Up in Flames: The Basics of Fireplay

This is another guest post for the BDSM Play Feature here on SubmissiveGuide. This post about Fire Play is by Gwendolyn. Enjoy!

I have always been a fire bug and am a volunteer fire fighter. So when I became interested in BDSM and heard about fire play it was definitely top of my list of things to try. As soon as I did I was hooked on it. There are many things that can be part of a fire play scene and I will be going over what I have experience in or know a lot about due to research.

Now, there are some things you should know about fire play. Check out the references of the tops offering it. Fire is dangerous. Yea, you may say well.. duh..  But, if you are a submissive like me, you will put all of your trust into your Top/Dom and sometimes not challenge what they doing.  I learned that by not asking about every detail of the fire play aka negotiating out your scene, you are asking to be damaged.  I have scars to prove this point. So if someone brings out a propane torch, end the scene right there.

One of the questions I tend to get often from people who have not tried fire play yet, are how do I handle the pain? Everyone has different techniques, what I have found to be most effective is focus upon your breathing. This works on any kind of play.  Find a focal point and breathe slowly. If part of the safety precaution is to have your head against a support/safety person then close your eyes and still breathe slowly.

If you would like to get in contact with me, please feel free to add me on Fetlife (SehAnru), or email me directly at gwendolynhopping@gmail.com.

Disclaimer: Do Not attempt fire play on yourself, and especially not alone if you are not experienced already. If you do, you are doing so at your own risk, and I, nor Submissive Guide nor anywhere else that this may be posted are to be held responsible for any damages that may occur. Thank you.

Safety Equipment/Precautions: People use varied types of equipment, there are the Nomex hoods used by fire fighters, fire blankets, all the way down to wet wash cloths. As a submissive/bottom don’t be afraid to ask about protective gear. Your safety should always be number one. Make sure your hair is out of the way when doing any kind of flogging or whipping. If you know you will be participating in such a scene, do not use hair spray or perfumes/colognes. Even some lotions have been known to be flammable.

Fire flogging: This is the most common which includes a  flogger made out of Kevlar rope/wicks and some have knots at the end of them not only for the stingy factor but also prevents the ropes from coming unraveled. This I have experienced many times both on my back and upon my front. It is a little more sting than a usual flogger made of leather mostly due to the knots, but the heat is incredible as it isn’t constant, but flashes.  If you have never tried this before, I would recommend just starting out on your back.

Fire Fleshing: This is where designs are made upon your body with the fuel and then set on fire then quickly blown out, wiped out, or smothered with a fire blanket.  The tools used for this vary. Some use drumsticks wrapped in Kevlar, some create pens with a Kevlar wick, and many other creative tools have been made and used. There is more than just Kevlar that can be used, but this is what I am most familiar with. This too I have had experience with both on my back, and front, and even upon my labia. Now, that.. was interesting. Though a note of caution, fire does suck out the moisture in your skin, this includes your sensitive lips, testicles, whatever you may use it on. Have moisturizer with you.. I had shriveled little lips and that was the strangest thing I have ever experienced.

Fire Whipping: Everything with fire is dangerous, but in my opinion this is the most dangerous manner of fire play as it is a single tail whip that is on fire. Some are made with leather and a Kevlar popper at the end, and some also make them completely out of a Kevlar blend then use an aluminum handle, and Kevlar popper. So far I have experienced this once and definitely will be going back for more, but it is not for anyone who does not have a high pain tolerance as it does mark, and can cut the skin.

Fire Cupping: This is an age old medical practice seen most commonly in the Oriental though has been known to pop up all over the world. Some use this as a way of blood letting, while others use it for a manner of reverse acupressure. I have not personally tried this yet, though I have heard many good things about it. Fire cups are relatively inexpensive and can be found in many places online. Always do your research on safety precautions before ever trying something like this.

Flash Paper/cotton: This has had mixed reviews from Fire Master’s and Mistress’s as when it ignites it can cause 3rd degree burns if not placed correctly aka too close together. I would recommend getting: “Flames of Passion: Handbook of Erotic Fire Play.” By David Walker and Robert Rubel with a Forward by Jay Wiseman who I have met personally.

Fire Drumming: This is where fire wands are set on fire and they are drummed against the body in rhythmic manner. This is intense as well as relaxing. Odd combination I know, but it’s true.  Think of it as a heavy Florentine flogging. So yummy.

Here is a neat little parlor trick which is cheap and easy to try, Alberto V05 mouse is flammable. Do not put this in your hair and get close to fire, we don’t want a Michael Jackson or Richard Pryor re-enactment. Make a spiral design, or any design of interest and light it. It can barely be felt, but has a very cool effect. Wipe and rinse, and repeat if you would like.

