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Are Discipline and Punishment The Same?
February 8, 2010 by lunaKM
Filed under Relationships
Reading across the blogosphere you will encounter these words almost synonymous to each other: Discipline and Punishment. The words are far from the same however some dynamics treat them the same. In fact for the longest time I have used the word punishment when I mean discipline. It’s even possible that Master has used these words interchangeably as well. I’ve done some thinking to try to sort out what these two words mean in our dynamic and how they are employed. I have a preference for clearly defined terms and boundaries so these two words are worth defining.
There is also the camp that believes that punishment (lowercase) is the play form with impact toys or spanking and that Punishment (uppercase) is the correction of bad behavior. I’m going to be referring to the later form in this post. The P/punishment debate can very well take up another post.
As to what I believe discipline is, I’ve now been able to categorize the things that Master does to keep me in line, the smaller corrections and the weekly maintenance with the black book are my discipline. Essentially for us discipline is part of the training. I can’t be a perfect submissive right from the start and part of molding my behavior has to be correcting me when I put a toe out of line. I have to admit that at first he was disciplining me all the time. Learning the rules and not being a smart ass was really hard for me. It’s not second nature yet but I feel that it will get easier.
Discipline comes in all shapes and sizes. For our relationship it’s apology, corner time and cane strokes. I get corner time for most of the infractions that warrant more than my proper apology. I hate corner time. I think what I hate most about it is that I’m not getting any attention. I have to sit and just count the seconds in my head and watch the kitties sit around my feet wondering when I’m going to move so that I can play (unless you’re Max, then you just want my seat). I’m terrified of canes and so when Master directs me to get the cane I almost shiver and my heart gets faster. Its hurts and it scares me. Which is the point.
Punishment though is a different beast. Punishment is for very severe infractions. I consider this to be things that could be deal breakers or relationship-enders. Punishment of this caliber should be rare or not at all. Things that make the dominant decide if punishment is the way to go instead of release are personal. I’ve read many dominant comments on this topic and a lot of them choose release.
The one punishment I’ve been through was really rough. It’s been almost 2 years. I remember it like it were just last week. I thought our relationship was done for. I had broken his trust and I didn’t know how to gain it back. I’m happy to say that I have.
Keeping these things separate and defined for us is good for our continued growth.
What do you say? Are they defined differently for you?
Best Submissive Blogs List #2
November 30, 2009 by lunaKM
Filed under BDSM Basics
After the impressive response I got from the first list, I decided to make up another list. Besides, there are many many wonderful submissive blogs out there. Here’s more of the cream of the crop, so to speak.
I’d love you to go to each of these websites, leave a comment and tell them Submissive Guide sent you.
- d serves
- Her little girl
- Insatiable Desire
- Laani’s Blog
- Long-distance sub
- Puppy Tales
- The Disciplined Feminist
- The Warren
- Trinity Pup
- Tristan’s Pet
Sub v. Slave: A Second Opinion
November 18, 2009 by Guest Author
Filed under Defining Submission
This is a guest post by Beth, as she will tell you, she’s a 24/7 slave of 2 years and would like to express what she sees as the differences between sub and slave. If you would like to read Rayne’s opinion, you can do so on this post.
First off I would like to introduce myself. I’m Beth, or as some may know of me as jjsslave on fetlife.com. I’m also jajsslave on Twitter. I am a 24/7 collared slave and have lived with my Master for going on 2 years now. Well, by the time this is posted it will be 2 years. Ive been in the lifestyle for 7 years and have came a long way. I have learned many lessons along the way, all which have shaped me into what I am today. The biggest lesson I learned early on was during my first encounter with my Master. It was the importance of not telling too much online to others and that you should guard yourself against the preditors out there. There are good guys out there. Ive been lucky enough to find one, however there are many scary people out there.
To me there is quite a difference between being submissive and a slave. I think it would be easier for me to start on the submissive side. In my 7 years in the lifestyle I started out as a sub. I really feel that until the past 2 years I remained a sub. With that being said, I had more options in life, at least in my mind. A submissive retains the power over themselves and their body. Many are not going to agree with me on this. I don’t feel that discipline, true discipline should be put in place with a sub. ”Play” or “scene” discipline is one thing but actually discipline where corporal punishments, writings and corner times for example are put in place, I feel are completely off base. If a submissive still has power over themselves then how can they really mess up to the point of punishment outside of play. Slaves on the other hand, particularly those who live it 24/7 sometimes need punishment just for the sake of training, being kept in line and as a reminder of their place.
I had considered myself a slave before moving in with Master, yet I don’t think it was until he assigned me to look up the terms submissive and slave that I truly realized the differences. Unfortunately Ive lost that writing, but the idea is still in my mind. Hmm, this is consensual slavery right??? Then why is it that even though the door is there I can’t imagine walking out and never coming back? A slave has one option for the most point. Obey or leave!! Do i have the options of telling Master “no”?? Not if i want to continue to stay with Him. This brings me to another point, limits. Submissives often have soft and hard limits and can enforce them or use them at will. Not saying that is a bad thing, it gives the person that little extra protection over their body and mind. On the other side of things I feel a slave doesn’t quite have the same rights when it comes to limits. I feel a slave should take on the limits of their Master. If a slave has a hard limit well.. i guess that could be discussed and taken into consideration but ultimately the decision lays with the Master on if the slave is allowed to have that limit. Communication is a must.
