Strengths and Misconceptions of Kajira

This is another guest post by dina of kajiradreams. She continues her thoughts on Gor and the life of a kajira. You can also read her thoughts on what it’s like to be an owned kajira.

The strengths of a kajira and the misconceptions of what a kajira is and does.
And what strengths better a kajira in being her Master’s absolute and total property….

I want to make one statement before I write what was set of me.
Gor, Gorean philosophy, Gorean lifestyle is exactly that. A lifestyle that is chose by those that have a particular set of intrinsic ideals. I have no time for role-players or wannabes. it is not something that you can ‘act’. It is not a ‘role’ you can play. It has to be lived, from the heart. Also, Gor is a fictional planet within a series of fantasy novels written by John Lange under the pen name John Norman. Gorean lifestyle can be lived here on Earth, but with adaptations, compromises and understanding. Gor of the books is fiction. The underlying principles and values are real.

I feel I should start with the misconceptions surrounding a kajira, as I know so many people in my life that would look with horror and complete incomprehension of that word (that is is they knew what it meant). To outside observers Gorean philosophy appears to subjugate women, treating them as mere objects, owned, ordered about, used as mere sex objects. It also appears at first glance to be all about sex, about sex mad dumb blondes with no brains or ability to exercise their own independence or free will… with no brains to know what they want, reliant on another person. women who have no mind of their own, no thoughts or ideas. Men who want to just use females, objectify them, dehumanise them… All in all, weak minded, easily controlled people who get a kick out of being treat like a piece of meat.

Sorry to disappoint you all agreeing with that statement, but it isn’t.
The Gorean lifestyle actually allows women to be women and men to be Men. I am a woman, quite categorically female and I am a completely different creature of the human species type to Men, I am softer in nature, more emotional, curvier and more able to love unconditionally. Gor allows me to be true to my nature and to myself.

Ultimately Gor comes down to the need for control though. The need of one person to be controlled and another to take control. Gor is about finding yourself in fulfilling that need.

So what are the strengths of a kajira?
For me a kajira is a woman who is confident in her femininity, strong in her commitment and strong in spirit. As kajira I offered myself to my Master freely, of my own free will and in that I chose to give my own will into his care. I am obedient, not because I have to, but because I choose to be. I know I can be forced into obedience by my Master, but that would not be pleasing. My first priority is to be pleasing to my Master and within that I choose to willingly do whatever he asks in order to meet his desires. In doing so I gain pleasure. A kajira is expected to give herself over entirely to her Master, heart, mind, body and spirit and under his guidance learn what is expected of her. I find as I learn more and more what is expected of me, I give more and more of myself. It is without doubt a difficult process and fears surface each time a limit is pushed or a change is realised, but it is a very worthwhile journey and not everything is painful. A Master does not walk this path out of cruelty or a desire to inflict pain, or a desire to have a kajira who will blindly do his bidding… I mean, how many people really want to spend time with a mindless robot? I don’t walk this path as kajira out of fear either, but because I want to. I want to please my Master, in every and any way I can. I want to meet his expectations of me, I want him to be proud of who and what I am, and what I freely give to him out of love and trust and submission. I need to remember, internalize that thought and trust that what my Master demands of me is for my own good.

It has been said that a kajira has no responsibilities or thoughts of her own, that the master holds all the responsibilities. All I can say to that is get real! have you ever actually thought about what it really means to be pleasing to a Master at all times? I am by no means expert, but even I know It certainly is not easy and neither is it meant to be. I find my master makes me look into myself, recognize and accept my beauty, speak my ideas, thoughts, dreams, fantasies and aspirations and be loved just for being myself. It is a hard thing to do.. to accept yourself and realize that you are loved just for being that person, the dark side of your nature just as much as the light. It takes an inordinate amount of strength, but in doing so I see that no matter what, my love for him is returned 10 fold and I am forced to feel it; I feel my life is safe from harm, that my Master protects me and shields me from all that is wrong in the world, whether that be other peoples actions, intent or malice. This strong, dominant, honourable man who consciously and purposefully demands every intimate feeling and thought I have. The desire and need that creates within me is overwhelming, the need to turn over my most basic human rights and trust totally and completely in one Man and his decisions. In a previous post I made reference to IE. IE for those that do not know, stands for Internal Enslavement. If you want to know what that is, look it up. I am not going to explain it here.

The strengths of a kajira for me is to allow this to happen. To have the strength to give that level of control over to another, to trust that they will act accordingly in the best interests of both themselves and their property. The strength to look into yourself and accept everything that is there, good and bad. The strength to change aspects of yourself in order to please another. The strength to place everything you have ever accepted as intrinsic to who you are, to one side as you learn. To relearn who you are and your place in life and in society. The strength to consciously choose a path whereby another will exercise the process of IE within you, knowing full well that as you walk that path you consciously and freely chose the end result, the result whereby you are psychologically bound to your Master in such a way you are mentally no longer able to exercise free will.

I am uncomfortable admitting it within myself, but I am a strong person. It keeps being pointed out to me and demonstrated quite clearly, but I feel uncomfortable accepting it when I find myself turning into everything I have previously detested. but I am strong. I will make those changes for my Master, not just because he demands it of me, but because I need to. It takes great strength to be completely 100% honest with another, especially when it is regarding things you are ashamed of or things that have upset you in the past, but I do it. I do so because I trust my Master to guide me and teach me how to please him better. One that sticks out quite sharply for me as a strength is the ability to trust in his judgment. I need to explain this one a bit better.

I am not a mindless robot. I am fiery, I am passionate, I am ruled by strong deep-seated emotions, I am intelligent, I have ideas, thoughts, concerns, issues, fantasies, wants and needs. It is instinctual when someone demands an action for me to question. sometimes there will be quite strong fears or concerns regarding this. Being kajira does not mean that I give my Master blind obedience; being kajira means that there is a time and a place for everything. That I must trust my Master to allow me to express those fears and concerns, that I must trust him to help me work through them so they are no longer barriers. That I must trust my Master to be acting in both his and my best interests. and that at the end of it all, regardless of how strongly opposed my own feelings may or may not be, I have the strength to say the words which are the right of every kajirae. “Yes Master”.

