Review: Erotic Slavehood

One of the cornerstone books recommended for submissives and Dominants alike has always been Erotic Slavehood by Christina Abernathy. Once two individual books; Miss Abernathy’s Concise Slave Training Manual and Training with Miss Abernathy, this omnibus has everything you could want in a manual about training submissives.

When I first read this book I was in awe of the depth that I could comprehend the training ideas. There were so many places that I found myself nodding my head in agreement to what she had to say. The book is a bit dated as the original books were written in 1998 but the information on it’s pages can be brought to modern times and understood with the same impact.

There is one flaw that is major to me, but may be minor to some. The book is decently put together; if you can get past all of the spelling errors. It’s like there was no editor and it can get quite annoying if you have any temptation to correct other people’s spelling. Of course, ignoring the errors is sloppy and I’m sure just overlooked due to the popularity of the book. I would like to see another updated version come out with spelling corrected some day in the future.

It has everything that even a single submissive could use to improve themselves on their own. I highly recommend the training exercises in the second book; and use them myself to bring about a better understanding of my service to my Dominant partner.

If you are looking for a step by step training manual, this book will certainly provide that. If you are looking for an understanding of training and what it can do for enhancing your relationship, this book offers that as well.

Product Details

• luna’s Rating: 8/10
• Published on: 2007-06-15
• Original language: English
• Binding: Paperback
• 192 pages

Buy your copy of Erotic Slavehood Now!

The Basics of Negotiating a Scene

It can be very scary approaching a Dominant and asking them to play with you. The butterflies in your belly can make it very difficult to take that first step. It can be every worse if you two don’t negotiate the scene so that you get what you want out of it and s/he does too. Negotiating a scene is different than negotiating a relationship. I will be covering the play negotiation in this essay.  Negotiating play is vital for new players or for those who have never played together. Once you get to know someone it is likely that unless you have something you’d really like to experience you can forego some negotiation for spontaneity.

When you are ready to negotiate with someone have in mind what you would like to experience. You can be as specific as you’d like to be. Express what turns you on and what things you have tried in the past that really did it for you. Tell them your limits; and if you don’t know your limits it’s best if you go back to do your checklist again. It will give you a clue as to what you can and can’t do as well as things that just aren’t appealing.

Negotiating pre-scene can include (from wikipedia):

• Arrangement of Roles – who will be the top and the bottom, participation of any other observers, and the way partners address each other;
• Expectations and needs of both partners – likes and dislikes of submissive and dominant partners and the ability to fulfill each other’s needs;
• Limits of the scene – boundaries that are set to define what experience is acceptable within psychological (such as humiliation, obedience or verbal violation) and physical limits (such as pain, marks and resistance to various influences);
• Types of play – practices that would be included in a scene: bondage, role-playing, spanking or sensory deprivation;
• BDSM Gear and attire – what materials, adult toys and fetish wear will be used;
• Duration of the scene – at what time the play starts and ends, who will be in charge of the time;
• Health concerns – talking over existent health problems: allergies, chronic diseases, STD’s, taking any medications and other;
• Safety measures – any safety tools to prevent situations when something goes wrong;
• Sexual contact – what type of sexual activity is accepted if any;
• Safe words – one or set of verbal and non-verbal signs that will be used to stop the play or slow it down.

More Reading:

From eHow

Learning to Kneel [Day 1 - 2WBSP]

Today’s post  in the two week project here at Submissive Guide is focused on kneeling.

Do you kneel in front of your Dominant partner at any point of your service? Is there a specific way to do that?

For someone new to BDSM, it is common to think you must kneel a lot of the time. When you are online, it can be expected that you will be spending most of your time kneeling, however in real life it may not be expected at all. My first exposure to real time BDSM involved a little bit of kneeling. I had to kneel in front of the bed and be ‘collared’ for play. This was just a playtime collar and was part of getting me in the right mind. The kneeling was just a short time and I don’t think I spent any more time on the floor like that the rest of the play time. I do not kneel in my relationship now except on special occasions.

In some relationships it might be expected to be kneeling when the Dominant enters a room or returns home from work. The position you take while kneeling is also particular to that Dominant’s desire. Can you think of other times you may be asked to kneel?

