Online Finds

November 16, 2009 by lunaKM
Filed under Defining Submission

What Type of Relationship Are You In [Poll Results]

June 16, 2009 by lunaKM
Filed under Relationships

Know Your Manners when Visiting D/s Friends

June 11, 2009 by lunaKM
Filed under Society and Norms

Cyber Submission and Exploring D/s Online

May 21, 2009 by Guest Author
Filed under Online Submission

Today’s post comes from Skylerpet, a submissive pet in a D/s relationship with experience in online submission. Thank you Skylerpet!

Online D/s is perhaps one of the most controversial subjects in the Dominance and submission community. The stance i will take on this subject, based on online D/s relationships of my own, is that yes; it can and does work. Is it anything like real time, face-to-face Dominance and submission relationships? No, not at all. That said, it is still very real and intense for those of us in online or Long Distance Relationships (LDR), and often can and will lead to a real-time (RT) relationship.

In my opinion, the most important thing to remember here is safety. There are a few things you can do to keep yourself safer while in an online relationship, or looking for someone to begin a relationship with online:

First and foremost do not, under any circumstances, give out your home address before you have really gotten to know this person. Wait a few weeks, or even a few months. While in the end you must use your own judgment, if you have any “red flags” about the person you are chatting with do not give out personal information.
If you and your online partner really want to exchange things via “snail mail” but you still do not want to give out your home address, get a post office box.
Along the same lines as not giving out your home address, do not give out other important information such as your social social security number, debit/credit card pin numbers and so forth. These things may happen once you are in a stable, secure, full-time real time relationship, but until then keep these things to yourself.
If the person you are chatting with asks for your home address after a few days and you decline, they should respect that, they should say they respect that, and then they should leave it alone. If they do not, that is a big red flag for you. Reconsider this relationship!
One other thing you must think hard about is exchanging photos of yourself. This is especially important if the photos are nude, fetish or kinky. Once a photo is on the internet, you no longer have control over who sees it. You must take into consideration what would happen if family, friends and/or co-workers found naked and/or kinky photos of you. And also please keep in mind, while you may simply be emailing the photos, once the recipient has them, s/he may do with them as they please. If you are going to be “free” with your photos, you must be able to accept and cope with other’s seeing them, and the possibility of them being posted online. These also applies to webcam usage. It’s very easy to download a program that can capture what the user is looking at on their computer screen. This can include the webcam video of you doing whatever it is you are doing for your online D/s partner. These can be saved, and then uploaded to many websites.

Alright, safety aside, perhaps the most commonly asked question is “Why online??” “Why LDR??” Well, the answer is different for everybody. I will go over a few of the answers here.

First many of us enter online and/or ldr’s because we are in a community with a small to no D/s presence. This is the primary reason for me being in an online/ldr right now. The community i live in is quite conservative and the local BDSM community is incredibly small and quite frankly not safe in my opinion. As such, i am choosing to be in a long distance relationship with my Master until i can be closer to Him.
Secondly, many online D/s’ers do so because they are in other relationships, perhaps even married and use the online D/s relationship to get their Dominance and submission needs fulfilled. And so long as the Dominant or submissive is fully honest with all of their partners, can be quite successful. If this is you, i urge you to be honest with your real time partner. While there often is no sex involved, it is still another relationship and in my opinion, you owe it to your real time partner to be honest about those needs and how you are getting them fulfilled. And you also owe it to your Dom or sub that you have another relationship.
Another reason is that some use an online D/s relationship to learn more about Dominance and submission. To see if it’s something that they may be interested in for a real time experience. While i do agree that it is nothing like the real time thing, there are many similarities, which i will go into shortly, and can be a good primer to see if something more intense would be a right fit for that individual.
A fourth reason is that the person simply does not want the real time thing. They want the, for lack of better words, pseudo- or watered-down version of a Dominance and submission relationship that an online relationship can provide. My opinion of this is: whatever makes them happy. If that’s how they get their needs fulfilled, the all the more power to them.

Now that we have the “why’s” aside i am sure you are wondering “HOW??” “How is it done??” Well, there are several ways.