Another key strength for me is being able to let go, lose myself as I fall down this rabbit hole in the knowledge that my Master will always be there when I fail, and I will fail for I am human but he will be there allowing me to pick myself up, evaluate what went wrong and continue the journey, knowing that as I lose myself, I also find myself.

Two final points to make, I know I have rambled on here quite a bit and I have repeated myself a lot… I am not going to edit it though as I feel it will detract from showing my Master my thought process.

1. I have an ever growing, innate need to be pleasing to my Master. I cannot switch that off. It eats inside me, demanding to be fed and to feed it means giving everything I am over to the hands of another; becoming bound to them in a way that there is no retreat, no escape route, no leniency. This is a very frightening concept and process, but just because it is ’scary’ does not mean I will back away from it. I always have enjoyed a good fight and I know within myself I have that strength to move through those fears and become everything I can be and more.
2. “If you resent being polished how can you become a mirror”. Within the need to be pleasing to my Master, there is a further desire to be a reflection of him, his ideals, his standards, his integrity, honesty, confidence, strength of character, dedication and commitment. I desire for my Master to see within me what I see in him. He makes me so happy and content and complete. I want to give him everything he desires and more besides. I have to. I have to in order to be true to myself.

Done. Finito!

Photo by Strength ~vs~ Weakness

Tasks While Your Dominant is Away

This guest post is by Alpine from Alpine Dreams.

A bit of a background story. My partner and I don’t live together.  We are both Poly, have other relationships and numerous obligations. Staying connected and in a D/s mindframe can be difficult since he does go away sometimes and we can’t always be together on our usual bi-weekly days.

Since, we’ve decided to explore D/s in more depth, the time away can be more difficult. He has recently been giving me tasks to do when he is away.  They have been ranging in tasks such as wearing my smart balls to work, putting clothespins on myself or locking myself up with handcuffs for a certain amount of time. We’ve only started doing these tasks in the past month and I’m sure there will be many more coming.

I think it’s an important way for us to stay connected and enforce that part of our relationship. It takes a bit of pre-planning on their part but the rewards are worth it. For every task, I am to document my time, my thoughts and take photos (if possible). He sends them to me with the date and time that I can open it.

It makes the time away easier and allows us to stay connected, it’s not close to the same thing but it helps when we are separated. I think it’s a great way for anyone in an D/s relationship to stay connected whether it’s a long distance relationship or even if your partner is away for a day.

Question

What do you think of giving or receiving  fun, re-enforcing, controlling submissive tasks to do? I’m curious on what other people do when their partner is away and what rituals have you incorporate to help when you are apart.

photo by Linds :)

Alpine is a kinky, fun loving, poly female in Western Canada. She is a professional submissive and works independently in the Vancouver area. You can find her blog at Alpine Dreams.

Are you interested in guest blogging at Submissive Guide? Contact me at subguide@gmail.com today!

A Switch of the D/s Lifestyle

This is another guest post by Christian, a switch male in a D/s relationship.

(If you would like to submit a guest post to Submissive Guide, please read the guidelines before contacting me, thanks!)

It seems there is a lot of interest in switches on the Internet, and being a switch myself I can speak on that a fair amount. But allow me to say I am only one switch in a world of switches. Switches are completely different the world around. So what I say here will certainly not apply to other switches.

When I was introduced to this lifestyle officially by the local D/s group where I live I was told there were “dominants” and “submissives”. That was it. Nothing about switches. Later on once I learned a few things and met some other people in the group I learned there was also something called “switches” and what that meant to be a switch. I immediately knew that was me.

Like most people in this life growing up was incredibly difficult dealing with my strange thoughts. One moment I was thinking about making a girl do things for me, and the next in my thoughts I was being ordered to do them for her. It was confusing to have these conflicting thoughts and going from one extreme to the other in a matter of moments did not help.

When I was finally more aware of the community, there was a lot of negative attitudes toward switches. It was thought they had no clear idea about if they wanted to be, submissive or dominant. And “Why can’t they make up their mind?” sort of an attitude. There is still quite a negative stigma about this and no one in my local group of D/s people will admit to being a switch (including me). Hopefully my online personae is never realized by anyone locally. I am not sure if this is just a local thing or if it extends worldwide? I would like to hear from other people on different parts of this world to know…

To be sure there is only one side of my switchiness at a time. I am either submissive or dominant. Never both at the same time! That is just me and maybe some others will feel different?

To clarify my own thoughts on the different variety of switches, here is how I see it. First there are the D/s only switches. These switches either don’t include BDSM in their lives, or are only dominant or submissive in the bedroom. Then there are the BDSM switches which are just the opposite of what I just described. Then there are the D/s and BDSM switches (I am sorry I can’t think of another way to describe this. Perhaps someone may enlighten me if there is some “official” way to describe the switch varieties). This last variety is me, however my owner does not allow switching in D/s for me. This is a big sacrifice for a switch believe me.

Something I get asked at times is how the actual “switch” (the verb, not the noun) occurs and what that feels like. Well the switch happens one of two ways for me. Again I am only one switch. Others experiences will vary. But the switch happens either with a sudden rapidness that really can take ones breath away! Or it happens gradually over a
period of time. Most of the time it occurs for me in a gradual way and this is for certain preferable for a number of reasons, not the least of which is it makes it easier for my owner to recognize. This is also preferable as the sudden changes are enough to give one “mental whiplash” at times! As for what it feels like, it is strictly a mental process. It is just one moment I am my usual submissive self, and the next I am thinking about how good it would be to have a submissive at my whim.

When my owner or me recognizes I am “switched” it is often an inconvenience for both of us. For her it is like she is denied use of me for the moment (as I am no longer submissive). For me it is a big inconvenience as well since it is a break in my level of service that is intolerable (because it is intolerable to her).  Like I said I am not allowed switching in D/s. But at such times I have to relieve it in some way or things get worse. This is where my wife’s live-in female submissive comes in handy. At one time before she had her, my wife filled the role of submissive to me in BDSM only. I applaud her efforts but as one who is strictly dominant it was hard for her to be
that way. Just like with me as a switch.. There are just times that I am completely NOT submissive (when “switched” specifically). That is a large portion of the reason for the acquisition of this other submissive along with the fact that my owner just wished for a female submissive anyway.

