A Collar by Any Other Name…

This month is March Question Month, and Trinity asked:

Does one know how to obtain collars that do not look like collars..so one can be worn at all time with out so called vanilla’s asking about it…?

When people think of collars, they usually picture something an animal would wear.  Supple leather with a big buckle, or canvas with plastic clips, or thick steel held closed with a padlock.  A choke chain, or a training collar that pokes when drawn tight.  With spikes, or bells, or d-rings to attach a lead to.  But the fact of the matter is, anything can be a collar.

I once had a friend who tied a pretty lavender ribbon around her neck, and that was her collar.  Another friend of mine wears a simple chain with a lock pendant from Tiffany & Co. inscribed with her owner’s name on the back.  One of my friends wears a chain with a bell on it.  One of the boys I used to know wore a gold chain with his owner’s initials.  Yet another had a necklace set with his owner that said something like “Yours always”.

My first collar…

Master has a lady friend online from Israel who He’s known longer than I’ve known He even existed.  Before I met M, on a trip to visit her family (She lives in the states, now, but some of her family still lives in Israel.), she bought M a silver necklace with a hamsa pendant on it to bring Him luck.  Even she, a woman He’d only ever conversed with on the internet, knew that if it weren’t for bad luck, my owner would have no luck.

He almost never wore the necklace.  Usually, He carried it in His pocket, or swung it around His fingers.  The latter when He was worried about something or trying to concentrate.  We had to replace the chain shortly after I met Him because He wore it out.  Then one day, His housemate’s son and I talked Him into letting us hold it.  I put it on my neck, and it became my collar when I asked Him to own me.  I’m only without it when the chain breaks.

I also wear an Eternity Collar.  It’s a hinged steel circle that locks with an allen wrench and screw.  Some people can’t pull such a collar off as just a choker they wear, but I seem to do all right.  I wear it everywhere.  Even to work, when I have a job outside of the home, which is rare.  It only comes off when we’re flying, or for medical procedures.

People ask me about it from time to time, and I’m careful who I tell the truth.  You have to be in this area.  Some people will call the police.  In New York, consent is not a defense, and the district attorney can bring charges without the “victim’s” consent or cooperation, if they feel the need.  I’m not willing to risk M’s freedom for my right to be open about who I am.

Browse around.  Take a look at some of the sites Luna linked to in her post “Where to Buy Collars Online“, and see if you can’t find something suitable.  Some even do custom work.  Or head to your nearest jewelry store and pick out a necklace that means something to both of you.

But bottom line? What it is doesn’t have to be blatantly obvious to even the kink community.  All that matters is that the two of you know what it symbolizes.

The Impact of Velcro Collars on the Symbolism

This week’s video post is about velcro collars.

To submissives, a collar is one of the most important things they have. It is a symbol of their commitment, their service and their adoration of a special someone. In most situations, the offering or begging of a collar is not taken lightly. The weight of the matter could mean a lifetime of service, the same importance of engagement or marriage and strict adherence to rules and behaviors.

However, just as there are people who go through mates like tissues, there are submissives and Dominants alike that use Velcro collars. These collars have practically no meaning to them and they hand them out or give them back without so much as a blink of the eye.

It is believed that the use of a collar like this can cheapen the meaning and symbolism for those people who hold the collar and it’s meaning in high regard to those of the community if so many others are seen to be passed around from one person to the next.

This really goes along with my thoughts on the Disposable Relationship. Too many people aren’t taking relationships seriously anymore. The value of anything to do with partnership and couples working together has diminished. We’ve become a satisfaction now society. No consequences. It’s just sad.

Now back to velcro collars…. They exist mainly online, but it’s not uncommon to find one or two people in your local community that seem to bounce around the group ‘collecting’ collars. Every time you see them they are collared to someone new. Wearing a collar becomes a game to them.

How does this impact the symbolism? In my opinion it doesn’t. The symbolism of the collar is developed by your own beliefs. Just as the wedding ring means one thing or another to someone, so does the collar. Does someone else’s many marriages impact the value of your marriage? Of course it doesn’t.

Being someone who hands out or receives collars that would define them as velcro would only impact the particular person. Sure it could make them appear needy or desperate or in the least, inexperienced.

