SkylerPet’s Helpful Holiday Hints

This post is another guest post by Skylerpet. You can read her other posts here. She’s wants to help us all get through the holidays with less stress. Here’s some tips to help you. If you have other tips for holiday stress, please leave them in the comments!

With the holiday season in full swing, things can get pretty hectic.  It seems like there’s always more things to do, a list left unfinished.  So I thought I’d share a few tips that I’ve learned over the years to make things go a little smoother.  As submissives it’s important for us to be able to get through these things with as few mishaps as possible, so that we may serve our Master’s better and insure their holidays are most enjoyable.

Around the house:

• Don’t be afraid to ask if guests will be bringing children.  If they are, make sure your home is child safe.  Put breakables up and out of the way, have plastic safety plugs in the electrical outlets, things of that nature.
• Have a place set aside for guests coats, such as a bedroom and a mat for shoes, if weather will be inclement, to keep your floor clean.  Don’t be afraid to put up a “please remove your shoes” sign for those who like to wear shoes inside.
• It’s perfectly okay to use paper plates, especially if they’re biodegradable.
• Make sure to have an extra roll of bathroom tissue and plenty of handsoap available in your bathroom.  Also, having an extra hand towel is not a bad idea. (Not your best ones either! They will be used a lot.)
• If you have your computer on, make sure it’s password protected so nosey relatives or curious children don’t find things they don’t need to.
• Make sure to use surge protectors when plugging in your Christmas tree lights.  Safety first!

In the kitchen:

• Buy your meat in bulk and separate it into 1 lb sections.  Freeze in freezer bags.
• Do a major cleanout of your fridge and cupboards a week or two ahead of time, so there’s room for leftovers.
• Make sure you know about any allergies and other dietary restrictions of your guests.
• Use whole wheat flour for baking.  It’s healthier, tastes better and bakes better.
• Make sure to accept offers for guests to bring dishes.
• Using generic brands is an okay thing.  It saves money and most of them taste the same as name brands.
• Frozen veggies and fruits are an excellent alternative to the fresh varieties.  They last longer, are cheaper and taste just the same.

Miscellaneous:

• Cut up and hemmed flannel shirts make excellent washable napkins.
• Use masking tape to put dates on leftovers you plan on freezing.  It’s easy to remove so you won’t have to cross it out on the Tupperware.
• Ground turkey is a lighter and usually cheaper alternative to ground beef.  The taste difference is not noticeable.
• Use different colored disposable cups for alcoholic versus non-alcoholic drinks.

Make sure to do something special for your Master! Something like a food dish that has special meaning to just you and Him could be subtle but still have meaning.

In the end, the holidays are about family.  And they’re going to understand that things can’t be perfect.  So if you have to put a pile of magazines behind the chair in the living room or use paper plates or if you don’t dust the top of the book cases, family is family and they will understand.

Skylerpet is a 24/7 submissive pup in her late 20’s. She has been into pet play since she discovered the D/s lifestyle and can be reached at: requiemskye@yahoo.com for emails and also YIM chat.

photo by mysza831

Why You Should Sign Up for the Submissive Guide Newsletter

The Submissive Guide Newsletter is your personal direct channel to what’s on my mind. It’s delivered every 2 weeks right to your inbox for you to read at your own leisure. You are missing out if you haven’t signed up. I’ve got so much more to tell you; and I’m doing it with the newsletter. In just 2 months over 100 people have signed up to get the best of Submissive Guide sent directly to them.

But what else do you get with your subscription?

• Unique, quality content delivered directly to your email!
• Essays and tips not available on the website!
• Some of the best essays from the site!
• Each newsletter is on a different topic, and you drive the suggestions for topics!
• Occasional updates about Submissive Guide!
• First chance at new promotions, contests, giveaways and new features!

And that’s not all….

When you subscribe now you will get my new report on Wants and Needs: Knowing what you need and expressing your desires absolutely free, just for signing up. The report is 18 pages of useful and quality information that every novice submissive could use.

