What NOT to Share on Your Online Profile

This video post is about what not to share on your online profile.

We all have one somewhere. FetLife being all the rage right now, but also we have alt.com, collarme.com, bondage.com and others where we place ads and identity profiles up to get people interested. This interest can be friends or relationship related; it doesn’t matter. What does matter is what we broadcast to everyone that happens across our profiles. You need to keep some things secure and really consider what’s necessary to put out into the World Wide Web.

What’s Safe?

Nothing you place online is safe. Anyone can find you and use what you put online to harm you in some way. Take for instance a rather vanilla picture of yourself on an adult site. It could be used against you in your job or other social engagements. Just the knowledge alone that you are present on a site like FetLife or CollarMe could get you fired. Your ex could use it against you to gain custody of your children. Anything is possible.

The idea that because you have to log into the service means that every word you write or photo you share behind that security feature means you are safe. This is far from true. Too many people rely heavily on the false sense of security that a log in screen provides. Think about it this way; how easy was it for you to create a profile? A predator or someone you don’t want to find you will find it a breeze.

Top 8 Online Safety Tips

Photos

If you share photos of yourself, even if you head and identifying features are cut out; be prepared to find them elsewhere online. So many people online just don’t care if they don’t own the rights to the photo, others like to increase their personal stash of porn, and others still want to earn money on your shared ‘free’ content. It takes all kinds. So, before you share a photo, consider if you want it on the internet. Don’t limit your mental scope to the site you are placing it, but all over the internet.

• Pictures Share You With The World
• Dangers of Online Photos

Personal Information

Other than the basic profile information, I’d keep your life pretty vague if you don’t want to be found by others you may know in another sphere of your life. Leave relationship, family and work details out of profiles. Never share information about your children.

Think about it this way, put on your profile only what you wouldn’t have a problem telling someone face to face that you don’t know. Because you know, that’s just it. Strangers are reading your profile and looking at those pictures before they know you… really know you.

Sure it sounds counter productive for a dating site, but protecting yourself should come first. Besides, emails and site mailing systems are slightly safer for sharing a bit more about yourself. Granted, these too can be abused, so be careful.

Some of you may be saying, “Well sure lunaKM, but I’ve seen your profile here or there and you share a lot about yourself including unaltered photos. Practice what you preach!

Let me tell you; I have no job outside the home, no friends or tech-saavy family that do not know and have nothing to loose if someone sees me or learns about me. I’m a unique case. I’m not saying that some of you aren’t either. I’ve given all of my profiles a look over and am happy with what is shared. That’s all that matters.

How Much Information is Too Much?

I Challenge You

Today I challenge you to go through your profiles and reconsider some of the information you have shared. Rip out what could put you in some form of danger or get you recognized by someone you’d rather stay incognito with. If you aren’t using a profile; delete it completely.

Lactation Play and the Adult Nursing Relationship

This is a guest post by dani. She is a new submissive in an Adult Nursing relationship.You can read about Erotic Lactation at Wikipedia or visit Land of Milk and Honey for more information.

We didn’t start 2009 with any kind of BDSM activities in our lives, so we have quite the journey over the last 12 months! For many couples an Adult Nursing Relationship is not considered  kinky nor does it have any connection between lactation and BDSM. For us, lactation was a first step down a new path.

Our journey to re-lactation began as the first kinky request my husband made of me. We have been together for 13 years and while he suckled for my relief when our babies were breastfed, i hadn’t had any milk for over a year. He had been looking up on line how to induce and he asked me to do it one evening. While i didn’t think re-lactation was possible, i was excited about his enthusiasm and his request of me.  We started with a pretty relaxed schedule, but he suckled 3x a day for about 20 minutes a side.

Suckling became totally intoxicating.  i craved it and couldn’t wait for him to come home from work so we could sneak off and have our time together.  Not surprisingly, all of the attention did wonders for my libido.  My husband compared me to an old car. If you let her go too long without getting her started, she will take longer to get warmed up.  Better to turn her over more often, keep her warm, she will start every time…and as it turned out i was now always warm!  We went from having sex two or so times a week, to having sex two times a day. We spent so much time together, just the two of us, holding each other and that wasn’t something we had ever done before.  Making time for just us was an amazing boost to our relationship, and it wasn’t easy, but it was so worth it.  We found that we didn’t bicker at each other nearly as much as we used to and of course he was much more sexually satisfied. i guess i was, too.

Once milk began to come in, i loved the way my breasts felt.  They were bigger (and they weren’t really small to begin with), but also firmer.  They looked fine without a bra, which was not something i had ever really done before.  They also felt full. i had nursed two babies and once that was over, my breasts felt like deflated balloons. So, we were both very happy with the physical changes.

Feeling sexier and being physically together so much more often, led to more, shall we say, creative sex for us.  He opened up about wanting milky breasts and i was able to open up more about other, more submissive, behavior i was interested in exploring.

Now as my Master, he gives me shivers when he tells me to “milk” myself or to take good care of his breasts. i hate the term, “milking”, but when he tells me to do it, it sends me to the moon.  We are still suckling regularly and while i don’t make as much milk as he would like, we both still love spending the time together a couple of times a day.

dani is a new submissive and this is her first guest post on Submissive Guide. You can reach her on FetLife at milkydani

Up in Flames: The Basics of Fireplay

This is another guest post for the BDSM Play Feature here on SubmissiveGuide. This post about Fire Play is by Gwendolyn. Enjoy!

I have always been a fire bug and am a volunteer fire fighter. So when I became interested in BDSM and heard about fire play it was definitely top of my list of things to try. As soon as I did I was hooked on it. There are many things that can be part of a fire play scene and I will be going over what I have experience in or know a lot about due to research.

Now, there are some things you should know about fire play. Check out the references of the tops offering it. Fire is dangerous. Yea, you may say well.. duh..  But, if you are a submissive like me, you will put all of your trust into your Top/Dom and sometimes not challenge what they doing.  I learned that by not asking about every detail of the fire play aka negotiating out your scene, you are asking to be damaged.  I have scars to prove this point. So if someone brings out a propane torch, end the scene right there.

One of the questions I tend to get often from people who have not tried fire play yet, are how do I handle the pain? Everyone has different techniques, what I have found to be most effective is focus upon your breathing. This works on any kind of play.  Find a focal point and breathe slowly. If part of the safety precaution is to have your head against a support/safety person then close your eyes and still breathe slowly.

If you would like to get in contact with me, please feel free to add me on Fetlife (SehAnru), or email me directly at gwendolynhopping@gmail.com.

Disclaimer: Do Not attempt fire play on yourself, and especially not alone if you are not experienced already. If you do, you are doing so at your own risk, and I, nor Submissive Guide nor anywhere else that this may be posted are to be held responsible for any damages that may occur. Thank you.

Safety Equipment/Precautions: People use varied types of equipment, there are the Nomex hoods used by fire fighters, fire blankets, all the way down to wet wash cloths. As a submissive/bottom don’t be afraid to ask about protective gear. Your safety should always be number one. Make sure your hair is out of the way when doing any kind of flogging or whipping. If you know you will be participating in such a scene, do not use hair spray or perfumes/colognes. Even some lotions have been known to be flammable.

Fire flogging: This is the most common which includes a  flogger made out of Kevlar rope/wicks and some have knots at the end of them not only for the stingy factor but also prevents the ropes from coming unraveled. This I have experienced many times both on my back and upon my front. It is a little more sting than a usual flogger made of leather mostly due to the knots, but the heat is incredible as it isn’t constant, but flashes.  If you have never tried this before, I would recommend just starting out on your back.

