The Myth of a Slut

This is a guest post by Slut M as a response to SubWise #6 about BDSM Myths.

According to the mythological story, a slut is a downtrodden woman who by nature or by circumstances is propelled to debase her body in sexual desires. And so the story goes: these sexual desires control her and her behavior is based on sexual impulses with no thought to consequences or ethics. A slut cannot take her place in rational society, relegated to a shadowy existence because no decent man, woman or child would or could relate to a woman who cannot control her sexual desires. A slut is always a rejected woman who no man would acknowledge as being in relationship with her. A slut has given up on her own morality and therefore has no right to insist on kindness, respect or love. She cannot be redeemed; her broken spirit must accept this invisible deformity that manifests itself by insatiable desire for sexual activity. She is a glutton for sex.

The myth instructs our young women who blossom with joy and excitement as their first sexual feelings begin to surface….control your feelings or you could become a slut. Adolescent girls that become school sluts are reviled by their peers all because they like sex. So the hidden slut emerges in adolescence. Girls and boys who suppress their powerful sexual desires and will eventually lose touch with that part of themselves. The hidden slut becomes the unknown part of the self and yet remains to propel and motivate the slut as he or she matures and experiences life with all its joys, disappointments and pain. The slut makes incorrect choices and learns to live without sexual passion and release. The slut is locked in the soul and may remain hidden throughout one’s life.

BDSM offers a key to unlock the slutty soul. Our sluts are people who mature to a level of sexual freedom with dignity and ethics. Sexual feelings find expression instead of suppression. The body, mind and soul find comfort in sexual intimacy that flows to and from their partners. The slut is not confined by gender, age or experience. A slut is giving, using his or her sexual energy to satisfy their partners and bring pleasure to those who embrace sluttiness as a virtue. To be called a slut is a compliment in the BDSM world. A slut is a giver who enjoys releasing sexual passion for the fulfillment and pleasure of others who can reciprocate in the exchange of intimacy in either BDSM or vanilla play.

A slut is dominant or submissive with the overwhelming desire to experience oneness with another by joining bodies in sexual play. A slut can achieve self-actualization in the scene by embracing his or her true nature for the mutual benefit of partners. Play reaches a spiritual level as emotional doors are opened, seen, and embraced instead of feared as the myth would have us believe. Joy, release, and contentment flow through other aspects of life among family, friends and the work environment because the slut knows where he or she belongs. BDSM offers a profound acceptance of the self through the expression of sexual passion that in turn enriches ones entire life and future experiences and decisions.

Slut M is a submissive who entered the scene in July 2008 by receiving her first spanking from her Dominant. She and her Dominant have been pursuing a M/s relationship since then and expect to fully achieve this status in the future. Otherwise, she is single-parent raising 2 teens and working.

photo by ComeilMare

The Ins and Outs of Fetishes

“I have a fetish for wool socks, I just love them!”

“I have a fetish for corsets, I can’t get off without thinking of them!”

One of these statements is a sure sign of a fetish; the other is a misuse of the term. Sure this is a poor example. How many times have you heard a  phrase like the first one in everyday speech? Not long ago the idea of having a fetish was taboo and now we use it as a casual obsession with something from foods to material items. There is no wonder that when it comes to real fetishes people are still in the dark as to understanding them.

What is a Fetish, Really?

Let’s use Wikipedia to give us a general definition, shall we?

Sexual fetishism, or erotic fetishism, is the sexual arousal brought on by any object, situation or body part not conventionally viewed as being sexual in nature. Sexual fetishism may be regarded, e.g. in psychiatric medicine, as a disorder of sexual preference or as an enhancing element to a relationship. The sexual acts involving fetishes are characteristically depersonalized and objectified, even when they involve a partner. Body parts may also be the subject of sexual fetishes (also known as partialism) in which the body part preferred by the fetishist takes a sexual precedence over the owner.

As we can see from the definition, a fetish is a sexual attachment to an inanimate object of body part. In many cases the fetishist can no achieve an erection or orgasm without the object being present or an active part in the act. This is not limited to men, so don’t get my use of words turned around. Women also can develop fetishes.

How Do Fetishes Develop?

There are several theories out there as to how a fetish develops. The classical theory is said to be that the object of fetishism and sexual stimulus are presented at the same time and thus through the learning process they get associated with each other. The learning process is not always during sexual exploration, but can happen early in childhood when what makes you feel happy is constantly the same thing. The sense of euphoria is then attached to that object and can transition into a more adult behavior once sexual maturity has been reached. For example, it may only be shiny skin that arouses a person at first, but in time more common stimuli, such as shiny latex, may have the same effect.

Other theories state that a fetish is gained through heredity or through psychological distress. I tend to believe that it is more the classical theory than any other. If you wish to read a bit on these other two theories you can do so on the Wikipedia article about Fetishism.

Are Fetishes Common?

Fetishes are relatively uncommon. They are more likely in heterosexual men than any other gender group.  That doesn’t mean you can’t develop a temporary fetish. Occasionally there is something that just turns me on about a certain object and I will fantasize about it for some time before it drops off my sexual radar, so to speak. During my high school and college career I was obsessed with anything phallic shaped, as are many women prior (and after) sexual initiation. I am not afflicted quite so much with phallic-fetishism. There is nothing harmful about a temporary fetish as long as you can engage in the fetish safely.

Some fetishes can not be acted out in a loving, healthy manner. A more grotesque fetish I have read about is necrophilia (sex with dead people). This is a fetish that is generally treated with psychotherapy and medication. There are several such fetishes that can harm a person or are detrimental to others if engaged in. You can explore those on your own if you wish to research them.

One of the most common fetishes has to do with feet. Foot worship is quite acceptable in the BDSM arena, but outside it most foot fetishists have to keep their desires hidden. Other foot fetishists have a love of shoes and high heels. One of my favorite blogs to read is Diary of a Long-Distance Sub (NSFW). The submissive has a growing collection of shoes for her Dominant to enjoy and most of the pictures she shares on her blog have her shoes showing prominently with a part of her sexual anatomy.  This is a healthy way to explore the fetish and is a good read.

10 Most Common Fetishes

1. Feet
2. High-heels and knee-high boots
3. Piercing
4. Silk, satin, leather or latex
5. Hands
6. Hair
7. Role playing: doctor, nurse etc.
8. Body parts like flat, tight tummy
9. Balloons
10. Finger-nails art

What else do you know about fetishes? Do you think you have one? Why or why not?

Why You Should Sign Up for the Submissive Guide Newsletter

The Submissive Guide Newsletter is your personal direct channel to what’s on my mind. It’s delivered every 2 weeks right to your inbox for you to read at your own leisure. You are missing out if you haven’t signed up. I’ve got so much more to tell you; and I’m doing it with the newsletter. In just 2 months over 100 people have signed up to get the best of Submissive Guide sent directly to them.

