. Unlike other books emphasizing the 1950’s traditions of a man centered household, this book defines the genders and not the tasks they are ’supposed’ to be performing.

In context to submission, I think that this would be a good starter book for anyone who is coming out of a vanilla relationship or preparing to enter a D/s one when they haven’t been in one before. The Surrendered Wife will help you recognize and correct habits that may have been comfortable in your previous relationships but won’t work for a D/s style one.

The book is great in it’s ability to recognize inappropriate control situations and the ideas of how to release that control are spot on. The steps to surrendering that she explains are being respectful, receiving graciously, relinquishing control, being open for sex, expressing gratitude and practicing good self-care. I especially like how she recommends we say, “ouch’ when your partner says something to hurt you instead of taking the bait and biting them back.

Not all of the suggestions would work towards a D/s relationship, but as with everything you read it’s best to take what you can and leave the rest. A book can only be as good as what you get out of it, so for that reason I’d have to give it a relatively low rating in comparison to D/s oriented books as far as helpfulness is concerned.

However, if you are like me, and had a vanilla relationship (in my case a 5 year marriage) it might help to reaffirm your femininity and find that surrendered self that very well could be the key to opening your heart to the submission you wish to give to someone else.

Product Details

• luna’s Rating: 6/10
• Paperback: 285 pages
• Publisher: Fireside (January 8, 2001)
• Language: English
• ISBN-10: 0743204441
• ISBN-13: 978-0743204446

Interested in seeing for yourself? Buy The Surrendered Wife from Amazon.com for under $11! (Price at time of post)

5 Ways to Express Your Gratitude to Your Dominant

With Thanksgiving (USA) just around the corner I thought it would be fitting to write about gratitude, and how to express your gratitude to the one you serve. Sure you can say thank you. That’s standard. I really hope you take every opportunity to say thank  you, but what if you want a few more creative ways to show how appreciative you are to your Dominant?

Being thankful can take on many forms, and each time we feel that sensation of gratitude well up we can use a different display of appreciation. For example, thanking your Dominant for giving you an orgasm will be treated differently than if you are grateful that hold the power in your life. Orgasm gratitude is usually expressed immediately after while you may take awhile to express your feelings for the later.

Take a moment and come up with some things you are grateful in your life that you may not have had before you were in a relationship with your Dominant. How important are they to your development and your overall happiness? When was the last time you showed your appreciation for these things? Is it about time you did?

So, what ideas do you have for expressing yourself? They can be simple or elaborate, as long as they are your own. Make it honest and full of your service.

Offer

The first idea is to offer a service that you don’t normally do. It can be anything. Give a massage, bathe their feet, sexual service that you don’t pine after (for me that’s analingus). Be a foot stool, be their tax preparer. Anything that would just make their day and surprises them would fit the bill. Just remember to make it a part of yourself. Offering to pay for them to attend a salon is not the same thing, as offering yourself for a day of pampering.

Create

This idea isn’t about making something, but setting a mood. If you know your Dominant is going to coming home from a stressful day, it would be as simple as soft lights and maybe candles to help them relax and shed the outside world. Making sure the home is picked up and inviting can bring a lot of emotion attached to it. It not only shows that you care for the household possessions, but also how it makes people feel when they enter.

You can also create an atmosphere appropriate for whatever may be planned. If play is on the menu, then neatly prepare your play space. If dinner is the order of the day, setting the table as if you are in a fine restaurant can show your appreciation for a number of things.

Do

Take an idea from online for a ritual that you don’t do. Perhaps it can be kneeling and then lowering your face cheek to cheek to the floor in submission or kneeling when you bring their drink. Adding that bit of focused attention is a pleasant surprise to a Dominant and shows them that you care for how you present your submission. There is any number of things you can do in this vein. From a specific way you adopt to disrobe, to how you reply to requests in a set format. It’s not just up to the Dominant to add ritual and intensity to the relationship. Volunteering these simple steps will tell them that you thank them for the opportunity to serve them.

Make

Sure it’s quite easy to go to the store and purchase something for them, but when was the last time you made something for them? You don’t have to learn anything or have specific skills. Make a special dinner or dessert, write a card or poem, put together a photo album or mosaic. Something homemade has more meaning than a purchased item.