I know that for myself, wearing a collar and being collared is the most sacred thing in our relationship. I know that if I weren’t committed to the relationship that the collar wouldn’t even be a part of our lives.

What do you think? Are velcro collars affecting the overall symbolism of collars in our society?

The Roundtable: Body Modification

Gather around the table everyone, I’d like to learn about something I don’t know a lot about. I welcome you to add your thoughts and comments to this post and if you feel an inclination, send me a guest post letting me know what you think.

This month I’d like to talk about body modification in the sense of permanent markings as a declaration of commitment of submission.

• What are the common permanent markings that can symbolize relationships and collars?
• What types of body modification are not common in BDSM?
• What are the risks of having a permanent mark on your body?
• How long do you take before you decide to have a mark?
• Who chooses the mark?
• Anyone have any stories about receiving a permanent mark?
• If you break up, what do you do about the mark?
• Anything else you’ like to add about permanent marks?

Dressing for a Play Party; What to Wear

After the invitation has been recieved and you decide to go comes a moment of panic for many submissives. What do you wear to a play party? As with everything here, take these as suggestions and ideas for your own wardrobe. All parties are not created equal and be sure to find out if you have to dress at the party or if you can wear it off the street. There are also different dress codes for private parties vs. public/membership clubs. Pay attention to the requirements of these places when selecting what you want to wear.

Even if you don’t have any fetish wear in your wardrobe I’m sure you can find something that would be acceptable at the party. Depending on your level of undress that you desire it could be as simple as a matching bra and panty set with maybe some garters and heels. Lingerie is always welcome at parties that I’ve been too as well. Corsets, bustiers and cinchers of any sort are quite common. From these ideas I’m sure you can come up with something to wear if you have never dressed for a party before.

Now, if you have leather, rubber, latex or another fabric in clothing then that’s also quite welcome at these events. Tight blue jeans have been a welcom site when paired with some leather or sexy top. One party I went to I saw a woman wearing only rope in the form of a dress (an actual dress) it was really neat. I imagine that it took the rigger a long time to get it wrapped just right.

There is always the customary black clothing which seems to be a Top/Dom staple. Must be something about the attitude and nature of the desires being expressed at the party that draw people to black clothing. Dressing stylishly and sexy wins when coming in off the street for a party. If in doubt ask the host/hostess.

Other things I’ve seen worn at play parties are:

• Hotpants
• Collars of all sorts
• Costumes (nurse, school girl, policman, military, etc)
• Chastity belts
• Leather harnesses
• Chaps
• Cod pieces
• Gauntlets in rope, leather or rubber
• Knee high or thigh high boots
• Zentai suits

Cost can be a huge interence when it comes to obtaining fetish wear but you can be creative and come up with outfits that will work for you and not break the bank. Check out the essay, ‘Fetish Wear for a Tenner or Less by Lauren‘. She gives some wonderful ideas that are versitle and useful.

Most importantly is to feel good in what you are wearing. It could make or break the outfit. Don’t wear something just because everyone else does, wear it because it makes you feel good, you feel in character or you love how you look in it. That attitude will show in whatever you choose to wear.

Enjoy the party!

photo by Markusram

The Meaning Of Collars [Poll Results]

Last week I asked you to tell me how important your collar is to you and the meaning of it in your relationship. The poll is now closed and the results are posted below. I got several comments and a few emails telling me that my poll was too vague and didn’t cover all the meanings that there could be. This brings me to the point I wanted to make.

Your collar means only whatever you want it to mean. Some said they consider it as the same importance as their wedding ring; but how important is that? A ring or collar or any other piece of jewelry is only going to have the symbolism and importance that you want it to have. Thus, if you consider your collar more important to you than your wedding band, then it is. No one can say otherwise.

The reason the poll was so vague was to try to encourage people to say that none of the thoughts fit them, and I did get one response to that (thank you).  I’m appreciative to be told that the poll didn’t fit their definition and that it couldn’t be voted on.

My collar is very important to me, but it’s not on the same scale as a wedding ring. Honestly I think I could be happy never getting remarried and be just as fulfilled in life as if I had. For some reason, marriage is the ultimate surrender and union and I believe it has something to do with the faith I was raised in; even if I do not follow that faith now.