Practice Kneeling

Today’s task is to practice kneeling. Get down on the floor and rest up on your knees. Try laying your feet flat so that the tops of your feet are on the floor and rest back on your calves. Kneel with your knees together and then with your knees spread apart. Practice resting your hands on your thighs, crossing them in front of your chest, or behind your back, or behind your head. How long can you hold each of these different positions. How can you make it look graceful, composed and sensual? Try to hold the following positions for 10 mins. Do this in front of a mirror if you can.

1. Kneel up so that your body is perpendicular to the floor, the most weight will be directly on your knees. Place your knees together and then spread them apart. Try different placements of your hands in this position.
2. Kneel down rested on your calves. Rest your feet with the tops on the floor and then bending your toes under for support. Place your knees together and then spread them apart. Try different placements of your hands in this position.
3. Sit cross legged on the floor. First try it with your feet as far under as possible, then move them so that they are more in line with your knees, perhaps even on top of one another.

Which of these, if any felt the most comfortable. Which ones did you like? Which ones did you not like? Write down your favorites on a sheet of paper. Give them names and describe them so that you can remember them.

Tomorrow’s position is Standing at Attention.

photo credit notquitetrish

Two Weeks to Better Submissive Positions

Readers’ View on Polyamory

A couple week’s ago I held a Roundtable discussion on Polyamory. You had a lot to say about it.

I also had a guest post on polyamory, written by May.

Coming up this week is a second guest post about having two Dominats in a poly relationship by Aria. Keep an eye out for that one!

I’d like to share what you said in the comments. Please feel free to continue the conversation. I’d love to hear what else you have to say about Polyamorous relationships.

ellemenopea said:

What does polyamory mean to you?
Having loving relationships with multiple people

How did you decide that polyamory was something you wanted?
I didn’t really, it just sort of happened through a series of events.

How do you deal with jealousy?
Luckily, it’s not a huge issue in our relationships. Mostly, I try to remind myself that I don’t own anyone’s time. I also try to make sure everyone in my life gets some amount of time just for us.

How do you balance the relationship with more than one partner?
Right now it’s not an issue, as everyone in my life has some distance. Scheduling time is the biggest thing.

What is your support system like within the relationship?
I feel comfortable going to different people for different things, but overall, I feel that the people in my life and my partner’s lives are trustworthy and wonderful. It really gives me an extended network of people who care about me and lend a hand when necessary. It also makes me feel part of a family.

If you have more than one Dominant partner, how does the control get passed between the Dominants as it pertains to you?
There is a hierarchy in our relationship, where Sir decided who has how much control, on a case by case basis.

SereneKitten said:

1. What does polyamory mean to you? — Having more than one relationship at a time. These relationships can be very loving and committed, a “friends with benefits” situation, or a mix.

2. How did you decide that polyamory was something you wanted? — I was curious about it and wanted to give it a try. My first casual “threesome” went badly, probably due to poor ground rules. My next encounter was more structured and I set clear limits.

3. How do you deal with jealousy? — Jealousy stems from insecurity from within oneself. You have to realize your own self-worth and strengths before you can recognize that what you bring into the relationship is different from any other partner.

4. How do you balance the relationship with more than one partner? — Even if time cannot be split equally between the partners, one MUST make time for each of the other partners. Time as a group is wonderful, but one-on-one time is priceless.

5. What is your support system like within the relationship? — We are there for each other. One of our rules is that any subject is open to discussion with zero repercussions. Open, honest communication is key. We can’t know about a problem if no one tells us about it!

6. If you have more than one Dominant partner, how does the control get passed between the Dominants as it pertains to you? — Not applicable.

Obi said:

1. What does polyamory mean to you?
Loving more than one partner fairly but not necessarily equally.

2. How did you decide that polyamory was something you wanted?
I kept falling in love with a second person without wanting to give the first one up, or believing that I should have to do so.

3. How do you deal with jealousy?
Through honest and open communication, just like any other “negative” feeling.

4. How do you balance the relationship with more than one partner?
Schedules help, but again keeping everyone in the loop discussion was helps us access where the emotional energies need to be concentrated at any one time.