My thoughts are a switch actually does not make the ideal full-time submissive. This is not a case of self-pity or something like that. It is just fact. If you are even remotely like me (a switch of the ways) than you will never be 100% of the time at service. You will have to spend a small portion of the time “switched” to the dominant side, and inconvenience your owner like me. It is disappointing but it is something I am used to and so is my owner. It is a heart-wrenching experience when one would just as soon be at service all the time if possible. Something I should be clear on is when I switch I don’t think about how unsatisfactory it is with my owner. The only thing I
am thinking about is having one at my feet. At my will. There are no thoughts about service. Or pleasing my owner at all. That is awash with my newfound dominance. The submissive me is completely wiped from the slate only to return once I have that side of me satisfied (or it just fades after a really long while). So at the time it is not heart wrenching as I say. Only afterwards when the fire is gone and I am back to “me” that I feel disappointed.

Sometimes I get asked what percentage submissive or dominant I am. This is a strange and confusing question for me and impossible to answer. When I switch I am 100% dominant. And the other way I am 100% submissive. Not one bit the other way, and never will be. This is actually a bit of a sensitive subject since my switchability is so hard to explain anyway. Those that are fully submissive or fully dominant (I envy you by the way) have a hard time wrapping their heads about the mindset of a switch. I don’t blame you, as often I am as perplexed as you! But this is the best way I can describe such things and if it is still unclear then I am not doing well at explaining a thing that at times is very complex. It is no easy task by any means.

I welcome any questions either through this site or in private and will answer them the best I know how.

Regards,
Christian

P.S. Yes I know I used a few words like “switchiness” and “switchability” that are in fact not words in the English language, but that is the best words I could use to say those things.

I am a switch male of the D/s lifestyle for the past 14 years. I was introduced to the lifestyle and the society that at that time was extremely underground at 18 years of age.  I was raised (unbeknownst to me until just recently) in a D/s household as well. In addition my grandparents also were of the lifestyle. I am currently collared to my owner of 10 years who is bi-sexual and also has another female submissive. You can contact me at christian0539@gmail.com

photo by Redvers

Living with Kids While in the D/s Lifestyle

This is a guest post by Christian. He  is a switch male of the D/s lifestyle for the past 14 years.

For my first post here I am going to write about something I get asked a fair bit. How does one raise kids in a D/s household? As one with several kids I thought I should talk just a moment on this. It does interest me how others deal with this so I would like to know how others feel as well.

My own history of being raised in a D/s household (unbeknownst to me) my entire life also puts me in a unique position to speak on this as well. It is obvious to me now how my folks are and the thought had crossed my mind once I became aware there was a whole underground community at the age of 18. But until it was stated clearly I would have never known for sure.

In most ways my owner and I approach this thing very much as my parents did. They did as much as possible to shield me from their unique lifestyle as do we. And just like they did I imagine there will be a day when I (or my owner) will have an honest open conversation about such things. I want them to know there is a lifestyle that exists like this, and make their own decisions about what to do with that knowledge. Unlike my mother though, I will try to tell them at some point in their life when it will be helpful to them if they need that. I suspect one or two of them may be exactly like us. As an adolescent I struggled with my strange thoughts and feelings. It never even occurred to me there were others like me. And it was happening right in my own home! It would have been some helpful knowledge at that time.

But for now it is my priority as a parent to not spoil their innocence in any way. It is a precious thing and my children are a far higher priority then this life I lead. Don’t misunderstand, we are very serious about our lifestyle, and it does not take a break ever. But when it comes to my children they just don’t need to know about this thing right now.

It must be ridiculously obvious to my children who “wears the pants” in the family. But they think only that. I don’t address my owner with things like “mistress” or even call her my “owner” with the children about. We do have ways of communicating that are our secret way when they are about. We have code words for different things that mean one thing to an uninvolved bystander but a completely other thing to us.

There are obvious and subtle ways that one can serve without making ones submission obvious. You are just simply fulfilling the things that need to be done about the house. Like making breakfast, picking up the kids from school, doing the grocery shopping, and a thousand other mundane tasks your owner may not particularly enjoy. While those of us who enjoy service will be very happy to do those things.

Now BDSM play is a whole other matter entirely of course. I know this sort of thing is probably not an option for a lot of people, but this is one reason we hired a nanny for the kids. She manages to keep them busy and away from the house on activities quite often. And even our teenager enjoys going out with them from time to time, but being a teenager she also has her own life and priorities at the moment, and most times that does not involve hanging around her boring parents. Most of the time she goes out with her girlfriend and they are gone for as long as we allow her.

There are numerous things in BDSM that one can do to be discreet while living with children. Wax play, needles, bondage on its own is quiet of course, and if you want to do the spanking thing there are numerous implements that are themselves silent. Now keeping a sub quiet is another matter entirely but that is where a good ball gag comes in handy. There is also something called figging, which by a quick look around the Internet I see has become quite popular.

So having kids can be a challenge in this lifestyle but I do recommend being honest with them at some point in their life. They deserve to come to this knowledge just as much as other things in this life. What they choose to do with said knowledge should be up to them. Try not to be disappointed when they choose one way or the other too. Remember they are doing that because it makes them happy. You will have to trust them that they (or their owner) will keep themselves safe.

These are just some of my varied thoughts on this. I hope to hear from others on their opinions. Thank you.

Christian is a switch male of the D/s lifestyle for the past 14 years. He was introduced to the lifestyle and the society that at that time was extremely underground at 18 years of age.  He was raised (unbeknownst to him until just recently) in a D/s household as well. In addition his grandparents also were of the lifestyle. Christian am currently collared to his owner of 10 years who is bi-sexual and also has another female submissive. You can contact him at christian0539@gmail.com

5 Ways to Bring Out Your Dominance In Bed

This may seem like a really odd topic to be posting in a submissive blog, but there is reason. I’ve had a question recently from a submissive woman who has been asked on occasion to be assertive and dominant in bed by her Dominant. She says she can’t connect with that because she is submissive and has difficulty being assertive in the bedroom. I can understand where she is coming from with this, and I’m certain that you do as well. 

The idea behind this post is to give you ways to be assertive without compromising your submission and making the struggle to reclaim that mindset even harder than it is. Below are five ways you can show control in the bedroom without giving up your submission. 

