Poll: What Book are You Most Interested in?

I review books once a month here at Submissive Guide.  I use the affiliate money I get from Amazon to buy those books. Because of the holiday season I will have a bit of money to buy a few review books for the coming year. I have put together a poll on the sidebar (and included in this post) of some possible books I could review. Please let me know what you’d like to see reviewed here on Submissive Guide.  I’ll get the top 3 and queue them up for review.

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Review: The Surrendered Wife

This month I dived into a book full of controversy with its approach to living intimately with your husband (or partner). I read The Surrendered Wife by Laura Doyle. I didn’t read it to find the reason for the argument between feminists and the author of the book’s ideas. I read it to see what a submissive could gain from its pages.

In this quest I found a part of me that was glaringly obvious as a poor trait in submissives in general and one that I’d have to let go of it I wanted to try anything that was suggested in the best-selling self help book for women seeking intimacy and peace with a man. Master says that I started acting weird when I was reading the book so either he was sensing my shift or I just wasn’t doing it right. Most likely because I was trying to overthink the suggestions in the book.

This book is written, of course, with husband and wife being key, but I think it would work for any gender mix as long as there is a relationship established and the person reading it is ready to make changes.  Reading some of the mixed reviews I can see that a majority of the reviews I read feel that the book solidifies women into very feminine and vulnerable roles that the feminist movement was trying to break the molds of. Unlike other books emphasizing the 1950’s traditions of a man centered household, this book defines the genders and not the tasks they are ’supposed’ to be performing.

In context to submission, I think that this would be a good starter book for anyone who is coming out of a vanilla relationship or preparing to enter a D/s one when they haven’t been in one before. The Surrendered Wife will help you recognize and correct habits that may have been comfortable in your previous relationships but won’t work for a D/s style one.

The book is great in it’s ability to recognize inappropriate control situations and the ideas of how to release that control are spot on. The steps to surrendering that she explains are being respectful, receiving graciously, relinquishing control, being open for sex, expressing gratitude and practicing good self-care. I especially like how she recommends we say, “ouch’ when your partner says something to hurt you instead of taking the bait and biting them back.

Not all of the suggestions would work towards a D/s relationship, but as with everything you read it’s best to take what you can and leave the rest. A book can only be as good as what you get out of it, so for that reason I’d have to give it a relatively low rating in comparison to D/s oriented books as far as helpfulness is concerned.

However, if you are like me, and had a vanilla relationship (in my case a 5 year marriage) it might help to reaffirm your femininity and find that surrendered self that very well could be the key to opening your heart to the submission you wish to give to someone else.

Product Details

• luna’s Rating: 6/10
• Paperback: 285 pages
• Publisher: Fireside (January 8, 2001)
• Language: English
• ISBN-10: 0743204441
• ISBN-13: 978-0743204446

Interested in seeing for yourself? Buy The Surrendered Wife from Amazon.com for under $11! (Price at time of post)

Donate to Submissive Guide

Submissive Guide is run by your donations, and affiliate purchases. I’m looking ahead into my 2nd year providing quality writing that is meant to help submissives everywhere learn about themselves and the services they wish to provide. I could use your help.

1. If you find Submissive Guide to be a valuable resource, please consider making a donation for continued writing. I put over 25 hours into this site every week.
2. You can do this by sending your donation via Paypal to subguide@gmail.com.
3. If you’d like some recognition for your donation, become a sponsor. Go to the website and submit your donation via the form on the right side of the page. As soon as your donation is complete, your message with URL will show up for 30 days on the site. It takes just $2 USD to show up in the list.
4. If money isn’t your idea of a donation, I would love to accept your gently read BDSM related books; both fiction and nonfiction. I will use them for reviews on the site.
5. I can also use your donations in the form of anything else I can use as prizes for giveaways and contests.
6. Lastly I’d love to know what you want to see on the site that I may be missing. Ideas are always welcome.

Thank you,

–lunaKM

Review: Erotic Slavehood

One of the cornerstone books recommended for submissives and Dominants alike has always been Erotic Slavehood by Christina Abernathy. Once two individual books; Miss Abernathy’s Concise Slave Training Manual and Training with Miss Abernathy, this omnibus has everything you could want in a manual about training submissives.

When I first read this book I was in awe of the depth that I could comprehend the training ideas. There were so many places that I found myself nodding my head in agreement to what she had to say. The book is a bit dated as the original books were written in 1998 but the information on it’s pages can be brought to modern times and understood with the same impact.

There is one flaw that is major to me, but may be minor to some. The book is decently put together; if you can get past all of the spelling errors. It’s like there was no editor and it can get quite annoying if you have any temptation to correct other people’s spelling. Of course, ignoring the errors is sloppy and I’m sure just overlooked due to the popularity of the book. I would like to see another updated version come out with spelling corrected some day in the future.

It has everything that even a single submissive could use to improve themselves on their own. I highly recommend the training exercises in the second book; and use them myself to bring about a better understanding of my service to my Dominant partner.

If you are looking for a step by step training manual, this book will certainly provide that. If you are looking for an understanding of training and what it can do for enhancing your relationship, this book offers that as well.

Product Details

• luna’s Rating: 8/10
• Published on: 2007-06-15
• Original language: English
• Binding: Paperback
• 192 pages

Buy your copy of Erotic Slavehood Now!

Online Finds

The items listed below are books and worksheets produced by others that I have found across the internet. This list is always changing as things come and go on the internet. I can not guarantee that these items will always be available so download your copy now!