But what else do you get with your subscription?

• Unique, quality content delivered directly to your email!
• Essays and tips not available on the website!
• Some of the best essays from the site!
• Each newsletter is on a different topic, and you drive the suggestions for topics!
• Occasional updates about Submissive Guide!
• First chance at new promotions, contests, giveaways and new features!

And that’s not all….

When you subscribe now you will get my new report on Wants and Needs: Knowing what you need and expressing your desires absolutely free, just for signing up. The report is 18 pages of useful and quality information that every novice submissive could use.

Sign Up Here!

photo by bravenewtraveler

Submissive and Slave: A Personal View

This post was written by Rayne. You can follow her twitter for active and interesting conversation.

I’m pretty big on book definitions. So for me, the word “submissive” has always been an adjective describing a personality trait. When I got involved in BDSM, it became, for me, a heading, of sorts, describing a group of people.

Under the heading of submissive, there are three main labels I – and others – use to describe the bottom half of the totem pole in BDSM relationships. Generally speaking, each label delineates a level of submission. How much control the person has given to their dominant. Because there is no set standard (How could there be?) of how much or how little submission one must give to be considered submissive, we instead give the different levels of submission names to aid in communication. A way of getting an idea of how much or how little control the submissive is willing to give up without having to get to know them.

In the grand scheme of things, one is not better than the other, except for the person in question. They’re just different.

Generally speaking, we call someone who is only submissive in the bedroom or at play parties and such a bottom. They are not interested in giving up total control. They enjoy being dominated sexually – or sometimes just being bound and hurt without involving sex at all – but really have no interest in being controlled on a regular basis. This group of submissive people leaves their submission at the door of their play space.

A lot of people start out here. Being the bottom of a scene is often a gateway. A place where people discover deeper, more submissive desires. I was a bottom before I was a sub and sub before slave. A lot of submissive people I know followed that progression. Not everyone, though.

People occasionally shorten “submissive” when specifically discussing this next group to avoid confusion. It’s a running joke, in the community, that a “sub” is a sandwich, and you’ll occasionally hear people talking about wanting roast beef and provolone on theirs. But since the first day M dragged me onto IRC, using “sub” has been my way of making it clear I am talking about this particular level of submission and not submissive people as a whole.

So what’s a sub? That’s where it gets tricky. Because the line between sub and slave is rather fine and blurs a lot. People often use “submissive” and “slave” interchangeably. But they are not the same thing.

A sub is someone who still retains some control, but is in service to someone else. They have the right to say no and walk away at any time. They have a safe word. They have limits. They’re not owned.

An article I read recently described it best when it said “A submissive is a volunteer. A slave is not.”

A slave is owned. That’s probably the only constant. Some slaves have safe words. Some do not. Some slaves have negotiated limits. Some do not. Some slaves have submissive personalities. Some are only submissive with the one who owns them. Some slaves have given up their right to leave, or consented to having it taken from them. Some retain the right to walk out the door whenever they choose.

Legally, we all have that right. Some of us just choose not to acknowledge it.

In my perfect world, a slave is someone without limits or safe words. A slave is someone who opens himself or herself completely to his or her owner. Complete transparency. Total power exchange. He or she doesn’t have a choice.

But in my reality, it’s illegal to own another human being. Some states don’t recognize consent. In the interest of keeping the owner out of prison, the submissive is allowed to negotiate the rules. Even I can’t or don’t always live up to my perfect world. So it doesn’t surprise me that others don’t, can’t or aren’t interested.

Some say the difference between a submissive and a slave has nothing whatever to do with how much control one gives up or how submissive one is. That it’s in one’s actions. In the way the slave obeys without question or hesitation. In the respect in the slave’s voice when he or she speaks with his or her owner. In the way the slave knows what the owner needs almost before the owner does. But I’ve known some submissives to show their dominants more respect than some slaves show their owners.

A submissive is someone who submits willingly, sometimes on a case by case basis, to the will of another. A slave is someone who is wholly controlled and owned by another. That’s really the sum of it.

Rayne is a loving slave with sadistic tendencies and masochistic desires. Chaos incarnate. The girl your mother warned you about.  She writes toy reviews and blogs about being a 24/7 medium protocol slave to her husband Melen at Insatiable Desire (http://www.insatiabledesire.com/), along with four other bloggers involved in the lifestyle.  She also guest write a series that is a basic look at M/s at Eden Cafe (http://www.edencafe.com/) with a number of other authors who write about various sex-positive subjects.

photo by BL1961

Living as an Emotionally Healthy Submissive

Being an emotionally healthy person is a goal that all of us have but a smaller margin actually accomplish. With the constant stress of commitments and modern day obligations our emotions face the brunt of it. The goal of a submissive is to seek that balance in emotional states so that our service appears stress-free and sincere; even if we have a lot going on in the background. Living as an emotionally healthy submissive takes knowing what is considered healthy to begin with. Applying the following concepts to your own life can help you bring balance to your mental state.

• A healthy submissive nurtures, maintains and develops life-affirming relationships. Rarely are self-destructive relationships sought or sustained. This also includes the the open friendships the submissive has.
• A healthy submissive is capable of intense joy and happiness in a sustained relationship. The feelings expressed by a submissive with a balanced emotional state are full and impressive.
• A healthy submissive is a giver. Even if it means offering their last bit of change, a submissive is willing to sacrifice to bring comfort and happiness to others. Often a submissive needs to learn self-control as to not give over more than they are capable of.
• A healthy submissive is sensitive to the emotional needs of others. Compassion and sympathy are honest emotions that a submissive can get in touch with really easily to comfort others.
• A healthy submissive is accepting of herself and does not have cultural hang ups over her body or appearance. She is comfortable in her skin and is not easily impacted by social media suggestions.

This is just a beginning for what concepts can guide your life in an emotionally healthy way. Seeking balance is what everyone desires. How many times have you heard or said that everything seems out of balance? Bringing peace to your emotional well being is important to living as a happy and healthy submissive.

It’s not as easy as it sounds. I know, I’ve tried. I’m constantly trying to bring peace to myself. “Serenity Now!” The drama of being online a lot, the turmoil of a one income household, loving your best friend forever and knowing that he’s going to beat you tonight because it’s fun. Friendships come and go like the seasons in the garden of life and while you may miss the more vibrant ones, each has touched you in some profound way. Welcoming the joy of past memories into your thoughts can help bring peace.