1. Don’t Ask, Just Do It

You may be trained to ask to do things to pleasure your Dominant. That’s well and good for the submissive, but not what they are looking for when they ask you to take the reigns. Think about what you want to do to pleasure them and then just do it. Don’t hesitate, enjoy your freedom to do what you want to them. If you want to kiss and suck their nipples, then do it. 

If you can’t get past asking for it, try wording it differently. Instead of saying, “May I lick your nipples, Sir,” try saying, “I’m going to lick your nipples, Sir.” Give your control a play by play. Let them know what you are doing and you could even tell them why. 

2. Be Secretive

Pretend that your control of the situation is for you to know and them to find out. If they ask, playfully touch your finger to their lips and tell them to ’shhh’. It can give you time to know what you are going to do next and will bring mystery to the moment for them. It leaves them completely in the dark; thus, not in control.  Keep the tension high, but don’t leave them guessing for too long. Take action, be a mystery man/woman.

3. Connect With Your Pleasure

This could be a perfect opportunity for you to try something that you have been fantasizing about but not tried. You could role play something that would turn you on, try a toy that you want to use on them or simply tease them like they do to you. (Don’t take this as revenge, make it fun and sexy.)

4. Take the Position of Power

During sex, use a position that leaves them helpless to get what they want. If your Dominant is a man, use the female superior and pin them down. For women, you can hold them face down into the bed. Be creative. If they are normally standing up when you give them oral sex, make them lay down. Change things up from the way they are when they are in control. 

5. Enjoy It!

This may seem like a no-brainer, but when you are told to take control and ‘not be submissive’ then sometimes you can be too serious. It’s supposed to be fun. The roles aren’t necessarily reversed; use it as a way to express what you love about sex and their pleasure.

Free your mind to think that what you are doing to and for them is a celebration of your submission. You are serving them by being assertive.

Do you have ideas on how to be more assertive in bed? Let me know!

photo by Ende

The Truth About Orgasm Control and Denial

The idea of orgasm control or denial strikes fear in novice submissives. “What do you mean give over my ability to orgasm whenever I want?” Sure you could think of it that way, but in terms of your submission it could mean so much more. Let me start with the basic definitions.

Orgasm Control: When a Dominant takes over the right to a submissive’s orgasms. This can be from not allowing the submissive to come without permission to requiring that all orgasms be given by the Dominant. Many other variations also exist.

Orgasm Denial: This is much like a game to some Dominants. An activity where a submissive is brought to the brink of orgasm and then denied the permission to orgasm. Many times this also means the cessation of contact. It can be done occasionally during play or be a long term modification to that submissive’s rules.

The truth is that not all Dominants enjoy controlling a submissive’s orgasms and it is more likely seen in Female Dominant relationships. I don’t know the reason for this, nor do I have any statistics but only what I’ve seen and read. My Master is more into control than denial. He likes to know when I’m nearing orgasm. It’s  a power and pleasure thing.

An interesting training option for orgasm control is Come on Command training. It’s a form of hypnotic suggestion that can and does work. Then the Dominant totally owns your orgasms because you can’t control them yourself. A trigger word, phrase or touch sets it off.

When it comes to your submission, offering over your sexuality in this way can be very humbling. An orgasm can be a lot of things to people. It can be stress relief, pleasure, connection or even just private time. Giving over your orgasms to someone else to control is part of ultimate surrender.

What are your thoughts on orgasm control? Is it something that is a part of your relationship?

photo by Driving in Heels

Recommended Reading for New Submissives

The following is a list of books that I recommend for every novice submissive. The links lead you to Amazon if you are interested in buying the books. Part of your purchase goes towards supporting this site and my efforts at continuing to bring you content on this site.

Books

Learning the Ropes: A Basic Guide to Safe and Fun S/m Lovemaking by Race Bannon. This brief volume explains how partners can explore their dominant and submissive S/M fantasies in a safe and fun manner. Negative myths are dispelled and replaced with the truth about the kind of S/M erotic play that so many adults enjoy. You’ll learn what S/M is, how to do it safely, and much, much more.

Different Loving: The World of Sexual Dominance and Submission by William Brahme and Gloria Brahme. A breakthrough in sexual literature, this work is a complete, comprehensive user-friendly guide to and tour through the world of alternative sexual lifestyles. While the topics are exotic and erotic, the authors handle each one in a sensitive, thorough, analytical, and fascinating way and manage to explain a secret world to those who might wish to visit.

Sensuous Magic 2 Ed: A Guide to S/M for Adventurous Couples by Patrick Califia. Mixing erotic vignettes with practical how-to advice and personal insight, Sensuous Magic is the author’s guide to sadomasochism for couples. For readers who harbor fantasies of erotic dominance and submission, Sensuous Magic demystifies S/M, explaining terminology and technique. Experienced players will appreciate the author’s knowledge of S/M safety and his insight into S/M psychology. Novices will be reassured by the book’s honest, frank approach. This new edition discusses myths about S/M, the psychology of bondage, communication and negotiation, techniques of pleasure and sensation (including tickling, pressure, temperature, impact play, and whipping), and sex in S/M scenes. Also included are a glossary, updated bibliography, and resource guide.

Screw the Roses, Send Me the Thorns: The Romance and Sexual Sorcery of Sadomasochism by Philip Miller and Molly Devon. Screw the Roses enthusiastically covers all the basics and even some of the not-so-basics–bondage, negotiation, sex, endorphins, dominance and submission, toys, safety, S/M community, and beyond. It’s written primarily from the point of view of male dominant/female submissive interactions, but it’s easily translatable into valuable advice for any relationship configuration. Miller and Devon’s explanations of not just the how, but also the why, of sadomasochism are honest, sexy, funny–and a must-have for anyone who wants to learn about sadism, masochism, dominance, submission, or bondage.

The Compleat Slave: Creating And Living An Erotic Dominant/submissive Lifestyle by Jack Rinella. In this highly anticipated followup to The Master’s Manual, author jack Rinella continues his in-depth exploration and discussion of Dominant/submissive relationships with his latest book, The Compleat Slave. This informative overview of the leather scene features Rinella’s guidelines, tips, and personal experiences in creating safe and sane Master/slave relationships. Whether you are a novice or an experienced Master or slave, this insightful and forthright volume will prove to be a great read and a valuable reference guide.