Sign Up Here!

photo by bravenewtraveler

Service With Grace

If you’ve been following Submissive Guide on twitter for any length of time you will notice an interesting blog that I have updates sent to twitter. This blog is one of distinction because it is written to aid the domestic and service oriented submissive with tasks around the house and within themselves. The blog I’m talking about is Service Savoir Faire.

Service Savoir Faire is written by namaste a service slave from Texas with a real ability to  express herself. The blog has some wonderful regular features that I’d like to highlight.

Service Book of Days

Every Monday, namaste posts the same 15 questions with personal answers and encourages others to do the same on their blog. It’s a beautiful way to focus your submissive energy and organize your thoughts on what should be done and where your mind is at. I have yet to do this task on my own for my personal blog, but I do intend to get going on it real soon. What a simple way to focus!

Friday Finds

Most Fridays, she shares with us things that might be useful for our service from all over the internet. There have been some spectacular websites recently that have helped me out with organization and cleaning and creative energy.

Menus for the Seasons

There is a numerous amount of menus with recipes for the current season. I’m sure she will be starting on the Fall menus soon and I’m looking forward to some delicious new meals to plan into my cooking repertoire.  Summer menus were full of fresh, healthy and light cooking that would bring the joy of summer into any home.

Butler’s Book Series

I’ve always wanted to know what a butler’s book is, and while I was under the assumption that it was a list of guests with their preferences documented so that whenever they showed up you could provide them their favorites and surprise them. In fact it is that and more. It’s a household manual where you document and keep all the home care processes together in one place. You can read all about the Butler’s Book series HERE.

Today’s Mantra

On the sidebar, namaste updates a quote or saying and then her reflection on it in Today’s Mantra. I find it a beautiful testament to her abilities and dedication to service. I’m sure you will enjoy it as well.

I encourage you all to visit and bookmark the site for reading, making sure you visit often. It’s a pearl of a find and one that shouldn’t be left in the deep expanse of the internet. She also runs a Yahoo group on service, which you can find at Service Excellence.

Help Submissive Guide Raise $1000 for NLA-I DVP for National Domestic Violence Awareness Month

It’s important to have a cause you believe in, for me it’s the National Leather Association-International Domestic Violence Project. Their cause to bring awareness of the differences in BDSM and abuse as well to help victims of domestic violence in BDSM-related relationships find assistance and get help really provide a service that you can’t get anywhere else. That’s why I’m setting up this blog as a charity fundraiser for the month of October.

In just a moment I’m going to tell you how you can donate to the NLA-I DVP but let’s first get to know the charity I stand behind and want you to support as well.

• Every year the NLA-I DVP provides workshops for individuals and kink-associated groups on the difference between BDSM and abuse as well as its related topics.
• They provide training, pamphlets, or other NLA-I DVP related materials to domestic violence agencies and services at the state, national, and international levels when it is necessary to improve or educate services and agencies about the BDSM/Kink/Leather communities.
• NLA-I DVP also produces a quarterly newsletter with information on resources, NLA-I DVP updates, and other related domestic violence information.
• Maintains a resource directory for individuals looking for help and assistance as well as agencies that are looking for resources to help them work with the kink community in situations of domestic violence.

Why should you consider donating to NLA-I DVP?

The charity runs on a volunteer basis and without donations by people like you they can not fund the work that they do. If in an unfortunate situation, you have need of their aid, I want to help make sure they can provide that for you.

Now, how can you help me help them?

I’m trying to raise at least $1000 this month for NLA-I DVP. No amount is too small. I will be using ChipIn.com to help manage the money raising. This means that money goes directly to the charity and does not go through me or someone else. I can also track how much money has been raised.

If you want to place a widget on your website like the one below that is connected to the fund raising, click on the COPY tab in the blue widget box to grab the code. Spread the word about this charity event and give to a good cause.

Added Bonuses

If the very cause isn’t enough for you, I’ve got an added bonus. For every $10 donated, I will put your name in a drawing for a $100 gift certificate from JT’s Stockroom. This drawing will take place November 4th. The more you donate, the more chances you have to win.

Can’t Donate but want to help?