5. What is your support system like within the relationship?
Fabulous! All of my partners are in love with each other.

6. If you have more than one Dominant partner, how does the control get passed between the Dominants as it pertains to you?
They do not Dominate me together, but will discuss issues with each other when they arise to make sure that their Mastery is on the same page.

RequiemKittyPup said:

1. What does polyamory mean to you? ~~~~ for me, polyamory is when one person is able to have romantic and intimate love with more than one other individual.

2. How did you decide that polyamory was something you wanted?~~~ when i fell in love with 2 different men. i however do not *need* polyamory and while am open to it, i can live without it.

3. How do you deal with jealousy? ~~~open and honest communication. ensuring each person in the relationship has equal time with the other participants. ensuring that all participants are aware of everybody’s needs, wants and limits.

4. How do you balance the relationship with more than one partner? ~~~ again, ensuring that all partners have equal time. and also, ensuring that all partners speak up if something is off balance. Ensuring all know of each other’s needs wants and limits.

5. What is your support system like within the relationship? ~~~~ n/a

6. If you have more than one Dominant partner, how does the control get passed between the Dominants as it pertains to you? ~~~ i’ve never done this, but the way i would go about it would be to have one Dom be primary. Perhaps not dominant to the other dom, but have one dom be primary and if the primary dom is gone or whatever, then the control automatically passes to the other one.

photo by Sabrina Campagna

The Roundtable: Polyamory

Every so often I want to open up the blog for you to share and teach me on a topic that I don’t know a lot about. This is your chance to teach me and the other readers of this blog. I encourage you to comment, subscribe to the comments and keep coming back to add more insights.

From the Wikipedia page on polyamory:

Polyamory (from Greek πολυ [poly, meaning many or several] and Latin amor [literally “love”]) is the desire, practice, or acceptance of having more than one loving, intimate relationship at a time with the full knowledge and consent of everyone involved. The term polyamory is sometimes abbreviated to poly, and is sometimes described as consensual, ethical, or responsible non-monogamy. The word is sometimes used more broadly to refer to any sexual or romantic relationships that are not sexually exclusive, though there is disagreement on how broadly it applies.

Today I’d like to learn about polyamory as it pertains to D/s relationships. I’m in a monogamous relationship and only have limited exposure to poly friends. So, here are my questions for you:

1. What does polyamory mean to you?
2. How did you decide that polyamory was something you wanted?
3. How do you deal with jealosy?
4. How do you balance the relationship with more than one partner?
5. What is your support system like within the relationship?
6. If you have more than one Dominant partner, how does the control get passed between the Dominants as it pertains to you?

Helping Your Partner Become More Dominant

The second question I received for March question month came to me in my email.

I’m a strong person, but something in me was missing…until i admitted what i really am. I’m engaged, i love my boyfriend very much, but I decided to open my heart to him and he’s really doing his best to understand my need to surrender, my need to submit. I don’t take the topic lightly, and nor does he…but after 4 years together, I sometimes think it’s difficult…I don’t want to lose him, and i think he’s really changing. But…how can we “direct” our changings the right way? I’ve always been the strongest one in my relationships. He isn’t weak, but very calm and he has always set me “free”…too much, if i have to say the truth. I hope it makes sense…he’s understanding, we are talking about it a lot…but i need some extra advice. I don’t want to confuse him even more…

The good part from your letter was that your boyfriend is trying. That’s all it takes to begin learning and exploring. Do you talk about how you’d like to be less free? Do discussions happen away from the bedroom activities? The reason I ask is that no matter what advice I give you here you need to share all of your thoughts with your boyfriend.

Changing has to be done at his speed. If he really is changing as you say then you have to be patient and enjoy the ride. To direct your learning, I’d recommend buy a few books about D/s, join a few social forums to start finding talk points. Then get offline and away from the books and talk to each other.

Practice it for short periods, a few hours to a few days. Test the waters with something more intense than you want to do for real and see if you both fall into roles at all. Are you able to let go and is he able to take up the reigns? Make it fun, explore new things and you just might find they way for you.