Do I have to Like Pain to be Submissive?

This week’s video post is about masochism and submission.

I mentioned this in the post about myths that submissive’s aren’t always masochist. I thought this topic deserved a more in depth discussion.

I’m a masochist. I get sexual pleasure from pain. That’s wired into me. I’m also submissive. It’s who I am. For me, these two things go together.

It’s not always the case. I read about submissives forcing themselves into play with Dominants because they think it comes with the role of submissive. They don’t understand that they are separate entities. Now, submitting to pain to please the Dominant is different and can bring your further into your submission the more you take from your Dominant, but it’s not required and should never be forced.

This has nothing to do with punishment. No one likes to be punished but sometimes it’s a necessary evil. This is about pleasure, pure and simple.

If you are a submissive, or learning about submission and don’t like pain or don’t think you like pain then that doesn’t mean you aren’t submissive. It just means you aren’t masochist. There are so many roads to submission that going down that one is not required. You could like service, or domestics, or even animal play. There are endless possibilities.

If you have questions about masochism please email me at subguide@gmail.com. I would be happy to answer them for you.

All Female Submissives are Bisexual and Other BDSM Myths

The world is full of false truths. These false truths tend to be the assumptions of the uninformed or the beliefs of those who want to scare novices out of their wits. Many of these are because of a narrow view of the world or an inability to accept varying viewpoints. In this post I’m going to discuss some of the most popular BDSM myths that novices here and what the truth really is.

What is a myth? A myth is a traditional story accepted as history or truth and serves to explain the world view of a people. In this case the people are BDSM practitioners. We all like to tell tales and share advice, but what if that advice has a false truth in it? Are you willing to pass on possible false information or do you want to get all the facts first before saying anything.

All Female Submissives are Bisexual

A common belief is that all submissives, and especially females are bisexual or forced into bisexuality because of the Dominant’s wishes. The truth is that respectful Dominants will comply with your sexual orientation and if it does not include being bisexual, then there should be no forced suggestion either.

All Dominants Want More Than One Submissive

Dominants are human too, and looking for a long term relationship is hard enough, let alone two or more.  There is a large percentage of Dominants that are fine with one submissive and never seek to expand their life. There are, however, people interested in polyamory and having more than one love is normal and accepted to them. You do not have to be in a polyamorous relationship if you do not want to. This is part of your wiring and either you like it or you don’t. There are also online Dominants that will have several online submissives, leading them to believe they are the one and only. These people are predators.

All Submissives are Masochists and All Masochists are Submissives

A huge misunderstanding is that you have to like pain to be submissive. Masochism is a part of your sexual identity; you either have it or you don’t. No one can make you like pain, but you can learn to accept pain for you Dominant if that is your wish. Doing so does not make you a masochist. Masochists come in all forms, the majority are submissive, however I know several Dominants that like pain as well, and instruct their submissive to give them pain during play. Switches are known to like both, but that isn’t always the case.

Slaves Are Better Submissives or Slaves Have a Deeper Submission

No group of people is better than another and no individual can be compared to another equally. We are all unique in our submission and no matter what label we choose for ourselves we can live to be the best we can be for ourselves and our Dominants. Slaves are another form of submission but that doesn’t mean they are better. I believe that all slaves are submissive but not all submissives can be slaves. It’s not a deeper submission, just a different path.

Myths are everywhere in the BDSM lifestyle. These are but a few of the most common ones. What myths can you think of?

I’m sure there will be more installments to this post as more myths come in. If you’d like to send me your common myth ideas, please do so by the contact page at the top.

Pet Play and Human Pets: A Primer

Today’s post comes from Skylerpet, a submissive pet in a D/s relationship who volunteered to write an essay for me after seeing the Weekly Tips on YouTube. Thank you Skylerpet!

Pet play is one of the most unique, one of the least known and in my opinion one of the most fun and entertaining sub-cultures in the BDSM, D/s and “kink” lifestyle. Now, I write this from the perspective of a submissive female, so please keep in mind that it can be changed around to any form you want.

Pet play involves one or more people acting as an animal with typically the submissive being the animal and the Dominant being the “Owner” and/or “Trainer.” I have heard of the Dominant being the animal and Dominating his/her submissive that way, such as holding the submissive down with a bite on the neck, but I am unfamiliar with this.

What animals are common for submissives to be? Most commonly you will see ponies, puppies and pigs. I myself have been a kitty and as of this writing am a puppy. Less frequently I have also seen bunnies, cows and once a seal, though I have no experience with these animals.

For me, one of the biggest reasons I enjoy pet play, aside from it simply being fun, is that it reinforces the Owner/owned relationship. Non-human pets are owned and completely dependent on their owner. They get fed when the owner decides and only then. Their toys and medical care is wholly dependent upon the owner remembering and doing. In a 24/7 D/s relationship this is often times also true. The slave is fed after their Owner has eaten. They wear what their Owner wishes, sleeps when and where their Owner tells them, and follows the rules their Owner dictates. So it is with non-human pets. The only difference is that your non-human pets didn’t consent. You choose them and bring them home upon your own whim. With D/s pet play, the submissive consents to be the property of their Owner. For me, being an animal, being “less than human” reinforces my Dom’s Domination of me. He is a Man and wholly human. I am a pup. His pup.

How is the animal chosen?

There are typically three ways.

• One way is the submissive acting upon his/her instincts to which animal they most identify with. If the submissive is loyal and playful perhaps they lean towards puppy. If they enjoy being led around and high protocol training perhaps it would be pony.
• One other common way for the animal to be chosen is for the Dominant to choose for the submissive. If S/He prefers a puppy to a kitty, the submissive will be molded into a puppy. As another example if the Dom is a farmer who enjoys breastfeeding from His submissive, perhaps He would like her to be a cow.
• The submissive can also switch animals from time to time if their pet play is temporary, if they simply enjoy experimentation or if they do not identify with one particular animal.

Why pet play?