Always play safe!!

~Gwendolyn Hopping Aka SehAnru

Gwendolyn is an old fashioned Irish service oriented slave in Oregon who has been involved in the S&M part of BDSM for a little over a year now and have been involved in the DS portion of BDSM since she was 9 (Had a Domme for a mother.)So she know a lot about service. She also am a stay at home wife who works on our poly farm,  loves to craft, and is working towards writing my first of many novels. She is quite easy to get along with, and is always open to new friendships so feel free to contact her anytime.

Photo by photos8.com

Chat Night Transcript for Speaking Submissively

This chat was held on December 2nd, 2009.

~lunaKM> So tonight I wanted to talk about speech and how the way we communicate can impact our submission.

Nia> tonight’s topic really struck a chord with me

angel> same here

~lunaKM> I’ve been doing a bit of non-scientific research of my own when I am out and about and am appalled at the way we talk to each other anymore.

~lunaKM> It’s like the care and respect for strangers no longer exists.

~lunaKM> But furthermore, how we talk to our family has also gone downhill.

~lunaKM> We can take our submissive nature (whether learned or natural) and use it to bring back grace and charm to conversation.

~lunaKM> You can feel free to chime in any time thoughts pop into your head, this is an open discussion.

angel> :)

angel> i didn’t want to interrupt

Nia> ty, luna

angel> i agree with you. i’ve notice how even friends in public speak to one another…

~lunaKM> I’d like to touch on gossiping, vulgarities, person bashing and docile speech with your partner

Nia> i concur…observing my and other’s speech at work shames me

angel> my Sir always tells me that you can speak about anything, but it’s how it’s presented that makes the difference

~lunaKM> Exactly and we can cover that first since you brought it up.

~lunaKM> What’s the difference between these to requests:

~lunaKM> a. I’m going to the store Sir.

~lunaKM> b. May I go to the store Sir?

angel> b is a request. a is telling/more aggressive

Nia> i see (a) as information and (b) as a request for permission

~lunaKM> You are both correct.

Nia> i think (a) would be appropriate only as a response to a question from my Mama as to where I am going?

~lunaKM> a was the more aggressive way to voice your need to go to the store.

angel> yes…i also like Nia’s (a) too :)

~lunaKM> :)

angel> i’ll have to admit, though, sometimes it’s hard

~lunaKM> With just a slight change we can turn our requests into questions or suggestions. Words that still give your Dominant the upper hand.

Nia> yes, i agree

~lunaKM> It’s totally hard, I struggle with it all the time.

angel> oh, good. it’s not just me

Nia> i have been away from my Mama for a year…we just got back together a few weeks ago and the transition is harder than i thought

angel> i’m in the same boat with you Nia. my relationship is long distance and i fall out of it at times

angel> the speech, i mean

~lunaKM> Ok, how about these two phrases…(I’m making them up as I go)

~lunaKM> a. The house needs to be repainted.

~lunaKM> b. I’m going to paint the house.

Nia> (a) is definitely more passive in tone

angel> (a) gives the Dominant a chance to respond either yes or no. (b) takes that way

Nia> however, (b) does mean that i am taking responsibility for this chore

~lunaKM> A allows a dialog to be opened up and the Dominant to make decisions.

~lunaKM> If it is your responsiblity to maintain the outside of the house, sure it might be okay, but a cost incurred for doing so may not be.

Nia> (b) does take the risk of offending your Domme

~lunaKM> It sure does

angel> i agree

~lunaKM> Speaking passively is a safer route to take when talking directly to your Dominant.

~lunaKM> Of course it’s something that comes naturally.

Nia> do you feel that it would be the same at home as in public?

~lunaKM> Nia, do you mean in conversations with your Dominant or with everyone?

Nia> with everyone, my Mama and i work together

~lunaKM> There are always occasions where passive speech just will not work

~lunaKM> Times where authority or responsibility is necessary to claim in order to make your point. But in a relationship where your submission is on display, it’s better to be subordinant in speech as well as deed.

~lunaKM> And of course this won’t work for everyone in every relationship.

angel> i think it’s the Dominant who sets the tone as well. sometimes He/She will allow you to take more verbal control of a situation. but i agree in a D/s setting it’s safer to be softer in speech

~lunaKM> My Master hates it when I say, “Whatever you’d like” (being passive) He wants to know my opinion before making decisions and giving him no options frustrates the living daylights out of him.

Nia> i am a switch and also have a sub boi, so i have to change up several times a day

angel> that’s interesting Nia. is your boi with you while you are with your Domme?