While these are just a few examples of the thoughts floating around in my head, I feel these are the more important ones. This is a very heated topic where I don’t feel anyone will ever agree. The bottom line is that there is no one way to live the lifestyle and that goes for submissives and slaves alike. One of the most important qualities anyone in this lifestyle can have is respect. Respect for others and how they enjoy and live in the BDSM lifestyles. The good news is, those who live this lifestyle are generally accepting of everyone else’s choices on how to live this life.
I would like to thank LunaKM for giving me the opportunity to write this. I look forward to possibly doing more writing in the future as i really enjoyed doing this.
Beth is a 24/7 collared slave and have lived with her Master for going on 2 years now and in the lifestyle for 7 years. You can contact her on FetLife or Twitter.
Post photo by Purple Sea Donkey
Review: Protocols: a Variety of Views
If you are looking for a varied account of protocol then this book is perfect! Part of Power Exchange Books’ Resource Series Protocols: a Variety of Views is a collection of essays written by people living a life with protocol in place. You will get every opinion represented here as well as a few book reviews at the end of other protocol related books you might be interested in.
Compiled of 13 well thought out essays from every role imaginable and some well known voices in the alternative community leadership, this book has what it needs and then some. You will learn what people consider protocol, what the difference is between that and ritual as well as ceremony. There are some lovely examples of personal protocols lived out in their relationships and opinions that may align with yours.
I like that the book is short essays, as I admit my attention span is relatively short. I can read one essay at a time and then give it some time to digest before moving on to another. In fact, that’s how I recommend you read this book. I tried reading one essay immediately following another and the differing viewpoints clashed in my brain and I had to reread them.
My favorite essay has to be by slave elizabeth titled, “Development of Protocols in the Order of Discipline and Service.” She shares with us her ‘unusual’ protocols that her Dominant has for the house and to be honest hers is the first I’ve read or heard about to hold these protocols. She and the other slaves that serve have uniforms much like a job would for about any occasion, they wear chains at all times, even while out and I love the idea of having personal cells for time away from serving. I was so interested in it I read the essay twice just to take care of my fascination.
If you are curious about protocol I’d recommend this compilation. It has everything you’d want to know and maybe some you wouldn’t think to learn.
Product Details
- luna’s Rating: 7/10
- Published on: 2008-10-01
- Original language: English
- Binding: Paperback
- 106 pages
Buy Protocols: A Variety of Views: Power Exchange Books’ Resource Series By Robert Rubel PhD
Review: How To Get the Spanking You Want
My first ebook up for review is “How To Get The Spanking You Want: The Complete Guide to Asking For it, Getting it, and Making it Better” by Vivian of The Disciplined Feminist. I have an excerpt on this site if you’d like to read it.
The author has over 23 years of spanking experience and over a decade of scholarly and academic research on the subject. She is even well published.
The book is broken up into 4 chapters with a pretty good flow and cohesive train of thought.It’s developed for the person that would like to enter a spanking relationship with their partner but don’t know how to go about doing it. Written in a conversational tone will really help you explore the topic in your head as you read along. The author stays pretty general about what kind of spanking relationship, but does mention domestic discipline and play spanking so I think it could help you no matter what type of spanking your are looking for. It’s an excellent first step for the hesitant and hopeful spankee.
The first chapter will help you figure out what type of spanking you are looking for, and analyze your fantasies to understand what you expect from a spanking, but she also explains that your real life spankings probably won’t look anything like your fantasies. After all, you control the fantasy and the spanker always knows exactly what to do, right?
The second chapter is set up to help you ask your partner to spank you. While I do have some issues with the way the author says you should go about asking, there is some sound advice on your partners response; whatever that may be. Vivian says that you should use your feminine seductive arts to ply your partner into seeing you as submissive and demure; dressing and acting the part before and during the discussion where you ask your partner to be your spanking partner. In a way, it comes off as she is saying you should manipulate the situation to get what you want by using your feminine mystique and then being direct about what you want because that’s what guys like.
Now, I don’t have experience with asking a partner to spank me that wasn’t already interested, but to me this sounds a little backward. Essentially I see this as luring the man into your ‘trap’ and then confronting them with some huge secret and expecting them to respond positively about it. I don’t know about you, but if I followed her directions specifically, I’d have a confused man on my hands AND probably no hope of a spanking partner.
Really, my advice would be to definitely set a date to have this revealing conversation, but be honest and open about it when the time comes. There is no need to try to show your man that you are submissive and pliant and your ass is ripe for spanking as she suggests. But, that’s just me.
The rest of the book helps you prepare and receive your first spanking. It does a wonderful job going through the possible reactions you can have the first spanking you get, as well as the triggers you could awaken and how to deal with them. I love how she makes sure you understand that unlike your fantasy spankings, these hurt. It’s something that a lot of people just don’t realize till it’s happening and then you react poorly.
I’d highly recommend this book just for the last 2 chapters alone. You can definitely get something out of this book even if you are already in a spanking relationship. She also has a chapter on how to get more from your spanking experience and is worth reading even if you’ve been exploring spanking for years. I loved it.