• One large reason many D/s couples go into pet play is for the humiliation and dependence aspect. Restricting a submissive’s movement and vocalizations forces them to be that much more dependent on their Dom. Also, not being allowed on furniture or having to use a litter box instead of a toilet can be very humiliating for some.
• Another is because it is simply fun. It is a great psychological and emotional release to be able to come home and let loose the restrictions of humanity and what humans are “supposed to be like.” It is just plain fun to bat around a cat toy or play tricks and get treat rewards. It could also be described as a “de-stressing” process from the rigors of daily life, especially if the participants work outside the home.
• It can help with submission, as taking away some parts of the submissive’s humanity can help take away their sense of equality. It can help the submissive orient their mind to their Dom being their focus in life.
• Pet play could also be used as punishment. If the submissive misbehaves badly it could be punishment to be put out in the pig stalls with the pigs for a period of time, or whatever animal is available, and made to act like that animal as the punishment.

How does one engage in pet play?

• Restrict movement via bondage.
• Restrict verbal communication, perhaps to only certain words or animal sounds such as “woof!” or “mew!” or more child-like words such as “up!” or “potty!”.
• Training exercises such as tricks for puppies, walking on leads and leashes or for ponies pulling a cart/plow.
• Eating and drinking out of bowls without the use of hands and/or silverware.
• Learning to use a litter box instead of a toilet, or even going outside.
• Playing with toys, such as batting toys for kitties or tug-of-war toys for puppies.
• Begging in the manner of the animal you identify with, such as a puppy whining.
• Caging.
• Not being allowed on furniture without permission.

Also, safety is incredibly important!

So please keep these things in mind, and also any others that fit your lifestyle:

• When it comes to eating actual animal food, while it is okay for perhaps a short scene, it is not safe to do so on a regular basis. Humans have different nutritional needs than animals do, and it is incredibly important to get your nutritional needs met. There are many ways to simulate animal food and treats such as mashing up meatloaf with ketchup, using stews or even baking treats in the shapes of bones and such. However, for any long term play, Eukanuba, Purina and any other brand of animal food you use, are for canines and felines, not humans.
• If you choose to use training and/or shock collars, please, PLEASE read the instructions! On a personal level I am not into electric play, but it is out there. So please, be careful and safe.
• If you put your pup slave into a kennel, please keep in mind that they are very cramped. You do not want your pup slave to be damaged from being in that position for long periods of time.
• If the submissive has had their ability to move and speak restricted it is incredibly important that some form of communication is available to them so that they may communicate if something has happened and/or gone wrong, both physically and emotionally.
• Also, in my opinion having a human pet can add some responsibility to the Dom because when some of the submissive’s humanity is taken away and especially if their communication is restricted, the Dominant must that much more aware of the submissive’s frame of mind.

So that’s a very basic overview of pet play. It can get a lot more specific if one looks at each relationship and the animal(s) involved. A note though; pet play sometimes can be sexual, and sometimes can be completely non-sexual. It, as with everything else, simply depends on the couple involved. Please keep in mind that I am in no way speaking of bestiality. This is two or more human beings acting and role playing within the confines of their negotiated relationship.

Most importantly: Have fun and ask questions if you need or want to!!

In my opinion, pet play can deepen submission, but only if it’s right for you.

Skylerpet is a 24/7 submissive pup in her late 20’s. She has been into pet play since she discovered the D/s lifestyle and can be reached at: requiemskye@yahoo.com for emails and also YIM chat.

photo by photognome

Review: Screw the Roses, Send Me the Thorns

If you’ve been around the BDSM and D/s scene at all there is one of many books that always comes up in conversation as a good book to read when you are new to the whole lifestyle. This book is Screw the Roses, Send Me the Thorns: The Romance and Sexual Sorcery of Sadomasochism by Philip Miller and Molly Devon. It comes as recommended reading for anyone curious about BDSM and want a primer for what SM is all about. This was the first book I purchased when I as first learning and is still the go to guide for helping me explain to novices certain aspects of safety, and loving play that I may not have the right words for.

This book is written in the male Dominant / female submissive interactions, but it’s easily translatable into valuable advice for any relationship configuration.  “Screw the Roses enthusiastically covers all the basics and even some of the not-so-basics–bondage, negotiation, sex, endorphins, dominance and submission, toys, safety, S/M community, and beyond.” –Cheryl Trooskin

The first few chapters are dedicated to introducing the basics, safety and recognizing abuse in BDSM relationships. The information is provided in  a clear and concise manner that even the most novice of users can understand and get on board with. The book ascribes to Safe, Sane and Conensual form of safety which I also recommend for new explorers into BDSM. It’s a great help for further into the book that these terms are defined so that understanding comes easier.

Once the basics are down the Philip and Molly take you into relationships. How to find a partner, exploring the roles and basic etiquette are the bulk of these chapters. I love that etiquette is covered as so many seem to forget their manners once they enter into a kinky relationship. Lewd is rude, no matter the situation. You can pick up information on negotiation and setting limits. There is also an interesting chart for the different roles.

The bulk of the book is dedicated to teaching safe basic technique. You can pick up information on bondage and other forms of play with detailed explanations. There is also a few chapters on flogging and impact play for those looking to dive right into the fun stuff. This area is not only good for the novice, but an experienced player could pick up a few tips and tricks. This is definitely a book that should be in every BDSM library.

Near the end the authors cover endorphins and subpace as well as the psychological effects of play.Mindfucks, forced exhibitionism, verbal abuse, and public play are not for everyone and play that involves a person’s mind and emotions can be dangerous and should be explored slowly and consensually.

No primer would be complete without a glimpse into the dungeon equipment and tools that are used during a kinky encounter. There is also an appendix to stores, support groups and communities that can help the newcomer step out into the world. The photos are a nice touch and help to display what Philip and Molly are talking about throughout the book.  It has an excellent table of contents to find things quickly and a useful appendix for things to help anyone get started.

All in all, there is no wonder why so many people recommend this book as one of the first books for someone just starting out in BDSM. It has everything you could wish for in a complete overview of BDSM book.