Fire Fleshing: This is where designs are made upon your body with the fuel and then set on fire then quickly blown out, wiped out, or smothered with a fire blanket.  The tools used for this vary. Some use drumsticks wrapped in Kevlar, some create pens with a Kevlar wick, and many other creative tools have been made and used. There is more than just Kevlar that can be used, but this is what I am most familiar with. This too I have had experience with both on my back, and front, and even upon my labia. Now, that.. was interesting. Though a note of caution, fire does suck out the moisture in your skin, this includes your sensitive lips, testicles, whatever you may use it on. Have moisturizer with you.. I had shriveled little lips and that was the strangest thing I have ever experienced.

Fire Whipping: Everything with fire is dangerous, but in my opinion this is the most dangerous manner of fire play as it is a single tail whip that is on fire. Some are made with leather and a Kevlar popper at the end, and some also make them completely out of a Kevlar blend then use an aluminum handle, and Kevlar popper. So far I have experienced this once and definitely will be going back for more, but it is not for anyone who does not have a high pain tolerance as it does mark, and can cut the skin.

Fire Cupping: This is an age old medical practice seen most commonly in the Oriental though has been known to pop up all over the world. Some use this as a way of blood letting, while others use it for a manner of reverse acupressure. I have not personally tried this yet, though I have heard many good things about it. Fire cups are relatively inexpensive and can be found in many places online. Always do your research on safety precautions before ever trying something like this.

Flash Paper/cotton: This has had mixed reviews from Fire Master’s and Mistress’s as when it ignites it can cause 3rd degree burns if not placed correctly aka too close together. I would recommend getting: “Flames of Passion: Handbook of Erotic Fire Play.” By David Walker and Robert Rubel with a Forward by Jay Wiseman who I have met personally.

Fire Drumming: This is where fire wands are set on fire and they are drummed against the body in rhythmic manner. This is intense as well as relaxing. Odd combination I know, but it’s true.  Think of it as a heavy Florentine flogging. So yummy.

Here is a neat little parlor trick which is cheap and easy to try, Alberto V05 mouse is flammable. Do not put this in your hair and get close to fire, we don’t want a Michael Jackson or Richard Pryor re-enactment. Make a spiral design, or any design of interest and light it. It can barely be felt, but has a very cool effect. Wipe and rinse, and repeat if you would like.

Always play safe!!

~Gwendolyn Hopping Aka SehAnru

Gwendolyn is an old fashioned Irish service oriented slave in Oregon who has been involved in the S&M part of BDSM for a little over a year now and have been involved in the DS portion of BDSM since she was 9 (Had a Domme for a mother.)So she know a lot about service. She also am a stay at home wife who works on our poly farm,  loves to craft, and is working towards writing my first of many novels. She is quite easy to get along with, and is always open to new friendships so feel free to contact her anytime.

Photo by photos8.com

Exploring Impact Play: A Variety of Pleasures

This is a guest post by bgtreasure for the BDSM Play Feature Series here on Submissive Guide.

I choose this topic to write about because it is my favorite form of play and has been since I’ve found this wonderful thing we call “The Lifestyle”.

The general definition of Impact Play that you will find in BDSM dictionaries:  Impact Play: Often referred to as edgy. The action is the same as paddling or spanking but done with the intent to cause deep tissue bruising. A bruise that is very painful and may take very long to heal.

So with the intent to cause deep tissue bruising which is something that I don’t really pay attention to it’s the more intense pounding and beating that gets me off.  I tend not bruise easily if at all.  I do consider this as a part of play that is edge play because serious damage could be done if it is not done correctly or without care for your partner.  I do however love when I do bruise and can feel it for the rest of the week and see the fruits of Sir’s labor.

Some instruments used for Impact Play are hands and fists, kicking, floggers and paddles which are of course used in various other forms of play but it is the intensity when using them that makes it Impact Play.  In my play it’s a steady rhythmic beating, building and building and intensifying as we go on.

When playing and going into this arena of play I find that I have to have a period of time to get my head straight with my partner, relaxing into him, relaxing my breathing and focusing on him before we start to play and we tend to build up rather than go full force out and out from the beginning.  Sir increases and decreases depending on where he knows that I am at and then pushes it to the level he wants me to be at.

I think the fact that I have to have a very special connection with my partner in order to go this far.  In my current relationship I believe our connection is so deep that he has taken me further then I have ever been and the experience each time after we first started playing has placed me in such a deep subspace that I literally can be beaten with any instrument and I just float, I feel as though I am on top of the world looking down at my body and my partner with a smile on my face swaying to some tune that is playing in my head.  Everything else drops away as each strike comes and becomes an expression of ecstasy.

Impact Play is generally the only type play (other than physically touching the genital area) that can make me come.  Again I think this comes because of our connection and that we can play so deeply and that he is in tune with my body but it sets off a reaction that somewhere deep in my mind that says this is hot, this is delicious, this makes you wet it’s time for you to come.  At first I thought it was a fluke because it’s not easy to make me come but as we continue to play more and specifically when he uses his hands as the instrument of torture I usually come and more than once.

Impact play for me is very freeing sometimes it’s like a very intense full body massage breaking the stress of the day, the week, the month.  I personally prefer when Sir uses his hands it makes it so much more personal and I believe strengthens our connection, however floggers and paddles can take me there as well.

bgtreasure is cofounder and conference organizer of Black BEAT Inc. (www.blackbeatinc.org), and cofounder of BESS (Baltimore Educational and Social Society). Bgtreasure has been involved in the BDSM lifestyle for over 9 years and has held various positions with other groups. Meeting people from all over and watching them share with others has truly been an eye opener for her. One of her proudest moments was (Black BEAT) winning the 2006 Pantheons Award for Small Event of the Year, and being nominated herself for the Pantheon regional award.  She enjoys networking with others and helping those new to the lifestyle. A submissive that enjoys many different aspects of this lifestyle, she is owned by Sir Mystical. Black BEAT is home for BG, her lifestyle accomplishments are commendable. She is also host along with Lady Z of Black BEAT’s Maryland Headquarters Munch Group.

She can be reached at bgtreasure@yahoo.com and on Yahoo and AIM messengers  and on fetlife under bgtreasure.

Photo by Luiza

The Impact of Velcro Collars on the Symbolism

This week’s video post is about velcro collars.

To submissives, a collar is one of the most important things they have. It is a symbol of their commitment, their service and their adoration of a special someone. In most situations, the offering or begging of a collar is not taken lightly. The weight of the matter could mean a lifetime of service, the same importance of engagement or marriage and strict adherence to rules and behaviors.

However, just as there are people who go through mates like tissues, there are submissives and Dominants alike that use Velcro collars. These collars have practically no meaning to them and they hand them out or give them back without so much as a blink of the eye.

It is believed that the use of a collar like this can cheapen the meaning and symbolism for those people who hold the collar and it’s meaning in high regard to those of the community if so many others are seen to be passed around from one person to the next.

This really goes along with my thoughts on the Disposable Relationship. Too many people aren’t taking relationships seriously anymore. The value of anything to do with partnership and couples working together has diminished. We’ve become a satisfaction now society. No consequences. It’s just sad.

Now back to velcro collars…. They exist mainly online, but it’s not uncommon to find one or two people in your local community that seem to bounce around the group ‘collecting’ collars. Every time you see them they are collared to someone new. Wearing a collar becomes a game to them.

How does this impact the symbolism? In my opinion it doesn’t. The symbolism of the collar is developed by your own beliefs. Just as the wedding ring means one thing or another to someone, so does the collar. Does someone else’s many marriages impact the value of your marriage? Of course it doesn’t.

Being someone who hands out or receives collars that would define them as velcro would only impact the particular person. Sure it could make them appear needy or desperate or in the least, inexperienced.

I know that for myself, wearing a collar and being collared is the most sacred thing in our relationship. I know that if I weren’t committed to the relationship that the collar wouldn’t even be a part of our lives.

What do you think? Are velcro collars affecting the overall symbolism of collars in our society?

The Ins and Outs of Fetishes

“I have a fetish for wool socks, I just love them!”

“I have a fetish for corsets, I can’t get off without thinking of them!”