When it comes to giving tasks, orders and controlling the submissive’s life, orders can be given in many ways. Please remember the safety talk above. Most of these will come after you have established the trust with your partner:
- A favorite of mine is text messages. I love that Master has the ability to text me an order. How does He know i did it though? Well that is…
- Photos. You can take photos of your completed task and picture mail them to your Master. (i must say this is my favorite thing to do for Master…especially when it’s a surprise. This is something you real-timers can do to! Surprise your Master with a photo of you doing something He just loves) You could also take photos with a digital camera and upload them then email them to Him as “proof.”
- Webcam. While you are chatting online you can turn on your webcam and your Master can watch you actually perform the task.
- Simple honesty. There are some things where you will only be able to answer questions about after you have done it. As such, if you are unable to provide an apt description, your partner will know you didn’t do it.

Online calendars and email reminders. This can be handy if your Dom wants to randomly give you tasks for the week/month. I’m quite fond of Yahoo’s calendar system for this. The tasks can be set into the program and it sends you a reminder email. Another nice thing about it is you can program in your work schedule so your Dom knows when you’re at work and can thus alter the tasks to fit a work environment.
Daily emails and/or blogs. Master wants me to do daily blogs as a way to “keep up” with how i am doing, etc. This can also be a way for your Dom to know what you do during your day, etc. Another thing this is good for is writing “reports” or “essays” for your Dom that S/He assigns you. I’ve seen both real-time and ldr couples doing this, and i myself quite love it.
Self bondage and other self-induced bdsm play. For this please keep in mind bdsm safety. But, many things you can do is under-the-clothes bondage, using things such as pleasure (ben-wa) balls, and/or anal beads under your clothes at work and/or simple breast bondage. With this you’re limited to things you can do to yourself, but it’s still fun and it’s getting a little of the “kink” in your life.

Well that’s a pretty basic, partially detailed description of how we do online/ldr D/s relationships. I would like to mention that i’m sure you’ve noticed i used “real time” instead of “real life.” The reason i did this is because for those of us in online/ldr D/s relationships, they are very real to us. They simply are not face to face as live-in relationships are. While i am not living with Master right now and am, in my opinion, way too far away from Him right now, He gives me orders and i follow them as i would if i were living with Him. The orders may be altered a bit, but they are still there. The feelings i have for Him are just as real as if O/our relationship were face to face.

Many times those of us in long distance D/s relationships, we are in them because of circumstances beyond our control. I honestly was not looking when i met Master, but it just sort of took off from there. The emotions, desires and feelings, while different than in real time, are still there and are still incredibly intense. One last word about safety:

Beware predators. Many people out there use the internet as a tool for their own pleasure, and nothing else. Someone who has contacted you because they truly wish to get to know you better is incredibly unlikely to ‘order’ you to undress on the webcam and perform some bdsm act. This is a huge red flag. As are other ’standard’ bdsm and D/s red flags:
- ‘Ordering’ you to call them Master, Mistress, Sir before the relationship is established and those titles have been “earned.”
- Similarly, calling you “slave” and other submissive pet names before the dynamics have been established.
- Expecting you to immediately act submissive simply on the grounds you are submissive and s/he is Dominant.

Also, beware those who have other relationships and are not honest about them. If they are unwilling to be honest with their husband/wife/main slave/what-have-you, what are the chances they will be honest with you?

All these safety precautions aside, the internet is a wonderful tool for meeting people. I and many others have met their Masters/slaves on it. If you are safety conscious while being honest and true to yourself, you’d be surprised what can come of it.

Skylerpet is a 24/7 submissive pup in her late 20’s. She has been into pet play since she discovered the D/s lifestyle and can be reached at: requiemskye@yahoo.com for emails and also YIM chat.

Tags: 24/7, BDSM, bdsm play, blogs, Bondage, calendar, changing, chat, community, cons, control, cyber relationships, D/s, desires, Dom, Dominance, dominant, dress, dynamic, dynamics, email, emotions, essays, experience, family, favorite, friends, guest post, honesty, information, internet, internet tools, IRC, kinky, lifestyle, love, needs, online, online D/s, online dominance, Online Submission, online training, opinion, partners, pet play, play, predators, questions, real life, red flags, relationship, Relationships, rt, safe, Safety, security, sex, short, skylerpet, slave, stress, submission, submissive, tasks, titles, trust, twitter, wants, websites, writing

Stereotyping Submission as Feminine

March 19, 2009 by lunaKM
Filed under Defining Submission, Society and Norms

1 Comment

I read in an online forum recently about the stigma that a Master or Dom should be manly or masculine. So many replied that they agreed and had found a Dominant that was physically stronger than they were. I was not in agreement and questioned why they idea of masculinity was associated with Dominance. No one took the bait and I didn’t get an answer so that one will have to wait to get an answer another day.