Do you have a blog or website? For every post you make about the charity fundraiser, or if you want to put the widget on your site during the month of October I will submit your name into another drawing for a $25 gift certificate to Amazon.com. Send me an email if you have posted it on your website please (subguide@gmail.com).

I also have banners, if you want to use one of those. Please link back to THIS POST.

<a href=”http://www.submissiveguide.com/2009/10/submissive-guide-raise-1000-nlai-dvp-national-domestic-violence-awareness-month/”><img src=”http://www.submissiveguide.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/10/NLA-I-DVP-Banner-ALTERNATE.jpg” /></a>

<a href=”http://www.submissiveguide.com/2009/10/submissive-guide-raise-1000-nlai-dvp-national-domestic-violence-awareness-month/”><img src=”http://www.submissiveguide.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/10/NLA-I-DVP-125X125-Banner.jpg” /></a>

Do you use Twitter? Every day you tweet about the fundraiser will give you one entrance into the $25 gift certificate giveaway from Amazon.com. Please tweet the following text to be considered.

Donate $10 to NLA-I DVP for chance to win $100 gift certificate to JT’s Stockroom! #nlaidvp

http://tinyurl.com/qnu6bf

Give to a good cause today!

Donate Now!

Would you like to get a topical newsletter sent directly to your email on a regular basis?

Submissive Guide now has a bi-weekly newsletter that can help you improve submission and explore BDSM, just like the website. Why subscribe to the newsletter?

• Unique, quality content delivered directly to your email!
• Essays and tips not available on the website!
• Each newsletter is on a different topic, and you drive the suggestions for topics!
• Occasional updates about Submissive Guide!
• First chance at new promotions, contests, giveaways and new features!

And that’s not all….

When you subscribe now you will get my new report on Wants and Needs: Knowing what you need and expressing your desires absolutely free, just for signing up. The report is 18 pages of useful and quality information that every novice submissive could use.

Spread The Word about Submissive Guide

Can you do me a favor? I know this is essentially self-promotion, but if you find this site useful and worth keeping going, could you help me out?

First, you could always donate a bit of spare change to keep me buzzing with hot tea and chocolate. You can send it to me via the donate form on the right.

I also have several options for advertising. If you have a site or business you’d like to advertise here on Submissive Guide, please see my Advertising page.

If you don’t have the cash, but would love to help me anyway I would be thrilled!

Please, just take a moment and spread the word. I’m here, I’m willing to mentor and share my experience, give me an hand and let the world know.

Spread the word about it. Here are a few things you can do to help me out.

1. Subscribe to the RSS feed
2. Get updates in your Email
3. Talk about the site on your own site or blog and make sure you link to it!
4. Share a link in your email
5. Tweet This!
6. Follow me on twitter: subguide
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11. Write a note in your FetLife profile
12. Subscribe to the blog via Amazon Kindle

Just let everyone know that you’ve found a great new resource that deserves attention.

If you add a link to your site’s blog list , please let me know. I will link back to your site on the Friends page!

Thank you,

–lunaKM

Newsletter

Would you like to get a topical newsletter sent directly to your email on a regular basis?

Submissive Guide now has a bi-monthly newsletter that can help you improve submission and explore BDSM, just like the website. Why subscribe to the newsletter?

• Unique, quality content delivered directly to your email!
• Essays and tips not available on the website! (Essays posted on the site 6 months after they are sent in a newsletter)
• Some of the best essays from the site!
• Each newsletter is on a different topic, and you drive the suggestions for topics!
• Occasional updates about Submissive Guide!
• First chance at new promotions, contests, giveaways and new features!

And that’s not all….

When you subscribe now you will get my new report on Wants and Needs: Knowing what you need and expressing your desires absolutely free, just for signing up. The report is 18 pages of useful and quality information that every novice submissive could use.

Add Your Reading List to Your Training Resume

Since the beginning of Submissive Guide I have been writing essays to help you build your service/submissive/slave resume. This is the living document of your experience and training on different tasks and a variety of relationships. If you are interested in reading the previous posts about the Training Resume I suggest you start at the topic index.