Nia> “whatever you like” drives me crazy too, i try to make suggestions, but leave it up to my Mama to set my priorities each day

Nia> so i want to learn how to keep things transparent with my speech, to emphasize my status with each of them in a non-violent manner

angel> i imagine that it is tough to switch verbal gears in that situation. i find it hard to do coming from work :) i try to stop and think of who i am speaking to (my Sir) before responding.

~lunaKM> So you could get really good with switching from passive to active speech. Set it up to an artform!

Nia> and i have 2 teenage daughters who are finding themselves…menopause on top of all of that! whew!

~lunaKM> lol, quite a handful

angel> lol..tough all the way around

~lunaKM> So, how about we move in to gossiping

~lunaKM> What do you feel about gossip?

angel> it’s a fine line between gossiping and sharing

Nia> it’s funny that when my co-workers are gossiping and i’m not, they seem to feel threatened…that i think i’m better than them by refusing to join the conversation

~lunaKM> I think a lot of gossiping is unrequested information about someone else. I used to be a huge gossip girl.

Nia> but i feel that gossip is usually more about the person who is gossiping

~lunaKM> I’d term that as bragging Nia

angel> how did you stop yourself from gossiping, luna?

Nia> not really, i don’t think that i am better than them…they just think that

Nia> yes, how did you stop, luna?

~lunaKM> Well, It wasn’t easy really. I decided that if the information wasn’t about me, that I had no right to share it.

angel> didn’t you feel like you would explode?

angel> :)

~lunaKM> So no matter how badly I wanted to talk about what happened at the party, etc, if it wasn’t me then it wasn’t my story.

Nia> true that

~lunaKM> At first I did feel that way; then I realized that I was not showing myself in a good light if I could simply talk about everyone else without a care for their thoughts.

angel> hmmm…makes perfect sense.

~lunaKM> I now get so many people wanting to share themselves with me because they know I will guard their trust

Nia> how do you keep from getting drawn into the gossip of others?

~lunaKM> And that really is more important.

~lunaKM> Well, I tend to shut gossip down pretty fast. I just tell them that I won’t talk about people that aren’t part of the conversation since we could be getting the facts wrong.

Nia> excellent point and idea

angel> yes, that is a good statement to use-it’s not harsh but puts a spin on it that others may not get the facts right either

~lunaKM> I’ve had to counter that once when someone kept going and asked them why they felt the need to talk about something that could hurt someone else’s reputation/feelings.

~lunaKM> I’ve wanted to say, ‘Is your life really that boring that we have to talk about other people?’

Nia> there are always 2 sides to every story…sometimes more

~lunaKM smirks

Nia> bravo

angel> :)

~lunaKM> I mean gossip is meant to puff up the person gossiping and tear down the person they are talking about, is it not?

Nia> there is so much that i can share about myself and listening to others sharing about themselves…why bring 3rd parties into it?

~lunaKM> So why do they need that inflated ego?

angel> good points

Nia> cursing, or as you called it “vulgarities”, is a character defect i am really struggling with now

Nia> any advice?

~lunaKM> Well, don’t laugh but I make up words instead of using curse words.

~lunaKM> So Jesus Christ has always been jimminey cricket

angel> i have to admit, the only time i do curse is during “relations”. i guess that’s not good either

angel> lol..cute luna

~lunaKM> lol, I can curse all I want during play/sex… it’s a turn on for both of us

Nia> lol…sorry i had to laugh :)

~lunaKM> That’s okay, sometimes Master repeats the word and I realize just how silly it sounds, but it keeps me from getting in trouble for cursing

Nia> for me it more about controlling my speech when i am angry/frustrated…the words just jump out before i can edit them

~lunaKM> Ah well that’s just as hard.

~lunaKM> The only thing for that is tempering…. mental counting before expressing your anger or frustration.

~lunaKM> It’s not something I’m good at yet (thus the fake curse words)

Nia> my Mama just gives a look, and i feel so ashamed

angel> good advice. taking a deep breath. think jimminey cricket

~lunaKM> lol

Nia> hehe

~lunaKM> the one that Master hates is when he says Son of a.. and I finish it with beehive!

angel> LOL

Nia> my youngest daughter charges me a quarter, fifty cents on sundays…i think i’ve paid for her college tuition this year

~lunaKM> that’s a good incentive if it makes a difference, although if you’ve paid tuition then it must not be so good.

angel> lol…money usually works. at least it benefits someone

Nia> well, i yell a lot during football games

Nia> but seriously, i realize how verbally abusive i can be, and want to change

~lunaKM> This is something that you can work on with your Dominant if you ask for help.

angel> maybe if you picture the look from your Mama before you say it, it will help you to cut down on it.