Overall, I think it’s a decent book for someone who needs a way to share their spanking secret with their partner in hopes of finding a spanking partner in them. If you would like help talking to your partner about your spanking interests, get this book.
Interested?
Product Details
- luna’s Rating: 8/10
- PDF Format: 177 pages
- Publisher: Variant Books
- Language: English
Now Available: The Spanking Series in E-Book!
September 1, 2009 by lunaKM
Filed under BDSM Basics, Views on D/s
If you have ever wondered how you can get the spanking you’ve always wanted but wasn’t sure how to ask for it, there is a book for you. I was just offered the chance to review a copy of How to Get the Spanking You Want: The Complete Guide to Asking for It, Getting It & Making It Better by Vivian of The Disciplined Feminist. I’ve just been able to browse it so far and read the first chapter but I’m already impressed!
The book is an excellent read for anyone that is on the edge about asking for a spanking, understanding why you desire that spanking and how to get what you want once you have asked for it. The book really is that special. The language so far is easy to read and welcoming to the newcomer to spanking as a lifestyle choice. You won’t be disappointed. This wisdom can only come from someone with over 20 years experience and education and training in the field of gender roles and psychology.
Get your PDF copy of the book now!
Written in an honest, compassionate and easy-to-read style, this guide will share with you…
- The real reasons your partner may be reluctant to spank you that will surprise and even shock you! (page 89)
- Why the popular “I Love Lucy” method of teasing or “bratting” your partner into spanking you is virtually guaranteed to fail — and may even hurt your relationship! (page 41)
- How to stop being disappointed when your real-life spankings don’t measure up to your fantasies (page 20)
- What to do if your partner has already said “no” to spanking you (page 70)
- How to take a spanking — yes, there are special techniques for receiving as well as giving a good spanking! (page 120)
- Getting past your embarrassment about wanting to be spanked (page 16)
- What it really takes to build a satisfying spanking relationship (page 140)
- How to prepare for your first real spanking (page 99)
- What to do if you find yourself getting a spanking that’s more painful that you expected (page 134)
- Get spanked in public without getting your partner arrested (page 154)
- How to cope if you need a spanking and don’t have a partner
- The 7 steps to more satisfying spankings (page 140)
- How to safely get spanked if you have a history of childhood abuse
- Expanded 2nd edition — 12 additional pages of material!
- And much more!
Get your PDF copy of the book now!
Still not sure? Here’s an excerpt of the book:
“HOW TO GET THE SPANKING YOU WANT”
(www.HowToGetaSpanking.com, © Variant Books 2009, all rights reserved. Used with permission.)
How to Take a Spanking
Most of the focus on spankings revolves around the way that spankings are given. And this is understandable. After all, the person spanking is doing the obvious work in the situation. He’s the one who has to know how to spank, how long to spank, how hard to spank, etc. All you have to do is lay there and get your spanking.
Or so it seems.
Many people are surprised to learn that there is just as much of an art to taking a spanking as there is to giving one. So while your partner is learning the art of spanking, you’ll want to learn the art of being spanked.
To learn how to take a spanking, let’s start with the most basic fact that often gets overlooked when you’re anticipating your first spanking…
Real spankings hurt
If you haven’t been spanked before, this often comes as a big shock. But it’s true: spankings hurt. A lot. Probably a lot more than you realize.
Spankings are, of course, supposed to hurt. But it’s one thing to imagine that they’re going to hurt and quite another to experience that pain in real life on your very own tender and vulnerable bottom.
In our fantasies, we know that spankings hurt and we probably even imagine how much they hurt and what our reaction will be. Perhaps we imagine that we cry and beg for mercy or resist the spanking and are forced to take it even though it hurts. Or maybe we imagine being stoic and brave and keeping a “stiff upper lip” through a severe caning or paddling, like in those British boarding school movies.
But by and large, most of our fantasies focus on the other parts of a spanking – how deliciously embarrassing it would be to be, say, be spanked in front of your class at school, or the thrill of being turned over your partner’s knee and having your skirt flipped off and your bottom bared like a naughty little girl. Or countless other scenarios and details that contribute to the excitement of being spanked.
Which is why it can be a pretty rude awakening when you feel that first swat on your bottom and realize how extreme the pain really is. To repeat: spankings (even “mild” ones) hurt.
If you aren’t ready for how much a spanking is going to hurt, you may have a pretty extreme reaction to the pain. That’s because your survival instinct is pre-programmed to protest – strenuously – whenever it registers that you feel pain. Your survival instinct doesn’t care that you’re turned on by spankings. That’s because it’s even stronger than your spanking desires. It just gets the signal from your bottom that you are feeling pain and does what it’s programmed to do – resist, get away, fight back or whatever feels safest and most likely to work at that instant.
This reaction, whatever it is, is likely to surprise you. You have wanted a spanking for so long and imagined it so often in your head that the idea that you would resist or not want the pain may catch you off guard.
And it may also be very upsetting or disturbing to your partner, whom you remember is probably still a bit nervous that he’s going to hurt you too much and get himself in trouble.
If you react very intensely to the pain of the spanking, you may be confirming for your partner all of his worst fears – that he is a closet abuser who has just done a terrible and unforgivable thing to you by hitting you and causing you pain (and yes, the darker fear that you will get angry with him and turn him in to the police for beating you).