Today we are going to compile a list of the books you have read during your service that are a part of your growth and learning. The importance of this list is not only to show a potential Dominant that you are well read, but that you have a personal desire to work on improving yourself, learning a wide range of viewpoints and opinions and learn about BDSM activities of all sorts.

Gather Your Books

Pull together all the books you’ve read on BDSM, specific service items and other self help resources that you have read completely. These books can be basic relationship self help, etiquette, green cleaning and simple living, How-to books, and so much more. Let your mind explore your entire library and figure out how that could apply to a BDSM service relationship. You might be surprised.

Magazines and Newspapers

Although a bit more rare or pricey, you can find excellent magazines and even newspaper articles that might help you with building a reference library for your service experience and development as a person. Perhaps you have a subscription to a gardening magazine, home repair or fine dining journal. These things can be wonderful resources for your service life. Be creative and look for learning opportunities everywhere you go.

Online Sources

Don’t forget online newsletters and blogs that you are subscribed to! Even SubmissiveGuide.com can be a great resource to list on your reading list if you read it regularly and learn from it. Make note of the posts or articles that you enjoyed the most and the URL if there is one.

General Essay websites are great too, but make sure you keep a list of articles that you have read on each one so that it isn’t assumed that you have read the entire site.

How to Make the List

For books, make a list of the titles, authors, publication dates and a synopsis of the book. Online resources need to have the name of the site, the URL, the date you last accessed it and the site owner with a way to contact them if you can find one. You can also spend time writing personal reviews of the book or essay with what you took from it and made your own.

For example, I just read SlaveCraft and reviewed it on this blog. I can add that book to my service resume in the Reading List area. My entry would look something like this:

SlaveCraft: Roadmaps for Erotic Servitude, principles, skills and tools by a grateful slave with Guy Baldwin, M.S.

Daedalus Publishing Company (April 2002)

The author writes for the submissive or slave who may already have experience and thus understand the skills and tools that will help deepen their surrender. His four principles that he describes in detail are Identity, Obedience, Transparency and Humility. Each one is artfully discussed so that while you may be walking in his world of surrender you can apply them to your own service quite easily.

Making this list now will help you in the future too when you try to remember where you read that fantastic book or essay that you’d like to refer to, or share with a friend. The importance of a list like this can help you in more ways that just your resume.

What else would you list on your reading list? Would it be beneficial to list books and articles that you want to read in the future or have an interest in?

First Meetings Done Safely

This week’s video post is on First Meetings Safety.

When you are ready to meet your dream Dominant for the first time, what goes through your mind? Do you think about safety at all or do the nervousness and excitment overload your common sense?

You may not think that safety is necessary for someone you’ve been talking to for x number of hours, days, months, years but the person you meet could be very different than what is portrayed and you may not be compatible. How do you get out of the meeting safely and how do you protect yourself?

I encourage first meetings for any relationship to grow and develop. It’s similar to a blind date, right? Normally someone else knows you are on that date and where you are going. Then they usually call you shortly after you get home to see how it went. This is commonplace in vanilla dating. Don’t forget that the start of a D/s relationship starts with dating!

Be Prepared

It is the boy scouts moto for a reason; always know what you are getting into and have everything prepared, even if you may never use it or need it. For first dates, make sure you have basic information about the Dominant you are meeting. What color and make their car is, their license plate if they will give it to you (and why wouldn’t they?), their name and phone number, address and other important information you have collected. Leave this information at home in plain sight and with your safe call (more on safe calls below). If something were to happen to you, then the authorities would have somewhere to start.

Of course no one wants something to happen, but it is better to be prepared and never have to use it than to disappear and leave no trace of you behind, right? It’s about common sense and personal safety; pure and simple.

Meet in Public

When you set up a first meeting make sure it’s in a public place. You don’t want someone coming to pick you up or meeting them at their private residence. I know being picked up could be romantic, but save it for future dates, this one is all about getting to know someone better.

Being in public gives you some security and having your own transportation means that if things go south you have a way home and aren’t relying on someone else. Besides, public places generally have better food choices, beverages to enjoy and a conversational atmosphere. That’s what gives first dates a good or bad vibe.