• Butler’s Book Template – .doc by a slave of Iron Rose
• The Kama Sutra of Vatsyayana
• Power Dynamics in BDSM Couples – Dissertation by Bert Cutler, 2003
• Fall Cleaning Lists - Domestic Servitude Blog
  • Bathroom
  • Bedroom
  • Closets and Laundry Room
  • Basement, Attic and Garage
  • Living Area
  • Outside
  • Kitchen
  • Dining Room

Bookstore

Best BDSM Fiction for Hot Steamy Nights

I love reading BDSM fiction, erotica and other service books. I broke my kinky teeth on the Story of O so I can’t ignore it on this list, but it’s not the best of the best. I’d like to offer up the books that I love and enjoy to read; most of which I like to keep on my bedside table. Not at the same time, mind you. Please feel free to recommend your own to this list.

• Story of O
• The Marketplace Series

1. The Marketplace – Currently Unavailable
2. The Slave
3. The Trainer
4. The Academy: Tales of the MarketplaceThe Reunion

• Kushiel’s Legacy – Light kink and suggestive play
  1. Kushiel’s Dart
  2. Kushiel’s Chosen
  3. Kushiel’s Avatar
  4. Kushiel’s Scion
  5. Kushiel’s Justice
  6. Kushiel’s Mercy
• Master/Slave
• Carrie’s Story: An Erotic S/M Novel
• Safe Word: An Erotic S/M Novel
• Breaking the Girl
• The Dark Garden
• The Sleeping Beauty Trilogy
  1. The Claiming of Sleeping Beauty
  2. Beauty’s Punishment
  3. Beauty’s Release

• Exit to Eden
• The Toy (Blue Moon)
• His Perfect Submissive

Authors Recommended in the Comments:

Shayla Black

Laura Reese

Eden Bradley

Lissa Matthews

Claire Thompson

What books do you like to read for their debauchery and kinky erotica?

Review: Protocols: a Variety of Views

If you are looking for a varied account of protocol then this book is perfect! Part of Power Exchange Books’ Resource Series Protocols: a Variety of Views is a collection of essays written by people living a life with protocol in place. You will get every opinion represented here as well as a few book reviews at the end of other protocol related books you might be interested in.

Compiled of 13 well thought out essays from every role imaginable and some well known voices in the alternative community leadership, this book has what it needs and then some. You will learn what people consider protocol, what the difference is between that and ritual as well as ceremony. There are some lovely examples of personal protocols lived out in their relationships and opinions that may align with yours.

I like that the book is short essays, as I admit my attention span is relatively short. I can read one essay at a time and then give it some time to digest before moving on to another. In fact, that’s how I recommend you read this book. I tried reading one essay immediately following another and the differing viewpoints clashed in my brain and I had to reread them.

My favorite essay has to be by slave elizabeth titled, “Development of Protocols in the Order of Discipline and Service.” She shares with us her ‘unusual’ protocols that her Dominant has for the house and to be honest hers is the first I’ve read or heard about to hold these protocols. She and the other slaves that serve have uniforms much like a job would for about any occasion, they wear chains at all times, even while out and I love the idea of having personal cells for time away from serving. I was so interested in it I read the essay twice just to take care of my fascination.

If you are curious about protocol I’d recommend this compilation. It has everything you’d want to know and maybe some you wouldn’t think to learn.

Product Details

• luna’s Rating: 7/10
• Published on: 2008-10-01
• Original language: English
• Binding: Paperback
• 106 pages

Buy Protocols: A Variety of Views: Power Exchange Books’ Resource Series By Robert Rubel PhD

When Protocol Becomes Boring

Protocol. It can be a scary word if you are new to submission. In a relationship, it is likely that you will have some protocol established to control your behavior. So, what is protocol? Simply defined, protocol is the set of special rules that you follow for defined situations that remind you of your place in the relationship. Every relationship is different and will have a different level of protocol. One of my first protocol rules was to call my Dominant ‘Master’ when in private and lifestyle event situations. It was a simple change in my normal behavior and a reminder of my place in the relationship.

As the protocols developed I was so excited to finally be doing what I had dreamed about and read in so many BDSM fiction books. I was living with rules and protocol and my mindset thrived. I felt so good about my place in the relationship and the happiness that Master displayed at my success. The pleasure I felt wasn’t just sexual it was like a part of my soul was finally being satisfied.

It didn’t last. After a few months I started to feel less happy about my protocol. It felt less like bliss and more like a chore. I had lost the attachment to WHY the protocol was in place to begin with; the reminder of my place in the relationship. The honeymoon period was over. Things got really rocky in our relationship because the effort involved in doing the protocol got more and more difficult for me, and the stress he experienced was just as bad.

What happened?

I lost focus for why the rules and protocols existed in the first place. I stopped feeling my submission when I obeyed and began rebelling with what I had gotten so used to doing for joy. I started looking to those fiction stories I’ve read for some sort of answer to my loss in vision. Why couldn’t I make the fantasy my reality? I was very stuck with that thought.

So what did I do?

Talk about it: I first approached my Dominant and explained to him how I was feeling and expressed that I didn’t like what had happened to me and us. We have a very open communication stream and it didn’t come as a surprise to him that this conversation was occurring. We talked about how long I had been feeling off task and also some ideas of what I could do to get back on track. It wasn’t an easy conversation as the fault, which is hard for me to take, was all mine.

The fantasy was just that; fantasy. I had to find my own reality in the protocols. I had to seek the happiness I once had and hang on to it. I started reviewing my rules on a daily basis. I developed a meditation routine to do to keep my submission blossoming. I learned how to self-correct my behavior before it became noticeable.

Most importantly, I made it a priority to create my own reality; one that would work better than trying to live a fantasy. It’s a constant work in progress and I still have my bad and good days. I know it will get better. One day I will be living as I’ve dreamed and the peace that I strive for everyday will find me.

photo by lepiaf.geo

Top Ten Books on Holiday Preparation

With the holidays right around the corner I wanted to give you some helpful resources to get you started on decorating and planning for family; whether that be meals or traveling.