Do you both have the same idea of what you’d like to try to do? Are you looking to be a service submissive or a sexual submissive? Does he want someone to do all the housework or serve his every need? Find out what each of your wants and needs from each other.

The bottom line is that you can’t make someone change if they aren’t willing to. You can’t make someone something they aren’t. If your partner isn’t dominant or can’t be as dominant that you want then it just isn’t going to happen. You have to be prepared to make that choice.

Anyone else have suggestions for this person?

photo credit TLA8

The Importance of Journaling Your Submission

Communication is one of the key elements that make a D/s relationship strong. Without good communication your relationship is destined to fail. While talking face to face may be the best way to communicate, sometimes this just isn’t possible. A submissive can be a novice, shy, embarrassed, or intimidated. With the age of the internet, distance can also be a roadblock in good communication. Dominants have to use tools to help the submissive communicate and grow.

One of the tools that Dominants can use for communication is journaling. Keeping a journal has really grown and flourished online, but long before the internet submissives kept paper journals. Now many of the journals exist online as blogs. A blog is an online journal. It’s still not unlikely now to have a paper journal and a blog. I have a blog for my everyday writing and a paper journal for the really private stuff that even Master doesn’t want to see. That one is rarely written in, but it is there if I need it.

Starting a Journal

If you are asked to or decide to start a journal of your own you should decide what sort of content you want to have in it. Many submissives record their play and sexual encounters as a part of their blog. I try to reflect on my day as a submissive and delve deep within to find out why I acted a certain way or where I can work on something related to my submission. Whatever you decide your voice may be, stay true to it. This journal, whether paper or online, is a part of you. Be honest with yourself, open-minded and introspective.

There are several blog hosting services that can allow you to have a public or private blog. They provide different looks and themes, options and features to make your blog whatever you’d like it to be.

There are several reasons why you would want to start up a blog or journal. They can be very personal or have every opportunity to be open with others. Perhaps you need advice or exposure to help you through your journey. The following methods can help you get your feet off the ground.

Journaling for Development

When I started my blog, and the main focus now, is to journal as I develop as my Master’s submissive. I try to detail my thoughts and feelings and get to the bottom of it. I tend to try to over-analyze and take a very introspective view of myself. I am overly critical but it does help me see where things are and where they may be going.

Your goal for journaling may be similar. Do you want to document your learning and growth as a submissive? Does it make you feel good to know that you have come from A to B and are better for it? Development journaling may be for you.

Take an introspective view of what you did today and how you behaved. Were there things that you feel enhanced your submission? Was there anything you’d like to work on? What about ideas for further development you’d like to look into?

Journaling for Punishment

Generally this option isn’t one you take on yourself, but is asked of you by your Dominant partner. Blogs or journals that document a submissive’s punishment and atonement for infractions can be interesting reading if done correctly. Again, it would be beneficial for you to write introspectively about the punishment, the ‘crime’ and the way you feel now that the punishment is over. Perhaps even writing about how you will improve your submission can give you a lot to learn from.

Sex Blogging

There really is an art to writing about sex, but to attract people to your form or journaling you need to write explicitly and often. A good sex blogger will not only tell the story but encourage readers to want for more. This is one of the most commercialized options, but if you are in for the long haul and can write well, this might be an option for you to explore.

Preserving Your Voice

In all that I’ve written here I’d like to remind your to keep your voice. Don’t pretend to be someone you aren’t (unless you are in a character blog). It is expected that when you journal you are telling the truth. Several bloggers that I used to follow, were shunned when it was found out that their blogs were faked and it was just a fiction blog. If you are going to write fiction, make sure your readers know that.

Your voice, the way you write and what you write about is important to you, and possibly to readers if you share your blog with the world. No matter if your blog is private, if you are honest with your feelings and emotions then it can be used by you or a Dominant partner to the best of both. Make the journal your own. Let it strengthen you. Keep it true to you.