If you have never been spanked before, you would be wise to assume going in that you’re going to have this extreme reaction to your first real spanking, no matter how much you want and need it.
To be safe, it’s important to talk with your partner beforehand about this possibility so that he’s prepared for whatever reaction you have and reassure him that you will not hold him responsible or accuse him of domestic abuse if your spanking hurts more than you realize.
In addition, you may want to talk with your partner in advance about bruising or marks on your skin. Many spankers are fine with the spanking, and then become upset the next day when they see the results of their handiwork on their partner’s vulnerable skin.
I’m not going to tell you here that you should avoid bruising or marks. The truth is that most of the methods that claim to avoid bruising don’t work all that well and aren’t particularly reliable. Iif you’re going to get spanked, you’re probably going to get bruised. Your job is to make sure you’re okay with this, and then to make sure your partner knows you’re okay with it – or even excited by these lasting reminders of your spanking.
Real spankings can be shocking
In addition to hurting more than we might realize, spankings can be psychologically shocking, even if we’ve fantasized about them.
If we’ve never been spanked or hit before, the experience of being spanked – literally hit – can trigger intense emotions that go even deeper than our very deep desire to be spanked.
During your spanking, you may experience anything from panic and terror to extreme crying and feelings of helplessness.
None of these reactions means that you are wrong to want a spanking. They just mean that your spanking has triggered some deeper emotions and instincts in you that you will need to deal with.
First of all, you may just be having the instinctive reaction to being hit that we talked about in the prior section. We all have that primitive “fight or flight” reaction inside that is triggered whenever we feel physically or psychologically threatened. The part of your brain that is designed to keep you safe by triggering this instinct may be doing its job, regardless of what the part of you that is turned on by the idea of being spanked says.
Second, spanking is also cathartic. Because it’s an intense experience, getting a spanking can release all kinds of emotions that you are carrying around inside from the rest of your life that you haven’t expressed.
For example, if you’re having a difficult time at work, but haven’t given yourself permission to “let it out” and express your frustration, you may find yourself letting it all out during your spanking. You may find yourself crying a lot more than you (or your partner) believes is justified given the severity of your spanking.
If you find yourself in a catharsis during your spanking, my advice is to go with it and accept it as a blessing and a gift. One of the wonderful, amazing parts of being spanked is the ability to let go of your responsible, strong self and let your vulnerable self show. Cry like a baby, sob your guts out – let the spanking cleanse all of that negative emotion out of you. Afterwards, you will probably feel like you went to a spa or had a nice massage!
So to help you take your spanking with grace and courage, even when you feel like you can’t stand another swat, what follows are some tips to help with the pain…
Get your PDF copy of the book now!
That’s not all though, she has a companion book written for the spanker titled, How to Give a Spanking: Advice from the Receiving End. I have this book as well to read and let you know what it’s like in a review coming later. If it’s anything like what I’ve read so far it will be well worth it.
If you buy both books today, you get 20% off! That’s a wonderful bundle deal, so don’t wait. Get these wonderful spanking resources now.
Coming Clean: Admitting Your Disobedience
August 7, 2009 by lunaKM
Filed under Mindset, Relationships
We all have those little voices in our head that tell us what to do. Sometimes it tries to convince us that our disobedience is okay. The voices are very convincing at times and then we have guilt riding with us until we come clean. Perhaps you’ve heard these voices yourself:
“Come on, he won’t see me have this Pepsi I’m not supposed to have. I can drink it before he comes home and no one need know.”
“As long as it looks like I cleaned the kitchen he won’t care, I can bend the rules a bit with this one.”
“He won’t know that I didn’t go to bed on time if I stay off the computer; I’m not ready to sleep just yet.”
These are simple voices, but only you know how far your voices go to stray you from the path of your personal submission.
If you give in to the voices you have a choice to make. You can keep it a secret and live with the guilt until it eats you up so much that you just have to tell them. By then the infraction isn’t only that you had a pop, for example, but that you hid it from them, perhaps even lied to keep them from finding out and you are in deep deep trouble. Or you can do the good submissive thing and admit your misdeed as soon as you can. The sooner the better.
Honesty is always the best policy, even if that means you are going to be in trouble for a time for disobeying. The pain of guilt and added punishment is far far worse. Coming clean isn’t easy. It means admitting to the person you serve that you didn’t take their rules seriously enough to obey them. It means that you failed them.
The level of the failure varies on the infraction, but admitting it to your Dominant does give you some level of uplift when the punishment is handed down. I’ve even had my Dominant tell me that since I brought it to him so quickly that my punishment would be less. If you count sitting in the kitchen facing the microwave for 15 mins as less (ugh I hate time out).
Coming clean does not mean you can listen to those voices again. You need to learn from your mistakes and make a concious choice not to do it again.
How do you come clean? What is the longest you held something in and how did you get disciplined for it? Share your story so that others may learn from your trials.
photo by Robyn Gallagher
Why BDSM is Not D/s
June 29, 2009 by Guest Author
Filed under BDSM Basics
This post is by Skylerpet. She’s written several other posts here for Submissive Guide. You can read more of her work on online submission and pet play here.
BDSM and D/s. Some see it as the same, I seem them as two very different things. Here, I plan on explaining the how’s and why’s of my position. I am not seeking to change anyone’s opinion, as you have a right to your own opinion, as I hope you will remember that I do also.