The following list was gathered from Amazon.com

1. Celebrating Home: Decorating for the Holidays and Seasons (Seasons of Cannon Falls)
2. Country Living Merry & Bright: 301 Festive Ideas for Celebrating Christmas
3. The American Patriot’s Treasury of Thanksgiving Dinner Ideas: Old-World Table Settings, Recipes, Games, Hand Crafts, and Party Ideas for Cultural Enrichment and Pleasure
4. Thanksgiving 101: Celebrate America’s Favorite Holiday with America’s Thanksgiving Expert
5. Christmas (Williams-Sonoma)
6. Christmas: Decorations, Feasts, Gifts, Traditions (1000 Hints, Tips and Ideas)
7. ?
8. ?
9. ?
10. ?

This list is intentionally left incomplete. What are your favorite books for the holiday season to get you prepared and ready to enjoy a low stress season?

Also Recommended

The Simply Service Holiday 2008 edition – pdf

Inside the edition:

• The Matriarch of Merriment by Sazmira
• Holiday Tips and Ideas by Danae
• Holiday Traditions by Whipmaster Bob Clark
• The Great Christmas Tree Adventure by BootPig
• Gift Wrap Like a PorkChop by PorkChop
• Making Croissants for the Holidays by Wildfluers
• Also Tons of Holiday Recipe Cards!

Review: How To Get the Spanking You Want

My first ebook up for review is “How To Get The Spanking You Want: The Complete Guide to Asking For it, Getting it, and Making it Better” by Vivian of The Disciplined Feminist. I have an excerpt on this site if you’d like to read it.

The author has over 23 years of spanking experience and over a decade of scholarly and academic research on the subject. She is even well published.

The book is broken up into 4 chapters with a pretty good flow and cohesive train of thought.It’s developed for the person that would like to enter a spanking relationship with their partner but don’t know how to go about doing it.  Written in a conversational tone will really help you explore the topic in your head as you read along. The author stays pretty general about what kind of spanking relationship, but does mention domestic discipline and play spanking so I think it could help you no matter what type of spanking your are looking for. It’s an excellent first step for the hesitant and hopeful spankee.

The first chapter will help you figure out what type of spanking you are looking for, and analyze your fantasies to understand what you expect from a spanking, but she also explains that your real life spankings probably won’t look anything like your fantasies. After all, you control the fantasy and the spanker always knows exactly what to do, right?

The second chapter is set up to help you ask your partner to spank you.  While I do have some issues with the way the author says you should go about asking, there is some sound advice on your partners response; whatever that may be. Vivian says that you should use your feminine seductive arts to ply your partner into seeing you as submissive and demure; dressing and acting the part before and during the discussion where you ask your partner to be your spanking partner. In a way, it comes off as she is saying you should manipulate the situation to get what you want by using your feminine mystique and then being direct about what you want because that’s what guys like.

Now, I don’t have experience with asking a partner to spank me that wasn’t already interested, but to me this sounds a little backward. Essentially I see this as luring the man into your ‘trap’ and then confronting them with some huge secret and expecting them to respond positively about it. I don’t know about you, but if I followed her directions specifically, I’d have a confused man on my hands AND probably no hope of a spanking partner.

Really, my advice would be to definitely set a date to have this revealing conversation, but be honest and open about it when the time comes. There is no need to try to show your man that you are submissive and pliant and your ass is ripe for spanking as she suggests.  But, that’s just me.

The rest of the book helps you prepare and receive your first spanking. It does a wonderful job going through the possible reactions you can have the first spanking you get, as well as the triggers you could awaken and how to deal with them. I love how she makes sure you understand that unlike your fantasy spankings, these hurt. It’s something that a lot of people just don’t realize till it’s happening and then you react poorly.

I’d highly recommend this book just for the last 2 chapters alone. You can definitely get something out of this book even if you are already in a spanking relationship. She also has a chapter on how to get more from your spanking experience and is worth reading even if you’ve been exploring spanking for years. I loved it.

Overall, I think it’s a decent book for someone who needs a way to share their spanking secret with their partner in hopes of finding a spanking partner in them. If you would like help talking to your partner about your spanking interests, get this book.

Interested?

Product Details

• luna’s Rating: 8/10
• PDF Format: 177 pages
• Publisher: Variant Books
• Language: English

Buy “How To Get The Spanking You Want: The Complete Guide to Asking For it, Getting it, and Making it Better“

Strengths and Misconceptions of Kajira

This is another guest post by dina of kajiradreams. She continues her thoughts on Gor and the life of a kajira. You can also read her thoughts on what it’s like to be an owned kajira.

The strengths of a kajira and the misconceptions of what a kajira is and does.
And what strengths better a kajira in being her Master’s absolute and total property….

I want to make one statement before I write what was set of me.
Gor, Gorean philosophy, Gorean lifestyle is exactly that. A lifestyle that is chose by those that have a particular set of intrinsic ideals. I have no time for role-players or wannabes. it is not something that you can ‘act’. It is not a ‘role’ you can play. It has to be lived, from the heart. Also, Gor is a fictional planet within a series of fantasy novels written by John Lange under the pen name John Norman. Gorean lifestyle can be lived here on Earth, but with adaptations, compromises and understanding. Gor of the books is fiction. The underlying principles and values are real.

