What NOT to Share on Your Online Profile

This video post is about what not to share on your online profile.

We all have one somewhere. FetLife being all the rage right now, but also we have alt.com, collarme.com, bondage.com and others where we place ads and identity profiles up to get people interested. This interest can be friends or relationship related; it doesn’t matter. What does matter is what we broadcast to everyone that happens across our profiles. You need to keep some things secure and really consider what’s necessary to put out into the World Wide Web.

What’s Safe?

Nothing you place online is safe. Anyone can find you and use what you put online to harm you in some way. Take for instance a rather vanilla picture of yourself on an adult site. It could be used against you in your job or other social engagements. Just the knowledge alone that you are present on a site like FetLife or CollarMe could get you fired. Your ex could use it against you to gain custody of your children. Anything is possible.

The idea that because you have to log into the service means that every word you write or photo you share behind that security feature means you are safe. This is far from true. Too many people rely heavily on the false sense of security that a log in screen provides. Think about it this way; how easy was it for you to create a profile? A predator or someone you don’t want to find you will find it a breeze.

Top 8 Online Safety Tips

Photos

If you share photos of yourself, even if you head and identifying features are cut out; be prepared to find them elsewhere online. So many people online just don’t care if they don’t own the rights to the photo, others like to increase their personal stash of porn, and others still want to earn money on your shared ‘free’ content. It takes all kinds. So, before you share a photo, consider if you want it on the internet. Don’t limit your mental scope to the site you are placing it, but all over the internet.

• Pictures Share You With The World
• Dangers of Online Photos

Personal Information

Other than the basic profile information, I’d keep your life pretty vague if you don’t want to be found by others you may know in another sphere of your life. Leave relationship, family and work details out of profiles. Never share information about your children.

Think about it this way, put on your profile only what you wouldn’t have a problem telling someone face to face that you don’t know. Because you know, that’s just it. Strangers are reading your profile and looking at those pictures before they know you… really know you.

Sure it sounds counter productive for a dating site, but protecting yourself should come first. Besides, emails and site mailing systems are slightly safer for sharing a bit more about yourself. Granted, these too can be abused, so be careful.

Some of you may be saying, “Well sure lunaKM, but I’ve seen your profile here or there and you share a lot about yourself including unaltered photos. Practice what you preach!

Let me tell you; I have no job outside the home, no friends or tech-saavy family that do not know and have nothing to loose if someone sees me or learns about me. I’m a unique case. I’m not saying that some of you aren’t either. I’ve given all of my profiles a look over and am happy with what is shared. That’s all that matters.

How Much Information is Too Much?

I Challenge You

Today I challenge you to go through your profiles and reconsider some of the information you have shared. Rip out what could put you in some form of danger or get you recognized by someone you’d rather stay incognito with. If you aren’t using a profile; delete it completely.

SkylerPet’s Helpful Holiday Hints

This post is another guest post by Skylerpet. You can read her other posts here. She’s wants to help us all get through the holidays with less stress. Here’s some tips to help you. If you have other tips for holiday stress, please leave them in the comments!

With the holiday season in full swing, things can get pretty hectic.  It seems like there’s always more things to do, a list left unfinished.  So I thought I’d share a few tips that I’ve learned over the years to make things go a little smoother.  As submissives it’s important for us to be able to get through these things with as few mishaps as possible, so that we may serve our Master’s better and insure their holidays are most enjoyable.

Around the house:

• Don’t be afraid to ask if guests will be bringing children.  If they are, make sure your home is child safe.  Put breakables up and out of the way, have plastic safety plugs in the electrical outlets, things of that nature.
• Have a place set aside for guests coats, such as a bedroom and a mat for shoes, if weather will be inclement, to keep your floor clean.  Don’t be afraid to put up a “please remove your shoes” sign for those who like to wear shoes inside.
• It’s perfectly okay to use paper plates, especially if they’re biodegradable.
• Make sure to have an extra roll of bathroom tissue and plenty of handsoap available in your bathroom.  Also, having an extra hand towel is not a bad idea. (Not your best ones either! They will be used a lot.)
• If you have your computer on, make sure it’s password protected so nosey relatives or curious children don’t find things they don’t need to.
• Make sure to use surge protectors when plugging in your Christmas tree lights.  Safety first!

In the kitchen:

• Buy your meat in bulk and separate it into 1 lb sections.  Freeze in freezer bags.
• Do a major cleanout of your fridge and cupboards a week or two ahead of time, so there’s room for leftovers.
• Make sure you know about any allergies and other dietary restrictions of your guests.
• Use whole wheat flour for baking.  It’s healthier, tastes better and bakes better.
• Make sure to accept offers for guests to bring dishes.
• Using generic brands is an okay thing.  It saves money and most of them taste the same as name brands.
• Frozen veggies and fruits are an excellent alternative to the fresh varieties.  They last longer, are cheaper and taste just the same.

Miscellaneous:

• Cut up and hemmed flannel shirts make excellent washable napkins.
• Use masking tape to put dates on leftovers you plan on freezing.  It’s easy to remove so you won’t have to cross it out on the Tupperware.
• Ground turkey is a lighter and usually cheaper alternative to ground beef.  The taste difference is not noticeable.
• Use different colored disposable cups for alcoholic versus non-alcoholic drinks.

Make sure to do something special for your Master! Something like a food dish that has special meaning to just you and Him could be subtle but still have meaning.

In the end, the holidays are about family.  And they’re going to understand that things can’t be perfect.  So if you have to put a pile of magazines behind the chair in the living room or use paper plates or if you don’t dust the top of the book cases, family is family and they will understand.

Skylerpet is a 24/7 submissive pup in her late 20’s. She has been into pet play since she discovered the D/s lifestyle and can be reached at: requiemskye@yahoo.com for emails and also YIM chat.

photo by mysza831

Chat Night Transcript for Speaking Submissively

This chat was held on December 2nd, 2009.

~lunaKM> So tonight I wanted to talk about speech and how the way we communicate can impact our submission.

Nia> tonight’s topic really struck a chord with me

angel> same here

~lunaKM> I’ve been doing a bit of non-scientific research of my own when I am out and about and am appalled at the way we talk to each other anymore.

~lunaKM> It’s like the care and respect for strangers no longer exists.

~lunaKM> But furthermore, how we talk to our family has also gone downhill.

~lunaKM> We can take our submissive nature (whether learned or natural) and use it to bring back grace and charm to conversation.

~lunaKM> You can feel free to chime in any time thoughts pop into your head, this is an open discussion.

angel> :)

angel> i didn’t want to interrupt

Nia> ty, luna

angel> i agree with you. i’ve notice how even friends in public speak to one another…

~lunaKM> I’d like to touch on gossiping, vulgarities, person bashing and docile speech with your partner

Nia> i concur…observing my and other’s speech at work shames me

angel> my Sir always tells me that you can speak about anything, but it’s how it’s presented that makes the difference

~lunaKM> Exactly and we can cover that first since you brought it up.

~lunaKM> What’s the difference between these to requests:

~lunaKM> a. I’m going to the store Sir.

~lunaKM> b. May I go to the store Sir?

angel> b is a request. a is telling/more aggressive

Nia> i see (a) as information and (b) as a request for permission

~lunaKM> You are both correct.