~lunaKM> Of course it’s going to be hard, but if you want to change and it’s a positive thing I don’t see why she wouldn’t help.

Nia> wow, i’ve never even asked for her help….thanks for the suggestions angel & luna

angel> :)

~lunaKM smiles. Sometimes it take someone else to point out the obvious.

~lunaKM> Are we ready for the last point I want to cover tonight?

angel> sure

Nia> yes

~lunaKM> I’ve seen this a lot on online forums and communities

~lunaKM> person/dominant bashing

Nia> ah, i’ve seen this a lot too

~lunaKM> In generalities it’s when someone says that someone isn’t a good Dominant based on one sided conversation, or that you aren’t a true submissive because of x, y and z. Essentially bashing teh person without all the facts.

~lunaKM> In an online community it is almost impossible to know exactly what is going on with someone when they write just as soon as they experience hurt or anger or fear. That isn’t the time to write, but so many do and it starts damaging the reputation of someone else.

angel> i’ve seen that a lot too

Nia> i understand the need to vent, but damaging the reputation of your Dominant isn’t going to help anything

~lunaKM> I tend to steer clear of these sorts of threads except to say that we don’t know the other person’s side or to recommend that the person reflect on the issue after the intense feelings have faded and they may see it in another light.

angel> good point, Nia. sometimes you do need to vent and for some, the online community is all they have. but, maybe it should be with a online friend and not a thread

angel> i wish everyone responded that way, luna :)

Nia> yes, being discrete should come first

Nia> or i wish that they could relate just their side without all of the damaging details (Dominant’s name, etc.)

~lunaKM> I agree

Nia> a saying in recovery programs is “if i am not the problem, there is no solution”

~lunaKM> I think that in those situations they aren’t seeing what THEY did wrong, only what is bothering them from the other person.

angel> exactly

~lunaKM> heh, that’s just about what I said

Nia> yeah, all i read in those posts is an invitation to a pity party

~lunaKM> no kidding and I never accept those invites.

angel> same here

~lunaKM> They are usually closed off to advice that doesn’t support their anger or frustration either.

angel> never thought of it that way, but that’s true

___

Do you have anything else to add? What are your thoughts?

photo by katie teqtmeyer

Using Contracts to Negotiate a Relationship

When you get married, you have to legally sign a document attesting to your decision to be married. The legal document can come in many forms but most have a brief section about what each party declares for the union, how they will treat each other and how commitment will be displayed (change of names usually). In a D/s relationship it is not unfamiliar to also draft a contract in which to declare your intentions with each other. These are not required, of course, and some people will proclaim the invalidity of these documents to anyone who will listen.

I feel that the creation of a contract has some very useful and valuable  importance to a growing relationship.

What are D/s contracts?

A contract is a document written up by one or both parties entering a relationship. This contract specifies the responsibilities of the people involved. It is not a standard operating procedures document and should not list all of the rules you are to be given. The important new behaviors can be listed, such as how each person should be addressed and basic behavior required of each. Keep your rules and protocol or procedures to a separate, easily changed document.

A contract has a set start and ending date. This can be a short term agreement such as for a weekend or it can be a renewable contract on an agreed upon date or annually. D/s contracts can also be permanent in nature, but for the purpose of this essay I will be covering renewable contracts.

Can we put anything we want in them?

As I stated earlier, the contract is not for every small measure of control in the relationship. It is a declaration of the commitment you both wish to have and basic means for expressing certain term changes, violations in the contract and means for dismissal. If you feel you need to write up a long list of rules at the get go, don’t. Submission is a learning process and handing someone a book and saying memorize it by tomorrow just isn’t going to happen. For this reason, the rules and structure of the relationship should be in a different, living document.

I strongly suggest D/s contracts be drafted for each relationship. Using a default one is nice to start, but you will encounter areas that you want to customize for the relationship each time you sign the contract. Use other people’s contracts as an example, but just like your relationship; it’s different so only use it for inspiration.

Are they legally binding?

D/s relationship contracts are not legally binding. They have no validity in court and you can not use them for disputes after a relationship ends. Contracts of this nature are more about the spiritual connection, the emotional and physical commitment established by the people signing it. They are morally binding. This makes it very special to the people involved.

Why should I consider the use of a contract?

You should consider the use of a contract if you are in a temporary situation and are taking a collar for a short duration. This provides an element of dedication to the experience you wish to enjoy and also lays down a foundation for how the term will play out.

Contracts also give a sense of importance to the relationship. You may feel a stronger need to work hard at problems as they arise because you have a contract. You may also feel more committed to achieving everything laid out so that your contract will be renewed.

How do I draft a contract?