Interacting with others is also every healthy for the submissive soul. It could be volunteering at an assisted living facility or watching the neighbor’s kids while they go out for a movie. Being there for people replenishes the submissive soul. I’ve even found it welcoming to people watch at the mall. Seeing other people struggle with life can put yours into perspective.

I’ve always envisioned my ideal life as being the peace bringer to my relationship. Someone that can see the stress and dissipate it effortlessly. Trying to achieve that goal helps me lead an emotionally healthier life.

What do you do that keeps you healthy?

Photo by Untitled blue

The Safety Disguise of Safewords

I’ve always believed that safewords are only good if you know how to use them. Good ole communication is great for things like numb limbs, an itch you can’t reach or a bathroom break.  Submissive Guide is here for novices and it’s always good to teach about safewords and recommend that you have one.

In every beginning BDSM book you will find information on safewords. On this site I have an essay on safewords. What I’ve read recently from Emma is some very obvious news about safewords that most people don’t pick up on their own and never share with others. Well, I’m going to share it with you.

Protect Your Safety

In a play situation you need to establish trust with your play partner. If you choose to play with a relative stranger you are putting yourself in danger of not having your safeword respected. Safewords can not protect you from someone who intends to do you harm. No matter how many times you shout ‘red’ in a dangerous situation a predator will not heed. Just like a stop sign, it only works if drivers obey the law and actually stop. The trust that is needed in a relationship is what makes a safe word really work for you.

Don’t ever expect your safeword to protect you. I’ve read horror stories where a submissive said she thought her safeword was all she needed to stay safe. A lot of the BDSM play we engage in is inherently dangerous and risky (even if you believe in Safe, Sane and Consensual). A verbalized stop word is not going to make you any safer.

It Starts With Trust

You can not have safewords without trust. As you’ve read and hopefully understand now a safeword is a false blanket of security. Building trust with your partner is all about open, honest communication and respect. How do you build trust?

The answer is acceptance.

Once you accept your partner for who they are then your trust will come right along with it. Sure that means you need to accept yourself first and we are always hearing about that, but in this article we are building trust in our partner so that if we choose to use safewords they will work.

Negotiate, Negotiate, Negotiate

Every relationship starts somewhere, even the quick and casual play partners are relationships. I can’t stress enough that you need to communicate and share your needs and desires in order to get them. Doing this also includes requesting and agreeing on a safeword if works for you. Even if a Dominant doesn’t believe in safewords, a negotiation where a safeword is requested should be honored.

Say ‘No’

In the worst situation imaginable where your safeword is being ignored, begin screaming ‘no’. Unfortunately this won’t necessarily make the person stop but it will give you some legal leverage later. Not all legal authorities understand or respect stop words, our safewords. They will ask if you said ‘no’.

Wrapping It Up

It’s not my intention to scare you or convince you that you shouldn’t have a safeword. I’m hoping that what you’ve learned is that you need to have more than a word to protect you if you plan to play.

Do you have any other advice about safewords that you’d like to pass on?

Strengths and Misconceptions of Kajira

This is another guest post by dina of kajiradreams. She continues her thoughts on Gor and the life of a kajira. You can also read her thoughts on what it’s like to be an owned kajira.

The strengths of a kajira and the misconceptions of what a kajira is and does.
And what strengths better a kajira in being her Master’s absolute and total property….

I want to make one statement before I write what was set of me.
Gor, Gorean philosophy, Gorean lifestyle is exactly that. A lifestyle that is chose by those that have a particular set of intrinsic ideals. I have no time for role-players or wannabes. it is not something that you can ‘act’. It is not a ‘role’ you can play. It has to be lived, from the heart. Also, Gor is a fictional planet within a series of fantasy novels written by John Lange under the pen name John Norman. Gorean lifestyle can be lived here on Earth, but with adaptations, compromises and understanding. Gor of the books is fiction. The underlying principles and values are real.

I feel I should start with the misconceptions surrounding a kajira, as I know so many people in my life that would look with horror and complete incomprehension of that word (that is is they knew what it meant). To outside observers Gorean philosophy appears to subjugate women, treating them as mere objects, owned, ordered about, used as mere sex objects. It also appears at first glance to be all about sex, about sex mad dumb blondes with no brains or ability to exercise their own independence or free will… with no brains to know what they want, reliant on another person. women who have no mind of their own, no thoughts or ideas. Men who want to just use females, objectify them, dehumanise them… All in all, weak minded, easily controlled people who get a kick out of being treat like a piece of meat.

Sorry to disappoint you all agreeing with that statement, but it isn’t.
The Gorean lifestyle actually allows women to be women and men to be Men. I am a woman, quite categorically female and I am a completely different creature of the human species type to Men, I am softer in nature, more emotional, curvier and more able to love unconditionally. Gor allows me to be true to my nature and to myself.

Ultimately Gor comes down to the need for control though. The need of one person to be controlled and another to take control. Gor is about finding yourself in fulfilling that need.

So what are the strengths of a kajira?
For me a kajira is a woman who is confident in her femininity, strong in her commitment and strong in spirit. As kajira I offered myself to my Master freely, of my own free will and in that I chose to give my own will into his care. I am obedient, not because I have to, but because I choose to be. I know I can be forced into obedience by my Master, but that would not be pleasing. My first priority is to be pleasing to my Master and within that I choose to willingly do whatever he asks in order to meet his desires. In doing so I gain pleasure. A kajira is expected to give herself over entirely to her Master, heart, mind, body and spirit and under his guidance learn what is expected of her. I find as I learn more and more what is expected of me, I give more and more of myself. It is without doubt a difficult process and fears surface each time a limit is pushed or a change is realised, but it is a very worthwhile journey and not everything is painful. A Master does not walk this path out of cruelty or a desire to inflict pain, or a desire to have a kajira who will blindly do his bidding… I mean, how many people really want to spend time with a mindless robot? I don’t walk this path as kajira out of fear either, but because I want to. I want to please my Master, in every and any way I can. I want to meet his expectations of me, I want him to be proud of who and what I am, and what I freely give to him out of love and trust and submission. I need to remember, internalize that thought and trust that what my Master demands of me is for my own good.

It has been said that a kajira has no responsibilities or thoughts of her own, that the master holds all the responsibilities. All I can say to that is get real! have you ever actually thought about what it really means to be pleasing to a Master at all times? I am by no means expert, but even I know It certainly is not easy and neither is it meant to be. I find my master makes me look into myself, recognize and accept my beauty, speak my ideas, thoughts, dreams, fantasies and aspirations and be loved just for being myself. It is a hard thing to do.. to accept yourself and realize that you are loved just for being that person, the dark side of your nature just as much as the light. It takes an inordinate amount of strength, but in doing so I see that no matter what, my love for him is returned 10 fold and I am forced to feel it; I feel my life is safe from harm, that my Master protects me and shields me from all that is wrong in the world, whether that be other peoples actions, intent or malice. This strong, dominant, honourable man who consciously and purposefully demands every intimate feeling and thought I have. The desire and need that creates within me is overwhelming, the need to turn over my most basic human rights and trust totally and completely in one Man and his decisions. In a previous post I made reference to IE. IE for those that do not know, stands for Internal Enslavement. If you want to know what that is, look it up. I am not going to explain it here.