Nia> i think (a) would be appropriate only as a response to a question from my Mama as to where I am going?

~lunaKM> a was the more aggressive way to voice your need to go to the store.

angel> yes…i also like Nia’s (a) too :)

~lunaKM> :)

angel> i’ll have to admit, though, sometimes it’s hard

~lunaKM> With just a slight change we can turn our requests into questions or suggestions. Words that still give your Dominant the upper hand.

Nia> yes, i agree

~lunaKM> It’s totally hard, I struggle with it all the time.

angel> oh, good. it’s not just me

Nia> i have been away from my Mama for a year…we just got back together a few weeks ago and the transition is harder than i thought

angel> i’m in the same boat with you Nia. my relationship is long distance and i fall out of it at times

angel> the speech, i mean

~lunaKM> Ok, how about these two phrases…(I’m making them up as I go)

~lunaKM> a. The house needs to be repainted.

~lunaKM> b. I’m going to paint the house.

Nia> (a) is definitely more passive in tone

angel> (a) gives the Dominant a chance to respond either yes or no. (b) takes that way

Nia> however, (b) does mean that i am taking responsibility for this chore

~lunaKM> A allows a dialog to be opened up and the Dominant to make decisions.

~lunaKM> If it is your responsiblity to maintain the outside of the house, sure it might be okay, but a cost incurred for doing so may not be.

Nia> (b) does take the risk of offending your Domme

~lunaKM> It sure does

angel> i agree

~lunaKM> Speaking passively is a safer route to take when talking directly to your Dominant.

~lunaKM> Of course it’s something that comes naturally.

Nia> do you feel that it would be the same at home as in public?

~lunaKM> Nia, do you mean in conversations with your Dominant or with everyone?

Nia> with everyone, my Mama and i work together

~lunaKM> There are always occasions where passive speech just will not work

~lunaKM> Times where authority or responsibility is necessary to claim in order to make your point. But in a relationship where your submission is on display, it’s better to be subordinant in speech as well as deed.

~lunaKM> And of course this won’t work for everyone in every relationship.

angel> i think it’s the Dominant who sets the tone as well. sometimes He/She will allow you to take more verbal control of a situation. but i agree in a D/s setting it’s safer to be softer in speech

~lunaKM> My Master hates it when I say, “Whatever you’d like” (being passive) He wants to know my opinion before making decisions and giving him no options frustrates the living daylights out of him.

Nia> i am a switch and also have a sub boi, so i have to change up several times a day

angel> that’s interesting Nia. is your boi with you while you are with your Domme?

Nia> “whatever you like” drives me crazy too, i try to make suggestions, but leave it up to my Mama to set my priorities each day

Nia> so i want to learn how to keep things transparent with my speech, to emphasize my status with each of them in a non-violent manner

angel> i imagine that it is tough to switch verbal gears in that situation. i find it hard to do coming from work :) i try to stop and think of who i am speaking to (my Sir) before responding.

~lunaKM> So you could get really good with switching from passive to active speech. Set it up to an artform!

Nia> and i have 2 teenage daughters who are finding themselves…menopause on top of all of that! whew!

~lunaKM> lol, quite a handful

angel> lol..tough all the way around

~lunaKM> So, how about we move in to gossiping

~lunaKM> What do you feel about gossip?

angel> it’s a fine line between gossiping and sharing

Nia> it’s funny that when my co-workers are gossiping and i’m not, they seem to feel threatened…that i think i’m better than them by refusing to join the conversation

~lunaKM> I think a lot of gossiping is unrequested information about someone else. I used to be a huge gossip girl.

Nia> but i feel that gossip is usually more about the person who is gossiping

~lunaKM> I’d term that as bragging Nia

angel> how did you stop yourself from gossiping, luna?

Nia> not really, i don’t think that i am better than them…they just think that

Nia> yes, how did you stop, luna?

~lunaKM> Well, It wasn’t easy really. I decided that if the information wasn’t about me, that I had no right to share it.

angel> didn’t you feel like you would explode?

angel> :)

~lunaKM> So no matter how badly I wanted to talk about what happened at the party, etc, if it wasn’t me then it wasn’t my story.

Nia> true that

~lunaKM> At first I did feel that way; then I realized that I was not showing myself in a good light if I could simply talk about everyone else without a care for their thoughts.

angel> hmmm…makes perfect sense.

~lunaKM> I now get so many people wanting to share themselves with me because they know I will guard their trust

Nia> how do you keep from getting drawn into the gossip of others?

~lunaKM> And that really is more important.

~lunaKM> Well, I tend to shut gossip down pretty fast. I just tell them that I won’t talk about people that aren’t part of the conversation since we could be getting the facts wrong.

Nia> excellent point and idea

angel> yes, that is a good statement to use-it’s not harsh but puts a spin on it that others may not get the facts right either

~lunaKM> I’ve had to counter that once when someone kept going and asked them why they felt the need to talk about something that could hurt someone else’s reputation/feelings.

~lunaKM> I’ve wanted to say, ‘Is your life really that boring that we have to talk about other people?’

Nia> there are always 2 sides to every story…sometimes more

~lunaKM smirks

Nia> bravo

angel> :)

~lunaKM> I mean gossip is meant to puff up the person gossiping and tear down the person they are talking about, is it not?

Nia> there is so much that i can share about myself and listening to others sharing about themselves…why bring 3rd parties into it?

~lunaKM> So why do they need that inflated ego?

angel> good points

Nia> cursing, or as you called it “vulgarities”, is a character defect i am really struggling with now

Nia> any advice?

~lunaKM> Well, don’t laugh but I make up words instead of using curse words.

~lunaKM> So Jesus Christ has always been jimminey cricket

angel> i have to admit, the only time i do curse is during “relations”. i guess that’s not good either

angel> lol..cute luna

~lunaKM> lol, I can curse all I want during play/sex… it’s a turn on for both of us

Nia> lol…sorry i had to laugh :)

~lunaKM> That’s okay, sometimes Master repeats the word and I realize just how silly it sounds, but it keeps me from getting in trouble for cursing

Nia> for me it more about controlling my speech when i am angry/frustrated…the words just jump out before i can edit them

~lunaKM> Ah well that’s just as hard.

~lunaKM> The only thing for that is tempering…. mental counting before expressing your anger or frustration.

~lunaKM> It’s not something I’m good at yet (thus the fake curse words)

Nia> my Mama just gives a look, and i feel so ashamed

angel> good advice. taking a deep breath. think jimminey cricket

~lunaKM> lol

Nia> hehe

~lunaKM> the one that Master hates is when he says Son of a.. and I finish it with beehive!

angel> LOL

Nia> my youngest daughter charges me a quarter, fifty cents on sundays…i think i’ve paid for her college tuition this year

~lunaKM> that’s a good incentive if it makes a difference, although if you’ve paid tuition then it must not be so good.

angel> lol…money usually works. at least it benefits someone

Nia> well, i yell a lot during football games

Nia> but seriously, i realize how verbally abusive i can be, and want to change

~lunaKM> This is something that you can work on with your Dominant if you ask for help.

angel> maybe if you picture the look from your Mama before you say it, it will help you to cut down on it.