Set Up a Safe Call

A safe call is much like that friend who knows you are out on a blind date. You give them all the information you have collected on the person and then set up a call for a set time. Depending on your comfort level with the Dominant this call could happen during the date or immediately after it is supposed to end. Anyone can be a safe call person as long as they are available to call you or receive calls during the date. Many local munch groups have a safe call network in place.

This call is just a check in call. You can treat it any way you want. Some people have a code that they only answer yes or no questions and that gives the person on the other end a clue as to how things are doing and if you are in any danger. Others have specific phrases they use to clue the caller in to what is going on. You don’t have to be so cryptic if you don’t want to. It’s completely up to you.

A respectful Dominant should allow you to answer your phone during a first meeting. Those that don’t should be warning to you and you should try to find a way out of the date. I know some Dominants that insist you have a safe call in place before meeting them, just to give you some sense of security in a tense situation. Never turn down the request for a safe call.

Do Not Play

Unless you want to develop a reputation for recklessness abandon, then do not play on the first date! Get to know the person better face to face, see if there is chemistry there and then you can schedule play dates. If you feel you are being pressured to play, call your safe call and/or leave. You should not have to get intimate with someone you have only talked to online or by phone.

Listen to Your Gut

Most of the time your gut is right. If you feel things aren’t going well, get out. If you feel uncomfortable or pressured into doing something you don’t want to, then get out. Listen to your inner voice.

Finally, enjoy yourself. All of these things I’ve listed above should be autopilot for awhile. You can still have great first meetings and have these things in place but never really think of them.

Dating in the Lifestyle; What’s the Big Deal?

“It’s so hard to find someone in the Lifestyle that I’m compatible with. You are so lucky to have found someone.”

I don’t know how many times I hear this on a daily basis when conversing. It always brings up my view on the whole dating atmosphere within the Lifestyle. Yes, it is hard to find that special partner who will give you what you want and compliment you in every aspect. However, think back to when you were dating in the vanilla realm. Was it just as hard? Some of you will say no, some will say yes. Those of you that say no, why is that you think?

(Why it seems like there are so few perspective partners to choose from is a different issue.)

Here’s what my opinion is on the subject. Vanilla dating seemed so much easier because we were not upfront and forward about what we needed and wanted in a relationship. Most regular dates I went on before finding my Master never included even the type of person I was looking for physically, let alone telling the person what you wanted in bed or out of the relationship as a whole. You just don’t talk about those things on dates until you both decide to try the relationship thing. In vanilla relationships, what you want and need is usually secretive at first, if expressed at all. Is it hard to find a partner in a vanilla world? Hell yes.

The difference with a BDSM or Lifestyle relationship is that we practically introduce ourselves with a checklist and wants and needs list. We come to the date and begin asking those direct questions of: what are you looking for in a Dom/sub? What do you see the ideal relationship being? What do you like to do during scene?

I feel that we approach a Lifestyle date very differently than we would in a vanilla context. Think about it the next time you are out on a new date. What do you talk about, what do you share with this stranger that you met not long ago? Now how would you go on a similar date with someone in a vanilla relationship? Would you be as upfront to them? No, most likely not. Why is that? You don’t want to scare them away, make them think you are a freak? Many other excuses come to mind.

So, you are thinking, if we come to people up front and share what we want and who we are, why is it still so hard to find the one we need in our lives? Simple, compatibility is hard. We are open with people from the start and so we shuffle through perspective people faster than traditional relationship cycles. This makes us feel like we will never find someone that works for us. It brings us down and envious of people that have found someone to be with, even for a time.

How we approach a Lifestyle date vs. a traditional date is what affects the way we find a partner. Some are looking for play partners, and we express that rather immediately with a Lifestyle date; however in a traditional date you wouldn’t say that you were just looking for someone for the sack and not expect to get slapped or called some offensive names. Those of us looking for relationships we sit down for our dates and talk about what we want and need in a relationship, right down to specifics. We get to know what the other person wants and needs, how they act in situations, how they see themselves and who they want to be years down the road. We know what they are like right way and can decide rather quickly if they will be a decent partner or not. A traditional date is superficial. It’s called date talk. Basically its small talk, where neither party really volunteers any sort of information that would be beneficial to learning if that person is compatible. They just want to get out of the date or make it to the next. Traditional dating is a longer process of getting to know one another, opening up and finding out that the person you’ve been seeing for months isn’t compatible with what you are looking for on one level or another.