I feel I should start with the misconceptions surrounding a kajira, as I know so many people in my life that would look with horror and complete incomprehension of that word (that is is they knew what it meant). To outside observers Gorean philosophy appears to subjugate women, treating them as mere objects, owned, ordered about, used as mere sex objects. It also appears at first glance to be all about sex, about sex mad dumb blondes with no brains or ability to exercise their own independence or free will… with no brains to know what they want, reliant on another person. women who have no mind of their own, no thoughts or ideas. Men who want to just use females, objectify them, dehumanise them… All in all, weak minded, easily controlled people who get a kick out of being treat like a piece of meat.

Sorry to disappoint you all agreeing with that statement, but it isn’t.
The Gorean lifestyle actually allows women to be women and men to be Men. I am a woman, quite categorically female and I am a completely different creature of the human species type to Men, I am softer in nature, more emotional, curvier and more able to love unconditionally. Gor allows me to be true to my nature and to myself.

Ultimately Gor comes down to the need for control though. The need of one person to be controlled and another to take control. Gor is about finding yourself in fulfilling that need.

So what are the strengths of a kajira?
For me a kajira is a woman who is confident in her femininity, strong in her commitment and strong in spirit. As kajira I offered myself to my Master freely, of my own free will and in that I chose to give my own will into his care. I am obedient, not because I have to, but because I choose to be. I know I can be forced into obedience by my Master, but that would not be pleasing. My first priority is to be pleasing to my Master and within that I choose to willingly do whatever he asks in order to meet his desires. In doing so I gain pleasure. A kajira is expected to give herself over entirely to her Master, heart, mind, body and spirit and under his guidance learn what is expected of her. I find as I learn more and more what is expected of me, I give more and more of myself. It is without doubt a difficult process and fears surface each time a limit is pushed or a change is realised, but it is a very worthwhile journey and not everything is painful. A Master does not walk this path out of cruelty or a desire to inflict pain, or a desire to have a kajira who will blindly do his bidding… I mean, how many people really want to spend time with a mindless robot? I don’t walk this path as kajira out of fear either, but because I want to. I want to please my Master, in every and any way I can. I want to meet his expectations of me, I want him to be proud of who and what I am, and what I freely give to him out of love and trust and submission. I need to remember, internalize that thought and trust that what my Master demands of me is for my own good.

It has been said that a kajira has no responsibilities or thoughts of her own, that the master holds all the responsibilities. All I can say to that is get real! have you ever actually thought about what it really means to be pleasing to a Master at all times? I am by no means expert, but even I know It certainly is not easy and neither is it meant to be. I find my master makes me look into myself, recognize and accept my beauty, speak my ideas, thoughts, dreams, fantasies and aspirations and be loved just for being myself. It is a hard thing to do.. to accept yourself and realize that you are loved just for being that person, the dark side of your nature just as much as the light. It takes an inordinate amount of strength, but in doing so I see that no matter what, my love for him is returned 10 fold and I am forced to feel it; I feel my life is safe from harm, that my Master protects me and shields me from all that is wrong in the world, whether that be other peoples actions, intent or malice. This strong, dominant, honourable man who consciously and purposefully demands every intimate feeling and thought I have. The desire and need that creates within me is overwhelming, the need to turn over my most basic human rights and trust totally and completely in one Man and his decisions. In a previous post I made reference to IE. IE for those that do not know, stands for Internal Enslavement. If you want to know what that is, look it up. I am not going to explain it here.

The strengths of a kajira for me is to allow this to happen. To have the strength to give that level of control over to another, to trust that they will act accordingly in the best interests of both themselves and their property. The strength to look into yourself and accept everything that is there, good and bad. The strength to change aspects of yourself in order to please another. The strength to place everything you have ever accepted as intrinsic to who you are, to one side as you learn. To relearn who you are and your place in life and in society. The strength to consciously choose a path whereby another will exercise the process of IE within you, knowing full well that as you walk that path you consciously and freely chose the end result, the result whereby you are psychologically bound to your Master in such a way you are mentally no longer able to exercise free will.

I am uncomfortable admitting it within myself, but I am a strong person. It keeps being pointed out to me and demonstrated quite clearly, but I feel uncomfortable accepting it when I find myself turning into everything I have previously detested. but I am strong. I will make those changes for my Master, not just because he demands it of me, but because I need to. It takes great strength to be completely 100% honest with another, especially when it is regarding things you are ashamed of or things that have upset you in the past, but I do it. I do so because I trust my Master to guide me and teach me how to please him better. One that sticks out quite sharply for me as a strength is the ability to trust in his judgment. I need to explain this one a bit better.

I am not a mindless robot. I am fiery, I am passionate, I am ruled by strong deep-seated emotions, I am intelligent, I have ideas, thoughts, concerns, issues, fantasies, wants and needs. It is instinctual when someone demands an action for me to question. sometimes there will be quite strong fears or concerns regarding this. Being kajira does not mean that I give my Master blind obedience; being kajira means that there is a time and a place for everything. That I must trust my Master to allow me to express those fears and concerns, that I must trust him to help me work through them so they are no longer barriers. That I must trust my Master to be acting in both his and my best interests. and that at the end of it all, regardless of how strongly opposed my own feelings may or may not be, I have the strength to say the words which are the right of every kajirae. “Yes Master”.

Another key strength for me is being able to let go, lose myself as I fall down this rabbit hole in the knowledge that my Master will always be there when I fail, and I will fail for I am human but he will be there allowing me to pick myself up, evaluate what went wrong and continue the journey, knowing that as I lose myself, I also find myself.

Two final points to make, I know I have rambled on here quite a bit and I have repeated myself a lot… I am not going to edit it though as I feel it will detract from showing my Master my thought process.