~lunaKM> Of course it’s going to be hard, but if you want to change and it’s a positive thing I don’t see why she wouldn’t help.

Nia> wow, i’ve never even asked for her help….thanks for the suggestions angel & luna

angel> :)

~lunaKM smiles. Sometimes it take someone else to point out the obvious.

~lunaKM> Are we ready for the last point I want to cover tonight?

angel> sure

Nia> yes

~lunaKM> I’ve seen this a lot on online forums and communities

~lunaKM> person/dominant bashing

Nia> ah, i’ve seen this a lot too

~lunaKM> In generalities it’s when someone says that someone isn’t a good Dominant based on one sided conversation, or that you aren’t a true submissive because of x, y and z. Essentially bashing teh person without all the facts.

~lunaKM> In an online community it is almost impossible to know exactly what is going on with someone when they write just as soon as they experience hurt or anger or fear. That isn’t the time to write, but so many do and it starts damaging the reputation of someone else.

angel> i’ve seen that a lot too

Nia> i understand the need to vent, but damaging the reputation of your Dominant isn’t going to help anything

~lunaKM> I tend to steer clear of these sorts of threads except to say that we don’t know the other person’s side or to recommend that the person reflect on the issue after the intense feelings have faded and they may see it in another light.

angel> good point, Nia. sometimes you do need to vent and for some, the online community is all they have. but, maybe it should be with a online friend and not a thread

angel> i wish everyone responded that way, luna :)

Nia> yes, being discrete should come first

Nia> or i wish that they could relate just their side without all of the damaging details (Dominant’s name, etc.)

~lunaKM> I agree

Nia> a saying in recovery programs is “if i am not the problem, there is no solution”

~lunaKM> I think that in those situations they aren’t seeing what THEY did wrong, only what is bothering them from the other person.

angel> exactly

~lunaKM> heh, that’s just about what I said

Nia> yeah, all i read in those posts is an invitation to a pity party

~lunaKM> no kidding and I never accept those invites.

angel> same here

~lunaKM> They are usually closed off to advice that doesn’t support their anger or frustration either.

angel> never thought of it that way, but that’s true

___

Do you have anything else to add? What are your thoughts?

photo by katie teqtmeyer

The Disposable Relationship Mentality

I’ve been witness to a shocking new trend in relationships lately. Perhaps I’m old school or old fashioned but what I’m seeing in today’s society, and not just the BDSM culture, is the lack of effort in relationships.

As I was raised I was taught that something worthwhile wasn’t always easy to achieve and you may have to work hard to get it. I applied this to everything in my life; including the relationships I developed. My marriage may have failed, but I didn’t give up and worked very hard to make it work before admitting defeat. The same goes for my current relationship. It takes work.

Now I’m not saying that you should give every relationship a fighting chance because I know some relationships are rushed into, lacking desire, destructive or overall bad for you. These are not what I mean by disposable relationships. These are relationships that everyone has to experience to know what a good relationship looks like.

An Example of What I’m Talking About

Recently Master and I were going through a rough patch. Things have since cleared up so there’s no need to worry, I know I didn’t. Recommendations from people that barely know us were along the lines of the disposable relationship mentality.

“Oh well you’ve been together for so long, maybe you aren’t compatible anymore and should consider moving on.”

“If you are having problems then perhaps he isn’t the right guy for you, get out while you are still young.”

“I’d toss him on the curb and find a real man!”

All of these really had me shocked. It’s not like I was begging for happiness in our relationship, I was just voicing my frustrations with the current dilemma. Master and I work hard at our relationship. We have a very open communication channel and use it regularly to talk about everything. We are the most openly communicative relationship I have seen.  We don’t give up because deep inside the love for each other is worth keeping. If your are spiritually happy in your relationship you’ll understand on what level Master and I are.

The Disposable Relationship Mentality

I see the advice we tend to give people online that we barely know. We jump to the conclusion that their relationship is doomed and tell them 9 times out of 10 that the man or woman just isn’t worth it and they need to let them go and move on. We do this without hearing the other side, asking more questions or even understanding where this issue came from that they are asking advice on. Why do we do this?

The disposable relationship mentality is a lot like our disposable nature with everything else. We throw everything away. Quality has taken a back seat to convenience and cost. We dismiss issues with a relationship as broken goods and we just let them loose to try and find someone else that won’t break. Of course when that one does as well we start hating relationships altogether. There’s no effort anymore.

Do you think a relationship will blossom if the two or more people involved don’t work at it? Of course not. How hard are you working in your relationship to make it work to your satisfaction?

How about your current relationship? Is it like that toaster you have to keep replacing every few years because it stops toasting correctly or is it that cherished family heirloom that you take great care in keeping beautiful and shining for all to see?

Top Ten Books on Holiday Preparation

With the holidays right around the corner I wanted to give you some helpful resources to get you started on decorating and planning for family; whether that be meals or traveling.

The following list was gathered from Amazon.com

1. Celebrating Home: Decorating for the Holidays and Seasons (Seasons of Cannon Falls)
2. Country Living Merry & Bright: 301 Festive Ideas for Celebrating Christmas
3. The American Patriot’s Treasury of Thanksgiving Dinner Ideas: Old-World Table Settings, Recipes, Games, Hand Crafts, and Party Ideas for Cultural Enrichment and Pleasure
4. Thanksgiving 101: Celebrate America’s Favorite Holiday with America’s Thanksgiving Expert
5. Christmas (Williams-Sonoma)
6. Christmas: Decorations, Feasts, Gifts, Traditions (1000 Hints, Tips and Ideas)
7. ?
8. ?
9. ?
10. ?

This list is intentionally left incomplete. What are your favorite books for the holiday season to get you prepared and ready to enjoy a low stress season?

Also Recommended

The Simply Service Holiday 2008 edition – pdf

Inside the edition:

• The Matriarch of Merriment by Sazmira
• Holiday Tips and Ideas by Danae
• Holiday Traditions by Whipmaster Bob Clark
• The Great Christmas Tree Adventure by BootPig
• Gift Wrap Like a PorkChop by PorkChop
• Making Croissants for the Holidays by Wildfluers
• Also Tons of Holiday Recipe Cards!

The Challenges of Being Kajira in Today’s Society

Today’s guest post is by dina from Kajiradreams. You can also read her post on what it’s like to be an owned kajira and a kajira’s strengths and misconceptions.

Don’t Assume Submissive Means Sister

You know you’ve entered online submissive ground when everyone you don’t know starts to refer to you as sister. It’s been years since I’ve ‘lived’ online but this is something that has always irked me. Recently on FetLife I saw a question that had an interesting twist to the whole sister submissive thing that I’d like to talk about. I pulled out the issue, but kept one part of the question that I’d like to base this post on.

As subs aren’t we suppose to support and care for our sub sisters? Or this a dog eat dog world where our sub sisters don’t care for each other?

First I’d like to respond to the question. We are all people, submissive or not. Just because you identify as submissive does not give you a membership card into the friendship club for me. Sure I’m going to care for you with the same care I give any person I meet. Just don’t expect me to care more because you are submissive. This isn’t always a dog eat dog world, but you can’t expect people to always treat you the way you treat them.