Other Submissives’ Thoughts on Journaling

The Power Within Journaling – Life on the Razor’s Edge

photo credit Bob AuBuchon

Beginning Your Training Resume

A training resume is just another name for a folder where you are going to start keeping your list of training achieved, history and important documents. Much like the training folders mentioned in The Marketplace series by Laura Antoniou you can build a file on yourself to offer your current or future dominant partner(s). Throughout the course of this program you will learn how to write your own files, learn to focus your training in the direction you wish to go and develop a personal development plan for your own growth.

It all begins with the basic information that all dominant request of a submissive when they are first getting to know someone. This is known as a basic profile. Personal basic profiles are a great way to distill information in an interesting and digestible format.The process to writing a personal profile are to intrigue the reader about the person it is written about.

1. Be Concise and condense – No one needs to know everything in every small detail about you in a profile. Try to say it in as few words as possible.
2. Choose your adjectives – Use a thesaurus if you need to. Find words that clearly state what you want to say.
3. Choose specific terms – ‘I like sports’ is not nearly as clear as ‘I like soccer’. Make sure you express yourself completely.
4. Write in outline format – Outline format is easier to follow and give a snapshot of what you are like.
5. Present a 3D image of yourself – Don’t just focus on a few aspects of your life.
6. Be honest – Don’t lie or exaggerate.
7. Take pride in who you are – Use positive words but do not brag.

Some information you may want to include:

• personality (choose 3 power words)
• likes/dislikes
  • food
  • entertainment
  • activities
  • hobbies
  • music
• family life
• education
• religion/spirituality/beliefs
• causes you are active in
• living situation
  • environment
  • location
• pet peeves (You can learn a lot about a person on this issue alone.)
• goals/dreams/plans
  • professional
  • personal
• travel
• hope to accomplish
• family structure or size (i.e. ‘Would like to have 5 kids.’)
• unusual experiences (i.e. ‘Worked in the peace corps in the Sudan,’ ‘went to Germany in school,’ ’survived a severe storm,’ ‘met famous person,’ ‘home-schooled kids.’)
• what is important to you (i.e. ’saving money to help the needy’ or ‘protect the environment.’)
• talents or skills
  • musical
  • artistic
  • sports
  • drama
• groups or affiliations or online communities you belong to (another way to learn about someone)

Once you get the basics together you can start developing your training history. We’ll start putting that together in future posts.

Building your Training Resume

1. Beginning Your Training Resume
2. Recording Your Training History
3. Recording Your Completed Training
4. Mapping Out Your Ideal Submission
5. The BDSM Checklist that will Really Help You
6. Add Your Reading List
7. Add Cons, Classes and Events

Your Bathing Regime

You may have been bathing yourself since you were 5 or 6, but if you haven’t changed your bathing routine since then, you may want to consider growing up and learning an adult way to bathe. Each person may have cleaning preferences and this is to be just a guideline and recommendation for bathing and grooming. Preparing your body for your dominant partner is a basic requirement that will amaze and delight them, besides a clean body makes you feel good too.

How frequently you bathe is as important as what you do in the bathroom to groom yourself. If you are like me, I bathe more in the summer than the winter, but you should be able to bathe at least once every day. Your body sweats, sloughs off skin and develops body oils that we can’t see. We should wash them off and reset our pheromones. Any area the generates waste needs to be cleaned at least daily. If you have sex you should bathe afterward. It’s amazing how many people don’t bathe everyday. If you don’t live in a 3rd world country then you should have no problem bathing every single day. Water is easily accessible.

Supplies

Having the right soaps and cleaning supplies will also make your bathing experience enjoyable and you’ll leave feeling clean, refreshed and hydrated.

Soap:

Most low quality soaps will strip your natural oils from your skin and you will end up with dry skin. Select a higher quality moisturizing soap in a scent that won’t conflict with any perfumes or other scents you may wear.

Shampoo and Conditioner:

Hydration and damage repair are good for highly stylized hair. Find one that is meant for your hair type, don’t go cheap when it comes to hair care, or it will show in dull, damaged or dry, brittle hair.

Moisturizer:

Finding a body lotion can be very important. Use one with a light scent that won’t conflict with your perfume or other scents you may wear. Apply it after your bath to lock in moisture and keep you glowing all day.