But I can ponder if the inverse is then true. Does being a submissive inherently mean you are feminine? This of course could work in a male Dominant/female submissive dynamic, but then again not always the case. What about relationships where the female is the Dominant? Do they suddenly become masculine?

Thinking about what you know about yourself and what you are looking for in a partner, is masculinity one of them? Does the idea of machismo really stir you? Is this where the idea that all Dominants should be masculine? Certainly my Master is a man, but he doesn’t have the appearance as a body builder or anything. He’s a technology person and spends a lot of time in front of a computer. Does this lend itself to being less masculine? No one has questioned if he’s manly and I certainly wouldn’t question it.

Is there a vision of submission that is docile, small, dainty, very feminine? Why is that? A lot of submissives don’t fit this idea of submission and are prized for who they are too. Like me. I’m not dainty or small and I only play docile on TV! Is it porn and other media that we get this idea that a submissive needs to be a certain way?

What is gender stereotyping? It is basically defined as a shared set of beliefs about purported qualities of females and males. Since most of you, my readers, are in a male-dominted culture it could make sense that men have more images of strength and power and that females have a softer, home-bound type perception. While this has adjusted somewhat with the rise of feminism, it is still out there.

Interesting essays on gender roles and stereotyping:

Gender Roles and Stereotyping

Gender Stereotypes

Gender Stereotypes and Sexual Archetypes

When did we adopt the gender stereotyping to the Dominant and submissive role in D/s dynamics? What other stereotyping to do you seen in BDSM?

I hope to talk about this more in future posts. Please provide your input in the comments. Thanks!

Tags: BDSM, D/s, Dom, Dominance, dominant, dominants, dynamic, dynamics, essays, family, female, feminine, feminism, gender, gender roles, machismo, masculine, needs, online, play, relationship, Relationships, roles, rt, sex, share, stereotype, submission, submissive

Mapping Out Your Ideal Submission

March 18, 2009 by lunaKM
Filed under Defining Submission, Relationships, Training Resume

3 Comments

Continuing the work on your training resume, I’d like to talk about mapping out how you dream of your submission being. This is a discussion of ideals and dreams. You can be as fanciful as you want right now, we will narrow things down as we go along. There are 3 things I’d like to focus on in this post. What your ideal relationship is, the structure you’d like to have and the level of protocol you dream of having. This works for kinky bedroom relationships and also full time dynamics.

Get out pen and paper because what we are going to do is make a map of our ideal relationship. If you have ever made a mind map, you know what are about to do; if not, below are some links to information about mind maps. A mind map is a colorful whole brain approach to taking notes and putting together thoughts and common ideas.

An excellent free online tool for mind mapping can be found at MindMeister.com

Ideal Relationship

Your first mind map should be about your ideal relationship and what you are looking for in a partner. As with all mind maps, the very center should be an image or central thought. Let’s put your partner there. Branching from that you can put physical features that attract you, activities you enjoy, emotional attachment levels and future desires for children, income, housing and other future wants and needs. Don’t leave anything out.

Structure

The second mind map is about the structure of your D/s dynamic. Do you want monogamy or poly-relations? Are you looking to be a pet, or perhaps a service submissive? Is Internal slavery your desire? How strict should the person be? Does punishment and discipline for rule violations intrigue you? How frequently do you want to play?

This is just a jumping off point, you can expand and explore everything you are looking for in the D/s part of your relationship.

Protocol

This mind map will probably be the most difficult. In this mind map, I’d like you to think about example rules and routine you’d like to develop. Think about how you’d like to act, what you dream about doing or saying in specific moments of your day or relationship. Do you like Gorean living? Perhaps a tiered system of a poly household? Dream up your rules and rituals that you may want to explore.