One of these statements is a sure sign of a fetish; the other is a misuse of the term. Sure this is a poor example. How many times have you heard a  phrase like the first one in everyday speech? Not long ago the idea of having a fetish was taboo and now we use it as a casual obsession with something from foods to material items. There is no wonder that when it comes to real fetishes people are still in the dark as to understanding them.

What is a Fetish, Really?

Let’s use Wikipedia to give us a general definition, shall we?

Sexual fetishism, or erotic fetishism, is the sexual arousal brought on by any object, situation or body part not conventionally viewed as being sexual in nature. Sexual fetishism may be regarded, e.g. in psychiatric medicine, as a disorder of sexual preference or as an enhancing element to a relationship. The sexual acts involving fetishes are characteristically depersonalized and objectified, even when they involve a partner. Body parts may also be the subject of sexual fetishes (also known as partialism) in which the body part preferred by the fetishist takes a sexual precedence over the owner.

As we can see from the definition, a fetish is a sexual attachment to an inanimate object of body part. In many cases the fetishist can no achieve an erection or orgasm without the object being present or an active part in the act. This is not limited to men, so don’t get my use of words turned around. Women also can develop fetishes.

How Do Fetishes Develop?

There are several theories out there as to how a fetish develops. The classical theory is said to be that the object of fetishism and sexual stimulus are presented at the same time and thus through the learning process they get associated with each other. The learning process is not always during sexual exploration, but can happen early in childhood when what makes you feel happy is constantly the same thing. The sense of euphoria is then attached to that object and can transition into a more adult behavior once sexual maturity has been reached. For example, it may only be shiny skin that arouses a person at first, but in time more common stimuli, such as shiny latex, may have the same effect.

Other theories state that a fetish is gained through heredity or through psychological distress. I tend to believe that it is more the classical theory than any other. If you wish to read a bit on these other two theories you can do so on the Wikipedia article about Fetishism.

Are Fetishes Common?

Fetishes are relatively uncommon. They are more likely in heterosexual men than any other gender group.  That doesn’t mean you can’t develop a temporary fetish. Occasionally there is something that just turns me on about a certain object and I will fantasize about it for some time before it drops off my sexual radar, so to speak. During my high school and college career I was obsessed with anything phallic shaped, as are many women prior (and after) sexual initiation. I am not afflicted quite so much with phallic-fetishism. There is nothing harmful about a temporary fetish as long as you can engage in the fetish safely.

Some fetishes can not be acted out in a loving, healthy manner. A more grotesque fetish I have read about is necrophilia (sex with dead people). This is a fetish that is generally treated with psychotherapy and medication. There are several such fetishes that can harm a person or are detrimental to others if engaged in. You can explore those on your own if you wish to research them.

One of the most common fetishes has to do with feet. Foot worship is quite acceptable in the BDSM arena, but outside it most foot fetishists have to keep their desires hidden. Other foot fetishists have a love of shoes and high heels. One of my favorite blogs to read is Diary of a Long-Distance Sub (NSFW). The submissive has a growing collection of shoes for her Dominant to enjoy and most of the pictures she shares on her blog have her shoes showing prominently with a part of her sexual anatomy.  This is a healthy way to explore the fetish and is a good read.

10 Most Common Fetishes

1. Feet
2. High-heels and knee-high boots
3. Piercing
4. Silk, satin, leather or latex
5. Hands
6. Hair
7. Role playing: doctor, nurse etc.
8. Body parts like flat, tight tummy
9. Balloons
10. Finger-nails art

What else do you know about fetishes? Do you think you have one? Why or why not?

Donate to Submissive Guide

Submissive Guide is run by your donations, and affiliate purchases. I’m looking ahead into my 2nd year providing quality writing that is meant to help submissives everywhere learn about themselves and the services they wish to provide. I could use your help.

1. If you find Submissive Guide to be a valuable resource, please consider making a donation for continued writing. I put over 25 hours into this site every week.
2. You can do this by sending your donation via Paypal to subguide@gmail.com.
3. If you’d like some recognition for your donation, become a sponsor. Go to the website and submit your donation via the form on the right side of the page. As soon as your donation is complete, your message with URL will show up for 30 days on the site. It takes just $2 USD to show up in the list.
4. If money isn’t your idea of a donation, I would love to accept your gently read BDSM related books; both fiction and nonfiction. I will use them for reviews on the site.
5. I can also use your donations in the form of anything else I can use as prizes for giveaways and contests.
6. Lastly I’d love to know what you want to see on the site that I may be missing. Ideas are always welcome.

Thank you,

–lunaKM

Domesticity: The Kitchen

The kitchen is the heart of any home and having a clean and germ-free work environment for cooking and food preparation is important. Knowing some skills and cleaning tips can make keeping your kitchen clean and sparkling effortless. No longer is doing dishes and mopping floors drudgery; enhanced it can be an important part of your service when you wear your domestic servant hat.

Danae on Domestic Servitude has put together a fabulous Fall Cleaning list for every room of the house. You can download the PDF of the kitchen cleaning list here! Below is my general cleaning list for the kitchen. You can make yours more detailed and edit it for your own kitchen.

Kitchen Cleaning Checklist

1. Large appliances cleaned inside and out.
2. Small appliances cleaned outside and underneath.
3. Counter tops washed, dried and polished.
4. Kitchen cabinets wiped with furniture polish.
5. Dishes washed, dried and put away or stored in dishwasher.
6. Kitchen sink cleaned out, wiped and polished with cleaner.
7. Kitchen floor swept and damp mopped.
8. Trash removed.

Listed below are articles across the web that I have found to be helpful for setting up my own cleaning routine for the kitchen. I hope that you will explore these and if you don’t have a cleaning routine in place; consider starting one with the kitchen.

Kitchen Cleaning Tips – Easy tips and preventative measures to keeping your kitchen clean and organized.

Quick and Easy Kitchen Cleaning Tips – Preventative tips and quick cleaning to have your guests complimenting your kitchen.

Kitchen Cleaning Tips – Tips submitted by readers on LifeTip.com

Kitchen Cleaning Tips for the Lazy Cleaner – Quick and easy tips for anyone that leads a busy life.

Natural Kitchen Cleaning Tips – Using everyday household items like vinegar and baking soda to clean instead of harmful and expensive cleaners.

Stop Scrubbing: Fast and Easy Kitchen Cleanup Tips – Small tips to keep things cleaner in the kitchen before you have a mess.

Kitchen Cleaning Tips - An extensive cleaning how-to for every item in your kitchen.

15 Minute Kitchen Clean Up – Cleaning the kitchen doesn’t have to take a lot of time!

Intense Kitchen Cleaning – If you have more time, here’s a longer, more intense cleaning.

Kitchen Cleaning Tips – More little tips to keep your kitchen sparkling and germ free.

photo by palindrome6996

The Roundtable: Chastity

Gather around the table everyone, I’d like to learn about something I don’t know a lot about. I welcome you to add your thoughts and comments to this post and if you feel an inclination, send me a guest post letting me know what you think.

This month I’d like to talk about chastity. If you have any opinions or thoughts on the subject I’d love to see them in the comments! Here’s some questions to get you started:

• Do you participate in chastity?
• What is the longest time you have gone without an orgasm?
• Do you wear a physical device? What does it look like?
• Is orgasm control part of chastity?
• How do you feel in chastity?
• Is it easier for men or for women to be in chastity? (The physical devices or the activity, your choice)
• What does chastity teach you about submission?
• For those not currently in chastity, would you consider going into chastity? Why, why not?
• What is the biggest taboo surrounding chastity?

Sub v. Slave: A Second Opinion

This is a guest post by Beth, as she will tell you, she’s a 24/7 slave of 2 years and would like to express what she sees as the differences between sub and slave. If you would like to read Rayne’s opinion, you can do so on this post.