If the poll didn’t fit your definition and meaning of the collar you wear or the collar you wish to wear, what does it mean to you?

 Loading ...

Where to Buy a Collar Online

Places to buy a collar are numerous. Each relationship has a different idea of what the collar should look like. Listed below are a few of the many places you can go online to shop for that perfect collar. I’ve broken them up into types of collars the store offers. If they offer more than one type they are listed in all related categories. Shop around and have fun! Oh and if you have other places that you know of, let me know and I’ll add them to the list in the right categories.

Please note that these sites worked as of the creation of this post, and will be maintained as best as possible.

Leather

• BDSM-Gear
• BDSM Store
• Extreme Restraints
• Kitten’s Toyroom
• Lauralee Leathers
• Leather Etc.
• Leather Masters
• Master’s D/signs
• Mr. S Leather
• PureTNT.com
• Rubert Huse and Son
• Stockroom
• TieMeUp

Chain

• Kitten’s Toyroom
• Leather Masters
• Mr. S Leather
• PureTNT.com

Stainless Steel

• Ax(s)mar
• Dreamstrike Bazaar
• Eternity Collars
• Extreme Restraints
• Halfway Creations
• House of Collars
• Kitten’s Toyroom
• Masters in Steel
• Meo
• Mr. S Leather
• Neosteel
• Ring of Steel
• Rubert Huse and Son
• SM-Factory
• Stockroom
• Wyred Slave

Other Metals

• BDSM-Gear
• Chaotic Creations
• Extreme Restraints
• Kitten’s Toyroom
• Meo
• Ring of Steel
• TieMeUp
• Wyred Slave

Other Materials

• Extreme Restraints – Rubber
• Chainmail & More – Chainmail
• Meo – Rubber

Jewelry

• Chainmail & More
• PureTNT.com
• TieMeUp

Unique

• Kitten’s Toyroom
• Stockroom

Poll: What Does Your Collar Mean to You?

A physical reminder of your D/s relationship is a collar. As you have read it can come in many different forms. I’d like to know what is its importance to you? Could you please answer the following poll? I’ll post the results next week. Thanks!

 Loading ...

This Collar, That Collar, Your Collar, My Collar

A collar for submissives is one of the most fundamental symbols of their relationship and one that is usually gaurded and protected with their heart.  With all the essays online about collars I thought I’d jump in with my own take on what everyone says and believes about collars.

Play Collars

The first type of collar is the play collar. No matter what type of relationship you have now, at one point you had a leather collar with a D-ring or two that you wore during BDSM play. It’s quite common for anyone into BDSM to get one for all of the dark desires that get played out. Lifestyle submissives may have a collar worn during play also in addition to their permanent collar. 

Online Collars

An online collar may not be something you feel should be covered in the same post as ‘real’ collars, but no matter how you earn or wear your collar, they symbolism of the collar means the same thing. An online collar is usually denoted with brackets and your Dom’s initials next to your nickname. I’ve seen curly braces {Dom} for online-only and square braces [Dom] for real-time collars. Heck, I’ve even seen one of each to signify that there is real time play, but the relationship is mostly online. Creatively speaking it is interesting to see the number of collars online and to ask what it means to them to wear it. When I’m online I tend to wear one out of habit from my online days.

The issue most people have with online collars is their velcro like quality. It is not uncommon to see a submissive with a different collar everytime they are online. I don’t get offended by it really, but many others feel it cheapens the value of their own collars. Although they are allowed to express their feelings and they are valid I don’t believe another person has any bearing on your own collar. In the case of velcro collars, I like to think of them as play collars. You only wear it during play and if you are a casual player you could very well have one for each Dom you play with. It’s along the same premise. 

Symbolism

The collar is the most outward symbol that a submissive can wear that was given to them by their Dominant. It is usually the most important piece of jewelry worn on a daily basis. There are many different ways to think about your collar. Some consider it equal to an engagement ring or wedding band. The commitment that they feel in the relationship makes it that important. For others it is a strong symbol of commitment but not of the same calibre as a wedding ring. Further yet, there are people who feel their collar is just a symbol and nothing more. There is a wide spectrum of others who feel somewhere in the middle of it all. There is no one correct way to feel about your collar.