1. I have an ever growing, innate need to be pleasing to my Master. I cannot switch that off. It eats inside me, demanding to be fed and to feed it means giving everything I am over to the hands of another; becoming bound to them in a way that there is no retreat, no escape route, no leniency. This is a very frightening concept and process, but just because it is ’scary’ does not mean I will back away from it. I always have enjoyed a good fight and I know within myself I have that strength to move through those fears and become everything I can be and more.
2. “If you resent being polished how can you become a mirror”. Within the need to be pleasing to my Master, there is a further desire to be a reflection of him, his ideals, his standards, his integrity, honesty, confidence, strength of character, dedication and commitment. I desire for my Master to see within me what I see in him. He makes me so happy and content and complete. I want to give him everything he desires and more besides. I have to. I have to in order to be true to myself.

Done. Finito!

Photo by Strength ~vs~ Weakness

What It Means to Be an Owned Kajira

Freebies

Here at Submissive Guide I try to provide a lot of information for free so that you can learn and grow at your own pace. The products I provide here are quality ebooks and reports on specific topics that have importance to a novice and experienced submissive alike.

Newsletter

As of September 2009, I started a topic-based newsletter sent out once every few weeks to focus on types of service and submission. These are sent directly to your email when they are produced. If you sign up now, you will get my free ebook on Wants and Needs.

Learn more!

E-Books

(no e-books are available yet)

Simply Service Newsletter

A fantastic once monthly newsletter (now inactive). I store all of the archives here on Submissive Guide. There is some wonderful service related articles!

Check Out the Archives!

Online Finds

Wonderful resources available for download. This list is always changing, check back often!

View the current list of Online Finds!

Now Available: The Spanking Series in E-Book!

If you have ever wondered how you can get the spanking you’ve always wanted but wasn’t sure how to ask for it, there is a book for you. I was just offered the chance to review a copy of How to Get the Spanking You Want: The Complete Guide to Asking for It, Getting It & Making It Better by Vivian of The Disciplined Feminist. I’ve just been able to browse it so far and read the first chapter but I’m already impressed!

The book is an excellent read for anyone that is on the edge about asking for a spanking, understanding why you desire that spanking and how to get what you want once you have asked for it. The book really is that special. The language so far is easy to read and welcoming to the newcomer to spanking as a lifestyle choice. You won’t be disappointed. This wisdom can only come from someone with over 20 years experience and education and training in the field of gender roles and psychology.

Get your PDF copy of the book now!

From the info page:

Written in an honest, compassionate and easy-to-read style, this guide will share with you…

• The real reasons your partner may be reluctant to spank you that will surprise and even shock you! (page 89)
• Why the popular “I Love Lucy” method of teasing or “bratting” your partner into spanking you is virtually guaranteed to fail — and may even hurt your relationship! (page 41)
• How to stop being disappointed when your real-life spankings don’t measure up to your fantasies (page 20)
• What to do if your partner has already said “no” to spanking you (page 70)
• How to take a spanking — yes, there are special techniques for receiving as well as giving a good spanking! (page 120)
• Getting past your embarrassment about wanting to be spanked (page 16)
• What it really takes to build a satisfying spanking relationship (page 140)
• How to prepare for your first real spanking (page 99)
• What to do if you find yourself getting a spanking that’s more painful that you expected (page 134)
• Get spanked in public without getting your partner arrested (page 154)
• How to cope if you need a spanking and don’t have a partner
• The 7 steps to more satisfying spankings (page 140)
• How to safely get spanked if you have a history of childhood abuse
• Expanded 2nd edition — 12 additional pages of material!
• And much more!

Get your PDF copy of the book now!

Still not sure? Here’s an excerpt of the book:

“HOW TO GET THE SPANKING YOU WANT”
(www.HowToGetaSpanking.com, © Variant Books 2009, all rights reserved.  Used with permission.)

How to Take a Spanking

Most of the focus on spankings revolves around the way that spankings are given. And this is understandable.  After all, the person spanking is doing the obvious work in the situation.  He’s the one who has to know how to spank, how long to spank, how hard to spank, etc.  All you have to do is lay there and get your spanking.

Or so it seems.

Many people are surprised to learn that there is just as much of an art to taking a spanking as there is to giving one.  So while your partner is learning the art of spanking, you’ll want to learn the art of being spanked.

To learn how to take a spanking, let’s start with the most basic fact that often gets overlooked when you’re anticipating your first spanking…

Real spankings hurt

If you haven’t been spanked before, this often comes as a big shock.  But it’s true:  spankings hurt.  A lot.  Probably a lot more than you realize.

Spankings are, of course, supposed to hurt.  But it’s one thing to imagine that they’re going to hurt and quite another to experience that pain in real life on your very own tender and vulnerable bottom.

In our fantasies, we know that spankings hurt and we probably even imagine how much they hurt and what our reaction will be.  Perhaps we imagine that we cry and beg for mercy or resist the spanking and are forced to take it even though it hurts.  Or maybe we imagine being stoic and brave and keeping a “stiff upper lip” through a severe caning or paddling, like in those British boarding school movies.

But by and large, most of our fantasies focus on the other parts of a spanking – how deliciously embarrassing it would be to be, say, be spanked in front of your class at school, or the thrill of being turned over your partner’s knee and having your skirt flipped off and your bottom bared like a naughty little girl. Or countless other scenarios and details that contribute to the excitement of being spanked.

Which is why it can be a pretty rude awakening when you feel that first swat on your bottom and realize how extreme the pain really is.  To repeat: spankings (even “mild” ones) hurt.

If you aren’t ready for how much a spanking is going to hurt, you may have a pretty extreme reaction to the pain.  That’s because your survival instinct is pre-programmed to protest – strenuously – whenever it registers that you feel pain.  Your survival instinct doesn’t care that you’re turned on by spankings. That’s because it’s even stronger than your spanking desires. It just gets the signal from your bottom that you are feeling pain and does what it’s programmed to do – resist, get away, fight back or whatever feels safest and most likely to work at that instant.