Dating is dating. It’s not easy and how we approach is affects the outcome. A BDSM relationship is there for everyone. It’s not easy, but neither is a vanilla relationship. Once you adjust your thinking to how we go about dating and the changes in life that the Lifestyle brings upon us you will see that finding a partner is never easy. Once you do find that special one, you will be grateful for all the hard work.

Submissive Guide Town Hall Meeting

Submissive Guide is just over 7 months old now and with a decent number of well received posts I’d like to get your feedback as to where Submissive Guide is going. Let me go through what I’ve seen happen on the site and what I’m working on for the future. I want your input too, so please leave me a comment or drop me an email with your thoughts. I’d love to hear them, good or bad.

Growth

Since Submissive Guide began on the 2nd of January this year I have had over 100,000 visits. This is mostly all organic growth. That means you are finding me through search engines the most. I have a lot of blogs linking to me as well and I’m so grateful for your faith in my writing. I don’t pay for advertising anywhere else right now and don’t see a need to do that for future growth. Just spread the word when you can and I will be happy.

As far as the advertising on this site, all of the current banner ads are affiliates. This means that I get a small kickback when you purchase items from them. I have one paying ad as a text link in the right sidebar. If you are interested in purchasing some ad space I’d be happy to talk to you. You can stop by my advertising page and contact me from there.  I have made a small amount of money from Amazon Affiliates and all the income from there has gone to purchasing the books that I do reviews on the site with. I plan to continue doing this with Amazon income for the foreseeable future.

Submissive Guide is an income venture and I do hope to make money from this site at some point. My hope is to provide you with e-books and workbooks to help you improve your submission in some way. These would be economically priced and I will make sure that they are worth the cost to you. My first workbook currently in the works is an expanded version of the Submissive Positions series I posted at the end of April and into May. I’m working with a Yoga instructor to provide you with stretching exercises and alterations to the positions so that you can work into them and improve your flexibility and stamina. There will also be lovely pictures of the positions! Stay tuned as I work on this throughout the summer.

Coaching in the Works

I am also developing a submissive life coach business to co-live with Submissive Guide, the site. I will be personally coaching you to reach your goals through email, chat sessions and phone conferencing. This could also lead to training courses and group classes to help reach your goals and discover the stumbling blocks keeping you from reaching your goals. This is still quite a ways away, as there is a lot of business red tape and personal planning I have to get through to make sure I do things right. I am very excited about being able to get to know you better though coaching!

Features on this Site

I have a few reoccurring features on this site that I’d like to draw your attention to. Every month I have a Roundtable discussion that is meant as a way to teach me about a topic I don’t know a lot about. The past few have been about polyamory and open relationships, and shaving. I love the information we have collected on these topics and am happy with the participation I get. Do you like the Roundtable Discussions? Let me know!

Every month I also have a book review of a book about submission or BDSM. I try to give an honest review of the book as well as referencing it to submission and what may help you improve and empower yourself. What books would you like to see reviewed? Do you like these? Would you like to see more?

The resources area has a lot of wonderful things to explore. I have a BDSM bookshelf, a link to the Submissive Journal Prompts site, links area, submissive groups around the web and the Simply Service newsletter archive. If you have a resource you think should be included I want to know about it!

The frequency of posts may decline as the demand for my time spreads out to other areas. I do intend to not go below 3 times a week and will post more frenquently if I have guest posts to share with you. I never imagined this site would do so well in such a short amount of time, but I’m finding that to be fulfilling as well.

Share Your Experiences

I am always looking for guest posts on a numerous variety of topics. I’d welcome anyone’s essays to share here on Submissive Guide. I have a page that details what I expect from the essay which you can find here. I’m grateful to those that have donated time and writing for this site so far and look forward to working with many more of you in the future.