Since D/s contracts are not legally binding they can take on any form that you wish them to. They can be laid out like a business contract or they can be hand-written forms that are signed. It depends on what kind of relationship you are looking for on what kind will work best for you.

Start out by making a list of all the things you think are important to have in the contract. Then go through the list and decide which ones belong in the rules list instead. Rules that could potentially evolve or diminish are good for the rules list, but not for the contract.

Then have your partner look at your list and work together to add or subtract items as necessary. Once you have an agreed list, write it up in full sentences. Decide on how long the contract should remain in effect and how a renewal is to take place; whether that be an amendment to this contract or a new drafted contract. Add a declaration at the top. Something like the following is basic and works in any situation.

We, the undersigned, declare to abide by the following items below with full commitment and awareness of our role in these items during the term this contract is in effect from [start date] to [end date].

Then make a space so that you can sign and date it. Then actually sign and date it.

What do I do if my partner breaks the contract?

How did you decide to handle violations in the contract? If you didn’t define how things were going to be resolved then it’s dependent upon you to decide what to do. The contract should have a stipulation about what to do with a violation of the contract. This can be from a re-evaluation up to a termination of the contract. It’s completely up to you. Since it’s not legally binding, the people involved are the only ones responsible for carrying this out.

Where can I find examples of a D/s contract?

If you are interested in seeing what other people have come up with for their D/s contracts, you can usually find some interesting variations. Here’s a few that I came up with while looking for research materials.

Chat Night Transcript From What is Service Talk

lunaKM> So, first I’d like to get some impression about how new you are to submission. Could you please tell me how long you have been exploring submission and if you are in a relationship right now?

lunaKM> hello aquamuse

aquamuse> Hello, I’m new of course.

eagerslut> I am in a relationship and just recently discovered I am submissive and asked my master to teach me. Previously he had other subs

selene1123> i am currently in a 24/7 m/s relationship…have been exploring submission for about 6 months

aquamuse> I am in my first positive and healthy D/s relationship now with a man who is just discovering how much he likes it when I do what he asks.

aquamuse> about 6 months.

eagerslut> We always have had a sexual d/s relationship but 2 wks ago i discovered I wanted a 24/7

pleasure> i am in a 24/7 D/s relationship for over 6 years now…..i am 53 and in the lifestyle 6 1/2 years

bc26_2> i have only been doing this since march of this year and i am in a D/s relationship for that same amount of time

lunaKM> I’ve been living 24/7 for 5 years, just so you know ;)

pleasure> smiles

eagerslut> :O:

lunaKM> Ok, so we have a range of experience levels. thank you so much for sharing with me.

pleasure> it’s an ever evolving lifestyle and growth, no matter how long one has been in it

eagerslut> That is what I believe

lunaKM> Now, what do you think service is to you? No answer is wrong.

selene1123> To me, service is anything i physically do for Master’s purpose or enjoyment

aquamuse> I’m going to venture here and say service is being totally available, open and willing to comply. This assumes my basic needs are taken care of and put to the side for the time being.

eagerslut> Doing something for someone that would make them happy,even if you don’t feel like doing it. Giving your heart and soul to please that person

pleasure> nick/pleasure…….service/submission..is all the same to me…what ever makes my Sir life easier, happier…and i might add that i am actually more a slave

lunaKM> I’ve always believed that service is a part of my submission and what I give to my Master on a daily basis. Service is, to me, the activities that help the house run, our life be enjoyable and the basic needs met.

pleasure> yes exactly luna

eagerslut> That is very true

lunaKM> But I had someone explain to me yesterday on my recent post that they believe service is separate from submission

lunaKM> and I really like that explanation she gave too.

bc26_2> i agree with service being anything that makes the house run and enjoyable…even when my Mistress is not here

selene1123> i see service as the physical representation of my emotion submission

selene1123> *emotional

aquamuse> I like that selene1123

lunaKM> I’m going to quote it here… CarrieAnn said: To me, service and submission are different. Service is something I do because I’m required to or even want to but doesn’t necessarily require that I submit to anything or anyone. I can not have a submissive bone in my body and still serve. Submission is more direct; surrender to his will, submission to his dominance. The two often merge but are not always one and the same.
eagerslut> I like that too

bc26_2> oh i like that too

pleasure> yes i like that

eagerslut> I can see that point

lunaKM> So as you can see for some of us they are the same thing, but for others they are separate

lunaKM> Perhaps that is why I see people identify as service submissives?

eagerslut> As is everything in life we are all different and we interpret things differently,from our own background

eagerslut> I like that term

bc26_2> i feel that i am in service to many — myself, my Mistress, my daughter at some level…but i submit to only my Mistress

lunaKM> If we can agree that service is likely to be activities and not emotional in nature then perhaps we can come up with a list of things that are service?