Coming up next week I’ll share ideas of what to give a Dominant, until then use your imagination!

Rededicate

Ultimately, this should only be done if you are really ready to deepen your relationship or there has been a lapse in the dynamic that you wish to try to repair. Again, the ritual that this involves can be simple to elaborate so let your mind develop what would work for you. Even just setting aside time to talk about how you wish to submit and offering that over voluntarily expresses how you love the relationship and what they do for you. Again, you don’t have to wait for the Dominant to tell you to create a ritual or process for doing something. I’ve gained so many rituals just by starting it and having him say he really likes it.

If you have gotten lazy in your rules, start really digging in and doing them before you get in trouble. Don’t let their distraction sway you. You want to serve, that’s why you are in this relationship so serve. Your submission just might deepen their Dominance and the rededication can you an exchange, just as it should be.

Lastly, remember to say thank you when you do these things. Make it about them. We take too much for granted anymore. Don’t let your relationship become one of those things. Relationships build because we work at them, show how much you appreciate everything they do and you will also reap the rewards.

How do you show your gratitude to your Dominant?

photo by FernR

A Great Example of a Slave’s Rosary

On FetLife quite awhile back now, a slave posted her version of a rosary with her Master as the focus. As with any rosary or prayer beads, it is used in mediation and presents a spirituality in service that can be adopted and adapted to fit your relationship.

I’ve always had a curiosity with religious artifacts and items used by the believers. I’ve even made and had blessed a set of rosary beads for a friend of mine. They were very special for me to make, and I will most likely do it again for someone new.

The following is a rosary, set up in the same format as the Catholic Rosary to be said during times of mediation for a slave. You can change the prayers any way you’d like or reorganize them. I would love to know if you have your own submissive Rosary and could share that in the comments!

For those not familiar, a typical Rosary consists of an emblem, three beads leading up to a medallion, and then five sets each of ten beads separated by a single bead.

The Order of Prayers

written by Syr_David’s ~melly

Begin at the emblem (1) then the single bead (2) then the three beads (3) then (4) and then the single bead (5) skip the medallion and start on the decades (set of ten beads) (6) after each of those, say (7) and then on the single bead, (8) . Repeat for each decade. At the end, (the medallion) you can say the slaves prayer again, or whatever mantra you wish to end with.

1. I say a portion of my oath of fealty here. You can repeat the “Slave’s Prayer“, or whatever is pertinent to you (original was the Apostle’s Creed).
2. Say the “Master, owner of my body“.
3. Say three “I am your slave“.
4. Say the “In gratitude“.
5. Announce (or think) the principle of your service that you will be concentrating on, and say the “Owner of my body“.
6. Say ten “I am your slave” while considering and concentrating on the principle or idea you have.
7. Say the “In gratitude“.
8. Say the principle you are meditating on, and say the “Master, owner of my body“.

The Prayers

Slave’s Prayer – adapted from A Submissive’s Prayer

Allow me the Serenity to serve Him in peace

Allow me the Love to show Him myself

Allow me the Tenderness to comfort Him

Allow me the Light to show us the way

Allow me the Wisdom to be an asset to Him

Let me be able to show Him each day my love of service to Him

Let me open myself up to completely belong to Him

Let me accept my punishments with grace

Let me learn to please Him beyond myself

Grant me the power to give myself to Him completely

Give me the strength to please us both

Permit me to love myself in loving Him

Return to Prayer Order

Master, owner of my body

Master, owner of my body and director of my will, you are with me. I am thankful that I serve you. Let me be transparent as glass, that my heart may be visible always, for my entire self, even unto the workings of my mind, are yours. Master, I honor you with my service and submit to you with my thoughts, words, and deeds, so that I may be a reflection of your will, and the manifestation of your desires.

Return to Prayer Order

I am your slave

Master, I am your slave and your property. I will work and I will sacrifice that I may reflect your intentions, and make of myself a window to the soul you own. Use me Master, as you see fit, that I may learn to serve and to submit to you in all things.

Return to Prayer Order

In Gratitude

In gratitude I serve, and in thankfulness I submit, and in peace I honor my Master with my trust.

Return to Prayer Order

photo by Muffet