Product Details

• Paperback: 277 pages
• Publisher: Mystic Rose Books; 1st ed edition (July 1, 1988)
• Language: English
• ISBN-10: 0964596008
• luna’s Rating: 9/10

Buy Screw the Roses, Send Me the Thorns: The Romance and Sexual Sorcery of Sadomasochism

Stereotyping Submission as Feminine

I read in an online forum recently about the stigma that a Master or Dom should be manly or masculine. So many replied that they agreed and had found a Dominant that was physically stronger than they were. I was not in agreement and questioned why they idea of masculinity was associated with Dominance. No one took the bait and I didn’t get an answer so that one will have to wait to get an answer another day.

But I can ponder if the inverse is then true. Does being a submissive inherently mean you are feminine? This of course could work in a male Dominant/female submissive dynamic, but then again not always the case.  What about relationships where the female is the Dominant? Do they suddenly become masculine?

Thinking about what you know about yourself and what you are looking for in a partner, is masculinity one of them? Does the idea of machismo really stir you? Is this where the idea that all Dominants should be masculine? Certainly my Master is a man, but he doesn’t have the appearance as a body builder or anything. He’s a technology person and spends a lot of time in front of a computer. Does  this lend itself to being less masculine? No one has questioned if he’s manly and I certainly wouldn’t question it.

Is there a vision of submission that is docile, small, dainty, very feminine? Why is that? A lot of submissives don’t fit this idea of submission and are prized for who they are too. Like me. I’m not dainty or small and I only play docile on TV! Is it porn and other media that we get this idea that a submissive needs to be a certain way?

What is  gender stereotyping? It is basically defined as a shared set of beliefs about purported qualities of females and males. Since most of you, my readers, are in a male-dominted culture it could make sense that men have more images of strength and power and that females have a softer, home-bound type perception. While this has adjusted somewhat with the rise of feminism, it is still out there.

When did we adopt the gender stereotyping to the Dominant and submissive role in D/s dynamics? What other stereotyping to do you seen in BDSM?

I hope to talk about this more in future posts. Please provide your input in the comments. Thanks!

Is Submission in Opposition to Feminism?

Recently there has been a lot of talk about Feminism and it’s role in society where it’s related (or not related) to submission in a D/s context. I read kaya’s post from Under His Hand, that while being a rant, was a well thought out discussion on how narrow minded a lot of feminists are who believe submission is a step backwards in the Feminist movement.

I believe that the feminist movement can move in parallel to what submission is to the D/s world. It’s about making choices, even if the choice is to not have any choices. Hard core feminism tries to state that any situation where the male dominant society continues is not welcome, thus submission in a Male/female connotation would be opposite that of feminism. Sure, I can see that, but it’s not how feminism started.

Again, it was about oppression, sure, but oppression of a lot of things other than where a woman stands in a relationship. It was to break out of social norms of the housewife, bringing them into a breadwinner role. It was about giving a woman a right to have a job that was typically for men only. The military opened up to women. All of these things gave women a choice.

So what’s wrong with choosing submission? For feminists it’s the idea that you want to be in the role they tried so hard to break free from. We can be the enemy or we can be an example. I like being an example.

I’m an example that feminism works. I can choose to be anything I want; get a job I want, live as a single mom without too much scorn, make more money than my male counterparts (can be hard still, but doable). Yet I choose to live at home, work at home, care for my man and take care of the family. That’s what I want to do.

So am I a feminist? Yes. Am I hard core? No.

Where do you stand on feminsim? Do you believe that submission is in opposition to feminism? Let your voice be heard!

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Rituals that Work from Those that Practice Them

The most frequent question I get asked is what is about rituals; what are they, how do I start one, are they hard, do they help with your submission, etc. They really aren’t that difficult once you understand what they are. There’s no sacred rites or incantations or anything, unless that is what you want. A ritual is a formal practiced set of rules that is done on a regular basis.

Take for example when your Dominant arrives home from work. He rings the doorbell two times and then waits 30 seconds before unlocking and opening the door. The reason for this is for you to stop what you are doing and kneel, waiting for him to enter.  This is a ritual. It’s a way to leave the work at the door and resume your submissive mindset.

You can also have meditation rituals. A slave’s rosary is a good example of a meditation ritual.

There are all sorts of D/s couples that have rituals and talk about them online. Here’s a current list of the ones I could find. If you have any rituals you’d like added to this list, let me know with a link where you’ve talked about it and I’ll add it. Thanks!

Daily Rituals

• Lord Koi and lily
• Sartan and jenni
• Dragon’s beloved
• Mistress Steele
• Various entering and leaving rituals
• Staging Sacredness

Food Rituals

• Chinese Tea Ceremony
• Food Etiquette
• Various food rituals

Ceremonies are specialized rituals. They are generally done only during very special moments.

Collaring

• Gorean collaring ceremony example
• Sample Collaring Ceremony

photo credit hall.chris25

Books That Might Interest You

Protocols: Handbook for the Female Slave

Creating a Personal Protocol

Protocol Handbook for the Leather Slave

Manual Creation: Defining the Structure of an M/s Household

Bookshelf

A good book can help you learn more about yourself and your submission or enhance a skill you have always wanted to learn. Here is a growing list of books to help you on the way. Do you have a suggestion for a book listed here? Please email me at subguide@gmail.com. Thank you.

View Submissive Guide Amazon Store for more selections

Beginning BDSM

• Screw the Roses, Send Me the Thorns: The Romance and Sexual Sorcery of Sadomasochism by Phillip Miller – Review
• SM 101: A Realistic Introduction by Jay Wiseman
• BDSM Primer by Ralph White
• Different Loving: The World of Sexual Dominance and Submission by Gloria Brahme – Review
• Partners in Power: Living in Kinky Relationships by Jack Rinella
• When Someone You Love Is Kinky by Dossie Easton and Catherine A. Lizst

Dominance

• The Art Of Sensual Female Dominance: A Guide for Women by Claudia Varrin
• The Loving Dominant by John and Libby Warren
• The Sexually Dominant Woman: A Workbook for Nervous Beginners by Lady Green
• The New Topping Book by Dossie Easton and Janet W. Hardy
• The Master’s Manual: A Handbook of Erotic Dominance by Jack Rinella