Here’s some of what I’m looking for:

• How to reprogram yourself to come once the Come on Command relationship is over.
• When you owner controls all of the money, how to adjust, adapt and live that way.
• BDSM with kids around. Anything and everything to do with this topic.
• Sexual submissive topics (great sex tips for example)
• Exerpertise in BDSM activities from the bottom point of view, select one activity per post.
• BDSM fiction and non-fiction book reviews
• Posts from the male submissive point of view; any topics welcome
• Anything else?

Paid Posts

I offer paid posts from people that have qualification and certification in the field they wish to write about. These posts range from $10-50 depending on the helpfulness, depth and other factors to be discussed.

I’m currently looking for:

• Certified and licensed massage therapist to write a series of posts about various massage techniques.
• General Practice Doctor to write about health and medical related issues where BDSM is concerned.
• Established BDSM speakers and presenters to write about various topics. (You must have a website that identifies you as a regional or national BDSM presenter.)
• Ordained pastor or minister to discuss religion, spirituality and it’s connection with submission in all forms.

If you are interested, please contact me.

How to Get Updates

Now, I’m sure many of you get Submissive Guide sent to your email or favorite RSS reader but are you aware there are other ways you can get updates? Submissive Guide has a twitter acount that I post new posts as well as recommended reading, quotes, questions and tips that I’ve collected. If you are on twitter, please follow subguide! If you are on Youtube you can get notices about the video posts one day before they are released here on the blog. I’ve also created a group on FetLife for Submissive Guide so that you can continue the conversation there if you are already active on Fetlife. Lastly, if you have a Kindle you can now get Submissive Guide sent to you that way for only $0.99 a month. I didn’t set the price, Amazon did. If I could, it would be free too. I get a tiny amount of the monthly fee you pay and that will go towards server upkeep.

Let Your Voice Be Heard!

I want you to voice your thoughts on Submissive Guide. What do you like? What don’t you like? Where can I improve? What topics are lacking? Express it all.

photo by rick

Two Weeks to Better Submissive Positions

Submissive Positions are talked about all over like everyone is supposed to be doing them or something. Not every relationship is set up to provide that level of protocol and you should never expect a relationship to automatically have that. If you are interested in positions, ask your partner or perspective partner if they’d be interested before you go learning any. They may have preferences to how you should look and act. Following them is by far more important than learning about positions online (unless that is their direction).

But since so many of you ask me on a regular basis about positions you could be learning I came up with two weeks of posts on the subject of different positions, how to develop your own positions and what other resources are out there as far a positions are concerned. Please understand I will not be teaching the Gorean positions that everyone sees described, but positions that average people can develop amongst themselves to do and alter and enhance for themselves. Please take these suggested positions as guidelines only and try to customize them. They should be unique and beautiful to you and your partner.

Coming up tomorrow is Kneeling.

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Two Weeks to Better Submissive Positions

Do You Need the “Luck o’ the Irish” to Meet that Perfect Dominant?

Looking for your partner is challenging, no doubt about it. You’ve probably done the bar scene, the alternative adult dating sites, and maybe a few of the vanilla ones too. No matter where you look you find men or women that just aren’t your type. I’m here to say that it is possible to find someone that’s right for you. Now you may not need any lucky charms to find that perfect person, but you do need a few things to make sure your search for a Dominant doesn’t go awry.

Finding your One isn’t easy and your longing to finally use your submission with someone that understands and values it can be overpowering. I’ve been so desperate that I overlooked some very important safety aspects of meeting someone new. Hopefully you won’t make the same mistakes I did. This has to do with first dates and first meetings, so if you were looking for some tips on how to find someone, unfortunately that’s the pot of gold on the other side of the rainbow (no that doesn’t mean you will never reach it, just another play on words).

Information

Get some personal information before agreeing to meet them. Get their full name, a phone number, the type of car they drive, whatever they will offer. Write this information down and put it in plain site. This is for personal security if the trust you have established fails and they do you harm.