aquamuse> I can agree with the definition.

eagerslut> I am a nurse so I feel I service others on a daily basis but I submit to my MAster .

bc26_2> i agree

lunaKM> alright so is my daily coffee preparation for my Master service or submission?

lunaKM> How about the daily chores?

pleasure> i am a nurse too,as like eager, i only submit to my Sir

eagerslut> C

selene1123> i would consider daily tasks or chores service

aquamuse> by definiton – these are examples of serice.

eagerslut> keeping the house clean

selene1123> but why you do it and how you do it is an aspect of submission

eagerslut> making sure my Masters children are taken care of

pleasure> laundry, making the bed..keeping the house clean is all service…

* lunaKM nods

lunaKM> Is sex a form of service?

eagerslut> BAking.massages,listening

aquamuse> baby making?

pleasure> my Sir has set in rules for a clean house

pleasure> yes i believe that would be a service aqua

selene1123> sex to me is a form of service

pleasure> i agree selene

eagerslut> Yes I think sex is a form of service,but I love it so much it definitely isn’t a chore

pleasure> no chore here either lol

aquamuse> hehe

lunaKM> Are all things service related as chores though?

pleasure> service doesn’t have to be something enjoyed

lunaKM> I’d think that there are some things you do that you enjoy just as much as sex as service.

aquamuse> I have things like workouts and keeping a calendar updated – are these service by our definition?

pleasure> no i don’t think all things service related are chores

eagerslut> I hate to cook but I do it because my Master loves it when I do. He generally does most of the cooking but I know he is very pleased when I do

lunaKM> I believe so aqua

selene1123> service itself is enjoyable to me…even if the act i am performing may not be

lunaKM> For me that’s hard to get in touch with selene1123. I’m quite expressive in my face and even if I try not to show my displeasure at a task he tends to figure it out.

bc26_2> i agree with you selene

pleasure> yes but you are still serving luna

aquamuse> me too selene1123

lunaKM> heh, I hear that a lot from him also :P

eagerslut> I do also

lunaKM> Next thought…. do all submissives serve and do all that serve submit?

pleasure> no

eagerslut> No

aquamuse> no

bc26_2> no

lunaKM> In what way can we describe the separation?

pleasure> it’s clearly upon each individual and the circumstances of the relationship

eagerslut> I think they are interchangable

pleasure> i don’t think there is line to divide the two….they do intertwine at times for many of us

selene1123> some may serve out of necessity or arrangement (like a stay-at-home mother or father) but that doesn’t mean they are submitting

pleasure> very true

eagerslut> Yes I agree

pleasure> to submit for me is doing something i detest….and yet serving

pleasure> does that make sense ?

lunaKM> Why do you think service is held in such a high place when Dominants talk about what they would like in a partner?

lunaKM> It does pleasure.

eagerslut> I think serving is a task you can do for anyone and submission is giving your being over to your Master.

eagerslut> To establish routines

pleasure> first of all….Dominates…are predominately Male….and have different ideas and thoughts as to what serving is…it’s what and how They define it

aquamuse> I know my Lover simply enjoys the idea that I obey him in simple requests. I think the power of that has suprised him.

eagerslut> To esatblish who is in control

selene1123> i agree with eagerslut – to emphasize who has the reins in the relationship

aquamuse> I agree too with eagerslut

lunaKM> I think that since service is what they can see immediately as a result of their dominance that they tend to place that a bit higher in importance

lunaKM> submission may not be immediate, but you can serve

eagerslut> Yes how true

pleasure> yes

aquamuse> that idea works for me luna.

selene1123> i can see that

pleasure> there are those that identify as bottoms..they serve..but don’t submit

lunaKM> So is the desire to serve natural or something learned?

eagerslut> Both

aquamuse> for me it seems to be natural.

pleasure> one can only answer for themselves….for me it natural…and yet i feel it can be learned

eagerslut> Some come by it naturally but anyone can learn to serve if they desire

lunaKM> it’s completely learned for me. and it’s not coming easy, that’s for sure

bc26_2> it depends – it is natural for me

aquamuse> I read your bio today.

lunaKM> which one aquamuse?

selene1123> yes, it depends on the person…i’ve always felt the need to serve, though i never really had an outlet before Master

eagerslut> I am a mixture. I have some inherent ability to serve but I can be very selfish at times

aquamuse> Luna.

lunaKM> Oh I meant which site did you read it on

eagerslut> I agree with selene

pleasure> i am a nurse..to serve is natural….

aquamuse> Yours Luna, you mentioned that the whole submissive thing was contrary to your persona? I hope I got that right?