I don’t know you. I’m going to give you the same courtesy I give a stranger. Even acquaintances aren’t going to get the same treatment as a close friend. That’s just the way I work. If submissives treated each other with more care and support than others, then we’d have less crying over submissives stealing other Dominants, talking bad about others and the number of other really horrible things that people do to each other online.

What is the value of relating in this way?

For online submissives there is a huge value in having a sense of camaraderie and comfort with other people. Usually online submissives are exploring the only way they know how and they have a fantastical idea of what D/s is and how BDSM really works. This fantasy helps them create a buffer with the real world. Online becomes a perfect world where all submissives are docile and kneel for hours at a time, service is always graceful and takes 30 mins to get a coffee and Dominants and submissives get together at the simple suggestion.

So to have sub sisters to relate to online is a way of developing a family of people that you can go to and talk about concerns, struggles, questions and friendship. It’s part of the illusion of the lifestyle. In some respects, it can be healthy and helpful, especially if the sub sisters have real life experience they can share with the online submissives.

How did submissives get put in a higher plane than everyone else?

Related to the ‘dog eat dog world’ comment above, online submissives; and I’m sure some real life ones too, feel that because they are submissive that they are angels and not subject to being human. Not every person you  meet is genuine or kind. In fact some are down-right rude and disgusting. You just can’t live in a perfect world; even online.

So I think submissives got put on a higher plane for these submissives because they want to look for the perfect in everyone. Oh and you can pretend to be whoever you want online so they may appear perfect. Again, it’s part of the fantasy that is nurtured online.

My personal feelings on sister submissives

I don’t like to be called sister by people that aren’t my sister. I’ve never told someone not to call me sister, but I just tend to ignore it. I think the name gets tossed around too much for my preference.  My sister means more to me than my friends and I can’t see any of my friends becoming sister-like (except my childhood best friend). Now I could be wrong and I could change my opinion later in life, but I doubt it. I think part of the reason I have issues with it is because I have NEVER seen Dominants refer to themselves in the same way. Are they all Dominant brothers? Nope. There’s no reason to associate that way online or in real life.

Are there real life examples of sub sisters?

Ya know, I’m not really sure. I’ve not met anyone in real life that calls others their sister. Does it happen in poly households? Or maybe Gorean ones? Let me know! I’d be curious to have a guest post on the use of sister in real life BDSM or D/s relationships. If’ you’re interested, contact me!

Assualt is NOT okay

This week’s video post is about an issue that needs more awareness.

I had someone ask me for some advice through my email the other day and it went something like this:

I just started exploring my kinky side and I’ve only shared it with a few other people. One person that found out started talking really crudely to me and cornering me at parties to whisper horrible naughty things in my ear. One night he forced his way into my apartment, violated me and beat me with his belt until I blacked out. I don’t know how to handle this because I’ve admitted I’m kinky, does this mean people will treat me like this?

My huge response to her request was to find out if she was alright and to seek help, right away. What this person did was rape and assault. It wasn’t consensual. It wasn’t agreed upon. It was forced. The fact that the woman was exploring her kinky side has nothing to do with what happened.

It’s sad to know that a few men out there think it is okay to harm women in this way. Submission does not mean you are open for violation and harm.  You are not an automatic victim.

I can only hope that the woman sought out help and reported the man for assault. I don’t know, the response I received was more along the lines of ‘thanks for the advice.’ I really did want to help her and even tried to find out where she lived so that I could report the man myself.

If you are in a situation where you don’t feel safe or that you find yourself fearing for what may happen, please understand that you don’t have to live that way. You can get out. There are assistance programs for you.

The one I’d like to talk about right now is the National Leather Association International – Domestic Violence Project. They have been in place since 1998 helping people get out of dangerous relationships and situations. They provide services to help communities and individuals raise awareness of the differences between consensual BDSM and abuse.  October is National Domestic Violence Awareness Month. During this month, Submissive Guide will be raising money to help the NLA-I DVP in its cause to raise awareness. Stay tuned for how you can help Submissive Guide support awareness.

If you need help, call the National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-SAFE

Reader’s Response to Addictions

I got quite a few wonderful responses in my email about addictions after I posted about my own vice. Some of you have allowed me to share your thoughts here for everyone to read. Thank you so much for sharing your stories. I know that someone will be touched by them; I know I have.

Anon1:

im a self-injurer.  i told Sir, and that was the hardest thing i ever did.   i didnt know what his reaction would be.  once you tell someone this, you cannot take it back.  but he was wonderful  about it.  of course i am forbidden to self-injure, (i cut myself).  and i must contact him when i am triggered.  at first it was very hard, because it was so easy just to cut when the stress built up and i needed a release.  that is now not an option.  i realize some people dont consider this an addiction perhaps, but to a certain extent i feel it is.  Sir has been so supportive and caring.  He never brow beat me about it.  with Sir, i can accomplish anything, even getting past self-injuring which i never thought wouldve been possible.   thank you so much for being so brave to tell you story and fight with this.  you will win this fight.

Anon2:

I am an alcoholic. Master has made suggestions but has not given me any orders. I tried to hide it at first, but the more I went out the more I sent texts and emails. Then the guilt set in and I came clean. He pulled away and stopped calling me his doll. That hurt the most. When he does not call my name my heart breaks. Doll. BUT I DID NOT STOP. being and addict is an everyday struggle. but it is something he wants me to come to terms with on my own. He cares about me. I am trying to beat this and with his encouraging words I hope I can. I do not want to lose him.

Anon3:

i truly know what you are saying about food addiction. 7 years ago i stopped smoking after 36 years and a two pack addiction to cigarettes. and that was nothing compare to trying to control my food addiction. last year i did loose 46 pounds and i was thinking boy i am on my way. so this year i wanted to loose the last 50 pounds. well i am not sure that well happen. one day i do real good the next i do not do well. i have a Master we have been in our relationship almost a year now. it is not a 24/7 relationship. another word we do not live together and He does give me a lot of freedom due to my family and His. but He knows about me trying to loose this last 50 pounds. the year is more than half over and i have only lost 15 pounds. He always tells me He does not reward bad behavior. and that seems to work in all areas except my eating habit. someday when i get cared away with the eating i just say well i well start again tomorrow. but most time i don’t .i don’t know how to bring it up to my Master and i do not know what kind of help to ask for. i know i just don’t feel right about not letting Master in on how hard this is for me and i need help.
my mother would always say there are two ways to look at food. one is you eat to live. the second is you live to eat. well when your addiction is food you are the second.and that is me.
so as you can see i do not have an answer for you but i can tell you there are a lot of us out here in the same boat. all we want is to be healthy and happy.

i wish you luck on your journey and  anyone else who is on this roll a coaster ride with food addiction.

If you have a story you want to tell, I’m here to listen. I keep all emails private unless permission is given to share them. That is ALWAYS the case.

photo by Capture Queen

Living with Kids While in the D/s Lifestyle

This is a guest post by Christian. He  is a switch male of the D/s lifestyle for the past 14 years.