Safe Call

Safe calls are vital in situations where you are meeting someone that no one you know can vouch for. If this is a blind date, set one up. Let a friend know where you will be and set up times to call in or have them call you to check up and see how things are going. This provides two things; a security blanket if safety is compromised and a way out if you don’t think you two have anything in common.

Other Do’s and Don’ts

• Don’t play on the first date.
• Don’t invite them back to your place or go to theirs, keep it public.
• Don’t allow them to set up rules you have to follow. This isn’t an agreed upon relationship… yet.
• Do keep it casual and enjoy yourself.
• Do find out more about them. It is a date first, D/s potential second.
• Don’t drink. No need to be impaired on a first date.

So rub the Blarney stone, kiss an Irish person on the way otu the door and pluck that 4-leaf clover.  You may have found that diamond in the ruff.

Questions on anything covered here? Let me know.

photo credit by cygnus921

Finding a Compatible Partner in the Lifestyle

“It’s so hard to find someone in the Lifestyle that I’m compatible with. You are so lucky to have found someone.”

I don’t know how many times I hear this on a daily basis when conversing. It always brings up my view on the whole dating atmosphere within the Lifestyle. Yes, it is hard to find that special partner who will give you what you want and compliment you in every aspect. However, think back to when you were dating in the vanilla realm. Was it just as hard? Some of you will say no, some will say yes. Those of you that say no, why is that you think?

(Why it seems like there are so few prospective partners to choose from is a different issue.)

Here’s what my opinion is on the subject. Vanilla dating seemed so much easier because we were not upfront and forward about what we needed and wanted in a relationship. Most regular dates I went on before finding my Master never included even the type of person I was looking for physically, let alone telling the person what you wanted in bed or out of the relationship as a whole. You just don’t talk about those things on dates until you both decide to try the relationship thing. In vanilla relationships, what you want and need is usually secretive at first, if expressed at all. Is it hard to find a partner in a vanilla world? Hell yes.

The difference with a BDSM or Lifestyle relationship is that we practically introduce ourselves with a checklist and wants and needs list. We come to the date and begin asking those direct questions of: what are you looking for in a Dom/sub? What do you see the ideal relationship being? What do you like to do during scene?

I feel that we approach a Lifestyle date very differently than we would in a vanilla context. Think about it the next time you are out on a new date. What do you talk about, what do you share with this stranger that you met not long ago? Now how would you go on a similar date with someone in a vanilla relationship? Would you be as upfront to them? No, most likely not. Why is that? You don’t want to scare them away, make them think you are a freak? Many other excuses come to mind.

So, you are thinking, if we come to people up front and share what we want and who we are, why is it still so hard to find the one we need in our lives? Simple, compatibility is hard. We are open with people from the start and so we shuffle through perspective people faster than traditional relationship cycles. This makes us feel like we will never find someone that works for us. It brings us down and envious of people that have found someone to be with, even for a time.

How we approach a Lifestyle date vs. a traditional date is what affects the way we find a partner. Some are looking for play partners, and we express that rather immediately with a Lifestyle date; however in a traditional date you wouldn’t say that you were just looking for someone for the sack and not expect to get slapped or called some offensive names. Those of us looking for relationships we sit down for our dates and talk about what we want and need in a relationship, right down to specifics. We get to know what the other person wants and needs, how they act in situations, how they see themselves and who they want to be years down the road. We know what they are like right way and can decide rather quickly if they will be a decent partner or not. A traditional date is superficial. It’s called date talk. Basically its small talk, where neither party really volunteers any sort of information that would be beneficial to learning if that person is compatible. They just want to get out of the date or make it to the next. Traditional dating is a longer process of getting to know one another, opening up and finding out that the person you’ve been seeing for months isn’t compatible with what you are looking for on one level or another.

Dating is dating. It’s not easy and how we approach is affects the outcome. A BDSM relationship is there for everyone. It’s not easy, but neither is a vanilla relationship. Once you adjust your thinking to how we go about dating and the changes in life that the Lifestyle brings upon us you will see that finding a partner is never easy. Once you do find that special one, you will be grateful for all the hard work.