lunaKM> yeah, I’ve had to do some rewiring. It goes opposite to how I was raised.

lunaKM> I get the greatest thrill though when I do something in full submission mode though.

aquamuse> on the Submissive Guide

lunaKM> Which is probably why I’ve stuck with it.

eagerslut> i always thought taht being liberated and independent I couldn’t be submissive but I have found that since I have given myself over to it I am more liberated

lunaKM> There were a good 6 months I considered going Domme. ;)

pleasure> i lived in a marriage of 23 yrs, and didn’t realize till after my divorce that he was controlling..not Dominate ..there is a difference..and to the way one submits to each

bc26_2> can you describe what you mean by full submission mode

aquamuse> * smiles*

pleasure> you are free now to be who you really are inside

eagerslut> Yes controlling is different My first husband was a controller

selene1123> i agree eagerslut…Master likes to make fun of the fact that i am a feminist submissive

lunaKM> full submission mode for me is when I’m given a task and as I’m performing it, no matter what that is, I feel a peace, like all the pieces fit just right, a perfection at my choices in life.

lunaKM> I’d like to attain that as permanently as possible, but right now it’s just fits and starts.

eagerslut> You explained that beautifully

eagerslut> I will strive for that

bc26_2> nice

lunaKM> I get like a buzzing in my head almost when I get there, and my heart swells in my chest. It’s grand.

aquamuse> I wan’t that too.

pleasure> good way to explain it luna……for myself, luna, i call that “focus”

lunaKM> yeah, it is a focus, sure!

selene1123> to me, it’s a moment of perfect connection with Master

pleasure> smiles

eagerslut> :)

lunaKM> Do any of you provide any unique service to your Dominant?

eagerslut> I remodeled his home,laid tile

pleasure> well….grins ..everything from toweling Him dry after a shower..to tying of His shoes

bc26_2> wow – you go

eagerslut> Had to go to Home depot to learn that

pleasure> Dom Depot lol

eagerslut> ;)

lunaKM> Master loans me out to the BDSM communities around us when calls for volunteers are needed for events. I’ve folded pamphlets to checking people in at the door and serving as hostess.

lunaKM> He’s not as … outgoing as I am… so he says I go in his place :P

selene1123> i act as His personal assistant…He hates writing, remembering appts, anything like that so i kinda “manage” things for Him

lunaKM> I am also Master’s chauffeur. He never drives

eagerslut> I get him out of the house to exercise he hates to get going but enjoys it once he does

eagerslut> Mine hates to drive also

* lunaKM chuckles I wish I could do that for my Owner. He just says watching me is enough workout.

pleasure> we mentor others in the lifestyle..and i have given classes as other Doms request Their subs/slaves need training in areas of service that the Dom is not able to do

pleasure> (at)

lunaKM> I suppose Submissive Guide is a service I provide too

pleasure> oh yes luna !! smiles

eagerslut> Yes it helps me

pleasure> a service to all that reads it

aquamuse> Good service!

selene1123> very informative for the new slave!

bc26_2>  agreed

pleasure> being in the lifestyle for over 6 years now, but i am still a child learning my way

lunaKM> Like eagerslut said, she had to learn something in order to serve in a way or another. What have you went out to learn so that you could serve better?

pleasure> i took geisha classes ! lol

eagerslut> I love to learn and feel like I would wither away if I am not learning

lunaKM> what are geisha classes like?

pleasure> learn grace, pose …..

eagerslut> Oh I would love to do a geisha class

bc26_2> i am putting together a list for my Mistress now on things I need to learn

aquamuse> I learned the theory’s of lifting weights and started workout out.

lunaKM> oh lordy, Master would so have me in a grace and poise class in a

heartbeat.

bc26_2> lol

pleasure> it was fantastic….a part of me woke up, literally…..seeing His eyes the first time i walked in the room with out plunking down on the floor at His feet lol

eagerslut> I love the grace of a geisha. my Master lived in Okinawa and he is into that

selene1123> Master has discussed sending me to geisha classes, but the closest ones are almost 6 hours away :(

eagerslut> :(

lunaKM> awesome I doubt there are any around me, but I’m sure I can find some reference materials online ;)

aquamuse> I read that book about Gehsha. Loved it!

pleasure> google it selene…there are online sites that have wonderful tips, ect

eagerslut> I’ll do that also

aquamuse> I believe beauty is a service.

eagerslut> I have been practicing yoga and getting into position gracefully

pleasure> i may be in jeans and t-shirt one day , dirty in garden dust….but i have a feeling..of being sexy…

pleasure> oh yes i agree aqua

selene1123> definitely aqua

eagerslut> I feel sexy when I think of my Master

pleasure> taking pride in your appearance

lunaKM> Alright, anything else you’d like to cover about service?