For my first post here I am going to write about something I get asked a fair bit. How does one raise kids in a D/s household? As one with several kids I thought I should talk just a moment on this. It does interest me how others deal with this so I would like to know how others feel as well.

My own history of being raised in a D/s household (unbeknownst to me) my entire life also puts me in a unique position to speak on this as well. It is obvious to me now how my folks are and the thought had crossed my mind once I became aware there was a whole underground community at the age of 18. But until it was stated clearly I would have never known for sure.

In most ways my owner and I approach this thing very much as my parents did. They did as much as possible to shield me from their unique lifestyle as do we. And just like they did I imagine there will be a day when I (or my owner) will have an honest open conversation about such things. I want them to know there is a lifestyle that exists like this, and make their own decisions about what to do with that knowledge. Unlike my mother though, I will try to tell them at some point in their life when it will be helpful to them if they need that. I suspect one or two of them may be exactly like us. As an adolescent I struggled with my strange thoughts and feelings. It never even occurred to me there were others like me. And it was happening right in my own home! It would have been some helpful knowledge at that time.

But for now it is my priority as a parent to not spoil their innocence in any way. It is a precious thing and my children are a far higher priority then this life I lead. Don’t misunderstand, we are very serious about our lifestyle, and it does not take a break ever. But when it comes to my children they just don’t need to know about this thing right now.

It must be ridiculously obvious to my children who “wears the pants” in the family. But they think only that. I don’t address my owner with things like “mistress” or even call her my “owner” with the children about. We do have ways of communicating that are our secret way when they are about. We have code words for different things that mean one thing to an uninvolved bystander but a completely other thing to us.

There are obvious and subtle ways that one can serve without making ones submission obvious. You are just simply fulfilling the things that need to be done about the house. Like making breakfast, picking up the kids from school, doing the grocery shopping, and a thousand other mundane tasks your owner may not particularly enjoy. While those of us who enjoy service will be very happy to do those things.

Now BDSM play is a whole other matter entirely of course. I know this sort of thing is probably not an option for a lot of people, but this is one reason we hired a nanny for the kids. She manages to keep them busy and away from the house on activities quite often. And even our teenager enjoys going out with them from time to time, but being a teenager she also has her own life and priorities at the moment, and most times that does not involve hanging around her boring parents. Most of the time she goes out with her girlfriend and they are gone for as long as we allow her.

There are numerous things in BDSM that one can do to be discreet while living with children. Wax play, needles, bondage on its own is quiet of course, and if you want to do the spanking thing there are numerous implements that are themselves silent. Now keeping a sub quiet is another matter entirely but that is where a good ball gag comes in handy. There is also something called figging, which by a quick look around the Internet I see has become quite popular.

So having kids can be a challenge in this lifestyle but I do recommend being honest with them at some point in their life. They deserve to come to this knowledge just as much as other things in this life. What they choose to do with said knowledge should be up to them. Try not to be disappointed when they choose one way or the other too. Remember they are doing that because it makes them happy. You will have to trust them that they (or their owner) will keep themselves safe.

These are just some of my varied thoughts on this. I hope to hear from others on their opinions. Thank you.

Christian is a switch male of the D/s lifestyle for the past 14 years. He was introduced to the lifestyle and the society that at that time was extremely underground at 18 years of age.  He was raised (unbeknownst to him until just recently) in a D/s household as well. In addition his grandparents also were of the lifestyle. Christian am currently collared to his owner of 10 years who is bi-sexual and also has another female submissive. You can contact him at christian0539@gmail.com

Juggling Daily Life and Submission

We all have responsibilities in life. The family needs to be taken care of and fed, you have to work, pay the bills and keep the home repaired. Kids have to be cared for and carted around from games to classes to other outings. There are days you feel that there aren’t enough hours in the day and you haven’t even had time to say hello to your Dominant let alone serve him as you’d like to. How is it really possible that all the stories you hear about submission really happen? Are they living in a vacuum?

Once the fantasy of ideal submission settles and the excitement of trying something new fades you realize that life will continue whether you are submissive or not. The real truth is that you can be submissive during all of your everyday too; just toned down or hidden. As I’ve said here before, submission in a lifestyle sense isn’t what you do, it’s who you are. You can’t just take off the submissive hat. Here we are, living as we need to do and submitting. That is the new ideal.

So, when you go to work or make dinner you are still serving your Dominant with everything you do. Perhaps you work to pay bills. This helps provide your Dominant and yourself (with family) someplace to live and enjoy life together. Turn on that internal voice that continues to say, ‘What would my Dom think of this action or that behavior?’ As you hear it throughout the day, make the judgement calls based on what he or she would say. Change the way you think about everything you do.

It is true that the struggles of life can get in the way of play time or frequent sex or intense D/s sessions. We all suffer it from time to time. What is still true in those instances is that you are still submissive. You may not be showing it outwardly as often but it’s there because it’s a part of you. All throughout the blogosphere and in conversations on groups you hear of submissives struggles with times that life gets in the way of their dream. Never give up of that dream; but realize that priorities change.

What? Do I mean that after all the talk of submission being who you are that you can decide not to be submissive? No. What I mean is that just like everything else in life, it ebbs and flows. Some moments will feel very submissive to you and others the submission will be just a hint of your self. Accepting that the ideal life can’t be everyday all day is just a part of growth and development. Sometimes you will be a parent first and submissive second, you could be employee first and then spouse with just a hint of submission.

The important thing to remember is that the submission is still there! Just like how you were before you found submission as your calling (however strong it is), you can be just as successful of a person with just a hint of submission than when it’s flaming out in radiance of your submissive.

I may be living the perfect life for me, but it’s not for everyone. Find that perfect balance for you.

How do you juggle your daily life and your needs to be submissive? I’d really like to know how you accomplish it.

photo by jayniebell

Personal Hiatus: Death in the Family

Due to the death of my loving StepMother from Mesothelioma I will not be posting here until I return from her memorial and comforting my father. I am driving to Richmond, VA and expect to be gone around 10 days. May she rest in peace now that she is no longer in pain. Prayers, thoughts and candles lit in her memory would be welcome but not required. Her pain is now gone; her memory still bright in our hearts. I will miss her dearly. My heart breaks even though I know she is now free.

Please feel free to read the archives here and comment on posts that interest you.

–lunaKM

PS: Please continue participating in the 2 Book Contest. I will announce the winner upon my return.

artwork by Sir George Clausen

Know Your Manners when Visiting D/s Friends

Accepting an invitation to visit friends that are into BDSM or the lifestyle can lead to a wonderful experience and the development of close friends. That is if you keep yourself aware of house rules and relationship dynamics. 

Generally speaking, a couple of D/s friends are not going to drop their dynamic around you since they know you are into BDSM as well. This could lead to some awkward pauses or mis-steps on your part if you aren’t used to hanging out with them.  Here are some things to keep in mind.