First off I would like to introduce myself. I’m Beth, or as some may know of me as jjsslave on fetlife.com. I’m also jajsslave on Twitter. I am a 24/7 collared slave and have lived with my Master for going on 2 years now. Well, by the time this is posted it will be 2 years. Ive been in the lifestyle for 7 years and have came a long way. I  have learned many lessons along the way, all which have shaped me into what I am today. The biggest lesson I learned early on was during my first encounter with my Master. It was the importance of not telling too much online to others and that you should guard yourself against the preditors out there. There are good guys out there. Ive been lucky enough to find one, however there are many scary people out there.

To me there is quite a difference between being submissive and a slave. I think it would be easier for me to start on the submissive side. In my 7 years in the lifestyle I started out as a sub. I really feel that until the past 2 years I remained a sub.  With that being said, I had more options in life, at least in my mind. A submissive retains the power over themselves and their body. Many are not going to agree with me on this. I don’t feel that discipline, true discipline should be put in place with a sub. ”Play” or “scene” discipline is one thing but actually discipline where corporal punishments, writings and corner times for example are put in place, I feel are completely off base. If a submissive still has power over themselves then how can they really mess up to the point of punishment outside of play. Slaves on the other hand, particularly those who live it 24/7 sometimes need punishment just for the sake of training, being kept in line and as a reminder of their place.

I had considered myself a slave before moving in with Master, yet I don’t think it was until he assigned me to look up the terms submissive and slave that I truly realized the differences. Unfortunately Ive lost that writing, but the idea is still in my mind. Hmm, this is consensual slavery right??? Then why is it that even though the door is there I can’t imagine walking out and never coming back? A slave has one option for the most point. Obey or leave!! Do i have the options of telling Master “no”?? Not if i want to continue to stay with Him. This brings me to another point, limits. Submissives often have soft and hard limits and can enforce them or use them at will. Not saying that is a bad thing, it gives the person that little extra protection over their body and mind. On the other side of things I feel a slave doesn’t quite have the same rights when it comes to limits. I feel a slave should take on the limits of their Master. If a slave has a hard limit well.. i guess that could be discussed and taken into consideration but ultimately the decision lays with the Master on if the slave is allowed to have that limit. Communication is a must.

While these are just a few examples of the thoughts floating around in my head, I feel these are the more important ones.  This is a very heated topic where I don’t feel anyone will ever agree. The bottom line is that there is no one way to live the lifestyle and that goes for submissives and slaves alike. One of the most important qualities anyone in this lifestyle can have is respect.  Respect for others and how they enjoy and live in the BDSM lifestyles. The good news is, those who live this lifestyle are generally accepting of everyone else’s choices on how to live this life.

I would like to thank LunaKM for giving me the opportunity to write this. I look forward to possibly doing more writing in the future as i really enjoyed doing this.

Beth is a 24/7 collared slave and have lived with her Master for going on 2 years now and in the lifestyle for 7 years. You can contact her on FetLife or Twitter.

Post photo by Purple Sea Donkey

Submissive and Slave: A Personal View

This post was written by Rayne. You can follow her twitter for active and interesting conversation.

I’m pretty big on book definitions. So for me, the word “submissive” has always been an adjective describing a personality trait. When I got involved in BDSM, it became, for me, a heading, of sorts, describing a group of people.

Under the heading of submissive, there are three main labels I – and others – use to describe the bottom half of the totem pole in BDSM relationships. Generally speaking, each label delineates a level of submission. How much control the person has given to their dominant. Because there is no set standard (How could there be?) of how much or how little submission one must give to be considered submissive, we instead give the different levels of submission names to aid in communication. A way of getting an idea of how much or how little control the submissive is willing to give up without having to get to know them.

In the grand scheme of things, one is not better than the other, except for the person in question. They’re just different.

Generally speaking, we call someone who is only submissive in the bedroom or at play parties and such a bottom. They are not interested in giving up total control. They enjoy being dominated sexually – or sometimes just being bound and hurt without involving sex at all – but really have no interest in being controlled on a regular basis. This group of submissive people leaves their submission at the door of their play space.

A lot of people start out here. Being the bottom of a scene is often a gateway. A place where people discover deeper, more submissive desires. I was a bottom before I was a sub and sub before slave. A lot of submissive people I know followed that progression. Not everyone, though.

People occasionally shorten “submissive” when specifically discussing this next group to avoid confusion. It’s a running joke, in the community, that a “sub” is a sandwich, and you’ll occasionally hear people talking about wanting roast beef and provolone on theirs. But since the first day M dragged me onto IRC, using “sub” has been my way of making it clear I am talking about this particular level of submission and not submissive people as a whole.

So what’s a sub? That’s where it gets tricky. Because the line between sub and slave is rather fine and blurs a lot. People often use “submissive” and “slave” interchangeably. But they are not the same thing.

A sub is someone who still retains some control, but is in service to someone else. They have the right to say no and walk away at any time. They have a safe word. They have limits. They’re not owned.

An article I read recently described it best when it said “A submissive is a volunteer. A slave is not.”

A slave is owned. That’s probably the only constant. Some slaves have safe words. Some do not. Some slaves have negotiated limits. Some do not. Some slaves have submissive personalities. Some are only submissive with the one who owns them. Some slaves have given up their right to leave, or consented to having it taken from them. Some retain the right to walk out the door whenever they choose.

Legally, we all have that right. Some of us just choose not to acknowledge it.

In my perfect world, a slave is someone without limits or safe words. A slave is someone who opens himself or herself completely to his or her owner. Complete transparency. Total power exchange. He or she doesn’t have a choice.

But in my reality, it’s illegal to own another human being. Some states don’t recognize consent. In the interest of keeping the owner out of prison, the submissive is allowed to negotiate the rules. Even I can’t or don’t always live up to my perfect world. So it doesn’t surprise me that others don’t, can’t or aren’t interested.

Some say the difference between a submissive and a slave has nothing whatever to do with how much control one gives up or how submissive one is. That it’s in one’s actions. In the way the slave obeys without question or hesitation. In the respect in the slave’s voice when he or she speaks with his or her owner. In the way the slave knows what the owner needs almost before the owner does. But I’ve known some submissives to show their dominants more respect than some slaves show their owners.

A submissive is someone who submits willingly, sometimes on a case by case basis, to the will of another. A slave is someone who is wholly controlled and owned by another. That’s really the sum of it.

Rayne is a loving slave with sadistic tendencies and masochistic desires. Chaos incarnate. The girl your mother warned you about.  She writes toy reviews and blogs about being a 24/7 medium protocol slave to her husband Melen at Insatiable Desire (http://www.insatiabledesire.com/), along with four other bloggers involved in the lifestyle.  She also guest write a series that is a basic look at M/s at Eden Cafe (http://www.edencafe.com/) with a number of other authors who write about various sex-positive subjects.

photo by BL1961

Using Contracts to Negotiate a Relationship

When you get married, you have to legally sign a document attesting to your decision to be married. The legal document can come in many forms but most have a brief section about what each party declares for the union, how they will treat each other and how commitment will be displayed (change of names usually). In a D/s relationship it is not unfamiliar to also draft a contract in which to declare your intentions with each other. These are not required, of course, and some people will proclaim the invalidity of these documents to anyone who will listen.

I feel that the creation of a contract has some very useful and valuable  importance to a growing relationship.

What are D/s contracts?

A contract is a document written up by one or both parties entering a relationship. This contract specifies the responsibilities of the people involved. It is not a standard operating procedures document and should not list all of the rules you are to be given. The important new behaviors can be listed, such as how each person should be addressed and basic behavior required of each. Keep your rules and protocol or procedures to a separate, easily changed document.

A contract has a set start and ending date. This can be a short term agreement such as for a weekend or it can be a renewable contract on an agreed upon date or annually. D/s contracts can also be permanent in nature, but for the purpose of this essay I will be covering renewable contracts.

Can we put anything we want in them?