This reaction, whatever it is, is likely to surprise you. You have wanted a spanking for so long and imagined it so often in your head that the idea that you would resist or not want the pain may catch you off guard.

And it may also be very upsetting or disturbing to your partner, whom you remember is probably still a bit nervous that he’s going to hurt you too much and get himself in trouble.

If you react very intensely to the pain of the spanking, you may be confirming for your partner all of his worst fears – that he is a closet abuser who has just done a terrible and unforgivable thing to you by hitting you and causing you pain (and yes, the darker fear that you will get angry with him and turn him in to the police for beating you).

If you have never been spanked before, you would be wise to assume going in that you’re going to have this extreme reaction to your first real spanking, no matter how much you want and need it.

To be safe, it’s important to talk with your partner beforehand about this possibility so that he’s prepared for whatever reaction you have and reassure him that you will not hold him responsible or accuse him of domestic abuse if your spanking hurts more than you realize.

In addition, you may want to talk with your partner in advance about bruising or marks on your skin.  Many spankers are fine with the spanking, and then become upset the next day when they see the results of their handiwork on their partner’s vulnerable skin.

I’m not going to tell you here that you should avoid bruising or marks. The truth is that most of the methods that claim to avoid bruising don’t work all that well and aren’t particularly reliable.  Iif you’re going to get spanked, you’re probably going to get bruised.  Your job is to make sure you’re okay with this, and then to make sure your partner knows you’re okay with it – or even excited by these lasting reminders of your spanking.

Real spankings can be shocking

In addition to hurting more than we might realize, spankings can be psychologically shocking, even if we’ve fantasized about them.

If we’ve never been spanked or hit before, the experience of being spanked – literally hit – can trigger intense emotions that go even deeper than our very deep desire to be spanked.

During your spanking, you may experience anything from panic and terror to extreme crying and feelings of helplessness.

None of these reactions means that you are wrong to want a spanking.  They just mean that your spanking has triggered some deeper emotions and instincts in you that you will need to deal with.

First of all, you may just be having the instinctive reaction to being hit that we talked about in the prior section.  We all have that primitive “fight or flight” reaction inside that is triggered whenever we feel physically or psychologically threatened.  The part of your brain that is designed to keep you safe by triggering this instinct may be doing its job, regardless of what the part of you that is turned on by the idea of being spanked says.

Second, spanking is also cathartic.  Because it’s an intense experience, getting a spanking can release all kinds of emotions that you are carrying around inside from the rest of your life that you haven’t expressed.

For example, if you’re having a difficult time at work, but haven’t given yourself permission to “let it out” and express your frustration,  you may find yourself letting it all out during your spanking.  You may find yourself crying a lot more than you (or your partner) believes is justified given the severity of your spanking.

If you find yourself in a catharsis during your spanking, my advice is to go with it and accept it as a blessing and a gift.  One of the wonderful, amazing parts of being spanked is the ability to let go of your responsible, strong self and let your vulnerable self show.  Cry like a baby, sob your guts out – let the spanking cleanse all of that negative emotion out of you.  Afterwards, you will probably feel like you went to a spa or had a nice massage!

So to help you take your spanking with grace and courage, even when you feel like you can’t stand another swat, what follows are some tips to help with the pain…

Get your PDF copy of the book now!

That’s not all though, she has a companion book written for the spanker titled, How to Give a Spanking: Advice from the Receiving End. I have this book as well to read and let you know what it’s like in a review coming later. If it’s anything like what I’ve read so far it will be well worth it.

If you buy both books today, you get 20% off! That’s a wonderful bundle deal, so don’t wait. Get these wonderful spanking resources now.

Review: The New Bottoming Book

This month’s book review is of one of the books I gave away in the July Book Contest. The New Bottoming Book by Dossie Easton and Janet W. Hardy (formerly Lady Green) is a great beginner’s guide to bottoming. According to the authors, this “new version” contains much of the original advice, like “connecting” and negotiation, but also has new and much-needed information.

The book is divided into two sections. The first one is about skills. These chapters help novices make decisions about who they are as a bottom, what checklists are, how to make one, including the way I recommended here not long ago, bridging the gap between fantasy and reality and finding a Top that will give you what you need and want. There is a big section on meeting someone online via chat rooms, mailing lists and/or Internet newsgroups and how to convert from “cyber” to “real-time,” and dealing with the fact that their “reality” may not match yours.

The second section starts describing different “scenes”, their ‘rewards’ and also tips on beginning and ending them Also included are sections on role play, with short subsections about bondage and submission. It has small sections on dressing, public play, sensation play and other thoughts when it comes to actual scenes. I feel these chapters are nice for a very fresh novice, but not necessary when someone has already been exploring somewhat.

All in all I find the book very basic in it’s explaining what bottoming is and how to start on that path. Certainly recommended for the novice this book can help shed the nervousness and dispel the fantasy of play.

Product Details

• luna’s Rating: 6 out of 10
• Paperback: 200 pages
• Publisher: Greenery Press (CA); 2nd edition (December 1, 2001)
• Language: English
• ISBN-10: 1890159352
• ISBN-13: 978-1890159351

Buy The New Bottoming Book

Add Your Reading List to Your Training Resume

Since the beginning of Submissive Guide I have been writing essays to help you build your service/submissive/slave resume. This is the living document of your experience and training on different tasks and a variety of relationships. If you are interested in reading the previous posts about the Training Resume I suggest you start at the topic index.

Today we are going to compile a list of the books you have read during your service that are a part of your growth and learning. The importance of this list is not only to show a potential Dominant that you are well read, but that you have a personal desire to work on improving yourself, learning a wide range of viewpoints and opinions and learn about BDSM activities of all sorts.