• Ask before showing up if you need to give them a head’s up you are on your way. Some people are more comfortable without clothing on and this would give them time to dress.
• If you would like to meet in a vanilla atmosphere, let your friends know. They will certainly shift gears if it will make your more comfortable. If you like the protocol displays and are comfortable with it, let them know that also.
• Be on your best behavior until you learn how the house is run. Just like at your family’s place; you could have to take your shoes off when entering the house, offer to help with the meal or drinks if they are being served and don’t snoop around rooms that you don’t have permission to be in. 
• Don’t correct the submissive’s behavior, word choice or mention thier attitude. That is not your job. Doing this could not only embarass the submissive, but anger the Dominant. 
• Do not assume that play will happen. D/s couples and friends don’t play every time they get together. If play was not mentioned on the invite, expect that it will not happen. 

Yes these can seem common sense, and I’m so glad you would think so. Not everyone has this information at hand and that’s why this post exists. What other tips do you have for someone that may have never been invited to a D/s household?

Accepting 24/7 D/s as Real

Part of the typical criticism of D/s full-time is that it can’t be real. No one can live 24/7 D/s. I hear it a lot. These people say that life gets in the way and you can’t be Dominant and submissive all the time. The people that say they can’t lead a 24/7 life always throw excuses in the mix that sound something like this:

Kids get sick, job gets busy, your friends ask more of your time. You can’t be D/s during these exchanges, that’s real life, that’s what gets in the way of living the lifestyle 24/7. No one can avoid it and no one can be in the role all the time.

I beg to differ. It’s a matter of setting priorities.

For lifestyle submissives, submission isn’t what they do, it’s who they are. They can’t change that anymore than the color of their eyes or who their family is. It’s a part of them. To tell them that they can’t be who they are all the time is absurd in those situations. We all wear different hats; the parent hat, co-worker hat, concerned friend hat and so forth. These hats dress your core person. A lifestyle submissive isn’t wearing a submissive hat.

This is the sort of person that generally argues against the ‘24/7 is not real’ camp. For them it’s all they know. Their job, their relationships, their family all fall under this 24/7 life. They know how to manage the role in all of the situations that everyday life throws at them because they don’t have to wear the hat. Natural submissives usually have an easier time at this, but I know many submissives that found submission late in life and have made submission who they are.

That isn’t to say there are those who choose to wear a submissive hat. There are plenty of them, and for them it can be true that 24/7 D/s just can’t happen. That’s because submission isn’t in their core person. It’s a hat they wear when they have time, or are in the right moment. They can not have 24/7 D/s.  That doesn’t make them any less of a submissive and I think that’s the main argument between these two camps.

No one wants to feel that they are less than another. Submission is submission, but so many people have a drive to compare themselves; either to be better or to find fault in themselves. Neither of these ideas is healthy.  As I’ve said many times on this blog, your submission is unique and the reason there isn’t a manual is that each path is different. You may pick another journey up the submissive mountain. The goal is the same and when you stand up on the peak, remember that there are so many further down the mountain having a similar struggle as yours.

If you take your lifestyle into 24/7, that is your reality. You focus your life around this and most can find it quite fulfilling to do. Accepting that not everyone can get there is a part of accepting your uniqueness.

Develop your reality to be worthwhile for your relationship and you may find that your side of the mountain is easier to scale and full of rewards.  The only real life is yours.

photo by shattered.art66

Can I Be Abused in a BDSM Relationship?

This week’s video post is about BDSM vs. Abuse.

A BDSM relationship, especially one with sadomasochistic moments, is subject to questions all the time about it’s proximity to abuse. It is not uncommon to have people unfamiliar with BDSM to say that what we do is abuse and violence; we see it all the time portrayed incorrectly in the media. Others associate criminal sadists with the BDSM scene, again something we have to struggle against.

A healthy BDSM relationship is one where people exchange power, sensations or experiences in a consensual, mutually fullfilling way. These exchanges increase self-esteem and all parties are are actively invested in the well-being of their partners and themselves.

The core of BDSM is consent. No one will disagree with this. We are all aware, hopefully, that abuse is not consensual. If you feel that what is going on is ‘not right’ then you certainly should investigate if it is abuse or not. Some of what you may feel could not be abuse at all, but it’s good to know for sure. The harm associated with abuse can be physical, emotional, mental, sexual, social or economic.  Here are some thoughts on whether the BDSM relationship you are in might be abusive from The National Leather Association-International Domestic Violence Project.

• Abuser may coerce or force a victim into agreements without their full informed consent, especially long-term contracts with newcomers.
• Abuser may manipulate a victim into financial or emotional dependence without taking precautions should conflict occur or the need to leave arise.
• Abuser may exert non-consensual control, dominance or abuse of a partners children or make demands that go against maternal or paternal responsibilities. (I.E. Restricting access to children as punishment.)
• Abuser may use threats of abandonment or loss of current5 contract if new demands are not met.
• Abuser may force victim to do things alone, together or with others in ways that violate or compromise previous negotiations.
• Abuser may use name calling, mind games, denial of human necessities like food, water, shelter as needed, health care and so forth, especially in ways that reduce a victim’s self-esteem.
• Abuser may threaten to expose victim or your lifestyle to ‘vanilla’ co-workers, family members, or children.
• Abuser may initiate inappropriate or harmful punishments or withhold appreciation or affection as punishment.
• Abuser may deny a behavior is abusive and/or may minimize abuse. The abuser may also accuse you of making abuse up, not being submissive/Dominant enough, and so forth.

Trust your instincts. If you feel in danger, make a plan to get out.

You might also be interested in

Simply Service Newsletter from November 2005

Included in this edition:

• My Journey by slavedebbie
• Community Unity by Master Kalan
• Declutter 101 by Tante Jen
• Metamorphosis by slave a
• Naturally Polyamourous by Mistress Pamela
• Essay by E Missy Hall
• Intimate Partner Abuse in the BDSM Lifestyle by sequi

Just Wait Till Your Father Gets Home: Telling Your Family

This post is from Norische. She allows anyone to post her articles anywhere they will do some good. I could not come up with a better way to say what she does in this article. Please enjoy and comment! I’d love to hear if you have told your family and how it went.

“So what are you, some kind of Satanist, or what?” This was one of the first things my sister said when she walked into my house.

It had been almost a year since I had seen my sister, she doesn’t live that far away but she has alwaysbeen a little on the judgmental side and so she and I have never truly been that close. She stopped by my house not long ago, no phone call, no warning, she just popped in for a visit…thankfully she didn’t have her two young sons with her. I am very open about my choices and my lifestyle, however I have never breached the subject with either of my sisters.

When you walk into my parlor/office the first thing you see is a wall of “toys”. Floggers, whips, paddles, and canes of all types, along with a large grouping of miscellaneous torture devices and implements of all types which decorate one half of the room. Of course chains, suspension devices, harnesses, and stirrups also embellish the archway to my dinning room. A leather-covered horse sitting right smack dab in the middle of the office also seems rather conspicuous as you walk into the room.

Normally I am very proud of my lifestyle choices and have no problem talking to anyone about the interesting and useful items that decorate my home. However, when my sister walked into my house I was literally at a loss for words.

To help you understand a little better, let me describe my sister a little to you. My sister and I are 16 months apart in age, I am the youngest. She is married and has been for several years; she was 24 yrs old before she went out on her first date. The first man she ever kissed is also the only man she has ever kissed, her husband. She lived with my parents until she moved in with her husband and his parents. She now has two young sons, ages 9 and 5. The have a nice little house in a nice little neighborhood and she is the picture of the perfect wife and strict mother. She is very active in her church and is a model of the average clean cut, straight-laced woman in her community.