In my opinion BDSM and D/s, while they often go together, are two entirely separate things with a few similarities. This is my opinion for many reasons. When I recently voiced this opinion someone responded with the question: “Do you not see the D/s in BDSM as standing for Dominance and submission?” and in fact, for the most part, i do not. I see BDSM as generally standing for Bondage, Discipline and SadoMasochism. Yes, the D/s in BDSM can and sometimes does stand for Dominance and submission for those who incorporate all of those things in their relationship. However, i do not think it does all the time, as there are many who are involved only in BDSM or D/s.
The primary reason i see this is that i see BDSM being the physical aspects. Bondage, whipping, suspension, and things of that nature. D/s however is the emotional side. The act of emotionally and/or psychologically submitting or Dominating someone. I do not see BDSM and D/s automatically going together.
Submission is emotional and psychological. While many submissives do also enjoy the physical aspects, i do not believe that the physical act of bondage and discipline is required for submission.. I see this in my relationship right now. My relationship is long distance. I am incredibly submissive to my Master, however I have received no whippings or canings from Him, however W/we both do enjoy it, and as such it will be a part of our relationship when W/we are together.
- BDSM is not only hardcore bondage, whippings, canings and scenes. BDSM also includes kinky couples who like some spankings and light bondage in bed. With the exceptions of those things, many of those couples are not D/s. They have no Dominance and submission in their relationship, thus the BDSM and D/s are separate.
- There are also those who are pure masochists or sadists. They enjoy the purely physical act of tying up or being tied and getting beat or doing the beatings. For them, it is the physical act that draws them.
- Also, there are those who are in Dominance and submission relationships that is solely based upon service and consensual slavery. There are many D/s couples out there who have no BDSM in their relationship at all. Just as not all submissives are masochists, not all Dominants are sadists.
If one were to look on informational websites, in glossaries and encyclopedias and such, the definitions and descriptions given of BDSM and D/s also show this difference. Wikipedia specifically states that “Physical contact is not a necessity and it can even be conducted anonymously over the telephone, email or instant messaging system. In other cases it can be intensely physical…” As Wikipedia states, BDSM and D/s can be both separate and conjoined. Also, the glossary at Domsub Info defines the two as separate items with can be separate or conjoined.
Said quite plainly, in my opinion, just because someone goes to a dungeon to get whipped does not automatically make them a consensual slave or submissive. It simply means that they enjoy being whipped. Similarly, just because someone enjoys delivering the whipping does not automatically make them a Dominant. As such, BDSM and D/s are separate things and do not have to go together. They can be enjoyed together or separately. None of the combinations are better or more “real” than another.
A few last words:
- Being submissive or a masochist does not mean you have to be the other.
- Being a sadist or Dominant does not mean you have to be the other.
- Not being one or the other, or being both or perhaps all four does not make you worse or better than the other. It simply makes you you and unique.
Skylerpet is a 24/7 submissive pup in her late 20’s. She has been into pet play since she discovered the D/s lifestyle and can be reached at: requiemskye@yahoo.com for emails and also YIM chat.
When You Can’t Get Away: Follow Up to Submissive PMS
June 15, 2009 by lunaKM
Filed under Defining Submission
In a recent video post about Submissive PMS I had someone email me with some questions that I thought deserved a new post. If you haven’t seen the video or attached post, please go to the article and read it first!
Now on to his questions:
1. What’s a subbie to do when, for whatever reason, he or she cannot get away? What about the use of corporal discipline to help put the sub in his or her place?
Sure there will always be times when a submissive is not able to get away to refocus for a number of reasons. In this case, I am a firm believer of a mantra or meditation. It can be said aloud or internally no matter where you are. You may even be able to close your eyes and focus on your breathing to really center yourself. This works wonderfully if you only have a few moments in which to reset your mind and continue.
It will not work all the time; it’s just a matter of being human that sometimes for whatever reason, you are moody or grouchy and inheriently disobedient. When you realize this might be the case; informing your Dominant is the best course of action. Sure it could get you in trouble if you do disobey, but at least they will be equiped with some of the reason behind it.
Another way to try to refocus or at least not snap at your Dominant is the famous count to 5 trick. It really does work. I kinda like to count backward from 10. I feel centered and focused when through that bit of meditation.
About corporal punishment… it’s an okay idea, but then that puts the responsibility into the Dominant’s hand to try to correct your own problem of lack of focus. What is really going on when this happens is the Dominant is facilitating your need to refocus with a meditation or other separation from the event by giving you pain to do so. In essense the Dominant is creating the recentering time you need. I’d like to focus in this blog about how we can help ourselves become better human beings that happen to be submissive and ‘making’ the Dominant correct our mood is in that vein.
The other concern is that it doesn’t work all the time. What if your mood is just so off kilter that your act worse after the punishment. In this case the Dominants attempt at correction pushed your further away from center and you will most likely find it harder to refocus after that. It becomes a steep downward slope.
2. I have a feeling that, unless they enjoy feminization, male subs might not exactly take ownership of the term submissive PMS. Any ideas on a term for males? It might not be as cute, but something like “sub glitch”?