The strengths of a kajira for me is to allow this to happen. To have the strength to give that level of control over to another, to trust that they will act accordingly in the best interests of both themselves and their property. The strength to look into yourself and accept everything that is there, good and bad. The strength to change aspects of yourself in order to please another. The strength to place everything you have ever accepted as intrinsic to who you are, to one side as you learn. To relearn who you are and your place in life and in society. The strength to consciously choose a path whereby another will exercise the process of IE within you, knowing full well that as you walk that path you consciously and freely chose the end result, the result whereby you are psychologically bound to your Master in such a way you are mentally no longer able to exercise free will.

I am uncomfortable admitting it within myself, but I am a strong person. It keeps being pointed out to me and demonstrated quite clearly, but I feel uncomfortable accepting it when I find myself turning into everything I have previously detested. but I am strong. I will make those changes for my Master, not just because he demands it of me, but because I need to. It takes great strength to be completely 100% honest with another, especially when it is regarding things you are ashamed of or things that have upset you in the past, but I do it. I do so because I trust my Master to guide me and teach me how to please him better. One that sticks out quite sharply for me as a strength is the ability to trust in his judgment. I need to explain this one a bit better.

I am not a mindless robot. I am fiery, I am passionate, I am ruled by strong deep-seated emotions, I am intelligent, I have ideas, thoughts, concerns, issues, fantasies, wants and needs. It is instinctual when someone demands an action for me to question. sometimes there will be quite strong fears or concerns regarding this. Being kajira does not mean that I give my Master blind obedience; being kajira means that there is a time and a place for everything. That I must trust my Master to allow me to express those fears and concerns, that I must trust him to help me work through them so they are no longer barriers. That I must trust my Master to be acting in both his and my best interests. and that at the end of it all, regardless of how strongly opposed my own feelings may or may not be, I have the strength to say the words which are the right of every kajirae. “Yes Master”.

Another key strength for me is being able to let go, lose myself as I fall down this rabbit hole in the knowledge that my Master will always be there when I fail, and I will fail for I am human but he will be there allowing me to pick myself up, evaluate what went wrong and continue the journey, knowing that as I lose myself, I also find myself.

Two final points to make, I know I have rambled on here quite a bit and I have repeated myself a lot… I am not going to edit it though as I feel it will detract from showing my Master my thought process.

1. I have an ever growing, innate need to be pleasing to my Master. I cannot switch that off. It eats inside me, demanding to be fed and to feed it means giving everything I am over to the hands of another; becoming bound to them in a way that there is no retreat, no escape route, no leniency. This is a very frightening concept and process, but just because it is ’scary’ does not mean I will back away from it. I always have enjoyed a good fight and I know within myself I have that strength to move through those fears and become everything I can be and more.
2. “If you resent being polished how can you become a mirror”. Within the need to be pleasing to my Master, there is a further desire to be a reflection of him, his ideals, his standards, his integrity, honesty, confidence, strength of character, dedication and commitment. I desire for my Master to see within me what I see in him. He makes me so happy and content and complete. I want to give him everything he desires and more besides. I have to. I have to in order to be true to myself.

Done. Finito!

Photo by Strength ~vs~ Weakness

What It Means to Be an Owned Kajira

Would you like to get a topical newsletter sent directly to your email on a regular basis?

Submissive Guide now has a bi-weekly newsletter that can help you improve submission and explore BDSM, just like the website. Why subscribe to the newsletter?

• Unique, quality content delivered directly to your email!
• Essays and tips not available on the website!
• Each newsletter is on a different topic, and you drive the suggestions for topics!
• Occasional updates about Submissive Guide!
• First chance at new promotions, contests, giveaways and new features!

And that’s not all….

When you subscribe now you will get my new report on Wants and Needs: Knowing what you need and expressing your desires absolutely free, just for signing up. The report is 18 pages of useful and quality information that every novice submissive could use.

Newsletter

Would you like to get a topical newsletter sent directly to your email on a regular basis?

Submissive Guide now has a bi-monthly newsletter that can help you improve submission and explore BDSM, just like the website. Why subscribe to the newsletter?

• Unique, quality content delivered directly to your email!
• Essays and tips not available on the website! (Essays posted on the site 6 months after they are sent in a newsletter)
• Some of the best essays from the site!
• Each newsletter is on a different topic, and you drive the suggestions for topics!
• Occasional updates about Submissive Guide!
• First chance at new promotions, contests, giveaways and new features!

And that’s not all….

When you subscribe now you will get my new report on Wants and Needs: Knowing what you need and expressing your desires absolutely free, just for signing up. The report is 18 pages of useful and quality information that every novice submissive could use.

Now Available: The Spanking Series in E-Book!

If you have ever wondered how you can get the spanking you’ve always wanted but wasn’t sure how to ask for it, there is a book for you. I was just offered the chance to review a copy of How to Get the Spanking You Want: The Complete Guide to Asking for It, Getting It & Making It Better by Vivian of The Disciplined Feminist. I’ve just been able to browse it so far and read the first chapter but I’m already impressed!

The book is an excellent read for anyone that is on the edge about asking for a spanking, understanding why you desire that spanking and how to get what you want once you have asked for it. The book really is that special. The language so far is easy to read and welcoming to the newcomer to spanking as a lifestyle choice. You won’t be disappointed. This wisdom can only come from someone with over 20 years experience and education and training in the field of gender roles and psychology.

Get your PDF copy of the book now!

From the info page:

Written in an honest, compassionate and easy-to-read style, this guide will share with you…

• The real reasons your partner may be reluctant to spank you that will surprise and even shock you! (page 89)
• Why the popular “I Love Lucy” method of teasing or “bratting” your partner into spanking you is virtually guaranteed to fail — and may even hurt your relationship! (page 41)
• How to stop being disappointed when your real-life spankings don’t measure up to your fantasies (page 20)
• What to do if your partner has already said “no” to spanking you (page 70)
• How to take a spanking — yes, there are special techniques for receiving as well as giving a good spanking! (page 120)
• Getting past your embarrassment about wanting to be spanked (page 16)
• What it really takes to build a satisfying spanking relationship (page 140)
• How to prepare for your first real spanking (page 99)
• What to do if you find yourself getting a spanking that’s more painful that you expected (page 134)
• Get spanked in public without getting your partner arrested (page 154)
• How to cope if you need a spanking and don’t have a partner
• The 7 steps to more satisfying spankings (page 140)
• How to safely get spanked if you have a history of childhood abuse
• Expanded 2nd edition — 12 additional pages of material!
• And much more!