When my sister first walked into my home I thought about how she would react, and then I worried if she would be offended and finally I wondered if she would even understand my lifestyle and the items in my home. Well to make it simple not only did she not understand the things that she saw but she also was completely clueless about what the BDSM lifestyle is truly about. At first she blushed and avoided looking at the floggers and whips, I could tell that she was very uncomfortable. I began to talk to her as I do with anyone; hoping that my openness would show her that there is nothing wrong or “sick” about the way I live my life. I also tried to help her understand the difference between the facts and myths about BDSM.

Myth:

All BDSM involves pain, or inflicting pain.

Fact:

There are several different types of Domination, some do indeed involve pain but others do not, it is a matter of choice in a relationship as to the addition or degree of pain included.

Myth:

BDSM is nothing more than kinky sex play.

Fact:

Sex may or may not be involved in a BDSM relationship; again it is a choice between those involved.

Myth:

BDSM is against God, or somehow Satanic in nature.

Fact:

There are several religions that use pain as a means of showing devotion, for centuries priest have beat themselves with sticks, whips and canes to show their sincerity to God. In many churches pleasure is viewed as the pathway to Hell, hence it has been summarized that pain must be the pathway to Heaven. From the Sun Dance of the Native Americans to the Flagellants of the Philippines pain has been viewed as a means of getting closer to God, not as a sin.

Myth:

BDSM is abuse.

Fact:

It is understood within the BDSM lifestyle that all activities must be consensual, even slavery. Before an individual can be a slave they must agree to the requirements, rules, and behaviors that are expected, before he or she is accepted as a slave. Once an arrangement is made, they seemingly loose the ability to say no, but this is untrue. Depending on the negotiations and the original contract the slave may be given certain rights or may wave those rights…but the fact is that the choice is theirs to accept the arrangements or to refuse. Safe, Sane and CONSENTUAL.

Myth:

BDSM is not normal.

Fact:

“Normal” is defined in many ways. Most people define normal as what is considered socially acceptable by the majority of the populous. If this is an accurate description then no one can be considered normal. Are Jews normal or are Christians normal? Are heterosexuals normal or are homosexuals normal? Are Native Americans the normal ones or is it the African Americans that are normal? Is it normal to be rich or poor? Is it normal to be married or divorced or single? Are you normal if you have a college degree or if you don’t have a high school diploma? Personally being “normal” is way over rated…I prefer to be unique, an individual.

After I spent my afternoon explaining my lifestyle to my sister, she began to understand a little about my life. However even with all the information I gave her, the last thing she stated to me was “Well if this is what you want then, I guess it is ok. I just want to let you know that I will not be bringing my kids over again.” With that she left and since then our communication has been limited to polite conversation. She hasn’t brought up our conversation again nor has she come back to visit.

I have never truly feared speaking to my family about my lifestyle nor have I ever avoided the subject or lied about my life…however, I have always known the reaction that I would encounter.

From my daughter I have had open acceptance, she was raised to accept all those that make the universe unique and wonderful. As she grew up she was slowly, and I stress the word slowly, exposed to alternative lifestyles. When she was 19 yrs old I felt she could understand enough about my lifestyle choices that I decided to get a slave. At first she didn’t know how to handle it, after they talked for a while she understood better and they became friends, and remained so even after his release. When we moved from Arkansas to Missouri I waited a couple of years and then got a submissive male as well as a male slave; my daughter began to understand the difference between the two. She honestly had no patience for the submissive but loved having my slave around. I never exposed my daughter to the S & M side of things but she was not ignorant either. It didn’t honestly shock me much when I found out she had bought a pony whip, the only thing that I wanted to know was she giving or receiving…I never asked, some things a mother just doesn’t need to know.

From my mother I had a confused understanding, she accepted the need for control and obedience but she could not understand the involvement of pain. My mother was a traditional Native American, our tribe is matriarchal…the women are in charge. I was raised by a strong woman, amongst strong women, and therefore the desire for control comes quite natural. She may have only been 4 foot 11 inches tall but it always seemed the whole world trembled at her command.

From my father I have been shunned, after my mother’s death my father remarried and the individual he married is a racist and a bigot. Since then his wife has seen to it that we no longer speak, nor am I allowed to go to my mother’s home.

From one sister I have been given a polite acknowledgement, simply put she is ok with my choices as long as they do not affect her or her family. Being Christian does not necessarily make one close-minded but it definitely narrows the realm of acceptance. Even though my sister goes to a more progressive church, she is still limited as to her interpretation of acceptable behaviors, and lifestyles.

From my other sister, perhaps some day I shall breach the subject, but not yet.

Do not fear what your family with think, or say, or even do. The only thing you should fear is ignorance. If someone does not accept your lifestyle that is ok, they have the right to their own opinions. If someone avoids associating with you because of choices that you have made, this too is a choice, it is their choice.

A slave I had in the past was faced with a horrible dilemma, lie to his family or admit his lifestyle choices and face the consequences. He refused to lie and when asked he explained his role in my house to his family. They threatened to have him committed, to take away his car (which they had paid for), to pull his college scholarship (which they had set up when he was a small child) and disown him. Rather than shame his family he asked to be released, I have not seen him since.

Pretending to be someone you are not is almost as difficult as trying to hide who you really are. Be proud of yourself, your choices, and your way of life. You do not need anyone’s approval, acceptance or understanding…it is a welcome gift that your family and friends can give to you but it is not necessary nor should it be expected.

As with everything this is my opinion, take what you will and leave the rest. If you wish to contact me, my email address is Norisch1@mchsi.com. If you wish to see more of my work you may find a complete listing of all my writings at…. http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Norisches_Quill/ in the files section.

Cyber Submission and Exploring D/s Online

Review: Different Loving

Today’s BDSM lifestyle practicioners thrive on real experiences to help them learn and grow within thier own personal choices. Many books written for the beginner are not so filled with real life stories as Different Loving. I chose to review this book here because I know I learned more about myself and what I wanted to be involved in than any basic ‘this is BDSM’ book I had read previously.

Different Loving by Gloria Brahme, William Brahme and Jon Jacobs is yet another book recommended for the BDSM beginner, but not one that I would recommend as a first book. Yes, it is a fantastic resource for those wanting to know what people within the scene really think about differnet activities and aspects of BDSM. Because the reading is more textbook in format with profiles and extensive interviews, it may not be as friendly to read as some other recommended reading.

When you flip through the book, the first think you may notice that unlike other beginning BDSM books, there are no pictures. This is an educational view on D/s pure and simple. Broken into seven sections to focus on different aspects of BDSM such as the relationship, SM, body modification, gender lines, fetishism and watersports. Each section has interviews and uses quotes intensively to discuss each idea or activity. You get to know real people and learn BDSM away from the fantasy of it.  Every section has a definition of the activities described and wonderful supporting information. Interviews follow with profiles of people participating in the activity or practice. You get a feel for what happens and some clever stories of scenes and people’s lives.