As I stated earlier, the contract is not for every small measure of control in the relationship. It is a declaration of the commitment you both wish to have and basic means for expressing certain term changes, violations in the contract and means for dismissal. If you feel you need to write up a long list of rules at the get go, don’t. Submission is a learning process and handing someone a book and saying memorize it by tomorrow just isn’t going to happen. For this reason, the rules and structure of the relationship should be in a different, living document.

I strongly suggest D/s contracts be drafted for each relationship. Using a default one is nice to start, but you will encounter areas that you want to customize for the relationship each time you sign the contract. Use other people’s contracts as an example, but just like your relationship; it’s different so only use it for inspiration.

Are they legally binding?

D/s relationship contracts are not legally binding. They have no validity in court and you can not use them for disputes after a relationship ends. Contracts of this nature are more about the spiritual connection, the emotional and physical commitment established by the people signing it. They are morally binding. This makes it very special to the people involved.

Why should I consider the use of a contract?

You should consider the use of a contract if you are in a temporary situation and are taking a collar for a short duration. This provides an element of dedication to the experience you wish to enjoy and also lays down a foundation for how the term will play out.

Contracts also give a sense of importance to the relationship. You may feel a stronger need to work hard at problems as they arise because you have a contract. You may also feel more committed to achieving everything laid out so that your contract will be renewed.

How do I draft a contract?

Since D/s contracts are not legally binding they can take on any form that you wish them to. They can be laid out like a business contract or they can be hand-written forms that are signed. It depends on what kind of relationship you are looking for on what kind will work best for you.

Start out by making a list of all the things you think are important to have in the contract. Then go through the list and decide which ones belong in the rules list instead. Rules that could potentially evolve or diminish are good for the rules list, but not for the contract.

Then have your partner look at your list and work together to add or subtract items as necessary. Once you have an agreed list, write it up in full sentences. Decide on how long the contract should remain in effect and how a renewal is to take place; whether that be an amendment to this contract or a new drafted contract. Add a declaration at the top. Something like the following is basic and works in any situation.

We, the undersigned, declare to abide by the following items below with full commitment and awareness of our role in these items during the term this contract is in effect from [start date] to [end date].

Then make a space so that you can sign and date it. Then actually sign and date it.

What do I do if my partner breaks the contract?

How did you decide to handle violations in the contract? If you didn’t define how things were going to be resolved then it’s dependent upon you to decide what to do. The contract should have a stipulation about what to do with a violation of the contract. This can be from a re-evaluation up to a termination of the contract. It’s completely up to you. Since it’s not legally binding, the people involved are the only ones responsible for carrying this out.

Where can I find examples of a D/s contract?

If you are interested in seeing what other people have come up with for their D/s contracts, you can usually find some interesting variations. Here’s a few that I came up with while looking for research materials.

Review: Protocols: a Variety of Views

If you are looking for a varied account of protocol then this book is perfect! Part of Power Exchange Books’ Resource Series Protocols: a Variety of Views is a collection of essays written by people living a life with protocol in place. You will get every opinion represented here as well as a few book reviews at the end of other protocol related books you might be interested in.

Compiled of 13 well thought out essays from every role imaginable and some well known voices in the alternative community leadership, this book has what it needs and then some. You will learn what people consider protocol, what the difference is between that and ritual as well as ceremony. There are some lovely examples of personal protocols lived out in their relationships and opinions that may align with yours.

I like that the book is short essays, as I admit my attention span is relatively short. I can read one essay at a time and then give it some time to digest before moving on to another. In fact, that’s how I recommend you read this book. I tried reading one essay immediately following another and the differing viewpoints clashed in my brain and I had to reread them.

My favorite essay has to be by slave elizabeth titled, “Development of Protocols in the Order of Discipline and Service.” She shares with us her ‘unusual’ protocols that her Dominant has for the house and to be honest hers is the first I’ve read or heard about to hold these protocols. She and the other slaves that serve have uniforms much like a job would for about any occasion, they wear chains at all times, even while out and I love the idea of having personal cells for time away from serving. I was so interested in it I read the essay twice just to take care of my fascination.

If you are curious about protocol I’d recommend this compilation. It has everything you’d want to know and maybe some you wouldn’t think to learn.

Product Details

• luna’s Rating: 7/10
• Published on: 2008-10-01
• Original language: English
• Binding: Paperback
• 106 pages

Buy Protocols: A Variety of Views: Power Exchange Books’ Resource Series By Robert Rubel PhD

The Disposable Relationship Mentality

I’ve been witness to a shocking new trend in relationships lately. Perhaps I’m old school or old fashioned but what I’m seeing in today’s society, and not just the BDSM culture, is the lack of effort in relationships.

As I was raised I was taught that something worthwhile wasn’t always easy to achieve and you may have to work hard to get it. I applied this to everything in my life; including the relationships I developed. My marriage may have failed, but I didn’t give up and worked very hard to make it work before admitting defeat. The same goes for my current relationship. It takes work.

Now I’m not saying that you should give every relationship a fighting chance because I know some relationships are rushed into, lacking desire, destructive or overall bad for you. These are not what I mean by disposable relationships. These are relationships that everyone has to experience to know what a good relationship looks like.

An Example of What I’m Talking About

Recently Master and I were going through a rough patch. Things have since cleared up so there’s no need to worry, I know I didn’t. Recommendations from people that barely know us were along the lines of the disposable relationship mentality.

“Oh well you’ve been together for so long, maybe you aren’t compatible anymore and should consider moving on.”

“If you are having problems then perhaps he isn’t the right guy for you, get out while you are still young.”

“I’d toss him on the curb and find a real man!”

All of these really had me shocked. It’s not like I was begging for happiness in our relationship, I was just voicing my frustrations with the current dilemma. Master and I work hard at our relationship. We have a very open communication channel and use it regularly to talk about everything. We are the most openly communicative relationship I have seen.  We don’t give up because deep inside the love for each other is worth keeping. If your are spiritually happy in your relationship you’ll understand on what level Master and I are.

The Disposable Relationship Mentality

I see the advice we tend to give people online that we barely know. We jump to the conclusion that their relationship is doomed and tell them 9 times out of 10 that the man or woman just isn’t worth it and they need to let them go and move on. We do this without hearing the other side, asking more questions or even understanding where this issue came from that they are asking advice on. Why do we do this?

The disposable relationship mentality is a lot like our disposable nature with everything else. We throw everything away. Quality has taken a back seat to convenience and cost. We dismiss issues with a relationship as broken goods and we just let them loose to try and find someone else that won’t break. Of course when that one does as well we start hating relationships altogether. There’s no effort anymore.

Do you think a relationship will blossom if the two or more people involved don’t work at it? Of course not. How hard are you working in your relationship to make it work to your satisfaction?

How about your current relationship? Is it like that toaster you have to keep replacing every few years because it stops toasting correctly or is it that cherished family heirloom that you take great care in keeping beautiful and shining for all to see?

Submissive Chat Night 10/27/09: Dating and Online Dominant Searches

It’s time for another chat night here at Submissive Guide. This week’s topic will be one I am very interested in. As always, the chat is expected to last about 1 1/2 hours and is open to everyone.

When: 10/27/09 at 8:00pm Central Time

Where: Chat room located on the website

Topic: Dating and Online Dominant Searches

I will be asking you to give me permission to save a transcript of the chat session and post it on the website for others to share in the conversation. Dominants are welcome to attend. See everyone then!

Optional Pre-Work

• Red Flags, Warning Signs, and Intuition: Learning to Trust You Instincts – Part One: Dominants
• Dating in the Lifestyle
• On Love and D/s

Questions:

1. What are the most common ways to find Dominants to date?
2. What is considered a safe way to meet someone?
3. What is expected on a date with a Dominant?
4. What isn’t expected on a date with a Dominant?
5. What is the difference between dating in the vanilla sense and dating in D/s?
6. Around what date do you play? Compared to when you’d open up for possible sex during a vanilla relationship, why do you allow play at this point in time?