Gather Your Books

Pull together all the books you’ve read on BDSM, specific service items and other self help resources that you have read completely. These books can be basic relationship self help, etiquette, green cleaning and simple living, How-to books, and so much more. Let your mind explore your entire library and figure out how that could apply to a BDSM service relationship. You might be surprised.

Magazines and Newspapers

Although a bit more rare or pricey, you can find excellent magazines and even newspaper articles that might help you with building a reference library for your service experience and development as a person. Perhaps you have a subscription to a gardening magazine, home repair or fine dining journal. These things can be wonderful resources for your service life. Be creative and look for learning opportunities everywhere you go.

Online Sources

Don’t forget online newsletters and blogs that you are subscribed to! Even SubmissiveGuide.com can be a great resource to list on your reading list if you read it regularly and learn from it. Make note of the posts or articles that you enjoyed the most and the URL if there is one.

General Essay websites are great too, but make sure you keep a list of articles that you have read on each one so that it isn’t assumed that you have read the entire site.

How to Make the List

For books, make a list of the titles, authors, publication dates and a synopsis of the book. Online resources need to have the name of the site, the URL, the date you last accessed it and the site owner with a way to contact them if you can find one. You can also spend time writing personal reviews of the book or essay with what you took from it and made your own.

For example, I just read SlaveCraft and reviewed it on this blog. I can add that book to my service resume in the Reading List area. My entry would look something like this:

SlaveCraft: Roadmaps for Erotic Servitude, principles, skills and tools by a grateful slave with Guy Baldwin, M.S.

Daedalus Publishing Company (April 2002)

The author writes for the submissive or slave who may already have experience and thus understand the skills and tools that will help deepen their surrender. His four principles that he describes in detail are Identity, Obedience, Transparency and Humility. Each one is artfully discussed so that while you may be walking in his world of surrender you can apply them to your own service quite easily.

Making this list now will help you in the future too when you try to remember where you read that fantastic book or essay that you’d like to refer to, or share with a friend. The importance of a list like this can help you in more ways that just your resume.

What else would you list on your reading list? Would it be beneficial to list books and articles that you want to read in the future or have an interest in?

Submissive Guide Town Hall Meeting

Submissive Guide is just over 7 months old now and with a decent number of well received posts I’d like to get your feedback as to where Submissive Guide is going. Let me go through what I’ve seen happen on the site and what I’m working on for the future. I want your input too, so please leave me a comment or drop me an email with your thoughts. I’d love to hear them, good or bad.

Growth

Since Submissive Guide began on the 2nd of January this year I have had over 100,000 visits. This is mostly all organic growth. That means you are finding me through search engines the most. I have a lot of blogs linking to me as well and I’m so grateful for your faith in my writing. I don’t pay for advertising anywhere else right now and don’t see a need to do that for future growth. Just spread the word when you can and I will be happy.

As far as the advertising on this site, all of the current banner ads are affiliates. This means that I get a small kickback when you purchase items from them. I have one paying ad as a text link in the right sidebar. If you are interested in purchasing some ad space I’d be happy to talk to you. You can stop by my advertising page and contact me from there.  I have made a small amount of money from Amazon Affiliates and all the income from there has gone to purchasing the books that I do reviews on the site with. I plan to continue doing this with Amazon income for the foreseeable future.

Submissive Guide is an income venture and I do hope to make money from this site at some point. My hope is to provide you with e-books and workbooks to help you improve your submission in some way. These would be economically priced and I will make sure that they are worth the cost to you. My first workbook currently in the works is an expanded version of the Submissive Positions series I posted at the end of April and into May. I’m working with a Yoga instructor to provide you with stretching exercises and alterations to the positions so that you can work into them and improve your flexibility and stamina. There will also be lovely pictures of the positions! Stay tuned as I work on this throughout the summer.

Coaching in the Works

I am also developing a submissive life coach business to co-live with Submissive Guide, the site. I will be personally coaching you to reach your goals through email, chat sessions and phone conferencing. This could also lead to training courses and group classes to help reach your goals and discover the stumbling blocks keeping you from reaching your goals. This is still quite a ways away, as there is a lot of business red tape and personal planning I have to get through to make sure I do things right. I am very excited about being able to get to know you better though coaching!

Features on this Site

I have a few reoccurring features on this site that I’d like to draw your attention to. Every month I have a Roundtable discussion that is meant as a way to teach me about a topic I don’t know a lot about. The past few have been about polyamory and open relationships, and shaving. I love the information we have collected on these topics and am happy with the participation I get. Do you like the Roundtable Discussions? Let me know!

Every month I also have a book review of a book about submission or BDSM. I try to give an honest review of the book as well as referencing it to submission and what may help you improve and empower yourself. What books would you like to see reviewed? Do you like these? Would you like to see more?

The resources area has a lot of wonderful things to explore. I have a BDSM bookshelf, a link to the Submissive Journal Prompts site, links area, submissive groups around the web and the Simply Service newsletter archive. If you have a resource you think should be included I want to know about it!

The frequency of posts may decline as the demand for my time spreads out to other areas. I do intend to not go below 3 times a week and will post more frenquently if I have guest posts to share with you. I never imagined this site would do so well in such a short amount of time, but I’m finding that to be fulfilling as well.

Share Your Experiences

I am always looking for guest posts on a numerous variety of topics. I’d welcome anyone’s essays to share here on Submissive Guide. I have a page that details what I expect from the essay which you can find here. I’m grateful to those that have donated time and writing for this site so far and look forward to working with many more of you in the future.