Oh I’m sure we can come up with a term that male submissives could embrace that means the same thing. So, dear reader, what ideas do you have to replace PMS with something more masculine centric? I’d love to see what you come up with in the comments!
Submissive PMS and How to Deal With It
June 13, 2009 by lunaKM
Filed under Mindset, Video Posts
This video post is about how to deal with a submissive bout of PMS.
It’s not your normal run of the mill PMS. You don’t have cramps or bloating or headaches or chills, but your mood is so out of whack that you are getting in trouble just by opening your mouth. You don’t know where your submissive filter went, all you know is that it’s gone and you’re going to be paying for it with every utterance. This is submissive PMS. I suffer from it often and it’s something I’ve learned a few things from to make it easier to get through. Let’s help you out.
What’s the Big Deal?
I’m pretty certain most of you haven’t heard this term before and that’s because I just made it up. You won’t find submissive PMS in any dictionary (urban, BDSM or otherwise), but if you have been submissive for more than a few minutes you know exactly how I’m going to describe it. It starts with the sudden urge to just tell your Dominant to ‘go get it yourself!’ It can lead to mouthing off, acting pissy when there is no real reason behind and when confronted you can’t explain why you are feeling that way in the first place.
Confront It Dead On
A lot of times it’s obvious that you are entering sub PMS and you can work to stop it before it gets your butt in their sling. The moment you notice the ‘get it yourselfs’ creeping into your head, ask to remove yourself from the room or their presence and go refocus. If this means reading or blogging or meditating then go do it. I tend to get my catharsis from blogging but each person is going to find a different way to refocus. If you can identify an underlying thought or problem that caused the PMS you will want to talk to your Dominant about it. Never harbor feelings from your Dominant, even if you think they are trivial. It will help them help you. Win win in any case.
Apologize
After you have refocused, apologize to your Dominant for your slip in behavior or manners. They may not have even noticed it, but that’s not the purpose. The purpose is to make a mental note for you that you have corrected the behavior and are ready to continue serving. An apology is quite beneficial for that.
Resolve
You can’t prevent submissive PMS, but you can resolve to keep it in check. Make it a task to notice it before anyone else and correct it silently. Everyone has bad moods and off days, but our job as submissives and slaves is to make sure it doesn’t cloud our service. This of course is the hardest part. I’m still not there personally. I can’t recognize it sometimes and leave it to my Master noticing and correcting for me; usually not the way I wish it could be handled. Discipline yourself to make sure you can catch your backsliding and keep your backside from catching it for you.
Maintenance Spankings; Why Do It?
May 26, 2009 by lunaKM
Filed under Relationships, Video Posts
This week’s video post is about maintenance spankings.
Maintenance spankings are a way to keep the relationship fresh, revive the roles on a regular basis and to not let life away from the dynamic interfere with what your relationship goals are. A maintenance spanking can be anything from a scheduled night of the week where a short and sweet spanking takes place, to a more drawn out session of power and control. Either way their purpose is to maintain the dynamic.
Not everyone does this. My Master and I don’t. It’s not needed. That may be because we have an ideal situation: no kids, no outside jobs. Just us 24/7 living how we want to live. People who aren’t as lucky, and that’s the majority of you, could use maintenance spankings to keep the D/s alive when you feel it may fade into bills, running the kids to sports practice and work.
A maintenance spanking works something like a scheduled meeting. On whatever day you have set for your maintenance spanking you meet, talk about your week in terms of your role and confess any backsliding you are aware of. These things are taken into account with how the spanking will play out because the point is to keep you focused on your submission. Be honest with your partner. Even if you aren’t masochist you can benefit from these spankings.
The spanking is dictated by the Dominant to be whatever they want it to be. It could be sensual, it could be rough. It may or may not end with sex. These are variables that make each relationship unique. I personally prefer spankings that end in orgasms for both of us, but that may not be what works for you.
The important part of a maintenance spanking is that it’s scheduled and you do not reschedule. This is for the health of your relationship dynamic. Having something to look forward to each week or so is revitalizing and can help keep you focused where you need to be during difficult times. It can also bring more intimacy into your life. These moments are about just the two of you connecting. The power of touch, even in a swat is well worth it.
Also using maintenance spankings can and do decrease the need for punishment spankings. When you receive maintenance spankings then it is more likely that your behavior and attitude will stay positive and you will be less likely to be disobedient. Once you are obedient more often then maintenance spankings can and should be reduced.
What are your thoughts on maintenance spankings? Do you receive these? How frequently?
Excellent articles about Maintenance Spankings
Cease Resistance – This is all about different types of spankings, Maintenance spankings are half way down the page. Written in the DD or HOH line of thought.
Loving Domestic Discipline – Again written in the DD thread, but wonderfully written article.
Can Online Training Work?
May 19, 2009 by lunaKM
Filed under Online Submission, Video Posts
This week’s video is about online training and submission.
The world of online Dominance and submission is riddled with skepticism and disbelief that anyone can really live and enjoy a relationship online. The fact of it all is that there are an endless numbers of people experiencing a form of D/s called cyber D/s. Whether it be because they can not live it in real time due to partners that don’t understand, or they are exploring their sexuality safely a cyber relationship with a D/s feel is developed.