When Protocol Becomes Boring

Protocol. It can be a scary word if you are new to submission. In a relationship, it is likely that you will have some protocol established to control your behavior. So, what is protocol? Simply defined, protocol is the set of special rules that you follow for defined situations that remind you of your place in the relationship. Every relationship is different and will have a different level of protocol. One of my first protocol rules was to call my Dominant ‘Master’ when in private and lifestyle event situations. It was a simple change in my normal behavior and a reminder of my place in the relationship.

As the protocols developed I was so excited to finally be doing what I had dreamed about and read in so many BDSM fiction books. I was living with rules and protocol and my mindset thrived. I felt so good about my place in the relationship and the happiness that Master displayed at my success. The pleasure I felt wasn’t just sexual it was like a part of my soul was finally being satisfied.

It didn’t last. After a few months I started to feel less happy about my protocol. It felt less like bliss and more like a chore. I had lost the attachment to WHY the protocol was in place to begin with; the reminder of my place in the relationship. The honeymoon period was over. Things got really rocky in our relationship because the effort involved in doing the protocol got more and more difficult for me, and the stress he experienced was just as bad.

What happened?

I lost focus for why the rules and protocols existed in the first place. I stopped feeling my submission when I obeyed and began rebelling with what I had gotten so used to doing for joy. I started looking to those fiction stories I’ve read for some sort of answer to my loss in vision. Why couldn’t I make the fantasy my reality? I was very stuck with that thought.

So what did I do?

Talk about it: I first approached my Dominant and explained to him how I was feeling and expressed that I didn’t like what had happened to me and us. We have a very open communication stream and it didn’t come as a surprise to him that this conversation was occurring. We talked about how long I had been feeling off task and also some ideas of what I could do to get back on track. It wasn’t an easy conversation as the fault, which is hard for me to take, was all mine.

The fantasy was just that; fantasy. I had to find my own reality in the protocols. I had to seek the happiness I once had and hang on to it. I started reviewing my rules on a daily basis. I developed a meditation routine to do to keep my submission blossoming. I learned how to self-correct my behavior before it became noticeable.

Most importantly, I made it a priority to create my own reality; one that would work better than trying to live a fantasy. It’s a constant work in progress and I still have my bad and good days. I know it will get better. One day I will be living as I’ve dreamed and the peace that I strive for everyday will find me.

photo by lepiaf.geo

Chat Night Transcript From What is Service Talk

lunaKM> So, first I’d like to get some impression about how new you are to submission. Could you please tell me how long you have been exploring submission and if you are in a relationship right now?

lunaKM> hello aquamuse

aquamuse> Hello, I’m new of course.

eagerslut> I am in a relationship and just recently discovered I am submissive and asked my master to teach me. Previously he had other subs

selene1123> i am currently in a 24/7 m/s relationship…have been exploring submission for about 6 months

aquamuse> I am in my first positive and healthy D/s relationship now with a man who is just discovering how much he likes it when I do what he asks.

aquamuse> about 6 months.

eagerslut> We always have had a sexual d/s relationship but 2 wks ago i discovered I wanted a 24/7

pleasure> i am in a 24/7 D/s relationship for over 6 years now…..i am 53 and in the lifestyle 6 1/2 years

bc26_2> i have only been doing this since march of this year and i am in a D/s relationship for that same amount of time

lunaKM> I’ve been living 24/7 for 5 years, just so you know ;)

pleasure> smiles

eagerslut> :O:

lunaKM> Ok, so we have a range of experience levels. thank you so much for sharing with me.

pleasure> it’s an ever evolving lifestyle and growth, no matter how long one has been in it

eagerslut> That is what I believe

lunaKM> Now, what do you think service is to you? No answer is wrong.

selene1123> To me, service is anything i physically do for Master’s purpose or enjoyment

aquamuse> I’m going to venture here and say service is being totally available, open and willing to comply. This assumes my basic needs are taken care of and put to the side for the time being.

eagerslut> Doing something for someone that would make them happy,even if you don’t feel like doing it. Giving your heart and soul to please that person

pleasure> nick/pleasure…….service/submission..is all the same to me…what ever makes my Sir life easier, happier…and i might add that i am actually more a slave

lunaKM> I’ve always believed that service is a part of my submission and what I give to my Master on a daily basis. Service is, to me, the activities that help the house run, our life be enjoyable and the basic needs met.

pleasure> yes exactly luna

eagerslut> That is very true

lunaKM> But I had someone explain to me yesterday on my recent post that they believe service is separate from submission

lunaKM> and I really like that explanation she gave too.

bc26_2> i agree with service being anything that makes the house run and enjoyable…even when my Mistress is not here

selene1123> i see service as the physical representation of my emotion submission

selene1123> *emotional

aquamuse> I like that selene1123

lunaKM> I’m going to quote it here… CarrieAnn said: To me, service and submission are different. Service is something I do because I’m required to or even want to but doesn’t necessarily require that I submit to anything or anyone. I can not have a submissive bone in my body and still serve. Submission is more direct; surrender to his will, submission to his dominance. The two often merge but are not always one and the same.
eagerslut> I like that too

bc26_2> oh i like that too

pleasure> yes i like that

eagerslut> I can see that point

lunaKM> So as you can see for some of us they are the same thing, but for others they are separate

lunaKM> Perhaps that is why I see people identify as service submissives?

eagerslut> As is everything in life we are all different and we interpret things differently,from our own background

eagerslut> I like that term

bc26_2> i feel that i am in service to many — myself, my Mistress, my daughter at some level…but i submit to only my Mistress

lunaKM> If we can agree that service is likely to be activities and not emotional in nature then perhaps we can come up with a list of things that are service?

aquamuse> I can agree with the definition.

eagerslut> I am a nurse so I feel I service others on a daily basis but I submit to my MAster .

bc26_2> i agree

lunaKM> alright so is my daily coffee preparation for my Master service or submission?

lunaKM> How about the daily chores?

pleasure> i am a nurse too,as like eager, i only submit to my Sir

eagerslut> C

selene1123> i would consider daily tasks or chores service

aquamuse> by definiton – these are examples of serice.

eagerslut> keeping the house clean

selene1123> but why you do it and how you do it is an aspect of submission

eagerslut> making sure my Masters children are taken care of

pleasure> laundry, making the bed..keeping the house clean is all service…

* lunaKM nods

lunaKM> Is sex a form of service?

eagerslut> BAking.massages,listening

aquamuse> baby making?

pleasure> my Sir has set in rules for a clean house

pleasure> yes i believe that would be a service aqua

selene1123> sex to me is a form of service

pleasure> i agree selene

eagerslut> Yes I think sex is a form of service,but I love it so much it definitely isn’t a chore

pleasure> no chore here either lol

aquamuse> hehe

lunaKM> Are all things service related as chores though?

pleasure> service doesn’t have to be something enjoyed

lunaKM> I’d think that there are some things you do that you enjoy just as much as sex as service.

aquamuse> I have things like workouts and keeping a calendar updated – are these service by our definition?

pleasure> no i don’t think all things service related are chores

eagerslut> I hate to cook but I do it because my Master loves it when I do. He generally does most of the cooking but I know he is very pleased when I do

lunaKM> I believe so aqua

selene1123> service itself is enjoyable to me…even if the act i am performing may not be

lunaKM> For me that’s hard to get in touch with selene1123. I’m quite expressive in my face and even if I try not to show my displeasure at a task he tends to figure it out.

bc26_2> i agree with you selene

pleasure> yes but you are still serving luna

aquamuse> me too selene1123

lunaKM> heh, I hear that a lot from him also :P

eagerslut> I do also

lunaKM> Next thought…. do all submissives serve and do all that serve submit?

pleasure> no

eagerslut> No

aquamuse> no

bc26_2> no

lunaKM> In what way can we describe the separation?