Get your PDF copy of the book now!

Still not sure? Here’s an excerpt of the book:

“HOW TO GET THE SPANKING YOU WANT”
(www.HowToGetaSpanking.com, © Variant Books 2009, all rights reserved.  Used with permission.)

How to Take a Spanking

Most of the focus on spankings revolves around the way that spankings are given. And this is understandable.  After all, the person spanking is doing the obvious work in the situation.  He’s the one who has to know how to spank, how long to spank, how hard to spank, etc.  All you have to do is lay there and get your spanking.

Or so it seems.

Many people are surprised to learn that there is just as much of an art to taking a spanking as there is to giving one.  So while your partner is learning the art of spanking, you’ll want to learn the art of being spanked.

To learn how to take a spanking, let’s start with the most basic fact that often gets overlooked when you’re anticipating your first spanking…

Real spankings hurt

If you haven’t been spanked before, this often comes as a big shock.  But it’s true:  spankings hurt.  A lot.  Probably a lot more than you realize.

Spankings are, of course, supposed to hurt.  But it’s one thing to imagine that they’re going to hurt and quite another to experience that pain in real life on your very own tender and vulnerable bottom.

In our fantasies, we know that spankings hurt and we probably even imagine how much they hurt and what our reaction will be.  Perhaps we imagine that we cry and beg for mercy or resist the spanking and are forced to take it even though it hurts.  Or maybe we imagine being stoic and brave and keeping a “stiff upper lip” through a severe caning or paddling, like in those British boarding school movies.

But by and large, most of our fantasies focus on the other parts of a spanking – how deliciously embarrassing it would be to be, say, be spanked in front of your class at school, or the thrill of being turned over your partner’s knee and having your skirt flipped off and your bottom bared like a naughty little girl. Or countless other scenarios and details that contribute to the excitement of being spanked.

Which is why it can be a pretty rude awakening when you feel that first swat on your bottom and realize how extreme the pain really is.  To repeat: spankings (even “mild” ones) hurt.

If you aren’t ready for how much a spanking is going to hurt, you may have a pretty extreme reaction to the pain.  That’s because your survival instinct is pre-programmed to protest – strenuously – whenever it registers that you feel pain.  Your survival instinct doesn’t care that you’re turned on by spankings. That’s because it’s even stronger than your spanking desires. It just gets the signal from your bottom that you are feeling pain and does what it’s programmed to do – resist, get away, fight back or whatever feels safest and most likely to work at that instant.

This reaction, whatever it is, is likely to surprise you. You have wanted a spanking for so long and imagined it so often in your head that the idea that you would resist or not want the pain may catch you off guard.

And it may also be very upsetting or disturbing to your partner, whom you remember is probably still a bit nervous that he’s going to hurt you too much and get himself in trouble.

If you react very intensely to the pain of the spanking, you may be confirming for your partner all of his worst fears – that he is a closet abuser who has just done a terrible and unforgivable thing to you by hitting you and causing you pain (and yes, the darker fear that you will get angry with him and turn him in to the police for beating you).

If you have never been spanked before, you would be wise to assume going in that you’re going to have this extreme reaction to your first real spanking, no matter how much you want and need it.

To be safe, it’s important to talk with your partner beforehand about this possibility so that he’s prepared for whatever reaction you have and reassure him that you will not hold him responsible or accuse him of domestic abuse if your spanking hurts more than you realize.

In addition, you may want to talk with your partner in advance about bruising or marks on your skin.  Many spankers are fine with the spanking, and then become upset the next day when they see the results of their handiwork on their partner’s vulnerable skin.

I’m not going to tell you here that you should avoid bruising or marks. The truth is that most of the methods that claim to avoid bruising don’t work all that well and aren’t particularly reliable.  Iif you’re going to get spanked, you’re probably going to get bruised.  Your job is to make sure you’re okay with this, and then to make sure your partner knows you’re okay with it – or even excited by these lasting reminders of your spanking.

Real spankings can be shocking

In addition to hurting more than we might realize, spankings can be psychologically shocking, even if we’ve fantasized about them.

If we’ve never been spanked or hit before, the experience of being spanked – literally hit – can trigger intense emotions that go even deeper than our very deep desire to be spanked.

During your spanking, you may experience anything from panic and terror to extreme crying and feelings of helplessness.

None of these reactions means that you are wrong to want a spanking.  They just mean that your spanking has triggered some deeper emotions and instincts in you that you will need to deal with.

First of all, you may just be having the instinctive reaction to being hit that we talked about in the prior section.  We all have that primitive “fight or flight” reaction inside that is triggered whenever we feel physically or psychologically threatened.  The part of your brain that is designed to keep you safe by triggering this instinct may be doing its job, regardless of what the part of you that is turned on by the idea of being spanked says.

Second, spanking is also cathartic.  Because it’s an intense experience, getting a spanking can release all kinds of emotions that you are carrying around inside from the rest of your life that you haven’t expressed.

For example, if you’re having a difficult time at work, but haven’t given yourself permission to “let it out” and express your frustration,  you may find yourself letting it all out during your spanking.  You may find yourself crying a lot more than you (or your partner) believes is justified given the severity of your spanking.

If you find yourself in a catharsis during your spanking, my advice is to go with it and accept it as a blessing and a gift.  One of the wonderful, amazing parts of being spanked is the ability to let go of your responsible, strong self and let your vulnerable self show.  Cry like a baby, sob your guts out – let the spanking cleanse all of that negative emotion out of you.  Afterwards, you will probably feel like you went to a spa or had a nice massage!

So to help you take your spanking with grace and courage, even when you feel like you can’t stand another swat, what follows are some tips to help with the pain…

Get your PDF copy of the book now!

That’s not all though, she has a companion book written for the spanker titled, How to Give a Spanking: Advice from the Receiving End. I have this book as well to read and let you know what it’s like in a review coming later. If it’s anything like what I’ve read so far it will be well worth it.

If you buy both books today, you get 20% off! That’s a wonderful bundle deal, so don’t wait. Get these wonderful spanking resources now.

The BDSM Checklist that Will Really Help You

An important part of negotiating a scene is discussing what you want out of the scene. Sure there are a lot of really thorough BDSM checklists that you could fill out if you don’t want to really think about what turns you on and drives you crazy with pleasure. BDSM checklists all live under different names. You can call them limit lists, negotiation lists, negotiation checklists and perhaps ones I’ve never heard. They are all based on a similar idea. If you make a list of the things you enjoy or don’t enjoy you can easily share them with the person you want to play with to find out if you can build a scene that will satisfy both of your needs and desires.