The history of the activities is researched and shared so that we can find a beginning point for human desire and sexual curiosity. I especially appreciate the beginning chapters on the history of D/s and BDSM from Victorian roots. The authors describe the methods, physchological bases and the history of each activity as you learn from several hundred interviews throughout the book that you are not alone in your explorations.

Buy Different Loving: The World of Sexual Dominance and Submission

Daddy/Little Girl Relationships: A Personal Look

This is a guest post by ~melly. She’s in a Daddy/little girl dynamic and volunteered to write this post for Submissive Guide.

i’ve slept with a teddy bear all my life. this may seem insignificant, but it’s really not,. i had my teddy bear with me when i moved in with Master. i held him every night, and was tucked in with him when Master sent me to bed. When i was moved into a kennel for sleeping, the bear moved with me. This was the jumping off point for my D/g relationship with Master. When reaching for my bear one night, i felt especially “small”. i whined in a very little-girl-like manner. And looking up at Master, i felt comforted in a way that piqued something in me.

Later, i expressed to Master my little girl inside. i’ve always been child-like in my wonder and expression of joy and sadness, and Master had told me it was one of the things that endeared me to Him. He had me write an essay about being little, about wanting a Daddy. i poured out my feelings, and when He had me read my assignment aloud to Him, i was in tears. i blushed and was embarrassed at my desire to be little. i was shy about my connection to the little inside me. i was worried that He might reject that part of me, and be unwilling to be my daddy.

All those worries were very much in vain. i first called Him “Daddy” when He was tending to a wound on my hand (a splinter, gone infected.), cleaning it because it was awkward for me to reach. the alcohol burned, and i was shocked at my own self to hear a gasped “Daddy!!” leave my lips. He didn’t even blink. He just kissed my forehead, and told me, “Daddy doesn’t like hurting you like this. it’ll be over soon.” He was right, of course. The pain subsided, and the wound healed over the next few days, but i wrestled with that word, that place. Master, however, was already settling into His role, and later, when i asked Him if it was okay that i had called Him “Daddy”, he smiled gently, and hugged me close. No other answer was needed.

Over the past two years, my little and Master’s Daddy have grown into each other. And the two of us have settled deeply into those places with each other. i read to Him from my Nick Jr. subscription. He laughs and traces the mazes when i tell Him i can’t find the path. i can see His pleasure when i am excited and giggle. i put my arms around His waist, and He holds me and tells me i’m a good girl. and i am. inside our D/g dynamic, i have an innocence, a simplicity, that can’t be had elsewhere. i have an excitement and a wonder that is unsurpassed. i have a trust that can’t be broken. and Master takes all these things, and gives me the counterparts. He is the strong Daddy. He is the comforting hand. He is the responsibility that i can’t handle.

Ageplay, for some, is a separate activity from their everyday selves. Sometimes, i am more or less little, but i have not engaged in separate roleplay style “ageplay” for quite some time. Why? Well, because at some point, i stopped separating my little and my grown up selves. i embraced my little, even in the midst of being grown-up melly. My Master/Daddy understands this. We shifted into that gradually. Initially, i would put on a special t-shirt, put my hair up in braids. Turn on the TV to cartoons. It would take me a bit of time to “get into” being little. Now, it’s natural, and an inclusive part of my behavior. i don’t dress a particular way, or do anything special to send me into little space, though sometimes, i’ll pull my sippy cup down, and i often color to relieve stress and gain a sense of achievement from Master by showing Daddy my pretty pictures.

The D/g dynamic has vastly improved our relationship, because of the behaviors inherent in being little. trust, often fostered over a long period of time, came quickly. Fears were lost in the face of the wide-eyed wonder of a child. Communication flows freely between little melly and her Daddy, and she never has to worry about being judged. Even in the BDSM sense, things that grown-up melly might feel shame for become innocent in light of a child’s sense of exploration. Fears are only fears, and can be overcome. When i AM afraid, i can be comforted, and allowed to cry.

Emotionally, i am more stable when i am able to actively engage my little on a continuous basis. Mentally, i am more whole when i can allow this part of me to not only come out, but be ever-present. It IS who i am. i can no more erase her than i can erase my hand. Even if i remove it, there will be a stump, and something will be missing.

Just tonight, i asked Master, “Why do you like being my Daddy?” His response: “I don’t know… there’s just something about it. something .. important.” Indeed. Something very important. To us, having this dynamic is a closeness and a comfort. Master has never been a Daddy before. i’ve never been able to integrate my little into myself as fully as i have. Actually, i think i am about as fully integrated as i can get. And i think that’s very very good, for both of us.

i do realize that not all people do it like we do. It is perfectly fine to put on your hair ribbons and ageplay a single scene every few weeks. That’s just not what we do. i’m a 24-7 little girl, just like i’m a 24-7 slave. Sometimes, it’s more overt, sometimes, more subdued, but it is a very real and very important part of who i am. i am growing into BOTH of those identities more fully every day, learning more about myself in the process. i honestly hope i never stop!

Every night, i tell Master, “You’re the best Daddy in the whole world…” and true to His form, He replies, “i’m really glad you think so.” He IS the best Daddy for me. And i am the best little girl for Him. it’s now integral to our relationship, not added on. it’s who WE are.

~melly is the full-time live-in slave, partner, and little girl of Syr David. She has been His property for two years, and has been His little girl for the majority of that time. She enjoys knitting to calm her mind, baking to feed her soul and her family’s tummies, and proudly wears her Master’s mark in tattoo and brand, as well as wearing His collar. They live in Northwestern Arkansas on a five acre farm with Syr David’s other partner and their three cats, four horses, and dog, all of whom making melly’s cleaning responsibilities as a stay-at-home more immediate. she loves them anyway.

Standing at Attention [Day 2 - 2WBSP]

Today’s challenge  in the two week project here at Submissive Guide is all about standing at attention.

One of the most common ways you can present yourself as submissive to a Dominant is by the way you stand. You may do it now even though you don’t have any specific rules as to how to stand. Pay attention next time you are standing by your Dominant. Are you on the right or left? Do you stand in line with them, a bit back, a bit in front? Where are your hands? Where are your eyes?

Part of a nice looking position is being aware of every part of your body. Make mental notes about how you stand both in your partner’s presence and away from it. Does it change when you are just with friends or family? What makes it different?

Try It

Today we are going to try to practice different ways to stand at attention. Try each of these positions for 10 mins or more. Remember to stand with soft knees, don’t lock them. You can stand longer that way and are less likely to faint in long periods of standing. Test out different ways to rest your hands and eyes. Place them at your sides, behind your back, crossed in front, clasped at the waist, etc. Do you like your eyes up, or down? Do these positions in front of a mirror if you can.

1. Stand fully erect with hands at your sides. Place your feet together or within 3 inches apart. Relax your knees. Test out the different hand positions.
2. Stand fully erect with hands at your sides. Place your feet hip distance apart. Relax your knees. Test the different hand positions.
3. Stand fully erect with your hands at your sides. Place one foot perpendicular to the other in a ballet pose, rest position. You heel should touch your big toe or close to it. Test the different hand positions.

Which of these did you like? Which didn’t you like? Write down your favorites, give them names and describe them so that you will remember them.

photo credit Madame Monnika

Two Weeks to Better Submissive Positions