First Meetings Done Safely

This week’s video post is on First Meetings Safety.

When you are ready to meet your dream Dominant for the first time, what goes through your mind? Do you think about safety at all or do the nervousness and excitment overload your common sense?

You may not think that safety is necessary for someone you’ve been talking to for x number of hours, days, months, years but the person you meet could be very different than what is portrayed and you may not be compatible. How do you get out of the meeting safely and how do you protect yourself?

I encourage first meetings for any relationship to grow and develop. It’s similar to a blind date, right? Normally someone else knows you are on that date and where you are going. Then they usually call you shortly after you get home to see how it went. This is commonplace in vanilla dating. Don’t forget that the start of a D/s relationship starts with dating!

Be Prepared

It is the boy scouts moto for a reason; always know what you are getting into and have everything prepared, even if you may never use it or need it. For first dates, make sure you have basic information about the Dominant you are meeting. What color and make their car is, their license plate if they will give it to you (and why wouldn’t they?), their name and phone number, address and other important information you have collected. Leave this information at home in plain sight and with your safe call (more on safe calls below). If something were to happen to you, then the authorities would have somewhere to start.

Of course no one wants something to happen, but it is better to be prepared and never have to use it than to disappear and leave no trace of you behind, right? It’s about common sense and personal safety; pure and simple.

Meet in Public

When you set up a first meeting make sure it’s in a public place. You don’t want someone coming to pick you up or meeting them at their private residence. I know being picked up could be romantic, but save it for future dates, this one is all about getting to know someone better.

Being in public gives you some security and having your own transportation means that if things go south you have a way home and aren’t relying on someone else. Besides, public places generally have better food choices, beverages to enjoy and a conversational atmosphere. That’s what gives first dates a good or bad vibe.

Set Up a Safe Call

A safe call is much like that friend who knows you are out on a blind date. You give them all the information you have collected on the person and then set up a call for a set time. Depending on your comfort level with the Dominant this call could happen during the date or immediately after it is supposed to end. Anyone can be a safe call person as long as they are available to call you or receive calls during the date. Many local munch groups have a safe call network in place.

This call is just a check in call. You can treat it any way you want. Some people have a code that they only answer yes or no questions and that gives the person on the other end a clue as to how things are doing and if you are in any danger. Others have specific phrases they use to clue the caller in to what is going on. You don’t have to be so cryptic if you don’t want to. It’s completely up to you.

A respectful Dominant should allow you to answer your phone during a first meeting. Those that don’t should be warning to you and you should try to find a way out of the date. I know some Dominants that insist you have a safe call in place before meeting them, just to give you some sense of security in a tense situation. Never turn down the request for a safe call.

Do Not Play

Unless you want to develop a reputation for recklessness abandon, then do not play on the first date! Get to know the person better face to face, see if there is chemistry there and then you can schedule play dates. If you feel you are being pressured to play, call your safe call and/or leave. You should not have to get intimate with someone you have only talked to online or by phone.

Listen to Your Gut

Most of the time your gut is right. If you feel things aren’t going well, get out. If you feel uncomfortable or pressured into doing something you don’t want to, then get out. Listen to your inner voice.

Finally, enjoy yourself. All of these things I’ve listed above should be autopilot for awhile. You can still have great first meetings and have these things in place but never really think of them.

Identifying Fake Dominants and Posers

This week’s video tip is on Red Flags of Fake Dominants.

The question I was asked today is, “How do you identify fake Dominants and what are some red flags to be watchful of?”

First, what is a fake Dominant? A fake Dominant is someone who is just out for sex, fantasy and an easy lay. Fake Dominants may also be predators. Most of the time you will be dealing with the fakers, so that’s what this video is all about.

We now have online and real time versions of Dominants. I’m going to blend the two, because with this day and age it is likely that you meet someone online and move to real life.

The most obvious fake Dominant will only want to skip to the sex. They may start their conversation out sweetly enough, but it will soon become sexual oriented. Cyber sex may be suggested or you will be pushed to play on the first date or well before you’d be ready to. They don’t get to know you for who you are first. These are the booty chasers.