The kind of list that I really like is the Yes/No/Maybe list. It doesn’t require you to look up terms you don’t know or try to figure out if you’d be into something you’ve never heard of. This list is a living document and can go in your training resume to be updated as you grow and develop in your submission. I feel that this list will give you a better view of your desires and limits than a list where you rank things by number or leave you questioning if you really are kinky by the number of question marks you put down on things you don’t know.

The YES/NO/MAYBE List

Today I’d like you to get your Yes/No/Maybe list together. Even if you have a limits list already written up; start fresh. See what you can come up with on your own.  First take a big piece of paper and make a list of all the sexual and BDSM activities you can think of, including the ones you wouldn’t choose for yourself.

After you finish with the big list of all possible activities, take a regular piece of paper and make three columns. At the top mark them YES, NO and MAYBE. In the YES column write all the items that you know you like or that you definitely want to try. The NO column are for the things that are out of your limits at this time or things you definitely don’t want to do.  The MAYBE column are for things you might like to do with the right person or if you were turned on enough or interested in but not sure of the safety around it. This is the exploration list.

And just in case you didn’t think of them, here are a few things that end up on the NO list of many experienced players:

• Temporary marks
• Permanent marks
• Play with urine or feces
• Play with guns or knives
• Sexual or genital play or penetration
• Unsafe sex
• Breathing constriction
• Use of drugs and alcohol
• No touching areas or sensitivities
• Triggers ( like “Don’t use belts, they remind me of childhood abuse.”)

Now that you have the lists finished take some time to look at the YES column. Go through each item and mark it with an ‘N’ if you need it to have a good play session. You can mark the rest with ‘W’ for want, including some in the MAYBE column. These are the icing on the cake items, the things that make play facinating and challenging and fun.

Now that you have this list you can look for a negotiations checklist from online or in books. These lists have important information areas like health issues, triggers, medications you are on and so forth. Each list ranges in detail so find one that meets your needs. You can use the lists you find to help you fill out your own list, but don’t add anything so out there that you forget what it is.

Enjoy your explorations!

Dressing for a Play Party; What to Wear

After the invitation has been recieved and you decide to go comes a moment of panic for many submissives. What do you wear to a play party? As with everything here, take these as suggestions and ideas for your own wardrobe. All parties are not created equal and be sure to find out if you have to dress at the party or if you can wear it off the street. There are also different dress codes for private parties vs. public/membership clubs. Pay attention to the requirements of these places when selecting what you want to wear.

Even if you don’t have any fetish wear in your wardrobe I’m sure you can find something that would be acceptable at the party. Depending on your level of undress that you desire it could be as simple as a matching bra and panty set with maybe some garters and heels. Lingerie is always welcome at parties that I’ve been too as well. Corsets, bustiers and cinchers of any sort are quite common. From these ideas I’m sure you can come up with something to wear if you have never dressed for a party before.

Now, if you have leather, rubber, latex or another fabric in clothing then that’s also quite welcome at these events. Tight blue jeans have been a welcom site when paired with some leather or sexy top. One party I went to I saw a woman wearing only rope in the form of a dress (an actual dress) it was really neat. I imagine that it took the rigger a long time to get it wrapped just right.

There is always the customary black clothing which seems to be a Top/Dom staple. Must be something about the attitude and nature of the desires being expressed at the party that draw people to black clothing. Dressing stylishly and sexy wins when coming in off the street for a party. If in doubt ask the host/hostess.

Other things I’ve seen worn at play parties are:

• Hotpants
• Collars of all sorts
• Costumes (nurse, school girl, policman, military, etc)
• Chastity belts
• Leather harnesses
• Chaps
• Cod pieces
• Gauntlets in rope, leather or rubber
• Knee high or thigh high boots
• Zentai suits

Cost can be a huge interence when it comes to obtaining fetish wear but you can be creative and come up with outfits that will work for you and not break the bank. Check out the essay, ‘Fetish Wear for a Tenner or Less by Lauren‘. She gives some wonderful ideas that are versitle and useful.

Most importantly is to feel good in what you are wearing. It could make or break the outfit. Don’t wear something just because everyone else does, wear it because it makes you feel good, you feel in character or you love how you look in it. That attitude will show in whatever you choose to wear.

Enjoy the party!

photo by Markusram

Introducing Kink into an Existing Relationship

When you discover that you might be kinky there are a lot of questions surrounding how to accept that. One of those may be trying to explore that kink with your existing partner. But how do you bring up the subject and how do you handle what they may say about the ideas you are entertaining? Learning you may have kinky desires is not uncommon but dealing with the emotional repercussions can be difficult. You should try to stay the course and work through your thoughts slowly so that you don’t overwhelm yourself or enter sub frenzy.

Once you deal with your own emotions and feelings surrounded your new found interests, it may be time to talk to your partner about them. This can be a very nerve wrecking time for you but worth the effort you are going to put into it, right? A lot of partners are willing to try new and adventurous new things if asked. Things like light bondage, spanking or Dominant/submissive role play generally are well received for sex play.  Other activities will require conversations with your partner.

Talk About It

Plan a moment where there won’t be any distraction and talk about your new feelings and desires. Be honest about it and open for positive and negative responses. If you need help, get a book or find a few websites online to help you with your discussion. Don’t give your partner ultimatums, they will need time to understand what you are asking from them and to find out themselves if they are interested. It’s a change in the relationship they may not have expected, but then it could also be very exciting for them. A good book to maybe have laying on the bedside table is When Someone You Love Is Kinky by Dossie Easton. It comes highly recommended on Amazon and is an appropriate read for anyone new and nervous.

Leave Subtle Clues

Like I mentioned above you can leave a book out for your partner to see, but other things work too. Magazines that talk about kinky sex play, bookmark pictures of ads that show someone tied up or blindfolded, start leaving links to sites online to educational kink resources like The Iron Gate or Leather and Roses. Tell your partner your fantasies that involve some kinky things and see how they react. The goal here is to feel things out and see how they may react before talking to them outright.

After the Big Talk

Once you get someone interested in trying something don’t let the ball drop. Experiment, play around, be adventurous. You may find that you both have interests to explore and fun things to do with each other that you never thought possible. I could bring your relationship closer together and engage a level of intimacy that was not possible before. You relationship dynamic could change for the better. Revel in the changes and enjoy yourself.