What might one look like?

A collar comes in as many physical forms as it does symbolisms. A collar can be a basic leather band, a piece of jewelry, specially made steel locking collars, tattoos, brands, piercing or other mark. There really is no rule for what one should look like as long as the people involved in the relationship agree with what it means to them.  

Would you like to share what your collar looks like? Send me a picture and I will include it in this post.

Levels of collars

I’ve read from Mistress Steele’s website about the different levels of collars. According to the website these are Collar of Consideration, Training Collar and Formal Collar. I personally don’t have any experience with the different levels. I was under consideration during our first few months together, but face it, so was he ;) I earned my collar after 18 months being together. It is a serious thing for us and one of the most special memories I have.

There is nothing wrong with desiring a graduated system of collars. It could be under the same idea of how Leathermen earn their leathers. It’s a progression and well worth it.

Pet Play and Human Pets: A Primer

Today’s post comes from Skylerpet, a submissive pet in a D/s relationship who volunteered to write an essay for me after seeing the Weekly Tips on YouTube. Thank you Skylerpet!

Pet play is one of the most unique, one of the least known and in my opinion one of the most fun and entertaining sub-cultures in the BDSM, D/s and “kink” lifestyle. Now, I write this from the perspective of a submissive female, so please keep in mind that it can be changed around to any form you want.

Pet play involves one or more people acting as an animal with typically the submissive being the animal and the Dominant being the “Owner” and/or “Trainer.” I have heard of the Dominant being the animal and Dominating his/her submissive that way, such as holding the submissive down with a bite on the neck, but I am unfamiliar with this.

What animals are common for submissives to be? Most commonly you will see ponies, puppies and pigs. I myself have been a kitty and as of this writing am a puppy. Less frequently I have also seen bunnies, cows and once a seal, though I have no experience with these animals.

For me, one of the biggest reasons I enjoy pet play, aside from it simply being fun, is that it reinforces the Owner/owned relationship. Non-human pets are owned and completely dependent on their owner. They get fed when the owner decides and only then. Their toys and medical care is wholly dependent upon the owner remembering and doing. In a 24/7 D/s relationship this is often times also true. The slave is fed after their Owner has eaten. They wear what their Owner wishes, sleeps when and where their Owner tells them, and follows the rules their Owner dictates. So it is with non-human pets. The only difference is that your non-human pets didn’t consent. You choose them and bring them home upon your own whim. With D/s pet play, the submissive consents to be the property of their Owner. For me, being an animal, being “less than human” reinforces my Dom’s Domination of me. He is a Man and wholly human. I am a pup. His pup.

How is the animal chosen?

There are typically three ways.

• One way is the submissive acting upon his/her instincts to which animal they most identify with. If the submissive is loyal and playful perhaps they lean towards puppy. If they enjoy being led around and high protocol training perhaps it would be pony.
• One other common way for the animal to be chosen is for the Dominant to choose for the submissive. If S/He prefers a puppy to a kitty, the submissive will be molded into a puppy. As another example if the Dom is a farmer who enjoys breastfeeding from His submissive, perhaps He would like her to be a cow.
• The submissive can also switch animals from time to time if their pet play is temporary, if they simply enjoy experimentation or if they do not identify with one particular animal.

Why pet play?

• One large reason many D/s couples go into pet play is for the humiliation and dependence aspect. Restricting a submissive’s movement and vocalizations forces them to be that much more dependent on their Dom. Also, not being allowed on furniture or having to use a litter box instead of a toilet can be very humiliating for some.
• Another is because it is simply fun. It is a great psychological and emotional release to be able to come home and let loose the restrictions of humanity and what humans are “supposed to be like.” It is just plain fun to bat around a cat toy or play tricks and get treat rewards. It could also be described as a “de-stressing” process from the rigors of daily life, especially if the participants work outside the home.
• It can help with submission, as taking away some parts of the submissive’s humanity can help take away their sense of equality. It can help the submissive orient their mind to their Dom being their focus in life.
• Pet play could also be used as punishment. If the submissive misbehaves badly it could be punishment to be put out in the pig stalls with the pigs for a period of time, or whatever animal is available, and made to act like that animal as the punishment.