There are the Dominants that exaggerate their experience level. I personally don’t care what someone says but unless they can prove it a 25 year old dominant does not have 10 years of experience unless they are counting masturbation fantasies. You can’t judge experience by a number. I can say I have 5 years experience, but if part of that I was ‘on a break’ or not in a relationship, that’s not experience.

Fake Dominants will also try to Dom you without a relationship being present. This could be dictating what you are to wear for first meetings, when you are to be available online to chat, etc. Setting up rules and trying to make you do them before it is agreed upon is a huge red flag.

Some Dominants I’ve been introduced to online say they have a lot of references and can list names, but when I ask for phone numbers or email addresses, they appear to not have them. References are meant to be useful. If they can’t give you contact information so that you can check them out, that’s a huge red flag. Honest Dominants will not only give them to you, but be happy that you check them out.

Fake Dominants may also try to get you to not meet them in public. Oh, just come to the house we can get to know each other in private then. Yeah, right. Don’t meet anyone you don’t know in a private location! Set up your safe call, if the Dominant refuses to let you check in, leave immediately!

Another red flag to be cautious of is if they want to get to know you, you are on good terms and they won’t share their phone number, where they live, etc but they expect you to. Also, if you are only able to call between narrow time frames. This is a red flag of not only fake Dominants but also cheaters! Another clue of cheaters is disappearing online without warning and doing it frequently. I call this wife-watch. They bail so that the wifey doesn’t see what they are doing.

The last one I’m going to cover today is a Dominant requesting or forcing you to change something before you’ve agreed to a relationship. This could be along the lines of changing your hair because they don’t like it, losing weight, or breaking up with friends because they are ‘bad influences’. No one should make you change. A good Dominant will like you for who you are when getting to know you. There is no reason you should try to fit someone’s mold.

Fake Dominants are everywhere and have many tricks up their sleeve. I’m sure I’ve even scratched the surface of what things they can do to try to get you to believe in them and open up. Stay safe, use your common sense and if it feels wrong it probably is.

Do you have red flags that I missed here? Please add them to the comments!

Do You Need the “Luck o’ the Irish” to Meet that Perfect Dominant?

Looking for your partner is challenging, no doubt about it. You’ve probably done the bar scene, the alternative adult dating sites, and maybe a few of the vanilla ones too. No matter where you look you find men or women that just aren’t your type. I’m here to say that it is possible to find someone that’s right for you. Now you may not need any lucky charms to find that perfect person, but you do need a few things to make sure your search for a Dominant doesn’t go awry.

Finding your One isn’t easy and your longing to finally use your submission with someone that understands and values it can be overpowering. I’ve been so desperate that I overlooked some very important safety aspects of meeting someone new. Hopefully you won’t make the same mistakes I did. This has to do with first dates and first meetings, so if you were looking for some tips on how to find someone, unfortunately that’s the pot of gold on the other side of the rainbow (no that doesn’t mean you will never reach it, just another play on words).

Information

Get some personal information before agreeing to meet them. Get their full name, a phone number, the type of car they drive, whatever they will offer. Write this information down and put it in plain site. This is for personal security if the trust you have established fails and they do you harm.

Safe Call

Safe calls are vital in situations where you are meeting someone that no one you know can vouch for. If this is a blind date, set one up. Let a friend know where you will be and set up times to call in or have them call you to check up and see how things are going. This provides two things; a security blanket if safety is compromised and a way out if you don’t think you two have anything in common.

Other Do’s and Don’ts

• Don’t play on the first date.
• Don’t invite them back to your place or go to theirs, keep it public.
• Don’t allow them to set up rules you have to follow. This isn’t an agreed upon relationship… yet.
• Do keep it casual and enjoy yourself.
• Do find out more about them. It is a date first, D/s potential second.
• Don’t drink. No need to be impaired on a first date.

So rub the Blarney stone, kiss an Irish person on the way otu the door and pluck that 4-leaf clover.  You may have found that diamond in the ruff.

Questions on anything covered here? Let me know.

photo credit by cygnus921