pleasure> it’s clearly upon each individual and the circumstances of the relationship

eagerslut> I think they are interchangable

pleasure> i don’t think there is line to divide the two….they do intertwine at times for many of us

selene1123> some may serve out of necessity or arrangement (like a stay-at-home mother or father) but that doesn’t mean they are submitting

pleasure> very true

eagerslut> Yes I agree

pleasure> to submit for me is doing something i detest….and yet serving

pleasure> does that make sense ?

lunaKM> Why do you think service is held in such a high place when Dominants talk about what they would like in a partner?

lunaKM> It does pleasure.

eagerslut> I think serving is a task you can do for anyone and submission is giving your being over to your Master.

eagerslut> To establish routines

pleasure> first of all….Dominates…are predominately Male….and have different ideas and thoughts as to what serving is…it’s what and how They define it

aquamuse> I know my Lover simply enjoys the idea that I obey him in simple requests. I think the power of that has suprised him.

eagerslut> To esatblish who is in control

selene1123> i agree with eagerslut – to emphasize who has the reins in the relationship

aquamuse> I agree too with eagerslut

lunaKM> I think that since service is what they can see immediately as a result of their dominance that they tend to place that a bit higher in importance

lunaKM> submission may not be immediate, but you can serve

eagerslut> Yes how true

pleasure> yes

aquamuse> that idea works for me luna.

selene1123> i can see that

pleasure> there are those that identify as bottoms..they serve..but don’t submit

lunaKM> So is the desire to serve natural or something learned?

eagerslut> Both

aquamuse> for me it seems to be natural.

pleasure> one can only answer for themselves….for me it natural…and yet i feel it can be learned

eagerslut> Some come by it naturally but anyone can learn to serve if they desire

lunaKM> it’s completely learned for me. and it’s not coming easy, that’s for sure

bc26_2> it depends – it is natural for me

aquamuse> I read your bio today.

lunaKM> which one aquamuse?

selene1123> yes, it depends on the person…i’ve always felt the need to serve, though i never really had an outlet before Master

eagerslut> I am a mixture. I have some inherent ability to serve but I can be very selfish at times

aquamuse> Luna.

lunaKM> Oh I meant which site did you read it on

eagerslut> I agree with selene

pleasure> i am a nurse..to serve is natural….

aquamuse> Yours Luna, you mentioned that the whole submissive thing was contrary to your persona? I hope I got that right?

lunaKM> yeah, I’ve had to do some rewiring. It goes opposite to how I was raised.

lunaKM> I get the greatest thrill though when I do something in full submission mode though.

aquamuse> on the Submissive Guide

lunaKM> Which is probably why I’ve stuck with it.

eagerslut> i always thought taht being liberated and independent I couldn’t be submissive but I have found that since I have given myself over to it I am more liberated

lunaKM> There were a good 6 months I considered going Domme. ;)

pleasure> i lived in a marriage of 23 yrs, and didn’t realize till after my divorce that he was controlling..not Dominate ..there is a difference..and to the way one submits to each

bc26_2> can you describe what you mean by full submission mode

aquamuse> * smiles*

pleasure> you are free now to be who you really are inside

eagerslut> Yes controlling is different My first husband was a controller

selene1123> i agree eagerslut…Master likes to make fun of the fact that i am a feminist submissive

lunaKM> full submission mode for me is when I’m given a task and as I’m performing it, no matter what that is, I feel a peace, like all the pieces fit just right, a perfection at my choices in life.

lunaKM> I’d like to attain that as permanently as possible, but right now it’s just fits and starts.

eagerslut> You explained that beautifully

eagerslut> I will strive for that

bc26_2> nice

lunaKM> I get like a buzzing in my head almost when I get there, and my heart swells in my chest. It’s grand.

aquamuse> I wan’t that too.

pleasure> good way to explain it luna……for myself, luna, i call that “focus”

lunaKM> yeah, it is a focus, sure!

selene1123> to me, it’s a moment of perfect connection with Master

pleasure> smiles

eagerslut> :)

lunaKM> Do any of you provide any unique service to your Dominant?

eagerslut> I remodeled his home,laid tile

pleasure> well….grins ..everything from toweling Him dry after a shower..to tying of His shoes

bc26_2> wow – you go

eagerslut> Had to go to Home depot to learn that

pleasure> Dom Depot lol

eagerslut> ;)

lunaKM> Master loans me out to the BDSM communities around us when calls for volunteers are needed for events. I’ve folded pamphlets to checking people in at the door and serving as hostess.

lunaKM> He’s not as … outgoing as I am… so he says I go in his place :P

selene1123> i act as His personal assistant…He hates writing, remembering appts, anything like that so i kinda “manage” things for Him

lunaKM> I am also Master’s chauffeur. He never drives

eagerslut> I get him out of the house to exercise he hates to get going but enjoys it once he does

eagerslut> Mine hates to drive also

* lunaKM chuckles I wish I could do that for my Owner. He just says watching me is enough workout.

pleasure> we mentor others in the lifestyle..and i have given classes as other Doms request Their subs/slaves need training in areas of service that the Dom is not able to do

pleasure> (at)

lunaKM> I suppose Submissive Guide is a service I provide too

pleasure> oh yes luna !! smiles

eagerslut> Yes it helps me

pleasure> a service to all that reads it

aquamuse> Good service!

selene1123> very informative for the new slave!

bc26_2>  agreed

pleasure> being in the lifestyle for over 6 years now, but i am still a child learning my way

lunaKM> Like eagerslut said, she had to learn something in order to serve in a way or another. What have you went out to learn so that you could serve better?

pleasure> i took geisha classes ! lol

eagerslut> I love to learn and feel like I would wither away if I am not learning

lunaKM> what are geisha classes like?

pleasure> learn grace, pose …..

eagerslut> Oh I would love to do a geisha class

bc26_2> i am putting together a list for my Mistress now on things I need to learn

aquamuse> I learned the theory’s of lifting weights and started workout out.

lunaKM> oh lordy, Master would so have me in a grace and poise class in a

heartbeat.

bc26_2> lol

pleasure> it was fantastic….a part of me woke up, literally…..seeing His eyes the first time i walked in the room with out plunking down on the floor at His feet lol

eagerslut> I love the grace of a geisha. my Master lived in Okinawa and he is into that

selene1123> Master has discussed sending me to geisha classes, but the closest ones are almost 6 hours away :(

eagerslut> :(

lunaKM> awesome I doubt there are any around me, but I’m sure I can find some reference materials online ;)

aquamuse> I read that book about Gehsha. Loved it!

pleasure> google it selene…there are online sites that have wonderful tips, ect

eagerslut> I’ll do that also

aquamuse> I believe beauty is a service.

eagerslut> I have been practicing yoga and getting into position gracefully

pleasure> i may be in jeans and t-shirt one day , dirty in garden dust….but i have a feeling..of being sexy…

pleasure> oh yes i agree aqua

selene1123> definitely aqua

eagerslut> I feel sexy when I think of my Master

pleasure> taking pride in your appearance

lunaKM> Alright, anything else you’d like to cover about service?

bc26_2> yes, taking pride in appearance

eagerslut> Appearance is very important

eagerslut> I love shaving and getting ready to see him

eagerslut> He loves for me to wear dresses and heels.The heels are definately a service

selene1123> haha, my Master is the opposite

pleasure> i shave daily, sometimes twice if we are having company, for a teaching session for others ….shaving is a daily service for many subs/slaves

selene1123> i wear dresses and heels all the tim, so He likes me to wear jeans and sneakers

pleasure> your behavior…just as appearance reflects service….and it reflects back to Your Dom/Master

eagerslut> Yes my Master has already informed me of that. To speak succinctly when asked a question and to think before I speak

pleasure> yes and in a quiet tone…..

pleasure> in geisha training, words are not needed

pleasure> it’s your body that speaks for you

pleasure> the way you move….kneeling down to tie His shoe, He knows i have arthritis in both knees..that is service though painful for me

eagerslut> true

lunaKM> Well ladies that is all I have for tonight. I can stay for another half hour to chat so I’m going to open the floor for free chat if anyone would like to stay.

eagerslut> I’m going to have to get a geisha outfit now

bc26_2> thank you very much for the chat luna

eagerslut> That you for your insight luna

aquamuse> Thank you luna.