bc26_2> yes, taking pride in appearance

eagerslut> Appearance is very important

eagerslut> I love shaving and getting ready to see him

eagerslut> He loves for me to wear dresses and heels.The heels are definately a service

selene1123> haha, my Master is the opposite

pleasure> i shave daily, sometimes twice if we are having company, for a teaching session for others ….shaving is a daily service for many subs/slaves

selene1123> i wear dresses and heels all the tim, so He likes me to wear jeans and sneakers

pleasure> your behavior…just as appearance reflects service….and it reflects back to Your Dom/Master

eagerslut> Yes my Master has already informed me of that. To speak succinctly when asked a question and to think before I speak

pleasure> yes and in a quiet tone…..

pleasure> in geisha training, words are not needed

pleasure> it’s your body that speaks for you

pleasure> the way you move….kneeling down to tie His shoe, He knows i have arthritis in both knees..that is service though painful for me

eagerslut> true

lunaKM> Well ladies that is all I have for tonight. I can stay for another half hour to chat so I’m going to open the floor for free chat if anyone would like to stay.

eagerslut> I’m going to have to get a geisha outfit now

bc26_2> thank you very much for the chat luna

eagerslut> That you for your insight luna

aquamuse> Thank you luna.

Also might interest you

Simply Service Newsletter

Rituals that Work from Those that Practice Them

The most frequent question I get asked is what is about rituals; what are they, how do I start one, are they hard, do they help with your submission, etc. They really aren’t that difficult once you understand what they are. There’s no sacred rites or incantations or anything, unless that is what you want. A ritual is a formal practiced set of rules that is done on a regular basis.

Take for example when your Dominant arrives home from work. He rings the doorbell two times and then waits 30 seconds before unlocking and opening the door. The reason for this is for you to stop what you are doing and kneel, waiting for him to enter.  This is a ritual. It’s a way to leave the work at the door and resume your submissive mindset.

You can also have meditation rituals. A slave’s rosary is a good example of a meditation ritual.

There are all sorts of D/s couples that have rituals and talk about them online. Here’s a current list of the ones I could find. If you have any rituals you’d like added to this list, let me know with a link where you’ve talked about it and I’ll add it. Thanks!

Daily Rituals

• Lord Koi and lily
• Sartan and jenni
• Dragon’s beloved
• Mistress Steele
• Various entering and leaving rituals
• Staging Sacredness

Food Rituals

• Chinese Tea Ceremony
• Food Etiquette
• Various food rituals

Ceremonies are specialized rituals. They are generally done only during very special moments.

Collaring

• Gorean collaring ceremony example
• Sample Collaring Ceremony

photo credit hall.chris25

Books That Might Interest You

Protocols: Handbook for the Female Slave

Creating a Personal Protocol

Protocol Handbook for the Leather Slave

Manual Creation: Defining the Structure of an M/s Household

Help! My Dom is smaller than me!

You’ve met the perfect person; they are strict and charming, their dominance is a perfect compliment to your submission. There is just one hang-up. They are shorter than you, or they could be smaller in stature than you. Could there be an issue with your ability to submit to someone that can’t overpower you physically or that you can’t gaze into their eyes from below?

There is a reason why it can be a problem with some people to submit someone that doesn’t fit their mental image of a dominant. It has to do with perception. You can’t assume that just because someone is shorter than you are that they can’t bring you to your knee with a word. Someone’s physical presence is not where their dominance lies. Look within and see that the dominance is who they are and they can wield power from wherever they are, not just from above.

The media has given us a stigma of the muscular, powerful dominant or the tall, busty female dominant. The vision may help fuel your dreams and fantasies but the general population does not look like our dreams. We need to step out of that 2-d environment of screen and pictures and take in reality.

Give someone a chance to show you who they are. Being open to someone that isn’t your perfect vision of dominance could lead you to your perfect partner. People come in all shapes an sizes. We all have preference for body types, and each of us has different bodies. Our submission or dominance is who we are, not what we look like. When you meet someone that is just perfect in personality, their size shouldn’t mean anything.

Even if you have accepted someone into your life that is smaller than you are, you could still have occasional issues with power exchange. In the heat of a moment you could forget that they still control you and try to force them to do your will or refuse to do theirs. They may then reassert their power over you in a corrective way.

So how do you break down your own perception barrier?

1. Analyze your reasoning behind why you find shorter people less dominant and change it.
2. Figure out why being taller makes you feel less submissive.
3. Talk to the dominant as equals and get to know them.

Do you have any ideas to share? Are you in a relationship where your Dominant is smaller than you are? Is it difficult to obey them? Why or why not?