If Things Go South

Not every situation turns out for the better. Some people just can’t be kinky and don’t want to entertain your fantasies or relationship desires. You may have to make a choice to never entertain your desires or to find someone that will. The hard decisions in life may be ahead for you. For me personally, that meant divorce. I found what I was looking for and while I know I failed at marriage, I know that my decision was the right one. For you it could mean opening your relationship to make room for a Dominant while keeping the existing relationship. It could mean that you become an online submissive and get your emtional and mental desires fed that way.

Don’t give up. Thing have a tendancy to work themselves out.

Additional Reading

How to make your Vanilla Boyfriend Kink Friendly

If you have suggestions for someone trying to introduce kinky play into their relationship, please leave them in the comments.

photo by captain.orange

This Collar, That Collar, Your Collar, My Collar

A collar for submissives is one of the most fundamental symbols of their relationship and one that is usually gaurded and protected with their heart.  With all the essays online about collars I thought I’d jump in with my own take on what everyone says and believes about collars.

Play Collars

The first type of collar is the play collar. No matter what type of relationship you have now, at one point you had a leather collar with a D-ring or two that you wore during BDSM play. It’s quite common for anyone into BDSM to get one for all of the dark desires that get played out. Lifestyle submissives may have a collar worn during play also in addition to their permanent collar. 

Online Collars

An online collar may not be something you feel should be covered in the same post as ‘real’ collars, but no matter how you earn or wear your collar, they symbolism of the collar means the same thing. An online collar is usually denoted with brackets and your Dom’s initials next to your nickname. I’ve seen curly braces {Dom} for online-only and square braces [Dom] for real-time collars. Heck, I’ve even seen one of each to signify that there is real time play, but the relationship is mostly online. Creatively speaking it is interesting to see the number of collars online and to ask what it means to them to wear it. When I’m online I tend to wear one out of habit from my online days.

The issue most people have with online collars is their velcro like quality. It is not uncommon to see a submissive with a different collar everytime they are online. I don’t get offended by it really, but many others feel it cheapens the value of their own collars. Although they are allowed to express their feelings and they are valid I don’t believe another person has any bearing on your own collar. In the case of velcro collars, I like to think of them as play collars. You only wear it during play and if you are a casual player you could very well have one for each Dom you play with. It’s along the same premise. 

Symbolism

The collar is the most outward symbol that a submissive can wear that was given to them by their Dominant. It is usually the most important piece of jewelry worn on a daily basis. There are many different ways to think about your collar. Some consider it equal to an engagement ring or wedding band. The commitment that they feel in the relationship makes it that important. For others it is a strong symbol of commitment but not of the same calibre as a wedding ring. Further yet, there are people who feel their collar is just a symbol and nothing more. There is a wide spectrum of others who feel somewhere in the middle of it all. There is no one correct way to feel about your collar.

What might one look like?

A collar comes in as many physical forms as it does symbolisms. A collar can be a basic leather band, a piece of jewelry, specially made steel locking collars, tattoos, brands, piercing or other mark. There really is no rule for what one should look like as long as the people involved in the relationship agree with what it means to them.  

Would you like to share what your collar looks like? Send me a picture and I will include it in this post.

Levels of collars

I’ve read from Mistress Steele’s website about the different levels of collars. According to the website these are Collar of Consideration, Training Collar and Formal Collar. I personally don’t have any experience with the different levels. I was under consideration during our first few months together, but face it, so was he ;) I earned my collar after 18 months being together. It is a serious thing for us and one of the most special memories I have.

There is nothing wrong with desiring a graduated system of collars. It could be under the same idea of how Leathermen earn their leathers. It’s a progression and well worth it.

When Submissives Go Wild: Sub Frenzy

Submissive Frenzy is a state of mind that you may experience at any point in your submission. It is most commonly associated with new submissives, but it can also come about when more seasoned submissives end a relationship or even during a relationship. During submissive frenzy, you may feel a desperate need to have your desires fullfilled. Many of the activities in BDSM can be considered addictive and frenzy is much like a withdrawl stage. 

I imagine that many of you during your younger years found a unspecific need or desire for something that you could not name. It possibly caused confusion and frustration and perhaps outbursts. You couldn’t name what you were needing, but there was a need. Then when you found out about submission and BDSM there was a moment where that need was named. In that moment it is likely that you began the initial stages of submissive frenzy.

You wanted it, you needed it, you had to have it and anything you could do to experience what you were longing for for so long had to be met. Dangerously, this leads to lack of common sense and rational thought, desperation and risky behavior. It is quite common that first experiences done in this frenzy can have a negative or damaging effect on the novice submissive. Your judgement is blurred and the Dominant you are in contact with could seem too wonderful, you ‘fall in love’ faster and will do anything to experience what they are offering. 

During my initial sub frenzy I met with a Dominant at their house, at night, for the first time. He was nice at first, but then things lead to play and it went too far. He harmed me in a no go zone. I accepted his apology but just 2 weeks later, he did the same thing again. This time landing me in the ER to have my tailbone area drained of fluid and bruising.  This event straightened me up pretty fast and I become more cautious of who I saw and when. I would never wish this experience on anyone, however. Try not to feed the frenzy, no matter how desperate you may be.

As I noted earlier this state of frenzy can occur at any point in a submissive’s life and is not limited to the new submissive. In fact, it occurs sometimes even stronger in more seasoned submissives. They have a need that they recognize as perhaps to ‘have their edges taken off’, and they know exactly how that can be done through their own experience. The difference is that the older submissive can then ‘evaluate’ what part of their need is pressing upon them. Many then learn to go to a Dominant they are not bonded to and ask this person they trust (often as a good friend) to relieve their physical need (play). Many Dominant’s (experienced ones) will be willing to assist or aide their friend knowing that keeping the submissives edges down will allow that submissive to retain the majority of their rational functions while they are seeking their next mate. This action ‘reduces’ the submissives vulnerability. – Sub Frenzies, Mistress Steele

You may need and want to have your desires met with such fervor that you make the wrong decisions, but hopefully I have given you tools here on Submissive Guide to recognize what is safe and what is not. Frenzy is a natural response to the needs you are discovering. Allowing it to take over your other primary goals in life, however is dangerous and should be monitored. Find friends in the lifestyle and talk to them when you are feeling a surge in desire. Try to keep the monster at bay until you can find an outlet in a safe and rational way.

photo by tonypavone

Cyber Submission and Exploring D/s Online

Am I Normal? Exploring Normalcy in BDSM Relationships

One of the first questions a new submissive asks themselves is are they normal for desiring the things they do. This could be kinky sex, humiliation or service. Anything that appears to fall outside the vanilla umbrella can cause a novice to question if they are normal. This in fact, is normal.