Submission

• Erotic Surrender: The Sensual Joys of Female Submission by Claudia Varrin
• The Compleat Slave: Creating And Living An Erotic Dominant/submissive Lifestyle by Jack Rinella
• Erotic Slavehood: A Miss Abernathy Omnibus by Christina Abernathy
• Becoming a Slave by Jack Rinella
• SlaveCraft: Roadmaps for Erotic Servitude–Principles, Skills and Tools by Guy Baldwin - Review
• The New Bottoming Book by Dossie Easton and Janet W Hardy – Review
• The Submissive Activity Book: Building Blocks To Better Service by Shannon Reilly

Ritual and Protocol

• Protocols: Handbook for the female slave by Robert J. Rubel
• Creating A Personal Protocol by Shannon Reilly
• The Bride Wore Black Leather…And He Looked Fabulous!: An Etiquette Guide for the Rest of Us by Drew Campbell
• Protocol Handbook for the Leather Slave: Theory and Practice by Robert J. Rubel
• Manual Creation: Defining the Structure of an M/s Household by Machele Kindle and Master Fire

Master/slave

• Master/slave Relations: Handbook of Theory and Practice (M/s Studies Books) by Robert Rubel
• Master/slave Relations: Solutions 401: Graduate Studies in Meeting Challenges in your Relationship (M/s Series) by Robert Rubel

Leather Culture and History

• Chainmale: 3SM–A Unique View of Leather Culture by Don Bastian

SM and Play

• Consensual Sadomasochism : How to Talk About It and How to Do It Safely by William A. Henkin and Sybil Holiday
• Bound to Be Free: The Sm Experience by Charles Moser
• The Compleat Spanker by Lady Green
• Consensual Spanking by Jules Markham
• Flogging by Joseph Bean
• Flogging: The Basics and Beyond (SMTech Educational) by Joseph Bean
• Learning the Ropes: A Basic Guide to Safe and Fun S/m Lovemaking by Race Bannon
• Jay Wiseman’s Erotic Bondage Handbook by Jay Wiseman
• Two Knotty Boys Showing You The Ropes: A Step-by-Step, Illustrated Guide for Tying Sensual and Decorative Rope Bondage by Two Knotty Boys
• Two Knotty Boys Back on the Ropes by Two Knotty Boys

Sex and Sexuality

• American Sex Machines: The Hidden History of Sex at the U.S. Patent Office by Hoag Levins
• Anal Pleasure & Health: A Guide for Men and Women by Jack Morin
• Come Hither: A Commonsense Guide To Kinky Sex by Gloria Brahme
• The Guide to Getting It On, 6th Edition by Psy.D Paul Joannides

Spirituality

• Dark Moon Rising: Pagan BDSM and the Ordeal Path by Raven Kaldera

Crafts and DIY

• Bondage on a Budget by Alison Tyler and Dante Davidson

What Is Slave Training?

In this week’s video tip I talk about what training is to a submissive and the value it has to a D/s relationship.

When someone thinks of slave training, what is the first thing that pops into your mind? Is it a submissive on their knees going through the paces that their Dominant puts them? Is it Gorean-style positions and changes in speech?

What would you say if I told you that training is everything that you do for your Dominant when directed to do so in a certain manner? Take a basic request of making coffee or tea. If you are told the specific way your Dominant takes their coffee or tea and then proceed to do that every time it is requested you are being trained to make his or her coffee or tea. This is training.

The term training can also be used for the time period where you learn the protocol of a new environment. Much like your orientation period at a new job (which is likely also called training), you learn what is acceptable and expected of you during your work hours.

Training can come in all forms. Some Dominants go through steps to teach their submissive proper protocol within the home and the rules of the house. Other Dominants give their submissive rules that they have to learn and then use a punishment and reward system to instill them.

There is a really big hype about training when there doesn’t need to be. Every single behavior change or attitude change is part of your training. I bet that there are things that your Dominant would consider training that you don’t.  Are there actions or activities you do that are now a habit that wasn’t before? Can that be attributed to training?

The important thing to remember with slave training is that is it an agreed upon change or set of changes that the submissive undergoes to improve themselves for their Dominant or themselves. You do not have to be in a relationship to undergo training. You just have to have a desire to better yourself.

As a follow up to this post I wrote “Dominance as a Slave Training Tool to Better Submission.”

Also Available

Simply Service Newsletter May 2008

Inside this edition:

• Is Slavery Real? by Darren
• Productivity Tools
• Training Outside of the Box by Bootpig
• porkchops Rules of Bedding: Inside Info from a Retail Whore

Books That Might Interest You

Erotic Slavehood

Master Nage’s Guide to Training Consensual Slaves

Protocols: Handbook for the female slave

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Help! My Dom is smaller than me!

You’ve met the perfect person; they are strict and charming, their dominance is a perfect compliment to your submission. There is just one hang-up. They are shorter than you, or they could be smaller in stature than you. Could there be an issue with your ability to submit to someone that can’t overpower you physically or that you can’t gaze into their eyes from below?

There is a reason why it can be a problem with some people to submit someone that doesn’t fit their mental image of a dominant. It has to do with perception. You can’t assume that just because someone is shorter than you are that they can’t bring you to your knee with a word. Someone’s physical presence is not where their dominance lies. Look within and see that the dominance is who they are and they can wield power from wherever they are, not just from above.

The media has given us a stigma of the muscular, powerful dominant or the tall, busty female dominant. The vision may help fuel your dreams and fantasies but the general population does not look like our dreams. We need to step out of that 2-d environment of screen and pictures and take in reality.

Give someone a chance to show you who they are. Being open to someone that isn’t your perfect vision of dominance could lead you to your perfect partner. People come in all shapes an sizes. We all have preference for body types, and each of us has different bodies. Our submission or dominance is who we are, not what we look like. When you meet someone that is just perfect in personality, their size shouldn’t mean anything.

Even if you have accepted someone into your life that is smaller than you are, you could still have occasional issues with power exchange. In the heat of a moment you could forget that they still control you and try to force them to do your will or refuse to do theirs. They may then reassert their power over you in a corrective way.

So how do you break down your own perception barrier?

1. Analyze your reasoning behind why you find shorter people less dominant and change it.
2. Figure out why being taller makes you feel less submissive.
3. Talk to the dominant as equals and get to know them.

Do you have any ideas to share? Are you in a relationship where your Dominant is smaller than you are? Is it difficult to obey them? Why or why not?