Structure with Rules
I’m a submissive that needs structure. Submissives all around will identify with either discipline, obedience, structure or rules or perhaps more than one. With structure can come rules and that’s how my submission runs in our dynamic. I serve my Master by following his rules that govern the structure of my day. It works best for me and we are both happy.
So what is structure? Structure is an organized framework for your routine. It can be decided upon for exactness or you can have a more flexible structure that allows you some freedom for decision making. For example, if your owner decided that there would be structure to how you were to prepare for bed, he may set up rules that tell you when to go to bed, how to get into bed and what to wear to bed. The structure of this routine is important to defining your submission and the value of your service. Structure can also be more flexible to let you decide how to go about the routine. If your owner only gives you a bedtime, then it is assumed that you will set up a routine leading up to bedtime so that you aren’t going from eating dinner straight to bed.
Rules are the backbone of structure. They provide the correct way to do things within the structure established.Some submissives have a lot of rules and others have very few. This is decided upon how flexible the structure of the relationship is. It is not necessarily better or worse to have a lot or a few rules. The only thing that matters is if you follow them correctly.
Is structure present in every relationship? Sure on some level there is structure in every relationship, vanilla or otherwise. In a D/s context the structure may be more pronounced if it exists. Bedroom submissives tend to have less structure than 24/7 submissives and slaves likely have even more than that.
What is your structure like? Is the framework your rules map out really well defined or do you have some liberty to improvise to get the job done?
photo by rayced
Mapping Out Your Ideal Submission
March 18, 2009 by lunaKM
Filed under Defining Submission, Relationships, Training Resume
Continuing the work on your training resume, I’d like to talk about mapping out how you dream of your submission being. This is a discussion of ideals and dreams. You can be as fanciful as you want right now, we will narrow things down as we go along. There are 3 things I’d like to focus on in this post. What your ideal relationship is, the structure you’d like to have and the level of protocol you dream of having. This works for kinky bedroom relationships and also full time dynamics.
Get out pen and paper because what we are going to do is make a map of our ideal relationship. If you have ever made a mind map, you know what are about to do; if not, below are some links to information about mind maps. A mind map is a colorful whole brain approach to taking notes and putting together thoughts and common ideas.
- How to make a Mind Map
- Mind Maps: A Powerful Approach to Note-Taking
- How to Mind Map
- Learning Skills: Mind Mapping
An excellent free online tool for mind mapping can be found at MindMeister.com
Ideal Relationship
Your first mind map should be about your ideal relationship and what you are looking for in a partner. As with all mind maps, the very center should be an image or central thought. Let’s put your partner there. Branching from that you can put physical features that attract you, activities you enjoy, emotional attachment levels and future desires for children, income, housing and other future wants and needs. Don’t leave anything out.
Structure
The second mind map is about the structure of your D/s dynamic. Do you want monogamy or poly-relations? Are you looking to be a pet, or perhaps a service submissive? Is Internal slavery your desire? How strict should the person be? Does punishment and discipline for rule violations intrigue you? How frequently do you want to play?
This is just a jumping off point, you can expand and explore everything you are looking for in the D/s part of your relationship.
Protocol
This mind map will probably be the most difficult. In this mind map, I’d like you to think about example rules and routine you’d like to develop. Think about how you’d like to act, what you dream about doing or saying in specific moments of your day or relationship. Do you like Gorean living? Perhaps a tiered system of a poly household? Dream up your rules and rituals that you may want to explore.
When you have completed your mind maps they should help you see how your dreams and future goals go together, how your ideal relationship is planned out in your mind and is now on paper. You can use this to help you communicate to your partner or when looking for that special person. Keep it in your training resume binder.
Building your Training Resume
- Beginning Your Training Resume
- Recording Your Training History
- Recording Your Completed Training
- Mapping Out Your Ideal Submission
- The BDSM Checklist that will Really Help You
- Add Your Reading List
- Add Cons, Classes and Events
photo credit by harpreet thinking
Simply Service
February 20, 2009 by lunaKM
Filed under Defining Submission
A once-a-month newsletter/e-zine written for service oriented people, by service oriented people in M/s, D/s or Leather relationships.
| About the Editor |
| Linda “BootPig” Hall is a former Ms. Olympus Leather, President and Secretary of the Phoenix boys of Leather. She teaches on service -related topics, and in conjunction with Whipmaster Bob Clark on SM topics at events all over the country.You can contact her through email at: wmb.bootpig@gmail.com |
Current contributors are all slave or submissive identified, and in real time relationships where obedience and service are necessary, valued skills, achieved over time. I have been fortunate enough to meet these lovely people all over the country, and have delighted in great conversations, where we sometimes agree, and sometimes disagree, but are bound by a mutual respect of each other’s choices. Occasionally, words from the “other side” might be included as well, as many perspectives will be represented.
Many current contributors are active in their own local leather communities, as well as maintaining relationships, homes, jobs and more. We know it can be a balancing act. We know it isn’t pretty all the time. We’ll be sharing our stories, tricks, tips, lessons learned (easy and hard), mistakes, and human foibles.
Every possible relationship combination will be represented, as this is about service, and can transcend gender and role orientations. Contributors are encouraged to write about issues they are currently facing, and as such each issue may go in a number of directions. The thought of “theming” issues has arisen, and is on hold at this time to allow for freedom of expression and creativity as this project finds a niche of its own. Philosophy, skill training, methods, and more may be examined.