How does one engage in pet play?

• Restrict movement via bondage.
• Restrict verbal communication, perhaps to only certain words or animal sounds such as “woof!” or “mew!” or more child-like words such as “up!” or “potty!”.
• Training exercises such as tricks for puppies, walking on leads and leashes or for ponies pulling a cart/plow.
• Eating and drinking out of bowls without the use of hands and/or silverware.
• Learning to use a litter box instead of a toilet, or even going outside.
• Playing with toys, such as batting toys for kitties or tug-of-war toys for puppies.
• Begging in the manner of the animal you identify with, such as a puppy whining.
• Caging.
• Not being allowed on furniture without permission.

Also, safety is incredibly important!

So please keep these things in mind, and also any others that fit your lifestyle:

• When it comes to eating actual animal food, while it is okay for perhaps a short scene, it is not safe to do so on a regular basis. Humans have different nutritional needs than animals do, and it is incredibly important to get your nutritional needs met. There are many ways to simulate animal food and treats such as mashing up meatloaf with ketchup, using stews or even baking treats in the shapes of bones and such. However, for any long term play, Eukanuba, Purina and any other brand of animal food you use, are for canines and felines, not humans.
• If you choose to use training and/or shock collars, please, PLEASE read the instructions! On a personal level I am not into electric play, but it is out there. So please, be careful and safe.
• If you put your pup slave into a kennel, please keep in mind that they are very cramped. You do not want your pup slave to be damaged from being in that position for long periods of time.
• If the submissive has had their ability to move and speak restricted it is incredibly important that some form of communication is available to them so that they may communicate if something has happened and/or gone wrong, both physically and emotionally.
• Also, in my opinion having a human pet can add some responsibility to the Dom because when some of the submissive’s humanity is taken away and especially if their communication is restricted, the Dominant must that much more aware of the submissive’s frame of mind.

So that’s a very basic overview of pet play. It can get a lot more specific if one looks at each relationship and the animal(s) involved. A note though; pet play sometimes can be sexual, and sometimes can be completely non-sexual. It, as with everything else, simply depends on the couple involved. Please keep in mind that I am in no way speaking of bestiality. This is two or more human beings acting and role playing within the confines of their negotiated relationship.

Most importantly: Have fun and ask questions if you need or want to!!

In my opinion, pet play can deepen submission, but only if it’s right for you.

Skylerpet is a 24/7 submissive pup in her late 20’s. She has been into pet play since she discovered the D/s lifestyle and can be reached at: requiemskye@yahoo.com for emails and also YIM chat.

photo by photognome

Collars

This week’s video tip is about collars.

Collars are a commonly discussed topic in BDSM. There is a wide range of information and opposing viewpoints on a lot of ideas surrounding collars and collaring. One of the ideas I’d like to cover today is the idea that a collar means more than a wedding ring and those that will put it on anyone they want to degrades the value of it.

A collar, no matter what it may be made of is a commitment. This commitment could be for the duration of play, an agreed upon time frame, or a more in-depth relationship. The whole idea of it being a wedding ring equivalent comes from the final group.

I believe that a collar has the meaning intended by the two involved. If they both intend it to mean that I’m going to play with you for the next 2 hours and you are going to agree to everything I say then that’s what it means. It does not cheapen or degrade the value of that collar. Also, if the collar is meant as a permanent part of that person’s relationship with their Dominant then by no means should it be just taken off and tossed aside. For that relationship it is a deeper meaning.

Judgment on someone else’s use of a collar is rude and disrespectful. This also goes for online collars. Some relationships are born online and die online. Some are fast and fleeting. Velcro collars are named for these. This does not make them any less important to the people involved. And more importantly, has no bearing on the one you wear.

So the next time a discussion on the value of collars comes up try to be more open to what it means overall, not just what yours means. Of course mine means the world to me and if Master and I never get married I’m still just as committed, but that doesn’t mean that everyone’s collar has the same meaning. Open your mind.

What does the collar mean to you?