Everyone questions themselves at one time or another. I’ve questioned myself many times. Each time I come out with a better understanding of myself and what I want in life. There is no reason to be afraid of new and different things. You may find that these things are worth your attention and could fulfill you in ways you never though possible.

For example, even if you never thought you’d explore bondage you one day had the desire to see what it was all about. There is nothing wrong with trying it out to see what feelings and sensations there were. If you find you love it, then that’s just one more thing to learn all you can about and have fun with it. If you find there isn’t really a strong pull towards it you can chalk it on the no thank you list. Either way, it’s normal and human to explore things that are different and foreign.

What about things that could be dangerous or involve risks? Does this mean you are a risky person? Not really. Everything you do has risks, even driving to the corner store could end in a deadly accident. Just because there are risks involved doesn’t mean you should shelter your desires.

So what is normal? How can it be defined in a BDSM context? Not very easily, in fact. Normal is different for each person. Everyone’s idea of normal fluctuates and changes during their lives. So your idea of normal now won’t be the same 5 years or even 5 months from now.

The uncomfortable feelings you experience when everything is still brand new have nothing to do with normalcy but with acceptance. When you accept your feelings as normal then you will feel normal. Thousands of people all over the world are exploring new and exciting things all the time. Join the fun!

Photo credit by Stryker W@SP

A Great Example of a Slave’s Rosary

On FetLife quite awhile back now, a slave posted her version of a rosary with her Master as the focus. As with any rosary or prayer beads, it is used in mediation and presents a spirituality in service that can be adopted and adapted to fit your relationship.

I’ve always had a curiosity with religious artifacts and items used by the believers. I’ve even made and had blessed a set of rosary beads for a friend of mine. They were very special for me to make, and I will most likely do it again for someone new.

The following is a rosary, set up in the same format as the Catholic Rosary to be said during times of mediation for a slave. You can change the prayers any way you’d like or reorganize them. I would love to know if you have your own submissive Rosary and could share that in the comments!

For those not familiar, a typical Rosary consists of an emblem, three beads leading up to a medallion, and then five sets each of ten beads separated by a single bead.

The Order of Prayers

written by Syr_David’s ~melly

Begin at the emblem (1) then the single bead (2) then the three beads (3) then (4) and then the single bead (5) skip the medallion and start on the decades (set of ten beads) (6) after each of those, say (7) and then on the single bead, (8) . Repeat for each decade. At the end, (the medallion) you can say the slaves prayer again, or whatever mantra you wish to end with.

1. I say a portion of my oath of fealty here. You can repeat the “Slave’s Prayer“, or whatever is pertinent to you (original was the Apostle’s Creed).
2. Say the “Master, owner of my body“.
3. Say three “I am your slave“.
4. Say the “In gratitude“.
5. Announce (or think) the principle of your service that you will be concentrating on, and say the “Owner of my body“.
6. Say ten “I am your slave” while considering and concentrating on the principle or idea you have.
7. Say the “In gratitude“.
8. Say the principle you are meditating on, and say the “Master, owner of my body“.

The Prayers

Slave’s Prayer – adapted from A Submissive’s Prayer

Allow me the Serenity to serve Him in peace

Allow me the Love to show Him myself

Allow me the Tenderness to comfort Him

Allow me the Light to show us the way

Allow me the Wisdom to be an asset to Him

Let me be able to show Him each day my love of service to Him

Let me open myself up to completely belong to Him

Let me accept my punishments with grace

Let me learn to please Him beyond myself

Grant me the power to give myself to Him completely

Give me the strength to please us both

Permit me to love myself in loving Him

Return to Prayer Order

Master, owner of my body

Master, owner of my body and director of my will, you are with me. I am thankful that I serve you. Let me be transparent as glass, that my heart may be visible always, for my entire self, even unto the workings of my mind, are yours. Master, I honor you with my service and submit to you with my thoughts, words, and deeds, so that I may be a reflection of your will, and the manifestation of your desires.

Return to Prayer Order

I am your slave

Master, I am your slave and your property. I will work and I will sacrifice that I may reflect your intentions, and make of myself a window to the soul you own. Use me Master, as you see fit, that I may learn to serve and to submit to you in all things.

Return to Prayer Order

In Gratitude

In gratitude I serve, and in thankfulness I submit, and in peace I honor my Master with my trust.

Return to Prayer Order

photo by Muffet

Mapping Out Your Ideal Submission

Continuing the work on your training resume, I’d like to talk about mapping out how you dream of your submission being. This is a discussion of ideals and dreams. You can be as fanciful as you want right now, we will narrow things down as we go along. There are 3 things I’d like to focus on in this post. What your ideal relationship is, the structure you’d like to have and the level of protocol you dream of having. This works for kinky bedroom relationships and also full time dynamics.

Get out pen and paper because what we are going to do is make a map of our ideal relationship. If you have ever made a mind map, you know what are about to do; if not, below are some links to information about mind maps. A mind map is a colorful whole brain approach to taking notes and putting together thoughts and common ideas.

• How to make a Mind Map
• Mind Maps: A Powerful Approach to Note-Taking
• How to Mind Map
• Learning Skills: Mind Mapping

An excellent free online tool for mind mapping can be found at MindMeister.com

Ideal Relationship

Your first mind map should be about your ideal relationship and what you are looking for in a partner. As with all mind maps, the very center should be an image or central thought. Let’s put your partner there. Branching from that you can put physical features that attract you, activities you enjoy, emotional attachment levels and  future desires for children, income, housing and other future wants and needs. Don’t leave anything out.

Structure

The second mind map is about the structure of your D/s dynamic. Do you want monogamy or poly-relations? Are you looking to be a pet, or perhaps a service submissive? Is Internal slavery your desire? How strict should the person be? Does punishment and discipline for rule violations intrigue you? How frequently do you want to play?

This is just a jumping off point, you can expand and explore everything you are looking for in  the D/s part of your relationship.

Protocol

This mind map will probably be the most difficult. In this mind map, I’d like you to think about example rules and routine you’d like to develop. Think about how you’d like to act, what you dream about doing or saying in specific moments of your day or relationship. Do you like Gorean living? Perhaps a tiered system of a poly household? Dream up your rules and rituals that you may want to explore.

When you have completed your mind maps they should help you see how your dreams and future goals go together, how your ideal relationship is planned out in your mind and is now on paper. You can use this to help you communicate to your partner or when looking for that special person. Keep it in your training resume binder.

Building your Training Resume

1. Beginning Your Training Resume
2. Recording Your Training History
3. Recording Your Completed Training
4. Mapping Out Your Ideal Submission
5. The BDSM Checklist that will Really Help You
6. Add Your Reading List
7. Add Cons, Classes and Events

photo credit by harpreet thinking