Simply Service Groups on the Web
Yahoo Group: Simply Service
FetLife Group: Simply Service
Contributions will be accepted and reviewed on a per submission basis for addition into a future issue. Please include a bio, and any references you have and send submissions to msolympusleather2003@cox.net.
To view these newsletters you must have the free Adobe Reader or another PDF reader. Here’s where you can get it! Download Adobe Reader
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Distinguishing Between Wants and Needs
December 24, 2008 by lunaKM
Filed under BDSM Basics, Defining Submission
Continuing the Wants and Needs Series, this essay is about knowing the difference between wants and needs. If you would like to read the previous essay, please read “Know What You Want, Learn What You Need.”
The difference between wants and needs can be answered in one basic question. Is this something you can live without?
Need- something you have to have
Want -something you would like to have
When we discuss basics, the needs are food, clothing and shelter, but what about relationships? When you enter into a relationship you have needs to be fulfilled also. These could be love, attention, and affection. In a D/s relationship these could also be rules, structure, discipline and many others.
Exercise
Make a list of everything you dream of having in your perfect relationship. Don’t be stingy, list it all. Once you have made your list, go through each item and decide if it is a want or a need. Imagine your relationship without each item. Would it detract from your happiness? If it would, then it is a need. If you could be happy without it, then it is a want. Mark them so that you can refer to these two lists as needed.
Place this list in your Training Resume.
The wants on your list are just as important as the needs, but because they are only wants, they do not all have to be met to make you happy. Some of these could be desires that could be met once and that want can be removed from your list. Try to make sure that when you are in a relationship there is a happy balance of wants filled as well as the needs you need to feel completed.
In the next post in the series I’m going to talk about how to share your wants and needs with your partner so that you can make sure the relationship is compatible for the both of you.
Stay tuned.
Wants and Needs Series
- Know What You Want, Learn What You Need
- Distinguishing Between Wants and Needs
- The Importance of Needs
- Expressions of Wants and Needs
- What Should You Do When Your Wants or Needs Aren't Met?
The Nitty Gritty of the BDSM Lifestyle
December 20, 2008 by lunaKM
Filed under BDSM Basics
There are so many primers out there about BDSM I’m not sure if another one is really needed. Then again with all the basic questions asked on forums and chat rooms about BDSM it’s unlikely that my words will not be read by someone and that they will take something new from them.
BDSM is an umbrella term for Bondage, Discipline, Dominance, Submission, Sadism, Masochism. Each of these words on their own is a giant term with a lot of other vocabulary under them. Basically anything kinky will fall under one of these terms. You don’t have to know all of the vocabulary to practice BDSM but if you are really curious there are BDSM dictionaries all over the web.
Informed Consent’s BDSM Dictionary
On top of knowing some of the words comes learning some of the expectations and experiences you can have in the BDSM Lifestyle. Becoming a submissive in a D/s dynamic is just like any other relationship with one very important difference. The roles are set, not fluid like a regular relationship. A dominant and submissive never switch roles (unless in agreed upon circumstances) and the relationship continues strongly as this dynamic. People can be into kinky play and only engage in their roles in the bedroom or they can be in control of their chosen role throughout their lives.
Neither is greater or less valuable to BDSM. What one chooses to do within their relationship is personal and unique. Liking other people’s kinks is not required, but accepting them is looked favorably on. There are many things that I would never entertain as pleasurable or enjoyable but I can appreciate someone else’s desire to do them for those reasons.
Not everyone you meet that is into BDSM wants to be part of a community. You can’t make someone come out into BDSM public and say they are kinky. BDSM is still in the closet for most folks and that’s okay with them. Those who want to be a part of the community you bring with you a wonderful amount of experience and personal knowledge that everyone, including new people, can learn from.
Is it a Lifestyle?
BDSM is a Lifestyle for me. I live it all the time, it’s who I am. This is not the case with over half of the known BDSM population. The range of participation varies greatly. I can’t say that I know exact numbers, but I know that out of 10 people I could met in a room, 7 of them probably do not identify as Lifestyle BDSM’ers. That’s fine with me, we can still chat kink and not get all uncomfortable becuase we aren’t EXACTLY alike, right?
There are many different roles you can play in BDSM as well, from Top, Dominant or Master to bottom, submisssive and slave. There are also variations on these roles as well depending on the type of dynamic you want. You could be in a Daddy/little girl or Mommy/little boy dynamic. You could be in a Poly Master/slave household where you are the alpha. You could just be kinky and love the fun stuff in the bedroom. It’s all available to you.
What’s the Big Deal?
BDSM is a big deal to those that have anything to do with it because it turns them on in some way; sexually, intellectually, emotionally or all of the above. BDSM is not always sex driven, but it can be. The kinky among us consider it almost a sexual orientation; even I’ve given this idea a thought or two on my blog.
Is it Safe?
Depends really on what you define as safe. BDSM has two different stands on safety. One is SSC; Safe, Sane and Concensual. The other is RACK; Risk Aware Concensual Kink. The only thing in common with these two is the concensuality. The interpretations are different as different can be. Justin Medlin wrote an essay titled ‘SSC vs. RACK‘ explaining the differences between the two.
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