When you have completed your mind maps they should help you see how your dreams and future goals go together, how your ideal relationship is planned out in your mind and is now on paper. You can use this to help you communicate to your partner or when looking for that special person. Keep it in your training resume binder.

Building your Training Resume

photo credit by harpreet thinking

Tags: activities, D/s, desires, discipline, discussion, dreams, dynamic, dynamics, focus, Gor, help, ideals, information, kinky, learning, links, mind maps, needs, online, play, poly, protocol, punishment, relationship, Relationships, resume, ritual, rituals, routine, rt, rules, Service, skills, slave, slavery, structure, submission, submissive, training, Training Resume, wants

5 Ways to Recognize Topping from the Bottom

January 23, 2009 by lunaKM
Filed under BDSM Basics

3 Comments

Topping from the bottom is a misunderstood term in BDSM, especially if you are a novice. The idea behind the term is to actually help submissives understand their role, and isn’t more than a faux paus. During interactions with your Dominant, it’s a lesson to know that you can’t control what is going on. Topping from the bottom is when you simultaneously adopt both roles. This could be in the form of giving commands, refusing requests or moving to control the location of impacts during play. Generally it is frowned upon to try to force the dominant’s hand to do something they do not wish to do.

1. You contradict the decision of your dominant.

If you try to change his or her mind about the decision they have made, without a valid reason, you are topping from the bottom. Examples could range from trying to convince them to use a different toy because you don’t like the one they are using, to asking them if they are sure they want to eat at Joe’s Restaurant when you really want to eat at Donna’s Cafe.

2. You ignore the request or command.

This one goes without saying, but pretending you didn’t hear the request and just to carry on doing what you want to do is not appropriate. Acknowledge the request as soon as possible and follow out the command as best you can. You can always go back to what you were doing afterward. The dominant is expecting your service at all times, not just when you want to give it. Topping from the bottom can be non-verbal.

3. You ask “What is in it for me if I do x y z?”

Submission isn’t about pleasing you directly. Being directed to do something from your Dominant is to please them, and as my Master always says, “Doing things for me should be your pleasure.” Conditional submission is topping from the bottom and should not exist, you either submit or you don’t. What you get in return is up to your Dominant. Negotiating this in the beginning of the relationship is critical.

4. You pull away from physical contact.

This is a tough one, but typically in a D/s relationship you have given over control of your body to your Dominant. This means that if they wish to touch you, that is their right. Telling them with physical withdrawal that you do not wish to be touched is trying to force their decision to touch you. Removing yourself from the situation is topping from the bottom. Learn to accept the attention, no matter what it is; it could develop into a wonderfully intimate time between the two of you.

5. You say “no”.*

As a submissive you may hang on to the right to say no, but if the Dominant gives you a reasonable request and it is within your negotiated terms to do, then you shouldn’t say no. Inconveniencing you isn’t a valid excuse. Neither is I don’t want to. Your Dominant has your better interests at heart, but also their desires. Perform the task and then feel good about it. What you just did may have enhanced your relationship, or you just refreshed their coffee. Either way, life is good.

* No is an important word in a D/s relationship, but one that shouldn’t be abused. Just like safewords, this word is only to be used in non-negotiated situations or when something needs to be cleared up first. Remember: use sparingly.

What do you think? Do you know ways to recognize topping from the bottom that aren’t on this list? Share them in the comments!

Tags: abuse, BDSM, bottom, choice, conditional submission, control, D/s, desires, Dom, Dominance, dominant, dynamics, help, Impact, needs, nonverbal clues, novice, owned, play, relationship, requests, roles, rt, safe, safewords, Service, share, submission, submissive, topping from the bottom, toy

Online Finds

What Type of Relationship Are You In [Poll Results]

Know Your Manners when Visiting D/s Friends

Cyber Submission and Exploring D/s Online

Stereotyping Submission as Feminine

Mapping Out Your Ideal Submission

Ideal Relationship

Structure

Protocol

Building your Training Resume

5 Ways to Recognize Topping from the Bottom

1. You contradict the decision of your dominant.

2. You ignore the request or command.

3. You ask “What is in it for me if I do x y z?”

4. You pull away from physical contact.

5. You say “no”.*

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