Here’s some of what I’m looking for:

• How to reprogram yourself to come once the Come on Command relationship is over.
• When you owner controls all of the money, how to adjust, adapt and live that way.
• BDSM with kids around. Anything and everything to do with this topic.
• Sexual submissive topics (great sex tips for example)
• Exerpertise in BDSM activities from the bottom point of view, select one activity per post.
• BDSM fiction and non-fiction book reviews
• Posts from the male submissive point of view; any topics welcome
• Anything else?

Paid Posts

I offer paid posts from people that have qualification and certification in the field they wish to write about. These posts range from $10-50 depending on the helpfulness, depth and other factors to be discussed.

I’m currently looking for:

• Certified and licensed massage therapist to write a series of posts about various massage techniques.
• General Practice Doctor to write about health and medical related issues where BDSM is concerned.
• Established BDSM speakers and presenters to write about various topics. (You must have a website that identifies you as a regional or national BDSM presenter.)
• Ordained pastor or minister to discuss religion, spirituality and it’s connection with submission in all forms.

If you are interested, please contact me.

How to Get Updates

Now, I’m sure many of you get Submissive Guide sent to your email or favorite RSS reader but are you aware there are other ways you can get updates? Submissive Guide has a twitter acount that I post new posts as well as recommended reading, quotes, questions and tips that I’ve collected. If you are on twitter, please follow subguide! If you are on Youtube you can get notices about the video posts one day before they are released here on the blog. I’ve also created a group on FetLife for Submissive Guide so that you can continue the conversation there if you are already active on Fetlife. Lastly, if you have a Kindle you can now get Submissive Guide sent to you that way for only $0.99 a month. I didn’t set the price, Amazon did. If I could, it would be free too. I get a tiny amount of the monthly fee you pay and that will go towards server upkeep.

Let Your Voice Be Heard!

I want you to voice your thoughts on Submissive Guide. What do you like? What don’t you like? Where can I improve? What topics are lacking? Express it all.

photo by rick

The BDSM Checklist that Will Really Help You

An important part of negotiating a scene is discussing what you want out of the scene. Sure there are a lot of really thorough BDSM checklists that you could fill out if you don’t want to really think about what turns you on and drives you crazy with pleasure. BDSM checklists all live under different names. You can call them limit lists, negotiation lists, negotiation checklists and perhaps ones I’ve never heard. They are all based on a similar idea. If you make a list of the things you enjoy or don’t enjoy you can easily share them with the person you want to play with to find out if you can build a scene that will satisfy both of your needs and desires.

The kind of list that I really like is the Yes/No/Maybe list. It doesn’t require you to look up terms you don’t know or try to figure out if you’d be into something you’ve never heard of. This list is a living document and can go in your training resume to be updated as you grow and develop in your submission. I feel that this list will give you a better view of your desires and limits than a list where you rank things by number or leave you questioning if you really are kinky by the number of question marks you put down on things you don’t know.

The YES/NO/MAYBE List

Today I’d like you to get your Yes/No/Maybe list together. Even if you have a limits list already written up; start fresh. See what you can come up with on your own.  First take a big piece of paper and make a list of all the sexual and BDSM activities you can think of, including the ones you wouldn’t choose for yourself.

After you finish with the big list of all possible activities, take a regular piece of paper and make three columns. At the top mark them YES, NO and MAYBE. In the YES column write all the items that you know you like or that you definitely want to try. The NO column are for the things that are out of your limits at this time or things you definitely don’t want to do.  The MAYBE column are for things you might like to do with the right person or if you were turned on enough or interested in but not sure of the safety around it. This is the exploration list.

And just in case you didn’t think of them, here are a few things that end up on the NO list of many experienced players:

• Temporary marks
• Permanent marks
• Play with urine or feces
• Play with guns or knives
• Sexual or genital play or penetration
• Unsafe sex
• Breathing constriction
• Use of drugs and alcohol
• No touching areas or sensitivities
• Triggers ( like “Don’t use belts, they remind me of childhood abuse.”)

Now that you have the lists finished take some time to look at the YES column. Go through each item and mark it with an ‘N’ if you need it to have a good play session. You can mark the rest with ‘W’ for want, including some in the MAYBE column. These are the icing on the cake items, the things that make play facinating and challenging and fun.

Now that you have this list you can look for a negotiations checklist from online or in books. These lists have important information areas like health issues, triggers, medications you are on and so forth. Each list ranges in detail so find one that meets your needs. You can use the lists you find to help you fill out your own list, but don’t add anything so out there that you forget what it is.

Enjoy your explorations!

Submissive Guide 2 Book Contest

In celebration of 6 months of existence and almost 200 posts here on Submissive Guide I’m excited to announce my first contest! Since Submissive Guide is all about enhancing and growing in your submission the first giveaway will be for two books from Amazon.com. The books are Erotic Slavehood: A Miss Abernathy Omnibus by Christina Abernathy and The New Bottoming Book by Janet Hardy. These are both excellent books to develop your submission and now both can be yours!

How to Enter

• Tweet this text: RT @subguide: I’m giving away Erotic Slavehood and The New Bottoming Book! Retweet to enter. Rules: http://is.gd/VVkP .
• You may tweet up to once a day. Each tweet counts as one entry. It’s up to you to decide how much you want to annoy your followers.
• You must be following me on Twitter or leave a comment on this post, so I can contact you if you win.
• I’ll give you an extra entry if you write a post on your blog about this contest. Be sure to send me the link, or reply to this post and let me know.
• The deadline is July 14th, 2009 at 11:59 p.m. CST.
• I will keep a list detailing each entry, and will be picking the winner using the List Randomizer.

Also…

• You must be willing to give me your address.
• Amazon.com ships internationally, so you don’t have to live in the U.S. to enter! Hurrah!