Also might interest you

Simply Service Newsletter

Living as an Emotionally Healthy Submissive

Being an emotionally healthy person is a goal that all of us have but a smaller margin actually accomplish. With the constant stress of commitments and modern day obligations our emotions face the brunt of it. The goal of a submissive is to seek that balance in emotional states so that our service appears stress-free and sincere; even if we have a lot going on in the background. Living as an emotionally healthy submissive takes knowing what is considered healthy to begin with. Applying the following concepts to your own life can help you bring balance to your mental state.

• A healthy submissive nurtures, maintains and develops life-affirming relationships. Rarely are self-destructive relationships sought or sustained. This also includes the the open friendships the submissive has.
• A healthy submissive is capable of intense joy and happiness in a sustained relationship. The feelings expressed by a submissive with a balanced emotional state are full and impressive.
• A healthy submissive is a giver. Even if it means offering their last bit of change, a submissive is willing to sacrifice to bring comfort and happiness to others. Often a submissive needs to learn self-control as to not give over more than they are capable of.
• A healthy submissive is sensitive to the emotional needs of others. Compassion and sympathy are honest emotions that a submissive can get in touch with really easily to comfort others.
• A healthy submissive is accepting of herself and does not have cultural hang ups over her body or appearance. She is comfortable in her skin and is not easily impacted by social media suggestions.

This is just a beginning for what concepts can guide your life in an emotionally healthy way. Seeking balance is what everyone desires. How many times have you heard or said that everything seems out of balance? Bringing peace to your emotional well being is important to living as a happy and healthy submissive.

It’s not as easy as it sounds. I know, I’ve tried. I’m constantly trying to bring peace to myself. “Serenity Now!” The drama of being online a lot, the turmoil of a one income household, loving your best friend forever and knowing that he’s going to beat you tonight because it’s fun. Friendships come and go like the seasons in the garden of life and while you may miss the more vibrant ones, each has touched you in some profound way. Welcoming the joy of past memories into your thoughts can help bring peace.

Interacting with others is also every healthy for the submissive soul. It could be volunteering at an assisted living facility or watching the neighbor’s kids while they go out for a movie. Being there for people replenishes the submissive soul. I’ve even found it welcoming to people watch at the mall. Seeing other people struggle with life can put yours into perspective.

I’ve always envisioned my ideal life as being the peace bringer to my relationship. Someone that can see the stress and dissipate it effortlessly. Trying to achieve that goal helps me lead an emotionally healthier life.

What do you do that keeps you healthy?

Photo by Untitled blue

Is It Submission If You Like What You’re Doing?

I love surfing the submissive blogs to see what other people are talking about. Many times it gives me something to talk about here on this site. This post is one such example. Over on Underhishand.com, kaya asked about submission and what qualifies it as submission. She asked if you are not expected to do things that you don’t like, can it be submission? Can activities that you would do normally become submission just by someone telling you to do them, or being directed to perform them?

It’s an interesting question and one that has me really thinking about what I consider submission, whether I would be considered a submissive for what I do and how would my life be if it fell into kaya’s philosophy. How would you decide what is considered submitting and what doesn’t?

In my opinion, anything that a Dominant asks the submissive to do is considered submission to them when performed. This can be as basic as making coffee in the morning to being forced to lick his shoes even though you have expressed a distaste for that.  Whether or not you would do them without direction doesn’t matter. It is still submission because the Dominant has expressed that x, y and z would make them happy.

For kaya, only things that are considered submission are things you have to be challenged, pushed and  forced to do. Essentially doing things that the only joy would be in knowing that your Dominant is happy that you did them.

If everything you’re doing is stuff that you would do on your own anyway, and the only difference now is that someone is telling you to do what you were already doing, and you’re never challenged or pushed or expected to, you know, actually submit to something or someone…. I have trouble seeing the submission. –kaya

Let’s use a basic example and apply it to kaya’s question in different situations. The activity I will use for this discussion is washing dishes. Let’s say that on a normal day a submissive not in a relationship does the dishes once a day before bed. It’s a habit that they have developed and maintained.

Entering into a relationship, this same submissive is told that they have to do the dishes once a day. Since they already have this habit in place, can this be submission? Yes it is because the Dominant has now expressed a desire for the submissive to maintain the habit they already have in place. You are submitting to the Dominant’s wishes to continue a desirable habit.

Now consider if the Dominant asked the submissive to wash the dishes within a half hour after dinner is complete. The dishes being washed is still only once a day but it means changing the habit to obey the Dominant and do them earlier. Is this now submission? In this instance I would also say that yes, it is submission. This is an example of behavior modification and once the submissive moves their habit to washing the dishes at the right time, the daily dish washing would still continue to be a routine that would likely continue with or without the Dominant. It would please the Dominant to have the submissive change their habit to suit their preferences.

Next the Dominant sets up a specific washing routine that the submissive needs to follow. This routine specifies what the submissive should wear to do dishes, what order to wash them in and perhaps even how they are to be placed in the drying rack. All of the items in this routine are different from what the submissive has been doing in their habit of washing the dishes once a day. Is this now submission? Yes. It’s a new routine that the submissive must follow and obey, and to please the Dominant, the new order must be upheld. Even if this would then become habit, the submissive performs for the Dominant’s pleasure.

What if another submissive enters the relationship and is asked to do the dishes on a daily basis. This submissive hates doing the dishes and yet is expected to fulfill the Dominant’s desire. Is this submissive MORE submissive than the other just based on the fact that they are being made to do something that they don’t normally enjoy or want to do? No. They are still submissive as long as they carry out the request.

What I’m trying to get at here, is that submission is based on what is agreed upon in the relationship. It can include things that you are happy doing and that make you feel good when you do them. There may also be things that challenge you, or push you to some limit and you have to perform them just as well. Putting limits on what is submissive and what isn’t is a lot like competition with others, that I’ve already expressed an opinion on.

It is an individual idea of what is submissive behavior and what isn’t. The importance is not to express it out loud to the person if you disagree with how they do things or if you define what they are doing as NOT submissive. Everyone has a right to live their life however they want, and if they submit by doing only things that they love and adore (and the Dominant agrees to this) then who’s to say that they aren’t submissive?

photo by three7zero

Want To Win $100 Gift Certificate from Stockroom.com?

It’s quite simple really. All you need to do is donate $10 to the National Leather Association-International Domestic Violence Project. The way you do that is go to this page or check out the blue box in on the right side of this site and submit your donation. The money goes directly to the charity; I do not handle it at all.

FOR EVERY $10 YOU SEND THEM, YOU GET ONE ENTRY INTO THE GIVEAWAY!

Once you donate, I use your email address from your donation and place it in a list of contributors. This list will get run through a randomizer and the person at the top on November 4th will win $100. It’s that simple.

Please help me make my goal of $1000. Spread the news about it.

Do you have a blog or website? For every post you make about the charity fundraiser, or if you want to put the widget on your site during the month of October I will submit your name into another drawing for a $25 gift certificate to Amazon.com. Send me an email if you have posted it on your website please (subguide@gmail.com).

I also have banners, if you want to use one of those. You can pick those up on the first post. Please link back to THIS POST.

Do you use Twitter? Every day you tweet about the fundraiser will give you one entrance into the $25 gift certificate giveaway from Amazon.com. Please tweet the following text to be considered.

Donate $10 to NLA-I DVP for chance to win $100 gift certificate to JT’s Stockroom! #nlaidvp http://tinyurl.com/qnu6bf