Facial cleansers:

These are a personal decision. I’ve been blessed with pretty blemish-free skin, so I choose not to cleanse my face daily, but every other day it gets a cleaning so that the oils that have collected don’t start to shine. I do remove my make-up every night, however.

Preparation

Take the time you need to clean yourself correctly. Do not rush through your bathing routine. Remember that you are caring for your owner’s property, or your future owner’s property. How would you like it to be treated? Start now. Make sure you have the time to do it right and don’t skip a step. Make sure you bathe in the hottest water you can stand to open up your pores.

Completion

A clean body is a healthy body. Remember that you are learning to not only care for yourself in the most basic manner, but you will be able to later extend that experience to bathing others, if you are so required to. Enjoy your fresh, clean and healthy skin. You will begin to notice a difference and so will the others around you.

The Meaning Behind Service and Serving

When someone becomes a submissive for the first time and finds a dominant the first words I generally hear them say is that they like being of service or they like serving. When asked what it is about service that they enjoy it tends to boil down to sex and play. There is far more to service than the play, and believe me, there are submissives that don’t even play but find fulfillment in service.

Service is any activity or function that you fill to make your dominant partner’s life easier. This could be as simple as preparing their coffee, laying out their clothes for them or performing domestic chores. Yes, it does include the play and sex aspects of some relationships, but not all of them are wired this way.

Take for example a domestic submissive. What calls them to serve is completely different than a service submissive (more on this term later). Each of them gains happiness and fulfillment out of the services they provide their dominant partner, but the service they provide can be very different. Many times a domestic submissive will have minimal or no sexual interaction with their owner. I’ve even been propositioned by a few male domestics that all they want to do is come and clean my house. It’s the pleasure of cleaning for someone that they want to enjoy.

So, what does it mean to be of service to your dominant? Does it mean you will be doing the chores around the house, caring for family or pets, perhaps paying the bills and running errands? Could it mean you are a personal assistant and keep your partner in check, organized and prepared for everything the day may throw at them? Or are you the sex object that fills every fantasy and whim without a moment’s hesitation? All of these things are service. Some other things that can service items can include:

• cooking
• cleaning
• grooming
• health
• personal trainer
• pet care
• home repair
• car repair
• organization
• event planning
• child care
• chauffeur
• scheduling
• secretarial
• intellectual conversationalist

Discover Your Purpose in Service

Finding your meaning in service isn’t always easy. You have to start with what you want and need out of a relationship. I’ve written a whole series about Wants and Needs that you can refer to if you need help figuring these things out. Once you’ve identified what you need, you can develop the services around it that will feed your needs. If you require structure, you could develop a Home Control Journal. If you like to be a hostess and use anticipatory service you could have a Butler’s Book. Perhaps you would like to develop your sexual service skills or your personal assistant skills and learn how to properly bathe and clothe someone. The possibilities are endless.

Service Submissives

There is a type of submissive that seeks only to serve. In this passion there is happiness and joy to be asked to do even menial tasks. They may derive pleasure from things other than sexual connection or play. Service Submissives can become domestics, personal assistants, chauffeurs, and handmaids.

What makes this type of submissive so special is their ability to adapt to whatever service their partner requires of them with little adjustment period. Service Submissives can bring pleasure to their dominant with little effort. It is my opinion that service submissives are rare and unique people. Not everyone can be a service submissive, but if you are one, you are worth your weight in gold and then some. All other submissives most likely look up to you for your ability to serve so smoothly.

Here are some of my ideas of what a service submissive might be.

• Personal secretary; taking calls, answering the door, responding to emails, scheduling and coffee fetching.
• Body servant; bathing, shaving, grooming and overall health care of the dominant.
• Escort; social elitist with the ability to bring attention to your owner, chat about all sorts of world topics and look beautiful on their arm.
• Service Top; when an owner is a masochist it may be requested that the submissive learn play activities to service the top.

Do you have any other ideas of what a service submissive can be? Share them in the comments!

Now that you have a better understanding of what service is, how can you use your talents to create your service resume? What services do you provide your owner? What services would they like you to learn or enhance?